Breaking free from the anxious-avoidant trap
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- Опубліковано 10 лип 2024
- #avoidantattachment #selfcompassion #toxicrelationships #adultattachmentstyles
#attachmentstyles #attachmenttrauma #selfcompassion #drruthannharpur #avoidantattachmentstyle #anxiousattachmentstyle #secureattachment #couplestherapist #couplestherapy
Perhaps the most common conflict in a relationship is between a parter who fears losing the relationship and a partner who fears losing themselves. This is the perennial conflict between partners with a more anxious attachment style and those who have a more avoidant attachment style. In these relationships each partner tends to provoke in the other the behaviour they don't want to see. The anxious partner drives the withdrawal of the avoidant partner and the withdrawal of the avoidant partner, drives the anxious partner's attempts to get closer.
Adult attachment styles are not set in stone and it is possible to change this relational conflict.
If you'd like to learn more about attachment styles after abusive relationship then check out these videos:
The truth about your attachment style after abuse:
• The truth about your a...
Hope for people with an ANXIOUS attachment style:
• HOPE for people with a...
Avoidant attachment: how to get close without losing your freedom
• Avoidant attachment: h...
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FREE EXERCISE TO HELP YOU BUILD SELF COMPASSION AFTER ABUSE
If you'd like my help to start building self compassion after abuse click here:
ruth-ann-harpur.mykajabi.com/...
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I’m an anxious attachment, but it seems only brought out by my current dismissive avoidant partner. In my previous relationship, I never needed reassurance, affirmation, endless affection, nothing. I was able to function quite fine with my independence and my ex-husband did his own thing as well. We weren’t intimately or financially compatible and that’s why the relationship ended. In my current relationship, the silent treatment, avoidant behavior sparked a monster alive in me. I wasn’t used to having a partner who avoided communication and resolution. It’s turned me into someone I don’t like. And I don’t have a fear of abandonment or losing him. In fact, some days I wish he’d walk away so I can keep our kids and move on in peace. I think I fear more-so that if he left, it’s going to confirm the fears I have about myself not being good enough. I would be much better off without this man’s emotional coldness.
Avoidants are so focused on testing their love interest
to make sure he/she will be a good partner
that they don’t even notice that in the process...
THEY have become a terrible partner!
We have to let people walk away. That creates a space for the right person.
I will not hide what I feel.
I will NEVER sugarcoat what I say.
Radical honesty is my highest calling and my greatest value.
I only accept consistency. I deserve it. I accept nothing less than being treated as the queen I AM.
One key element here is that both partners want to fix it together. My experience is that the avoidant just avoids it all and lets it blow over then just go back to the same behaviors.
Thank you for commenting and 💯 agree.. you can only invite your partner to join the dance of creating a better relationship for both of you. If one of you isn't willing, there is no dance.
Thank you for the video. To summarize - anxious types are expected to work on relationships, caring about avoidants needs for autonomy, while avoidants can have their cake and eat it too - having a personal freedom, and having a security of relationships, all at the minimal cost of their effort. Got it!
This is what I swear I keep hearing over and over again and it gets me so mad. There’s very little talking about how avoidants “just need space” as if their behavior and mindset is not also causing friction. Pushing someone away is not normal or healthy. But then they change the words to “creating a boundary” I’m so lost and I’m the anxious attachment person so of course I’m over here once again thinking of the other person and trying to figure it out for them because most avoidants don’t even watch these kinds of videos
Anxious most of the time. When resentment builds because of my overwhelming anxiety, I become dismissive and avoidant.
Definitely not an usual pattern!
As a person who has quiet BPD I feel the same, but basically anxious as hell, especially if I starts to develop a FP. I swithch between the 2 depending on my mood and the person.
In any situation where some intimacy appears...we are either accepting or not... So this even has a reason... There is fear behind that... And from view of fear we have saved our response to this kind of getting closer. I would really prefer to look at OCD (Obessive Compulsion Disorder)
Me too
Fa leaning anxious
I watched this and discussed the key points with my avoidant partner and we both have been doing so much better to show up for and understand each other's needs.
Thank you for making this concise, giving hope and practical advice.
That's amazing - so pleased for you both 🥰
Hello this comment made me hopeful… dealt with avoidants in the past and I myself oscillate between anxious preoccupied and fearful avoidant. Would love an update regarding your avoidants commitment and consistency with the efforts of healing and showing up the way you need them? If you get the chance to reply, thank you in advance
You give them space and the don't come back, depending on another person to make you feel better is the worst , you can do your part and they don't, the avoidants can leave at any time really and you will never know when it's really over if you depend on them they only care when they see you don't care to loose them.
I really appreciate how concise this analysis is - I've never seen this dynamic pared down to the basics so clearly. I had an "a-ha" moment similar to being a geometry classes and understanding that "a squared plus b squared = c squared." And I appreciated the concise descriptions of "steps in the right direction." Thank you!
So many people have insecure attachment. Attachment is also about your attachment to yourself so a dismissive avoidant type probably has poor self identity needing validation from outside so codependant ties play out. Only truthful communication can bring understanding about each others needs, behaviours and fears. Without communication there's always doubts, suspicions and insecurities. Feeling unsafe in unsafe circumstances is healthy and sometimes life saving. People can heal from insecure attachment
only if the other partner is willing to work on their issues, if not it's best to leave and focus on your attachment to yourself, learning to be whole with self understanding, Compassion. I never understood that old term " My other half " We need to be a whole self to offer another, not a half self.Thanks for your video❤
Avoidants are anxious in disguise it seems to me. They’ve just been hurt more.
My other half is not an old term, it's still used by everyone in my country. It just means the other person in your relationship.. its not that deep
i think i’m done with relationships and just buy a goldfish 😂
This video helped me so much. I am so anxious!! But I get so frustrated with myself because I know it’s so important that she gets the space she needs, but sometimes it’s just so hard to keep myself from getting anxious.
Search up this video... (A man's guide to ending anxious attatchment)
This is greatness
My god, looks like I've been doing every single thing right and he, as fearful avoidant, is extremely immune to everything I do and say. Love is a losing game.
Thank you for commenting ❤
I feel you. There seems to be no end to his avoidant behavior.
I wait and wait and can't get through.
@@knitnpaint I think this is the most hurtful part of a relationship for me. It’s really like they don’t care and they are blinded by this don’t care so then they never be accountable for their own actions. They focus on how that person is gone and they feel better because they can go back to their avoidant behavior and never really learn. It’s heartbreaking to love someone but have to create your own boundary because of this.
@@madisonashley9430 Yes, heartbreaking. It takes time to heal and was devastating to me and my health. So sorry you had to go through this💔.
I’m pretty anxious. I get avoidant when resentment builds up. My wife is avoidant. She doesn’t seem to want to acknowledge it or work on the relationship. I can’t imagine it being the best thing to leave because of this…
I wouldn't suggest that it was. We all make our own decisions about what's important to us and sometimes there's plenty of good in a relationship that outweighs some of the challenges we experience.
Thanks a lot! so precisely helpful
Thank you 🙏
This helped me so much, I could cry, ive been so lost. Thank you!
You're welcome - so pleased this was helpful to you 🙏
This video is amazing
So glad you enjoyed it ❤️
Internal Validation ❤
Great video, I'm happy able to communicate so well with my avoidant partner.
That's great! 🙌
I’m anxious and my soon to be ex husband is avoidant. He never reassure me. I always felt alone in my relationship. I wish we had this information because our relationship got terrible. Thank you for the info
You're welcome - hope this new beginning leads to better relationships for you 🙏
Or take your self respect and leave. No reason to stick around someone not loveable. Find someone who actually likes you.
❤❤❤ thank you for commenting 🙏
Great content, very helpful. your background music is very distracting. your content is good enough that you do not need it.
Very anxious about everything I do say and trouble expressing the love I feel. Hard to touch my intimate one and wrap my arms around them.. constantly have to remind myself they love me even though logically I know I have trouble feeling it all
How many avoidants do actually know they are avoidants? Someone who thinks has no problem will never look for a solution.
You seem to highlight the need for independence as the driving force for avoidant attachment but that’s not what I’ve learned. Pretty sure it’s mostly about getting close to people triggering emotional dysregulation, which cause them to shut down. Am I wrong?
❤❤❤❤
I’m an anxious, with an avoidant. After about 7 years, I’m divorcing.
Throw in codependency and u get the reality that many of us were psychologically groomed to be this way. As children we had to accommodate others needs while fearing not getting our needs met. Now let’s think about the disorganized attachment which shifts from anxious to avoidant. Now u have a recipe for disconnection on both sides. Unfortunately I see both trying to get love without the fear of loosing the other person or yourself. Love can’t be cultivated without trust ! Trust is always a risk.
Here’s one thing
Most avoidants cheat or leave when threatened
So
How do you trust their supposed freedom?
How do you know they will be honest and not just get with someone else?
You don’t! And that’s the scary part of relationships for anxious types is having to TRUST their partner and not put their self worth on them. For the FA at least in my experience, knowing that if I were to leave that they’d be ok brings me closer and makes me feel free within the relationship because I know I’m not their entire life. We all got healing to do, amiright? 😂❤
I am avoidant untill I am in relationship and then I am anxious.. Is that common or I’m really in problem?!😑
I prefer to be alone relationships sucks
Well what does a Avoidant Avoidant attachment style relationship look like?
I wonder why my avoidant is only avoidant with me? He isn't avoidant with anyone else..all his cousins and hus mom gets proper attention and attentivness, but if it comes to me he turns 100%avoidant special .
Is it all avoidants such selective?
Is this a regular trade of avoidants?
Its Normal (being a avoidant-anxious myself)
I can't say anything about individuals I've never met but getting close can be the trigger for wanting to get away
I think its because the relationship he has with his cousins and mother are more superficial. They will talk about sports, groceries, clothing, hobbies, pretty much everything except their emotions, their fears. They don't require the same deepness compared to a romantic relationship. They push the people away who they feel very close with. This closeness scares them because it requires them do feel certain emotions they have tried so hard to push away and never feel again. When they allow themselves to feel they will only get hurt. It's quite sad actually.
I am both.Both Anxious and Aviodant. Then it gets really crazy. When I meet an anxious person I become avoidant and when I meet an avoidant I become anxious. But got hold of myself in 2021. Also because when I last met an avoidant, my body went on automatically and started to please people. Also see 50 years later. That this is the relationship I had with my anxious mother and people pleaser and my evasive father whom I did everything to be heard or seen. I will have to work with all my life. Get to know myself now. Because this is also a survivor programming. Even to never abandon myself either. Became an abandoholic. No more ever.
This is me and for the same reasons you mention. I’ve constantly cycled between severe self abandonment and phases of intentional consciousness and presence to show up for myself. It’s a daily practice. Wishing you all the best
@@ZeeGeeBee It is a work for life.I saw my own programing walk out of my body.It was an strange energy and i was fawning.And start to give and give.But i became so sick. So my body sad no.
their independence does not mean sleeping with other people btw 😂
Hopefully goes without saying! Unless you've mutually decided that you want to have an open relationship
Any advice on how to approach this topic when one partner is highly spiritual? I mentioned this to him and he got caught up on the word "attachment," as that's something his meditative practice tries to have very little of in the first place. Yes, he is the avoidant one in relationships, surprise. surprise. I've been trying to describe this as a tool which can help resolve conflict and give a roadmap of how to behave. He is very resistant to modern psychology concepts which deal with handling conflict, such as examining our love language styles, which I feel reflects his emotional immaturity, but I don't want to come off as dismissing his personal spiritual practice when I point this out.
Hi, would you be happy for me to make a video response to this question?
Your guy is 'attached' to his spiritual 'ego', and in my opinion the worst form of attachment. So I'd suggest you work on yourself and not make him the center of your universe ❤
what do you do if you KNOW youre avoidant. im trying to be closer to my partner but thats all it feels like most of the time, effort. a task. I like em a lot.
Thank you for commenting - this video might be interesting for you if you haven't already seen it. I hope it is helpful
ua-cam.com/video/VOnmY6hZZI8/v-deo.html
Why does the anxious person have to do all the work?
They shouldn't have to ... I hope the video makes clear that both parties need to be involved to build a more secure relationship 🙏
I feel this way too
That's what it feels like
It seems to me that the avoidant is never vulnerable enough to admit to themselves that they need to work on their issues. So the anxiously attached person ends up doing all the work.
If the avoidant was able to experience vulnerability and intimacy then the anxious might feel fulfilled and go off doing there on things. If the avoidant is always avoiding and not commitment or growing then they won’t like the response and worry they get from the other side how can an anxious feel okay if they never know if they’re actually in a empathetic growing and committed relationship
And what is someone is both, or 'disorganized attachment style'?
I'd suggest drawing on strategies that are relevant to both avoidant and anxious attachment patterns 🙏
No wonder divorce rate is 60%. Nobody has a solution to relationships. Its getting worse due to on line dating and she doesnt need a man.