One thing struck me listening to your wife (I'm an autistic 45 yo woman who's been in 2 long term relationships) : for a neurodiverse relationship to work, the NT partner needs to have a lot of self-confidence, as in being able to not think everything you do is related to them. For example, when she said if you're discussing a topic and she sees you're becoming to anxious and near meltdown, she doesn't think "you don't like her anymore for not wanting to discuss", she actually understand you have difficulty, need more time to understand or think about the matter, etc. I've met very few adults who are able to do that. Keep that wife preciously.
I can so relate to this as my husband lacks confidence and struggles with my directness and sharp tone and cannot cope very well when I get passionate about a subject...
I think people can do it if they know that that's what is going on. Unfortunately (not in the moment), often it's never explained or discussed. And in other contexts the distress would be related to them. Remember that we are watching a couple who have been together for a really long time and have worked through a lot together. It may be that initially she did worry that his distress was about her. But after you witness that several times AND discuss what's happened you get that it almost never is. I think it doesn't work to expect anyone to interpret our behavior, especially if it isn't what they experience and has a different cause than it would have for other people. Nope, gotta tell them (or find them resources like Orion to find out) and talk about it and your needs.
In other words, the ability to accommodate isn't an innate deficit that NTs have. Yes, they function differently but if they understand how we work and are willing to accommodate then they can make those allowances much of the time. As Renee says life throws lots of different stuff at you that you have to accommodate and that happens whether you're NT or ND.
This. My husband always struggled with not taking my rationality and delayed processing as a sign of me not caring about him, and he also felt unimportant and untalented compared to me and my passions and interests. Now, after 12 years together, he’s decided to separate, and it broke my heart… he’s also being screened for a borderline personality disorder, so basically and opposite of being confident in a relationship. I just wonder whether Orion’s wife’s level of confidence is even achievable, I have never seen something like that, especially with men, or maybe I wasn’t looking properly?
@@mischemixDJacademy that sounds exactly like my wife too. im talking normally (in my mind) and shes freaking out thinking im shouting at her and she actually thinks i can control it.
7:18 I felt this one. I'm autistic, my wife has ADHD. Neither of us knew it about ourselves until we had our daughter, life got so hard and we both started crumbling. Several years of therapy and couples counseling and we're finally on a good path again, just three neurodiverse humans working out life together.
I like seeing Orion and his wife together. It's nice of her to come here and answer questions for us, but it's also nice to see how they interact. It's very clear that they care a lot about each other and that's nice to see.
Oh my god, what you said about arguments is exactly what I've always said to people. I never understand why a person says we are having an argument, I always think it's a meaningful conversation.
I used to think they were debates. I would get passionate, but never angry. It made no sense to my friends that I’d say I enjoy it. They used to think I meant I enjoy arguing… like I enjoy conflict or something. 😅 Now it’s making a lot more sense.
Circling back for my husband is harder when he is calm. It comes off as "hey, you are attacking me about that thing we already fought over." . The big stuff we power through with rules. First we go through the checklist.ARE YOU...... tired, hungry, thirsty, hurt (stomach aches cause a lot of arguments) or board? This is not to say you can't be hungry and still have a valid point. Those issues make small issues feel big. Tackle the easy stuff (hungry, tired, hurt...) and then see if there is the big stuff. This is true for the neurotypicals as well. We power through with rules. We use hand signals to indicate lower the volume. Topic cards (so easy for both to emotionally link arguments -- it feels like the time you did this and this and this-- topic cards keep everyone on topic) The word "apples". When "apples" are invoked, the other stops talking and just listens. As you know, when discussions are hard, there is a lot of defensiveness, again this has to be on topic. Finally, we don't walk away feeling like a massive pile of human scabs, we take a few minutes after to say "I appreciate you ...." and give three examples. It's easy to fall into a habit of what you don't like. We try to keep in the habit of what we do like. We practice those everyday. "You smell good." "Thank you for being a good friend (being friends is really important in marriage)." "I like the way you did that," This keeps the reminders at the end of a fight from seeming artificial or "you're my wife, you have to say that."
You are a lovely couple and Renee is very understanding of Orion’s need for ‘alone time’ I hope that doesn’t mean she’s exhausting herself- do get someone to do your housework if possible Renee and even get a few healthy meals delivered each week too. No need to be ‘superwoman’ these days - you’ll burn out. Great show!
It is a great idea. Respectfully, can I suggest most women don’t think housecleaning and cooking are predominantly women’s work, though maybe you are responding to the hints this couple may operate that view.
As a neurodivergent partner engaged to a neurotypical partner, I can’t express enough how helpful this is. Thank you for putting yourself out there and sharing. Not only does this help neurotypical individuals understand autism more, but this also gave me some additional insight to how my neurotypical partner might feel. Which opens the door for us to discuss it. Thank you, and you’re a beautiful couple. 💚
Her talking about recognizing signs of an oncoming meltdown is eye opening to me. I have never allowed myself to be romantically involved with anybody because I scare people, and I don't want to traumatize anyone, so I have always deemed myself unworthy for and unfit for love.
you are worthy. i’m sure i’ve been scarily emotional to my boyfriend, but he is understanding and is learning my triggers (like drinking alcohol) and helps me stay away. idk if i am neurodivergent but i do have a bipolar diagnosis and have tons of anxiety that often warps my view of my relationship, but he reassures me. it took some time to get here and i do believe i was heavily masking my true emotionality in the beginning, but i got lucky to have someone who is understanding and i’m constantly working to improve my own habits for my own stress levels and health. it works well. sorry i talked abt myself so much but please know that you ARE worthy of love.
you're worthy of love. I recently broke up with my boyfriend with autism. I didn't understand him that much cuz he did too much masking and didnt told me bout autism and how it works. I came from a country which talking bout autism and other mental healthy issues are taboo. Im browsing youtube and bumped in these videos. I know it's too late. I understand it way better now and honestly, i could have handle the moments way better if he was just more open about it. You dont scare someone. There's someone out there that's worth your love and if you find her; be open about this. I hope we can hear an update from you. ❤️
You are not unfit for love. None of us are perfect. You just need to find someone who loves you for who you are and who is willing to forgive you for those moments when you have a melt down. Things can be better. Just be open to it and it can happen.
My husband and I got married when I was 51, he pretty quickly realized something was up with me.. we did some research, and he helped me figure out I was autistic. IT EXPLAINED EVERYTHING IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!! I was diagnosed at age 53.. now I'm 54. But he and his two teen daughters had already moved in.. basically right when we got married. I was also caring for my mom who lives with me, and my 7 year old as well. So I had gotten into a mess with way too many people to "care for" and could not function well enough at all. Having basically no alone time blind sighted me. When I was "alone" I couldn't decouple my brain from worrying about the others.. so it didn't feel like alone time. So we now live separately.. he's so sweet. We've never argued once. He's my best friend and he helps me in so many ways. He's an introverted math professor and we have a very compatible sense of humor, but he's definitely NT. Anyway, I finally realize - I could probably never be a fully functioning wife for anyone. (I was married for 5 years in the 90s too, but didn't know I was autistic then of course). I basically turn into a Vulcan.
I’m glad to hear others like me! I can’t be a wife either and realise I need to live alone asap. I don’t know how people have kids or marriages with autism / adhd. I would melt down daily.
My partner (I'm the autistic one -female) is very logical, grounded, and no-drama. He has a very healthy intact ego and he communicates like Renee - with a lot of perspective, overall wisdom, insight, practicality, and self-awareness. She's a real jewel. I'm lucky I met my partner. I always joke that he's Dutch and that's why it's easy (they are very pragmatic and DIRECT!), but clearly there are people from all backgrounds who can be thoughtful, patient, and pragmatic. These are the types that are good for ND people, if not ND people themselves. I find my partner to be an excellent support and source of inspiration.
I was genuinely surprised when she said that she enjoys the social aspect of work. I really thought neuro-typical people were just better at tolerating socializing at work. Except for rare occasions where I've worked with people who I could genuinely connect with, most of the time I spend trying to figure out what people expect of me, how "weird" I'm being, whether or not I'm reacting appropriately, while actually listening to and absorbing what's being said. it's exhausting.
Absolutely! I generally think "No Way! No one could possibly enjoy... crowds, noise, small talk, not focusing on your favorite thing until you forget you are tired, hungry and need to pee very badly" etc I always thought everyone thought like me, until I learned that they actually don't, even though I simultaneously knew I really do not fit in and am on the wrong planet!
Married for 19 years. I was diagnosed 4 years ago. Wife just realized she’s most likely on the spectrum thanks to Mom on the Spectrum’s little chart. I answered 37 affirmatively. Wife answered 35. For comparison my BFF & step-mom answered 11 & 12 affirmatively…. Sooo just because one may think they are typical doesn’t mean they are 😂. Especially women… we are very good at hiding it.
She looks to him, doesn't get the allistic cue of eye contact back, doesn't skip a beat and still loves him. He's just listening to her completely the whole time. Great couple. How did you (she, wife) learn to not internalize the lack of expected corresponding social cues?
I think what your wife is saying about needing a loan time is totally true with any relationship. I think mothers are relied on to run the home and kids and manage home life. Im autistic and my husband isn't and I find although he's the bread winner. I do everything else. I have to plan in time to go see friends or have my time and tell him this is happening because if not I can melt down and burn out. I could really use the alone time and actually make sure I do but in detriment to my health for example I'll stay up late to get my quiet time when the rest of the house has gone to bed. Which then means I cut my sleep short but I need the time. I guess what I'm saying your wife needs time alone as well though and needs to be planned for her.
Also in regards to your wife telling you what she needs you to do is pretty common. I think most men need to be told what to do. What's expected, I have to write lists for my hubby because he would happily do nothing. He's not got autism. He just doesn't see stuff the same way. Would happily live in a pig sty.
I am in the exact same situation as you and it's reassuring to read about another mum who doesn't get enough alone time and stays up ridiculously late to get some alone time. Also I think its because I hate transitions. Thanks
I very much look forward to nighttime when the whole house is sleeping and I can enjoy just not being needed for one thing or another. Especially because I don't leave my house often and even more especially because I don't socialize in person with even my two dearest friends. I socialize maybe once a year and it's incredibly draining and stressful. I was surprised to hear his wife talk about not being able to have alone time and instead just taking a long shower or sit on the toilet longer. No thank you. I think her getting alone time is just as important as her ND husband getting alone time.
I’m a neurotypical female who recently started dating an autistic male, and your channel is really great for me to learn more about it and hopefully be a better and more understanding partner :)
I married my wife and acquired 3 children within 3 years before the question of me being autistic even came up. It really feels validating seeing your experience because It helps me stop gaslighting myself about my self diagnosis.
I loved this.. this resonates with me. I have a man in my life I adore. Though the relationship can't grow to what I'd like it to unfortunately. Chris is almost 50 and never married. He is very structured in his life. He has tried with us but its far from enough. I've accepted his limitations and see him when I can,, but I live my life not waiting anymore.
you are a great husband and father. needing alone time so you don’t have meltdowns is just a part of the package that comes with an autistic partner. if we can avoid meltdowns we do whatever we can each day to do so. i know you do your best and love your family a lot. your wife is very beautiful and charming. best wishes from america 😊❤
So glad for this video of both of you together. We've been married for 42 years and just learned of my diagnosis a couple weeks ago. She was at the end of her rope and her counselor suggested the possibility of my condition. I have been bewildered by my wife and kids' issues with me because I have seen myself as a super nice guy with positive traits that I thought would be admirable. Now we know what's going on and have been learning alot thru your videos and others'. Thanks so much. From my view, we don't have arguments either. We discuss things. She shares her side, I share mine. We might volley that once or twice but if we aren't getting anywhere then we let it rest and come back another time when we've both had time to process and come up with a new angle. It's not important WHO is right, but rather what is the truth or what is best, objectively.
Renee I love seeing you on here. How you negotiate life *together* is so important to see. Highly recommend you get a babysitter or daddy helper for you to get away here and there. I know the value of such is not easy to quantify, perhaps as Orion. But you both need and deserve it. Everyone benefits. Your kids benefit when they see you doing things for yourself outside if work and home. It normalizes the need to do so in their eyes, and de-pathologizes Orion. Instead of Orion has special needs, it's just that his symptoms when not getting some time are different. It's worth the financial sacrifice believe me!
Responding to the comment about knowing about a partners autism before vs after marriage, all the years before discovering my husband was autistic were awful. Just awful. Realizing he was autistic has helped ME to understand why he was so “distant and selfish”. If I had of known how difficult life was in his head I would have been able to be more understanding instead of just devastated and hurt all the time. Getting over 3 decades of hurt and resentment is very challenging, it would have been much better for our marriage and especially our children if I had of had that perspective. It is in NO WAY similar to a medical disorder that has obvious signs. For level 1 ASD it is very hard to detect let alone understand unless you’re coming from that background.
ive been married 23 years got diagnosed asd in 2021 but with out my wife id be lost and thats honest she makes sure i eat drink bills are paid having 3 kids also gave me a sense of routine as well
This was a beautiful healthy discussion! Thanks to your lovely wife for participating. My thoughts on ND relationships: they can only work if the NT partner has a lot of patience and understanding of ASD. They would also have to readjust their expectations in the relationship. This may seem unfair, and in fact it is. But the ND partner also has to be very cognizant of their limitations, know what their triggers are, and continue to improve themselves. And if both parties do this with a healthy level of respect and some good humor (as you two seem to!😊) then it can be very rewarding! I'm a 36yo F autistic who was diagnosed last year; you two give me hope for a healthy relationship:) cheers!
Renee, you are a beautiful woman, inside and out! Thank you both for a very candid and transparent conversation about struggles and strengths in your relationship. You are both blessed to have each other.
I love this discussion so much. Both my husband and I are autistic, and even then, we are so incredibly different and struggle with different things. We also have our unique strengths. I have a much harder time understanding sarcasm, whereas he seems to be an expert in it. He has a harder time with time management, but I'm great at it. And we compliment each other really well/understand each other's needs, but it wasn't just an automatic easy ride at all! Every relationship is a struggle regardless, and neurodiverse couples can make it work whether one or both is autistic or has adhd
My partner is autistic and I diagnosed him within about 30 minutes of meeting him. Because I raised an autistic son, I recognized what was so different about him. I absolutely love his honesty and fidelity. He can be nothing other! Like your wife, I appreciate his need for structure because I lack it. He loves trains, so I often call him the engine because he keeps me going. He walks 3x/day and I go with him on at least one walk. We live in a tiny apartment, so we vary our bedtimes so we both get alone time. Thanks for posting this! ❤
This is a very valuable conversation! I’m the neurotypical partner a year into a relationship. Knowing that this is worth it & there are others with similar joys and struggles brings peace of mind.
I love Renee. She’s lovely! I like your energy together. You compliment each other. My son is 9 and on the spectrum and I often wonder if he’ll find a partner one day. Seeing you two together, balancing each other so lovingly and with such good humour really gives me hope for him.
❤your wife is so beautiful.Such an incrediable ,intelligent magnificent soul. I do hope she is able to find support from friends and family when she is exhausted and needs time out. You are both beautiful I love you both...❤❤ thankyou for sharing.
I started seeing my GF right around the time that I discovered I had ADHD, and she was working out that she's Autistic. We're both still undiagnosed as of right now (I have an evaluation this week to find out). But it's been a journey we've been on together, and it's something that's definitely brought us closer together.
I’m in a similar boat! I recently got “officially” diagnosed with ADHD and Autism and my partner most likely has ADHD as well. We’d dated for over a year before suspicions were raised that I might be Autistic, and it’s been a crazy, but amazing journey since. We’re definitely a lot closer now too 💜
I really appreciate this couple interacting together authentically for us to see. I have been with an undiagnosed Asperger’s (now would be mild ASD) for the past 5 years and I (NT female) am struggling with the differences. This helps. Thank you.
My husband of the 17 years has not received a diagnosis officially but our son did and I highly suspect he is on spectrum as well. One of the thing I hate is my husband take too much time for him. Like after coming from work at 6h00pm he goes straight to our bedroom and get a 30 min nap and rest of his day. I had the same diploma than him and I have even more a stressful job as I am a manager now, but I need to cook and take carebof the kids. I am always on the run. I cope with the stress to make everything happen and have food ready on the table at 6:30pm so the kids can have their routine….so frustrating that he puts his needs before the family and making me coping. This should be a team work. We argue so many times… sometimes I just think I am so autonomous that their will ne no difference if I am a single mom. Actually, i won’t have him as a bullet.
Absolutely awesome. Your wife has intelligent thinking. What did I like about what she said? Everything! She was spot on in her thoughts about how to view and handle someone with autism. I am on the spectrum and my husband loves me for who I am. He does not care because there are so many things that he loves about me. He is very patient, intelligent, and loving. When we found out when I was on the spectrum, he just kindly said everything makes sense. Now he understands when I start to get excited and talk loudly, he knows it is not because I lack self-control but because I am on the spectrum. So, now when I start to get loud, he signs to me with his hand to lower my voice instead of interrupting me. Which, I really appreciate because he does not to interrupt my thought process which can be very frustrating for someone on the spectrum. I am so happy to have found you both on youtube.
It was interesting watching the thoughts being processed and the stress levels increasing as you were listening to some of her answers. It's clear you're aware of some of your shortcomings and would love to be able to do better, but l guess that's part of our burden in life, not only to have shortcomings but to be aware of how they impact others and how as much as we wish to improve there is only so much we can do. Learning to accept such things has often been difficult, but without acceptance it just creates more stress which leads to meltdowns or breakdowns.
Oh man that part on arguing I so agree with, I too think its just a conversation, because I can put my feelings aside and just talk it out because my need to understand is so much higher than my need to feel upset or be upset with my partner.
In my observations, my husband actually has a harder time around the other autists in our circle, they trigger his sensitivities way more (because of their loud, intense conversations etc) which I find rather hilarious
ASD myself, and this is a legit thing. Having autism definitely doesn't give you a built-in tolerance for the behavior of other autistic people haha. If that were the case, my kids would have like 90% fewer sibling squabbles lol Like, it's easy for us autists to bond and talk a good game through the filter of the internet, but we'd all probably get on each other's nerves so much in person haha
After going undiagnosed for 25yrs and going through everything that comes with it, I'm at a point where I find it excruciatingly hard to even keep friendships with NT people. Constant miscommunications and the tendency to lie/be insincere, which most NTs have, just has me do way too much mental math to actually figure out where the relationship stands. I'm so thankful my partner is also on the spectrum, that just makes it way easier for me to communicate my needs and be understood. So it's all the more impressive for me, how you and your wife are able to communicate successfully and raise children with each other!
It’s exhausting, to be sure. One thing that’s helpful to remember is that it’s just as often a bit of a challenge for folks who are NT to understand *us!* That we’re not intentionally _trying_ to be difficult toward them any more than they are to us. It can definitely be more frustrating for one side than the other, as I don’t imagine NTs typically feel as though there’s some great, Autistic conspiracy seeking to undermine _them_ at every turn 😆. But just as importantly, there isn’t actually a grand conspiracy on their part to sabotage us either. Most of the time, people are generally perfectly lovely individuals, going about their days just hoping to be loved, and understood, and accepted; same as anyone. It’s easy to let one’s frustrations slowly creep into generalizations over time. But if we let ourselves fall into those traps, we deprive ourselves, and the world around us, of the very thing that makes us special: the ability to see things that others can’t… to appreciate the qualities that most folks simply take for granted… even the qualities that make _other_ people unique, themselves!
She's a very commited wife and mother with a great sense of responability . I think that she's decided to understand the problem rather than fight it to make it disappear . She knows it will not and that fighting it it will only cause even more tension. She's willing to make it work because the love toward her family is greater than anything else. She's very intelligent ,emphatic,polite and kind hearthed. She loves orion deeply . I've to say that at times she comes off a little quirky too but in an adorable way . I've never seen an authistic man like orion , i don't know if he's masking during the videos , all i sense is adhd .
@@waynepolo6193 Just as often a bit of a challenge? It has been the biggest heartbreak in my life. We get that you are not trying to be difficult. It goes with the understanding that the essence of relationship appears to just be missing in any meaningful relationship with non NT's.
Loved watching this, I would like to see Renee expand on the emotional connection. She mentioned that they have a deep emotional connection and this is the most difficult part of our relationship - it's getting more difficult as time goes on as well.
I have a hard time with my volume in conversations because I get so excited and passionate about what I'm talking about. Other times like in meltdowns or if I'm in a fit of rage of course my volume has no control but my husband likes to question my volume. I may have to yell "I'm just being passionate and loud" 😂. I think that is going to be my new favorite thing to say when questioned on my tone at the time. I just came across your channel and love your videos! Thank you for the relatable content and laughs.
Your wife is SO CUTE! I suspect I’m autistic, and my partner and I have had such a hard time this year in particular. This made me smile and gave me some hope.
Thank you so much for this video. My autistic husband and I loved watching your conversation and we talked for more than an hour afterwards about the time that we dated, his diagnosis and how our relationship changed after we had kids. A type of conversation we haven't had for a long time and it felt great. Thanks for inspiring it! We are looking forward to part 2 (and hopefully more to come).
Brilliant content! So good to hear a real conversation on this. My husband and I have been together 7 years, I’m neurotypical and he is autistic. Like you he received his diagnosis after we were married although we had already assumed he was autistic but he found so much relief and self worth through the diagnosis because he always felt he never fit in so the diagnosis gave him a sense of belonging. We face so many of the challenges you have mentioned but I wouldn’t change it for the world! Thank you so much for creating your videos and being open about your relationship, I’ve found it very reassuring and helpful! 💛
Thank you for this video, I am single always have been and always will, I genuinely love being single. I have really enjoy watching this video, hearing you both speak so openly about your relationship. I love the way you have both worked to have the marriage you have, you both obviously love each other and it’s wonderful to see. I’m sure this video is going to be very helpful to other married couples. I think the key point is that you love each other for who you are. Without that deep love and compassion on both sides the relationship would not work. That the bases for all relationships. I am looking forward to the next part
This need for time thing is so important, its serious social issue. We really need to reevaluate. As an autistic person i can not function in the current social model that's expected of me. But interestingly everyone i know struggles as-well so people are over stress to begin with . Why is it surprising to anyone that people with disability struggle to keep up.
Happy anniversary for tomorrow! You both are so inspiring and real. I love how you know yourself and each other so well and have mutual respect and appreciation. It's clear that having common interests like humour and a commitment to each other and your kids make all the difference in making your marriage work.
Fascinating to WATCH! You and your wife had a 30 minute conversation and you never looked at her! She kept turning to you, but there was no physical connection. (Note: My tone is calm and slightly sad) That is what bothers, offends, disappoints and hurts me the most in my relationship with my husband. For me, it's very unrewarding to talk with him. I feel unseen and disconnected. Knowing it's brain and not love related still does not give me what I would get were he physically engaged with me and smiling at me. The asperger's partner is making sacrifices to accommodate this syndrome, and I think people with aspergers have some responsibility to support their partner 's needs as well. Thanks you for the informative video! I'm looking on the site to see if there are videos to help people with aspergers accommodate partners and friends who are neurotypical. Again, thank you!
So basically… Renee has to forego/ repress/ accept that this need won’t be met and not only not take it personally but also, maintain a healthy nervous system. Not a small feat.
@@hschlachtI agree with you. My husband has Aspergers and we didn’t know till this year, we’ve been married for 22 years, I have anxiety now and my nerves are bad, I feel like I can’t do anything right. I understand his condition now and I feel better knowing what it is as opposed to not knowing the last 21 years but I need major healing. He’s working on himself which is great but it’s still not near perfect and never will be.
@@Lady_Tismthat’s not helpful advice but thanks. We are both working on things now, and our relationship has gotten so much better, he’s really trying and I appreciate that. I’m much better then I was, knowing he’s condition has helped so much and I’ve been learning about the condition as well to better help him. When we got married it was through sickness and health, till death do us part and I take that seriously. It would be one thing if he refused to change but he’s actively working on being a better husband and person. Giving up on someone for something they didn’t choose to have is wrong and sad and I will not give up on him.
My husband has ADHD and actually wanted to watch this one with me, the whole thing. Your wife's perspective helped him to relate with, confirm and convey to me that he loves me for me and isn't just enduring through our relationship. Very helpful and great advice from you both! Thanks to both of you! Btw I had one of your videos playing while my my husband was in earshot and he was like, "haha, I like this guy..." We both very much appreciate that all the info you have made available is within reach and we need go no further to find someone that gets it! I'm picking up your book, because my husband has/is ADHD and I am a autistic and ADHD and we have two little ones that are also on the spectrum. Both my husband and I can use all the info and help we can get! Thanks again. Blessings from over here the US
As a neruotypical wife to a neruodivergent husband I really appreciated this. Much of what was brought up really resonated with me. Especially since he was diagnoised after 20 years of marriage. His diagnosis actually helped erase or relieve a lot of the resentment and anger I had with him for many of his behaviors. And with a child that was diagnoised in the same year it gave us a point to build from as we became educated and learned how to assist our son.
I always think of ideas and outside the box and what comes immediately to mind is just for a couple hours twice a week or once a week or whatever times hire a safe person to be with the kids so your wife can have some alone time or go to the beach time etc. Having that time to recharge will help with feelings of jealousy etc. And hugely self care.
This is sooooo helpful! We are walking through our 4 year old being diagnosed and have been married for almost 11 years and I have wondered for a long time if my husband was on the spectrum (wasn’t aware before we were romantically involved)-it has actually been so enlightening-as I’m learning to support my son, it is helping me learn to support and navigate things with my husband. So excited to watch the next one! Thank you for sharing-it is so encouraging. We have 5 kids (4 on earth as we walked through the loss of a child in 2022) and it is so true that having kids really began to highlight things for us. Anyway-I know this comment is a mess, but thank you for sharing-it is so helpful!!!❤
I am currently undergoing my de-masking and making my appointments for my diagnosis. Your videos have really helped….. I’m not sure how to thank you. But thank you. I wasn’t expecting to cry a little bit because it has opened my eyes to my own mental diversity.
At 64 I have just been diagnosed. Still very new and aside from videos and materials on neurodivergence that were recommended to me by my therapist this is the first video series by a member of our community I have found. I reside in the “States” but will be watching this whole series. Thank you in advance. My wife too is neurotypical ( as far as we know ) and struggling to see my diagnosis as something other than just a label. -Bill W.
Thank you, both for doing these videos. My husband and I and our relationship is becoming much better. A source of hope and comfort and fun for both of us.
Renee, I love your answer to finding out your husband is autistic...even if he knew it before. Feel so much love in that statement! My oldest son is 22 and autistic...this gives so much hope! Your videos help me to understand him even more. 😍😍
LOVE this! I seek to understand and respect my Aspergers husband more and more as time goes on. The more understanding that I have the more I truly find him intriguing. He brings so much depth and joy to my life that I didn’t have before. He was diagnosed later on in life too so he’s been on a journey to discover himself now which has been great to be able to be a part of. I am blessed that we have each other! Thank you both for sharing 😊
this has been one of the best videos for me to see after 5 years of trying to navigate my sensitive ASD husband, basically alone. To try to be more like Renee may be my answer to keeping my health. There has been alot of pain, but it's related to constantly forgetting that his accusations etc have nothing to do with me. Only one thing I totally disagree with: at the end of this video you discussed whether the ASD partner should disclose that he has ASD. What?? Of course he should! Whatever either of you can possibly think to tell eachother about yourselves, you should, so each can make a truly informed decision, and not risk resentment later. Even if I'd had a trauma in my past, I'd feel I should tell, just in case. I'd also feel resentment that I wasn't treated as a partner when something - anything - was ommitted, and wonder why it was hidden from me. No, it just doesn't bode well to intentionally leave out any info before committing to someone. Personally, I'd be very offended if my partner did this. And I am not easily offended. Loved this video! THank you so much!
I’m moderately autistic with severe PTSD. My husband has severe ADD and mild autism. We’ve found that being too goddamn stubborn to give up on loving each other, and a lot of therapy, helps a lot. We’re a super strong team now but it was very hard won.
My NT husband watched this video and recommend I watch it (late dx audhd) LOVE this two-parter. So full of acceptance and love, relatable situations: especially for us parents. Thanks for making this ❤
I think this is one of my favourite videos of yours Orion. I can appreciate the understanding you have for each other’s experiences and the space/grace you give each other.
Touched on something that I noticed there. I can fully understand people getting upset, it's not like I can't see it except for when I was a little kid. But I have the ability to remain completely unheated and stable during a conversation where others are getting angry. Just cut a high percentage of the emotional reactions. Not most of the time but I can throw into that mode. Me and another workmate weren't getting a great deal with a new job, he was going to blast the boss and I said "he's just the bottom cog in the corporate structure. Whatever you say, he has no power to change it. You'll be wasting time.". And I was completely right as he said later he would just let everyone work at their own pace of it was his choice. Thankfully we both got out of that hellhole.
I just want to touch on the "alone time" subject. My husband and I are in a similar boat, but I'm autistic and he has ADHD and tourettes, so he's "more disabled" than I am, and his meltdowns are more detrimental than mine because he hurts himself (due to his tics). He feels incredibly guilty over the fact that he gets 90% more alone time than I do, and I will admit that it is hard for me. I feel for your wife because her "alone time" is just self care and chores (showering extra long, taking longer going to the store) One thing that might help you guys (and anyone else reading this), is if you SCHEDULE time for her to be alone. Start with 30 minutes a day where you say "I've got the kids for this amount of time, go do whatever you want." Then give the kids a bath or play videogames with them (something that will distract them for that amount of time.) It's easier said than done, but if it's part of the schedule then it might help. I say this out of love
This was fantastic for me to watch; thank you so much for being so open! And congratulations on nearly 21 years of marriage 😊 I'm a recently self-identified PDAer while my husband was diagnosed almost six years ago, after our son was and after retiring from 21 years of military service. He's quiet and avoids conflict while I crave deep conversations about the human condition and how it's expressed in everything from school to religion to nationalism, sports, the arts, religion, politics, etc. While on the surface we resemble you and your dynamic, with me being the more extroverted, it had me laughing out loud to hear you talk about the way you argue. In our relationship, my husband takes my passionate expression as anger! But I'm not at all angry, I'm just arguing my point and hoping that he will do the same. After more than 15 years, you'd think I'd give up and keep this sort of conversation for the few friends who share my proclivity for it. But dammit, I just once want him to join me and argue his point - whether he raises his voice or not - and know it's safe and we're not fighting, we're sharing ideas, beliefs, observations, and insights. Just once. (He did it before we married - but he was quite focused on convincing me to become his wife! A pacifist and a Soldier... Still together with an autistic, ADHD (possibly PDA) 12 year old. We're rocking this!)
I have been searching for something like this. My fiancé is autistic and I am neurotic typical. She has had her diagnosis since childhood, and she told me once we started dating. It helps me be more patient and understanding. I think she’s in a burnout period right now and it has been very very difficult. This is exactly the type of content I needed to find today, so thank you!
Providing the information to the NT is absolutely important in addition to attraction and connection. If you know, TELL THEM. It just saves frustration and gives the NT some sense of how to communicate and love and understand properly. It helps to lay the framework for a long term relationship.
I know this is late, but, a lot of this rings true for me and my husband. We have been together for 30 years (married for 27). He was "diagnosed" in 2021. His tipping point that lead to a diagnosis was, he is a Safety Manager at his workplace, during the pandemic, people not following the rules lead to a burnout/meltdown. I had suspicions for years that he was neurodivergent. (reactions that were not what I would expect in some situations). Funny, it's him that always thinks we are having an argument, I just say "No, that was just a discussion". When we do have an argument, he's a runner/hider, which annoys me! But luckily, those are rare. He does *not* enjoy alone time, quite the opposite. I need alone time but he goes to bed and I'm a night owl, so that works for me. His stimming (which was never that much of an issue) has lessened over the years, he isn't that social (but neither am I), and the worst, he is messy, which is a bone of contention for us. LOL. Other than that, he's a great husband, friend and father. Oh, he also has the quirky sense of humor which I find irrisistlble!
Thank you for this. My husband doesn’t have a diagnosis yet, but I’ve suspected after having our children. It has been a learning curve for me to reset my expectations. I am still not very good with direct instructions, this has helped a lot. Thank you
I’ve been married to my newly self diagnosed autistic husband for 32 years. We figured out what was going on when he went to counseling and was asked if he had ever thought about the possibility of being autistic. It has been very helpful for me as the NT partner because some of my husbands behaviors especially in regards to intimacy had felt very unloving to me. ie not physically affection outside the bedroom and many awkward realities in the bedroom. For me it was like the lights went on in my world and I could see all the furniture I had been bumping into. I realized it was not personal rather the framework my husband could operate in. My husband is highly functional socially and most of his triggers come out on our intimate relationship. Most people would never have thought of him as autistic. Just a bit quirky and focused on certain details. I love him even more now that I realize how intentional he has been and how much more effort it takes for him to live in this world than it does for me. I have so much respect for him and want him to be able to be himself and not have to mask around me. I think that has been a slow opening up that has been happening as he realizes more about himself through this new autistic lens as well. I had no understanding of how much agree and anxiety he felt over normal daily stuff. Our daughter who is now an adult is also on the spectrum and I wish I could go back and be a more understanding mother to her as a child. It has helped our relationship as adults to realize the challenges she lives with and appreciate how to relate to her in an understanding ways. Thanks for your content and tackling this subject.
It’s a gem to bump into you. I’m very intrigued. One thing very positive is a person with autism can still have a very normal ,happy and successful life. Listening to all of these , support is vital to continuously thrive in the midst of its attack .episode .One thing , is there any available remedy the sufferer could take that could reduce anxiety and stress level whenever it is being triggered by anything unimaginable. And another thing, you mentioned about your son with autism , so it is inherited in family lineage. Well, for me a person with this diagnose is very intriguing and captivating and so attractive. Thanks to you. Very informative and educational and real.
28:20-ish I find the disclosure thing interesting too. How could you marry someone you don't know inside and out, so the label doesn't really matter that much anymore? I think the question was probably asked by an older couple, from a generation where 1. there wasn't that much understanding of neurodiversity, or 2. they didn't get the chance to get to know each other that well before marriage. Obviously, nowadays, most of us want to know our prospective partner very well before we make a commitment, especially because masking will wear off after a while and that's when you meet the real person. But not everyone is aware of this. Some people feel trapped in an unsuitable marriage, and it's easier to blame autism than the cultural norms that got them there.
I am half way through this one and love it. Ironically my son is on the spectrum and my daughter has celiac to I resonate with both. Also I am super passionate about some stuff and get worked up. Load, talking too much. My mom said the more anxiety I have the more this happens.
I'm in love with someone autistic I was dating who cares about me but isn't in love with me. I don't think ultimately I'm their person but I had two cats die back to back and every time I cry on the phone they cry as well and they have been so present for me and offered to come over and hold me all night. The level of sensitivity and showing up for me is so big and I have so much gratitude to them for being so present and checking in on me so much with. They think I loved them too quickly and said no one has ever cared about them so much but this experience of them being so present makes me positive I've been loving someone that is so worth all that love. It's unfortunate we will enter the friend territory rather than lovers but a better friend I could not have.
It sounds like they are struggling with feeling unlovable rather than you not being the one for them. Encourage them to seek therapy so they can accept love from others and allow them to love both others and themself.
@@Franimus I think that might have a little to do with it, but by the things they said in passing it seems they are waiting for some unicorn fantasy women who fits some ideal that isn't me. I had to block them on some social media and although I didn't block them on my phone and loved them, I do not want any contact ever again. Too hurtful to me. I was ok with loving them and not receiving it back. I am not ashamed to be open hearted and to love. But once they devalued me I was out.
@@Franimus They changed their dating profile to read "I just want to take you out to dinner", while blowing our plans off for fondue and a sleepover. I returned the fondue set and felt like a total fool trying to do something fun and different for us. Let him go through the crap of bad dates and seek out his unicorn. I'm worth so much more than him keeping me around as a placeholder.
@sage2181 Are you sure they dont care or overhelemed by the idea of seeing you? If theg are autistic some of that might be at play? Unless you know they usually take people out on dates?
Brilliant thankyou both of you.Such a great insight,my husband and 6 yo son Autistic,my son going through the process of assessing and my husband ticked all the same boxes a carbon copy of each other myself I'm NT.The topics you covered were great really helpful.😁💯🌟❤️
Orion, you have a lovely wife and family! Thank you for sharing! I have been married for 30 years! No matter the dynamic, marriage is a lot of work! My 2 sons are also on the spectrum. We just have a different normal than other families. Take care!
I totally enjoyed listening to the two of you discussing these issues. It's a joy to see two people completely love each other and understand each other. You don't see that too often ❤️
This was incredibly helpful as I’m the more neuro-typical partner (I’m sure I have my own issues). There’s a lot out there that steals my hope of a good marriage for my late diagnosed husband, but I loved what your wife shared as practical and straightforward mindsets she uses that I think will help a lot. Thank you!
I am an NT wife for 30+ years and I understand everything said in this video. We are dealing with the next chapter (retirement and planning) of our lives. Getting older and dealing with trying to approach very important decisions is very hard. Aging changes and challenges are exhausting. Thank you for sharing.
You may all protest, but 60% of mental health issues ca be regulated and soothed and alleviated and balanced if you have pretty much money. That means: you can live in a big house with enough space for yourself and other family members; you can hire a babysitter for babies, a house keeper for inherently multitasking house-chores; you can eat the best nutritive food which contributes to healthy brain cells (salmon, shrimps rich in Omega-3 etc.); you can have your personal individual specialists like therapist, GP, instructor. And what is more, if you're a creative type of autist you can have enough budget for fulfilling your artistic projects. Moreover, you can buy items of clothes which are really comfortable for your highly sensitive skin, and those are of natural fabric which cost a lot. And etcetera and etcetera.
The passionate thing Also, it's beyond words how heard I feel with that Everyone thinks I am being aggressive when in actuality I just care about what I am talking about or the stance I am taking
When I met my current partner I connected better than with my previous partners but I believed we had a neuro diverse relationship. I'm currently understanding I'm going through autistic burn out so my life long masks have dropped and ive picked up on the now obvious traits. To be perfectly honest I have had the same issues, resentments and experiences over the 10yrs together. Ive found it hard because our presentation is very different and I have trauma pressure to conform and cope but he doesn't even try so I do everything in the house and he works and does his stuff, I make all the concessions to his traits and none of my needs are met at all (hence burn out I guess). I find this really confusing as i understand ND will be difficult but expected spectrum relationships to be a little more understanding
Thank you so much for the amazing work you're doing in creating this content. I'm a Highly Sensitive Person with ADHD who was seeing someone with ADHD/ASD and, although I wish I'd found these videos while we were together, these videos have helped me to understand where things went wrong and keep my love and compassion alive. I'm looking forward to a time when my ex is ready to reconnect at least as friends, and I feel a lot more confident that I'll be able to navigate things with him without continuing a cycle of misunderstanding and hurt, thanks to watching most of your videos.
Omg you get accused of “fighting/arguing” when you’re just trying to have a strident discussion?!? My nt mother is the WORST for this. It’s like i can’t make a point without being accused of being a monster or arguing or being hostile.
In my sister-in-law's house, anything over a polite conversational tone, is considered being horribly strident and argumentative, even if the intent is excitement to share an interesting experience.😢
One thing struck me listening to your wife (I'm an autistic 45 yo woman who's been in 2 long term relationships) : for a neurodiverse relationship to work, the NT partner needs to have a lot of self-confidence, as in being able to not think everything you do is related to them. For example, when she said if you're discussing a topic and she sees you're becoming to anxious and near meltdown, she doesn't think "you don't like her anymore for not wanting to discuss", she actually understand you have difficulty, need more time to understand or think about the matter, etc. I've met very few adults who are able to do that. Keep that wife preciously.
I can so relate to this as my husband lacks confidence and struggles with my directness and sharp tone and cannot cope very well when I get passionate about a subject...
I think people can do it if they know that that's what is going on. Unfortunately (not in the moment), often it's never explained or discussed. And in other contexts the distress would be related to them. Remember that we are watching a couple who have been together for a really long time and have worked through a lot together. It may be that initially she did worry that his distress was about her. But after you witness that several times AND discuss what's happened you get that it almost never is. I think it doesn't work to expect anyone to interpret our behavior, especially if it isn't what they experience and has a different cause than it would have for other people. Nope, gotta tell them (or find them resources like Orion to find out) and talk about it and your needs.
In other words, the ability to accommodate isn't an innate deficit that NTs have. Yes, they function differently but if they understand how we work and are willing to accommodate then they can make those allowances much of the time. As Renee says life throws lots of different stuff at you that you have to accommodate and that happens whether you're NT or ND.
This. My husband always struggled with not taking my rationality and delayed processing as a sign of me not caring about him, and he also felt unimportant and untalented compared to me and my passions and interests. Now, after 12 years together, he’s decided to separate, and it broke my heart… he’s also being screened for a borderline personality disorder, so basically and opposite of being confident in a relationship. I just wonder whether Orion’s wife’s level of confidence is even achievable, I have never seen something like that, especially with men, or maybe I wasn’t looking properly?
@@mischemixDJacademy that sounds exactly like my wife too. im talking normally (in my mind) and shes freaking out thinking im shouting at her and she actually thinks i can control it.
7:18 I felt this one. I'm autistic, my wife has ADHD. Neither of us knew it about ourselves until we had our daughter, life got so hard and we both started crumbling. Several years of therapy and couples counseling and we're finally on a good path again, just three neurodiverse humans working out life together.
I like seeing Orion and his wife together. It's nice of her to come here and answer questions for us, but it's also nice to see how they interact. It's very clear that they care a lot about each other and that's nice to see.
I agree, this is a wonderful video.
😮 this is our goal since my bf has mild autism so were both adjusting and so far we didnt have an argument together 😅 i like teasing him
Oh my god, what you said about arguments is exactly what I've always said to people. I never understand why a person says we are having an argument, I always think it's a meaningful conversation.
My mom used to call them loud discussions 😕
I used to think they were debates. I would get passionate, but never angry. It made no sense to my friends that I’d say I enjoy it. They used to think I meant I enjoy arguing… like I enjoy conflict or something. 😅 Now it’s making a lot more sense.
Yeah, my mom always gets offended when I am just trying to explain something
Circling back for my husband is harder when he is calm. It comes off as "hey, you are attacking me about that thing we already fought over." . The big stuff we power through with rules.
First we go through the checklist.ARE YOU...... tired, hungry, thirsty, hurt (stomach aches cause a lot of arguments) or board?
This is not to say you can't be hungry and still have a valid point. Those issues make small issues feel big. Tackle the easy stuff (hungry, tired, hurt...) and then see if there is the big stuff. This is true for the neurotypicals as well.
We power through with rules.
We use hand signals to indicate lower the volume.
Topic cards (so easy for both to emotionally link arguments -- it feels like the time you did this and this and this-- topic cards keep everyone on topic)
The word "apples". When "apples" are invoked, the other stops talking and just listens. As you know, when discussions are hard, there is a lot of defensiveness, again this has to be on topic.
Finally, we don't walk away feeling like a massive pile of human scabs, we take a few minutes after to say "I appreciate you ...." and give three examples. It's easy to fall into a habit of what you don't like.
We try to keep in the habit of what we do like. We practice those everyday. "You smell good." "Thank you for being a good friend (being friends is really important in marriage)." "I like the way you did that," This keeps the reminders at the end of a fight from seeming artificial or "you're my wife, you have to say that."
This comment was more valuable than you may know! I’m taking a screenshot and making mental notes for myself.
You are a lovely couple and Renee is very understanding of Orion’s need for ‘alone time’ I hope that doesn’t mean she’s exhausting herself- do get someone to do your housework if possible Renee and even get a few healthy meals delivered each week too. No need to be ‘superwoman’ these days - you’ll burn out. Great show!
That’s a great idea.
It is a great idea.
Respectfully, can I suggest most women don’t think housecleaning and cooking are predominantly women’s work, though maybe you are responding to the hints this couple may operate that view.
Lovely thought if you have disposable income.
As a neurodivergent partner engaged to a neurotypical partner, I can’t express enough how helpful this is. Thank you for putting yourself out there and sharing. Not only does this help neurotypical individuals understand autism more, but this also gave me some additional insight to how my neurotypical partner might feel. Which opens the door for us to discuss it. Thank you, and you’re a beautiful couple. 💚
Her talking about recognizing signs of an oncoming meltdown is eye opening to me. I have never allowed myself to be romantically involved with anybody because I scare people, and I don't want to traumatize anyone, so I have always deemed myself unworthy for and unfit for love.
you are worthy. i’m sure i’ve been scarily emotional to my boyfriend, but he is understanding and is learning my triggers (like drinking alcohol) and helps me stay away. idk if i am neurodivergent but i do have a bipolar diagnosis and have tons of anxiety that often warps my view of my relationship, but he reassures me. it took some time to get here and i do believe i was heavily masking my true emotionality in the beginning, but i got lucky to have someone who is understanding and i’m constantly working to improve my own habits for my own stress levels and health. it works well.
sorry i talked abt myself so much but please know that you ARE worthy of love.
you're worthy of love. I recently broke up with my boyfriend with autism. I didn't understand him that much cuz he did too much masking and didnt told me bout autism and how it works. I came from a country which talking bout autism and other mental healthy issues are taboo.
Im browsing youtube and bumped in these videos. I know it's too late. I understand it way better now and honestly, i could have handle the moments way better if he was just more open about it.
You dont scare someone. There's someone out there that's worth your love and if you find her; be open about this.
I hope we can hear an update from you. ❤️
You are not unfit for love. None of us are perfect. You just need to find someone who loves you for who you are and who is willing to forgive you for those moments when you have a melt down. Things can be better. Just be open to it and it can happen.
My husband and I got married when I was 51, he pretty quickly realized something was up with me.. we did some research, and he helped me figure out I was autistic. IT EXPLAINED EVERYTHING IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!! I was diagnosed at age 53.. now I'm 54. But he and his two teen daughters had already moved in.. basically right when we got married. I was also caring for my mom who lives with me, and my 7 year old as well. So I had gotten into a mess with way too many people to "care for" and could not function well enough at all. Having basically no alone time blind sighted me. When I was "alone" I couldn't decouple my brain from worrying about the others.. so it didn't feel like alone time. So we now live separately.. he's so sweet. We've never argued once. He's my best friend and he helps me in so many ways. He's an introverted math professor and we have a very compatible sense of humor, but he's definitely NT. Anyway, I finally realize - I could probably never be a fully functioning wife for anyone. (I was married for 5 years in the 90s too, but didn't know I was autistic then of course). I basically turn into a Vulcan.
I’m glad to hear others like me! I can’t be a wife either and realise I need to live alone asap. I don’t know how people have kids or marriages with autism / adhd. I would melt down daily.
The role of a Vulcan is extremely soothing.
My partner (I'm the autistic one -female) is very logical, grounded, and no-drama. He has a very healthy intact ego and he communicates like Renee - with a lot of perspective, overall wisdom, insight, practicality, and self-awareness. She's a real jewel. I'm lucky I met my partner. I always joke that he's Dutch and that's why it's easy (they are very pragmatic and DIRECT!), but clearly there are people from all backgrounds who can be thoughtful, patient, and pragmatic. These are the types that are good for ND people, if not ND people themselves. I find my partner to be an excellent support and source of inspiration.
I was genuinely surprised when she said that she enjoys the social aspect of work. I really thought neuro-typical people were just better at tolerating socializing at work. Except for rare occasions where I've worked with people who I could genuinely connect with, most of the time I spend trying to figure out what people expect of me, how "weird" I'm being, whether or not I'm reacting appropriately, while actually listening to and absorbing what's being said. it's exhausting.
Bless you, that does sound exhausting
Absolutely! I generally think "No Way! No one could possibly enjoy... crowds, noise, small talk, not focusing on your favorite thing until you forget you are tired, hungry and need to pee very badly" etc I always thought everyone thought like me, until I learned that they actually don't, even though I simultaneously knew I really do not fit in and am on the wrong planet!
@@rhondawest6838 man, I didn’t know how to say it so clearly. Thank you! And all the best on your journey.
Married for 19 years. I was diagnosed 4 years ago. Wife just realized she’s most likely on the spectrum thanks to Mom on the Spectrum’s little chart. I answered 37 affirmatively. Wife answered 35. For comparison my BFF & step-mom answered 11 & 12 affirmatively…. Sooo just because one may think they are typical doesn’t mean they are 😂. Especially women… we are very good at hiding it.
She looks to him, doesn't get the allistic cue of eye contact back, doesn't skip a beat and still loves him. He's just listening to her completely the whole time. Great couple. How did you (she, wife) learn to not internalize the lack of expected corresponding social cues?
Good question. I TRY to ignore lack of feedback...haven't accomplished 'not internalizing' the hurt
As a couples therapist who is looking to help more neurodiverse partners in their relationships, I really appreciate your disclosure and honesty! :)
where are you currently located?
for couples therapy
@sadegonzalez6870 I'm licensed in NY and NJ but currently on maternity leave until early November. I'm part of a group private practice in NY.
I think what your wife is saying about needing a loan time is totally true with any relationship. I think mothers are relied on to run the home and kids and manage home life. Im autistic and my husband isn't and I find although he's the bread winner. I do everything else. I have to plan in time to go see friends or have my time and tell him this is happening because if not I can melt down and burn out. I could really use the alone time and actually make sure I do but in detriment to my health for example I'll stay up late to get my quiet time when the rest of the house has gone to bed. Which then means I cut my sleep short but I need the time. I guess what I'm saying your wife needs time alone as well though and needs to be planned for her.
Also in regards to your wife telling you what she needs you to do is pretty common. I think most men need to be told what to do. What's expected, I have to write lists for my hubby because he would happily do nothing. He's not got autism. He just doesn't see stuff the same way. Would happily live in a pig sty.
I am in the exact same situation as you and it's reassuring to read about another mum who doesn't get enough alone time and stays up ridiculously late to get some alone time. Also I think its because I hate transitions. Thanks
I very much look forward to nighttime when the whole house is sleeping and I can enjoy just not being needed for one thing or another. Especially because I don't leave my house often and even more especially because I don't socialize in person with even my two dearest friends. I socialize maybe once a year and it's incredibly draining and stressful.
I was surprised to hear his wife talk about not being able to have alone time and instead just taking a long shower or sit on the toilet longer. No thank you. I think her getting alone time is just as important as her ND husband getting alone time.
I’m a neurotypical female who recently started dating an autistic male, and your channel is really great for me to learn more about it and hopefully be a better and more understanding partner :)
OMG! Same. And I really want to make this work because this person has brought out a different side of me.
I married my wife and acquired 3 children within 3 years before the question of me being autistic even came up. It really feels validating seeing your experience because It helps me stop gaslighting myself about my self diagnosis.
I loved this.. this resonates with me. I have a man in my life I adore. Though the relationship can't grow to what I'd like it to unfortunately.
Chris is almost 50 and never married. He is very structured in his life. He has tried with us but its far from enough. I've accepted his limitations and see him when I can,, but I live my life not waiting anymore.
you are a great husband and father. needing alone time so you don’t have meltdowns is just a part of the package that comes with an autistic partner. if we can avoid meltdowns we do whatever we can each day to do so. i know you do your best and love your family a lot. your wife is very beautiful and charming. best wishes from america 😊❤
How do guys meet women in the USA on the spectrum? I hate dating but it's a necessary evil I guess🤣
Renee is flat-out amazing. Orion is brilliant. What a great thing that these two found each other.
Thank you Renee for your time and your energy and your thoughts!
So glad for this video of both of you together. We've been married for 42 years and just learned of my diagnosis a couple weeks ago. She was at the end of her rope and her counselor suggested the possibility of my condition. I have been bewildered by my wife and kids' issues with me because I have seen myself as a super nice guy with positive traits that I thought would be admirable. Now we know what's going on and have been learning alot thru your videos and others'. Thanks so much.
From my view, we don't have arguments either. We discuss things. She shares her side, I share mine. We might volley that once or twice but if we aren't getting anywhere then we let it rest and come back another time when we've both had time to process and come up with a new angle. It's not important WHO is right, but rather what is the truth or what is best, objectively.
Renee I love seeing you on here. How you negotiate life *together* is so important to see.
Highly recommend you get a babysitter or daddy helper for you to get away here and there. I know the value of such is not easy to quantify, perhaps as Orion. But you both need and deserve it. Everyone benefits. Your kids benefit when they see you doing things for yourself outside if work and home. It normalizes the need to do so in their eyes, and de-pathologizes Orion. Instead of Orion has special needs, it's just that his symptoms when not getting some time are different. It's worth the financial sacrifice believe me!
Responding to the comment about knowing about a partners autism before vs after marriage, all the years before discovering my husband was autistic were awful. Just awful. Realizing he was autistic has helped ME to understand why he was so “distant and selfish”. If I had of known how difficult life was in his head I would have been able to be more understanding instead of just devastated and hurt all the time. Getting over 3 decades of hurt and resentment is very challenging, it would have been much better for our marriage and especially our children if I had of had that perspective. It is in NO WAY similar to a medical disorder that has obvious signs. For level 1 ASD it is very hard to detect let alone understand unless you’re coming from that background.
ive been married 23 years got diagnosed asd in 2021 but with out my wife id be lost and thats honest she makes sure i eat drink bills are paid having 3 kids also gave me a sense of routine as well
Renee seems cool. You’re a nice couple. Glad you’ve been able to work together
This was a beautiful healthy discussion! Thanks to your lovely wife for participating. My thoughts on ND relationships: they can only work if the NT partner has a lot of patience and understanding of ASD. They would also have to readjust their expectations in the relationship. This may seem unfair, and in fact it is. But the ND partner also has to be very cognizant of their limitations, know what their triggers are, and continue to improve themselves. And if both parties do this with a healthy level of respect and some good humor (as you two seem to!😊) then it can be very rewarding! I'm a 36yo F autistic who was diagnosed last year; you two give me hope for a healthy relationship:) cheers!
Renee, you are a beautiful woman, inside and out! Thank you both for a very candid and transparent conversation about struggles and strengths in your relationship. You are both blessed to have each other.
I love this discussion so much. Both my husband and I are autistic, and even then, we are so incredibly different and struggle with different things. We also have our unique strengths. I have a much harder time understanding sarcasm, whereas he seems to be an expert in it. He has a harder time with time management, but I'm great at it. And we compliment each other really well/understand each other's needs, but it wasn't just an automatic easy ride at all! Every relationship is a struggle regardless, and neurodiverse couples can make it work whether one or both is autistic or has adhd
This was lovely! Thank you Renee and Orion for being so open and honest with us. You have a beautiful relationship! 💞
My partner is autistic and I diagnosed him within about 30 minutes of meeting him. Because I raised an autistic son, I recognized what was so different about him. I absolutely love his honesty and fidelity. He can be nothing other! Like your wife, I appreciate his need for structure because I lack it. He loves trains, so I often call him the engine because he keeps me going. He walks 3x/day and I go with him on at least one walk. We live in a tiny apartment, so we vary our bedtimes so we both get alone time. Thanks for posting this! ❤
This is a very valuable conversation! I’m the neurotypical partner a year into a relationship. Knowing that this is worth it & there are others with similar joys and struggles brings peace of mind.
I love Renee. She’s lovely! I like your energy together. You compliment each other. My son is 9 and on the spectrum and I often wonder if he’ll find a partner one day. Seeing you two together, balancing each other so lovingly and with such good humour really gives me hope for him.
❤your wife is so beautiful.Such an incrediable ,intelligent magnificent soul. I do hope she is able to find support from friends and family when she is exhausted and needs time out. You are both beautiful I love you both...❤❤ thankyou for sharing.
I started seeing my GF right around the time that I discovered I had ADHD, and she was working out that she's Autistic. We're both still undiagnosed as of right now (I have an evaluation this week to find out). But it's been a journey we've been on together, and it's something that's definitely brought us closer together.
I’m in a similar boat! I recently got “officially” diagnosed with ADHD and Autism and my partner most likely has ADHD as well. We’d dated for over a year before suspicions were raised that I might be Autistic, and it’s been a crazy, but amazing journey since. We’re definitely a lot closer now too 💜
I really appreciate this couple interacting together authentically for us to see. I have been with an undiagnosed Asperger’s (now would be mild ASD) for the past 5 years and I (NT female) am struggling with the differences. This helps. Thank you.
My husband of the 17 years has not received a diagnosis officially but our son did and I highly suspect he is on spectrum as well. One of the thing I hate is my husband take too much time for him. Like after coming from work at 6h00pm he goes straight to our bedroom and get a 30 min nap and rest of his day. I had the same diploma than him and I have even more a stressful job as I am a manager now, but I need to cook and take carebof the kids. I am always on the run. I cope with the stress to make everything happen and have food ready on the table at 6:30pm so the kids can have their routine….so frustrating that he puts his needs before the family and making me coping. This should be a team work. We argue so many times… sometimes I just think I am so autonomous that their will ne no difference if I am a single mom. Actually, i won’t have him as a bullet.
Absolutely awesome. Your wife has intelligent thinking. What did I like about what she said? Everything! She was spot on in her thoughts about how to view and handle someone with autism. I am on the spectrum and my husband loves me for who I am. He does not care because there are so many things that he loves about me. He is very patient, intelligent, and loving. When we found out when I was on the spectrum, he just kindly said everything makes sense. Now he understands when I start to get excited and talk loudly, he knows it is not because I lack self-control but because I am on the spectrum. So, now when I start to get loud, he signs to me with his hand to lower my voice instead of interrupting me. Which, I really appreciate because he does not to interrupt my thought process which can be very frustrating for someone on the spectrum. I am so happy to have found you both on youtube.
It was interesting watching the thoughts being processed and the stress levels increasing as you were listening to some of her answers. It's clear you're aware of some of your shortcomings and would love to be able to do better, but l guess that's part of our burden in life, not only to have shortcomings but to be aware of how they impact others and how as much as we wish to improve there is only so much we can do. Learning to accept such things has often been difficult, but without acceptance it just creates more stress which leads to meltdowns or breakdowns.
Oh man that part on arguing I so agree with, I too think its just a conversation, because I can put my feelings aside and just talk it out because my need to understand is so much higher than my need to feel upset or be upset with my partner.
In my observations, my husband actually has a harder time around the other autists in our circle, they trigger his sensitivities way more (because of their loud, intense conversations etc) which I find rather hilarious
ASD myself, and this is a legit thing. Having autism definitely doesn't give you a built-in tolerance for the behavior of other autistic people haha. If that were the case, my kids would have like 90% fewer sibling squabbles lol
Like, it's easy for us autists to bond and talk a good game through the filter of the internet, but we'd all probably get on each other's nerves so much in person haha
After going undiagnosed for 25yrs and going through everything that comes with it, I'm at a point where I find it excruciatingly hard to even keep friendships with NT people.
Constant miscommunications and the tendency to lie/be insincere, which most NTs have, just has me do way too much mental math to actually figure out where the relationship stands.
I'm so thankful my partner is also on the spectrum, that just makes it way easier for me to communicate my needs and be understood.
So it's all the more impressive for me, how you and your wife are able to communicate successfully and raise children with each other!
It’s exhausting, to be sure. One thing that’s helpful to remember is that it’s just as often a bit of a challenge for folks who are NT to understand *us!* That we’re not intentionally _trying_ to be difficult toward them any more than they are to us.
It can definitely be more frustrating for one side than the other, as I don’t imagine NTs typically feel as though there’s some great, Autistic conspiracy seeking to undermine _them_ at every turn 😆. But just as importantly, there isn’t actually a grand conspiracy on their part to sabotage us either. Most of the time, people are generally perfectly lovely individuals, going about their days just hoping to be loved, and understood, and accepted; same as anyone.
It’s easy to let one’s frustrations slowly creep into generalizations over time. But if we let ourselves fall into those traps, we deprive ourselves, and the world around us, of the very thing that makes us special: the ability to see things that others can’t… to appreciate the qualities that most folks simply take for granted… even the qualities that make _other_ people unique, themselves!
She's a very commited wife and mother with a great sense of responability . I think that she's decided to understand the problem rather than fight it to make it disappear . She knows it will not and that fighting it it will only cause even more tension. She's willing to make it work because the love toward her family is greater than anything else. She's very intelligent ,emphatic,polite and kind hearthed. She loves orion deeply . I've to say that at times she comes off a little quirky too but in an adorable way . I've never seen an authistic man like orion , i don't know if he's masking during the videos , all i sense is adhd .
Gosh, so many NT's feel the same about the painful lack with the relationship with a non typical person.
@@waynepolo6193 Just as often a bit of a challenge? It has been the biggest heartbreak in my life. We get that you are not trying to be difficult. It goes with the understanding that the essence of relationship appears to just be missing in any meaningful relationship with non NT's.
@@giovannamoro8564 Thank you for seeing clearly. These videos offer false hope to those who still have hope. IMO.
Loved watching this, I would like to see Renee expand on the emotional connection. She mentioned that they have a deep emotional connection and this is the most difficult part of our relationship - it's getting more difficult as time goes on as well.
I have a hard time with my volume in conversations because I get so excited and passionate about what I'm talking about. Other times like in meltdowns or if I'm in a fit of rage of course my volume has no control but my husband likes to question my volume. I may have to yell "I'm just being passionate and loud" 😂. I think that is going to be my new favorite thing to say when questioned on my tone at the time. I just came across your channel and love your videos! Thank you for the relatable content and laughs.
Your wife is SO CUTE! I suspect I’m autistic, and my partner and I have had such a hard time this year in particular. This made me smile and gave me some hope.
Thank you so much for this video. My autistic husband and I loved watching your conversation and we talked for more than an hour afterwards about the time that we dated, his diagnosis and how our relationship changed after we had kids. A type of conversation we haven't had for a long time and it felt great. Thanks for inspiring it! We are looking forward to part 2 (and hopefully more to come).
Brilliant content! So good to hear a real conversation on this. My husband and I have been together 7 years, I’m neurotypical and he is autistic. Like you he received his diagnosis after we were married although we had already assumed he was autistic but he found so much relief and self worth through the diagnosis because he always felt he never fit in so the diagnosis gave him a sense of belonging. We face so many of the challenges you have mentioned but I wouldn’t change it for the world! Thank you so much for creating your videos and being open about your relationship, I’ve found it very reassuring and helpful! 💛
Thank you for this video, I am single always have been and always will, I genuinely love being single. I have really enjoy watching this video, hearing you both speak so openly about your relationship. I love the way you have both worked to have the marriage you have, you both obviously love each other and it’s wonderful to see. I’m sure this video is going to be very helpful to other married couples. I think the key point is that you love each other for who you are. Without that deep love and compassion on both sides the relationship would not work. That the bases for all relationships. I am looking forward to the next part
What a wonderful wife!!! God Bless you!
Thank you for making the video; your wife is really lovely
This need for time thing is so important, its serious social issue. We really need to reevaluate. As an autistic person i can not function in the current social model that's expected of me. But interestingly everyone i know struggles as-well so people are over stress to begin with . Why is it surprising to anyone that people with disability struggle to keep up.
Happy anniversary for tomorrow! You both are so inspiring and real. I love how you know yourself and each other so well and have mutual respect and appreciation. It's clear that having common interests like humour and a commitment to each other and your kids make all the difference in making your marriage work.
Fascinating to WATCH! You and your wife had a 30 minute conversation and you never looked at her! She kept turning to you, but there was no physical connection. (Note: My tone is calm and slightly sad) That is what bothers, offends, disappoints and hurts me the most in my relationship with my husband. For me, it's very unrewarding to talk with him. I feel unseen and disconnected. Knowing it's brain and not love related still does not give me what I would get were he physically engaged with me and smiling at me. The asperger's partner is making sacrifices to accommodate this syndrome, and I think people with aspergers have some responsibility to support their partner 's needs as well. Thanks you for the informative video! I'm looking on the site to see if there are videos to help people with aspergers accommodate partners and friends who are neurotypical. Again, thank you!
I agree! I think it’s sad
So basically… Renee has to forego/ repress/ accept that this need won’t be met and not only not take it personally but also, maintain a healthy nervous system. Not a small feat.
@@hschlachtI agree with you. My husband has Aspergers and we didn’t know till this year, we’ve been married for 22 years, I have anxiety now and my nerves are bad, I feel like I can’t do anything right. I understand his condition now and I feel better knowing what it is as opposed to not knowing the last 21 years but I need major healing. He’s working on himself which is great but it’s still not near perfect and never will be.
@@christinme23I think that if you have that mindset, maybe it’s time to call it quits.
@@Lady_Tismthat’s not helpful advice but thanks. We are both working on things now, and our relationship has gotten so much better, he’s really trying and I appreciate that. I’m much better then I was, knowing he’s condition has helped so much and I’ve been learning about the condition as well to better help him. When we got married it was through sickness and health, till death do us part and I take that seriously. It would be one thing if he refused to change but he’s actively working on being a better husband and person. Giving up on someone for something they didn’t choose to have is wrong and sad and I will not give up on him.
My husband has ADHD and actually wanted to watch this one with me, the whole thing. Your wife's perspective helped him to relate with, confirm and convey to me that he loves me for me and isn't just enduring through our relationship. Very helpful and great advice from you both! Thanks to both of you!
Btw I had one of your videos playing while my my husband was in earshot and he was like, "haha, I like this guy..." We both very much appreciate that all the info you have made available is within reach and we need go no further to find someone that gets it! I'm picking up your book, because my husband has/is ADHD and I am a autistic and ADHD and we have two little ones that are also on the spectrum. Both my husband and I can use all the info and help we can get! Thanks again.
Blessings from over here the US
Thank you both for being so incredibly honest on camera! It helps a lot.
As a neruotypical wife to a neruodivergent husband I really appreciated this. Much of what was brought up really resonated with me. Especially since he was diagnoised after 20 years of marriage. His diagnosis actually helped erase or relieve a lot of the resentment and anger I had with him for many of his behaviors. And with a child that was diagnoised in the same year it gave us a point to build from as we became educated and learned how to assist our son.
I always think of ideas and outside the box and what comes immediately to mind is just for a couple hours twice a week or once a week or whatever times hire a safe person to be with the kids so your wife can have some alone time or go to the beach time etc. Having that time to recharge will help with feelings of jealousy etc. And hugely self care.
This is sooooo helpful! We are walking through our 4 year old being diagnosed and have been married for almost 11 years and I have wondered for a long time if my husband was on the spectrum (wasn’t aware before we were romantically involved)-it has actually been so enlightening-as I’m learning to support my son, it is helping me learn to support and navigate things with my husband. So excited to watch the next one! Thank you for sharing-it is so encouraging. We have 5 kids (4 on earth as we walked through the loss of a child in 2022) and it is so true that having kids really began to highlight things for us. Anyway-I know this comment is a mess, but thank you for sharing-it is so helpful!!!❤
I am currently undergoing my de-masking and making my appointments for my diagnosis. Your videos have really helped….. I’m not sure how to thank you. But thank you. I wasn’t expecting to cry a little bit because it has opened my eyes to my own mental diversity.
That's wonderful! HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!
You two are lovely to watch together. So glad you made this video!
At 64 I have just been diagnosed. Still very new and aside from videos and materials on neurodivergence that were recommended to me by my therapist this is the first video series by a member of our community I have found. I reside in the “States” but will be watching this whole series. Thank you in advance. My wife too is neurotypical ( as far as we know ) and struggling to see my diagnosis as something other than just a label.
-Bill W.
Thank you, both for doing these videos. My husband and I and our relationship is becoming much better. A source of hope and comfort and fun for both of us.
Renee, I love your answer to finding out your husband is autistic...even if he knew it before. Feel so much love in that statement! My oldest son is 22 and autistic...this gives so much hope! Your videos help me to understand him even more. 😍😍
LOVE this! I seek to understand and respect my Aspergers husband more and more as time goes on. The more understanding that I have the more I truly find him intriguing. He brings so much depth and joy to my life that I didn’t have before. He was diagnosed later on in life too so he’s been on a journey to discover himself now which has been great to be able to be a part of. I am blessed that we have each other! Thank you both for sharing 😊
This really touched me and gave me hope. ❤
this has been one of the best videos for me to see after 5 years of trying to navigate my sensitive ASD husband, basically alone. To try to be more like Renee may be my answer to keeping my health. There has been alot of pain, but it's related to constantly forgetting that his accusations etc have nothing to do with me.
Only one thing I totally disagree with: at the end of this video you discussed whether the ASD partner should disclose that he has ASD. What?? Of course he should! Whatever either of you can possibly think to tell eachother about yourselves, you should, so each can make a truly informed decision, and not risk resentment later. Even if I'd had a trauma in my past, I'd feel I should tell, just in case. I'd also feel resentment that I wasn't treated as a partner when something - anything - was ommitted, and wonder why it was hidden from me. No, it just doesn't bode well to intentionally leave out any info before committing to someone. Personally, I'd be very offended if my partner did this. And I am not easily offended. Loved this video! THank you so much!
I’m moderately autistic with severe PTSD. My husband has severe ADD and mild autism.
We’ve found that being too goddamn stubborn to give up on loving each other, and a lot of therapy, helps a lot. We’re a super strong team now but it was very hard won.
My NT husband watched this video and recommend I watch it (late dx audhd) LOVE this two-parter. So full of acceptance and love, relatable situations: especially for us parents. Thanks for making this ❤
I think this is one of my favourite videos of yours Orion. I can appreciate the understanding you have for each other’s experiences and the space/grace you give each other.
Touched on something that I noticed there. I can fully understand people getting upset, it's not like I can't see it except for when I was a little kid. But I have the ability to remain completely unheated and stable during a conversation where others are getting angry. Just cut a high percentage of the emotional reactions. Not most of the time but I can throw into that mode. Me and another workmate weren't getting a great deal with a new job, he was going to blast the boss and I said "he's just the bottom cog in the corporate structure. Whatever you say, he has no power to change it. You'll be wasting time.". And I was completely right as he said later he would just let everyone work at their own pace of it was his choice. Thankfully we both got out of that hellhole.
I just want to touch on the "alone time" subject. My husband and I are in a similar boat, but I'm autistic and he has ADHD and tourettes, so he's "more disabled" than I am, and his meltdowns are more detrimental than mine because he hurts himself (due to his tics). He feels incredibly guilty over the fact that he gets 90% more alone time than I do, and I will admit that it is hard for me. I feel for your wife because her "alone time" is just self care and chores (showering extra long, taking longer going to the store)
One thing that might help you guys (and anyone else reading this), is if you SCHEDULE time for her to be alone. Start with 30 minutes a day where you say "I've got the kids for this amount of time, go do whatever you want." Then give the kids a bath or play videogames with them (something that will distract them for that amount of time.)
It's easier said than done, but if it's part of the schedule then it might help. I say this out of love
This was fantastic for me to watch; thank you so much for being so open! And congratulations on nearly 21 years of marriage 😊
I'm a recently self-identified PDAer while my husband was diagnosed almost six years ago, after our son was and after retiring from 21 years of military service. He's quiet and avoids conflict while I crave deep conversations about the human condition and how it's expressed in everything from school to religion to nationalism, sports, the arts, religion, politics, etc. While on the surface we resemble you and your dynamic, with me being the more extroverted, it had me laughing out loud to hear you talk about the way you argue. In our relationship, my husband takes my passionate expression as anger! But I'm not at all angry, I'm just arguing my point and hoping that he will do the same. After more than 15 years, you'd think I'd give up and keep this sort of conversation for the few friends who share my proclivity for it. But dammit, I just once want him to join me and argue his point - whether he raises his voice or not - and know it's safe and we're not fighting, we're sharing ideas, beliefs, observations, and insights. Just once. (He did it before we married - but he was quite focused on convincing me to become his wife! A pacifist and a Soldier... Still together with an autistic, ADHD (possibly PDA) 12 year old. We're rocking this!)
What a lovely couple. You have an ease between you that only happens with a genuine, loving relationship. It's wonderful to see - thank you
I have been searching for something like this. My fiancé is autistic and I am neurotic typical. She has had her diagnosis since childhood, and she told me once we started dating. It helps me be more patient and understanding. I think she’s in a burnout period right now and it has been very very difficult. This is exactly the type of content I needed to find today, so thank you!
Great to see the two of you interacting; the quiet side of Orion, the understanding of Renee.
Providing the information to the NT is absolutely important in addition to attraction and connection. If you know, TELL THEM. It just saves frustration and gives the NT some sense of how to communicate and love and understand properly. It helps to lay the framework for a long term relationship.
I did enjoy meeting your wife. You have a lovely connection. Thank you Renee.
I know this is late, but, a lot of this rings true for me and my husband. We have been together for 30 years (married for 27). He was "diagnosed" in 2021. His tipping point that lead to a diagnosis was, he is a Safety Manager at his workplace, during the pandemic, people not following the rules lead to a burnout/meltdown. I had suspicions for years that he was neurodivergent. (reactions that were not what I would expect in some situations).
Funny, it's him that always thinks we are having an argument, I just say "No, that was just a discussion". When we do have an argument, he's a runner/hider, which annoys me! But luckily, those are rare. He does *not* enjoy alone time, quite the opposite. I need alone time but he goes to bed and I'm a night owl, so that works for me.
His stimming (which was never that much of an issue) has lessened over the years, he isn't that social (but neither am I), and the worst, he is messy, which is a bone of contention for us. LOL. Other than that, he's a great husband, friend and father. Oh, he also has the quirky sense of humor which I find irrisistlble!
Thank you for this. My husband doesn’t have a diagnosis yet, but I’ve suspected after having our children. It has been a learning curve for me to reset my expectations. I am still not very good with direct instructions, this has helped a lot. Thank you
I’ve been married to my newly self diagnosed autistic husband for 32 years. We figured out what was going on when he went to counseling and was asked if he had ever thought about the possibility of being autistic.
It has been very helpful for me as the NT partner because some of my husbands behaviors especially in regards to intimacy had felt very unloving to me. ie not physically affection outside the bedroom and many awkward realities in the bedroom.
For me it was like the lights went on in my world and I could see all the furniture I had been bumping into. I realized it was not personal rather the framework my husband could operate in.
My husband is highly functional socially and most of his triggers come out on our intimate relationship. Most people would never have thought of him as autistic. Just a bit quirky and focused on certain details.
I love him even more now that I realize how intentional he has been and how much more effort it takes for him to live in this world than it does for me.
I have so much respect for him and want him to be able to be himself and not have to mask around me. I think that has been a slow opening up that has been happening as he realizes more about himself through this new autistic lens as well.
I had no understanding of how much agree and anxiety he felt over normal daily stuff.
Our daughter who is now an adult is also on the spectrum and I wish I could go back and be a more understanding mother to her as a child. It has helped our relationship as adults to realize the challenges she lives with and appreciate how to relate to her in an understanding ways.
Thanks for your content and tackling this subject.
It’s a gem to bump into you. I’m very intrigued. One thing very positive is a person with autism can still have a very normal ,happy and successful life. Listening to all of these , support is vital to continuously thrive in the midst of its attack .episode .One thing , is there any available remedy the sufferer could take that could reduce anxiety and stress level whenever it is being triggered by anything unimaginable. And another thing, you mentioned about your son with autism , so it is inherited in family lineage. Well, for me a person with this diagnose is very intriguing and captivating and so attractive. Thanks to you. Very informative and educational and real.
Everyone needs to regulate and decompress regardless of whether they are divergent or not.
28:20-ish
I find the disclosure thing interesting too. How could you marry someone you don't know inside and out, so the label doesn't really matter that much anymore?
I think the question was probably asked by an older couple, from a generation where
1. there wasn't that much understanding of neurodiversity, or
2. they didn't get the chance to get to know each other that well before marriage.
Obviously, nowadays, most of us want to know our prospective partner very well before we make a commitment, especially because masking will wear off after a while and that's when you meet the real person. But not everyone is aware of this. Some people feel trapped in an unsuitable marriage, and it's easier to blame autism than the cultural norms that got them there.
I am half way through this one and love it. Ironically my son is on the spectrum and my daughter has celiac to I resonate with both. Also I am super passionate about some stuff and get worked up. Load, talking too much. My mom said the more anxiety I have the more this happens.
Thanks for sharing your life and experiences with us all.
And omg so many times my so says to me. “Just tell me what you want me to do. Be exact and I’ll be happy to do it. “
These points are important to everyone not just spouse. The world will grow and see
I'm in love with someone autistic I was dating who cares about me but isn't in love with me. I don't think ultimately I'm their person but I had two cats die back to back and every time I cry on the phone they cry as well and they have been so present for me and offered to come over and hold me all night. The level of sensitivity and showing up for me is so big and I have so much gratitude to them for being so present and checking in on me so much with. They think I loved them too quickly and said no one has ever cared about them so much but this experience of them being so present makes me positive I've been loving someone that is so worth all that love. It's unfortunate we will enter the friend territory rather than lovers but a better friend I could not have.
It sounds like they are struggling with feeling unlovable rather than you not being the one for them. Encourage them to seek therapy so they can accept love from others and allow them to love both others and themself.
@@Franimus I think that might have a little to do with it, but by the things they said in passing it seems they are waiting for some unicorn fantasy women who fits some ideal that isn't me. I had to block them on some social media and although I didn't block them on my phone and loved them, I do not want any contact ever again. Too hurtful to me. I was ok with loving them and not receiving it back. I am not ashamed to be open hearted and to love. But once they devalued me I was out.
@@Franimus They changed their dating profile to read "I just want to take you out to dinner", while blowing our plans off for fondue and a sleepover. I returned the fondue set and felt like a total fool trying to do something fun and different for us. Let him go through the crap of bad dates and seek out his unicorn. I'm worth so much more than him keeping me around as a placeholder.
@sage2181 Are you sure they dont care or overhelemed by the idea of seeing you? If theg are autistic some of that might be at play? Unless you know they usually take people out on dates?
@@sage2181that’s. a horrifyingly hurtful thing to have to see. I am so sorry that happened.
Wow. Fascinating discussion. Renee is an incredible soul who is tailor-made for you, Orion. Thank you both for sharing.
Brilliant thankyou both of you.Such a great insight,my husband and 6 yo son Autistic,my son going through the process of assessing and my husband ticked all the same boxes a carbon copy of each other myself I'm NT.The topics you covered were great really helpful.😁💯🌟❤️
Orion, you have a lovely wife and family! Thank you for sharing! I have been married for 30 years! No matter the dynamic, marriage is a lot of work! My 2 sons are also on the spectrum. We just have a different normal than other families. Take care!
I totally enjoyed listening to the two of you discussing these issues. It's a joy to see two people completely love each other and understand each other. You don't see that too often ❤️
Your relationship is inspiring! What a wonderful wife you have.
This was incredibly helpful as I’m the more neuro-typical partner (I’m sure I have my own issues). There’s a lot out there that steals my hope of a good marriage for my late diagnosed husband, but I loved what your wife shared as practical and straightforward mindsets she uses that I think will help a lot. Thank you!
Great couple. Lovely, normal people. Funny and warm, and helpful.
Oh so cute what an adorable couple makes me so happy to see you two so happy!
I am an NT wife for 30+ years and I understand everything said in this video. We are dealing with the next chapter (retirement and planning) of our lives. Getting older and dealing with trying to approach very important decisions is very hard. Aging changes and challenges are exhausting. Thank you for sharing.
You may all protest, but 60% of mental health issues ca be regulated and soothed and alleviated and balanced if you have pretty much money. That means: you can live in a big house with enough space for yourself and other family members; you can hire a babysitter for babies, a house keeper for inherently multitasking house-chores; you can eat the best nutritive food which contributes to healthy brain cells (salmon, shrimps rich in Omega-3 etc.); you can have your personal individual specialists like therapist, GP, instructor. And what is more, if you're a creative type of autist you can have enough budget for fulfilling your artistic projects. Moreover, you can buy items of clothes which are really comfortable for your highly sensitive skin, and those are of natural fabric which cost a lot. And etcetera and etcetera.
100 percent. I was thinking all of those same things.
The passionate thing
Also, it's beyond words how heard I feel with that
Everyone thinks I am being aggressive when in actuality I just care about what I am talking about or the stance I am taking
When I met my current partner I connected better than with my previous partners but I believed we had a neuro diverse relationship. I'm currently understanding I'm going through autistic burn out so my life long masks have dropped and ive picked up on the now obvious traits. To be perfectly honest I have had the same issues, resentments and experiences over the 10yrs together. Ive found it hard because our presentation is very different and I have trauma pressure to conform and cope but he doesn't even try so I do everything in the house and he works and does his stuff, I make all the concessions to his traits and none of my needs are met at all (hence burn out I guess). I find this really confusing as i understand ND will be difficult but expected spectrum relationships to be a little more understanding
Thank you so much for the amazing work you're doing in creating this content. I'm a Highly Sensitive Person with ADHD who was seeing someone with ADHD/ASD and, although I wish I'd found these videos while we were together, these videos have helped me to understand where things went wrong and keep my love and compassion alive. I'm looking forward to a time when my ex is ready to reconnect at least as friends, and I feel a lot more confident that I'll be able to navigate things with him without continuing a cycle of misunderstanding and hurt, thanks to watching most of your videos.
Omg you get accused of “fighting/arguing” when you’re just trying to have a strident discussion?!?
My nt mother is the WORST for this. It’s like i can’t make a point without being accused of being a monster or arguing or being hostile.
What the actual fuck is even wrong with NTs that they assume every aspect of life has to be combative?
In my sister-in-law's house, anything over a polite conversational tone, is considered being horribly strident and argumentative, even if the intent is excitement to share an interesting experience.😢