"You're no walk in the park either, my neurotypical friend" Hehehe, Oh Orion. You make me giggle. I've wrapped myself in a metaphorical blanket of neurodivergent people for comfort.
For an anniversary gift, my wife got me an airbnb for a weekend so I could sit around and play video games alone. It was one of the best presents I have ever received.
Jim Carey has said some things I find profoundly relatable. Discussing how he spent so many years being the funny guy, playing all these goofy characters, that he realised he didn't know who he was anymore. He spent so long being what people wanted him to be, that he had no idea who he was inside.
@@MannaAzadyeah I'm nonbinary and autistic, and it's so yucky feeling when people have heavy emotional displays, I don't know how to handle it and want to run away. Even though they say people raised as female are good with emotions, I am not and never have been.
Eye contact is one thing I noticed immediately(lack of or inability to maintain eye contact). That's difficult for me, especially when having a serious conversation or wanting intimacy.
I'm sorry my friend ... we Are there with you. (*sudden U2 brain worm "with or without you, with, or, withoouut yoou" ) But because we are together in this hardship shows that we don't have friends we have family in each other.
Burnout can indeed last for an extended period, and can be overwhelming. I envision burnout as a response to chronic stress . I personally use coping strategies such as exercise, healthier diet, rest,sleep, and activities that I enjoy.
Number 9 would be solved if everyone just communicated with words instead of just assuming people can read your mind and just know your non-verbals. This goes for any kind of relationship regardless of neurodivergency or neurotypical people. The worst communicators are those that don't speak up. Communication is a key ingredient.
What's weird is I catch myself expecting people to read my mind even as a neurodiverse person. The dichotomy is real. Edit: I think this is more common amongst autistic people that are a little higher on the spectrum. It's like my brain works in a more neurotypical manner in trying to take in information for communication, but I outwardly communicate in an autistic manner. It's weird
I'd love a video about how to get across to neurotypicals that direct communication is such an important safety net. If I ask a question, it's only because I want that specific information. If I tell them something, it's because I think them having that information will benefit the both of us. There's no subtext or ulterior motive, it's exactly as it appears at face value. If I ask a simple question and the other person keeps giving an unrelated (to me) answer, it brings back the longstanding fear and trauma of not being understood with no way out.
Additionally, how can we express ourselves in a way that we are heard? NT people can't even tell me why they ignore me. My entire life no one takes me seriously unless I yell at them like I'm about to kill them. Even my pets are like this with me. I'll say something five times in five ways and they act like I'm just talking to myself, but if I get upset because no one listens, it's like it's my fault.
With my ex. She would say I have to tell you this. So she would tell me the whole story. I would be thinking what's the point to this. And then I would say you could of said this and it would of been alot quicker but she thought I was being rude. And sometimes I would zone out etc
I can’t believe you just said ‘refreshing’. That was the word I used when I first met my autistic partner 20 years ago, that it was ‘refreshing’ being around him.
It’s sucks learning you’re neurodivergent after 22 years on this planet. Never knew I was “masking” a lot of the time to hide my stimming. Never knew I TRULY saw the world as differently. But this brain, this brain of neurodivergence, is what makes me , ME.
same here. I didn't know for 33 years. it came as a big suprise, cause I never thought anything was different about me, i just assumed everyone was the same, but simply where better at me at certain things that I didn't grasp "how?". but ofc there are beneficial sides to it. more empathy. being able to sense more powerfully, being able to pay attention to detail more are some of them.. ofc if one can channel those into something useful, it can be very good. sometimes I feel like a psychic who can feel everything in a room when I walk into it :D
I'm not sure if you have done a video on this yet. But I think its important for NT people to understand just how much we have to adjust and accommodate them. In order to function in this world without wanting to just fully exit from it... I had to go out of my way to learn how NT people behave, studying psychology and body language to just be able to interact a lot easier. I am WILDLY accepting of so much differences in people. If I find myself not liking a persons behavior I really think about if that is just my hang up or if what they are doing is like a boundary cross and inappropriate. I sit there and ask myself some questions. Like: is this hurting me? Is this making it harder for me to do my job? Is this an intentional action from them? And sometimes NT people are just weird sometimes and that is okay, just because I don't agree with it doesn't mean I need to punish it with social shame or whatever it is they do when they don't know how to accept differences/oddities in others. A good chunk of NT people are almost just incapable of accepting anyone outside the norm. Too many times has an NT person told me that I have to change to better suit the situation when I wasn't even doing anything wrong, they just where uncomfortable and I was asking them for a small accommodation like please take me at face value I say what I mean. I need to think on this more because I know I've done a lot to alter my behavior to make others more comfortable at the expense of my comfort its about time they did the damn say, that is the making of a good society, we tolerate the differences that don't pose risk to: our health, safety, finances, mental health, housing, food and similar.
I really like how you articulated this. I have to be honest though, accommodating people at the expense of our own wants and needs to meet societal norms is something all people do on some level. You are not alone. But I think I get your point, it's easier for some than others and it's good to be open to differences and willingness to adjust for the betterment of all. I agree. If that's how you operate and it doesn't cause harm than so be it! Operate away! 😊
@@KTKaute Mike Tyson said it best, "Social media made y'all way to[o] comfortable with disrespecting people and not getting punched in the face for it." I would adore 3 minutes with you in person.
Hello there my beautiful autistic friend! Loved what you wrote and wanted to leave you with two things. 1) Blending in to this world is something we all must do to some degree. Those like us, it's certainly more difficult. Don't feel bad about the process and nevermind the feedback you get. The only thing you need to do is concern yourself with the idea of being true to you are and never mask to the extent of loosing you. You are a beautiful wonderful person with amazing abilities and I promise the members of your tribe who haven't found you yet will soon enough. You'll have a life full of love. 2) Goblin Tools.... more specifically goblin.tools/Formalizer SUPER HELPFUL!!!!! _______above is what I wrote and below is what goblin tools did with what I wrote______ Hey, my beautiful autistic friend! Loved your writing. Just two things for you: 1) Blending in is hard, especially for people like us. Don't worry about feedback, just focus on being true to yourself. You're amazing and will find your tribe. 2) Check out goblin.tools/Formalizer. It's super helpful!
Self Diagnosed 50 yr old who has struggled her entire life trying to figure out what was wrong with me! I am not depressed - I LIKE to be alone and NEED my alone time 🙃🙂 - Realizing I'm not alone PRICELESS! 🥰 THANK YOU so much for making these videos 😊 *Change - NO NO NO lol Routines 😊 *I wished I were not socially awkward but always have been. I'd sometimes think; "... If I could be a fly on the wall (invisible) and go to social events where no one bothers me I could do that and it would be great! It's the interaction I struggle with
Getting that dx for me was eye-opening, despite years of both working with autistic kids and study. i'm NOT subconsciously self-sabotaging, i'm not insane! i told the psychologist to not apologise for the dx, it's a good thing! i'd always felt since childhood i was an alien anthropologist studying humans; i'd spend hours looking for the seam of my disguise.
@@tims9434 have to agree - to a point. often it is self-dx or others commenting that leads us to attempt to get assessed. Easy enough for males. But females are often told 'you're just quirky', 'you must have borderline personality disorder/ADD/ADHD/??', ' you can't possibly be autistic because you're having a conversation with me' . . . and end up with an alphabet soup of dx just because a psychiatrist/psychologist won't believe that an adult female could be autistic.
I have heard it said - and my experience of my autistic partner seems to back this up - that the primary (displayed) emotion of an autistic is frustration. Frustration at their coworker’s incompetence, frustration at interruptions to their tasks, frustration at NT non-logical/over-emotional approach, frustration with themselves, and so on. It is difficult because it is rare that an offhand comment or question I make or ask doesn’t start to feel like contempt, which is a sure indication that a (neurotypical) relationship is in trouble.
For years the only emotions I could identify was anger and frustration. If someone gave me suggestions based on what I was telling them I could say yes/no. About 5 years after I did DBT I now get a sensation that I can identify as anxious/overwhelmed. That has been a gamechanger as before that it would seem like I was fine and then suddenly exploded (unless someone knows me really well it can still quite often look like that), at least now I have an internal warning sign that I am close to exploding that isn't a build up of anger. Agree that especially if I am overdone I don't have much patience for the things.
Yeah . . . .feel that . . . Frustration IS also easy to trace cause the cause IS often very logical! Autists often have very high expectations, Like a very strong Sense of Justice, for right and wrong, Work ethics . . .people Not following the Same Moral Code with the Same dedication often rubs US the wrong way. Addi g to this, how often Things are Not established with US in mind, unclear instructions, sensory issues .. . .
I think that's why my relationship has worked, tbh. We met before either of us knew we were neurodiverse. Always had a deep connection and understanding of each other that we didn't quite understand ourselves. Doesn't mean it doesn't come with challenges, though. But, as an autistic person, you won't find a relationship with more patience or understanding.
Although my partner and I are soulmates, she and I are vastly different. I appreciate being able to share this with her🙏🙏 I bet you’re helping people more than you think, thank you!🙌
I've been sending these videos to my son who is Autistic and married to an Autistic wife. They are having struggles in their second year of marriage. I've been trying to help him navigate from my own experience as both my husband and I are Autistic.
I had to learn all of this hard way, over time for my autistic husband. Life is so much better knowing these 10 points. Thank you Orian for all you do for the Autism community.
Orion, I am in tears because I didn’t know how to “explain” my autistic “ways”..ESPECIALLY the alone time. She always thinks I’m avoiding her and I end up babbling nonsense and awkwardly walking to my room and sitting there worrying about her feelings. I torn between coming out of my room and hanging out with her then I’m like “NOOO I CANT! I NEED TO BE ALONE!! I’m going to show her this video. It will help so much. Thank you 🙏🏻 ❤
I Hurt my mother pretty badly cause she Just does Not understand, gets pushy and makes me even more reluctent then to interact with her cause she Takes everything Personal and i Just cant accomodate her when I am burned out
@@TeddyLovesAxl My husband and I talked about this and we give each other alone time now. He can do something he likes that overstimulates me (loud stuff, seeing friends, etc) and I can rest in the room. It is a life saver! Talk with your partner and make sure that it is alone time for BOTH of you. You to recover, relax, and unwind, them to do something they like, go out with a friend, or relax. It can even give them something to talk with you about later. Even NT's need time to unwind or be alone. You just need it more often.
@@SingingSealRianamy mom also takes everything personally so it has made me not want to express true thoughts/feelings with her regarding things like boundaries or how the “you’re always holed up in your room” comments sting because I NEED that time
Honesty is SO important to me! I had an ex lie to me about messing around with someone else. If they had come to me right after and admitted it, yeah I wouldn't have been happy but we could have talked it out and maybe worked something out. Instead they lied to me for months and only told the truth when they dumped me for the other person, and then when I _understandably_ got angry they were like "I knew you'd be upset!" WELL NO SH!T I AM.
Yeah that person was just an a$$hole. They would have pulled that regardless of who the person was and that situation it would be extremely rare to find someone who wouldn't be upset about it. Agree about honesty being important, don't say that you will/won't do something and not live up to that.
I wanted to say that I love my autistic partner. Been married to him for 12 years…… watching this video overwhelms me and makes me hopeless. Can someone give me hope? What would my autistic partner offer the relationship to offset all the sacrifices I am expected to make?
@@mumoffour6860 I totally agree. I think this video is helpful but makes it sound like none of the problems are the fault of the autistic partner. All the changes need to be made by the nt partner.
In hs i was in love with a possibly autistic girl. It was absolutely aggravating. To love someone so much and have them just be like "Cool, thanks, get away from me" crushed my spirits. It especially didn't make sense because she would date guys, who had a very specific look. Years later i reconnected with her, and its still very hard to resist her charm. All she wants is to live in seclusion with a mountain of books. We're very close friends, though i haven't actually seen her since '08. Honestly, i think that if i truly love her the best thing i can do is give her what she wants: to be left tf alone. On my end it never seemed fair, like i was a sucker. But i understand that shell never reciprocate my love because she just can't. And i have to accept that thats ok.
This isn't my main, but as someone on the spectrum, I just wanted to state that a lot of us enjoy pursuing knowledge, whether it be from books, media, videos, articles, what have you. Autistic women are a whole different ballgame because their brains are wired even more differently than an autistic man. I can see this be very frustrating, but some of us do enjoy just sitting alone as we find it relaxing after a long day of forced social interaction. Her preferences appear to be very specific, and if someone doesn't check those boxes, she doesn't accept them. As an autistic man, I encourage you to look elsewhere for romantic relations (and yes I know you stated this at the end of your comment), even though I know that is far easier said than done. If you like women on the spectrum, that's a wonderful thing, but we are very direct in our approach and our ways. I hope you find the one.
#2 is so, so important. Whatever passion holds them, they need it. A lot. It can be anything from model trains to video games to painting to birdwatching to reading the classics to collecting baseball cards to coding to jigsaw puzzles? But it is something that person in your life requires as an outlet, and nothing good can come from failing to respect that. You may as well slap them in the face as dismiss or mock that thing they take joy in more than anything else.
Concise, highly informative, excellent Orion ⭐️ Thank you for this & all that you do for both the neurodivergent & neurotypical people on the planet we share ♥️
Thank you Orion, me and my husband just had a fight over the weekend, because he just can't stand to listen to my reasoning and what I need to say. He can't stand to give me the time and the attention I need to be heard. It doesn't help that he gaslights me, and manipulates the situation. And I will just start out one sentence and he will steamroll me and talk over me the whole time. So I'm going to send him this video to watch I hope he watches it. You explained it so well. You're simply awesome 😎👍🏻
After an interaction like this I will spend hours crafting a message to convey my thoughts & feelings, as I am a Dyslexic AuDHD. Typically the messages I spent hours on are deleted in front of me. 🤔 There is a barrier there that I can't get past.
if your husband treats you this way, disrespects you and isnt even willing to listen to you, why are you together? lik it sounds pretty shitty, dehumanizing and frustrating to be with someone who is supposed to love you but wont respect you enough to try. you know you dont have to stay with someone thats not a good partner for you right?
These videos are hugely helpful for a parent of two autistic adult children who have been master maskers. It’s only now they are in their twenties that I am learning what makes them tick. There is so much guilt and sadness for mothers who never recognised or understood the particular needs of their much loved twice exceptional kids growing up. It’s a case of “ if only I’d known then what I know now”. The good side is having access to really helpful videos like these which open a window into the world of autism.
Thank You for your channel. I have an autistic grandson and I’m learning so much from you. I thought with time (he’s 14), he would develop more typical coping abilities. I understand now that it is not delayed neuro development but an alternate type of neuro system. It changes my expectations for both of us and has me thinking about finding new approaches to help him.
I like how you pointed out how the truth can be used flexibly by neurotypical people, with good intention. Your advice for people trying to properly interpret what might seem to them as excessive and hurtful honesty is great. BUT... that same discrepancy, when viewed from the other side can create another problem, or at least it does in my experience. As an autistic person gains awareness of the fact that other people can and do use lies as a form of social lubricant, it can become difficult to deal with the uncertainty about what someone is really trying to convey. Do you have any advice for an autistic person to help them navigate this challenge?
maybe 'cos i'm old enough to just give up on trying, or because i was dx near 50, i just take people as they say/present themselves. If later they say 'but id idn't mean that!' i just say then you should've said what you meant. i'd rather that than being lied to!
This will sound unusual as advice, but it really does help for understanding neurotypical minds. I would recommend learning of primate behavior and then human behavior ( all studies on people in general seem to not factor mind types and are average neurotypical based). If you remember neurotypicals have disabilities they are unaware of ... Lack of time sense, deep focus, memory storage by reimagined story based on feelings... hyper hierarchical social dominance system and less bandwidth for introspection/empathy.... you understand they are playing a social hierarchy game all the time with the idea " more for me" always first. They sort of contract out their disability areas to other people all the time by obligation and gift giving to have another they consider useful owe them something needed. Looking cool to gain social standing, forming groups and excluding people, telling lies and using small talk to become familiar and gain allies or test for ability to provide something is all part of the weird unspoken rule game. It's implied and unspoken because its hierarchy games in a group where openly showing intent for self to climb social ladder makes the person a threat and be shown to be manipulating to win for themselves. All of this is why they don't even understand how they hurt people. They play to move up in hierarchy ...they play to "win" ...it has to do with how they construct the world in their head...they have to think in "goals" and move towards the goal ..it is because they are mind blind to anything not part of what they want to see. In that sort of game...no one ever is genuine or truthful.
@@Diverse_Interests i've a BS in Cognitive Science, and volunteered as RA in the Comparative Cognition Lab at UCSD for a couple quarters. i've ALWAYS seen the similarities in basic primate behaviours and human ones, even as a kid - though people didn't seem to like me making the connection or observation! Shoot, i can recognise similar behaviours in my dogs.
Autistic person here: I cant use lies as a lubriant, what I do use is placing empathatis on the common factor/common relationship. It isnt important to be right, it is important to be(come) happy together. And this means that you must sometimes let go of being right. Is someone hurt by the way you use certain words? In my case, the word 'again' as in 'you made this mistake "again"', is incredible hurtful. Pointing it out does not serve the relationship, it does not help me motivate me to do something about the reason that I made the mistake. It is a word that makes me feel ashamed. A phrase like "It seems that you are stuck in a pattern. Can you relate to that?" is something that keeps the line of communication open. Be respectful to what impact your honesty may have on others. You dont have to lie, you can wrap it up in nicer language/phrase it differently so that it is easier for someone to engage with what you try to convey. If graphs could have saved the world, they would have done so by now. And in similar words, if logic alone could change behavior, people wouldnt remain stuck in patterns.
Special interests. Yes! My Neurotypical family don't like how I obsess so much over them haha! They're always like 'Why do you buy expensive concert tickets and merch'(believe it or not, this came from my brother-in-law who is a musician btw). When I go on and on about my musicians at home, my Mum tells me agressively that I'm obsessing. My family are a bit ignorant on the 'research' part and it annoys me 😅
13:06 Idk why i was never able to express this appropriately to my ex. I loved her family, some of her friends but the level of gatherings and hangouts, for her I'm sure felt normal, but was just hit after hit. I'd reach a level of just not being able to speak to anyone and seeming so rude. thanks so much for your work.
..so grateful to learn and understand about this! I was never told by my partner then and everything was so hard and confusing. And now it goes click…Your work is so precious 🙏, thanks !!
OMG Orion! I needed to hear this. I made the mistake of asking my neurodivergent husband whether I could still wear sleeveless tops - I was so upset by his 'honesty'. He also said how old I have started to look. He has never had a diagnosis, but I am getting it! My neurotypical friends just thought he was being cruel. But he's all the things you describe, thank you ❤
Special interests are what make autistic children into perfect homeschoolers: all a homeschooling parent has to do is get to know their child and then ask them what they are interested in. When the child is very young, this could be in the form of suggestions or looking through a picture book or going to visit places - toy shops, museums, libraries, police stations, fire stations, dentists, doctors, etc. The child will very rapidly find something they absolutely have to know everything about it. A trip to Waterloo triggered a fascination for Napoleon in a 7yo who learned all about the wars, 19th century history, politics, European geography, etc to the point where a visitor who happened to mention Waterloo was rewarded with what they called the best explanation of Napoleon and Waterloo, ever. Another interest by another child was anything to do with numbers and so by 7yo was teaching the parent algebra. Between the ages of 5 and 20, interests pursued independently (except for parent involvement in providing resources and conversation) covered mathematics, history, politics, literature, music, humour, linguistics, philosophy, Ancient Egypt, Ancient Greece, Warhammer, Pharaoh, sociology, theatre, Dungeons and Dragons, geography (we traveled quite a bit), geology, ballet, karate, english, french, flemish, latin, greek and a short dabble in japanese. They completed a foundation course with the Open University (between 13 and 16) in Climate, science, social science and poetry. So, yeah, special interests are monumentally important and the homeschooled autistic children I know were the best educated teenagers I have ever met, including the one whose special interests were 'only' music, reading, drawing and role playing, because he learned all the other subjects by talking with his siblings and listening to their conversations. When these kids were involved in their special interest, we were all keenly aware of what that interest was and we all got fully educated on that special interest. It is insane to send such children to school because it prevents them from getting fully involved in their special interests and getting the best education they could get while also being allowed to be themselves.
I don't know that it's insane, but you make a really good point about the special interests. Not all parents can home-school. I didn't home school my kids because they wanted to go to school. They cooperated better with the teachers, than they did with me. They liked the independence from parents, and the interaction with the other kids. It was THEIR thing.
@@Catlily5 Are they not? Are all people cut out to be parents? All homeschooling is, particularly for autistic children, is making sure they have the necessary materials and someone to talk with about their interests, and be a parent, obviously. Many people think homeschooling is a parent being a teacher like a school teacher, as in a person with specific knowledge and trained to teach. And some homeschooling parents homeschool that way. I have had kids in school and I have homeschooled kids. The schooling was far more stressful, frustrating and cause of much friction than the homeschooling ever was, and the homeschooled kids acquired a much, much better education and had a much happier childhood. A lot about homeschooling is so misunderstood.
I am not a parent. I am thinking how terrible it would have been for me if my parents homeschooled me. My dad wanted my mom to homeschool me. Luckily my mom realized that she couldn't do it. I am autistic. I was bullied some in school. Especially in junior high school. However, my parents were abusive. Being homeschooled would have been worse. Even for some autistic kids regular school is better. I am not saying that all homeschool is bad especially if you have activities where your kids meet up with other kids. But some parents can't handle it or use it to cover up abuse. I am pretty sure that is why my dad was interested in homeschooling. There was less chance of us reporting abuse to the authorities. So homeschooling sounds great in some cases but not all cases. It sounds like you did a great job with your children!
@@Catlily5 I'm sorry to read about your childhood. It is true that not all people are cut out to be parents and it is always the children who suffer. When the choice is abuse at home or 'some bullying' at school, I expect the abuse is worse simply because it comes from the people who should be protecting and loving you. I realise that not all parents can homeschool but that fits into the category that not all people should have children. During the pandemic lockdown(s) it seemed that half the parents complained about 'what to do with the kids' and half realised how great it was to really spend time with their kids. I hope you are doing well in spite of your beginnings.
As an autistic guy, who has an autistic girlfriend, it hasnt exactly been a piece of cake either. With NT's, at least i usually know what to expect from experience, with her, its all different. We dont really have the same triggers. I can handle crowds just fine, but i have a sensitivity to light. She can walk around in a brightly lit store and be fine but when it starts getting busy, thats when shes antsy. We both need our alone time, and we end up spending too much time alone sometimes. We usually remedy this by planning a day for us and it works out just fine. I think this video is helpful not just for NT's, but ND's as well. We're all different, and we all need certain things to keep us happy.
I really appreciate you Orion. I watch these videos as much as I can to understand my partner even more. Thank you so much, and please thank your wife too, you guys give a lot of great help.
The subject of how to help your employer understand their autistic employee and support them would bea good topic. Apologies if you have covered this already.
Always had a job working on my own which was so comfortable, now just moved into a more managerial role and my social awkwardness makesnit so difficult just to delegate work and confrontation is so hard, i hope in time it gets easier as im well out of my comfort zone 😬
Thank you so much! I raised 2 autistic sons, oldest not dx. This video could have saved us from so much pain and misunderstanding! I did learn most of these things from my youngest but hearing from you confirms that I wasnt 'spoiling' my child as many accused. One topic I would add, there is no communication when in lizard brain (stress). thx!!
I can adjust to socializing, if in the mood or prepared in advance but there is an expiration. My bff is used to talking a lot and I just listen but then I tell her one time, now I just don't want to talk, just do my relaxation in space, let's just be quiet while I detoxify or destress. At first she was offended, but then she realized later I need it. I would love for your wife to have one video talk about how she adjusts to you. Like I really admire her for loving you and understanding you. Like how do you talk about these things?
I have recently moved back to the area where I grew up, after years of caring for elderly parents who passed away. I have a lot of old friends here, going back to when I was pretty good at masking. I have lost those skills and I have been avoiding them because I'm embarrassed. I'm not sure how to handle it. But it helps to know I'm not alone
This is one of your best videos I've seen I think. It's definitely applicable much more widely than just romantic partners. I wish more people that were around me understood some of these things. This is all so better stated and more articulate than I think I could ever do in person. And sometimes messages like these land better when heard from a third party
I am very new to all of this and feeling completely overwhelmed as a newly self-diagnosed adult (and yes, I am in the process of starting down the road of medical diagnosis and help), and your #10 point is SO TRUE and honestly made me cry because "I don't even know who I am" are the words I didn't know to put to how I feel anymore. The past few years have seen me hit multiple breakdowns and burnout so badly that I wound up unemployed for a while because I just couldn't cope anymore. I'm terrified that my wife is fed up with me and secretly wants to divorce me (or that I am so messed up that she'll want to down the road even if she doesn't right now). I don't have a point really, I just have no one I feel safe talking with about any of this who can help me figure out how to learn how to navigate my life in a way that's healthy for both me and my family. I appreciate your videos more than I can put into words. Thank you (and Mom on the Spectrum too, I've been watching many of her videos recently as well).
You’ve helped me so much sir. I was ALWAYS different to everyone in school (minus the friends I have). Always wanted alone time after , always had special interests (right now working on a personal project of an informative map of Los Angeles to post so people may use ) Social interactions daily at my job really helped me with the subconscious triggering of sweating talking to new people. This channel has really helped me with my journey learning of my neurodivergency. Haven’t yet gone to diagnose out of subconscious fear.
Someday I’d love to see the hyper specific video of “what to do when you and your ‘gifted’ partner both discover they’re Autistic in their mid 40s.” But that just may be a little TOO specific lol
10. The masking is exactly me. I am constantly tired. Have depression anxiety. Dont know who i am or supposed to be. Feel like got no engery. And been like this for years
I just started dating someone who is on the autism spectrum (he told me, in passing) and I can definitely recognise these traits in varying degrees. What’s funny is that it’s actually made me more aware of myself and my quirks- I don’t think I’m autistic but I am highly sensitive, require a lot of alone time, prefer brutal honesty, and don’t we all mask to some degree …! Anyway, really appreciate the insight as it just makes everything so much easier to understand and give space for our romance to blossom in a relaxed way ❤
I have everything you described in this video, I self diagnosed myself just listening to other people’s experiences. What I can add is that I constantly feel like people surrounding me are stupid and I can’t understand why. For me they don’t even have a common sense when doing different things where for me every solution is so obvious.
In addition, 2 things....1) It does not take social interaction to exhaust an autistic person. A high level of concentration on a task can do the same thing. Also, parenting is over the top. I am a mother and an entrepreneur, which works for me having my own business but is also exhausting because I have to put in many hours of high level of concentration (like right now). 2) Add into the mix that on top of being Autistic, also being an empath. I know this sounds impossible, but I am both as are many folks I know (mostly but not limited to women). To go into a social environment where we have to mingle, it feels like walking through tar to have to navigate all the negative emotions people emit without realizing it. It's not just the negative. It's almost like you are highly charged magnet and the "stuff" people "discharge" grabs onto you. . You pick up on hate, envy, pride, etc. With the Autistic brain on overload just from the stimulation and all of that, and then viewing everything in black and white, it is the most exhausting and irritating thing in the world. It truly feels like walking through tar to me. I can not stand public gatherings of more than 3 or 5 people. It literally makes me so agitated that I have to leave. I get angry for many reasons, including that I can't do what comes normally to neuro typical people. They enjoy this, and I hate it. It seriously feels like cruel punishment to me, so I avoid those situations as much as possible. Unfortunately, because I can't do these events, I have lost friendships. A friend of mine wanted me to spend whole days traveling to another city near us visiting a museum, shopping, and having lunch. I had to say no every time. She wasn't willing to have a friendship I could handle. She wanted a side kick and I am not that kind of gal. I can't do full days like that with someone I'm going to have to be socially up with all day besides having no down time to recharge. Now, she doesn't even reasons to my texts. I think she thought I was rejecting her. I wasn't. It's very sad to me.
Love this video so much, great work Orion, you’ve put a lot of thought and effort into this topic. I found it very clear and concise and lots of helpful tips. Thank you 🙂
Thank you for this content Orien ‼️. I am going to ask my spouse to watch it. Then rewatch it. Maybe take notes🤓 These key points can help avoid many sad confusing interactions between us. Or lessen the impact when they happen. Fewer perhaps. 🥴. ThankYou again
Thanks Orion! I've watched a few of your videos since I'm one year into a serious relationship with an autistic partner. All of these points ring very true. This is so helpful and will help deepen my understanding of my partner. You are doing very helpful work and I really appreciate it!
11:30 Socialising - OMG I can relate here. I'm not on the spectrum (well... possibly a little) but for other reasons social anxiety is a thing and meeting new people, especially in larger groups, is hard. But feeling guilty about that, and especially if someone compounds that by even hinting that someone might be offended if one doesn't attend.... that one really stings, and ends up just having a negative effect on one's ability to face such situations the next time.
Uummmmmm usually your videos make total sense.... this time it got me thinking about how some have no special interest and some have learnt the white lies bit. It doesn't make sense and my first thought is always truth but I've learnt not to always say it I can 99% of the time figure out when it's not called for. 🤷🏽♀️ just like everything else things vary Edit: OK that masking and identity thing was eyeopening! Thanks
Thank you for the video! These are great tips for those who are oblivious to what autism can mean. I wanted to suggest maybe a video about navigating travel/vacation? It can be so hard.. and it's supposed to be fun! Sometimes I wonder if I know how to have fun 😅
Orion, I am a 42 (almost 43) year old woman. I was diagnosed ADHD and “unofficially” diagnosed Autistic as well. I said “unofficially” because my psychiatrist has confirmed ASD but due to jurisdictional limitations, he is unable to give me the official “paperwork” as it were. In order for that to happen I would have to see a neuropsychologist and that will cost almost $3000CAD. Because I don’t have the “official” piece of paper I often feel like an imposter. I feel as though people will think I’m lying. Some people in my life actually HAVE dismissed it due to the fact that I don’t have that official “proof”. It doesn’t matter that my psychiatrist has said it and that I’ve since had two other psychologists agree (we had been discussing other matters and the topic came up. I’m the end they agreed with my psychiatrist.) How do can we cope with imposter syndrome as it relates to a late ASD diagnosis and how can we make those who would not believe, to see the truth? Or is this my sense of justice just clouding my vision and is there in fact no way to persuade them? TIA
One of the thee best videos I have viewed so far in my neurodiverse journey. Orion you ARE doing awesome and all the crap you had to go through with the government meeting stuff, thanks for talking about it and saying exactly the truth of it all. The US of A is doing the same stuff, really. And I can't even tolerate using any more government agencies, except the ones that we use for my veteran husband's health, and that is hard to tolerate, but its best for our situation for now.
am here to learn about myself thank you :) 0:50 and some night's sleeps cuz my dumb head cant process emotions without starting a war within. 7:00 it s the opposite with me, I am hyper emotional and emotionally expressive, to the point where I overwhelm people if i allow myself be true to who I am. lol. by processing emotions I meant dealing with loadout after I experience emotions that stress me. my entire body goes to war.
6:18 YES. I v dealt with this all my life. I ask them openly to be honest and they STILL lie to "not hurt me". BRUUUH.... ppl just care about defending and shielding THEMSELVES. it s never about me. As an autistic person living and working with Autistic people I can tell that to us IT S ABOUT THE OTHER PERSON. we r simply better as people in many areas imho. even if our social prowess is limited ( but only because the world we live in is more geared towards people with different needs ).
I have 2 autistic sons as well as my partner. Is verbal abuse part of autism, he spends 12 hours in his garage a day working surrounded by people, rarely spends time with his teenage sons. He buys them anything but time and it's causing big arguments. So hard to handle
That point in time where my special interest involves going to expensive theme parks that has thousands of strangers and sensory triggers just to ride it. The special interest of rollercoasters is no easy interest to have especially if you go with someone who's terrified of them. They make me feel the complete opposite of what meltdowns make me feel. SENSORY HEAVEN BUT SO EXPENSIVE AND FAR OFF😭😭 so my question is...how is my partner supposed to engage in my passion if he terrified of them😅
@marthamurphy3913 I and tried that. After a couple rides by myself I couldn't stand waiting in the queue lines and riding all myself for so long. I'm incredibly socially anxious when not around him or other close friend
When I introduced my friend who was figuring out they were autistic to another friend who has diagnosed AuDHD, instead of just throwing them at each other, I gave them each others names, pronouns, specific big triggers for each person, like three common interests, and just a little flavor text blurb so they could get the feeling before being directly introduced. Then introduced them in a chill environment with a common activity we were all interested in, online video game. I stated that it wasn't like, a big thing to have to stay and commit and either can leave/drop out of chat whenever, but pushed to make it as low expectation as possible. The figuring out friend said it changed their entire standards for how they met new people, and appreciated it again when I introduced them to more of my regular friend group. They all get along really well even when I'm not around, and I think taking out that initial bump of just trying to make small talk to some random person really helped. Terrific videos, I teared up a bit when I realized I was a friend's safe person, catalyzing their autistic self discovery journey.
the first one. I'm an extravert. I love being around people. I love to interact sometimes. But I have to actively process often. 2 1/2 hrs is the longest I've gone before shutting down. Usually it's around 40 min to 1 1/2 hr. And then, if shutting down, I can put some music on and up and sit by myself for a bit to process and recharge. If melting down, then there's probably a physical need I haven't addressed.
This is in my Top 5 Orion videos and my Top 5 of all ASD videos!! You're so thorough and clear in your explanations. Thank you sooo much, Orion, for helping those of us who love someone with ASD to understand them better. You have made such a difference!
I was thinking I might be a bit autistic. Hahaha. After watching this I realize I’m totally autistic. I’m ok with white lies and change but the rest are super challenging. I need to show this to my husband.
Sensory - or both hypo- & hyper- sensitivities. i love rough towels, but hate pretty much anything but plant-fibre clothing. i'm really really good at filtering out some sounds, but others will drive me batty and i can't filter them. And it all depends on the day. Very spiky spectrum, this! Autistic brain - we also often don't realise what cues we send out!
This is really helpful information. Thank you! This helps clarify and put in a different perspective on some things I already had some understanding of.
This may be the most important video you’ve ever made (for me). I can’t thank you enough. It’s very powerful that a man living in Australia can help a woman living in Mexico so much. I admire your ability to be so vulnerable about everything. I’m sure it causes you significant discomfort but it really does help so many others.
"You're no walk in the park either, my neurotypical friend"
Hehehe, Oh Orion. You make me giggle. I've wrapped myself in a metaphorical blanket of neurodivergent people for comfort.
For real!!!!!!
That's why I love Orion 😂
Wish there was a person to just do a literal blanket stuff
For an anniversary gift, my wife got me an airbnb for a weekend so I could sit around and play video games alone. It was one of the best presents I have ever received.
I am a farrier and used to tell everyone I shod horses out of town for a weekend every 6 weeks. I actually just stayed in a hotel to be left alone 🙈
I do this on my birthday and as a mental health day too 😅
@@workingdogslog3442dang I'm scared to death of horses, I won't go near them. Cool job tho!
Jim Carey has said some things I find profoundly relatable. Discussing how he spent so many years being the funny guy, playing all these goofy characters, that he realised he didn't know who he was anymore.
He spent so long being what people wanted him to be, that he had no idea who he was inside.
Jim is definitely autistic
He meant that he’s nobody. Everyone is making. Stop masking and nobody seperate is there.
Non duality here is talking about.
It’s perfect for aspies.
1. Alone time
2. Passions
3. Logical
4. cannot express emotional intimacy
5. Love language
6. Sensory challenges
7. Difficulty dealing with change
8. Socialiazing difficulty
9. Autistic brain
10. Masking
Your #4. It's not "cannot" .... just difficult. Neurotypical men have even more difficulty quite often, with intimacy.
@@MannaAzadyeah I'm nonbinary and autistic, and it's so yucky feeling when people have heavy emotional displays, I don't know how to handle it and want to run away. Even though they say people raised as female are good with emotions, I am not and never have been.
Wow, I wonder if I’m on the spectrum?! BF is for sure
Eye contact is one thing I noticed immediately(lack of or inability to maintain eye contact). That's difficult for me, especially when having a serious conversation or wanting intimacy.
Yes me! I was diagnosed 2 days ago
Need to have friends or a wife and kids before I can tell them about my autism.
Most of us autists will die as incels. Maybe for the better... .
Temu
@@DenkyManner😂
Exactly 🤷🏼♀️
I'm sorry my friend ... we Are there with you. (*sudden U2 brain worm "with or without you, with, or, withoouut yoou" )
But because we are together in this hardship shows that we don't have friends we have family in each other.
Can burnout last for years? I feel like I'm just dragging my feet in life. The tiredness and disinterest never ends.
Same
Yes it can, especially if you can't actually have enough time to actually recover
I love your content. Pls keep doing this.
Burnout can indeed last for an extended period, and can be overwhelming. I envision burnout as a response to chronic stress . I personally use coping strategies such as exercise, healthier diet, rest,sleep, and activities that I enjoy.
Yes.
Number 9 would be solved if everyone just communicated with words instead of just assuming people can read your mind and just know your non-verbals. This goes for any kind of relationship regardless of neurodivergency or neurotypical people.
The worst communicators are those that don't speak up.
Communication is a key ingredient.
What's weird is I catch myself expecting people to read my mind even as a neurodiverse person. The dichotomy is real.
Edit: I think this is more common amongst autistic people that are a little higher on the spectrum. It's like my brain works in a more neurotypical manner in trying to take in information for communication, but I outwardly communicate in an autistic manner. It's weird
Don't forget pictures some of us think in pictures
I'd love a video about how to get across to neurotypicals that direct communication is such an important safety net. If I ask a question, it's only because I want that specific information. If I tell them something, it's because I think them having that information will benefit the both of us. There's no subtext or ulterior motive, it's exactly as it appears at face value. If I ask a simple question and the other person keeps giving an unrelated (to me) answer, it brings back the longstanding fear and trauma of not being understood with no way out.
Additionally, how can we express ourselves in a way that we are heard? NT people can't even tell me why they ignore me. My entire life no one takes me seriously unless I yell at them like I'm about to kill them. Even my pets are like this with me. I'll say something five times in five ways and they act like I'm just talking to myself, but if I get upset because no one listens, it's like it's my fault.
It is not your fault but it is a skill that can be learned. I am learning it myself.
With my ex. She would say I have to tell you this. So she would tell me the whole story. I would be thinking what's the point to this. And then I would say you could of said this and it would of been alot quicker but she thought I was being rude. And sometimes I would zone out etc
I agree!!!
I can’t believe you just said ‘refreshing’. That was the word I used when I first met my autistic partner 20 years ago, that it was ‘refreshing’ being around him.
It’s sucks learning you’re neurodivergent after 22 years on this planet. Never knew I was “masking” a lot of the time to hide my stimming. Never knew I TRULY saw the world as differently. But this brain, this brain of neurodivergence, is what makes me , ME.
same here. I didn't know for 33 years. it came as a big suprise, cause I never thought anything was different about me, i just assumed everyone was the same, but simply where better at me at certain things that I didn't grasp "how?".
but ofc there are beneficial sides to it. more empathy. being able to sense more powerfully, being able to pay attention to detail more are some of them.. ofc if one can channel those into something useful, it can be very good. sometimes I feel like a psychic who can feel everything in a room when I walk into it :D
same here...Im 57
"Alone time. It's a non-negotiable, DAILY coping strategy".
Yup.
I'm not sure if you have done a video on this yet. But I think its important for NT people to understand just how much we have to adjust and accommodate them. In order to function in this world without wanting to just fully exit from it... I had to go out of my way to learn how NT people behave, studying psychology and body language to just be able to interact a lot easier. I am WILDLY accepting of so much differences in people. If I find myself not liking a persons behavior I really think about if that is just my hang up or if what they are doing is like a boundary cross and inappropriate. I sit there and ask myself some questions. Like: is this hurting me? Is this making it harder for me to do my job? Is this an intentional action from them? And sometimes NT people are just weird sometimes and that is okay, just because I don't agree with it doesn't mean I need to punish it with social shame or whatever it is they do when they don't know how to accept differences/oddities in others. A good chunk of NT people are almost just incapable of accepting anyone outside the norm.
Too many times has an NT person told me that I have to change to better suit the situation when I wasn't even doing anything wrong, they just where uncomfortable and I was asking them for a small accommodation like please take me at face value I say what I mean. I need to think on this more because I know I've done a lot to alter my behavior to make others more comfortable at the expense of my comfort its about time they did the damn say, that is the making of a good society, we tolerate the differences that don't pose risk to: our health, safety, finances, mental health, housing, food and similar.
Hilarious. You guys don't realise how difficult you are to be around
@@KTKaute even more hilarious your lack of insight and accountability for your own feelings.
I really like how you articulated this. I have to be honest though, accommodating people at the expense of our own wants and needs to meet societal norms is something all people do on some level. You are not alone. But I think I get your point, it's easier for some than others and it's good to be open to differences and willingness to adjust for the betterment of all. I agree. If that's how you operate and it doesn't cause harm than so be it! Operate away! 😊
@@KTKaute Mike Tyson said it best, "Social media made y'all way to[o] comfortable with disrespecting people and not getting punched in the face for it."
I would adore 3 minutes with you in person.
Hello there my beautiful autistic friend! Loved what you wrote and wanted to leave you with two things.
1) Blending in to this world is something we all must do to some degree. Those like us, it's certainly more difficult. Don't feel bad about the process and nevermind the feedback you get. The only thing you need to do is concern yourself with the idea of being true to you are and never mask to the extent of loosing you. You are a beautiful wonderful person with amazing abilities and I promise the members of your tribe who haven't found you yet will soon enough. You'll have a life full of love.
2) Goblin Tools.... more specifically goblin.tools/Formalizer SUPER HELPFUL!!!!!
_______above is what I wrote and below is what goblin tools did with what I wrote______
Hey, my beautiful autistic friend! Loved your writing. Just two things for you:
1) Blending in is hard, especially for people like us. Don't worry about feedback, just focus on being true to yourself. You're amazing and will find your tribe.
2) Check out goblin.tools/Formalizer. It's super helpful!
Self Diagnosed 50 yr old who has struggled her entire life trying to figure out what was wrong with me! I am not depressed - I LIKE to be alone and NEED my alone time 🙃🙂 - Realizing I'm not alone PRICELESS! 🥰 THANK YOU so much for making these videos 😊 *Change - NO NO NO lol Routines 😊 *I wished I were not socially awkward but always have been. I'd sometimes think; "... If I could be a fly on the wall (invisible) and go to social events where no one bothers me I could do that and it would be great! It's the interaction I struggle with
Getting that dx for me was eye-opening, despite years of both working with autistic kids and study. i'm NOT subconsciously self-sabotaging, i'm not insane! i told the psychologist to not apologise for the dx, it's a good thing! i'd always felt since childhood i was an alien anthropologist studying humans; i'd spend hours looking for the seam of my disguise.
Well said. I relate to that
Don't self diagnose or diagnose others please
@@tims9434 have to agree - to a point. often it is self-dx or others commenting that leads us to attempt to get assessed. Easy enough for males. But females are often told 'you're just quirky', 'you must have borderline personality disorder/ADD/ADHD/??', ' you can't possibly be autistic because you're having a conversation with me' . . . and end up with an alphabet soup of dx just because a psychiatrist/psychologist won't believe that an adult female could be autistic.
@@elizabethhostetter1946Exactly! A diagnosis of BPD is common. And it's BULLSHIT.
I have heard it said - and my experience of my autistic partner seems to back this up - that the primary (displayed) emotion of an autistic is frustration. Frustration at their coworker’s incompetence, frustration at interruptions to their tasks, frustration at NT non-logical/over-emotional approach, frustration with themselves, and so on. It is difficult because it is rare that an offhand comment or question I make or ask doesn’t start to feel like contempt, which is a sure indication that a (neurotypical) relationship is in trouble.
For years the only emotions I could identify was anger and frustration. If someone gave me suggestions based on what I was telling them I could say yes/no. About 5 years after I did DBT I now get a sensation that I can identify as anxious/overwhelmed. That has been a gamechanger as before that it would seem like I was fine and then suddenly exploded (unless someone knows me really well it can still quite often look like that), at least now I have an internal warning sign that I am close to exploding that isn't a build up of anger.
Agree that especially if I am overdone I don't have much patience for the things.
@@amandamandamands Sounds very relatable. The moment I was able to experience the emotion 'confusion', a lot of my frustration turned into confusion.
Yeah . . . .feel that . . . Frustration IS also easy to trace cause the cause IS often very logical! Autists often have very high expectations, Like a very strong Sense of Justice, for right and wrong, Work ethics . . .people Not following the Same Moral Code with the Same dedication often rubs US the wrong way. Addi g to this, how often Things are Not established with US in mind, unclear instructions, sensory issues .. . .
I'd like to see a video comparing and contrasting autistic burnout with major depression, and what it looks like when you have both.
If you haven’t already, can you make a video about the HUGE and unique benefits of having an autistic partner?
I think that's why my relationship has worked, tbh. We met before either of us knew we were neurodiverse. Always had a deep connection and understanding of each other that we didn't quite understand ourselves.
Doesn't mean it doesn't come with challenges, though. But, as an autistic person, you won't find a relationship with more patience or understanding.
Although my partner and I are soulmates, she and I are vastly different. I appreciate being able to share this with her🙏🙏 I bet you’re helping people more than you think, thank you!🙌
I love you, thank you for sharing with me. 💕
I've been sending these videos to my son who is Autistic and married to an Autistic wife. They are having struggles in their second year of marriage. I've been trying to help him navigate from my own experience as both my husband and I are Autistic.
It sounds like you're all qualified. 🙂
@@bayoutown1990
I had to learn all of this hard way, over time for my autistic husband. Life is so much better knowing these 10 points.
Thank you Orian for all you do for the Autism community.
You should talk about how much going on trips sucks.
He did, several times. Family Holidays Chicago trip for the book. They are very interesting. And funny as they can be. His delivery is priceless!
Orion, I am in tears because I didn’t know how to “explain” my autistic “ways”..ESPECIALLY the alone time. She always thinks I’m avoiding her and I end up babbling nonsense and awkwardly walking to my room and sitting there worrying about her feelings. I torn between coming out of my room and hanging out with her then I’m like “NOOO I CANT! I NEED TO BE ALONE!! I’m going to show her this video. It will help so much. Thank you 🙏🏻 ❤
I Hurt my mother pretty badly cause she Just does Not understand, gets pushy and makes me even more reluctent then to interact with her cause she Takes everything Personal and i Just cant accomodate her when I am burned out
@@TeddyLovesAxl My husband and I talked about this and we give each other alone time now. He can do something he likes that overstimulates me (loud stuff, seeing friends, etc) and I can rest in the room. It is a life saver! Talk with your partner and make sure that it is alone time for BOTH of you. You to recover, relax, and unwind, them to do something they like, go out with a friend, or relax. It can even give them something to talk with you about later. Even NT's need time to unwind or be alone. You just need it more often.
@@SingingSealRianamy mom also takes everything personally so it has made me not want to express true thoughts/feelings with her regarding things like boundaries or how the “you’re always holed up in your room” comments sting because I NEED that time
Honesty is SO important to me! I had an ex lie to me about messing around with someone else. If they had come to me right after and admitted it, yeah I wouldn't have been happy but we could have talked it out and maybe worked something out. Instead they lied to me for months and only told the truth when they dumped me for the other person, and then when I _understandably_ got angry they were like "I knew you'd be upset!" WELL NO SH!T I AM.
Yeah that person was just an a$$hole. They would have pulled that regardless of who the person was and that situation it would be extremely rare to find someone who wouldn't be upset about it. Agree about honesty being important, don't say that you will/won't do something and not live up to that.
I wanted to say that I love my autistic partner. Been married to him for 12 years…… watching this video overwhelms me and makes me hopeless.
Can someone give me hope? What would my autistic partner offer the relationship to offset all the sacrifices I am expected to make?
I am wondering the same. Are they just one sided relationships, one giver and one taker so to speak?
@@mumoffour6860 I totally agree. I think this video is helpful but makes it sound like none of the problems are the fault of the autistic partner. All the changes need to be made by the nt partner.
In hs i was in love with a possibly autistic girl. It was absolutely aggravating. To love someone so much and have them just be like "Cool, thanks, get away from me" crushed my spirits. It especially didn't make sense because she would date guys, who had a very specific look. Years later i reconnected with her, and its still very hard to resist her charm. All she wants is to live in seclusion with a mountain of books. We're very close friends, though i haven't actually seen her since '08. Honestly, i think that if i truly love her the best thing i can do is give her what she wants: to be left tf alone.
On my end it never seemed fair, like i was a sucker. But i understand that shell never reciprocate my love because she just can't. And i have to accept that thats ok.
This isn't my main, but as someone on the spectrum, I just wanted to state that a lot of us enjoy pursuing knowledge, whether it be from books, media, videos, articles, what have you. Autistic women are a whole different ballgame because their brains are wired even more differently than an autistic man.
I can see this be very frustrating, but some of us do enjoy just sitting alone as we find it relaxing after a long day of forced social interaction. Her preferences appear to be very specific, and if someone doesn't check those boxes, she doesn't accept them.
As an autistic man, I encourage you to look elsewhere for romantic relations (and yes I know you stated this at the end of your comment), even though I know that is far easier said than done. If you like women on the spectrum, that's a wonderful thing, but we are very direct in our approach and our ways.
I hope you find the one.
“Your autistic anything”😆, “you’re no walk in the park either my nt friend “😆💯 great video Orion
On my saltier days, I'd happily wear a t-shirt that says "You're no walk in the park either, my neurotypical friend" 🤭 🫶🏻
not me thinking you already happened to have a T-shirt with the phrase he just said on it...😮💨
#2 is so, so important. Whatever passion holds them, they need it. A lot. It can be anything from model trains to video games to painting to birdwatching to reading the classics to collecting baseball cards to coding to jigsaw puzzles? But it is something that person in your life requires as an outlet, and nothing good can come from failing to respect that. You may as well slap them in the face as dismiss or mock that thing they take joy in more than anything else.
I am just realizing after 18 years of marriage that my husband is autistic. This was very helpful and eye opening, thank you!
39yo and just realising im surely autistic, explains alot my struggles over the years
Concise, highly informative, excellent Orion ⭐️ Thank you for this & all that you do for both the neurodivergent & neurotypical people on the planet we share ♥️
Thank you Orion, me and my husband just had a fight over the weekend, because he just can't stand to listen to my reasoning and what I need to say. He can't stand to give me the time and the attention I need to be heard. It doesn't help that he gaslights me, and manipulates the situation. And I will just start out one sentence and he will steamroll me and talk over me the whole time. So I'm going to send him this video to watch I hope he watches it. You explained it so well. You're simply awesome 😎👍🏻
After an interaction like this I will spend hours crafting a message to convey my thoughts & feelings, as I am a Dyslexic AuDHD.
Typically the messages I spent hours on are deleted in front of me. 🤔
There is a barrier there that I can't get past.
if your husband treats you this way, disrespects you and isnt even willing to listen to you, why are you together?
lik it sounds pretty shitty, dehumanizing and frustrating to be with someone who is supposed to love you but wont respect you enough to try.
you know you dont have to stay with someone thats not a good partner for you right?
These videos are hugely helpful for a parent of two autistic adult children who have been master maskers. It’s only now they are in their twenties that I am learning what makes them tick. There is so much guilt and sadness for mothers who never recognised or understood the particular needs of their much loved twice exceptional kids growing up. It’s a case of “ if only I’d known then what I know now”. The good side is having access to really helpful videos like these which open a window into the world of autism.
Thank You for your channel. I have an autistic grandson and I’m learning so much from you. I thought with time (he’s 14), he would develop more typical coping abilities. I understand now that it is not delayed neuro development but an alternate type of neuro system. It changes my expectations for both of us and has me thinking about finding new approaches to help him.
I like how you pointed out how the truth can be used flexibly by neurotypical people, with good intention. Your advice for people trying to properly interpret what might seem to them as excessive and hurtful honesty is great. BUT... that same discrepancy, when viewed from the other side can create another problem, or at least it does in my experience. As an autistic person gains awareness of the fact that other people can and do use lies as a form of social lubricant, it can become difficult to deal with the uncertainty about what someone is really trying to convey. Do you have any advice for an autistic person to help them navigate this challenge?
maybe 'cos i'm old enough to just give up on trying, or because i was dx near 50, i just take people as they say/present themselves. If later they say 'but id idn't mean that!' i just say then you should've said what you meant. i'd rather that than being lied to!
This will sound unusual as advice, but it really does help for understanding neurotypical minds. I would recommend learning of primate behavior and then human behavior ( all studies on people in general seem to not factor mind types and are average neurotypical based). If you remember neurotypicals have disabilities they are unaware of ... Lack of time sense, deep focus, memory storage by reimagined story based on feelings... hyper hierarchical social dominance system and less bandwidth for introspection/empathy.... you understand they are playing a social hierarchy game all the time with the idea " more for me" always first. They sort of contract out their disability areas to other people all the time by obligation and gift giving to have another they consider useful owe them something needed. Looking cool to gain social standing, forming groups and excluding people, telling lies and using small talk to become familiar and gain allies or test for ability to provide something is all part of the weird unspoken rule game. It's implied and unspoken because its hierarchy games in a group where openly showing intent for self to climb social ladder makes the person a threat and be shown to be manipulating to win for themselves. All of this is why they don't even understand how they hurt people. They play to move up in hierarchy ...they play to "win" ...it has to do with how they construct the world in their head...they have to think in "goals" and move towards the goal ..it is because they are mind blind to anything not part of what they want to see. In that sort of game...no one ever is genuine or truthful.
@@Diverse_Interests i've a BS in Cognitive Science, and volunteered as RA in the Comparative Cognition Lab at UCSD for a couple quarters. i've ALWAYS seen the similarities in basic primate behaviours and human ones, even as a kid - though people didn't seem to like me making the connection or observation! Shoot, i can recognise similar behaviours in my dogs.
Autistic person here: I cant use lies as a lubriant, what I do use is placing empathatis on the common factor/common relationship.
It isnt important to be right, it is important to be(come) happy together.
And this means that you must sometimes let go of being right. Is someone hurt by the way you use certain words? In my case, the word 'again' as in 'you made this mistake "again"', is incredible hurtful. Pointing it out does not serve the relationship, it does not help me motivate me to do something about the reason that I made the mistake. It is a word that makes me feel ashamed. A phrase like "It seems that you are stuck in a pattern. Can you relate to that?" is something that keeps the line of communication open.
Be respectful to what impact your honesty may have on others. You dont have to lie, you can wrap it up in nicer language/phrase it differently so that it is easier for someone to engage with what you try to convey.
If graphs could have saved the world, they would have done so by now. And in similar words, if logic alone could change behavior, people wouldnt remain stuck in patterns.
Special interests. Yes! My Neurotypical family don't like how I obsess so much over them haha! They're always like 'Why do you buy expensive concert tickets and merch'(believe it or not, this came from my brother-in-law who is a musician btw). When I go on and on about my musicians at home, my Mum tells me agressively that I'm obsessing. My family are a bit ignorant on the 'research' part and it annoys me 😅
I've been saying that I deserve an Oscar. Gonna put that on my tombstone!
13:06 Idk why i was never able to express this appropriately to my ex. I loved her family, some of her friends but the level of gatherings and hangouts, for her I'm sure felt normal, but was just hit after hit. I'd reach a level of just not being able to speak to anyone and seeming so rude. thanks so much for your work.
..so grateful to learn and understand about this! I was never told by my partner then and everything was so hard and confusing. And now it goes click…Your work is so precious 🙏, thanks !!
OMG Orion! I needed to hear this. I made the mistake of asking my neurodivergent husband whether I could still wear sleeveless tops - I was so upset by his 'honesty'. He also said how old I have started to look. He has never had a diagnosis, but I am getting it! My neurotypical friends just thought he was being cruel. But he's all the things you describe, thank you ❤
Special interests are what make autistic children into perfect homeschoolers: all a homeschooling parent has to do is get to know their child and then ask them what they are interested in. When the child is very young, this could be in the form of suggestions or looking through a picture book or going to visit places - toy shops, museums, libraries, police stations, fire stations, dentists, doctors, etc. The child will very rapidly find something they absolutely have to know everything about it. A trip to Waterloo triggered a fascination for Napoleon in a 7yo who learned all about the wars, 19th century history, politics, European geography, etc to the point where a visitor who happened to mention Waterloo was rewarded with what they called the best explanation of Napoleon and Waterloo, ever. Another interest by another child was anything to do with numbers and so by 7yo was teaching the parent algebra. Between the ages of 5 and 20, interests pursued independently (except for parent involvement in providing resources and conversation) covered mathematics, history, politics, literature, music, humour, linguistics, philosophy, Ancient Egypt, Ancient Greece, Warhammer, Pharaoh, sociology, theatre, Dungeons and Dragons, geography (we traveled quite a bit), geology, ballet, karate, english, french, flemish, latin, greek and a short dabble in japanese. They completed a foundation course with the Open University (between 13 and 16) in Climate, science, social science and poetry.
So, yeah, special interests are monumentally important and the homeschooled autistic children I know were the best educated teenagers I have ever met, including the one whose special interests were 'only' music, reading, drawing and role playing, because he learned all the other subjects by talking with his siblings and listening to their conversations. When these kids were involved in their special interest, we were all keenly aware of what that interest was and we all got fully educated on that special interest. It is insane to send such children to school because it prevents them from getting fully involved in their special interests and getting the best education they could get while also being allowed to be themselves.
I don't know that it's insane, but you make a really good point about the special interests. Not all parents can home-school. I didn't home school my kids because they wanted to go to school. They cooperated better with the teachers, than they did with me. They liked the independence from parents, and the interaction with the other kids. It was THEIR thing.
Not all parents are cut out for homeschooling.
@@Catlily5 Are they not? Are all people cut out to be parents? All homeschooling is, particularly for autistic children, is making sure they have the necessary materials and someone to talk with about their interests, and be a parent, obviously. Many people think homeschooling is a parent being a teacher like a school teacher, as in a person with specific knowledge and trained to teach. And some homeschooling parents homeschool that way. I have had kids in school and I have homeschooled kids. The schooling was far more stressful, frustrating and cause of much friction than the homeschooling ever was, and the homeschooled kids acquired a much, much better education and had a much happier childhood. A lot about homeschooling is so misunderstood.
I am not a parent. I am thinking how terrible it would have been for me if my parents homeschooled me. My dad wanted my mom to homeschool me. Luckily my mom realized that she couldn't do it. I am autistic. I was bullied some in school. Especially in junior high school. However, my parents were abusive. Being homeschooled would have been worse. Even for some autistic kids regular school is better.
I am not saying that all homeschool is bad especially if you have activities where your kids meet up with other kids. But some parents can't handle it or use it to cover up abuse. I am pretty sure that is why my dad was interested in homeschooling. There was less chance of us reporting abuse to the authorities.
So homeschooling sounds great in some cases but not all cases. It sounds like you did a great job with your children!
@@Catlily5 I'm sorry to read about your childhood. It is true that not all people are cut out to be parents and it is always the children who suffer. When the choice is abuse at home or 'some bullying' at school, I expect the abuse is worse simply because it comes from the people who should be protecting and loving you. I realise that not all parents can homeschool but that fits into the category that not all people should have children. During the pandemic lockdown(s) it seemed that half the parents complained about 'what to do with the kids' and half realised how great it was to really spend time with their kids. I hope you are doing well in spite of your beginnings.
This really helped me with self-compassion. Thank you.
As an autistic guy, who has an autistic girlfriend, it hasnt exactly been a piece of cake either. With NT's, at least i usually know what to expect from experience, with her, its all different. We dont really have the same triggers. I can handle crowds just fine, but i have a sensitivity to light. She can walk around in a brightly lit store and be fine but when it starts getting busy, thats when shes antsy. We both need our alone time, and we end up spending too much time alone sometimes. We usually remedy this by planning a day for us and it works out just fine.
I think this video is helpful not just for NT's, but ND's as well. We're all different, and we all need certain things to keep us happy.
I really appreciate you Orion. I watch these videos as much as I can to understand my partner even more. Thank you so much, and please thank your wife too, you guys give a lot of great help.
The subject of how to help your employer understand their autistic employee and support them would bea good topic. Apologies if you have covered this already.
Yep, I've got a few workplace videos for you to check out.
Thank you.
Always had a job working on my own which was so comfortable, now just moved into a more managerial role and my social awkwardness makesnit so difficult just to delegate work and confrontation is so hard, i hope in time it gets easier as im well out of my comfort zone 😬
You made me feel not weird and happy with what I am. Thank you.
Thank you so much! I raised 2 autistic sons, oldest not dx. This video could have saved us from so much pain and misunderstanding! I did learn most of these things from my youngest but hearing from you confirms that I wasnt 'spoiling' my child as many accused. One topic I would add, there is no communication when in lizard brain (stress). thx!!
I can adjust to socializing, if in the mood or prepared in advance but there is an expiration.
My bff is used to talking a lot and I just listen but then I tell her one time, now I just don't want to talk, just do my relaxation in space, let's just be quiet while I detoxify or destress. At first she was offended, but then she realized later I need it.
I would love for your wife to have one video talk about how she adjusts to you. Like I really admire her for loving you and understanding you. Like how do you talk about these things?
This actually helped me to understand a few things about myself when it comes to relationships too, Orion, Thank you.
I have recently moved back to the area where I grew up, after years of caring for elderly parents who passed away. I have a lot of old friends here, going back to when I was pretty good at masking. I have lost those skills and I have been avoiding them because I'm embarrassed. I'm not sure how to handle it. But it helps to know I'm not alone
This is your best video yet, Orion. Likely one of the most useful autism videos anywhere.
This is one of your best videos I've seen I think. It's definitely applicable much more widely than just romantic partners. I wish more people that were around me understood some of these things. This is all so better stated and more articulate than I think I could ever do in person. And sometimes messages like these land better when heard from a third party
I am very new to all of this and feeling completely overwhelmed as a newly self-diagnosed adult (and yes, I am in the process of starting down the road of medical diagnosis and help), and your #10 point is SO TRUE and honestly made me cry because "I don't even know who I am" are the words I didn't know to put to how I feel anymore. The past few years have seen me hit multiple breakdowns and burnout so badly that I wound up unemployed for a while because I just couldn't cope anymore. I'm terrified that my wife is fed up with me and secretly wants to divorce me (or that I am so messed up that she'll want to down the road even if she doesn't right now).
I don't have a point really, I just have no one I feel safe talking with about any of this who can help me figure out how to learn how to navigate my life in a way that's healthy for both me and my family. I appreciate your videos more than I can put into words. Thank you (and Mom on the Spectrum too, I've been watching many of her videos recently as well).
This is great. I love your content on neurodiverse couples/partnerships. I want more! :)
You’ve helped me so much sir. I was ALWAYS different to everyone in school (minus the friends I have).
Always wanted alone time after , always had special interests (right now working on a personal project of an informative map of Los Angeles to post so people may use )
Social interactions daily at my job really helped me with the subconscious triggering of sweating talking to new people.
This channel has really helped me with my journey learning of my neurodivergency. Haven’t yet gone to diagnose out of subconscious fear.
I was scared to try for a diagnosis as well.
Someday I’d love to see the hyper specific video of “what to do when you and your ‘gifted’ partner both discover they’re Autistic in their mid 40s.”
But that just may be a little TOO specific lol
Can you and your partner make such a video?
10. The masking is exactly me. I am constantly tired. Have depression anxiety. Dont know who i am or supposed to be. Feel like got no engery. And been like this for years
I just started dating someone who is on the autism spectrum (he told me, in passing) and I can definitely recognise these traits in varying degrees. What’s funny is that it’s actually made me more aware of myself and my quirks- I don’t think I’m autistic but I am highly sensitive, require a lot of alone time, prefer brutal honesty, and don’t we all mask to some degree …! Anyway, really appreciate the insight as it just makes everything so much easier to understand and give space for our romance to blossom in a relaxed way ❤
How right this is! I do wish I'd understood this much earlier...
I have everything you described in this video, I self diagnosed myself just listening to other people’s experiences. What I can add is that I constantly feel like people surrounding me are stupid and I can’t understand why. For me they don’t even have a common sense when doing different things where for me every solution is so obvious.
In addition, 2 things....1) It does not take social interaction to exhaust an autistic person. A high level of concentration on a task can do the same thing. Also, parenting is over the top. I am a mother and an entrepreneur, which works for me having my own business but is also exhausting because I have to put in many hours of high level of concentration (like right now). 2) Add into the mix that on top of being Autistic, also being an empath. I know this sounds impossible, but I am both as are many folks I know (mostly but not limited to women). To go into a social environment where we have to mingle, it feels like walking through tar to have to navigate all the negative emotions people emit without realizing it. It's not just the negative. It's almost like you are highly charged magnet and the "stuff" people "discharge" grabs onto you. . You pick up on hate, envy, pride, etc. With the Autistic brain on overload just from the stimulation and all of that, and then viewing everything in black and white, it is the most exhausting and irritating thing in the world. It truly feels like walking through tar to me. I can not stand public gatherings of more than 3 or 5 people. It literally makes me so agitated that I have to leave. I get angry for many reasons, including that I can't do what comes normally to neuro typical people. They enjoy this, and I hate it. It seriously feels like cruel punishment to me, so I avoid those situations as much as possible. Unfortunately, because I can't do these events, I have lost friendships. A friend of mine wanted me to spend whole days traveling to another city near us visiting a museum, shopping, and having lunch. I had to say no every time. She wasn't willing to have a friendship I could handle. She wanted a side kick and I am not that kind of gal. I can't do full days like that with someone I'm going to have to be socially up with all day besides having no down time to recharge. Now, she doesn't even reasons to my texts. I think she thought I was rejecting her. I wasn't. It's very sad to me.
Amazing, very informative content 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻
Love this video so much, great work Orion, you’ve put a lot of thought and effort into this topic. I found it very clear and concise and lots of helpful tips. Thank you 🙂
Thank you for this content Orien ‼️. I am going to ask my spouse to watch it. Then rewatch it. Maybe take notes🤓
These key points can help avoid many sad confusing interactions between us. Or lessen the impact when they happen. Fewer perhaps. 🥴. ThankYou again
Thanks Orion! I've watched a few of your videos since I'm one year into a serious relationship with an autistic partner. All of these points ring very true. This is so helpful and will help deepen my understanding of my partner. You are doing very helpful work and I really appreciate it!
11:30 Socialising - OMG I can relate here. I'm not on the spectrum (well... possibly a little) but for other reasons social anxiety is a thing and meeting new people, especially in larger groups, is hard.
But feeling guilty about that, and especially if someone compounds that by even hinting that someone might be offended if one doesn't attend.... that one really stings, and ends up just having a negative effect on one's ability to face such situations the next time.
This is some of your best content right here. Thank you Mr. Kelly 🤜🤛
I have a need for knowledge, so I spend a lot of time on research. Whether or not I ever use the information, doesn't matter.
It REALLY sucks my alone time can turn to days. Really destroys the relationships I have :/
Uummmmmm usually your videos make total sense.... this time it got me thinking about how some have no special interest and some have learnt the white lies bit. It doesn't make sense and my first thought is always truth but I've learnt not to always say it I can 99% of the time figure out when it's not called for. 🤷🏽♀️ just like everything else things vary
Edit: OK that masking and identity thing was eyeopening! Thanks
Thank you for the video! These are great tips for those who are oblivious to what autism can mean. I wanted to suggest maybe a video about navigating travel/vacation? It can be so hard.. and it's supposed to be fun! Sometimes I wonder if I know how to have fun 😅
Hahaha…. Love that! “Your no walk
“Walk in the park our Neurotypical partner “
Orion, I am a 42 (almost 43) year old woman. I was diagnosed ADHD and “unofficially” diagnosed Autistic as well. I said “unofficially” because my psychiatrist has confirmed ASD but due to jurisdictional limitations, he is unable to give me the official “paperwork” as it were. In order for that to happen I would have to see a neuropsychologist and that will cost almost $3000CAD. Because I don’t have the “official” piece of paper I often feel like an imposter. I feel as though people will think I’m lying. Some people in my life actually HAVE dismissed it due to the fact that I don’t have that official “proof”. It doesn’t matter that my psychiatrist has said it and that I’ve since had two other psychologists agree (we had been discussing other matters and the topic came up. I’m the end they agreed with my psychiatrist.) How do can we cope with imposter syndrome as it relates to a late ASD diagnosis and how can we make those who would not believe, to see the truth? Or is this my sense of justice just clouding my vision and is there in fact no way to persuade them? TIA
Wow. So much good advice in so few minutes. Powerful. Thank you.
One of the thee best videos I have viewed so far in my neurodiverse journey. Orion you ARE doing awesome and all the crap you had to go through with the government meeting stuff, thanks for talking about it and saying exactly the truth of it all. The US of A is doing the same stuff, really. And I can't even tolerate using any more government agencies, except the ones that we use for my veteran husband's health, and that is hard to tolerate, but its best for our situation for now.
Incredibly helpful video.
I have an autistic 62 year old husband. Now I can accept and understand better his responses.
Honesty might not nice, but it is kind!!!
am here to learn about myself thank you :) 0:50 and some night's sleeps cuz my dumb head cant process emotions without starting a war within. 7:00 it s the opposite with me, I am hyper emotional and emotionally expressive, to the point where I overwhelm people if i allow myself be true to who I am. lol. by processing emotions I meant dealing with loadout after I experience emotions that stress me. my entire body goes to war.
6:18 YES. I v dealt with this all my life. I ask them openly to be honest and they STILL lie to "not hurt me". BRUUUH.... ppl just care about defending and shielding THEMSELVES. it s never about me. As an autistic person living and working with Autistic people I can tell that to us IT S ABOUT THE OTHER PERSON. we r simply better as people in many areas imho. even if our social prowess is limited ( but only because the world we live in is more geared towards people with different needs ).
I have 2 autistic sons as well as my partner. Is verbal abuse part of autism, he spends 12 hours in his garage a day working surrounded by people, rarely spends time with his teenage sons. He buys them anything but time and it's causing big arguments. So hard to handle
Omg.. Putting this into words is brilliant!... Especially the emotion part. N the honesty lie part.. Wow.. Thx😅
Second one about special interests/passions is so valuable, thank You
I hope one day to have that friend and lover, or anyone who cares for me, to show this video to 😿
Excellent video bro thank you for the content you make 😊
That point in time where my special interest involves going to expensive theme parks that has thousands of strangers and sensory triggers just to ride it. The special interest of rollercoasters is no easy interest to have especially if you go with someone who's terrified of them. They make me feel the complete opposite of what meltdowns make me feel. SENSORY HEAVEN BUT SO EXPENSIVE AND FAR OFF😭😭 so my question is...how is my partner supposed to engage in my passion if he terrified of them😅
He could drive you there, buy you tickets, and watch, same as if your passion was race car driving or sky diving.
@marthamurphy3913 I and tried that. After a couple rides by myself I couldn't stand waiting in the queue lines and riding all myself for so long. I'm incredibly socially anxious when not around him or other close friend
Very hard life with my husband,,cannot get better,,no hope,,I really regret everything 😢
Also I feel like a good video idea could be the communication and interactions between autistic people and other types of neurodiverse people
So grateful for all you share in your videos.
When I introduced my friend who was figuring out they were autistic to another friend who has diagnosed AuDHD, instead of just throwing them at each other, I gave them each others names, pronouns, specific big triggers for each person, like three common interests, and just a little flavor text blurb so they could get the feeling before being directly introduced. Then introduced them in a chill environment with a common activity we were all interested in, online video game. I stated that it wasn't like, a big thing to have to stay and commit and either can leave/drop out of chat whenever, but pushed to make it as low expectation as possible.
The figuring out friend said it changed their entire standards for how they met new people, and appreciated it again when I introduced them to more of my regular friend group. They all get along really well even when I'm not around, and I think taking out that initial bump of just trying to make small talk to some random person really helped.
Terrific videos, I teared up a bit when I realized I was a friend's safe person, catalyzing their autistic self discovery journey.
Thank you Orion for another brilliant video. So much easier to get a neurotypical loved one to watch your videos than to try to explain me to them!!
Best on the net. Thanks for showing up!
the first one.
I'm an extravert. I love being around people. I love to interact sometimes. But I have to actively process often. 2 1/2 hrs is the longest I've gone before shutting down. Usually it's around 40 min to 1 1/2 hr. And then, if shutting down, I can put some music on and up and sit by myself for a bit to process and recharge. If melting down, then there's probably a physical need I haven't addressed.
This is in my Top 5 Orion videos and my Top 5 of all ASD videos!! You're so thorough and clear in your explanations. Thank you sooo much, Orion, for helping those of us who love someone with ASD to understand them better. You have made such a difference!
I was thinking I might be a bit autistic. Hahaha. After watching this I realize I’m totally autistic. I’m ok with white lies and change but the rest are super challenging. I need to show this to my husband.
Sensory - or both hypo- & hyper- sensitivities. i love rough towels, but hate pretty much anything but plant-fibre clothing. i'm really really good at filtering out some sounds, but others will drive me batty and i can't filter them. And it all depends on the day. Very spiky spectrum, this!
Autistic brain - we also often don't realise what cues we send out!
This is really helpful information. Thank you! This helps clarify and put in a different perspective on some things I already had some understanding of.
Youare amazing. You help me so much. Thank you for your videos. ❤❤❤Keep it up. We all love it !!!
This may be the most important video you’ve ever made (for me). I can’t thank you enough. It’s very powerful that a man living in Australia can help a woman living in Mexico so much. I admire your ability to be so vulnerable about everything. I’m sure it causes you significant discomfort but it really does help so many others.
Thanks for sharing this. Very helpful!
Bloody good job 😁👍
Very simple and to the point. It was very understandable for my neurotypical husband. Thanks!