My avoidant ex hit me with the "you should have known", when he deactivated. He expected me to be a mind reader. He was harboring resentment from a perceived slight months ago. He had a habit of wanting to be righteous about things he was wrong about, but i just let it go. It really bothered him when i told him he was wrong. So....he left and blamed me. He was wrong about very little things, like he would argue about what side the freeway entrance was on, or how much minimum wage was in our state. That was 5 months...not a word from him since. Hope he finds that perfect person that doesn't care about directions, i guess.
Some of the comments are quite disappointing. Its not either sides fault that they are how they are nor is it a death sentence. This channel is for both kinds of people that want to love each other. If you're frustrated in your relationship to the point where there's never any compromise release yourself from it but don't let it darken your heart.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment. You've touched on something really important: the idea that attachment styles are not a "fault" nor are they immutable. This channel aims to be a safe space for everyone to learn how to navigate their relationships more effectively, no matter their attachment style. Your point about not letting relationship frustrations darken your heart is crucial. It's all too easy to become jaded or resentful when things don't go as hoped. But recognizing when to step back for your own well-being can be an act of self-love as well as an act of respect for your partner. 🌟
Potential Trigger Statement # 9 - How would an Anxious properly express to an Avoidant that the Avoidant seems to have become distant? (ie Avoidant is texting less, less available to hangout, and not showing as much affection). An Anxious I know received a backlash of criticism for saying such
Thanks for addressing this, these statements might help in the short term, in the long run both of them together is a recipe for disaster I feel, how long can one be with someone who makes you feel less important and you always have to chase them for basic things. It's not a happy place to be in. Both are incompatible, why should anyone compromise on their needs for someone as selfie as dismissive avoidant.
I feel that the avoidant always sets rules about the time they want to spend together. When I am not available those times he is very disappointed but doesn't offer other times or respond to my suggestions . He just wants to spend every weekend together. He is retired and has no hobbies so he is available during the week but there seems to be a need to remain in control. If we spend more than a few days together he is very antsy.. like a caged animal. Still if i am busy on a weekend he still calls me and says he misses me . It feels like he is confused about what he wants.
I am anxious and my partner avoidant. I don’t ask the questions which you tell us not to ask. That’s because I feel like I’m being needy when I ask them. But I do THINK them to myself. I appreciate the suggestions for ways in which I might be able to bring these difficult subjects up.
Thanks for your thoughtful comment. It's a common experience to feel like you're being 'needy' when you have questions about your relationship, especially when you're anxious and your partner is avoidant. The fact that you're recognizing your own thought patterns is already a big step in navigating your emotional landscape. While it's good to be considerate of your partner's comfort zone, your feelings and questions are valid, too. The challenge lies in finding a way to communicate that respects both your emotional needs and those of your partner. Since you find the suggested approaches helpful, maybe you could use them as a starting point to slowly introduce these difficult topics into conversation. The key is to aim for a balanced dialogue where both parties feel heard and understood. Take care and wishing you the best in your relationship journey!
Hi from South Australia. My avoidant partner and I watched one of your older videos on this topic together last night. Thank you for articulating these concepts and offering ways to replace defensive strategies with more open and collaborative statements to strengthen our connection. I have enjoyed your videos for a long time but he also got something out of it and was not put off by your approach so thank you 😉
Very well said. I wish I could have known this earlier in my marriage, but definitely I can relate in some comments as the anxious and my spouse tends toward to be the avoidant one. I still find myself getting angry as I watched this video, but that just proves I have more internal work to do. I will see what happens as I practice finding better way’s to communicate my needs and releasing him to be who he is.
I have recently learned my lesson I will never ever date an avoidant person again it’s not an attractive quality at all, it just left me feeling horrible after it was all said and done. I’m a good kind hearted soul I deserve someone that adds to my happiness instead of hurting my feelings over and over again.
I'm really sorry to hear that you've been through a tough experience, but it's encouraging to see you affirming your own worth and what you deserve in a relationship. Learning about attachment styles can be eye-opening and help us make better choices moving forward. You're absolutely right-you deserve someone who enhances your happiness rather than diminishing it. Taking this lesson to heart will serve you well in future relationships. Thank you for sharing your experience, and I wish you all the happiness you deserve in your journey ahead. 💖
Thanks, this is a really well articulated video! I particularly liked the final thoughts about having compassion but setting a boundary and also, that we can’t heal them - they have to do that
This was helpful. Thank you. My spouse, a fearful avoidant, and I, the anxious attachment one, are working on these things. We are both guilty of using these triggers. We’re slowly getting better at communicating though.
I needed this a few months ago but the truth is, even with this, I don't think my ex as emotionally aware as she made herself out to be, I don't think she had the emotional maturity, patience, self awareness etc to help us work this out especially as she's a narcissist. I just wish I knew about the avoidant attachment style before meeting her. I will never date another avoidant person. She nearly broke me. It's extremely cold hearted to cut someone off suddenly and completely after you've just said you want a life with them, when you know the person is isolated, recovering from major surgery etc. It's heartless. I will never again get attached to someone with no heart. I missed a long list of red flags and every one comes from being avoidant. If you're avoidant, please don't date anyone. Have therapy and sort yourself out. You'll only hurt anyone you get romantically involved with, it's so unkind and so unnecessary.
I'm really sorry to hear about your difficult experience. It's a hard pill to swallow, realizing someone wasn't as emotionally mature or aware as you thought they were, especially when it ends in a way that feels so cold and abrupt. Your feelings are completely valid; you deserved compassion and consideration, especially when you were in such a vulnerable state. Being aware of attachment styles can indeed be a game-changer, and it sounds like you've gained some valuable insights. It's okay to set boundaries for yourself and decide not to get involved with certain types of people moving forward. However, it's crucial to remember that not every avoidant individual will act heartlessly; many are capable of growth with the right self-awareness and therapy. You're right, anyone with unresolved issues should focus on self-improvement before getting into a relationship. But the same goes for all of us, to some degree. I hope your next relationship brings you the emotional safety and security you deserve. Take care. 💖
It's amazing how challenging it is to learn how to communicate. As the Anxious partner to the Avoidant partner. After 10 years, and continued threatening from the Avoidant of divorce I gave him divorce paperwork. After I did he told me he doesn't love me and that I am his enemy. I don't want to divorce him. I just don't know what else to do. And I don't want to be threatened anymore.
@@herbsonthetable8251 I had forgotten I wrote this. I haven't seen my ex-husband for over a year now. We got divorced. I separated my life from him. Put of firm boundaries and moved across the country to protect myself and my son's. How do I feel? I have been trying to heal all my wounds. Trying to figure out who this woman is without the codependent nature of my marriage. I feel like I was rolled by a tidal wave.
I think relationships are a dance. One person leans in the other steps back and it goes back and forth until there is a trust there. When one or both people have security issues it makes this dance impossible. And someone who is healthy will probably find either avoidant or anxious styles draining and leave after a while. Even relationships between two secure people require work.
My avoidant boyfriend is marvelous in person. We have a long distance relationship. When he is not with me, he sometimes doesn't return texts. He sometimes won't talk on phone, but texting is more the problem. I fully believes he is not cheating. I'm beginning to see how he probably is concerned with control and freedom, aka loosing himself in the relationship, which shows up as. committment. These are frustrating characteristics and although I feel my power, it is effecting my self esteem and confidence in this relationshio. Any suggestions?
Thank you truly. I'm only 16 but me and my (ex) partner just broke up for this reason. I'm willing to learn anything to do better for me and him. I've been trying to learn what I do and said that hurt him the most and learning how to stop saying and doing those things. I want to communicate and mend what was broken within us both. I love him and I want to do what I can to do better for us. I hope after practicing patience and confidence with conflict and crucial conversations that he'll want to try again. I know I can do this. I just want to know that there's a chance to try again. A chance to show him how much of a better person and communicator I can be. I just hope that he can change him mind. I don't like making him feel like he should walk on eggshells to talk to me. He deserved better than that and I let outside things hurt me on the inside of my relationship. He told me he doesn't want to be with me EVER again. I understand that and I know I have a lot of trust to earn back. I don't want to force him to love me or be with me. I just want to show him that I can love him better and do better with him. I miss him so much. It's only been a week plus a day. I understand how he's feeling. Two years is a long time for teens. I want to show him that I improved and still want to do better by him. I don't want him to stop caring about me. I don't want to lose the person who I've been loving for 3 years. I really want to show him how much better I can be. I'm just afraid it's too late for us. I don't think I could live knowing I didn't try my hardest because I was scared of arguing so I left and avoided it.
![[1 of 4] - How To Decide Whose Needs Take Priority, In Love: 3 Must-Know Factors](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/A4OyHspUlmI/mqdefault.jpg)
![[1 of 4] - How To Decide Whose Needs Take Priority, In Love: 3 Must-Know Factors](/img/tr.png)
Did any of these trigger statements surprise you? Did you resonate with any of them? I'd love to hear your feedback below!
My avoidant ex hit me with the "you should have known", when he deactivated. He expected me to be a mind reader. He was harboring resentment from a perceived slight months ago.
He had a habit of wanting to be righteous about things he was wrong about, but i just let it go. It really bothered him when i told him he was wrong. So....he left and blamed me.
He was wrong about very little things, like he would argue about what side the freeway entrance was on, or how much minimum wage was in our state. That was 5 months...not a word from him since. Hope he finds that perfect person that doesn't care about directions, i guess.
Some of the comments are quite disappointing. Its not either sides fault that they are how they are nor is it a death sentence. This channel is for both kinds of people that want to love each other. If you're frustrated in your relationship to the point where there's never any compromise release yourself from it but don't let it darken your heart.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment. You've touched on something really important: the idea that attachment styles are not a "fault" nor are they immutable. This channel aims to be a safe space for everyone to learn how to navigate their relationships more effectively, no matter their attachment style. Your point about not letting relationship frustrations darken your heart is crucial. It's all too easy to become jaded or resentful when things don't go as hoped. But recognizing when to step back for your own well-being can be an act of self-love as well as an act of respect for your partner. 🌟
Potential Trigger Statement # 9 - How would an Anxious properly express to an Avoidant that the Avoidant seems to have become distant? (ie Avoidant is texting less, less available to hangout, and not showing as much affection). An Anxious I know received a backlash of criticism for saying such
This video makes me feel happy. I am anxious attached and it makes great sense n offers viable solutions.
Thanks for addressing this, these statements might help in the short term, in the long run both of them together is a recipe for disaster I feel, how long can one be with someone who makes you feel less important and you always have to chase them for basic things. It's not a happy place to be in. Both are incompatible, why should anyone compromise on their needs for someone as selfie as dismissive avoidant.
The irony is that anxious is actually the most selfish
I feel that the avoidant always sets rules about the time they want to spend together. When I am not available those times he is very disappointed but doesn't offer other times or respond to my suggestions . He just wants to spend every weekend together. He is retired and has no hobbies so he is available during the week but there seems
to be a need to remain in control. If we spend more than a few days together he is very antsy.. like a caged animal. Still if i am busy on a weekend he still calls me and says he misses me . It feels like he is confused about what he wants.
I am anxious and my partner avoidant. I don’t ask the questions which you tell us not to ask. That’s because I feel like I’m being needy when I ask them. But I do THINK them to myself. I appreciate the suggestions for ways in which I might be able to bring these difficult subjects up.
Thanks for your thoughtful comment. It's a common experience to feel like you're being 'needy' when you have questions about your relationship, especially when you're anxious and your partner is avoidant. The fact that you're recognizing your own thought patterns is already a big step in navigating your emotional landscape.
While it's good to be considerate of your partner's comfort zone, your feelings and questions are valid, too. The challenge lies in finding a way to communicate that respects both your emotional needs and those of your partner. Since you find the suggested approaches helpful, maybe you could use them as a starting point to slowly introduce these difficult topics into conversation. The key is to aim for a balanced dialogue where both parties feel heard and understood.
Take care and wishing you the best in your relationship journey!
Hi from South Australia. My avoidant partner and I watched one of your older videos on this topic together last night. Thank you for articulating these concepts and offering ways to replace defensive strategies with more open and collaborative statements to strengthen our connection. I have enjoyed your videos for a long time but he also got something out of it and was not put off by your approach so thank you 😉
Very well said. I wish I could have known this earlier in my marriage, but definitely I can relate in some comments as the anxious and my spouse tends toward to be the avoidant one. I still find myself getting angry as I watched this video, but that just proves I have more internal work to do. I will see what happens as I practice finding better way’s to communicate my needs and releasing him to be who he is.
I have recently learned my lesson I will never ever date an avoidant person again it’s not an attractive quality at all, it just left me feeling horrible after it was all said and done. I’m a good kind hearted soul I deserve someone that adds to my happiness instead of hurting my feelings over and over again.
I'm really sorry to hear that you've been through a tough experience, but it's encouraging to see you affirming your own worth and what you deserve in a relationship. Learning about attachment styles can be eye-opening and help us make better choices moving forward. You're absolutely right-you deserve someone who enhances your happiness rather than diminishing it. Taking this lesson to heart will serve you well in future relationships. Thank you for sharing your experience, and I wish you all the happiness you deserve in your journey ahead. 💖
Thanks, this is a really well articulated video! I particularly liked the final thoughts about having compassion but setting a boundary and also, that we can’t heal them - they have to do that
This was helpful. Thank you. My spouse, a fearful avoidant, and I, the anxious attachment one, are working on these things. We are both guilty of using these triggers. We’re slowly getting better at communicating though.
Thankyou Brianna U have really helped me in my complex relationship journey.ur input has been invaluable🙏🌿💖
You are my angel!
I’m such an attached anxious partner and is avoidant
I already feel better
stephanie schubert Thank you for commenting. I’m glad the content has been helpful!
Pertaining to the last question: Nothing, I'm doomed!
Great video! 👍
Thank you Briana for you videos I found helpful. I will try my 1st date after 6 years on working on my self. Have a great day Briana 👍. You rock!🌞😸
Great video - even if you’ve watched this before , it has great reminders
Thank you for posting links to the videos you talk about, so helpful!
I needed this a few months ago but the truth is, even with this, I don't think my ex as emotionally aware as she made herself out to be, I don't think she had the emotional maturity, patience, self awareness etc to help us work this out especially as she's a narcissist. I just wish I knew about the avoidant attachment style before meeting her. I will never date another avoidant person. She nearly broke me. It's extremely cold hearted to cut someone off suddenly and completely after you've just said you want a life with them, when you know the person is isolated, recovering from major surgery etc. It's heartless. I will never again get attached to someone with no heart. I missed a long list of red flags and every one comes from being avoidant. If you're avoidant, please don't date anyone. Have therapy and sort yourself out. You'll only hurt anyone you get romantically involved with, it's so unkind and so unnecessary.
I'm really sorry to hear about your difficult experience. It's a hard pill to swallow, realizing someone wasn't as emotionally mature or aware as you thought they were, especially when it ends in a way that feels so cold and abrupt. Your feelings are completely valid; you deserved compassion and consideration, especially when you were in such a vulnerable state.
Being aware of attachment styles can indeed be a game-changer, and it sounds like you've gained some valuable insights. It's okay to set boundaries for yourself and decide not to get involved with certain types of people moving forward. However, it's crucial to remember that not every avoidant individual will act heartlessly; many are capable of growth with the right self-awareness and therapy.
You're right, anyone with unresolved issues should focus on self-improvement before getting into a relationship. But the same goes for all of us, to some degree. I hope your next relationship brings you the emotional safety and security you deserve. Take care. 💖
It's amazing how challenging it is to learn how to communicate. As the Anxious partner to the Avoidant partner. After 10 years, and continued threatening from the Avoidant of divorce I gave him divorce paperwork. After I did he told me he doesn't love me and that I am his enemy. I don't want to divorce him. I just don't know what else to do. And I don't want to be threatened anymore.
I wish I knew what happened in the end and how do you feel. I'm anxious too and my partner is avoidant.
@@herbsonthetable8251 what do you have questions about?
@@herbsonthetable8251 I had forgotten I wrote this.
I haven't seen my ex-husband for over a year now. We got divorced. I separated my life from him. Put of firm boundaries and moved across the country to protect myself and my son's.
How do I feel?
I have been trying to heal all my wounds. Trying to figure out who this woman is without the codependent nature of my marriage.
I feel like I was rolled by a tidal wave.
I think relationships are a dance. One person leans in the other steps back and it goes back and forth until there is a trust there. When one or both people have security issues it makes this dance impossible. And someone who is healthy will probably find either avoidant or anxious styles draining and leave after a while. Even relationships between two secure people require work.
Thank you for commenting and sharing your perspective, Bethani Brummett.
I called and said I’d like to come over and have a talk with him. He freaked out! So what did that mean to him? I can only imagine.
My avoidant boyfriend is marvelous in person. We have a long distance relationship. When he is not with me, he sometimes doesn't return texts. He sometimes won't talk on phone, but texting is more the problem. I fully believes he is not cheating. I'm beginning to see how he probably is concerned with control and freedom, aka loosing himself in the relationship, which shows up as. committment. These are frustrating characteristics and although I feel my power, it is effecting my self esteem and confidence in this relationshio. Any suggestions?
Im in the same connection
Break up. I'm more avoidant depending on how anxious the other person is but even I hate that not talking thing lol what's the point?
@@saltandlight93 I did!
Thank you truly. I'm only 16 but me and my (ex) partner just broke up for this reason. I'm willing to learn anything to do better for me and him. I've been trying to learn what I do and said that hurt him the most and learning how to stop saying and doing those things. I want to communicate and mend what was broken within us both. I love him and I want to do what I can to do better for us. I hope after practicing patience and confidence with conflict and crucial conversations that he'll want to try again. I know I can do this. I just want to know that there's a chance to try again. A chance to show him how much of a better person and communicator I can be. I just hope that he can change him mind. I don't like making him feel like he should walk on eggshells to talk to me. He deserved better than that and I let outside things hurt me on the inside of my relationship. He told me he doesn't want to be with me EVER again. I understand that and I know I have a lot of trust to earn back. I don't want to force him to love me or be with me. I just want to show him that I can love him better and do better with him. I miss him so much. It's only been a week plus a day. I understand how he's feeling. Two years is a long time for teens. I want to show him that I improved and still want to do better by him. I don't want him to stop caring about me. I don't want to lose the person who I've been loving for 3 years. I really want to show him how much better I can be. I'm just afraid it's too late for us. I don't think I could live knowing I didn't try my hardest because I was scared of arguing so I left and avoided it.