@@CoachCraigKenneth It us all of us who should be thanking you! My friend recommended me after you help her get her ex back. She did coaching with you!
I have just about had enough of trying to walk through the laser beams with my avoidant man....we’re not in a break up, but it is a constant game of giving him space and what he needs, not smothering him while simultaneously ignoring everything I need. He genuinely is “a treasure worth finding” but at some point here, I’m going to have to do a cost-benefit analysis. This is very taxing on my anxious heart😞
Just did this myself. The girl was absolutely everything I wanted...except for her love style. It was def hard to break up with her, but had to. She was never going to get help for it and I would have to suffer and not be myself for the entire length of the relationship.
You know, sometimes I wonder whether the desire to consider avoidants 'a treasure worth finding' and investing in is actually a sign of avoidance. It's loving potential, the hope of things to come, when really, this may never happen. Would you or I feel as comfortable projecting desires on someone who was actually willing to fulfil them or do we feel safe to do so only because avoidants cannot deliver?
9:20 That mission impossible metaphor is so spot on. I have empathy for an avoidant's early chiildhood but I can't ever date one again unless they're actively working on themselves. I hated that feeling of walking on eggshells, where even the simplest form of affection would sometimes be brushed off. And even when you give them space, the affection still happens on their terms. I felt like I had to become an avoidant myself.
I tried being in a relationship with an avoidant and it was so emotionally exhausting and was affecting me very negatively. He had a lot of emotional childhood trauma. When it was a happy day he was great and upbeat but when we both were going through our own problems and things got rough he emotionally checked out and pulled away and didn't want to talk about it and he just wanted us to forget about what we're going through and just be happy and smile which is what an avoidant does and discussing anything emotional isn't going to get you any results .they're just going to avoid listening to what you're saying and avoid fixing the problem. I thought it was best that I walked away. I know about the avoidant attachment style and I'm going to be more cautious next time and avoid dating and avoidant. I've been in no contact for 4 months and I've got barely any significant responses from him which again is pretty common with that attachment style and I'm reflecting and I'm healing and I'm moving on.
I did follow all the guidances which was kinda traumatic disciplining. My DA said all my good deeds made him feel guilty!!! He loved me but being stressful cuz he knew how hard I tried for him. May be...nothing can be really done to fix this kind of attachment.
@@tammierusby444 heey, I'm going through the exact same thing as you described.. I'm more of an anxious type and she is a very clear DA, I cared very very much for her and loved everything about her except her attachment style. she's pulled away now and started no contact, it's very hard for me tho bc she checked out emotionally wayy before me.. mind giving an update about how it's going or how did you two end up? a part of me really wants her back and is still attached to us, our memories and stuff but another part of me is emotionally exhausted. i want to know if it's worth fighting for or it gets better if you don't date avoidants.. thanks.
1:50 Avoidants want a relationship but also don’t want bc they feel overwhelm 6:40 texting may be better for them 6:45 love languages 8:30 be emotionally disciplined
@@ruthr8990 Have you met up yet as I have the very same problem. He sends me messages every day and we do voice notes but no phone calls and no meeting and for the life of me I love him to bits. I need my head read. How do you fall in love with a man you have never met.???
You can never win with da. The only win with a da is I am not interested in you as a romantic partner😂 then they will be nice to you and even open to have nice sex with you and care about you 😂😂😂
No sane person should want to date an avoidant. If you do, you seriously have to consider therapy and ask yourself why you’d want to. They have one foot out the door at all times. Love people who are healthy, and healthy for you.
If you’re not privileged to know the information about dismissive avoidant attachment style you will quickly get the golden ticket to a beautiful three month whirlwind romance to nowhere followed by an award winning heartbreak. This package can be yours so be sure to apply quickly. A winner is awarded every week. Once you are armed with the knowledge and know what to look for you can be like a master Freemason working the system when they think they’re working you.
I believe the hardest part is just flirt texting. For real! Just casually talking about my day to the avoident ( on a working trip) and feeling like maybe I have overstepped my boundaries, been too chatty, too forward, too anything! Ridicules!
Margaret always give deep and meaningful quotes, an avoidant is a treasure worth finding. Yes, indeed, when you understand they are not bad intended people, you realize they are quite a treasure.
@@alexandrulupu725 yea. But most avoidents are not from this generation. Where we Ll where our hearts on our sleeves. Me and my ex both grew up in homes where there was no crying or many I love yous or I rarely got a hug .and his dad's was pretty much neglecting and he could do anything as long as it didn't bother him . And I'm not really saying one generation is better than the other. I'm just saying when you grow up with more of a suck it up type parent .... it tends to do alot . And people process their child hood in all different ways. So I just hate that most of the comments on here are pretty much saying stay clear of avoidents like their bad people
I started out as a very securely attached male and over the course of 12 years with an avoidant female with a child, mother, cats, dogs and twenty other priorities above me became extremely insecurely attached. So much so that our breakup was blamed on my anxious behavior. While I used my skills and abilities to improve her life 100 fold I'm a shell of what I used to be and at 60 my chances of recovering are next to zero. There's no winning, only loneliness and PTSD with avoidants. Avoid them or recreational use only.
😣😔😭 that's so sad and yea the avoidants really are so selfish.. I'm in a 7 month relationship with an avoidant and it's been so frustrating since month 2 of us dating. I thought we'll fix things together (previously anxious but more secure now) , but he is just making me go back to anxious while he becomes better. It's so unfair, so selfish, so frustrating. Left me multiple times every week , even while on vacation, even while I'm sick etc. I think I'm just going to give up on him...
@@Crosszeriax Having seen the female version of what you're seeing I cannot imagine any universe where staying with an avoidant guy works out to be anything but a disaster for you. I too was regularly dismissed for displaying any need to talk or just for taking any position that she did not like. But at least as a female my ex had social pressure to appear to be somewhat agreeable and stable. A male has no such constraints and I can see that being very similar to being with a sociopath.
My DA has changed my life for the better. I was not aware I was so sensitive, I now no longer have my heart on my sleeve. As well as her being such a strong woman. I would not trade her.
I’ve been married and confused to an avoider for 17 years and sometimes have barely hung on. I would say I am not mentally stable in the sense that I need attention and some touching, which left this relation a long time ago. I’m at my wits end and tired of trying and keep getting hurt. He doesn’t talk to me unless it’s superficial subjects, doesn’t have friendships and we never do anything together except eat dinner and have coffee in the morning. The best thing about my marriage is I’m free to do anything I want and the only thing he wants and likes is me bring home for dinner. Such a lonely existence!
I feel it's problematic that you're suggesting the anxious partner has to be the one who is doing all the accommodations for their avoidant partner. So the anxious partner has to learn to stop acting anxious, and just be understanding and willing to tiptoe around the avoidant? And the avoidant isn't really expected to help the anxious partner to feel better in the relationship? Seems a bit one-sided.
Girl, yes! I was never and anxious preoccupied but I am now while in a relationship with this avoidant. If I were in a relationship with a much less dismissive avoidant person, I would be back to being much less anxious and preoccupied. How can we be anything else with these guys?
My situation is crazy. I have an anxious attachment style and this girl was the first avoidant that I met. We started as friends but at one point I started to say that I loved her and wanted her. She accepted this but eventually told me she didn't know what to do with that. The closest she got to saying I love you was when she said she appreciated the love I gave. All the while she called me a friend but treated me like a boyfriend. What ended that was when I sent her flowers. At that point, she ghosted me.
My mother is a narcissist and my stepdad is a dismissive avoidant… an unlikely duo, but they made it work for the past 40 years, and now in their 70s, a unified & loving couple. Looking back, I can see the periods they struggled, but they loved one another and made it work. There’s hope for all of us. This video has opened my eyes!!! Thank you. ❤ My partner and I have made it to 1 year… but it has been a bumpy ride. Your channel has been super helpful. This one in particular lasers in on the crux of what, I feel, the anxious attached needs to hear. Thank you. I am going to continue working on my own crap and enriching my own life… I’m looking at the exercise of giving him space as a gift to myself as well. It’s working. The space allows me to unwind from my own insecure spin. ❤
New thumbnail feels like a brand new season! And yeah, just as you open the video, this situation is a tough one. Being confused after a great week was pretty common. You really gotta be emotionally healthy to date an avoidant long term.
I am waiting for a video about how to approach anxious partner. I feel like there are more videos on avoidants on this channel. It's all about how the anxious ones should control themselves and not about how the avoidants should too, do the work focused on opening up to feelings and needs of an anxious partner. How they should also learn to calm and soothe them. Both parties should meet in the middle. In a healthy relationship, you can't always tiptoe around your partner and neglect your own needs.
These videos are a blessing this is literally the only thing that’s helping me control myself… it calms my anxiety down idk if I could do it alone if it wasn’t for these videos…
@@annmiller148 Hi! I still experience anxiety but it’s not about my relationship anymore I really learned how to calm myself down and how to self soothe. I got back w my ex and he is doing an incredible job fixing his avoidant ways. But as far as my anxiety I learned how to calm myself down through not trying to stop it and instead doing things that I enjoy doing, teaching my brain it doesn’t need to protect me from whatever it’s trying to protect me, and it eventually went away or became easier to manage. I haven’t had an anxiety attack in a long time and I’m basically doing a lot better when it comes to managing my emotions. it is possible to train our brains to not feel that crippling anxiety or at least to be able to calm it down :)
@@Daniela-vc1ik well I am definitely glad you are doing better. Mine he is avoident. Do you have any advice on how to deal with them. Cus I'm struggling. He is a good man . And he has said the he wants friends. But the more we talk the more he opens up and I don't think its what he wants I feel like he wants more again it's just that every time he shows something I've always gotten super anxious and gotten mad and cut things off. And I wanna stop being that way . He has never gotten mad or angry with me. I jlsee a lot of people commenting on here saying to stay away from an avoidant. And also did you have to tell him that he is avoident?
@@annmiller148 Yes!! I did tell him he’s avoidant and somewhat toxic I was completely honest with him but he only was ready to change or act better when he noticed how hurtful it can be. He only changed when he felt the pain that he used to make me feel by being avoidant because after the break up I cut him off completely. I do agree with the people saying to stay away from an avoidant because the problem is when they’re avoidant they are literally not going to care about your feelings. But if he sees how hurtful his actions can be and care enough to change them you can give it a try. Idk if you guys are dating or any details. If he’s avoidance doesn’t hurt you but instead just makes you uncomfortable just have patience with him is that what you want to do and work on your anxiety. But if his avoidance hurts you, stresses you out, puts you down etc then I don’t think you should have to deal with it, I would try to speak with him explain to him what avoidance and also talk about your own anxiety, and see if he’s open to listen.
@@Daniela-vc1ik we aren't dating . We dated about 3 years ago and have talked on and off . I'm not gonna lie it has hurt alot in the past . But I have learned that a lot of the reason for the break up is honestly been me . Not that he was innocent cus he could have has better communication about the fact that he needed slow . Basically now we are learning how to communicate . The more I learn about attachment style the more I realize that I really have to work on my anxiety irregardless of him.
These videos are helping me understand so much! I would love to hear about an avoidant shutting down and not communicating. I’m in that situation and following no contact but having a really hard time holding out hope. Thanks for all you do!
@@annmiller148 one of my exes came back after 2 years, but i moved on a long time ago. at this point in my life i've learned that i truly deserve better and that she was never worth it. I have honestly matured a little bit more in my dating life and i can honestly say that i have encountered far better people than my previous exes. once you over come that needy part of your life, you feel free and you feel like you will the person that you are looking for.....yourself. I love me and feel comfortable with being alone.
I mislabeled him for a narc, but omg he's just avoidant. He's not pulling for power...he's just 100 percent everything EVERY thing you just said. Wow! Thank you.
I was wondering if you would like to reach out and talk I am currently going through this with my ex and I am a very very anxious person. (Trying to not be ) but I would really like your insight on how to deal with it .
I would love your insight!!! I' m watching Craig's videos one by one multiple times. I still have a lot of work to do but I would need an update from your experience. I wish everything are well by now for you!
@@featness8958 hi! We’re still together (and even living together) even though we have our ups and downs and we’re mainly in a down now. We are however putting in the work! If you have any specific questions lmk!
I agree with you. I was also in a relationship with an avoidant and it was just too much for me and I had to walk away and I just felt like it was very emotionally draining. I am aware of this attachment style and I will avoid being with and avoidant.
I am seeing a major misconception between those who are with avoidants and with narcissists who are avoidant. I think this is where the line gets blurred and there is a lot of confusion. A narcissistic avoidant is a lot hard to work with and to have a relationship with than someone who is just avoidant. Avoidants do and can love and they do care. They just show it in different ways than someone who has insecure or emotional attachment. I think under the right conditions and with someone who is open and understanding an avoidant can open up and work on themselves but when the narcissist traits interfere there really is a whole bunch of other layers to it that are harder to peel back. I think this is where we feel Avoidants do not care or wouldn’t care bc that’s not the only personality trait your dealing with
This is the video I wish I had seen before starting a relationship with my last partner. I didn't even know about attachment styles and had I had that knowledge, both our lives would have turned out differently.
The worst is dating an avoidant who doesn’t even know they’re an avoidant lol. Every word this girl described herself as was the complete opposite once the honeymoon phase ended
Craig, could you do a video touching on the variations between the two types of Avoidant’s (Dismissive and Fearful) and the differences between them and how they should be individually approached? Specifically for the early and sustained stages of a rekindled relationship? I feel like my FA is testing the waters in her mind on giving our relationship another try, so I want to handle it very carefully. I’d hate to make the mistake of using an approach you would use on a dismissive and drive her away again?
Avoidants lack elf-awareness, it's like talking to someone who wants to keep their head in the sand. If they can't confront how they feel then they definitely won't be able to understand or sympathise with how you feel
Thank you for all that you and this channel does. I am going through the worst brwk up of my life. I just got the work book yesterday and started them today. I am learing about WHY I lash out at my ex. I am focusing on ME and being a better ME. My ex reached out to me yesterday after 4 days NC. She said she hoped a had a good day. I said it was one of the worst days I have had. I said I really hope she had a great day and asked her to call me and talk if she wanted to. She called me and we talked for about 45min. We ended the call good and she emailed me about 5min later. Said she is glad to hear I'm working on myself and to break my childhood trauma. I emailed herback and said thank you for that and told her that I really do love her and thanked her for calling me. Hope that isn't bad🤞🏼. Again thank you for all that you do and I'm grateful for god putting this channel on my feed last week
What a great video, thank you. This helps me understand the man I love (I do feel he is a treasure). I am hoping you have a video about how to communicate your needs to an avoidant in a way that will make them not feel overwhelmed. Off to look for one now!
I cannot explain how much I am loving every single person of you 3. Prior learning the different types of attachments, NOTHING made any sense. The unanswered question about: why this girl seems to be rejecting when I am giving her the intimacy which she initiated with me. What could explain cold attitude Post-2 weeks which we had amazing time? It got me to the point where I was persuaded that few demons were screwing with my relationship for they know it hurts me. Thank you all 3. Amazing you are
The face you make is IDENTICAL to how my husband reacts when I ask if he’s stressed out (when he is obviously stressed) 🤣🤣🤣 He’s 24 years OLDER than me, and here I am researching how to help him deal with something his abusive parents did to him long before I was born 🤦🏼♀️It’s working though, so that’s good
this is amazing! makes me feel so much more validated about my relationship. do you think there’s a risk of no contact being interpreted by the fearful avoidant as proof that they’re unworthy or something? thanks craig! ♥️
i don't give a f**** walking on eggshells all the time. Yes one can be smart with expressing needs and feelings and boundaries. But most importantly I wanna be authentic in a healthy way, and sometimes that can mean that I get really angry when my needs and wishes get ignored and it can also mean that I'm just done with this person, at least for a while. I'm *so* fed up and tired of trying to understand certain people but not getting the same back from them (luckily there are givers in my life as well). I do communicate, again and again. But if you don't listen and mess with me continuously, I will let you know. So I really don't believe in being damn considerate ALL the time. And yes, I'm upset at the moment.
I really love these videos!! - question 🙋🏽♀️... What are the positives of dating an avoidant? If they’re always running away.. then coming back when you move on! Like nothings happened 😩 I get becoming more secure in your anxiety, we should all do that. Buttt do they just get away with doing non of the work? are you doomed to a lifetime of feeling undesired or unloved as the more anxious/secure partner? 💔
You're not doomed because you too can exit a relationship if your avoidant partner is opting out of relating. You're free to date, attach and fall in love with someone who is willing to receive and reciprocate your feelings.
I have tried a lot of the suggestions you guys put forth in this video and it is all very true. They are a treasure if you have the patience to 1st work on yourself…the. Take the tips on how to work and communicate with the avoidant. So far….it’s helped my relationship after the break up. Would have never believed it if I wouldn’t have done and continue to do the work.
My ex is avoidant and that face is very accurate I have to admit. I am afraid he won’t break no contact. He dumped me, I made a lot of mistakes before knowing he was avoidant I thought he wasn’t into me but now I understand but is too late 😩
Hey Sofia, don’t be with somebody who just wants you for your perfections. Try finding somebody who embrace and appreciate your imperfections. I was in the same boat as well and did hundred right things and just one mistake vanished away every emotion we shared. I’m working on myself to be secure and Putting myself first. At the end of the day happiness matters the most. Hope you will heal better and come out stronger!
Well said coaches I wish I would have known this before hand, I know you said give it time it's only been a week,but from the beginning she told me I am indepent and I don't need a man so there goes no contact, but in all fairness I thank you guys from the bottom of my heart the knowledge you guys put out there it's a pity I know it now thank you coaches great job.
craig, can you do a video about whens good to bring up the DTR conversation? i emailed you few days ago about a break up (?) and im going through it BAD!
I prefer a person with a bit tendency to an anxious attachment style or secure. Hahahaha avoidant nooooooooo. They hurt u a lot... they make you feel like if you are not enough... make you feel unsure about yourself... make u crazy... it doesn't work. If They are not willing to talk about feelings is not possible to create a good relationship. We need work on ourselves to have an sure attachment style And peace. And then to look for other sure persons. An avoidant is not emotional available for you
Right on time coach! Ex we Skyped about came back but is already pulling away. SO MUCH of this content is us and I’ll ask him to listen. THANK YOU ALL!!!!
Helpful, yet at the same time, some suggestions remind me of "survival tricks" people use in Domestic Violence homes. in order to not get harmed. I am a DV counselor in my state, BTW
I totally agree on what you are saying my ex within days she told me she love me and that was constant thru the relationship,she hate been pressured,I was always caring for her making dinner, bringing food for her at the job and she would go out on the limb to reciprocate that,she has sexual appetite and she likes to keep busy,I could never ask her anything she would get defensive so I feel afraid to ask her anything, she doesn't like any negative situation or negative feelings she doesn't want to hear it and she likes space,her favorite words my mother raised me to be independent and don't need a man,she gets emotional but never want to share why she is getting emotional,this my girlfriend avoidant style.
May I ask what attachment styles all 3 of you were originally before your work to heal? BTW, I really like this channel! You all are very easy to understand and you make a lot of hard issues make sense. Thank you guys!
This happened 8 months ago my wife shut down we have been married 26 years and she wants a divorce and I told her that I was willing to try Anything to help our marriage work I don't believe in giving up! She is my treasure always has been❤!!!!
I tried hard for 3 months with a FA and left. I felt like her science project. Anyway, in hindsight I made the right decision at the time because I don’t know what attachment style I was but I know I wasn’t equipped to be in a relationship with her.
I know an avoidant who gets depressed and scared of being hurt I do tell him that it’s okay to show love but he became toxic to hide his feelings for me and he avoided intimacy. He disappeared a lot. His ex wife cheated on him so he can’t trust now
I wish I know all these many years ago when I was 35 when I dated this guy I think he was avoidant and I am anxious. But I provoked him a lot without knowing all these stuff 😔🥶
I met this guy, he was funny, charming, and very smart, we connected and texted all day. after 5 very intense weeks he turns his back on me and tells me he is not feeling it. He reaches out of the blue a couple of months later saying he made a mistake and wants me back, and of course, I get excited to give this one more chance, then less than a week later he becomes cold and distant. I am here trying to learn how to deal with this, but now I am wondering, is it worth the pain and the effort? He knows he has problems and he is going to therapy to solve his problems associated with childhood trauma. But do I though-it off to show this person I can be supportive? of do I just look for a secure attachment person? Ugh, not sure anymore if I like him or if I just want the challenge.
Don't. Some avoidants are so good at avoiding that it's just frustrating and rather pointless, and it will just fireback at you no matter how careful you are...There is no treasure worth finding down that hell hole
We care. I swing from anxious to avoidant. Tbe first time my bf said he loved me on the phone I hung up. Then I was able to text him and say sorry. I love u too. I can text way easier than saying things.
maybe the caregivers taught the children to never express their emotions, so they learned to keep it quiet...and writing is a silent form of communication
Thank you so much for your videos that are so helpful to me! I have a questions that I think I have never seen an answear to ? I see a lot of things about the no contact (when breakup happened) and a lot about how as a anxious is important to hold bouderies. What I don’t know is how to react when the avoidant tries to push your boundaries. My avoidant has hidden behind a woman because he was scared of my emotions (that I have learned but not mastered yet to control). He was not sleeping with her or seing her physicaly but made her believe they were together through long distance. He keeps on reassure me that there is no sex or physical touch involved. But it doesn’t matter for me as it already have broken one of my boundaries. So what to do ? How to break up gently explaining why and then still holding no contact while he tries to talk to me and reassure me about it ? Cause that’s isn’t the point for me. I am confused about what to do and feeling that he wants to push that it is ok in our relationship but it isn’t at all to me. And when I say that he just says « don’t worry there is no sex involved ». That is not my point. I’m super confused
You grab that love, and you take it to secure person. That’s how. Leave the avoidant to work on themselves and stop trying to change them. As an avoidant myself I know we suck. Not our fault but we do suck.
I just want to know how to get started with a conversation with an avoidant. I know the guy I’m seeing cates about me . I don’t even think he’s seeing anyone else . He is very avoidant has trauma etc. I don’t want to be breadcrumbed but don’t want to mess with his boundaries as well. However my needs aren’t being met and I just want to have open dialogue with him. If he doesn’t want me I will deal. It will suck but I can move on. The pain and disappointment will be strong at first then I will heal. However if he can’t be apart of creating momentum in our relationship and at least showing he’s on board with trying to progress even if it’s slowly then that is perpetual low level disappointment and that’s worse . I just want to know where we stand currently and where he would like to stand even if he has fear with it - understand what the fear is and hopefully offer support for him to try to confront that fear. It’s not my job to cure him but I want him to know I am in his corner and if he wants to try to work on his avoidance issues it would be beneficial to him first of all but it would also be something Id be happy to support him with
Hi Craig- I love this video but isn't this a toxic and immature dynamic? Always walking on eggshells around an avoidant as not to "scare" them? Who has the emotional energy for this? It's not fair to the other person. I don't see how these people make stable partners. Why do we have tolerance for these emotional roller coasters? It's not a healthy situation to be involved in. I can see if you're somehow stuck in this. Married young, have kids with them, some other situation that forces you to be with this person, but who wants to voluntarily get mixed up with someone like this? They're responsible for their own emotions. Yes, their childhood affected them, but it's not fair to expect the partner to be a mind reader.
Absolutely I 1000% agree with this. I have learnt this hard way. Being an avoidant does not give them a pass to get away with disrespecting their partners even if they don’t know they are doing that intentionally. Calling them out on their BS n being assertive with compassion is the key here for better communication and if they don’t get it then find somebody else who does respect you .
Secures won't stay with them past the honeymoon stage because they start acting up and secures won't put up with it, the only ones that put up with it are other insecure attachment types, the answer is to get secure and they will repulse you, I know it happened to me. X. Since about only 1 percent of avoidants change don't bother trying to change them either your wasting your time. C
Absolutely. This is so disrespectful and damaging to the other person. Thinking having emotions is a weakness yet seeking out relationships is torturing other people. These people are not stable and should be single until they can see a therapist or square themselves away. You can never have a healthy relationship with them unless they want to try. Who wants to be disrespected?
Exactly. Secure people won’t put up with this and then what happens is they find people who are insecure or have issues to put up with them because those are the only people who will. So then they make their issues worse/basically crap everywhere they step with their toxic behavior. Not cool to treat people like this. I cannot see the real benefit in voluntarily putting up with this. It’s awful.
@@kimjohnson4199 well said, also avoidants won't stop getting into relationships plus they never wanna work on themselves so it never works with them covert narcissism
@6:51 - what? Their love language is act of services??? Now I get it why she always ask for help at work. I didnt know that that was her love language. I though she was just using me to make her life easy at work 😂
Yes, that is the only way they can get and stay close to you without triggering their feeling since they can rationalize that they are asking for help and you are there only to help. They do happy and like the love and attention they got, but once it gets too comfortable toward each other and getting close, and either you feeling toward them or their own feeling toward you getting stronger, they will start to deactivate, avoid, run away, and acting cold. Give them the distance for quite sometimes for them to come to terms with themselves and feelings, and they will start come back to approach you and act like nothing happened. It is sad to too that they are scarred, and hopefully, there is away they would realize this, and start looking for healing journey. We can always pray for them, be patient, and hope they will improve.
I have borderline traits due to narcissistic abuse and I just realized that the guy who I was really hopeful about just recently abruptly and confusingly broke up with me..it was definitely a bad mix of my moments of excess emotion with an avoidant attachment..I just wish I would have known
I'm the same. Bpd traits - specifically enormous fear of abandonment......and my avoidant ran after a period of perfection. Does wonders for the abandonment fears....
I found that in asking about their day even that was too much for them. They thought I was trying to get information on them or check up on them. Extremely irritating. 🙄
What is the difference between Avoidant and BPD? I was married to an abusive man and he was always pushing me away! He wasn't doing it as much before we were married!
I just had a guy I was dating for 6 months. We had an amazing few weeks before he came over and broke up with me. I honestly thought he was going to ask to take it from dating to boyfriends 😕
After watching quite a few videos on attachment styles I am confused- sometimes I think I am avoidant, sometimes- anxious, and sometimes secure 🙈same with my ex 😅
So how do you, as an axious attached person get into a relationship with an avoidant? We do everything together but as soon as i mention being in a relationship he backs, and says he cant handle the "demands" that comes with it. His personal life is so stressful and so much going on for him, but at the same time i do not understand why we cant have a relationship if he likes me? How do we know he is not just playing along until something better comes along (One foot in, one foot out) and really cares for me like you should when you find someone "extra"
@@Redouku we are talking about avoidant partners, they make the worst partners, they have a 1 percent change rate and on top of that you have to factor in all narcassist are avoidant too, these people do not hold great skills to be in a relationship, they have stunted emotional growth, where there trauma left them. To be in a relationship with someone with this attachment does not make the other person happy, the only ones who can just about put up with them are FAs and they are still unhappy. The answer is to get secure yourself no one who is secure will last past the honeymoon phase as when the push and pull cold dynamics happen the secure values themselves too much and leaves. The only ones staying are the ones with trauma themselves , two people with trauma do not make a happy couple. Xx
Trying out a new thumbnail ❤️🙌
I LOVE the new thumbnail. Very professional! You are the best breakup experts EVER!!!
Thank you 🙏
@@CoachCraigKenneth It us all of us who should be thanking you! My friend recommended me after you help her get her ex back. She did coaching with you!
Tell her to email me a success story to share!
Luv it! The new thumbnail😍
I have just about had enough of trying to walk through the laser beams with my avoidant man....we’re not in a break up, but it is a constant game of giving him space and what he needs, not smothering him while simultaneously ignoring everything I need. He genuinely is “a treasure worth finding” but at some point here, I’m going to have to do a cost-benefit analysis. This is very taxing on my anxious heart😞
You can still get your ex back with my help
I do tarot reading to help people get their ex back
I have been helping many people on UA-cam with success stories
Just did this myself. The girl was absolutely everything I wanted...except for her love style. It was def hard to break up with her, but had to. She was never going to get help for it and I would have to suffer and not be myself for the entire length of the relationship.
You know, sometimes I wonder whether the desire to consider avoidants 'a treasure worth finding' and investing in is actually a sign of avoidance. It's loving potential, the hope of things to come, when really, this may never happen. Would you or I feel as comfortable projecting desires on someone who was actually willing to fulfil them or do we feel safe to do so only because avoidants cannot deliver?
9:20 That mission impossible metaphor is so spot on. I have empathy for an avoidant's early chiildhood but I can't ever date one again unless they're actively working on themselves. I hated that feeling of walking on eggshells, where even the simplest form of affection would sometimes be brushed off. And even when you give them space, the affection still happens on their terms. I felt like I had to become an avoidant myself.
It takes a boatload of emotional discipline to date an Avoidant.
You're so right! You have to fight a battle with yourself and restrain yourself, give them space, etc 🤷🏿♀️
I tried being in a relationship with an avoidant and it was so emotionally exhausting and was affecting me very negatively. He had a lot of emotional childhood trauma. When it was a happy day he was great and upbeat but when we both were going through our own problems and things got rough he emotionally checked out and pulled away and didn't want to talk about it and he just wanted us to forget about what we're going through and just be happy and smile which is what an avoidant does and discussing anything emotional isn't going to get you any results .they're just going to avoid listening to what you're saying and avoid fixing the problem. I thought it was best that I walked away. I know about the avoidant attachment style and I'm going to be more cautious next time and avoid dating and avoidant. I've been in no contact for 4 months and I've got barely any significant responses from him which again is pretty common with that attachment style and I'm reflecting and I'm healing and I'm moving on.
I did follow all the guidances which was kinda traumatic disciplining. My DA said all my good deeds made him feel guilty!!! He loved me but being stressful cuz he knew how hard I tried for him. May be...nothing can be really done to fix this kind of attachment.
@@tammierusby444 heey, I'm going through the exact same thing as you described.. I'm more of an anxious type and she is a very clear DA, I cared very very much for her and loved everything about her except her attachment style. she's pulled away now and started no contact, it's very hard for me tho bc she checked out emotionally wayy before me.. mind giving an update about how it's going or how did you two end up? a part of me really wants her back and is still attached to us, our memories and stuff but another part of me is emotionally exhausted. i want to know if it's worth fighting for or it gets better if you don't date avoidants.. thanks.
Why bother to date them😂
"We hurt in relationships, but we also heal in relationships".....what great insight, Victoria!!!
I loved an avoidant. If you need love and affection back you might as well look elsewhere because they usually can’t give them back
You can still get your ex back with my help
I do tarot reading to help people get their ex back
I have been helping many people on UA-cam with success stories
They give it in their own way😂
@@777-h6n like a high five?
1:50 Avoidants want a relationship but also don’t want bc they feel overwhelm
6:40 texting may be better for them
6:45 love languages
8:30 be emotionally disciplined
Yes my da texted about two years with me and still did not want to meet up. 😂
@@ruthr8990😂😂
@@ruthr8990 Have you met up yet as I have the very same problem. He sends me messages every day and we do voice notes but no phone calls and no meeting and for the life of me I love him to bits. I need my head read. How do you fall in love with a man you have never met.???
There is no right move with an avoidant. You either lose or you lose.
You can never win with da. The only win with a da is I am not interested in you as a romantic partner😂 then they will be nice to you and even open to have nice sex with you and care about you 😂😂😂
U nailed it
lmaooooo
Sadly … Amen brother.
yep
No sane person should want to date an avoidant. If you do, you seriously have to consider therapy and ask yourself why you’d want to. They have one foot out the door at all times. Love people who are healthy, and healthy for you.
@@Redouku now that is walking the line! Use it to your advantage. If you can take it.
If you’re not privileged to know the information about dismissive avoidant attachment style you will quickly get the golden ticket to a beautiful three month whirlwind romance to nowhere followed by an award winning heartbreak. This package can be yours so be sure to apply quickly. A winner is awarded every week. Once you are armed with the knowledge and know what to look for you can be like a master Freemason working the system when they think they’re working you.
@@jeffrey2003 yup, a master freemason that’s unable to really be themselves. Gotta do a cost analysis and make sure that person is worth the trouble.
But that's boring 😂
yes need to just let her go , mood changes with the wind toxic
My favorite quote from this: “we’ll talk about this later,…OR NEVER!”
😂😂😂😂😂🎯
So funny😂
I believe the hardest part is just flirt texting. For real! Just casually talking about my day to the avoident ( on a working trip) and feeling like maybe I have overstepped my boundaries, been too chatty, too forward, too anything! Ridicules!
Margaret always give deep and meaningful quotes, an avoidant is a treasure worth finding. Yes, indeed, when you understand they are not bad intended people, you realize they are quite a treasure.
they're more like curse actullly
I agree
Avoident are actually not that hard to understand. They are not bad people. Affection and love is just difficult for them.
@@annmiller148 they process emotions way too slow for this century 🙂
@@alexandrulupu725 yea. But most avoidents are not from this generation. Where we Ll where our hearts on our sleeves. Me and my ex both grew up in homes where there was no crying or many I love yous or I rarely got a hug .and his dad's was pretty much neglecting and he could do anything as long as it didn't bother him . And I'm not really saying one generation is better than the other. I'm just saying when you grow up with more of a suck it up type parent .... it tends to do alot . And people process their child hood in all different ways. So I just hate that most of the comments on here are pretty much saying stay clear of avoidents like their bad people
I started out as a very securely attached male and over the course of 12 years with an avoidant female with a child, mother, cats, dogs and twenty other priorities above me became extremely insecurely attached. So much so that our breakup was blamed on my anxious behavior. While I used my skills and abilities to improve her life 100 fold I'm a shell of what I used to be and at 60 my chances of recovering are next to zero. There's no winning, only loneliness and PTSD with avoidants. Avoid them or recreational use only.
😣😔😭 that's so sad and yea the avoidants really are so selfish.. I'm in a 7 month relationship with an avoidant and it's been so frustrating since month 2 of us dating. I thought we'll fix things together (previously anxious but more secure now) , but he is just making me go back to anxious while he becomes better. It's so unfair, so selfish, so frustrating. Left me multiple times every week , even while on vacation, even while I'm sick etc. I think I'm just going to give up on him...
@@Crosszeriax Having seen the female version of what you're seeing I cannot imagine any universe where staying with an avoidant guy works out to be anything but a disaster for you. I too was regularly dismissed for displaying any need to talk or just for taking any position that she did not like. But at least as a female my ex had social pressure to appear to be somewhat agreeable and stable. A male has no such constraints and I can see that being very similar to being with a sociopath.
You have just told my story of the last 19 years...
6 years in and she's shutting down. She's now backed away
My DA has changed my life for the better. I was not aware I was so sensitive, I now no longer have my heart on my sleeve. As well as her being such a strong woman. I would not trade her.
If only avoidants could realize how much they hurt the people around them, then they still wouldn’t care 😂
solution get solved through relationship restorer
+1 (2 0 4 ) 8 0 8 2 2 3 4
M e s s a g e h I m n o w
@@wisdomislife8989 bogus
true 🤣
I’ve been married and confused to an avoider for 17 years and sometimes have barely hung on. I would say I am not mentally stable in the sense that I need attention and some touching, which left this relation a long time ago. I’m at my wits end and tired of trying and keep getting hurt. He doesn’t talk to me unless it’s superficial subjects, doesn’t have friendships and we never do anything together except eat dinner and have coffee in the morning. The best thing about my marriage is I’m free to do anything I want and the only thing he wants and likes is me bring home for dinner. Such a lonely existence!
I feel it's problematic that you're suggesting the anxious partner has to be the one who is doing all the accommodations for their avoidant partner. So the anxious partner has to learn to stop acting anxious, and just be understanding and willing to tiptoe around the avoidant? And the avoidant isn't really expected to help the anxious partner to feel better in the relationship? Seems a bit one-sided.
Girl, yes! I was never and anxious preoccupied but I am now while in a relationship with this avoidant. If I were in a relationship with a much less dismissive avoidant person, I would be back to being much less anxious and preoccupied. How can we be anything else with these guys?
Have to leave avoidant men, they are too much work...they will be better off alone than causing stress to normal people.
Going through this now for 7 months
@@Thebestsalonandbarbershop so sorry, it's very difficult
It’s sick why do we feel bad they don’t at all mine is closer to a narcissist in so many ways
My situation is crazy. I have an anxious attachment style and this girl was the first avoidant that I met. We started as friends but at one point I started to say that I loved her and wanted her. She accepted this but eventually told me she didn't know what to do with that. The closest she got to saying I love you was when she said she appreciated the love I gave. All the while she called me a friend but treated me like a boyfriend. What ended that was when I sent her flowers. At that point, she ghosted me.
You poor thing! Send me flowers I will say thank you 🎉
My mother is a narcissist and my stepdad is a dismissive avoidant… an unlikely duo, but they made it work for the past 40 years, and now in their 70s, a unified & loving couple. Looking back, I can see the periods they struggled, but they loved one another and made it work. There’s hope for all of us.
This video has opened my eyes!!! Thank you. ❤ My partner and I have made it to 1 year… but it has been a bumpy ride. Your channel has been super helpful. This one in particular lasers in on the crux of what, I feel, the anxious attached needs to hear. Thank you. I am going to continue working on my own crap and enriching my own life… I’m looking at the exercise of giving him space as a gift to myself as well. It’s working. The space allows me to unwind from my own insecure spin. ❤
I totally get that an avoidant would feel more comfortable about talking through text. My last girlfriend was avoidant, and she was a big texter.
same with my ex! and i was always wanting to hop on the phone! hah.
Hello friend, getting back your ex shouldn't be a problems anymore.
I know of a great man that can help you bring back your ex without delay.
Whats>app=him...
+ 1 ( "9 0 9" ) 3 1 0 "1 7 8 6"
But the question is, WHO would want to feel like the relationship is a minefield?
These were the exact words that played in my mind. Seems really one sided
yeah not the kind of relationship id want to be in
New thumbnail feels like a brand new season!
And yeah, just as you open the video, this situation is a tough one. Being confused after a great week was pretty common. You really gotta be emotionally healthy to date an avoidant long term.
I was looking for the 'skip intro' option
Or an F/A hahahaha
I am waiting for a video about how to approach anxious partner. I feel like there are more videos on avoidants on this channel. It's all about how the anxious ones should control themselves and not about how the avoidants should too, do the work focused on opening up to feelings and needs of an anxious partner. How they should also learn to calm and soothe them. Both parties should meet in the middle. In a healthy relationship, you can't always tiptoe around your partner and neglect your own needs.
Hello friend, getting back your ex shouldn't be a problems anymore.
I know of a great man that can help you bring back your ex without delay.
Whats>app=him...
+ 1 ( "9 0 9" ) 3 1 0 "1 7 8 6"
These videos are a blessing this is literally the only thing that’s helping me control myself… it calms my anxiety down idk if I could do it alone if it wasn’t for these videos…
So I'm curious as to how you are doing now ?
@@annmiller148 Hi! I still experience anxiety but it’s not about my relationship anymore I really learned how to calm myself down and how to self soothe. I got back w my ex and he is doing an incredible job fixing his avoidant ways. But as far as my anxiety I learned how to calm myself down through not trying to stop it and instead doing things that I enjoy doing, teaching my brain it doesn’t need to protect me from whatever it’s trying to protect me, and it eventually went away or became easier to manage. I haven’t had an anxiety attack in a long time and I’m basically doing a lot better when it comes to managing my emotions. it is possible to train our brains to not feel that crippling anxiety or at least to be able to calm it down :)
@@Daniela-vc1ik well I am definitely glad you are doing better. Mine he is avoident. Do you have any advice on how to deal with them. Cus I'm struggling. He is a good man . And he has said the he wants friends. But the more we talk the more he opens up and I don't think its what he wants I feel like he wants more again it's just that every time he shows something I've always gotten super anxious and gotten mad and cut things off. And I wanna stop being that way . He has never gotten mad or angry with me. I jlsee a lot of people commenting on here saying to stay away from an avoidant. And also did you have to tell him that he is avoident?
@@annmiller148 Yes!! I did tell him he’s avoidant and somewhat toxic I was completely honest with him but he only was ready to change or act better when he noticed how hurtful it can be. He only changed when he felt the pain that he used to make me feel by being avoidant because after the break up I cut him off completely. I do agree with the people saying to stay away from an avoidant because the problem is when they’re avoidant they are literally not going to care about your feelings. But if he sees how hurtful his actions can be and care enough to change them you can give it a try. Idk if you guys are dating or any details. If he’s avoidance doesn’t hurt you but instead just makes you uncomfortable just have patience with him is that what you want to do and work on your anxiety. But if his avoidance hurts you, stresses you out, puts you down etc then I don’t think you should have to deal with it, I would try to speak with him explain to him what avoidance and also talk about your own anxiety, and see if he’s open to listen.
@@Daniela-vc1ik we aren't dating . We dated about 3 years ago and have talked on and off . I'm not gonna lie it has hurt alot in the past . But I have learned that a lot of the reason for the break up is honestly been me . Not that he was innocent cus he could have has better communication about the fact that he needed slow . Basically now we are learning how to communicate . The more I learn about attachment style the more I realize that I really have to work on my anxiety irregardless of him.
These videos are helping me understand so much! I would love to hear about an avoidant shutting down and not communicating. I’m in that situation and following no contact but having a really hard time holding out hope. Thanks for all you do!
Don’t date them. You can find better. Trust me.
Focus on your own healing. Be there for them . Honestly it's better to let them figure things out. It takes extreme patients .
I'm curious to how yall are doing now if you don't mind me asking?
@@annmiller148 one of my exes came back after 2 years, but i moved on a long time ago. at this point in my life i've learned that i truly deserve better and that she was never worth it. I have honestly matured a little bit more in my dating life and i can honestly say that i have encountered far better people than my previous exes. once you over come that needy part of your life, you feel free and you feel like you will the person that you are looking for.....yourself. I love me and feel comfortable with being alone.
I mislabeled him for a narc, but omg he's just avoidant. He's not pulling for power...he's just 100 percent everything EVERY thing you just said. Wow! Thank you.
I got my ex back (thanks to your videos) 8 months ago and I'm still here watching the videos!! 💪🏼 I e-mailed you a success story a couple months ago!
Send an updated one. Perhaps we can make it into a video to share
@@CoachCraigKenneth sent!! 👌🏼
I was wondering if you would like to reach out and talk I am currently going through this with my ex and I am a very very anxious person. (Trying to not be ) but I would really like your insight on how to deal with it .
I would love your insight!!! I' m watching Craig's videos one by one multiple times. I still have a lot of work to do but I would need an update from your experience. I wish everything are well by now for you!
@@featness8958 hi! We’re still together (and even living together) even though we have our ups and downs and we’re mainly in a down now. We are however putting in the work! If you have any specific questions lmk!
Absolutely great video! it clarified everything that happened in my relationship with the avoidant i had. It was just too much for me .
I agree with you. I was also in a relationship with an avoidant and it was just too much for me and I had to walk away and I just felt like it was very emotionally draining. I am aware of this attachment style and I will avoid being with and avoidant.
I have been in a relationship with aavoidant for 2 years it’s challenging for sure but he’s a good person n. Worth it ❤
But still let them reach out when they leave... Don't chase.
I am seeing a major misconception between those who are with avoidants and with narcissists who are avoidant. I think this is where the line gets blurred and there is a lot of confusion. A narcissistic avoidant is a lot hard to work with and to have a relationship with than someone who is just avoidant. Avoidants do and can love and they do care. They just show it in different ways than someone who has insecure or emotional attachment. I think under the right conditions and with someone who is open and understanding an avoidant can open up and work on themselves but when the narcissist traits interfere there really is a whole bunch of other layers to it that are harder to peel back. I think this is where we feel Avoidants do not care or wouldn’t care bc that’s not the only personality trait your dealing with
I learned a very important lesson while dating an avoidant…….don’t date them. It’s frustrating.
hot and cold no capable to be a good gf or wfe too selfish
This is the video I wish I had seen before starting a relationship with my last partner. I didn't even know about attachment styles and had I had that knowledge, both our lives would have turned out differently.
Love this, more avoidant videos!
We have several that will are filmed and ready to go. Soon 😉
@@CoachCraigKenneth YAY!!!
The worst is dating an avoidant who doesn’t even know they’re an avoidant lol. Every word this girl described herself as was the complete opposite once the honeymoon phase ended
Craig, could you do a video touching on the variations between the two types of Avoidant’s (Dismissive and Fearful) and the differences between them and how they should be individually approached?
Specifically for the early and sustained stages of a rekindled relationship?
I feel like my FA is testing the waters in her mind on giving our relationship another try, so I want to handle it very carefully. I’d hate to make the mistake of using an approach you would use on a dismissive and drive her away again?
Hi Alfred
Avoidants lack elf-awareness, it's like talking to someone who wants to keep their head in the sand. If they can't confront how they feel then they definitely won't be able to understand or sympathise with how you feel
Totally agree it’s exactly what my avoidant is doing!
Thank you for all that you and this channel does. I am going through the worst brwk up of my life. I just got the work book yesterday and started them today. I am learing about WHY I lash out at my ex. I am focusing on ME and being a better ME. My ex reached out to me yesterday after 4 days NC. She said she hoped a had a good day. I said it was one of the worst days I have had. I said I really hope she had a great day and asked her to call me and talk if she wanted to. She called me and we talked for about 45min. We ended the call good and she emailed me about 5min later. Said she is glad to hear I'm working on myself and to break my childhood trauma. I emailed herback and said thank you for that and told her that I really do love her and thanked her for calling me. Hope that isn't bad🤞🏼. Again thank you for all that you do and I'm grateful for god putting this channel on my feed last week
What a great video, thank you. This helps me understand the man I love (I do feel he is a treasure). I am hoping you have a video about how to communicate your needs to an avoidant in a way that will make them not feel overwhelmed. Off to look for one now!
I cannot explain how much I am loving every single person of you 3.
Prior learning the different types of attachments, NOTHING made any sense.
The unanswered question about:
why this girl seems to be rejecting when I am giving her the intimacy which she initiated with me.
What could explain cold attitude Post-2 weeks which we had amazing time?
It got me to the point where I was persuaded that few demons were screwing with my relationship for they know it hurts me.
Thank you all 3.
Amazing you are
I recommend you to a great and tarot man who can help you manifest whoever you want to manifest within two-day ♥️ ♥️ ♥️
__+2::3::4::70::42::86::41::97::
The face you make is IDENTICAL to how my husband reacts when I ask if he’s stressed out (when he is obviously stressed) 🤣🤣🤣 He’s 24 years OLDER than me, and here I am researching how to help him deal with something his abusive parents did to him long before I was born 🤦🏼♀️It’s working though, so that’s good
It's great that you mentioned there are positive aspects of an avoidant partner!!!
this is amazing! makes me feel so much more validated about my relationship. do you think there’s a risk of no contact being interpreted by the fearful avoidant as proof that they’re unworthy or something? thanks craig! ♥️
No contact is getting back in contact with yourself. You can find someone better. Trust me.
i don't give a f**** walking on eggshells all the time. Yes one can be smart with expressing needs and feelings and boundaries. But most importantly I wanna be authentic in a healthy way, and sometimes that can mean that I get really angry when my needs and wishes get ignored and it can also mean that I'm just done with this person, at least for a while. I'm *so* fed up and tired of trying to understand certain people but not getting the same back from them (luckily there are givers in my life as well).
I do communicate, again and again. But if you don't listen and mess with me continuously, I will let you know. So I really don't believe in being damn considerate ALL the time.
And yes, I'm upset at the moment.
Great thumbnail Craig !
I really love these videos!!
- question 🙋🏽♀️...
What are the positives of dating an avoidant? If they’re always running away.. then coming back when you move on! Like nothings happened 😩 I get becoming more secure in your anxiety, we should all do that. Buttt do they just get away with doing non of the work? are you doomed to a lifetime of feeling undesired or unloved as the more anxious/secure partner? 💔
You're not doomed because you too can exit a relationship if your avoidant partner is opting out of relating. You're free to date, attach and fall in love with someone who is willing to receive and reciprocate your feelings.
I have tried a lot of the suggestions you guys put forth in this video and it is all very true. They are a treasure if you have the patience to 1st work on yourself…the. Take the tips on how to work and communicate with the avoidant. So far….it’s helped my relationship after the break up. Would have never believed it if I wouldn’t have done and continue to do the work.
Lol..sure
@@evaollie9208 Its said you have nothing nice to say 🤷🏻♀️ No need for negative comments.
My ex is avoidant and that face is very accurate I have to admit.
I am afraid he won’t break no contact. He dumped me, I made a lot of mistakes before knowing he was avoidant I thought he wasn’t into me but now I understand but is too late 😩
Hey Sofia, don’t be with somebody who just wants you for your perfections. Try finding somebody who embrace and appreciate your imperfections. I was in the same boat as well and did hundred right things and just one mistake vanished away every emotion we shared. I’m working on myself to be secure and Putting myself first. At the end of the day happiness matters the most. Hope you will heal better and come out stronger!
Hello friend, getting back your ex shouldn't be a problems anymore.
I know of a great man that can help you bring back your ex without delay.
Whats>app=him..
+ 1 ( "9 0 9" ) 3 1 0 "1 7 8 6"
Well said coaches I wish I would have known this before hand, I know you said give it time it's only been a week,but from the beginning she told me I am indepent and I don't need a man so there goes no contact, but in all fairness I thank you guys from the bottom of my heart the knowledge you guys put out there it's a pity I know it now thank you coaches great job.
craig, can you do a video about whens good to bring up the DTR conversation? i emailed you few days ago about a break up (?) and im going through it BAD!
I prefer a person with a bit tendency to an anxious attachment style or secure. Hahahaha avoidant nooooooooo. They hurt u a lot... they make you feel like if you are not enough... make you feel unsure about yourself... make u crazy... it doesn't work. If They are not willing to talk about feelings is not possible to create a good relationship. We need work on ourselves to have an sure attachment style And peace. And then to look for other sure persons. An avoidant is not emotional available for you
Right on time coach! Ex we Skyped about came back but is already pulling away. SO MUCH of this content is us and I’ll ask him to listen. THANK YOU ALL!!!!
Helpful, yet at the same time, some suggestions remind me of "survival tricks" people use in Domestic Violence homes. in order to not get harmed. I am a DV counselor in my state, BTW
I totally agree on what you are saying my ex within days she told me she love me and that was constant thru the relationship,she hate been pressured,I was always caring for her making dinner, bringing food for her at the job and she would go out on the limb to reciprocate that,she has sexual appetite and she likes to keep busy,I could never ask her anything she would get defensive so I feel afraid to ask her anything, she doesn't like any negative situation or negative feelings she doesn't want to hear it and she likes space,her favorite words my mother raised me to be independent and don't need a man,she gets emotional but never want to share why she is getting emotional,this my girlfriend avoidant style.
May I ask what attachment styles all 3 of you were originally before your work to heal? BTW, I really like this channel! You all are very easy to understand and you make a lot of hard issues make sense. Thank you guys!
I also like to say it's like walking on eggshells :))
This happened 8 months ago my wife shut down we have been married 26 years and she wants a divorce and I told her that I was willing to try Anything to help our marriage work I don't believe in giving up! She is my treasure always has been❤!!!!
I tried hard for 3 months with a FA and left.
I felt like her science project. Anyway, in hindsight I made the right decision at the time because I don’t know what attachment style I was but I know I wasn’t equipped to be in a relationship with her.
Margaret is an absolute G
I wish i got to this amazing videos when i knew my ex
His avoidance triggered fully my anxiety and i ruined everything when he dumped me
Love this topic. It's very related to my situation.
Thanks lot for the video which help us to understand more our avoidant partners 🙏💐
I know an avoidant who gets depressed and scared of being hurt I do tell him that it’s okay to show love but he became toxic to hide his feelings for me and he avoided intimacy. He disappeared a lot. His ex wife cheated on him so he can’t trust now
Great video you three! You're all my family!
❤️
This video is on point. Very helpful in understanding my ex. Definitely gave me a clear perspective on what happened between us
You can still get your ex back with my help
I do tarot reading to help people get their ex back
I have been helping many people on UA-cam with success stories
You guys are the BEST!! thank you, day, made!!😊👍🏽
You can still get your ex back with my help
I do tarot reading to help people get their ex back
I have been helping many people on UA-cam with success stories
I wish I know all these many years ago when I was 35 when I dated this guy I think he was avoidant and I am anxious. But I provoked him a lot without knowing all these stuff 😔🥶
I met this guy, he was funny, charming, and very smart, we connected and texted all day. after 5 very intense weeks he turns his back on me and tells me he is not feeling it. He reaches out of the blue a couple of months later saying he made a mistake and wants me back, and of course, I get excited to give this one more chance, then less than a week later he becomes cold and distant. I am here trying to learn how to deal with this, but now I am wondering, is it worth the pain and the effort? He knows he has problems and he is going to therapy to solve his problems associated with childhood trauma. But do I though-it off to show this person I can be supportive? of do I just look for a secure attachment person? Ugh, not sure anymore if I like him or if I just want the challenge.
move on..your love is worth being appreciated
This was fantastic thank you all
Don't. Some avoidants are so good at avoiding that it's just frustrating and rather pointless, and it will just fireback at you no matter how careful you are...There is no treasure worth finding down that hell hole
This is so on point lol. Im messaging this avoidant person while watching this and it made me reset. haha
We care. I swing from anxious to avoidant. Tbe first time my bf said he loved me on the phone I hung up. Then I was able to text him and say sorry. I love u too. I can text way easier than saying things.
I don't understand this. What's the difference between typing it out or speaking it? It's the exact same words.....
maybe the caregivers taught the children to never express their emotions, so they learned to keep it quiet...and writing is a silent form of communication
Thank you so much for your videos that are so helpful to me! I have a questions that I think I have never seen an answear to ? I see a lot of things about the no contact (when breakup happened) and a lot about how as a anxious is important to hold bouderies. What I don’t know is how to react when the avoidant tries to push your boundaries. My avoidant has hidden behind a woman because he was scared of my emotions (that I have learned but not mastered yet to control). He was not sleeping with her or seing her physicaly but made her believe they were together through long distance. He keeps on reassure me that there is no sex or physical touch involved. But it doesn’t matter for me as it already have broken one of my boundaries. So what to do ? How to break up gently explaining why and then still holding no contact while he tries to talk to me and reassure me about it ? Cause that’s isn’t the point for me. I am confused about what to do and feeling that he wants to push that it is ok in our relationship but it isn’t at all to me. And when I say that he just says « don’t worry there is no sex involved ». That is not my point. I’m super confused
You grab that love, and you take it to secure person. That’s how. Leave the avoidant to work on themselves and stop trying to change them. As an avoidant myself I know we suck. Not our fault but we do suck.
2 weeks no contact with an fa. Been broken up more times than i can count 😒. I'm emotionally checked out for good
Fa?
Hello friend, getting back your ex shouldn't be a problems anymore.
I know of a great man that can help you bring back your ex without delay.
Whats>app=him...
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Avoidants and narcissists act the same way. How do we tell the difference?
Avoidants are narcissists and abusers. Run and don't look back!
I just want to know how to get started with a conversation with an avoidant. I know the guy I’m seeing cates about me . I don’t even think he’s seeing anyone else . He is very avoidant has trauma etc. I don’t want to be breadcrumbed but don’t want to mess with his boundaries as well. However my needs aren’t being met and I just want to have open dialogue with him. If he doesn’t want me I will deal. It will suck but I can move on. The pain and disappointment will be strong at first then I will heal. However if he can’t be apart of creating momentum in our relationship and at least showing he’s on board with trying to progress even if it’s slowly then that is perpetual low level disappointment and that’s worse . I just want to know where we stand currently and where he would like to stand even if he has fear with it - understand what the fear is and hopefully offer support for him to try to confront that fear. It’s not my job to cure him but I want him to know I am in his corner and if he wants to try to work on his avoidance issues it would be beneficial to him first of all but it would also be something Id be happy to support him with
Great video 🎉
Hi Craig- I love this video but isn't this a toxic and immature dynamic? Always walking on eggshells around an avoidant as not to "scare" them? Who has the emotional energy for this? It's not fair to the other person. I don't see how these people make stable partners. Why do we have tolerance for these emotional roller coasters? It's not a healthy situation to be involved in. I can see if you're somehow stuck in this. Married young, have kids with them, some other situation that forces you to be with this person, but who wants to voluntarily get mixed up with someone like this? They're responsible for their own emotions. Yes, their childhood affected them, but it's not fair to expect the partner to be a mind reader.
Absolutely I 1000% agree with this. I have learnt this hard way. Being an avoidant does not give them a pass to get away with disrespecting their partners even if they don’t know they are doing that intentionally. Calling them out on their BS n being assertive with compassion is the key here for better communication and if they don’t get it then find somebody else who does respect you .
Secures won't stay with them past the honeymoon stage because they start acting up and secures won't put up with it, the only ones that put up with it are other insecure attachment types, the answer is to get secure and they will repulse you, I know it happened to me. X. Since about only 1 percent of avoidants change don't bother trying to change them either your wasting your time. C
Absolutely. This is so disrespectful and damaging to the other person. Thinking having emotions is a weakness yet seeking out relationships is torturing other people. These people are not stable and should be single until they can see a therapist or square themselves away. You can never have a healthy relationship with them unless they want to try. Who wants to be disrespected?
Exactly. Secure people won’t put up with this and then what happens is they find people who are insecure or have issues to put up with them because those are the only people who will. So then they make their issues worse/basically crap everywhere they step with their toxic behavior. Not cool to treat people like this. I cannot see the real benefit in voluntarily putting up with this. It’s awful.
@@kimjohnson4199 well said, also avoidants won't stop getting into relationships plus they never wanna work on themselves so it never works with them covert narcissism
I did everything I could to accommodate him for 2 and a half years. Couldn’t deal with him anymore and just walked away. 😢
was looking for this ty
FIRST! THUMBNAIL IS 🔥🔥🔥🔥
@6:51 - what? Their love language is act of services??? Now I get it why she always ask for help at work. I didnt know that that was her love language. I though she was just using me to make her life easy at work 😂
Yes, that is the only way they can get and stay close to you without triggering their feeling since they can rationalize that they are asking for help and you are there only to help. They do happy and like the love and attention they got, but once it gets too comfortable toward each other and getting close, and either you feeling toward them or their own feeling toward you getting stronger, they will start to deactivate, avoid, run away, and acting cold. Give them the distance for quite sometimes for them to come to terms with themselves and feelings, and they will start come back to approach you and act like nothing happened. It is sad to too that they are scarred, and hopefully, there is away they would realize this, and start looking for healing journey. We can always pray for them, be patient, and hope they will improve.
I have borderline traits due to narcissistic abuse and I just realized that the guy who I was really hopeful about just recently abruptly and confusingly broke up with me..it was definitely a bad mix of my moments of excess emotion with an avoidant attachment..I just wish I would have known
I'm the same. Bpd traits - specifically enormous fear of abandonment......and my avoidant ran after a period of perfection. Does wonders for the abandonment fears....
M e s s a g e h I m n o w
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Please do a video on Dissociative Identity Disorder, and how that is in relationships/breakups.
That’s not something we would do a video on. But Margaret has tremendous experience with that. Highly recommend you do a coaching with her for that
I found that in asking about their day even that was too much for them. They thought I was trying to get information on them or check up on them.
Extremely irritating. 🙄
What is the difference between Avoidant and BPD? I was married to an abusive man and he was always pushing me away! He wasn't doing it as much before we were married!
Coach Margareth is back great.
I love the face reaction
You gave me a good laugh hahaha thank you so much !!!
Thanks for this. It really hellllllllppppsssss! 🙄😥🥰
I just had a guy I was dating for 6 months. We had an amazing few weeks before he came over and broke up with me. I honestly thought he was going to ask to take it from dating to boyfriends 😕
solution get solved through relationship restorer
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That fact it was 6 months in was your red flag. Someone should be committing to a relationship within 3 months. If not it’s time to walk
I’m an avoidant. This is terrible. I struggle a lot with it
solution get solved through relationship restorer
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chat him up
Wow.. avoidant people seem like a lot of work. 🙄
After watching quite a few videos on attachment styles I am confused- sometimes I think I am avoidant, sometimes- anxious, and sometimes secure 🙈same with my ex 😅
Disorganized is fearful avoidant.
So how do you, as an axious attached person get into a relationship with an avoidant? We do everything together but as soon as i mention being in a relationship he backs, and says he cant handle the "demands" that comes with it. His personal life is so stressful and so much going on for him, but at the same time i do not understand why we cant have a relationship if he likes me? How do we know he is not just playing along until something better comes along (One foot in, one foot out) and really cares for me like you should when you find someone "extra"
I am an avoidant I usually question the if relationships are worth it
Yeah I get that too
@@Redouku that's not a recipe for a happy life that's a narcassist dream. X
@@Redouku we are talking about avoidant partners, they make the worst partners, they have a 1 percent change rate and on top of that you have to factor in all narcassist are avoidant too, these people do not hold great skills to be in a relationship, they have stunted emotional growth, where there trauma left them.
To be in a relationship with someone with this attachment does not make the other person happy, the only ones who can just about put up with them are FAs and they are still unhappy. The answer is to get secure yourself no one who is secure will last past the honeymoon phase as when the push and pull cold dynamics happen the secure values themselves too much and leaves.
The only ones staying are the ones with trauma themselves , two people with trauma do not make a happy couple. Xx
how do you know if you dont try?
Shees back *smiling* and here comes the butterflyes lmao 😂😅
Everyone should strive to become secure, not just avoidants😂
thank you so much