I loved him so much. And no matter how patient, understanding and loving I was, he pushed me away so hard that I ended up rejecting him. I still love him, I can’t help it. But at some point I had to choose myself. Yet, he told me from the beginning of his pulling away cycles: “it’s not you, it’s me”.
You make some really good points! And even tho it hurts me a lot, I must agree with you: if an avoidant is not trying to overcome his issues nor trying to understand why all the emotional shutdowns happen… then their lover must walk away. Two of my ex’s left me for being avoidant, and I had no idea until very recently. Hopefully I will be a different person for my next girlfriend. Keep sharing these deep insights please!
@@lukaz2040 Thankyou for sharing! Sorry to hear that your exes left you for being avoidant. But at the same time as you said yourself already, you now have seen what your part may be. I wish you healing and a lots of growth. And don’t forget to be kind for yourself in this journey! And thankyou for motivating me, I really appreciate it.
It's important to note that there's 2 types of avoidant: dismissive (from indifference) and fearful (from abuse). Mine was the fearful attachment style, and it's not that complicated. It's the fear of an inevitable betrayal. And similar to other fears, it is subconscious. Anxious attachment people try to cling to their partner in the hopes that some action they can do will convince their partner to not abandon them. But avoidants feel that abandonment is inevitable, so there's no point in even trying. One time, there was a girl that I had the biggest crush on- certain that I was in love with her. And then she dropped the biggest hint on ME!!!! You would think this would be an amazing situation for me, but the strangest thing happened. The moment she dropped that hint, I felt this enormous, lightning surge of pure FEAR course through my entire brain (and maybe even body). In that moment, I said "awkward moment" and shutdown. From then on, how I felt about her completely changed. I started avoiding her and fearing her. And actually, she would start chasing after me. But the more she chased me, the angrier I got- and I'd respond angry. Consciously, I didn't really see what I was doing. In my mind, she deserved it. I felt like she was trying to manipulate me into making a move on her. And I HATE manipulation more than anything. I expected her to initiate the relationship, whether that be asking me out, a confession, a kiss, whatever. SHE had to be the one to do it first because I felt her "hints" were a means to manipulate me. Forcing me to make the first move just so she can pridefully retain the option to reject me at any time. Claiming there was never any attraction. FUCK that. I felt this about a lot of girls- that they were too cowardly to admit that they like me. And that I couldn't respect it. But looking back on it, that was all a harsh, judgmental, and unreasonable rationality. Truthfully, she hadn't done anything wrong. And she was trying her best to reach me. I only later learned that girls struggle with a naturally higher level of anxiety than boys, and thus, it was harder for her to confess to me. Plus, it seems like she had the anxious attachment style (divorced parents). I DO still feel like it turns me on to see a woman take initiative on me, but I've realized that this is something that needs to be communicated- otherwise, they just won't get it. Ultimately, my point is that the fearful avoidant attachment style is inclined to see behaviors that aren't ideal to them as signs of inevitable betrayal. But it's well possible for people to adapt to what their partner wants, it just takes a bit of communication. And it can be hard for avoidants to do communication as well, because they feel that leads to inevitable betrayal as well. Not necessarily true, people can surprise you.
@@dantepatel Hi, yeah I know. This video was more a lowkey introduction to what I’m struggling with and a personal perspective. Thanks for sharing your story, and what you’re saying is true. At the end of the day.. love is a risk, for everyone no matter what your attachment style is, and we have to learn that our past doesn’t have to shape the outcome of our future. Easier said than done tho 😅😂
@Alixir1228 if you were in a relationship, then the situation is a bit different. My problem was cutting off relationships before they could even happen. But for BOTH situations, if you've already told him you love him, the best thing you can do is just back off and let him sort through his own feelings. It's possible he'll come to feel regret later on, I certainly did. But yeah, the best thing any of us can do is just work on ourselves. When we're the best versions of ourselves, I feel a good relationship is inevitable. Was this guy truly a good person? If he treated you like trash while you were being good, then he doesn't deserve you regardless. It doesn't make sense to fret over someone like that. I'm sure you'll find someone that cares about you one day. Just work on yourself. And honestly, I know guys that are confident can be a huge turn-on, but the guys that actually care about you are more liable to be nervous imo. Try to be a good judge of whether or not a guy actually cares.
Uhuh “if they don’t know the battle within, they’re going to battle you out” okkkkkkk that was real cutter this line. I’ve hurt many people in past because I couldn’t let people in, but I’ve been working hard this year to understand the fire and confusion that lies within me. Thank you so much for making this video, it gives me so much inspiration to see another black girl uncover the truth of what avoidant attachment really feels like. God bless you ❤️
@@LadyCandion1 Wauw! Thankyou so much for sharing this! You guys don’t know how much it means to me. Glad to hear that you’ve been working on yourself as well! I hope the journey is going well. Just wanted to let you know that even in times that it feels a bit hard or you’re feeling demotivated, just have grace and patience with yourself, as this a journey that takes a lot of time and re-parenting yourself, it doesn’t happen all at once.. it can take years. So be kind to yourself in the journey 🤍
I’m not an avoidant but I was dating someone who is and learning this information is very eye opening. It helps me understand that it’s not actually personal (even though he told me this many many times) but I don’t think he is open to changing at the moment so I have no choice but to walk away. I hope he’s able to change so he can live a fulfilling life because he is actually a good person at least what I’ve experienced.
@@cassg3062 Aaawh.. really love to hear that my video helped. Loved how you spoke about it from your own experience. Yeah I would walked away if it’s damaging to you, especially if someone is not ready to heal or to work on themselves. At the end of the day, you want a relationship we’re both people can grow and become their better self. And especially the part that you mentioned: “living a fulfilling life”. The moment you’re being aware and start to work towards bettering yourself, you then see that in the middle of all the chaos, you still have a choice 🤍
@@cassg3062 It is true, it’s definitely not personal. And you have to be very conscious is you want to change this pattern, but at the same time I’m not gonna lie.. it’s hard sometimes.. But the reality check of “wanting” to change comes when you clearly see that your patterns are hurting you instead of always protecting you. I think it also has to do with, going out of your comfort zone and taking that risk. Not everyone is ready or can face that.. Love how you shared your story.. Thanks for that
This video helps.. You're right we will suffer if the avoidant isn't truly working on themselves.. He kept saying that he's not perfect, that's the obvious, I loved all of him and his imperfections. But no matter how much I tried to show I cared and understood, he kept getting triggered until I was verbally abused over nothing and then I got blocked, and now I'm free from the suffering.
Being self aware enough to work on yourself is better than 99 percent of people. Please keep going and please show other people especially avoidant ones.
Hi Bettien! I'm David. I'm a fearful avoidant testing securely attached now. I've done a LOT of work on myself. My partner of 5 years is female and avoidant. I just subscribed because this video was so beautifully human and understandable. You had me in tears. You're amazing for opening up like that. Thank you so much. I look forward to more of your videos.
@@davidbulchak9415 Hi David! Thanks a lot for sharing your story. Great to see that you’ve worked on yourself. Thankyou for your message, really appreciate it 🙏🏾
I have a friend who left my friendship with her a month ago. She was avoidant but I still wanna stay in her life and be her friend because I am aware she is suffering too. She's not very self aware and I know it's suffering being her friend but I love her a lot. So I'll go through the pain no matter how many times she pushes me away. I think I'll always accept her back. But I don't think I can befriend any other avoidant. One is enough
@@TheMaskedThearpist Hi! Thanks for sharing your story. "So I'll go trough the pain no matter how many times she pushes me away" - isn't that a bit concerning? Because why would you choose to be connected if it causes you pain? 😊 (Saying this from a place of curiosity)
Its easy to demonize those us who have an avoidant attachment style, BUT REFUSE to understand why we are that way, and the judging from others is one reason why. I tell people if they arent trying to understand me and really know me, leave me alone.
@@w3n33dam1racl3 I think because of the tendencies we might have, it can be perceived as “cold, distant” what makes people back up sometimes. I have had long term relationships and can definitely say that there are enough people there who can have the patience and love towards this attachment style. But the thing is.. we ourselves have to be aware of ourselves so we communicate that in a early stage so that people can understand us better. But I get your frustration tho. I’ve been there as well. People think that we “like” the way we are, but we are struggling as well. Take care, I hope everything will be ok in the end!
You sound defensive instead of seeking working solutions! No one who's healthy will spend their time to continuously pour into a dark space (avoidants ) only to be met with 'thats just how I am ' , it's immature and ridiculous! What might help is getting insight into how to find ways that showcase willingness and action
@thespot2035 No one is going to open up to anyone who treat them like they are abnormal because they don't act like everyone else. That right is one reason why people keep others at a distant. The question is why you feel entitled to know my heart, mind, thoughts,.personality? What makes you worthy of it?
@BettienSarpong Been there, done there. I open up to people who are genuine and authentic towards me, that's only a few I know like that. They never judged me, always included me, didn't ghost me.
@@w3n33dam1racl3 you lack even basic understanding of what being avoidant means, because it definitely doesn't mean being devoid of emotions! By definition,it means you're AWARE of your mediocrity but CHOOSE to continue. So, clearly your mind is set so, STAY.AS.YOU.ARE
Cheers from Maastricht ❤ This was such a balanced view of your own healing yet embracing the fears and pain of those who have wanted to love you. And you gave us free advice. Thank you for your honesty 🙏
I can understannd every single world you've said, and I really hope that your journey becomes better and easier. Much respect for your response towards yourself and your loved ones.. Deciding to get help and sticking to it, that's a decision needs a lot of courage and self respect I've been with a dismissive avoidant the last 5 years of my life.. I tried my best to get her to be aware.. I tried my best to be understanding.. But as you put it sometimes they dont give a shit 💔
@@SalihT98 Hi! Thanks for sharing your message. I do have to say that it isn’t easy sticking to want to change. But if you know it’s for the better, it’s motivating for me. Maybe your girlfriend isn’t ready to face the challenges yet.. But I can imagine at some point you do have to make a decision for yourself.. Especially if you’re the one hurting as well..
I love everything about this video. Thank you for sharing your experience. continue to grow and let go of things no longer serves you. I hope all is well
@@nicoleduncan9341 Thankyou so much for taking the time and commenting. Thanks a lot and I’ll sure continue to grow. I hope you’re doing well. Greetings from The Netherlands!
This is everything! I am so grateful for you sharing your story and spreading the hope, I love this! Please may I ask a question, what can I do to help my partner with their journey challenging their attachment style? Good luck on your journey babe
Like does God not understand that i am tired of going through things that make me stronger lol thank you for being vulnerable and for sharing some much needed words of wisdom
Thank you for your honest video! 🙏❤ These beautiful videos help a lot to understand avoidants. Please continue. ❤ You are beautiful! All the best for you! ❤🌟💫
I have been doing work with studying Object Relations theory including Object Relations and Object use. Adding in my own experience as AVPD I would say that I may not always like intimate connection ( I'm talking about friendships) bc the tenets of what makes friendship was not what I experienced from my parents in my home. Instead the supposed connection with them led to no where. So this help explain part of my aversion to connect - secure connection wasn't there - the secure bond / attachment didn't develop - more Attachment theory than object relations therapy
I'm disorganised so I know the both side. It's just horrible. But I gotta admit I'm THANKFUL to God for giving me at least part of avoidant, because it saved me when I couldn't leave my abusive ex partner. Then the switch finally went to the other side and I could withdraw
@@comeagyn according to majority of the videos I've watched on youtube, avoidants have a high chance of cheating. Yes I've been cheated on and no iam not projecting.
Everyone does NOT hate them. There's NOTHING wrong with. Just like anxiously attached. Blaming them for behaviors deeply engrained into them through trauma. How dare you demonize them. 🫶💪🫂
I loved him so much. And no matter how patient, understanding and loving I was, he pushed me away so hard that I ended up rejecting him. I still love him, I can’t help it. But at some point I had to choose myself.
Yet, he told me from the beginning of his pulling away cycles: “it’s not you, it’s me”.
@@IanuaDiaboli That shows that it has nothing to do with you. I’m glad you choose yourself
You make some really good points! And even tho it hurts me a lot, I must agree with you: if an avoidant is not trying to overcome his issues nor trying to understand why all the emotional shutdowns happen… then their lover must walk away. Two of my ex’s left me for being avoidant, and I had no idea until very recently. Hopefully I will be a different person for my next girlfriend.
Keep sharing these deep insights please!
@@lukaz2040 Thankyou for sharing! Sorry to hear that your exes left you for being avoidant. But at the same time as you said yourself already, you now have seen what your part may be. I wish you healing and a lots of growth. And don’t forget to be kind for yourself in this journey! And thankyou for motivating me, I really appreciate it.
It's important to note that there's 2 types of avoidant: dismissive (from indifference) and fearful (from abuse). Mine was the fearful attachment style, and it's not that complicated. It's the fear of an inevitable betrayal. And similar to other fears, it is subconscious. Anxious attachment people try to cling to their partner in the hopes that some action they can do will convince their partner to not abandon them. But avoidants feel that abandonment is inevitable, so there's no point in even trying. One time, there was a girl that I had the biggest crush on- certain that I was in love with her. And then she dropped the biggest hint on ME!!!! You would think this would be an amazing situation for me, but the strangest thing happened. The moment she dropped that hint, I felt this enormous, lightning surge of pure FEAR course through my entire brain (and maybe even body). In that moment, I said "awkward moment" and shutdown. From then on, how I felt about her completely changed. I started avoiding her and fearing her. And actually, she would start chasing after me. But the more she chased me, the angrier I got- and I'd respond angry.
Consciously, I didn't really see what I was doing. In my mind, she deserved it. I felt like she was trying to manipulate me into making a move on her. And I HATE manipulation more than anything. I expected her to initiate the relationship, whether that be asking me out, a confession, a kiss, whatever. SHE had to be the one to do it first because I felt her "hints" were a means to manipulate me. Forcing me to make the first move just so she can pridefully retain the option to reject me at any time. Claiming there was never any attraction. FUCK that. I felt this about a lot of girls- that they were too cowardly to admit that they like me. And that I couldn't respect it.
But looking back on it, that was all a harsh, judgmental, and unreasonable rationality. Truthfully, she hadn't done anything wrong. And she was trying her best to reach me. I only later learned that girls struggle with a naturally higher level of anxiety than boys, and thus, it was harder for her to confess to me. Plus, it seems like she had the anxious attachment style (divorced parents). I DO still feel like it turns me on to see a woman take initiative on me, but I've realized that this is something that needs to be communicated- otherwise, they just won't get it.
Ultimately, my point is that the fearful avoidant attachment style is inclined to see behaviors that aren't ideal to them as signs of inevitable betrayal. But it's well possible for people to adapt to what their partner wants, it just takes a bit of communication. And it can be hard for avoidants to do communication as well, because they feel that leads to inevitable betrayal as well. Not necessarily true, people can surprise you.
@@dantepatel Hi, yeah I know. This video was more a lowkey introduction to what I’m struggling with and a personal perspective. Thanks for sharing your story, and what you’re saying is true. At the end of the day.. love is a risk, for everyone no matter what your attachment style is, and we have to learn that our past doesn’t have to shape the outcome of our future. Easier said than done tho 😅😂
@Alixir1228 if you were in a relationship, then the situation is a bit different. My problem was cutting off relationships before they could even happen. But for BOTH situations, if you've already told him you love him, the best thing you can do is just back off and let him sort through his own feelings. It's possible he'll come to feel regret later on, I certainly did. But yeah, the best thing any of us can do is just work on ourselves. When we're the best versions of ourselves, I feel a good relationship is inevitable.
Was this guy truly a good person? If he treated you like trash while you were being good, then he doesn't deserve you regardless. It doesn't make sense to fret over someone like that. I'm sure you'll find someone that cares about you one day. Just work on yourself. And honestly, I know guys that are confident can be a huge turn-on, but the guys that actually care about you are more liable to be nervous imo. Try to be a good judge of whether or not a guy actually cares.
Uhuh “if they don’t know the battle within, they’re going to battle you out” okkkkkkk that was real cutter this line. I’ve hurt many people in past because I couldn’t let people in, but I’ve been working hard this year to understand the fire and confusion that lies within me. Thank you so much for making this video, it gives me so much inspiration to see another black girl uncover the truth of what avoidant attachment really feels like. God bless you ❤️
@@LadyCandion1 Wauw! Thankyou so much for sharing this! You guys don’t know how much it means to me. Glad to hear that you’ve been working on yourself as well! I hope the journey is going well. Just wanted to let you know that even in times that it feels a bit hard or you’re feeling demotivated, just have grace and patience with yourself, as this a journey that takes a lot of time and re-parenting yourself, it doesn’t happen all at once.. it can take years. So be kind to yourself in the journey 🤍
I’m not an avoidant but I was dating someone who is and learning this information is very eye opening. It helps me understand that it’s not actually personal (even though he told me this many many times) but I don’t think he is open to changing at the moment so I have no choice but to walk away. I hope he’s able to change so he can live a fulfilling life because he is actually a good person at least what I’ve experienced.
@@cassg3062 Aaawh.. really love to hear that my video helped. Loved how you spoke about it from your own experience. Yeah I would walked away if it’s damaging to you, especially if someone is not ready to heal or to work on themselves. At the end of the day, you want a relationship we’re both people can grow and become their better self. And especially the part that you mentioned: “living a fulfilling life”. The moment you’re being aware and start to work towards bettering yourself, you then see that in the middle of all the chaos, you still have a choice 🤍
@@cassg3062 It is true, it’s definitely not personal. And you have to be very conscious is you want to change this pattern, but at the same time I’m not gonna lie.. it’s hard sometimes.. But the reality check of “wanting” to change comes when you clearly see that your patterns are hurting you instead of always protecting you. I think it also has to do with, going out of your comfort zone and taking that risk. Not everyone is ready or can face that.. Love how you shared your story.. Thanks for that
This video helps..
You're right we will suffer if the avoidant isn't truly working on themselves..
He kept saying that he's not perfect, that's the obvious, I loved all of him and his imperfections. But no matter how much I tried to show I cared and understood, he kept getting triggered until I was verbally abused over nothing and then I got blocked, and now I'm free from the suffering.
@@cleopetra87 Sorry to hear that tho. Glad the suffering stopt now
Being self aware enough to work on yourself is better than 99 percent of people. Please keep going and please show other people especially avoidant ones.
@@taylorbee4010 Thankyou so much 🙏🏾
Hi Bettien! I'm David. I'm a fearful avoidant testing securely attached now. I've done a LOT of work on myself. My partner of 5 years is female and avoidant. I just subscribed because this video was so beautifully human and understandable. You had me in tears. You're amazing for opening up like that. Thank you so much. I look forward to more of your videos.
@@davidbulchak9415 Hi David! Thanks a lot for sharing your story. Great to see that you’ve worked on yourself. Thankyou for your message, really appreciate it 🙏🏾
Your brave af to be able to face yourself.. Recognizing patterns and taking accountability are the hardest parts. Good luck on your journey❤
@@DarkCentaur24 Thanks a lot. I really appreciate it 🙏🏾
I have a friend who left my friendship with her a month ago. She was avoidant but I still wanna stay in her life and be her friend because I am aware she is suffering too. She's not very self aware and I know it's suffering being her friend but I love her a lot. So I'll go through the pain no matter how many times she pushes me away. I think I'll always accept her back. But I don't think I can befriend any other avoidant. One is enough
@@TheMaskedThearpist Hi! Thanks for sharing your story. "So I'll go trough the pain no matter how many times she pushes me away" - isn't that a bit concerning? Because why would you choose to be connected if it causes you pain? 😊 (Saying this from a place of curiosity)
I'm a low-key icon. From one to another. I want to tell you to keep going with these deep in-depth thoughts. This helped me.
@@senseirings1958 I’m so glad to hear this! Good to know that it helped you. And thanks for watching ✨
Its easy to demonize those us who have an avoidant attachment style, BUT REFUSE to understand why we are that way, and the judging from others is one reason why. I tell people if they arent trying to understand me and really know me, leave me alone.
@@w3n33dam1racl3 I think because of the tendencies we might have, it can be perceived as “cold, distant” what makes people back up sometimes. I have had long term relationships and can definitely say that there are enough people there who can have the patience and love towards this attachment style. But the thing is.. we ourselves have to be aware of ourselves so we communicate that in a early stage so that people can understand us better. But I get your frustration tho. I’ve been there as well. People think that we “like” the way we are, but we are struggling as well. Take care, I hope everything will be ok in the end!
You sound defensive instead of seeking working solutions! No one who's healthy will spend their time to continuously pour into a dark space (avoidants ) only to be met with 'thats just how I am ' , it's immature and ridiculous!
What might help is getting insight into how to find ways that showcase willingness and action
@thespot2035 No one is going to open up to anyone who treat them like they are abnormal because they don't act like everyone else. That right is one reason why people keep others at a distant. The question is why you feel entitled to know my heart, mind, thoughts,.personality? What makes you worthy of it?
@BettienSarpong Been there, done there. I open up to people who are genuine and authentic towards me, that's only a few I know like that. They never judged me, always included me, didn't ghost me.
@@w3n33dam1racl3 you lack even basic understanding of what being avoidant means, because it definitely doesn't mean being devoid of emotions! By definition,it means you're AWARE of your mediocrity but CHOOSE to continue. So, clearly your mind is set so, STAY.AS.YOU.ARE
Cheers from Maastricht ❤ This was such a balanced view of your own healing yet embracing the fears and pain of those who have wanted to love you. And you gave us free advice. Thank you for your honesty 🙏
@@LiyahLova Aaawhhhh thankyou so much for taking the time to leave a comment 🤍
I can understannd every single world you've said, and I really hope that your journey becomes better and easier. Much respect for your response towards yourself and your loved ones.. Deciding to get help and sticking to it, that's a decision needs a lot of courage and self respect
I've been with a dismissive avoidant the last 5 years of my life.. I tried my best to get her to be aware.. I tried my best to be understanding.. But as you put it sometimes they dont give a shit 💔
@@SalihT98 Hi! Thanks for sharing your message. I do have to say that it isn’t easy sticking to want to change. But if you know it’s for the better, it’s motivating for me. Maybe your girlfriend isn’t ready to face the challenges yet.. But I can imagine at some point you do have to make a decision for yourself.. Especially if you’re the one hurting as well..
this is beautiful, thank you for sharing
@@bryndaney Thankyouuuuu! Really appreciate it 🤍
I love everything about this video. Thank you for sharing your experience. continue to grow and let go of things no longer serves you. I hope all is well
@@nicoleduncan9341 Thankyou so much for taking the time and commenting. Thanks a lot and I’ll sure continue to grow. I hope you’re doing well. Greetings from The Netherlands!
Beautiful articulation. Thanks for sharing.
@@KaylonHunt Thanks a lot
I’m so glad you made this video ❤
@@Rhonorr I’m so glad you liked it 🤍
This is everything! I am so grateful for you sharing your story and spreading the hope, I love this! Please may I ask a question, what can I do to help my partner with their journey challenging their attachment style? Good luck on your journey babe
Like does God not understand that i am tired of going through things that make me stronger lol thank you for being vulnerable and for sharing some much needed words of wisdom
@@nonodlamini Hahahaha righttttttt. Gods strongest soldier! lol. Thankyou a lot 🙏🏾
Thank you for your honest video! 🙏❤ These beautiful videos help a lot to understand avoidants. Please continue. ❤
You are beautiful! All the best for you! ❤🌟💫
@@piamp1454 Thankyouuuu so much 🤍
Very insightful ❤
@@HUeducator2011 Thanks a lot 🙏🏾
I have been doing work with studying Object Relations theory including Object Relations and Object use. Adding in my own experience as AVPD I would say that I may not always like intimate connection ( I'm talking about friendships) bc the tenets of what makes friendship was not what I experienced from my parents in my home. Instead the supposed connection with them led to no where. So this help explain part of my aversion to connect - secure connection wasn't there - the secure bond / attachment didn't develop - more Attachment theory than object relations therapy
Thanks for sharing this! Really appreciate it
You're amazing!!
@@leishab.5485 Thanks a lot. I really appreciate it ☺️!
I'm disorganised so I know the both side. It's just horrible. But I gotta admit I'm THANKFUL to God for giving me at least part of avoidant, because it saved me when I couldn't leave my abusive ex partner. Then the switch finally went to the other side and I could withdraw
@@JustinaSmh Yeah I can totally understand that part
wow, just wow
@@GunjanChavan Thanks a lot! I really appreciate it
Good video
@@deepthoughts87-d4s Thanks a lot!
Were you faithful?
Are you faithful?
@@Stevengomez-j6q is that your business? sounds like you were cheated on and wanna project it somewhere to get answers.
@@comeagyn according to majority of the videos I've watched on youtube, avoidants have a high chance of cheating.
Yes I've been cheated on and no iam not projecting.
@comeagyn do you know your attachment style?
Everyone does NOT hate them. There's NOTHING wrong with. Just like anxiously attached. Blaming them for behaviors deeply engrained into them through trauma. How dare you demonize them. 🫶💪🫂