@@TheBassManBoy wow - how is this system allowed to continue? I'd never heard of this judge before watching this video, but surely he should be removed from any position of authority.
I know this video isn't sponsored by Beard Blaze, but I have to say something about it. I ordered a bottle of Beardruff and sadly it arrived broken. Within 10 minutes of emailing Simon's team, I had a response saying they would ship another bottle. 5 minutes later I had a tracking number. The new bottle arrived a few days later with a hand written note that said "shouldn't break this time" and a smiley. The bottle was wrapped in bubble wrap, cotton balls, foam, more bubble wrap. It had both my wife and I cracking up. Fantastic customer service and a fantastic product! I'll be purchasing more when I use up this bottle. Thanks Simon!
The first one doesn’t make any sense, The Onion would never create a title as believable as “Texas Judge overrules jury because God said so.” Have you been to Texas?
That's why I avoid the south. I can't believe a place where up to 40% of the entire population was infested with hookworms until the mid 1900s, because of how ignorant and primitive they actively chose to remain, has a say in modern society. People don't realize how terrible it really is down there, because they have an excellent propaganda machine that passed a population of people wasting away from internal parasites off as charmingly laid back. Hookworm can only be caught by walking barefoot on ground contaminated with infected shit, because they burrow in to your bloodstream through the bottom of your feet. Disgusting and horrifying, right? This is all actually 100% true, you can look it up.
@@ananthropomorphictalkinggo6641 I’ve never even heard such a thing. You know how I know you’re triggered 😤 😂 this is the funniest comment ever. Lol you’re nuts!!
@@brainblaze6526 it was 5-6 minutes, including a short ad teaser, compared to the typical 10-12. Sounds like not enough business blaze has been recorded recently and the other channels got you comfortable with normal intros 😂
There was that time a few years ago when The Onion had a story about Congressional Republicans taking a group of schoolkids hostage and demanding safe passage to a non-extradition country...
"There must be something that tipped the cops off that he'd pull out a gun" Yeah, it's called being a Floridian. They'll shoot you for taking their newspaper.
@@yoholup19 like how governments will screw up a pandemic response and that was back in 2019. Satire has to have an element of truth in it and most people who do it are often the ones who see the world differently.
In Shakespearen tradition we turn a noun into a verb. Onioned: Having fallen for a parody Not knowing The Weird Al Story was parody, we were onioned untill Madonna showed up.
Once upon a time I woke up at 3am to get a snack but stopped to listen to a televangelist (spelling doesnt look right there) and of course, asking for donations. BUT his hook was: "i was an atheist and then I donated $20,000 dollars to a televangelist I saw on TV and he gave me his Lamborghini, now I believe" I didn't sleep for a week because I just couldn't stop laughing
I wonder what happens if you send the tele-evangelist faith healer an NSF check? You cant be charged with getting something without paying for it because you didn't get anything for it. There must be a law against it anyhow.
I was sitting in a bean bag chair, naked, eating cheetos one time. As I was flipping through channels I stopped on a televangelist. He was staring at me. He said "Are you lonely?" Yeah "Have you wasted your life in bars in pursuit of the sins of the flesh?" Uh huh! "Are you sitting in a bean bag chair, naked, eating Cheetos?" Yes, sir! 😲 "Do you feel the urge to get up and send me $1000?" ....Close! I thought he was actually talking to me there. - Ron White
@@bobs6888 i used to see Ron from time to time at an AA meeting I went to regularly in Atlanta. He’s even more hilarious just sitting around and chatting with him than he is on stage
@@bobs6888 I think in that situation there's an implied contract (not 100% sure that's the correct term) so basically because you heard or saw someone from the church saying you will be blessed If you donate or If they just ask for donations, then by sending them a check after they receive it a contract is formed with the implication that you will pay the amount on the check to them. I'm not sure if they can enforce it if say the check bounced, also even if there is I can't imagine anyone ever bothering to do so. It's bad pr for them, it likely will cost more to go to trial than the donation amount and it's likely simply not worth the time. (I couldn't figure out what you meant by nsf check also I'm not a lawyer and the above is not legal advice,.)
I’m afraid it was the work of a truly corrupt “president” sinking into the depths of madness who doesn’t give a fuck as to how many people he kills or ruins on the way down. I am guilty of voting for him in 2016. I learned my lesson as we watched him let so many Americans die from COVID due to the lack of action on his part. Yes, the Capitol attack is 100 percent on him. Simon, in this case you have to agree that dogs are so much better than this “person”.
A man was arrested locally for abusing his months old child in a way that medical examiners say matches a high speed car accidents worth of force. I think the death penalty is wrong generally, but making this guy a crash test dummy would be alright
Business Blaze scripts in 2019: "Here's a neat story from the history of a well known company!" Business Blaze scripts in 2021: *Simon drunkenly scrolling through social media* "DANNY WRITE ME A SCRIPT ABOUT THIS MAN PRETENDING TO BE A PIZZA HUT!"
@@brainblaze6526 you legit just need a new power supply. This should work, just make sure the voltage on the old transformer is close to this one's: www.amazon.com/dp/B09531NZGX/ Cut the wires on the old wires and connect them to the new wires with wire nuts and electrical tape OR heat shrink crimp connectors, pliers, and a lighter. Edit: big wires go to the wall, you can connect it directly to an eu plug. Small wires go to the neon sign wires
Welp, at the risk of sounding completely insane, as of today I have officially watched every single Business Blaze video. It has taken me a few months to work through the entire back catalogue but I can honestly say that I do not regret it in the least! Thank you Simon, Danny and Sam for all of your work! As odd as it may sound these videos have been one of the few things keeping me relatively sane over the last few months.
@@KS-PNW bruh... It's a joke. I own guns, and it is probably safe to say that enough people own guns in the US that if police are going raid someone, assume they have a firearm somewhere in the house.
Snorted coffee out of my nose at that Jesus meme timed with Simon saying " the Lord God almighty!" 😂😂😂 The blaze gold that keeps me coming back for more.
About 15 years ago my hometown's mayor was also the local drug dealer. You could often find him on a street corner selling to teenagers. And the sheriff was my former high school classmate who used to do drugs on the bus ride to school. Surprisingly I'm not from Florida.
Heyyyyy! I'm litterally in the process of quitting smoking right now and was complaining yesterday about how bad the gum tastes. Ordering this right now, will update after trying!
Thanks so much for your videos. My country (USA) is going through some terrifying times right now and it's so easy to become too obsessed by watching news videos (it's also too depressing). You can always be counted on to provide diversion and sometimes help to restore psychic balance.
I'm American-ish (1/2 British.) My American half only runs if something with big teeth is chasing me. Were it a person/the law, I'd give it a go, then sit down & say, panting, "OK. What exactly are we talking here? What do you plan to do to me? Is it really worth this trouble?"
I can see Simon as an American televangelist. Picture him speaking in tongues, laying hands and telling you to plant your seed and give the church your last $1,000 and you will get back twice as much, somehow. I'd pay to see that once 🤯
I *wish* things were like an Onion article right about now. This entire week of news here in the U.S. reads like some fantastical beginning to a dystopian novel.
Week? This has been building since at least the 2008 financial crisis. Antifa and the trump supporters both agree on one thing the systems broken and needs to go. Cities burned for 8 months and now ots not just the left rioting. Forget brave new world and 1984 and go read about the dpanish civil war the early risemof musolini and the Weimar republic. America is politically fractured broken country where both the right and left feel betrayed by the government and think both.it and other side is a great evil and from that no matter who comenout on top its going to be ugly
Man, you don't make enough of these. Feels like I had to wait forever to see another vid on this channel. By far this is the most entertaining channel you have.
I'm a huge introvert so this is the second and last time I'll ask this on the blaze. Could you do a video on Qdoba and how it's a legal pyramid scheme that bankrupts small towns thank you for listening.
No way! I just watched Spitting Image for the first time yesterday, right here on UA-cam. They do pretty excellent trump/pence/pelosi/etc. skits that are super accurate. It's a brilliant show.
11:08 : Okay, so I'm suing. I've never been even remotely toxic. Even my brussel sprout farts smell like daffodils. You will hear from my lawyers Flywheel, Shyster and Flywheel.
I ACTUALLY have some disposal aluminum McDonald's ashtrays from way back in the day! I'm so tempted to put a couple out as a prank to see how many people light up 🚬
Is it just me or is Simon even more random and rambling in this video than normal? I'm not complaining at all 🤣 Simon rambling is the best kind of Simon.
Simon/Business Blaze, Not only am I excited to see a Blaze about my neck of the woods, but it also involves my line of work. To answer your remarks about ‘the people who oversee these things’ in regards to Criminal District Courts. There are 477 criminal district courts in Texas, each of which is presided over by a District Judge. There is an oversight board of three or five judges that can review proceedings, but there is no automatic review. Additionally the State Bar of Texas acts a the regulator of attorneys/lawyers. The State Bar can sanction an attorney (practicing judge). Really though, in Texas voters choose District Judges. In many cases electing judges can be problematic. In most other cases though, electing district judges can reflect the character/values of the community. I am lucky enough to have helped elected a handful of district judges just north of Comal County, in Travis County, Texas. Comal County, which includes several small cities sporadically mixes Spanish Colonial History, a large military population, and the ‘Texas German’ influences in a quirky way. It makes perfect sense then that a cowboy who talks to god would be elected District Judge. “I guess the only cure is Austin, for the Comal County Blues.” - Jason Boland
There is a saying in Sweden: "Man kan fan inte vara satiriker i det här landet längre." Roghly translated: "You can't fucking make satire in this country anymore" I think it kinda applies to the world.
OMG Simon you've got that southern hellfire and brimstone dialed in!!!! 😂🤣 Second career indeed. That British televangelist is pretty funny, too. 😹 Give me more!!!! Please!!! 💚✌️
Thanks Simon, your video's got me through lockdown and quarantine in 2020 and I'm still enjoying your content even though I'm now in a covid free country!
Being from Florida (unfortunately), I'm not surprised with the case of the Mayors... You can do a series on florida man news... Even recently, we had a city council (including the mayor) recently arrested on fraud charges... Even the FBI was involved...
When talking about the reasons why a women ceo would be specifically chosen, due to her gender, I keep thinking about others whom were chosen for high positions of power, because of their gender
I had an employee once who was a danger to himself and all around him. He was the literal personification of "The Born Loser", but he also had been through a lot of things in life. One day, a deaf man tried to place an order and was getting frustrated at my lack of understanding. Suddenly, loser guy starts signing at the guy as if he had been born deaf himself. He probably would have shit his pants at the "interpreter" in the video.
And sometime the Onion is unexpectedly prophetic. My favorite (and still available on-line) is from 17-JAN-2001, "Bush: 'Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over'
@@Kiki-vc1xo yeah it was in 2019 I think? Maybe a year or two earlier? I had already given up on satire news sites, saw that headline, and thought "wow, the onion is getting desperate huh?" Then I realized it wasn't the onion, it was on sites like Time and CNN
I was really entertained by how some words were spot-on but then some sprinkled in were totally in his usual accent and sounded incongruent and hilarious XD
One of my favorite ur-Onion stories was a newsreel story put out by the BBC on April 1st sometime in the late 1950s--a puff piece about the Italian spaghetti harvest, showing farmgirls delicately picking the spaghetti out of trees.
Go to thld.co/lucy_blaze and use the promo code blaze for 20% off your order today!
First. Kinda.
@@AnonEyeMouse close enough
Early buisness blaze crew yea lol
I like the kind of Lucy you put under your tongue, allegedly
I read this quickly as 'porno code' and was like HELL YEAH BLAZE!!
In Texas, judges are elected. So a generous donation to their next campaign is indistinguishable from a bribe.
oh good. that seems sensible.
Plus he ran unopposed the last time he was elected in 2014, so any donation is either gathering dust or paying for some "campaign expenses".
@@TheBassManBoy wow - how is this system allowed to continue? I'd never heard of this judge before watching this video, but surely he should be removed from any position of authority.
Wouldn't be surprised if he was a client of the defendant.
@@Daithai96, it's known here as "the good'ol boys club"
apparently this video is brought to us by copious amounts of cocaine, judging by simons energy levels....
Allegedly
ALWAYS
Cue clouds of cocaine *pffffffffffffff*
The Whistler AI had a firmware upgrade January second, we still have to downtune the exciter a bit. We'll have him fixed by February.
@@brainblaze6526 if I ever see him in real life I’m going to offer him lines. Allegedly...
Yay back to BLAZING, I started to get worried Danny escaped over the holidays.
Whoa
Who tf left the door unlocked?
@Chadwin Cuckslayer Danny doesn’t know about the gps tracker
Danny has not and will never escape. ALLEGEDLY
I just love that this is a thing
You beat me to it!
I know this video isn't sponsored by Beard Blaze, but I have to say something about it. I ordered a bottle of Beardruff and sadly it arrived broken. Within 10 minutes of emailing Simon's team, I had a response saying they would ship another bottle. 5 minutes later I had a tracking number.
The new bottle arrived a few days later with a hand written note that said "shouldn't break this time" and a smiley. The bottle was wrapped in bubble wrap, cotton balls, foam, more bubble wrap. It had both my wife and I cracking up.
Fantastic customer service and a fantastic product! I'll be purchasing more when I use up this bottle. Thanks Simon!
The first one doesn’t make any sense, The Onion would never create a title as believable as “Texas Judge overrules jury because God said so.” Have you been to Texas?
Hahaha
I was thinking the same thing. He doesn’t know Texas a bit 😂
I have and you are correct
That's why I avoid the south. I can't believe a place where up to 40% of the entire population was infested with hookworms until the mid 1900s, because of how ignorant and primitive they actively chose to remain, has a say in modern society. People don't realize how terrible it really is down there, because they have an excellent propaganda machine that passed a population of people wasting away from internal parasites off as charmingly laid back. Hookworm can only be caught by walking barefoot on ground contaminated with infected shit, because they burrow in to your bloodstream through the bottom of your feet. Disgusting and horrifying, right? This is all actually 100% true, you can look it up.
@@ananthropomorphictalkinggo6641 I’ve never even heard such a thing. You know how I know you’re triggered 😤 😂 this is the funniest comment ever. Lol you’re nuts!!
"That was a long introduction!" As if they weren't ALL long introductions.
Honestly love the long introductions lol
@@CanadianSnowflake Me too, especially the tidbits about Danny
True true. But this one felt particularly long somehow.
@@brainblaze6526 it was 5-6 minutes, including a short ad teaser, compared to the typical 10-12. Sounds like not enough business blaze has been recorded recently and the other channels got you comfortable with normal intros 😂
I thought the whole video was an introduction.
Yesterday was when real life collided with notTheOnion.
"The US Stages Fake Coup to Wipe Out National Debt" Onion News Network c. 2009
There was that time a few years ago when The Onion had a story about Congressional Republicans taking a group of schoolkids hostage and demanding safe passage to a non-extradition country...
Damn... truth.
@@lmpeters sounds like truth to me.
Probablymy favourite Onion headline: Supreme Court Overturns Car. That or 'Jurisprudence Fetishist Gets Off On A Technicality'
Can we tack on jan. 6th, 2021 to this video. The entire day, all of it and a bit of today this morning.
"The US Stages Fake Coup to Wipe Out National Debt" Onion News Network c. 2009
To even start to unwrap what the fuck happened yesterday, hes gunna need to dedicate a whole new channel lol
It was Jan 7th over here btw
@@CanadianSnowflake don't go giving him ideas.
"There must be something that tipped the cops off that he'd pull out a gun"
Yeah, it's called being a Floridian. They'll shoot you for taking their newspaper.
Good
I mean, they recently pulled out a gun and pointed it at a kid while trying to get a computer from an unarmed "reporter"
"I take it back, it is Florida" hahahaha Made my day!
Yeah, I knew about that because my Dad lived in Port Richey, and through that whole rant I'm just like "wait for it"...
I grew up in Tampa Bay... Florida has ALWAYS been weird.
@@Rubix003 isn’t Florida built on coke money? Especially Miami
ASL interpreter warns of bear monster. Maybe they just didn't understand his accent?
There are accents in BSL (British sign language) actually.
@@Davey-Boyd it’s not an accent though, it’s a different language… just like how ASL isn’t English
@@aphrog649 I know. But BSL does have regional accents.
Simon you've been holding out on us!
That Southern Evangelist accent was glorious!!
Simon really underestimates America when it comes to how batshit crazy we can be.
It says something when a foreigner halfway around the world is aware how crazy Florida is.
Considering the events of the past day or two... I’m not sure that it *can* be properly comprehended by a typical human mind...
Hey-... yeah no you’re right
@@darkwinter6028 depends how much a person liked Donnie Dumpsterfire
to most canadians, y'all been off your rocker for _years_
@@LoPhatKao say what you want, but orange man is a 1000x better choice than 🇨🇳 Chairman Jao Bai-Din 🇨🇳
"So the message to deaf people was heard loud and clear"
Sam got the joke! 🤣
People mistaking the onion for true news are said to "eat the onion." For example if someone believed a satire story, they "ate the onion."
I like it.
Except they ended up predicting some stuff correctly
@@yoholup19 like how governments will screw up a pandemic response and that was back in 2019. Satire has to have an element of truth in it and most people who do it are often the ones who see the world differently.
In Shakespearen tradition we turn a noun into a verb. Onioned: Having fallen for a parody
Not knowing The Weird Al Story was parody, we were onioned untill Madonna showed up.
My company was nominated as “woman owned business of the year- Fresno county” I’m 43 y.o. Male... 🤷🏼♂️
Once upon a time I woke up at 3am to get a snack but stopped to listen to a televangelist (spelling doesnt look right there) and of course, asking for donations. BUT his hook was: "i was an atheist and then I donated $20,000 dollars to a televangelist I saw on TV and he gave me his Lamborghini, now I believe"
I didn't sleep for a week because I just couldn't stop laughing
oh no
I wonder what happens if you send the tele-evangelist faith healer an NSF check? You cant be charged with getting something without paying for it because you didn't get anything for it. There must be a law against it anyhow.
I was sitting in a bean bag chair, naked, eating cheetos one time. As I was flipping through channels I stopped on a televangelist. He was staring at me.
He said "Are you lonely?"
Yeah
"Have you wasted your life in bars in pursuit of the sins of the flesh?"
Uh huh!
"Are you sitting in a bean bag chair, naked, eating Cheetos?"
Yes, sir! 😲
"Do you feel the urge to get up and send me $1000?"
....Close! I thought he was actually talking to me there.
- Ron White
@@bobs6888 i used to see Ron from time to time at an AA meeting I went to regularly in Atlanta. He’s even more hilarious just sitting around and chatting with him than he is on stage
@@bobs6888 I think in that situation there's an implied contract (not 100% sure that's the correct term) so basically because you heard or saw someone from the church saying you will be blessed If you donate or If they just ask for donations, then by sending them a check after they receive it a contract is formed with the implication that you will pay the amount on the check to them. I'm not sure if they can enforce it if say the check bounced, also even if there is I can't imagine anyone ever bothering to do so. It's bad pr for them, it likely will cost more to go to trial than the donation amount and it's likely simply not worth the time. (I couldn't figure out what you meant by nsf check also I'm not a lawyer and the above is not legal advice,.)
Please tell me that whole thing at the US Capitol yesterday was just The Onion pranking everyone...
No, it was just the apotheosis of our sociopolitical decline. Not a prank, but soon to be forgotten. @_@
"The US Stages Fake Coup to Wipe Out National Debt" Onion News Network c. 2009
@@Brownyman Hey, that's not a bad idea! Banana republic, he we go!!🌞🍌🍊🍍🥭
We passed banana republic in the 2000s. For the record, it wasn't socialism that made US look like Venezuela.
I’m afraid it was the work of a truly corrupt “president” sinking into the depths of madness who doesn’t give a fuck as to how many people he kills or ruins on the way down. I am guilty of voting for him in 2016. I learned my lesson as we watched him let so many Americans die from COVID due to the lack of action on his part. Yes, the Capitol attack is 100 percent on him. Simon, in this case you have to agree that dogs are so much better than this “person”.
Simon, fyi, I think you qualify as a Blazangelist.
finally
Now that should be on a tshirt
My favorite was the Viking longboat found on the Mississippi River that wound up on main stream media pages.
The story of Uber trying to get a female CEO reminds me of Raid Shadow Legends trying to get Simon to advertise them....
Ooh, and the guy from Fact Fiend too
New idea for you Simon, onion or not.
Oh I like it.
*DO IT DANNY!*
DAAAANNNNNNYYY!!! Get back in the basement!
2020 edition, asking people from 2019
*whip cracking in Danny’s direction intensifies* make it so
That was the best American Televangelist impersonation I've ever heard, bravo sir!
My favorite Onion headline of all time is very understated: "Local Poet Uses Water As Metaphor."
Simon Whistler - Self-Proclaimed Certified Legend...
Allegedly
Self-certified
A man was arrested locally for abusing his months old child in a way that medical examiners say matches a high speed car accidents worth of force. I think the death penalty is wrong generally, but making this guy a crash test dummy would be alright
If a case is declared a mistrial, the entire case is usually thrown out, and the defendant can still be tried again, as no verdict was reachd. 8:34.
Hell, mistrials typically favor defendants because evidence degrades and testimony becomes less reliable over time
Business Blaze scripts in 2019: "Here's a neat story from the history of a well known company!"
Business Blaze scripts in 2021: *Simon drunkenly scrolling through social media* "DANNY WRITE ME A SCRIPT ABOUT THIS MAN PRETENDING TO BE A PIZZA HUT!"
Don't you mean drunk and high on cocaine?
I really want to see that blue "WS" light shining again....
the dream
@@brainblaze6526 you legit just need a new power supply. This should work, just make sure the voltage on the old transformer is close to this one's:
www.amazon.com/dp/B09531NZGX/
Cut the wires on the old wires and connect them to the new wires with wire nuts and electrical tape OR heat shrink crimp connectors, pliers, and a lighter.
Edit: big wires go to the wall, you can connect it directly to an eu plug. Small wires go to the neon sign wires
I was just wondering when the next business blaze video would be out. So happy to wake up to this
:)
Welp, at the risk of sounding completely insane, as of today I have officially watched every single Business Blaze video. It has taken me a few months to work through the entire back catalogue but I can honestly say that I do not regret it in the least! Thank you Simon, Danny and Sam for all of your work! As odd as it may sound these videos have been one of the few things keeping me relatively sane over the last few months.
Absolute legend.
"Why do you need a SWAT team?"
More guns=more murica. But really, better to assume someone has a gun at this point.
Hahaha, well, they were right. They totally did need a SWAT team ;D
Good
That and they already paid for the equipment might as well use it
I mean crime in America has declined dramatically over the past 4 decades but sure, let's pretend it's more dangerous...
@@KS-PNW bruh... It's a joke. I own guns, and it is probably safe to say that enough people own guns in the US that if police are going raid someone, assume they have a firearm somewhere in the house.
Any headline that lists "Florida Man" needs at least 2 swat teams and the National Guard. I find the response with a single swat team to be reserved.
I love how it took Simon less than 40 seconds to remember which part of America he was talking about at 22 minutes in.
Snorted coffee out of my nose at that Jesus meme timed with Simon saying " the Lord God almighty!" 😂😂😂
The blaze gold that keeps me coming back for more.
7:20 Simon would fit into the Bible Belt culture as if he were one of our own. Could even be a Congressman.
My next career move.
"TripAdvisor NOOO!"
I nearly shoot my drink out my nose.
Well done Master of the Blaze
I knew Florida Man would be in this video. In this one, he became mayor.
About 15 years ago my hometown's mayor was also the local drug dealer. You could often find him on a street corner selling to teenagers. And the sheriff was my former high school classmate who used to do drugs on the bus ride to school. Surprisingly I'm not from Florida.
We missed you! Litterally checked everyday for new episodes thinking my post notifications weren't working.
Heyyyyy! I'm litterally in the process of quitting smoking right now and was complaining yesterday about how bad the gum tastes. Ordering this right now, will update after trying!
“Gas him like a badger “ priceless
That southern preacher impression is so spot on!!! Lmao I’m rolling over here, cheers from Iowa
I needed my Business Blaze fix, it's like crack.
Allegedly
Only the best from Colombia can be used, .co
Beagle UK sniff sniff
Donald Trump jr’s magical shouting powder
@@cliffordsherman7702 allegedly
Thanks so much for your videos. My country (USA) is going through some terrifying times right now and it's so easy to become too obsessed by watching news videos (it's also too depressing). You can always be counted on to provide diversion and sometimes help to restore psychic balance.
Simon: "Most people wouldn't go on the run"
Me: Simon hasn't been been to America lately now has he?
Well... Some people are far-too-busy still trying to find a cure for pancakes...
@@TheMrEcks apparently!! lol
“Most people won’t go on the run” Simon seriously underestimates (or over) Americans
💯% Lol.
I'm American-ish (1/2 British.) My American half only runs if something with big teeth is chasing me. Were it a person/the law, I'd give it a go, then sit down & say, panting, "OK. What exactly are we talking here? What do you plan to do to me? Is it really worth this trouble?"
LOL and 2 minutes later Simon totally understood the need for the SWAT team. 🤣
@@audreyr.johnson8965 haha that’s good to know, and totally agree with the big teeth remark!
The only channel where I don’t skip the ad read
legend
Same here, but I vape, sooooo...
I can see Simon as an American televangelist. Picture him speaking in tongues, laying hands and telling you to plant your seed and give the church your last $1,000 and you will get back twice as much, somehow.
I'd pay to see that once 🤯
"Patriots waving the Confederate Flag enter the US Capitol"
That was the most Florida Florida-man of all time.
Florida mayer is ultimate Florida man.
@@brainblaze6526 - Simon, it is "mayOr". You were confusing it with the guy who runs the small town of Metro Goldwyn.
"the comedy fake news" I believe there's a word for that, satire. At least Danny remembered the word existed
Lol I noticed the edit. Gonna guess the Danny part came after laughing at Simon and immediately writing the comment
@@DayZeroChannel yep
Isnt that CNN?
I think that's Fox news
Guys, he said COMEDY. CNN or fox would have to be funny for them to qualify.
"There must be something that tipped them off that hes probably gonna get a gun out" You already said it. They're in Florida
I *wish* things were like an Onion article right about now. This entire week of news here in the U.S. reads like some fantastical beginning to a dystopian novel.
Week? This has been building since at least the 2008 financial crisis.
Antifa and the trump supporters both agree on one thing the systems broken and needs to go. Cities burned for 8 months and now ots not just the left rioting. Forget brave new world and 1984 and go read about the dpanish civil war the early risemof musolini and the Weimar republic.
America is politically fractured broken country where both the right and left feel betrayed by the government and think both.it and other side is a great evil and from that no matter who comenout on top its going to be ugly
Man, you don't make enough of these. Feels like I had to wait forever to see another vid on this channel. By far this is the most entertaining channel you have.
"I take it back! Should of sent the swat team" Love it! Hope I can use it! Put it on a shirt!
You're right on time. Sane madness of your channel seems soothing these days.
i remember seeing the sign language live it was so funny when they told us they just walked in lol
Dude, Phil Collins is an absolute legend
his Tarzan soundtrack is SO good
Is Phil short for Philliam or Philbert?
@@kai990
phildeez
@@kai990 Philocrates
Philandering
@@kai990 Yes
"Doesn't taste like ass" --How has no one used this as a brand slogan before now???
They struggle to get volunteers for the blind taste test required to back it up.
Honestly, all the nicotine gum I've tried tastes good. I don't think this is an issue anymore haha.
I'm a huge introvert so this is the second and last time I'll ask this on the blaze. Could you do a video on Qdoba and how it's a legal pyramid scheme that bankrupts small towns thank you for listening.
In this episode, Simon suddenly remembers Florida Mans all come from Florida.
Was getting worried that Danny and Sam had escaped the basement Simon. Glad everyone is locked up safe
No way! I just watched Spitting Image for the first time yesterday, right here on UA-cam. They do pretty excellent trump/pence/pelosi/etc. skits that are super accurate. It's a brilliant show.
11:08 : Okay, so I'm suing. I've never been even remotely toxic. Even my brussel sprout farts smell like daffodils. You will hear from my lawyers Flywheel, Shyster and Flywheel.
"There must have been something that tipped them off he was going to get a gun out."
Well, yeah, it was Florida...
Happy new year Simon glad to see the blaze back
I ACTUALLY have some disposal aluminum McDonald's ashtrays from way back in the day! I'm so tempted to put a couple out as a prank to see how many people light up 🚬
Is it just me or is Simon even more random and rambling in this video than normal? I'm not complaining at all 🤣 Simon rambling is the best kind of Simon.
You mean there's finally an alternative to cocaine when I'm having nicotine cravings?
The cocaine comes with a completed screen play
The energy he brought to this video was off the charts
Business Blaze, the continuing story of Simon's breakdown. Allegedly.
Simon/Business Blaze,
Not only am I excited to see a Blaze about my neck of the woods, but it also involves my line of work.
To answer your remarks about ‘the people who oversee these things’ in regards to Criminal District Courts. There are 477 criminal district courts in Texas, each of which is presided over by a District Judge. There is an oversight board of three or five judges that can review proceedings, but there is no automatic review.
Additionally the State Bar of Texas acts a the regulator of attorneys/lawyers. The State Bar can sanction an attorney (practicing judge).
Really though, in Texas voters choose District Judges. In many cases electing judges can be problematic. In most other cases though, electing district judges can reflect the character/values of the community.
I am lucky enough to have helped elected a handful of district judges just north of Comal County, in Travis County, Texas.
Comal County, which includes several small cities sporadically mixes Spanish Colonial History, a large military population, and the ‘Texas German’ influences in a quirky way. It makes perfect sense then that a cowboy who talks to god would be elected District Judge.
“I guess the only cure is Austin, for the Comal County Blues.” - Jason Boland
There is a saying in Sweden: "Man kan fan inte vara satiriker i det här landet längre." Roghly translated: "You can't fucking make satire in this country anymore"
I think it kinda applies to the world.
Wow it starts with the rhyming triplet of "man kan fan"???
OMG Simon you've got that southern hellfire and brimstone dialed in!!!! 😂🤣 Second career indeed. That British televangelist is pretty funny, too. 😹 Give me more!!!! Please!!! 💚✌️
Over the last year the onion article that I enjoyed most was
"Future warlord of dystopian wasteland born in Omaha"
Watching all the older videos. The edit where Sam added the hair was 👏 👌
i'm from Florida, and watched the Irma thing live
I've been missing out on the Blaze for a while, but I'm glad I'm back
I love your southern accent 😂
LOVED THIS! Great job guys!
In the Netherlands we have 'De Speld' which is also hilarious.
We Deserve More Of These Simon And Danny! ❤
Getting a Raids Shadow Legends ad on this video, so much irony xD.
epic
Thanks Simon, your video's got me through lockdown and quarantine in 2020 and I'm still enjoying your content even though I'm now in a covid free country!
3:28 - look, it's the Dark Souls onion man! Sam, I see you are a man of culture.
Onion bros before hoes
Being from Florida (unfortunately), I'm not surprised with the case of the Mayors... You can do a series on florida man news...
Even recently, we had a city council (including the mayor) recently arrested on fraud charges... Even the FBI was involved...
“ASMR Business Blaze.” Another new channel?
Simon as an American televangelist is my new favorite thing.
When talking about the reasons why a women ceo would be specifically chosen, due to her gender, I keep thinking about others whom were chosen for high positions of power, because of their gender
I had an employee once who was a danger to himself and all around him. He was the literal
personification of "The Born Loser", but he also had been through a lot of things in life. One day,
a deaf man tried to place an order and was getting frustrated at my lack of understanding. Suddenly,
loser guy starts signing at the guy as if he had been born deaf himself.
He probably would have shit his pants at the "interpreter" in the video.
And sometime the Onion is unexpectedly prophetic. My favorite (and still available on-line) is from 17-JAN-2001, "Bush: 'Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over'
Both my parents smoked, too and I always get a huge wave of nostalgia from my childhood when I get a whiff of a cigarette near me.
And you didn't bring up the story about China wanting to put a second moon into orbit because the night is too dark
@@Kiki-vc1xo yeah it was in 2019 I think? Maybe a year or two earlier? I had already given up on satire news sites, saw that headline, and thought "wow, the onion is getting desperate huh?" Then I realized it wasn't the onion, it was on sites like Time and CNN
@@VintageFenrir what date was it? If it was April 1st then you've still been had.
@@barneynedward October 18th 2018
Excellent episode. Given 2020, maybe an episode on Onion articles that predicted the future?
Your southern baptist style accent is pretty spot on, but don’t you dare call that a strictly American accent! 😂
I was really entertained by how some words were spot-on but then some sprinkled in were totally in his usual accent and sounded incongruent and hilarious XD
One of my favorite ur-Onion stories was a newsreel story put out by the BBC on April 1st sometime in the late 1950s--a puff piece about the Italian spaghetti harvest, showing farmgirls delicately picking the spaghetti out of trees.
It's been way too long since the last episode
Lots more coming :)