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I made the realization the other day that I haven’t felt limerence in over a year. I’ve had a new girlfriend now for 7 months and the entire process has been based completely in reality. No fantasies, no falling for ideas, no daydreaming. Just pure reality checking and excitement about what is actually measurable and in front of me. And it’s a great relationship! Feels super good!
The man in the beginning of the video…I love the way you so politely said “Oh please. Get over yourself and take accountability here. YOU are the problem.”
once again a womans shaming language....better to be alone than dwell in a home with a nagging woman. When will you women ever admit that it takes two to tango....someone in that mans life he scared by the traumatic interactions with a woman.
Carter, go to Jesus with it all- call on Him to renew your mind in peace- ❤God will guide you to a sound mind and inner peace- He did for me- God bless - Satan’s MO is to steal- (your peace), Kill- ( kills real love and trust) and destroy- families and lives- you must gain control of your thoughts and make better choices for you son and wife- what you are seeking is a lost cause. Limerence sucks, I know.
@@shannonriley8299 He quite literally had two emotional affairs and is blaming the women for "taking advantage" when is HE going to learn that it takes two to tango. I agree that you should stay alone if you see accountability as abusive. Anna doesn't coddle anyone writing in regardless of gender because that doesnt help anyone, especially someone trying to get better. If he didnt want critique he shouldve written in a diary instead of writing in to a woman helping people take charge of their own lives.
To be honest with you, I don’t think he’s in therapy, there’s no way a therapist will skip over or tell you poor advice or behavior. As far as the second letter the older lady, she is a mess smh. I think the men love is to take advantage of older women. ( sugar mama) his playing a game . He couldn’t have sex with her for some odd reason. Well maybe he saw something or smell idk something made him turn off . So instead of having sex with her , he pleasured his self in front of her. Yikes 😱! However she gotta a dose of her own medicine 💊 how she totally talk bad about her husband not wanting to be intimacy with him etc . Well she totally got rejected 🙅🏽♀️. I’d was so upset the way she talked bad about him.
Sounds like he has some self esteem/ confidence issues to me. Self love (the non-toxic type) is the best love, it's dam near impossible to give from an empty cup. Getting real is the first step. I personally commend the author of the letter for seeking feedback and insights from others as this shows the potential for change and hopefully a healthy future
I was a single mother and my only child went off to college. That’s when my limerant “relationship” started. Five years of obsession (on my part) and pain. I am so happy and grateful to be free. If you have experienced any type of loss, you must guard your heart and mental health very carefully.
I became limerant when my relationship of 8 years finally ended. I didn’t know at a time that mu LO was a bandaid for loneliness and depression. My confidence was at an all time low, and LO was so charismatic and confident. Looking back, it all makes sense now why limerance kicked in.
I wish I can send you a proper fairy pencil that looks like a star tipped wand as a way to say thank you, Anna. I’m grateful for your advice and am slowly making things better.
Imagine having a traumatizing childhood, to then deal with the mess in your adult years , basically spending your life sorting it out just to get a sense of what you really are.....the heartbreak is real , there should be monetary compensation for the children of horrible parents
i used to be limerant when i was in my twenties but gradually overcame that. but in the 80s there was no info about it so i did not understand why i was so clingy and latched onto anyone who showed me the slightest friendship.
I feel for you! I had this dynamic in my first friendships, too. I used to latch on to people who weren't good for me and who just needed a "partner in crime" that would enable their toxicity. I don't mean literal crime, I just mean shopping (despite being broke), wasting time and not spending time productively. I didn't know why I was like that either and felt ashamed at times, and the moment I tried to emancipate myself from these friendships, some of the "friends" got really angry and tried to shame me. They gave me a really hard time. I found new people who were less toxic and who spent their time in more meaningful ways!
Limerance pretty much ruined my romantic life. You're so good at what you do, talking about this, making us see. I saw myself in so much of what you said, thinking 'How does she know all this? That's exactly right!" I wish I'd seen your content long years ago. Keep doing this important work, Fairy.
He tries to convince himself like he is doing the work going to therapy etc. But no. He is living in a pink bubble and try to get validation from Fairy.. nope nope nope
I agree with your comment. Validation/female attention seeking. I would go even further, sex and/or love addiction as a result of unmet emotional needs from his primary care givers during developing ages. It's not only about cptsd, cptsd is a manifestation of dysfunctional childchood on many levels. Speaking from experience and heard personally stories like his with my own ears from people who started with unsuccessful theraphy and ended up in real recovery which not many people wants to admit because of stigma and shame.
Honestly, it sounds like narcisistic behaviour. Upset about becoming a father? Looking for attention somewhere else outside of marriage? Projects blame onto anyone else but himself? Points to his failings as "I'm working hard on it and I'm fine"? Yeah... Interesting.
2 words to describe this man: Vulnerable Narcissist Therapist: fire them, if you’ve not received this diagnosis Wife: completely codependent & self abandoned especially if she encouraged him to have solo friendships with women. Also she’s suffering from a lot of Narcissistic abuse if he can’t even be honest in his own thought life… Child: never mentioned except to discuss his hatred towards him for taking up a portion of his Narcissistic supply… Limerence: not what you’re dealing with since you have an active relationship beyond friendship with another woman. Sounds like you CAN have this person & struggling with reconciling the man you actually are vs the man you pretend to be…
Thank you for this, and I agree! He's a classic abuser. I doubt his wife encouraged him to have 'friendships' with women. That's just what he wants us to believe! Sorry to everybody that I'm being blunt, but the rhetoric of the letter was really creepy. It was full of manipulation.
I notice these patterns here: • he is basically lying to himself, believing his own lies • he likes the idea of infatuation and romance - nothing wrong with that, except he shouldn't have married and become a father • he is not being responsible for his actions and tries to present his transgressions as someone else's fault Either way, I predict that his wife will eventually get hurt. This is the kind of behavior that ruins marriages
Honestly this woman is one of the few psychologists I’ve seen talk on UA-cam or wherever who seems to demonstrate psychology as a practical science. I don’t mean I doubt psychology; it’s hard for me to describe, but it seems like what a lot of psychologists say is ambiguous, or too general, or something. I don’t know it’s just that she’s exceptionally intelligent and competent, applying the concepts more appropriately and effectively, or takes a different approach. But anyway, after I endured that first letter, it was good to see her pick the BS apart in such an accurate and constructive way. I wish my therapist was like this, as I’ve noticed that when you’re feeling a need to talk out problems, especially when you’re hurting, very astute, relevant responses can be amazing. In fact, my experience with “limerance” started this way, when I met a younger woman (I’m 54 and she’s 38, five years older than my stepdaughter) who started talking to me when I was distraught over my adult stepdaughter (from a past marriage, I’m not married or in a relationship). My stepdaughter had recently gone from living with me pregnant and 6 months after having the baby, to going back to (and taking my granddaughters around) her violent abuser, for the 100th time. And in addition, I found out at the same time that she had been doing prostitution through a BDSM website. The woman who talked to me (very attractive and charismatic of course) told me all about her abuse and hard times but how that was in the past now and she had finally learned her lesson. It turns out the whole time we talked, she was living with the extremely violent, psychotic abuser from most of her stories. But at the time, she seemed to listen to every thing I said and responded with the exact thing I was feeling or had the perfect take on the situation. The relief I felt at the time when this stranger who was willing to talk to me so extensively about what everyone else took as “dumping” on them, and did such an amazing job talking to me, can’t be overstated. It was of course very relevant that she was attractive, (beyond the level of physical attractiveness of women normally interested in me), but I insisted on downplaying this. I fell in love to some degree and just absolutely would not admit I did. It sure did not feel good to find out she was lying about her life and when it became obvious she was trying to get some financial benefit from me. So yeah, I’ve never heard “limerance” before, but if is a painful thing I did not need at a time when I was already in a lot of pain. And the self-BS you’ll do to justify maintaining these relationships also can’t me overstated. Anyway I’m a product of alcoholic, abusive parents who in addition to the daily abuse, seemed to be on a purposeful mission to destroy self esteem. So I’ll be watching more videos.
She’s not a psychologist. She’s not trained. Everything she knows and has learned has been from her own life experiences and seeking to know and do better. That’s what makes her so great.
I was a therapist/counselor and was told I was the least touchy feely therapist many had met, I was practical and held people accountable. Therapists are not your friend. I'm sorry to hear your struggles this channel will change your life if you let it
@TriciaEllinger I do wish my ex's therapist was able to be more direct but I do understand that many times they're working just to keep them in therapy. He suffers from a lot of splitting and being too direct means he'll just stop going.
He sounds like how I was when I was so dissociated /in denial about my behaviour when I was younger and didn't have any idea I was reacting/acting out from a childhood with an alcoholic father and, imo, a vulnerable narcissist mother. I really hope the writer takes on board what Anna has said & gets real about his own behaviour/actions. Imo, if he really wants his relationship with his wife & child to be truly healthy & happy, he needs to work on himself. Do Anna's daily practice; go to Al-Anon (for family & friends of alcoholics) & meet some people who are dealing with & recovering from similar issues; get a therapist who has eg: experience in counselling adult children of alcoholics and/or c-ptsd sufferers. Limerence /"love" fantasies are like a drug to those of us who've been abused and/or neglected in childhood. Addictive, compulsive & dangerous.
I just recently found out about limerance and I feel so much shame for ending up this way. It was for an extreme dismissive avoidant friend with heavy narcissistic traits. I thought I loved her but it was a trauma bond. I believe that intermittent reinforcement and breadcrumbing by the narcissist put me in this place. I walked away a year ago and went strict no contact. I went into this with anxious attachment from childhood with an enmeshed narcissistic mother. After 12 years with this woman in my life, with all the manipulation and confusion, I have flipped into disorganized attachment. I am finally having my first visit with a trauma therapist this Thursday and getting back into my faith.
The most depressing part of all these letters, is the “advice” from alleged therapists…Where the hell these “therapists” got their training from??? It’s awful!!!
Probably got their training from the same place my moms therapist did, who told my mom neglecting her kids and knowingly handing them off to her abusive ex was “doing the best she could and it’s okay because the kids are adults now and don’t owe them anything not even an apology”
In therapists' and doctors' defense, sometimes clients just listen what they want and twist advice ending up weaponizing therapy speak. My dad, for example, goes to the doctor for his high blood pressure and obesity and the doctor told him that drinking is not good for his health and he questioned how much he could drink and she said just a bit and he heard that he could drink an entire day, because a day is a small portion of a week and also feels entitled to drink a bit of cachaça everyday before lunch, since it also fits the "small amount recommendation"
I feel it's the other way around though... You don't WANT your life to be filled with anything real... Being obessed with an illusion is much safer, and also, a fantasy you can make as interesting, glittery and exciting as you want... Real life is most of the time just boring and dissappointing.
True, but it becomes an issue if you and/or other people suffer and feel pain as a consequence, which is often inevitable with unfulfilled/unrequited connections 🥲
I don't feel like it's even that you don't want it, you don't even know what it is to want it in the first place. I know that for me I didn't know there was any other way.
Re the first guy, why is he so determined to have outside female friends? That’s not really a thing that married men do! He is not being honest with himself
@@stephanied9629 It's not odd, though; it's normal, that's the point. I'm going to take a wild guess that you're an American? In Britain and Europe, it would be decidedly odd to live by the puritanical religious mores of the old American settler society. Even the Evangelical Christians (I know a few) don't seem to do that.
@@avonacolyte lol, it definitely IS odd and breaks boundaries, invites trouble. Has nothing to do with any religion, lol. It's called boundaries, and it's weird as fuck for a married man to be so focused on wanting/having female friends.
Thank you for this amazing video. It could be a complete game changer for me. I am living in a state of limerence all my adult life. Now I have a word for it. I don't know how it can be that I have never heard that word before. After all these years of therapy and everything. Thank you so much. I will.dive deep into it. But the letters and your responses already gave a great insight. Best from Germany 😊 Lars
The first letter writer sounds permanently emotionally regressed into childhood. My guess is that he's got a severe passive aggressive streak, because those folks have a tenuous relationship with both personal accountability and the truth. At no point in his letter does he express concern for either his child or his wife. This is a childish, narcissistic adult child and his therapist is most definitely enabling him. Sometimes when a client shows up with a sob story, they believe it, when they should be challenging it. My guess is that either his wife overfunctions and handles most adult responsibilities in the marriage, or she falls into mutual power struggles with him, which allow him to feel a sense of power despite being a helpless child most of the time. Ugh.
@@CelebrationOfCulture agree. I find it almost impossible to have a productive conversation with a PA because there is no shared sense of objective reality and it's impossible to cut through their defensive bullshit without some sort of unpleasant conversation. it's like, if you want to have a relationship with them you have to support their lies.
I had that ah-ha! moment the second I learned about limerence. I've been in and out of a limerent fantasy with 3 different non partners in my 20s and it's tragic. It steals everything from you. I need a community who understands it, Anna.
I hear you. You might want to consider joining our CCF members community. We meet on Zoom calls and interact on our Facebook page. The community is very supporting! Here's a link if you'd like to check it out: courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com/membership Nika@TeamFairy
Oh my god! Limerance. The world of the week! That’s why romantic movies and novels are so fucked up! THANK YOU! In general I find the difference between love, love and love very confusing. Probably because I’m bisexual. People have relationships in family, friendship and marriage but to me the differences (the non sexual part) doesn’t make any sense. What does make sense is distinguishing between love, lust and obsession. All of these you can feel for a lot of people. Love is something that grows as you get to know someone and can be found in all three. Lust for some is ignited by the appearance of a person for others it’s a situational thing. Obsession or limerance is what a lot of people think romance is, having a crush is related to this cluster, it’s a delusion of who you want that person to be and it’s not something aspirational. I’ve always thought that romantic feelings are more dangerous than anything and it’s because in popular media limerance, obsession and jealousy are seen as the pinnacle of romance. It isn’t! Romance is a heightened mutual feeling of friendship usually with some physical aspects.
A huge thank you for this topic. I have not heard of limerance before and it's shocking to me to now learn that I have had limerance in my past. More than once. I'm really embarrassed to admit. The last time I was being limerant, I was in physical therapy and started having this limerance towards the therapist. We would talk and laugh and I was thinking about them more and more. I felt we were connecting. I told myself that he was only being attentive towards me because it's his job. But I was getting a vibe from him that he liked me more than that and I looked forward to my appointments just so I could see him. Anyway, after a few weeks, I recognized that it wasn't healthy for me to be having the emotions I was developing, it was interfering with my thoughts, function, life. I'm also married too for decades and I knew it wasn't good to be thinking about someone else like that. I made the decision to stop going to that particular physical therapy facility. I cancelled the remaining appointments. That helped me a lot to avoid going there. Though for about a week, a part of me was still "fantasizing" thinking that I may bump in to him somewhere else. It is ridiculous that I got like that. So another thing I did to "trick" my brain was to think of something I didn't Like that he did or said. There were a couple of things. And that helped to reduce the attractiveness for me. It worked and it was a relief to get out of that limerance I was in. And now I have no feelings or anything towards him or other "victims" I've had limerance towards. Lol. I feel so foolish that I've gotten like that. I have started looking into why I get like this about people. I know that I lack confidence in myself and have low self esteem. I am working on that. I do have childhood trauma and other trauma in my adult years. I realize that I don't need another person to validate me. I don't need to look elsewhere for attention and to feel better about myself. Self love and self care and confidence needs building up. I want more from my husband and I have conveyed that to him and we have talked on different occasions. He is not the most demonstrative or emotionally available. He does love me though. I know it's not up to my husband to help me feel better about myself. He doesn't put me down or anything like that. But he's not the best with giving encouragement either, he is not good with giving out compliments to me or any kind of building up. I do pay him compliments and show appreciation. I suppose at the end of the day It's really up to me to be happy within myself which I'm not. I have to work on me, myself.
Thank you for sharing this. I can relate so much, - and it sounds to me, like you’re really working on your self healing! Well done! 👏🏼 And best wishes for the future ❤
20 years I live like this, alone from my twenties, now I have 40.. still obsessed and with "hope", ohhh life is such a bad thing for same of us.. Because of you Ana after 20 years, at least I know what it is..
First time listening to you- you are absolutely outstanding at this! I can tell right away you're the 'real deal'. Also, what a pleasant speaking voice! Thank you from someone who has experienced limerence
I listen to these three stories and what springs into my mind is “their poor spouses”. Honestly…how they tolerate these weirdos. That’s why we should never stand up and support people with deep traumas. Eventually they will betray you and we deserve better.
The problem is their spouses were lied. That is I suppose the biggest reason they are not leaving them. Second thing is these spouses do not have boundaries, in another words they do not know how to recognize people who do not love them truly. It is impossible you are living with someone for more than 10 years and you can not at least intuitively feel your partner is not truly into you and your connection. Such a shame. People are learning thil the day they die, that is the beauty and horror of life.
Sorry for the dramatic end of my message to you. I truly hope you won't think that supporting traumatized people is a problem. It depends on how we support them and what is our intention.
@@Nillava-k3j ifbthey are willing to have psychotherapy then yes. Inwould support them. Otherwise no thanks. I am working on myself to become bettet and not offload my traumas to my next relationship. It is possible not to recognise you are unloved for many years If you were unloved by your family.
Whew. I’m always impressed with how Anna, even when dispensing “tough love”, shows real compassion for each person. That stood out to me with the first segment in this video, where the letter writer has to be one of the most deluded and self-involved of any I’ve seen on this channel. Wow. It’s like his wife and son don’t really exist except in relation to his wants. He’s shown no concern for them or for the state of his marriage. It also sounds like the “emotional affair” woman stopped giving him what he wanted or disappointed him somehow. It didn’t sound like he was hurt by guilt over his actions. I can’t know, but it’s my impression also that these special female friends are more likely acquaintances and everything else is just fantasy on his part. He seems unable to truly consider others as people in their own right. To mention how his father can’t understand how he hurt him, and yet seem oblivious and unconcerned about how his own actions and feelings would be hurtful to his own young son, is pretty telling. Not sure what kind of feedback he expected or what motivated him to write in. He sounds very attached to a fantasy-based view point all around. Maybe Anna’s response will help him refocus on reality, whether as a dedicated family man or a guy who starts over.
No offence, but the first letter writer displays a lot of toxic behaviors and the dishonesty makes me angry. The toxic behaviors include: Dishonesty and lies. Blaming others for his own decisions and actions. Projection. Hating his newborn. Betraying the trust of his wife. Creeping up on women in random contexts (work, hobby, etc.), pretending to want friendship, but then flirting with them; and when they reciprocate, blaming them for reciprocating. I don't know, but these are all classic behaviors of abusers. I doubt this is a case of limerence. This is someone who feeds off of other people's romantic energy, but doesn't have the intention to be in an honest and healthy relationship. I feel so sorry for his wife and his child. And for the women he uses as a projection surface or fantasy.
It would be deeply isolating for the mother to have the husband hate being a father. Hard to be intimate with someone when they aren’t stepping up and are emotionally going out on the relationship after just having a baby. He has some major growing up to do stop blaming the woman you don’t need woman friends it’s an excuse to have other women on standby and it’s rooted in insecurity the need for validation.
Great one. I have limerence. I told the limerent object about my feelings and he left. It s been one year and I am getting a divorce because of that partly. You describe it so well and true it has blocked everything in my life. And was due to lack of joy and fun. Really it went far.
I became limerant when my relationship of 8 years finally ended. I didn’t know at a time that my LO was a band aid for loneliness and depression. My confidence was at an all time low, and LO was so charismatic and confident. Looking back, it all makes sense now why limerance kicked in.
There is a pattern where he needs validation of being worthy through a romantic relationship yet experiences and projects shame and guilt in romantic attachments. I wonder whether he has worked on this pattern in therapy. It is sad that his father was not someone he could idealise and develop a healthy identity when he was young and in-spite of it he might have internalised some of his father's behaviour or personality traits. It could also be that his unsatisfactory relationship with his father during an earlier part of his life, is unfinished business for him which he tries to get closure on by creating more troubling relationships. I hope he is able to work through this and live a happy life.
@Analysis Paralysis WOW, WOW, WOW....I just finished watching a documentary about the American novelist Ernest Hemingway, and the guy in this letter sounds just like him!!!
Was Hemingway like this, too? Wow, I didn't know that, I should watch the documentary! I'm beginning to think a LARGE portion of male writers are narcissistic. Is the documentary available on UA-cam?
I fell for a guy who made me feel so insecure by these interactions he showed me often with ' female friends' he had. 45 ( married, taken,single) woman blocked from different countries. He would talk badly about me to woman i could never talk to. I explain emotional cheating and how he is enabling. He wouldn't listen. He discarded me when i called him out.. we have no contact but he is so much on my mind... thank you for the honest truth and teaching about childhood effects
First guy’s an asshole! You’re a cheater who doesn’t care what you do to your wife! You weren’t seduced! You tried to build a relationship with someone you were attracted to and you didn’t shut it down as soon as you realised what’s going on. Just as you aren’t at the moment you wrote that letter. Do you want to stay with the mother of your children or not?! Guy number two I genuinely feel sorry for. Your ex isn’t good for you. Just don’t! She isn’t good for your! Your wife on the other hand sounds wonderful! Romance isn’t just something that exists. It takes effort. Seriously rethinking what you want your relationship to her to be like. Maybe a breakup is the right thing! Maybe you can work it out and fall in love again! Maybe you can change the type of relationship you have to a different type of marriage. A queer platonic one, an open one, a familial relationship, idk. Think about what you want and find some fucking friends. Not just one, or two, at least a handful. Find a hobby, something social, try to talk to others about your opinions on things, try and hang out with them. I’m sure your wife would love to help you with understanding what a good friendship is and what you can do with friends. First I’d recommend expanding your social circle (anyone but your ex!) and then openly discussing how you feel with your wife and how you want to go forward in your relationship with her. You don’t owe it to your children to stay in an unhappy marriage. Maybe you owe it to them to not fully fuck it up and to stay on talking terms but they are old enough to understand that you’re relationship problems have little to nothing to do with the children.
When you read the part about how his dad and him didn't used to get along and had a bad relationship, but now things are so much better... I wrote almost the exact same thing in a letter once, and I didn't realize until later that I was in a totally dissociated, rose-colored glasses, Pollyanna self state at the time. I read the letter later and I was like "what?! Who the heck wrote this? This is highly inaccurate..." He might be right about his current relationship with his dad today, but he also very well could be dissociated and unable to see the full reality like I was when I wrote my letter. It's a very weird phenomenon, the way we can distort reality and see things through a fantasy lens sometimes...
I stopped getting limerent if that's the word the second I gave birth to my son. All of the sudden, my need to be loved took a second place and I started to focus on the love I was able to give to someone and get something wonderful in return. My son changed my life. I'm not married to his dad, but we co-parent in the best interest of our son. I love my son. I wish I had him even sooner than 22 because I'm a better person for him.
“My wife is very supportive of this.” How many of us said along with Anna, “Oh no, she’s not!!” I don’t think this person is cut out for “close personal relationships” with women who are not his wife. He is lying to himself, his wife and his swim instructor. Not a surprising behavior pattern when you grew up with an alcoholic parent, but that is no excuse for continuing to act in ways that are destructive to other people and yourself. I hope he can hear the wisdom in Anna’s response and turn things around. His little boy deserves to have a father who is working towards healing. 💗
In regard to women who cross the line and flirt with him: in my experience men frequently confuse being nice with flirting. They don't seem to know it's not flirting when a woman is just being friendly and nice to them and trying to be their friend. It seems they take any positive attention as flirting.
Hi....i feel so empty ,can't take it anymore .almost 58 and lost my identy last September when i had to relieve my beloved dog from suffering .I m divorcecd from a narcisist since 2016 who had made my life hell since 2000 .my sons are still students and now they dont need me anymore . I lived in athens for more than 30 years and tried to make a new Start last january .It failed ,since today I got stuck though I was in a clinic for five weeks in der April . My sons hope thst I find back to live but until today I'm stuck and scared .I went to stay at my sisters ,who has schizophrenia since january ..i became much worse and feel so lonely although she is there. I want to go back but there also I am lonely .I stay und n bed until the afternoon then I watch videos on UA-cam and the next morning same thing .Iam so scared .tommorow I will meet my younger son who hopes that I will finally get well Therapists have long waiting lists and the chance to find one who is good at traumatherpy is really low.
Hi, I don't know you and we may never meet. Your life has meaning, you have value. There are options in life, when it comes to what we want vs what we actually need, it may take time, support, self support and just one small step. Your message is a great small step. It tells me you are a warrior, my heart sees you. All my best sweet heart
Just because your sons aren’t dependent on you anymore doesn’t mean they don’t want you and what is best for you! Wishing you the best and sending you a hug from Sweden!
❤ please stay strong. You matter. Talk to help groups online.. just keep talking write it out... healing from toxic people is hard, but again, you matter. ❤
This guy is full of BS. Disassociated my ass. He’s talking a good game, complete with psychological buzzwords, to try to get permission and reinforcement. I love how you are straight up with him.
I had never heard the word limerence before. But I certainly have experienced it. Fascinating feedback for the first guy, and I completely agree. Apropos of nothing, Anna looks like Geena Davis, Mary McDonnell, and Rebecca DeMornay. 😂
Dear Fairy, could you please do a video about 'apathy.' I have spent many years not caring, simply not caring about anything, including my personal safety.I thought I had depression but it has recently been suggested that it could be apathy.
It's so strange how I totally have this issue despite having two loving parents who gave me an overall nice childhood. I mean, they did get divorced when I was young, but even then they were incredibly civil about the whole thing and never involved me in a toxic way at all in their separation. I think maybe my emotional neglect trauma was likely due to disappointing romantic experiences in my youth more than my parental upbringing then. I guess I just underestimated how severe of an impact as mere romantic frustration in my youth may have had on me as an adult, because I 100% am someone guilty of being tempted by limerence love.
The first case, maybe he is a child-man not yet knowing his boundary and hasn’t PLATED THE FIELD so to speak to experience other relationships. Sounds like he needs to move on, and be honest with his wife about everything.
Im in a severe limerent state now. She blocked me because i get to creepy and needy. Now im stalking and destroying. I cant go on anymore..to much pain
Umm first guy IS a Narc! I knew one just like this. Loved to go to therapy since it meant focus on HIMSELF and he could learn all the lingo to fake out multiple women on how ‘enlightened’ and ‘modern’ he was. Remember narcs love to triangulate women. I don’t think this is limerance, this is his brain trying to justify triangulation, in secret. #1 since when does a guy ‘need’ female friends ?? #2 stop making or having female friends #3 only focus on having male friends. All this garbage would disappear. The end.
Had the same guy do this to me. Just showing me / telling me about his interactions with ( married) woman almost every day! I think this story, like you said reaks of narc tendencies.. poor kid, poor wife....😢
For the record, it was well known at the time that even during their marriage Camilla’s former husband Andrew Parker Bowles was a philanderer. Andrew’s always known about Charles.
If his dad was an alchoholic having a child would bring up all the bad experiences he had at that age each time so that's why he hated being a father. It's connected to his dad being an alchoholic. Every time he location his child he will be reminded of stuff that happened to him at that stage so of course he hated being a father. Totally connected to his dad being an alchoholic. It can be recovered from if he loves and parents his own inner Child and these emotional affairs of someone seeing him or getting him is often linked to emotional incest with nothing physical desired but is being unfaithful
Can you be limerant not for another person, but another life? I feel love starved but I have people who love me. But I can’t feel it, except for a few times with the women I had an emotional affair (cut it off myself, came clean, but nothing really changed). I don’t obsess about her, but I fantasize about a whole other life when I more free to explore those feelings.
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I made the realization the other day that I haven’t felt limerence in over a year. I’ve had a new girlfriend now for 7 months and the entire process has been based completely in reality. No fantasies, no falling for ideas, no daydreaming. Just pure reality checking and excitement about what is actually measurable and in front of me. And it’s a great relationship!
Feels super good!
The man in the beginning of the video…I love the way you so politely said “Oh please. Get over yourself and take accountability here. YOU are the problem.”
once again a womans shaming language....better to be alone than dwell in a home with a nagging woman. When will you women ever admit that it takes two to tango....someone in that mans life he scared by the traumatic interactions with a woman.
Seek therapy.
Carter, go to Jesus with it all- call on Him to renew your mind in peace- ❤God will guide you to a sound mind and inner peace- He did for me- God bless - Satan’s MO is to steal- (your peace), Kill- ( kills real love and trust) and destroy- families and lives- you must gain control of your thoughts and make better choices for you son and wife- what you are seeking is a lost cause. Limerence sucks, I know.
@@shannonriley8299 He quite literally had two emotional affairs and is blaming the women for "taking advantage" when is HE going to learn that it takes two to tango. I agree that you should stay alone if you see accountability as abusive. Anna doesn't coddle anyone writing in regardless of gender because that doesnt help anyone, especially someone trying to get better. If he didnt want critique he shouldve written in a diary instead of writing in to a woman helping people take charge of their own lives.
@@montanameg Get Lost!
He got married young and now is feeling like he’s missing out. As a married adult, why is he so focused seeking out female friendships?
Because he wants them to be more and is a covert womanizer but thinks he is a good guy...gaslighting himself like limerence addicts do
He was taken advantage of? Blaming the woman at work for his actions?
100%%%%
The first guy needs to get a refund from his therapist 🤦♀️
To be honest with you, I don’t think he’s in therapy, there’s no way a therapist will skip over or tell you poor advice or behavior. As far as the second letter the older lady, she is a mess smh. I think the men love is to take advantage of older women. ( sugar mama) his playing a game . He couldn’t have sex with her for some odd reason. Well maybe he saw something or smell idk something made him turn off . So instead of having sex with her , he pleasured his self in front of her. Yikes 😱! However she gotta a dose of her own medicine 💊 how she totally talk bad about her husband not wanting to be intimacy with him etc . Well she totally got rejected 🙅🏽♀️. I’d was so upset the way she talked bad about him.
It sounds like he is in love with being in love and is chasing the rush that comes with the honeymoon phase of a new romance.
Sounds like he has some self esteem/ confidence issues to me. Self love (the non-toxic type) is the best love, it's dam near impossible to give from an empty cup. Getting real is the first step. I personally commend the author of the letter for seeking feedback and insights from others as this shows the potential for change and hopefully a healthy future
Most of all, he loves lies and dishonesty. He uses psychology to conceal his dishonesty.
It sounds like he has way too many female friends 🤣
the first 90 Days. my Mother called, " IN LOVE With.. Love!
Dopamine addicts
I was a single mother and my only child went off to college. That’s when my limerant “relationship” started. Five years of obsession (on my part) and pain. I am so happy and grateful to be free. If you have experienced any type of loss, you must guard your heart and mental health very carefully.
Thank you for your kind and thoughtful words. ❤
What did you do to get over this?
I became limerant when my relationship of 8 years finally ended. I didn’t know at a time that mu LO was a bandaid for loneliness and depression.
My confidence was at an all time low, and LO was so charismatic and confident. Looking back, it all makes sense now why limerance kicked in.
Anna, you are awesome!
It's golden wisdom you are giving here.
Bullshit-free, mature, ethical.
I salute you.
I wish I can send you a proper fairy pencil that looks like a star tipped wand as a way to say thank you, Anna.
I’m grateful for your advice and am slowly making things better.
Wow, anytime I go into that mood your video shows up about this topic. Gives me a wake up call.
Glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy
Imagine having a traumatizing childhood, to then deal with the mess in your adult years , basically spending your life sorting it out just to get a sense of what you really are.....the heartbreak is real , there should be monetary compensation for the children of horrible parents
@@lunagrace8717 I’m so grateful for this “ new” therapy as it has given me my life back- priceless! 🩷
I guarantee you, though no amount of money, is going to fix the trauma we have.
i used to be limerant when i was in my twenties but gradually overcame that. but in the 80s there was no info about it so i did not understand why i was so clingy and latched onto anyone who showed me the slightest friendship.
I feel for you!
I had this dynamic in my first friendships, too. I used to latch on to people who weren't good for me and who just needed a "partner in crime" that would enable their toxicity. I don't mean literal crime, I just mean shopping (despite being broke), wasting time and not spending time productively.
I didn't know why I was like that either and felt ashamed at times, and the moment I tried to emancipate myself from these friendships, some of the "friends" got really angry and tried to shame me. They gave me a really hard time. I found new people who were less toxic and who spent their time in more meaningful ways!
Limerance pretty much ruined my romantic life. You're so good at what you do, talking about this, making us see. I saw myself in so much of what you said, thinking 'How does she know all this? That's exactly right!"
I wish I'd seen your content long years ago. Keep doing this important work, Fairy.
Thanks.
He tries to convince himself like he is doing the work going to therapy etc. But no. He is living in a pink bubble and try to get validation from Fairy.. nope nope nope
You are getting triggered
Why are you a troll!?
I agree with your comment. Validation/female attention seeking. I would go even further, sex and/or love addiction as a result of unmet emotional needs from his primary care givers during developing ages. It's not only about cptsd, cptsd is a manifestation of dysfunctional childchood on many levels. Speaking from experience and heard personally stories like his with my own ears from people who started with unsuccessful theraphy and ended up in real recovery which not many people wants to admit because of stigma and shame.
The man loves to blame everybody but himself. Every woman he interacts with is to be blamed. He sounds like a child.
Honestly, it sounds like narcisistic behaviour. Upset about becoming a father? Looking for attention somewhere else outside of marriage? Projects blame onto anyone else but himself? Points to his failings as "I'm working hard on it and I'm fine"? Yeah... Interesting.
he wants to have sex with them he wants to cheat om his family.this is wha he means with friendship.he lies on thşis letter .
@@felipelineartyeah notice how the child wasn’t mentioned even once here? poor kid…
If it isn't his fault, it's not his responsibility to change. I call baloney.
@@felipelineartI think he just lacks self awareness…and self accountability
2 words to describe this man: Vulnerable Narcissist
Therapist: fire them, if you’ve not received this diagnosis
Wife: completely codependent & self abandoned especially if she encouraged him to have solo friendships with women. Also she’s suffering from a lot of Narcissistic abuse if he can’t even be honest in his own thought life…
Child: never mentioned except to discuss his hatred towards him for taking up a portion of his Narcissistic supply…
Limerence: not what you’re dealing with since you have an active relationship beyond friendship with another woman. Sounds like you CAN have this person & struggling with reconciling the man you actually are vs the man you pretend to be…
Ouch
Thank you for this, and I agree!
He's a classic abuser. I doubt his wife encouraged him to have 'friendships' with women. That's just what he wants us to believe!
Sorry to everybody that I'm being blunt, but the rhetoric of the letter was really creepy. It was full of manipulation.
YES.
I notice these patterns here:
• he is basically lying to himself, believing his own lies
• he likes the idea of infatuation and romance - nothing wrong with that, except he shouldn't have married and become a father
• he is not being responsible for his actions and tries to present his transgressions as someone else's fault
Either way, I predict that his wife will eventually get hurt. This is the kind of behavior that ruins marriages
Honestly this woman is one of the few psychologists I’ve seen talk on UA-cam or wherever who seems to demonstrate psychology as a practical science. I don’t mean I doubt psychology; it’s hard for me to describe, but it seems like what a lot of psychologists say is ambiguous, or too general, or something.
I don’t know it’s just that she’s exceptionally intelligent and competent, applying the concepts more appropriately and effectively, or takes a different approach.
But anyway, after I endured that first letter, it was good to see her pick the BS apart in such an accurate and constructive way.
I wish my therapist was like this, as I’ve noticed that when you’re feeling a need to talk out problems, especially when you’re hurting, very astute, relevant responses can be amazing. In fact, my experience with “limerance” started this way, when I met a younger woman (I’m 54 and she’s 38, five years older than my stepdaughter) who started talking to me when I was distraught over my adult stepdaughter (from a past marriage, I’m not married or in a relationship). My stepdaughter had recently gone from living with me pregnant and 6 months after having the baby, to going back to (and taking my granddaughters around) her violent abuser, for the 100th time. And in addition, I found out at the same time that she had been doing prostitution through a BDSM website.
The woman who talked to me (very attractive and charismatic of course) told me all about her abuse and hard times but how that was in the past now and she had finally learned her lesson. It turns out the whole time we talked, she was living with the extremely violent, psychotic abuser from most of her stories. But at the time, she seemed to listen to every thing I said and responded with the exact thing I was feeling or had the perfect take on the situation.
The relief I felt at the time when this stranger who was willing to talk to me so extensively about what everyone else took as “dumping” on them, and did such an amazing job talking to me, can’t be overstated.
It was of course very relevant that she was attractive, (beyond the level of physical attractiveness of women normally interested in me), but I insisted on downplaying this. I fell in love to some degree and just absolutely would not admit I did. It sure did not feel good to find out she was lying about her life and when it became obvious she was trying to get some financial benefit from me. So yeah, I’ve never heard “limerance” before, but if is a painful thing I did not need at a time when I was already in a lot of pain.
And the self-BS you’ll do to justify maintaining these relationships also can’t me overstated.
Anyway I’m a product of alcoholic, abusive parents who in addition to the daily abuse, seemed to be on a purposeful mission to destroy self esteem. So I’ll be watching more videos.
She’s not a psychologist. She’s not trained. Everything she knows and has learned has been from her own life experiences and seeking to know and do better. That’s what makes her so great.
I was a therapist/counselor and was told I was the least touchy feely therapist many had met, I was practical and held people accountable. Therapists are not your friend. I'm sorry to hear your struggles this channel will change your life if you let it
@TriciaEllinger I do wish my ex's therapist was able to be more direct but I do understand that many times they're working just to keep them in therapy. He suffers from a lot of splitting and being too direct means he'll just stop going.
He sounds like what I thought when i was in denial about being an alcoholic.
He sounds like how I was when I was so dissociated /in denial about my behaviour when I was younger and didn't have any idea I was reacting/acting out from a childhood with an alcoholic father and, imo, a vulnerable narcissist mother.
I really hope the writer takes on board what Anna has said & gets real about his own behaviour/actions. Imo, if he really wants his relationship with his wife & child to be truly healthy & happy, he needs to work on himself. Do Anna's daily practice; go to Al-Anon (for family & friends of alcoholics) & meet some people who are dealing with & recovering from similar issues; get a therapist who has eg: experience in counselling adult children of alcoholics and/or c-ptsd sufferers.
Limerence /"love" fantasies are like a drug to those of us who've been abused and/or neglected in childhood. Addictive, compulsive & dangerous.
I was afraid of becoming a father with my first born but “Hated” that is a horrible thing.
Don’t judge please
@@cherp5837what’s wrong with judging?
Right?! Who says that after becoming a parent? 🚩
He’s being honest
@@Spec_cs.94 it isn’t necessary here-
“Your mind is you. You’re the person thinking those thoughts” thank God she said that out loud!
I just recently found out about limerance and I feel so much shame for ending up this way. It was for an extreme dismissive avoidant friend with heavy narcissistic traits. I thought I loved her but it was a trauma bond. I believe that intermittent reinforcement and breadcrumbing by the narcissist put me in this place. I walked away a year ago and went strict no contact. I went into this with anxious attachment from childhood with an enmeshed narcissistic mother. After 12 years with this woman in my life, with all the manipulation and confusion, I have flipped into disorganized attachment. I am finally having my first visit with a trauma therapist this Thursday and getting back into my faith.
The most depressing part of all these letters, is the “advice” from alleged therapists…Where the hell these “therapists” got their training from??? It’s awful!!!
And, unprofessional , Unethical.
Seems they do it to keep the weekly PAYMENTS.
Probably got their training from the same place my moms therapist did, who told my mom neglecting her kids and knowingly handing them off to her abusive ex was “doing the best she could and it’s okay because the kids are adults now and don’t owe them anything not even an apology”
@@hailey8941 Omg that therapist should be sued
Or they are not understanding what the therapist is saying, and twisted their words to fit their narrative
In therapists' and doctors' defense, sometimes clients just listen what they want and twist advice ending up weaponizing therapy speak.
My dad, for example, goes to the doctor for his high blood pressure and obesity and the doctor told him that drinking is not good for his health and he questioned how much he could drink and she said just a bit and he heard that he could drink an entire day, because a day is a small portion of a week and also feels entitled to drink a bit of cachaça everyday before lunch, since it also fits the "small amount recommendation"
Damn this first guy triggered me. Thank you for calling him out.
Maladaptive daydreaming x
I feel it's the other way around though... You don't WANT your life to be filled with anything real... Being obessed with an illusion is much safer, and also, a fantasy you can make as interesting, glittery and exciting as you want... Real life is most of the time just boring and dissappointing.
True, but it becomes an issue if you and/or other people suffer and feel pain as a consequence, which is often inevitable with unfulfilled/unrequited connections 🥲
Like that song from the 70s "Imaginary Lover"
I don't feel like it's even that you don't want it, you don't even know what it is to want it in the first place. I know that for me I didn't know there was any other way.
Re the first guy, why is he so determined to have outside female friends? That’s not really a thing that married men do! He is not being honest with himself
My thought also!
It is very much really a thing that married men do! Maybe not in your culture (whatever that may be), but the world is wide and various.
@@avonacolyte very odd. Married men seeking out close friendships with females is normal? Hmmm......completely disagree.
@@stephanied9629 It's not odd, though; it's normal, that's the point. I'm going to take a wild guess that you're an American? In Britain and Europe, it would be decidedly odd to live by the puritanical religious mores of the old American settler society. Even the Evangelical Christians (I know a few) don't seem to do that.
@@avonacolyte lol, it definitely IS odd and breaks boundaries, invites trouble. Has nothing to do with any religion, lol. It's called boundaries, and it's weird as fuck for a married man to be so focused on wanting/having female friends.
14:57 men are going to therapy to validate their ego
Thank you for this amazing video. It could be a complete game changer for me. I am living in a state of limerence all my adult life. Now I have a word for it. I don't know how it can be that I have never heard that word before.
After all these years of therapy and everything.
Thank you so much. I will.dive deep into it. But the letters and your responses already gave a great insight.
Best from Germany 😊
Lars
Vie Glück!
Therapeuten wissen nicht viel über Limerenz. In Deutschland ist das wahrscheinlich unter "Liebessucht" bekannt.
I am suffering from limerance recently I discovered this condition and thanks to your channel
The first letter writer sounds permanently emotionally regressed into childhood. My guess is that he's got a severe passive aggressive streak, because those folks have a tenuous relationship with both personal accountability and the truth. At no point in his letter does he express concern for either his child or his wife. This is a childish, narcissistic adult child and his therapist is most definitely enabling him. Sometimes when a client shows up with a sob story, they believe it, when they should be challenging it. My guess is that either his wife overfunctions and handles most adult responsibilities in the marriage, or she falls into mutual power struggles with him, which allow him to feel a sense of power despite being a helpless child most of the time. Ugh.
I had the exactly same impression, but was afraid of saying it. What a narcissistic adult child!!
I suspect he lies to the therapist and there's probably lies in this letter. People like this lie so much it's hard to separate the truth.
@@CelebrationOfCulture agree. I find it almost impossible to have a productive conversation with a PA because there is no shared sense of objective reality and it's impossible to cut through their defensive bullshit without some sort of unpleasant conversation. it's like, if you want to have a relationship with them you have to support their lies.
You nailed it. Unfortunately that’s my ex step father
@@SleepyPariah Ugh. Glad he's an ex.
First man... the kind of a guy that will never be satisfied with one woman. Always will rush for the better
He is beating around the bush so smoothly that it scares me. He scares me.
I can identify. It’s hard to fill my joyless life.
I had that ah-ha! moment the second I learned about limerence. I've been in and out of a limerent fantasy with 3 different non partners in my 20s and it's tragic. It steals everything from you. I need a community who understands it, Anna.
I hear you. You might want to consider joining our CCF members community. We meet on Zoom calls and interact on our Facebook page. The community is very supporting! Here's a link if you'd like to check it out: courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com/membership
Nika@TeamFairy
why a married man wants women friends??.He is kidding himself.He wasnts to cheat on his wife.He does nor sound like he is a good person.
Guy 1 is giving narcissistic vibes. Bless his heart
Oh my god! Limerance. The world of the week! That’s why romantic movies and novels are so fucked up! THANK YOU!
In general I find the difference between love, love and love very confusing. Probably because I’m bisexual. People have relationships in family, friendship and marriage but to me the differences (the non sexual part) doesn’t make any sense. What does make sense is distinguishing between love, lust and obsession. All of these you can feel for a lot of people. Love is something that grows as you get to know someone and can be found in all three. Lust for some is ignited by the appearance of a person for others it’s a situational thing. Obsession or limerance is what a lot of people think romance is, having a crush is related to this cluster, it’s a delusion of who you want that person to be and it’s not something aspirational. I’ve always thought that romantic feelings are more dangerous than anything and it’s because in popular media limerance, obsession and jealousy are seen as the pinnacle of romance. It isn’t! Romance is a heightened mutual feeling of friendship usually with some physical aspects.
A huge thank you for this topic.
I have not heard of limerance before and it's shocking to me to now learn that I have had limerance in my past. More than once.
I'm really embarrassed to admit.
The last time I was being limerant, I was in physical therapy and started having this limerance towards the therapist. We would talk and laugh and I was thinking about them more and more. I felt we were connecting.
I told myself that he was only being attentive towards me because it's his job. But I was getting a vibe from him that he liked me more than that and I looked forward to my appointments just so I could see him.
Anyway, after a few weeks, I recognized that it wasn't healthy for me to be having the emotions I was developing, it was interfering with my thoughts, function, life.
I'm also married too for decades and I knew it wasn't good to be thinking about someone else like that.
I made the decision to stop going to that particular physical therapy facility. I cancelled the remaining appointments.
That helped me a lot to avoid going there. Though for about a week, a part of me was still "fantasizing" thinking that I may bump in to him somewhere else. It is ridiculous that I got like that.
So another thing I did to "trick" my brain was to think of something I didn't Like that he did or said. There were a couple of things. And that helped to reduce the attractiveness for me.
It worked and it was a relief to get out of that limerance I was in. And now I have no feelings or anything towards him or other "victims" I've had limerance towards. Lol.
I feel so foolish that I've gotten like that.
I have started looking into why I get like this about people.
I know that I lack confidence in myself and have low self esteem. I am working on that. I do have childhood trauma and other trauma in my adult years.
I realize that I don't need another person to validate me. I don't need to look elsewhere for attention and to feel better about myself.
Self love and self care and confidence needs building up.
I want more from my husband and I have conveyed that to him and we have talked on different occasions. He is not the most demonstrative or emotionally available. He does love me though.
I know it's not up to my husband to help me feel better about myself. He doesn't put me down or anything like that. But he's not the best with giving encouragement either, he is not good with giving out compliments to me or any kind of building up. I do pay him compliments and show appreciation.
I suppose at the end of the day It's really up to me to be happy within myself which I'm not. I have to work on me, myself.
Thank you for sharing this. I can relate so much, - and it sounds to me, like you’re really working on your self healing! Well done! 👏🏼 And best wishes for the future ❤
No need to feel shame. You are doing a great job! Thank you for sharing!
Nika@TeamFairy
@@susanneh.7652 Thank you for the encouragement. I wish you the same.
This one was very useful to me, Anna. Thanks for all the very fair, sensitive and exact thoughts.
20 years I live like this, alone from my twenties, now I have 40.. still obsessed and with "hope", ohhh life is such a bad thing for same of us..
Because of you Ana after 20 years, at least I know what it is..
Hang in there! You can heal!
Nika@TeamFairy
Facts. Same here. 37, been dealing with this since I was 14.
thank u for calling him out and educating us ❤
First guy sounds like a creep tbh
First time listening to you- you are absolutely outstanding at this! I can tell right away you're the 'real deal'. Also, what a pleasant speaking voice! Thank you from someone who has experienced limerence
Thank you so much! So glad you are here now. -Frida@TeamFairy
These videos are more valuable than gold
this is amazing
I listen to these three stories and what springs into my mind is “their poor spouses”. Honestly…how they tolerate these weirdos. That’s why we should never stand up and support people with deep traumas. Eventually they will betray you and we deserve better.
The problem is their spouses were lied. That is I suppose the biggest reason they are not leaving them. Second thing is these spouses do not have boundaries, in another words they do not know how to recognize people who do not love them truly. It is impossible you are living with someone for more than 10 years and you can not at least intuitively feel your partner is not truly into you and your connection. Such a shame. People are learning thil the day they die, that is the beauty and horror of life.
Sorry for the dramatic end of my message to you. I truly hope you won't think that supporting traumatized people is a problem. It depends on how we support them and what is our intention.
@@Nillava-k3j ifbthey are willing to have psychotherapy then yes. Inwould support them. Otherwise no thanks. I am working on myself to become bettet and not offload my traumas to my next relationship.
It is possible not to recognise you are unloved for many years If you were unloved by your family.
Whew. I’m always impressed with how Anna, even when dispensing “tough love”, shows real compassion for each person.
That stood out to me with the first segment in this video, where the letter writer has to be one of the most deluded and self-involved of any I’ve seen on this channel. Wow. It’s like his wife and son don’t really exist except in relation to his wants. He’s shown no concern for them or for the state of his marriage. It also sounds like the “emotional affair” woman stopped giving him what he wanted or disappointed him somehow. It didn’t sound like he was hurt by guilt over his actions.
I can’t know, but it’s my impression also that these special female friends are more likely acquaintances and everything else is just fantasy on his part. He seems unable to truly consider others as people in their own right. To mention how his father can’t understand how he hurt him, and yet seem oblivious and unconcerned about how his own actions and feelings would be hurtful to his own young son, is pretty telling. Not sure what kind of feedback he expected or what motivated him to write in. He sounds very attached to a fantasy-based view point all around. Maybe Anna’s response will help him refocus on reality, whether as a dedicated family man or a guy who starts over.
He uses his father as an excuse to hurt others. He externalizes his responsibility.
He behaves in utterly irresponsible ways.
Avoidant attachment disorder
No offence, but the first letter writer displays a lot of toxic behaviors and the dishonesty makes me angry. The toxic behaviors include:
Dishonesty and lies.
Blaming others for his own decisions and actions.
Projection.
Hating his newborn.
Betraying the trust of his wife.
Creeping up on women in random contexts (work, hobby, etc.), pretending to want friendship, but then flirting with them; and when they reciprocate, blaming them for reciprocating.
I don't know, but these are all classic behaviors of abusers. I doubt this is a case of limerence. This is someone who feeds off of other people's romantic energy, but doesn't have the intention to be in an honest and healthy relationship.
I feel so sorry for his wife and his child. And for the women he uses as a projection surface or fantasy.
Oh my gosh I was prone to this and what a tough lesson to learn!
It would be deeply isolating for the mother to have the husband hate being a father. Hard to be intimate with someone when they aren’t stepping up and are emotionally going out on the relationship after just having a baby. He has some major growing up to do stop blaming the woman you don’t need woman friends it’s an excuse to have other women on standby and it’s rooted in insecurity the need for validation.
So much respect to the whole subscribers and the fairy woman no sarcasm...much respect. .peace people
There is no such thing as closure @ 35:55. Amen to that!
Great one. I have limerence. I told the limerent object about my feelings and he left. It s been one year and I am getting a divorce because of that partly. You describe it so well and true it has blocked everything in my life. And was due to lack of joy and fun. Really it went far.
He rather want advice on having a successful friendship
With other women than a successful marriage with the women she married ! Geez
You are telling it how it is!!❤
My sympathy goes out for the wife and the kid. He could be working on becoming a real man , real father real husband. But...
I became limerant when my relationship of 8 years finally ended. I didn’t know at a time that my LO was a band aid for loneliness and depression.
My confidence was at an all time low, and LO was so charismatic and confident. Looking back, it all makes sense now why limerance kicked in.
There is a pattern where he needs validation of being worthy through a romantic relationship yet experiences and projects shame and guilt in romantic attachments. I wonder whether he has worked on this pattern in therapy. It is sad that his father was not someone he could idealise and develop a healthy identity when he was young and in-spite of it he might have internalised some of his father's behaviour or personality traits. It could also be that his unsatisfactory relationship with his father during an earlier part of his life, is unfinished business for him which he tries to get closure on by creating more troubling relationships. I hope he is able to work through this and live a happy life.
@Analysis Paralysis WOW, WOW, WOW....I just finished watching a documentary about the American novelist Ernest Hemingway, and the guy in this letter sounds just like him!!!
Was Hemingway like this, too? Wow, I didn't know that, I should watch the documentary!
I'm beginning to think a LARGE portion of male writers are narcissistic.
Is the documentary available on UA-cam?
@@Analysis_Paralysis It might be. I saw it on PBS. You should be able to catch it there.
I fell for a guy who made me feel so insecure by these interactions he showed me often with ' female friends' he had. 45 ( married, taken,single) woman blocked from different countries. He would talk badly about me to woman i could never talk to. I explain emotional cheating and how he is enabling. He wouldn't listen. He discarded me when i called him out.. we have no contact but he is so much on my mind... thank you for the honest truth and teaching about childhood effects
First guy’s an asshole! You’re a cheater who doesn’t care what you do to your wife! You weren’t seduced! You tried to build a relationship with someone you were attracted to and you didn’t shut it down as soon as you realised what’s going on. Just as you aren’t at the moment you wrote that letter. Do you want to stay with the mother of your children or not?!
Guy number two I genuinely feel sorry for. Your ex isn’t good for you. Just don’t! She isn’t good for your! Your wife on the other hand sounds wonderful! Romance isn’t just something that exists. It takes effort. Seriously rethinking what you want your relationship to her to be like. Maybe a breakup is the right thing! Maybe you can work it out and fall in love again! Maybe you can change the type of relationship you have to a different type of marriage. A queer platonic one, an open one, a familial relationship, idk. Think about what you want and find some fucking friends. Not just one, or two, at least a handful. Find a hobby, something social, try to talk to others about your opinions on things, try and hang out with them. I’m sure your wife would love to help you with understanding what a good friendship is and what you can do with friends. First I’d recommend expanding your social circle (anyone but your ex!) and then openly discussing how you feel with your wife and how you want to go forward in your relationship with her. You don’t owe it to your children to stay in an unhappy marriage. Maybe you owe it to them to not fully fuck it up and to stay on talking terms but they are old enough to understand that you’re relationship problems have little to nothing to do with the children.
agreed
he lies here to all of us.
When you read the part about how his dad and him didn't used to get along and had a bad relationship, but now things are so much better... I wrote almost the exact same thing in a letter once, and I didn't realize until later that I was in a totally dissociated, rose-colored glasses, Pollyanna self state at the time. I read the letter later and I was like "what?! Who the heck wrote this? This is highly inaccurate..." He might be right about his current relationship with his dad today, but he also very well could be dissociated and unable to see the full reality like I was when I wrote my letter. It's a very weird phenomenon, the way we can distort reality and see things through a fantasy lens sometimes...
You are giving away your time, and attention, from your wife.
And son
This young man is my age....he needs to raise hid kid......he doesn't think he can survive unless he is occupied and serving other women he's tripn
You are very very helpful. The
Alanon twist in too many sentences sounds of the "program" conitioning.
I stopped getting limerent if that's the word the second I gave birth to my son. All of the sudden, my need to be loved took a second place and I started to focus on the love I was able to give to someone and get something wonderful in return. My son changed my life. I'm not married to his dad, but we co-parent in the best interest of our son. I love my son. I wish I had him even sooner than 22 because I'm a better person for him.
“My wife is very supportive of this.” How many of us said along with Anna, “Oh no, she’s not!!” I don’t think this person is cut out for “close personal relationships” with women who are not his wife. He is lying to himself, his wife and his swim instructor. Not a surprising behavior pattern when you grew up with an alcoholic parent, but that is no excuse for continuing to act in ways that are destructive to other people and yourself. I hope he can hear the wisdom in Anna’s response and turn things around. His little boy deserves to have a father who is working towards healing. 💗
Carter.. The Player!!
I hope you all heals and also Free palestine 🇵🇸
I think most of my life is this, I seem real cool and then people get to know me and realize that im actually sad, lonely, and overworked...
Glad you are here.
Nika@TeamFairy
You. Are. Amazing.
Good one
In regard to women who cross the line and flirt with him: in my experience men frequently confuse being nice with flirting. They don't seem to know it's not flirting when a woman is just being friendly and nice to them and trying to be their friend. It seems they take any positive attention as flirting.
Hi....i feel so empty ,can't take it anymore .almost 58 and lost my identy last September when i had to relieve my beloved dog from suffering .I m divorcecd from a narcisist since 2016 who had made my life hell since 2000 .my sons are still students and now they dont need me anymore . I lived in athens for more than 30 years and tried to make a new Start last january .It failed ,since today I got stuck though I was in a clinic for five weeks in der April . My sons hope thst I find back to live but until today I'm stuck and scared .I went to stay at my sisters ,who has schizophrenia since january ..i became much worse and feel so lonely although she is there. I want to go back but there also I am lonely .I stay und n bed until the afternoon then I watch videos on UA-cam and the next morning same thing .Iam so scared .tommorow I will meet my younger son who hopes that I will finally get well
Therapists have long waiting lists and the chance to find one who is good at traumatherpy is really low.
Hi, I don't know you and we may never meet. Your life has meaning, you have value. There are options in life, when it comes to what we want vs what we actually need, it may take time, support, self support and just one small step. Your message is a great small step. It tells me you are a warrior, my heart sees you. All my best sweet heart
I would suggest a narc abuse recovery support group. I am also a survivor of covert narcissisic sociopath abuse
You do matter to so many. Don't give up
Just because your sons aren’t dependent on you anymore doesn’t mean they don’t want you and what is best for you! Wishing you the best and sending you a hug from Sweden!
❤ please stay strong. You matter. Talk to help groups online.. just keep talking write it out... healing from toxic people is hard, but again, you matter. ❤
This guy is full of BS. Disassociated my ass. He’s talking a good game, complete with psychological buzzwords, to try to get permission and reinforcement. I love how you are straight up with him.
Please do a video on how marriage is a shaky thing
I thought i had problems but listening about the jerk who's disgruntled to be father i understand i can cope. I only sorry for the baby
Your wonderful, thank you so much
I had never heard the word limerence before. But I certainly have experienced it. Fascinating feedback for the first guy, and I completely agree. Apropos of nothing, Anna looks like Geena Davis, Mary McDonnell, and Rebecca DeMornay. 😂
Yes! I see Rebecca Demornay in the eyes and hair and I see Geena Davis in her mouth and the way she speaks. All three women are beautiful
Dear Fairy, could you please do a video about 'apathy.' I have spent many years not caring, simply not caring about anything, including my personal safety.I thought I had depression but it has recently been suggested that it could be apathy.
I was called out by the title alone..
I felt that as a child for cartoon characters, Launchpad McQuack seemed like he would have been a great friend..
It's so strange how I totally have this issue despite having two loving parents who gave me an overall nice childhood. I mean, they did get divorced when I was young, but even then they were incredibly civil about the whole thing and never involved me in a toxic way at all in their separation. I think maybe my emotional neglect trauma was likely due to disappointing romantic experiences in my youth more than my parental upbringing then. I guess I just underestimated how severe of an impact as mere romantic frustration in my youth may have had on me as an adult, because I 100% am someone guilty of being tempted by limerence love.
The first case, maybe he is a child-man not yet knowing his boundary and hasn’t PLATED THE FIELD so to speak to experience other relationships. Sounds like he needs to move on, and be honest with his wife about everything.
Go Anna!
Hated becoming a father … A+ 🙄😨
👎🏻🚫
Im in a severe limerent state now. She blocked me because i get to creepy and needy. Now im stalking and destroying. I cant go on anymore..to much pain
Haven't found a decent substitute for it yet though. What's the alternative? Empty WITHOUT the warm fuzzy limmerance? No thanks.
I have a problem with people throwing around the diagnosis of post partumdepression Willy nilly
Umm first guy IS a Narc!
I knew one just like this. Loved to go to therapy since it meant focus on HIMSELF and he could learn all the lingo to fake out multiple women on how ‘enlightened’ and ‘modern’ he was.
Remember narcs love to triangulate women. I don’t think this is limerance, this is his brain trying to justify triangulation, in secret.
#1 since when does a guy ‘need’ female friends ??
#2 stop making or having female friends
#3 only focus on having male friends. All this garbage would disappear. The end.
Had the same guy do this to me. Just showing me / telling me about his interactions with ( married) woman almost every day! I think this story, like you said reaks of narc tendencies.. poor kid, poor wife....😢
For the record, it was well known at the time that even during their marriage Camilla’s former husband Andrew Parker Bowles was a philanderer. Andrew’s always known about Charles.
Tell bro not to have female friends ☠️
If his dad was an alchoholic having a child would bring up all the bad experiences he had at that age each time so that's why he hated being a father. It's connected to his dad being an alchoholic. Every time he location his child he will be reminded of stuff that happened to him at that stage so of course he hated being a father. Totally connected to his dad being an alchoholic. It can be recovered from if he loves and parents his own inner Child and these emotional affairs of someone seeing him or getting him is often linked to emotional incest with nothing physical desired but is being unfaithful
Why is he so gung ho about having a bunch of female friends?
Can you be limerant not for another person, but another life?
I feel love starved but I have people who love me. But I can’t feel it, except for a few times with the women I had an emotional affair (cut it off myself, came clean, but nothing really changed). I don’t obsess about her, but I fantasize about a whole other life when I more free to explore those feelings.
You aren't your thoughts.....