Why You Cling The Most to People Who Treat You The Worst
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- Опубліковано 20 січ 2024
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Neglect and abandonment in childhood can leave you with "crossed wires" -- when someone you love mistreats you, you may feel the uncontrollable urge to make them happy -- to make them love you, even if it means abandoning yourself. In this "best of" compilation, I share four of my most popular videos on the subject of CLINGING in relationships.
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You are the best! You are the friend I need! I have finally accepted my limerence infatuation with a married coworker. He is married but my brain will question if it is true. Bloody hell the trickery is draining.
I am finally taking ownership of my life. I am enrolling in some community classes and looking forward to making some female friends. Life is limitless and I am done living within the limits I created to stay safe.
Yes! Keep up the great work!
Nika@TeamFairy
Keep us posted on the community classes.
I’ve had the red flags wrapped around my face too & couldn’t see through my own trauma either
This sounds soooo so much like my past self ❤
I can certainly identify omg. He was not forthcoming, but when I learned a man w/whom I’d formed a friendly and “hopeful” relationship was married, I was in limerance, living a fantasy, yet in denial about it. I learned from his co-workers (all med pros as was I) he had that rep w/women. To avoid weirdness I requested to salvage a friendship and he agreed, but kept wanting to make out and requesting to come to my place. All he really wanted was sex, but I’m grateful I didn’t give in although felt guilty b/c I didn’t resist the stolen kisses in private places. I did end up writing 3 letters to hospital management b/c he preyed on young students and new staff, per coworkers report. I told if my own involvement w/ him as well and included my phone number, but did not name anyone else. I didn’t report out of vengeance and I’ve stayed away. I still found him attractive and liked him despite “that” behavior. I believe I did the right thing but have one friend (who’d initially told me of his indiscretions after his initial passionate attempts to get with me) who has own been strongly berating me for writing, and now wants nothing to do with me. I did feel guilt and shame but have a couple friends who support me. When does sex addiction change to predation or worse? And if a woman gets “caught” in it, is again victimized. I am and will continue to learn from this. I was molested by maternal step g-father and my alcoholic father was abusive (esp verbally and emotionally) until the day he died at 82. My mother taught me to “stay” and put up with. My own ex was violent. Notice a pattern? I am an attractive, intelligent pro, but have not completely owned my “true worth” apparently. At least it was only a cpl months and I woke up. I now joined a “love strategies” course and won’t date until i can really succeed at being emotionally healthy and honor myself. Thank you. CCF your podcasts have illuminated many things for me, and others honesty and vulnerability have inspired and encouraged. Thank you. 🙏🏼
@@gracepoint3You were right to report your coworker's behavior. What he was doing was putting patients in danger by messing with the heads of the people on the team. That kind of distraction and misery was not going to do anything good for your organization or patients. That guy can play his games elsewhere - it was completely inappropriate and destructive for him to do that at work - especially on company time!
It's too bad a friend of yours doesn't get it. Someday they may understand. If not, oh well. You don't need a friend who berates you, anyway.
I did that in my 20s- 30. After that I reverted to trying to make my parents love ME. Almost begging them to see me how I am, but they refused. I finally gave up . 😢
Same here.
Giving up and seeing reality might be the 2 sides of the same coin. You can only get unstuck, heal and move forward if you’re willing to accept who people you’re trying to connect with actually are. What they cannot or will not give in a relationship is necessary to see however disappointing or painful that understanding might be. It is the only place to to begin to create a new satisfying life.
AMAN❤
Me too, but it was with my adult children. After decades of trying to make them love me, only to be treated with disrespect, contempt, and outright hatred I finally got the message that things were never going to change, and I walked away / no contact. Since up to that point I was always the one who had initiated contact with them anyway, I predictably never heard from them again. I moved on with my life. Without their emotional abuse and chaos, my life is now much more pleasant, enjoyable, and stress-free. Sometimes we must realize that we’re playing a game that we can never win, and that the only option is to remove yourself from the field.
@@llkellenba😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊
It's sad, but we get very used to being treated with disregard, to the point that it feels normal. Best wishes to Layla!
Boundaries might help
Yes, we expect to be treated with disrespect.
May God bless and heal all the women that have been used, abused, stolen from and taken advantage of by others. May He restore to them all the good things that they lost and provide them with the love, comfort, healing, peace, safety, and security that they need.
God bless you, Ms. Anna. You are such a gift to all those that are suffering/have suffered at the hands of evil, selfish, inconsiderate people. Thank you so much!
Wanting everyone to like us is a fear response but it doesnt make us safer.
That woman in the first letter has been so mistreated her entire life. It's sad.
Yes!!!! But her resilience and ability to see the truth so clearly now is nothing short of amazing! I’m SO PROUD OF HER ❤❤❤
I’d be honored to be her Mom, Sister or Friend… what a humble and wise blessing she is and will be to the family and friends she chooses in life ❤
I always abandon my needs over anyone’s demands. I’m so tired.
We understand as few others can. You're in the right place and we're here to help :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I have been there. You should start saying no to people and put your needs first at least 1 time out of 3. It depends on the situation but if you don't want to do something and afraid to let people down say no to them anyway but explain that you are tired. Your true friends will understand. It gets better, trust me. Your life quality will excel when you listen more to your own needs.
@@Masha_SulymI know how distressing it could be for us to put ourselves first but we got to do it cuz if we don’t put ourselves first, we will never have a chance to love ourselves.. putting ourselves means loving ourselves!! Remember god help those who help themselves..😀😀 & I’m glad that you did what’s best for yourself!!! I hope you’ll keep flourishing through out your life…❤️🩹❤
I had a therapist describe your condition as a "self-sacrificing schema"
As someone who did the same for many years of their life, saying that popped in my head was “don’t do for others, but you won’t even do for yourself” that has been my mantra and maybe It can help you. You need to be selfish because everyone else is
I had a critical mother but even if I did what she wanted there was still no affection. I have been in relationships where I was treated badly verbally and I now realise that I'm beginning to understand what abandoning myself is. I go over and over in my head things I've said and try to change for the person. I don't know who I am.
Same with me. Doing what I was told didn't bring attention or conditional love, only a break in the daily abuse. That was the price, a little break from constant abuse.
I have been so demonized since childhood, I bought the idea there was something wrong and sinful about me.😢
@lyrielonwind so very sorry. At birth, you were a perfect little being! But being born to people who were incapable of love is such hell. Maybe picture yourself on that first day, before anyone treated you badly, before anyone could make you feel less than enough, focus on your soul as it was in your first hour of life. A loving nurse cleaning you and wrapping you up. Now start writing your life story from there, as you deserved to have it play out. Your birth parents managed to give you form and life, but you must create the rest. Make it magical and wonderful, as you so richly deserve! 🎉 ❤
Thank you for watching. Daily Practice can help sort through things that feel confusing. You can try it free here: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Nika@TeamFairy
Just knowing you don't know who you are, David, is a step in the right direction! Keep up the good work! You will figure it out!
A real angel called Fairy!
I’m going through shifting this right now. It’s intense, shifting the very foundations your childhood was based on.
It totally is ❤❤ be gentle with yourself as you heal ❤
It's intense but we can do this 💪❤
26 years down the drain for me. My husband is a narcissist and my mom too. I was blamed and shamed for everything wrong with the relationship.
Are you out of the marriage?
‘Obedience’ is defined as ‘compliance or submission to another’s authority’. Consider the kind of spouse who will insist that you submit to their authority. Not someone who loves or values you.
I had this problem last year with two relationships I could see were very flawed but I had really gotten to a place where so many people around me had serious issues that it had just started to seem normal at that point. I really started to believe that I was asking for too much in trying to find mature, emotionally balanced, responsible adults to hang out with and date so I lowered my standards. I also got called stuck up a lot for simply being in a better place in a lot of ways than the people I was around the most. This year I've just decided that if I cannot find what I need then it's better to go solo. I just do not need the stress from trying to make unacceptable people acceptable.
You will find that Aloneness is very healing. Might take a while, though. Hope you are able to find some healthy friendships too!
I resonate with your comment so much that I took printscreen of it. I hope you don't mind. I am on the same boat. I still believe right people will appear. Take care ❤️
My mother just told she feels sorry for me that I am alone, yet it's more healthy to be solo like you said then deal with mistreatment. No non receptacle (sp?) relationships. Fake relationships or abusive partners.
I do not need the stress from trying to make unacceptable ppl acceptable!!! That part! 👏🏼 ❤
@@annamachalska762 I just saw your comment. Thanks. Good luck on your journey as well!
That was me, but not anymore.
Same here! Finally done with that!
Yay
You can't often see the reality of the picture when you are in it. Different cultures indoctrinate us, so deeply, that many assumptions are unconscious. My culture, I observed through experience and books, movies, had accepted readily, that women could be physically abused, and it was socially accepted. Just like the series/ books, " My Brilliant Friend", the new wife came back from her honeymoon with a black eye. People, parents accepted this as life. Same thing happened to my eldest sister. Rejecting parts of cultural norms that exist, is a brave journey. If this is the case, and it may not be... I am surmising, finding your own personal boundaries, will be a life long journey. Draw a strict line in the sand for your most precious value.... your own self respect.
❤
Sending you strength Leila. From someone who understands. One step in front of the other. You are worth it, lovable and anyone who says otherwise has no place in your landscape ❤
Your encouragement for the letter-writer is so valuable. Thank you for your comment.
Nika@TeamFairy
I tried to but nothing I did pleased my mother, grandmother, and aunt. I looked like my dad that they all hated and I was a red head. I was...I say was because I stopped begging for love...I was verbally demeaned my entire childhood and adult hood. Even my 5 sons begged me to not talk to any of them because every time I cried after each visit or call. My 4th son recently died horribly and no 'family ' came to his funeral. I realized finally that I was never loved. It was a hard pill to swallow but finally getting it has freed something in my being. It's been a very lonely grief process and I doubt the grief will ever end, but I'm not living in a lie anymore.
I'm so sorry no one from your family supported you through the loss of your son, that is so painful. I hope you find friends who feel like honorary family-- kind, safe, forthright people.
So many people want a "whipping boy". They are frickin' nuts. My ex-husband, early in our marriage, fixed his gaze on me and said, "I am your God-husband." I laughed in his face. For quite a while. Maybe it was what oafish men from his culture were trained to say to their wives. He appeared to adapt to a more Westernized model. But reverted as he got older. Who even knows. Doesn't matter. I'm glad we divorced,. I don't like my own, shallow-emotioned culture in the US. But I'm so glad I base my life on what suits me, now.
We westerners ARE a bit shallow, eh?
What's a whipping boy and a god husband?
Did this a lot and ended up being mean to the sane, healthy,kind folks who became wary of me(see them as that only now) and drawn to mean, cold, devaluing jerks or people plain wrong for me. Such a good, put-the-brakes video. 💚 Thanks for this.
My first time cutting ties in the first half of realization and I'm so proud of my growth almost 2 months into a relationship and I noticed he'd been feeding me lies... His mask slipped and after all the oversharing I did in hope for a better future feels to have been wasted but I am aware it's not it's a sign to tighten up those boundaries in the future and focus on self and my personal goals... Forget closure.
13:32 they’d love me if I changed and was not me
14:43 I know if I just change this
17:10 never being praised
My mother was very critical also, I felt like I was always walking on egg shells.
My recommendation for you is to let go the expectation of her that she will change etc
Just let it go, and you will be more relax
Her criticism is rooted from her inability to accepting you as who you are, she dont see you as you, but as something she want for herself that she cant achieve
She forgot that half your dna is from your father, so ofc your personality, like and dislike will not be 100% like her
At first, it will result with feeling lonely, so i recommend you to have emotionally healthy and mature friend or community that will help you
And if you are Christian, i recommend you to change from your mother to God, to let go your mother and let God to be your father, mentor and guide, coz your mother cant guide you well with her criticism, her word cant encourage instead it will discourage and shredding you
Isaiah 49:15, can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she borne? Though she may forget you, I (God) will not forget you!
If you let go your expectation toward her, you will no longer live with her standard that unrealistic and you will feel more freeing and more alive
If she say you selfish, ignore her, if she cant love you as who you are, it's her problem not yours
Coz God will not agree with her behavior, since it's abusive when she should be protector of her child that need her but she misuse her authority
My recommendation for you is to let go the expectation of her that she will change etc
Just let it go, and you will be more relax
Her criticism is rooted from her inability to accepting you as who you are, she dont see you as you, but as something she want for herself that she cant achieve
She forgot that half your dna is from your father, so ofc your personality, like and dislike will not be 100% like her
At first, it will result with feeling lonely, so i recommend you to have emotionally healthy and mature friend or community that will help you
And if you are Christian, i recommend you to change from your mother to God, to let go your mother and let God to be your father, mentor and guide, coz your mother cant guide you well with her criticism, her word cant encourage instead it will discourage and shredding you
Isaiah 49:15, can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she borne? Though she may forget you, I (God) will not forget you!
If you let go your expectation toward her, you will no longer live with her standard that unrealistic and you will feel more freeing and more alive
If she say you selfish, ignore her, if she cant love you as who you are, it's her problem not yours
Coz God will not agree with her behavior, since it's abusive when she should be protector of her child that need her but she misuse her authority
Thank you sooo much Ms. Anna ! I believe you were a Godsend to me . I struggled for years , a decade of abuse in a relationship I thought I could fix like the first letter woman you spoke about. I caved . Forgot myself and did everything I could to keep this person happy. To no avail 😢. He never was completely happy with anything did . It took a miracle to escape this horrible relationship . Long story short, I was about to become a first time grandmother and he used the excuse to leave me . He said “ I’ll never have enough time for him but rather my grandchild “. So he moved out . Thanking God for giving me a way out from the hell I was dealing with 😇🙏✝️☮️🌹--Anna , you made things clear to my mind to stay focused on me because I deserve respect, amen !! 🤍 🕊️
Glad you are here!
Nika@TeamFairy
This helped very much. I'm doing the "withdrawal" and the "bunny slippers," without realizing it. Thank you for pointing out that it's OK to work towards being OK.
I'm 66 now. And it seems I've lost my personality, me. I have a good support system, so I will work hard on finding me. You're the best! ❤
We're all rooting for you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I can really id with this gal. “I’m dancing as fast as I can,” and it’s never ever enough… nothing I did was enough … for my alcoholic dad, my ex.. phew. My mother was ill and taught me to “stay” and tolerate, and didn’t stand up to the abuse. I used to ask and tell her to leave. She died at 48, but these patterns and behaviors were already ingrained, unbeknownst to me for a long time, and I chose accordingly. Thank you for sharing. ❤
It sounds like he and his family wanted someone you can never be, and they pulled you into their mess but blamed you for being the one they chose. You can’t change where you were born, you can’t change who you are… and you don’t need to.
You were dealt a crappy hand with your own family and it made you a little blind to abuse (I know this from my own experience!) but your instincts are telling you that it’s a bad situation and you’re right to listen to them!! 💕
I think the response to Leyla was missing something essential. Leyla has never been told she is wonderful just as she is.
I bet she really needs to change the core belief that she’s not good enough, &/or that she has to earn people’s love and admiration.
Leyla needs to be told that she IS enough, that no one can decide if she is or isn’t, and she needs to value herself first.
There’s no way to imagine having supportive friends if you think you don’t deserve it and that it wouldn’t take long before anyone would realize it was a mistake. You have to focus on believing in the inherent value you have, and know that no one can take that from you.
Thank you for sharing your insight.
Nika@TeamFairy
Leyla should get involved with horses. Horse therapy. The horses will give her the support and love that humans don't. And working with such large animals over time give you self confidence too. They are great for people who have CPTSD. And trauma. Just grooming them and spending time with them. They accept you into the herd.
I have been doing horse therapy since Jan 2019. Now I have been riding for 2 years. But they accept me. While having autism + CPTSD most people don't.
@@sarahb.6475 -- I can imagine being with therapy horses would be very helpful. Yes! They accept us! And they're not concerned about the superficial things humans are, so their needs are easy to meet while being with them.
And I imagine growing in confidence in learning how to be with them and ride them. I think that's a WONDERFUL suggestion, @sarahb.6475 !
I can so identify with all of this. I married a narcissist when I was 19. He never had anything good to say about me and constantly compared me to an ex-girlfriend. When I finally walked away and pursued a divorce, he hid from me to make it as hard as possible for me to find him just to sign the papers. I never understood why - until now.
That must have been so difficult. -Calista@TeamFairy
I married my ex quickly, at 7 months, because I was afraid that I would change my mind. I wish that I had given it time...
Pretty much my last relationship
Objectively knew i shouldn't be tolerating someone making fun of my body and my voice and even being racist but i kept trying to hold on
Story of my life
You're in the right place :) -Calista@TeamFairy
um what if you didnt know you were being mistreated? but other ppl told you that you were? if you never experience being treated respectfully, you never see red flags. i mean how do you know what you dont know?
THis. It's sad to say but a lot of people really do live with varying levels of mistreatment from the people around them. It's just noramlized and after a while living like that, who are you to expect better treatment? It honestly wasn't until I got much older that I realized that most of the people I've known throughout my life were deeply damaged and were not people I needed to remain around if I wanted to grow as a person. But recognized that and trying to live it is hard. You have to cut out a lot of people who just aren't in the same place as you are.
IMO You may not "see" red flags, but I'll venture out to say that you "feel" them.
You may not be able to verbalize it, but deep down you know something is wrong, something is causing you uneasiness, low self esteem, fear, anxiety, apprehension, etc. when around a person(s.)
I say pay attention to how you feel around a certain person & be honest with yourself. Often, people drown that voice out because they think they're overreacting or they really want a relationship with them.
Look to see if you have a pattern of choosing bad friends, bad boyfriends/gf's, of being a people pleaser, of not having boundaries, etc. This could point towards the fact that something happened in the past that is causing you to make bad choices in relationships and needs to be addressed.
Today, there's the internet and people have access to information about dv, dating, psychology, etc. People are bound to stumble upon information about what a healthy relationship is. Also, most people interact with others...classmates, collegues, etc... you're going to hear about their relationships with parents, siblings or significant others. You'll compare their experiences to yours...I think we all have done that since we were kids, idk
In short, I think we all know deep down when we're being mistreated, but some people just gaslight themselves, detach or think they're overreacting...all in an effort to cope.
Yes! In one therapy session, my therapist looked at me and said: and your never thought that was somehow not normal? Well, no. I had been born into it. I ran at nineteen, but not because I was consciously rejecting my family, just from a gut feeling that I needed out. Twenty years, a horrible marriage and three children later, I still am convinced that I am unlovable...there are good days, when I am able to perceive myself as an ok-ish human being. But it's still only on the surface.
You NOT unlovable!@@brera2434 Start looking at yourself in the mirror and say, _________, I accept you just as you are, and I Love you! (even if it feels strange!)
My dad is a pentecostal minister. I’ve been struggling my whole life with the idea of obedience. As much good as I do…it’s never enough. I will always be labeled as disobedient and disrespectful even though I try my best. I don’t really know if I’m supposed to embrace the labels or create my own……
How do you feel now?
It's so common with ministers' kids that it's a literary trope. For example, in Agatha Christie's Why Didn't They Ask Evans, Bobby's father is like that. That's probably why preachers' kids are famous for rebelling; whatever you do to try to please, it's wrong or not good enough.
To the author - find kind strangers (women you trust) I would have helped you. Many people would. In this case, the people you already know are no good for you. Better to take chances with others.
You said support yourself with good people, what if there is no one around to turn to, what if that person who’s mistreating you is the only one you’ve got in entire word?
They want you to think that they want you to be isolated you do not need them find yourself❤
Then you need to build up your relationship with yourself. Become someone you know you can depend on and show up for yourself. Do NOT depend on the person mistreating you any more than you absolutely have to. I used to make it a little game of setting up little challenges for myself to overcome--can I do x task without asking for this person's help? If I managed it by myself, I'd reward myself. You just keep doing it over and over again until you get away from that person and build a life of your own.
i had a emotionallly n unpredictable parents who would keep on saying to relatives or any new person they met that i m worthless"but it was depicted in a jokes n i realised it was unhealthy later in my life....n i had a overly narcissitic & anger issue brother who would try to control my life N HE STOPPED TALKING TO ME LAST 2 YEARS AGO!! SAD THING IS THAT WE ALL LIVE TOGETHER, N I HAVE THE MOST TOXIC RELATIONSHIP WITH MY PARTNER!! EMOTIONALLY UNAVIALABLE N WORST THING IS MY WHOLE CLASSMATES IN MY UNIVERSITY LOOKS DOWN ON ME N ABANDON ME!!!!!! i rarely have a healthy ppl in my life.....I CANT DO ANYTHING!!!! JUST SIT IN MY ROOM WHOLEDAY........you are a guiding light in my life!!!!! your videos are gradually helping me.............
Right on. I used to watch TV but I've gotten into health and wellness so I avoid tv. This is one of the many YT channels that helps relieve my depression. Also I sang/played hundreds of cover songs on my channel, and some originals. Hoping to start streaming and get into nonpartisan punditry. Peace, everyone!
Dearest Layla, my sister in Islam. Please put into consideration your personality when you want to move on in life. And I believe it is critical that you move on and onto a much better life and lifestyle. If we keep thinking what went wrong, why they went wrong and keep rethinking the memories, it can keep us in a state of limbo which is even more painful than the first time we experience the pain, because physically there is no escape from your own mind.
Recognize the best parts of your life- what made you happy, what type of friends you like, what type of gatherings and career you like and focus your growth on all these areas as much as you can. Focus on grooming yourself for your own sake. Focus on getting on a fitness regime and eating healthy. Keep your space from people who have hurt you so badly because even if they change their behavior and you find it in your heart to forgive them, your bran will recognize that you are in a stressful situation and that's bad for your nervous system.
Try and grow a support system with women of quality around you, who are strong and loyal. Surround yourself with people you would like to be like. Stay away from drugs and alcohol. Trust Allah's plan, you are a diamond my dear and you are going to see your own potential. Make the life you want for yourself and next time that you marry, take your time into considering if they are good enough for you and not the other way around. I atleast hope your ex husband had given you your hakk mehr and if not, let it go. The trash took itself out and there is a lot of trash in this world.
Don't think you are a victim my dear, your entire life will turn around. Watch how you talk to yourself and work hard on yourself like you deserve all the love in the world and inshaAllah you will see the change in your life. Don't give up after minor setbacks. It is the start of something brand new for you. Stay sharp and have tawakkul.
Don't feel guilty about standing up for yourself from now on. And if you do, which is something difficult to rewire right away, say to yourself that you may be a little toxic but you are no victim. Trust me, you are not toxic to stand up for your rights. Marry a better man next time and never take decisions from your heart. Sharper your mind and rely upon it. I hope you the best in this world and the Hereafter. I love you, layla. My name is very similar to yours and it felt like I had always known you somehow. JazakAllah khayr
I went to bed last night thinking about this video and this woman, and that Jewel song 'Stronger Woman' started playing in my head. Here are the lyrics for anyone not familiar with the song. It always bucks me up when I hear it.
I guess you could say
I'm one of those girls
That's always been with one of those guys
You know the type
Like right now
He sleeps while I write
But it's better than crying
Warn out from trying
From loving a man who always makes it clear
I am not welcome here
Just till he's horny or hungry or needs something clean
You know what I mean
But not tonight
Cause come the morning light, oh
I'm gonna love myself
More than anyone else
Believe in me
Even if someone can't see
The stronger woman in me
I'm gonna be my own best friend
Stick with me till the end
Won't lose myself again
Never, no
Cause there's a stronger woman
A stronger woman in me
Light bulbs buzz I get up
And head to my drawer
Wish there was more
I could say
Another fairy tale fades to Grey
I've lived on hope
Just like a child
Walking that mile
Faking that smile
All the while
Wishing my heart had wings
Well tonight I am gonna be
The kind of woman I want my daughter to be
I'm gonna love myself
More than anyone else
Believe in me
Even if someone can't see
There's a stronger woman in me
Won't lose myself again
Never, no
Cause there's a stronger woman, a stronger woman
This is me packing up my bags
This is me headed for the door
This is me the best you ever had
I'm gonna love myself
More than anyone else
Believe in me, even if someone can't see
There's a stronger woman in me
I'm gonna be my own best friend
Stick with me till the end
Won't lose myself again
Never, no
Cause there's a stronger woman, stronger woman
There's a stronger woman in me
Yeah
I relate so much to the second story!! I needed to hear this so very much. I finally blocked him and have been struggling to not reach back out! Thank you for sharing this. I worked for a year to try and make it work and he constantly used hypothetical and future faking. I also found out he was dating someone secretly because of their position in the military. I'm still struggling, but your work was recommended by my therapist and I'm so happy she did. 💝 Thank you CCF!
These reality checks are so helpful while continuing to move forward and growing true self love
I'm so glad :) -Calista@TeamFairy
THANK YOU, my support today in depths of despair & black hole trauma can shade over a life without warning. You make my life better. ♥️🙏💯
Thank you for being here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
This made me hopeful instead of a victim. Thank you!
You got this! We're all rooting for you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
My post from the original video before reupload:
This is a long video and I didn't watch it yet, but these are my thoughts.
I noticed growing up that kids would try and trash talk you, but then want to be friends, and I would accept it, while not really wanting to(due to reasons I'll explain below). I realized this was my family growing up. My parents would always be HOT AND COLD, and dad would always go from raging out to being your best friend. He always has been a "look at the past" kind of guy, but mostly lately, since I call him out on his BS, he always goes "lets move towards a better future," while always looking at the past.
I also had a mother who didn't understand boys, and thought any physical touching/playing meant fighting and I was abused and traumatized in that way, also had a mother who threatened to send me away to military school if I caused trouble in school because a girl made up something about me that i was affecting her, and her mother confronted my mother (which i only learned about within the last few years, it happened when i was like 8-9 years old, I'm in my early 30's now).
I never had parents who protected me, just wanted me to follow their rules, so I was always afraid and just frozen with fear trying to avoid confrontation with people. Hence why when people would trash talk me and be pos to me, and then try to be "Friendly" I would try to keep the friendly part.
Always "forgiving" so that I could move on, even though I didn't want to.
I also had a father who flipped out on me, because during a Passover Sadar one year, when i was 10? years old, I made a comment an our into the sadar, and mom idnd't like it, so she stormed off and blamed me... So dad flips out and rages at me saying it's my fault that I caused her to do this, and I have to take responsibility for how others react to what i do. You caN ONLY IMAGINE the damage that had caused me throughout my life. Believing that if someone is mad at me... It must be my fault and I caused him issues, and that means I HAVE TO TRY AND FIX THE SITUATION. Just imagine playing video games and being on online forums where you believe it's your fault that psycos online don't like you. EVEN IF it was my fault that I said something to make them mad.... IT'S NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY TO TRY AND FIX EVERYTHING AND MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY. This is beyond unacceptable, selfish and ridiuclous to force onto a child. It wasn't only 1 Passover either... I believe this happened 2-3 times, but I only recall him raging once...
How can you blame your diagnosed ADHD 10 year old child for your wife's childish actions? Oh, your child said something or spoke out during a time when during the sadar we are supposed to be quiet? Oh noes, it's the worst thing ever.
Evil scum parents. The worst part is, tehy sometimes try to act like "good parents" and do things for me, but I look at it as this is what parents should be doing, and I look at it as i cannot just take this "Good deed" and it erase all the pain... sometimes I think "maybe things could wor out with this family," but I then realize that something will happen at some point.... and sure enough, chaos ensures at some point in the future.
I have to get away from the chaos.
I just wish these pieces of shit 100% hated me. It's so chaotic trying to live a life where I have parents who sometimes are nice and do things for me.... But I cannot be with them who ruined my life, have no clue how to be parents or interact with their children. My father just takes my mother's word for everything, doesn't come discuss iwth me, and just literally parrots what mom says. He doesn't even think, he just says.
The worst part is... I really do wish things were better with them... Sometimes it can be good, but it's so rare... But they've broken me so much..... and I don't know how I'm supposed to heal... They ruined my life, my childhood, everything.... Even if I am able to move on now, everything in the past was worthless. 30+ years of broken life.
I’m so sorry!! I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional home too. My Dad was sentenced to 18 years for what he did to me before my 12th birthday… my Mom almost always had a black eye from him. He was a cocaine addict and hothead. My Mom came from a better family but my Dad took her as far away from them as he could get her.
@@gypsyqueen3806Sorry to hear about that. It seems like your mother was a good person, or how did you feel about her? would she enable your father?
I'm not sure about mothers and being emotional nad angry towards their child4ren to protect the husband, but there's something about a husband getting angry at their child to protect the wife...
Alvin, you can't actually say that they ruined your life, but they sure did cause a lot of harm. You can learn from your "30 years of broken life." I know you're a guy but your story resonates with a book called "Women who love too much." The author's major premise is that if we had to mold ourselves as children, to get our parents approval, or you were busy "fixing" the trauma in your home life, then you end up being a "Fixer" as an adult. And you try to Fix OTHER people, not yourself. Time for a little self fixing! You can do it! Shalom!
Leyla, I am truly sorry to hear what you experienced. A lot of it sounds exactly like my last relationship minus the family. Also I wasn't married but it took me 4 years to give up on trying to turn into a person he'd love. My therapist also suggested that he was a narcissist. I guess a lot was due to his upbringing, coming from a very traditional background. I agree, the treatment of women is not necessarily related to religion, I have many religious friends who behave differently, it depends how religious scripts are interpreted and many things are not even written anywhere but are cultural traditions. He often used to tell me that if I was a woman where he came from, he'd only have to tell me once to shut up and in case I didn't listen he'd send me back to my family. He also only came here in his early twenties. What I wanted to say, I think I understand what you went through. I also still think that I should have given myself up completely in order to keep him, that it was my fault. It is hard to establish self esteem when you never had any and when someone manipulated you into thinking you are a bad person. I hope you find the strength to distance yourself emotionally from the influence his treatment has had on you. I'm trying as well, I think it takes a lot of time.
Sending you support Leila.
Interestingly the theme of obedience resonates with my current situation, though my experience is situated in a western culture and at my (modern and liberal) workplace.
I am in a leadership role and my management just changed. Despite being a very good performer w. great reputation my scope has been cut substantially and micro-control increased to a point where I can not execute my role meaningfully and equally to others at the same level. My management keeps iterating on obedience and if I express recommendations I am labelled as defensive and unwilling to accept feedback. I almost completely abandoned agency but still get critizised.
Layla’s story is a great example of why it’s often not a good idea to get into a relationship, or even marry, someone who was brought up in a culture other than our own. Her ex-husband was raised differently, with different ways of thinking, different ways of doing things, and different values than she was. Often the partner is not wrong or bad. They’re just too different to be team mate material. It’s difficult enough to be in a committed relationship with someone of our own culture, so inviting even more unchangeable conflict is setting yourself up for inevitable failure.
Please. Let's stop using "culture" to excuse emotional abuse. Cultures throughout history have and do commit all kinds of atrocities and say, " It's just our culture".
African amd middle-eastern cultures are a big trouble especially with men. I see that around me a lot . . . With asian cultures i see less issues or even addes value.
Not a judgement or prejudice. Just keen observation & honesty (observing and hearing from MANY people over the course of decades) 🙏🏽
@@savioartworkAs someone with an Asian father, I have to say you’re being too judgmental. Lots of inter generational trauma and lack of emotional support in Asian families. I think all races have their specific problems
I just share my experiences and observations from many people and many years, no judgement intended, pure realism@@ambo9569
@@ambo9569everyone should stick to their own culture
Being with someone whom you are entirely too infatuated with makes you crawl for their attention, It makes you sick like you have been poisoned. The uphoria, followed by painful longing, and deep sadness and heartache. God these men are demons. It's like they prey upon us limerent/anxious attachment women. Uggh. I am trying to detox from someome like this right now.
Leïla is a sweet person
Stay safe out there ❤
Stop Chasing The Dress.
Start healing your mind and soul.
Deprogram❤️
Anna I am so thankful to have ran into your videos , of course I was already looking for similar things but no other video gelled as your videos did. Thank you❤
Glad to hear Anna's videos are helpful! Thank you for being a part of our community here!
Nika@TeamFairy
You're awesome, every time I hear your message it hits me hard. But in a good way. Ty
Glad you are here!
Nika@TeamFairy
This almost exact scenario happened to me but with an Indian family as an American woman. He was awful in almost this exact way. I sponsored his green card. He is from the Middle East and you’re Canadian, I hate to say it but is it possible he was using you for immigration purposes? That I feel is 100% what happened to me, but he would never ever admit it.
I often visualize My Future Self reaching for me instructing me to stand on her shoulders telling me all the while that she won't see the Promised Land until I do and then I tell her the same
Wow! You are a gifted writer
A relationship will not fix you, likely it will bring your issues to a hot boil.
Can totally relate
I felt I was auditioning to be a part of them. Bend over back so they won't leave
Thank you for your empathy and help. ❤
You are so welcome!
Nika@TeamFairy
in the 1st story I believe the husband used her to get citizenship as they were migrants.
My first few jobs were like this…
YESSS OMG PLACATING THEM UGHHHH
I haven't listened yet. My mother is physically abusive and verbally abusive. I keep forgiving her after she apologizes. And I have allowed this treatment from everyone in the NAME OF FORGIVENESS! I want off this cycle. Getting off now....................Girl. Get out NOW!!! 1 month?? RUNNNNNNN. I love the simplicity of DECLINING TO BE INVOLVED WITH PEOPLE WHO DON"T TREAT YOU WELL. So simple yet I have in the past done this anyways. The relationship with my mother has set me up to tolerate the un-toleratable!!!!
One of the things, that to me, is being glaringly overlooked, is how some religious beliefs can lead to what we see as abusive, but that culture and religion may lend itself to suggest that tight control over children, and even more so over a wife, are looked at as being the honorable way to act and fulfill duties. It isn't just this religion, but others in the US that put obedience very high on the list of that faith. Some faiths follow this and then it is taken advantage of and turned into abuse in the name of that religion. Please keep this in mind when your response may not take this into consideration. I am not saying the behavior is right. Far from it, but this may not be just a husband, in-laws and parents, but a part of an entire culture.
I always did this. Last time was with my therapist. At the beginning of my treatment, she told me «There is prople who have it worse than you.» She felt dismissive, and that’s when my attatchment to her began. It’s been 2,5 painful not healthy years. I felt I lost more of myself. The thing is, it’s like a magnet to my attatchment. Being inconsistent, distant, hot/cold, unpredictable. I do everything to be good, i morph myself into what I believe is the version that they would be able to like and care for. It never worked, always brought me so much pain.
I hate it SO much when therapists--or anyone--says there are others that have it so much worse. I've learned to stop booking sessions with therapists who utter that phrase.
@@Liz-wz8dh Yes, it’s not a helpful thing to say. There is always someone who have it worse no matter what has happned in your life. Wish that hurt when she said that made me stand up for myself and walk out her door.
17:00 Please look into DID & ego death if you haven’t already. I love your content. Thank you for your work🖤
Exactly my story!!! I m going thru even worst than this...!!!!
I feel so sad for you, I understand what you’re going through. I’ve been through this too. I too was pushed away by my family too. They had the attitude of this is your problem not mine and you need to figure it out and you can’t come here. I had three children under the age of 3 as well. It was very hurtful. And then I’d hear, no one ever helped me why should I help you? And everything else too… that’s why I just want to infuse you with love because I know how you’re feeling and how horrible it feels when no one shows you love. And parents are that horrible when they’re narcissistic people.
Yes 😔 I didn’t try to change for Him but I put up with bread crumbs, manipulation etc
I allowed Him to ignore my Needs and stopped focusing on my Needs
I compromised far too much as the situationship was all on His terms
I knew He was extremely selfish and was at times using Me
I couldn’t pull away even though He did
Being treated badly by my ex is my wake up call to her still wanting to be friends.
Layla’s story was one of the hardest to listen. She is completely brainwashed by both her parents and the religion. I am just very glad she didn’t get pregnant which most likely she doesn’t think that way. I wish she’d wake up fully at some point.
So true limirents yep a ex boyfriend for my whole life on and off but your video has built that wall against that limerents thanks
Ana, coming from the Middle East, this is something cultural + religion. Men have learned that it is normal for women to be obedient. The way Leyla describes him is as if I went to describe most of the males I have ever known in my life from that region.
Something that might surprise you: actually being that, obedient/respectful basically whatever the guy tells the woman to do, will make it work. This is not a typical narcissistic behavior. Boys are valued, almost worshipped, by their moms from childhood to the extreme when comparing them to girls. And they want to see the same thing from the romantic partners. If they do that the man will be happy and in love. I’m saying this because I have seen so many examples of it in family/relatives/friends.
Of course as a girl being born and raised in Canada, the writer, she can’t put up with that. All he wants is for her to shup up and treat him like his mom did then everything will be perfect…
I know I'm emotionally unavailable myself. I'm very tired and feel empty a lot. I honestly wanna get into more regular therapy but I can't afford it and I feel like I'm sinking faster than I can get help.
If you haven't already, try Anna's Daily Practice (a free course). It is the technique that led to Anna’s own healing, and she uses it to this day. bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Nika@TeamFairy
omg it made me cry (((
17:53 Developmental! CPTSD is developmental! I’m not sure if rehabilitation helps people like me. My developmental issues can’t be rebuilt because I never had them to begin with. The best I can do is study nontraumatized people and read books/watch videos. Which is way better than nothing!
NO MORE. But I did years ago. It's embarrassing. I am now my true self, sometimes catch myself but can immediately stop my unwanted behavior.
Good job! Thank you for watching.
Nika@TeamFairy
Good advice 😂
I am grieving what I lost when I was with my ex whom eventually was diagnosed a sociopath before he died. One day I will be free. I want a healthy relationship.
Glad you are here.
Nika@TeamFairy
Determination is a great EMOTIONAL Strength to go forward to better living experiences ahead. It's a new journey. Attract healthy SUPPORT.
CHOICES. CHOICES. 👍👍⚖️💡⚖️🥰🥰🥰
taking the story at face value: a Disobedient Wife (whatever that means) then yes it makes sense that both families kicked her to the curb - and keeping it within CPTSD: she's trying to fit into a tribe that doesn't allow to be her natural self
That’s not narcissism. In some cultures men treat women like second class citizens. The country of my forefathers was like that but has modernized. Nonetheless, it’s still a patriarchal society, but chauvinism and mysogyny are much less tolerated by the culture.
Bunny Slippers! I freakin love that!
No... I don't transition into what people want me to be I just dumped them ASAP... I heard that like being a self- contortionist, now that's hilarious, that really helped me stop pleasing people and find myself I find this hard but I'm going to keep trying I'm worth it
Could you write a book about cptsd and personal finance?
Your right about the abandonment yep
Hi i had a similar situation happen where my family’s judgement of my choices and them telling me what to do about my relationship made me want to go back to the relationship, I had enmeshment trauma, which is common in religious families and might explain her story a bit more
made an attachment to someone who then was unkind to me and then was angry at me about it
thank you so much for this great video
No, but what I DO do (correct, DID do)? I would force them to see my point, how they were treating me and try to get them to love me and treat me better. Ayyyy
I’ve done all of this….ugh….well no more!🎉
You're in the right place :) -Calista@TeamFairy
One narc on our 2 second day texting. Texted me early in the morning something sexual. After I asked him why and if he could not do that. He responded by ok are you going to block me now.
That was the sign .
It’s all the worry that the person is going to self destruct unless. It’s just so tiring when family is the problem. Then I can’t keep a healthy relationship because everyone is imploding since they can’t do anything but be posers and like over inflated egos. Then I go off and blame society so I can figure out the places where people are getting better, but all the while they’re still being neglected by themselves and the negative loop causes more issues rather than really being able to solve issues. Most of the time I only end up with enough energy to help myself… no family no care no friendship just me in therapy… again…. What the heck do I have to tell from rooftops like what am I Superman? Everything is bad enough.
I feel like I've been through a version of all of these stories
I mean… he is letting her stay there because he doesn’t want to let go of the hope, she stays there cuz she doesn’t want to work(!!!) and then she says he gets angry about unimportant stuff bashing at her! First of all we can’t call something unimportant. Maybe unimportant for us but important for someone else. Second, if she thinks she deserves better good for her then girl move out!!!
She says she was setting boundaries. Girl you’re living in his place what are you talking about?! You’re in his face and he has feelings for you. You’re torturing him! Move out. That’s the first step for setting up boundaries.
Unbelievably victimizing herself while it is very clear that she is using him in this situation.
Something that everyone going through the process of healing should know: when you learn to respect yourself it does not mean that you should turn into an abuser! It doesn’t mean that from then on you should expect others to serve you or respect you without you earning that!
There is something about religions, all of them, that normalize abusing women. It's like we don't deserve better. I'm not trying to be critical about Islam since I have been raised into Catholic Church which is not as repressive about women chothing but in all other aspect means women not deserving being individuals deserving the most basics human rights. That's why I'm not religious and that doesn't mean not having values or not believing in a Superior Being called God for lack of a better word.
In Catholic religion, you have comitted a mortal sin just by being born. You are guilty of someone's else sin because you didn't ask to be born.
I feel also some kind of disgust to New Age ideas that makes you responsible because, they say " you signed a contract" to be born into an abusive family.
Even Buddish tries to make sense of injustice by blaming karma, what you did in a previous life you can't remember. So, if you don't remember, how can you repent? How abuse can be taken as a "lesson" you have to learn?
I feel so sorry for so many women around the world and it makes me sick how half of the world population have been treated worse than animals by our own blood and cultures.😢
My God I cannot believe your first reply here is some religious nut quoting submission passages. Religion, I believe is separate from personal faith - religion is a means of control and yeah pretty much all of them tell men that it's their God given right to own and be above a woman. Notice how all of the big main gods are male? It's because they want to take credit for creating life away from women.
@@misspeach3755then how come so many Christian sects have problems with polygamy and abuse and child brides
I understand what you are saying about organized religion.
@@misspeach3755 this is so so tone deaf and ignorant of you to try and spread your dogma to people that have been harmed by it. i hope you can learn some compassion and understanding through your faith.
That's not true. Sweeping insults are not helpful.
Yup
Tell this advice to some of these toxic African households and families....
I think it's a global thing. Asian parents are not better and same with Latin cultures.
Awe. I hate that for her. Going on to my 47th year i wish i was just coupled up already. So i get it
I did this after my partner left me for another woman and then came back. I tried to change and blamed myself for what he did.
Quick question Anna - I wrote to you a couple of times and as it turned out you ended up indirectly answering my questions through other people's letters so that's fine!
But I heard you say once that you do background checks on people before answering their questions to "make sure they are who they say they are." I've never written to you with my real name and have always made up a name and an email, and I have no social media that uses my real name or even the same username so I can't be tracked across sites etc. and I was sort of under the impression this was completely normal. I was raised in a time when nobody put their real name on the internet because this was widely recognised as dangerous and nothing has actually changed about this.
So I'm wondering do you simply mean that you try to ascertain that somebody isn't trolling or do you actually reject letters from people that don't have an established online presence consistent across sites, because I personally recommend against ANYONE having that
We don't do background checks. I'm not aware that we've ever been trolled, but I've wondered a couple times. But we get many more letters than can be read on the channel, so we look for letters that are 1) organized around a question (vs. a life story), not too long (we get 12 page essays sometimes), not too graphic, and where the subject would be of interest to a large number of people.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I see! Thanks for clarifying ☺️
Thats me!!! I can't change 100% for otger person even I truly love that person.
Hubby filed divorce n i m fighting not to divorce even i m going thru n gone thru domestic violence...I dnt hv anyone in life...n dnt hv any courage to live all alone with no job n no money n this kind of depression n anxiety...i dnt hv any friends n family too...
We only got attention in our house if we said the word " work" my parents heads snapped around and I would get approval