My mother helped some even though my son took me most of the time when I had cancer. She constantly yelled and belittled me. I think she was upset when the Dr. said he got it all after the surgery and it didn't spread.
It's such a relief to see someone else who knows this truth! Since my husband passed, I've come to look at it as an Honorable Discharge. And as my MS symptoms improve, I really perceive what danger I was in.
A couple of months ago, I agreed to take care of an elderly woman whose daughter told me she had "mild" dementia. Well, the beech was a full-blown narcissist -- and after a week of her abuse, I told her daughter that I was leaving; but I agreed to take care of her dad for a week until a replacement could be found. So I was taking the narc's husband for a walk, grocery-shopping, to the gym, etc., and the beech was incensed! So what did she do? She told everyone in her family -- including the home-health nurse -- that I was having an affair with her 84-year-old husband in order to get me to quit before the week was over. They aim below the belt, guys -- NEVER underestimate them. 🥊
Hahaha that's why they called it dementia. I mean 84 years old... Unless it was Keanu Reeves or Brad Pitt...well, let's just say she wouldn't make it in a court room 😆
My cousin told me first thing my mom says to the home health care agency is, "i would like her [the carer] to address me as "Mrs. Hashimoto"". God, this topic makes me want to be white!
@@pebblebrookbooks4852 Reminds me of the song "She blinded me with Science." (2:55) "Good Heavens, Miss Sakamoto -- you're beautiful!" 😄 ua-cam.com/video/V83JR2IoI8k/v-deo.html
From early childhood, I never knew anything but hatred and contempt from my mother, as well as slapping, beatings, and mental cruelty. I took care of her in her old age. Sometimes I hear people express pity for "the poor old people abandoned in nursing homes whose kids never come to see them." And I wonder how many of them are reaping what they've sown.
Exactly.Most of the time there's a REASON why adult children go no-contact with elderly parents.Why would a normal person want to stay away from a parent that offers them unconditional love, emotional support, understanding,etc?In most cases it's because something is very wrong with the parent-child relationship &/or parents themselves.
Just wanted to say that it was only when I became a caregiver - and was tearing my hair out with her behaviour - that I Googled "Habitual lying" and stumbled on the whole description of Narcissism. Literally, I cried with relief when I realised the problem wasn't my failure to cope with her....
I still vividly remember the 💡 moment when I happened to look up "mean behavior" on Google 6+ years ago & first 👀 the DSM criteria for NPD pop up in the results,it completely shifted my entire perspective🥲.It was a perfect match for my narc father & explained everything so clearly...The turmoil & tears in my childhood finally made sense.I'll always be so grateful for the mental health field folks on here that are making this info readily available to the general public for free🙂.
Caregiving for a narcissist can be very difficult. It can feel as though you are working against them, rather than working with them. Narcissists are paranoid and untrustworthy. They always feel like you are out to get them.
I was also the scapegoat who had to take care of my ill mother. I was only 14 when it started. She felt completely entitled to my help, even though I started failing at school, had no friends, was completely isolated from everybody. When I told her I couldn't do this anymore because it was killing me she told me to suck it up and stop complaining. "It's not like you have anything to do anyway, you're just sitting at home all day and failing at school. Make yourself useful." She died when I was in my early twenties. It was a second chance at life. Edit: Btw I also didn't get the deathbed apology/gratitude I was hoping for. Insted she told me on her last day of life that she was disappointed in the person that I had become and that I did nothing but hurt her all her life. NOT what I was hoping for. But it's what I got.
Wow, I'm glad you replief early.... I'm 59.5, and it's still happening. No partner, lost all the good ones. And no job that I can feel good in. I have jumped every time. I hate this!
God sees and cares. Jesus has always been there for me. Thru narc parents, narc siblings, narc in laws, narc husband. Now I am free from all of them. He gave me 2great kids and 3 gbabies. Be free dear one, give your life to Him, He will restore all the years the locusts have eaten!! He loves like no other! He loves you!
I took care of my narc mom for 5 years. She died 6 months ago however I am still recuperating from the madness. It is like the toxin is slowly draining out of my poor body. It’s going to take awhile to get back to me again
Poor dear,treat yourself with kindness...You should get a nice 🎂 to celebrate the nightmare being done & also to celebrate your own self for who you are🙂👍🏻. Narcs have no gratitude for being parents...So we have to learn to appreciate our own selves.
Mine feel ill and i woke up yesterday and realized the last five years of my life have been taken from me while dealing with her issues once again. I was almost free.
Parents get old, and there is a passing of the npd torch to the next generation of toxic family members. Leave the circus before you become the trained elephant who forgets his own strength. When you get out, the aftermath will feel as heavy as an elephant. And, much like an elephant, you'll most likely never forget. Remember you are seemingly in a dark tunnel, you must keep going, never give up, even when it's hard, try everything you possibly can with determination, because you will see light and you will feel light again. Restoration is possible. A quote: Churchill said, "If you're going through hell, keep going".
I finally had to “retire” from my required job description within my rules®ulations narcissistic family system. I’m in my 60’s with my own grown family who all have been raised with the freedom to choose how they wish to live as adults. Meanwhile I’ve felt a boa constrictor N. Mother squeezing me tighter and tighter to the point of my finally deciding I need to escape! I’ve had over 2 months of no contact, and this had to include my siblings. I’m never getting anywhere close to those false job requirements again. My brain has felt like it’s my own again in these detached months- like a pleasant breeze has been airing it out. Thank you so much for this affirming post Dr. Ramani.
Very well said! Here we are animal rights activists expected to survive our own parents torturing us, now I'm preparing to deal with a tearless day when mom dies as I know my adult daughter will be quite sad, cried a whole 12 (6 per eye) when my dad died though!
@@kimlarsson7259 I’d have happily accepted that given our situation but yes you’re right, it’s another strategy isn’t it. (If this is what you’re dealing with please look after yourself too).
They also sabotage their children in the warped hope they'll never leave and be forced to caregive. Example, going to a job interview covered in "accidentally" spilled ice cream courtesy of the narcissist.
This was indeed their plan with me, you can't imagine the shouts from my sister Golden child and from my mother main narc, stronger than my father at the moment.. Now my sis has been caught in the care.. She seems genuinely linked.. I do feel to love them for the good they have been andore for the wonderful parents and Sis they could have been and I never met.this sxxt of Narcissism took away from me all my family, and I always watch out it will not take away also my soul.. It's a plague the human specie should become conscious of ASAP cause this literally steal our Souls from God..
My mother was very successful to keep my small. I'm a member of MENSA, yet was not able to get through university because of all the shame I have in myself for trying to improve my life. Whenever I try to do something only I profit from, like sports, healthy eating, studying, ... I feel awful like a total egoist who never cares about other people. I have panic attacks when I try to study. She is dead since many years and I'm still a low-wage worker.
You really nailed it. The isolation of caregiving for a narc with dementia is enough to make you constantly question reality, especially since they can still pull it together for outsiders in the early stages. Would love so much more on this topic just for comfort sake...these videos are my touchstones for keeping sane. 💜
Right? Her videos are so helpful for letting me know that I’m not alone in the full on war with trying to do “the right thing” while my golden child brother lives three hours away and is too busy to visit. Only visiting twice in 8 years……
I am feeling the exact same way. I am helping to care for my narcissistic father in law with mild dementia. He recently had a stroke and my Husband and I are caring for him. I watch him pull it together too when we take him and his dog for a walk and run into neighbours. He’s having a harder time now . I feel for you and completely understand.
Between the ages of 5-11 years old, I was the caregiver for my grandmother after school every day. My parents both worked and I was an only kid. My grandmother was unable to walk, not so good as swallowing, needed lots of pain and anxiety meds (RA), never left the house and sucked the joy of life out of me. Never said thank you, none of the family members ever did. As an adult, when people talk about the challenges of caregiving, I still have to leave the room.
mac4830, that is horrible. You shouldn't have been put in that position! It's not just the narcissism--no child should be thrust into an adult responsibility, and for several years, no less! 😢
Because of COVID and my 90 year old mom's misery, I sprung her from the nursing home to live with me. It's been two months and I'm over-drinking, gaining weight and ignoring my friends. My 5 siblings says they are WAY too busy to help out. I finally made an appointment with a therapist. My mom isn't the WORST narcissist, but she aint no walk-in-the-park and she sure seems to like to push all my buttons. I love her. I HAVE to figure this out.
I wrote off my mother from my life after confronting her about the abuse and neglect she inflected me during my childhood. She denied, minimized, and finally blamed me. I told her I wouldn't take care of her as she grew older because she didn't change and I owe myself peace. There's no way that I'm going back to her hell or anyone else's. I know what kind of people I want close in my life, no matter what. This is my right to choose that and any person who criticizes this can take care of her. I feel sorry for her to be as she is and her life is not my fault. Edit: thank you very much to all, for sharing your amazing stories of resilience and courage! I'm sending you all the positive vibes you need to continue to move on.
It’s been a week since I cut my narc mother out of my life. I too confronted her and she lost it and started insulting me, for some reason I wasn’t afraid to defend myself. I think she was angry that I stood up for myself. I have served her all my life and she doesn’t appreciate me. I have a beautiful family and I am starting over and will find love in my home. I will not continue to be unhappy because of her. She doesn’t deserve my love. I am happier now, but still feel guilty about the confrontation. But I will not break no contact.
It's been 2 years since I started cutting her off. I didn't confront her but I keep frustrating all the monkeys, when you frustrate the monkeys you potentially destroy the control of the Narcissistic mother.
K Mtz I too have started standing up for myself and confronting some of her abusive behavior saying things to her like “what a disgusting thing to say” or “can you hear yourself right now?” or my favorite “I feel sorry for you.” I just started a new relationship and he is the guy I should have been with my whole life instead of the abusive guys I’ve attracted in the past, and my narc mom usually tries to throw wrenches in all her kids relationships, especially mine so they end, and I end up moving back in with her. But not this time. I’ve been grey rocking her and she can’t stand it. She keeps asking me why I’ve been acting so different and why I seem to have a “chip on my shoulder” when it comes to her. Last night she told me “I want you to act sweet and loving towards me from now on, even if that’s not how you feel.” A grown ass adult, you’re gonna tell me how I should act and feel, I see. She thinks we should all just take her abuse with a smile and not defend ourselves in any way because she does and pays for xyz. When I leave here, it will be for the last time, and I won’t be taking any help, furniture, anything that can cause her to be able to hold anything over my head. And I’ll be damned if I am ever her caregiver. She made her bed.
Amen, and amen. No contact with narcissist mother, sisters, ex, and sweet enabling father was the most difficult and emotionally wrenching act I've done. And I would have done it sooner if I had realized the calm serenity of the life I now live. I am planning for retirement in Portugal in a few years, with me, myself and I---I can't wait!
James M I am truly sorry about what you have endured with your mom. I am glad that you are strong enough to walk away, it is not easy, I know how you feel coz I have been through hell. When I got married and moved into my new apartment with my hubby and then 3year old son, my mom offered to give me some of her furniture and I said thank you, but I’ll manage. My husband couldn’t understand why I didn’t accept her ‘generous offer’. I told my husband that was just her way of getting control, that she will soon use it to get something from me. You think they’ll eventually relies they are wrong, but that day never comes with narcs. I am very proud of you for defending yourself. Stay strong and do not allow her to manipulate you back into her routine. Good luck😊
My narcissistic mother refused to acknowledge her mortality at the end of life. Yes, she got worse with time. The less control, the more vicious. It was very sad to witness her decline.
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Thank you Dr. Ramani. I am 78 and I live a disability. Aside from the usual age-related infirmities, I suffered a viral infection in my brain 8 years ago. It has destroyed my balance and affected my speech a little. I fall frequently, broken arm, rotator cuff injury etc. My narcissistic 87 year old spouse has never acknowledged that this happened and has been just as demanding and critical as before. When I had excruciating pain after a knee replacement, he had no sympathy, told me, you wanted it, you live with it. I signed myself out of the hospital 18 hours after the surgery in order to look after everything at home. After 45 years of his angry outbursts, I was so conditioned to keep peace at any cost. He is now starting to show signs of dementia and I dread what lies ahead for me. I worked with ww2 veterans for 13 years, many of whom had dementia and I am no stranger to this disease. One of my guys was 89 and was the sweetest man ever, even apologizing when he couldn't remember things. The other man was 92 and the polar opposite, angry,demanding and ungrateful. I think I know which way my narc will be and I dread it. The silver lining to this is that I found your channel and the wonderful advice and information I get from you and your other readers. I no longer feel so alone, I know that there are many others out there, just like me. They know, they understand. No lengthy explanation required. No being looked at skeptically. I have been able retrieve something from deep down inside of me that I thought was gone forever. I have found a quiet resolve to take back some of what was taken away from me over the years. Nothing major has occurred but somehow I think he senses a shift, I am no longer cowed by his outbursts as before. I no longer scurry off to "fix" things. I still try to keep peace in the house and work around not setting him off, but my frenzy to please at all costs, has been replaced by quiet determination to be treated more fairly. The road ahead won't be easy but you have given me the strength to face it. I'm back, thanks in no small part, to you.
Your words nade me cry. . 😢 so many years stollen from us.Im 47 and nearly half the century Im doing nothing but traying to recover from my fathers abuse.It was bruttaly fizical , emotional and pshyhological..now he's (only)82 and 2cancers and dementia with agressive paranoia wanted to move in with me.I refused for all the costs , 2weeks ago I decided I cant tolerate it any more ,and went no contact/grey rock.I still feels guilt ,shame and judgment from others . I still miss myself. I wonder who would we be if we didn't had to endure this. I wish to give you a bih hug and tell hold on 🙏💪🤗
“They often do live a lot longer than the rest of us.” That made me laugh as I just said that about my parents….. Thank you so much for this video. Wow! I don’t feel as alone after watching it! I truly was laughing out loud (as in “oh! Yes!) because of the relief!
This situation came up with my narcissist mother. My narcissistic sister has lived with or across from my mom and dad for 50 years but when my dad died and mom started smashing her windows out with her hammer (dementia & NPD), she demanded that I sell my house and move in with mom to take care of mom and my sister?! I live TWO STATES AWAY, she lives across the street. She tried to shame me, guilt me, gaslight me, then tried the silent treatment. I said "NO". During my dad's funeral, I had suggested putting Mom in Elder care. My sister said no and went into a narcissistic rage. When she became sick, she signed paperwork to have Mom put an elder care and became angry with me when I was asking questions about the facility. I asked her, "What did you think would happen when one of our parents died? You lived with them till you were 38 years old and then across the street from them. Who did you think was going to take care of them?". She literally told me that she thought "Mom would die first and her and dad would live happily ever after". My dad was a very kind, codependent man who was being physically abused by my mom and taking advantage of by my sister. I didn't even find out that until after he had passed away. Thankfully I made it away from that narcissistic trap. I was the scapegoat growing up but no more. The pure insanity that goes on in the mind of a narcissist. They can turn anything around on you. And there's no seeing logic.
I pushed myself so hard for my ex husband to the point I got Fibromyalgia. I was never allowed to get myself needed health care. I was always in charge of the care of the kids, home, pets, laundry, groceries, etc. I did everything and gave my whole body and soul to be treated like crap and betrayed and told all my energy was for nothing. . . . . .
In short, I want to say it again ' Old age is not a shield' and ' Blood relation can mean nothing when it comes to narcs' Please leave the narcs asap when you can, don't feel guilty!
Best advice ever, it's all a big secret until we're here! -"But it's your mother! - "Yes but me thinks she's still strong enough to kill me" I replied to her GP's secretary, she then gave me social services number and I called the secretary months later to once mire thank her for doing so!
It's not possible to give care to an elderly narc. I know - I'm going through it right now. The only escape is either leave or wait till he's dead. It's a one way system with any narc - theirs only. I now tell people to run and don't look back.
I watch this to remind myself growing up as a scapegoated and parentified caregiver, why i should never break NC with my mother. Thank you a lot. How relieving❤
"I should have never had children" , "my mom told me to never have children" , or "your father asked me to stop having children." I wish I had a dime for everytime my mother made one of these statements!
They are in a community for 55+. The lawns and driveways (and snow) are done by the community. When they need it, there are nurses and/or caregivers who can care for them there.
I became the caregiver to my 86 year old "life partner" of 15 years when he got lung cancer after a lifetime of smoking. He was very cranky, took out his frustrations on me, so I told the Hospice Nurse about it, and she gave me some Cymbalta, an SRI antidepressant, to give to him. This made all the difference. I made sure to get him to take one every day, I told him it was for pain, and things got a lot better. He slept better, and stopped yelling and baiting everyone. It saved my sanity.
The narc in my life told me recently that she only had me to take care of her in her old age (I’ll be 70 next year) and expects me to leave my disabled partner, whom I’ve been married to for 30 years, and move back across country to take care of her. I could no longer take the long distance abuse and have gone no contact, after the physical abuse, neglect and lack of empathy she has doled out since I was a child. I am currently working with a therapisr who helped me realize that there is nothing “wrong” with me and that my missing sense of self came from being her idea of who I should be….the extension of her. She damaged me long ago and now, at this stage of my life, it’s time to work on me.
I’ve been supporting my Father for nine months now. When the situation first presented itself I thought the support was only going to be financially. I adjusted my life and sacrificed my cherished autonomy to take him in because I thought, “yeah, this is a great opportunity for my dad to retire and take care of himself!” That was not the case. His behavior extends to flat out disrespect of the way I choose to keep my house and everyday is a battle for the living space I work hard to pay for. I feel like a child once again. Unable to defend myself against my father’s entitlement to do what he wants, whenever he wants. I find myself being torn between hoping there is still a chance to salvage our relationship and radically accepting that my father has NEVER been capable of caring for himself and hoping the end comes swiftly and mercifully. Best wishes to all those who find themselves in this battle. Stay strong, stay patient and stay kind. Thank you Dr. Ramani for producing this content! It is a light in the dark abyss I walk into every day.
There is no relationship to be salvaged. It took me a long time to finally get that. There was never a relationship at all and there never will be. There is nothing I can do, so, I moved far, far away and chose my health and sanity and went no contact.
Wowww, my jaw is just on the floor realizing you’re talking about something that looks a lot like my situation and family. I felt like NO ONE understands what I am going though and doing here. But you described it all perfectly and so I must not be the only one. And even just knowing that makes me sad, but also feel less like I’m some abscess in the world living this existence alone. Thank you for all your education and bringing awareness. I feel so validated, informed and empowered. 🙏🕊✨
Totally true. Wish I had known this before I gave myself over and was totally devalued and not paid for a year and a half of full-time work when I put my life on hold and failed to start a business. My narcissist said I was stealing from them when I asked for a meager wage for only a fraction of the work I did. Instead, they would call me names and say horrible things about me, devalue me, call me worthless, say I was stupid, and cuss me out for two hours while in the same breath would asked me to send gift money to our other family members when those family members had not even visited, let alone done any work. Totally, totally thankless and life-sucking job. I wish I had never done it.
Omg! TU for this topic. I have been my mother's caregiver all my life! My dad was abusive and I tried to support her as young as 5! Then diagnosed with cancer when I was 20. I am 50 now and spent the last year and a half calling ambulance monthly. And yes, I have become ill (already dealing with CPTSD, depression? anxiety). Now having investigations done the last 3 months (inflammation? autoimmune?). She even called me to pick her up from hospital when I was getting ultrasound myself, despite me telling her she needed to call someone else. Denied that I told her I was having tests. Called me a liar basically. Went no contact then (2 months ago). So grateful to have all this explained and validated! Bless you Dr. R. I feel so much less "crazy" .... its NOT my fault. Xo
This is an excellent video for the scapegoat who gets sucked into or guilt-tripped into caring for a narc parent. Make no mistake-there will be no appreciation or apology from the narc. They will expect you to to do this and then they will criticize your efforts. The caregiving will suck you dry emotionally and financially. And the enabling siblings (if there are any) will make themselves scarce until it is time for the estate to be disbursed. And finally, the scapegoat can count on being excluded from the estate- to add insult to injury. Seen this too many times.
I've been taking care of my mom since I was 9 and I am 25 now. I don't know what to do. I can't escape. There's no way out. I don't have anybody and I'm totally wraprpd around her finger. I want to die just to get away from them forever. I have my own mental health issues. I am absolutely incapable of taking care of her but I'm all shes got. I forfeited relationships, jobs, aspirations and hobbies to take care of her. She doesn't see a single thing wrong with herself. She told me point blank I'm supposed to take care of her until I die. But if I keep taking care of her, IM going to die!!!!!!!
Yes a topic that is often overlooked. A narcissist is not a care taker. Ever. The person with the disability is providing narcissistic supply\fuel. This will take away mutch of the energy you have to spare. Advoid this situation if at all possible. I have seen this in a number of different situations. Take care of yourself. Peace and Love.
I am disabled and lived with a narcisstic partner for 10 years, what eventually made me fall apart was me being less and less independent because I had to care for his needs/narc supply and dealing with his rage every time I mentioned certain topic close to me. One of those thing was keeping a clean house. He found it unnecessary and refused doing it nor get a house cleaner. All the house cleaning I was able to do were harder and harder to implement because of this, and that f***ed with my health. The sad thing is that he told everybody he knew how a disabled person should be treated..
@@newwavenancy ikr? I hope our commenter Mythic here is in a good circumstances now so we can hear some creepy nurse stories, and how to roll out of them!
Pebblebrook Books - Lotsa creepy nurse stories out there; which I cannot share because it was 4 decades ago when I was a deer in the headlights for all I observed. Loathed the “profession” but HAD to go into it or be “DISOWNED” which may seem laughable now, but when you’re an empathetic teen with a N-Mom who also uses suicide threats as a means of control... 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️ Then add a N-Dad who sexually abuses... 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ WHAT THE “F” did I do to deserve this?
My role as a caregiver is truthfully to avoid guilt, shame, and criticism. In early March I PLEADED with my narc mom to prepare, stock up and sign up for meal delivery service as the pandemic was creeping in. "I don't eat frozen food", "I'll be fine" (invincible!). Weeks later she called panicked (w/only 2 days worth of food left living in a super hotspot). It's probably the first time she's called me in about 10 years (I call monthly). I live 4 hours away and spent DAYS trying to find a short term solution so she wouldn't go hungry until the meals arrived (I paid for the service for 3 months) and set up family zoom calls. I gave her advance notice the service was about to come to a close as it was safe for her to food shop in early June. I received a one line email thank you with future faking "I will make it up to you somehow". I haven't heard from her since. It is never reciprocal, the gratitude is very minimal, sometimes absent and it is always, always draining. For many years I have been bailing my mom out of situations where she made foolish choices. In every single case, her magical thinking and lack of consideration created danger, confusion, urgency with the sole focus on her. I'm trying to be compassionate yet cling to the philosophy "Poor planning on your part doesn't necessitate an emergency on mine". It is very difficult tightrope to walk on and I'm worried what's coming my way this winter.
Been there. At long last, I finally refused. I refused to destroy my own life and lift the burden for siblings who had been dumping the responsibility for years. Amazingly, they were finally put in the position to have to step up for a change. It was one hell of a fight. And they are royally ticked off. TOUGH !
I was the scapegoat, turned caregiver. I had to give up my own destiny for a person who really never had concerns about my own best interests, in regards to how I wanted to live my life. I've always like a prisoner and a indentured servant for my family.
It was BRUTAL. I left and went no contact after 5 months and told him to figure it out. He has the resources. I don’t care if I get nothing in the will now (he has always used money as a weapon) and my GC brother living across the land gets whatever mess of his millions is left over. My soul cannot be bought. Goodbye 👋. Also - Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this video. It painted this experience out beautifully.
I think total trust in any relationship is overpriced as i ended up hating myself for ever believing my ex-husband. When my ex-husband started getting home late, I would ask and he'd say something came up at work. When i couldn't take any more of his lies, I decided it was time i get to know what was really going on. On the recommendation of a friend, I contacted this great ethical hacker (cyberhackingsage@gmail) who cloned his cellphone without physically touching the device and as a result, I was able to access his social media accounts, GPS Location, iMessage, call logs and text messages (both recent and deleted) through a remote decryption link sent to me. I discovered he is a liar who is having a secret affair with his secretary and that he has been using money from our joint account to finance the affair. Thanks to cyberhackingsage, I was able to file for divorce with lots of evidence against him. If you're ever in doubt or you need that extra bit of closure, I recommend you send a mail to cyberhackingsage@gmail or text and WhatsApp them at +15713758467.......................I hope you find peace of mind just like me after I discovered the truth.
I can only underline dr Ramani, that caregiving for a narcissist is like being soaked down the flush in a spiral: you just look around and ask yourself "how did I get here? I only wanted to help, now I'm the one to blame?" I had to make hard decisions: helping my own mother with a dementia stage where she can not take care of herself or raise my three children in a healthy environment? Not easy! I've chosen the latter and I wish I would have done this years ago!
@BarbaraPetz-Kobacs… I have often used the toilet bowl analogy to describe the narcissists in my family…they didn’t care if swirled in the bowl with them and wanted me to actually by trying to Hoover me in. Left and never looked back!
Hi Shy Wolf, yes it was. She had been caregiver to Narc for several years then her beloved dog got a long term illness. Between the two exhausting responsibilities it drained her both physically and emotionally. Then her dog died and another narc moved into the home who instead of helping became a huge problem that needed a lot of care. So after a couple years of carrying double responsibility and narc abuse caregiver passed away at 60 years of age. 🌺 It was very very sad. Narcs seem to always slide along at minimum , shirking off what they do not benefit from. Just crusin along in comfort. Using others and making victims. Best wishes to You!🌹
@@carolbell8008 I'm very sorry to hear that. Reading your message scares me because I have been a caregiver to my parents for a very long time. I'm 23 years old. I don't want to die from heart disease or exhaustion. That's a very scary thing. 😭😭😭
This is exactly what I needed to hear - thank you so much 🙏 I had my borderline narcissistic mother in my care for a few weeks and I became so sick … I literally returned her to condemned home and told the social worker I want nothing more to do with her - her delusional demise is her own to suffer.
I helped my narcissist husband during pancreatic cancer and stroke. He did get more angry towards me, which was painful. But I did what I needed to do. And the stroke affected his speech center, so he couldn't punish me with words. I made sure that friends and family were there every day. I let him hold court, and by not being able to speak, he finally fit in, and people were comfortable around him. He prepared me for his loss, staying away from home except to sleep.
Thank you, I'm dealing with a malignant adult child and my life is better since I started watching your videos. I have learned to grey rock him, it has helped my attitude and mental health .
Dr. Ramani, once again you nailed it. Your description of the adult child caring for the narcissistic parent with narcissistic siblings - spot on. The "fixer" and the "scapegoat," two of the names I've personally used to define my family role - oh, and "black sheep." Thank you for your work; it is one of my primary buoys in my recovery of narcissistic abuse - mine, 55 years, but I'm only 58. There is life after awakening.
My sister did not become a narcissist, but she learned and adopted one of our mother's most insidious characteristics: pathological lying. No malice is ever intended as with our mother, but rather just lying for the sake of lying.
John, I've had to take personal inventory of my own behaviours. Learning what mechanisms I have also adapted and used. . I do care about my appearance, but I'm not better than anyone else. Í do run a business, as a business woman, but often self check my motives. Ím cautious not to be mini narc, as i pulled myself out of social media trap.... It's not about me.... I just wanted to share and find friends. Sadly, I want to isolate and insulate, since I'm too sensitive for cross
Taking care of my mother, who's not a kind and loving person, I sometimes feel like a demon. Yes, like pure evil. But you know, there's no other way to be in interaction with her than feeling some of the bad feelings that goes along with narcissism. As long as I can distance myself and try to see it from the outside it's okay. It's part of compassion both with her and with myself. And as long as I can feel there's no need to act out in a bad way. Which I of course also do sometimes. Then I have to catch myself, apologize (if needed) and take a break (if possible). It's hard work on the inside. Every day. That's the truth. The more I can make conscious decisions about my situation, the better I feel. This is my life. The hardest most challenging thing for me is to be kind to myself. Not acting out rage and shame towards myself. Choosing happiness and joy no matter what is in the air.
@@tarantiae Agreed! I wish I could be the loving, caring caregiver, the devoted wife like in the movies... But my husband is so mean, en demanding... It's never enough, fast enough and if I am taking a minute to myself or for the kids, I am not giving him "ANY" time...
@7:08 letting go of the hope that this person in their final years will become kinder, gentler or more caring is very important. Thanks for pointing this out.
you can not make it right! the more you try, the more they try to put you down. Emotional abuse is on daily bases. Our aunt takes the things we are proud of and puts them down. awful
susi sonnenschein : My aunt (my late moms sister) and my father share an apartment, and carers. She is an absolute nightmare , thinks she 'owns' my father, who has dementia. She controls his money, what he eats, where he goes ( he only goes anywhere with me). Thank God for the carers... I would have been jailed for homicide years ago.
Melany Todd yes, i can relate to that😏... i could write a book of my aunts nasty and evil comments, things a healthy person wouldnt even think of saying out loud. its just so sad a person can be like that. No empathy for others, but she is entitled of everything.She is not interested in anything or anyone but herself. Threats, accusations, insults everytime. She definitely doesn’t have dementia. My brothers gets physically sick, my sister is an enabler of her and i am prone to panic attacks that got a lot worse. I decided not to take care of her no more, and give my brother all the emotional support he needs , telling him constantly that it is not his fault she is like this. She is destroying our family by trying to divide us. Dont know what to do no more. To you all my best wishes and to anyone that experiences a nightmare like this.
I’ve looked after my mother my whole life. When my father died, we sold our home, bought a bigger home to move our family (two children still at home) and for my Mum. It was the wrong thing to do. she lived with us for 15 years. My health went downhill big time from there. I had no privacy and it was pure hell on earth every day even more so than when she didnt’ live with us. She’s now in a LTC facility and is still ruling as the Queen of the Narcs through daily phone calls of guilt. And when I visit her. The only time I feel well is when I go on vaca and cannot even use my phone and she has no contact with us.
The worst caregiving situation I've ever experienced is dealing with my narcissistic husband with stage 4 cancer. I dealt with his rage, threats, ploys for sympathy , insecurities, triangulation, and entitlement. At this point, I'm trying to carve out a life for myself that infuriates him. Now he attempts to be nice and loving yet will become angry when I don't reciprocate. He's well aware that the marriage is a sham and that my goal is to be cordial and to assist him.
I came here to say something very similar. Narcissistic husband with cancer, and he has raged at me, threatened me, and all of the above. I'm so sorry you're going through this as well. It's hard for anyone not dealing with this to understand that you don't always feel like you can just walk off and leave this human with cancer...but you also can't let them treat you horribly and destroy your own health.
I am going through this right now. I am the only child and take care of my bio dad and my stepmom. I am so emotional drained. I drive round trip 2 hours a day, to take care both of them. Your videos are helping with dealing with both of them.
I am struggling so badly with this. My blood pressure is high too. I’m caring for my elderly DIVORCED parents while all of us live together! You know my life. It’s so hard.
Lol wait till they remarry each other again and throw ypu all for a loop. Happened to me. Married parents for 10 Yeats and then had me, then they divorce and remarry each other when I was 30. Sickos
Thankyou so much for this video, I've realised this is exactly where I've landed. Very frustrating, trying and draining situation.The behaviour as they get older just keeps getting worse as time goes by. Respite from their behaviour is a must 100% to remain sane regardless of their manipulations.
#DoctorRamani I hope this is the right place to put this video. My Dad was the narcissist and mum took on his traits. I was the scapegoat but they were abusive to us all as kids. I am the only one with VLC, Dad is now deceased. My 4 older siblings decided to deny the abuse once they left, one brother warned my Dad if he hit his kids he would never see them again. My parents treated my four siblings with respect once they left home and some had kids, they were excellent grandparents, however they were the same with me, talking down to me, etc. I am miles away but there is no scapegoat in our family now. I thought they chose another scapegoat, all of my nephews and nieces love my parents so how come they didnt choose a replacement scapegoat? Dad might have scapegoated mum, but now he is dead, mum isn't scapegoating anyone. I spoke to her 4 years ago and she raised her voice to me, like the old days, but there is no substitute scapegoat why?
Thank you. The stress is taking a massive toll on my mental and physical health. My mom had major stroke and it’s stressful because whatever I do or say can set her off and we are scared she’ll have another stroke. I hit bottom and am resting this weekend. 🙏❤️The caregiver can’t take much more either. It’s like my therapist said, we should be the heroes for all we are bending over backwards to do but we are the scapegoats We need prayers please. I’m so sorry if anyone else reading this is going through the same thing. It sure makes you feel crazy and causes awful pain.
I took care of my narc husband while he had cancer, for a couple of years before he went into residential care, but then I had to be the RP, the gopher for things they didn't provide, and ultimately, the person who made the funeral arrangements. Never one thank you. Not one "I'm glad you're here." My service, including bathroom assistance, was EXPECTED by him--and never good enough. (Never mind that he left me hanging when I had a serious injury and once when I had a hip replaced.) The demands were for a CERTAIN brand of orange soda, a CERTAIN type of candy, nothing else would do, to update his Facebook when he could no longer see, to read the cards (and thank the senders--not his idea), and also disperse certain of his property to family and friends. OH! and to let his girlfriend know this and that. Never ONCE did he make mention or express worry of what was going to happen to me after he died. Four years later, I have my own home, and I'm better than I've ever been.
I am laughing as i am listening to you it is almost as though you are a fortuneteller word for word you hit the nail and How i wish i knew this 3 or 4 years ago it would have spared me so much agony depression and feeling like i didn't do enough and it could have saved me a whole lot of money too, you nailed every aspect of the Narcisitic parent and Narcisitic siblings there is no death bed confession you are 190% correct about everything. I am beginning to understand that though we are all unique as individuals or asteticly , Our different personalities are carbon copies of whatever group you fall under and this actually predicts your future and what you should be prepared for... thanks for the good work DR RAMANI, GOD BLESS!
Dr.Ramani ....I just love your videos ...you have included so many aspects of living with this abuse ...many a times I feel "ohh yes! This happens! I can relate to it !" ...I can only say thank you ...(yesterday my narcissistic husband was deriding me and calling me all sorts of things...I thought isn't HE the one who is like this instead of me ...then it occured ..yes this is Projection !)
My goodness this describes my experience with my father and my family. Now that two months have passed, I regret trying to help because it reinforced the lack of love or interest he had in me. Insulted me even as his kidneys failed and he couldn’t even lift his head. I ended up pushed aside when he died as my narcissistic sister in law stepped up to wear the crown of dutiful daughter in law. No regard for my need to have closure from a lifetime of cruelty.
I’m happy to say that I am flourishing now that I am out from under the verbal abuse of my father. I feel free for the first time in my life. Use these videos to help yourself. Great deal of information here.
Thank you Dr. Ramani. With each video so many light bulbs go off in my head! Also the empowerment I gain is truly helpful. I'm really glad to have found your UA-cam page.
Wow I needed to learn about this. I am 28 🇧🇷 in SoCal and became a caregiver for both my narcissistic parents before the age of 18. I don't get Thank Yous, my narc brother has an entitlement to not help but make things worse and put his kids on me to care for ( I put a boundary down now). Wow. I have struggled so much with missing out on childhood, development, social life, work experience outside of them, and honestly not being abused on a daily for all my life. I can't believe how much this helped validate the insanity I feel I go through with the type of family I was born into. Dr.Ramani you've changed my life. I wish I could meet you one day because no one and even theraoists don't understand how psychologically and emotionally taxing this has been for me. No one around me has similar situations so I often doubt. On my profile I made videos if you care to watch them Dr.Ramani to get a closer understanding of these unique circumstances. Not to mention my parents are really elderly. My dad is 83 (had me at 54 years old) with Parkinsons and Dementia. My mom is 68 with MS. ...and being brazilian too... wow what a life I've had so far. I feel your videos help me untangle the mind warp I'm enmeshed and bonded to.
Great video Dr Ramani I’m caregiving now for my N father. It has had a tremendous effect on my life. I have 4 other siblings and none of them even visit unless they think I’m doing something wrong then I’m condemned and falsely accused of all kinds of things, including abuse. This is indeed everything you said it is in this video. Great advice, I think it’s time to take care of me. Where to start?
Thank u so much Dr. Ramani !! This video is golden. I'm not crazy and I'm not the problem as I feel others think I must be !! My narcissistic Mom now with dementia is practically impossible ! My emotions are off the chain and I know this is not good for my health . I don't need another heart attack . And yes I do see my therapist next week and participating in very helpful life coaching which was a very good investment for me . I am so conditioned NOT to practice self love and self care , a lot of this from the narcisstic abuse I have endured form my Mom the past 55 years !! , and she her Mom as well. And they both had and have dementia now . I do believe a huge risk for dementia . You get what I try so hard to explain to others that they just can't ever get or understand . And yes I still love my Mom , I am way too compassionate !! The line between is it the narcissism or is it dementia is so hard to decipher ! The MC facility I had to place her in three weeks ago only sees the dementia side , and not the complexity of the also existing strong narcisstic personality traits. My Mom is transitioning well , actually happy and smiling which she hasn't in 3 years - yet she tells me the opposite and us very mean to only me . She plays me, she's a master of manipulation ..Boy do I know that ! She tells me she wishes I was never born and I've been a disappointment to her all my life . Wow Mom. She tells me I have dumped her in a sh_thole and I'm using all her money . ( Nope Mom I got u out of the real sh_thole three weeks ago, and yes we live paycheck to paycheck,so I am indeed using ur funds but ONLY for ur very needed care - of course I cannot share that thought with my Mom ) She thinks she's fine living alone in her paid off home. I'm a retired PA-C ,she's not . Safety is now a very real issue . Proof - She fell down her steep basement stairs in early July ( apparently as she tried to later explain to me she was taking trash to her post office to have it recycled ,and she's was going to drive there . Her PCP told her just this past May it was OK for her to drive short distances !! I so disagreed with that advice ,Mom loved it of course to validate her belief she was " fine" ) had to have partial hip replacement from her osteoporosis and resulting hip fracture . Then rehab in a lovely / (NOT!!) SNF that was severely understaffed and not too great at dealing with dementia patients . Bet u know who sat with her hours in that stinky ,roach infested place and helped her with her needs ,wiped her bottom ,and watched her lay in her own wastes for hours , even covering her post-op hip incision. A UTI or infection just waiting to happen . Changed her myself and quickly learned CNA skills. And heck yes I fought and got her out of there as soon as I could to a very nice cadillac Memory Care facility . She's just too difficult and far advanced for plain Assisted Living now . I've been trying for years to get her to live into retirement community ,but refused holding money over my head she didn't want to spend because she was doing darn fine living alone in her home . ) I don't expect gratitude , I dont expect any inheritance, I do this out of love and respect and well she's my Mom . My Dad asked me to take care of her before he passed in 2016 .I take that seriously because he was my personal Superman who protected me from Mom's wrath until he passed . But too he was not perfect and truth be told he did enable her for 51 years . But w/o him to model pretty normal behavior and love to me , how would I of turned out ? The little girl in me still hopes for some type of Mom - Daughter relationship . I've got to let my little girl know thats just not reality little one ,and we wouldn't know what it was anyway because we have never experienced love from her - our Mom . My emotions are spinning and all over the place . Triggers and childhood memories running amuck . I am desperately seeking support resources for myself !! And I definitely don't want to be like my Mom and potentially ever put our two now young adult kids thru this insanity and chaos and HURT !! They don't even want to see or visit their MawMaw . They both see how much she hurts me ,and they don't like that too much . I don't visit much either ,facility has actually recommended I don't ,(Wow) ,and I don't need her abuse right now either anyway . I can't handle it . Facility tells me not to take things personally she says to me ,and I know that with dementia patients and I do have much grace and space for her true dementia , BUT they are clueless of the presence and complexity of the long term narcissistic abuse I've endured ,and my lifetime as my Mom's favorite scapegoat. To tell me not to take things she says personally isn't going to work too well for me .I ramble and this is a long comment ,but thank you, thank you ,thank you for sharing this info with me. I need to take care of me !! New SRK film coming out in September. Bollywood films make me so happy !! I have to have some positive outlet as I try to navigate this very difficult journey ,and I will always still love my Mom.and want only the best for her , despite how our lifelong relationship has been. She's awfully lucky I feel that way . I could just walk away and be done . Thank goodness she has the funds to allow her to get the care she needs . Wish I could ideally do it all for her , but I just can't or it could literally kill me .I see that so clearly now . 😂
My narc ex-husband was mean and nasty when he was ill. I couldn’t understand it. I could understand being a bit sad and miserable when sick, but being nasty and difficult, I couldn’t. I left him after 28 years, but only learnt about narcissism after I made my escape. I have had hundreds of ‘ah-ha’ moments since then, and this is another one! Thank you.
If your parent is a secret narcissist, everybody around you won't accept it. He/she has been such a caring parent how can you be so ungrateful to not take care of her/him? You don't live alone on this planet and their flying monkeys are everywhere. Sometimes you have to do it, wheather it is fair or not.
And I do not feel bad. I know exactly what the last 62 years have felt like. I am finished. My younger brothers a narc who had a stroke because he still lives with nark mama at age almost 60. This is finally my life not theirs
Solid State i agree that’s why I added the caveat. Family matters are tricky. A boyfriend ? Get out stay out. I should have been more clear about the relationship type. However even with family - a good time to reinforce boundaries.
@@skdewolf7606 For gods sake: The ivisible child, now a narcissist herself, took care of my mother. I was the scapegoat and ran away. But oh my god, what an awful, ungrateful brat I was for not acknowledge that we had the best mother _ever_!
Wow it hadn't occurred to me that many of the people who aren't taking the COVID-19 pandemic seriously may be behaving this way because of a personality disorder (like narcissism). Underrated comment here!
My Mother's favorite thing is to try to define me to myself. "Terri, this is just not like you...." We have never been of like mind and for her to tell me this, or to tell others who I am in front of me is really hard to take. " I know that you don't like this"...or " I know you've never liked....." when it is not true, has never been true and is against the exact thing that I just tried to communicate...Through this series of videos I'm learning not to respond to those words and it has gotten easier. Thank you.
Thank you for this video! I have been caregiving my husband who has a brain tumor, PTSD and TBI. He still works and to most appears normal and healthy. But when stress takes over, he is unable to function and misses day/s of work from extreme fatigue, dizziness, severe headaches, irritability and sometimes seizures and confusion. It's an emotional rollercoaster and exhausting on every level. Understanding his narcissism helps. Thank you again.
Care giving for a narcissist is like putting a knife into you repeatedly.You know they don't give a damn,you know they don't return it,you know they aren't grateful,you know this is just to keep them at peace yet caregiving is our caressing job with a fear that we might get replaced.
My wife and I are going through this now and your videos have helped us understand the situation SO much better! We’re right in the middle of it and have seen the “bad” behavior as narcissistic but had NO idea how much of it was that! Figuring it out as we go… Thanks for the videos!
I'm the only child. Both Narc parents w dementia. Father refused to sign POAs or wills. So am trying to stay afloat of the bs they bringing upon themselves. Ugh!!
My brother and sister have been trying to set it up for years that I will be my Mothers primary care giver, when the time comes. My sister has been making calls this year asking me if I understood that the care of an elderly falls on the daughter, that my brother and his wife have plans. She cannot help and will be flying to somewhere for the holidays and has plans for Paris. This is helpful truth being spoken here. Thank you!
I left my narc family. I´m in no contact. They dont need me - the scapegoat, they are now first time grandparents ignoring me for many months already. My sister acts like primadona, she has always wanted parents for herself, their golden child, always jealous of me, competing with me, trying to correct me (how I should behave, talk, even chew!) every time acting like she was my mother.... Ok, Im done, I left and the thought that once she will have to take care of two old toxic narcs makes me feel to have a little bit of revenge beforhand. :D Who has it the same way?
I’m also no contact. What is amazing is that month by month I keep feeling better. No way I’m EVER going back to that. I feel total relief that I’ve sidestepped looking after my narcissist mother in old age. Sure, someone else will get all the money, but who cares?! Happiness is worth it!
@@josephuk2609 YOu speak my mind. I decided that the money of my parents is not worth a miserable life with toxic people in it. Im out, my painful eczema is gone, just like that after 38 year. :O Yes, it does hurt to know they dont care about me, never loved me and they will try to re-connect after long time when they will need something from me thinking that I will be super happy and pretending like they never neglected me. Like I did far too many times in past. Haha, not this time. Im out for good and from the whole family, so my mother cannot use her flying monkeys. Funny thing my man reminded me yesterday. After weeks of no contact from my mother I called her to know if she is doing well, etc. and she said she was so happy I called because she was worried about me, if Im happy, etc. Yeah, I fell for her words feeling loved believing she cares about me... but this was like months ago. Now I know she does not. She could call me or even visit me personally anytime she was worried. She lives like 5 mins walking to me. It was always me who called and cared about them, they used to ignore me for months... :-( There were many situations when I called my mother (during a day) after long time no see and instead of being happy she yelled at me that I woke her up! Or picking up the call with words "what is going on?" "what do you want?" with vivid anger in her voice. Not even saying "hi or hello"
@@ChrisXTophe I am sorry to hear that. That must had been painful for you him just asking for money absolutely not interested in his grandchild. But you know that it is better for you daughter not to have such cold and toxic person in her life. Although you cannot fill the empty place with anything just accept it. :-( My sister will never change till our mother lives. Once our mother is not here anymore, my sister will struggle a lot, lot, lot. She has her little son now but she had not cut the umbilical cord to her mother yet. And she is 35 already. She is mother´ s golden child and slave at the same time. I told her if she wants to have me back in her life and good relationship she will need to step up and take responsibility for all the evil she had done to me or my mother done to me and she was helping her BEFORE our mother dies. Because after her death it would be only manipulation, cause she is lost in this world, she struggles in relationships (our mother convinced her that all people are evil and she cannot trust anyone, just our mother). But I changed my mind since I went NC. There is no coming back. She lost her chance. She had too many and she just laughed at me or rolled her eyes every single time... Im worthless for fer but I am worthy for me finally. Yay! And for my man. ;-)
Yes, I am in the same boat, except for the need for revenge. Although, I admit, I am still angry with my sister, but I'm working on that. Dr. Ramini did a video a while back on the narcissist's karma. Don't worry about revenge. Work on healing yourself and what comes to them, will come. In a way, it's a shame that we're no longer "on the team", because the family misses out on what we might have contributed. But that's OK. They can have it. I can't even imagine tangling with my narcissistic siblings over the care of my demanding father! It is what it is. Peace.
@@chocolate-eq6jn I know you are right. But the anger after all they did to me. You dont have even idea. My childhood was a torture, toxic place to live, things I pushed back deep in my mind no to feel the pain. It was like my father and my mother competed who will be worse to me. :-( These situations now are coming out to my active mind and I re-live all those bad memories to heal. I can heal than but now it is like the abuse was still ongoing with every new video by Dr. Ramani. :-( It hurts. I know I need to go through that again but this time with the knowledge what it was about actually. Not me, but them. They are toxic, they will never heal, become human beings. You cannot cut off the pain when it is so fresh. Im in NC since August 2020. So all those ugly words about my body, my character, my skills, my brain, my friends, ... it was them jealous because I showed my creativity since early childhood and I always had a lot of friends. So I was abused, sad to be not talented, said that my friends are fake, they dont like me, they just use me and my father even thought that I must have had slept with them because there was no other way they would like me (and he started to check my cycle every month, I was 16, a virgin and felt totally humiliated).
Doctor ya know how you want us to tell ya stuff .For the first time in my life I am happy .My main narc was my mother .have not let her back in my life for a year .you never think your own mother would hurt an embarrass you .But that been the cycle .I already messed up most of my life .I been single since 2006 .I haven't let any man in ither .reason I am attracted to the narcs .I am hoping that i will learn enough that will change .went to the doctor today i really said i was happy .really i cant believe it ..The last time i let my mother in i had to get dental work done .she asked me the name of the dentist. Me not thinking gave her the name .She called up there an sabotage it .dont know wtf she said dont want to know .I had to leave there an start from scratch .it was embarrassing. I had to apologize about her .I ended up crying .it takes a lot to cry .The last time I saw my mom she told me I was worthless .that was Feb 6 2020 . I am happy Doctor !
dr. ramani's videos are so educational and refreshing. They have really helped me a lot with toxic relationships with friends and family members. Giving me insight into situations i knew were wrong but was unable to comprehend how bad they actually were. Also i have learnt a lot about myself and different patterns i may have been drawn to. Its helped me realise the importance of making better decisions for myself and help me set up boundaries! super appreciative of these videos as well as the'yre also entertaining! Thanks Dr.Ramani!!
My father has absolutely ruined my life, with my partners, or anything I've ever tried to do in my life. He had always been indifferent to my pain, now, my entire life had been turned upside down, lost my partner, I lost my business, and I am gaining weight, and my looks are gone. I caught shingles and scarred my face. And it doesn't end. My birth mother is worse!!! I met her. I am triangulated
Toni Abeyta ...you might have a second chance w renewing some of your looks if you have 130/ mo to spend on Mermaid USA anti - aging tablets. Lots of good reviews on Amazon or it’s cheaper on the mermaid USA .com site. I have also considered trying Beverly Hills dermal renewing capsules @ 35-40 / mo. depending on how many containers you get. There are people who have success with this too. I may try it. There were some very good things taken off the market for some reason. It can be frustrating. Remember to not neglect your relationship with the Lord as you search for answers in your life here and after. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will satisfy the desires of your heart. There is hope.
...just re- read your comment and want to add there is also ‘derma rolling’ if scars are so bad too and it is also anti aging as the puncture wounds stimulates collagen renewal and scar healing. Many Yt vids to check out. I don’t remember reading amazon reviews mentioning scar healing for mermaid product. Your profile pic looks good( and you seem the right age before you are out of any range of non- surgical aesthetic help too), so you should be able to find help for the scarring you mention. Your weight gain may be stress- cortisol related. You need to learn how to de- stress. Read the word while you ‘earth’ your bare feet, etc. google other stress buster suggestions. Stress is hard to overcome in your situation...I need to work on forgiveness for my parent, hoping God will also here and there give me eyes to see the parent as i need to to get through my time w parent. I wish you the best here and eternally.
Oh my god I feel u plz take break maybe go outside of the house be places where people are so many that he doesn't kill u and don't go one place everyday go different places be safe take care off ur self maybe leave and take break from home
Tomorrow I’m supposed to move in to my mother’s after a stroke left her unable to be independent anymore last month. Every instinct in my body is telling me to cancel the movers and RUN. I don’t think I can actually survive being the caretaker after years of trauma caused by her actions. My heart rate has already jumped just typing this comment.
All you said is true dr. My daughter was the one who kept the glue that holds the family together, she selfishly did not complain and ended up in a shack with her boyfriend and now they are both gone. He had installed heated water by propane which gave off carbon monoxide poisoning and they died together. I imagine both of them commiserated being the glue that held the families together because Sarah never did once complain. And so we move forward. Sarah was highly educated as a dental assistant and an acute care nurse, somehow she had a superpower holding it all in. I had suggested in the spirit that Sarah was, to take the wood that where she lied in, to take that wood, and strap it to their cars or trucks, and go ahead and build tongue drums, because the beauty of music would heal many communities, yet nobody wants to hear from an older hearing-impaired woman who only is asking in the spirit of who Sarah was.to create something beautiful out of a horrible situation. I don't have a car to strap the wood on, somebody might. I don't have access to the tools, somebody might. Sarah Anne MacDermid was a beautiful person inside and out, except don't play Risk or monopoly with her, her competitive nature about winning a game would outlast you. Cheer Sarah you win she was only 31. Parents are not meant to outlive their children. www.cbc.ca/news/canada/british-columbia/tulameen-sarah-macdermid-casey-bussiere-1.5679240?fbclid=IwAR3dmTRs7oQYlmFOqZUexbYPLVKHlu34SEO0qnyCnZZRzOhxgiVAoESsOCc
Resonates! I became a caregiver to my narcissist spouse. My 20-22 hour days were all about him and his care. He would not do anything I suggested (breathing, etc.) and instead wanted me to “fix it. He mistook my care for love and thought all was well. Ha. As he walked toward deaths door, I did what I could to help him get better...never enough. He played me and I knew it. What he actually did was make me aware of my strengths as I took over all the household responsibilities and aware of his weakness and neediness in expecting me to “kiss it and make it better”! I did lots of journaling which saved my sanity. To this day, he assumes I saved him and that I must love him. To this day, I know that I did what I had to do and love had nothing to do with it. Now 18 months later, he’s walking and “helping” with a few tasks. Mostly, he’s taking advantage of his illness to do very little. I made it my choice to continue with the responsibilities as his dementia is progressing. Your videos have shown me the many ways I’ve been narcissistically abused. I find I can now laugh at his attempts to control me with his criticisms for they only made me stronger by the way those put downs exposed his superficial life. He is alone in that life now. I’m a survivor in training.
I think total trust in any relationship is overpriced as i ended up hating myself for ever believing my ex-husband. When my ex-husband started getting home late, I would ask and he'd say something came up at work. When i couldn't take any more of his lies, I decided it was time i get to know what was really going on. On the recommendation of a friend, I contacted this great ethical hacker (cyberhackingsage@gmail) who cloned his cellphone without physically touching the device and as a result, I was able to access his social media accounts, GPS Location, iMessage, call logs and text messages (both recent and deleted) through a remote decryption link sent to me. I discovered he is a liar who is having a secret affair with his secretary and that he has been using money from our joint account to finance the affair. Thanks to cyberhackingsage, I was able to file for divorce with lots of evidence against him. If you're ever in doubt or you need that extra bit of closure, I recommend you send a mail to cyberhackingsage@gmail or text and WhatsApp them at +15713758467.......................I hope you find peace of mind just like me after I discovered the truth.
Found out my In laws are very ill. After letting their daughter for dead in the hospital. Luckily my wife survived, and now they are ill and keep asking for our help. After the 20 years if narcissistic abuse to my wife I. We decided to go no contact. I'm a caregiver for my wife, we are both the scapegoats and use us to take advantage of the us in the past.
Being a caregiver to a narc is IMPOSSIBLE . Physically, emotionally , psychologically . The "golden child" is living overseas. He does, however, pay for care, for which I am truly grateful. I would have been up for murder if he hadn't .
I was the scapegoat and fled, but the invisible child took care of our narcisstic mother whild the golden child didn't do carework. The invisible child now is a narcissist herself.
Solid State : that actually makes sense❣. The 'invisible one' is now getting her own needs met. Sadly, that's the only way she knows how to get her needs met. Do NOT be her new scapegoat❣.
I was in a similar situation. My mom was actively trying to destroy my family after I got married, so my newlywed times are horrible memories. She also turned the rest of the family against me. But since I went low contact and then no contact, my own family has blossomed, and I have gotten peace. Not sure what I will do when my parents get older and will require help. I am their only child. Maybe I'll limit my involvement to financial help...
One more reason to get rid of the narcissist before the narcissist needs caregiving. Caregiving for the narcisist is only another form of narcissstic abuse. I used to know a raging narcissist: when she got older, all of her three children "disapeared" ... the smartest move for a narcissist would be to save a lots of money for the old days ... I'm sure they will need it ....
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this video!! I am the sole responsible person for my mother. I knew several years ago when her best friend called me about mom's memory issues that when it came down to it, mom could not live with me; she would wreck my marriage. Three years ago she was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's and a year later a neurologist added vascular dementia. My husband and I found a lovely memory care facility and helped mom move in. Naturally, she complained about everything and about me to whoever would listen. It is hard sometimes to tell how much of what she says is truly dementia/Alz or plain NPD. I can't say anything because no one would believe me that she's a narcissist. She's told her friends and all the caregivers that I am autistic/asperger's/PDD-NOS. I take care of all her bills and finances and, prior to COVID, took her to/from all her doctor appointments, as well as visited her weekly, bringing whatever items she needed/wanted. Your videos have helped me so much. I especially appreciate your encouragement by pointing out my "superpowers". I'm certain God is increasing my patience through the trials of dealing with my mother. There are definitely days where I want to give up. But I keep pressing on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call.
Former family caregiver here (my father had front-temporal dementia & no personality disorder or narcissism) just commenting to say "I believe you". For the dementia side of the picture I highly recommend Teepa Snow (she is great at figuring out how to handle the challenging behaviors of people living with dementia & yes she has experience of people who have dementia + a mental disorder). For the caregiving side of this, consider a dementia caregivers support group (online or in-person) Not sure if there are any listed on alz.org (Alzheimers) or stroke.org (vascular dementia) but you can start there.
@@SENone-wu5cd - thank you for your belief in me. I looked into support groups in my area and unfortunately they only meet during the day and I work a full-time job. I have read a multitude of articles on alz.org and many books, in addition to the videos. I still struggle, but feel that I'm slowly getting better at letting go.
@@serenityzander9277 I think an online support group would be your best option if you can find one, but if not remember you can call or email the relevant dementia advocacy organization if you think you're getting overwhelmed.
The elderly narcissist: "God has allowed me to live another day, so I intend to make it everybody's problem"
Fucking 💀💀🤣 when they say if god hasnt killed me yet then its not my time.. or that they dont wanna die yet, its like dammit! 🙄😂
#Toomeantodie.
Sounds accurate
That's comedy gold right there😂🤣👍🏻👍🏻👏🏻.
This statement is GOLD😂
The horrible truth is that they would NEVER care for you!
My mother helped some even though my son took me most of the time when I had cancer. She constantly yelled and belittled me. I think she was upset when the Dr. said he got it all after the surgery and it didn't spread.
Absolutely true x
When my narcissistic father finally died, my mom and I could not have been more relieved and happy. Best thing he ever did for us.
I hope you took a cruise to celebrate, or something.
There's a new holiday "Deathmas"... It's a lot like Christmas😉😁🤭.
@@malwads1836 OMG, that's great 😂
It's such a relief to see someone else who knows this truth! Since my husband passed, I've come to look at it as an Honorable Discharge. And as my MS symptoms improve, I really perceive what danger I was in.
I am anticipating the death of my mother, I will have a party as she burns in hell
A couple of months ago, I agreed to take care of an elderly woman whose daughter told me she had "mild" dementia. Well, the beech was a full-blown narcissist -- and after a week of her abuse, I told her daughter that I was leaving; but I agreed to take care of her dad for a week until a replacement could be found.
So I was taking the narc's husband for a walk, grocery-shopping, to the gym, etc., and the beech was incensed! So what did she do? She told everyone in her family -- including the home-health nurse -- that I was having an affair with her 84-year-old husband in order to get me to quit before the week was over.
They aim below the belt, guys -- NEVER underestimate them. 🥊
Hahaha that's why they called it dementia. I mean 84 years old... Unless it was Keanu Reeves or Brad Pitt...well, let's just say she wouldn't make it in a court room 😆
My cousin told me first thing my mom says to the home health care agency is, "i would like her [the carer] to address me as "Mrs. Hashimoto"". God, this topic makes me want to be white!
@@pebblebrookbooks4852 Reminds me of the song "She blinded me with Science." (2:55) "Good Heavens, Miss Sakamoto -- you're beautiful!" 😄
ua-cam.com/video/V83JR2IoI8k/v-deo.html
84? Most men can’t get it up after 60? Anyone believing that lie I wouldn’t worry too much about. What a pack of morons
@@lisaaustin4561 Honestly -- if I'm gonna have an affair, It's gonna be with a guy in his 30's; like the narc's grandson! 😁 🏋️♂️
From early childhood, I never knew anything but hatred and contempt from my mother, as well as slapping, beatings, and mental cruelty. I took care of her in her old age. Sometimes I hear people express pity for "the poor old people abandoned in nursing homes whose kids never come to see them." And I wonder how many of them are reaping what they've sown.
I hear that hugs to you ❤️
Exactly.Most of the time there's a REASON why adult children go no-contact with elderly parents.Why would a normal person want to stay away from a parent that offers them unconditional love, emotional support, understanding,etc?In most cases it's because something is very wrong with the parent-child relationship &/or parents themselves.
Totally agree.
@@malwads1836 Very well said. I'm going through this myself for the past 4 years.
Yep!
Just wanted to say that it was only when I became a caregiver - and was tearing my hair out with her behaviour - that I Googled "Habitual lying" and stumbled on the whole description of Narcissism. Literally, I cried with relief when I realised the problem wasn't my failure to cope with her....
Me too...it was such an awakening
Your not alone you can learn how to deal
With them
With
Looking after you first
Zl
I still vividly remember the 💡 moment when I happened to look up "mean behavior" on Google 6+ years ago & first 👀 the DSM criteria for NPD pop up in the results,it completely shifted my entire perspective🥲.It was a perfect match for my narc father & explained everything so clearly...The turmoil & tears in my childhood finally made sense.I'll always be so grateful for the mental health field folks on here that are making this info readily available to the general public for free🙂.
Me too. I thought she had dementia , then realised she has done this my whole life- but I wasn't her prime supply then so it wasn't as bad then .
Caregiving for a narcissist can be very difficult. It can feel as though you are working against them, rather than working with them. Narcissists are paranoid and untrustworthy. They always feel like you are out to get them.
OMG 🙏💕
the word you're looking for is "untrusting"
"Was ich selber denk und tu, trau ich jedem andren zu!" (What I think and do myself, I wouldn't put it past everybody else.)
And they always feel like everyone is after their money
You just described my mom. 😥
I was also the scapegoat who had to take care of my ill mother. I was only 14 when it started. She felt completely entitled to my help, even though I started failing at school, had no friends, was completely isolated from everybody. When I told her I couldn't do this anymore because it was killing me she told me to suck it up and stop complaining. "It's not like you have anything to do anyway, you're just sitting at home all day and failing at school. Make yourself useful." She died when I was in my early twenties. It was a second chance at life.
Edit: Btw I also didn't get the deathbed apology/gratitude I was hoping for. Insted she told me on her last day of life that she was disappointed in the person that I had become and that I did nothing but hurt her all her life. NOT what I was hoping for. But it's what I got.
Wow, I'm glad you replief early.... I'm 59.5, and it's still happening. No partner, lost all the good ones. And no job that I can feel good in. I have jumped every time. I hate this!
OMG. Im very sorry to hear that.
Bless your heart!
God sees and cares. Jesus has always been there for me. Thru narc parents, narc siblings, narc in laws, narc husband. Now I am free from all of them. He gave me 2great kids and 3 gbabies. Be free dear one, give your life to Him, He will restore all the years the locusts have eaten!! He loves like no other! He loves you!
So sorry you had to experience that.
I took care of my narc mom for 5 years. She died 6 months ago however I am still recuperating from the madness. It is like the toxin is slowly draining out of my poor body. It’s going to take awhile to get back to me again
It never completely goes away. You eventually just learn to cope with it.
I hope you took yourself on a nice holiday, or to a spa.
Poor dear,treat yourself with kindness...You should get a nice 🎂 to celebrate the nightmare being done & also to celebrate your own self for who you are🙂👍🏻. Narcs have no gratitude for being parents...So we have to learn to appreciate our own selves.
Mine feel ill and i woke up yesterday and realized the last five years of my life have been taken from me while dealing with her issues once again. I was almost free.
Im.so sorry I understand exactlywhatbyou are saying .
Parents get old, and there is a passing of the npd torch to the next generation of toxic family members. Leave the circus before you become the trained elephant who forgets his own strength. When you get out, the aftermath will feel as heavy as an elephant. And, much like an elephant, you'll most likely never forget. Remember you are seemingly in a dark tunnel, you must keep going, never give up, even when it's hard, try everything you possibly can with determination, because you will see light and you will feel light again. Restoration is possible. A quote: Churchill said, "If you're going through hell, keep going".
I finally had to “retire” from my required job description within my rules®ulations narcissistic family system. I’m in my 60’s with my own grown family who all have been raised with the freedom to choose how they wish to live as adults. Meanwhile I’ve felt a boa constrictor N. Mother squeezing me tighter and tighter to the point of my finally deciding I need to escape! I’ve had over 2 months of no contact, and this had to include my siblings. I’m never getting anywhere close to those false job requirements again. My brain has felt like it’s my own again in these detached months- like a pleasant breeze has been airing it out. Thank you so much for this affirming post Dr. Ramani.
This is SO true. They set up other family members and friends to continue to abuse you 💯💯💯
@@suzannesmith5339 good for you!! 🕊🕊🕊
@@Oceans780 Keep Going. Never give up. You will find a way.
Very well said! Here we are animal rights activists expected to survive our own parents torturing us, now I'm preparing to deal with a tearless day when mom dies as I know my adult daughter will be quite sad, cried a whole 12 (6 per eye) when my dad died though!
Cared for my narcissist husband for 3 years when he had cancer. He died. The feeling of relief was tremendous. This video describes it exactly.
Wow I have had relief 14 years not speaking to ex narc husband. He much older than me and today he is alone, not in good health with a load of money.
Some people think you were probably so upset not realizing you finally got the relief you needed. I understand.
Absolutely right the golden child is nowhere to be seen when the going gets tough 👏🏻👏🏻
Yep, my golden child sister only calls my mom to either ask for a favor/money or to support her behavior. 😡
Last time the golden child called was asking is she dead yet? I wish I could tell her.🤣🤣
I don't agree. The golden child can be very dominant and shut you off from an aging parent.
@@kimlarsson7259 I’d have happily accepted that given our situation but yes you’re right, it’s another strategy isn’t it. (If this is what you’re dealing with please look after yourself too).
The golden child, my sister, also a narc, was his flying monkey.
They also sabotage their children in the warped hope they'll never leave and be forced to caregive. Example, going to a job interview covered in "accidentally" spilled ice cream courtesy of the narcissist.
This was indeed their plan with me, you can't imagine the shouts from my sister Golden child and from my mother main narc, stronger than my father at the moment..
Now my sis has been caught in the care.. She seems genuinely linked.. I do feel to love them for the good they have been andore for the wonderful parents and Sis they could have been and I never met.this sxxt of Narcissism took away from me all my family, and I always watch out it will not take away also my soul..
It's a plague the human specie should become conscious of ASAP cause this literally steal our Souls from God..
My mother was very successful to keep my small. I'm a member of MENSA, yet was not able to get through university because of all the shame I have in myself for trying to improve my life. Whenever I try to do something only I profit from, like sports, healthy eating, studying, ... I feel awful like a total egoist who never cares about other people. I have panic attacks when I try to study. She is dead since many years and I'm still a low-wage worker.
It is Luke that...i know , unfortunately
@@stefaniamirri1112 if you are italian Can we get in touch? I m trying to find and to build a supporto group
This is my life. Caregiver for a parent.
You really nailed it. The isolation of caregiving for a narc with dementia is enough to make you constantly question reality, especially since they can still pull it together for outsiders in the early stages. Would love so much more on this topic just for comfort sake...these videos are my touchstones for keeping sane. 💜
Right? Her videos are so helpful for letting me know that I’m not alone in the full on war with trying to do “the right thing” while my golden child brother lives three hours away and is too busy to visit. Only visiting twice in 8 years……
I am feeling the exact same way. I am helping to care for my narcissistic father in law with mild dementia. He recently had a stroke and my Husband and I are caring for him. I watch him pull it together too when we take him and his dog for a walk and run into neighbours. He’s having a harder time now . I feel for you and completely understand.
Between the ages of 5-11 years old, I was the caregiver for my grandmother after school every day. My parents both worked and I was an only kid. My grandmother was unable to walk, not so good as swallowing, needed lots of pain and anxiety meds (RA), never left the house and sucked the joy of life out of me. Never said thank you, none of the family members ever did. As an adult, when people talk about the challenges of caregiving, I still have to leave the room.
mac4830, that is horrible. You shouldn't have been put in that position!
It's not just the narcissism--no child should be thrust into an adult responsibility, and for several years, no less! 😢
thanks, always speak up if you see a kid shouldered with a nurse's work--it could help the child a lot@@ramoth777
God bless you. May Angels uplift you
Because of COVID and my 90 year old mom's misery, I sprung her from the nursing home to live with me. It's been two months and I'm over-drinking, gaining weight and ignoring my friends. My 5 siblings says they are WAY too busy to help out. I finally made an appointment with a therapist. My mom isn't the WORST narcissist, but she aint no walk-in-the-park and she sure seems to like to push all my buttons. I love her. I HAVE to figure this out.
I wrote off my mother from my life after confronting her about the abuse and neglect she inflected me during my childhood. She denied, minimized, and finally blamed me. I told her I wouldn't take care of her as she grew older because she didn't change and I owe myself peace. There's no way that I'm going back to her hell or anyone else's. I know what kind of people I want close in my life, no matter what. This is my right to choose that and any person who criticizes this can take care of her. I feel sorry for her to be as she is and her life is not my fault.
Edit: thank you very much to all, for sharing your amazing stories of resilience and courage! I'm sending you all the positive vibes you need to continue to move on.
It’s been a week since I cut my narc mother out of my life. I too confronted her and she lost it and started insulting me, for some reason I wasn’t afraid to defend myself. I think she was angry that I stood up for myself. I have served her all my life and she doesn’t appreciate me. I have a beautiful family and I am starting over and will find love in my home. I will not continue to be unhappy because of her. She doesn’t deserve my love. I am happier now, but still feel guilty about the confrontation. But I will not break no contact.
It's been 2 years since I started cutting her off. I didn't confront her but I keep frustrating all the monkeys, when you frustrate the monkeys you potentially destroy the control of the Narcissistic mother.
K Mtz I too have started standing up for myself and confronting some of her abusive behavior saying things to her like “what a disgusting thing to say” or “can you hear yourself right now?” or my favorite “I feel sorry for you.” I just started a new relationship and he is the guy I should have been with my whole life instead of the abusive guys I’ve attracted in the past, and my narc mom usually tries to throw wrenches in all her kids relationships, especially mine so they end, and I end up moving back in with her. But not this time. I’ve been grey rocking her and she can’t stand it. She keeps asking me why I’ve been acting so different and why I seem to have a “chip on my shoulder” when it comes to her. Last night she told me “I want you to act sweet and loving towards me from now on, even if that’s not how you feel.” A grown ass adult, you’re gonna tell me how I should act and feel, I see. She thinks we should all just take her abuse with a smile and not defend ourselves in any way because she does and pays for xyz. When I leave here, it will be for the last time, and I won’t be taking any help, furniture, anything that can cause her to be able to hold anything over my head. And I’ll be damned if I am ever her caregiver. She made her bed.
Amen, and amen.
No contact with narcissist mother, sisters, ex, and sweet enabling father was the most difficult and emotionally wrenching act I've done.
And I would have done it sooner if I had realized the calm serenity of the life I now live. I am planning for retirement in Portugal in a few years, with me, myself and I---I can't wait!
James M I am truly sorry about what you have endured with your mom. I am glad that you are strong enough to walk away, it is not easy, I know how you feel coz I have been through hell. When I got married and moved into my new apartment with my hubby and then 3year old son, my mom offered to give me some of her furniture and I said thank you, but I’ll manage. My husband couldn’t understand why I didn’t accept her ‘generous offer’. I told my husband that was just her way of getting control, that she will soon use it to get something from me. You think they’ll eventually relies they are wrong, but that day never comes with narcs. I am very proud of you for defending yourself. Stay strong and do not allow her to manipulate you back into her routine. Good luck😊
I have never felt so validated and seen for what I go through
My narcissistic mother refused to acknowledge her mortality at the end of life.
Yes, she got worse with time. The less control, the more vicious. It was very sad to witness her decline.
Thank you Dr. Ramani. I am 78 and I live a disability. Aside from the usual age-related infirmities, I suffered a viral infection in my brain 8 years ago. It has destroyed my balance and affected my speech a little. I fall frequently, broken arm, rotator cuff injury etc.
My narcissistic 87 year old spouse has never acknowledged that this happened and has been just as demanding and critical as before. When I had excruciating pain after a knee replacement, he had no sympathy, told me, you wanted it, you live with it. I signed myself out of the hospital 18 hours after the surgery in order to look after everything at home. After 45 years of his angry outbursts, I was so conditioned to keep peace at any cost. He is now starting to show signs of dementia and I dread what lies ahead for me. I worked with ww2 veterans for 13 years, many of whom had dementia and I am no stranger to this disease. One of my guys was 89 and was the sweetest man ever, even apologizing when he couldn't remember things. The other man was 92 and the polar opposite, angry,demanding and ungrateful. I think I know which way my narc will be and I dread it. The silver lining to this is that I found your channel and the wonderful advice and information I get from you and your other readers. I no longer feel so alone, I know that there are many others out there, just like me. They know, they understand. No lengthy explanation required. No being looked at skeptically. I have been able retrieve something from deep down inside of me that I thought was gone forever.
I have found a quiet resolve to take back some of what was taken away from me over the years. Nothing major has occurred but somehow I think he senses a shift, I am no longer cowed by his outbursts as before. I no longer scurry off to "fix" things. I still try to keep peace in the house and work around not setting him off, but my frenzy to please at all costs, has been replaced by quiet determination to be treated more fairly. The road ahead won't be easy but you have given me the strength to face it. I'm back, thanks in no small part, to you.
God's Peace to you - you deserve it!
Your words nade me cry. .
😢 so many years stollen from us.Im 47 and nearly half the century Im doing nothing but traying to recover from my fathers abuse.It was bruttaly fizical , emotional and pshyhological..now he's (only)82 and 2cancers and dementia with agressive paranoia wanted to move in with me.I refused for all the costs , 2weeks ago I decided I cant tolerate it any more ,and went no contact/grey rock.I still feels guilt ,shame and judgment from others .
I still miss myself. I wonder who would we be if we didn't had to endure this. I wish to give you a bih hug and tell hold on 🙏💪🤗
Thank you for sharing your comment and life experience. 🙏 it helps so much ❤
I have been no contact with my narc mother since 2013. She lives in a retirement home / assisted living place. They can take care of her. I will not.
“They often do live a lot longer than the rest of us.” That made me laugh as I just said that about my parents….. Thank you so much for this video. Wow! I don’t feel as alone after watching it! I truly was laughing out loud (as in “oh! Yes!) because of the relief!
This situation came up with my narcissist mother. My narcissistic sister has lived with or across from my mom and dad for 50 years but when my dad died and mom started smashing her windows out with her hammer (dementia & NPD), she demanded that I sell my house and move in with mom to take care of mom and my sister?! I live
TWO STATES AWAY, she lives across the street. She tried to shame me, guilt me, gaslight me, then tried the silent treatment. I said "NO".
During my dad's funeral, I had suggested putting Mom in Elder care. My sister said no and went into a narcissistic rage.
When she became sick, she signed paperwork to have Mom put an elder care and became angry with me when I was asking questions about the facility.
I asked her, "What did you think would happen when one of our parents died? You lived with them till you were 38 years old and then across the street from them. Who did you think was going to take care of them?".
She literally told me that she thought "Mom would die first and her and dad would live happily ever after".
My dad was a very kind, codependent man who was being physically abused by my mom and taking advantage of by my sister. I didn't even find out that until after he had passed away. Thankfully I made it away from that narcissistic trap.
I was the scapegoat growing up but no more.
The pure insanity that goes on in the mind of a narcissist. They can turn anything around on you. And there's no seeing logic.
I pushed myself so hard for my ex husband to the point I got Fibromyalgia. I was never allowed to get myself needed health care. I was always in charge of the care of the kids, home, pets, laundry, groceries, etc. I did everything and gave my whole body and soul to be treated like crap and betrayed and told all my energy was for nothing. . . . . .
In short, I want to say it again ' Old age is not a shield' and ' Blood relation can mean nothing when it comes to narcs' Please leave the narcs asap when you can, don't feel guilty!
And still you rise! (Love that poem.)
Best advice ever, it's all a big secret until we're here! -"But it's your mother! - "Yes but me thinks she's still strong enough to kill me" I replied to her GP's secretary, she then gave me social services number and I called the secretary months later to once mire thank her for doing so!
But it's far easier said than done.
It's not possible to give care to an elderly narc. I know - I'm going through it right now. The only escape is either leave or wait till he's dead. It's a one way system with any narc - theirs only. I now tell people to run and don't look back.
We won't tell the cops you poisoned him. We all understand.
@@solidstate9451 Narc survivors all get this! Regular people are horrified..... :)
@@solidstate9451 lol! I plead the 5th!
If they left me with the care of my NPD mother who had dementia and she was choking on her food I would have casually not noticed as I left the room.😏
If only there was a date of when 💀
I watch this to remind myself growing up as a scapegoated and parentified caregiver, why i should never break NC with my mother.
Thank you a lot. How relieving❤
My mother told me my whole life she didn't want children, and here I am taking care of this awful person
me too
"I should have never had children" , "my mom told me to never have children" , or "your father asked me to stop having children." I wish I had a dime for everytime my mother made one of these statements!
"I could have done something with my life but Oh well, I had you." I heard that every time we got in the car.
They are in a community for 55+. The lawns and driveways (and snow) are done by the community. When they need it, there are nurses and/or caregivers who can care for them there.
Does that not make you even more sad for the children who have narcissistic parents without money?
I became the caregiver to my 86 year old "life partner" of 15 years when he got lung cancer after a lifetime of smoking. He was very cranky, took out his frustrations on me, so I told the Hospice Nurse about it, and she gave me some Cymbalta, an SRI antidepressant, to give to him. This made all the difference. I made sure to get him to take one every day, I told him it was for pain, and things got a lot better. He slept better, and stopped yelling and baiting everyone. It saved my sanity.
I was the goldenchild and fixer, and now I'm going to be the scapegoat when I move away. My brother is a narcissist too
Look after urself coz narcissists now each other and I hope u r safe coz it's not safe to be with them
@@shamsotaxadar7824 it sure isn't safe
The narc in my life told me recently that she only had me to take care of her in her old age (I’ll be 70 next year) and expects me to leave my disabled partner, whom I’ve been married to for 30 years, and move back across country to take care of her. I could no longer take the long distance abuse and have gone no contact, after the physical abuse, neglect and lack of empathy she has doled out since I was a child. I am currently working with a therapisr who helped me realize that there is nothing “wrong” with me and that my missing sense of self came from being her idea of who I should be….the extension of her. She damaged me long ago and now, at this stage of my life, it’s time to work on me.
I’ve been supporting my Father for nine months now. When the situation first presented itself I thought the support was only going to be financially. I adjusted my life and sacrificed my cherished autonomy to take him in because I thought, “yeah, this is a great opportunity for my dad to retire and take care of himself!” That was not the case. His behavior extends to flat out disrespect of the way I choose to keep my house and everyday is a battle for the living space I work hard to pay for. I feel like a child once again. Unable to defend myself against my father’s entitlement to do what he wants, whenever he wants. I find myself being torn between hoping there is still a chance to salvage our relationship and radically accepting that my father has NEVER been capable of caring for himself and hoping the end comes swiftly and mercifully. Best wishes to all those who find themselves in this battle. Stay strong, stay patient and stay kind. Thank you Dr. Ramani for producing this content! It is a light in the dark abyss I walk into every day.
There is no relationship to be salvaged. It took me a long time to finally get that. There was never a relationship at all and there never will be. There is nothing I can do, so, I moved far, far away and chose my health and sanity and went no contact.
Stay strong!😃
Wowww, my jaw is just on the floor realizing you’re talking about something that looks a lot like my situation and family. I felt like NO ONE understands what I am going though and doing here. But you described it all perfectly and so I must not be the only one. And even just knowing that makes me sad, but also feel less like I’m some abscess in the world living this existence alone. Thank you for all your education and bringing awareness. I feel so validated, informed and empowered. 🙏🕊✨
You are not alone my friend! People won't understand.
Totally true. Wish I had known this before I gave myself over and was totally devalued and not paid for a year and a half of full-time work when I put my life on hold and failed to start a business. My narcissist said I was stealing from them when I asked for a meager wage for only a fraction of the work I did. Instead, they would call me names and say horrible things about me, devalue me, call me worthless, say I was stupid, and cuss me out for two hours while in the same breath would asked me to send gift money to our other family members when those family members had not even visited, let alone done any work. Totally, totally thankless and life-sucking job. I wish I had never done it.
Omg! TU for this topic. I have been my mother's caregiver all my life! My dad was abusive and I tried to support her as young as 5! Then diagnosed with cancer when I was 20. I am 50 now and spent the last year and a half calling ambulance monthly. And yes, I have become ill (already dealing with CPTSD, depression? anxiety). Now having investigations done the last 3 months (inflammation? autoimmune?). She even called me to pick her up from hospital when I was getting ultrasound myself, despite me telling her she needed to call someone else. Denied that I told her I was having tests. Called me a liar basically. Went no contact then (2 months ago). So grateful to have all this explained and validated! Bless you Dr. R. I feel so much less "crazy" .... its NOT my fault. Xo
I cannot even imagine, this video showed up on my UA-cam stream on such a right time!
Give God Glory 🥰‼️
This is an excellent video for the scapegoat who gets sucked into or guilt-tripped into caring for a narc parent. Make no mistake-there will be no appreciation or apology from the narc. They will expect you to to do this and then they will criticize your efforts. The caregiving will suck you dry emotionally and financially. And the enabling siblings (if there are any) will make themselves scarce until it is time for the estate to be disbursed. And finally, the scapegoat can count on being excluded from the estate- to add insult to injury. Seen this too many times.
I've been taking care of my mom since I was 9 and I am 25 now. I don't know what to do. I can't escape. There's no way out. I don't have anybody and I'm totally wraprpd around her finger. I want to die just to get away from them forever. I have my own mental health issues. I am absolutely incapable of taking care of her but I'm all shes got. I forfeited relationships, jobs, aspirations and hobbies to take care of her. She doesn't see a single thing wrong with herself. She told me point blank I'm supposed to take care of her until I die. But if I keep taking care of her, IM going to die!!!!!!!
Wjat happemed how did u solve😢
Leave.
Interesting topic but as someone who is disabled and have had Narcissistic caregivers I am curious about hearing that as well.
Yes a topic that is often overlooked. A narcissist is not a care taker. Ever. The person with the disability is providing narcissistic supply\fuel. This will take away mutch of the energy you have to spare. Advoid this situation if at all possible. I have seen this in a number of different situations. Take care of yourself.
Peace and Love.
Wow... god bless you. Take care ❤️
I am disabled and lived with a narcisstic partner for 10 years, what eventually made me fall apart was me being less and less independent because I had to care for his needs/narc supply and dealing with his rage every time I mentioned certain topic close to me. One of those thing was keeping a clean house. He found it unnecessary and refused doing it nor get a house cleaner. All the house cleaning I was able to do were harder and harder to implement because of this, and that f***ed with my health. The sad thing is that he told everybody he knew how a disabled person should be treated..
@@newwavenancy ikr? I hope our commenter Mythic here is in a good circumstances now so we can hear some creepy nurse stories, and how to roll out of them!
Pebblebrook Books - Lotsa creepy nurse stories out there; which I cannot share because it was 4 decades ago when I was a deer in the headlights for all I observed. Loathed the “profession” but HAD to go into it or be “DISOWNED” which may seem laughable now, but when you’re an empathetic teen with a N-Mom who also uses suicide threats as a means of control... 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️ Then add a N-Dad who sexually abuses... 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ WHAT THE “F” did I do to deserve this?
My role as a caregiver is truthfully to avoid guilt, shame, and criticism. In early March I PLEADED with my narc mom to prepare, stock up and sign up for meal delivery service as the pandemic was creeping in. "I don't eat frozen food", "I'll be fine" (invincible!). Weeks later she called panicked (w/only 2 days worth of food left living in a super hotspot). It's probably the first time she's called me in about 10 years (I call monthly). I live 4 hours away and spent DAYS trying to find a short term solution so she wouldn't go hungry until the meals arrived (I paid for the service for 3 months) and set up family zoom calls. I gave her advance notice the service was about to come to a close as it was safe for her to food shop in early June. I received a one line email thank you with future faking "I will make it up to you somehow". I haven't heard from her since. It is never reciprocal, the gratitude is very minimal, sometimes absent and it is always, always draining. For many years I have been bailing my mom out of situations where she made foolish choices. In every single case, her magical thinking and lack of consideration created danger, confusion, urgency with the sole focus on her. I'm trying to be compassionate yet cling to the philosophy "Poor planning on your part doesn't necessitate an emergency on mine". It is very difficult tightrope to walk on and I'm worried what's coming my way this winter.
so true - Golden children are never saddled w this.
Been there. At long last, I finally refused. I refused to destroy my own life and lift the burden for
siblings who had been dumping the responsibility for years. Amazingly, they were finally put in the
position to have to step up for a change. It was one hell of a fight. And they are royally ticked off.
TOUGH !
I was the scapegoat, turned caregiver. I had to give up my own destiny for a person who really never had concerns about my own best interests, in regards to how I wanted to live my life. I've always like a prisoner and a indentured servant for my family.
forgive, but do not excuse their behavior. Hopefully you have a positive support system around you to detox.
says me, who wants to get out due to the problems described in this video, lol
No, no friends or family here.³
@@toniabeyta4007 I think it might be worse when those people *are* around and they're still enabling the narcissistic parent whenever they can
It was BRUTAL. I left and went no contact after 5 months and told him to figure it out. He has the resources. I don’t care if I get nothing in the will now (he has always used money as a weapon) and my GC brother living across the land gets whatever mess of his millions is left over. My soul cannot be bought. Goodbye 👋.
Also - Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this video. It painted this experience out beautifully.
I think total trust in any relationship is overpriced as i ended up hating myself for ever believing my ex-husband. When my ex-husband started getting home late, I would ask and he'd say something came up at work. When i couldn't take any more of his lies, I decided it was time i get to know what was really going on. On the recommendation of a friend, I contacted this great ethical hacker (cyberhackingsage@gmail) who cloned his cellphone without physically touching the device and as a result, I was able to access his social media accounts, GPS Location, iMessage, call logs and text messages (both recent and deleted) through a remote decryption link sent to me. I discovered he is a liar who is having a secret affair with his secretary and that he has been using money from our joint account to finance the affair. Thanks to cyberhackingsage, I was able to file for divorce with lots of evidence against him. If you're ever in doubt or you need that extra bit of closure, I recommend you send a mail to cyberhackingsage@gmail or text and WhatsApp them at +15713758467.......................I hope you find peace of mind just like me after I discovered the truth.
I work in geriatric care. Narcissistic elders are sooooo difficult!!!
I can only underline dr Ramani, that caregiving for a narcissist is like being soaked down the flush in a spiral: you just look around and ask yourself "how did I get here? I only wanted to help, now I'm the one to blame?" I had to make hard decisions: helping my own mother with a dementia stage where she can not take care of herself or raise my three children in a healthy environment? Not easy! I've chosen the latter and I wish I would have done this years ago!
@BarbaraPetz-Kobacs… I have often used the toilet bowl analogy to describe the narcissists in my family…they didn’t care if swirled in the bowl with them and wanted me to actually by trying to Hoover me in. Left and never looked back!
I have a friend who cared for a narc, she died from it.
I nearly died from being married to a narc. No more narcs allowed here.
Oh my god, that's terrible! Was it the mental exhaustion that killed her?
Hi Shy Wolf, yes it was. She had been caregiver to Narc for several years then her beloved dog got a long term illness. Between the two exhausting responsibilities it drained her both physically and emotionally. Then her dog died and another narc moved into the home who instead of helping became a huge problem that needed a lot of care. So after a couple years of carrying double responsibility and narc abuse caregiver passed away at 60 years of age. 🌺 It was very very sad. Narcs seem to always slide along at minimum , shirking off what they do not benefit from. Just crusin along in comfort. Using others and making victims. Best wishes to You!🌹
@@carolbell8008 I'm very sorry to hear that. Reading your message scares me because I have been a caregiver to my parents for a very long time. I'm 23 years old. I don't want to die from heart disease or exhaustion. That's a very scary thing. 😭😭😭
Hi Shy. Wolf, wow! that is a big load to carry. I hope they appreciate you! God bless you! 🌹 I hope that they are not narcs.
This is exactly what I needed to hear - thank you so much 🙏
I had my borderline narcissistic mother in my care for a few weeks and I became so sick … I literally returned her to condemned home and told the social worker I want nothing more to do with her - her delusional demise is her own to suffer.
I helped my narcissist husband during pancreatic cancer and stroke. He did get more angry towards me, which was painful. But I did what I needed to do. And the stroke affected his speech center, so he couldn't punish me with words.
I made sure that friends and family were there every day. I let him hold court, and by not being able to speak, he finally fit in, and people were comfortable around him.
He prepared me for his loss, staying away from home except to sleep.
Thank you, I'm dealing with a malignant adult child and my life is better since I started watching your videos. I have learned to grey rock him, it has helped my attitude and mental health .
Dr. Ramani, once again you nailed it. Your description of the adult child caring for the narcissistic parent with narcissistic siblings - spot on. The "fixer" and the "scapegoat," two of the names I've personally used to define my family role - oh, and "black sheep." Thank you for your work; it is one of my primary buoys in my recovery of narcissistic abuse - mine, 55 years, but I'm only 58. There is life after awakening.
Bizarrely I seen many times the caregiver turns into a minor narc themselves understandably the toxicity is sometimes passed on
My sister did not become a narcissist, but she learned and adopted one of our mother's most insidious characteristics: pathological lying. No malice is ever intended as with our mother, but rather just lying for the sake of lying.
John, I've had to take personal inventory of my own behaviours. Learning what mechanisms I have also adapted and used. . I do care about my appearance, but I'm not better than anyone else. Í do run a business, as a business woman, but often self check my motives. Ím cautious not to be mini narc, as i pulled myself out of social media trap.... It's not about me.... I just wanted to share and find friends. Sadly, I want to isolate and insulate, since I'm too sensitive for cross
Taking care of my mother, who's not a kind and loving person, I sometimes feel like a demon. Yes, like pure evil. But you know, there's no other way to be in interaction with her than feeling some of the bad feelings that goes along with narcissism. As long as I can distance myself and try to see it from the outside it's okay. It's part of compassion both with her and with myself. And as long as I can feel there's no need to act out in a bad way. Which I of course also do sometimes. Then I have to catch myself, apologize (if needed) and take a break (if possible). It's hard work on the inside. Every day. That's the truth.
The more I can make conscious decisions about my situation, the better I feel. This is my life.
The hardest most challenging thing for me is to be kind to myself. Not acting out rage and shame towards myself. Choosing happiness and joy no matter what is in the air.
@@tarantiae you put it so well. I do step back too.... But I don't get much time to self
@@tarantiae Agreed! I wish I could be the loving, caring caregiver, the devoted wife like in the movies... But my husband is so mean, en demanding... It's never enough, fast enough and if I am taking a minute to myself or for the kids, I am not giving him "ANY" time...
@7:08 letting go of the hope that this person in their final years will become kinder, gentler or more caring is very important. Thanks for pointing this out.
you can not make it right! the more you try, the more they try to put you down. Emotional abuse is on daily bases. Our aunt takes the things we are proud of and puts them down. awful
EXACTLY 👍
susi sonnenschein : My aunt (my late moms sister) and my father share an apartment, and carers. She is an absolute nightmare , thinks she 'owns' my father, who has dementia. She controls his money, what he eats, where he goes ( he only goes anywhere with me). Thank God for the carers... I would have been jailed for homicide years ago.
Melany Todd yes, i can relate to that😏... i could write a book of my aunts nasty and evil comments, things a healthy person wouldnt even think of saying out loud. its just so sad a person can be like that. No empathy for others, but she is entitled of everything.She is not interested in anything or anyone but herself. Threats, accusations, insults everytime. She definitely doesn’t have dementia. My brothers gets physically sick, my sister is an enabler of her and i am prone to panic attacks that got a lot worse. I decided not to take care of her no more, and give my brother all the emotional support he needs , telling him constantly that it is not his fault she is like this. She is destroying our family by trying to divide us. Dont know what to do no more. To you all my best wishes and to anyone that experiences a nightmare like this.
It is soooo exhausting!! EXHAUSTING!!!!
I’ve looked after my mother my whole life. When my father died, we sold our home, bought a bigger home to move our family (two children still at home) and for my Mum. It was the wrong thing to do. she lived with us for 15 years. My health went downhill big time from there. I had no privacy and it was pure hell on earth every day even more so than when she didnt’ live with us. She’s now in a LTC facility and is still ruling as the Queen of the Narcs through daily phone calls of guilt. And when I visit her. The only time I feel well is when I go on vaca and cannot even use my phone and she has no contact with us.
The worst caregiving situation I've ever experienced is dealing with my narcissistic husband with stage 4 cancer. I dealt with his rage, threats, ploys for sympathy , insecurities, triangulation, and entitlement. At this point, I'm trying to carve out a life for myself that infuriates him. Now he attempts to be nice and loving yet will become angry when I don't reciprocate. He's well aware that the marriage is a sham and that my goal is to be cordial and to assist him.
I came here to say something very similar. Narcissistic husband with cancer, and he has raged at me, threatened me, and all of the above. I'm so sorry you're going through this as well. It's hard for anyone not dealing with this to understand that you don't always feel like you can just walk off and leave this human with cancer...but you also can't let them treat you horribly and destroy your own health.
I am going through this right now. I am the only child and take care of my bio dad and my stepmom. I am so emotional drained. I drive round trip 2 hours a day, to take care both of them. Your videos are helping with dealing with both of them.
I am struggling so badly with this. My blood pressure is high too. I’m caring for my elderly DIVORCED parents while all of us live together! You know my life. It’s so hard.
Lol wait till they remarry each other again and throw ypu all for a loop. Happened to me. Married parents for 10 Yeats and then had me, then they divorce and remarry each other when I was 30. Sickos
Thankyou so much for this video, I've realised this is exactly where I've landed. Very frustrating, trying and draining situation.The behaviour as they get older just keeps getting worse as time goes by. Respite from their behaviour is a must 100% to remain sane regardless of their manipulations.
#DoctorRamani I hope this is the right place to put this video. My Dad was the narcissist and mum took on his traits. I was the scapegoat but they were abusive to us all as kids. I am the only one with VLC, Dad is now deceased. My 4 older siblings decided to deny the abuse once they left, one brother warned my Dad if he hit his kids he would never see them again. My parents treated my four siblings with respect once they left home and some had kids, they were excellent grandparents, however they were the same with me, talking down to me, etc. I am miles away but there is no scapegoat in our family now. I thought they chose another scapegoat, all of my nephews and nieces love my parents so how come they didnt choose a replacement scapegoat? Dad might have scapegoated mum, but now he is dead, mum isn't scapegoating anyone. I spoke to her 4 years ago and she raised her voice to me, like the old days, but there is no substitute scapegoat why?
I think it's because they are bullies themselves.... My Mum is scared of the "golden child" AKA my sister
Thank you. The stress is taking a massive toll on my mental and physical health. My mom had major stroke and it’s stressful because whatever I do or say can set her off and we are scared she’ll have another stroke.
I hit bottom and am resting this weekend.
🙏❤️The caregiver can’t take much more either. It’s like my therapist said, we should be the heroes for all we are bending over backwards to do but we are the scapegoats We need prayers please. I’m so sorry if anyone else reading this is going through the same thing. It sure makes you feel crazy and causes awful pain.
I took care of my narc husband while he had cancer, for a couple of years before he went into residential care, but then I had to be the RP, the gopher for things they didn't provide, and ultimately, the person who made the funeral arrangements. Never one thank you. Not one "I'm glad you're here." My service, including bathroom assistance, was EXPECTED by him--and never good enough. (Never mind that he left me hanging when I had a serious injury and once when I had a hip replaced.) The demands were for a CERTAIN brand of orange soda, a CERTAIN type of candy, nothing else would do, to update his Facebook when he could no longer see, to read the cards (and thank the senders--not his idea), and also disperse certain of his property to family and friends. OH! and to let his girlfriend know this and that. Never ONCE did he make mention or express worry of what was going to happen to me after he died. Four years later, I have my own home, and I'm better than I've ever been.
I am laughing as i am listening to you it is almost as though you are a fortuneteller word for word you hit the nail and How i wish i knew this 3 or 4 years ago it would have spared me so much agony depression and feeling like i didn't do enough and it could have saved me a whole lot of money too, you nailed every aspect of the Narcisitic parent and Narcisitic siblings there is no death bed confession you are 190% correct about everything. I am beginning to understand that though we are all unique as individuals or asteticly , Our different personalities are carbon copies of whatever group you fall under and this actually predicts your future and what you should be prepared for... thanks for the good work DR RAMANI, GOD BLESS!
Dr.Ramani ....I just love your videos ...you have included so many aspects of living with this abuse ...many a times I feel "ohh yes! This happens! I can relate to it !" ...I can only say thank you ...(yesterday my narcissistic husband was deriding me and calling me all sorts of things...I thought isn't HE the one who is like this instead of me ...then it occured ..yes this is Projection !)
My goodness this describes my experience with my father and my family. Now that two months have passed, I regret trying to help because it reinforced the lack of love or interest he had in me. Insulted me even as his kidneys failed and he couldn’t even lift his head. I ended up pushed aside when he died as my narcissistic sister in law stepped up to wear the crown of dutiful daughter in law. No regard for my need to have closure from a lifetime of cruelty.
I’m happy to say that I am flourishing now that I am out from under the verbal abuse of my father. I feel free for the first time in my life. Use these videos to help yourself. Great deal of information here.
Thank you Dr. Ramani. With each video so many light bulbs go off in my head! Also the empowerment I gain is truly helpful. I'm really glad to have found your UA-cam page.
Narcs are a black hole that can never be filled. Be kind to yourself and go no contact ❤
Wow I needed to learn about this. I am 28 🇧🇷 in SoCal and became a caregiver for both my narcissistic parents before the age of 18. I don't get Thank Yous, my narc brother has an entitlement to not help but make things worse and put his kids on me to care for ( I put a boundary down now).
Wow. I have struggled so much with missing out on childhood, development, social life, work experience outside of them, and honestly not being abused on a daily for all my life. I can't believe how much this helped validate the insanity I feel I go through with the type of family I was born into.
Dr.Ramani you've changed my life.
I wish I could meet you one day because no one and even theraoists don't understand how psychologically and emotionally taxing this has been for me. No one around me has similar situations so I often doubt. On my profile I made videos if you care to watch them Dr.Ramani to get a closer understanding of these unique circumstances. Not to mention my parents are really elderly. My dad is 83 (had me at 54 years old) with Parkinsons and Dementia. My mom is 68 with MS. ...and being brazilian too... wow what a life I've had so far. I feel your videos help me untangle the mind warp I'm enmeshed and bonded to.
Just leave now while you are young. Please
Great video Dr Ramani I’m caregiving now for my N father. It has had a tremendous effect on my life. I have 4 other siblings and none of them even visit unless they think I’m doing something wrong then I’m condemned and falsely accused of all kinds of things, including abuse. This is indeed everything you said it is in this video. Great advice, I think it’s time to take care of me. Where to start?
Thank u so much Dr. Ramani !! This video is golden. I'm not crazy and I'm not the problem as I feel others think I must be !! My narcissistic Mom now with dementia is practically impossible ! My emotions are off the chain and I know this is not good for my health . I don't need another heart attack . And yes I do see my therapist next week and participating in very helpful life coaching which was a very good investment for me . I am so conditioned NOT to practice self love and self care , a lot of this from the narcisstic abuse I have endured form my Mom the past 55 years !! , and she her Mom as well. And they both had and have dementia now . I do believe a huge risk for dementia . You get what I try so hard to explain to others that they just can't ever get or understand . And yes I still love my Mom , I am way too compassionate !! The line between is it the narcissism or is it dementia is so hard to decipher ! The MC facility I had to place her in three weeks ago only sees the dementia side , and not the complexity of the also existing strong narcisstic personality traits. My Mom is transitioning well , actually happy and smiling which she hasn't in 3 years - yet she tells me the opposite and us very mean to only me . She plays me, she's a master of manipulation ..Boy do I know that ! She tells me she wishes I was never born and I've been a disappointment to her all my life . Wow Mom. She tells me I have dumped her in a sh_thole and I'm using all her money . ( Nope Mom I got u out of the real sh_thole three weeks ago, and yes we live paycheck to paycheck,so I am indeed using ur funds but ONLY for ur very needed care - of course I cannot share that thought with my Mom ) She thinks she's fine living alone in her paid off home. I'm a retired PA-C ,she's not . Safety is now a very real issue . Proof - She fell down her steep basement stairs in early July ( apparently as she tried to later explain to me she was taking trash to her post office to have it recycled ,and she's was going to drive there . Her PCP told her just this past May it was OK for her to drive short distances !! I so disagreed with that advice ,Mom loved it of course to validate her belief she was " fine" ) had to have partial hip replacement from her osteoporosis and resulting hip fracture . Then rehab in a lovely / (NOT!!) SNF that was severely understaffed and not too great at dealing with dementia patients . Bet u know who sat with her hours in that stinky ,roach infested place and helped her with her needs ,wiped her bottom ,and watched her lay in her own wastes for hours , even covering her post-op hip incision. A UTI or infection just waiting to happen . Changed her myself and quickly learned CNA skills. And heck yes I fought and got her out of there as soon as I could to a very nice cadillac Memory Care facility . She's just too difficult and far advanced for plain Assisted Living now . I've been trying for years to get her to live into retirement community ,but refused holding money over my head she didn't want to spend because she was doing darn fine living alone in her home . ) I don't expect gratitude , I dont expect any inheritance, I do this out of love and respect and well she's my Mom . My Dad asked me to take care of her before he passed in 2016 .I take that seriously because he was my personal Superman who protected me from Mom's wrath until he passed . But too he was not perfect and truth be told he did enable her for 51 years . But w/o him to model pretty normal behavior and love to me , how would I of turned out ? The little girl in me still hopes for some type of Mom - Daughter relationship . I've got to let my little girl know thats just not reality little one ,and we wouldn't know what it was anyway because we have never experienced love from her - our Mom . My emotions are spinning and all over the place . Triggers and childhood memories running amuck . I am desperately seeking support resources for myself !! And I definitely don't want to be like my Mom and potentially ever put our two now young adult kids thru this insanity and chaos and HURT !! They don't even want to see or visit their MawMaw . They both see how much she hurts me ,and they don't like that too much . I don't visit much either ,facility has actually recommended I don't ,(Wow) ,and I don't need her abuse right now either anyway . I can't handle it . Facility tells me not to take things personally she says to me ,and I know that with dementia patients and I do have much grace and space for her true dementia , BUT they are clueless of the presence and complexity of the long term narcissistic abuse I've endured ,and my lifetime as my Mom's favorite scapegoat. To tell me not to take things she says personally isn't going to work too well for me .I ramble and this is a long comment ,but thank you, thank you ,thank you for sharing this info with me. I need to take care of me !! New SRK film coming out in September. Bollywood films make me so happy !! I have to have some positive outlet as I try to navigate this very difficult journey ,and I will always still love my Mom.and want only the best for her , despite how our lifelong relationship has been. She's awfully lucky I feel that way . I could just walk away and be done . Thank goodness she has the funds to allow her to get the care she needs . Wish I could ideally do it all for her , but I just can't or it could literally kill me .I see that so clearly now . 😂
My narc ex-husband was mean and nasty when he was ill. I couldn’t understand it. I could understand being a bit sad and miserable when sick, but being nasty and difficult, I couldn’t. I left him after 28 years, but only learnt about narcissism after I made my escape. I have had hundreds of ‘ah-ha’ moments since then, and this is another one! Thank you.
Just don’t do it. It is that simple. Especially if it’s a romantic relationship. Did they help you ? NEVER. run away.
If your parent is a secret narcissist, everybody around you won't accept it. He/she has been such a caring parent how can you be so ungrateful to not take care of her/him? You don't live alone on this planet and their flying monkeys are everywhere. Sometimes you have to do it, wheather it is fair or not.
I have spent 62 years trying to navigate these creeps. It's time for me to take care of myself these guys to go f*** themselves charity begins at home
And I do not feel bad. I know exactly what the last 62 years have felt like. I am finished. My younger brothers a narc who had a stroke because he still lives with nark mama at age almost 60. This is finally my life not theirs
Solid State i agree that’s why I added the caveat. Family matters are tricky. A boyfriend ? Get out stay out. I should have been more clear about the relationship type. However even with family - a good time to reinforce boundaries.
@@skdewolf7606 For gods sake: The ivisible child, now a narcissist herself, took care of my mother. I was the scapegoat and ran away. But oh my god, what an awful, ungrateful brat I was for not acknowledge that we had the best mother _ever_!
Took on a second job, got a new place, worked 90hrs/wk to take care of my mother. My siblings with homes and spare bedrooms "had too much going on" 🙄
So true that they don't plan for their own demise. (Footnote: I began to see six months ago how many of them poo-pooed COVID!)
Wow it hadn't occurred to me that many of the people who aren't taking the COVID-19 pandemic seriously may be behaving this way because of a personality disorder (like narcissism). Underrated comment here!
My Mother's favorite thing is to try to define me to myself. "Terri, this is just not like you...." We have never been of like mind and for her to tell me this, or to tell others who I am in front of me is really hard to take. " I know that you don't like this"...or " I know you've never liked....." when it is not true, has never been true and is against the exact thing that I just tried to communicate...Through this series of videos I'm learning not to respond to those words and it has gotten easier. Thank you.
Thank you for this video! I have been caregiving my husband who has a brain tumor, PTSD and TBI. He still works and to most appears normal and healthy. But when stress takes over, he is unable to function and misses day/s of work from extreme fatigue, dizziness, severe headaches, irritability and sometimes seizures and confusion. It's an emotional rollercoaster and exhausting on every level. Understanding his narcissism helps. Thank you again.
Care giving for a narcissist is like putting a knife into you repeatedly.You know they don't give a damn,you know they don't return it,you know they aren't grateful,you know this is just to keep them at peace yet caregiving is our caressing job with a fear that we might get replaced.
My wife and I are going through this now and your videos have helped us understand the situation SO much better! We’re right in the middle of it and have seen the “bad” behavior as narcissistic but had NO idea how much of it was that! Figuring it out as we go…
Thanks for the videos!
Complicated grief - so true, Dr Ramani ! Thank you for your gentle way of speaking the truth. ❤️
I'm the only child. Both Narc parents w dementia. Father refused to sign POAs or wills. So am trying to stay afloat of the bs they bringing upon themselves. Ugh!!
I am caregiving a narcisstic and that is why I came here, to take a sigh and brood alone.
My brother and sister have been trying to set it up for years that I will be my Mothers primary care giver, when the time comes. My sister has been making calls this year asking me if I understood that the care of an elderly falls on the daughter, that my brother and his wife have plans. She cannot help and will be flying to somewhere for the holidays and has plans for Paris. This is helpful truth being spoken here. Thank you!
I left my narc family. I´m in no contact. They dont need me - the scapegoat, they are now first time grandparents ignoring me for many months already. My sister acts like primadona, she has always wanted parents for herself, their golden child, always jealous of me, competing with me, trying to correct me (how I should behave, talk, even chew!) every time acting like she was my mother.... Ok, Im done, I left and the thought that once she will have to take care of two old toxic narcs makes me feel to have a little bit of revenge beforhand. :D Who has it the same way?
I’m also no contact. What is amazing is that month by month I keep feeling better. No way I’m EVER going back to that. I feel total relief that I’ve sidestepped looking after my narcissist mother in old age. Sure, someone else will get all the money, but who cares?! Happiness is worth it!
@@josephuk2609 YOu speak my mind. I decided that the money of my parents is not worth a miserable life with toxic people in it. Im out, my painful eczema is gone, just like that after 38 year. :O
Yes, it does hurt to know they dont care about me, never loved me and they will try to re-connect after long time when they will need something from me thinking that I will be super happy and pretending like they never neglected me. Like I did far too many times in past. Haha, not this time. Im out for good and from the whole family, so my mother cannot use her flying monkeys.
Funny thing my man reminded me yesterday. After weeks of no contact from my mother I called her to know if she is doing well, etc. and she said she was so happy I called because she was worried about me, if Im happy, etc. Yeah, I fell for her words feeling loved believing she cares about me... but this was like months ago. Now I know she does not. She could call me or even visit me personally anytime she was worried. She lives like 5 mins walking to me.
It was always me who called and cared about them, they used to ignore me for months... :-(
There were many situations when I called my mother (during a day) after long time no see and instead of being happy she yelled at me that I woke her up! Or picking up the call with words "what is going on?" "what do you want?" with vivid anger in her voice. Not even saying "hi or hello"
@@ChrisXTophe I am sorry to hear that. That must had been painful for you him just asking for money absolutely not interested in his grandchild. But you know that it is better for you daughter not to have such cold and toxic person in her life. Although you cannot fill the empty place with anything just accept it. :-(
My sister will never change till our mother lives. Once our mother is not here anymore, my sister will struggle a lot, lot, lot. She has her little son now but she had not cut the umbilical cord to her mother yet. And she is 35 already. She is mother´ s golden child and slave at the same time.
I told her if she wants to have me back in her life and good relationship she will need to step up and take responsibility for all the evil she had done to me or my mother done to me and she was helping her BEFORE our mother dies. Because after her death it would be only manipulation, cause she is lost in this world, she struggles in relationships (our mother convinced her that all people are evil and she cannot trust anyone, just our mother). But I changed my mind since I went NC. There is no coming back. She lost her chance. She had too many and she just laughed at me or rolled her eyes every single time... Im worthless for fer but I am worthy for me finally. Yay! And for my man. ;-)
Yes, I am in the same boat, except for the need for revenge. Although, I admit, I am still angry with my sister, but I'm working on that. Dr. Ramini did a video a while back on the narcissist's karma. Don't worry about revenge. Work on healing yourself and what comes to them, will come. In a way, it's a shame that we're no longer "on the team", because the family misses out on what we might have contributed. But that's OK. They can have it. I can't even imagine tangling with my narcissistic siblings over the care of my demanding father! It is what it is. Peace.
@@chocolate-eq6jn I know you are right. But the anger after all they did to me. You dont have even idea. My childhood was a torture, toxic place to live, things I pushed back deep in my mind no to feel the pain. It was like my father and my mother competed who will be worse to me. :-( These situations now are coming out to my active mind and I re-live all those bad memories to heal. I can heal than but now it is like the abuse was still ongoing with every new video by Dr. Ramani. :-( It hurts. I know I need to go through that again but this time with the knowledge what it was about actually. Not me, but them. They are toxic, they will never heal, become human beings. You cannot cut off the pain when it is so fresh. Im in NC since August 2020. So all those ugly words about my body, my character, my skills, my brain, my friends, ... it was them jealous because I showed my creativity since early childhood and I always had a lot of friends. So I was abused, sad to be not talented, said that my friends are fake, they dont like me, they just use me and my father even thought that I must have had slept with them because there was no other way they would like me (and he started to check my cycle every month, I was 16, a virgin and felt totally humiliated).
Doctor ya know how you want us to tell ya stuff .For the first time in my life I am happy .My main narc was my mother .have not let her back in my life for a year .you never think your own mother would hurt an embarrass you .But that been the cycle .I already messed up most of my life .I been single since 2006 .I haven't let any man in ither .reason I am attracted to the narcs .I am hoping that i will learn enough that will change .went to the doctor today i really said i was happy .really i cant believe it ..The last time i let my mother in i had to get dental work done .she asked me the name of the dentist. Me not thinking gave her the name .She called up there an sabotage it .dont know wtf she said dont want to know .I had to leave there an start from scratch .it was embarrassing. I had to apologize about her .I ended up crying .it takes a lot to cry .The last time I saw my mom she told me I was worthless .that was Feb 6 2020 . I am happy Doctor !
dr. ramani's videos are so educational and refreshing. They have really helped me a lot with toxic relationships with friends and family members. Giving me insight into situations i knew were wrong but was unable to comprehend how bad they actually were. Also i have learnt a lot about myself and different patterns i may have been drawn to. Its helped me realise the importance of making better decisions for myself and help me set up boundaries! super appreciative of these videos as well as the'yre also entertaining! Thanks Dr.Ramani!!
My father has absolutely ruined my life, with my partners, or anything I've ever tried to do in my life. He had always been indifferent to my pain, now, my entire life had been turned upside down, lost my partner, I lost my business, and I am gaining weight, and my looks are gone. I caught shingles and scarred my face. And it doesn't end. My birth mother is worse!!! I met her. I am triangulated
All because I wanted to help him. I moved 4 states, upheaved my life.
Toni Abeyta ...you might have a second chance w renewing some of your looks if you have 130/ mo to spend on Mermaid USA anti - aging tablets. Lots of good reviews on Amazon or it’s cheaper on the mermaid USA .com site. I have also considered trying Beverly Hills dermal renewing capsules @ 35-40 / mo. depending on how many containers you get. There are people who have success with this too. I may try it. There were some very good things taken off the market for some reason. It can be frustrating. Remember to not neglect your relationship with the Lord as you search for answers in your life here and after. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will satisfy the desires of your heart. There is hope.
...just re- read your comment and want to add there is also ‘derma rolling’ if scars are so bad too and it is also anti aging as the puncture wounds stimulates collagen renewal and scar healing. Many Yt vids to check out. I don’t remember reading amazon reviews mentioning scar healing for mermaid product. Your profile pic looks good( and you seem the right age before you are out of any range of non- surgical aesthetic help too), so you should be able to find help for the scarring you mention. Your weight gain may be stress- cortisol related. You need to learn how to de- stress. Read the word while you ‘earth’ your bare feet, etc. google other stress buster suggestions. Stress is hard to overcome in your situation...I need to work on forgiveness for my parent, hoping God will also here and there give me eyes to see the parent as i need to to get through my time w parent. I wish you the best here and eternally.
@@newwavenancy thank you so much for reaching back with answers and love!
Oh my god I feel u plz take break maybe go outside of the house be places where people are so many that he doesn't kill u and don't go one place everyday go different places be safe take care off ur self maybe leave and take break from home
I am currently a CNA taking care of an extremely narcissistic lady 😢she has almost made me cry several times but now I just put my poker face on 😊
Thank you so so so much, it's happening to me, right now.
❤️
To me too.
@@helenmm9979 my b heart to you too!!!
Me too. For a long time. In many ways, my entire life.
♥️
Tomorrow I’m supposed to move in to my mother’s after a stroke left her unable to be independent anymore last month. Every instinct in my body is telling me to cancel the movers and RUN. I don’t think I can actually survive being the caretaker after years of trauma caused by her actions. My heart rate has already jumped just typing this comment.
All you said is true dr. My daughter was the one who kept the glue that holds the family together, she selfishly did not complain and ended up in a shack with her boyfriend and now they are both gone. He had installed heated water by propane which gave off carbon monoxide poisoning and they died together. I imagine both of them commiserated being the glue that held the families together because Sarah never did once complain. And so we move forward. Sarah was highly educated as a dental assistant and an acute care nurse, somehow she had a superpower holding it all in. I had suggested in the spirit that Sarah was, to take the wood that where she lied in, to take that wood, and strap it to their cars or trucks, and go ahead and build tongue drums, because the beauty of music would heal many communities, yet nobody wants to hear from an older hearing-impaired woman who only is asking in the spirit of who Sarah was.to create something beautiful out of a horrible situation. I don't have a car to strap the wood on, somebody might. I don't have access to the tools, somebody might. Sarah Anne MacDermid was a beautiful person inside and out, except don't play Risk or monopoly with her, her competitive nature about winning a game would outlast you. Cheer Sarah you win she was only 31. Parents are not meant to outlive their children.
www.cbc.ca/news/canada/british-columbia/tulameen-sarah-macdermid-casey-bussiere-1.5679240?fbclid=IwAR3dmTRs7oQYlmFOqZUexbYPLVKHlu34SEO0qnyCnZZRzOhxgiVAoESsOCc
Resonates! I became a caregiver to my narcissist spouse. My 20-22 hour days were all about him and his care. He would not do anything I suggested (breathing, etc.) and instead wanted me to “fix it. He mistook my care for love and thought all was well. Ha. As he walked toward deaths door, I did what I could to help him get better...never enough. He played me and I knew it. What he actually did was make me aware of my strengths as I took over all the household responsibilities and aware of his weakness and neediness in expecting me to “kiss it and make it better”! I did lots of journaling which saved my sanity.
To this day, he assumes I saved him and that I must love him. To this day, I know that I did what I had to do and love had nothing to do with it. Now 18 months later, he’s walking and “helping” with a few tasks. Mostly, he’s taking advantage of his illness to do very little. I made it my choice to continue with the responsibilities as his dementia is progressing.
Your videos have shown me the many ways I’ve been narcissistically abused. I find I can now laugh at his attempts to control me with his criticisms for they only made me stronger by the way those put downs exposed his superficial life. He is alone in that life now. I’m a survivor in training.
I think total trust in any relationship is overpriced as i ended up hating myself for ever believing my ex-husband. When my ex-husband started getting home late, I would ask and he'd say something came up at work. When i couldn't take any more of his lies, I decided it was time i get to know what was really going on. On the recommendation of a friend, I contacted this great ethical hacker (cyberhackingsage@gmail) who cloned his cellphone without physically touching the device and as a result, I was able to access his social media accounts, GPS Location, iMessage, call logs and text messages (both recent and deleted) through a remote decryption link sent to me. I discovered he is a liar who is having a secret affair with his secretary and that he has been using money from our joint account to finance the affair. Thanks to cyberhackingsage, I was able to file for divorce with lots of evidence against him. If you're ever in doubt or you need that extra bit of closure, I recommend you send a mail to cyberhackingsage@gmail or text and WhatsApp them at +15713758467.......................I hope you find peace of mind just like me after I discovered the truth.
Found out my In laws are very ill. After letting their daughter for dead in the hospital. Luckily my wife survived, and now they are ill and keep asking for our help. After the 20 years if narcissistic abuse to my wife I. We decided to go no contact. I'm a caregiver for my wife, we are both the scapegoats and use us to take advantage of the us in the past.
Being a caregiver to a narc is IMPOSSIBLE . Physically, emotionally , psychologically . The "golden child" is living overseas. He does, however, pay for care, for which I am truly grateful. I would have been up for murder if he hadn't .
I was the scapegoat and fled, but the invisible child took care of our narcisstic mother whild the golden child didn't do carework. The invisible child now is a narcissist herself.
Solid State : that actually makes sense❣. The 'invisible one' is now getting her own needs met. Sadly, that's the only way she knows how to get her needs met.
Do NOT be her new scapegoat❣.
Thank you Dr Ramani. We are caring for a narcissistic father with dementia. I can see myself in these responses. Hang in there, remember self care ❤
Narc mom wrecked my marriage, turned family members against me I was labeled "the crazy one"
I was in a similar situation. My mom was actively trying to destroy my family after I got married, so my newlywed times are horrible memories. She also turned the rest of the family against me. But since I went low contact and then no contact, my own family has blossomed, and I have gotten peace. Not sure what I will do when my parents get older and will require help. I am their only child. Maybe I'll limit my involvement to financial help...
One more reason to get rid of the narcissist before the narcissist needs caregiving. Caregiving for the narcisist is only another form of narcissstic abuse. I used to know a raging narcissist: when she got older, all of her three children "disapeared" ... the smartest move for a narcissist would be to save a lots of money for the old days ... I'm sure they will need it ....
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this video!! I am the sole responsible person for my mother. I knew several years ago when her best friend called me about mom's memory issues that when it came down to it, mom could not live with me; she would wreck my marriage. Three years ago she was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's and a year later a neurologist added vascular dementia. My husband and I found a lovely memory care facility and helped mom move in. Naturally, she complained about everything and about me to whoever would listen. It is hard sometimes to tell how much of what she says is truly dementia/Alz or plain NPD. I can't say anything because no one would believe me that she's a narcissist. She's told her friends and all the caregivers that I am autistic/asperger's/PDD-NOS. I take care of all her bills and finances and, prior to COVID, took her to/from all her doctor appointments, as well as visited her weekly, bringing whatever items she needed/wanted. Your videos have helped me so much. I especially appreciate your encouragement by pointing out my "superpowers". I'm certain God is increasing my patience through the trials of dealing with my mother. There are definitely days where I want to give up. But I keep pressing on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call.
Former family caregiver here (my father had front-temporal dementia & no personality disorder or narcissism) just commenting to say "I believe you". For the dementia side of the picture I highly recommend Teepa Snow (she is great at figuring out how to handle the challenging behaviors of people living with dementia & yes she has experience of people who have dementia + a mental disorder). For the caregiving side of this, consider a dementia caregivers support group (online or in-person) Not sure if there are any listed on alz.org (Alzheimers) or stroke.org (vascular dementia) but you can start there.
@@SENone-wu5cd - thank you for your belief in me. I looked into support groups in my area and unfortunately they only meet during the day and I work a full-time job. I have read a multitude of articles on alz.org and many books, in addition to the videos. I still struggle, but feel that I'm slowly getting better at letting go.
@@serenityzander9277 I think an online support group would be your best option if you can find one, but if not remember you can call or email the relevant dementia advocacy organization if you think you're getting overwhelmed.