From early childhood, I never knew anything but hatred and contempt from my mother, as well as slapping, beatings, and mental cruelty. I took care of her in her old age. Sometimes I hear people express pity for "the poor old people abandoned in nursing homes whose kids never come to see them." And I wonder how many of them are reaping what they've sown.
Exactly.Most of the time there's a REASON why adult children go no-contact with elderly parents.Why would a normal person want to stay away from a parent that offers them unconditional love, emotional support, understanding,etc?In most cases it's because something is very wrong with the parent-child relationship &/or parents themselves.
My mother helped some even though my son took me most of the time when I had cancer. She constantly yelled and belittled me. I think she was upset when the Dr. said he got it all after the surgery and it didn't spread.
Yes it is reprehensible and very painful to discover as an adult of narcissistic parents why you were brought into this world and that you went your whole childhood without being loved and nurtured
I am 62 and I was caregiving for my 79 year old narcissist mother for the past six years, until I had a heart attack this summer. She told me into the 3rd week (after I had just run to the grocery store for her and taken out her garbage), "I have decided to give you a full six weeks off from doing anything for me to fully recover from your heart attack". I was flabberghasted and then really angry. By the time that I got home, I decided that I would no longer care for her in order to care for myself and not have another heart attack. I told her in a text ,that for six years I have been her Uber, grocery delivery person, Post woman, Garbage woman, package returner, etc. and that she was going to have to make other arrangemnets because from now on I was going to take care of myself and my heart(in more ways than one). Her reply? "Have a nice life."...I replied back, "Thank you-I will". It has been emotionally difficult because I feel guilt and shame some days, and in a weird way, miss her sometimes, because she wasn't always bad(although that was probably just her manipulating me), but anyways, my life has been much more peaceful and I am working on healing physically as well as emotionally.
It's mindblowing when you see who they really are. Glad you are taking care of yourself. A healthy parent would be happy to see their adult child do that.
Ah, this total resonated with me, I'm only 35 and realizing this is me too with both my parents. I've realized I've lived my life in service to them and their needs at the expense of not only myself, my career but most importantly my own kids and husband. I'm always the "fixer", the one that runs around to do "all their things", my dad collapsed one night (they live far away in the bundus), because he has lost weight and his blood pressure medication hadn't been adjusted and so he fainted. My mother phoned me screaming at the top of her lungs "find me a fucken house now, im not fucken dealing with this here" (they're rich). I dropped all my clients losing my income running around organizing house views for them- probably around 20 of them- "nothing was good enough". She does this type of thing to me at three times a year, and smaller versions every few weeks. My brother is off living his best life in the same town as me always on holiday, blowing his money with zero responsibility. I've got a family of 4 to look after and live pay check to pay check, but the responsibility and especially the "goving of time and effort" always falls on me. Anyway, we have since decided immigrate for the health and we'll being of my nuclear family.
I'm facing this reality soon. I've decided that when it happens, she will be in a retirement facility that she will pay for and get her care and not continue to use me as a slave. I will sometimes visit but not too often to protect myself from her emotional & verbal abuse and weird games but I can't bring her into my home and give up my life which is exactly what would happen.
It's such a relief to see someone else who knows this truth! Since my husband passed, I've come to look at it as an Honorable Discharge. And as my MS symptoms improve, I really perceive what danger I was in.
A couple of months ago, I agreed to take care of an elderly woman whose daughter told me she had "mild" dementia. Well, the beech was a full-blown narcissist -- and after a week of her abuse, I told her daughter that I was leaving; but I agreed to take care of her dad for a week until a replacement could be found. So I was taking the narc's husband for a walk, grocery-shopping, to the gym, etc., and the beech was incensed! So what did she do? She told everyone in her family -- including the home-health nurse -- that I was having an affair with her 84-year-old husband in order to get me to quit before the week was over. They aim below the belt, guys -- NEVER underestimate them. 🥊
Hahaha that's why they called it dementia. I mean 84 years old... Unless it was Keanu Reeves or Brad Pitt...well, let's just say she wouldn't make it in a court room 😆
My cousin told me first thing my mom says to the home health care agency is, "i would like her [the carer] to address me as "Mrs. Hashimoto"". God, this topic makes me want to be white!
@@pebblebrookbooks4852 Reminds me of the song "She blinded me with Science." (2:55) "Good Heavens, Miss Sakamoto -- you're beautiful!" 😄 ua-cam.com/video/V83JR2IoI8k/v-deo.html
I hope that you will learn more about the complex and conflicted realities for 'golden children', and the millions of different people this term represents. we can be deeply empathic, prone to narcissistic abuse (and abuse by the 'scapegoats') and can be the ones to bear the brunt of caregiving for the ailing narcissist (as has happened to me more than once). please be careful with your mass-generalizations - not helpful on a site where we are all trying to learn about these dynamics and hold 'safe space' for one another to find and express our own truths, and learn from one another.
@@devidaughter7782: Finally someone said it! I myself was, as a little boy, the "golden child", but my (eldest) brother, who was the "scapegoat", was - and still is - highly abusive and manipulative towards me. It was me, the "golden child", who saw my personal life fade away and become a codependent - not my "scapegoat" brother. It was me, the "golden child", who found myself in a position of caregiver for my narcissistic father, after my mother's death.
@@CarlosDelgado-br9qg yes, these 'roles' are much more nuanced and complicated than a simplistic cardboard template. in my experience, the 'golden child' bears the burden of the anger, resentment and even contempt of those who aren't put in this role, and can spend a lifetime trying to compensate for the 'privileged position' they were put into, and trying to prove their 'humility'. I think in a way that the child who is overtly rejected by the narc has it easier, because they can more easily get mad at the narc, and make this separation, whereas the golden child becomes (trauma) bonded to the narc, perhaps for decades or even a lifetime!
@@devidaughter7782: Exactly! It's like the old methaphor of the frog and the boiling water. If a frog is put suddenly into boiling water, it will jump out; but if the frog is put in tepid water, which is then brought to a boil slowly, it will not perceive the danger and will be cooked to death.
@@devidaughter7782 I don’t mean to invalidate but until you’ve been in the role of family scapegoat you will never know how deadly it often is. Scapegoats lives are usually fully destroyed and they commit suicide more than the others. They live in psychiatric institutions most often too, especially if both parents are narcissistic.
My mother is getting to this point and she is aggressively trying to move in with me. She is trying her best to avoid having to move in with my golden child sister, who is also a narcissist. Mother knows she will not be treated well there, nor will she be able to extract supply from my sister who is a narc on steroids!! She is mean, selfish and completely apathetic. I refuse to take on this responsibility even if it means I am cut out of the will. I would rather have, peace, health, and happiness over an inheritance that I may not get anyway!! Let the narcs take care of each other. I choose peace.
Good on you!! And congrats on cutting the chord. I have only one mantra that I have taught myself to repeat every time I have a moment of weakness, feel nostalgic, get selective memory loss or generally feel warm n fuzzy and that mantra is “No mercy”. I keep repeating “no mercy” till that feeling passes away and I am back to reality. 😀😂
@@evaluna8100 Thank you for the encouragement. I can't do it! I can't sacrifice my life and sanity for someone who suck the life out of me and leave me shriveled up like a dry raisin! And for what? To fulfill their insatiable need for supply? After the narcissist essentially destroys you, they will nonchalantly move on to find new supply... I mean since your dead and all. They gotta keep it moving. Sounds harsh & unbelievable to those who do not understand the disorder, but it is a REAL thing! We all wish it wasn't. Sigh. Just say no to narcs! I'm done with my rant. 🙊
Just wanted to say that it was only when I became a caregiver - and was tearing my hair out with her behaviour - that I Googled "Habitual lying" and stumbled on the whole description of Narcissism. Literally, I cried with relief when I realised the problem wasn't my failure to cope with her....
I still vividly remember the 💡 moment when I happened to look up "mean behavior" on Google 6+ years ago & first 👀 the DSM criteria for NPD pop up in the results,it completely shifted my entire perspective🥲.It was a perfect match for my narc father & explained everything so clearly...The turmoil & tears in my childhood finally made sense.I'll always be so grateful for the mental health field folks on here that are making this info readily available to the general public for free🙂.
Being a nurse in a new relationship with a narcissist is truly the biggest dilemma I have ever faced. Fighting that inner compassion was truly a struggle. The sooner you can stop playing that therapist/saviour role, the better. Sending resilience to anyone going through a similar situation 🤞
She died in my arms unexpectedly last summer. It was a long hard road. I dont ever want to be stuck as a caregiver for anyone ever again. I'm still exhausted. Its been almost a year. I am still drained depressed and exhausted. I never had kids cause i I didn't want to be a caregiver. Oh and then me having to pay out of MY savings to bury her. That really pissed me off. She refused to preplan and many times told me that if she died just dont pay them. I laughed in disgust and said it doesn't work that way, they have to be paid! Ill bet theres a lot of narcissists that dont have preplanning in place. They shite on everyone in life and after they pass away and also make them clean up their homes, DEEP CLEAN THEIR HOUSE...her bathroom took me 4 days to fix and clean...donate their belongings to thrift shops, get rid of ALL their broken furniture that they never saw anything wrong with it...finances and funeral expenses when they pass away. They make you clean up after them in life and in death. It never ends.
Caregiving for a narcissist can be very difficult. It can feel as though you are working against them, rather than working with them. Narcissists are paranoid and untrustworthy. They always feel like you are out to get them.
I was also the scapegoat who had to take care of my ill mother. I was only 14 when it started. She felt completely entitled to my help, even though I started failing at school, had no friends, was completely isolated from everybody. When I told her I couldn't do this anymore because it was killing me she told me to suck it up and stop complaining. "It's not like you have anything to do anyway, you're just sitting at home all day and failing at school. Make yourself useful." She died when I was in my early twenties. It was a second chance at life. Edit: Btw I also didn't get the deathbed apology/gratitude I was hoping for. Insted she told me on her last day of life that she was disappointed in the person that I had become and that I did nothing but hurt her all her life. NOT what I was hoping for. But it's what I got.
Wow, I'm glad you replief early.... I'm 59.5, and it's still happening. No partner, lost all the good ones. And no job that I can feel good in. I have jumped every time. I hate this!
God sees and cares. Jesus has always been there for me. Thru narc parents, narc siblings, narc in laws, narc husband. Now I am free from all of them. He gave me 2great kids and 3 gbabies. Be free dear one, give your life to Him, He will restore all the years the locusts have eaten!! He loves like no other! He loves you!
I took care of my narc mom for 5 years. She died 6 months ago however I am still recuperating from the madness. It is like the toxin is slowly draining out of my poor body. It’s going to take awhile to get back to me again
Poor dear,treat yourself with kindness...You should get a nice 🎂 to celebrate the nightmare being done & also to celebrate your own self for who you are🙂👍🏻. Narcs have no gratitude for being parents...So we have to learn to appreciate our own selves.
Mine feel ill and i woke up yesterday and realized the last five years of my life have been taken from me while dealing with her issues once again. I was almost free.
@@kimlarsson7259 I’d have happily accepted that given our situation but yes you’re right, it’s another strategy isn’t it. (If this is what you’re dealing with please look after yourself too).
Doesn’t it make you feel better to know you’re not alone? That’s how I feel! Finally learning that it’s not me, it’s totally in them for how they’re behaving!
Thank you Dr. Ramani. I am 78 and I live a disability. Aside from the usual age-related infirmities, I suffered a viral infection in my brain 8 years ago. It has destroyed my balance and affected my speech a little. I fall frequently, broken arm, rotator cuff injury etc. My narcissistic 87 year old spouse has never acknowledged that this happened and has been just as demanding and critical as before. When I had excruciating pain after a knee replacement, he had no sympathy, told me, you wanted it, you live with it. I signed myself out of the hospital 18 hours after the surgery in order to look after everything at home. After 45 years of his angry outbursts, I was so conditioned to keep peace at any cost. He is now starting to show signs of dementia and I dread what lies ahead for me. I worked with ww2 veterans for 13 years, many of whom had dementia and I am no stranger to this disease. One of my guys was 89 and was the sweetest man ever, even apologizing when he couldn't remember things. The other man was 92 and the polar opposite, angry,demanding and ungrateful. I think I know which way my narc will be and I dread it. The silver lining to this is that I found your channel and the wonderful advice and information I get from you and your other readers. I no longer feel so alone, I know that there are many others out there, just like me. They know, they understand. No lengthy explanation required. No being looked at skeptically. I have been able retrieve something from deep down inside of me that I thought was gone forever. I have found a quiet resolve to take back some of what was taken away from me over the years. Nothing major has occurred but somehow I think he senses a shift, I am no longer cowed by his outbursts as before. I no longer scurry off to "fix" things. I still try to keep peace in the house and work around not setting him off, but my frenzy to please at all costs, has been replaced by quiet determination to be treated more fairly. The road ahead won't be easy but you have given me the strength to face it. I'm back, thanks in no small part, to you.
Your words nade me cry. . 😢 so many years stollen from us.Im 47 and nearly half the century Im doing nothing but traying to recover from my fathers abuse.It was bruttaly fizical , emotional and pshyhological..now he's (only)82 and 2cancers and dementia with agressive paranoia wanted to move in with me.I refused for all the costs , 2weeks ago I decided I cant tolerate it any more ,and went no contact/grey rock.I still feels guilt ,shame and judgment from others . I still miss myself. I wonder who would we be if we didn't had to endure this. I wish to give you a bih hug and tell hold on 🙏💪🤗
“They often do live a lot longer than the rest of us.” That made me laugh as I just said that about my parents….. Thank you so much for this video. Wow! I don’t feel as alone after watching it! I truly was laughing out loud (as in “oh! Yes!) because of the relief!
I wrote off my mother from my life after confronting her about the abuse and neglect she inflected me during my childhood. She denied, minimized, and finally blamed me. I told her I wouldn't take care of her as she grew older because she didn't change and I owe myself peace. There's no way that I'm going back to her hell or anyone else's. I know what kind of people I want close in my life, no matter what. This is my right to choose that and any person who criticizes this can take care of her. I feel sorry for her to be as she is and her life is not my fault. Edit: thank you very much to all, for sharing your amazing stories of resilience and courage! I'm sending you all the positive vibes you need to continue to move on.
It’s been a week since I cut my narc mother out of my life. I too confronted her and she lost it and started insulting me, for some reason I wasn’t afraid to defend myself. I think she was angry that I stood up for myself. I have served her all my life and she doesn’t appreciate me. I have a beautiful family and I am starting over and will find love in my home. I will not continue to be unhappy because of her. She doesn’t deserve my love. I am happier now, but still feel guilty about the confrontation. But I will not break no contact.
It's been 2 years since I started cutting her off. I didn't confront her but I keep frustrating all the monkeys, when you frustrate the monkeys you potentially destroy the control of the Narcissistic mother.
K Mtz I too have started standing up for myself and confronting some of her abusive behavior saying things to her like “what a disgusting thing to say” or “can you hear yourself right now?” or my favorite “I feel sorry for you.” I just started a new relationship and he is the guy I should have been with my whole life instead of the abusive guys I’ve attracted in the past, and my narc mom usually tries to throw wrenches in all her kids relationships, especially mine so they end, and I end up moving back in with her. But not this time. I’ve been grey rocking her and she can’t stand it. She keeps asking me why I’ve been acting so different and why I seem to have a “chip on my shoulder” when it comes to her. Last night she told me “I want you to act sweet and loving towards me from now on, even if that’s not how you feel.” A grown ass adult, you’re gonna tell me how I should act and feel, I see. She thinks we should all just take her abuse with a smile and not defend ourselves in any way because she does and pays for xyz. When I leave here, it will be for the last time, and I won’t be taking any help, furniture, anything that can cause her to be able to hold anything over my head. And I’ll be damned if I am ever her caregiver. She made her bed.
Amen, and amen. No contact with narcissist mother, sisters, ex, and sweet enabling father was the most difficult and emotionally wrenching act I've done. And I would have done it sooner if I had realized the calm serenity of the life I now live. I am planning for retirement in Portugal in a few years, with me, myself and I---I can't wait!
James M I am truly sorry about what you have endured with your mom. I am glad that you are strong enough to walk away, it is not easy, I know how you feel coz I have been through hell. When I got married and moved into my new apartment with my hubby and then 3year old son, my mom offered to give me some of her furniture and I said thank you, but I’ll manage. My husband couldn’t understand why I didn’t accept her ‘generous offer’. I told my husband that was just her way of getting control, that she will soon use it to get something from me. You think they’ll eventually relies they are wrong, but that day never comes with narcs. I am very proud of you for defending yourself. Stay strong and do not allow her to manipulate you back into her routine. Good luck😊
Parents get old, and there is a passing of the npd torch to the next generation of toxic family members. Leave the circus before you become the trained elephant who forgets his own strength. When you get out, the aftermath will feel as heavy as an elephant. And, much like an elephant, you'll most likely never forget. Remember you are seemingly in a dark tunnel, you must keep going, never give up, even when it's hard, try everything you possibly can with determination, because you will see light and you will feel light again. Restoration is possible. A quote: Churchill said, "If you're going through hell, keep going".
I finally had to “retire” from my required job description within my rules®ulations narcissistic family system. I’m in my 60’s with my own grown family who all have been raised with the freedom to choose how they wish to live as adults. Meanwhile I’ve felt a boa constrictor N. Mother squeezing me tighter and tighter to the point of my finally deciding I need to escape! I’ve had over 2 months of no contact, and this had to include my siblings. I’m never getting anywhere close to those false job requirements again. My brain has felt like it’s my own again in these detached months- like a pleasant breeze has been airing it out. Thank you so much for this affirming post Dr. Ramani.
Very well said! Here we are animal rights activists expected to survive our own parents torturing us, now I'm preparing to deal with a tearless day when mom dies as I know my adult daughter will be quite sad, cried a whole 12 (6 per eye) when my dad died though!
The narc in my life told me recently that she only had me to take care of her in her old age (I’ll be 70 next year) and expects me to leave my disabled partner, whom I’ve been married to for 30 years, and move back across country to take care of her. I could no longer take the long distance abuse and have gone no contact, after the physical abuse, neglect and lack of empathy she has doled out since I was a child. I am currently working with a therapisr who helped me realize that there is nothing “wrong” with me and that my missing sense of self came from being her idea of who I should be….the extension of her. She damaged me long ago and now, at this stage of my life, it’s time to work on me.
You really nailed it. The isolation of caregiving for a narc with dementia is enough to make you constantly question reality, especially since they can still pull it together for outsiders in the early stages. Would love so much more on this topic just for comfort sake...these videos are my touchstones for keeping sane. 💜
Right? Her videos are so helpful for letting me know that I’m not alone in the full on war with trying to do “the right thing” while my golden child brother lives three hours away and is too busy to visit. Only visiting twice in 8 years……
I am feeling the exact same way. I am helping to care for my narcissistic father in law with mild dementia. He recently had a stroke and my Husband and I are caring for him. I watch him pull it together too when we take him and his dog for a walk and run into neighbours. He’s having a harder time now . I feel for you and completely understand.
@Dzsamila # yes, it is *very* sad. It took me 15 years to recover from my ex, and another 16 to learn to love myself and be, "all up to me." Long hard journey ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ I empathize so much with you.......leaving is the first step to becoming independent, though ❤️❤️❤️❤️ you are so VERY brave, to strike out on your own!!!! Be PROUD of yourself, for you are so courageous. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Yeah, well, no contact is the healthy solution. No matter how difficult it is to achieve. No one has the right to abuse others and the abuse leaves effects on us that sabotage our success in life, no matter how much we become aware of the process. Go no contact. Leave them to social services
I agree. I'm not caring for my narcissistic mother, ever. She needs to feel the effect of being a horrible, disgusting mother. I'm giving her the same as what she gave me when I was a child. That's what nursing homes are for.
My narcissistic mother refused to acknowledge her mortality at the end of life. Yes, she got worse with time. The less control, the more vicious. It was very sad to witness her decline.
This was me a few years ago, i looked at care giving as precious time with my mother, but i put my foot down when it came to cleaning the house as there was another adult in the house as well, after my mother past away i was getting my hair done the hairdresser started taking about my mother and the mental child she had "thats me the mental one "that wouldn't clean her house, my mother had everyone convinced i was mentally unwell, one week before my mother died i told her when she goes so do i ,i left 4 brother's behind ,on the day she died the adult in the house while my mother was lying dead the adult snatched her purse, I'll take that he said , so disrespectful i was disgusted, i kept too my word i left the house when my mother left with the undertakers, thriving now better off without all the madness, in a new life full of happiness, joy loving me for the first time in my life, i understand myself more ...
You’re already taking care of her and she bad mouths you because you didn’t want to clean her house? I would have left and rented an apartment across the country
@Wednesday's Child rise above, the truth will always come out in the end ,as we learn not too give a flying monkeys what others think or say ,thats self empowerment, take care thrive because there's nothing else to do.
OMG you got that spot on. I cared for my narcissistic mother for 11 years with no break because she wouldn't 'allow' it. I lived in with her - big mistake. Yes dementia was there in the end, my health has suffered considerably and continues to, yes siblings got equal share of her house after she passed this year. No one helped me out but are more than happy to take their share of her estate. Within the first 6 months I knew I should've walked away but couldn't bring myself to abandon her. I was ill in front of her very eyes but she didn't acknowledge it. I didn't understand it was narcissistic behaviour till the final year. I wish I researched it earlier on. My advice is don't do it !
My 💭 s exactly!I hope you cherish every lovely day & give yourself a kind pat on the shoulder for your unappreciated but kind deeds🫂👍🏻.There needs to be more awareness about this stuff...I recently warned my mom that she'll likely be stuck tending to my narc dad in his old age & that he'll likely be even more terrible,I 💭 she deserved to know what she may be in for.Hopefully he just drops dead on her sometime soon so she won't have to do that thankless job😮💨.I won't blame her if she lets him get extreme diaper-rash🙄.
I am in that position , was/ am the scapegoat ,have narcissistic entitled siblings ,and I will be left homeless when she dies. I fully intend to challenge the will and seek the greatest share of the estate when the time comes because she simply refuses to ask anyone else to do anything for her and she has spent a lifetime destroying my hopes and plans to ensure I ended up her captive audience.I told them to call her occasionally, they attacked me for that, so the consequences are their own fault.
@@robinantonio8870 Contesting a Will is very difficult. I was advised that a court will only look at 2 things: 1 Was the person of sound mind when they made the Will. 2 And were they coerced into it. That's it - they're not interested in who said what to who, who did what or what anyone thinks should happen. A Will is final and you can't change it unless you've got bullet proof evidence. And the money to pay for it. That's the legal advice I was given. I have been forced to put the house on the market by my sibling even though I have nowhere to go. The property market is dire here and I can't afford to buy or even rent. If the shoe was on the other foot I would never have done that to them.
@@miriamroche671 not the case here. Because she coerced me into living with her and I am now financially dependent on her for a roof over my head, I am legally entitled to more because I am dependent. The law may not care about her mistreatment of me but it does allow for my greater need sincd I will otherwise be homeless and will have to suicide if I dont have the funds . Which is fine by me after a lifetime of hell thanks to my family. That I consider it compensation for that hell and servitude to her is irrelevant to the court, I will still get more because of my dependence on her for a roof.
I hear you. We each take out some time at a motel room to get away for some peace for a couple of days. We still have to come back to the madness, but it’s important to take time out from them
Between the ages of 5-11 years old, I was the caregiver for my grandmother after school every day. My parents both worked and I was an only kid. My grandmother was unable to walk, not so good as swallowing, needed lots of pain and anxiety meds (RA), never left the house and sucked the joy of life out of me. Never said thank you, none of the family members ever did. As an adult, when people talk about the challenges of caregiving, I still have to leave the room.
mac4830, that is horrible. You shouldn't have been put in that position! It's not just the narcissism--no child should be thrust into an adult responsibility, and for several years, no less! 😢
I am a caregiver by profession. I give clients up that get abusive with me when I can not manage to be detached any more and they don't respect my boundaries. I don't get paid enough for that.
Wow this is me taking care of my narcissistic, selfish mother. She doesn't know I'm moving out next year I have been quietly getting my life together. Thank You For This Video Doc. My Mother is mentally and emotionally in a wheelchair, been there her whole life.
So wonderful that you will be leaving. No guilt. Living with the narcissistic parent is like living with a monster in a cave. There is never peace or safety. Stay with your plan, keep it close to your chest, and do not underestimate their power over you. And when you finally do leave, DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES LOOK BACK at the narcissist you have left.
Good job, please don't go back, dont attempt to try to see how she is , just totally no contact even when she comes to their dying breath. Free yourself totally if u can.
They also sabotage their children in the warped hope they'll never leave and be forced to caregive. Example, going to a job interview covered in "accidentally" spilled ice cream courtesy of the narcissist.
This was indeed their plan with me, you can't imagine the shouts from my sister Golden child and from my mother main narc, stronger than my father at the moment.. Now my sis has been caught in the care.. She seems genuinely linked.. I do feel to love them for the good they have been andore for the wonderful parents and Sis they could have been and I never met.this sxxt of Narcissism took away from me all my family, and I always watch out it will not take away also my soul.. It's a plague the human specie should become conscious of ASAP cause this literally steal our Souls from God..
My mother was very successful to keep my small. I'm a member of MENSA, yet was not able to get through university because of all the shame I have in myself for trying to improve my life. Whenever I try to do something only I profit from, like sports, healthy eating, studying, ... I feel awful like a total egoist who never cares about other people. I have panic attacks when I try to study. She is dead since many years and I'm still a low-wage worker.
My father told me I had no choice but to take care of him when he got sick. I am the golden child, the scapegoat and the fixer. I will never do it again.
@@mcm9619 you actually don't always have a choice :( Unless you manage to get into witness protection. Even on the other side of the planet - they can follow you to the grave (and not necessarily theirs).
Currently caring for my ill narcissistic husband and it’s an absolute nightmare. The entitlement, the drama, the manipulation and lack of empathy towards me is infuriating! I have saved this video and I watch it at least twice per week so I don’t lose my mind.
@@BamaBelleOpinesit’s crazy isn’t it? When Dr Ramini said narcissists donmt plan for their own demise, she is 100% correct! My husband doesn’t have life insurance so I’m scrambling to find ways to pay for his car and our home, on top of everything else! I hope you are doing well despite everything and that you have a good support system to assist you during such a difficult time!
Actually, I took care of them for me. I was able to task my heart and head into believing my parent was now my patient and treat them as such. I expected nothing in return. When they passed I could look back with no regrets that I didn't do what my best. A visiting nurse was getting ready to take some blood, she stretched the rubbed thing they put around the arm and said in a whisper, "may we should put this around is neck". We both had a good chuckle. I suddenly realized that "it wasn't me", others could feel it too. I have been a elderly in-home health worker for most of my working life. After the chuckle with the nurse I decided to apply the care giver/ patient relationship to my parent relationship. It didn't take long before I was felling so much better. My advice to anyone going through a care giving relationship is to treat it like a nurse would and just nod and smile, then continue about your tasks.
I did it for me too. For my own sort of moral code, she could pass and I didn't owe her a thing, I also stayed objective, mostly, she slept a lot so that was good, but when she was awake she was like a selfish child, would do things like throw stuff on the floor, dirty kleenex for example, when she was through with them, the basket was within easy reach. Like a princess with a servant. But she died owing me thanks, not the other way around, and I have adult children, so I think I set a good example, and luckily she died after 3 mo. so it didn't go on for years. I would have returned home at the end of the next month. The other narcissists didn't say thanks, not one of them, so I don't deal with any of them any more, it was a really horrible experience, colon cancer, projectile vomiting poop all over, lot's and lots of cleaning and laundry, but in the end it worked out.
People who can get this kind of mental / emotional / cognitive distance from an unhealthy parent /child dynamic can do excellent care, people who can't though really shouldn't.
Thank you for the advice. I am about to go into the lions den as both of my parents are being released from rehab, my father fell and broke his neck and my mother had knee surgery. I live in NC and they live in FL. My mother has asked me to come to help. My father has always been a narcissist but now his emotions are amplified. I was speaking with my mother the other night and could hear him yelling at the nurse and could hear his rage.
I watch this to remind myself growing up as a scapegoated and parentified caregiver, why i should never break NC with my mother. Thank you a lot. How relieving❤
Take heed of the warning Dr. Ramani has given. It happened to me. My health and finances were destroyed. The time away from work to take 24/7 care of my parent resulted in my social security retirement benefits being half of what I had anticipated. The government uses your last 10 years of earnings to calculate your benefit. So it's not just the fact that you weren't earning anything for years, it's that the 40 years you paid into the system gets erased.
We should all take care of our family members, but not narcissists. The movie Joker is the best example. (Spoiler below) Arthur spends all his life to give care for his mother, but finds out she has a narcissistic personality disorder, abused Arthur, severely damaged his brain and gave a serious disability for his entire life. So Arthur decides to kill her. (To be precise, his mother didn’t stop the abuse from his boyfriend, but it’s the same.) We shouldn’t be Arthur. We should go no contact ASAP and never see them. They never appreciate your care, take it for granted, and demand more and more. You take care of narcissistic parents, ruin your life and you die early. In my country, you go to jail if you are exhausted, can’t take care of your parents anymore, let them die. So some people go no contact before they need care to avoid jail terms. Do not care about narcissistic parents. Go no contact. They take your care for granted, they never appreciate your care. They live long, you die early.
Because narcissist parents abuse me 22years, at that time, I did not know they have disorder, I just feel pain I can not bear......so I have a chance for leaving, I decided to leave , that is the best decision I make for my whole life! Although my parents have a chance to say others I do not care them .......I know what is really happen.
I was watching a crime documentary on this Vietnamese girl. She was raised by narcissistic parents who pushed her to the edge. She had to be a professional ice skater, heading for the Olympics. Then at school a straight A, but she couldn't, so she faked her grades and lived a double life with a boyfriend who was basically a bad influence. At 24, the parents found the truth and threatened to cut off support unless she returned in inclosure to study and get those A's. She basically got rid of the parents with the help of her bf who hired some thugs to fake a robbery gone wrong. She got caught by the detectives. This is not where anyone wants to be so again zero contact is good. Narcissists will make you feel hopeless, and hopelessness can turn humans into monsters out of despair and need for revenge
This situation came up with my narcissist mother. My narcissistic sister has lived with or across from my mom and dad for 50 years but when my dad died and mom started smashing her windows out with her hammer (dementia & NPD), she demanded that I sell my house and move in with mom to take care of mom and my sister?! I live TWO STATES AWAY, she lives across the street. She tried to shame me, guilt me, gaslight me, then tried the silent treatment. I said "NO". During my dad's funeral, I had suggested putting Mom in Elder care. My sister said no and went into a narcissistic rage. When she became sick, she signed paperwork to have Mom put an elder care and became angry with me when I was asking questions about the facility. I asked her, "What did you think would happen when one of our parents died? You lived with them till you were 38 years old and then across the street from them. Who did you think was going to take care of them?". She literally told me that she thought "Mom would die first and her and dad would live happily ever after". My dad was a very kind, codependent man who was being physically abused by my mom and taking advantage of by my sister. I didn't even find out that until after he had passed away. Thankfully I made it away from that narcissistic trap. I was the scapegoat growing up but no more. The pure insanity that goes on in the mind of a narcissist. They can turn anything around on you. And there's no seeing logic.
Wow! What can i say...Dr Ramani you've described exactly what i went through while trying to take care of my ailing grandmother who had been neglected by all her children.I brought her to my house and guess what...i became her emotional punching bag,her rage towards me was on another level..i couldn't take it anymore and i returned her to her home and she died few weeks later.This video has given me peace bcoz I've been feeling like I did the wrong thing. Thankyou Dr Ramani.
I am a registered nurse who has worked in a nursing home. While the majority of patients were sweet and kind, there were a fair number who displayed manipulative, narcissistic behavior. Unfortunately, us nursing staff often found ourselves going above and beyond for these individuals just to keep the relationship with the patient and/or family as peaceful as possible.
I understand what you go through. My 89 y/o mother is the problem and I am also a nurse. I have to calm both her and staff down when she is in a facility.
I'm now looking into nursing care for my mother. She is stage 6 dementia, and stage 7 cannot come quickly enough. Her being a martyr and "independent" is wearing out the in-home nursing staff. To say she is ugly to them is an understatement! Sad to say I'm looking forward to the day she can no longer talk.
Totally true. Wish I had known this before I gave myself over and was totally devalued and not paid for a year and a half of full-time work when I put my life on hold and failed to start a business. My narcissist said I was stealing from them when I asked for a meager wage for only a fraction of the work I did. Instead, they would call me names and say horrible things about me, devalue me, call me worthless, say I was stupid, and cuss me out for two hours while in the same breath would asked me to send gift money to our other family members when those family members had not even visited, let alone done any work. Totally, totally thankless and life-sucking job. I wish I had never done it.
Because of COVID and my 90 year old mom's misery, I sprung her from the nursing home to live with me. It's been two months and I'm over-drinking, gaining weight and ignoring my friends. My 5 siblings says they are WAY too busy to help out. I finally made an appointment with a therapist. My mom isn't the WORST narcissist, but she aint no walk-in-the-park and she sure seems to like to push all my buttons. I love her. I HAVE to figure this out.
With narc parents who have of fake health issues - beware of faking the severity (as was mentioned very delicately with "you don't know if it's narcissism or dementia"), legal issues (lying about how you treat them) and financially (they'll spend money and say you stole it). Also endangerment of others (e.g. reckless driving). When they're "elderly" they demand all the rights and blame you. E.g. they scream elder abuse to drive and cry I'm old when they get caught - and society blames you! If a teen without a driver's license would try to take the car, society would support you in telling them NO! When it's an elderly parent, you are evil, disrespect and ingratitude incarnated. And thank you Dr.R for bringing up this awful, soul-destroying topic. P.s. also physical violence and serious threats - no one cares when an old lady is physically violent, and it's a real concern that while "pretending" to have a fit (like throwing lit matches because "you have to do as they say") they actually do cause serious damage (since they're even more obnoxious and less agile). And the lit-match throwing is not made up.
Thank you for this. I’m a caretaker for my abusively manipulative grandfather and he refuses to pay me what I’m owed (1/10 of usual pay) after 2 full years of work and neglecting myself. I felt bad because my angel of a grandmother died (I was also her hospice caretaker) and didn’t want him to be lonely. My own codependency issues. But he has crushed my soul. No matter what I do. I was raised by a traumatized and narcissistic mother. The only daughter of my grandfather. Only the two of us will ever help him, but she is the only one who gets praise. Ironic, isn’t it. I live with him and have done everything, including his spouse’s hospice care. Hoping one day it will be enough. I’ve never wished for anyone to die, but that thought is there. Now that I’m taking time to myself to plot my next steps (after wasting 2 years of my prime and snowballing my health), he’s angry for not getting attention. Thank you for validating my feelings. My own therapist couldn’t do that. Your videos are so helpful. Bless you.
I’d like to add that I fit the description of the “narcissistic child” and I’ll explain why. I was the oldest of my 3 siblings. Everything was my fault. I had a close relationship with my father and my mother hated that (daughter of narcissistic grandfather). I swear she always held it against me. Crazy controlling. I have compassion for the collapse of a marriage, but I refuse to take responsibility as a kid. I was always isolated and “expected more of.” And I’m positive that’s environmental inheritance. I was just the brunt of it. “Where did I go so wrong with you.” Nowhere. I was always a top student until abusive behavior increased. But I still passed and graduated, even though I wanted to die. I feel so badly for anyone who can relate. I’ve never wanted to forget anything else more in my life.
My younger siblings got new cars, credit cards, free passes, allowed to go out, etc etc. So my expectations of “I’m entitled to the same treatment” comes from that. That includes free rent, car payments, phone payments, everything. I had done it all myself. And I regress to a childlike state around them because of it. Even though I was the one who kept them out of trouble and away from punishment.
I pushed myself so hard for my ex husband to the point I got Fibromyalgia. I was never allowed to get myself needed health care. I was always in charge of the care of the kids, home, pets, laundry, groceries, etc. I did everything and gave my whole body and soul to be treated like crap and betrayed and told all my energy was for nothing. . . . . .
I became the caregiver to my 86 year old "life partner" of 15 years when he got lung cancer after a lifetime of smoking. He was very cranky, took out his frustrations on me, so I told the Hospice Nurse about it, and she gave me some Cymbalta, an SRI antidepressant, to give to him. This made all the difference. I made sure to get him to take one every day, I told him it was for pain, and things got a lot better. He slept better, and stopped yelling and baiting everyone. It saved my sanity.
Doing this WRECKED ME. After 56 years with multiple years of "time outs", caring for my mother, who I loved so much, at the last 3 years of her life, completely derailed me. I didn't want her to be alone and my 3 older brothers hadn't spoken to her in roughly 20 years...don't do it unless you are either super strong, have a death wish, or a GREAT therapist. I became su-cidal all over again in the two years since she died and I had to clean out her home...I am still not "over" it. RIP, Mom, because you sure as hell didn't have peace here on Earth...Im glad I did it, but I am NOT out of the woods yet. I am probably the "fixer" and as a nurse, I couldn't imagine her being anymore alone than she already was. At 84, she had become so...just so bad.
OMG, my husband of 32 years came back to me, for what turned out to be the last 4 months of his life (pancreatic cancer). I dropped everything to take care of him , he was the only person I’ve loved for my entire adult life and we have grown children. I’m glad I did it and although he’s gone almost a year, I’m still hurt by his last admissions about his secret life…it’s heartbreaking to watch someone die, even him
In short, I want to say it again ' Old age is not a shield' and ' Blood relation can mean nothing when it comes to narcs' Please leave the narcs asap when you can, don't feel guilty!
Best advice ever, it's all a big secret until we're here! -"But it's your mother! - "Yes but me thinks she's still strong enough to kill me" I replied to her GP's secretary, she then gave me social services number and I called the secretary months later to once mire thank her for doing so!
My narc parents actually were grateful for my caregiving, but they expected too much. They thought my caregiving had to go one forever. They never considered how my caregiving negatively affected my mental and physical health. It took up so much of my personal time and energy that I barely had a personal life. Being with my narc parents also constantly exposed me to their gaslighting and controlling manipulations which they would always deny doing.
I've been taking care of my mom since I was 9 and I am 25 now. I don't know what to do. I can't escape. There's no way out. I don't have anybody and I'm totally wraprpd around her finger. I want to die just to get away from them forever. I have my own mental health issues. I am absolutely incapable of taking care of her but I'm all shes got. I forfeited relationships, jobs, aspirations and hobbies to take care of her. She doesn't see a single thing wrong with herself. She told me point blank I'm supposed to take care of her until I die. But if I keep taking care of her, IM going to die!!!!!!!
I am the scapegoat. And my golden boy brother is in New Mexico - across the country & away from my crazy, toxic narcissistic mother. I became a lawyer in order to be able to make sense of the insane world I grew up in. Now - she is looking to me to care for her - she is suffering from dementia now & is even more crazy now.
My parents never planned for their future. It resulted in my demise (picking up the pieces which is a huge understatement). I'm still recovering 7 yrs later from a total physical and mental breakdown from the chaos. Long story.... wouldn't wish it on anyone. My mother is a grandiose Narc.
1 of the worst things about elderly narcs is that they usually haven't planned for old age...My narc father went on MANY trips both around our country & overseas and now he'll never be able to retire,death will be his "retirement"🙄.At 60 he hasn't even paid off the 🏡.I already told my mom that I'm not coming back to clean up his mess when it all implodes.
For me (and everyone else in my family), it’s my narcissistic adult twin sibling. We’re pushing 40, and for all these years, she refuses to learn how to drive, refuses to get a job, refuses to pitch in on any expenses, and scapegoats all of us into taking care of her. I recently had to walk away from my whole family system because my family is enabling her and I’m tired of being gaslighted into enabling her myself. She needs to pull her own weight.
My brother who was a narcissist and lived next door to my mother who also was a narcissist ( he was the golden child) wanted me to come back from the other end of the world to take care of her,I refused and told him it was his duty as he was living next door to her and what about our sister who lived in Paris but did not have a dime to her name,she was not asked to take care of our mother. I was the scapegoat in that "family" since I was a little girl,and left as soon as I could and was not going to come back to be exploited and abused.
Thanks for your message, I also ran away as far as I could but now dreading the old age period.... your words are encouragement to not go back. Thanks.
I was the scapegoat, turned caregiver. I had to give up my own destiny for a person who really never had concerns about my own best interests, in regards to how I wanted to live my life. I've always like a prisoner and a indentured servant for my family.
My jaw almost dropped when you said that it’s the scapegoat who the family looks to to take care of the narcissistic parents. It happened to me. The way it worked out though was that my whole narcissistic family had made me so sick all my life (plus physical assault and other people’s abuse) that I was in a wheelchair and had so many mental and physical health problems I had to say no even though the empath in me still wanted to say yes. I had lived with broken ribs from constantly falling, constant vomiting, constant blackouts, and trips to hospitals of various kinds that I just had to tell them I couldn’t do it and I got the big narcissistic discard from all of them. They knew that I had gone through a lifetime of illnesses but being narcissistic none of that ever seemed to occur to them. As such I got out of nursing my horrible mother. I am convinced that had I taken on the job for my parents I would have died for sure and not a one of them would have cared or put two and two together. Just an early grave for me, the scapegoat...so what. Is it because the scapegoat is considered to be worthless so that’s one way they feel they can put her or him to use? Is it a continuation of their rage towards that person? It’s shocking how non-existent their empathy is.
Yes a topic that is often overlooked. A narcissist is not a care taker. Ever. The person with the disability is providing narcissistic supply\fuel. This will take away mutch of the energy you have to spare. Advoid this situation if at all possible. I have seen this in a number of different situations. Take care of yourself. Peace and Love.
I am disabled and lived with a narcisstic partner for 10 years, what eventually made me fall apart was me being less and less independent because I had to care for his needs/narc supply and dealing with his rage every time I mentioned certain topic close to me. One of those thing was keeping a clean house. He found it unnecessary and refused doing it nor get a house cleaner. All the house cleaning I was able to do were harder and harder to implement because of this, and that f***ed with my health. The sad thing is that he told everybody he knew how a disabled person should be treated..
@@newwavenancy ikr? I hope our commenter Mythic here is in a good circumstances now so we can hear some creepy nurse stories, and how to roll out of them!
Pebblebrook Books - Lotsa creepy nurse stories out there; which I cannot share because it was 4 decades ago when I was a deer in the headlights for all I observed. Loathed the “profession” but HAD to go into it or be “DISOWNED” which may seem laughable now, but when you’re an empathetic teen with a N-Mom who also uses suicide threats as a means of control... 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️ Then add a N-Dad who sexually abuses... 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ WHAT THE “F” did I do to deserve this?
The worst caregiving situation I've ever experienced is dealing with my narcissistic husband with stage 4 cancer. I dealt with his rage, threats, ploys for sympathy , insecurities, triangulation, and entitlement. At this point, I'm trying to carve out a life for myself that infuriates him. Now he attempts to be nice and loving yet will become angry when I don't reciprocate. He's well aware that the marriage is a sham and that my goal is to be cordial and to assist him.
I came here to say something very similar. Narcissistic husband with cancer, and he has raged at me, threatened me, and all of the above. I'm so sorry you're going through this as well. It's hard for anyone not dealing with this to understand that you don't always feel like you can just walk off and leave this human with cancer...but you also can't let them treat you horribly and destroy your own health.
Wowww, my jaw is just on the floor realizing you’re talking about something that looks a lot like my situation and family. I felt like NO ONE understands what I am going though and doing here. But you described it all perfectly and so I must not be the only one. And even just knowing that makes me sad, but also feel less like I’m some abscess in the world living this existence alone. Thank you for all your education and bringing awareness. I feel so validated, informed and empowered. 🙏🕊✨
They are in a community for 55+. The lawns and driveways (and snow) are done by the community. When they need it, there are nurses and/or caregivers who can care for them there.
I cared for my elderly grandmother for 26yrs, she passed 10yrs ago. Since I was 19. I was unable to work or have relationships. Now my mother is elderly with cancer. She treats me worse than granny. I am in therapy and these videos help me get thru. I was the scapegoat for 54 years.My uncle was the golden child. There is no money and with no work history I dont know what to do. I have been in this house since I was 6mos old. I dont know anything else. Thank you Dr Ramani.
It's not possible to give care to an elderly narc. I know - I'm going through it right now. The only escape is either leave or wait till he's dead. It's a one way system with any narc - theirs only. I now tell people to run and don't look back.
I helped my narcissist husband during pancreatic cancer and stroke. He did get more angry towards me, which was painful. But I did what I needed to do. And the stroke affected his speech center, so he couldn't punish me with words. I made sure that friends and family were there every day. I let him hold court, and by not being able to speak, he finally fit in, and people were comfortable around him. He prepared me for his loss, staying away from home except to sleep.
Dealing with Narcissists. Where is it written that you have to sacrifice yourself to the narcissist! We are all given a limited amount of time in this lifetime. I have sacrificed to many holidays and celebrations, to the needs and wants to narcissistic family. No Contact and low contact, has saved me! Take back your life! There is no reward for suffering, or abuse from a narcissist! Run Run 🏃♀️ and don’t look back!
What about the children that never left home? i think that a narcissistic mother is capable of grooming the child from a very young age to be there throughout their lives.As the child grows older only to be emotionally numb to thier own wants and fully engaged with the attention seeking narcissist ,it feels perversely natural that putting yourself to the side and trying to prop up the wants and needs of this parent who is and has always has been incapable of loving you.
I m going to bè Luke that, abused and still in toxic narcisistic family...and the mother is Luke in orror film and I m still shocked of what She did starting from my childhood
My mom had my Golden Child brother groomed for the job for sure and because he stayed physically close to her he had a stroke a couple years ago. Now the two of them are in the house and my poor mom's boyfriend is stuck with them. Better him than me
It was BRUTAL. I left and went no contact after 5 months and told him to figure it out. He has the resources. I don’t care if I get nothing in the will now (he has always used money as a weapon) and my GC brother living across the land gets whatever mess of his millions is left over. My soul cannot be bought. Goodbye 👋. Also - Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this video. It painted this experience out beautifully.
I think total trust in any relationship is overpriced as i ended up hating myself for ever believing my ex-husband. When my ex-husband started getting home late, I would ask and he'd say something came up at work. When i couldn't take any more of his lies, I decided it was time i get to know what was really going on. On the recommendation of a friend, I contacted this great ethical hacker (cyberhackingsage@gmail) who cloned his cellphone without physically touching the device and as a result, I was able to access his social media accounts, GPS Location, iMessage, call logs and text messages (both recent and deleted) through a remote decryption link sent to me. I discovered he is a liar who is having a secret affair with his secretary and that he has been using money from our joint account to finance the affair. Thanks to cyberhackingsage, I was able to file for divorce with lots of evidence against him. If you're ever in doubt or you need that extra bit of closure, I recommend you send a mail to cyberhackingsage@gmail or text and WhatsApp them at +15713758467.......................I hope you find peace of mind just like me after I discovered the truth.
I’ve been supporting my Father for nine months now. When the situation first presented itself I thought the support was only going to be financially. I adjusted my life and sacrificed my cherished autonomy to take him in because I thought, “yeah, this is a great opportunity for my dad to retire and take care of himself!” That was not the case. His behavior extends to flat out disrespect of the way I choose to keep my house and everyday is a battle for the living space I work hard to pay for. I feel like a child once again. Unable to defend myself against my father’s entitlement to do what he wants, whenever he wants. I find myself being torn between hoping there is still a chance to salvage our relationship and radically accepting that my father has NEVER been capable of caring for himself and hoping the end comes swiftly and mercifully. Best wishes to all those who find themselves in this battle. Stay strong, stay patient and stay kind. Thank you Dr. Ramani for producing this content! It is a light in the dark abyss I walk into every day.
There is no relationship to be salvaged. It took me a long time to finally get that. There was never a relationship at all and there never will be. There is nothing I can do, so, I moved far, far away and chose my health and sanity and went no contact.
Since my empath father died and my narc mom realised i am the only possible caregiver, I am the golden child now. Just to be sure.... i finally get the love i always craved for. It's one big mindf***
This is an excellent video for the scapegoat who gets sucked into or guilt-tripped into caring for a narc parent. Make no mistake-there will be no appreciation or apology from the narc. They will expect you to to do this and then they will criticize your efforts. The caregiving will suck you dry emotionally and financially. And the enabling siblings (if there are any) will make themselves scarce until it is time for the estate to be disbursed. And finally, the scapegoat can count on being excluded from the estate- to add insult to injury. Seen this too many times.
My role as a caregiver is truthfully to avoid guilt, shame, and criticism. In early March I PLEADED with my narc mom to prepare, stock up and sign up for meal delivery service as the pandemic was creeping in. "I don't eat frozen food", "I'll be fine" (invincible!). Weeks later she called panicked (w/only 2 days worth of food left living in a super hotspot). It's probably the first time she's called me in about 10 years (I call monthly). I live 4 hours away and spent DAYS trying to find a short term solution so she wouldn't go hungry until the meals arrived (I paid for the service for 3 months) and set up family zoom calls. I gave her advance notice the service was about to come to a close as it was safe for her to food shop in early June. I received a one line email thank you with future faking "I will make it up to you somehow". I haven't heard from her since. It is never reciprocal, the gratitude is very minimal, sometimes absent and it is always, always draining. For many years I have been bailing my mom out of situations where she made foolish choices. In every single case, her magical thinking and lack of consideration created danger, confusion, urgency with the sole focus on her. I'm trying to be compassionate yet cling to the philosophy "Poor planning on your part doesn't necessitate an emergency on mine". It is very difficult tightrope to walk on and I'm worried what's coming my way this winter.
My problem was my MOTHER herself, couldnt let go of the past we shared, constantly rewriting history...then going through the MASSIVE paperwork she had saved since the 1950's, broke me all over again. (She died 12/25/20, NOT from Covid, but heart/respiratory failure). Reading or just SEEING the incredibly private stuff NO ONE should EVER learn about their parents, blew my heart to pieces. RIP, Dad and Mom. You were so very much loved. I only wish you could have loved your own children...
Been there. At long last, I finally refused. I refused to destroy my own life and lift the burden for siblings who had been dumping the responsibility for years. Amazingly, they were finally put in the position to have to step up for a change. It was one hell of a fight. And they are royally ticked off. TOUGH !
My narc mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2016. I had a husband and 3 kids who also needed me. I took her to her appointments, took notes, explained to her the doc talk. I wanted to be there because I loved her. When she had radiation she preferred my narc father, who she would complain about daily and who was an asshole to her. I couldn’t understand why. She would praise over and over how sweet her sister (who would bring her food and grocer) was. And her niece who was just the sweetest and always so helpful. I did get a thank you, although it didn’t feel as good as I thought it should. The same month my mom was diagnosed, my husband began his affair with his current wife. 2016 was a difficult year, but it put my recovery in higher gear. In 2019, I began to pull further away from my mom when I started to realize more how she really was the selfish one in our relationship. I stared a full time job and she helped with my kids. It stressed me out and it stressed my kids out. When I took her with me to a counseling appointment, she spent the whole hour talking about herself and how she’s been the victim of her husband’s narcissism. When I asked her about the appointment, she was indignant and in a public place, told me how my abusive father wasn’t that bad. “I think about what you always say, ‘it could always be worse’ (a phrase I used to help me look at the bright side) It could have been worse”, she told me. I cried, she was indifferent. She’s in denial. It was worse than she’d like to admit. She refused to go to the next counseling appt. I started to see her clearly and have kept putting more distance. Months later she asked if I’d like to go to counseling with her to “work on our relationship”. I told her I didn’t have time. Her cancer was my blessing. I am now divorced, minimal contact with my mother and less with my father. It has healed my soul in ways I never knew needed healing. I hope that as time passes I have less contact with then. Just have another string to cut next.
Omg! TU for this topic. I have been my mother's caregiver all my life! My dad was abusive and I tried to support her as young as 5! Then diagnosed with cancer when I was 20. I am 50 now and spent the last year and a half calling ambulance monthly. And yes, I have become ill (already dealing with CPTSD, depression? anxiety). Now having investigations done the last 3 months (inflammation? autoimmune?). She even called me to pick her up from hospital when I was getting ultrasound myself, despite me telling her she needed to call someone else. Denied that I told her I was having tests. Called me a liar basically. Went no contact then (2 months ago). So grateful to have all this explained and validated! Bless you Dr. R. I feel so much less "crazy" .... its NOT my fault. Xo
This video right here just made up my mind for me about all the anguish, confusion, pain, anxiety, and fear about putting our narcissistic parent into a nursing home. I am not going to kill myself for this person. Better yet, she is not going to kill me, or my siblings, if I can help it. Thank you so much Dr. Ramani. Once again, I thought I was going crazy trying to sort out dementia and narcissism. Turns out gaslighting is alive and well in our demented narcissitic parent.
With mums alzheimers she blatantly emotionally guilted me “thank you SO much for coming, I love you so much…!” Where you feel no love from them, just sucking need and playing the victim, Then as you leave it will be “oh I’m so sad, you are so goo, please come back I need you!” Knowing that caring for them was making me sick. The abuse was… everything in between. There was no one else. Just me. I ended up chronically ill. Pushing myself to nearly having a very serious car accident. Once she got into a home and settled down when I wasn’t around, and I knew she was cared for. I was done. But Christmas… it’s so hard, this is the second Christmas I won’t have seen them, I’m grieving the parent I lost, and my “neglect”… and guilt… I’m so exhausted just thinking about it. I just… exhausted all the time I think of this…. I wish I’d seen this video when it was all happening. Which would be around when it was happening. Mum would use money as a lure to keep me around. Yup I’ve gotten the complicated grief… I’m just lucky I held onto my job, so I can actually live .
Its so intetesting to hear what u say, oh thanku for coming etc. recently taken on the task of my elderly mother's care. When she hugged me and said thanku for coming, i could not feel any genuine love just neediness...sigh
My husband and three children moved to a small town to support my covert narcissistic mother and father who were caring for my dying brother who was mentally and physically handicapped. Our income dropped by 50% and our children grieved their losses and were isolated. We had many health challenges, but my parents were never grateful and my mother slandered us to all, including or two older married daughters who rejected us altogether and now keep their children from us, to punish us forever. One of them was my mother's favoured golden child and I was her scapegoat. We survived and are recovering now. Moved away when my mother died, learned about narcissism and living a new life.
My son is severely developmentally disabled and I’m a full time caregiver. This enabled me to not have to care for my narcissistic mother who’s now 90 and has dementia. My brother is her primary care giver. My sister is the golden child and drops in to visit. Fortunately I live 1400 miles away now. It’s been a blessing.
Yep. I am a self-supported disabled person living on a full pension. My parents and sister thought I was going to be my parents full time carer because you know I am no longer working......... and not only that I was being treated like I was deficient because I was you know disabled. Nah. I have cut them out of my life. It was a real revelation how toxic your family origin can be
My Mother (now dead) and my (soon to be ex-) husband. It’s starting to become a huge relief that my narcissistic husband has now plugged into a new relationship, though he has targeted someone who (I thought was) a friend for many years. To no longer feel any responsibility for his welfare, or to justify myself to him/gain his approval is making me feel lighter day by day.
This is exactly what I needed to hear - thank you so much 🙏 I had my borderline narcissistic mother in my care for a few weeks and I became so sick … I literally returned her to condemned home and told the social worker I want nothing more to do with her - her delusional demise is her own to suffer.
This video is right on the mark! My 88 year old narcissist mother with dementia is a constant stressor for me as it's me taking her to appointments, grocery shopping, banking because I am the only sibling. I feel numb when I am with her and try not to let her guilt trips of not doing anything for her make me feel guilty. In the meantime, I have gardened for her, washed her outside windows, vacuumed the house etc. The dementia makes it worse as she constantly phones me and says she can't find anything, whether its a pair of scissors or a bunch of plastic bags, she will blame my husband for taking them. I realize when the time comes and she is gone that I will not receive any deathbed apology but I would like to think that I can let her know how I felt all through my life....
This is amazing! I have never heard a more straightforward and comprehensive veiw on the subject of caring for a narcissist parent. Roots are deep and I now realize what was going on from childhood. You are so on point. I believe my mental health is compromised and WAS when I was brought up. Looking after my 85 year old Mom has been devastating to my mental and physical being and there is absolutely no reason for it. I want the best for her. I want her to be happy. I want her to be independent as long as possible. I am making sure that is happening but it's the same old belittling, triangulation with siblings who are now out of the picture now that Dad is gone, and she has unrealistic goals based on my support. Being 60 with a wife she hates. No fun. No one else is helping. You know the story well as I can tell.
Wow, it’s so sad my reality. He’s never going to die, I was joking around w/someone who gets it and that was the punch (in the gut)line. Being a empath, and knowing why I am today is priceless. I’m not a victim anymore and, yup here are the tears of joy, thanks doctor R, I see why people fall in love with their therapist. I’ve been looking for answers to this stuff all my life, and doing it solo is been a great/terrifying experience. Vent ! And peace ☮️ to anyone else dealing with this difficult situation.
The elderly narcissist: "God has allowed me to live another day, so I intend to make it everybody's problem"
Fucking 💀💀🤣 when they say if god hasnt killed me yet then its not my time.. or that they dont wanna die yet, its like dammit! 🙄😂
#Toomeantodie.
Sounds accurate
That's comedy gold right there😂🤣👍🏻👍🏻👏🏻.
This statement is GOLD😂
From early childhood, I never knew anything but hatred and contempt from my mother, as well as slapping, beatings, and mental cruelty. I took care of her in her old age. Sometimes I hear people express pity for "the poor old people abandoned in nursing homes whose kids never come to see them." And I wonder how many of them are reaping what they've sown.
I hear that hugs to you ❤️
Exactly.Most of the time there's a REASON why adult children go no-contact with elderly parents.Why would a normal person want to stay away from a parent that offers them unconditional love, emotional support, understanding,etc?In most cases it's because something is very wrong with the parent-child relationship &/or parents themselves.
Totally agree.
@@malwads1836 Very well said. I'm going through this myself for the past 4 years.
Yep!
"I don't want to be a burden on my family." SAID NO NARC, EVER!
I wish I could give this 100 likes
Or they say it but go on to do the exact opposite
My narc mom says this, but she doesn't mean it! She says it to sound pious!
My narcissist husband says it but he doesn't mean it.
Or if they say it, its only for them to hear back. No your not. I would never say that though, I just stay silent and don't feed into the pitty party.
The horrible truth is that they would NEVER care for you!
My mother helped some even though my son took me most of the time when I had cancer. She constantly yelled and belittled me. I think she was upset when the Dr. said he got it all after the surgery and it didn't spread.
Absolutely true x
I firmly believe narcissists have children for this purpose
Me too!
good point. I was wondering earlier why they have kids to begin with. It's like an inconvenience most of the time.
True!
Yes it is reprehensible and very painful to discover as an adult of narcissistic parents why you were brought into this world and that you went your whole childhood without being loved and nurtured
And supply. They think like children, so they can get excited over having kids, but it is a very superficial, self-centered approach
I am 62 and I was caregiving for my 79 year old narcissist mother for the past six years, until I had a heart attack this summer. She told me into the 3rd week (after I had just run to the grocery store for her and taken out her garbage), "I have decided to give you a full six weeks off from doing anything for me to fully recover from your heart attack". I was flabberghasted and then really angry. By the time that I got home, I decided that I would no longer care for her in order to care for myself and not have another heart attack. I told her in a text ,that for six years I have been her Uber, grocery delivery person, Post woman, Garbage woman, package returner, etc. and that she was going to have to make other arrangemnets because from now on I was going to take care of myself and my heart(in more ways than one).
Her reply? "Have a nice life."...I replied back, "Thank you-I will". It has been emotionally difficult because I feel guilt and shame some days, and in a weird way, miss her sometimes, because she wasn't always bad(although that was probably just her manipulating me), but anyways, my life has been much more peaceful and I am working on healing physically as well as emotionally.
Good for you !
It's mindblowing when you see who they really are. Glad you are taking care of yourself. A healthy parent would be happy to see their adult child do that.
Ah, this total resonated with me, I'm only 35 and realizing this is me too with both my parents. I've realized I've lived my life in service to them and their needs at the expense of not only myself, my career but most importantly my own kids and husband. I'm always the "fixer", the one that runs around to do "all their things", my dad collapsed one night (they live far away in the bundus), because he has lost weight and his blood pressure medication hadn't been adjusted and so he fainted. My mother phoned me screaming at the top of her lungs "find me a fucken house now, im not fucken dealing with this here" (they're rich). I dropped all my clients losing my income running around organizing house views for them- probably around 20 of them- "nothing was good enough". She does this type of thing to me at three times a year, and smaller versions every few weeks. My brother is off living his best life in the same town as me always on holiday, blowing his money with zero responsibility. I've got a family of 4 to look after and live pay check to pay check, but the responsibility and especially the "goving of time and effort" always falls on me. Anyway, we have since decided immigrate for the health and we'll being of my nuclear family.
@@jeans398 Good for you! To hell with those parasites. Best of luck to you. May you live well, in peace.
I'm facing this reality soon. I've decided that when it happens, she will be in a retirement facility that she will pay for and get her care and not continue to use me as a slave. I will sometimes visit but not too often to protect myself from her emotional & verbal abuse and weird games but I can't bring her into my home and give up my life which is exactly what would happen.
When my narcissistic father finally died, my mom and I could not have been more relieved and happy. Best thing he ever did for us.
I hope you took a cruise to celebrate, or something.
There's a new holiday "Deathmas"... It's a lot like Christmas😉😁🤭.
@@malwads1836 OMG, that's great 😂
It's such a relief to see someone else who knows this truth! Since my husband passed, I've come to look at it as an Honorable Discharge. And as my MS symptoms improve, I really perceive what danger I was in.
I am anticipating the death of my mother, I will have a party as she burns in hell
A couple of months ago, I agreed to take care of an elderly woman whose daughter told me she had "mild" dementia. Well, the beech was a full-blown narcissist -- and after a week of her abuse, I told her daughter that I was leaving; but I agreed to take care of her dad for a week until a replacement could be found.
So I was taking the narc's husband for a walk, grocery-shopping, to the gym, etc., and the beech was incensed! So what did she do? She told everyone in her family -- including the home-health nurse -- that I was having an affair with her 84-year-old husband in order to get me to quit before the week was over.
They aim below the belt, guys -- NEVER underestimate them. 🥊
Hahaha that's why they called it dementia. I mean 84 years old... Unless it was Keanu Reeves or Brad Pitt...well, let's just say she wouldn't make it in a court room 😆
My cousin told me first thing my mom says to the home health care agency is, "i would like her [the carer] to address me as "Mrs. Hashimoto"". God, this topic makes me want to be white!
@@pebblebrookbooks4852 Reminds me of the song "She blinded me with Science." (2:55) "Good Heavens, Miss Sakamoto -- you're beautiful!" 😄
ua-cam.com/video/V83JR2IoI8k/v-deo.html
84? Most men can’t get it up after 60? Anyone believing that lie I wouldn’t worry too much about. What a pack of morons
@@lisaaustin4561 Honestly -- if I'm gonna have an affair, It's gonna be with a guy in his 30's; like the narc's grandson! 😁 🏋️♂️
The Golden Child is a narcissists too. I moved 3000 miles away from these creeps and I'll stay there
I hope that you will learn more about the complex and conflicted realities for 'golden children', and the millions of different people this term represents. we can be deeply empathic, prone to narcissistic abuse (and abuse by the 'scapegoats') and can be the ones to bear the brunt of caregiving for the ailing narcissist (as has happened to me more than once). please be careful with your mass-generalizations - not helpful on a site where we are all trying to learn about these dynamics and hold 'safe space' for one another to find and express our own truths, and learn from one another.
@@devidaughter7782:
Finally someone said it!
I myself was, as a little boy, the "golden child", but my (eldest) brother, who was the "scapegoat", was - and still is - highly abusive and manipulative towards me.
It was me, the "golden child", who saw my personal life fade away and become a codependent - not my "scapegoat" brother.
It was me, the "golden child", who found myself in a position of caregiver for my narcissistic father, after my mother's death.
@@CarlosDelgado-br9qg yes, these 'roles' are much more nuanced and complicated than a simplistic cardboard template. in my experience, the 'golden child' bears the burden of the anger, resentment and even contempt of those who aren't put in this role, and can spend a lifetime trying to compensate for the 'privileged position' they were put into, and trying to prove their 'humility'. I think in a way that the child who is overtly rejected by the narc has it easier, because they can more easily get mad at the narc, and make this separation, whereas the golden child becomes (trauma) bonded to the narc, perhaps for decades or even a lifetime!
@@devidaughter7782: Exactly! It's like the old methaphor of the frog and the boiling water.
If a frog is put suddenly into boiling water, it will jump out; but if the frog is put in tepid water, which is then brought to a boil slowly, it will not perceive the danger and will be cooked to death.
@@devidaughter7782 I don’t mean to invalidate but until you’ve been in the role of family scapegoat you will never know how deadly it often is. Scapegoats lives are usually fully destroyed and they commit suicide more than the others. They live in psychiatric institutions most often too, especially if both parents are narcissistic.
My mother is getting to this point and she is aggressively trying to move in with me. She is trying her best to avoid having to move in with my golden child sister, who is also a narcissist. Mother knows she will not be treated well there, nor will she be able to extract supply from my sister who is a narc on steroids!! She is mean, selfish and completely apathetic. I refuse to take on this responsibility even if it means I am cut out of the will. I would rather have, peace, health, and happiness over an inheritance that I may not get anyway!! Let the narcs take care of each other. I choose peace.
Good on you!! And congrats on cutting the chord. I have only one mantra that I have taught myself to repeat every time I have a moment of weakness, feel nostalgic, get selective memory loss or generally feel warm n fuzzy and that mantra is “No mercy”. I keep repeating “no mercy” till that feeling passes away and I am back to reality. 😀😂
@@evaluna8100 Thank you for the encouragement. I can't do it! I can't sacrifice my life and sanity for someone who suck the life out of me and leave me shriveled up like a dry raisin! And for what? To fulfill their insatiable need for supply? After the narcissist essentially destroys you, they will nonchalantly move on to find new supply... I mean since your dead and all. They gotta keep it moving. Sounds harsh & unbelievable to those who do not understand the disorder, but it is a REAL thing! We all wish it wasn't. Sigh. Just say no to narcs! I'm done with my rant. 🙊
Best decision you’ll make, do no waver!
Mine wanted me to move in with her and sell my home. I have a lot of equity but I'd rather be broke then live with her.
Just wanted to say that it was only when I became a caregiver - and was tearing my hair out with her behaviour - that I Googled "Habitual lying" and stumbled on the whole description of Narcissism. Literally, I cried with relief when I realised the problem wasn't my failure to cope with her....
Me too...it was such an awakening
Your not alone you can learn how to deal
With them
With
Looking after you first
Zl
I still vividly remember the 💡 moment when I happened to look up "mean behavior" on Google 6+ years ago & first 👀 the DSM criteria for NPD pop up in the results,it completely shifted my entire perspective🥲.It was a perfect match for my narc father & explained everything so clearly...The turmoil & tears in my childhood finally made sense.I'll always be so grateful for the mental health field folks on here that are making this info readily available to the general public for free🙂.
Me too. I thought she had dementia , then realised she has done this my whole life- but I wasn't her prime supply then so it wasn't as bad then .
Being a nurse in a new relationship with a narcissist is truly the biggest dilemma I have ever faced. Fighting that inner compassion was truly a struggle. The sooner you can stop playing that therapist/saviour role, the better. Sending resilience to anyone going through a similar situation 🤞
🙏❤️
Nurses should get training in this area
It’s like having sympathy for the Devil.
Yes most all think its just normal elderly behavior! They don't see how no matter what you do for them it's never enough!!
Thank you!
She died in my arms unexpectedly last summer. It was a long hard road. I dont ever want to be stuck as a caregiver for anyone ever again. I'm still exhausted. Its been almost a year. I am still drained depressed and exhausted. I never had kids cause i I didn't want to be a caregiver. Oh and then me having to pay out of MY savings to bury her. That really pissed me off. She refused to preplan and many times told me that if she died just dont pay them. I laughed in disgust and said it doesn't work that way, they have to be paid! Ill bet theres a lot of narcissists that dont have preplanning in place. They shite on everyone in life and after they pass away and also make them clean up their homes, DEEP CLEAN THEIR HOUSE...her bathroom took me 4 days to fix and clean...donate their belongings to thrift shops, get rid of ALL their broken furniture that they never saw anything wrong with it...finances and funeral expenses when they pass away. They make you clean up after them in life and in death. It never ends.
Caregiving for a narcissist can be very difficult. It can feel as though you are working against them, rather than working with them. Narcissists are paranoid and untrustworthy. They always feel like you are out to get them.
OMG 🙏💕
the word you're looking for is "untrusting"
"Was ich selber denk und tu, trau ich jedem andren zu!" (What I think and do myself, I wouldn't put it past everybody else.)
And they always feel like everyone is after their money
You just described my mom. 😥
Narcissism, dementia, hypchondriac + paranoia = very hard to deal with
Oh god yes
My mom to a T
@@salty_witchmine too 😢!!
🎯
It's spelled MY MOM NOW 😢😢😢
I was also the scapegoat who had to take care of my ill mother. I was only 14 when it started. She felt completely entitled to my help, even though I started failing at school, had no friends, was completely isolated from everybody. When I told her I couldn't do this anymore because it was killing me she told me to suck it up and stop complaining. "It's not like you have anything to do anyway, you're just sitting at home all day and failing at school. Make yourself useful." She died when I was in my early twenties. It was a second chance at life.
Edit: Btw I also didn't get the deathbed apology/gratitude I was hoping for. Insted she told me on her last day of life that she was disappointed in the person that I had become and that I did nothing but hurt her all her life. NOT what I was hoping for. But it's what I got.
Wow, I'm glad you replief early.... I'm 59.5, and it's still happening. No partner, lost all the good ones. And no job that I can feel good in. I have jumped every time. I hate this!
OMG. Im very sorry to hear that.
Bless your heart!
God sees and cares. Jesus has always been there for me. Thru narc parents, narc siblings, narc in laws, narc husband. Now I am free from all of them. He gave me 2great kids and 3 gbabies. Be free dear one, give your life to Him, He will restore all the years the locusts have eaten!! He loves like no other! He loves you!
So sorry you had to experience that.
Cared for my narcissist husband for 3 years when he had cancer. He died. The feeling of relief was tremendous. This video describes it exactly.
Wow I have had relief 14 years not speaking to ex narc husband. He much older than me and today he is alone, not in good health with a load of money.
Some people think you were probably so upset not realizing you finally got the relief you needed. I understand.
I took care of my narc mom for 5 years. She died 6 months ago however I am still recuperating from the madness. It is like the toxin is slowly draining out of my poor body. It’s going to take awhile to get back to me again
It never completely goes away. You eventually just learn to cope with it.
I hope you took yourself on a nice holiday, or to a spa.
Poor dear,treat yourself with kindness...You should get a nice 🎂 to celebrate the nightmare being done & also to celebrate your own self for who you are🙂👍🏻. Narcs have no gratitude for being parents...So we have to learn to appreciate our own selves.
Mine feel ill and i woke up yesterday and realized the last five years of my life have been taken from me while dealing with her issues once again. I was almost free.
Im.so sorry I understand exactlywhatbyou are saying .
Absolutely right the golden child is nowhere to be seen when the going gets tough 👏🏻👏🏻
Yep, my golden child sister only calls my mom to either ask for a favor/money or to support her behavior. 😡
Last time the golden child called was asking is she dead yet? I wish I could tell her.🤣🤣
I don't agree. The golden child can be very dominant and shut you off from an aging parent.
@@kimlarsson7259 I’d have happily accepted that given our situation but yes you’re right, it’s another strategy isn’t it. (If this is what you’re dealing with please look after yourself too).
The golden child, my sister, also a narc, was his flying monkey.
I'm a caregiver to a narcissistic parent and you just described my exact situation
Doesn’t it make you feel better to know you’re not alone? That’s how I feel! Finally learning that it’s not me, it’s totally in them for how they’re behaving!
“But this is our culture”
Thank you Dr. Ramani. I am 78 and I live a disability. Aside from the usual age-related infirmities, I suffered a viral infection in my brain 8 years ago. It has destroyed my balance and affected my speech a little. I fall frequently, broken arm, rotator cuff injury etc.
My narcissistic 87 year old spouse has never acknowledged that this happened and has been just as demanding and critical as before. When I had excruciating pain after a knee replacement, he had no sympathy, told me, you wanted it, you live with it. I signed myself out of the hospital 18 hours after the surgery in order to look after everything at home. After 45 years of his angry outbursts, I was so conditioned to keep peace at any cost. He is now starting to show signs of dementia and I dread what lies ahead for me. I worked with ww2 veterans for 13 years, many of whom had dementia and I am no stranger to this disease. One of my guys was 89 and was the sweetest man ever, even apologizing when he couldn't remember things. The other man was 92 and the polar opposite, angry,demanding and ungrateful. I think I know which way my narc will be and I dread it. The silver lining to this is that I found your channel and the wonderful advice and information I get from you and your other readers. I no longer feel so alone, I know that there are many others out there, just like me. They know, they understand. No lengthy explanation required. No being looked at skeptically. I have been able retrieve something from deep down inside of me that I thought was gone forever.
I have found a quiet resolve to take back some of what was taken away from me over the years. Nothing major has occurred but somehow I think he senses a shift, I am no longer cowed by his outbursts as before. I no longer scurry off to "fix" things. I still try to keep peace in the house and work around not setting him off, but my frenzy to please at all costs, has been replaced by quiet determination to be treated more fairly. The road ahead won't be easy but you have given me the strength to face it. I'm back, thanks in no small part, to you.
God's Peace to you - you deserve it!
Your words nade me cry. .
😢 so many years stollen from us.Im 47 and nearly half the century Im doing nothing but traying to recover from my fathers abuse.It was bruttaly fizical , emotional and pshyhological..now he's (only)82 and 2cancers and dementia with agressive paranoia wanted to move in with me.I refused for all the costs , 2weeks ago I decided I cant tolerate it any more ,and went no contact/grey rock.I still feels guilt ,shame and judgment from others .
I still miss myself. I wonder who would we be if we didn't had to endure this. I wish to give you a bih hug and tell hold on 🙏💪🤗
Thank you for sharing your comment and life experience. 🙏 it helps so much ❤
“They often do live a lot longer than the rest of us.” That made me laugh as I just said that about my parents….. Thank you so much for this video. Wow! I don’t feel as alone after watching it! I truly was laughing out loud (as in “oh! Yes!) because of the relief!
I wrote off my mother from my life after confronting her about the abuse and neglect she inflected me during my childhood. She denied, minimized, and finally blamed me. I told her I wouldn't take care of her as she grew older because she didn't change and I owe myself peace. There's no way that I'm going back to her hell or anyone else's. I know what kind of people I want close in my life, no matter what. This is my right to choose that and any person who criticizes this can take care of her. I feel sorry for her to be as she is and her life is not my fault.
Edit: thank you very much to all, for sharing your amazing stories of resilience and courage! I'm sending you all the positive vibes you need to continue to move on.
It’s been a week since I cut my narc mother out of my life. I too confronted her and she lost it and started insulting me, for some reason I wasn’t afraid to defend myself. I think she was angry that I stood up for myself. I have served her all my life and she doesn’t appreciate me. I have a beautiful family and I am starting over and will find love in my home. I will not continue to be unhappy because of her. She doesn’t deserve my love. I am happier now, but still feel guilty about the confrontation. But I will not break no contact.
It's been 2 years since I started cutting her off. I didn't confront her but I keep frustrating all the monkeys, when you frustrate the monkeys you potentially destroy the control of the Narcissistic mother.
K Mtz I too have started standing up for myself and confronting some of her abusive behavior saying things to her like “what a disgusting thing to say” or “can you hear yourself right now?” or my favorite “I feel sorry for you.” I just started a new relationship and he is the guy I should have been with my whole life instead of the abusive guys I’ve attracted in the past, and my narc mom usually tries to throw wrenches in all her kids relationships, especially mine so they end, and I end up moving back in with her. But not this time. I’ve been grey rocking her and she can’t stand it. She keeps asking me why I’ve been acting so different and why I seem to have a “chip on my shoulder” when it comes to her. Last night she told me “I want you to act sweet and loving towards me from now on, even if that’s not how you feel.” A grown ass adult, you’re gonna tell me how I should act and feel, I see. She thinks we should all just take her abuse with a smile and not defend ourselves in any way because she does and pays for xyz. When I leave here, it will be for the last time, and I won’t be taking any help, furniture, anything that can cause her to be able to hold anything over my head. And I’ll be damned if I am ever her caregiver. She made her bed.
Amen, and amen.
No contact with narcissist mother, sisters, ex, and sweet enabling father was the most difficult and emotionally wrenching act I've done.
And I would have done it sooner if I had realized the calm serenity of the life I now live. I am planning for retirement in Portugal in a few years, with me, myself and I---I can't wait!
James M I am truly sorry about what you have endured with your mom. I am glad that you are strong enough to walk away, it is not easy, I know how you feel coz I have been through hell. When I got married and moved into my new apartment with my hubby and then 3year old son, my mom offered to give me some of her furniture and I said thank you, but I’ll manage. My husband couldn’t understand why I didn’t accept her ‘generous offer’. I told my husband that was just her way of getting control, that she will soon use it to get something from me. You think they’ll eventually relies they are wrong, but that day never comes with narcs. I am very proud of you for defending yourself. Stay strong and do not allow her to manipulate you back into her routine. Good luck😊
I have been no contact with my narc mother since 2013. She lives in a retirement home / assisted living place. They can take care of her. I will not.
Parents get old, and there is a passing of the npd torch to the next generation of toxic family members. Leave the circus before you become the trained elephant who forgets his own strength. When you get out, the aftermath will feel as heavy as an elephant. And, much like an elephant, you'll most likely never forget. Remember you are seemingly in a dark tunnel, you must keep going, never give up, even when it's hard, try everything you possibly can with determination, because you will see light and you will feel light again. Restoration is possible. A quote: Churchill said, "If you're going through hell, keep going".
I finally had to “retire” from my required job description within my rules®ulations narcissistic family system. I’m in my 60’s with my own grown family who all have been raised with the freedom to choose how they wish to live as adults. Meanwhile I’ve felt a boa constrictor N. Mother squeezing me tighter and tighter to the point of my finally deciding I need to escape! I’ve had over 2 months of no contact, and this had to include my siblings. I’m never getting anywhere close to those false job requirements again. My brain has felt like it’s my own again in these detached months- like a pleasant breeze has been airing it out. Thank you so much for this affirming post Dr. Ramani.
This is SO true. They set up other family members and friends to continue to abuse you 💯💯💯
@@suzannesmith5339 good for you!! 🕊🕊🕊
@@Oceans780 Keep Going. Never give up. You will find a way.
Very well said! Here we are animal rights activists expected to survive our own parents torturing us, now I'm preparing to deal with a tearless day when mom dies as I know my adult daughter will be quite sad, cried a whole 12 (6 per eye) when my dad died though!
The narc in my life told me recently that she only had me to take care of her in her old age (I’ll be 70 next year) and expects me to leave my disabled partner, whom I’ve been married to for 30 years, and move back across country to take care of her. I could no longer take the long distance abuse and have gone no contact, after the physical abuse, neglect and lack of empathy she has doled out since I was a child. I am currently working with a therapisr who helped me realize that there is nothing “wrong” with me and that my missing sense of self came from being her idea of who I should be….the extension of her. She damaged me long ago and now, at this stage of my life, it’s time to work on me.
👍👍👍👍
You really nailed it. The isolation of caregiving for a narc with dementia is enough to make you constantly question reality, especially since they can still pull it together for outsiders in the early stages. Would love so much more on this topic just for comfort sake...these videos are my touchstones for keeping sane. 💜
Right? Her videos are so helpful for letting me know that I’m not alone in the full on war with trying to do “the right thing” while my golden child brother lives three hours away and is too busy to visit. Only visiting twice in 8 years……
I am feeling the exact same way. I am helping to care for my narcissistic father in law with mild dementia. He recently had a stroke and my Husband and I are caring for him. I watch him pull it together too when we take him and his dog for a walk and run into neighbours. He’s having a harder time now . I feel for you and completely understand.
Had to leave 9 years ago. It became a horribly toxic situation. Had to run.
I was 40 (!) Before my therapist kind of convinced me, that I didn't have to "honor my mother" that much, due to her emotional abuse.
@Dzsamila # yes, it is *very* sad. It took me 15 years to recover from my ex, and another 16 to learn to love myself and be, "all up to me." Long hard journey ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ I empathize so much with you.......leaving is the first step to becoming independent, though ❤️❤️❤️❤️ you are so VERY brave, to strike out on your own!!!! Be PROUD of yourself, for you are so courageous. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
@@pamelabergnerbergner5093 I was 46!!!
Elizabete Nunes 46 must be the age of awakening! 😻
Pepps33 47 here! I guess wisdom
Yeah, well, no contact is the healthy solution. No matter how difficult it is to achieve. No one has the right to abuse others and the abuse leaves effects on us that sabotage our success in life, no matter how much we become aware of the process. Go no contact. Leave them to social services
Well said, and may I add 'asap' to your 'leave them to social services' advice.
I agree. I'm not caring for my narcissistic mother, ever. She needs to feel the effect of being a horrible, disgusting mother. I'm giving her the same as what she gave me when I was a child. That's what nursing homes are for.
I agree. Let social services take care of it. We are not obligated to put ourselves in harm's way AGAIN!! 1 Corinthians 15:33
Yes I've been in error to try to keep her from her own made fate. Further making myself sicker. Karma is here.
Fanon Frantz - Not all in social services are 😇😇😇 either; hopefully, water will seek its own level.
My narcissistic mother refused to acknowledge her mortality at the end of life.
Yes, she got worse with time. The less control, the more vicious. It was very sad to witness her decline.
This was me a few years ago, i looked at care giving as precious time with my mother, but i put my foot down when it came to cleaning the house as there was another adult in the house as well, after my mother past away i was getting my hair done the hairdresser started taking about my mother and the mental child she had "thats me the mental one "that wouldn't clean her house, my mother had everyone convinced i was mentally unwell, one week before my mother died i told her when she goes so do i ,i left 4 brother's behind ,on the day she died the adult in the house while my mother was lying dead the adult snatched her purse, I'll take that he said , so disrespectful i was disgusted, i kept too my word i left the house when my mother left with the undertakers, thriving now better off without all the madness, in a new life full of happiness, joy loving me for the first time in my life, i understand myself more ...
what a horrible thing you have experienced
You’re already taking care of her and she bad mouths you because you didn’t want to clean her house? I would have left and rented an apartment across the country
@fmitton thank you. Take care.
@@dianne7250 thriving now, but most importantly am healing.with no regrets..take care .
@Wednesday's Child rise above, the truth will always come out in the end ,as we learn not too give a flying monkeys what others think or say ,thats self empowerment, take care thrive because there's nothing else to do.
OMG you got that spot on. I cared for my narcissistic mother for 11 years with no break because she wouldn't 'allow' it. I lived in with her - big mistake. Yes dementia was there in the end, my health has suffered considerably and continues to, yes siblings got equal share of her house after she passed this year. No one helped me out but are more than happy to take their share of her estate. Within the first 6 months I knew I should've walked away but couldn't bring myself to abandon her. I was ill in front of her very eyes but she didn't acknowledge it. I didn't understand it was narcissistic behaviour till the final year. I wish I researched it earlier on. My advice is don't do it !
My 💭 s exactly!I hope you cherish every lovely day & give yourself a kind pat on the shoulder for your unappreciated but kind deeds🫂👍🏻.There needs to be more awareness about this stuff...I recently warned my mom that she'll likely be stuck tending to my narc dad in his old age & that he'll likely be even more terrible,I 💭 she deserved to know what she may be in for.Hopefully he just drops dead on her sometime soon so she won't have to do that thankless job😮💨.I won't blame her if she lets him get extreme diaper-rash🙄.
I am in that position , was/ am the scapegoat ,have narcissistic entitled siblings ,and I will be left homeless when she dies. I fully intend to challenge the will and seek the greatest share of the estate when the time comes because she simply refuses to ask anyone else to do anything for her and she has spent a lifetime destroying my hopes and plans to ensure I ended up her captive audience.I told them to call her occasionally, they attacked me for that, so the consequences are their own fault.
@@robinantonio8870 Contesting a Will is very difficult. I was advised that a court will only look at 2 things: 1 Was the person of sound mind when they made the Will. 2 And were they coerced into it. That's it - they're not interested in who said what to who, who did what or what anyone thinks should happen. A Will is final and you can't change it unless you've got bullet proof evidence. And the money to pay for it. That's the legal advice I was given. I have been forced to put the house on the market by my sibling even though I have nowhere to go. The property market is dire here and I can't afford to buy or even rent. If the shoe was on the other foot I would never have done that to them.
@@malwads1836😂 I am so sorry but your diaper rash comment made me laugh so much!
@@miriamroche671 not the case here. Because she coerced me into living with her and I am now financially dependent on her for a roof over my head, I am legally entitled to more because I am dependent. The law may not care about her mistreatment of me but it does allow for my greater need sincd I will otherwise be homeless and will have to suicide if I dont have the funds . Which is fine by me after a lifetime of hell thanks to my family. That I consider it compensation for that hell and servitude to her is irrelevant to the court, I will still get more because of my dependence on her for a roof.
I have never felt so validated and seen for what I go through
My mother 85yo is so demanding and angry and never satisfied ! I am the scapegoat and God I want to run away!
Totally 🌺
🎯
I hear you. We each take out some time at a motel room to get away for some peace for a couple of days. We still have to come back to the madness, but it’s important to take time out from them
Same I feel your pain. I'm so happy at work then I come home and my sad cloud comes back. I dread going inside my own house.
Do it! If the tables were reversed she'd drop you in a heartbeat and would never look back. Do it!
13:50 most thankless job on earth 💯 God is watching though.
Between the ages of 5-11 years old, I was the caregiver for my grandmother after school every day. My parents both worked and I was an only kid. My grandmother was unable to walk, not so good as swallowing, needed lots of pain and anxiety meds (RA), never left the house and sucked the joy of life out of me. Never said thank you, none of the family members ever did. As an adult, when people talk about the challenges of caregiving, I still have to leave the room.
mac4830, that is horrible. You shouldn't have been put in that position!
It's not just the narcissism--no child should be thrust into an adult responsibility, and for several years, no less! 😢
thanks, always speak up if you see a kid shouldered with a nurse's work--it could help the child a lot@@ramoth777
God bless you. May Angels uplift you
I am a caregiver by profession. I give clients up that get abusive with me when I can not manage to be detached any more and they don't respect my boundaries. I don't get paid enough for that.
Wow this is me taking care of my narcissistic, selfish mother. She doesn't know I'm moving out next year I have been quietly getting my life together. Thank You For This Video Doc. My Mother is mentally and emotionally in a wheelchair, been there her whole life.
RenewalWon Good job, I am proud of you that you have the strength and the courage to leave!
@@Ropecharud Thank You!
So wonderful that you will be leaving. No guilt. Living with the narcissistic parent is like living with a monster in a cave. There is never peace or safety. Stay with your plan, keep it close to your chest, and do not underestimate their power over you. And when you finally do leave, DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES LOOK BACK at the narcissist you have left.
Good job, please don't go back, dont attempt to try to see how she is , just totally no contact even when she comes to their dying breath. Free yourself totally if u can.
@@Captain-Cosmo Thank You So Much Michael, I really needed to hear this
They also sabotage their children in the warped hope they'll never leave and be forced to caregive. Example, going to a job interview covered in "accidentally" spilled ice cream courtesy of the narcissist.
This was indeed their plan with me, you can't imagine the shouts from my sister Golden child and from my mother main narc, stronger than my father at the moment..
Now my sis has been caught in the care.. She seems genuinely linked.. I do feel to love them for the good they have been andore for the wonderful parents and Sis they could have been and I never met.this sxxt of Narcissism took away from me all my family, and I always watch out it will not take away also my soul..
It's a plague the human specie should become conscious of ASAP cause this literally steal our Souls from God..
My mother was very successful to keep my small. I'm a member of MENSA, yet was not able to get through university because of all the shame I have in myself for trying to improve my life. Whenever I try to do something only I profit from, like sports, healthy eating, studying, ... I feel awful like a total egoist who never cares about other people. I have panic attacks when I try to study. She is dead since many years and I'm still a low-wage worker.
It is Luke that...i know , unfortunately
@@stefaniamirri1112 if you are italian Can we get in touch? I m trying to find and to build a supporto group
This is my life. Caregiver for a parent.
My father told me I had no choice but to take care of him when he got sick. I am the golden child, the scapegoat and the fixer. I will never do it again.
Hopefully you now realise that you have a choice
@@mcm9619 you actually don't always have a choice :(
Unless you manage to get into witness protection. Even on the other side of the planet - they can follow you to the grave (and not necessarily theirs).
@@anna2belle783 mine tried to set up this situation. Follow me to another city. SET IT UP. I'm Blocking it now with my life choices. 🤣🖕
@@AngelKrystalStar Good luck!🍀😊
@@anna2belle783 thank you! At least when we understand what they're doing then we can act differently.
Currently caring for my ill narcissistic husband and it’s an absolute nightmare. The entitlement, the drama, the manipulation and lack of empathy towards me is infuriating! I have saved this video and I watch it at least twice per week so I don’t lose my mind.
I couldn't have described my own situation any better...... exactly the same..... God bless you for all you do n all you are going through....
@@BamaBelleOpinesit’s crazy isn’t it? When Dr Ramini said narcissists donmt plan for their own demise, she is 100% correct! My husband doesn’t have life insurance so I’m scrambling to find ways to pay for his car and our home, on top of everything else!
I hope you are doing well despite everything and that you have a good support system to assist you during such a difficult time!
Put him in a nursing home. If the tables were reversed he'd leave you in a heart beat.
Actually, I took care of them for me. I was able to task my heart and head into believing my parent was now my patient and treat them as such. I expected nothing in return. When they passed I could look back with no regrets that I didn't do what my best. A visiting nurse was getting ready to take some blood, she stretched the rubbed thing they put around the arm and said in a whisper, "may we should put this around is neck". We both had a good chuckle. I suddenly realized that "it wasn't me", others could feel it too.
I have been a elderly in-home health worker for most of my working life. After the chuckle with the nurse I decided to apply the care giver/ patient relationship to my parent relationship. It didn't take long before I was felling so much better. My advice to anyone going through a care giving relationship is to treat it like a nurse would and just nod and smile, then continue about your tasks.
I did it for me too. For my own sort of moral code, she could pass and I didn't owe her a thing, I also stayed objective, mostly, she slept a lot so that was good, but when she was awake she was like a selfish child, would do things like throw stuff on the floor, dirty kleenex for example, when she was through with them, the basket was within easy reach. Like a princess with a servant. But she died owing me thanks, not the other way around, and I have adult children, so I think I set a good example, and luckily she died after 3 mo. so it didn't go on for years. I would have returned home at the end of the next month. The other narcissists didn't say thanks, not one of them, so I don't deal with any of them any more, it was a really horrible experience, colon cancer, projectile vomiting poop all over, lot's and lots of cleaning and laundry, but in the end it worked out.
Good advise!!! Thank you.
People who can get this kind of mental / emotional / cognitive distance from an unhealthy parent /child dynamic can do excellent care, people who can't though really shouldn't.
Thank you for the advice. I am about to go into the lions den as both of my parents are being released from rehab, my father fell and broke his neck and my mother had knee surgery. I live in NC and they live in FL. My mother has asked me to come to help. My father has always been a narcissist but now his emotions are amplified. I was speaking with my mother the other night and could hear him yelling at the nurse and could hear his rage.
Thank you, this is one very good practical advice!
I watch this to remind myself growing up as a scapegoated and parentified caregiver, why i should never break NC with my mother.
Thank you a lot. How relieving❤
Take heed of the warning Dr. Ramani has given. It happened to me. My health and finances were destroyed. The time away from work to take 24/7 care of my parent resulted in my social security retirement benefits being half of what I had anticipated. The government uses your last 10 years of earnings to calculate your benefit. So it's not just the fact that you weren't earning anything for years, it's that the 40 years you paid into the system gets erased.
I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you. I can relate to your situation.
Run run seriously
We should all take care of our family members, but not narcissists.
The movie Joker is the best example.
(Spoiler below)
Arthur spends all his life to give care for his mother, but finds out she has a narcissistic personality disorder, abused Arthur, severely damaged his brain and gave a serious disability for his entire life. So Arthur decides to kill her.
(To be precise, his mother didn’t stop the abuse from his boyfriend, but it’s the same.)
We shouldn’t be Arthur.
We should go no contact ASAP and never see them.
They never appreciate your care, take it for granted, and demand more and more.
You take care of narcissistic parents, ruin your life and you die early.
In my country, you go to jail if you are exhausted, can’t take care of your parents anymore, let them die.
So some people go no contact before they need care to avoid jail terms.
Do not care about narcissistic parents.
Go no contact.
They take your care for granted, they never appreciate your care.
They live long, you die early.
Because narcissist parents abuse me 22years, at that time, I did not know they have disorder, I just feel pain I can not bear......so I have a chance for leaving, I decided to leave , that is the best decision I make for my whole life! Although my parents have a chance to say others I do not care them .......I know what is really happen.
💯 need to watch this movie asap
I was watching a crime documentary on this Vietnamese girl. She was raised by narcissistic parents who pushed her to the edge. She had to be a professional ice skater, heading for the Olympics. Then at school a straight A, but she couldn't, so she faked her grades and lived a double life with a boyfriend who was basically a bad influence. At 24, the parents found the truth and threatened to cut off support unless she returned in inclosure to study and get those A's. She basically got rid of the parents with the help of her bf who hired some thugs to fake a robbery gone wrong. She got caught by the detectives. This is not where anyone wants to be so again zero contact is good. Narcissists will make you feel hopeless, and hopelessness can turn humans into monsters out of despair and need for revenge
@@myfriendscallmek2745 she Tonya Hardinged her parents 🤣. Sorry that's not funny but it's what totally happens with people!!!
@@AngelKrystalStar 🤣 i feel so bad for laughing but a lot of people don't get what narcissistic parents can do to their children
This situation came up with my narcissist mother. My narcissistic sister has lived with or across from my mom and dad for 50 years but when my dad died and mom started smashing her windows out with her hammer (dementia & NPD), she demanded that I sell my house and move in with mom to take care of mom and my sister?! I live
TWO STATES AWAY, she lives across the street. She tried to shame me, guilt me, gaslight me, then tried the silent treatment. I said "NO".
During my dad's funeral, I had suggested putting Mom in Elder care. My sister said no and went into a narcissistic rage.
When she became sick, she signed paperwork to have Mom put an elder care and became angry with me when I was asking questions about the facility.
I asked her, "What did you think would happen when one of our parents died? You lived with them till you were 38 years old and then across the street from them. Who did you think was going to take care of them?".
She literally told me that she thought "Mom would die first and her and dad would live happily ever after".
My dad was a very kind, codependent man who was being physically abused by my mom and taking advantage of by my sister. I didn't even find out that until after he had passed away. Thankfully I made it away from that narcissistic trap.
I was the scapegoat growing up but no more.
The pure insanity that goes on in the mind of a narcissist. They can turn anything around on you. And there's no seeing logic.
Wow! What can i say...Dr Ramani you've described exactly what i went through while trying to take care of my ailing grandmother who had been neglected by all her children.I brought her to my house and guess what...i became her emotional punching bag,her rage towards me was on another level..i couldn't take it anymore and i returned her to her home and she died few weeks later.This video has given me peace bcoz I've been feeling like I did the wrong thing.
Thankyou Dr Ramani.
You did 100% right.
Well, her severe abuse drove you away.
You tried and in the end you chose to save yourself. That was the right thing to do ♥
What you did was SELF-PRESERVATION & there's nothing wrong with that, it's actually a mark of good health.
I am a registered nurse who has worked in a nursing home. While the majority of patients were sweet and kind, there were a fair number who displayed manipulative, narcissistic behavior. Unfortunately, us nursing staff often found ourselves going above and beyond for these individuals just to keep the relationship with the patient and/or family as peaceful as possible.
I understand what you go through. My 89 y/o mother is the problem and I am also a nurse. I have to calm both her and staff down when she is in a facility.
I'm now looking into nursing care for my mother. She is stage 6 dementia, and stage 7 cannot come quickly enough. Her being a martyr and "independent" is wearing out the in-home nursing staff. To say she is ugly to them is an understatement! Sad to say I'm looking forward to the day she can no longer talk.
I'm a retired nurse and dealing with patent who does not comply with Doctors treatment and orders. 😢 I get really stressed
@@tinagregor638 It's interesting that she has dementia but hasn't forgotten how to be a narc.
Totally true. Wish I had known this before I gave myself over and was totally devalued and not paid for a year and a half of full-time work when I put my life on hold and failed to start a business. My narcissist said I was stealing from them when I asked for a meager wage for only a fraction of the work I did. Instead, they would call me names and say horrible things about me, devalue me, call me worthless, say I was stupid, and cuss me out for two hours while in the same breath would asked me to send gift money to our other family members when those family members had not even visited, let alone done any work. Totally, totally thankless and life-sucking job. I wish I had never done it.
Because of COVID and my 90 year old mom's misery, I sprung her from the nursing home to live with me. It's been two months and I'm over-drinking, gaining weight and ignoring my friends. My 5 siblings says they are WAY too busy to help out. I finally made an appointment with a therapist. My mom isn't the WORST narcissist, but she aint no walk-in-the-park and she sure seems to like to push all my buttons. I love her. I HAVE to figure this out.
With narc parents who have of fake health issues - beware of faking the severity (as was mentioned very delicately with "you don't know if it's narcissism or dementia"), legal issues (lying about how you treat them) and financially (they'll spend money and say you stole it). Also endangerment of others (e.g. reckless driving).
When they're "elderly" they demand all the rights and blame you. E.g. they scream elder abuse to drive and cry I'm old when they get caught - and society blames you!
If a teen without a driver's license would try to take the car, society would support you in telling them NO! When it's an elderly parent, you are evil, disrespect and ingratitude incarnated.
And thank you Dr.R for bringing up this awful, soul-destroying topic.
P.s. also physical violence and serious threats - no one cares when an old lady is physically violent, and it's a real concern that while "pretending" to have a fit (like throwing lit matches because "you have to do as they say") they actually do cause serious damage (since they're even more obnoxious and less agile).
And the lit-match throwing is not made up.
Hide the d... matches. And the car keys.
Thank you for this. I’m a caretaker for my abusively manipulative grandfather and he refuses to pay me what I’m owed (1/10 of usual pay) after 2 full years of work and neglecting myself. I felt bad because my angel of a grandmother died (I was also her hospice caretaker) and didn’t want him to be lonely. My own codependency issues. But he has crushed my soul. No matter what I do. I was raised by a traumatized and narcissistic mother. The only daughter of my grandfather. Only the two of us will ever help him, but she is the only one who gets praise. Ironic, isn’t it. I live with him and have done everything, including his spouse’s hospice care. Hoping one day it will be enough. I’ve never wished for anyone to die, but that thought is there. Now that I’m taking time to myself to plot my next steps (after wasting 2 years of my prime and snowballing my health), he’s angry for not getting attention. Thank you for validating my feelings. My own therapist couldn’t do that. Your videos are so helpful. Bless you.
I’d like to add that I fit the description of the “narcissistic child” and I’ll explain why. I was the oldest of my 3 siblings. Everything was my fault. I had a close relationship with my father and my mother hated that (daughter of narcissistic grandfather). I swear she always held it against me. Crazy controlling. I have compassion for the collapse of a marriage, but I refuse to take responsibility as a kid. I was always isolated and “expected more of.” And I’m positive that’s environmental inheritance. I was just the brunt of it. “Where did I go so wrong with you.” Nowhere. I was always a top student until abusive behavior increased. But I still passed and graduated, even though I wanted to die. I feel so badly for anyone who can relate. I’ve never wanted to forget anything else more in my life.
My younger siblings got new cars, credit cards, free passes, allowed to go out, etc etc. So my expectations of “I’m entitled to the same treatment” comes from that. That includes free rent, car payments, phone payments, everything. I had done it all myself. And I regress to a childlike state around them because of it. Even though I was the one who kept them out of trouble and away from punishment.
I pushed myself so hard for my ex husband to the point I got Fibromyalgia. I was never allowed to get myself needed health care. I was always in charge of the care of the kids, home, pets, laundry, groceries, etc. I did everything and gave my whole body and soul to be treated like crap and betrayed and told all my energy was for nothing. . . . . .
I became the caregiver to my 86 year old "life partner" of 15 years when he got lung cancer after a lifetime of smoking. He was very cranky, took out his frustrations on me, so I told the Hospice Nurse about it, and she gave me some Cymbalta, an SRI antidepressant, to give to him. This made all the difference. I made sure to get him to take one every day, I told him it was for pain, and things got a lot better. He slept better, and stopped yelling and baiting everyone. It saved my sanity.
Doing this WRECKED ME. After 56 years with multiple years of "time outs", caring for my mother, who I loved so much, at the last 3 years of her life, completely derailed me. I didn't want her to be alone and my 3 older brothers hadn't spoken to her in roughly 20 years...don't do it unless you are either super strong, have a death wish, or a GREAT therapist. I became su-cidal all over again in the two years since she died and I had to clean out her home...I am still not "over" it. RIP, Mom, because you sure as hell didn't have peace here on Earth...Im glad I did it, but I am NOT out of the woods yet. I am probably the "fixer" and as a nurse, I couldn't imagine her being anymore alone than she already was. At 84, she had become so...just so bad.
OMG, my husband of 32 years came back to me, for what turned out to be the last 4 months of his life (pancreatic cancer). I dropped everything to take care of him , he was the only person I’ve loved for my entire adult life and we have grown children. I’m glad I did it and although he’s gone almost a year, I’m still hurt by his last admissions about his secret life…it’s heartbreaking to watch someone die, even him
In short, I want to say it again ' Old age is not a shield' and ' Blood relation can mean nothing when it comes to narcs' Please leave the narcs asap when you can, don't feel guilty!
And still you rise! (Love that poem.)
Best advice ever, it's all a big secret until we're here! -"But it's your mother! - "Yes but me thinks she's still strong enough to kill me" I replied to her GP's secretary, she then gave me social services number and I called the secretary months later to once mire thank her for doing so!
But it's far easier said than done.
My narc parents actually were grateful for my caregiving, but they expected too much. They thought my caregiving had to go one forever. They never considered how my caregiving negatively affected my mental and physical health. It took up so much of my personal time and energy that I barely had a personal life. Being with my narc parents also constantly exposed me to their gaslighting and controlling manipulations which they would always deny doing.
I've been taking care of my mom since I was 9 and I am 25 now. I don't know what to do. I can't escape. There's no way out. I don't have anybody and I'm totally wraprpd around her finger. I want to die just to get away from them forever. I have my own mental health issues. I am absolutely incapable of taking care of her but I'm all shes got. I forfeited relationships, jobs, aspirations and hobbies to take care of her. She doesn't see a single thing wrong with herself. She told me point blank I'm supposed to take care of her until I die. But if I keep taking care of her, IM going to die!!!!!!!
Wjat happemed how did u solve😢
Leave.
I am the scapegoat. And my golden boy brother is in New Mexico - across the country & away from my crazy, toxic narcissistic mother. I became a lawyer in order to be able to make sense of the insane world I grew up in. Now - she is looking to me to care for her - she is suffering from dementia now & is even more crazy now.
My parents never planned for their future. It resulted in my demise (picking up the pieces which is a huge understatement). I'm still recovering 7 yrs later from a total physical and mental breakdown from the chaos. Long story.... wouldn't wish it on anyone. My mother is a grandiose Narc.
1 of the worst things about elderly narcs is that they usually haven't planned for old age...My narc father went on MANY trips both around our country & overseas and now he'll never be able to retire,death will be his "retirement"🙄.At 60 he hasn't even paid off the 🏡.I already told my mom that I'm not coming back to clean up his mess when it all implodes.
I can really feel for you here, there's only so much energy left, and you suffer. There are limits. All the best
For me (and everyone else in my family), it’s my narcissistic adult twin sibling. We’re pushing 40, and for all these years, she refuses to learn how to drive, refuses to get a job, refuses to pitch in on any expenses, and scapegoats all of us into taking care of her. I recently had to walk away from my whole family system because my family is enabling her and I’m tired of being gaslighted into enabling her myself. She needs to pull her own weight.
My brother who was a narcissist and lived next door to my mother who also was a narcissist ( he was the golden child) wanted me to come back from the other end of the world to take care of her,I refused and told him it was his duty as he was living next door to her and what about our sister who lived in Paris but did not have a dime to her name,she was not asked to take care of our mother. I was the scapegoat in that "family" since I was a little girl,and left as soon as I could and was not going to come back to be exploited and abused.
Thanks for your message, I also ran away as far as I could but now dreading the old age period.... your words are encouragement to not go back. Thanks.
I was the scapegoat, turned caregiver. I had to give up my own destiny for a person who really never had concerns about my own best interests, in regards to how I wanted to live my life. I've always like a prisoner and a indentured servant for my family.
My jaw almost dropped when you said that it’s the scapegoat who the family looks to to take care of the narcissistic parents. It happened to me. The way it worked out though was that my whole narcissistic family had made me so sick all my life (plus physical assault and other people’s abuse) that I was in a wheelchair and had so many mental and physical health problems I had to say no even though the empath in me still wanted to say yes. I had lived with broken ribs from constantly falling, constant vomiting, constant blackouts, and trips to hospitals of various kinds that I just had to tell them I couldn’t do it and I got the big narcissistic discard from all of them. They knew that I had gone through a lifetime of illnesses but being narcissistic none of that ever seemed to occur to them. As such I got out of nursing my horrible mother. I am convinced that had I taken on the job for my parents I would have died for sure and not a one of them would have cared or put two and two together. Just an early grave for me, the scapegoat...so what. Is it because the scapegoat is considered to be worthless so that’s one way they feel they can put her or him to use? Is it a continuation of their rage towards that person? It’s shocking how non-existent their empathy is.
I so relate to this.
@@kattitude121 me too!!!
They simply expect you to make way for them.Thats how their world works
The scapegoat is expected to do what no one else wants to do.
Interesting topic but as someone who is disabled and have had Narcissistic caregivers I am curious about hearing that as well.
Yes a topic that is often overlooked. A narcissist is not a care taker. Ever. The person with the disability is providing narcissistic supply\fuel. This will take away mutch of the energy you have to spare. Advoid this situation if at all possible. I have seen this in a number of different situations. Take care of yourself.
Peace and Love.
Wow... god bless you. Take care ❤️
I am disabled and lived with a narcisstic partner for 10 years, what eventually made me fall apart was me being less and less independent because I had to care for his needs/narc supply and dealing with his rage every time I mentioned certain topic close to me. One of those thing was keeping a clean house. He found it unnecessary and refused doing it nor get a house cleaner. All the house cleaning I was able to do were harder and harder to implement because of this, and that f***ed with my health. The sad thing is that he told everybody he knew how a disabled person should be treated..
@@newwavenancy ikr? I hope our commenter Mythic here is in a good circumstances now so we can hear some creepy nurse stories, and how to roll out of them!
Pebblebrook Books - Lotsa creepy nurse stories out there; which I cannot share because it was 4 decades ago when I was a deer in the headlights for all I observed. Loathed the “profession” but HAD to go into it or be “DISOWNED” which may seem laughable now, but when you’re an empathetic teen with a N-Mom who also uses suicide threats as a means of control... 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️ Then add a N-Dad who sexually abuses... 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ WHAT THE “F” did I do to deserve this?
The worst caregiving situation I've ever experienced is dealing with my narcissistic husband with stage 4 cancer. I dealt with his rage, threats, ploys for sympathy , insecurities, triangulation, and entitlement. At this point, I'm trying to carve out a life for myself that infuriates him. Now he attempts to be nice and loving yet will become angry when I don't reciprocate. He's well aware that the marriage is a sham and that my goal is to be cordial and to assist him.
I came here to say something very similar. Narcissistic husband with cancer, and he has raged at me, threatened me, and all of the above. I'm so sorry you're going through this as well. It's hard for anyone not dealing with this to understand that you don't always feel like you can just walk off and leave this human with cancer...but you also can't let them treat you horribly and destroy your own health.
Wowww, my jaw is just on the floor realizing you’re talking about something that looks a lot like my situation and family. I felt like NO ONE understands what I am going though and doing here. But you described it all perfectly and so I must not be the only one. And even just knowing that makes me sad, but also feel less like I’m some abscess in the world living this existence alone. Thank you for all your education and bringing awareness. I feel so validated, informed and empowered. 🙏🕊✨
You are not alone my friend! People won't understand.
They are in a community for 55+. The lawns and driveways (and snow) are done by the community. When they need it, there are nurses and/or caregivers who can care for them there.
Does that not make you even more sad for the children who have narcissistic parents without money?
I cared for my elderly grandmother for 26yrs, she passed 10yrs ago. Since I was 19. I was unable to work or have relationships. Now my mother is elderly with cancer. She treats me worse than granny. I am in therapy and these videos help me get thru.
I was the scapegoat for 54 years.My uncle was the golden child.
There is no money and with no work history I dont know what to do. I have been in this house since I was 6mos old. I dont know anything else.
Thank you Dr Ramani.
It's not possible to give care to an elderly narc. I know - I'm going through it right now. The only escape is either leave or wait till he's dead. It's a one way system with any narc - theirs only. I now tell people to run and don't look back.
We won't tell the cops you poisoned him. We all understand.
@@solidstate9451 Narc survivors all get this! Regular people are horrified..... :)
@@solidstate9451 lol! I plead the 5th!
If they left me with the care of my NPD mother who had dementia and she was choking on her food I would have casually not noticed as I left the room.😏
If only there was a date of when 💀
I helped my narcissist husband during pancreatic cancer and stroke. He did get more angry towards me, which was painful. But I did what I needed to do. And the stroke affected his speech center, so he couldn't punish me with words.
I made sure that friends and family were there every day. I let him hold court, and by not being able to speak, he finally fit in, and people were comfortable around him.
He prepared me for his loss, staying away from home except to sleep.
Dealing with Narcissists. Where is it written that you have to sacrifice yourself to the narcissist! We are all given a limited amount of time in this lifetime. I have sacrificed to many holidays and celebrations, to the needs and wants to narcissistic family. No Contact and low contact, has saved me! Take back your life! There is no reward for suffering, or abuse from a narcissist! Run Run 🏃♀️ and don’t look back!
I work in geriatric care. Narcissistic elders are sooooo difficult!!!
What about the children that never left home? i think that a narcissistic mother is capable of grooming the child from a very young age to be there throughout their lives.As the child grows older only to be emotionally numb to thier own wants and fully engaged with the attention seeking narcissist ,it feels perversely natural that putting yourself to the side and trying to prop up the wants and needs of this parent who is and has always has been incapable of loving you.
Exactly what happened to my sister. She is now a senior herself and she never left the family home. She became a narc.
My sister exactly. Sixty years old and she has never given anything to herself because of the monster.
I m going to bè Luke that, abused and still in toxic narcisistic family...and the mother is Luke in orror film and I m still shocked of what She did starting from my childhood
I m trying to excape...fisically and mentally...
My mom had my Golden Child brother groomed for the job for sure and because he stayed physically close to her he had a stroke a couple years ago. Now the two of them are in the house and my poor mom's boyfriend is stuck with them. Better him than me
No one is making you do anything, you have a CHOICE!!! Choose WISELY, choose Yourself!!!🙋🏾
Easy to say. Not so easy to do.
It was BRUTAL. I left and went no contact after 5 months and told him to figure it out. He has the resources. I don’t care if I get nothing in the will now (he has always used money as a weapon) and my GC brother living across the land gets whatever mess of his millions is left over. My soul cannot be bought. Goodbye 👋.
Also - Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this video. It painted this experience out beautifully.
I think total trust in any relationship is overpriced as i ended up hating myself for ever believing my ex-husband. When my ex-husband started getting home late, I would ask and he'd say something came up at work. When i couldn't take any more of his lies, I decided it was time i get to know what was really going on. On the recommendation of a friend, I contacted this great ethical hacker (cyberhackingsage@gmail) who cloned his cellphone without physically touching the device and as a result, I was able to access his social media accounts, GPS Location, iMessage, call logs and text messages (both recent and deleted) through a remote decryption link sent to me. I discovered he is a liar who is having a secret affair with his secretary and that he has been using money from our joint account to finance the affair. Thanks to cyberhackingsage, I was able to file for divorce with lots of evidence against him. If you're ever in doubt or you need that extra bit of closure, I recommend you send a mail to cyberhackingsage@gmail or text and WhatsApp them at +15713758467.......................I hope you find peace of mind just like me after I discovered the truth.
I cannot even imagine, this video showed up on my UA-cam stream on such a right time!
Give God Glory 🥰‼️
I’ve been supporting my Father for nine months now. When the situation first presented itself I thought the support was only going to be financially. I adjusted my life and sacrificed my cherished autonomy to take him in because I thought, “yeah, this is a great opportunity for my dad to retire and take care of himself!” That was not the case. His behavior extends to flat out disrespect of the way I choose to keep my house and everyday is a battle for the living space I work hard to pay for. I feel like a child once again. Unable to defend myself against my father’s entitlement to do what he wants, whenever he wants. I find myself being torn between hoping there is still a chance to salvage our relationship and radically accepting that my father has NEVER been capable of caring for himself and hoping the end comes swiftly and mercifully. Best wishes to all those who find themselves in this battle. Stay strong, stay patient and stay kind. Thank you Dr. Ramani for producing this content! It is a light in the dark abyss I walk into every day.
There is no relationship to be salvaged. It took me a long time to finally get that. There was never a relationship at all and there never will be. There is nothing I can do, so, I moved far, far away and chose my health and sanity and went no contact.
Stay strong!😃
Since my empath father died and my narc mom realised i am the only possible caregiver, I am the golden child now. Just to be sure.... i finally get the love i always craved for. It's one big mindf***
This is an excellent video for the scapegoat who gets sucked into or guilt-tripped into caring for a narc parent. Make no mistake-there will be no appreciation or apology from the narc. They will expect you to to do this and then they will criticize your efforts. The caregiving will suck you dry emotionally and financially. And the enabling siblings (if there are any) will make themselves scarce until it is time for the estate to be disbursed. And finally, the scapegoat can count on being excluded from the estate- to add insult to injury. Seen this too many times.
I was the goldenchild and fixer, and now I'm going to be the scapegoat when I move away. My brother is a narcissist too
Look after urself coz narcissists now each other and I hope u r safe coz it's not safe to be with them
@@shamsotaxadar7824 it sure isn't safe
My role as a caregiver is truthfully to avoid guilt, shame, and criticism. In early March I PLEADED with my narc mom to prepare, stock up and sign up for meal delivery service as the pandemic was creeping in. "I don't eat frozen food", "I'll be fine" (invincible!). Weeks later she called panicked (w/only 2 days worth of food left living in a super hotspot). It's probably the first time she's called me in about 10 years (I call monthly). I live 4 hours away and spent DAYS trying to find a short term solution so she wouldn't go hungry until the meals arrived (I paid for the service for 3 months) and set up family zoom calls. I gave her advance notice the service was about to come to a close as it was safe for her to food shop in early June. I received a one line email thank you with future faking "I will make it up to you somehow". I haven't heard from her since. It is never reciprocal, the gratitude is very minimal, sometimes absent and it is always, always draining. For many years I have been bailing my mom out of situations where she made foolish choices. In every single case, her magical thinking and lack of consideration created danger, confusion, urgency with the sole focus on her. I'm trying to be compassionate yet cling to the philosophy "Poor planning on your part doesn't necessitate an emergency on mine". It is very difficult tightrope to walk on and I'm worried what's coming my way this winter.
My problem was my MOTHER herself, couldnt let go of the past we shared, constantly rewriting history...then going through the MASSIVE paperwork she had saved since the 1950's, broke me all over again. (She died 12/25/20, NOT from Covid, but heart/respiratory failure). Reading or just SEEING the incredibly private stuff NO ONE should EVER learn about their parents, blew my heart to pieces. RIP, Dad and Mom. You were so very much loved. I only wish you could have loved your own children...
Been there. At long last, I finally refused. I refused to destroy my own life and lift the burden for
siblings who had been dumping the responsibility for years. Amazingly, they were finally put in the
position to have to step up for a change. It was one hell of a fight. And they are royally ticked off.
TOUGH !
My narc mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2016. I had a husband and 3 kids who also needed me. I took her to her appointments, took notes, explained to her the doc talk. I wanted to be there because I loved her. When she had radiation she preferred my narc father, who she would complain about daily and who was an asshole to her. I couldn’t understand why. She would praise over and over how sweet her sister (who would bring her food and grocer) was. And her niece who was just the sweetest and always so helpful. I did get a thank you, although it didn’t feel as good as I thought it should.
The same month my mom was diagnosed, my husband began his affair with his current wife. 2016 was a difficult year, but it put my recovery in higher gear.
In 2019, I began to pull further away from my mom when I started to realize more how she really was the selfish one in our relationship. I stared a full time job and she helped with my kids. It stressed me out and it stressed my kids out.
When I took her with me to a counseling appointment, she spent the whole hour talking about herself and how she’s been the victim of her husband’s narcissism. When I asked her about the appointment, she was indignant and in a public place, told me how my abusive father wasn’t that bad. “I think about what you always say, ‘it could always be worse’ (a phrase I used to help me look at the bright side) It could have been worse”, she told me. I cried, she was indifferent. She’s in denial. It was worse than she’d like to admit. She refused to go to the next counseling appt. I started to see her clearly and have kept putting more distance. Months later she asked if I’d like to go to counseling with her to “work on our relationship”. I told her I didn’t have time.
Her cancer was my blessing. I am now divorced, minimal contact with my mother and less with my father. It has healed my soul in ways I never knew needed healing. I hope that as time passes I have less contact with then. Just have another string to cut next.
Omg! TU for this topic. I have been my mother's caregiver all my life! My dad was abusive and I tried to support her as young as 5! Then diagnosed with cancer when I was 20. I am 50 now and spent the last year and a half calling ambulance monthly. And yes, I have become ill (already dealing with CPTSD, depression? anxiety). Now having investigations done the last 3 months (inflammation? autoimmune?). She even called me to pick her up from hospital when I was getting ultrasound myself, despite me telling her she needed to call someone else. Denied that I told her I was having tests. Called me a liar basically. Went no contact then (2 months ago). So grateful to have all this explained and validated! Bless you Dr. R. I feel so much less "crazy" .... its NOT my fault. Xo
forgive, but do not excuse their behavior. Hopefully you have a positive support system around you to detox.
says me, who wants to get out due to the problems described in this video, lol
No, no friends or family here.³
@@toniabeyta4007 I think it might be worse when those people *are* around and they're still enabling the narcissistic parent whenever they can
This video right here just made up my mind for me about all the anguish, confusion, pain, anxiety, and fear about putting our narcissistic parent into a nursing home. I am not going to kill myself for this person. Better yet, she is not going to kill me, or my siblings, if I can help it. Thank you so much Dr. Ramani. Once again, I thought I was going crazy trying to sort out dementia and narcissism. Turns out gaslighting is alive and well in our demented narcissitic parent.
I moved 700 miles from her at 21, I am the scapegoat, she hurt me my whole life and I have been in counceling my whole life
With mums alzheimers she blatantly emotionally guilted me “thank you SO much for coming, I love you so much…!” Where you feel no love from them, just sucking need and playing the victim, Then as you leave it will be “oh I’m so sad, you are so goo, please come back I need you!” Knowing that caring for them was making me sick. The abuse was… everything in between. There was no one else. Just me. I ended up chronically ill. Pushing myself to nearly having a very serious car accident. Once she got into a home and settled down when I wasn’t around, and I knew she was cared for. I was done. But Christmas… it’s so hard, this is the second Christmas I won’t have seen them, I’m grieving the parent I lost, and my “neglect”… and guilt… I’m so exhausted just thinking about it. I just… exhausted all the time I think of this…. I wish I’d seen this video when it was all happening. Which would be around when it was happening. Mum would use money as a lure to keep me around. Yup I’ve gotten the complicated grief… I’m just lucky I held onto my job, so I can actually live .
Its so intetesting to hear what u say, oh thanku for coming etc. recently taken on the task of my elderly mother's care. When she hugged me and said thanku for coming, i could not feel any genuine love just neediness...sigh
My husband and three children moved to a small town to support my covert narcissistic mother and father who were caring for my dying brother who was mentally and physically handicapped. Our income dropped by 50% and our children grieved their losses and were isolated. We had many health challenges, but my parents were never grateful and my mother slandered us to all, including or two older married daughters who rejected us altogether and now keep their children from us, to punish us forever. One of them was my mother's favoured golden child and I was her scapegoat. We survived and are recovering now. Moved away when my mother died, learned about narcissism and living a new life.
My son is severely developmentally disabled and I’m a full time caregiver. This enabled me to not have to care for my narcissistic mother who’s now 90 and has dementia. My brother is her primary care giver. My sister is the golden child and drops in to visit. Fortunately I live 1400 miles away now. It’s been a blessing.
Yep. I am a self-supported disabled person living on a full pension. My parents and sister thought I was going to be my parents full time carer because you know I am no longer working......... and not only that I was being treated like I was deficient because I was you know disabled. Nah. I have cut them out of my life. It was a real revelation how toxic your family origin can be
My Mother (now dead) and my (soon to be ex-) husband. It’s starting to become a huge relief that my narcissistic husband has now plugged into a new relationship, though he has targeted someone who (I thought was) a friend for many years. To no longer feel any responsibility for his welfare, or to justify myself to him/gain his approval is making me feel lighter day by day.
Sara, two for one! You’ve been shown the truth in both these creatures. Stay strong and be happy. Sorry for your pain though. 💪🏼💐
This is exactly what I needed to hear - thank you so much 🙏
I had my borderline narcissistic mother in my care for a few weeks and I became so sick … I literally returned her to condemned home and told the social worker I want nothing more to do with her - her delusional demise is her own to suffer.
This video is right on the mark! My 88 year old narcissist mother with dementia is a constant stressor for me as it's me taking her to appointments, grocery shopping, banking because I am the only sibling. I feel numb when I am with her and try not to let her guilt trips of not doing anything for her make me feel guilty. In the meantime, I have gardened for her, washed her outside windows, vacuumed the house etc. The dementia makes it worse as she constantly phones me and says she can't find anything, whether its a pair of scissors or a bunch of plastic bags, she will blame my husband for taking them. I realize when the time comes and she is gone that I will not receive any deathbed apology but I would like to think that I can let her know how I felt all through my life....
I fully intend to let my mother have it when she is dying.
I have thought about this, about letting her know how I felt but I know she won't give a fvck.... and then that would make me feel shit again....
This is amazing! I have never heard a more straightforward and comprehensive veiw on the subject of caring for a narcissist parent. Roots are deep and I now realize what was going on from childhood. You are so on point. I believe my mental health is compromised and WAS when I was brought up. Looking after my 85 year old Mom has been devastating to my mental and physical being and there is absolutely no reason for it. I want the best for her. I want her to be happy. I want her to be independent as long as possible. I am making sure that is happening but it's the same old belittling, triangulation with siblings who are now out of the picture now that Dad is gone, and she has unrealistic goals based on my support. Being 60 with a wife she hates. No fun. No one else is helping. You know the story well as I can tell.
Wow, it’s so sad my reality. He’s never going to die, I was joking around w/someone who gets it and that was the punch (in the gut)line. Being a empath, and knowing why I am today is priceless. I’m not a victim anymore and, yup here are the tears of joy, thanks doctor R, I see why people fall in love with their therapist. I’ve been looking for answers to this stuff all my life, and doing it solo is been a great/terrifying experience. Vent ! And peace ☮️ to anyone else dealing with this difficult situation.
Thanks Dr. R. for providing the empaths out there with our daily dose of "How the World Really Works"