My mother was a narcissistic person towards me most of my life. She would back stab me to family members and other people. She criticised what i wore, who i married etc. When certain issues happened in our family, and mum was diagnosed with dementia, I was left caring for her on my own. I had suffered narcissist abuse from all of my siblings, they ostracized me when i took on the responsibility of caring for my mother. I nursed my mum for 10 1/2 years. If i hadn't studied nursing, aged care, mental health and human sciences, I wouldn't have lasted the length of the journey. The only family i have now is my disabled son. He means the world to me. Life is lonely, but i would rather be lonely than put up with narcissitic abuse.
Frances, what a STRONG WOMAN you ARE!!You deserve an honor for taking care of your mom for so long. I send you a HUGE hug because you are a beautiful person!😊
My mom has mid stages vascular dementia and Alzheimers...she's also a malignant narcissist. I knew I made the right decision to move her to a nursing home when someone told me that my mom may outlive me bcs of the stress I had to deal with being her caregiver. I have some piece of mind now knowing she's in a safe place since I cannot be with her 24/7 (I work full time and live in a different zip code), BUT, she knows she's not in her own home no matter what I do to create a comfortable environment for her. She is more vile than ever, has a permanent angry look, she refuses to join activities, she gets angier when someone tries to make her laugh or smile. Losing her independence and sense of control of everything has made her extremely apathetic. My anxiety has lessened a bit, but I'm always in fear she may attack a nurse and get kicked out of that facility. So, I feel like no matter what I do for her, at home or in a facility, she will simply never be satisfied or happy. She thrives on anger and venomous insults. I just need to accept that and understand that any peaceful moment I may have with her is even more scarse now and limited. But SELF CARE is EVERYTHING!!! I will not let an 81 year old outlive me....Im 46, no kids, no partner. I have the right also reach 81 without being a scapegoat to anyone ever again.
Do not internalize her anger. I want my mom in a secure facility due to her history of physical (and every other kind) against me. My brothers were totally untouched growing up but very aware and glad it was not them. She hates women and lower level care facilities would just be an invitation for her to attack the predominantly female staff and residents.
My father's letters were always so weird, I did not recognize the onset of his dementia. The only time her said he loved me was when he was very advanced dementia and I set him up. He was child-like and the nicest he had ever been with me. When he died, I cried for the relationship that hadn't been.
My dad was an overt N and physically abusive. When he died, I did not grieve but was simply sad for the relationship I never had and always fantasized should have been: one of loving, compassion, caring and a recognition of me as me & not as supply. I was of no use to him if I wasn’t stroking his ego. So sad.
I just heard about this. My hairdresser told me a story of one of his clients that she was going to divorce her husband and found out he had dementia before they got divorced . He then turned into the guy that she had originally fell in love with but was losing to dementia. Heartbreaking
@@John-tp5gc absolutely. My brother future faked for children until she hit menopause, isolated from the only kids (mine) that would have potentially taken care of him, he will be alone from now until his end days.
I needed to watch this video. I didn't know what narcissism was, but after my father passed away I experienced my mother's 100% concentrated nastiness (that my father suffered through for many years). Apparently he was the buffer. So then she went into mental decline and whoa!!! The things she did and said were awful! My brother's protected her because they were not around like I was. Long story short, I went No Contact because I had a 3 year old child and she was starting up on her too. My brother's can deal with that ugliness if they want to pretend everything is ok.
One of my fears is that prolonged exposure to narcs will deteriorate my mental state to the point of memory loss. I’m not sure how rational this is but when my narc mother opened the door I could not think straight. I would lose focus easily if they were around me because I was putting all my thoughts on walking on eggshells around them and making sure I don’t look to happy or too sad. For the first time in years I will be living alone without a narc and I’m really excited to see the peace of mind and focus I can generate
Having a narc in your life definitely feels like you are having a “mental decline”! I know what you mean about all those symptoms.. that are basically survival mode! Stay strong!
My best wishes, finally you are free and please stay strong! Maybe it was just on the point you leaving before real mental and physical health problems would appear.
I'm taking a time management and goal setting course on Coursera. I'm done with the crazy and the waste of time and energy. I hope to recover my focus and get my small business going. I would bet this helps me recover my mind.
A narcissist with developing dementia is… horrible. Zero compliance or cooperation with anything. Won’t listen to doctors. Won’t take meds. Cancels appointments. Negates every thing the caregiver tries to do or say to help them.
Same here. I think they will hang up themselves one day in their own mental prison. And this is very traumatic to watch. My mother rejects everything particularly when it comes from me, her only caregiver at this moment. It took many efforts to take her to the doctor and making her take her diabetes pills. I won’t do this again. There is only rejection and not any hint of compliance besides she one day will decide for herself to take these pills or maybe searching for support. But until now she is still in denial about dementia about planning for the future, she thinks she will live forever…I decided it to let her alone and the next step would be the hospital one day I think or they will take her home one day when she get lost anywhere in the city. In my opinion she should have gone already since years in a hospital for mental diseases instead of making the life of her only daughter a living hell. But these narcs project their own flaws only on others. My father was a narc too, they both worked well together against me until he left my mother for his 26 years younger girlfriend who had more money.
If you have been hesitant to ditch the Narcissist in your life, think of dementia. Dementia is what you will get if you stay with toxic people and put up with chronic stress for too long.
The worst part is dealing with an aging narcissist. They get worse the older they get. If they end up with any kind of dementia, memory problems or any other cognitive decline, they get meaner, nastier and quite vicious. Even milder covert narcissists get like that. It's hell to deal with. I am not kidding. Absolute hell. It's important that anyone dealing with a narcissist gets away as quickly as possible, for your own sanity and well being.
So hard to make this decision if it’s your parent. I am no contact now with my mom…. No dementia for her - she was tested - but she is sooooo narcissistic and toxic. The most negative self centered person I know. And, yes, I know it affects my mental health and stress level goes through the roof .
That was exactly my experience last year with my Dad. You couldn't tell if it was the dementia, the narcissism, the machavelianism, or what. There was nothing to do but redirect and wait. But that did cause problems when it wasn't the dementia and he remembered and understood that he was being redirected. After months of having to incrementally remove dangers, like locking up silverware, locking the refrigerator to avoid food ending up in random hiding places where it would rot, locking the pantry and garage to prevent chemicals and tools and non-perishables from going missing, being used in dangerous ways, removing the stove knobs, child proofing and keeping track of cell phones so they would not get lost, broken or so badly reconfigured that they were essentially bricked And never would he ever consider the slightest possibility that he needed help. When he presented well, the narc and mach characteristics kicked in and he was very shrewd to manipulate people to get what he wanted. But he had no concept or care of how that affected him, his circumstances or anyone around him.
Wow where is he now? Did someone live w him during that time? I need a ttacker on moms phone do u know the name if the one u used? All i know is googles find my phone was useless
This sounds exactly like where my dad is at now. We just put him into a care home for two weeks respite care so my mum didn't die from the stress of being with him. Three days in and he's attacked another resident and then run around all night throwing furniture around. Next day he's attacked another two people. I don't see this getting better before it gets much worse!
this year i realized the reason this person was so abusive to me the last 10+ years is because they secretly knew their mental health was declining and instead of asking for help or support she lashed out at me, the youngest and easiest target.
I believe my mother’s lashing out came long before she began to age or show any decline. She just did as she pleased, which has come to bite her, appropriately.
I'm sorry you are going through this, it can be tough. The important thing is that you now know! So, use that information to insulate yourself, make the other siblings aware so you can recognize the mischief coming your way and it doesn't all land on one person -- you! The craftiness that continues to exist with those in decline should not be underestimated. My n-parent managed to turn the family against one another using all the old narcissist tricks Dr. Ramani talks about! Be careful and take care of yourself and, where possible, one another!
I suspect my NARC dad is showing early onset signs of dementia. I woke up this morning and started researching and here is this video. Fascinating and frightening. Thank you!!!!
My dad is going through the same thing. We're still questioning whether it's dementia or bipolar disorder, but he refuses to get evaluated. He stopped working (had always been a never-miss-work kind of guy), barley eats or sleeps, isn't keeping up with bills, and doesn't maintain body care. He is just becoming this manic party animal who wants to drink all the time and laugh constantly. He already has 2 restraining orders on him due to sudden rage out-bursts and sexual harassment. =/ I feel totally overwhelmed.
@@akazinsomniac3007 I'm trying not to become that, because I'm not a medical expert. Since he absolutely refuses to get help we think the only way for him is to go to jail.
@@angelaengle12 yes sounds like you have to make some very tough decisions. Since caring for my Narc Mom I have had to become firm in my decisions too. Much luck to you and may God protect you.
This is weirdly timely - my lovely ex-mother-in-law has just gone into a care home today, suffering from advanced dementia. She has been married to an abusive narcissist for decades and sadly her only child (my ex) turned into a narc too. She deserved so much better.
@@frankcrawford416 Yes, the horrible abuse endured by the non narcissistic victim can result in dementia I can clearly see. I’m afraid that it will happen to me.
As my ex monster got older, it was alarming to see how much he forgot. He had always lied all the time and accused me of forgetting when in fact it was him. Plus, his mind games were pure torture to me, he knew exactly what he was doing to me and smirked all the time as I literally fell completely apart and lost my mind. One of his mind games was to tell me I was crazy and forgetting everything, in the end it was him for real.
This is exactly my husband right now! Both of his parents had dementia when they died and both were in nursing homes. He can't take care of bills, his medications, appointments, he can't drive far away, he is completely clueless 99% of the time. But if we're out around other people he behaves. But the minute you get away from them, he is a Jekyll and Hyde. And his adult kids don't want to believe this. I am the stepmom. I'm about ready to walk! Let them deal with it. Let them deal with him! They'll find out fast enough. The stress of dealing with him has really made my health go downhill. There is no family support. That's what my husband did to his stepmom. That's what they all did to her, when their dad got dementia. That poor woman was tortured and she ended up dying first and she had no health problems before that. None of them took care of their dad in their own homes. He was in a nursing home and it was her money that paid for it. And then when he died, there was some left and they got that too. I have a life insurance policy but I'm making sure that my son gets 99% of it. If I don't get support neither do they. I will also mention before this, my husband had a very bad anger problem and he is a narcissist. But a narcissist with dementia, that's a whole other level.
Wow......dr Ramani.....hearing this is 100% my ex partner who discarded me 5 months ago....He’s 75 years old. My first husband who passed away had dementia but he was naturally kind. As he deteriorated he stayed kind and more or less turned into a child. My recent ex partner who I associated with for 4 years is a narcissist. I wondered why he got meaner and meaner and finally with the stress of the covid he went over the edge. Everything intensified: agitation; paranoia; impulsivity; suspicion; verbally vicious; bizarre crazy ideas and behaviors and more. Now I see the narcism combined with mental deterioration turned him into a nasty rattlesnake. I guess I dodged the bullet . When he discarded me he did me a major favor. Thank the Gods. I’m free.
THANK You for saying that it’s hard to tell where narcissism ends and dementia begins. We’ve had that exact experience with my grandmother. It wasn’t until she started having hallucinations that we could get anyone to take her dementia seriously.
My mother is a narcissist and has dimentia and I experienced and experiencing all that you described. She is in assisted living facility now and I struggle with the guilty of not feeling empathic towards her. I believe there is a connection between childhood trauma, personality/temperament, nurturing, wrt narcissism and dimentia. Id love to see a longitudinal study on this.
@@katiedid9601 she said she struggles with guilt…rather see her and regret it ..than not to see her and have regrets….of course only as much she can take..not more often than she can
@@evka24 I appreciate this clarification. :). I read your comment very soon after going to see my narcissistic mother due to guilt feelings. She is in an independent living facility. I went with high hopes that we could repair some of our relationship, but she was as miserable as ever. But you are right: at least I did try yet again!
I’m sorry you’re in this position. My mom won’t even acknowledge her diagnosis and has driven my dad mad. What state are you in that she can be in independent living? In California I’m told she can only go to memory care, and that’s like 10-15k mo. They have very little money left, and I’m freaking out bc I’m feeling guilt, but the toxic relationship is still there.
If you know someone who is experiencing neglect as an elderly person who no longer can do their activities of daily living, call your local office on aging to ask that a social worker do a home visit. Also be aware of the possibility of financial exploitation in addition to neglect and/or abuse.
Well, my mother is so tangled up with her triangulation, and has left herself open to blackmail. She honestly deserves whatever she gets, and not my problem- much like how she always treated me.
Please also be aware that some Narcissistic elderly persons will manufacture neglect and claim financial exploitation in order to 'stick one' on their carer(s)/victim(s). Not a pleasant thought, but it does happen.
@@clogs4956 yes, my mother started on this campaign claiming elder abuse, it’s disgusting, yet her other daughter the golden child, also a narc, takes the money that she has - tried to explain to her that mother needs her finances for her care and support services. Mother claiming elder abuse as she is desperately trying to hide her beginning dementia. She has the hospital and doctors fooled, but not for much longer.
I had two as well. I tried to help my father but was not welcome by the rest of the family and my mother was developing dementia at the same time. They discarded me in a Knick of time. I got out of taking care of my evil mother who hated me the most. I hope that you don’t bother with them. They don’t care about you and will just bring you down.
"exaggeration of personality style [with aging]" makes so much sense with my narcissistic people. And the sudden 180 turn in personality > age 30, that is such a helpful statement.
I am caring for a parent with dementia, who has been and still is a horrible individual, narc. Always been deceitful. This is the hardest thing, the problems arising from things being kept a secret(physical health problems) the nastiness, accusations, lies. I have come to the realisation that I have never liked this parent from a young age. I still don't like this parent, and yet I am stuck caring. We have such a convoluted system for aged care in Australia and the hoops one must jump through to get an assessment, and then a placement at a facility is taxing and frustrating, as a carer it just multiplies the problems you deal with everyday
I’m in this situation too Robbie in Aust. I will be seeking a public guardian for my mother, I just can’t do this anymore, while fighting off the golden child narc sister as well.
I was low-contact with my parents for decades, not by choice, but because they didn't care to include me in their life, other than getting me to give them money or help them with stupid financial investments that only ended up losing ME money, and making THEM lots of money. LOL! They really knew how to grift me. Anyway, I let it go, and when I got hoovered to help my dad with his illness, I realized they had been smearing me for decades. :( They triangulated me with an aunt (my mother's sister-in-law) and said she was helping them (not. Their house was in a sorry state, after decades of me telling them they needed to downsize.... but my mother didn't want to get rid of her hoard -- the only thing she could control since she had no more control over me after I separated my finances from them finally in 2021.) Anyway, after she future-faked me that if I helped pay to fix up their broken down house, she would sell, and move into assisted living, she admitted in January 2023 that she'd lied. She wasn't selling. Even though I'd brought them to tour three facilities, and my father wanted to move in immediately. My malignant narcissist mother, who all my life accused others of stealing, turned out was the one stealing...... It was ugly. So ugly. In the end, narcissists reap their karma. No one can trust them, because narcissists don't trust anyone either. Especially when they are old and get dementia. They live in a constant state of paranoia and delusions. It's crazy-making. My mother got SO MUCH WORSE with the crazy-behavior when my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She seemed more upset that he was "giving up" taking care of her, than upset that he was going to DIE. Selfish bitch. When she started triangulating my dying dad against me, that was it. I was out of there. Financially recuperating from a woman so selfish, she'd stolen from her grandchildren. After I went no-contact, she's only hoovered me twice. Once in July 2024, when she wanted me to sign paperwork to withdraw money from my deceased dad's bank account in Philippines. The other time was when I made a donation to a food bank. How did she KNOW? I honestly believe demons tell her. Demons tell her when I give money to someone other than her. It's sick. No contact has been my survival. I will never talk to her again unless there are attorneys present and video cameras trained on all of us. I'm blessed that I married a man with NORMAL parents, because once you SEE how a normal loving family is..... you can't unsee the selfishness, the complete lack of love, almost-demonic jealousy of a narcissistic parent. Stay away...... that's my advice. Stay the F*** away. My mother-in-law is now my role-model for parenting.💗 Matthew 19:29-30
I don’t think that my comment is the intent of Dr Ramani’s vid but for me narcissism = the definition of dementia. It’s like the narcissists evil nature drives them into dementia even at a young age. My ex narc always tried to gaslight me into thinking that I’d forgotten certain things but he is the one that’s ended up with memory issues.
Yeah, I wonder about that! The two most prominent narcissists I had in my life both had seemingly the worst memory/confabulation issues even in their early 20s. You'd think it was a joke! Ex: they'd openly bash a song or some genre of music someone would be playing at a party or something, and then only weeks later they'd be found playing the same song themselves, trying to get people into "their music". It's creepy!
Thank you for addressing this type of situation. A family member, who I believe to have narcissistic tendencies, also has Alzheimer's. You're spot on when you mention denial of any cognitive decline.
Thanks for that video. This is what I have been trying to alert my siblings to about our brother. They are all conveniently in DENIAL. I have informed them I am off the roster. Because I have been such a victim of the narcissist with no validation from any of them, they can take it from here. It’s so scary. But I can’t accept anymore abuse.
The thought of needing care in the future did cross my mind. I did realize this would be an inconvenience for him. This is a wake up call for me. My plan is to free myself from him. I am on the path of building my new future. Also this will relieve me of yet another worry. I believe everyone needs a future care plan.
My ex was going to kill me and claim self-defence. Educating myself on covert narcissistic abuse is the reason I’m alive today. I got away. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
I have watched my mom be married to two narcs and eventually develop dementia. Has any research been done on the incidence of victims of narcissistic abuse having higher than normal rates of dementia. I Wonder if the constant gaslighting, blame shifting, and controlling behavior didn’t contribute to her mind just shutting down?
I had to take care of my elderly dad because my narc mother didn’t want to. She was 30 yrs younger than he was. I ended up having to take care of her too. She had dementia that started in her 60s. She calmed down because of it and it actually was a healing time for our relationship so I have no regrets now.
@@JRibs in my experience with a loved one that sounds similar to this, it wasn't "time" alone that softened her. My loved one regressed to a child-like state as things advanced and became much more agreeable than before. It also seemed the amount of attention she needed to ensure her safety soothed her instead of her having to manufacture illnesses or sabotage situations so that people would drop everything to assist her like she did when she was physically healthy. The helplessness became real instead of feigned.
@@JRibs maybe it was more like your experience. Whenever she got around an old friend from that era, it was like she was back in the day and she’d be a bitch all over again.
@@mrswhite645same here. My narc mother softened a bit when developing her dementia. Before she was much louder and more impulsive. But she is self centered, stubborn and rejecting like before, if even a tiny little bit more friendly to people. And she wouldn’t accept help like before. She thinks that she doesn’t need anybody. So be it then. But she is talking to herself all the time. This started one year ago when I noticed it regularly, mostly complaining about her life and negative stuff and that she is the victim. She really believes in her paranoia that she is the only poor ill human on this earth while all others are idiots. While in reality she was never forced to work for anything she received everything for free from my passed father during their marriage as well as from my passed grandmother who suffered that her only daughter is such an antisocial self centered and aggressive child. She felt guilty about it cause my grandfather was a depressed anti social narc too and maybe she thought that she had taken his DNA. My grandmother was a people pleaser who supported the wrong people unfortunately. I got so used to the behavior of my so called mother early on that only in retrospective I recognize her personality disorder and the emotional damage she created. I never felt bonded to her there was more stress and anxiety because of her irrational behavior.
I’m so glad you made this video . I’ve meant to ask you about this topic with aging parents. I read in several places that in short, yes, narc personality types are more prone to developing dementia. The reason was decades of not using their frontal lobe led to deterioration of it. For narcs all of their personality flaws like lack of empathy and controlling emotion is not using their brains, literally.
Recently Learnt there is a connection with Loss of Smell and Alzheimer's (I watched my Granny Take Care of her Mean Mother who had Alzheimer's, later learning how horrid her mother was when they were Children) My Beautiful Granny Was A Compassionate and Loving Lady, was(still is) my Inspiring Super Hero too, take what she Taught and Grow 💕 More Aware now, that Progress isn't Linear❣ I can also see how the constant Deceit of Others as Well of Themselves can really Scramble the Ability to Remember too...
Thank you for covering a difficult and complicated topic. Personally I found the process of identifying the pathology of a parent and then finding a healthy path away from the relationship has been a long learning curve. When I was young my childhood was defined by taking care of the needs of a narcissist parent, years of my young adult life where sacrificed taking care of a narcissists parent's mother. Now the parent wants me to take care of them as their health declines. I am at a place where I will not step up to take care of them. I understand this may sound harsh and unloving but let me explain. Identifying and being able to step away from a narcissistic relationship also means to identify the role we have in a narcissists life. I was the the one who always stepped up to solve problems. Now I see how unhealthy and enabling that was for me and have chosen to change my perspective on life to a more healthy one. I see how people "see me" now. I am now consciously aware of that fact. It helps me not to be a "magnet" for such individuals. I also took much time for introspection on myself, I refer to it as "knowing thyself". I know I would feel resentment, anxiety and anger if I chose to take care of my parent so it is best I don't take that role. I have spoken to my siblings regarding recommendations I have regarding "services" for my parent as their needs change. As well as provided information identifying those services that are nearby to my parent. I have also tried to explain to my siblings the reasons for my decision and reassure them that they are not obligated to take care of our parent. As well as explained to them how overwhelming and exhausting it is to take on that role. Keeping a toxic parent at arms length has been the healthiest and most pivotal decision I have made in my life. I hope by sharing this experience that it may help someone else who may be facing a similar decision in their life. When dealing with a narcissist we really do have choices.
I am in this very situation. I was the family caretaker/cook/maid/laundress/shopper etc starting as early as age 7 (cleaning/laundry) up until college. I tried to keep everything “together” for my two emotionally stunted abusive parents. Now, it’s happening all over again. My siblings have scattered as per usual, leaving the mess in my lap. Well, I have simply said No. my childhood was stolen; I’ll be damned if I let them take my adulthood.
@@oliveoil4380 yep been in all these roles.l think the universe saw this way ahead and moved me me across the globe.My grandmother is a narc and has yet to be diagnosed with dementia.My mother is a narc and has to look after my grandmother.l have realised before this happened my mother kept trying to lure me back home.l could see why - l have alway stepped up to solve issues.l realise she wants some look after her in her old age .My grandmother’s situation has made me realise what we would be up against if my mother were to go down the same road.l will hep/love everyone from a distance.
Love your description of your situation and considered position you are taking regarding your own needs versus the narcs needs. I am in a similar situation and know the soul searching it takes but definitely the best way to go
Your impressions of the narc. are "spot on" for my mother. My mother is the narc in my family system. My father had Parkinson's Lewey Body Dementia; horrible to see my father, who has a Phd in Statistics, lose his mind. My mother used to tell me she was burdened and annoyed by having to care for him in any way. She resented him for the condition he found himself. It was painful, emotionally, to be around. She would even would embarrassed of him in public, his motor skills. and lack thereof, that she'd yell at him, like a child, when he was merely eating. As soon as he passed away, she got rid of everything (down to double digit photo albums) of my fathers. I grabbed 3 suitcases full of things that meant something to me that belonged to my dad. Anything I couldn't fit in suitcases, and the 3,000 mile flight home, that she was throwing in the garbage. It was so cruel in his life, as in his death. A year out, since the passing of my father, she, at 70, got a double thigh lift and a tummy tuck. How vain and dangerous! Another two years later, she got married to a new man (she was married to my father for 44 years when he passed). and I never even knew she was re-married until she sent a Christmas card this year, and she had some stickers made with her and her new "husband's name" on it, slapped it on the card, and sent it to me. That one, and digesting that reality, that she'd remarried, via a "sticker" felt like a karate kick to the face. She's horribly cruel. I didn't think she had the ability, after years of no-contact, that a sticker could trigger me so. But, rightfully so. And it was a low blow, below the belt, and her classic style; completely passive aggressive.
I’m sorry for the horrible experience your father and you went through. It’s such injustice. How long was she his carer for and how did the situation finally break? (Eg he had an accident, or she got fed up and left, etc, and he presumably went into a nursing home?)
Dr Ramani, thank you for covering this important subject! As a long term care worker, I have seen this happening so many times, it is incredibly sad to witness.
Thank you Dr. Ramani You helped me a lot to understand why I was suffering from those feelings and complex relationships with narcissist as a ex wife and a daughter
A person who's been under long term narc abuse can get pre dementia symptoms. Once they go no contact they can somewhat recover through various stress relief techniques such as 15 minutes yoga breathing every 2 or 3 hours, a full body self massage at least once a day and tai chi for 10 minutes a few times a day. The stress caused in the body from thoughts alone can make a person sick. Learning to change thought patterns is very important. Mantras of positive affirmations are important as repetition is the mother of all learning. The brain has to be literally rewired over years from the inside out and the outside in.
Very sorry that your Mom has dementia. My Mom had Ahlzeimers dementia but she wasn’t narcissistic either but my Dad who had passed away much longer before her had real anger issues. But whether he had full blown narcissism I am not sure. But you are right I would not wish this on anymore. It was very sad to watch my Mom change so much but we were able to keep her in her home which she wanted to do so much until she had a stroke and passed in less then a week. Praying for you❤️🙏
May I recommend a book? It's called The 36hr Day. It will help you process and understand stages and changes. It's indexed like a manual. and it saved me and my father. Stay strong Madison. breath and give yourself space when you can even if it's to meditate. It's a horrific disease to endure and there is no relief from the grief. It's the longest goodbye because every day they wake up a different person than who you knew them to be. Don't be terrified. It can be scary but you're witnessing a stage. That stage will pass. the aggression is mostly fear. play music that you recall your mom listening to most often when you were younger. Music is a key to the parts of the mind that don't really deteriorate until the palliative stages. Good vibes to you. if you need a release, tap at me. talking helps. you're not alone.
I think there is clearly a relationship between narcissistic personality disorder and dementia. Narcissism is a mental state, where people are constantly phantasizing about themselves, they either, like my narc mother lived in a constant self centered denial and self pity of needing nobody and don’t get any social impulse by other people neither being able to react on it adequately without getting angry or they have phantasies of greatness and immortality. Both types have in common, that they live in their own reality which requires a lot of cognitive effort to stabilize themselves. A narc doesn’t act on logic but on irrational behavior manipulation and lies about himself and others to recreate their false persona. So, when aging sets in and their brain declines, also the false self begin to crumble and they will end up in an almost schizophrenic state.
❤🎉❤ Magnificent gratitude beautiful Goddess Dr. RAMANI 🎉🎉🎉 I'm super happy i purchased Ur book, once I started learning, I couldn't stop... I'm 8 months away and super glad my narcissistic x husband is a veteran, THEY CAN HAVE HIS ABUSIVE NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY 2 CARE 4.....🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉 YIPPEE YIPPEE WHOOOOOOO NO GUILT ❤❤❤I LOVE ME NOW 🎉❤🎉 anyone reading this, the abusive narcissistic gets worse with age.... They also go more crazy and do things U WILL NEVER EXPECT... EVEN KILLING ANIMALS 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
My dad is not narcissistic and was diagnosed with parkinsons in 1997 and mom being a covert vaunrable narcissist corosivily controlled me into being his care partner. She was everything Ramani said over the years, it has been me and dad fighting to stay positive and loving since I can remember. Today he is on his death bed and she has moments of genuine love that hurt me so badly because of all the neglect, abusiveness, and outright hatred for us over the last 20 years. Especially the last 3 years of heavy cognitive decline and dementia related issues. This experience is what woke me up. Thank you Dr. Ramani, you've given me the focus to be fully present with my dad over these last few years. Moments that would have slipped away without any awareness or deeper meaning if I had remained blind to the control. I am truly better prepared for this new phase in my life because of it!
Who here has seen the narcissist in your life abuse a vulnerable loved one? Seeing my narc father constantly scream at my grandmother with severe dementia was one of my most traumatizing experiences.
Yes, my dad would get very irritated with my mom because she was in the beginning stages of dementia, and he didn't want to accept the reality. If I ever tried to smooth things over and say that her memory is not so good anymore, he would get mad at me and tell me not to say those things -- like I was insulting her or something, while he was the one who was doing that. I have had to have him trespassed from our house, because I won't tolerate him anymore.
Yes! My father was slowly suffering with advanced copd. Sometimes he would have trouble getting to the bathroom on time. And my mother would loudly and viciously complain in front of him about how she had to keep washing his pants because he would wet them. (I went out and bought him a pile of new lounge pants, so if it happened, he could simply change them And wash the wet ones when it was convenient . Why my mother couldn’t think to do that God only knows.) she asked him to pour the red wine at a family gathering, knowing that his hands shook terribly because of all the steroids he was taking, and he could barely stand up himself. When wine spilled on her precious white tablecloth, she yelled and talk to him like a little child in front of everyone who is there. I’ll never forget it because I was so furious. She also complained incessantly that there was some thing she wanted to go to, and she couldn’t do it because she had to be with my dad. When he died, he was feeling guilty because she didn’t get to do what she wanted. He basically told me that on his deathbed. I will never forgive her for how she acted. These may seem like minor things. But my father was a very sweet man and indeed, he probably enabled her narcissism for their entire married life because he survived by doing whatever she said. When he died, my mother actually made the comment that she “didn’t realize how hard it was for him to breathe because he never seemed that bad.“ I remember, just looking at her and my mouth dropped open. The man could hardly breathe! And she didn’t realize how hard it was for him?
Yeah narcs are truly nasty due to the lack of empathy for others,they don't care about the most vulnerable of us🙄... Whenever I 👀 a old narc end up with Dementia & themselves become very vulnerable as a result,I personally don't feel bad for them because it's like my favorite old saying goes..."You reap what you yourself have sown".
My elderly mother abusing a 23 lb dog that I love very much has been a very traumatizing experience, due to helplessness. If I helped, if I tried to protect him, it would get worse. So I had to not help to lessen or stop the abuse… She figured out how to train him to pretend to like her even with the abuse, and stay away from me a good portion of the time-in other words she figured out how to DARVO using the dog.
My great grandmother and great aunt both had dementia in their later years and neither of them were narcissists. I never met my great grandmother, but my great aunt was the sweetest woman and despite her failing memory, she was pleasant to be around.
Do you know for certain and sincerely believe that this person doesn't care about you? I lost my Mum to Alzheimer's and now my dad has been struggling with Dementia which will lead to Alzheimer's. It's a different experience for both of them. I sometimes feel like my Dad doesn't care about me but I also know that the dementia is forcing him to turn inwards because he gets lost in his thoughts. There is a book called the 36 hr day. If you want to understand the disease it's a stellar guide. and it's indexed so you can explore all the abnormal (for that person) behaviors. On the other hand, if you've always believed that she never cared about you, remember that when they are gone you'll be carrying those emotions every day for years.
@@estellewinters8502 well, my mother’s words and actions, for quite some time have made it clear how she has felt about me and how she’d like to destroy me. As a result, there is no filial piety and no guilt on my part. This is similar to that phrase that says something to the effect of, “If you wanted me to write well of you, you should’ve behaved better.” If there should be any guilt, that belongs to the narcissistically-abusive parent. Not the child they mistreated, who owes them nothing.
@@sparkygump I have a great deal of conscience, as well as the fact that I loved my mother dearly and was, perhaps, the closest child to her. But, having a conscience does not mean allowing victimization or perpetually forgiving someone. That they wound up with dementia or any other disease, does not mean that what they’ve done needs to be overlooked. I think the world gets away with this - a lot. That, never mind what your parents did to you. Never mind that having them as your parents has been, as Dr. Ramani has called it, “being robbed”. Once that parent becomes ill, you’re to drop your life for them and scurry in, doing all you can, had that person been a decent human being. That doesn’t work for everyone as, there are even targets and victims who are appreciative and protective over their own lives, as well.
Both dementia and narcissism are rampant in my family. At this point it’s just a waiting game before it gets my dad and older sis. Dementia prompts an enormous amount of pain and sadness in me after seeing many beloved family members go through it, not just the narcs, but I don’t even know what i will do when my primary abusers in life have it. Sincerely don’t want to abandon them in their time of vulnerability, but they are also enormously cruel and vapid people who have caused a lot of trauma in me and at this point I’m not talking to them and not likely to jump on board as a caregiver. The question is whether my intervening family members will need my help at that point, because they’re likely to bear the brunt of it, and I don’t want THEM to suffer. On the other hand, if I or another family member get it while our family narcs don’t, we will all be screwed. The family narcs won’t be helping, though they will likely do what they did with grandma, great-aunt, etc, which is style themselves as saviors while making the problem worse.
I’ve noticed a strong correlation between a sugar/alcohol/ high carb diet and my family of narcs dementia. The more they eat high carb the worse they get.
@@gracegwozdz8185 you're right. If interested, check out a surgeon, Dr. Pradip Jamnadas who has videos here and also a book, The End of Alzheimer's by Dr. Bredesen. There are many many more doctors who are also helpful, the ones supporting keto diets and intermittent fasting.
Before I actually realized that my mother was a narcissist, I remember years ago, watching, how she “cared for“ my grandmother, when she was dying. Much of that care was aggressively cleaning my grandmothers house, which included stomping around and dragging pots out from under the sink, and scrubbing the counters underneath all the while complaining about how filthy everything was. And acting very much the murder. What is interesting is that my grandmother would tell my aunt to please keep her sister away from her because she was driving her nuts. Her sister being my mom. My poor grandmother.
When I turned on your video and begin watching it I was looking for an answer about my dementia narcissistic father. He has selfish tendencies still and he's in nearly the last stage of dementia. But I do not dare get into his refrigerator or use his bathroom I'm his daughter and caregiver and I really am frustrated about his selfish behavior. I know he was all that and a bag of chips when he was younger and that made him one of the worst grandiose narcissist.
This is what I’m going through right now. I had to hand her back to hospital because I just couldn’t any more…old wounds have been gouged open, I will need to seek help to reclose them
This is so timely for me! I’ve experienced a lot of narcissism in my life, starting with my family of origin. I am 64 and have just found this channel 2 years ago...life changing, Dr. Ramani! I’ve been wondering about the correlation between the N spouse and how this affects/exacerbates their spouse with dementia. Examples: My N mom and my Alzheimer’s dad...my N male neighbor and his wife with dementia...my N grandpa and my grandma with Alzheimer’s...and at present, my N FIL and my MIL with dementia. It’s almost like the N loves the power and their spouse ends up with dementia after years of repression. So very sad! PS: you have helped me navigate/survive these relationships...but most of all you are helping me find myself and hang onto my self worth throughout the chaos. Thank you so much!
Dementia is HORRIBLE! my mom had Alzheimers disease and I knew it was dementia. MDs were saying it was ONLY depression and anxiety. Wrong. My mom suffered greatly for years before getting the DX just 12 days before her death
@@calebcreationofsound2182 thank you! It was so hard to care for my mom. She's not suffering now tho. And neither am I....it was horrible seeing her rapid decline
@@sandbar3000 So very sad for everyone involved.. caregiver(s), patient, loving family members, grand children & devoted friends. Not to mention the financial burden, energy drain & difficult decision making during her decline. Shame on the insensitive idiotic medical community you had to deal with.. just unconscionable. RIP for your mother’s sake, and peace for her loved ones🦋
Dr. Ramani, From the bottom of my heart, thank you so much for this video. My father has dementia and my mother is narcissistic. I am the scapegoat daughter who moved back to my hometown after 29 years away to help care for my father. It is a very challenging situation. Everything is as you describe in this video.
No jokes I lost my stepfather last year after a long 5 year battle with Kidney failure and Dementia at 74. He's 16 years older than my mom and they met when I was in elementary school but didn't get married until I was in high school at 15. I mention that because he put thoughts in my mother's head that made her treat me different before they were married. He already having a weak relationship with his children, tried to convince my mom that she messed up with her only child. I had to grow up the rest of that time fighting to prove something that wasn't true and mom making excuses and cleaning up things he destroyed. It damn near killed me and moms closeness. And since he died, it manifested in my mom's denial and lashing out. I was almost 25 when things turned because he started to fall ill. I didn't ignore him or leave him hanging but seeing how mother really was though she loved him, she regretted her a lot but didn't want to accept it. We stuck by and she spent countless amounts of money and time to be there. She then made it other peoples fault when she wasn't happy anymore. we've fought over her decision to stay because she saw that he was along for the ride. She worked the whole time and he was retired. Y'all love yourselves and hold close to your families. Don't chose others over your feelings and wants because you will pay for them and so will others around you. Marry and have children because you want to, not because you want to pass off accountability.
I'm so sorry, it's really sad the destruction they cause. My dad is the narc that was apart of my life and he's a step "father" now to two young kids but I only always seen him picking on my step brother not that I want him to pick on anyone but I noticed my dad hates boys/men my dad has 5 children at least that we know of but he never cared to have a relationship with my brothers. It's terrible to me because overtime I seen him do exactly what your stepfather did putting things in his wife's head about her son and from the last time I was around she started mistreating him too.
This is common, unfortunately. It’s one of the reasons why people develop narc tendencies. Dementia and the psychological cacophony are very difficult to explain , but you did it well here. It’s like holding onto a bunch of venomous snakes and hoping not to get bitten.
Forgive your mother because your step father knew her weakness and used it to his advantage.Your mother has been made to doubt herself so she no longer identify herself without him.Cry ,forgive and let it go.You have a whole life ahead.
Thank you for your kind words. I didn't blame her for my problems however the issues that happened were not properly addressed. I don't have an issue with moving on. It doesn't take away from how it was brought up though.
@@brandonf.8360 Yep probably the main reason why we find each other here is because there are issues in our lives that were not addressed properly.We have to reparent ourselves.🙏🏾
I can totally believe that narcissism can mask early signs of dementia. My stbx says and does some crazy things, and his rages are nonsensical. I have often wondered about this potential link. I'd like to know about any link to alcohol consumption as well.
I’ve seen the full onset of dementia and I can notice the early symptoms of cognitive function deterioration that will lead up to dementia in certain people. Their mental cognitive function is deteriorating faster their than physical function. I’ve also noticed the difference you mention about the intensifying of the personality, either being too nice, or monstrous, and can I notice the facial expressions and personality associated with it. Confused and scares facial expressions for the nice ones, and mean and monstrous for the other kind.
@@alfordromney8784 Another symptom I am noticing is that with the early onset of dementia, the person is losing hair evenly across the head, but there really isn’t a sign of a receding hair line. I noticed this in a few people , male and female.
👍❤ I worked with the elderly in a nursing home, and memory care facility. It's so true that the dementia magnifies the person's personality! The ones that were mean before they became demented, were violent, abusive monsters!!! And, the sweet ones were even kinder.
This is very interesting. My ex-husband (covert narcissist) was all about preventing dementia. He was incredibly worried about it in his 20's. It was a big deal to him. Now I get why.
Thank you for this video! My father has dementia and has NPD. His wife, my step mother passed away a few years ago and he was no longer able to take care of himself. At that time My mother, his ex wife agreed to be his day to day care giver while I manage his money and doctors appointments. You are very correct we both have a mix of emotions. I am caught in the zone of grief watching him deteriorate, managing the stress of making the right decisions for him AND my mother who has to deal with the day to day stress of it all. She has flashbacks of his NPD behavior from when they were married and I so get it. It so hard.
My narcissist ex’s narcissist mom got dementia and lost what few filters she had 🙄 I would say she had been a covert narcissist, but became overt as the dementia progressed. Lots of grandiosity, and overt nastiness when she had previously been much more passive aggressive. She would make nasty comments about me to my ex, who would then pass them along to me because he “needed to tell somebody.” 🤦🏼♀️ So glad I got out and won’t have to be his caretaker if/when he develops dementia!
Bipolar disorder can present with pseudo-dementia and mental impairments and not just a mood disorder. If you are living with someone with dementia, please hire some help to come in to give you a break. If you can't afford it, find a way to barter so you have some peace to yourself. It's a very big job caring for someone with dementia and it takes a team effort.
Please do more like this. Everything you are saying is so true. I have dealt with it for years with parents and even now with others. Not many understand the frustrations. And there ain’t no pills to cure it!
there is already something out of line with a narcissist, the only difference I observed in my narcissistic mother was as she developed dementia it was as though the gate opened and she could not hide her malice anymore. The mask slipped even in public and in front of her Doctor.
After a lifetime of psycopathy, psychotic schizophrenia, paranoia and bipolar disorder, our mother developed mrdically-induced Parkinson and then dementia. As she aged, she was less able to control her disorders and started to show them to the 'outside', which made life easier for us since we had previously lived with at least 2 personalities, the worst and cruellest reserved for her child. No one could believe that this seemingly charming, well-turned-out woman was actually a monster who would make sure her child was watching before inducing an epileptic attack, out of which she would wake up psychotic. She would walk around naked, holding a bar of soap and creep into boxes - a truly terrifying experience for a child. When I rang the social worker, she would bring herself together and say I was imagining everything and that I was the one that was sick.
This is such an eye opener. This is a very real thing. 💔 Thank you for sharing this wealth of knowledge, Dr. Ramani! It's so important to not only know what is going on but why.
Thank you for your videos it’s allowing me to have a better understanding of the issues and people that I’m dealing with I’ll tell you what though it’s made me cry quite a lot but it’s allowing me to figure out how to move forward so that I can have a happy life that I deserve 14 years with a narcissist first year of recovery
thanks for making this. It helped. It’s what I’m going through right now and it’s harder grief than if she just died. She turned 100x more evil, paranoid and cruel. My old grandma is dead and it must be that she was sark and cruel
Oooff! This is a 3 y.o. video I should have seen 10 years ago. So much is relevant, I can’t even begin to list everything in this I've experienced. I suppose I have to say 'Thank you' for the validation.
My spouse has signs of dementia but the doctors are not diagnosing it which makes it super hard to get support. I can’t afford to just leave and wish I could go back to the younger me and tell her to run. At the rate it’s going he will outlive me because of the stress.
My sister and I would always talk about what we would do when our mother died. However, my sister died and so I am left with the possible caretaking. I’m really angry. Extremely angry. Because I do not want to be tied down, or emotionally eroded anymore.
I am the second to youngest of nine, and I accepted the responsibility of caring for my mom. My dad and some of the other family members show strong signs of narcissistic personality disorder, even though never diagnosed (they rarely get diagnosed, don't they?). Thankfully, I was able to trespass my dad from coming to the house, and the toxic others are staying away at least for now. I am angry because I get very little help from the rest of my family. Since they cannot seem to help by coming to help with the maintenance of Mom's house, they could at least give us financial help every month for me to get someone in to do things that I can't. So, I feel I have to not only take care of Mom 24/7, I also have to fix things that need to be repaired or maintained and that have not been for the past 10 years. Some things I can't do, like fix loose ceiling fans so they won't fall out of the ceiling (in my bedroom). The house needs to be repainted inside and out, the roof needs to be replaced. I feel so overwhelmed and her having diabetes and dementia make things so much worse. I am being worn down and don't have any time for myself, my own mental health is suffering.
I' ll never take care of my narcissist family who has dementia. That person ruined my life so why should I help them live a longer life when they took away a lot my life. No way.
My overt narcissistic, abusive father suffered from a very rapidly worsening vascular dementia that within a couple of years after diagnosis, caused his death. I believe my covert ex husband has shown signs of early onset dementia over the past few years. His older brother, who displays very similar patterns of narcissistic behaviors, has FTD. Very sad to see and interesting that they all have narcissistic personalities.
Very informative program - thank you! My husband developed dementia and I was so thankful I had been able to retire early and could thus be his caregiver. He died four years ago and I am still healing from being his full time caregiver. Dr. Ramani’s so right: it’s an exhausting task on all levels. All the best to anyone dealing with this cruel disease - I highly recommend Teepa Snow’s UA-cam videos about dementia.
This is my current situation. I had to unpack a lot of shame and confusion. Prayers to others who are going thru this. I take a little time away (every day) to regroup, read and ground myself in my own standards and character and do my best to compartmentalize and keep a hand on my expectations. It helps. There is no right answer but doing what I know to be right to me ...in spite of and not because of-within reason...is my sanctuary 🧡Godspeed NARC Survivors!
I believe that long term exposure to a narcissist can cause dementia in the victim. I have witnessed someone who was told they are developing dementia get better after divorcing their narcissistic spouse of 58 years. I would love to know if there is any research which concludes that long term narcissistic abuse can lead to dementia in victims.
A difficult area to consider. As if dementia was not enough, the combo with N is explosive. The grey area you mention between where the personality ends and the dementia begins is something I’m beginning to witness. Thank you for making this video 🙏
I've had a wide range of family or friends who experienced all kinds of forms of dementia and Narcissistic disorders. We may not know when the trouble begins, because when the person deregulates, negates symptoms might bring about a delay in getting access to help later on, which can add to a very stressful situation, which gave me to study nursing, my grandmother was a nurse, and Sarah's grandmother on his side had diabetes and Sarah stepped up and helped her out immensely on his side was also a nurse. It is a good idea to try and make a plan and if it works out that's great, and even if it didn't work out the full way you thought it might, you learn a lot that way as well. One learns who are your friends are real fast. Thanks, dr.
Father was diagnosed with dementia, but my narcissistic mother doesn't "believe" in it. Even worse, she wont let anyone else near the man. Very sad to watch.
My mother's dementia and narcissism have me a prisoner right now. I pray I can find her a home soon, but she's also on a fixed budget, so I keep hitting walls when looking for help with her. She wanders off and is violent. I'm alone taking care of her. This is so hard.
@@SparkingLife111 yes, thank you for asking. She is in long term care now. I’m still dealing with her care, but at least she and I are both safe now. 🩷
I'm going through what has been termed "dissociative amnesia", it's transient. But it's not been investigated from a neurological perspective. This is making me rethink if I need extra exploratory assessment. Thank you doctor.
Yep - Once again Dr Ramani is spot on. It's the poisonous gift from 👹 that keeps on giving. Once more, the decent & caring are left to clean up the mess. From experience...boundaries are essential. There are limits. Don't destroy your own life while stepping up to the plate to do what's right. Be strong brothers & sisters.
In all honesty, in my situation with my aging narcissistic mother, I’ve left. I felt that I likely, appropriately, determined that, in looking back, she had issues with narcissism, long before she had any issues functioning. That, as she had any ideas floating around in her head about using me, was enough for me to put an end to it, let alone the attempts at abuse, that ensued, in more recent years. I also knew what the likely turnout would be as, my mother was my stepfather’s full-time caregiver, for likely vascular dementia, for about 10 years. I’d even told her that she needs to take care of herself and make plans, because she would not have a full-time caregiver, should her life take a similar path. When she cared for my stepfather, it was all she did and she lived with him. My sister, myself and my mother live separately and my sister and I work. My sister works 3-4 jobs. As much as outsiders might like to think that you can “work that out”, yeah, you can, as long as you don’t mind losing your livelihood, healthcare and retirement benefits, your own long term care if provided by your employer, all you’ve ever worked for and your own mind. There’s also an assumption that you just need to work with your employer when, sometimes, the worst thing you can do, is to let your employer know that you have something that may compromise and compete with your work. As far as the employer is concerned, the work has to be done. If not by you, someone else will do. This, despite employers that offer “support”. I wouldn’t tell them anything, if it can be avoided. I say this because I work for that type of employer. Someone I know had to leave the country to care for their parents. They were even still keeping up their work schedule, as if they were here. Ultimately, the employer didn’t care and told them that they’d have to return to this country. Basically, it’s, “Say goodbye to your parents, if you like getting paid.“ The person returned because their paycheck also pays for their parents’ care. What I’ve been told, for my situation, is that my mother will likely become a ward of the state, if she cannot care for herself. Her assets will be acquired and sold, for the benefit of her care. As I would likely be disinherited anyway and they’d be able to provide her better care than my sister and I would, that is likely the best option, if she has or will have dementia at all. So, as cold and indifferent as it may sound, I’ve looked at the situation long and hard. I’ve tried, as best I can to determine what her issues are as not even the police bringing her to the psych unit 3 years ago, made her open to allowing them to test her for anything. I’ve looked into dementia, frontotemporal issues, and NPD. While se likely has a bevy of co-morbid issues in and outside of Cluster B and the personality disorder realm, there is really nothing I nor my sister can do about it. And as my mother has been quite successful at triangulating my sister and I, there’s not even any cooperation between us. I already know it would entirely end up in my lap, with my sister, with baited breath, hoping I drop dead along with mom, so she can finally get all she’s never worked for. If our mother becomes a ward of the state, my sister will become mighty disappointed though. In fact, so will the rest of my family. Because all of them hope that I will sacrifice my life, for the express purpose of making certain they have. They can go do battle with the state then...
a my moms dementia came on and worsened, my narcissistic dad became, at times, very patient and loving with her, for short spans of time. He tried to control himself for her. He was 20 times worse to the Rest of us! But he did NOT encourage her to get diagnosed or treatment, decided in his one mind she couldntnhandle having her cataract removed, that injections for macular degeneration, which he didnt want, she wouldnt get either. Hes dead now, shes blind and dementia was never treated. She was completely manipulated by my narc siblings, i the lucid honest one, was kept away (triangulation) by manipulating her, lawyers & cops.😢
I'm in the exact situation that Dr. Ramani described. My narc husband developed dementia after our kids were grown and I had finally left him. He had no friends or family interested in caring for him because he was awful to everyone. Our adult son tragically passed away right around the time my estranged husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer's/FTD. I've been his caregiver ever since, five years now. No one else will care for him and I'm at my wits end with trying to get him into a nursing facility that accepts his insurance. I have no freedom and need to be done with caring for him. He's always been a jerk and appreciates nothing that I do. It's time for ME to put myself first! Yet I can't kick a 75 year old Alzheimer's patient out to the curb..
My 75 yo mother is in the same situation but still married to him. She's been lovingly caring for him for 8 years since he had a massive stroke and he still treats her like shit.
Thank you for addressing this specific complex combination of “disasters”. This has been such a huge challenge..& very little information out there for us.. the caregiver who ends up holding the bag! Thank you always for being spot on, to the point AND supportive of the survivors of the abuse!
Would love to hear how narcissistic abuse connects with panic disorder. I still struggle with being on the verge of this condition since my recent divorce from a narcissist, that I was diagnosed with after experiencing prolonged trauma in my twenties from my first narcissistic relationship.
My mother in law is a narcissistic person with dementia. We had to call the police on her tonight (we live with her) as she kept trying to force her way into our bedroom(the last time she slapped my wife). Then she tried to tell the police I hurt her arm when I shut the door. What did the police and ems do: nothing. She really can act like a sweet little old lady, then act like a total vicious person while they are gone. We don’t have a medical POA so we can’t make her go to the hospital for evaluation. So we’re screwed until we sell the house.
I am in caregivers’ prison. We have been married for 32 years. My 88 year old wife, who was abused by her narcissistic first husband & produced 4 children, 3 of whom are narcissists. From a caregivers point of view, it bloody horrendous being in this situation, not just protecting my wife from the gaslighting abuse & manipulation, but also trying to preserve my own mental health & wellbeing, whilst navigating this caregiving role/journey. The first stage to looking after myself, so that I can serve my wife, was telling her abusive adult children to fuck off. This was when I caught them trying to manipulate her onto giving them money. My story is too long, to share here, but my advice to anyone on this caregiving journey, is to make life easier for yourself by cutting out toxic people who will suck your energy, have people around you, that enhance your journey & not take from it. There is a very good book, called ‘The unexpected journey of caregiving” - when you find yourself in this position, I learnt a huge amount about myself, or rather, It helped clarify my inner knowing, enabling to create a smooth path for my wife’s eventual transition. The grief is huge & a long goodbye, but that is another story.......peace everyone 🙏
Thank you (my Mom). She was aggressive verbally and physically. for the longest time. But now that she has care and meds she has become this nice, sweet person all of a sudden. The mother I never had and don't have at the same time(get it). It's been rough and I feel like I have had problems with here and grieving for her all my adult life.
Don’t argue with a narcissist, their lies are their truths, and they want to watch you go crazy trying to prove it.
Thank you for saying this.
Yes
they just keep stalling everything by spamming lies, and when it gets to hard to keep it up ? must be dementia...
well-said
@@RiRi-bx5vp be careful with these people my friend, and keep your distance.
My mother was a narcissistic person towards me most of my life. She would back stab me to family members and other people. She criticised what i wore, who i married etc. When certain issues happened in our family, and mum was diagnosed with dementia, I was left caring for her on my own. I had suffered narcissist abuse from all of my siblings, they ostracized me when i took on the responsibility of caring for my mother. I nursed my mum for 10 1/2 years. If i hadn't studied nursing, aged care, mental health and human sciences, I wouldn't have lasted the length of the journey. The only family i have now is my disabled son. He means the world to me. Life is lonely, but i would rather be lonely than put up with narcissitic abuse.
Wow I just read my story only I didn't write it, you did! The only difference I saw in your story was that you're a nurse and I definitely am not lol.
🙏🏾
You are not alone. I would hug you if it were possible. I do believe that you'll be blessed for your service and you won't be lonely for much longer
Frances, what a STRONG WOMAN you ARE!!You deserve an honor for taking care of your mom for so long. I send you a HUGE hug because you are a beautiful person!😊
@@jtoland2333 that's right praise God 🙂
My mom has mid stages vascular dementia and Alzheimers...she's also a malignant narcissist. I knew I made the right decision to move her to a nursing home when someone told me that my mom may outlive me bcs of the stress I had to deal with being her caregiver. I have some piece of mind now knowing she's in a safe place since I cannot be with her 24/7 (I work full time and live in a different zip code), BUT, she knows she's not in her own home no matter what I do to create a comfortable environment for her. She is more vile than ever, has a permanent angry look, she refuses to join activities, she gets angier when someone tries to make her laugh or smile. Losing her independence and sense of control of everything has made her extremely apathetic. My anxiety has lessened a bit, but I'm always in fear she may attack a nurse and get kicked out of that facility. So, I feel like no matter what I do for her, at home or in a facility, she will simply never be satisfied or happy. She thrives on anger and venomous insults. I just need to accept that and understand that any peaceful moment I may have with her is even more scarse now and limited. But SELF CARE is EVERYTHING!!! I will not let an 81 year old outlive me....Im 46, no kids, no partner. I have the right also reach 81 without being a scapegoat to anyone ever again.
Sounds so familiar to my situation. How have things progressed with yours? I hope you are healthy and happy. You deserve that.
Keep grounded and keep going❤
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
You deserve to live a life you desire. I am dealing with a 90 year old narcissistic mother and I am frazzled. I hope you find true peace.
Do not internalize her anger. I want my mom in a secure facility due to her history of physical (and every other kind) against me. My brothers were totally untouched growing up but very aware and glad it was not them.
She hates women and lower level care facilities would just be an invitation for her to attack the predominantly female staff and residents.
My father's letters were always so weird, I did not recognize the onset of his dementia.
The only time her said he loved me was when he was very advanced dementia and I set him up.
He was child-like and the nicest he had ever been with me. When he died, I cried for the relationship that hadn't been.
My dad was an overt N and physically abusive. When he died, I did not grieve but was simply sad for the relationship I never had and always fantasized should have been: one of loving, compassion, caring and a recognition of me as me & not as supply. I was of no use to him if I wasn’t stroking his ego. So sad.
I just heard about this. My hairdresser told me a story of one of his clients that she was going to divorce her husband and found out he had dementia before they got divorced . He then turned into the guy that she had originally fell in love with but was losing to dementia. Heartbreaking
Narcs burn all their bridges, they will end up alone and no one will want to care for them. Karma.
sadly some of their victims end up alone.
@@John-tp5gc absolutely. My brother future faked for children until she hit menopause, isolated from the only kids (mine) that would have potentially taken care of him, he will be alone from now until his end days.
I needed to watch this video. I didn't know what narcissism was, but after my father passed away I experienced my mother's 100% concentrated nastiness (that my father suffered through for many years). Apparently he was the buffer. So then she went into mental decline and whoa!!! The things she did and said were awful! My brother's protected her because they were not around like I was. Long story short, I went No Contact because I had a 3 year old child and she was starting up on her too. My brother's can deal with that ugliness if they want to pretend everything is ok.
GOOD FOR YOU PROTECTING YOUR SWEET 3 Year OLD!! KUDOS. GOOD JOB🎉🎉🎉
One of my fears is that prolonged exposure to narcs will deteriorate my mental state to the point of memory loss. I’m not sure how rational this is but when my narc mother opened the door I could not think straight. I would lose focus easily if they were around me because I was putting all my thoughts on walking on eggshells around them and making sure I don’t look to happy or too sad. For the first time in years I will be living alone without a narc and I’m really excited to see the peace of mind and focus I can generate
Having a narc in your life definitely feels like you are having a “mental decline”! I know what you mean about all those symptoms.. that are basically survival mode! Stay strong!
Exactly
My best wishes, finally you are free and please stay strong! Maybe it was just on the point you leaving before real mental and physical health problems would appear.
Being brainwashed from birth for every decade of life takes years for the brain fog to partially clear.
I'm taking a time management and goal setting course on Coursera. I'm done with the crazy and the waste of time and energy. I hope to recover my focus and get my small business going. I would bet this helps me recover my mind.
A narcissist with developing dementia is… horrible. Zero compliance or cooperation with anything. Won’t listen to doctors. Won’t take meds. Cancels appointments. Negates every thing the caregiver tries to do or say to help them.
Same here. I think they will hang up themselves one day in their own mental prison. And this is very traumatic to watch. My mother rejects everything particularly when it comes from me, her only caregiver at this moment. It took many efforts to take her to the doctor and making her take her diabetes pills. I won’t do this again. There is only rejection and not any hint of compliance besides she one day will decide for herself to take these pills or maybe searching for support. But until now she is still in denial about dementia about planning for the future, she thinks she will live forever…I decided it to let her alone and the next step would be the hospital one day I think or they will take her home one day when she get lost anywhere in the city. In my opinion she should have gone already since years in a hospital for mental diseases instead of making the life of her only daughter a living hell. But these narcs project their own flaws only on others. My father was a narc too, they both worked well together against me until he left my mother for his 26 years younger girlfriend who had more money.
yes!
If you have been hesitant to ditch the Narcissist in your life, think of dementia. Dementia is what you will get if you stay with toxic people and put up with chronic stress for too long.
Fact
The worst part is dealing with an aging narcissist. They get worse the older they get. If they end up with any kind of dementia, memory problems or any other cognitive decline, they get meaner, nastier and quite vicious. Even milder covert narcissists get like that. It's hell to deal with. I am not kidding. Absolute hell. It's important that anyone dealing with a narcissist gets away as quickly as possible, for your own sanity and well being.
@@andreaanonymous5474 Absolutely 💯
So hard to make this decision if it’s your parent. I am no contact now with my mom…. No dementia for her - she was tested - but she is sooooo narcissistic and toxic. The most negative self centered person I know. And, yes, I know it affects my mental health and stress level goes through the roof .
I agree
That was exactly my experience last year with my Dad. You couldn't tell if it was the dementia, the narcissism, the machavelianism, or what. There was nothing to do but redirect and wait. But that did cause problems when it wasn't the dementia and he remembered and understood that he was being redirected. After months of having to incrementally remove dangers, like locking up silverware, locking the refrigerator to avoid food ending up in random hiding places where it would rot, locking the pantry and garage to prevent chemicals and tools and non-perishables from going missing, being used in dangerous ways, removing the stove knobs, child proofing and keeping track of cell phones so they would not get lost, broken or so badly reconfigured that they were essentially bricked And never would he ever consider the slightest possibility that he needed help.
When he presented well, the narc and mach characteristics kicked in and he was very shrewd to manipulate people to get what he wanted. But he had no concept or care of how that affected him, his circumstances or anyone around him.
WOW!
Wow where is he now? Did someone live w him during that time? I need a ttacker on moms phone do u know the name if the one u used? All i know is googles find my phone was useless
This sounds exactly like where my dad is at now. We just put him into a care home for two weeks respite care so my mum didn't die from the stress of being with him. Three days in and he's attacked another resident and then run around all night throwing furniture around. Next day he's attacked another two people. I don't see this getting better before it gets much worse!
this year i realized the reason this person was so abusive to me the last 10+ years is because they secretly knew their mental health was declining and instead of asking for help or support she lashed out at me, the youngest and easiest target.
@@akazinsomniac3007 count me in :D
I believe my mother’s lashing out came long before she began to age or show any decline. She just did as she pleased, which has come to bite her, appropriately.
All of this is so relatable 😭
Can being with a narc for many years, cause the same signs of dementia?
I'm sorry you are going through this, it can be tough. The important thing is that you now know! So, use that information to insulate yourself, make the other siblings aware so you can recognize the mischief coming your way and it doesn't all land on one person -- you! The craftiness that continues to exist with those in decline should not be underestimated. My n-parent managed to turn the family against one another using all the old narcissist tricks Dr. Ramani talks about! Be careful and take care of yourself and, where possible, one another!
I suspect my NARC dad is showing early onset signs of dementia. I woke up this morning and started researching and here is this video. Fascinating and frightening. Thank you!!!!
My dad is going through the same thing. We're still questioning whether it's dementia or bipolar disorder, but he refuses to get evaluated. He stopped working (had always been a never-miss-work kind of guy), barley eats or sleeps, isn't keeping up with bills, and doesn't maintain body care. He is just becoming this manic party animal who wants to drink all the time and laugh constantly. He already has 2 restraining orders on him due to sudden rage out-bursts and sexual harassment. =/ I feel totally overwhelmed.
@@angelaengle12 are you the caretaker for him?
@@akazinsomniac3007 I'm trying not to become that, because I'm not a medical expert. Since he absolutely refuses to get help we think the only way for him is to go to jail.
@@angelaengle12 yes sounds like you have to make some very tough decisions. Since caring for my Narc Mom I have had to become firm in my decisions too. Much luck to you and may God protect you.
@@akazinsomniac3007 Thank you. I really appreciate the support. Much love and luck to you too with handling your mom. It's not easy, that's for sure.
This is weirdly timely - my lovely ex-mother-in-law has just gone into a care home today, suffering from advanced dementia. She has been married to an abusive narcissist for decades and sadly her only child (my ex) turned into a narc too. She deserved so much better.
🙏💓
Timing is right on for me too...Thank you, Dr Ramani!
I think living with someone who does not love you who is supposed to love you causes dementia. I think the devaluing does this if we let it get to us.
🙌🙌
@@frankcrawford416 Yes, the horrible abuse endured by the non narcissistic victim can result in dementia I can clearly see. I’m afraid that it will happen to me.
As my ex monster got older, it was alarming to see how much he forgot.
He had always lied all the time and accused me of forgetting when in fact it was him.
Plus, his mind games were pure torture to me, he knew exactly what he was doing to me and smirked all the time as I literally fell completely apart and lost my mind.
One of his mind games was to tell me I was crazy and forgetting everything, in the end it was him for real.
This is exactly my husband right now! Both of his parents had dementia when they died and both were in nursing homes. He can't take care of bills, his medications, appointments, he can't drive far away, he is completely clueless 99% of the time. But if we're out around other people he behaves. But the minute you get away from them, he is a Jekyll and Hyde. And his adult kids don't want to believe this. I am the stepmom. I'm about ready to walk! Let them deal with it. Let them deal with him! They'll find out fast enough. The stress of dealing with him has really made my health go downhill. There is no family support. That's what my husband did to his stepmom. That's what they all did to her, when their dad got dementia. That poor woman was tortured and she ended up dying first and she had no health problems before that. None of them took care of their dad in their own homes. He was in a nursing home and it was her money that paid for it. And then when he died, there was some left and they got that too. I have a life insurance policy but I'm making sure that my son gets 99% of it. If I don't get support neither do they. I will also mention before this, my husband had a very bad anger problem and he is a narcissist. But a narcissist with dementia, that's a whole other level.
I've been there with my mum .
Wow......dr Ramani.....hearing this is 100% my ex partner who discarded me 5 months ago....He’s 75 years old. My first husband who passed away had dementia but he was naturally kind. As he deteriorated he stayed kind and more or less turned into a child. My recent ex partner who I associated with for 4 years is a narcissist. I wondered why he got meaner and meaner and finally with the stress of the covid he went over the edge. Everything intensified: agitation; paranoia; impulsivity; suspicion; verbally vicious; bizarre crazy ideas and behaviors and more. Now I see the narcism combined with mental deterioration turned him into a nasty rattlesnake. I guess I dodged the bullet . When he discarded me he did me a major favor. Thank the Gods. I’m free.
THANK You for saying that it’s hard to tell where narcissism ends and dementia begins. We’ve had that exact experience with my grandmother. It wasn’t until she started having hallucinations that we could get anyone to take her dementia seriously.
My mother is a narcissist and has dimentia and I experienced and experiencing all that you described. She is in assisted living facility now and I struggle with the guilty of not feeling empathic towards her. I believe there is a connection between childhood trauma, personality/temperament, nurturing, wrt narcissism and dimentia. Id love to see a longitudinal study on this.
She needs full time care. Go and see her often or call her. Get her radio in her room. Music is very good for dementia
@@evka24 it’s not fair to tell Paige to go visit her narcissistic mother often if that mother was emotionally or otherwise abusive!
@@katiedid9601 she said she struggles with guilt…rather see her and regret it ..than not to see her and have regrets….of course only as much she can take..not more often than she can
@@evka24 I appreciate this clarification. :). I read your comment very soon after going to see my narcissistic mother due to guilt feelings. She is in an independent living facility. I went with high hopes that we could repair some of our relationship, but she was as miserable as ever. But you are right: at least I did try yet again!
I’m sorry you’re in this position. My mom won’t even acknowledge her diagnosis and has driven my dad mad. What state are you in that she can be in independent living? In California I’m told she can only go to memory care, and that’s like 10-15k mo. They have very little money left, and I’m freaking out bc I’m feeling guilt, but the toxic relationship is still there.
If you know someone who is experiencing neglect as an elderly person who no longer can do their activities of daily living, call your local office on aging to ask that a social worker do a home visit. Also be aware of the possibility of financial exploitation in addition to neglect and/or abuse.
Well, my mother is so tangled up with her triangulation, and has left herself open to blackmail. She honestly deserves whatever she gets, and not my problem- much like how she always treated me.
@@Chahlie that's sad. Glad you're taking care of yourself.
Please also be aware that some Narcissistic elderly persons will manufacture neglect and claim financial exploitation in order to 'stick one' on their carer(s)/victim(s). Not a pleasant thought, but it does happen.
@@clogs4956 that's true. Hopefully, a good social worker would be able to do an accurate assessment.
@@clogs4956 yes, my mother started on this campaign claiming elder abuse, it’s disgusting, yet her other daughter the golden child, also a narc, takes the money that she has - tried to explain to her that mother needs her finances for her care and support services. Mother claiming elder abuse as she is desperately trying to hide her beginning dementia. She has the hospital and doctors fooled, but not for much longer.
This video made my anxiety skyrocket! Lol I have two Narcissistic parents and a brother! Lawd help me!
Carla, you are not alone!
I had two as well. I tried to help my father but was not welcome by the rest of the family and my mother was developing dementia at the same time. They discarded me in a Knick of time. I got out of taking care of my evil mother who hated me the most. I hope that you don’t bother with them. They don’t care about you and will just bring you down.
Not alone and a very evil younger brother
"exaggeration of personality style [with aging]" makes so much sense with my narcissistic people.
And the sudden 180 turn in personality > age 30, that is such a helpful statement.
A friend used to say “You don’t get better as you get older, you get ‘more so’.”
You don't realize how much this resonates...have been living this.
I am caring for a parent with dementia, who has been and still is a horrible individual, narc. Always been deceitful. This is the hardest thing, the problems arising from things being kept a secret(physical health problems) the nastiness, accusations, lies. I have come to the realisation that I have never liked this parent from a young age. I still don't like this parent, and yet I am stuck caring. We have such a convoluted system for aged care in Australia and the hoops one must jump through to get an assessment, and then a placement at a facility is taxing and frustrating, as a carer it just multiplies the problems you deal with everyday
I’m in this situation too Robbie in Aust. I will be seeking a public guardian for my mother, I just can’t do this anymore, while fighting off the golden child narc sister as well.
Bless you both. I hope you can find someone else to care for your narc parent.
For sure, yes all the hours of aged care administration, as well of the care giving takes a toll 👐
I was low-contact with my parents for decades, not by choice, but because they didn't care to include me in their life, other than getting me to give them money or help them with stupid financial investments that only ended up losing ME money, and making THEM lots of money. LOL! They really knew how to grift me. Anyway, I let it go, and when I got hoovered to help my dad with his illness, I realized they had been smearing me for decades. :( They triangulated me with an aunt (my mother's sister-in-law) and said she was helping them (not. Their house was in a sorry state, after decades of me telling them they needed to downsize.... but my mother didn't want to get rid of her hoard -- the only thing she could control since she had no more control over me after I separated my finances from them finally in 2021.) Anyway, after she future-faked me that if I helped pay to fix up their broken down house, she would sell, and move into assisted living, she admitted in January 2023 that she'd lied. She wasn't selling. Even though I'd brought them to tour three facilities, and my father wanted to move in immediately. My malignant narcissist mother, who all my life accused others of stealing, turned out was the one stealing...... It was ugly. So ugly. In the end, narcissists reap their karma. No one can trust them, because narcissists don't trust anyone either. Especially when they are old and get dementia. They live in a constant state of paranoia and delusions. It's crazy-making. My mother got SO MUCH WORSE with the crazy-behavior when my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She seemed more upset that he was "giving up" taking care of her, than upset that he was going to DIE. Selfish bitch. When she started triangulating my dying dad against me, that was it. I was out of there. Financially recuperating from a woman so selfish, she'd stolen from her grandchildren. After I went no-contact, she's only hoovered me twice. Once in July 2024, when she wanted me to sign paperwork to withdraw money from my deceased dad's bank account in Philippines. The other time was when I made a donation to a food bank. How did she KNOW? I honestly believe demons tell her. Demons tell her when I give money to someone other than her. It's sick. No contact has been my survival. I will never talk to her again unless there are attorneys present and video cameras trained on all of us. I'm blessed that I married a man with NORMAL parents, because once you SEE how a normal loving family is..... you can't unsee the selfishness, the complete lack of love, almost-demonic jealousy of a narcissistic parent. Stay away...... that's my advice. Stay the F*** away. My mother-in-law is now my role-model for parenting.💗 Matthew 19:29-30
I don’t think that my comment is the intent of Dr Ramani’s vid but for me narcissism = the definition of dementia. It’s like the narcissists evil nature drives them into dementia even at a young age. My ex narc always tried to gaslight me into thinking that I’d forgotten certain things but he is the one that’s ended up with memory issues.
I see what you mean!
I wonder too if narcissists' dementia is partially caused by a lifetime of living in denial and false reality.
That is a super good point. Well thought out.
Yeah, I wonder about that! The two most prominent narcissists I had in my life both had seemingly the worst memory/confabulation issues even in their early 20s. You'd think it was a joke!
Ex: they'd openly bash a song or some genre of music someone would be playing at a party or something, and then only weeks later they'd be found playing the same song themselves, trying to get people into "their music". It's creepy!
Yep leavin keys in car overnight an accused me of stealin battery cables which sister had
Thank you for addressing this type of situation. A family member, who I believe to have narcissistic tendencies, also has Alzheimer's. You're spot on when you mention denial of any cognitive decline.
Thanks for that video. This is what I have been trying to alert my siblings to about our brother. They are all conveniently in DENIAL. I have informed them I am off the roster. Because I have been such a victim of the narcissist with no validation from any of them, they can take it from here.
It’s so scary. But I can’t accept anymore abuse.
Me too. I am the oldest and estranged at a young age. Let the youngest golden child deal with it.
The thought of needing care in the future did cross my mind. I did realize this would be an inconvenience for him. This is a wake up call for me. My plan is to free myself from him. I am on the path of building my new future. Also this will relieve me of yet another worry. I believe everyone needs a future care plan.
I love your content. Your videos literally saved my life.
She saved mine too.
Same!!
My ex was going to kill me and claim self-defence. Educating myself on covert narcissistic abuse is the reason I’m alive today. I got away. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
I'm hoping she can save ours !
I have watched my mom be married to two narcs and eventually develop dementia. Has any research been done on the incidence of victims of narcissistic abuse having higher than normal rates of dementia. I Wonder if the constant gaslighting, blame shifting, and controlling behavior didn’t contribute to her mind just shutting down?
I had to take care of my elderly dad because my narc mother didn’t want to. She was 30 yrs younger than he was. I ended up having to take care of her too. She had dementia that started in her 60s. She calmed down because of it and it actually was a healing time for our relationship so I have no regrets now.
You think maybe she softened over time?
@@JRibs in my experience with a loved one that sounds similar to this, it wasn't "time" alone that softened her. My loved one regressed to a child-like state as things advanced and became much more agreeable than before. It also seemed the amount of attention she needed to ensure her safety soothed her instead of her having to manufacture illnesses or sabotage situations so that people would drop everything to assist her like she did when she was physically healthy. The helplessness became real instead of feigned.
@@JRibs maybe it was more like your experience. Whenever she got around an old friend from that era, it was like she was back in the day and she’d be a bitch all over again.
That’s good outcome
@@mrswhite645same here. My narc mother softened a bit when developing her dementia. Before she was much louder and more impulsive. But she is self centered, stubborn and rejecting like before, if even a tiny little bit more friendly to people. And she wouldn’t accept help like before. She thinks that she doesn’t need anybody. So be it then. But she is talking to herself all the time. This started one year ago when I noticed it regularly, mostly complaining about her life and negative stuff and that she is the victim. She really believes in her paranoia that she is the only poor ill human on this earth while all others are idiots. While in reality she was never forced to work for anything she received everything for free from my passed father during their marriage as well as from my passed grandmother who suffered that her only daughter is such an antisocial self centered and aggressive child. She felt guilty about it cause my grandfather was a depressed anti social narc too and maybe she thought that she had taken his DNA. My grandmother was a people pleaser who supported the wrong people unfortunately. I got so used to the behavior of my so called mother early on that only in retrospective I recognize her personality disorder and the emotional damage she created. I never felt bonded to her there was more stress and anxiety because of her irrational behavior.
I’m so glad you made this video . I’ve meant to ask you about this topic with aging parents. I read in several places that in short, yes, narc personality types are more prone to developing dementia. The reason was decades of not using their frontal lobe led to deterioration of it. For narcs all of their personality flaws like lack of empathy and controlling emotion is not using their brains, literally.
They don't use their hearts either!
Recently Learnt there is a connection with Loss of Smell and Alzheimer's
(I watched my Granny Take Care of her Mean Mother who had Alzheimer's, later learning how horrid her mother was when they were Children)
My Beautiful Granny Was A Compassionate and Loving Lady, was(still is) my Inspiring Super Hero too, take what she Taught and Grow 💕
More Aware now, that Progress isn't Linear❣
I can also see how the constant Deceit of Others as Well of Themselves can really Scramble the Ability to Remember too...
Thank you for covering a difficult and complicated topic. Personally I found the process of identifying the pathology of a parent and then finding a healthy path away from the relationship has been a long learning curve.
When I was young my childhood was defined by taking care of the needs of a narcissist parent, years of my young adult life where sacrificed taking care of a narcissists parent's mother. Now the parent wants me to take care of them as their health declines. I am at a place where I will not step up to take care of them. I understand this may sound harsh and unloving but let me explain.
Identifying and being able to step away from a narcissistic relationship also means to identify the role we have in a narcissists life. I was the the one who always stepped up to solve problems. Now I see how unhealthy and enabling that was for me and have chosen to change my perspective on life to a more healthy one. I see how people "see me" now. I am now consciously aware of that fact. It helps me not to be a "magnet" for such individuals.
I also took much time for introspection on myself, I refer to it as "knowing thyself". I know I would feel resentment, anxiety and anger if I chose to take care of my parent so it is best I don't take that role.
I have spoken to my siblings regarding recommendations I have regarding "services" for my parent as their needs change. As well as provided information identifying those services that are nearby to my parent. I have also tried to explain to my siblings the reasons for my decision and reassure them that they are not obligated to take care of our parent. As well as explained to them how overwhelming and exhausting it is to take on that role. Keeping a toxic parent at arms length has been the healthiest and most pivotal decision I have made in my life.
I hope by sharing this experience that it may help someone else who may be facing a similar decision in their life. When dealing with a narcissist we really do have choices.
I am in this very situation. I was the family caretaker/cook/maid/laundress/shopper etc starting as early as age 7 (cleaning/laundry) up until college. I tried to keep everything “together” for my two emotionally stunted abusive parents. Now, it’s happening all over again. My siblings have scattered as per usual, leaving the mess in my lap. Well, I have simply said No. my childhood was stolen; I’ll be damned if I let them take my adulthood.
@@oliveoil4380 yep been in all these roles.l think the universe saw this way ahead and moved me me across the globe.My grandmother is a narc and has yet to be diagnosed with dementia.My mother is a narc and has to look after my grandmother.l have realised before this happened my mother kept trying to lure me back home.l could see why - l have alway stepped up to solve issues.l realise she wants some look after her in her old age .My grandmother’s situation has made me realise what we would be up against if my mother were to go down the same road.l will hep/love everyone from a distance.
Love your description of your situation and considered position you are taking regarding your own needs versus the narcs needs. I am in a similar situation and know the soul searching it takes but definitely the best way to go
Your impressions of the narc. are "spot on" for my mother. My mother is the narc in my family system. My father had Parkinson's Lewey Body Dementia; horrible to see my father, who has a Phd in Statistics, lose his mind. My mother used to tell me she was burdened and annoyed by having to care for him in any way. She resented him for the condition he found himself. It was painful, emotionally, to be around. She would even would embarrassed of him in public, his motor skills. and lack thereof, that she'd yell at him, like a child, when he was merely eating. As soon as he passed away, she got rid of everything (down to double digit photo albums) of my fathers. I grabbed 3 suitcases full of things that meant something to me that belonged to my dad. Anything I couldn't fit in suitcases, and the 3,000 mile flight home, that she was throwing in the garbage. It was so cruel in his life, as in his death. A year out, since the passing of my father, she, at 70, got a double thigh lift and a tummy tuck. How vain and dangerous! Another two years later, she got married to a new man (she was married to my father for 44 years when he passed). and I never even knew she was re-married until she sent a Christmas card this year, and she had some stickers made with her and her new "husband's name" on it, slapped it on the card, and sent it to me. That one, and digesting that reality, that she'd remarried, via a "sticker" felt like a karate kick to the face. She's horribly cruel. I didn't think she had the ability, after years of no-contact, that a sticker could trigger me so. But, rightfully so. And it was a low blow, below the belt, and her classic style; completely passive aggressive.
So sad and do typical of an older narcissist. Sorry you had to endure that
I’m sorry for the horrible experience your father and you went through. It’s such injustice.
How long was she his carer for and how did the situation finally break? (Eg he had an accident, or she got fed up and left, etc, and he presumably went into a nursing home?)
She sounds horrible. Yuk. What a disgusting person.
Yes, how did your father die please?. In a care home? How would the narcissist get him to a care home?
Dr Ramani, thank you for covering this important subject!
As a long term care worker, I have seen this happening so many times, it is incredibly sad to witness.
Just about today I hoped you would do a video on this subject. The synchronicity feels like a soul hug. Thank you Dr. Ramani for your inspiring work.
Run don’t stay thinking he/she will change
Let them change if they want to change
Thank you Dr. Ramani
You helped me a lot to understand why I was suffering from those feelings and complex relationships with narcissist as a ex wife and a daughter
As a daughter/caregiver I thank you very, very much for this discussion. It will help me greatly. Many thanks!
A person who's been under long term narc abuse can get pre dementia symptoms. Once they go no contact they can somewhat recover through various stress relief techniques such as 15 minutes yoga breathing every 2 or 3 hours, a full body self massage at least once a day and tai chi for 10 minutes a few times a day. The stress caused in the body from thoughts alone can make a person sick. Learning to change thought patterns is very important. Mantras of positive affirmations are important as repetition is the mother of all learning. The brain has to be literally rewired over years from the inside out and the outside in.
My mom (she’s not narcissistic) has dementia. She’s becoming more and more aggressive and it’s terrifying to witness. I wish this on no one.
💔
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Very sorry that your Mom has dementia. My Mom had Ahlzeimers dementia but she wasn’t narcissistic either but my Dad who had passed away much longer before her had real anger issues. But whether he had full blown narcissism I am not sure. But you are right I would not wish this on anymore. It was very sad to watch my Mom change so much but we were able to keep her in her home which she wanted to do so much until she had a stroke and passed in less then a week. Praying for you❤️🙏
May I recommend a book? It's called The 36hr Day. It will help you process and understand stages and changes. It's indexed like a manual. and it saved me and my father. Stay strong Madison. breath and give yourself space when you can even if it's to meditate. It's a horrific disease to endure and there is no relief from the grief. It's the longest goodbye because every day they wake up a different person than who you knew them to be. Don't be terrified. It can be scary but you're witnessing a stage. That stage will pass. the aggression is mostly fear. play music that you recall your mom listening to most often when you were younger. Music is a key to the parts of the mind that don't really deteriorate until the palliative stages. Good vibes to you. if you need a release, tap at me. talking helps. you're not alone.
Good point about the importance of creating a care plan. This sounds like a great idea for a workshop topic. Thanks Dr. Ramani!
I think there is clearly a relationship between narcissistic personality disorder and dementia. Narcissism is a mental state, where people are constantly phantasizing about themselves, they either, like my narc mother lived in a constant self centered denial and self pity of needing nobody and don’t get any social impulse by other people neither being able to react on it adequately without getting angry or they have phantasies of greatness and immortality. Both types have in common, that they live in their own reality which requires a lot of cognitive effort to stabilize themselves. A narc doesn’t act on logic but on irrational behavior manipulation and lies about himself and others to recreate their false persona. So, when aging sets in and their brain declines, also the false self begin to crumble and they will end up in an almost schizophrenic state.
❤🎉❤ Magnificent gratitude beautiful Goddess Dr. RAMANI 🎉🎉🎉 I'm super happy i purchased Ur book, once I started learning, I couldn't stop... I'm 8 months away and super glad my narcissistic x husband is a veteran, THEY CAN HAVE HIS ABUSIVE NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY 2 CARE 4.....🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉 YIPPEE YIPPEE WHOOOOOOO NO GUILT ❤❤❤I LOVE ME NOW 🎉❤🎉 anyone reading this, the abusive narcissistic gets worse with age.... They also go more crazy and do things U WILL NEVER EXPECT... EVEN KILLING ANIMALS 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
My dad is not narcissistic and was diagnosed with parkinsons in 1997 and mom being a covert vaunrable narcissist corosivily controlled me into being his care partner. She was everything Ramani said over the years, it has been me and dad fighting to stay positive and loving since I can remember. Today he is on his death bed and she has moments of genuine love that hurt me so badly because of all the neglect, abusiveness, and outright hatred for us over the last 20 years. Especially the last 3 years of heavy cognitive decline and dementia related issues. This experience is what woke me up. Thank you Dr. Ramani, you've given me the focus to be fully present with my dad over these last few years. Moments that would have slipped away without any awareness or deeper meaning if I had remained blind to the control. I am truly better prepared for this new phase in my life because of it!
Who here has seen the narcissist in your life abuse a vulnerable loved one? Seeing my narc father constantly scream at my grandmother with severe dementia was one of my most traumatizing experiences.
Yes, my dad would get very irritated with my mom because she was in the beginning stages of dementia, and he didn't want to accept the reality. If I ever tried to smooth things over and say that her memory is not so good anymore, he would get mad at me and tell me not to say those things -- like I was insulting her or something, while he was the one who was doing that. I have had to have him trespassed from our house, because I won't tolerate him anymore.
Yes! My father was slowly suffering with advanced copd. Sometimes he would have trouble getting to the bathroom on time. And my mother would loudly and viciously complain in front of him about how she had to keep washing his pants because he would wet them. (I went out and bought him a pile of new lounge pants, so if it happened, he could simply change them And wash the wet ones when it was convenient . Why my mother couldn’t think to do that God only knows.) she asked him to pour the red wine at a family gathering, knowing that his hands shook terribly because of all the steroids he was taking, and he could barely stand up himself. When wine spilled on her precious white tablecloth, she yelled and talk to him like a little child in front of everyone who is there. I’ll never forget it because I was so furious. She also complained incessantly that there was some thing she wanted to go to, and she couldn’t do it because she had to be with my dad. When he died, he was feeling guilty because she didn’t get to do what she wanted. He basically told me that on his deathbed. I will never forgive her for how she acted. These may seem like minor things. But my father was a very sweet man and indeed, he probably enabled her narcissism for their entire married life because he survived by doing whatever she said. When he died, my mother actually made the comment that she “didn’t realize how hard it was for him to breathe because he never seemed that bad.“ I remember, just looking at her and my mouth dropped open. The man could hardly breathe! And she didn’t realize how hard it was for him?
@@katiedid9601Oh my gosh, that's heartbreaking. I hope you have peace in your life. Take care of yourself. 🙏💕
Yeah narcs are truly nasty due to the lack of empathy for others,they don't care about the most vulnerable of us🙄... Whenever I 👀 a old narc end up with Dementia & themselves become very vulnerable as a result,I personally don't feel bad for them because it's like my favorite old saying goes..."You reap what you yourself have sown".
My elderly mother abusing a 23 lb dog that I love very much has been a very traumatizing experience, due to helplessness. If I helped, if I tried to protect him, it would get worse. So I had to not help to lessen or stop the abuse… She figured out how to train him to pretend to like her even with the abuse, and stay away from me a good portion of the time-in other words she figured out how to DARVO using the dog.
My mom has dementia. She wasn't ever a narcissist, thankfully, but yeah - can confirm, being a caregiver is HARD. Such a horrible disease.
My great grandmother and great aunt both had dementia in their later years and neither of them were narcissists. I never met my great grandmother, but my great aunt was the sweetest woman and despite her failing memory, she was pleasant to be around.
It is just so difficult for me to care abut a person as she devolves into dementia who simply doesn't care about me.
Do you know for certain and sincerely believe that this person doesn't care about you? I lost my Mum to Alzheimer's and now my dad has been struggling with Dementia which will lead to Alzheimer's. It's a different experience for both of them. I sometimes feel like my Dad doesn't care about me but I also know that the dementia is forcing him to turn inwards because he gets lost in his thoughts. There is a book called the 36 hr day. If you want to understand the disease it's a stellar guide. and it's indexed so you can explore all the abnormal (for that person) behaviors. On the other hand, if you've always believed that she never cared about you, remember that when they are gone you'll be carrying those emotions every day for years.
@@estellewinters8502 well, my mother’s words and actions, for quite some time have made it clear how she has felt about me and how she’d like to destroy me. As a result, there is no filial piety and no guilt on my part.
This is similar to that phrase that says something to the effect of, “If you wanted me to write well of you, you should’ve behaved better.” If there should be any guilt, that belongs to the narcissistically-abusive parent. Not the child they mistreated, who owes them nothing.
@@privateprivate8366 so true.
@@estellewinters8502 those emotions exist because I have a conscience.
@@sparkygump I have a great deal of conscience, as well as the fact that I loved my mother dearly and was, perhaps, the closest child to her. But, having a conscience does not mean allowing victimization or perpetually forgiving someone. That they wound up with dementia or any other disease, does not mean that what they’ve done needs to be overlooked. I think the world gets away with this - a lot. That, never mind what your parents did to you. Never mind that having them as your parents has been, as Dr. Ramani has called it, “being robbed”. Once that parent becomes ill, you’re to drop your life for them and scurry in, doing all you can, had that person been a decent human being. That doesn’t work for everyone as, there are even targets and victims who are appreciative and protective over their own lives, as well.
Mn 13.36, so truuue!!!! OMG, dealing with that with my narcisistic mother right now. God help me 🙏!!
Both dementia and narcissism are rampant in my family. At this point it’s just a waiting game before it gets my dad and older sis. Dementia prompts an enormous amount of pain and sadness in me after seeing many beloved family members go through it, not just the narcs, but I don’t even know what i will do when my primary abusers in life have it. Sincerely don’t want to abandon them in their time of vulnerability, but they are also enormously cruel and vapid people who have caused a lot of trauma in me and at this point I’m not talking to them and not likely to jump on board as a caregiver. The question is whether my intervening family members will need my help at that point, because they’re likely to bear the brunt of it, and I don’t want THEM to suffer.
On the other hand, if I or another family member get it while our family narcs don’t, we will all be screwed. The family narcs won’t be helping, though they will likely do what they did with grandma, great-aunt, etc, which is style themselves as saviors while making the problem worse.
I find it helpful to ask myself how the person in question would have treated me in a time of need. That's usually your answer.
I’ve noticed a strong correlation between a sugar/alcohol/ high carb diet and my family of narcs dementia. The more they eat high carb the worse they get.
@@gracegwozdz8185 you're right. If interested, check out a surgeon, Dr. Pradip Jamnadas who has videos here and also a book, The End of Alzheimer's by Dr. Bredesen. There are many many more doctors who are also helpful, the ones supporting keto diets and intermittent fasting.
Take care of yourself!
Before I actually realized that my mother was a narcissist, I remember years ago, watching, how she “cared for“ my grandmother, when she was dying. Much of that care was aggressively cleaning my grandmothers house, which included stomping around and dragging pots out from under the sink, and scrubbing the counters underneath all the while complaining about how filthy everything was. And acting very much the murder. What is interesting is that my grandmother would tell my aunt to please keep her sister away from her because she was driving her nuts. Her sister being my mom. My poor grandmother.
When I turned on your video and begin watching it I was looking for an answer about my dementia narcissistic father. He has selfish tendencies still and he's in nearly the last stage of dementia. But I do not dare get into his refrigerator or use his bathroom I'm his daughter and caregiver and I really am frustrated about his selfish behavior. I know he was all that and a bag of chips when he was younger and that made him one of the worst grandiose narcissist.
My mother was a narcissist who developed Demetia very young, at 55. I definitely feel they are related
Yeah they are closely related to junk food diet. High carb binging.
This is what I’m going through right now. I had to hand her back to hospital because I just couldn’t any more…old wounds have been gouged open, I will need to seek help to reclose them
This is so timely for me! I’ve experienced a lot of narcissism in my life, starting with my family of origin. I am 64 and have just found this channel 2 years ago...life changing, Dr. Ramani! I’ve been wondering about the correlation between the N spouse and how this affects/exacerbates their spouse with dementia. Examples: My N mom and my Alzheimer’s dad...my N male neighbor and his wife with dementia...my N grandpa and my grandma with Alzheimer’s...and at present, my N FIL and my MIL with dementia. It’s almost like the N loves the power and their spouse ends up with dementia after years of repression. So very sad! PS: you have helped me navigate/survive these relationships...but most of all you are helping me find myself and hang onto my self worth throughout the chaos. Thank you so much!
Wow dementia sounds scary. Praying for all the elders who have it and hope they get the proper treatment 🙏🏾
Dementia is HORRIBLE! my mom had Alzheimers disease and I knew it was dementia. MDs were saying it was ONLY depression and anxiety. Wrong. My mom suffered greatly for years before getting the DX just 12 days before her death
@@sandbar3000 wow so sorry to hear that and I'm so sorry for your lost
What if the caretaker is a narcissist?
@@calebcreationofsound2182 thank you! It was so hard to care for my mom. She's not suffering now tho. And neither am I....it was horrible seeing her rapid decline
@@sandbar3000 So very sad for everyone involved.. caregiver(s), patient, loving family members, grand children & devoted friends. Not to mention the financial burden, energy drain & difficult decision making during her decline. Shame on the insensitive idiotic medical community you had to deal with.. just unconscionable. RIP
for your mother’s sake, and peace for her loved ones🦋
Dr. Ramani, From the bottom of my heart, thank you so much for this video. My father has dementia and my mother is narcissistic. I am the scapegoat daughter who moved back to my hometown after 29 years away to help care for my father. It is a very challenging situation. Everything is as you describe in this video.
No jokes I lost my stepfather last year after a long 5 year battle with Kidney failure and Dementia at 74. He's 16 years older than my mom and they met when I was in elementary school but didn't get married until I was in high school at 15. I mention that because he put thoughts in my mother's head that made her treat me different before they were married. He already having a weak relationship with his children, tried to convince my mom that she messed up with her only child. I had to grow up the rest of that time fighting to prove something that wasn't true and mom making excuses and cleaning up things he destroyed. It damn near killed me and moms closeness. And since he died, it manifested in my mom's denial and lashing out. I was almost 25 when things turned because he started to fall ill. I didn't ignore him or leave him hanging but seeing how mother really was though she loved him, she regretted her a lot but didn't want to accept it. We stuck by and she spent countless amounts of money and time to be there. She then made it other peoples fault when she wasn't happy anymore. we've fought over her decision to stay because she saw that he was along for the ride. She worked the whole time and he was retired. Y'all love yourselves and hold close to your families. Don't chose others over your feelings and wants because you will pay for them and so will others around you. Marry and have children because you want to, not because you want to pass off accountability.
I'm so sorry, it's really sad the destruction they cause. My dad is the narc that was apart of my life and he's a step "father" now to two young kids but I only always seen him picking on my step brother not that I want him to pick on anyone but I noticed my dad hates boys/men my dad has 5 children at least that we know of but he never cared to have a relationship with my brothers. It's terrible to me because overtime I seen him do exactly what your stepfather did putting things in his wife's head about her son and from the last time I was around she started mistreating him too.
This is common, unfortunately.
It’s one of the reasons why people develop narc tendencies. Dementia and the psychological cacophony are very difficult to explain , but you did it well here. It’s like holding onto a bunch of venomous snakes and hoping not to get bitten.
Forgive your mother because your step father knew her weakness and used it to his advantage.Your mother has been made to doubt herself so she no longer identify herself without him.Cry ,forgive and let it go.You have a whole life ahead.
Thank you for your kind words. I didn't blame her for my problems however the issues that happened were not properly addressed. I don't have an issue with moving on. It doesn't take away from how it was brought up though.
@@brandonf.8360 Yep probably the main reason why we find each other here is because there are issues in our lives that were not addressed properly.We have to reparent ourselves.🙏🏾
I can totally believe that narcissism can mask early signs of dementia. My stbx says and does some crazy things, and his rages are nonsensical. I have often wondered about this potential link. I'd like to know about any link to alcohol consumption as well.
I’ve seen the full onset of dementia and I can notice the early symptoms of cognitive function deterioration that will lead up to dementia in certain people. Their mental cognitive function is deteriorating faster their than physical function. I’ve also noticed the difference you mention about the intensifying of the personality, either being too nice, or monstrous, and can I notice the facial expressions and personality associated with it. Confused and scares facial expressions for the nice ones, and mean and monstrous for the other kind.
Yes every thing you said is on point
@@alfordromney8784 Another symptom I am noticing is that with the early onset of dementia, the person is losing hair evenly across the head, but there really isn’t a sign of a receding hair line. I noticed this in a few people , male and female.
Yessir Good observations I think I see that part with my mom ugh
👍❤ I worked with the elderly in a nursing home, and memory care facility. It's so true that the dementia magnifies the person's personality! The ones that were mean before they became demented, were violent, abusive monsters!!! And, the sweet ones were even kinder.
This is very interesting. My ex-husband (covert narcissist) was all about preventing dementia. He was incredibly worried about it in his 20's. It was a big deal to him. Now I get why.
Wish the narc in my life gets demented! Looking forward to putting him in an institution!
Thank you for this video! My father has dementia and has NPD. His wife, my step mother passed away a few years ago and he was no longer able to take care of himself. At that time My mother, his ex wife agreed to be his day to day care giver while I manage his money and doctors appointments. You are very correct we both have a mix of emotions. I am caught in the zone of grief watching him deteriorate, managing the stress of making the right decisions for him AND my mother who has to deal with the day to day stress of it all. She has flashbacks of his NPD behavior from when they were married and I so get it. It so hard.
My narcissist ex’s narcissist mom got dementia and lost what few filters she had 🙄 I would say she had been a covert narcissist, but became overt as the dementia progressed. Lots of grandiosity, and overt nastiness when she had previously been much more passive aggressive. She would make nasty comments about me to my ex, who would then pass them along to me because he “needed to tell somebody.” 🤦🏼♀️ So glad I got out and won’t have to be his caretaker if/when he develops dementia!
Bipolar disorder can present with pseudo-dementia and mental impairments and not just a mood disorder. If you are living with someone with dementia, please hire some help to come in to give you a break. If you can't afford it, find a way to barter so you have some peace to yourself. It's a very big job caring for someone with dementia and it takes a team effort.
Thank you Doctor Ramani
Dr Ramani- You are a world treasure. Thank you.
Thank you Dr. Ramani 💜🫂✨
Please do more like this. Everything you are saying is so true. I have dealt with it for years with parents and even now with others. Not many understand the frustrations.
And there ain’t no pills to cure it!
there is already something out of line with a narcissist, the only difference I observed in my narcissistic mother was as she developed dementia it was as though the gate opened and she could not hide her malice anymore. The mask slipped even in public and in front of her Doctor.
Same here.
Thank you for posting.
🙏🏼 for you.
Yeaaah! ECACTLY THAT seems to happen indeed!!
my 93 years old mother doensn't remember ANY problematic behaviour from my father. He died 12 years ago. She reminds him as a hero.
After a lifetime of psycopathy, psychotic schizophrenia, paranoia and bipolar disorder, our mother developed mrdically-induced Parkinson and then dementia. As she aged, she was less able to control her disorders and started to show them to the 'outside', which made life easier for us since we had previously lived with at least 2 personalities, the worst and cruellest reserved for her child. No one could believe that this seemingly charming, well-turned-out woman was actually a monster who would make sure her child was watching before inducing an epileptic attack, out of which she would wake up psychotic. She would walk around naked, holding a bar of soap and creep into boxes - a truly terrifying experience for a child. When I rang the social worker, she would bring herself together and say I was imagining everything and that I was the one that was sick.
This is such an eye opener. This is a very real thing. 💔 Thank you for sharing this wealth of knowledge, Dr. Ramani! It's so important to not only know what is going on but why.
Thank you for your videos it’s allowing me to have a better understanding of the issues and people that I’m dealing with I’ll tell you what though it’s made me cry quite a lot but it’s allowing me to figure out how to move forward so that I can have a happy life that I deserve 14 years with a narcissist first year of recovery
thanks for making this. It helped.
It’s what I’m going through right now and it’s harder grief than if she just died. She turned 100x more evil, paranoid and cruel. My old grandma is dead and it must be that she was sark and cruel
What is heartbreaking is when a narcissistic individual CHANGES due to dimentia: one who was HORRIBLE for decades is now reasonable...
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
It’s vice versa for good people they turn horrible but they cannot help it at all
Oooff! This is a 3 y.o. video I should have seen 10 years ago. So much is relevant, I can’t even begin to list everything in this I've experienced. I suppose I have to say 'Thank you' for the validation.
My spouse has signs of dementia but the doctors are not diagnosing it which makes it super hard to get support. I can’t afford to just leave and wish I could go back to the younger me and tell her to run. At the rate it’s going he will outlive me because of the stress.
Try a neurologist rather than a standard medical doctor.
I love you Dr Ramani ❤️
You're awesome!
You changed my life!
My sister and I would always talk about what we would do when our mother died. However, my sister died and so I am left with the possible caretaking. I’m really angry. Extremely angry. Because I do not want to be tied down, or emotionally eroded anymore.
I feel the exact same way. Rage.
I am the second to youngest of nine, and I accepted the responsibility of caring for my mom. My dad and some of the other family members show strong signs of narcissistic personality disorder, even though never diagnosed (they rarely get diagnosed, don't they?). Thankfully, I was able to trespass my dad from coming to the house, and the toxic others are staying away at least for now. I am angry because I get very little help from the rest of my family. Since they cannot seem to help by coming to help with the maintenance of Mom's house, they could at least give us financial help every month for me to get someone in to do things that I can't. So, I feel I have to not only take care of Mom 24/7, I also have to fix things that need to be repaired or maintained and that have not been for the past 10 years. Some things I can't do, like fix loose ceiling fans so they won't fall out of the ceiling (in my bedroom). The house needs to be repainted inside and out, the roof needs to be replaced. I feel so overwhelmed and her having diabetes and dementia make things so much worse. I am being worn down and don't have any time for myself, my own mental health is suffering.
I' ll never take care of my narcissist family who has dementia. That person ruined my life so why should I help them live a longer life when they took away a lot my life. No way.
My overt narcissistic, abusive father suffered from a very rapidly worsening vascular dementia that within a couple of years after diagnosis, caused his death. I believe my covert ex husband has shown signs of early onset dementia over the past few years. His older brother, who displays very similar patterns of narcissistic behaviors, has FTD. Very sad to see and interesting that they all have narcissistic personalities.
Very informative program - thank you! My husband developed dementia and I was so thankful I had been able to retire early and could thus be his caregiver. He died four years ago and I am still healing from being his full time caregiver. Dr. Ramani’s so right: it’s an exhausting task on all levels. All the best to anyone dealing with this cruel disease - I highly recommend Teepa Snow’s UA-cam videos about dementia.
Oh my God my narc husband has early signs of Dementia and parkinson. Same goes to my narc mum have been googling looking for Information.Thank you Doc
This is my current situation. I had to unpack a lot of shame and confusion. Prayers to others who are going thru this. I take a little time away (every day) to regroup, read and ground myself in my own standards and character and do my best to compartmentalize and keep a hand on my expectations. It helps. There is no right answer but doing what I know to be right to me ...in spite of and not because of-within reason...is my sanctuary 🧡Godspeed NARC Survivors!
Good luck amiga. It gets easier.
I believe that long term exposure to a narcissist can cause dementia in the victim. I have witnessed someone who was told they are developing dementia get better after divorcing their narcissistic spouse of 58 years. I would love to know if there is any research which concludes that long term narcissistic abuse can lead to dementia in victims.
@Stacie R I am so sorry. ❤️
Getting better at all after that much time can give anyone hope.
A difficult area to consider. As if dementia was not enough, the combo with N is explosive. The grey area you mention between where the personality ends and the dementia begins is something I’m beginning to witness. Thank you for making this video 🙏
I've had a wide range of family or friends who experienced all kinds of forms of dementia and Narcissistic disorders. We may not know when the trouble begins, because when the person deregulates, negates symptoms might bring about a delay in getting access to help later on, which can add to a very stressful situation, which gave me to study nursing, my grandmother was a nurse, and Sarah's grandmother on his side had diabetes and Sarah stepped up and helped her out immensely on his side was also a nurse. It is a good idea to try and make a plan and if it works out that's great, and even if it didn't work out the full way you thought it might, you learn a lot that way as well. One learns who are your friends are real fast. Thanks, dr.
Thank you so, so, so much, Dr Ramani, for recording this excellent video.
Father was diagnosed with dementia, but my narcissistic mother doesn't "believe" in it. Even worse, she wont let anyone else near the man. Very sad to watch.
@@SweetiePieTweety Thank you ❤
My mother's dementia and narcissism have me a prisoner right now. I pray I can find her a home soon, but she's also on a fixed budget, so I keep hitting walls when looking for help with her. She wanders off and is violent. I'm alone taking care of her. This is so hard.
So sorry for your situation. Please try to take care of yourself also.
Did you ever break free?
@@SparkingLife111 yes, thank you for asking. She is in long term care now. I’m still dealing with her care, but at least she and I are both safe now. 🩷
I'm going through what has been termed "dissociative amnesia", it's transient. But it's not been investigated from a neurological perspective. This is making me rethink if I need extra exploratory assessment.
Thank you doctor.
Yep - Once again Dr Ramani is spot on. It's the poisonous gift from 👹 that keeps on giving. Once more, the decent & caring are left to clean up the mess. From experience...boundaries are essential. There are limits. Don't destroy your own life while stepping up to the plate to do what's right. Be strong brothers & sisters.
In all honesty, in my situation with my aging narcissistic mother, I’ve left.
I felt that I likely, appropriately, determined that, in looking back, she had issues with narcissism, long before she had any issues functioning. That, as she had any ideas floating around in her head about using me, was enough for me to put an end to it, let alone the attempts at abuse, that ensued, in more recent years.
I also knew what the likely turnout would be as, my mother was my stepfather’s full-time caregiver, for likely vascular dementia, for about 10 years. I’d even told her that she needs to take care of herself and make plans, because she would not have a full-time caregiver, should her life take a similar path. When she cared for my stepfather, it was all she did and she lived with him. My sister, myself and my mother live separately and my sister and I work. My sister works 3-4 jobs. As much as outsiders might like to think that you can “work that out”, yeah, you can, as long as you don’t mind losing your livelihood, healthcare and retirement benefits, your own long term care if provided by your employer, all you’ve ever worked for and your own mind. There’s also an assumption that you just need to work with your employer when, sometimes, the worst thing you can do, is to let your employer know that you have something that may compromise and compete with your work. As far as the employer is concerned, the work has to be done. If not by you, someone else will do. This, despite employers that offer “support”. I wouldn’t tell them anything, if it can be avoided.
I say this because I work for that type of employer. Someone I know had to leave the country to care for their parents. They were even still keeping up their work schedule, as if they were here. Ultimately, the employer didn’t care and told them that they’d have to return to this country. Basically, it’s, “Say goodbye to your parents, if you like getting paid.“ The person returned because their paycheck also pays for their parents’ care.
What I’ve been told, for my situation, is that my mother will likely become a ward of the state, if she cannot care for herself. Her assets will be acquired and sold, for the benefit of her care. As I would likely be disinherited anyway and they’d be able to provide her better care than my sister and I would, that is likely the best option, if she has or will have dementia at all.
So, as cold and indifferent as it may sound, I’ve looked at the situation long and hard. I’ve tried, as best I can to determine what her issues are as not even the police bringing her to the psych unit 3 years ago, made her open to allowing them to test her for anything. I’ve looked into dementia, frontotemporal issues, and NPD. While se likely has a bevy of co-morbid issues in and outside of Cluster B and the personality disorder realm, there is really nothing I nor my sister can do about it. And as my mother has been quite successful at triangulating my sister and I, there’s not even any cooperation between us. I already know it would entirely end up in my lap, with my sister, with baited breath, hoping I drop dead along with mom, so she can finally get all she’s never worked for. If our mother becomes a ward of the state, my sister will become mighty disappointed though. In fact, so will the rest of my family. Because all of them hope that I will sacrifice my life, for the express purpose of making certain they have. They can go do battle with the state then...
a my moms dementia came on and worsened, my narcissistic dad became, at times, very patient and loving with her, for short spans of time. He tried to control himself for her. He was 20 times worse to the Rest of us! But he did NOT encourage her to get diagnosed or treatment, decided in his one mind she couldntnhandle having her cataract removed, that injections for macular degeneration, which he didnt want, she wouldnt get either. Hes dead now, shes blind and dementia was never treated. She was completely manipulated by my narc siblings, i the lucid honest one, was kept away (triangulation) by manipulating her, lawyers & cops.😢
I'm in the exact situation that Dr. Ramani described. My narc husband developed dementia after our kids were grown and I had finally left him. He had no friends or family interested in caring for him because he was awful to everyone. Our adult son tragically passed away right around the time my estranged husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer's/FTD. I've been his caregiver ever since, five years now. No one else will care for him and I'm at my wits end with trying to get him into a nursing facility that accepts his insurance. I have no freedom and need to be done with caring for him. He's always been a jerk and appreciates nothing that I do. It's time for ME to put myself first! Yet I can't kick a 75 year old Alzheimer's patient out to the curb..
My 75 yo mother is in the same situation but still married to him. She's been lovingly caring for him for 8 years since he had a massive stroke and he still treats her like shit.
Thank you for addressing this specific complex combination of “disasters”. This has been such a huge challenge..& very little information out there for us.. the caregiver who ends up holding the bag! Thank you always for being spot on, to the point AND supportive of the survivors of the abuse!
Would love to hear how narcissistic abuse connects with panic disorder. I still struggle with being on the verge of this condition since my recent divorce from a narcissist, that I was diagnosed with after experiencing prolonged trauma in my twenties from my first narcissistic relationship.
This is so close to home. This happened in my family and it is a horrific story. Thank you for sheding light on this sad topic.
My mother in law is a narcissistic person with dementia. We had to call the police on her tonight (we live with her) as she kept trying to force her way into our bedroom(the last time she slapped my wife). Then she tried to tell the police I hurt her arm when I shut the door. What did the police and ems do: nothing. She really can act like a sweet little old lady, then act like a total vicious person while they are gone. We don’t have a medical POA so we can’t make her go to the hospital for evaluation. So we’re screwed until we sell the house.
Excellent overlay and accurate for anyone who does have a parent with historic NPD who is also aged.
I am in caregivers’ prison. We have been married for 32 years. My 88 year old wife, who was abused by her narcissistic first husband & produced 4 children, 3 of whom are narcissists.
From a caregivers point of view, it bloody horrendous being in this situation, not just protecting my wife from the gaslighting abuse & manipulation, but also trying to preserve my own mental health & wellbeing, whilst navigating this caregiving role/journey. The first stage to looking after myself, so that I can serve my wife, was telling her abusive adult children to fuck off. This was when I caught them trying to manipulate her onto giving them money. My story is too long, to share here, but my advice to anyone on this caregiving journey, is to make life easier for yourself by cutting out toxic people who will suck your energy, have people around you, that enhance your journey & not take from it. There is a very good book, called ‘The unexpected journey of caregiving” - when you find yourself in this position, I learnt a huge amount about myself, or rather, It helped clarify my inner knowing, enabling to create a smooth path for my wife’s eventual transition. The grief is huge & a long goodbye, but that is another story.......peace everyone 🙏
Thank you (my Mom). She was aggressive verbally and physically. for the longest time. But now that she has care and meds she has become this nice, sweet person all of a sudden. The mother I never had and don't have at the same time(get it). It's been rough and I feel like I have had problems with here and grieving for her all my adult life.