Breaking Free: Overcoming Anxiety and Controlling Behavior as a People Pleaser
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- Опубліковано 9 чер 2024
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I've been thinking a lot lately about my behavior in my relationships, particularly my friendships. I've always been the "responsible" one in my friend group, and much to my detriment. I've been spending time lately to think, why do I try to control my friends or friend group? Why do I engage in controlling behavior? Why am I controlling? As I dig a little deeper into it, I start to see how it is connected to my people pleasing behavior. I am a people pleaser. And it's likely due to underlying issues or fears that I somehow need to manage so I can control my anxiety. What needs to happen is I need to stop being the responsible one, stop people pleasing, so that I'm not engaging in toxic behavior in my relationships or friendships. No one wants a toxic friend group, and no one wants someone controlling them. I'm not perfect, and I, like everyone, else, have room to grow, despite being a therapist. I'd love to hear from you? Does any of this resonate? Do you do this? Are you controlling in your relationships? Do you have a friend that can be controlling? How does this make you feel? Let me know in the comments.
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How has people pleasing helped or hurt you in your relationships? Let me know in the comments...
I do a massive amount of community work and also feel burnt out and have most of your feelings.
Great video, Katie!!!!
People pleasing has caused me to be subservient. I now question "what do I need?" "How can I help myself be who I need to be?"
I agree to things that I shouldn't because I get anxious and feel as if I need to give them not just the right answer, but the answer that they want. I just sold my wedding ring (was appraised in 2003 at over 30,000) to give you an idea of the ring, it consisted of 3 bands. The main stone is a brilliant cut 1.34 carats with three fair sized diamonds on each size. The other 2 bands had 5 stones that probably in total were 3/4 carat on either side. Regardless, big, gorgeous ring. I needed the money, and contacted a jeweller, who offered me 4500 for the diamonds without even seeing it, not including the gold. Lots of gold, thick, big rings. Anyway had a friend that saw it, tried it on, loved it and said she wanted it and knew about the 4,500. She offered and I accepted. I was anxious, needed the money and not thinking it through (anxiety). Re the jeweller based it on diamonds only and would have given me more for the gold. Also, like a car dealer, definitely would have sold it for much more etc. Anyway, ring is gone for 4,500. I let this friend know that I made a mistake and it was because of my anxiety. Keep in mind, I have been on disability since the age of 27 and am now 54. So, she knows I made a mistake. She has LOTS of money. Not the point, but....long story short? That was a big one for me. People pleaser, anxiety, cost me lots of money that I didn't have. Plus, after getting the guts to tell her that I made and error, I was hoping as a friend, that has the money, knows about my Kendal health issues, to do the right thing g and offer me a few more thousand. That's what I would do, but I am a people pleaser. She even asked me after all of this, what I thought I would have gotten for it...a ray of hope, thinking g she would offer me more. Nope. Silly me for thinking that as a human that has empathy, would do the right thing. Hell, I am broke and give money to people that I can't afford to, just because I have it better than them. If you are on disability? You know that struggling to survive on what we receive was extremely difficult before the pandemic. Now? I am living on eggs, because that's all that I can afford to buy. So...people pleaser here
Kati Morton iv never been a people pleaser or been controlling in my friendship s over the years but iv known people pleaser s and had controlling friends 😥
It is easier to help others than look inside and help ourselves.
Totally xoxo
It was like you were talking about me. I realised some time ago that I myself had caused my burnout by people pleasing, being irreplaceable and responsible for everything and feeling guilty about things just in case, so that no one would get angry or something like that. And boy it was a tough thing to swallow. I think perfectionism is also part of this. I decided too that now it's enough. I have to remind myself constantly that it's ok to make mistakes, I don't have to take care of everything! Self-compassion has helped me too so much. We can do this!❤
Me too!
"People do get around and manage their life, without me. I know, unbelievable!" Made me laugh out loud. So, SO relatable... Thank you for bringing humour into this difficult and challenging topic for us controllers and people pleasers.
I definitely feel this. I was a parentified child and scapegoat, and always seemed to fall into the 'responsible one' role with friends. On drunken nights out, I'd be the one 'having' to look after friends and making sure they got home safely. I've also never wanted kids, and think it's from being sick of responsibility. Even now, I tend to have to be the instigator in texting or calling friends. I love them, but don't want that responsibility. It's a hard thing to unlearn, but I'm trying to.
Oh, I definitely feel that. I was a parentified child, too, and the scapegoat in the family. My friends would get wasted in college, but I was always the one who knew the line where I could get tipsy or a drunk but still be in control and I never crossed that line. I always felt responsible for making sure everyone got home safe. I was the person who was like 'no, you can't get in the car with that strange man.' And they usually thanked me for it in the morning, but you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to make sure your friends don't potentially get taken advantage. I don't want children, as well, and I totally agree with you that I am just so sick of being so responsible all the time that I just don't want to be responsible for children, as well.
I’m also a parentified child with an irresponsible sibling, so I’ve had to be responsible early on too. As you said, it’s absolutely exhausting and I don’t want children myself either. I want to feel like I can be free and am allowed to make mistakes.
I’ve also been way too responsible even as a kid… I repeat to myself “not everything is my problem” when I feel overwhelmed, it helps.
My mantra when I’m feeling overwhelmed is “observe, not absorb”. We can take notice of things without taking over or making it our problem.
This hit way too close to home. 1000% of everything you said describes me to a T. I’ve always been the initiator, the responsible one who plans, who tries to care of everything and everyone and it’s just exhausting. But then when I try to “retire” from being responsible I feel left out and alone and it might be tied to my fear of abandonment, which sucks because it makes me feel like I have to be responsible again. The worst part about my people pleasing is recognizing that people have hurt me deeply and I was the one who apologized. Anyway, LOVE this video and all of your videos really. Bless you Kati! 💜
Letting go is harder than keeping a tight grip..Enjoy your freedom!
I love you aren't scared to show this side of yourself. I have been following you for some time now and I am thankful for you and your videos Take care of yourself we need you :D
Thank you so much!!
1 minute into the video and I can already resonate so heavily with what it is you're experiencing, and I thought straight away, it's the responsibility we place on ourselves. Not only feeling responsible for our own lives, but it's extremely tiring feeling responsible for other people's stuff, emotions and situations. Or in other words it's the emotional labour that unfortunately a lot of women tend to take part in which causes so much anxiety and stress. Codependency? 😩 I know for me when I get to this stage, I have this stronnnggggg urge to just run away and escape everything. And I'm still learning to manage that emotional first aid right before I even get to that stage of burnout or freeze mode. I've noticed that incorporating some boundaries, expressing my needs and what I really want from others unapologetically, REAALLLYY helps! And it sounds like you're already doing that which is great. And it's interesting that you mention your people pleasing being a method of manipulation to avoid conflict which is essentially you trying to manage a situation to avoid anxiety. It's you wanting to avoid the conflict (overwhelm/anxiety) within yourself. I think the people who resonate with this video will also resonate strongly with the notion of 'being overwhelmed by the fear of becoming overwhelmed' lol 😅 Why is that we wait till burnout to start implementing boundaries or expressing what it is that we need at any given moment. We should feel safe enough to do these things on a daily basis. But we fear we will come across needy or demanding, or fear we will be rejected because there's ''no one else out there that cares about us to the extent that we care for others''. But maybe if we just ask for what we would like from others we may surprise ourselves?
Ohh and don't be afraid of rocking the boat when attempting to get your needs met. Some people are really uncomfortable with such straight forward (effective) communication. People will learn. If not then you can incorporate boundaries accordingly.
Omg yes that urge to just run away.. I have felt that before!! Thank you so much for sharing, and I will keep working on it (and not just doing these things when I am already burned out). xoxo
"People will learn. If not , incorporate your bonduaries accordingly."
Absolutely agree. Sums up a necessary condition for a healthy relationship of any kind..
Yeap! I'm a runner. I will pack and go after trying to fight a good fight. I just loose the fire to fight and roll over, then I sneak away.
Loved this video. I’m a retired nurse and wanted to be a nurse since I was 5. I am a people pleaser. I know when mine got worse and why I have anxiety with parties and get togethers. When I had my first apartment-with my now husband-we planned a holiday party for the 4 other nurses who started working with me and their partners. They all said yes. In the 36 hours before the party, 3 of them canceled and then when it came time for the party to start, the last person never showed. To this day, whenever I have put together something, there is a voice in my head that says no one will come. I used to host 500 person black tie events and would always have a little panic until they started showing up.
I now live in SW France and manage a gîte-a rental cottage. I am super happy when I see that my guests have arrived!
I really like these sit-down kinda videos they're more real and I find myself understanding the content more as it feels like a conversation. I've always been curious about my therapists and their lives so to hear from one talking about their own life and their own therapist feels very humanising and compassionate.
"Retire from responsability!"That's a good plan. That was an AHA moment for me as well, Kati! Totally resonate! Thank you!
I do not know you, I am sharing my experience. I would love to find out how this goes for you. Here is my experience and what I learnt: I tried that. It actually does not work and gets you nowhere, except for learning who I am and how to really be there for myself. It is a good way to learn the lesson of showing up for yourself. The problem is that we always have something to be responsible for, so good luck retiring, but we'll done for starting the real journey to healing what is actually painful. This is a process of learning to set boundaries, delegate, and have truly reciprocal relationships and finally let yourself be loved in a real way without the burden of "you scratch my back, I have to scratch yours". I hope you have better outcomes than I did 🥰.
Responsible seems to me to by definition to be always responding or being responsive to others, even at the cost of responding to self care needs. And if it becomes a feeling that we have to respond to everyone all the time and in a positive way would leave a person feeling really burned out.
As long as I get the bills paid and feed the cats, try to take care of my health, those are my important responsibilities. Priorities.
Totally!! Priorities priorities priorities. xoxo
This is me to a T. I am the oldest of 4 children. Raised in broken, drug, and sexual abuse home. I have been saved from that since 18 years old. Had kids at 27 years. I have struggled with anxiety and depression, noticeable since having kids 10 years ago. I have always been a people pleaser, most responsible in family, and now homeschooling 3 kids. I now realize I get more anxious when I feel I have no control over the situation or people. Your video has opened my eyes. I think it is a manipulation on my part to have control, so life goes they way I think it should. I get most angry with my kids and my siblings. My husband matches my anger, so we have learned to give space and then talk after we have calmed down. But I get depressed when I realize my behavior isn't good for me or my kids. I have no control over it. Would love to know how you have dealt with this newfound revelation and is letting go of responsibility has helped. Thanks!
This video could not come at a better time 🥲
I grew up with a narcissistic Mother and an emotional unavailable father. Their relationship was broken ever since I can remember and I was always the "Responsible one" the one in the middle of their relationship and it remained that way even after they divorced when I was 14. They had no communication, so any conversation they needed to have, even about maintenance or things related to me or my brother was done through me.
I have always been the "mother" everywhere I went.
I can honestly say I do it because I want things to go smoothly, I can see others are not thinking about it and if I don't, nobody else will, so I take it upon myself when I foresee issues arising to handle thinhs and stop it from happening way ahead of time.
It's extremely stressful being this way, and people pleasing. What I found is that because I have spent my entire life being "miss perfect", now that I am exhausted and I just want to be able to act like a human being who has flaws and makes mistakes, people around me do not seem to accept that. If I deliver any less than my "usual standard", Its like the end of the world. Meanwhile, people around me, doing a lot less and being praised. It's just so tireing having people expect this high level of you when you struggle to say "no" and they know that and take advantage.
I love that you aren’t putting on a mask- that you aren’t chirping and perky and covering or making light of how anxiety drives behavior and coping mechanisms. Thank you for putting out such great content for all to explore. You may have had a realization that people pleasing is a form of manipulation, but I can tell it’s equally, if not more likely, that you have a general passion for helping people live their best lives. I am a fellow pleaser, helper, hero, fawner and I am also mostly retired from it. I am choosing to respect others’ autonomy. I have stopped “shoulding” myself for the most part. This life is so good in so many ways. Why not just go with the flow and be ok? Hugs from a mom of two in Maine.
This is me. I people please to lessen my anxiety. If anyone around me (family, friends, co-workers) is having any issue, even just if they sigh in frustration, I feel like I need to fix whatever the problem is for them so they are not stressed. When other people are stressed/anxious/angry/etc I feel that too so I try to do what I can to make them not feel like that... which isn't good because most of the time there isn't anything I can do, and then I just am stuck feeling anxious about their problem and mood.
I understand what you are saying here about people pleasing and responsibility. I feel like many of us grew up with these tendencies and the pressure to be “successful”, “responsible” or “good people”.
I think there is a distinction though of what you are NOT talking about: hurting others intentionally, letting things like bills, basic living environment, rules for society completely go out the window. You are saying “I’m retiring from the pressure of having to control everything, being the “bigger person”, having everything “together” all the time.”
And we ALLL need that. Every single one of us. And knowing where these tendencies come from and what the actual root issue is- is important.
Great video, thank you for your transparency! We love it!
People pleasing has cost me knowing who I am and honoring my boundaries. It has cost me having deep and authentic relationships - I am like water- no one really hates water- but it's not most people's favorite drink.
Also I don't have children either - I found what you shared super vulnerable and very relatable. I came to the conclusion that your therapist did " F*#k Happy- you are not as ' nice' as you appear! You have learned to help ( read: take over the situation - spring into action) others to a) avoid taking care of yourself
b) avoid the discomfort of seeing OTHER people's discomfort
c) This is my MOM !!! I have learned this from my Mom!
Yes to the parentified child. And my Mom and I had the dance of over functioning/under functioning dynamic to maintain closeness...
Yes to the hypervigilance, yes to the fawn response.
Wow Katie-you nailed this.
Thanks Katie- continue to take care of yourself 💪🏽💗
As soon as you started speaking, I started to cry. This was exactly what I am struggling with right now! Thank you for the encouragement that we will get through this.
This resonated with me so much. I didn’t realize how much I was carrying until unfortunately a friend of mine had suddenly passed. I was so distraught and it felt like everyone was picking at me to still make plans and arrangements when all I wanted to do was lie in bed and cry.
And I don’t think it would have felt so bad, if they had just been inviting me somewhere to hang out, but it was just constantly “hey, we want to get together, can you contact so n’ so?” And I would sit there thinking “you have their number, why am I the one that has to?”
That’s when I realized I had been holding groups of people together because I had taken over that responsibility, but I just didn’t have the mental capacity for it anymore. So I stopped. I had conversations with the friends that I still wanted relationships with that I wasn’t going to keep making everything work. It helped me get some toxic relationships away from me, having those hard conversations. But I’m the end, I’ve felt a lot better. I still have my days and I definitely wrote down some notes from this because they weren’t things I had considered yet.
Thank you so much for this 💜
Enjoy your freedom of responsibility! Once you mastered letting go, you will enjoy taking some responsibility once in a while.
And yes, this is something I still have to learn, that I don't have to do everything by myself.
xoxo
I love how honest you are, it is just easy to relate, and easier to learn and retain information, as it is such real personal experience. Makes more sense, and is reassuring that no matter what we are literally all in this together.
So painfully relatable
This is exactly what I am struggling with right now. I was a parentified child and felt like it was my ultimate responsibility to hold everything together. I felt like I was and had to be the glue that had to keep everyone from falling apart. It feels like it's suffocating and stealing all of my energy. Having healthy boundaries regarding my time and energy has been crucial for me. These strict boundaries are uncomfortable to install in our lives but they allow for us to regain our sense of freedom and liberation.
Then we can use our time and energy as we wish. And only with the people who we want to be around. I desperately need to retire from this responsibility because it feels soul crushing if I'm being honest. It feels like I needed to be so strong for everyone else that now I can't even be strong for myself. How sad is that! It definitely is pulling me to do more inner child work so I can further understand how this tendency was created and how best to move forward.
It's such a heavy feeling that feels like a burden. It eventually leads to feeling resentful and angry with those who we interact with. Because in a way, we are mad at ourselves for having to be in this role, instead of just being free to be ourselves without all of that pressure. This is just my experience and perspective. I don't mean to speak for everyone. Hope someone relates.
I resonated with this so much. The feeling of not wanting kids because you have already spent your whole live being responsible for everyone is exactly how I feel.
Another facet of this which may or may not apply to you is relating to needs. I have really had to consider what my own needs are and whether they are being met and if I know how to ask for them to be met. Part of my burnout is huge resentment over being responsible for everyone. Then I listened to Brene Brown say that resentment is in the envy family not the anger family and it really changed everything for me. Part of the exhaustion is that I am responsible for tending to all these people’s needs, but who is responsible for tending to mine? When I feel resentment towards meeting someone’s needs, for me it is actually that I feel envious that they are so open in expressing their needs and asking for help without letting consideration/people pleasing stop them. Whereas I am over here being to considerate of other people to a) even know or pay attention to my needs, b) ask for any help or ask for anyone to be responsible for me
I know exactly what you mean Katy!! I'm a people pleaser and absolutely hate conflict. I will do anything and everything in my power to keep others happy.
This video actually helped me breathe a bit deeper. I give myself a day without my phone and then immediately need it to do something and allow myself to get sucked back in.
My people pleasing was self seeking and usually to get people to like me. I didn’t even like me.
You’re not alone feeling this way.
Self inventory writing is the BEST way to clean the slate for me. I just need to be aware of not numbing before hand (tv, UA-cam etc) so I can focus.
Are ya kiddin me right now Katie??
You’re describing me to a TEE here!!
My father abused me as a child, it was mostly verbal, mental abuse, but the physical episodes (his belt) are the ones that have stayed at the forefront of my adult life. Having raised our two sons with kindness and direction that was not given to me, they are now the pride of my life, in their adult lives.
I’m 69 now, single and have been seeing my therapist for almost four years. I’ve told her several times that she is the highlight of my every week and I truly wish I’d have started it much sooner.
I’ve been this people pleasing, planning, take care of everyone and everything guy, for most of my life. But I’ve never thought of it in this, “am I manipulative” sense. This is gonna take some careful thought and discussion with her for me to digest, for sure.
I was the dad who worked all three shifts, did my own laundry, planted the garden and flower beds, painted, cleaned the bathrooms, cut the acre and a half, helped coach the boys at little league and basketball, (they are 5 years apart in age) made myself a part of the church organizations and the Catholic school PTG, planning all the fundraisers for each entity….. and on and on…..
My therapist and I will once again this week, have some digging to do. LOL!!
Thank You Dear Katie for once again planting a seed for thought!! You Are Appreciated!!
So relatable. People pleasing definitely temporarily decreases anxiety but it’s exhausting and unrealistic to try and keep everyone content all the time.
I’ve also realised that I try to control every situation in life so I don’t feel as anxious all the time.
It’s so difficult to let others plan situations and sit back and feel okay about that, but it’s beneficial in order to remove control from your own hands.
Sometimes we don’t even recognise that we are constantly anxious until something happens and we immediately flip into panic (because we were already riding on the edge of panic without realising)… or on the contrary when our anxiety lessens momentarily and suddenly we don’t feel like ourselves and panic a bit because we’re so unfamiliar with being less anxious 😂
Often I’ll subconsciously do things to elevate my anxiety just so I feel more ‘myself’.
Well done for identifying these parts of your character and your current responses that may need some work.
The best mind is an open mind. 😊
With kindness and respect always
💗🌈🦋☀️🐝🌻
Excellent honest video. Thank you!! Lots of out of control things in my childhood made me just like this. Plus my temperament. A coworker friend who had been a police dispatcher would see me winding up. He'd say calmly, "There's no ambulance coming." That's the mantra at my home now when one of us starts revving into control/panic mode. It works instantly to get a calmer perspective.
I was in an abusive relationship for nearly 10 years. I realize now I allowed the abusive patterns to continue by people pleasing. It wasn't easy to accept but I realize now I did everything I could to make the abuse stop. I took responsibility for it, when the true responsibility for abuse lies with my abuser. The minute I stopped spending every hour of my day trying to please my spouse was the minute our whole marriage fell apart. I was devastated at the time, but after a year of being without them in my life I feel so much better. My life is mine again. I still have a long way to go heal and sometimes I still fall into some people pleasing patterns, but I recognize them much more often now. Honestly your content and your openness about your people pleasing has helped me so much over the last year, so thank you!!
My name is Katie, and this is something my therapist and I have also discussed, so this was a particularly interesting listen for me.
And honestly, same. I'm exhausted and it took forever to figure out why. This still hasn't quite sunk in, because it's hard to let go of the idea that this thing that makes people happy and makes them like me is a bad thing for me.
For me, it's also progressed into a martyr mentality as well of, I don't deserve to have nice things, these other people struggle, and so should I.
Good luck with your forward progress!
Ppl pleasing is something I’d done my entire life and I’m well into my 60’s…but when I turned 50, I realized I just couldn’t do it anymore, didn’t WANT to do it anymore and felt literally burnt out by having done it for so long. It didn’t particularly get me anywhere. In fact, it kept other ppl from knowing the real me, my boundaries & limitations and it made me realize i didn’t even realize who “I” was, what “I” wanted or needed. Others didn’t reach out to ever help ME…I was always rushing to help or fix others.
This all led to great anxiety, panic attacks, low self esteem and like you said total “burnout” from always trying to control my feelings & environment as well as others’ feelings. This entirely screams “TAKE A BREAK”! Time to look within. Time to sort out feelings.
I’m in therapy now, after 2 miserable years of isolating b/c of covid, And I had to look many fears and anxieties in the face. The realization of all the things that caused me anxiety seemed endless and like I was just creating more and more exponentially! The world felt like it was collapsing onto me with nowhere for me to turn. With the help of therapy and listening to Tara Brach & Ekhart Tolle UA-cam videos, it’s helping to make me feel more grounded. Less like I have to be in control of things. Good, is now “good enough.” Life is complicated. We all need to take a break…sometimes a long break, and just know that all will be ok, even if it doesn’t seem like it in the moment.
This resonated so much with me. We seem to be very much alike. I've been struggling with anxiety, OCD, people pleasing, avoiding conflicts etc. all my life. I've been thinking lately that I'm also kind of a 'passively' parentified child because of growing up with a traumatized mother. I'm 33 and still act as if it's me that experienced childhood trauma. I didn't - but I took everything in 'second hand' through my mum, if that makes sense. Also, I'm a therapist (for children) today and struggle with the fact that it might be better for me to not have children of my own. Thank you for your openness. 🙂
This is me too. It is all about anxiety and control. My mom's memory problems has forced me begin to realize how much I can't control. My people pleasing skills to relieive my anxiety don't work on her anymore because she can't remember what I did or didn't do. That leads to me thinking a conversation with her is a big deal, but she doesn't it remember the next day.
Kati, I cannot thank you enough for this video. I feel the exact same way. You thinking 'how dare you, take that back' to what your therapist said made me giggle because it's so relatable. Being called out on our patterns.... Thank you for these videos and talking so openly about everything. This is so, so needed.
My only issue right now is learning to set boundaries and say no to people. I need this for myself while I get my own stuff sorted out. I like my friends & house guests but don't like having house guests. So instead of being a vacation station, i started saying no. "I can meet you somewhere 1/2 way so it's a vacation for the both of us." I may lose friends but that's better than losing my own mind. I made a firm decision & I'm sticking to it. Self preservation.
Thanks for sharing about the people pleasing manipulation, that was a mind blowing realisation for me and now I know
Of course!! It blew my mind when I learned that too! xoxo
I just found this video after watching one where you discussed childhood neglect. I never thought about the fact that my constant people pleasing is actually a way for me to control what’s happening around me. Without a doubt it is definitely me trying to avoid confrontation.
WOW!!! Thank you Kati for all the insight, I was the hero child in my family and people always look to me as an adult to take care of everything, it’s exhausting! I’ve been doling out responsibilities to my family and they’re not liking it, lol
I resonated with a lot of what you mentioned. My therapist and I have talk before about the possibility of my people pleasing being a manipulative coping tactic. Likely originating from a place of fawning. (Tried to control anything and anyone I could in hopes it would y set off my unpredictable drunk father). As well as a thought pattern of “I need to be good/helpful enough or “anyone” will leave me.
I do think it’s harmed/harming my relationships. And is a big part of my burnout I’ve been in for over two years now.
I people please/be the responsible one a lot and often don’t notice. And am praised for it, yet I often dismiss or diminish it. But when I get overwhelmed or stressed I often have thoughts like I’m not being thought of or appreciated at all and I become resentful of “all that I give to people”. Like they should be aware of and reciprocate what I do for them. Even though most of the time no one’s asked me to take care or or take responsibility for them.
I also find that in these times a will sometimes end up with flipped thoughts. Like I think and act like I don’t care anymore. “I’m not gonna do anything or anyone ever again” out of spite. Though rarely do I ever follow through on those thoughts and if I do it’s very short lived. The fear of conflict and abandonment kick in and keep me from “retiring”. I do think I’ve “retired” more during this burnout I’m in. (Not working, seeing friends less and doing less altogether) but I’m not convinced that it’s been healthy for me either. I get a mix of guilt/shame when I don’t attend to others or decline responsibility. And I’ve also let all responsibility go at times and still sometimes. Even personal responsibilities.
So I’m aware of it and know I should work on it but struggle since it’s linked to childhood traumas. And haven’t figured out how to manage it without cross either line of going back to people pleasing or going the other way and basically giving up on participating in life to avoid feeling the need to people please.
Relatable definitely have the same thought process if I control everything and take responsibility then nothing can go wrong. I mean doesn't really work like that as most things are out of my control, which is frustrating as the effort wasn't worth it in the end. 😑😂
Yikes, I related to this a lot. I was just doing something like this and after listening to this video, I apologized to my friend. Thanks for sharing as always and helping me grow
Of course!! I am so glad it was helpful :) xoxo
Yep I feel super burnt out in general these days. because of how much two members of my family is always acting irresponsible and hurtful to others. But I am taking my space from them, witch really helps a lot... as for cooking and home tasks.. my parents actually spoils me there.
My older siblings are actually being so sopportive these days, since they're back home *they went abroad to study and work*.. they're taking off my shoulders the troubles of my family. I feel blessed😄.
And yes the "They can go through things without me" statement, really calms me down.
Thank you katie, I REALLY love your videos and they help me out.. I hope you have a nice retired day.
Hi Kati, your reasons for why you take on so much responsibility seem totally on point from what I can tell. I always tend to think about how there's this spectrum of how we learn to cope as kids with trauma or masses of overwhelm. It has overfunctioning on the one end and underfunctioning on the other, and both are coping mechanisms that can trip us up in the long run. And I guess healthy functioning lies somewhere in the middle. I'm not a therapist (yet lol, still studying), but I've noticed that soooo many people who've had trauma from abuse/family addiction etc, fall towards either end of this spectrum. Probably depending on their personality and other extenuating circumstances. And it definitely does look like you naturally gravitated toward the responsible end of the spectrum.
Like, I am a visually disabled woman from South Africa, and I couldn't always escape the house when my parents' addictions and other issues would flare up, so I developed this learned helplessness thing and ended up gravitating toward the underfunctioning end. My coping mechanism is that my brain goes into paralysis mode bc of the belief that I *can't* control shit, even if I wanted to. So that can result in procrastination, messiness, food addiction, depression and lethargy, for example. I tell you this because I want you to know I see you and that there's nothing, like, *wrong* with you for having these coping mechanisms. Nobody lives through some ACEs and immediately just has this totally healthy style of functioning as adults, whichever point on that spectrum they may fall on. What you explained just makes all the sense in the world... and hopefully this comment normalises your own challenges for you in times when you might be tempted to chastise yourself for them
Thanks for being transparent and "ramblely". Seeing anxiety and trying to figure-it-outness presented by a therapist is eye opening. Because I think I've been envisioning therapists (including my own) as superhuman and having all the answers, but only for themselves. Kind of as if as much at they want to help, or you crave their help, they just don't get it because CLEARLY they're ALWAYS resilient and know the solution, and I don't. This has quickly recentered and reminded me that no one has all the answers on any subject no matter how versed and studied they are in it. Wishing you a nice retirement from the behaviors that bring burnout or you feel aren't serving you anymore. Again, I commend you for sharing (all while giving homework that we could dive into for ourselves as well). Thanks!
Omg. This so opened my eyes. The exhaustion of being the responsible role, all the time. Thank you for sharing this with such honesty and clarity. 💜
The parent child resonated too, not me parenting a parent, but I had a brother 9 years older than me, and he was reckless and dangerous, sometimes I had to be the one to try to get him to not do stupid or dangerous things. I think that mostly encouraged him to be more dangerous though. But I felt responsible for witnessing it and not being able to stop it because I knew better.
Anxiety, people pleasing, needing to control, yes yes yes. Sometimes I also angrily would think, “I’m the only one thinking responsibly, why _shouldn’t_ I control this, and that just heaped on more responsibility, and with it, anxiety.
And the hyper vigilance! Two sides of the same coin - strong responsibility brings hyper vigilance.
It's crazy because people pleasing only makes me calm in that moment but it doesn't make me calm later on when I think about what I wish I would have said or done
Oooo I relate to this so much! I'm an elementary art teacher and very good with kids but never wanted kids of my own. Friends, family, coworkers were always so stumped as to why....so was I to be honest. I was the people pleaser, super responsible, taking care of things my mom couldn't, she has hoarding issues along with depressive episodes and anxiety. I went through a lot of death in a short amount of time as well. My brother was suicidal at one point too. I'm in my 40's and have never even been in a relationship because I was so worried I would have to take care of the needs of that person and the thought of that was completely exhausting. Makes a lot of sense now and because of therapy I have been able to see why!
Hey Kati, I believe this is so common. I am in therapy as well for the same reason. I always was the 'mum' already, like you said. But it never occurred to me that this is a bad thing and a sign of me not taking care of myself, but instead manipulating and planning everything around me, so that I can be ok. It took being a mother and not being able to do my usual controlling behaviour with my strong willed child and things going wrong for me to start feeling the things I was so desperate to hold at bay. My therapist put it as being "anxiety structured". That thought really helped because I was beating myself up over not being able to just drop this behaviour. Turns out my whole brain was wired though intense anxiety and it's got its perks like being really attentive to details and other people's needs and so on. But since it is enmeshed in my brain structure it will take a really long time to restructure my brain to some extent. It helps me to actually feel the enormous stress that comes up, it also helps to the it back to the more vulnerable states I was in and the intense fear of abandonment. But wherever it takes for you, I'm sure you can understand and work on it, if you feel like it's taken over your life. It's great that you already know that about yourself and can begin to understand what is really going on with you, so that you can start to live a happier life! Be proud of yourself, you are untangling a huuuuuge knot! 😎
my counsellor told me something important about people pleasing (in the way of always making sure other people are alright). If someone seems to be upset with you, you can ask them what's wrong and apologize for what you did wrong. If they refuse to tell what you did wrong/why they are upset with you, then you don't have to stay in the state of anxiety about it. That's on them now. I don't know if that helps anyone.
also, a different counsellor (in the past) told me that 'anxiety is unestimating your ability to cope'. If the thing you are getting anxiety over really happened, then you would deal with it but anxiety is underestimating your ability to do that.
I love this channel. Been watching Katie for years. My thing is childhood abuse. I went through that and it really messed my life up. I got trauma from it.
I am so glad you love the channel, and so sorry you had to go through such trauma growing up. xoxxo
I loved this Kati. I loved the way you sat down and talked about this in a very personable way. I really resonated with this and its definitely given me food for thought now! I'm a people pleaser too and my friends nickname me "Mother Hen". And I also actively choose to not have children so when you said maybe the reason you done that was because you'd been so responsible with everyone in your life up until then you got burnt out, I was like hmm... maybe that was partly a reason for my choice too because reflecting on it now I can remember feeling that the thought of taking on any more responsibility on my shoulders would be too much. The other reason was because I grew up with a narcissistic mother and I had this enormous fear of turning into her with my own child so I decided to forgo the risk. And that in turn is another reason why I'm a people pleaser... because of my narcissistic mother. I look back at myself as a child and feel sad that I now know I was suffering with depression from a young age (4 years old onwards) and feeling anxiety all the time.
I know this is not directly relating to the topic of responsibility, but it is relating to control and anxiety and when I'm feeling out of control of a situation and anxious, I tell myself "you can't sweat what you can't control" "what will be will be". I find the first one calms me down when I repeat it. It kind of washes a clearer perspective over me in that moment and I feel less stressed.
I'm going to take what you've said in this video and really reflect over my own life and think about why I'm so mother hen all the time. I know its definitely to self sooth.
Anyway, I'm going to stop my own ramble now (haha) and send you love and hugs. You're the best!
Amazing revelations Katie, well done you! Awareness is everything!!!!! So vulnerable of you to share with us and help all of us who struggle in the same area. We ll "retire" with you 💓
Your honesty is refreshing
Kati you hit the nail on the head - I think many of us are still reeling from the ways in which the world has changed right? It's helpful to hear you describe your experience of it all and I think it then helps others feel its ok to talk about burnout too! Responsibility can be tiring...trying to multi-task and have a helicopter view over everything happening around us. First step is awareness of what's happening - and sounds like you have great awareness of yourself. Responsibility and people-pleasing being linked is interesting too - something for us all to think about....
I understand your struggles: they stem from the belief that you could somehow change what someone else feels. Nobody can change other people's feelings! it's the most intimate choice we make every single minute of our lives (therefore many times childish!)
Great content, btw- thank you!!!
i love this kind of video, idk if you regularly do these but i really like the just raw honestly and talking
I relate so much to this! Thank you, i really needed to hear someone else talk about it.
Would love more about this topic! Seriously need this.
yay, a new video!!! hope everyone's having a good day 🤗💖 appreciate you kati
This video is extremely profound for me. You summed up exactly how I’ve been feeling about wanting to stop being so responsible. I never connected the dots on anxiety, responsibility and control. This is so helpful. A huge thank you!!! I wish I could hug you for bringing this to light.
I’ve never had a more relatable conversation! This is me to a T. Scarily spot on and I’m now using these as talking points in my therapy session later today so thank you ❤️
It's really helpful to hear you talk about your things too and work them out. I really resonate with your feelings here and I'm going to try to find things to try to help me now too. Thanks, have a wonderful week too.
Thank you for all you do. For being vulnerable and for leading by example in this crazy world. So glad I have found you. I'm off work meantime after suffering a breakdown which is the culmination of decades of trauma stuff going on for me. Take care of yourself 💜
Thank you so much for sharing this. It means a lot to me and really helps me discover new patterns to my own anxiety.
Took the words right out of my mouth! The situations you talked about had me laughing or tearing up at how much I related. I’ve been coming to grips with my controlling behaviors recently, and it’s been hard. But doing little things like leaving messes or distancing myself from certain relationships that were keeping me in a not so great space have really helped ease some of my anxieties. Thank you for sharing!!
Kati i appreciate this vulnerability so much. Thank you for sharing, I find this all so insightful and treasure these videos. Xo
wow, this totally makes sense... being responsible all the time has definitely overwhelmed me. I just realized that, thank you for sharing...and now to process it.
I love these honest videos Kati! I feel more of a connection to you than any other UA-camr or honestly, people in my life right now. When you made the connection about not wanting kids because you’ve already been a mom your whole life, I was like wow, that is why I don’t want kids!! My friends always say I’d be a great mom but I’m so burnt out and I’m barely 22, how do people build up such resilience, you’re so impressive 🤗💕 thank you for these videos
I relate to this SO MUCH! It’s so me. My partner constantly tells me to “chill out” because I feel like I’m ‘responsible’ for everything.
We all appreciate your bravery and commitment to this journey Katie! You're doing the best you can to put yourself forward and yet reflecting on the your previous moments to make today better. Thanks for the inspiration!
Such a lovely share! :) best post yet. So insightful!
I can see myself almost in everything you said and we should also talk about the backlash of being /feeling responsible for everything, because if something goes wrong, than guilt and shame step in, even with simple things that aren't really your responsibility- at least for me it happenes a lot.
Your videos are always great ways to reflect on how we "work" internally and I really love when you are so corageous and generouse to share your own journey and thoughts. These videos and AKA ones are almost like doing group therapy for me ❤️
Wow ! When I get the chance to view your content, I am always struck by the authenticity ! Sounds like you have an amazing therapist! Really great amazing and fascinating insight! Thank you for being vulnerable on camera! Super helpful, I greatly appreciate it!
Can so relate to everything you said! I definitely feel like having control soothes my anxiety, yet somehow makes me feel worse and makes me more rigid. I’ve been gently making myself be messy on purpose and take my time getting back to people and doing tasks. Its uncomfortable but has been helpful.
There’s an episode from the Baggage Reclaim Sessions podcast that talks about over responsibility. This is the first time I realized this is what I had all my life! Highly recommend it. Thanks so much for your candor, honesty and vulnerability, it helps so many of us too 💗 hang in there !
I can relate completely to this. I feel like I am constantly micromanaging myself and others. Looking back my Grandma and Mom are like this too.
Looking forward to watching more videos on this. Partly have to manage or deal with it.
I love these kind of videos where you are "just" talking to us
I love the honesty and vulnerability here. I definitely see myself in a lot of the things you’re saying. Great to have someone else vocalize the things that I feel so much shame over about myself and to realize, “hey maybe it’s not as bad as I thought it was”
Omigosh, this resonates so much...from the cause of the stress, to "disliking" having to be the responsible one because you realise its effect on you, and how this all relates to wanting/not wanting kids etc. 🙈🙈🙈 wow thank you for sharing Kati. Your videos are honestly so precious.
Really liked that relaxed format 🥰
Your thinking is spot on. You've got this Katie. Disease to please is a good thing to heal from. I was a people pleaser/manipulator too.( Helper child in dysfunctional family of origin which includes fawning.hyper vigilance etc) fear of rejection and abandonment is also on the list for me. It's such a relief to recover.
Kati, you just described my life! Childhood SA ., parentified young, people pleaser with a 40 year career in health care- the perfect storm! When I was forced to retire early, it was very traumatic , followed by the death of my mom (also traumatic), and the death of a very close friend by suicide a couple of months later, it threw me into a tailspin of anxiety and panic attacks, along with social anxiety. Through therapy, I learned that anxiety had been such a part of my life from such a young age, that my mind had “normalized” it, allowing me to function somewhat normally. Until trauma entered the picture. Unfortunately for me, my burnout, or retirement from responsibility took on extremeness to the point of what I call paralysis…..not bathing, cleaning, doing laundry or going out for very long periods of time. I’m working on it, but it’s slow going with the underlying depression. So you see, I totally resonated with this post. Thank you for sharing your insights and being vulnerable, as well as relevant!
What has helped is YOU!!! So glad to come across your videos. Thank you 😊
Love these videos where you share with us your own journey through all of this 👌
I can see myself a lot in what you describe :
-the control over every little things in my life
-the feeling of having to be there for everybody and to be their saviour
-The need to please everybody
It’s all related to my anxiety and some codependency issues that i have .
But i am getting better day by day 💪
It really helped to hear about your own struggles with people pleasing. It made me feel less alone and like I don't have to heal perfectly in the most perfect way lol. It reminds me that therapy is messy and that can be a good thing!! It's also less intimidating to know that even someone who has years of experience as a therapist can struggle with these things too. Thank you again Kati!!
I so admire you & appreciate the fact you allow people to see this side of you.
Thank you Katie. You're on the right track it seems. 👌
I love your style of this video. It feels like a real conversation, and that's refreshing. Thank you for the message as well, it hit home.
What's helped me is to look at my beliefs, leave my family (they were very abusive), asking for help (therapy), letting messes go, and observing my partner and noticing how they made drastically different choices than me and they're fine (i.e. leaving dishes over night would end my world lol and he leaves dishes almost every night, and now it doesn't take from my joy because leaving messes doesn't equal "I'm not loved because I'm not absolutely perfect" anymore!).
Hope you are doing alright.. you do good work. Thanks for sharing what you feel.
Omg. Loved this Video. More of this please! It was just recently pointed out to me that what I thought was me trying to help, was actually me trying to control everything so I do not feel anxiety and it hit me pretty hard, but just the realization was really helpful. I am now always trying to take a step back and tell myself I cannot control everything and that is ok. And just working on my anxiety actually helped a lot. Would love to learn more on how to manage this though.
My friend's controlling behavior ended our friendship. She saw it as being "helpful." I saw it as being in my face, controlling, and stressful. I am a competent person who has been an RN for 46 years and does not need "help."
Wow is this ever spot on!!! PP as a manipulation to manage my own anxiety…🤯
never thought of that either, but it makes so much sense! I’m 60 and still learning-thank you, Jesus!! And thank YOU, Kati 💖 for thinking out loud. It helps me immensely to hear you processing all this. I just love you to pieces!! 😘
Dear Kati, I am Alexandra and I love your videos. I just wanted to send you hugs and I hope you can get enough time off to relax and not being responsible 😊😊
Thank you for sharing your imperfections, because I am having trouble with splitting, and seeing only the good or the bad in a person, and seeing that you just realizing, what I thought was not healthy with some therapists, being so accessible (my therapist also), and I am trying to balance the imperfections with the persona of you, and this really helps seeing you as a human and not just a UA-cam celebrity! so thanks!
Me too Mirva..word for word what you said! Yes Kati, I get tired of being in the driver seat of life! My mother used to say "If you want something done right, do it yourself!" I have always had a hard time asking for help.
I'm very much at the same point you are. It was hard putting where I'm at into words, because being responsible is almost necessary in this life. But I am tired. Keep going, mamas. 💜 Glad you're diving deep into yourself. 😊