A well intentioned form of this is the person that always tries to force their help on people when it's not wanted. If you find people getting annoyed with you a lot and your response is 'I was just trying to help', you might be a bit too controlling. It's well intentioned, but can be pretty destructive. That's my opinion from experience anyway.
" The antidote to anxiety is not control , the antidote to anxiety is TRUST " ..... That pretty much nailed it for me . Such a great video . Thank you from my heart .....
This video is a good reminder. Keep your mouth closed and your opinions to yourself when you see people behave, perform, act differently than how you would. Unless it’s some immediate safety concern, just let others be who they are.
I think so many of us do these things without realising they are controlling habits. Often comes from a place of trauma and being unhealed from it. The good news is we can heal! We can retrain our brains to think and feel differently. The first step is being aware of our behaviour. Taking accountability for it. Then seeking the reasons why and doing the hard work to heal and adopt healthier behaviours.
6:35 1.) Do you use guilt to get people to do what you want them to do? 7:46 2.) Do you get jealous or feel threatened if people you're close to (partner/sibling/best friend) want to do things with other people? 9:58 3.) Do you nitpick or overtly criticize people for not doing/seeing things your way? 12:30 4.) Do you punish people for not meeting your expectations, particularly unspoken ones, by withholding your love/words/time? 14:54 5.) Do you try to coerce (ridicule/guilt) people into seeing things your way? 16:56 6.) Do you try to solve people's problems for them and get upset when they don't follow through on your solution? 22:48 7.) Do you project your emotions on to others for their choices? Do you expect other people to make you feel better/fix it?
HI Coach Julia! Senior Sifter here! BTW - I personally love having these videos come out on Friday now. =) And yes - If I am understanding you right, I agree with you! Dishes should be rinsed off before loading the dishwasher🤣 Wow - this was a deep one! I think before I could see how I may have acted in some behavior before the Shift Society but I never was the type to actually want to control anybody, but I can see in the subtle ways it could have crept up.
Here are my notes: 7 Subtle Signs You're Too Controlling What controlling is: Controlling is an antidote to anxiety. Control is an illusion.
7 Signs:
1. Using guilt to get what you want. 2. Getting jealous and feeling left out. 3. Overly criticize people for not doing exactly what you want them to do. 4. Get mad at people who don't meet your expectations (And you don't even tell them what those expectations are.) 5. Coerce people into seeing things your way.
6. Try to solve other people's problems for them and get upset and punish them if they don't follow your advice. 7. If you are laying your emotions on to somebody else for their choices. To those who are reading this, I want to remind you and encourage you if you ever question your worth and value, that you truly are a worthy and valued person. You do matter. ❤
this is great! as someone who has suffered from narcissistic abuse, and domestic violence, etc...I realize that I developed a pattern of control in order to cope. it made sense in toxic relationships (it was stemming from self defense or just having to do everything because they couldn't do the bare minimum, and they never listened to my needs even when I told them clearly). so in new (healthier) relationships, I find these control issues come up, but I realize that im having a trauma response based on PAST experiences. my DV relationship drove me crazy because he tried to control every aspect of my life. he isolated me. he accused me of cheating (when I never even thought of other guys), and I remember feeling so sad that he didn't trust me. yet...I struggle to trust healthy people! the thing that helps me the most...is remembering how invisible I felt when I was faithful and committed and dedicated, but I was treated like I was the most selfish, cheating, "whorish", person when I was nothing of the sort. his insecurities were the reason why he couldn't feel EVERYTHING I was willing to give him. although admittedly, staying in domestic violence came from the belief that my love could help them. now thats controlling. let people show them who they are, step by step, and over time.
Holy cow! I cannot think of something more synchronous to exactly what I’m going through at the moment than your delivery here. Control is absolutely an illusion. Lovely to hear my own bs exposed by another mind than my own particularly guilting. Enjoyed as usual.
I struggle with anxiety & depression, and am guilty of being too controlling, much of the time. It is on the verge of destroying the few relationships I have. Your videos are very helpful! Many of the points made in this video resonate with me. Goodness, I need to change and it will be a challenge.
Oh my GAWD!!! At first I was petrified, to watch this video (only because I could feel it speaking to me). You are sooooooo right about being controlling and how it is tied to anxiety. As a chronic suffering person I can honestly testify to your examples of how trying to keep it all together can drive you up a wall! I've only recently, discovered the art of "letting it go...or be". While I am ONLY on day two (lol) I feel happy. Being or feeling happy is something I haven't felt in a decade. Xo
well this is the perfect online therapy session for me😂I am the controlling one and I don't want to hear my friend and girlfriend talking about hanging out with other people other than me and although I try to control myself I still feel sad and left out and I make sure they feel guilty about this. And also I get very upset and frustrated if a friend came to me talking about her feelings n asking for advice then doesn't follow my advice. One time I got so angry at my friend when she came to me again talking about the same problem, I said something harsh and hurt her feelings a lot. Thank you Julia for making this one, I've always wanted to change but haven't got any ideas on how to do it.
Well, this was an eye-opener for me. I feel like a complete jerk now. A girl I am (was) dating. Told me she needed space. And of course. I didn't take that on well. She blocked all contact with me. When I tried to take control. The thing that pushed to this break. Was over a simple suggestion I made. We argued before. After every suggestion. I always thought. Well, she is not taking criticism well. And I guess she was right. I am too controlling. I wasn't doing it to shape her. But to help her. So she doesn't make the mistakes I do. Not to manipulate her. But after watching this. I guess that's what I was doing. I wish I can tell her this and apologize. But I'm blocked. So...
This is great for people who have left a cult or high-control group. It's basically all we've seen/been taught. It's difficult to unlearn as an adult but still possible!
I have a father who struggle with insecurity and anxiety and is trying to control us and feeling stressed, angry, and overwhelmed while doing so. I also have a mother who is most impacted by this feel generally shame and resentment. As much as I want to take control of things to make it better for them because I feel stressed and anxious when they are unhappy, I remind myself that they are allowed to have and continue with their problems, and I am allowed to set a boundary by not engaging with them when they get into a conflict.
I can relate with the husband who thought his wife and her role in his life was to make her happy. I think it's a pretty common misconception about relationships . I appreciated the content and information on this video, there was an undercurrent of doom or painting being controlling as the worst thing ever. It's not. You can acknowledge it and change, and this video will definitely help.
What about asking for forgiveness in a tone that means if you don't then I will be mad at you? And if I don't offer forgiveness then comes either groveling for forgiveness or anger.
I don't ask people to apologize but if they don't then I accept they value me a lot less than what I'll accept in my life. I had a friend betray me and try to end a relationship with my ex. I expected to have a conversation and wouldn't accept sweeping it under the rug, I won't pretend people value me if they don't. She refused to have that conversation, she's no longer a friend. I didn't try to force, I asked a few times when she was trying to pretend it didn't happen. A year later I announced to our group of friends what happened because it's hard to explain why you're no longer at that friends house every other weekend. I needed people to know if they want to see me they'll need to invite me separately into their lives. She became psychotic in her reaction, I told her I wasn't trying to smear her but I needed to explain why things have changed and people should know how she showed up in my life.
Thank you for this video! I'm the (F) child of an abusive alcoholic father. Heft when I was 13. Not surprisingly I have struggled with OCD all my life. Since I've gone through therapy most of my life; I am much better than ever. I say all this just to give you some background. But the reason for my writing this was simply to say thank you for your videos and this one in particular. ❤
Be never before thought to link my tendency to control with having anxiety. This is so true, wow. Great video, very insightful & helpful advice. Thank you(:
Got on the waitlist!! I have exhausted every self-help book, every video and making very little progress at 51yrs old. After listening to your content for 2 days i feel a shift like never before. I read " the Science of Stuck", which helped me realize things about myself in a different way, specifically the concept of " Emotional regression." so by searching out help in that area, I found your videos on emotional maturity and just Wow!!! Cannot wait to do the work in your shift society!!! thank you so very much!!!
This explains the narc I am married to and need to step back. I see how I am trying to control his contempt towards me and him using his kids against me. I cannot control them. I can only control myself.
This video could literally not have come at a better time. Thank you so much for this. I find that I struggle a lot with anxiety and always feeling like I can help it by controlling my environment and my partner. It's a very difficult thing to let go of, but I fully intend to get there. One day at a time. Thank you Julia! Love your content
So… I had this friend… who would cry on my shoulder about her new boyfriend… she would ask for lots of advice… the guy by all accounts was pretty much a womanizer, narcissistic and unkind to my friend. I advised to be more assertive and not just tell him what she was unhappy about but leave if he wasn’t acting on her pleas. I used a lot of my very little time to listen to her and console her… lots of my time… and when she finally left him (after a year of being her support person) I advised her to look after herself for at least a month before rushing into anything or back to anything… but the separation lasted a week… and she was gaslighting herself to me justifying it. I told her.,. Fine.,. Totally your decision but I really do not have all the time in the world to be the one trying to sort out your relationship problems any more.. go back to him … all good and blessings and all but I am not going to be the one to pick up the pieces for you. She cut me off…
People at different life stages offer each other advice without getting each other at all as things are different from when the older generations were younger and the younger generations cannot relate to the older generation's stage of life - it is incomparable - I found this so interesting re you offering your mother suggestions.
I might add wanting to have the last word. I had to laugh a little because I saw so much of myself. It's like trying to pull a tough weed with your hands to change. Thank you for sharing. I just came across your channel.
When you mentioned Trust that was the first thing I thought - Trusting Jesus and realising that I thought I did but didn’t fully. And the scripture “Be anxious for nothing…” Thank you so much for this video. It’s really been an eye opener for me.
I do with my son and he is 33 yo. It bothers me when people dont love me like i love them or treat me well like i treat them. I have issues but this video is helpibg me change that. I have no right to have any expectations of him now that he is an adult. Thank you Julia.
I have been listening to you and under your tutelage for a very long time. 1st I wanna say thank you for all the training and all the understanding you have brought to my life. You are one of the top people I listen to and model with my coaching endeavors at The Paradigm Shifts. I also wanna say thank you for just being you; you seem like a really cool chick. Now, all I have to say is wow, wow for me. I listened to this video and everything on the list I do not do which means I am not only learning but actually putting in the work to heal and evolve. A lot if not all the stuff on the list I used to do but I don't do it anymore. Thank you for being my teacher on my journey I appreciate you and all that you do. Stay up and Stay blessed. Peace and love Kaila New York!
Thanks so much for the awesome video Julia. Lots of great information for navigating life in relationships. I’ve been somewhat of a loner for the last twenty plus years. If I ever would decide to try another relationship there is lots of good advice. All the best of everything to you and your family. 🙏 stay safe out there.
I can relate to this with my old self. I realize that I was too controlling of the situation - there was one time that I was volunteering to help a friend solve their problems but then get anxious when my solution wasn't chosen. I'm no longer doing this and letting them handle things on their own and just listen to them. Everything you said was on spot and I'm quite surprised myself that this is one way of escaping or dealing with anxiety. Because I couldn't control what other people what say or do, I end up being controlling of my situation when the only thing I can control is my reaction to people's actions.
These kinds of tutorials are really making it easier and easier to spot certain types I couldn't before. Recently, I ran into a Christian lady. I'm not gonna says she's good or bad. Everyone has their faults and their own walk in life. She started with gift giving. Then moved into warning me about my beverage choices. At first I thought she was just being nice until she kept bringing it up and sending me all this information. *rolling eyes*. She was getting angry. One of my major red flags is when you tell someone 'no' for something simple and if they start losing it you probably have a big problem. As expected, before I know it she's telling me when I should sleep, how I should live every facet of my life and even when I have permission to die. I'm sick. Made me sad, but I had to let her go. I don't have the time or energy anymore. This knowledge has given me the necessary bridge that I needed so badly to live and die in peace. Keep up the good work.
why do you want to forget about the past? i think thats what we should be asking instead. and maybe we can grow stronger little by little, and eventually outgrow what our past was... or, at least, try to. little by little. it would help if we knew the why though. and even that is a process of discovery and impermanence. ... i think we often live in fear of our past. it claims us. it chains us. we learn to let it be a part of us. and we might be acting out or trying to run away from the past... in a roundabout effort to lay claim on it back. but it is a reaction... that doesnt seem to be satisfied so easily. sorry. this is long. and ranty.
@@Neo-Reloaded that's because you identify what you experience with what you are. The real self is not a fixed idea, it's fluid consciousness. Social conditioning and the development of the ego teaches us to assign things to ourselves to create the idea of a "ego self", a fixed idea of self, when there really is no such thing. It starts out early in life by getting a name, now every time you do something "wrong" people can assign values to you, "Neo did this, Neo is this". Over time you do the same to yourself, you collect experiences and things that you did and make this your value, as if these things you did are fixed things and not just fluid states that disappear once they happen.Technically, you did them yes, but aside from conditioning and the ego, there is no reason why this should stay with you, or rather, stay assigned to you. You can keep the memories of what happened, but do not identify with them. A tree wouldn't care that it "once blew a little weirdly" and keep that with it, it just goes with all the changing states of existing, which are reborn every moment. Humans are no different, being part of nature, it is just that we learned to identify our ever-changing fluid consciousness with the idea of a fixed "self", with a name and values. This might seem naive because yes civilized living and the ego makes it almost impossible to avoid this, but do not mistake that fact for this being anything else than a shared deception. There is no "you", not in that sense anyway, you are as fluid and ever-changing as every moment, any state, and anything else in nature. We've just learned to "fix" onto things, ironically trying to control things by fixing them in place, defining them. But anything that stops dies, what lives grows always. For that reason the older we get, the more we experiences we connect with ourselves and identify with, the more baggage we carry on ourselves, the more fixed we become, and the less we are able to renew. All these things we associate with ourselves, where are they? surely if they are real they must be found somewhere. You could say that you are a kind person for example, but if you are at any moment capable from being kind, unkind, and anything in between, where does this fixed idea of "kind" exist, that you claim to be "who you are"? Isn't this merely a set of relative, fluid states? like angry, sad, and so on. How then can a person BE angry? You experience the emotional state of angry sure, but how can this be you? It passes at some point. Yet you would describe yourself this way if you have a tendency to experience the emotional state of anger. The issue here is not the anger, but assigning the experience of the anger to some fixed idea of "you". In actuality nothing clings to us, and when any state or experience passes it leaves us clear, and it will pass unless your ego clings onto it, making us essentially renewed or reborn at any moment.
I am hyper controlling of even the past and like just concepts. In other people. I also control people all the time, in ways that others probably wouldn't be able to see at first, unless they know what I am talking about. Or they have good self-awareness. Then they would be able to see some of these things. But likely not to the degree of control and depth I have.... It is very autonomous in many ways as well... Like my hearts beat.
My mother was very much like this. Lord rest her soul. She passed away from cancer almost 4 years ago. I don't want to be like that. As I have witnessed it causes people not to want to be around you.
I find that people attack me when they don't agree with me. I deal a lot with the public and when they don't like my video they attack me in the comments. So I ask you, which one of us is controlling?
My closed friend is exactly controlling me as one of the signs you are describing. She has been getting angry with me when I have opinions which don't have any impact on her and I have never imposed my opinions on her. Now I am hestitated to express my views, thinking and perspectives to her . I'm feeling quite tired with her and I don't feel like replying to her text message anymore because she might get upset again. If she will blow up again, I am done.
The summary is great, but I think those who need to hear it aren’t the one’s watching. How instead do you communicate these concepts to loved ones who are too controlling?
Somewhat true. A very toxic person might not watch this. But someone who might have some trauma, insecurity , anxiety etc. like me....are learning something here!
Whew😹I was a massive Dishwasher Nazi😖🙈🙉🙊 I’m really LOLing because ALL of this was me until I went through trauma informed therapy & personal growth work & learned to FORGIVE myself for being asleep 💪💫👏✌️🙏🥰 Your work is a total gift to the world💝🙏
1.use Guilt to get people what you want to do. 2. Jealousy 3.Overly criticize 4.Punish people if you don't meet the expectation 5.Forcing other people to hsve the same opinion as yours. 6.solve other problems and be upset if they didn't follow you. 7,. need to do if someone complaines, ask them if theubneed solution or they just wamt to complain? You have the right to step back if you don't like the negative situations that someone express
Is it bad that after someone has loaded the dishwasher and I go to put something in it, I rearrange it how I like it? Same for rearranging the cupboards? 😅
When she mentioned Trust that was the first thing I thought - Trusting Jesus and realising that I thought I did but didn’t fully. And the scripture “Be anxious for nothing…”
I developed a condition of rule towards other people problems: "Never tell your problems to me which you don't wanna and aren't ready solve out!" Who disrespect this get kicked out of my life because my life And psyche isn't rental storage for others frustrations.
There are clean people and there are nasty people in the world. I believe our focus should be on doing God's will and not our own. Otherwise we will have chaos. I also believe that God is with me, therefore I can remain sane in my focus on him. People are just temporary, our Heavenly Father is eternal!
How do you (any of us) know what God's will is? Is that not us putting a human attribute (Will) upon something that is beyond manifestation, comprehension? It's a Rhetorical question. No need to respond.
And the United States a lot of people suffer from these issues.When an environment is ruled by selfishness, and consideration, lack of morals, mix with a whole lot of self entitlement✍🏽Most don’t know these things are unhealthy.When there are so many people doing negative things around them it becomes the norm.When this type of behavior is condoned in the United States a lot of people from the United States suffer from these issues by default👈🏽How can people know that most things are wrong when there’s so much wrong spread out in chaos ALL around them🎯We are a nation that breeds thinking that we are better than everyone else.And when we have a nation that thinks like this it trickles down in our families in ourselves in our homes because it is our norm.This is why we have so much crime than any other country.We are a falling nation with falling WAYS.Everyone stay blessed proud of being you and try to do the right things in life and everything should work out fine👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽Because in reality no one is perfect.The most hardest thing to change is learned behaviors📚📖
Look how the United States Govt. treated the American Indians. Talk about Controlling. American has a deep history of needing to be in control, the leader, etc.
If I don't do things the way she wants then it's my fault not her fault I should pay better attention. It's her way or no way that's how it should be I believe that strongly for many years
A well intentioned form of this is the person that always tries to force their help on people when it's not wanted. If you find people getting annoyed with you a lot and your response is 'I was just trying to help', you might be a bit too controlling. It's well intentioned, but can be pretty destructive. That's my opinion from experience anyway.
I see this a lot!
Amen
If we ask “is this a listening moment or a fixing moment.?” This helps stop the “control” urge. Also saves time!!
@@KTB77777 Love that!
@@KTB77777 Yes👏👏I really had to be mindful as I was an awful unsolicited advice giver😬🙄🫣😹🙊🙉🙈
" The antidote to anxiety is not control , the antidote to anxiety is TRUST " ..... That pretty much nailed it for me . Such a great video . Thank you from my heart .....
Amen!!👏👏
Trust in ourselves that we are at the helm of our own ship & can ride with the storms or the calm seas & find peace either way🛳️☮️🙏🥰👏💫
This video is a good reminder. Keep your mouth closed and your opinions to yourself when you see people behave, perform, act differently than how you would. Unless it’s some immediate safety concern, just let others be who they are.
I think so many of us do these things without realising they are controlling habits. Often comes from a place of trauma and being unhealed from it. The good news is we can heal! We can retrain our brains to think and feel differently. The first step is being aware of our behaviour. Taking accountability for it. Then seeking the reasons why and doing the hard work to heal and adopt healthier behaviours.
I just realized i am controlling and really have to start to let go,thank you Julia
6:35 1.) Do you use guilt to get people to do what you want them to do?
7:46 2.) Do you get jealous or feel threatened if people you're close to (partner/sibling/best friend) want to do things with other people?
9:58 3.) Do you nitpick or overtly criticize people for not doing/seeing things your way?
12:30 4.) Do you punish people for not meeting your expectations, particularly unspoken ones, by withholding your love/words/time?
14:54 5.) Do you try to coerce (ridicule/guilt) people into seeing things your way?
16:56 6.) Do you try to solve people's problems for them and get upset when they don't follow through on your solution?
22:48 7.) Do you project your emotions on to others for their choices? Do you expect other people to make you feel better/fix it?
I watch this video every week. And every time I remember something new about my past behavior.
HI Coach Julia! Senior Sifter here!
BTW - I personally love having these videos come out on Friday now. =)
And yes - If I am understanding you right, I agree with you! Dishes should be rinsed off before loading the dishwasher🤣
Wow - this was a deep one! I think before I could see how I may have acted in some behavior before the Shift Society but I never was the type to actually want to control anybody, but I can see in the subtle ways it could have crept up.
Here are my notes:
7 Subtle Signs You're Too Controlling
What controlling is:
Controlling is an antidote to anxiety.
Control is an illusion.
7 Signs:
1. Using guilt to get what you want.
2. Getting jealous and feeling left out.
3. Overly criticize people for not doing exactly what you want them to do.
4. Get mad at people who don't meet your expectations (And you don't even tell them what those expectations are.)
5. Coerce people into seeing things your way.
6. Try to solve other people's problems for them and get upset and punish them if they don't follow your advice.
7. If you are laying your emotions on to somebody else for their choices.
To those who are reading this, I want to remind you and encourage you if you ever question your worth and value, that you truly are a worthy and valued person. You do matter. ❤
this is great! as someone who has suffered from narcissistic abuse, and domestic violence, etc...I realize that I developed a pattern of control in order to cope. it made sense in toxic relationships (it was stemming from self defense or just having to do everything because they couldn't do the bare minimum, and they never listened to my needs even when I told them clearly).
so in new (healthier) relationships, I find these control issues come up, but I realize that im having a trauma response based on PAST experiences.
my DV relationship drove me crazy because he tried to control every aspect of my life. he isolated me. he accused me of cheating (when I never even thought of other guys), and I remember feeling so sad that he didn't trust me.
yet...I struggle to trust healthy people!
the thing that helps me the most...is remembering how invisible I felt when I was faithful and committed and dedicated, but I was treated like I was the most selfish, cheating, "whorish", person when I was nothing of the sort. his insecurities were the reason why he couldn't feel EVERYTHING I was willing to give him.
although admittedly, staying in domestic violence came from the belief that my love could help them. now thats controlling.
let people show them who they are, step by step, and over time.
Holy cow! I cannot think of something more synchronous to exactly what I’m going through at the moment than your delivery here. Control is absolutely an illusion. Lovely to hear my own bs exposed by another mind than my own particularly guilting. Enjoyed as usual.
I love myself but I don’t always like myself because of some of these things, I’m so fed up with it. So happy I found you.
I struggle with anxiety & depression, and am guilty of being too controlling, much of the time. It is on the verge of destroying the few relationships I have. Your videos are very helpful! Many of the points made in this video resonate with me. Goodness, I need to change and it will be a challenge.
I would totally give you full control of everything! It would definitely not destroy anything!
I really needed to hear this this morning! I do alot of these, taking a good, long, honest look at myself. Thank you 🥰
Me too
Oh my GAWD!!! At first I was petrified, to watch this video (only because I could feel it speaking to me).
You are sooooooo right about being controlling and how it is tied to anxiety. As a chronic suffering person I can honestly testify to your examples of how trying to keep it all together can drive you up a wall! I've only recently, discovered the art of "letting it go...or be". While I am ONLY on day two (lol) I feel happy. Being or feeling happy is something I haven't felt in a decade. Xo
And how do we handle controlling people ? Would be awesome if you can talk about this as well
well this is the perfect online therapy session for me😂I am the controlling one and I don't want to hear my friend and girlfriend talking about hanging out with other people other than me and although I try to control myself I still feel sad and left out and I make sure they feel guilty about this. And also I get very upset and frustrated if a friend came to me talking about her feelings n asking for advice then doesn't follow my advice. One time I got so angry at my friend when she came to me again talking about the same problem, I said something harsh and hurt her feelings a lot. Thank you Julia for making this one, I've always wanted to change but haven't got any ideas on how to do it.
Well, this was an eye-opener for me. I feel like a complete jerk now. A girl I am (was) dating. Told me she needed space. And of course. I didn't take that on well. She blocked all contact with me. When I tried to take control.
The thing that pushed to this break. Was over a simple suggestion I made.
We argued before. After every suggestion. I always thought. Well, she is not taking criticism well. And I guess she was right. I am too controlling.
I wasn't doing it to shape her. But to help her. So she doesn't make the mistakes I do. Not to manipulate her. But after watching this. I guess that's what I was doing.
I wish I can tell her this and apologize. But I'm blocked. So...
This is great for people who have left a cult or high-control group. It's basically all we've seen/been taught.
It's difficult to unlearn as an adult but still possible!
OMG!! I have so much work to do!! I've gotten better but you mentioned some things that I did not connect to controlling.
I have a father who struggle with insecurity and anxiety and is trying to control us and feeling stressed, angry, and overwhelmed while doing so. I also have a mother who is most impacted by this feel generally shame and resentment. As much as I want to take control of things to make it better for them because I feel stressed and anxious when they are unhappy, I remind myself that they are allowed to have and continue with their problems, and I am allowed to set a boundary by not engaging with them when they get into a conflict.
I can relate with the husband who thought his wife and her role in his life was to make her happy. I think it's a pretty common misconception about relationships . I appreciated the content and information on this video, there was an undercurrent of doom or painting being controlling as the worst thing ever. It's not. You can acknowledge it and change, and this video will definitely help.
I'm really controlling, this video was like a very very very grounding
Forcing people to apologize comes across as controlling. Same with guilt and silent treatment
What about asking for forgiveness in a tone that means if you don't then I will be mad at you? And if I don't offer forgiveness then comes either groveling for forgiveness or anger.
I don't ask people to apologize but if they don't then I accept they value me a lot less than what I'll accept in my life. I had a friend betray me and try to end a relationship with my ex. I expected to have a conversation and wouldn't accept sweeping it under the rug, I won't pretend people value me if they don't. She refused to have that conversation, she's no longer a friend. I didn't try to force, I asked a few times when she was trying to pretend it didn't happen. A year later I announced to our group of friends what happened because it's hard to explain why you're no longer at that friends house every other weekend. I needed people to know if they want to see me they'll need to invite me separately into their lives. She became psychotic in her reaction, I told her I wasn't trying to smear her but I needed to explain why things have changed and people should know how she showed up in my life.
Thank you for this video! I'm the (F) child of an abusive alcoholic father. Heft when I was 13. Not surprisingly I have struggled with OCD all my life. Since I've gone through therapy most of my life; I am much better than ever. I say all this just to give you some background. But the reason for my writing this was simply to say thank you for your videos and this one in particular. ❤
Be never before thought to link my tendency to control with having anxiety. This is so true, wow. Great video, very insightful & helpful advice. Thank you(:
Got on the waitlist!!
I have exhausted every self-help book, every video and making very little progress at 51yrs old. After listening to your content for 2 days i feel a shift like never before. I read " the Science of Stuck", which helped me realize things about myself in a different way, specifically the concept of " Emotional regression." so by searching out help in that area, I found your videos on emotional maturity and just Wow!!! Cannot wait to do the work in your shift society!!! thank you so very much!!!
This explains the narc I am married to and need to step back. I see how I am trying to control his contempt towards me and him using his kids against me. I cannot control them. I can only control myself.
This video could literally not have come at a better time. Thank you so much for this. I find that I struggle a lot with anxiety and always feeling like I can help it by controlling my environment and my partner. It's a very difficult thing to let go of, but I fully intend to get there. One day at a time. Thank you Julia! Love your content
I need to work on myself, thank you for this.
So… I had this friend… who would cry on my shoulder about her new boyfriend… she would ask for lots of advice… the guy by all accounts was pretty much a womanizer, narcissistic and unkind to my friend. I advised to be more assertive and not just tell him what she was unhappy about but leave if he wasn’t acting on her pleas. I used a lot of my very little time to listen to her and console her… lots of my time… and when she finally left him (after a year of being her support person) I advised her to look after herself for at least a month before rushing into anything or back to anything… but the separation lasted a week… and she was gaslighting herself to me justifying it. I told her.,. Fine.,. Totally your decision but I really do not have all the time in the world to be the one trying to sort out your relationship problems any more.. go back to him … all good and blessings and all but I am not going to be the one to pick up the pieces for you. She cut me off…
she has a great warm energy about her, so glad i got into the bus drivers seat
Never thought I was that controlling person, thanks for this video, I consider this as a class to me. I learned what is going wrong
People at different life stages offer each other advice without getting each other at all as things are different from when the older generations were younger and the younger generations cannot relate to the older generation's stage of life - it is incomparable - I found this so interesting re you offering your mother suggestions.
"Trust no one." It's a phrase I just got reminded of. There's truth to it but I think it has loopholes. I just found another.
It’s not easy living with a mother who is a perfectionist Julia.
Your example with the dishes is spot on !
I might add wanting to have the last word. I had to laugh a little because I saw so much of myself. It's like trying to pull a tough weed with your hands to change. Thank you for sharing. I just came across your channel.
Ooooh, this one is a raw one but a good one! Thank you for taking this head on! I appreciate you!
When you mentioned Trust that was the first thing I thought -
Trusting Jesus and realising that I thought I did but didn’t fully. And the scripture “Be anxious for nothing…”
Thank you so much for this video. It’s really been an eye opener for me.
This is so true about anxiety and control .
I don't know you tell me. Thanks for the videos ❤
I do with my son and he is 33 yo. It bothers me when people dont love me like i love them or treat me well like i treat them. I have issues but this video is helpibg me change that. I have no right to have any expectations of him now that he is an adult. Thank you Julia.
I would say this is one of the most impactful, random UA-cam videos that popped up in quite a long time for me. Thank you!
I have been listening to you and under your tutelage for a very long time. 1st I wanna say thank you for all the training and all the understanding you have brought to my life. You are one of the top people I listen to and model with my coaching endeavors at The Paradigm Shifts. I also wanna say thank you for just being you; you seem like a really cool chick. Now, all I have to say is wow, wow for me. I listened to this video and everything on the list I do not do which means I am not only learning but actually putting in the work to heal and evolve. A lot if not all the stuff on the list I used to do but I don't do it anymore. Thank you for being my teacher on my journey I appreciate you and all that you do. Stay up and Stay blessed. Peace and love Kaila New York!
I'm new thank you for posting this video 💫
I don’t what I should do but I’m new to your channel so I’m listening
Just discovered you, been binge watching your videos. Very helpful thank you. Edmonton AB Canada
omg im gonna cry as tbis is so relateable and hits home omg
Thanks so much for the awesome video Julia. Lots of great information for navigating life in relationships. I’ve been somewhat of a loner for the last twenty plus years. If I ever would decide to try another relationship there is lots of good advice. All the best of everything to you and your family. 🙏 stay safe out there.
Thank you ms julia, i was a bit jealous but niw i feel better ❤🇵🇭
I can relate to this with my old self. I realize that I was too controlling of the situation - there was one time that I was volunteering to help a friend solve their problems but then get anxious when my solution wasn't chosen. I'm no longer doing this and letting them handle things on their own and just listen to them. Everything you said was on spot and I'm quite surprised myself that this is one way of escaping or dealing with anxiety. Because I couldn't control what other people what say or do, I end up being controlling of my situation when the only thing I can control is my reaction to people's actions.
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Ouch.... good advice never gets old...
Thank you!
Wow this came at a good time. Having issues with my mum and this video realised that this is her to me.
These kinds of tutorials are really making it easier and easier to spot certain types I couldn't before. Recently, I ran into a Christian lady. I'm not gonna says she's good or bad. Everyone has their faults and their own walk in life. She started with gift giving. Then moved into warning me about my beverage choices. At first I thought she was just being nice until she kept bringing it up and sending me all this information. *rolling eyes*. She was getting angry. One of my major red flags is when you tell someone 'no' for something simple and if they start losing it you probably have a big problem.
As expected, before I know it she's telling me when I should sleep, how I should live every facet of my life and even when I have permission to die. I'm sick. Made me sad, but I had to let her go. I don't have the time or energy anymore. This knowledge has given me the necessary bridge that I needed so badly to live and die in peace. Keep up the good work.
You have a very calm and based way of putting a very simple point across . Dont be an arse hole. Dont treat others like arse holes. 🤟
I need a video about forgetting the past.
Isn’t that part of control in a way
@@dylannicks1146 you're right! 😁
why do you want to forget about the past? i think thats what we should be asking instead.
and maybe we can grow stronger little by little, and eventually outgrow what our past was...
or, at least, try to. little by little. it would help if we knew the why though.
and even that is a process of discovery and impermanence.
... i think we often live in fear of our past. it claims us. it chains us. we learn to let it be a part of us. and we might be acting out or trying to run away from the past... in a roundabout effort to lay claim on it back.
but it is a reaction... that doesnt seem to be satisfied so easily.
sorry. this is long. and ranty.
@@uglystupidloser I want to forget the past because it hurts. It's painful. The memories keep coming back, and they make me feel bad and weak.
@@Neo-Reloaded that's because you identify what you experience with what you are. The real self is not a fixed idea, it's fluid consciousness. Social conditioning and the development of the ego teaches us to assign things to ourselves to create the idea of a "ego self", a fixed idea of self, when there really is no such thing. It starts out early in life by getting a name, now every time you do something "wrong" people can assign values to you, "Neo did this, Neo is this". Over time you do the same to yourself, you collect experiences and things that you did and make this your value, as if these things you did are fixed things and not just fluid states that disappear once they happen.Technically, you did them yes, but aside from conditioning and the ego, there is no reason why this should stay with you, or rather, stay assigned to you. You can keep the memories of what happened, but do not identify with them. A tree wouldn't care that it "once blew a little weirdly" and keep that with it, it just goes with all the changing states of existing, which are reborn every moment. Humans are no different, being part of nature, it is just that we learned to identify our ever-changing fluid consciousness with the idea of a fixed "self", with a name and values. This might seem naive because yes civilized living and the ego makes it almost impossible to avoid this, but do not mistake that fact for this being anything else than a shared deception. There is no "you", not in that sense anyway, you are as fluid and ever-changing as every moment, any state, and anything else in nature. We've just learned to "fix" onto things, ironically trying to control things by fixing them in place, defining them. But anything that stops dies, what lives grows always. For that reason the older we get, the more we experiences we connect with ourselves and identify with, the more baggage we carry on ourselves, the more fixed we become, and the less we are able to renew. All these things we associate with ourselves, where are they? surely if they are real they must be found somewhere. You could say that you are a kind person for example, but if you are at any moment capable from being kind, unkind, and anything in between, where does this fixed idea of "kind" exist, that you claim to be "who you are"? Isn't this merely a set of relative, fluid states? like angry, sad, and so on. How then can a person BE angry? You experience the emotional state of angry sure, but how can this be you? It passes at some point. Yet you would describe yourself this way if you have a tendency to experience the emotional state of anger. The issue here is not the anger, but assigning the experience of the anger to some fixed idea of "you". In actuality nothing clings to us, and when any state or experience passes it leaves us clear, and it will pass unless your ego clings onto it, making us essentially renewed or reborn at any moment.
❤ thank you for sharing and opening up about your experiences ❤
I don’t know that I’m controlling but I am very codependent. I think my mom or family members were plus narcissism and emotional immaturity
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This was super informative. Thanks so much❤❤
Always great! THANKS!
Thank you for sharing 😇😇🙏🙏🙏😇🙏
I am hyper controlling of even the past and like just concepts. In other people. I also control people all the time, in ways that others probably wouldn't be able to see at first, unless they know what I am talking about. Or they have good self-awareness. Then they would be able to see some of these things. But likely not to the degree of control and depth I have.... It is very autonomous in many ways as well... Like my hearts beat.
Thank you for this!
Oh snap.. I just got out of relationship and I behave like this badly.. thank you for this video.. I guess therapy will be the next step..
You just described my grandfather. And my father. And me.
And what can we do to get better? Is hurting us too as much as the loved ones, who take the most of the bad end of the energy and control
I saved this video to watch when I need reminders 😉
Just very very helpful........
james liked the video id like to no more. going to keep watching
My mother was very much like this. Lord rest her soul. She passed away from cancer almost 4 years ago. I don't want to be like that. As I have witnessed it causes people not to want to be around you.
just thank you for your content
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We love you
omg I love you Julia. I wish you csn brcome my therapist
I try to control people, and my environment; in an effort to manage my anxiety. It does not work. I feel exhausted, resentful, and unappreciated.
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Good luck to you great pidcast
Thank you I'm a natural beta to alpha women
I find that people attack me when they don't agree with me. I deal a lot with the public and when they don't like my video they attack me in the comments. So I ask you, which one of us is controlling?
This video hit home to me 💯 %
People that think you have to make them happy, get their needs met/fix their problems are the worst (widouth your consent).
My closed friend is exactly controlling me as one of the signs you are describing. She has been getting angry with me when I have opinions which don't have any impact on her and I have never imposed my opinions on her. Now I am hestitated to express my views, thinking and perspectives to her . I'm feeling quite tired with her and I don't feel like replying to her text message anymore because she might get upset again. If she will blow up again, I am done.
Same
@@Mistymegaccinomoments
I have been keeping my distance from this friend and it is the best step I have taken.
The summary is great, but I think those who need to hear it aren’t the one’s watching. How instead do you communicate these concepts to loved ones who are too controlling?
Somewhat true. A very toxic person might not watch this. But someone who might have some trauma, insecurity , anxiety etc. like me....are learning something here!
Whew😹I was a massive Dishwasher Nazi😖🙈🙉🙊
I’m really LOLing because ALL of this was me until I went through trauma informed therapy & personal growth work & learned to FORGIVE myself for being asleep
💪💫👏✌️🙏🥰
Your work is a total gift to the world💝🙏
I’m controlling! I need to let go and start making changes
I did all of these things
GOLD content 👏👏👏
1.use Guilt to get people what you want to do.
2. Jealousy
3.Overly criticize
4.Punish people if you don't meet the expectation
5.Forcing other people to hsve the same opinion as yours.
6.solve other problems and be upset if they didn't follow you.
7,. need to do if someone complaines, ask them if theubneed solution or they just wamt to complain? You have the right to step back if you don't like the negative situations that someone express
Yes I do use guilt I didn’t know it until now
How do i join the shift society? I need help.
Is it bad that after someone has loaded the dishwasher and I go to put something in it, I rearrange it how I like it? Same for rearranging the cupboards? 😅
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Yes! Jesus Christ can take the wheel and can be trusted 🙏🏻✝️
When she mentioned Trust that was the first thing I thought -
Trusting Jesus and realising that I thought I did but didn’t fully. And the scripture “Be anxious for nothing…”
How can I join the shift society?
I am in Al-Anon. I am a Recovering Control Addict. 😊
Woman is in fact sacred. Jesus was specific. Brighten up and put a smile on your face. Psychology is useful to people. Love your content. :)
I developed a condition of rule towards other people problems: "Never tell your problems to me which you don't wanna and aren't ready solve out!"
Who disrespect this get kicked out of my life because my life And psyche isn't rental storage for others frustrations.
There are clean people and there are nasty people in the world. I believe our focus should be on doing God's will and not our own. Otherwise we will have chaos. I also believe that God is with me, therefore I can remain sane in my focus on him. People are just temporary, our Heavenly Father is eternal!
It is possible to love people with out being their fool!
How do you (any of us) know what God's will is? Is that not us putting a human attribute (Will) upon something that is beyond manifestation, comprehension? It's a Rhetorical question. No need to respond.
@@s.mendez7160. God is healthy (true love) so it is good to learn from Him.
If a person complains and isn't seeking a solution, ask them to pipe it. That is a bad use of time,
@juliakristian Hello how can I get a one one session with you?
And the United States a lot of people suffer from these issues.When an environment is ruled by selfishness, and consideration, lack of morals, mix with a whole lot of self entitlement✍🏽Most don’t know these things are unhealthy.When there are so many people doing negative things around them it becomes the norm.When this type of behavior is condoned in the United States a lot of people from the United States suffer from these issues by default👈🏽How can people know that most things are wrong when there’s so much wrong spread out in chaos ALL around them🎯We are a nation that breeds thinking that we are better than everyone else.And when we have a nation that thinks like this it trickles down in our families in ourselves in our homes because it is our norm.This is why we have so much crime than any other country.We are a falling nation with falling WAYS.Everyone stay blessed proud of being you and try to do the right things in life and everything should work out fine👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽Because in reality no one is perfect.The most hardest thing to change is learned behaviors📚📖
Look how the United States Govt. treated the American Indians. Talk about Controlling. American has a deep history of needing to be in control, the leader, etc.
If I don't do things the way she wants then it's my fault not her fault I should pay better attention. It's her way or no way that's how it should be I believe that strongly for many years
I am unable to stay out of trouble because I'm solitary, okay? i.e. I'm not advised by a "spiritual spouse." :))