I did this recently. I have a few mental health diagnoses and was at a specialist appointment. I was doing everything in my power to not have a panic attack but couldn't find the words to say anxiety, so I said I was in pain. I'm in my 40's and a lifetime of stigma has taught me to never speak about my mental health issues outside of the therapist and psychiatric offices. Had I been asked I could have responded but I couldn't say the word. It's a tough place to be in.
@@alikatt Exactly- a lifetime of "training" how to NOT communicate; it's difficult to overcome! I hope your therapy helps as much as mine has. I'm certainly not over it, but having someone to talk through and validate my experiences has been a godsend!
Same. I was emotionally neglected and couldn’t name my feelings emotions to even express it. I knew something wasn’t right with my family, and that I didn’t feel physically safe and got scared a lot by family, but I didn’t know how to voice that to others. It wasn’t just a self-protection measure. It was a lack of equipping in emotional and social skills to be able to communicate what I needed and wanted (and major head trauma as a kid didn’t help either).
Yes, I agree with you completely. It may be lying for some but the issue is being able to fully express oneself, and also not to have the context twisted so that your words or expression is made to appear as something else, so some people give up on expression altogether.
@@Elya08 I was fortunate not to have this happen to me until later in the teen years with an additional family member entering in. It was hard for me to grasp what was happening but basically one cannot be authentic, one isn’t allowed or accepted.
We’ve been in survival mode for far too long; fight, flight, fawn are three of the main core protective concepts that our brain has adapted to throughout the years; all in all to protect me, if I were to feel ALL of that pain…when you grow up with an avoidant attachment style, you don’t trust others with your vulnerability or softness- as we always end up hurt. We are who they want us to be, to avoid getting hurt.
24:51 had me BAWLING. I have self sabotaged my entire adult life. Not only do I think I’m not worthy, I am constantly berating myself for hurting others in my pursuit of unhappiness. My God, I have no clue how to stop and be the authentic me, whoever that is.
me too girl. I was CRYING. my step-dad terrorized my childhood to the point the rest of my life has been negatively affected. This lady knows me. I never knew I had CPTSD until 2 years ago. At 58!! 😢
I think you can definitely work with it. The responses you have might never go away but having recognition and willingness to work on those issues with COMPASSION for yourself can really do a lot. I have these responses but I've learnt to almost immediately after conflict, or sometimes in a conversation following conflict say to my partner "actually, I feel like my need deserve to be met in this way" or "respectfully. I disagree". And being honast about my partner and people with how I communicate - because the responses we have are very normal, they come from parts of us that want to protect us so instead of belittling them or blaming them we can have compassion for them (and us) and kind of start working with them. It definitely gets easier and i think the more you do it the easier it is to recognise.
And let’s not forget how we observed the *adults and institutions* around us as kids CONSTANTLY LYING ABOUT EVERYTHING. I was a super smart kid and I KNEW they were lying, so I thought that was the thing to do- au contraire, lying was THEIR right but NOT mine, so then I learned all about the deep and unrelenting *hypocrisy* of the culture around me. Now I have concentric circles of intimacy between those I can actually, TRULY trust- and the degrees of everyone else. Lying kept me alive.
Exactly. But if you're like me, I can size up people fast and literally can know I'm not safe with this new friend, or boss, etc and he/she is shady or out right nasty or narcissist! I had to figure that stuff out early in my family.
The 10 lies: 1) you are having a fawn response 2) you start lying from very young to become socially included 3) you have a self-story of yourself that is not actually true (it was crafted to adapt to parent environment for example) 4) you might have learned to lie to avoid loss (of caregivers) ---end of childhood--- 5) lying to secure resources/safety 6) you lie due to toxic shame 7) you find yourself in weirder scenarios (due to past trauma) where it becomes easier to just tell overt lies 8) you tell an overt lie after experiencing a trigger (that gives you emotional flashback) to give a simple explanation to your change of behaviour to others but you might not even be aware of the trauma behind that trigger-response-lie 9) you lie because you dont want to have to caretake the other person's feelings if you were to tell them the truth 10) you might lie because it feels nice to feel normal sometimes around others
I recognized that I was in full fawn response in a phone call recently. I was so anxious I was agreeing to and suggesting things I did not want and couldn’t stop myself.
SAME. And it can be dangerous especially in sexual situations. One time i agreed to do something with a guy, but i was on autopilot and inside i was screaming NO. It hurts because you can't face the guy because he will tell you that you agreed. :/ So people like us can be really misunderstood.
@@nad3506 I’m sorry you are facing those kinds of situations. Mine is trying to break free from a trauma bonded marriage. He can be very manipulative and prey on my empathies to get me back under his control.
@@lorabyrnside I'm so so sorry to hear that, i hope one day you will be able to heal and do what's best for you. Never forget how worthy you are 🖤 i send you lots of love and hugs sis!! Wish you the best!!
I've been in fawn mode before too. Draw boundaries and treat yourself the same way you would treat another person you are being kind to. Maybe you could have said, "To be honest, I am a little tapped out of ideas. However, I have thought of a couple things I would really like to do... ". Then tell them why you are passionate about your ideas, and make clear you can ONLY have the time to work on those things you have been thinking of. Isn't that what you really want? Unless you are at work and it is expected of you, you don't have to be a slave to pleasing others. You can put your own desires first. Realize that after you agree and suggest things, they will walk away glad you saved them from the extra work of finding someone else or doing it, or they will do it on their own. Put your energy into what you really want if you can. If it is that kind of situation. Sometimes you have to go along for certain reasons. But not always. Be kind to yourself. Value your own efforts.
My personal recap: 📌 Because you are fawning (Agreing to things in the moment and realizing later you were just trying to please the other one) 📌 To socially blend in 📌 Because you don't really know what is true about you story (this happens to childs who were scapegoated. This gives a conflicted image of who you are. Desoriented sense of self) 📌 To avoid lost 📌 To keep someone else's secrets 📌 To secure resources (because you have to hide your history of unstable jobs, bad credit, unstable relationships, health issues, bad references) 📌 Because you think you're toxic to the core. (Goes with self-gaslighting. Whatever bad happened to you is because you are a bad person or you are overdrammatic) 📌 To avoid to see people feeling inconfortable hearing your story and unable to give you advises. 📌 To explain to people a reaction we had that din't fit the situation (Sometime, we don't even know this is trauma or emotional flashback) 📌 Because you don't want to put your problems on other people. "I have to make other people feel better about the fact that I have a problem" (stress, anxiety, depression, physical pain, etc.) 📌 Because it feels nice to feel normal (often in situations you feel you don't belong) ***English is not my first language, so you might see some basic grammar mistakes! 😅 Thank you so much Heidi!
This video made me start crying because of how called out I felt. I like thinking of myself as an honest person and I tell myself that I only I tell lies because of self preservation. I'm always ashamed. I've always thought I was inherently bad and wrong. I didn't know this was all a c-ptsd thing. I'm not just wrong and I'm not alone. Thank you.
Me as well! I started crying when she was talking about not feeling worthy to ask for help (as I am in the middle of currently battling myself to find a therapist). I knew I would outright lie to my mom to avoid confrontation and her disappointment. But I have been lying so much more than I even thought. Lying just to feel normal and like everyone else, especially when I was little and I could pretend that my parents didn't have screaming matches almost every day until their divorce when I was 11. Ooooooffffff
@@jillogicaljelly3627i have been here a few years and this year i finally made the call that got me a psychologist to actually diagnose me and help me get out of the "loop" that cptsd creates with dissociation, feeling worthless and unlovable and suicide. It has really worked for me which I am happy about. I hope, they can do the same for you. Its gonna be really though, but the thoughest things to start, are almost always the best for you
I think as a child, we simply don't know that we are being neglected or abused, because this is all we know and we have absolutely no comparison of how other "healthy" children grow up. So when a teacher asks us "if everything is okay at home", of course we say yes, because to us it is normal. It is only much later, often only in adult life, that we realize that we grew up in a dysfunctional home.
Don't forget, even if we knew it wasn't, we didn't feel like telling them because you were always worried that nothing would happen and now you're just the weird kid. Plus, it's very hard to talk about stuff when you're not ready to.
I kind of knew, but my mom would threaten me with foster care every time I triggered her. She would always point out that I’d get raped in foster care and since my family is Middle Eastern, they pretty much meant my life would be over
Absolutely agree with OP. What is normal is what we know as kids, only when we see other 'normals' can we compare that to our baseline. That's when the cracks appear.
"Loyal to a fault". It seems loyalty means that we are supposed to allow someone to trample us while we agreeably tolerate it. In my experience at least. Once I speak up for my self I get the old disloyalty (or betrayal or whatever you want to call it) treatment.
I feel that the true difficulties are that people need to be more patient with each other and open minded while being empathetic and compassion. The challenge is to learn and acknowledge your emotions and learning to control those. That goes for everyone so you can build trust and mutual respect. Active listening is key here, which is challenging when you are triggered
Its called, manipulation. Its manipulation when someone questions your loyalty for calling them out on their unacceptable behaviour. It takes the focus away from them and you will automatically try to defend yourself trying to prove that you are in fact loyal and give up... thus, the purpose of the acusation being successful. Dont be disloyal to yourself when you know you accept mistreatment from someone you know is abusing your good nature. .
@@gretchenburton7184 I have to say, there is no such thing as "your" truth or "my" truth. There is THE truth. Any thing else is only subjective perception. So your view or your perspective would be more accurate to say. That aside, I know what you are saying. I have that happening in my life as we speak. So I simply have gone silent. The tides are turning toward a wonderful change as I slowly get my life together.
"Doesn't mean you have to do anything about it, it's just information." Wow! This was the most liberating thing for me to hear. Thank you for sharing these insights in a really blameless way.
Lying to prevent abuse: a slap or an angry verbal outburst from a parent or violent spouse. That type of lying often ends once there is recovery from complex trauma. The most dangerous lie is the denial that abuse is happening. Please be safe. I went no contact with narcissistic, abusive family members and feel great peace, safety and freedom. I wish the same healing for you.
This is exactly what happened to me when I was a kid. I often lied to avoid the mistreatment you described. My father was an alcoholic, and he often had to temporarily stop drinking or reduce his drinking so he could go into work without being reprimanded or sent home for being impaired. Working rotating shifts didn't help matters any. Naturally, these brief periods of reduced alcohol intake put him into a state of withdrawal, which made him super-irritable, with a hair-trigger, severe temper over the smallest of things. He was often physically abusive when he was in this state.
I relate to the fawning symptom. And sometimes it takes me longer to process how I feel than the amount of time I have to respond, which makes it really hard to be honest in the face of conflict. You get so used to taking abuse that the fawning kicks in on autopilot and you don’t realize you should actually be angry or stand up for yourself until a day later. The irony is that telling someone the truth often causes more conflict, even when you go out of your way to say it diplomatically and fairly. A lot of people don’t actually want your honesty-which means someone who fawns needs two things to tell the truth: speedier processing and the ability to stay untriggered in the face of people who rage at hearing your honesty.
@rixatrix - Thank you, your comment articulates what I experience - "takes me longer to process how I feel than the amount of time I have to respond,...you don’t realize you should actually be angry or stand up for yourself until a day later."
I started saying I needed some time to respond. Not always taken in kind but I realized in most cases they really can't do anything to force a response out of me. And if they don't like it I don't owe them an explanation or a quicker response in most cases. Yes at work sometimes I had to respond quicker than I could process it. Especially at my work which is a bit chaotic but you know sometimes you take some L's and that's okay. The beautiful thing is however is that I've been doing this for a few months now and my processing is getting way faster by the month maybe week even. I'm way more confident as well.
RixaTRix, Oh how I concur with everything that you have said. I am dealing with a very bad time of year for past and current trauma. It is so difficult to lie to others and to yourself in order to "make peace," or to have and receive the help that you use because you happen to be in a vulnerable position in my life, due to my age and loss of vision and moblity.
I’m a psychologist. I really appreciate hearing your story. Despite working with people with trauma, I had not put together the connection with chronic lying.
This comment is a baffling display of defiant negligence. Not only is it unbelievable that a person could acquire the academic credentials to that of a psychologist and even pass their mentorship process in order to receive their license without having so much as the basic insight to understand that chronic lying is a common manifestation of post-traumatic stress or personality/characterological disorders. Regular people may not be aware of this but for a psychologist it amounts to medical negligence. It's also a stunning display of unreflectiveness and subsequent shameless self-congratulation.
@emil5884 woah relax. They said they didn't put together the connection. This could easily mean that they knew it was a symptom, but never untangled how cptsd can lead to certain manifestations of chronic lying. You can know that A leads to B and be compassionate about B with the knowledge that it is caused by A, all without fully understanding the mechanism through which A causes B. Eg: they may know that cptsd causes chronic lying, and can be understanding and compassionate of the fact that this is a common cptsd symptom, without understanding that perhaps it is caused by a need to feel normal for one patient, or that it is a result of self-gaslighting in another patient, and that both instances are caused by their individual childhood traumas. There is no need to use such harsh language when rhe original comment was vague enough for there to be room for doubt. There is also no need to make kneejerk accusations about a stranger whose efficacy at their profession is not known personally to us. Maybe 100% of their clients express high satisfaction with their therapeutic methods. Theres no need for name calling strangers whose situations we truly do not know, especially when they go out of their way to improve and seek out new information to broaden their horizons. For all you know, this person could be 1 year into their job as a psychologist, and actively seeking online material to better understand their clients and patients. And you saw that and immediately tore them down and called them names for putting in effort. What good does that do?
@@3nrikaalso quote directly where this person engaged in shameless self-congratulatory behaviour. They were grateful for knowledge that somehow their own education system and supervisors failed to teach them and not once said anything egotistical. You are projecting your anger at mental healthcare professionals on an incredibly neutral comment where someone was thankful to have learnt something new to improve their ability to be supportive to their patients and clients. and you got angry at that.
Chronic lying isn’t an issue with everyone who has CPTSD. I do have CPTSD. This is seeming like a video on one of the 60 Characteristics of CPTSD. I have listened to Tim Fletcher more than this woman. Tim Fletcher is who I’m going to listen too. He has over 300 videos on Complex Trauma. CPTSD.
This video is so healing as an autistic CPTSD sufferer. Growing up different in that way you get told everything about you isnt normal, the way you move the way you speak the way you think the way you interact with everything. So you lie to others and yourself about all of those things. The lies run so deep into every part of who you are. And then the guilt of that lie is so much to bear. Thank you for this video it’s helping me learn to untangle the lies.
Oh my God it's not just me. I was recently late-diagnosed with autism and ADHD at 33 yo and I've had severe anxiety my whole life. I had a mentally abusive step-mother that labeled me as a "problem child". She would call me a liar or tell me I was overacting when I'd complain about my sensory issues or being bullied as a kid instead of getting me help. She would tell me that I was "doing it for attention" or to "get out of trouble". Do that to a person long enough and they eventually start to believe it and act accordingly. It makes sense now why I'd lie about seemingly insignificant things all the time in my teenage years. I still struggle with it today. Being abused like this thoroughly distorts a person's sense of self and destroys ones self confidence.
I had a very similar set of feelings growing up as a closeted trans girl. Based off of everything I was told to not do and not be, it seemed like lying/masking was a mandatory part of being accepted in this world. Then when you learn that most people just get to move through the world earnestly, the lies become another brick in the wall separating you from everyone else. I'd like to think that we're on on way to creating a world that's more compassionate, educated, and patient-- maybe I'm an optimist. In any case I hope you find peace, friend❤
Hey also me!! 😂 I've found a lot of fellow autistic people in these comment sections. It seems to resonate well with us. I think it's how well she is able to explain it. This is the kind of therapists/support workers we need. Ones who break it down and go through it with us. We grew up totally misunderstood, isolated, likely assaulted and bullied, and abused. Plus the added benefit of having Autism that you don't know you have. We needed/need to have things layed out directly. Then I notice that most of us pick up the skills very quickly. So much of my trauma is now vastly healed bc I've had a community, support, and understanding. In the last year I've changed into an entirely different person. All bc I was given a chance to understand.
In addition to this , it makes total sense to get rid of abusive family members that you know will never change,and don't want to. They enjoy having a scapegoat around to make them feel better about life,to balance out that toxic family. Show them the door,and give them the 👢 boot !
I am 60, a survivor of child abuse, a recovering addict (17 years sober) and someone who lied all the time because of toxic shame. Rough edges still remain so my healing journey continues. This video was awesome, there is so much to relate to. For those who are starting their journey or in the heat of healing I want to share that there is light in truth. Persevere. It is worth it.
Thank you so much-- I really really needed to hear this. I think it's awesome that you've been able to stay sober for so long, and I hope that you're proud of yourself for all the progress you've made❤ I hope that someday I can claim that 17 year milestone myself
Thank you for speaking up. I am 63, 10 months sober and trying very hard to get to the core of my shame, reparent my inner children and really truly heal. Its never too late to start working on this.
I am you! Wife of 20 years left me because she felt she could not depend on me to tell the truth all the time, or that I could give her a 100% guarantee that I would never again relapse, even though I tried to explain to her that I suffered from early childhood trauma and excruciating toxic shame etc. She did not want to hear or understand where I was coming from. So she left me, putting salt and acid in my abandonment wound and toxic shame wounds.. Since then, I have done a lot of work to understand the whole scenario and these videos, in addition to therapy, have been of immense help. Thanks!
I’ve always thought I’m a really honest person and terrible at lying but I definitely relate to this…I tend to be really good at leaving out information or twisting my story slightly to sound normal or acceptable. But I’ve realised from watching your videos that this just leaves me with more shame. I feel fake and awful and I’m actually self-sabotaging by not being my authentic self 😩
I concur with you, I have always been known are being badly honest, I know that some in my family DON'T want me around because I am open and honest and I don't want to keep up the lying. Then, I withdraw and am afraid. I know that they tell others not to tell me anything which hurts me SO MUCH when I have always kept SO MUCH submerged even hiding from them from myself, to keep being the happy smiling, bubbly person that IS a BIG PART me, to get along, to not be looked down on, all.of.the.things.
Right in my mind I’m just protecting everyone else from the drama and negativity. I don’t lie, but I won’t tell you that I lost my career because my narcissist father stole my money through a joint account and left me stranded as a painful condition was setting in leaving me without money or insurance for treatment leading to several years of depression alcoholism and homelessness as I painstakingly chased opportunities and climbed back up the ladder to get back to where I was (since I last saw you).
"I’m actually self-sabotaging by not being my authentic self" I don't think of it that way. Not everyone is a safe person that needs to know your real story. I made the mistake of being my authentic self by being honest and got shamed and made fun of because of it. Never again unless it is a select person.
in tears because i didn't realize the extent of what i have been living life like until now. this is such an eye opening video especially to people like me who don't have a support system and this video is the only one where i feel valid and actually seen and heard. I havent been able to say these things out loud let alone told anyone else any of this. im so glad you were able to put my emotions and experiences into words i feel likes im going to watch this video every day to remind myself that there another way. thank you so much heidi. ive been non stop watchin your videos and just enrolled in your course. i usually dont talk alot online but this one stopped me dead in my tracks. that you so much for allowing me to be here as myself.
Same here. There is a way out. You just need to keep climbing and don't look down. Also check out the hour and some long webinar about Pete Walkers book Called From Surviving to Thriving. Very helpful information and at the same time calming as it gives us a sense of clarity, or possibly an answer. No matter what, you need to start loving yourself and never stop. Let go of anything holding you back and don't forget, you can accomplish anything if you put your mind to it.
This is probably the most relatable video I’ve ever seen on c-PTSD. Thank you for sharing so honestly. My brain is amazed every time I find ppl who understand because they’ve lived it, too.
OHhhhh, Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (sometimes called complex PTSD or c-PTSD), is an anxiety condition that involves many of the same symptoms of PTSD along with other symptoms.
to anyone that has survived SA please do not beat yourself up over not being able to conjure anger and fawning in the moments you are threatened. i have been SA'd three times and while ive gotten better at disengaging and critical thinking I still fawn in threatening situations. its our bodies trying to help us. The last thing we need after this is to blame ourselves for things we couldve done better.
Thank you so much. This feels so compassionate and healing. I've never heard the hellscape of CPTSD so well explained. I hate lying and feel guilty about it, so I tend to freeze and procrastinate when at a loss for what to do/how to be honest in a way that people will understand, but then I know I'll be judged for my lengthy absence/inaction and end up making up a lie about THAT anyway to not seem lazy and uncaring after having inexplicably gone incommunicado. It's so disheartening sometimes 😭🤯☹️
The chronic pain piece is really important. Being shamed as a kid for being inconveniently in pain from migraines was a core experience for me. I still struggle to inform employers and friends about my migraines.
I get it. My mom described me as having a "low threshold for pain." So all my life I've feared that I was just being weak for wanting pain management. I got better about seeking help, but I assumed that others feel the way my mom did.
@@karenoldham8259 what many people don't understand is that an individual's pain threshold is purely a physiological factor, and nothing to do with emotions or "being weak". This has been scientifically proven. ❤️ It makes it really hard for people who genuinely do have a lower pain threshold because society demands that we be strong. 🤦🏻♀️ I am fortunate to have a relatively high pain threshold, but I was a nurse for many years and I have seen the broad spectrum of people's experiences in my work. I currently work as both a counsellor, and a part time early childhood educator, and I can observe these differences in my clients and my children as well. Hugs to you and I hope you continue to heal and become emotionally stronger. ❤️
I have Crohn’s. I started showing symptoms at 5, shortly after having scarlet fever. I didn’t get diagnosed formally until almost 30 because so many doctors gaslit my mom into thinking I was faking it… because ‘little girls lie and exaggerate to get what they want.’ I was in and out of the hospital and kept feeling like nobody believed me and was more mad when I was sick than concerned. Nobody said that out loud but I could tell. So I just learned to hide it. Eventually I believed I was faking it.
As a shamebound person with CPTSD who has been dissociating pretty much her whole life, these videos speak to my soul in a way that I didn't think was possible until finding Pete Walker's CPTSD book. Thank you so much for overcoming hell in order to be able to help me do the same, your content makes life seem possible.
Kind of disassociating right now because you just explained me in ways that I didn't even realize about myself and it's emotionally overwhelming to me. I'm 43 and only learned what CPTSD was earlier this year. I eliminated a large portion of my lying in my twenties because it all caught up with me. Naturally I assumed that I was just a terrible person and that lying was just another sign of what a terrible person I am. I still cannot bring myself to say out loud that I am a good person, it's too deeply ingrained into me that I'm nothing but a reject of a human being. But I'll get there one day. Especially with the help of videos like yours. Thank you, liked and subscribed.
I can relate to that a lot. Being a good person, being loveable and especially the message "You are loved, no matter what" can make me burst into tears instantly. Can't even write this without starting to cry.
And I am 59 searching for why I cannot experience joy like others, and I why I keep making same mistakes and discovering how my childhood trauma still affects me today is AMAZING
hey there, coming to your comment a month later, but I feel you so strongly on this. Its extremely hard to accept love and say it over myself and to myself. Its alien. also about the lying. I was a chronic liar as a kid and even into my 20s. All of it caught up to me and I stopped for the most part.
I am 50 years old and have been through a ton of healing. Yet, it has been rare to hear voices like yours that are understanding of the trauma that I have endured as a child (and adult). Years of hearing that I was not normal for not being able to do what other could and how they did them... I cannot tell you how relieving to hear, even just one voice that says: It is okay, there is nothing wrong with you. It is okay to do life your way. You are worthy of love. I have told and do tell myself these things. Often. But to hear it from someone else... it is like a salve for my wounds.
At 47, I only recently joined the dots and came to the realisation that I must have been so afraid of my father's unpredictable temper, that I have fawned my way through most of my life. People think I'm this smiley, agreeable, mild person, but I'm not. He gave me the impression that I was difficult, and I believed it, and I think it made me imagine that great danger lay in authenticity, when someone who loved me could be provoked to out of control levels of rage over almost nothing. I've been a prisoner of this behaviour, and it's made me so sad not to be known. By the way you are soooo on the money with your observation about automatic covering-up (lying). I notice that even when I'm ill, I'm more likely to say that my car's broken down as to why I can't be somewhere. It's a feeling that I won't be excused.
My dad also had an unpredictable temper. I was always on eggshells and super jumpy. When I would startle, he'd yell at me more. I had undiagnosed ADHD which made things worse. I often heard my dad say, " What are you? Stupid?"
I also played the happy-go-lucky role, too, but recognized that under that very thin veneer was explosive rage that could pop out at any time. I would "go from zero to a hundred" in a millisecond. I have far less rage now. I get angry, I can be bitter. I fight depression and am still in a grieving state which feels like it will never end. But I don't feel on the verge of exploding all the time. Why? Because I stopped blaming myself. I forgave myself. I have absolved myself. I was a child. Even as a teen, I was a child, dependent on the people who both kept me alive, fed and clothed who also made me fear them suddenly removing me from the planet. The dichotomy was too much for my young mind to handle, which IMO is one major reason why I developed so many memory issues. How can someone say "I love you" while literally torturing you? Must've been a dream.
Yesterday, for the first time in my 36 years of living on this planet, I went to see a Clinical Psychologist because the pain in my mind and body are unbearable. I finally gave up and asked for help, the psychologist told me I've been suffering from PTSD and the roots go back as old as my childhood (I chose not to mention the "events of trauma" here). Next week I'm going to have some screenings, Psychopathy test and whatnot to determine the severity of my PTSD and to provide ways to get me to mental recovery. I just found out that asking for help is not a weakness, asking for help is also you being strong and brave. I love you all..
Congrats for asking for help! Really proud of of you. Sometimes we need to hit rock bottom to start looking for the way out, and for the light at the end of the tunnel.
@@ezlow1065 ketamine is an anesthetic that has psychedelic qualities. It has been used for decades in the ER and in combat hospitals. It has been shown to encourage neuroplasticity in a way that greatly reduces ptsd symptoms. The gold standard is 6 IV or intramuscular injections within 2-3 weeks with a couple days between treatments. It’s a very strange experience. They up the dosage each treatment to the point where you leave your body. I experienced forgiveness and could feel loved for the the first time in decades. The effects can be permanent or long term. I have had to return for “booster” treatments twice. And they have set me straight both times. I encourage you to do as much digging on the subject as possible. I know other traumatized people who are so much better now. The 6 treatments ran me about $2300.
The way you framed the fawn response/people pleasing is SO helpful! I struggled with those terms because they're often described as denying what we want in the moment, but for me it was always more like you described- in the moment I internally "want" what the other person wants or whatever will make them feel satisfied. And sometimes in the moment I CAN'T even pinpoint what I want. I'll know I have a preference but won't be able to access it in my brain.
Perfectly chosen EVERY WORD!! I finally realized at age 55 that I had learned from infancy that love meant loyalty to the lies and secrets of caregivers. The day I realized it was the day I finally broke free from that compulsive loyalty to all kinds of other people. I saw that I had a free will as an adult and did not want to be loyal on that level. Rather than blaming others I finally saw that my loyalty was my own choice.
I've come to realize the things I'm most ashamed of are due to me not being able to open and honest with my family by asking for help out of a situation that was over my head. Let your children talk to you. 💚
Thank you for seeing me, and for the empathy. My alcoholic dad would beat us horribly if we lied (or he decided that we were lying, even if we were just traumatized/dissociating) so my brain stopped giving me information that my dad was likely to want a report on. If I didn't know it, I couldn't lie about it. Really maladaptive. I'm almost 40 now, and I'm working on unlearning that behavior.
I'm 43 years old, a 79' model, I am just learning about CPTSD, scapegoating, neglect and the chaotic home this year. I knew my childhood was deeply unhappy, but I didn't realize how much it had affected me in my adult life expressed in the depressions, relationships, and dysfunctions of those relationships until now. The sense of validation these videos give me is such a relief! I'm not too sensitive, I didn't imagine it, I'm not making up stories, I'm not crazy. I WAS mistreated by the very people that should have been nurturing me and protecting me from harm. Even as an adult it's hard to believe that I will never get an admission of guilt from my parent/parents, let alone an apology - but I will NEVER stop wanting one because it was my parents. But I won't ever get it,. It even on deathbed because narcissists hide from themselves. I'm sending out a healing prayer for everyone that had bad parents. We have to love ourselves hard enough that we don't need them anymore. 💕
79 model here too. My childhood was utter chaos until I found myself homeless at 17. I've been working for a few years ti fight through the pain I still dwell in. It's something I work at daily. I always feel like suicide is one step behind me. Like I'm one stupid decision away from eating a bullet
@@davidphillips9726 I actually used the phrase eat a bullet last week - but it was in a very week moment. I've decided I'm just not going to let them win. I'm stubborn/strong willed/determined enough that the life they set in motion for me is not the life I am going to lead. I'm setting goals and I'm leading it MY way. It's a struggle, and it's not a trivial thing - but every day this girl makes her bed, then gets dressed to face the world with a smile even when I don't feel like smiling. The feeling Does follow the action. It works.
Thank you so much for this video. I'm crying alone in my room right now because despite truly believing that I've done a lot of work to understand and heal, there are so many aspects of myself that I'm STILL unaware of and don't have under control... this is also the first time I've ever really felt "seen". I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, C-PTSD, insomnia, disassociation... and I feel like a fraud. I know that I've gone through many things that others may have not, but I also know that I am blessed in countless ways... it's hard for me to reconcile with myself and escape from constantly feeling like an imposter. Thank you so much for an honest video that's so full of grace. I hope you are healthy and happy as well!
Wow! Such a clear representation of the inner workings of someone suffering from C-PTSD. I would also say that a common thing I've done for a long time is MINIMIZING a situation, a feeling, my interest, the impact, or the importance. A lot of my anxiety over the years came from magnification - I would take a mildly distressing thing and crank it up to 11. My therapist has helped me "right size" things. So grateful for good compassionate support. (which I finally feel I deserve!)
To this day I can not not understand why a parent would repeat thousands of times to a 5 year old child that they are a worthless piece of trash who will never amount to anything, will never do anything right, and can't do anything without first being verbally abused. But my father did that. He told me that from the age of 4 or 5 until I cut contact with him when I was 30. I don't understand it and I probably never will, why a parent would do that to their own child. All I know is that I am still struggling so hard with the consequences its had on my life, it has taken away years and years of my life, made it impossible to survive without constantly being in a crisis, made it feel impossible to love or be loved by anyone. This video clarified a lot for me. Thank you.
Unfortunately, the adults/parents who do this to children are usually themselves carrying a lot of emotional trauma, have likely never seen good communication or parenting modelled, and so pass it down to the children in their care.
Im so sorry that the person who was supposed to love you and care for you was such a rotten piece of work. I hope you remind that little child inside that none of those ugly words he said are or were EVER true. I will never understand those terrible excuses for humans either but im glad you’re here 🤍 I wish you all the best and lots of love and healing
I think narcissistic parents often do that to their own children because they see their children as an extension of themselves and not as actual individuals. I feel like - perhaps - they truly are feeling that way about THEMSELVES but their ego is too fragile for them to confront it (I do think some forms of narcissistic behavior are caused by deep-seated insecurities rather than an ACTUAL holier-than-thou mindset). I wonder if they think that they will be able to control the damage those words actually cause if they truly see their child as an extension of themselves...maybe that's why it often seems so cavalier. Some children of narcissists can solidify this kind of thinking by participating in the dance and trying to please them after the fact. That's what I accidentally did, at least!
I can’t get over how extraordinary this video is. I’d like to write a sort of summary of it and publish it to direct more people to it. One thing you say in it is extremely important to my mind: how important it is to find people you can be authentic with. I believe if you come from a background where there was substance abuse and emotional abuse etc. gaslighting etc. and being programmed not to trust your instinct etc. you may feel like the right people to try to get approval from and have relationships with are people who behave in the same way as the people from past situations. In ever-repeating situations, you try to repeat the old situation(s) because it is what you subconsciously feel is how it should be and you are trying to get a new chance at being sufficiently acceptable and lovable. It’s just so immensely hard sometimes to change this patterning. But then suddenly someone who you vaguely know has struggled with something similar asks you how you are and you notice yourself being honest. It may not even be that what you say is so different. I seem to have moved from denying everything and revealing nothing to regressing into a childlike state, answering any question no matter how inappropriate or invasive truthfully and in detail. The difference seems to be at least to me that there is this odd feeling if not feeling separate and hateful with the person who have similar experiences or who for some other reason can emotionally attune to what I feel. For me, this other feeling (of being attuned to, of feeling accepted and understood, etc.) has often felt unbearable and wrong, like it made me feel disgusted and want to get away from the person as quickly as possible. I’ve done anything my whole life it seems to make sure I return to the situations where people treat me disrespectfully and unkindly and where I am constantly preoccupied with trying to figure out how to be for them to approve of me. I can’t express how sad it makes me to think of this. It almost feels sometimes like this big part of my conscious self doesn’t even want to change and move forward to try to see if it could be true that there is another way to feel and live. It makes me so sad that I have wasted all this time and for some reason instead of this making me want to quickly move toward a healthier and better situation in every respect, it is like I can’t get over how bad it has been. This makes me feel self-critical and I feel ashamed, and then immediately I begin feeling like I am just exaggerating anyway and the things that happened to me weren’t that bad, and, all the bad things that have happened are not evidence of C-PTSD, attachment wounding, and complex trauma, but they were just things that happened because I am inherently bad and selfish, etc. and that is why I have kept ruining things and am not able to get things to work. And that the fact that I watch videos like this is just further evidence of my bad nature: I’m just trying to blame it on other things, even to the point of diagnosing myself with C-ptsd. I don’t know how to explain it but it’s a bit like if you have walked your entire life in these immensely uncomfortable shoes that were too small and hurt your feet with every step because you didn’t know there were shoes that were your size and that we’re comfortable to wear, that didn’t give you blisters, that even didn’t have to feel like you were wearing shoes, or that could give you extra support and cushioning, and enable you to go for long walks and even run marathons. And then one day someone tells you that there are shoes like this and instead of doing anything you can to try to change into shoes like this, you find yourself stubbornly holding onto the shoes that hurts you. It feels like this for me.
OH MY GOD. YOU JUST WROTE EVERYTHING IN MY SOUL. jesus fucking christ. it’s so painful and lonely and yet someone else out there knows exactly what it’s like. wow.
"I'm fine". Masking the abuse at school or around other adults so I wouldn't be separated from my sister (who I was raising) or worse. To this day, I can't let people know I'm not ok, or that I need help, because I fear some unseen threat or judgment from abusers who died decades ago.
I wish they had a ‘care’ button on here the way they do on other platforms. That struggle to communicate when things aren’t okay resonates deeply, as does the deeply conditioned/ingrained nature of it. I’m sorry that’s been your experience and appreciate you sharing it here, I imagine it’s something many people living with cptsd may relate to.
I cannot admit that I would ever need help. It causes me so much shame to even think that I need help and feel as if I would die if I actually admitted to it.
If you want, we can connect on a platform you're comfortable with and you can save my contact as "person I can tell I'm not ok to" and you can practise that with me. Maybe it'll help seeing someone genuinelly cares and making a repeated experience of sharing what isn't ok that is actually a positive experience.
I love crappy childhood fairy too! She’s been a fantastic resource for me. It feels like an honour to be appreciated in the same comment as her, haha. I’m so happy you found this valuable! 🤗
This video of yours dear girl is such a blessing, it made me cry and think of myself, and my daughters. I recognized the "loyal to a fault" to the abuser. I recognized as the "scapegoat" child, how much trouble telling the truth could get me into. I recognized the inability to caretake my physical self, because it was drilled into me that my pain didn't matter. It was not only minimized, but made fun of. I had the most raging case of endometriosis from the age of 15 to 19, it was ignored, minimized, and I was shamed for it. By the time I got to college, a Doctor put me on Darvocet and Demerol, drugs so potent that they are no longer manufactured. During my sophomore year I was finally able to go on the pill and fined physical resolution. Growing up dealing with a Communal Narcissist mother, an Absentee father, childhood sexual abuse that was swept under the rug, and a fractured multi generational family dynamic, created my initial CPTSD. To spite learning disabilities that were again ignored, ostracized, or belittled, (I'm Dyslexic) I managed to get into AP classes by my senior year, and go to the college of my mother's choice. While other freshman were seeking out dates, parties and classes I sought out the Psychologist I knew I was a mess and that there was a lot to unpack. I left school after two years to get as far away as humanly possible. Fast forward now in my early 60's, I and many other women in my age range, are finally understanding, "Trauma Bonding", "Narcissistic Personality" disorders, and the how and why we ended up battered wives, and the patterns we couldn't help to not perpetuate. The veil has been lifted. Many of us ended up with Auto Immune diseases and we again were told, "it's all in your head". It angered us, but we prevailed to raise our children as single mothers, often with no child support and society looking down us. But we survived! Unraveling our own CPTSD continues. I used to say Parenting is about Protecting your kids, nurturing your kids and Damage control. Trying to not damage them in the ways we were..... 20/20 Hind sight clears up much of the confusion, but it doesn't undo the trauma I caused to my own children, from my being married to an abuser for 4 years, (who turned into a stalker after the Divorce) or their trauma caused by my own CPTSD, physical illness, trauma causing natural disasters , (hurricanes and floods), Bullies at school, all the moving, to stay "safe" and so forth. I will get that book, and send a copy to each daughter, so Thank you. My young women are strong and resilient and I got a lot right. They are thriving in many aspects. But we are not as close as we once were, and there are many wounds to be healed still. I don't want them to have this come back on them later, because of the "I'm fine syndrome", which they unfortunately they learned that from me. We as women of the 70's, were brainwashed to buy into the notion that "love means never having to say you're sorry" and Nothing could be further from the truth. None of us can undo the damage but perhaps we can shine our inner light on the issues as you have, and make just one facet at a time better.
You’re comment touched me. I wish my mother had your self awareness. I do not know you but you have already done so much to try to heal yourself and your daughters. Some people don’t even try anything. My mom is one of them I realize. I always thought my dad was the issue ( I grew up in a cult but didn’t know it- but my mother was secular and wasn’t made to be in the cult). I realized my dad was only able to get away with his abuse because my mother let him. I’m 46 and I’m just realizing that now. You are pretty amazing. Thank you for opening up with your comment.
I remember my dad was relatively nice but if he said what's wrong and you started crying or making a sad face or you didn't say you're fine if he asked are you ok he would get upset it's like he took our ability to be sad and vulnerable away from us now I'm a borderline
@@strangelitgirl you doing this work is something I think your daughters will be proud of if not now in future. Hopefully u can all heal each other n you are setting a great example. The idea if love meaning you never have to say you're sorry never even made sense to me as a kid( I'm 56) and it certainly doesnt now with more life experience. To the contrary. Real love means caring about the other person enough to humble yourself enough to apologize to those you have hurt nit gaslighting them into thinking their oversensitive n worse. I have noticed in the card stores they have section for almost any kind of card and for all ages from birthdays, religious holidays, mother's n father's day, wedding, new baby, Halloween,st Patrick's,secretary's day, graduation, congrats in new home bereavement,get well, good bye n good luck cards to someone leaving the office but not one apology card. That says a lot.
@@leahflower9924 yea I think parents should learn before they even have kids to not take every feeling n thought a child has to be about them. I think too often parents take everything personally so a child being upset as all children n all people naturally will be makes them feel guilty or shame somehow even when they shouldn't. So they make it worse by reacting poorly.
The decisions & choices I've made have allowed me to survive. I understand me and accept all that i have done and why . I also recognize the greater world would not understand and would judge what allowed me to survive, increadibly harshly. This is an extraordinarily lonely place and way to live. Your abundant awareness of this has made me feel genuinely understood and not alone. Thank you 🙂
Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families along with yoga Nidra has helped me get into my body and regulating my nervous system. I realized that I was in such desperate need of creating a safe space where I could give myself the space to know what my true feelings are. Meditation and deep breath work has continued to bring peace to my inner trauma.
I have the fawn response in relationships and I hate it. Stems from childhood issues and was solidified by an abusive marriage to a point that I legitimately have no idea what I want (only when I'm in a relationship, otherwise I'm thankfully fine). I also subconsciously micro analyze the other person and adapt (even though I don't want to!). I then feel like I'm not alone in my brain. This is why I steer clear of relationships atm. I hate not feeling like myself and being in a relationship triggers me way too much, still.😭
I live with chronic complex PTSD due directly to a very abusive & traumatic childhood. I was the family scapegoat and at same time as eldest of 6 children, expected to care for younger siblings, babysit, cook, clean and shop from as young as age 4. Everything you describe completely resonates. I have learned to recognise the patterns - I give myself days off when physical & emotional health is impacted - lethargy is the worst and frustration with myself for not being a "proper" person. Splitting is often an issue until we learn to recognise that it's happening. Chronic lying was the survival strategy for the first 30 years of my life - I felt people just wouldn't understand and those I disclosed to previously, said they didn't believe me and that impacted me very badly. Thank you for sharing.
We are extremely similar. I wish you understanding, a loving community, pure love, self-forgiveness, and lots of restoration. Just as I wish this for myself.
I feel like there should be a separate category of scapegoating where people who experience that were both the cause of all of one parent's struggles/therefore the whole family's struggles and ALSO responsible for fixing everything. So not the "locked in a basement" kind of scapegoating but this other type where you are both expected to save everyone in the family from having to do any work on their own AND expected shoulder all the blame for anything that goes wrong because you are somehow just basically "wrong" yourself. It's parentification as well as scapegoating, I suppose. (A Cinderella situation??)
Once I found this video and took in the information, the relief was like the peace that comes after a terrible storm, being given a warm blanket, some cocoa, and the embrace of a loving mother saying "it's OK, baby; we've got this!" but me-to-me. BLESS YOU!
Once I realized how abnormal my upbringing was I began to notice my chameleon traits. When I first noticed it I wrote it off as mirroring, polite communication. I finally realized I had no idea what my normal was.
I'm almost 60 and just recently started therapy. I grew up that you don't talk about your problems or "air the dirty laundry". A life time of lying by omission to others and project that "perfect family" is a hard thing to overcome. Glad I found this.
I am 62 yrs old and have lived with cptsd my whole life. It feels too late to alter the course of my life. I feel so much shame and cannot stop seeing myself as a failure. In deep despair -helpless and hopeless like a bottomless pit. Deep psychic pain. It’s exhausting. Thank you.
Being honest with myself is what brought me here. I feel safe enough and tired of my addictions now to actually be humble enough to see myself & hear my own thoughts. I got bitter and very negative during 2020-2023. So happy to see the shame and guilt I hid now I am starting fresh like a baby 😅
This is the best information I've ever heard about CPDTD behaviors in adults. I've been to several psychiatrists and psychologists for treatment and never got this kind of explanation and understanding. Thank you, Heidi. Your communication of this subject is clear, well articulated and explained, and your examples understandable. Thank you so much. Also thanks for the book references.
Yep, I say this all the time, traditional therapy is not good enough and has to evolve ASAP!! The info i found online has helped me immensely and has literally changed my life. No therapist has ever been able to help me as much as the internet. + My last therapist was so shocked by my self-awareness (!) I mean, she should have just looked it up, it was all over the internet! The online communities in reddit have been extremely helpful too.
When people are abusing you you have to keep silent because whenever you expose them it comes back on you and you are to blame. You have to take however they define you however false because they will gang up on you and back you into a corner. Then you find nearly everyone you know is abusing you and you are lucky to find any refuge. You long for escape but they won’t let you escape or get back to normal. This never ends, it will go on until you die.
It's worth being in poverty not having to go to work anymore and living off of Social Security. I'm sitting back at age 65 pondering and healing and videos like yours are very very helpful! Great information! Good day!🤠
You are literally changing lives by sharing this information. I’m almost 30 and I’ve been looking for these answers for so long. Thank you for all that you do
I don't think I have complex PTSD, but I can relate to some of these. I think in this country, we're told to suck it up if we're in pain or not feeling well. I remember being a kid in school and my teacher saying I was faking it when I had a cough. That was obviously something that stuck with me to this day and I still feel like I have to explain myself when I take a day off from work.
Something similar happened to me ieaas 7 I felt nauseated and asked to use the bathroom.teavher said oh stop your fine .and I promptly vomited all over her the person Infront of me and the floor .screams from the class and Iwas still admonished afterwards for not telling her properly😢 .
Sorry to you both!!! Ugh I totally get that having to explain yourself thing. I am 43 and just now trying to train myself to stop this! They don’t care about the explanation anyway! It won’t change their idiotic thoughts of you. I also have endless stories like these myself, and family & friends! So f’n sick of “adults” treating children as though they’re faking!! And why do ya suppose they think that way? 🤔 hmmm maybe because they’re the fakers! And stupid adults think everyone is just like them & does what they do😤
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
Yes, dr.sporesss. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
I wish they were readily available in my place. Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac. He's constantly talking about killing someone. He's violent. Anyone reading this Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.
I started weeping during your explanation of what you want to say to someone with CPTSD and toxic shame… I am that person. This entire video was illuminating, but that moment felt like a supernova.
I’m crying because I keep telling my husband that I have a distorted view of myself and I don’t understand why. I need him to tell me how I really am because I get so confused. This is crazy, thank you for validating this experience
I used to barely date a younger man who told me that he relied on me to give him valuable feedback about himself. It hurt my feelings at the time because I realized he liked me for him, and not for me, if that makes sense. I understand better now how important our relationship was to him, but I couldn’t live with being his mirror.
I remember asking a friend when I was around ten years old how she saw me. That is pretty sad. A ten year old kid needing to be mirrored an validated by a peer when parents don’t do their job.
@@maryfrances1307 I'm the other side of that. I still have very strong desires to get back together from an 11 year long relationship after 3 years of being apart but it's a constant struggle to even comprehend how much of it is to be with her (it was an abusive relationship) or to have my mirror back because these 3 years have been unbearable and has only gotten me very very close to suicide.
I am 73 and have actively sought mental health help. For 40 years I weekly saw some MSW or PhD. This video! It's me!! More than anything else in all these years.❤ Can I contact Heidi? ? Many thanks😊
Thank you Darling 🙏 To all my trauma siblings: Hold on. Practice makes Perfect and if we are all here, it means we started to practice. We will get there! 💚💗💚
I watch a lot of psychology and trauma videos/ted talks etc. And I have never heard anyone touch of this, and definitely not in such great detail and understanding. It hit home a lot. As someone with fibromyalgia and C-PTSD, I feel you.Thank you
Halfway through this video and I am sobbing. This narrative of myself being a liar has been weighing on me. Thank you for your brilliance and knowledge
Most people lie if they're done wrong or if they feel they will be judged or shamed if that person or the numerous other people they may) could conceivably tell either offhandedly or if they one day are upset or mad at you for something . Even if it's something you really shouldn't be ashamed of at all or very little. It could even be things having nothing to do with u directly but your family etc. I agree we have to find some people to be fully real with and I'm lucky to have few of these people but most I have to keep more at a distance and honestly at my age...mid 50's this may well explain why people don't easily make new friends or good aquatintances... lot of people probably feeling it isn't safe to be themselves. The older you are the more likely something has happened in your life you're not comfortable sharing but is pretty big that it feels disingenuous to know someone well n spend good deal of time with them without them knowing. Now so many people also go online where they can be anonymous so even less reason for people to take a chance on honest, authentic real world relationships. Sad but explains a lot.
Amazing insight. I have made it so far that I've been able to say that "I prefer talking to strangers over letting people get close, because this way, I have the opportunity to leave out all the messy chaotic, negative and unsavory medical AND life garbage that I've lived through". I have a chance to feel..."normal".
I learned more from you in two hours of videos than from going to therapy for two years 😅 I now understand where a lot of my behaviors are rooted and I think you showed me the path to healing. The UA-cam algorithm is absolutely amazing, you popped up in my suggestions at the exact time I needed it and I have no words to describe the appreciation I have for you. These ideas/concepts need to be heard by SO many more people
@@gretchenburton7184 For me, it was a freeze and fawn response in combination, out of necessity. Two of my older siblings could be horribly violent at any given moment, so I’d just freeze in shock and acquiesced to whatever was happening so the violence would hopefully stop sooner.
Hit the spot... I am 41 years old, knew I was different from others and only now figured out i have CPTSD and fearable avoidant. Thank you....for this video.. learning learning
Finding you videos changed my life, for the first time i see myself as a normal human who has trauma, instead of a freak of nature who has to hold back who i am in order to protect myself and others. Thank you so much, i feel like i belong for the first time in my life!
It’s difficult to properly find words for how much I appreciate this comment. The exact shift you’re describing here has been the greatest internal revolution of my own life and I’m so glad it’s happening for you too. I feel honoured to have played any part at all in it.
I can not believe how accurate this is for me. I'm just starting on my journey with this. I never realized the magnitude of abuse i had. There's so many things I thought were normal but knew that they weren't. There's so many layers.
“they have this fragmented and disoriented sense of who they are, Because their true self was not mirrored back properly to them” Hit the nail on the head there. One roadblock to my healing is that I gaslight myself into doubting my trauma, all because because the nature of it consisted of mostly POSITIVE language - just used in extremely inappropriate contexts. In a nutshell, getting positive feedback and "love" during the times I felt most uncomfortable. Both my family members and my school bullies did this in a variety of ways. Thank you for this quote. I will start using it to validate myself whenever I find myself doubting the seriousness of my experience.
@@hampster0171 for example, an older sibling would say and do abusive things, but then my parents would enable the behavior by saying things like "you know she loves you" and "you can be the bigger person here" and "families forgive because we love each other" or "we wont take sides because we love you both so much and we love you equally" Instead of making the person take accountability for actions that harmed other family members, this loving language was used to twist the narrative. So, i grew up thinking i was not seeing love correctly for having a problem with this, and that there was something wrong with me
Thanks Heidi, I almost cried when you talked about feeling ashamed for not knowing the normal stuff others learn early in life in their families. I was always covering up for not knowing and for being neglected by my parents, like it was my fault they are so screwed up. I feel so sad for little me and for older me going through this feeling of inadequacy through all my life. And a sense of relief that it wasn't me, it wasn't my fault the way I was treated as a child 😮💨
I also refer to my “childhood” as “when I was Little” and “Little me” and I recognize that it really speaks to the fact that we did Not have a childhood, just a time when we were small…. 💔
Thank you, Heidi for your channel. Pete Walker's book was a huge blessing for me. I'm an over-achieving lawyer with both CPTSD and ADHD (narcissistic mama, growing up in a doomsday cult) and didn't really understand my behaviors until I read Pete Walker's book. This is a great video. So many of us are people-pleasing, wearing whatever mask we need to get through the moment.
I can't tell you how much this has opened my eyes and helped me understand why things have always been such a struggle to 'fit in'. Learning this, combined with finally accepting I've had CPTSD since childhood is life changing. Thank you, Heidi.
This is a bullseye for me! I can see all the dysregulation, school didn’t work so well. Lied to keep the peace and fit in. Until I mastered breathwork with a 10 minute breath hold was I able to heal the dysregulated nervous system. The triggers still remained so I have been doing the shadow work to finish off this trauma response. Never heard of C PTSD but it all aligns for the majority of my life until recently. Sharing this knowledge is so helpful at identifying our behavior, thank you!!!
I recently came to realize the depth of the trauma I experienced as a child. I’ve spent most of my life convincing myself that everything is okay. It’s really not- but I learned to cope young (appeasing, fawning, escaping and yes-lying) I think the main reason I feel like I have to lie, is because trying to cope with my anxiety is not something I feel I can explain to others (or confront honestly) so it comes out as “I don’t feel good” and then I go curl into a ball until I have to get up and deal again. It was a weird revelation that I’ve spent my life doing this sort of thing, without seeing it for what it is. I just want to be left alone and for no one to worry or think about me. It’s actually being a parent that has caused me to address any of this
God bless you for breaking generational curses!! When my older daughter was born, I was back in the frying pan, having gotten divorced from her extremely multi-dimensionally abusive father. I remarried (the woman my mother wanted me to, for sickening reasons) and had a second child. When I would be annoyed with her for crying while I was busy with something, I found myself saying heartlessly cruel things to this little baby, for reasons I didn't understand and was unable to stop. I did stop rather quickly. It has always made me wonder if I heard those same things from my own mother when I was still a baby.
I've been loving your videos, Heidi. I've suffered from chronic pain for over 10 years now (cervical stenosis) and there are many days that I simply can't function, but I've found that isolating myself from friends and family makes lying about how I feel much easier - because no one is around to check on me! We have to laugh, otherwise we'll cry. Thank you for all the work you put into these videos and your channel, and for how concisely and deeply you explain each topic.
Wowwww!!! All my life I have lived this way. And have at times felt fraudulent. But a majority of the time it was a fear response. You are the first person on this planet who I feel actually gets it, and understands the difficulties that go along with it. I’ve watched a few of your videos and love your approach to topics such as “Fearful-Avoidant attachment styles in relationships”. I’m so happy I found your channel, as your videos are helping me on my healing journey. Thank you so much Heidi for all that you do, you are greatly appreciated 🙏👏🙌💖.
Okay so i know this video is old but can i just say that this video just blew my mind… I thought I was AUTISTIC. I did recently get dx with ADHD which makes SO MUCH SENSE for how my brain works…. but this video alone explains 75% of the time i’ve been on earth. my adhd is just what’s made the cptsd harder to see. i thought i was a failure my whole life and had to try to blend in. i thought i was about to be ready to be out of therapy… i’m about to come up on three years in therapy. yaaaaaay there’s always more to unpack lol. but thank you SO MUCH for your honesty in this and your integrity with it. this changed my life. i’m not autistic, i have adhd and i really do have c-ptsd. (i know autism and ptsd are hard to separate because of how neurodivergent people are treated but for me, this personally helped me distinguish)
"constantly triaging the next great emergency in your life" literally my life the past 5 years ever since i had to withdraw from university bc my mental health finally crashed after working every fri, sat, sun while going to school full time, bc i didn't have that financial support from family. and now i've been running on the constant "what's the next emergency" for the past 5 years.
Thank you!!! This is why my husband w CPTSD has lied so much. You were dead on with regards to childhood traumas. He was verbally and physically abused. I now understand.
I'm currently on a massive healing journey thanks to Complex PTSD and Late-diagnosed Autism. Made it a point to listen to this video while out running errands today. One of those errands is the book I bought, The Body Keeps Score. The book you mentioned I have to order, which I've also been recommended. When I say I cried because had finally felt heard and validated by your words, I cried. I BAWLED. Since 2017 I've been on an increasing journey of self-discovery. The first thing I realized and wanted to change was the fact I needed to be more honest with myself. This has in turn had me being more honest, even when painful, instead of lying. Because I deserve to Thrive, and it's not fair the world literally threw me in survival from birth. First thing I did for myself. Ever. At 27 years old. I'm crying again. Thank you for this video. I'm hoping this helps some folks understand theirs or their loved ones' trauma to better support them and help them recover.
This all makes sense. It sucks, it's painful, it's infuriating, it's liberating, it's frustrating, it's euphoric, it's exhausting, it's isolating, it's unifying, and it's so necessary. I feel it, too. Even if it seems like it, you are not alone. I'm 26. Much care and empathy from Louisiana to wherever you are.
I'm a PK was raised in an extreme evangelical home where my sister was kicked out at 15 for not conforming and I, as a 10 year old, took on the responsibility for my entire dad's ministry to not suffer this same fate myself. Curious how many of us had our trauma come from the church and these kinds of religious fundamentalist upbringings - can anyone relate?
I relate to you , I was the "Golden Child" because I saw my brother being punished for not conforming to the religious abuse ,so lying to myself and to others was my way to survive. I'm 28 years now and I am trying to get to know my true self, (I woke up to the abuse 3 years ago). This space is so healing 💗
Lying has been a means of survival. Getting through what was and still is unbearable pain, shame and guilt. Lies have wrecked many relationships but I am so scared to be that open because it has always led to bad things.
For me, it's not lying, but about avoiding communicating some sort of truth that might cause conflict. So yeah, you nailed it!
This. Everyone has been around that person who trauma dumps in inappropriate circumstances, and it makes everyone feel uncomfortable.
Isn't it still lying, though?
Same😢 this is a hard realization
I did this recently. I have a few mental health diagnoses and was at a specialist appointment. I was doing everything in my power to not have a panic attack but couldn't find the words to say anxiety, so I said I was in pain. I'm in my 40's and a lifetime of stigma has taught me to never speak about my mental health issues outside of the therapist and psychiatric offices. Had I been asked I could have responded but I couldn't say the word. It's a tough place to be in.
@@alikatt Exactly- a lifetime of "training" how to NOT communicate; it's difficult to overcome!
I hope your therapy helps as much as mine has. I'm certainly not over it, but having someone to talk through and validate my experiences has been a godsend!
i don't think it's about lying so much as it is not being able to fully express yourself. Blocked emotions and thoughts cause suffering.
Same. I was emotionally neglected and couldn’t name my feelings emotions to even express it. I knew something wasn’t right with my family, and that I didn’t feel physically safe and got scared a lot by family, but I didn’t know how to voice that to others. It wasn’t just a self-protection measure. It was a lack of equipping in emotional and social skills to be able to communicate what I needed and wanted (and major head trauma as a kid didn’t help either).
Yes, I agree with you completely. It may be lying for some but the issue is being able to fully express oneself, and also not to have the context twisted so that your words or expression is made to appear as something else, so some people give up on expression altogether.
@@Elya08 I was fortunate not to have this happen to me until later in the teen years with an additional family member entering in. It was hard for me to grasp what was happening but basically one cannot be authentic, one isn’t allowed or accepted.
Survival tactic..... If I say this, I will get hurt.
We’ve been in survival mode for far too long; fight, flight, fawn are three of the main core protective concepts that our brain has adapted to throughout the years; all in all to protect me, if I were to feel ALL of that pain…when you grow up with an avoidant attachment style, you don’t trust others with your vulnerability or softness- as we always end up hurt. We are who they want us to be, to avoid getting hurt.
24:51 had me BAWLING. I have self sabotaged my entire adult life. Not only do I think I’m not worthy, I am constantly berating myself for hurting others in my pursuit of unhappiness. My God, I have no clue how to stop and be the authentic me, whoever that is.
me too girl. I was CRYING. my step-dad terrorized my childhood to the point the rest of my life has been negatively affected. This lady knows me. I never knew I had CPTSD until 2 years ago. At 58!! 😢
I think you can definitely work with it. The responses you have might never go away but having recognition and willingness to work on those issues with COMPASSION for yourself can really do a lot. I have these responses but I've learnt to almost immediately after conflict, or sometimes in a conversation following conflict say to my partner "actually, I feel like my need deserve to be met in this way" or "respectfully. I disagree". And being honast about my partner and people with how I communicate - because the responses we have are very normal, they come from parts of us that want to protect us so instead of belittling them or blaming them we can have compassion for them (and us) and kind of start working with them. It definitely gets easier and i think the more you do it the easier it is to recognise.
It doesn't help to berate yourself does it? Have you made amends to those you've hurt? Keep moving forward.
Me too. Every second of my life.
I just learned and 58! Yikes!😊@@ironmaven1760
And let’s not forget how we observed the *adults and institutions* around us as kids CONSTANTLY LYING ABOUT EVERYTHING. I was a super smart kid and I KNEW they were lying, so I thought that was the thing to do- au contraire, lying was THEIR right but NOT mine, so then I learned all about the deep and unrelenting *hypocrisy* of the culture around me. Now I have concentric circles of intimacy between those I can actually, TRULY trust- and the degrees of everyone else. Lying kept me alive.
Exactly. But if you're like me, I can size up people fast and literally can know I'm not safe with this new friend, or boss, etc and he/she is shady or out right nasty or narcissist! I had to figure that stuff out early in my family.
@@Drteomas oh I'm alone too! I meant family of origin. It was a nightmare. Be well!
@@wendi2819 q
I think it was Claude Steiner said "Adults are liars."
Reminds me of the song institutionalized
I loved, "Nobody on this planet, nobody, is more resourceful than a Complex PTSD survivor." laughed out loud.
The 10 lies:
1) you are having a fawn response
2) you start lying from very young to become socially included
3) you have a self-story of yourself that is not actually true (it was crafted to adapt to parent environment for example)
4) you might have learned to lie to avoid loss (of caregivers)
---end of childhood---
5) lying to secure resources/safety
6) you lie due to toxic shame
7) you find yourself in weirder scenarios (due to past trauma) where it becomes easier to just tell overt lies
8) you tell an overt lie after experiencing a trigger (that gives you emotional flashback) to give a simple explanation to your change of behaviour to others but you might not even be aware of the trauma behind that trigger-response-lie
9) you lie because you dont want to have to caretake the other person's feelings if you were to tell them the truth
10) you might lie because it feels nice to feel normal sometimes around others
That is hitting the nail on the head for me.
This makes no sense bro why do I have to watch a 45 minute long video to understand these bullet points? You were of no help.
Thanks for adding these notes for quick reference
I started watching it to see what CPTSD was and now I'm wondering why every point is relatable
should add timestamps
I recognized that I was in full fawn response in a phone call recently. I was so anxious I was agreeing to and suggesting things I did not want and couldn’t stop myself.
SAME. And it can be dangerous especially in sexual situations. One time i agreed to do something with a guy, but i was on autopilot and inside i was screaming NO. It hurts because you can't face the guy because he will tell you that you agreed. :/ So people like us can be really misunderstood.
@@nad3506 I’m sorry you are facing those kinds of situations. Mine is trying to break free from a trauma bonded marriage. He can be very manipulative and prey on my empathies to get me back under his control.
@@lorabyrnside I'm so so sorry to hear that, i hope one day you will be able to heal and do what's best for you. Never forget how worthy you are 🖤 i send you lots of love and hugs sis!! Wish you the best!!
I've been in fawn mode before too. Draw boundaries and treat yourself the same way you would treat another person you are being kind to. Maybe you could have said, "To be honest, I am a little tapped out of ideas. However, I have thought of a couple things I would really like to do... ". Then tell them why you are passionate about your ideas, and make clear you can ONLY have the time to work on those things you have been thinking of. Isn't that what you really want?
Unless you are at work and it is expected of you, you don't have to be a slave to pleasing others. You can put your own desires first. Realize that after you agree and suggest things, they will walk away glad you saved them from the extra work of finding someone else or doing it, or they will do it on their own. Put your energy into what you really want if you can. If it is that kind of situation. Sometimes you have to go along for certain reasons. But not always. Be kind to yourself. Value your own efforts.
😊@@nad3506
I did not shed a tear when my grandparent passed away.
But I did when I heard you said "you deserve to be love". Thank you.
Me either. I didnt have much of a relationship with the 1 grandparent i had. Always thought it would be nice tho. In reality, it was depressing
My personal recap:
📌 Because you are fawning
(Agreing to things in the moment and realizing later you were just trying to please the other one)
📌 To socially blend in
📌 Because you don't really know what is true about you story
(this happens to childs who were scapegoated. This gives a conflicted image of who you are. Desoriented sense of self)
📌 To avoid lost
📌 To keep someone else's secrets
📌 To secure resources
(because you have to hide your history of unstable jobs, bad credit, unstable relationships, health issues, bad references)
📌 Because you think you're toxic to the core.
(Goes with self-gaslighting. Whatever bad happened to you is because you are a bad person or you are overdrammatic)
📌 To avoid to see people feeling inconfortable hearing your story and unable to give you advises.
📌 To explain to people a reaction we had that din't fit the situation
(Sometime, we don't even know this is trauma or emotional flashback)
📌 Because you don't want to put your problems on other people.
"I have to make other people feel better about the fact that I have a problem" (stress, anxiety, depression, physical pain, etc.)
📌 Because it feels nice to feel normal
(often in situations you feel you don't belong)
***English is not my first language, so you might see some basic grammar mistakes! 😅
Thank you so much Heidi!
Love this thank you
Thank you!
Thank you!
thank u nvn
thank you 🙏
This video made me start crying because of how called out I felt. I like thinking of myself as an honest person and I tell myself that I only I tell lies because of self preservation. I'm always ashamed. I've always thought I was inherently bad and wrong. I didn't know this was all a c-ptsd thing. I'm not just wrong and I'm not alone. Thank you.
Totally the same here!
Me as well! I started crying when she was talking about not feeling worthy to ask for help (as I am in the middle of currently battling myself to find a therapist). I knew I would outright lie to my mom to avoid confrontation and her disappointment. But I have been lying so much more than I even thought. Lying just to feel normal and like everyone else, especially when I was little and I could pretend that my parents didn't have screaming matches almost every day until their divorce when I was 11. Ooooooffffff
Your not the only one, I struggled not to smash my phone as she was talking then I cried afterwards
I felt myself wanting to cry, but I am so conditioned that it did not come out. 😔
@@jillogicaljelly3627i have been here a few years and this year i finally made the call that got me a psychologist to actually diagnose me and help me get out of the "loop" that cptsd creates with dissociation, feeling worthless and unlovable and suicide. It has really worked for me which I am happy about. I hope, they can do the same for you. Its gonna be really though, but the thoughest things to start, are almost always the best for you
I think as a child, we simply don't know that we are being neglected or abused, because this is all we know and we have absolutely no comparison of how other "healthy" children grow up. So when a teacher asks us "if everything is okay at home", of course we say yes, because to us it is normal. It is only much later, often only in adult life, that we realize that we grew up in a dysfunctional home.
Don't forget, even if we knew it wasn't, we didn't feel like telling them because you were always worried that nothing would happen and now you're just the weird kid. Plus, it's very hard to talk about stuff when you're not ready to.
So much this
Yessss. I found out something was wrong when I started college. It was baaaddddd
I kind of knew, but my mom would threaten me with foster care every time I triggered her. She would always point out that I’d get raped in foster care and since my family is Middle Eastern, they pretty much meant my life would be over
Absolutely agree with OP. What is normal is what we know as kids, only when we see other 'normals' can we compare that to our baseline.
That's when the cracks appear.
"Loyal to a fault". It seems loyalty means that we are supposed to allow someone to trample us while we agreeably tolerate it. In my experience at least. Once I speak up for my self I get the old disloyalty (or betrayal or whatever you want to call it) treatment.
I feel that the true difficulties are that people need to be more patient with each other and open minded while being empathetic and compassion.
The challenge is to learn and acknowledge your emotions and learning to control those.
That goes for everyone so you can build trust and mutual respect.
Active listening is key here, which is challenging when you are triggered
Its called, manipulation. Its manipulation when someone questions your loyalty for calling them out on their unacceptable behaviour. It takes the focus away from them and you will automatically try to defend yourself trying to prove that you are in fact loyal and give up... thus, the purpose of the acusation being successful.
Dont be disloyal to yourself when you know you accept mistreatment from someone you know is abusing your good nature. .
@@TeamJesusGo It's also signs of emotional abuse but yes it's manipulation and a guilt trip.
I get cut off for saying my truth except for one person who is evolved.
@@gretchenburton7184 I have to say, there is no such thing as "your" truth or "my" truth. There is THE truth. Any thing else is only subjective perception. So your view or your perspective would be more accurate to say. That aside, I know what you are saying. I have that happening in my life as we speak. So I simply have gone silent. The tides are turning toward a wonderful change as I slowly get my life together.
"Doesn't mean you have to do anything about it, it's just information." Wow! This was the most liberating thing for me to hear. Thank you for sharing these insights in a really blameless way.
Lying to prevent abuse: a slap or an angry verbal outburst from a parent or violent spouse. That type of lying often ends once there is recovery from complex trauma. The most dangerous lie is the denial that abuse is happening. Please be safe. I went no contact with narcissistic, abusive family members and feel great peace, safety and freedom. I wish the same healing for you.
You said it kidd. Facts .
This is exactly what happened to me when I was a kid. I often lied to avoid the mistreatment you described. My father was an alcoholic, and he often had to temporarily stop drinking or reduce his drinking so he could go into work without being reprimanded or sent home for being impaired. Working rotating shifts didn't help matters any.
Naturally, these brief periods of reduced alcohol intake put him into a state of withdrawal, which made him super-irritable, with a hair-trigger, severe temper over the smallest of things. He was often physically abusive when he was in this state.
I relate to the fawning symptom. And sometimes it takes me longer to process how I feel than the amount of time I have to respond, which makes it really hard to be honest in the face of conflict. You get so used to taking abuse that the fawning kicks in on autopilot and you don’t realize you should actually be angry or stand up for yourself until a day later.
The irony is that telling someone the truth often causes more conflict, even when you go out of your way to say it diplomatically and fairly. A lot of people don’t actually want your honesty-which means someone who fawns needs two things to tell the truth: speedier processing and the ability to stay untriggered in the face of people who rage at hearing your honesty.
@rixatrix - Thank you, your comment articulates what I experience -
"takes me longer to process how I feel than the amount of time I have to respond,...you don’t realize you should actually be angry or stand up for yourself until a day later."
Bruh I don't know at all how I feel about things
@@jakeb3157
Love & Hope to YOU 🕊❣️🙏
I started saying I needed some time to respond. Not always taken in kind but I realized in most cases they really can't do anything to force a response out of me. And if they don't like it I don't owe them an explanation or a quicker response in most cases. Yes at work sometimes I had to respond quicker than I could process it. Especially at my work which is a bit chaotic but you know sometimes you take some L's and that's okay. The beautiful thing is however is that I've been doing this for a few months now and my processing is getting way faster by the month maybe week even. I'm way more confident as well.
RixaTRix, Oh how I concur with everything that you have said. I am dealing with a very bad time of year for past and current trauma. It is so difficult to lie to others and to yourself in order to "make peace," or to have and receive the help that you use because you happen to be in a vulnerable position in my life, due to my age and loss of vision and moblity.
I’m a psychologist. I really appreciate hearing your story. Despite working with people with trauma, I had not put together the connection with chronic lying.
Our actual daily life is a lie, ie Stockholm Syndrome for one.
This comment is a baffling display of defiant negligence.
Not only is it unbelievable that a person could acquire the academic credentials to that of a psychologist and even pass their mentorship process in order to receive their license without having so much as the basic insight to understand that chronic lying is a common manifestation of post-traumatic stress or personality/characterological disorders. Regular people may not be aware of this but for a psychologist it amounts to medical negligence.
It's also a stunning display of unreflectiveness and subsequent shameless self-congratulation.
@emil5884 woah relax. They said they didn't put together the connection. This could easily mean that they knew it was a symptom, but never untangled how cptsd can lead to certain manifestations of chronic lying. You can know that A leads to B and be compassionate about B with the knowledge that it is caused by A, all without fully understanding the mechanism through which A causes B. Eg: they may know that cptsd causes chronic lying, and can be understanding and compassionate of the fact that this is a common cptsd symptom, without understanding that perhaps it is caused by a need to feel normal for one patient, or that it is a result of self-gaslighting in another patient, and that both instances are caused by their individual childhood traumas.
There is no need to use such harsh language when rhe original comment was vague enough for there to be room for doubt. There is also no need to make kneejerk accusations about a stranger whose efficacy at their profession is not known personally to us. Maybe 100% of their clients express high satisfaction with their therapeutic methods. Theres no need for name calling strangers whose situations we truly do not know, especially when they go out of their way to improve and seek out new information to broaden their horizons. For all you know, this person could be 1 year into their job as a psychologist, and actively seeking online material to better understand their clients and patients. And you saw that and immediately tore them down and called them names for putting in effort. What good does that do?
@@3nrikaalso quote directly where this person engaged in shameless self-congratulatory behaviour. They were grateful for knowledge that somehow their own education system and supervisors failed to teach them and not once said anything egotistical. You are projecting your anger at mental healthcare professionals on an incredibly neutral comment where someone was thankful to have learnt something new to improve their ability to be supportive to their patients and clients. and you got angry at that.
Chronic lying isn’t an issue with everyone who has CPTSD. I do have CPTSD. This is seeming like a video on one of the 60 Characteristics of CPTSD. I have listened to Tim Fletcher more than this woman. Tim Fletcher is who I’m going to listen too. He has over 300 videos on Complex Trauma. CPTSD.
I am a senior citizen and I have struggled all my life with this . Thank you for all the valuable information, its never too late.
This video is so healing as an autistic CPTSD sufferer. Growing up different in that way you get told everything about you isnt normal, the way you move the way you speak the way you think the way you interact with everything. So you lie to others and yourself about all of those things. The lies run so deep into every part of who you are. And then the guilt of that lie is so much to bear. Thank you for this video it’s helping me learn to untangle the lies.
Oh my God it's not just me. I was recently late-diagnosed with autism and ADHD at 33 yo and I've had severe anxiety my whole life. I had a mentally abusive step-mother that labeled me as a "problem child". She would call me a liar or tell me I was overacting when I'd complain about my sensory issues or being bullied as a kid instead of getting me help. She would tell me that I was "doing it for attention" or to "get out of trouble". Do that to a person long enough and they eventually start to believe it and act accordingly. It makes sense now why I'd lie about seemingly insignificant things all the time in my teenage years. I still struggle with it today. Being abused like this thoroughly distorts a person's sense of self and destroys ones self confidence.
I had a very similar set of feelings growing up as a closeted trans girl. Based off of everything I was told to not do and not be, it seemed like lying/masking was a mandatory part of being accepted in this world. Then when you learn that most people just get to move through the world earnestly, the lies become another brick in the wall separating you from everyone else.
I'd like to think that we're on on way to creating a world that's more compassionate, educated, and patient-- maybe I'm an optimist. In any case I hope you find peace, friend❤
Hey also me!! 😂 I've found a lot of fellow autistic people in these comment sections. It seems to resonate well with us.
I think it's how well she is able to explain it. This is the kind of therapists/support workers we need. Ones who break it down and go through it with us.
We grew up totally misunderstood, isolated, likely assaulted and bullied, and abused. Plus the added benefit of having Autism that you don't know you have. We needed/need to have things layed out directly. Then I notice that most of us pick up the skills very quickly.
So much of my trauma is now vastly healed bc I've had a community, support, and understanding. In the last year I've changed into an entirely different person. All bc I was given a chance to understand.
In addition to this , it makes total sense to get rid of abusive family members that you know will never change,and don't want to. They enjoy having a scapegoat around to make them feel better about life,to balance out that toxic family. Show them the door,and give them the 👢 boot !
@@JulieSevelson-nb9nj I really needed to hear this. Thank you❤
I am 60, a survivor of child abuse, a recovering addict (17 years sober) and someone who lied all the time because of toxic shame. Rough edges still remain so my healing journey continues. This video was awesome, there is so much to relate to. For those who are starting their journey or in the heat of healing I want to share that there is light in truth. Persevere. It is worth it.
Congrats n keep up the good work
Perseverance. I like that. Thanks
Thank you so much-- I really really needed to hear this. I think it's awesome that you've been able to stay sober for so long, and I hope that you're proud of yourself for all the progress you've made❤ I hope that someday I can claim that 17 year milestone myself
Thank you for speaking up. I am 63, 10 months sober and trying very hard to get to the core of my shame, reparent my inner children and really truly heal. Its never too late to start working on this.
I am you! Wife of 20 years left me because she felt she could not depend on me to tell the truth all the time, or that I could give her a 100% guarantee that I would never again relapse, even though I tried to explain to her that I suffered from early childhood trauma and excruciating toxic shame etc. She did not want to hear or understand where I was coming from. So she left me, putting salt and acid in my abandonment wound and toxic shame wounds.. Since then, I have done a lot of work to understand the whole scenario and these videos, in addition to therapy, have been of immense help. Thanks!
I’ve always thought I’m a really honest person and terrible at lying but I definitely relate to this…I tend to be really good at leaving out information or twisting my story slightly to sound normal or acceptable. But I’ve realised from watching your videos that this just leaves me with more shame. I feel fake and awful and I’m actually self-sabotaging by not being my authentic self 😩
I concur with you, I have always been known are being badly honest, I know that some in my family DON'T want me around because I am open and honest and I don't want to keep up the lying. Then, I withdraw and am afraid. I know that they tell others not to tell me anything which hurts me SO MUCH when I have always kept SO MUCH submerged even hiding from them from myself, to keep being the happy smiling, bubbly person that IS a BIG PART me, to get along, to not be looked down on, all.of.the.things.
Same
Same here. It feels so much better when I’m honest with myself. I think I will begin to be more honest with some people and see how it goes.
Right in my mind I’m just protecting everyone else from the drama and negativity. I don’t lie, but I won’t tell you that I lost my career because my narcissist father stole my money through a joint account and left me stranded as a painful condition was setting in leaving me without money or insurance for treatment leading to several years of depression alcoholism and homelessness as I painstakingly chased opportunities and climbed back up the ladder to get back to where I was (since I last saw you).
"I’m actually self-sabotaging by not being my authentic self" I don't think of it that way. Not everyone is a safe person that needs to know your real story. I made the mistake of being my authentic self by being honest and got shamed and made fun of because of it. Never again unless it is a select person.
in tears because i didn't realize the extent of what i have been living life like until now. this is such an eye opening video especially to people like me who don't have a support system and this video is the only one where i feel valid and actually seen and heard. I havent been able to say these things out loud let alone told anyone else any of this. im so glad you were able to put my emotions and experiences into words i feel likes im going to watch this video every day to remind myself that there another way. thank you so much heidi. ive been non stop watchin your videos and just enrolled in your course. i usually dont talk alot online but this one stopped me dead in my tracks. that you so much for allowing me to be here as myself.
Me too.
In a similar situation and holding you in solidarity in my heart
Same honestly. I wish you well friend.
Same! Look at us--healing and stuff :0) Blessings to you
Same here. There is a way out. You just need to keep climbing and don't look down. Also check out the hour and some long webinar about Pete Walkers book Called From Surviving to Thriving. Very helpful information and at the same time calming as it gives us a sense of clarity, or possibly an answer. No matter what, you need to start loving yourself and never stop. Let go of anything holding you back and don't forget, you can accomplish anything if you put your mind to it.
This is probably the most relatable video I’ve ever seen on c-PTSD. Thank you for sharing so honestly. My brain is amazed every time I find ppl who understand because they’ve lived it, too.
For sure! Even goes some way to making up for living in a society where even the health professionals didn't know what was going on inside you.
OHhhhh, Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (sometimes called complex PTSD or c-PTSD), is an anxiety condition that involves many of the same symptoms of PTSD along with other symptoms.
to anyone that has survived SA please do not beat yourself up over not being able to conjure anger and fawning in the moments you are threatened. i have been SA'd three times and while ive gotten better at disengaging and critical thinking I still fawn in threatening situations. its our bodies trying to help us. The last thing we need after this is to blame ourselves for things we couldve done better.
Exactly. The alternative is risking murder sometimes!
Thank you so much. This feels so compassionate and healing. I've never heard the hellscape of CPTSD so well explained. I hate lying and feel guilty about it, so I tend to freeze and procrastinate when at a loss for what to do/how to be honest in a way that people will understand, but then I know I'll be judged for my lengthy absence/inaction and end up making up a lie about THAT anyway to not seem lazy and uncaring after having inexplicably gone incommunicado. It's so disheartening sometimes 😭🤯☹️
Could not relate more. It’s such a wide-reaching beast!
I do this in almost every aspect of my life.
So seen. Thank you.
It’s so impressive that you’re able to articulate this appletree! This explains my life dilemma so well. Thank u.
@@alyqat4 Thank you!
The chronic pain piece is really important.
Being shamed as a kid for being inconveniently in pain from migraines was a core experience for me. I still struggle to inform employers and friends about my migraines.
I can relate. I had undiagnosed chronic stomach issues for about a decade. I learned to ignore my body’s issues and that has caused even more problems
I get it. My mom described me as having a "low threshold for pain." So all my life I've feared that I was just being weak for wanting pain management. I got better about seeking help, but I assumed that others feel the way my mom did.
@@karenoldham8259 what many people don't understand is that an individual's pain threshold is purely a physiological factor, and nothing to do with emotions or "being weak". This has been scientifically proven. ❤️
It makes it really hard for people who genuinely do have a lower pain threshold because society demands that we be strong. 🤦🏻♀️
I am fortunate to have a relatively high pain threshold, but I was a nurse for many years and I have seen the broad spectrum of people's experiences in my work.
I currently work as both a counsellor, and a part time early childhood educator, and I can observe these differences in my clients and my children as well.
Hugs to you and I hope you continue to heal and become emotionally stronger. ❤️
Yup, My debilitating asthma & stomach issues were a “burden” 😔
I have Crohn’s. I started showing symptoms at 5, shortly after having scarlet fever. I didn’t get diagnosed formally until almost 30 because so many doctors gaslit my mom into thinking I was faking it… because ‘little girls lie and exaggerate to get what they want.’ I was in and out of the hospital and kept feeling like nobody believed me and was more mad when I was sick than concerned. Nobody said that out loud but I could tell. So I just learned to hide it. Eventually I believed I was faking it.
As a shamebound person with CPTSD who has been dissociating pretty much her whole life, these videos speak to my soul in a way that I didn't think was possible until finding Pete Walker's CPTSD book. Thank you so much for overcoming hell in order to be able to help me do the same, your content makes life seem possible.
I felt that I didn't matter cuz I'm poor 😢
Kind of disassociating right now because you just explained me in ways that I didn't even realize about myself and it's emotionally overwhelming to me. I'm 43 and only learned what CPTSD was earlier this year. I eliminated a large portion of my lying in my twenties because it all caught up with me. Naturally I assumed that I was just a terrible person and that lying was just another sign of what a terrible person I am. I still cannot bring myself to say out loud that I am a good person, it's too deeply ingrained into me that I'm nothing but a reject of a human being. But I'll get there one day. Especially with the help of videos like yours. Thank you, liked and subscribed.
I can relate to that a lot. Being a good person, being loveable and especially the message "You are loved, no matter what" can make me burst into tears instantly. Can't even write this without starting to cry.
And I am 59 searching for why I cannot experience joy like others, and I why I keep making same mistakes and discovering how my childhood trauma still affects me today is AMAZING
hey there, coming to your comment a month later, but I feel you so strongly on this. Its extremely hard to accept love and say it over myself and to myself. Its alien. also about the lying. I was a chronic liar as a kid and even into my 20s. All of it caught up to me and I stopped for the most part.
@@Nattroka I can't hear those words either without tearing up.. and not much later will be in the same hole I put myself in.. its a hellscape indeed.
You too are worthy of love, it is your birthright and a most natural state 🙏💓
I am 50 years old and have been through a ton of healing. Yet, it has been rare to hear voices like yours that are understanding of the trauma that I have endured as a child (and adult). Years of hearing that I was not normal for not being able to do what other could and how they did them... I cannot tell you how relieving to hear, even just one voice that says: It is okay, there is nothing wrong with you. It is okay to do life your way. You are worthy of love. I have told and do tell myself these things. Often. But to hear it from someone else... it is like a salve for my wounds.
Thanks! Wow I’m 57 and your words may as well come from my mouth. I’ve begun the journey. Thanks for breaking this down in a very real way.
At 47, I only recently joined the dots and came to the realisation that I must have been so afraid of my father's unpredictable temper, that I have fawned my way through most of my life. People think I'm this smiley, agreeable, mild person, but I'm not. He gave me the impression that I was difficult, and I believed it, and I think it made me imagine that great danger lay in authenticity, when someone who loved me could be provoked to out of control levels of rage over almost nothing. I've been a prisoner of this behaviour, and it's made me so sad not to be known. By the way you are soooo on the money with your observation about automatic covering-up (lying). I notice that even when I'm ill, I'm more likely to say that my car's broken down as to why I can't be somewhere. It's a feeling that I won't be excused.
Wow! This is so on point! Thank you ❤️
My dad also had an unpredictable temper. I was always on eggshells and super jumpy. When I would startle, he'd yell at me more. I had undiagnosed ADHD which made things worse. I often heard my dad say, " What are you? Stupid?"
💕It’s so hard!
I also played the happy-go-lucky role, too, but recognized that under that very thin veneer was explosive rage that could pop out at any time. I would "go from zero to a hundred" in a millisecond.
I have far less rage now. I get angry, I can be bitter. I fight depression and am still in a grieving state which feels like it will never end. But I don't feel on the verge of exploding all the time. Why?
Because I stopped blaming myself. I forgave myself. I have absolved myself. I was a child. Even as a teen, I was a child, dependent on the people who both kept me alive, fed and clothed who also made me fear them suddenly removing me from the planet. The dichotomy was too much for my young mind to handle, which IMO is one major reason why I developed so many memory issues. How can someone say "I love you" while literally torturing you? Must've been a dream.
Yesterday, for the first time in my 36 years of living on this planet, I went to see a Clinical Psychologist because the pain in my mind and body are unbearable. I finally gave up and asked for help, the psychologist told me I've been suffering from PTSD and the roots go back as old as my childhood (I chose not to mention the "events of trauma" here). Next week I'm going to have some screenings, Psychopathy test and whatnot to determine the severity of my PTSD and to provide ways to get me to mental recovery. I just found out that asking for help is not a weakness, asking for help is also you being strong and brave. I love you all..
Talk therapy can make it worse in many cases. Ketamine therapy really helped me.
Congrats for asking for help! Really proud of of you. Sometimes we need to hit rock bottom to start looking for the way out, and for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Well done for seeking help! You wont reget it. Warm Regards from Aus 💚
@@ApocalypseYesterday What's Ketamine therapy if I may ask? Not heard of it till now! Greetings from Aus
@@ezlow1065 ketamine is an anesthetic that has psychedelic qualities. It has been used for decades in the ER and in combat hospitals. It has been shown to encourage neuroplasticity in a way that greatly reduces ptsd symptoms. The gold standard is 6 IV or intramuscular injections within 2-3 weeks with a couple days between treatments. It’s a very strange experience. They up the dosage each treatment to the point where you leave your body. I experienced forgiveness and could feel loved for the the first time in decades. The effects can be permanent or long term. I have had to return for “booster” treatments twice. And they have set me straight both times. I encourage you to do as much digging on the subject as possible. I know other traumatized people who are so much better now. The 6 treatments ran me about $2300.
The way you framed the fawn response/people pleasing is SO helpful! I struggled with those terms because they're often described as denying what we want in the moment, but for me it was always more like you described- in the moment I internally "want" what the other person wants or whatever will make them feel satisfied. And sometimes in the moment I CAN'T even pinpoint what I want. I'll know I have a preference but won't be able to access it in my brain.
Perfectly chosen EVERY WORD!!
I finally realized at age 55 that I had learned from infancy that love meant loyalty to the lies and secrets of caregivers. The day I realized it was the day I finally broke free from that compulsive loyalty to all kinds of other people. I saw that I had a free will as an adult and did not want to be loyal on that level. Rather than blaming others I finally saw that my loyalty was my own choice.
I've come to realize the things I'm most ashamed of are due to me not being able to open and honest with my family by asking for help out of a situation that was over my head.
Let your children talk to you.
💚
I talked, everybody knew, nobody listened, so I stopped talking
the situation is life. they helped us drown by using us to stay afloat. they were useless at helping us. they were drowning too.
@@rascallyrabbitthat is perfectly put.
My parents never wanted to hear it.
@@mywifesboyfriend5558neither did mine.
Thank you for seeing me, and for the empathy. My alcoholic dad would beat us horribly if we lied (or he decided that we were lying, even if we were just traumatized/dissociating) so my brain stopped giving me information that my dad was likely to want a report on. If I didn't know it, I couldn't lie about it. Really maladaptive. I'm almost 40 now, and I'm working on unlearning that behavior.
I'm 43 years old, a 79' model, I am just learning about CPTSD, scapegoating, neglect and the chaotic home this year. I knew my childhood was deeply unhappy, but I didn't realize how much it had affected me in my adult life expressed in the depressions, relationships, and dysfunctions of those relationships until now.
The sense of validation these videos give me is such a relief! I'm not too sensitive, I didn't imagine it, I'm not making up stories, I'm not crazy. I WAS mistreated by the very people that should have been nurturing me and protecting me from harm.
Even as an adult it's hard to believe that I will never get an admission of guilt from my parent/parents, let alone an apology - but I will NEVER stop wanting one because it was my parents. But I won't ever get it,. It even on deathbed because narcissists hide from themselves.
I'm sending out a healing prayer for everyone that had bad parents. We have to love ourselves hard enough that we don't need them anymore. 💕
Time to heal our inner children we are the parents now❤
79 model here too. My childhood was utter chaos until I found myself homeless at 17. I've been working for a few years ti fight through the pain I still dwell in. It's something I work at daily. I always feel like suicide is one step behind me. Like I'm one stupid decision away from eating a bullet
@@davidphillips9726 I actually used the phrase eat a bullet last week - but it was in a very week moment.
I've decided I'm just not going to let them win. I'm stubborn/strong willed/determined enough that the life they set in motion for me is not the life I am going to lead. I'm setting goals and I'm leading it MY way. It's a struggle, and it's not a trivial thing - but every day this girl makes her bed, then gets dressed to face the world with a smile even when I don't feel like smiling.
The feeling Does follow the action. It works.
Your parents probably had "bad parents" just keep that in mind. Generational trauma
@adriennemailloux6856
This does not help, leaves the inner child with no hope. Anger is truth and the pain was real. A cliche is nonsense
You're making a positive difference in the world, Heidi.
Thank you so much for this video. I'm crying alone in my room right now because despite truly believing that I've done a lot of work to understand and heal, there are so many aspects of myself that I'm STILL unaware of and don't have under control... this is also the first time I've ever really felt "seen". I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, C-PTSD, insomnia, disassociation... and I feel like a fraud. I know that I've gone through many things that others may have not, but I also know that I am blessed in countless ways... it's hard for me to reconcile with myself and escape from constantly feeling like an imposter. Thank you so much for an honest video that's so full of grace. I hope you are healthy and happy as well!
I think you're incredibly brave sharing what you have. I so relate to imposter syndome or should I say survivor behaviour. Go well! 💚
I know this would sound strange to people who do not experience C-ptsd, but I’m so glad your crying! Such a breakthru. 🥰
Wow! Such a clear representation of the inner workings of someone suffering from C-PTSD. I would also say that a common thing I've done for a long time is MINIMIZING a situation, a feeling, my interest, the impact, or the importance. A lot of my anxiety over the years came from magnification - I would take a mildly distressing thing and crank it up to 11. My therapist has helped me "right size" things. So grateful for good compassionate support. (which I finally feel I deserve!)
To this day I can not not understand why a parent would repeat thousands of times to a 5 year old child that they are a worthless piece of trash who will never amount to anything, will never do anything right, and can't do anything without first being verbally abused. But my father did that. He told me that from the age of 4 or 5 until I cut contact with him when I was 30. I don't understand it and I probably never will, why a parent would do that to their own child. All I know is that I am still struggling so hard with the consequences its had on my life, it has taken away years and years of my life, made it impossible to survive without constantly being in a crisis, made it feel impossible to love or be loved by anyone. This video clarified a lot for me. Thank you.
You typed out, to this young lady, nearly, my thoughts exactly.
I love you for it, thank you.
Unfortunately, the adults/parents who do this to children are usually themselves carrying a lot of emotional trauma, have likely never seen good communication or parenting modelled, and so pass it down to the children in their care.
Im so sorry that the person who was supposed to love you and care for you was such a rotten piece of work. I hope you remind that little child inside that none of those ugly words he said are or were EVER true. I will never understand those terrible excuses for humans either but im glad you’re here 🤍 I wish you all the best and lots of love and healing
The answer is so simple. It's because the parent is Trash and didn't amount to...and simply projecting on you.
I think narcissistic parents often do that to their own children because they see their children as an extension of themselves and not as actual individuals. I feel like - perhaps - they truly are feeling that way about THEMSELVES but their ego is too fragile for them to confront it (I do think some forms of narcissistic behavior are caused by deep-seated insecurities rather than an ACTUAL holier-than-thou mindset). I wonder if they think that they will be able to control the damage those words actually cause if they truly see their child as an extension of themselves...maybe that's why it often seems so cavalier. Some children of narcissists can solidify this kind of thinking by participating in the dance and trying to please them after the fact. That's what I accidentally did, at least!
I can’t get over how extraordinary this video is. I’d like to write a sort of summary of it and publish it to direct more people to it.
One thing you say in it is extremely important to my mind: how important it is to find people you can be authentic with. I believe if you come from a background where there was substance abuse and emotional abuse etc. gaslighting etc. and being programmed not to trust your instinct etc. you may feel like the right people to try to get approval from and have relationships with are people who behave in the same way as the people from past situations. In ever-repeating situations, you try to repeat the old situation(s) because it is what you subconsciously feel is how it should be and you are trying to get a new chance at being sufficiently acceptable and lovable. It’s just so immensely hard sometimes to change this patterning. But then suddenly someone who you vaguely know has struggled with something similar asks you how you are and you notice yourself being honest. It may not even be that what you say is so different. I seem to have moved from denying everything and revealing nothing to regressing into a childlike state, answering any question no matter how inappropriate or invasive truthfully and in detail. The difference seems to be at least to me that there is this odd feeling if not feeling separate and hateful with the person who have similar experiences or who for some other reason can emotionally attune to what I feel. For me, this other feeling (of being attuned to, of feeling accepted and understood, etc.) has often felt unbearable and wrong, like it made me feel disgusted and want to get away from the person as quickly as possible. I’ve done anything my whole life it seems to make sure I return to the situations where people treat me disrespectfully and unkindly and where I am constantly preoccupied with trying to figure out how to be for them to approve of me. I can’t express how sad it makes me to think of this. It almost feels sometimes like this big part of my conscious self doesn’t even want to change and move forward to try to see if it could be true that there is another way to feel and live. It makes me so sad that I have wasted all this time and for some reason instead of this making me want to quickly move toward a healthier and better situation in every respect, it is like I can’t get over how bad it has been. This makes me feel self-critical and I feel ashamed, and then immediately I begin feeling like I am just exaggerating anyway and the things that happened to me weren’t that bad, and, all the bad things that have happened are not evidence of C-PTSD, attachment wounding, and complex trauma, but they were just things that happened because I am inherently bad and selfish, etc. and that is why I have kept ruining things and am not able to get things to work. And that the fact that I watch videos like this is just further evidence of my bad nature: I’m just trying to blame it on other things, even to the point of diagnosing myself with C-ptsd.
I don’t know how to explain it but it’s a bit like if you have walked your entire life in these immensely uncomfortable shoes that were too small and hurt your feet with every step because you didn’t know there were shoes that were your size and that we’re comfortable to wear, that didn’t give you blisters, that even didn’t have to feel like you were wearing shoes, or that could give you extra support and cushioning, and enable you to go for long walks and even run marathons. And then one day someone tells you that there are shoes like this and instead of doing anything you can to try to change into shoes like this, you find yourself stubbornly holding onto the shoes that hurts you. It feels like this for me.
You are not bad. You're good! Jesus loves you ❤
OH MY GOD. YOU JUST WROTE EVERYTHING IN MY SOUL. jesus fucking christ. it’s so painful and lonely and yet someone else out there knows exactly what it’s like. wow.
"I'm fine". Masking the abuse at school or around other adults so I wouldn't be separated from my sister (who I was raising) or worse. To this day, I can't let people know I'm not ok, or that I need help, because I fear some unseen threat or judgment from abusers who died decades ago.
I wish they had a ‘care’ button on here the way they do on other platforms. That struggle to communicate when things aren’t okay resonates deeply, as does the deeply conditioned/ingrained nature of it. I’m sorry that’s been your experience and appreciate you sharing it here, I imagine it’s something many people living with cptsd may relate to.
I cannot admit that I would ever need help. It causes me so much shame to even think that I need help and feel as if I would die if I actually admitted to it.
If you want, we can connect on a platform you're comfortable with and you can save my contact as "person I can tell I'm not ok to" and you can practise that with me. Maybe it'll help seeing someone genuinelly cares and making a repeated experience of sharing what isn't ok that is actually a positive experience.
Step into the light.
🥺💜 I get this
I LOVE you and the crappy childhood fairy, she makes videos about CPTSD! So glad you decided to make this :)
I love crappy childhood fairy too! She’s been a fantastic resource for me. It feels like an honour to be appreciated in the same comment as her, haha. I’m so happy you found this valuable! 🤗
I agree! Both this channel & crappy childhood fairy are my best resources for healing my childhood trauma.
I love Crappy Childhood Fairy too! 😃
Wow. This has me in tears. This is absolutely so incredible, so eye opening. Thank you so much.
This video of yours dear girl is such a blessing, it made me cry and think of myself, and my daughters. I recognized the "loyal to a fault" to the abuser. I recognized as the "scapegoat" child, how much trouble telling the truth could get me into. I recognized the inability to caretake my physical self, because it was drilled into me that my pain didn't matter. It was not only minimized, but made fun of. I had the most raging case of endometriosis from the age of 15 to 19, it was ignored, minimized, and I was shamed for it. By the time I got to college, a Doctor put me on Darvocet and Demerol, drugs so potent that they are no longer manufactured. During my sophomore year I was finally able to go on the pill and fined physical resolution.
Growing up dealing with a Communal Narcissist mother, an Absentee father, childhood sexual abuse that was swept under the rug, and a fractured multi generational family dynamic, created my initial CPTSD. To spite learning disabilities that were again ignored, ostracized, or belittled, (I'm Dyslexic) I managed to get into AP classes by my senior year, and go to the college of my mother's choice.
While other freshman were seeking out dates, parties and classes I sought out the Psychologist I knew I was a mess and that there was a lot to unpack. I left school after two years to get as far away as humanly possible.
Fast forward now in my early 60's, I and many other women in my age range, are finally understanding, "Trauma Bonding", "Narcissistic Personality" disorders, and the how and why we ended up battered wives, and the patterns we couldn't help to not perpetuate. The veil has been lifted. Many of us ended up with Auto Immune diseases and we again were told, "it's all in your head". It angered us, but we prevailed to raise our children as single mothers, often with no child support and society looking down us. But we survived! Unraveling our own CPTSD continues. I used to say Parenting is about Protecting your kids, nurturing your kids and Damage control. Trying to not damage them in the ways we were..... 20/20 Hind sight clears up much of the confusion, but it doesn't undo the trauma I caused to my own children, from my being married to an abuser for 4 years, (who turned into a stalker after the Divorce) or their trauma caused by my own CPTSD, physical illness, trauma causing natural disasters , (hurricanes and floods), Bullies at school, all the moving, to stay "safe" and so forth. I will get that book, and send a copy to each daughter, so Thank you. My young women are strong and resilient and I got a lot right. They are thriving in many aspects. But we are not as close as we once were, and there are many wounds to be healed still. I don't want them to have this come back on them later, because of the "I'm fine syndrome", which they unfortunately they learned that from me. We as women of the 70's, were brainwashed to buy into the notion that "love means never having to say you're sorry" and Nothing could be further from the truth. None of us can undo the damage but perhaps we can shine our inner light on the issues as you have, and make just one facet at a time better.
You’re comment touched me. I wish my mother had your self awareness. I do not know you but you have already done so much to try to heal yourself and your daughters. Some people don’t even try anything. My mom is one of them I realize. I always thought my dad was the issue ( I grew up in a cult but didn’t know it- but my mother was secular and wasn’t made to be in the cult). I realized my dad was only able to get away with his abuse because my mother let him. I’m 46 and I’m just realizing that now. You are pretty amazing. Thank you for opening up with your comment.
I remember my dad was relatively nice but if he said what's wrong and you started crying or making a sad face or you didn't say you're fine if he asked are you ok he would get upset it's like he took our ability to be sad and vulnerable away from us now I'm a borderline
@@strangelitgirl you doing this work is something I think your daughters will be proud of if not now in future. Hopefully u can all heal each other n you are setting a great example. The idea if love meaning you never have to say you're sorry never even made sense to me as a kid( I'm 56) and it certainly doesnt now with more life experience. To the contrary. Real love means caring about the other person enough to humble yourself enough to apologize to those you have hurt nit gaslighting them into thinking their oversensitive n worse. I have noticed in the card stores they have section for almost any kind of card and for all ages from birthdays, religious holidays, mother's n father's day, wedding, new baby, Halloween,st Patrick's,secretary's day, graduation, congrats in new home bereavement,get well, good bye n good luck cards to someone leaving the office but not one apology card. That says a lot.
@@leahflower9924 yea I think parents should learn before they even have kids to not take every feeling n thought a child has to be about them. I think too often parents take everything personally so a child being upset as all children n all people naturally will be makes them feel guilty or shame somehow even when they shouldn't. So they make it worse by reacting poorly.
The decisions & choices I've made have allowed me to survive. I understand me and accept all that i have done and why . I also recognize the greater world would not understand and would judge what allowed me to survive, increadibly harshly. This is an extraordinarily lonely place and way to live. Your abundant awareness of this has made me feel genuinely understood and not alone. Thank you 🙂
Touche'
Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families along with yoga Nidra has helped me get into my body and regulating my nervous system.
I realized that I was in such desperate need of creating a safe space where I could give myself the space to know what my true feelings are.
Meditation and deep breath work has continued to bring peace to my inner trauma.
I have the fawn response in relationships and I hate it. Stems from childhood issues and was solidified by an abusive marriage to a point that I legitimately have no idea what I want (only when I'm in a relationship, otherwise I'm thankfully fine). I also subconsciously micro analyze the other person and adapt (even though I don't want to!). I then feel like I'm not alone in my brain. This is why I steer clear of relationships atm. I hate not feeling like myself and being in a relationship triggers me way too much, still.😭
I burst into tears when you said “You are worthy of trying and failing” ❤️🩹
I live with chronic complex PTSD due directly to a very abusive & traumatic childhood. I was the family scapegoat and at same time as eldest of 6 children, expected to care for younger siblings, babysit, cook, clean and shop from as young as age 4. Everything you describe completely resonates. I have learned to recognise the patterns - I give myself days off when physical & emotional health is impacted - lethargy is the worst and frustration with myself for not being a "proper" person. Splitting is often an issue until we learn to recognise that it's happening. Chronic lying was the survival strategy for the first 30 years of my life - I felt people just wouldn't understand and those I disclosed to previously, said they didn't believe me and that impacted me very badly. Thank you for sharing.
We are extremely similar. I wish you understanding, a loving community, pure love, self-forgiveness, and lots of restoration. Just as I wish this for myself.
Sorry they didn't believe you
I feel like there should be a separate category of scapegoating where people who experience that were both the cause of all of one parent's struggles/therefore the whole family's struggles and ALSO responsible for fixing everything. So not the "locked in a basement" kind of scapegoating but this other type where you are both expected to save everyone in the family from having to do any work on their own AND expected shoulder all the blame for anything that goes wrong because you are somehow just basically "wrong" yourself. It's parentification as well as scapegoating, I suppose. (A Cinderella situation??)
Once I found this video and took in the information, the relief was like the peace that comes after a terrible storm, being given a warm blanket, some cocoa, and the embrace of a loving mother saying "it's OK, baby; we've got this!" but me-to-me. BLESS YOU!
This was the most validating, affirming video ive ever found in the self healing genre. Thank you. You GET IT.
'survival lies' is a really interesting concept. Thank you for sharing it with us and being responsive to your listeners.
Once I realized how abnormal my upbringing was I began to notice my chameleon traits. When I first noticed it I wrote it off as mirroring, polite communication. I finally realized I had no idea what my normal was.
Me too…chameleon, often imitating how people around me behave in order to figure out what is normal.
I'm almost 60 and just recently started therapy. I grew up that you don't talk about your problems or "air the dirty laundry". A life time of lying by omission to others and project that "perfect family" is a hard thing to overcome.
Glad I found this.
I am 62 yrs old and have lived with cptsd my whole life. It feels too late to alter the course of my life. I feel so much shame and cannot stop seeing myself as a failure. In deep despair -helpless and hopeless like a bottomless pit. Deep psychic pain. It’s exhausting.
Thank you.
I’m 62! Can we finish well? With help, maybe.
It’s never too late so long as you are here and breathing!
Please don't give up. ❤️
Same age, same trauma history. Together we stand strong in surviving. You are not alone in spirit. Know that.
💝
Being honest with myself is what brought me here. I feel safe enough and tired of my addictions now to actually be humble enough to see myself & hear my own thoughts. I got bitter and very negative during 2020-2023. So happy to see the shame and guilt I hid now I am starting fresh like a baby 😅
This is the best information I've ever heard about CPDTD behaviors in adults. I've been to several psychiatrists and psychologists for treatment and never got this kind of explanation and understanding. Thank you, Heidi. Your communication of this subject is clear, well articulated and explained, and your examples understandable. Thank you so much. Also thanks for the book references.
Yep, I say this all the time, traditional therapy is not good enough and has to evolve ASAP!! The info i found online has helped me immensely and has literally changed my life. No therapist has ever been able to help me as much as the internet. + My last therapist was so shocked by my self-awareness (!) I mean, she should have just looked it up, it was all over the internet! The online communities in reddit have been extremely helpful too.
When people are abusing you you have to keep silent because whenever you expose them it comes back on you and you are to blame. You have to take however they define you however false because they will gang up on you and back you into a corner. Then you find nearly everyone you know is abusing you and you are lucky to find any refuge. You long for escape but they won’t let you escape or get back to normal. This never ends, it will go on until you die.
The Crappy Childhood Fairy is also a great resource.
It's worth being in poverty not having to go to work anymore and living off of Social Security. I'm sitting back at age 65 pondering and healing and videos like yours are very very helpful! Great information! Good day!🤠
You are literally changing lives by sharing this information. I’m almost 30 and I’ve been looking for these answers for so long.
Thank you for all that you do
I don't think I have complex PTSD, but I can relate to some of these. I think in this country, we're told to suck it up if we're in pain or not feeling well. I remember being a kid in school and my teacher saying I was faking it when I had a cough. That was obviously something that stuck with me to this day and I still feel like I have to explain myself when I take a day off from work.
Something similar happened to me ieaas 7 I felt nauseated and asked to use the bathroom.teavher said oh stop your fine .and I promptly vomited all over her the person Infront of me and the floor .screams from the class and Iwas still admonished afterwards for not telling her properly😢 .
Sorry to you both!!! Ugh I totally get that having to explain yourself thing. I am 43 and just now trying to train myself to stop this! They don’t care about the explanation anyway! It won’t change their idiotic thoughts of you. I also have endless stories like these myself, and family & friends! So f’n sick of “adults” treating children as though they’re faking!! And why do ya suppose they think that way? 🤔 hmmm maybe because they’re the fakers! And stupid adults think everyone is just like them & does what they do😤
im so sorry you had those experiences... its so detached from logic, to refuse to acknowledge a cough?? how more obvious can it be....???
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
Yes, dr.sporesss. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
I wish they were readily available in my place.
Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac.
He's constantly talking about killing someone.
He's violent. Anyone reading this Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.
Is he on instagram?
Yes he is. dr.sporesss
I started weeping during your explanation of what you want to say to someone with CPTSD and toxic shame… I am that person. This entire video was illuminating, but that moment felt like a supernova.
I’m crying because I keep telling my husband that I have a distorted view of myself and I don’t understand why. I need him to tell me how I really am because I get so confused. This is crazy, thank you for validating this experience
I used to barely date a younger man who told me that he relied on me to give him valuable feedback about himself. It hurt my feelings at the time because I realized he liked me for him, and not for me, if that makes sense. I understand better now how important our relationship was to him, but I couldn’t live with being his mirror.
I remember asking a friend when I was around ten years old how she saw me. That is pretty sad. A ten year old kid needing to be mirrored an validated by a peer when parents don’t do their job.
@@maryfrances1307 I'm the other side of that. I still have very strong desires to get back together from an 11 year long relationship after 3 years of being apart but it's a constant struggle to even comprehend how much of it is to be with her (it was an abusive relationship) or to have my mirror back because these 3 years have been unbearable and has only gotten me very very close to suicide.
That’s borderline personality disorder
@@99sinsread “co-dependent no more” you are worthy of a good life! Never give up
I am 73 and have actively sought mental health help. For 40 years I weekly saw some MSW or PhD. This video! It's me!! More than anything else in all these years.❤ Can I contact Heidi? ? Many thanks😊
Thank you Darling 🙏
To all my trauma siblings: Hold on. Practice makes Perfect and if we are all here, it means we started to practice. We will get there! 💚💗💚
Yes!🎉
I watch a lot of psychology and trauma videos/ted talks etc. And I have never heard anyone touch of this, and definitely not in such great detail and understanding. It hit home a lot. As someone with fibromyalgia and C-PTSD, I feel you.Thank you
Wow! The fawn response has landed me in a lot of trouble over the years.
Halfway through this video and I am sobbing. This narrative of myself being a liar has been weighing on me. Thank you for your brilliance and knowledge
me too, this was eye opening
Most people lie if they're done wrong or if they feel they will be judged or shamed if that person or the numerous other people they may) could conceivably tell either offhandedly or if they one day are upset or mad at you for something . Even if it's something you really shouldn't be ashamed of at all or very little. It could even be things having nothing to do with u directly but your family etc. I agree we have to find some people to be fully real with and I'm lucky to have few of these people but most I have to keep more at a distance and honestly at my age...mid 50's this may well explain why people don't easily make new friends or good aquatintances... lot of people probably feeling it isn't safe to be themselves. The older you are the more likely something has happened in your life you're not comfortable sharing but is pretty big that it feels disingenuous to know someone well n spend good deal of time with them without them knowing. Now so many people also go online where they can be anonymous so even less reason for people to take a chance on honest, authentic real world relationships. Sad but explains a lot.
Self awareness is important. Good luck and God bless!
Never felt something so comforting and anxiety provoking at the same time. Thanks for the video.
Every adult should be required to watch this video. Thank you
Amazing insight. I have made it so far that I've been able to say that "I prefer talking to strangers over letting people get close, because this way, I have the opportunity to leave out all the messy chaotic, negative and unsavory medical AND life garbage that I've lived through".
I have a chance to feel..."normal".
I learned more from you in two hours of videos than from going to therapy for two years 😅 I now understand where a lot of my behaviors are rooted and I think you showed me the path to healing. The UA-cam algorithm is absolutely amazing, you popped up in my suggestions at the exact time I needed it and I have no words to describe the appreciation I have for you. These ideas/concepts need to be heard by SO many more people
Keep on keepin' on, friend :)
Soo...this is a lot to process but it's also everything I've always needed to understand and I'm appreciative.
literally same. so thankful for this girl.
Toxic manipulators blur loyalty with putting up with. Keep your tolerance for mistreatment low and your boundaries for self respect high.
It is not so much lying but not being able to speak up for myself and operate within healthy boundaries.
@@gretchenburton7184 For me, it was a freeze and fawn response in combination, out of necessity.
Two of my older siblings could be horribly violent at any given moment, so I’d just freeze in shock and acquiesced to whatever was happening so the violence would hopefully stop sooner.
Hit the spot...
I am 41 years old, knew I was different from others and only now figured out i have CPTSD and fearable avoidant. Thank you....for this video.. learning learning
Finding you videos changed my life, for the first time i see myself as a normal human who has trauma, instead of a freak of nature who has to hold back who i am in order to protect myself and others. Thank you so much, i feel like i belong for the first time in my life!
It’s difficult to properly find words for how much I appreciate this comment. The exact shift you’re describing here has been the greatest internal revolution of my own life and I’m so glad it’s happening for you too. I feel honoured to have played any part at all in it.
@@heidipriebe1 Thank you so much for this!🤗
I can not believe how accurate this is for me. I'm just starting on my journey with this. I never realized the magnitude of abuse i had. There's so many things I thought were normal but knew that they weren't. There's so many layers.
What an amazing example, of the search for self insight combined with an altruistic desire to help others. Hats off to young lady. Spectacular. 👏🖖💕
“they have this fragmented and disoriented sense of who they are, Because their true self was not mirrored back properly to them”
Hit the nail on the head there. One roadblock to my healing is that I gaslight myself into doubting my trauma, all because because the nature of it consisted of mostly POSITIVE language - just used in extremely inappropriate contexts. In a nutshell, getting positive feedback and "love" during the times I felt most uncomfortable. Both my family members and my school bullies did this in a variety of ways.
Thank you for this quote. I will start using it to validate myself whenever I find myself doubting the seriousness of my experience.
What do you mean by this
@@hampster0171 for example, an older sibling would say and do abusive things, but then my parents would enable the behavior by saying things like "you know she loves you" and "you can be the bigger person here" and "families forgive because we love each other" or "we wont take sides because we love you both so much and we love you equally" Instead of making the person take accountability for actions that harmed other family members, this loving language was used to twist the narrative. So, i grew up thinking i was not seeing love correctly for having a problem with this, and that there was something wrong with me
Where is that quote from?
Thank you for this video. As the family scapegoat, I have learned to fawn in my entire life. Not anymore. Great video!
Thanks Heidi, I almost cried when you talked about feeling ashamed for not knowing the normal stuff others learn early in life in their families. I was always covering up for not knowing and for being neglected by my parents, like it was my fault they are so screwed up. I feel so sad for little me and for older me going through this feeling of inadequacy through all my life. And a sense of relief that it wasn't me, it wasn't my fault the way I was treated as a child 😮💨
I also refer to my “childhood” as “when I was Little” and “Little me” and I recognize that it really speaks to the fact that we did Not have a childhood, just a time when we were small…. 💔
The biggest lies I told were to myself that I was doing okay despite everything that happened. You can never outrun it. It's always there.
Thank you, Heidi for your channel. Pete Walker's book was a huge blessing for me. I'm an over-achieving lawyer with both CPTSD and ADHD (narcissistic mama, growing up in a doomsday cult) and didn't really understand my behaviors until I read Pete Walker's book. This is a great video. So many of us are people-pleasing, wearing whatever mask we need to get through the moment.
Thank you for addressing this. My childhood was all secrets and lies
I can't tell you how much this has opened my eyes and helped me understand why things have always been such a struggle to 'fit in'. Learning this, combined with finally accepting I've had CPTSD since childhood is life changing. Thank you, Heidi.
psychedelics cure this
This is a bullseye for me! I can see all the dysregulation, school didn’t work so well. Lied to keep the peace and fit in. Until I mastered breathwork with a 10 minute breath hold was I able to heal the dysregulated nervous system. The triggers still remained so I have been doing the shadow work to finish off this trauma response. Never heard of C PTSD but it all aligns for the majority of my life until recently. Sharing this knowledge is so helpful at identifying our behavior, thank you!!!
I recently came to realize the depth of the trauma I experienced as a child. I’ve spent most of my life convincing myself that everything is okay. It’s really not- but I learned to cope young (appeasing, fawning, escaping and yes-lying) I think the main reason I feel like I have to lie, is because trying to cope with my anxiety is not something I feel I can explain to others (or confront honestly) so it comes out as “I don’t feel good” and then I go curl into a ball until I have to get up and deal again. It was a weird revelation that I’ve spent my life doing this sort of thing, without seeing it for what it is. I just want to be left alone and for no one to worry or think about me.
It’s actually being a parent that has caused me to address any of this
I hope you feel better and recover
God bless you for breaking generational curses!!
When my older daughter was born, I was back in the frying pan, having gotten divorced from her extremely multi-dimensionally abusive father. I remarried (the woman my mother wanted me to, for sickening reasons) and had a second child. When I would be annoyed with her for crying while I was busy with something, I found myself saying heartlessly cruel things to this little baby, for reasons I didn't understand and was unable to stop.
I did stop rather quickly. It has always made me wonder if I heard those same things from my own mother when I was still a baby.
I can so relate. The reason I chose to not have children was because I was innately aware that I could barely take care of my (broken) self.
I've been loving your videos, Heidi. I've suffered from chronic pain for over 10 years now (cervical stenosis) and there are many days that I simply can't function, but I've found that isolating myself from friends and family makes lying about how I feel much easier - because no one is around to check on me! We have to laugh, otherwise we'll cry. Thank you for all the work you put into these videos and your channel, and for how concisely and deeply you explain each topic.
You just explained my relationship and substance use in a way that didn't make me feel bad about it. If only the world could see things that way
Self-medication is real
Wowwww!!! All my life I have lived this way. And have at times felt fraudulent. But a majority of the time it was a fear response. You are the first person on this planet who I feel actually gets it, and understands the difficulties that go along with it. I’ve watched a few of your videos and love your approach to topics such as “Fearful-Avoidant attachment styles in relationships”. I’m so happy I found your channel, as your videos are helping me on my healing journey. Thank you so much Heidi for all that you do, you are greatly appreciated 🙏👏🙌💖.
“Lying to fit in”, that’s why so many people think they know me when they couldn’t be any further off
Okay so i know this video is old but can i just say that this video just blew my mind… I thought I was AUTISTIC. I did recently get dx with ADHD which makes SO MUCH SENSE for how my brain works…. but this video alone explains 75% of the time i’ve been on earth. my adhd is just what’s made the cptsd harder to see. i thought i was a failure my whole life and had to try to blend in. i thought i was about to be ready to be out of therapy… i’m about to come up on three years in therapy. yaaaaaay there’s always more to unpack lol. but thank you SO MUCH for your honesty in this and your integrity with it. this changed my life. i’m not autistic, i have adhd and i really do have c-ptsd. (i know autism and ptsd are hard to separate because of how neurodivergent people are treated but for me, this personally helped me distinguish)
This is one of the most profound things I have learned just now as a 41 year old, also a psychology student. Thank you so much 🙏
No doubt, she has a brilliant way of conceptualizing things and then expressing them on such an authentic level.
@@flickwtchr I agree, the delivery was as good as the content. I've already bought the recommended book and can't wait to read it.
You're smart! 😊
"constantly triaging the next great emergency in your life" literally my life the past 5 years ever since i had to withdraw from university bc my mental health finally crashed after working every fri, sat, sun while going to school full time, bc i didn't have that financial support from family. and now i've been running on the constant "what's the next emergency" for the past 5 years.
Thank you!!! This is why my husband w CPTSD has lied so much. You were dead on with regards to childhood traumas. He was verbally and physically abused. I now understand.
I'm currently on a massive healing journey thanks to Complex PTSD and Late-diagnosed Autism. Made it a point to listen to this video while out running errands today. One of those errands is the book I bought, The Body Keeps Score. The book you mentioned I have to order, which I've also been recommended.
When I say I cried because had finally felt heard and validated by your words, I cried. I BAWLED. Since 2017 I've been on an increasing journey of self-discovery. The first thing I realized and wanted to change was the fact I needed to be more honest with myself. This has in turn had me being more honest, even when painful, instead of lying. Because I deserve to Thrive, and it's not fair the world literally threw me in survival from birth.
First thing I did for myself. Ever. At 27 years old. I'm crying again.
Thank you for this video. I'm hoping this helps some folks understand theirs or their loved ones' trauma to better support them and help them recover.
This all makes sense. It sucks, it's painful, it's infuriating, it's liberating, it's frustrating, it's euphoric, it's exhausting, it's isolating, it's unifying, and it's so necessary. I feel it, too. Even if it seems like it, you are not alone. I'm 26. Much care and empathy from Louisiana to wherever you are.
I'm a PK was raised in an extreme evangelical home where my sister was kicked out at 15 for not conforming and I, as a 10 year old, took on the responsibility for my entire dad's ministry to not suffer this same fate myself. Curious how many of us had our trauma come from the church and these kinds of religious fundamentalist upbringings - can anyone relate?
I relate to you , I was the "Golden Child" because I saw my brother being punished for not conforming to the religious abuse ,so lying to myself and to others was my way to survive.
I'm 28 years now and I am trying to get to know my true self, (I woke up to the abuse 3 years ago). This space is so healing 💗
Here here
Another PK here. I definitely relate!
@@thescheckshow4983 what is PK?
@@beatrixsullivan7086 pastors kid
Lying has been a means of survival. Getting through what was and still is unbearable pain, shame and guilt. Lies have wrecked many relationships but I am so scared to be that open because it has always led to bad things.