"Fawning" Is A Trauma Response That Leaves You Vulnerable to BAD TREATMENT.
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- Опубліковано 26 вер 2024
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Fawning is when you make yourself small, or act "nice" and like you're not hurt, as a way to cope with mistreatment. It's a fantasy that by being selfless, kind and helpful, you can make bad people be kind to you. It’s a common pattern for traumatized people that can keep old trauma wounds active, and keep you from healing. In this video I respond to a letter from a woman who keeps finding herself with hurtful, hateful people, and is ready to change her pattern.
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The problem is that when I call people out on their bad behaviour they can’t handle it. They deny, block, turn it around on me and pretend like I’m reacting. It sounds like narcissism, but this is most people, and I have encountered so many 🤔 i feel like there’s just not very many heathy people out there, does anyone else have a similar experience?
Yep 😑
Yeah you’re describing my parents
The real epidemic is trauma.
I have the same feeling.
It sounds narcissistic but you can say when someone really has the disorder and when someone doesn't have it full-blown.
Maybe they leave with narcs themselves and the bad attitude rubs off on others.
Anyway, it's not your fault the way they treat you but, please, do whatever you can do to protect yourself from them.
Oh yes. You are horribly targeted when you stand up for yourself.
I used to be so guilty of fawning. I am still susceptible to this. But now I catch myself and stop. The side effect of a lifetime of fawning is I can’t tell when I’m being insulted or disrespected. I never realize it until much later. Then later I feel like an idiot for not standing up for myself in the moment.
Don't, you aren't intentionally being rude or invading someone boundaries or being disrespectful but they are. They thrive and get to hide when we accept that we are mistreated because there's something wrong with us. There isn't, some people seek out people like us just because they love how it feels to insult someone to their face and be in a situation where it would be socially unacceptable to call them out. Don't feel badly, except for them for not working on their stuff.
Exactly me too!
Yep!
Samee ❤
So true. I remember things from way past and it still hurts me. Not to mention other incidents I recall now not realising I was being insulted. Or gaslighted. How innocent I was and trusting.
Fawning never works because bullies just see it as more of an opportunity to bully you. It is an unconscious behavior to try to create safety, so yes, bringing in awareness and staying in your power is a much better strategy with difficult people.
Fawning is fear based. People bully each other all the time, anyway. Therefore, to stop being a victim we need to change the reaction from fear, sadness and anger to laughter, mockery and self-approval.
We need to start mirroring what we get. Not trying to fix it.
And believe me, no matter what we do, people will dissaprove and disslike. No matter who we are and how we act.
Have some fun, bully them back.
Absolutely agree. Being powerful is the best strategy for dealing with those people's. Never faun with them. That's what they want to train you to
EXACTLY .
Anyone who wants to go back to a bully hairdresser is crazy in my view.
Who needs that?
Just never return.
@@nicolemurphy2629 Exactly!!!!! And we are talking about giving them giving them YOUR MONEY before you get up and leave the salon???? Heck no....
GUILTY. Fawning makes you feel lower than dirt afterward. At least you're here to show us a way out. Thank you, as always.
After a life of fawning, I realise it's so unhealthy because it is, essentially, dishonest.
I've finally realised that, as long as I like myself, love myself unconditionally, what others think of me matters a lot less than it once did.
You are right. It's actually dishonest. You are allowed to not like people who are unlikable!!!
@@NehaSharma-777yessss for heavens sake yes to this!!!
How Do I learn to love myself again after , well Everything I loved, cared about & valued basically, everything that made my life what it was and I love my life but it's all been taken from me from being deceived and setup legitly setup and if not proof of that it's not just me I literally have proof of that after four years I might my lovely career as a pediatric nurse being held against me even though I never ever had one bad evaluation ever and my 22-year career but one person and say one thing and then your whole life is like ruined you know. And then my husband dies at age 35 and I have to find them try to speak CPR him as his vomiting all in my mouth and it's just horrible I don't even know how to get through that I had to get back to work 5 days after that cuz I didn't get you no no bereavement even though I work for the job 11 years 11 years that's the same company that went ahead and turn me to the board of nursing right after the lady you know that I was falsifying news when I was getting paid three more dollars an hour to work there then I was anywhere else why would I falsify knows that doesn't even make sense at all! I would never ever do that ever! I like the ba who decides to destroy my husband's records and said that he was never there because he told them what he was going to do and they gave him the number to crisis instead of doing their job and putting him in a mental health facility and it's the VA they can go anywhere but they didn't have any local feds open so they said all they don't have any beds open they just gave him the number to crisis cuz they're lazy ass holes and they should not have their freaking license the doctor the nurse and the secretary and in and all three of them got together and literally schemed and took you know skeme I know if my husband if he could have got help I know he was asking for help and they would help him you know he would have been okay and this was right when my son was getting ready to turn 13 you know this teenager isn't he really needed his dad there I mean this was only two years after he got back from Afghanistan and he drove the tank that went to go find the bombs so yeah he was in like a very keyed the tank blew up several times he saw like his best friends and people that slept on his top bunk torn into pieces and the top body go one here and the other tour so go that way and it's just hard boiling for but these people have been fighting since bcac I forgot which one button I don't see if they've been fighting since the beginning of time as far as I know and it's just like what what are you doing there then we just left our equipment there so that makes sense
I have just realized there is a label for this self-destructive behavior, which I had been doing all my life! Thank you for elaborating this.
Yes it is dishonest. And all people that get the fawn response are not unlikeable. It is a trauma response that is projected onto anyone who is requesting anything from you. Sometimes this person can be an asshole but often it can be a reasonable request and you have trained them that fawning means you are paying attention. Good to hear someone take responsibility for an unhealthy behavior and not just blame it all on someone else.
This is me to a T!!! I have been taken advantage of my entire life because my childhood taught me NOT to stick up for myself!
Some people take advantage each time opportunity arises.
I can relate you don't stick up for yourself in these situations because it protects you to some degree
Fawning is a 👉response👈 to threatening behavior. The writer is not responsible for other people’s behavior. She did not bring out that behavior she was responding to it. Yes, upon leaving the salon and reflecting once the nervous system has calm down, the best thing would be to not go back to people that are showing you who they are.
she went there for TWO YEARS. willfully..
fawning creates this atmosphere of being unable to say what you really need. And I agree with other commenters that once you try to self-advocate in a situation where you have fawned, you burn your bridges because people cannot take the criticism or do not want to have an in depth conversation. I’ve had people declare me-not in so many words, but I can read between the lines-‘not fun’ for wanting to have those emotive, meaningful discussion regarding how poor boundaries have become. It becomes this hopeless situation you basically create. And it’s heartbreaking. Because you can really care about someone and you realize their caring for you is centric to your utility & not centered around you as a person.
Ditto, the very same people that always got mad at me for not standing up for myself really flipped out when I finally stood up to them! I think people misunderstand the difference between tough and strong. Tough, I am not. Strong, yes. Especially since I am very honest.
Spot on!! I feel this so much.. thank you for sharing and i hope you heal soon✨
"utility". Accurate.
@@michellehumphreysthose types are narcissists. They can’t be reasoned with. RUN…don’t walk!
Wow! Your post sums up and defines what I've been struggling with and unable to define myself for years!
I walked away from a group last year and when I see some of them I am strong on keeping the peace and remaining cordial but two of the group are particularily increasingly mean and insulting so I stopped speaking to them and avoiding them. I believe that it is pointless to be nice to evil people. I am done with being nice.
Same here! They send me stupid messages out of the blue asking for help. They don't ask me to hangout with them ao I told them to stop messaging me. I'm also done with bring nice!
Exactly!
Being "nice" was a way to make women obey their parents & then become obedient to a spouse. A nice girl did not complain nor demand or even offer her opinion. You had no say. My father told me end of my junior yr in high school I would not be going to college because my brother would be the "bread winner". Meanwhile mother cleaned people's houses to earn money which she told me paid for our food (6 people). My bro dropped out of college. He is a self-taught wood artist, very gifted. He is married but neither wanted kids. He has earned money as an artist & teaching gymnastics. So it is true, I never completed my full educational goals. I have an Associates in Arts degree, one year secretarial certificate & other college courses beyond AA degree. I have given up being the nice girl completely. Have grandkids & would consider limiting them in education a form of neglect & abuse. Since age of 12 I had wanted a Bachelor degree & my parents knew that. What really hurt is my Dad had completed a Bachelors degree so I assumed he would want the same for me.
@@g.flesch9731So he had a bachelors degree and still didn’t make enough to be the sole bread winner, yet he insisted in his old mentality 😩. Nowadays there’s few men who make enough to provide for a family, so it’s important for women to develop skills and talents. It does not have to be college, it could be having your own business or learning to code online. Whatever it is just keep our minds open and let our kids choose.
Same here. Years ago I was new in town and a group of friends invited me to parties and outings. When I saw the way they behaved and mistreated others I withdrew from associating with them
I've gone from that to just stopping all contact if possible with anyone that hurts me.
All my life I kept attracting bosses at work who were SHIT to me. They would yell at me, bully me, demean me, manipulate me, the works. I probably got it all except physical abuse. They all reminded me of my parents.
Even 10 years later I'd still attract adult female coworkers who were the same age as my mom, lol... They would bully me, manipulate me. Like my mom, they were also super mentally unorganized and unhealthy. It would all send me reeling into weeks of debilitating flashbacks. Finally, I said screw you and walked out. I showed the universe, "Nuh uh, I'm not taking this shit anymore." Now I'm so much calmer and happier!!! Screw those people and walk the path your heart wants.
I worked with someone who had a horrible personality, like a family member of mine. I dreaded having a shift with her. However, I always kept the peace and resorted to doormat behavior. People admired how calm I was. My work life got better when she retired. I had other bosses like this. The only consolation is a paycheck 😢
Oh Lord how timely … being bullied at my waitressing job. Just don’t understand why. I always try so hard to be nice and make people like me.
So sorry this is happening to you! Please know that you don’t deserve such treatment. I’ve experienced workplace bullying too and it really hurts. I hope things get better for you there.
leave asap!!!! for your own good my dear. you might not realize it but you are choosing to be there! but that means you can choose to leave! if they don't appreciate you, life is short, find another place, please
Is it the customers or the coworkers? If it's coworkers, there are other places to work. Bad customers are everywhere.
It's your job to be nice. People lack insight about themselves and believe what society tells them- bemean, rude and demand to get your way. Our society regards selfishness.
So it’s one girl and ironically her name is Angelica… she is so mean and everyone else recognizes that she is a bully but they are too scared to be her next target. I like the place I work and I am not willing to give up a good job for one bully. I believe in karma… all actions are accounted for in the universe. I do need to learn to stand up for myself but I just don’t know how to.
We were told as kids, "Don't make any waves; spare the rod"; rolling eyes and dirty looks, omg etc. Great set-up for people to abuse you, and for you not to say anything as an adult. Took many years to realize, correct, and to correct PROPERLY (ie, not lash out, not to personalize another's "bad behavior). Two helpful things: Even deer walk/run away when something is not right (which is ok). And 2, learn NOT to personalize anyone else's behavior. It's THEM, and their rudeness, meanness etc; NOTHING to do with you. Be a duck--let it roll off like water--PEACE ya'all....
Thanks for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Yes.. when you finally call out these people.. they turn around and call you negative with the problem.. and you start to believe them 😢
That's the hard thing about all of this. You're always the problem. As a kid these things were the solution (fawning, freezing, ect). But then as an adult your solution is the problem. So you now have to fix that. And when you try to fix it (CPTSD), now people have a problem with that too. It honestly feels like a lifetime of constantly changing yourself to avoid being problematic for you AND everyone around you. Meanwhile, nobody minds being a problem for you. I'm proud of and fully support people who can do the work of continuing to change and undo CPTSD. But for me, I've chosen to retire from all the "fixing" of myself. I just live in peace without worrying about the rest.
@@Whol3NothaL3v3l hats off to your peace ☮️ you said everything so well
@@Whol3NothaL3v3l imo some of the problem of being used & abused by people comes fr the be a good girl. Be nice, be helpful, be agreeable, be what ever people want you to be. You can't develop as a person because who you are has to match the person or people around. You are raised to be prey. People who are needy or want to control pick up on this behavior.
At a church I attended when ever there was a get together it was assumed the women would bring in baked goods. Now women bring in store bought. But I thought why not ask a guy to bake or bring in store bought. I stopped all that. If I had the time, I baked for my family. And why does every church thing need coffee & food?
Just one example of how women are expected to serve others.
A lot of people are looking for someone to do stuff for them under the guise of friendship. It is a strength when you learn how to avoid a vampire of need in another & walk away.
I understand and relate feeling this way .
@@Whol3NothaL3v3l this is exactly what I’m feeling. Self helps videos can exasperate this
This is my number one reoccurring problem.being a polly Anna. Then being blind sided with nastiness.
You’re not alone. Sadly they chip away at “innocence” and replace it with anxiety and distrust. I’ve had so many examples of giving people the benefit of the doubt and walking away with ‘what just happened?’ Even with long term friendships, who I later discover are “fair weather friends”. As soon as their lives become challenging and your life is going better with healing, they become passive aggressive. I fawned in order to save the friendships, until I realized it wasn’t worth it. Better to cut ties. 😢
You know as a girl back in the 1950/1960's you were taught to "be a nice girl". But what happens is people expect you will be like their servant/do goober etc. I have had to teach myself to stand up for myself or that childhood "training" of your are the good girl who asks nothing of people will make you a target & prey for people who are good at using the good girl to get what they need & disregard what you need. Learn to say NO. Is a good start. No explaining yourself needed just say NO. Being a "good girl" really affected my future when I was told by my dad, a college grad, he could not pay for college because he was paying for my brother & I would never be a "bread winner". I did get an Associates in Arts degree which I paid for myself. But the Bachelor degree was what I had dreamed of since I was 12 yrs old. I wanted to study Literature & psychology. Was that not bread winner enough? And my dad let it be known I was no longer suppose to live at home. So I married young because I was homeless & my fiance helped me buy a car so I could drive to my job as a secretary. Thanks dad?!?
Omgosh, people use to call me that. "Poly Anna" 🙄
@@g.flesch9731
I had to clean my brother's room every Saturday because women were made to be an in men's service.
That's what I was taught 😔
My personality just disappears around trying to make a friend. It isn't even fun to have a friend, because I never get to share myself due to fawning and being a door mat. I usually do the following: Fawn, Fix, and then Flake. I am so done with it. People are annoying to me. I feel lonely but I don't want to repeat the cycle anymore. I just am too old for it anymore. 46 married female here. I think I will just be a loner with my dogs and my husband. I get along with my husband and take frequent breaks from him. He visits family and friends and I take a vacation with the dogs. After three days he comes home and we are good. This is our pattern every 3 months or so and we are good.
That sounds wonderful!!!
Have you tried a supportive online therapy or support group? A women's group online helped me learn new boundaries and build relationships. For me, I had to feel my way through to the other side, practicing, until it felt more natural.
@@mtaylor7307 I don’t want friends. And yes, the ones in the group were the worst!
@@rivertam17 👍😂❤️
Of course I hope you know I meant being at peace with yourself, your husband, & your dogs! (Not necessarily in that order) 😆
I don't act nice. I am nice. I don't act at all. If someone doesn't like me, that's their problem. Not mine.
Well said!
Loved this🌸!
Exactly
It's easy to distinguish who fawns and who is actually nice. To others, nice people feel authentic, fawners feel like they want something from you and that's the only reason why they are nice. Sometimes, the mask drops fast too when things go wrong. When a person who is normally nice start to punish or verbally abuse you when you did something wrong.
The youngest of 4 sisters....one day I'm dismissed, ignored, etc., the next I'm listened to and treated well. I never feel like I measure up or am part of the club. At 69, it's been going on for a very long time.
coercive control, don't buy into it
Families aren't that close anymore.
Feeling left out is not on you. It is a result of being not heard or experiencing undermining as a child. You do have worth. It may seem like you do not feel your worth but you are a unique person who has a way of seeing the world that comes from inside of you. Children thrive on consistency. You were not raised that way & parents today approach raising children differently. You want each of your children to understand their worth. I have listened to you today & I wish you the best. Take hold of your life & live your worth. Be kind to yourself & have compassion for yourself. Decisions you make are your decisions & you deserve to be heard.
Right there with ya
When will you end it? Are you afraid of being alone? Let me know.
It is difficult though when you encounter someone that is at first charming and treats you well... Then later starts the crazy and disrespectful stuff... And they are truly having a rough time too... But definitely not an excuse for abuse... It just is a bit shocking when things change and us empaths don't get it very quickly... We aren't wired to think others have bad intentions...
That last sentence is very true. We just don't have a calculating mind for evil & so it is very bewildering to even have to go back & disect intentions of others.
That’s narcissism. They are charming at first to hook you into thinking they are a good person. Then they do what’s called “managing down”-they give you less and less and start doing weird things more and more. The only thing to do is learn to recognize it and run.
@@ravenel2 Agreed!!
People who call themselves empaths are borderlines... borderlines are worse than narcissists
@@ravenel2there comes a time where you need to focus on yourself. That in its self is empowering & healing. The more you feel your self- power the less people will see you as potential prey. And learn to say NO if you do not have the time to do for others.
My dentist (he finally retired from torturing patients!), employers/supervisors, friends & family…it’s taken decades to heal and become real!
I've been looking into attachment styles recently and the fawning response sounds so much like the "Anxious Preoccupied" attachment style. Puppy dog energy, bouncing around saying "like me, like me" and coming back for more when people turn away. It's sad how people doing this so want approval and that desperation repulses people. And how great that all of these things are completely changeable? Thank God for healing! :)
It’s not saying like me like me, it’s saying, stop, hurting me, stop hurting me! It’s trying to de-escalate and keep things calm. It is a survival tactic. And in certain situations it might be the only response that can get a victim safely out of the situation.
This education is SO important for abused people and those who care about someone being abused in their life.
This is so helpful. Fawning has been my response to insults and abuse, but I've discovered that fawning can have seriously bad consequences as I've had decades of flashbacks from certain abusive incidents which I didn't respond to adequately: instead of 'letting them have it', I fawned and swallowed it. In this way I was my own worst enemy in those situations.
Exactly. The words not spoken become trauma
I feel I've done this my entire life. With family, with friends, with bosses...always trying to people please and try to make people like me. Jumping through fire hoops for those who wouldn't pee on me to put out a fire. I have always just felt like its not fair but the cards I was dealt, maybe I really am unlovable?? I have to say I've gotten to a place where there are only certain people that I dont tell in my life to kick rocks. I'm 52 and I dont want to say I dont care if I'm likened or unwanted because I do and I sometimes still let it hurt me...but at 52 years old, if you are not my kids, or my boss or someone I haven't learned yet how to cut loose...I bail. At one point I put up with a boss that mistreated me for over five years until ANOTHER employee, without my knowledge went above his head to tell for the ways he was treating me and I was pulled in a meeting and asked if it were true and I admitted it was true and he lost his job. MM. It is unbelievable what we with Childhood PTSD tolerate. Adding to this post just to say that I' so thankful for the work you do here because I never knew I had complex PTSD but you sure would be shocked to hear my childhood story. I always just felt flawed from childhood scenarios and events but thought PTSD was for combat veterans only. I have learned so much about myself via you and your work here. You make such a difference. Please know that.
I strongly believe Narcissism in the service industry is a very real thing... but we can only vote with our feet!
Oh your 1st sentence Anna!🌺🌺🌺…..In looking back I’m appalled at the number of people I’ve allowed to mistreat me….it is incredibly embarrassing 🙈….really really working on it…. I just can’t stand conflict…so I usually just disappear…. I definitely treat people better!! when they mistreat me….this is familial narc programming
We understand as few others can. I'm so glad you're here. -Calista@TeamFairy
❤
I had no idea this was a' thing' and had a name, but I know the feeling! 'No' has become my favorite word, 'No' is a complete sentence! Use it often! 💌
Love it
Absolutely
Most of the times my "Fawning" would be because I was yelled at by my father when I was a young child saying that I am responsible for upsetting others, so my entire life I always had the thoughts that if someone is mean to me, or dislikes me, or hates me, it's my fault...
IT's extremely damaging.
THis happened when I was 8-10 during Passover. Passover meals can be hours long because of the way they are conducted, reading from a book, and during that time I made a noise or comment and my mother flipped out and left the table blaming me like it was my fault because I as a 8-10 year old child randomly said something during the meal, which upset mom to leave it.
This caused my father to blame me, instead of her. That it's my fault she couldn't be an adult and just sit around, but it's my fault that I "Controlled her."
It's funny, because the same father later in life would say to me "When you're mad at others, you give them control over you." It's so absolutely ridiculous. The only control is the fear that they put me through, saying she like it's my fault that others get mad at me, and that what I say influences others.... as if I HAVE CONTROL of them... Except the control is them lashing out at me... Absolutely sick.
Throughout my life I've never been able to defend myself because of my abusive mother, and my father was never there for me either.
It sounds like she may be suffering from this thing I call "bumbling nice person syndrome"
The fawning is so severe that every conversation every interaction is the fawning person just bumbling and agreeing and trying to help but actually making it worse to the point that the person they're fawning over gets so annoyed and tired of being polite and trying to be grateful but its so bad and so annoying that they end up blowing up and saying really hurtful stuff. 😢 I've been on both sides of that. Sad and tough to handle. My heart goes out to the writer of this letter
I used to fawn as a response of childhood abuse n ptsd. Now I quickly analyse a situation and then respond appropriately. I also am cooler towards new people than before and when i get to know them over time I am appropriately responsive.
Yes, I am trying to be more cool. It is a learning process. Sometimes I hear myself speak and think, how sugary sweet and too nice... I hate it. But its a good thing to realize. It is a mixed bag. But I dont give up. Keep cool 😉
@@billyje4726 keep going. I think once the "people pleaser" syndrome is gone , it gets easier. 👍
@@Starlightndust Thank you. Yes, I will. It is a journey! 🙏❤️
I’ve done many of the things the author spoke of, and when it gets to my limit where I’m inspired to unleash a verbal tsunami upon them, I pull back or “ghost” them altogether. Also in my 50’s like the author, it’s the evolution of my coping strategy that I’m content with. When I do, I tell myself it’s not my role to ‘correct’ them. That would help them.
Exactly! Not my job to rescue people from themselves but rather merely for me to act as witness and observer of others.
One thing I’ve learned is that negativity attracts demons. So rather than getting into it with someone who will punish you for asserting yourself, just observe and walk away if you can. It’s not a matter of me being overly indignant or overly arrogant. It is literally that I will not give this person another chance to hurt me or take advantage of me. We know. If you are being used in a weird situation that you know would never happen to anyone else-walk away.
@@ravenel2thank you for this. I recently let someone take advantage of me for weeks and went along with their excuses until I finally snapped and broke down exactly what I had a problem with and of course got blocked. I feel so stupid and like my trauma has prevented me from having normal, healthy relationships and what to ask for in a partner.
This video feels like kind of a gut punch since I’ve been beating myself up for how things went down, and he was so kind initially, so really it was my fault. But you don’t hide someone and try to keep them a secret when they are connecting you with hundreds of dollars of free merchandise trying to build a friendship or whatever over shared interests. I feel so ashamed and stupid and ugly and if I had just been more attractive and not “clingy” or just wanting some kind of emotional reciprocation that made sense for all of the favors I was doing this person…etc.
I feel guilty for being off putting. I was just trying to show what kind of person I was. I was not trying to buy affection. I’ve never been on the receiving end of this kind of treatment so I feel awful if I was awful to this person I was just trying to get to know and so smitten with. I don’t know that I have it in me to not scare someone away trying to kind.
@@ravenel2 I agree. Walking away actually stuns them, denies them power over you and tells them you are unwilling to participate in their chaos making and addiction to drama. The only person you have control over is yourself, no one else.
Been struggling with this for a long time, so discouraged and full of self-blame because I’ve had so many experiences where people treated me like crap and I hadn’t done anything to them at all! It’s been so painful, and I’ve felt crazy, like “why does this keep happening?” Like I must just be a jerk magnet despite trying to interact socially like a normal person. Hearing that this has a name and is part of CPTSD is helpful.
Sometimes being fawned on feels like manipulation, like fake flattery.
While some people do it out of malicious reasons to love bomb you and then later abuse you when they get under your skin, some people do it as a faulty survival mechanism from childhood and won't abuse you.
@@Puuwswell said
it's all manipulation, in my opinion. Fawning is used to avoid conflict. If I state what I really want, it may conflict with you really want. If I don't want that conflict, I fawn. It's fake, or feels fake, because I don't really want to do what you want to do, I'm just fawning. I don't want to seem like a threat.
@@Puuws abuse is not conflict. be careful not to overuse that term.
@@Puuws yes it is a trauma response. yes fear is a dominant motivation.
You are so helpful for me. You’re helping me identify so many places where I’ve self sabotaged in the past. I’m 60 and have worked a lot to get heathy and your videos are accelerating my growth. You’re an answer to prayer.
At times I try to make peace with people, sometimes at great cost to myself.
At 55 I am so sad. I have done everything wrong. All I remember when growing up is to be nice. When I got shunned as a kid I would try to be nicer and never could figure out why that didnt work. I never told my mom because i didnt want her to think there was something wrong with me. I wanted friends and to be liked but i never figured out why i didnt. I would get told i am too nice but could never figure out what that meant because to me nice equaled friends but I had no friends so how could I be too nice? People would say things but never explain what it meant. Somehow I was to figure it out. Maybe I didnt know to ask or to embarrassed to ask because I didnt know . Now I understand 50 years too late. 😢
((HUGS)) It’s not your fault. We don’t know what we don’t know, but we can learn from our experiences.
I am VERY VERY GRATEFUL to have finally been made aware of this. I am in the last phase of my lifetime...And I'm still learning. I'm committed to the cease and desist of people pleasing and fawning. I believe this will help me to recoup (personal) energy...Energy that I need for MYSELF.
Good for you! Thanks for your comment. Julie@TeamFairy
Congratulations 🎉🎉😮
@@Mushroom321- I'm astounded at how long it took me to comprehend why I've made/make the choices I have made for my entire life...Not gonna lie, it's pretty hard to face.
Getting a haircut is truly a vulnerable position to be in though, for everyone, just realized.
I find that the older I get (42 now) the less energy I have to deal with anyone.
I have a narc family dynamic with a malignant narc sister and covert narc mother.
I feel like I’m so emotionally burnt out that I can’t even make new friendships or maintain the ones I have. I much prefer my solitude.
I used to fawn and now I can’t even bring myself to be fake nice to people.
People will assume kindness is weakness too
Gosh so guilty of this. I feel I’m so kind and nice but put out a vibe that says “please abuse me.”
I would love to stop
My experience is that I only fawn on people that scare me and most of the time there is a good reason to trust my instinct. I can relate that fawning, as every trauma response, is uncomfortable to the other person but it sounded a bit like a justification for disrespectful behaviour in that case to me.
This totally resonates with me. I felt so hurt and ignored when in the writing class i just joined i posted my work up and not a single person commented on my work, yet because most of the class knew eachother from the previous term, they commented on eachothers work. The teacher commented on other peoples work, and ignored mine too. After a few days I posted a comment saying how disappointed i felt and just one woman posted to say she was sorry i felt that way and she had meant to comment on my work which "intrigued" her, but it never appeared. I keep obsessing, and it goes back to early trauma aged 10 when my family were told by my stepfather to just ignore me and my crying fit, as he kicked me out of the beach camp and i walked along the shoreline looking up at the night sky and literally said "Dear God, please help me". I didn't understand why my family didn't love or protect or comfort me. They ignored me because I "just wants attention". This was a trauma memory
I think I did the same thing for almost 40 years. I have improved. I am going to watch out for people that insult me. I used to fawn but I stopped during the pandemic.
This is so great. I love that you said fawning people make you uncomfortable because I thought I was weird for that! It makes me feel like I’m taking advantage of a the person even though I’m not and would never. It just feels like I’m taking advantage because they don’t have boundaries i think. They’re just go with the flow and yes men. It’s just not enjoyable being around people that are fawning. i enjoy people with opinions and their own personality instead of agreeing with everything i say/do. I had a friend like that once and i ended up making all the plans and she’d always say yes to anything i wanted to do but it gets boring fast being that person. I don’t want to always be in control. Friendships with fawning people also don’t last long for me at all.
I had a friend like this & she ended up resenting me. Having friends like this is too much bc they end up hating you for their own lack of boundaries.
That makes sense
That’s fair
@@_grapefruit exactly! It’s really unfortunate but I refuse to be around them due to this as well
I have an experience this and I cried listening to this.
I do attract mean people!
FYI: in the Black Community, hair stylists are rude, competitive and resentful of their clients success. It's not her imagination.
And don’t have knowledge of your own hair e.g. texture, porosity, growth pattern, response to certain products and heat tools. That certainly invites the mistreatment, petty dismissive attitude, the flexing of their credentials because they’re a licensed cosmologist etc. it’s a nightmare sometimes!
All communities. Its a thing
@@LigareRadix They hate the people that they need to earn their money from. Frankly, the more beautiful you are, the more they end up screwing up your hair/skin/nails/etc.
@LigareRedix which community are you referring to specifically, I'm guessing
, you only have one type of hair. So you would only know what hairstylists are like in that community....
@@LigareRadix Exactly. ALL communities.
I recently had an interaction where I found myself fawning. I was blindsided by a long-distance friend’s behavior. She was acting upset with me being cold and terse. I had no clue where it was coming from since she hadn’t mentioned any concerns to me and I hadnt seen her in a while. By the time she was visiting, there were other people around so it wasn’t the time to talk about it. It was so bizarre. I caught myself fawning because I wanted to stop the discomfort I felt with her angry disposition and I didn’t want my other guests to feel uncomfortable. It worked. She got to feel special by being fussed over and I felt gross because I was hurt by her behavior but pretended I was fine. I decided to be civil and stop the fussing. I gave my other guests attention and left her to fend for herself while still including her. This felt much better. I think I felt responsible for her anger because it seemed directed towards me. Yet, how can I be responsible for something that I haven’t been told about or may have nothing to do with me. I realized she has done this before. She pouts. I fawn. No more. We’re grown and communication needs to be part of my adult relationships. You have an issue, please tell me. I’m not good at the guessing game and I resent someone playing games trying to have me pry it out of them.
I used to be very guilty of this. It's dehumanizing and makes you feel low. I recently had to deal with issues setting boundaries. I can really relate to the issue with her hairdresser i had a terrible time at the hairdressers sat for 7 hours only to end up cutting my hair. I also had a nail tech that was often late, the last straw was an hour late for an appointment with barely an apology. Goodness her story resonated so well with me. I have stopped caring what others think, i expect good service as a paying customer no longer worrying about being liked or not.
I love your last line . You are right. Be practical .
I've done this in the past, when I was younger (teen years thru late 30s). Those relationships bear out the "fawning" consequences directly n are thankfully defunct. However, as I've gotten older, it's like treading a line through external perception. I'm a Christian n generally am supportive n warmly engaging with folks I interact with. If folks try to create the dynamic of control n dominance because they misinterpret my kindness for "doormat" behavior, I boot them immediately out of my life. It's been confusing to them when I simply don't engage with them any longer, but I let them sit with their issues/inner demons because their issues/behavior is not my concern. I just keep trying to find the folks who are kind n receptive to my positive energy, n build on those relationships.
Great strategy
so much truth too this... very similar too my defense strategy... people have gotten infuriated when they did something malicious towards me and i dont react and immediately stop interacting with them from that point forward its no Access too me at all
I was invited to a beatch so I went but when I got there this guy askes me to serve him a drink so I did but I perceived this guy wanted me to feel negative about myself but I knew he wanted me to feel that way because that's the way he feels in my presence. Once you learn people are most the time proyecting themselve onto you, you just observe how they expose themselve. Remember people expose themselves by trying to hurt you, or by the way the treat you.
Anna you are a ripper. Thank you.
You have a rare ability to time and time again hit the nail squarely on the head. Which means you 100% know what you're talking about.
I'm all sorts of messed up. By your metric, I've cptsd my daughter assures me I'm adhd. Dyslexic, left-handed and didn't get glasses so I could read properly until I was 30! Derelict alcoholic selfish war baby parents, violence abuse incest blah blah. Just alone at the moment at 63 quiet. My friend I found d here in Australia suicided 10 years ago and i shut down.
So I've got some way to go. X
My heart goes out to you for supreme inner peace & joy.....
❤
❤
I used to be treated the same way by the hairdressers and service people I dealt with, and the “nicer” (fawning energy) I was to them, the worse they became. Looking back, I think I invited their snippiness. Had I just sat back in the chair like I belonged there with no compulsion to please or be anything other than myself, the vibe may have been better and more relaxed. Btw, you perfectly explained what happened to me with a budding friendship. The woman I was befriending took a distance because of my fawning and people pleasing behaviors. I couldn’t just be plain and regular. Thank you for your clarity on the subject.
I hate when I fawn so much! Once I realize I'm fawning around someone I immediately stop interacting with them...
When you say, you are so sorry for someone whos letter you just read, it is SO IMPORTANT!! By that you wake up all your listeners compassion for that person and for all of us. Power by that is massive. We dont survive as a humans without compassion. Thank you for your work❤
I worked nearly a decade in a corporate job that I actually liked, "cube farm" and all. But a pattern of bullying persisted and grew over that whole period. I was definitely told I was the bully, quite often. (Key detail: I was an editor, in the uncomfortable position of showing big geniuses that certain writing errors wouldn't work well in published pieces. The 1% of encounters that didn't go well risked a trip to the HR woodshed.) In reality, I was the victim of "mobbing" and narcissistic abuse the whole time. What sealed off the exits from this gaslighting chamber was the response from friends, family, anyone I shared my pain with: It's their candy store, you can't call the shots in a job, learn some communication skills and buck up, buttercup. In essence, I needed to get better at "fawning." I've taken a decade since then to recover and heal. I need to own that my impressions are just as important as anyone else's and that I deserve dignity even if the power lies with others in that situation.
I have struggled with haircuts too. I freeze up and have a hard time asking for what I want. It's kind of an intimate experience of trusting someone with your appearance. And when it turns out looking different than I expected, I feel this kind of stun and shock and then overtip even though I didn't like the haircut. 😆 It has gotten better. I used it as an exercise to practice being mindful. I've noticed that I am more relaxed now in the chair and more able to speak up.
Pretend and Befriend is another term. I learned this from childhood from being bullied relentlessly.
6:33...Especially good points she's making.
So many people are brought up with the false notion that being unemotional, "thick-skinned," and unaffected by abuse is a sign of "strength" when in reality, it isn't.
My solution is that I stopped going to hairdressers! It’s been 3.5 years and I love my hair. Great video! Loved the fawning explanation, which is my go-to way to act. Most insightful, and thank you.
Haha, yes same here! 😂 It's truly liberating. No more subtly bitchy comments, masked as "chit chat." No more feeling like, in some way, I'm not good enough/cool enough to be there. My boyfriend does a better job and in a fraction of the time too!
I remember first fawning, over teachers, who were annoyed with me. It wasn't that I was naughty, I am autistic and did not know how to behave. I was physically and emotionally and psychologically abused, I even had my mum give me bad advice on a house purchase once, and I took it. I still fawn today, it's the easy way out, in the moment, I don't agree with it. I am too nice as a defence mechanism. I think I am only just starting to learn the rudimentary basics of interpersonal interaction now at 57.
I'm so sorry you went through so many years like that! Many members of this community are on the spectrum, and often have stories similar to yours. I'm so glad you're free now, and so glad you're here!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you.
Hair dressers are also tricky people they get you to talk and expose your vulnerability
Wow. I gave this video "a chance", and within the first sentence I said " omg this is me. It is embarrassing" You explained it better in the first minute than most others in your field! I love your style, it is so straight forward and refreshing! Thank you!
I call it being the biggest liar that I know!!!! Smiling, remaining quiet, staying, not speaking up for myself, or willingly putting myself in places where I know they hurt me and / or despite me! They've made it clear their feelings about me and like a spineless joke, I put the sign on my back myself that says kick me! This is super helpful! Thanks!
lol . I get it. It is like living in a dream
Oh yes
I don’t attract mean people. I’m surrounded by them!
Fawning is like being the cool girl! I'm calling myself a natural hottie lately to help me undo the fawning. Totally get it in the context of haircuts espesh. It's like you don't even realize what's happening in the moment, like a dissociative experience. Also i really appreciate you owning having prickly energy. I get that too :)
The next time you feel this way...ask the culprit "Are you okay?" This settles them good.
What does this do ?
Also we can’t give too much of our power away…I made a conscious decision to not hand it over any longer because it’s always toxic folks who want it…
Exactly
I love this. Attracting not just mean but actually attracting passive aggressive people even the sadistic kinds is worse than just ones who are mean who might give u the cold shoulder or the middle finger. The bottom line is if that one met with meanness, was actually met with kindness, sensitivity, empathy, and compassion by the aggressor rather than met by the aggressor with their usual punitive dismissive undermining hostile energies, the recipient or target of projected mean energies, the one being dismissively sloughed off, wouldn't have to feel they are overreacting or having to placate or appease the aggressor or question their own intent in the first place if the aggressor wasn't so insensitive. It is the aggressor generating that undermining or belittling subservience in their subjects in the first place who is the one actually being undersensitive, rather than the target being passed off as oversensitive.
This is very interesting. Bottom line is that with bullies trying to be polite doesn't work, just walk away or bully back. I don't have the energy to fight back with abusive people, so I'll just walk away.
I placate others when they get angry. Fear. And to feel safe. Codependency. I have gone hermit mode to do my Truama work. Deleted all past people....cause l am ready to be real, authentic. Studying my issues and learning on utube . P. Pleasing was a huge issue, over doing etc f..king etc. Enough. By learning to be with myself....it strengthens me to walk away from crap. Cause l no longer emotionally need others. . Selfhood comes from knowing l am safe in my body...and self trusting my instincts.
Always done this - till now and got surrounded by narcissistic and manipulative people who made my life hell! Now I just want to feel good about myself, do what makes me proud of myself and the right people will like me for me. Others I don't care about anymore.
Perfet
This is fascinating. I did this without any awareness of my behavior. I just thought I got along well with everyone. But now I can see it. I have to be really spacious in my mind to recognize when others are disrespecting me. It’s a lot of work.
I've had so many bad experiences with hairdressers that I won't go anymore and have learned to cut my own hair from watching youtube videos.
Fawning is one, and dissociative thinking is the other I’ve had to work on in the presence of bullies and tyrants.
Wow Vanessa!
We are very much alike. Thank you for writing in for so many of us.
I needed this information.
Ms. Fairy, you are deeply appreciated too.
Always hoped you were out there somewhere.💫
Im so glad l came across this video. Its been of great help
Glad it helped!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Once again, your video was spot on for me! Gosh, I don't feel so "crazy" or alone after watching your videos!
Yup. This is an issue and I hear the person writing the letter: meaning I used to do it. However, I found this person on UA-cam who teaches you how to stand up for yourself in real time and so now I do it. I'm there. I'm present. I'm responding to what's there. However, it's meant that I don't have a single person around me. I don't have family because I'm estranged. I'm not married. I'm divorced with no children. I think it's a myth that there are other people like you, on the healing journey. There is literally no-one there. It's either be abused or nothing. It doesn't seem to matter whether you stand up for yourself or fawn.
Oh my goodness, I work with women like this. If there is a person on the job and I say that person has giving a hard time, these women would literally act extra nice or try to make them laugh in some way. They would tiptoe around that person so as to not trigger them. Then they say ' Oh I had no problem with them.' But soon enough they eventually do or say something to trigger them.
And I forgot to add that they use the 'Killing with Kindness' excuse to explain away what they're doing.
Hey Anna I heard you eat oatmeal for breakfast. There's an easy way to make 'em without boiling.
It's called overnight oats. You take a jar, put your dose of oatmeal, pour water, milk or plant milk onto it and leave it in the fridge overnight with the jar sealed. They're ready for eating the next day! They have to soak up at least for 4-5 hours, best 8, and they're good. You can microwave them, I usually pour a little bit of hot water into the jar to heat it up. You can put fruits or peanut butter to add flavor. I put a bit of protein powder to increase the nutrition and usually add cinammon before pouring water on them to leave them for the night - cinammon kinda makes them fluffier I noticed.
No need to boil it :)
This is really helpful. I've found that fawning at its core is about conflict avoidance and passivity. This is super unhealthy when conflict needs to happen. Relearning that conflict is an opportunity to grow healthy and closer is essential to getting your boundaries and personhood back again.
Just what I needed to hear at this time. My husband continues to lose his temper over small things. While I no longer take it quietly, I am still with him because I am too unwell to live on my own, due to chronic illnesses and lack of money because I had to go on disability a few years back. It's so helpful to have terms to use to fit our behaviors. Thank you.
I am guilty of this and refuse to care anymore! I used to have an issue with people pleasing as well ugh !!
When you break it down for us, it's so helpful to see the patterns... Thank you!
I'm so glad the video was helpful :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Wow this video really opens my eyes to why my fawning is met so often by that "not taking her seriously" behaviour or mean comments. I kinda believed that people pleasing is, you know, pleasing people. But it can actually be annoying.
Fawning sometimes feels passive aggressive in the receiving and giving.
This video is gold and so valuable to me right now. I've been almost desperate about being treated like crap by people I actually like and cherish, while random acquaintances aren't much of a deal to me. The uncomfortableness came to a point where I finally started responding to a couple of those people, and basically treating them the same way: all of a sudden, things changed, some reacted offended, to which I replied: now you know how it feels, while one person actually apologized to me. I still have challenges with speaking up and demanding respect, but step by step, it seems to be working. Don't give up guys, it starts small but feels so good.
Thanks for sharing your encouragement! Julie@TeamFairy
Yes why is it the people we love and care for are the ones that treat us like we don't count. It just hurts 😭 so much.
God is so good for leading me to your channel. I was literally crying to God about my hairdresser that manipulated me out of more tip that I wanted to pay her She didn’t tell me I was over tipping her I suspected she did this my visit before my last one this week I have come a long way I let her go after three appointments The old me would be like the person who wrote in staying for years I’m just mad I didn’t end it at the second appointment
I have been trying to leave my hairdresser for years now!! Never in a thousand years would I have associated not being able to leave my hairdresser and “over tipping” totally a fawning move! eye opening) as a trauma response! But as I’m unpacking this more, it’s similar to my past relationships with toxic ex-boyfriends who emotional abused me! I recognized the signs that it was time to leave the relationship, but I wouldn’t/ couldn’t leave… forcing them to leave me, or cheat on me and leave me for the other women, or ghost me all together! These videos are life changing and thank you for your generosity in offering them to us for free!
Argh! Totally used to do this and REALLY dislike it when people do it to me. It feels like someone trying to "latch on" like a baby and mother. I'd love to know how to push someone away without the irritation if youve mastered that? I tend to freeze which makes them worse
My older brother coached me on my opinions and belittled me a lot on my interests when I was younger. This created people pleasing tendencies in my adult life. A man SAed me and this trauma response made me think that it was my fault and I needed to fix what I did for many years. I’m so glad I did the work to mentally move past this response because it was ruining my life in so many ways.
I just caught this video last night. Your advice is so very valuable! I sent this video to a couple of friends and they absolutely think that you're the best.
Awesome! Thank you!
I know how this feels but also I have a RBF (resting bitch face) so every time I try to stay neutral and calm, people mistake that with me being in a bad mood or angry and that is one of my biggest triggers to hear from anyone so I am always at a loss for what to do and how to behave. It's exhausting.
Same, people often think I'm angry when I'm actually feeling quite happy and calm 🙄
Another " joy" of getting older.
Same here and ive been told since very young ( smile) and i say im happy and they say oh you don't look it, men since i was young say the same and i hardly got chatted up, some people just have them smiley faces but not all people do, so people shouldn't expect everyone to have them.
Imagine your spine as a coloum of light , pushing outside . Every other person is outside this light bubble and whenever you interact with such people , see them outside of it , and their words draining down the light cord reaching earth's center, not coming inside your bubble , hence not affecting you
Ugh yes me too!
I related to the fawning, but am very blessed to have had the same hairdresser for over 40 years ! ❤
I have a "nice guy" label. I like to think more a gentleman by nature. And my first thought is always treat a person with respect until they give your reason to do otherwise and then still evaluate if action is needed. Sometimes the best way to handle a rude or mean person is to stay silent and just look at them. It shuts them up and shames them while letting them know, particularly around others, just what a fool they are coming across. But sometimes, a more vocal measure is needed. I have a knack to imitate people's mannerisms and voices and use this effectively to signal affection or as in a recent case disdain. A very entitled bloviating man assumed a tone that went on for a bit too long and seemed to only emboldened him. He kept pestering me why I didn't know of some unimportant fact to give him that he acted was vitally important to a work project and that I was the gatekeeper of this truth. He habitually calls people baby but emphasizes it in a disparaging tone. So I replied back in the same gesticulating manner he is known for and in the same cadence and pitch as his voice said: "I don't know ba-BY. Have you heard of this almighty modern day Oracle called Google?" Those around us laughed almost uncontrollably. Yes, it was mean and meant to embarrass him, but he is something of an intellectual bully with many. "Why you're a real asshole, you know that!" he exclaimed angrily and increasingly red-faced. "Yes, I am," I replied, "but only to assholes that are annoying. You could at least be entertaining and not a boring boor." Since this time, it took the bite out of him in his interactions with others who themselves have become more bold in cutting off his nonsense. Just because you're a nice by default doesn't mean you have to be with the not so nice-nor should you at times.
“A true gentleman is one who is never unintentionally rude.” - Oscar Wilde
I used to look up people's astrology birth charts and justify their shitty behavior with astrology signs. "Oh she's a Libra with a Leo moon and a Gemini rising and that's why she keep stealing money out of my wallet."
Needed this today.
Like a lifeline, all day I was beginning to tire of treading and you knew exactly what I needed🛟
thank you
This is so life changing, for people that can’t afford therapy or even just want to get advice/ it’s so caring of you to do this channel. You really are healing the world with these videos: thank you