I saw the tittle and clicked IMMEDIATELY, I noticed I do things I hate/don’t want to just because it makes others happy and it’s exhausting and frustrating when you realize when it happens
Once you learn to say NO, you may choose to never say yes again! Then they stop coming around and asking, finally! Find those who give back as equals and don't take advantage of your kind nature. Nobody is perfect. Be kind. Be nice. Try not to react badly, it only brings you down. Establish clear boundaries of what is acceptable and not acceptable. This is the biggest problems many have. Especially when they have roamed in a big house of siblings, they don't know they are crossing lines. In fact they probably have no idea of what quiet silence is. As everywhere they go they are the noise 😉 People need their own space and don't like intrusions. If it happens over and over again they are not so polite and more annoyed.
Note: People remember how you made them feel when they think of you. So resolving issues to be kind and ALL GOOD as it were... but to define the boundaries of things that you do not like and annoy you. We all have equal rights, and it is only fair, that we have choices to choose, what, where and when. So an agreement of two or more to choose to be in the same place at the same time doing the same things. Or to be somewhere else. Making an agreed time appointment makes it so everyone is on the same page. Don't be tardy/late. Respect for one and all is important. and Beware, people have triggers to emotional baggage that is NOT about NOW, but is reminded by now of past things. This is not the past. This is different. Let not biases from such hinder being in the NOW, the present, fully to enjoy and participate. Be FULLY PRESENT, or be somewhere else where you want to be FULLY Present. Otherwise you are the walking dead.
I do that too! And financially.. and physically helping.. never said no. I spent my 20s helping family.. and i had no self worth or confidence and i am always anxious and tired
Paula here. I people please because to not be able to fawn definitely keeps me vulnerable to being hurt and hurt again. I take too much responsibility in a situation so that the other person doesn't feel bad. I keep them happy even when they have some responsibility. I take it all. My situation is trauma based and I hate it. It's better to just isolate. I apologize overly and hate myself then beat myself up. I get it Katie.
Sending this to my therapist because I’ve never had someone else say all my feelings so clearly. I struggle with people pleasing to avoid conflict and to regulate others emotions. I think short term I feel like I’m making myself feel better but at the end I just end up feeling resentful that no one does as much emotional work for me as I do for others (trying to do mental gymnastics to diffuse any possible conflict that could arise in a scenario is exhausting) thank you for posting this.
People-pleasing is feeling responsible and guilty for everything that happens to people around - we have to get a clear picture that people are intrinsically ambivalent and we frequently don't have a clue of what's going on in their heads. This makes us feel more secure and free of guilty.
I think that the "pandemic" of positive thinking has a lot to do with this. The cultural norm or expectation that one should not be negative or even jugmental. Only to keep the sunny side up all the time. Its like we've lost the ability to enteract without the expectation of being positive. So whenever tension rises, we say "sorry" and feel guilty for something that did not happen.
Omg agreed!! Toxic positivity could be causing more and more people pleasing behavior!! I didn't even think of that, so thank you so much for sharing your thoughts!! xoxo
Definitely. I hate when people say, "Just look on the bright side, just be more grateful, just look for the silver lining, just etc." because I kinda can't. I can sometimes but I'm pretty sure other people don't feel the same inside. The statements are very dismissive. I feel like the implication is, "I care enough about you not to want you to be sad, but also I just want the problem to go away without actually doing anything."
@@frugalhousewife9878 it feels like people in my life are like "oh yeah, you're an adult now, not a child anymore, so you should be able to look after your own self now and be independent to be a functional human being." I personally have moments where I snap and say " I get it! People have gone through a lot worse than what I'm experiencing right now! But this doesn't help me in my current situation to get better, it only makes it worse."
My parents' divorce and subsequent emotional neglect when I was a kid led to me doing basically everything in this video, particularly fawning and over-extending to the point of burnout, over-apologizing, and then going through periods of months of not talking to anyone or going out, partly because of depression yes, but also because I needed to "shrink" and take up less physical and mental space in other people's lives (at least that's what my brain would tell me). I still struggle with it--I'm currently going through one of those shrinking periods, but forcing myself to talk to a couple of my closest friends that I know, objectively, don't see me as taking up too much space. I refuse to apologize for writing a novel of a UA-cam comment. This video spoke to me.
I totally walked on eggshells growing up worrying I was gonna cause my mom to go off. The thing is, she would go off for no reason at all sometimes. I was afraid to breathe wrong. She made me feel like I had no right to have feelings of my own. I always knew I didn’t want to be like her. And there are obvious things that are easy to avoid, but there are other things she did that I didn’t know were wrong. It’s like it’s all I ever knew, so I didn’t know. 🥲. Now I feel like I’ve made mistakes with my own child not because I did those obvious wrong things she did, but those other things that I didn’t realize were wrong. It makes me feel horrible. Like some people would say that people like me should recognize that they wouldn’t be a good parent and not have any children. But I didn’t know everything I know now when I was 26. My son has a lot of issues now and even though I tried to be the best mother I could, I feel like it is all my fault. I know that it’s not from talking to my counselor about it, but it still bothers me sometimes. I feel so inadequate as a mother even though I have tried harder to be a good mother than anything else in my life.
Aw I’m sorry you had to go through that feeling like your walking in eggshells suck adds a lot of worry and fear. I think you trying to be the best mother you can counts ♥️
I'm not sure when it started that I began having the issue of setting boundaries but people pleasing definitely took shape when it happened. I remember even as a younger kid, having the feeling I was "bothering" people if I called them. As I'm now learning more about healthy boundaries and healthy relationships, I've learned I'm not bothering anyone. Reaching out builds connections and shows people you care. I'm also learning that while anger and conflict are uncomfortable feelings for me, they're healthy emotions. Sometimes we have to be direct in order to make our relationships better! These skills have become a little easier in my personal life over time and having patience with myself. Now, I need to learn how to apply them to my professional life too! :)
I damn sure bothered my mom to hell for calling about unbelievable chest pain in the middle of the night a few months after I moved out on my own. She shouldn't have spoken rudely to me like she doesn't care and thinks my pain is no big deal if she cares
I love this video. I also think when people grow up in enmeshed families and churches, then people pleasers do get cut off for being themselves. So as a people pleaser your biggest fear comes true. Over time as you strengthen your self worth you realize that generally, people won't get upset with you for being you and differing in opinions.
I also hate/have a fear of conflict, and it does go hand in hand with my anxiety, sensitivity, and people-pleasing. Your own childhood experience and lack of answers as to why you also hate conflict really resonated with me because I also cannot connect my fear of conflict to any trauma, I'm just a highly sensitive person, and I'll do anything to avoid conflict/arguments. Now that I'm older, I get migraines from tension as well. So just addressing a personal issue with a friend or my parents is a nightmare. It drives my parents crazy sometimes that I avoid conflict and apologize all the time, but I dread having "discussions" and arguments and then getting a painful migraine afterwards...I would really appreciate if you did a future "Kati Unfiltered" digging deeper into the topic of conflict and anxiety
I am a people pleaser because I dislike confrontation, so much so that I will sacrifice my own health (mental or physical) to avoid it. I ruined my marriage because I wanted to please my ex wife and avoid any and all fighting. You’d think that having a spouse that happily gives you everything you want would be perfect but no, no it does not make a good marriage. I struggle so much with self value, I feel like unless I can can give someone everything they need and want I’m not worth it for them. It’s weird because I always feel guilty for everything that doesn’t go perfectly. What’s weird, is anyone can let me down (it could be on purpose or just because nothing is perfect) and I feel guilty for possibly demanding to much or having unreasonable expectations. If what I give isn’t 100,000% perfect I feel like a failure for letting everyone down and that now I somehow owe everyone recompense.
This is the BEST explanation of "fawning" that I have ever had in my life. Fawning is ignored in fight or flight, and freeze... But fawning is what I have used to make my self feel safe around a very, very dangerous father who puts his own feelings waaaaay before mine and kept me doing his will so he would "be able" to support the family.... waaaaay too much responsibility. I responded to his needs but he never responded to my emotional needs in any way for me to feel safe. It felt just like a very unsafe place and like I had no family behind me. I work for just the opposite now!
I can only get my parents love and respect if I please them, either by doing the chores they tell me to do or I feel like I always have to do things the right way to be seen as a person of value or doing other things I don't wanna do. I never find myself saying no because they ALWAYS get mad at me for saying no. I just can't set boundaries with them. I'm so stuck in this people pleasing trap!
I am so sorry your parents like that.. that's really emotional abuse, because a parents love shouldn't be contingent upon us doing only what they want. They should support us being our own person and being independent. If you are able, please reach out to a therapist in your area so you can get some support and heal. xoxo
@@Katimorton you know these comments might be a form of expressing your people pleasing skills. Also , i find that training yourself to see people and yourself as naturally perfect even in the flaws can be a way relieving some of what you are going through. .
I worked for love and acceptance in my family. If I said no to anyone, I would be punished. I am no contact with my toxic family. I am tired of all the emotional pain and suffering.
Sorry! I met someone who taught me to 🛑 stop saying “sorry” you have nothing to apologise for! This statement was the jolt I needed to realise why I did say that word constantly. It started me on my journey of ending my people pleasing ways.
I literally cry after hanging out with anyone and I ruin all my relationships because I’m so convinced that I’ve done something wrong… I want to read the emotions and signs of people so deeply that I end up not ever having a good time or normal conversation it’s the worst I end up icing out every1 ugh
My people pleasing comes from growing up in a narcissistic family system. My family shamed me and made me feel guilty if I didn't do what they wanted. I am no contact with my toxic family. It's time for me to heal.
I believe my people pleasing comes from childhood trauma and it usually happens to me when I make a mistake. I used to get yelled at as a kid when I made a mistake. I have this feeling to make it up to the person when the situation isn't a big deal. I tell myself I'll do better next time, but that's when my perfectionist part of me comes out. I'm trying not to be perfect and please everyone. But it's so hard!
This is a battle I fight all day, every day. Some of my issues are the same as yours. I'm 58 years old, I abhor conflict--grew up with parents who truly did not like each other, yet "stayed together for the kids." My entire childhood was tension and conflict. Now, I still (even after therapy) struggle with apologizing. I was married for 19 years, have been divorced for 16. For the last nine years I've been with a wonderful woman, and we are engaged. But sometimes I get carried away apologizing because I'm terrified she will be upset with me. She never is, the things I imagine she is upset about are only in my brain (thank you, anxiety). But as patient as she is, I know it annoys her for me to over-apologize. And yes, I apologize basically for existing at times. Not an attractive quality. But I am trying, I am working at trying to recognize this. Your video really touched me. Thanks.
Omg i say sorry all the time too! People hate it and call me out on it constantly :( i try to stop, but it is so hard to stop the habit. I get so mad at myself for being such a people pleaser or for saying sorry all the time. The fawn response definitely comes from abuse, anxiety, and low self esteem.
This came right on time! Looked at some videos on people pleasing in the past but you know what they say.... When the student is ready the teacher will appear. And nothing hits home like an experience, which touches your feelings. My experience was about 2 weeks ago I was at the store trying to make a choice between 2 different items and this older lady came around the corner with her cart and I stepped out of MY position and said "I'm sorry" and she looked at me and said "don't apologize for Who You are" and she looked at me as if she was trying to make me Think about WHY I was apologizing. There was no malice on her face nor in her voice. And it clicked right then and there and I said 'right! Why am I apologizing?!" After all these years that moment did it for me. It was just so automatic to say "I'm sorry" or "excuse me" and now I think it's always been to make myself appear on other people's (if not lower) level just to make others comfortable. Thank you for this video. It was a big help along with that experience and I plan to re-watch several times until it sinks in.
It is still my go to response to say "I'm sorry", my husband always nicely points it out and says you have nothing to be sorry for. He is very patient and I am starting to stop my self from saying it sometimes. But it is so so hard. Thanks for letting me know I'm not the only one!
I feel like part of me is dying when I don’t follow my heart and decide to please people just because I don’t wanna be disliked. I’m trying so hard not to be a people pleaser. It’s not easy. Thank you for sharing amazing videos Kati! Your videos saved me so many times.
I used to people please until I drove myself into the ground. I had a mental breakdown because I just couldn't do it any more. I love the people I am around, and try way too hard. Then other people caught on, wanted to be my "friend" so they could get in on the help and kindness I was showing my friends. Today I had someone call me and ask me if I could come help them clean their apartment, and I said no. I felt bad, but I told myself, I can't please everyone, and I NEEDED to make sure that my boundaries were intact and I didn't give in to trying to please yet another person I barely know. I'm slowly but steadily getting better, it's still a battle for sure, but every little step counts and I can say that you have helped me in many ways with all kinds of things from understanding my friends and families issues to understanding my own. Thank you Katie and I hope you have a great vacation! 👍💪
The other day I broke down in therapy. As I am there crying and telling her how I feel I apologize to her. She asked me why am I apologizing? I didn’t have an answer for her. I just felt it was something I had to do. Something I have done most of my life.
I do think I people please to manipulate a little to avoid conflict or especially an abusive person but I also know I do it because I always try to be, say & do whatever I would have wanted as a kid & to express as much love as possible cause I wanted and love that feeling so I want to be that Love & Kindness Definitely have to learn boundaries though.
When you talk I feel that I'm talking. I have struggled with people pleasing for a long time and I hurt myself over and over again. Thanks for letting me know that I'm not the only person that suffers from people pleasing.
Katy, I am 70 years old and am just now slowly changing my behavior. It has been such a burden all these years. I have lost a few “friends “ who it turns out were not real friends. Your video has helped me more than you know. THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH!!
Yes girl I feel you. Childhood, relationships, friendships, work relationships, everywhere. Difficulty with confrontation for sure. I have anxiety and I hate conflict. I hate when people are mad at me especially if I push a boundary.
the trick of “not engaging with that person and letting them know about that chaos” is a SUPER good point that helps me, too. the anxiety andinos racing is very real and very valid, but it can be a lot for the other person to respond to (and when they do, it creates more content for us to grow anxious about and assess) gotta give ourselves the temporary space we need and deserve
Honestly I find myself being available for people to talk to but when I need to talk to someone. Well there's no one available. But I don't want anyone to feel the way I feel in those moments. So I keep myself avaliable. Thoughts on this? Because I'm not sure if this is people pleasing or not?
I have found myself doing this too... most people I know aren’t mature enough to hold space for others, because it will trigger them. I’ve discovered that it’s important to set boundaries on “emotional dumping” from others, you should not be an emotional punching bag because you’re an empathetic listener. Since I’ve focused on self-care and filling my own cup first, it’s helped me be more mentally and emotionally stable. Setting boundaries has helped, the friends who only used me as a crutch when they were panicking have now faded away, and the true friends remained. I’ve learned to take accountability for my feelings and actions, while also holding others accountable for their own. Wishing you well on your journey!
It's good to be open. What I would focus on rather than how much I'm being listened to vs listening to others is whether or not I have something that is more important for me personally to do, especially basics like eating, sleeping, taking a moment to assess how I'm feeling and taking a time-out if needed etc. Second order of operation would be to cater to myself first especially if I find myself among people who don't reciprocate. Finally maybe begin to reflect one's company and I would also be paying attention to my tolerance of being alone, if there is no tolerance then you may be able to identify that as a driving force and begin to suspect some degree of codependency there.
Another excellent topic. My wife is a relentless people-pleaser. It's a source of stress that seems to be endless. The current issue is with our extended family, spouses of our children. She does everything for everyone absolutely free and she ends up with very little time to herself. My concern is her fixation on being "liked" by our daughter-in-law. She can be paralyzed by a lack of gratitude or acknowledgment from someone she's given so much to. Wanting to be liked by others is heavy on her mind and this is a standout since my wife is extremely nice and loved by everyone... save one, the DIL. I'm fine with being acknowledged or not, and that's freeing. But my wife has a profound "need" to be liked by those around her. How can I get her to simply accept that not everyone will convey their appreciation or affection? The more she tries to reach out, the less she gets back. Family is different, we want everyone to care about everyone, and it just isn't realistic. Thank you, I'm binge-listening while I'm working.
I say sorry all the time as well like you Kati 99.999 percent of the time I don't know what I'm sorry for, but also like you it's people pleasing, and afraid of conflict, I'm going to try and do the "ask myself questions before I blurt out "I'm sorry" and see if a sorry is really necessary, so thank you for that. I never knew another person to describe what I go through daily in anxiety, people pleasing etc.. most people including my parents just don't get it, so it's feels good to be validated and not feel like I'm the only person in the world that sometimes struggle with these things.
I have I'd say an extreme aversion to conflict as well. To the point where I'll feel stress if I know someone doesn't get along with me or thinking if I don't do enough I'll lose a good connection. I think also as a single girl dating, you're exposed to a lot of guys who make you feel like you're not doing enough. "you look great, but I go for personality not looks" or a guy you date posts about how he can't wait to make new memories with better people. Dating itself sometimes centers around pleasing people in just the right way, but I love what you said that there are people who enjoy being around us just for being us. Good to remember. A good relationship shouldn't stress you out or make you feel less than.
Definitely feel a lot of this. I can't stand conflict. I hate it. It makes me physically anxious. I think there is possibly a normal amount of conflict in my life but I handle it terribly. I think I probably need a lot of therapy but I'm not sure even that would fix everything and I have no idea when I might be able to afford it and have adequate time. I'm sorry you deal with this. I hope you feel better. It's hard to deal with issues that don't make much sense.
also, the idea that saying sorry is a way of minimizing yourself totally resonates with me, and i see this in others. i have experienced the stress of both sides of people pleasing, it’s a struggle i unfortunately know well (haha)
I was trained to be a people pleaser from a very young age. I grew up in a violent household & in order to minimize the violence that was directed toward me, I kept my head down & did exactly as I was told. My father made it very clear what his expectations were of me & I did as I was told as an extreme form of self preservation. It has been REALLY hard to break the cycle. It makes me angry when people say really negative things about people pleasers. Initially had no choice & it has taken me years to try to fix the pattern.
First of all, THANK YOU Kati for making this video! It really help me a lot to see where my people pleasing behaviour comes from. I know I have people pleasing behaviour trace back to my uni era but it hasn't really effect me that much from day to day until I start working. I work in a hospital as a healthcare provider, and this people pleasing trait has made some major negative impact on me. I noticed when I need to deal with pushy/audaious patients/ doctors/coworkers/patient's family member, I started to people please by doing what they want, saying what they want to hear. All of this is because I want to avoid conflict just like you! It make me very uncomfortable, anxious and stressed when I need to confront someone. This is quite problematic because deep down I actually disagree with some of the statements these people made, and yet I don't have the gut to oppose what they said which leave me with resentment and looping over and over what have happened to me. Thank you again for the video!
I feel you! I feel the same. I apologize for things that aren’t my fault. Immediately after, the other person says, ‘There’s no need to apologize’. I hear that response often so I must be apologizing too much. Not sure why….. To keep the peace maybe?
I seriously struggle with people pleasing for the exact reasons u mentioned. Reading wise intelligent great people's quotes like Mark Twain has helped get me out of myself, and think about other people's bigger problems. Like people having it worse than u. It also gives me hope like they're big secrets that are unveiled. One quote by, I believe, Winston Churchill that helps with conflict is something like "If u face a danger do not turn your back to it and run. U have increased that danger twice as much. Instead face it unflinchingly and u have reduced that danger by half."
I think what you said about “saying sorry” all the time resonates with me. I often think things are my fault or that I’m to blame when someone’s upset. And trying to adapt my behaviour to tip toe around them is spot on to. I think asking the question “what are you sorry for?” Is powerful. We are not responsible for other people’s emotions or actions but unfortunately we have to heal from trauma that existed within these relationships. It’s hard.... but not impossible.
I love how people pleasing can be related back to Religious Trauma. When you speak about fanning over someone, it resonates with issues I see in my clients!
hi there kati omg everything you have mentioned i sooooo resonated completly it like you was taking about myself i do have found myself being a people pleaser and saying sorry for being sorry what the hell !!!!!!!! my hole life changed 3 years ago after the death of me mum and dad and the collapse of my family and found myself in a very toxic relationship she turned out to be very narcissist it was only till i had to leave the relationship it was only then looking into my relationship from the outside-in ... my hole reality of who & what i thought. I .... & my relationship was..... has been shattered forced me to look at myself the stuff i did & said behaved iv now been on a healing journey facing my shadow!!!!!! ( the dark night of the soul) and my spiritual awakening i just wanted to say thank you for your videos they helping alot xx
My friend sent me here and WOW I have been called TF out 😩 Literally, not even five minutes in, I was immediately reminded of my kindergarten teacher who verbally and physically abused me. I did nothing to her. I remember always trying to be kind and be perfect so she wouldn't hurt me and guess what? It worked. So yeah there's that trauma and the potential start of my people pleasing. God, I could write a whole essay explaining how everything connected to me and the new things ive learned bc if this video. Thank you SO MUCH for sharing this with us!! It has helped me gather so much insight on myself :')
Hi Kati, I've recently discovered your channel and I think it's great! This video in particular was very enlightening and made me think about my own behaviour - I definitely struggle with people pleasing behaviour and I 100% recognize myself in what you were describing here - I constantly apologize for things that are clearly not my fault or even have nothing to do with me at all, I always feel like in in the way when I'm in public or that I'm inconveniencing people (like in the supermarket when trying to pack my stuff after I've paid for it and feel like I'm holding up the line), I always double or triple book myself for fear of upsetting someone by saying I just can't make it or I'm already busy, I avoid disagreeing with people because I don't want to argue or have some sort of confrontation, and I often worry that friends or family are upset or angry with me, without any evidence at all. I'd love to see more videos about people pleasing behaviour and more tips about how to deal with it. Thanks!
I'm exactly the same with every point Kati. My best friend, therapist, and psychologist tell me that I'm a people pleaser... I say what I think people want to hear. And it's all because I avoid conflicts. "Sorry" is the number one word in my vocabulary. I also want to help people however that I can and put people ahead of my own needs.
Oh Kati, i fully understand this and your feelings. My grandmother passed away just a few months after I obtained my nursing license and Army officer commission then started active duty in the Army over 1000 miles away. My mom had passed away a few years earlier, so they were very close to us three granddaughters. After my grandma died, my grandpa just was so lonely that he couldn't continue. They had known each other since my grandma was 3 years old. He passed away 3 months to the day of my Grandma's passing. That broke me because I was very close to him. Please take care of yourself. Im sorry you're struggling, but i fully understand. Sending hugs your way.
When you started talking about your thoughts I said OH MY GOD! I can't tell you how many times I have done that, but not said anything, and then when they talk to me...everything is fine. It does help to distract to myself!
Dear kati. I am a chronic people pleaser. I say sorry to even everybody. I do cry so that people dont mad at me. I will accept everything that other person is saying even it cause me problem. And when i started taking stand for me people get more mad at me . I always ask people if you dont mind. Plz dont mind. And all that stuff. It scares me if someone is angry with me. And people around me takes advantage of it. I feel soo soo depressed for all that. Thanks for your help.i will try
I'm a people pleaser. Working on change. I can relate to the controlling emotions. I don't want anyone to feel bad or have a hard time so am constantly volunteering myself to meet what I perceive as their needs then feel resentful that my needs don't get met. As I am working on prioritising and meeting my own needs and allowing others their feelings I am finding some people who are used to the people pleasing me definitely don't like the change. These are the relationships that for me were not really two way in any case.
I’ve always been a people pleaser. Past history of complex trauma and multiple anxiety disorders. I don’t see why it’s such a ‘bad’ thing? It’s a survival mechanism and has kept me safe in the past. I’m learning to be myself and express myself without worrying so much about what other people think or want for me. Do what makes you happy as long as you’re not hurting anyone, including yourself.
In my case, fawning allowed me to be overtaken by others' agendas that ran me into the ground financially, so that's how it can be bad. I also was having a tough time not being certain of what to do and let other people make decisions for me instead. I was so angry before and couldn't even think straight. After being a victim of fraud, though, I've come out the other side of that hell with much more assurance in myself. I was uncertain, but only because everyone else was saying my ideas were wrong... only for me to end up listening to someone who only wanted to take advantage of me in the end. All the other ideas I had in mind beforehand would have been a much better idea. But at least I have learned and still am learning many things that I wouldn't have if it hadn't have been for that experience.
Thank you for sharing your story! I'm not a fan of conflict and have childhood trauma, so I am healing from people pleasing. The worst part is I used to people please with people I disliked, or even abhorred. Now, I've been pleasing myself more often but feel guilty when I do things for myself. I have a fear of failure and a fear of success, so it feels like I'm back in war, only with myself this time. Thanks for all your videos! I've learned a lot and love how vulnerable and honest you come across. Bravery points galore!
Needed to hear this! This morning, people pleasing as I reflect briefly has hurt me a lot especially at times financially! People have also told me I constantly over apologize and over explain myself so something I’m working on and this pass week I signed up for therapy… thank you for your videos, they’ve helped and continue to help me a lot :) hope you have a gr8 day
Reading the title, My answer probably yes, but I don't know how to stop except giving up and being a hermit for a few days. Recover the emotional energy.
I discovered my level of pleasing through texting. Because it gives you an opportunity to read and think about your response before you sent it. What my impulsive response is, and the one I eventually send, are often different. It reminds me to pause before answering during conversations.
Oh my god, I feel SO SEEN! Hearing you describe what I feel regularly is a mix of comforting and terrifying. Thank you for being vulnerable so other people can grow with you.
I people pleased for years becasue I had low self worth. I never cared about my feelings but I was always worried about how others saw me. It makes me sad when I look back at how low my self esteem was and how certain "friends" exploited my kindness. Thank God I got older and wiser and will not put up with this behavior anymore. Had to live and learn. Thanx for being here for us Kati and listening!
I wish I would have watched this video several years ago. When you talked about your parents having a minor argument and you wanted them to stop arguing, it hit home for me. I people please mainly to avoid conflict and I should be in control of and take care of myself first
Thank you for this video. The past few years have made me realize just how much people-pleasing seeps into my conversations with people. I think mine comes from a lot of anxiety and trauma. Learning about different experiences that can lead to people-pleasing has helped me keep it in check. I try to distract myself too because it helps me regulate simultaneously and I try to check facts with a trusted person who will help me look at the situation more objectively.
Damn, this is me 110%. I’m an avid people pleaser, always minimize myself to a great extent and do ANYTHING to avoid conflict. That’s the only thing I know.
Hi Kati! Thank you for your video. I was in group therapy and the main therapist called me a "people pleaser" and she really had ill intent behind her comment. I never saw it as a bad thing, but now 7 years later I see I did not establish healthy boundaries. I just wish it had been a nicer and more sensitive therapist that delivered that back in the day! She was actually burned out and cruel & should have never beenin her position 😢 one day at a time❤
This video speaks to me so much. I didn't think of my reactions as people pleasing but more so that the scenarios annoyed me when someone reacted the way I didn't want/ didn't expect or lack of reaction all together (ingrateful). Would be very appreciative if you can do a video why overthinking can go down the latter path of "this is annoying" "please just go away" or "please just tell me what you want already". Hope it's not just me.
I could write a mile long comment but I'm worried that I would be a bit too much so I just say thank you so much for opening my eyes as well as all the other grateful commenters. Stay blessed!
People pleasing is INCREDIBLY damaging. And I say this as someone who has engaged in the behavior and just went through a fresh breakup with a Dismissive Avoidant who was engaging in the behavior. It's lying. People Pleasing is actually just lying. The faster you own that and drop the excuses the better life gets and fast. With my recent ex, I told her this and after our breakup she admitted that it was a huge revelation in her life. She realized it wasn't just me she was doing it to but actually multiple friends and family. It's a pervasive behavior that gets people tired of you. And the worst part is that YOU end up hating the people you're 'trying to please' because you don't understand why 'they don't have boundaries'. YOU are the one without the boundaries, actually.
You're so right about the people pleasing part. Most of the time I just suffer the pain in silence. I do not have the means to see a therapist and I am aware of free versions of it here and there, but I also have a very strong distrust of people because following their advice, I ended up wasting 15 years of my life, where I am now self aware that I am someone that doesn't have a lot of time and some people not a lot of patience either. All I can say and warn others is don't think being very intelligent is sunshine and rainbows. It's both a blessing as much as it is a curse in itself. Take myself for example. Graduated with a 4.01 GPA in High School, learned on my own that college without a long term plan is a waste of time and a lot of money, corporations such as Lowes, Kroger, Gamestop and ect. try to make places like that look like a family, but is more akin to a cult and people will at times capitalize on people's misfortunes, stop thinking for themselves or pick up suicidal tendencies and call it a challenge (ie TidePod, Cinnamon, Skullcracker, Carona and ect "Challenge") and so much more. At times I feel so hopeless that I isolate myself as much as humanly possible to not show people that I suffer so much and refuse to ask for help, because unless you understand that people are more likely to listen to someone with unbridled popularity to someone that is not even a blip on radar.
I like the title “kati unfiltered”. It’s perfect for these types of videos. People pleasing was drilled into me by my parents and culture. I’m working on it though and it has made my life so much better.
Thank you for this. I’m a bad people pleaser. I have health issues that make me have to miss work and I feel so bad and my anxiety and depression kicks in bad. My boss is my cousin and that makes it 10 times worse for me. She and I decided today that I am going to take some time off and get my health straightened out. She said she would put me back to work when I get my health lined out. I draw disability and was working for her part- time. I’m trying not to freak out about this but. It’s really hard. I feel like I’m letting her down. Just about everything you said is how I feel. 😢
Omgosh! Okay editing Katie's input really resonated with me. Why the heck do I feel responsible for everyone's feelings??? But also to fact check myself I feel like I could come up with facts to tell myself and make me feel worse. Or maybe that's just being stuck in the spiral and rumination.
I just found your channel and this post, two years later I just feel so identified…..thank you so much for sharing this wonderful part of your life, thank you so much for making me feel not alone, not weird, not singled out……thank you so much, God bless you and I hope you’re doing much better at this time 🙏🙏😘😘
I definitely resonated with this video. I have that trifecta of people pleasing, weak boundaries, and conflict avoidance. A lot of it for me comes from a religious upbringing from which I took strong internalized homophobia and internalized racism(not sure if that is a thing but it feels right). I'm only now in my life seeing it and in a mind space where I'm telling myself I have to do something about it. So thanks for making this video, it helps to see someone so strong have struggled with the same thing.
Hi Kati, I've only just found your videos. I've also just been diagnosed with Asperges, I'm 47. I loved this video about saying sorry and people pleasing. Its something that I do all the time. I say sorry to people at work all day long. Hearing you say that you do too has really helped me. I also hate conflict with other people and I did not realise that its why I say sorry. I loved your Distract, check facts. I also think its me, and thats why people are acting like they do. Im sorry half the time for just being me. Anyway Im so glad I've found your channel. You also have amazing eyes. Sorry if that sounds weird lol. Xx
The problem is the disconnect between the facts + normal healthy boundaries and the acutal emotions I experience. It feels so right to say sorry, to give up space or to prioritize the needs of others. I suffer from a long history of dissociation, so I kinda never learned to base my behaviour on my own emotions und needs. I'm glad that I started to experience my emotions more, but it's so hard to learn how to deal with them, if they are so malfunctional in a lot of situations. Countering unhealthy thoughts and behaviours by questioning and logic, works for me, so I can stop thinking about the situations too much or try shift my behaviour a little bit, but the thing is, still feel that I act against my "nature" and that doesn't change, doesn't matter, if I go 10 times through every scenario. I logically understand everything, I have learned to control my thoughts fairly well, I know how healthy relationships and boundaries looke like, but I can't change my actual emotions. My body rewards me, if I please others, and shames me for priortizing my needs.
Yes, yes, and yes. I am guilty of just about everything you talked about. If only I had known then what I know now, I would have had a much better life! I loved the way you spoke about distracting and facts , how you put it into real situations, where it was more 'solid', if you will, not so abstract as it seemed to me in DBT. Of course, DBT wasn't even a thing when I was younger. Thank you!❤
The part where you talk about feeling responsible for other people's emotions... I felt that lol. My people pleasing definitely stems from anixety and control issues. I have to constantly remind myself that, not only can I not control anyone else, it's not my responsibility to.
Kati, this is spot on, you have identified what I go through every day. I’m an ultra people pleaser, and I believe being raised by a malignant and sadistic narcissistic mother has a lot to do with it. I am trying to learn how to create boundaries in my relationships. Thank you for this video.
Around 6:03, when you say something like imagine that people would actually just want to be with you for you and not because you people please, I started bawling. 🥺🥺
My therapist pinpointed the fawn response in me right away and all of this resonates… nice to know Im not alone in this and am grateful for this information
Girl! Yes! People pleasing reformer here! I take it from shame. Feeling shame is so hurtful! Even though I know I shouldn’t feel ashamed about x, y, or z. I take it to be from always being in trouble or doing something wrong/impulsively! I have come to believe that I am either on the spectrum, or have adhd, or both… and being born fifth out the six kids, with a baby sister who was born sick, I was blamed for things that weren’t my fault, I was not allowed to ‘whine’ which was the easiest way for me to communicate. My parents split when I was little, so on top of being in trouble for everything all of my other siblings did, I felt responsible for that too. I feel responsible for other’s feelings because my actions caused mad/sad/glad/bad reactions from all family members. There is a little girl inside of me that just wants to be believed that I am good. I have to accept my negatives and compassionately love all of me. It’s the only way to not feel responsible for everything else.
This video is something I need to see. I’m a recovering people pleaser as well and some of your examples you gave shocked me because I didn’t even think it was considered people pleasing. Lately, I’ve been working on boundaries a LOT. I had a friend call me while she was running errands and shopping and I was on the phone FOREVER hearing her picking up items and so distracted and laser focused on what she was doing than actually having a conversation and barely listening to what I was saying. So, I put my foot down and politely excused myself and told her I need to eat dinner and we’ll catch up another day. She definitely got the message because she later texted me to apologize about being so busy while she was on the phone with me (I’ll reach out to her in the morning) I’m not gonna lie, it felt awkward setting a boundary, but it was necessary. I feel like being direct with people in the most cordial way possible and being polite should get your point across, so your not feeling resentful and beating yourself up. I have a whole list of other things I’ve done to curb people pleasing, but it’s way too long lol 😆
My people pleasing definitely was not for attention, but definitely stems from a verbally abusive mother. One of those people who was very controlling on how chores & life should be done, kind of that walking on eggshells analogy since it was rarely anger for truly good reason. I have come a long way, much more focused on working on myself, but still say sorry a lot when I feel bad something didn't work out for someone I care for. I still have self esteem issues from her & bullies, but still better than before.
You literally put into words the reason I people please and it's identical to yours. I've always been uncomfortable by conflict and have struggled with anxiety for years. And I've done the same thing with a friend experience like that. I needed this more than I knew!
I like how you said in the one added portion how you find your self people pleasing because you feel a responsibility of others emotions. Along find it hard to see that healthy boundaries can be upheld…something along those lines. And I can definitely relate 100%.
This was such a vulnerable and such a HELPFUL video omg Kati. Thank you so much for your honesty. If you ever feel lesser of yourself as a content creator, this is your sign to keep going. You are making a big difference ❤
I saw the tittle and clicked IMMEDIATELY, I noticed I do things I hate/don’t want to just because it makes others happy and it’s exhausting and frustrating when you realize when it happens
Omg I know.. it's so frustrating!! I hope some of what helps me is helpful to you too :) xoxo
Once you learn to say NO, you may choose to never say yes again!
Then they stop coming around and asking, finally!
Find those who give back as equals and don't take advantage of your kind nature.
Nobody is perfect. Be kind. Be nice. Try not to react badly, it only brings you down.
Establish clear boundaries of what is acceptable and not acceptable. This is the biggest problems many have. Especially when they have roamed in a big house of siblings, they don't know they are crossing lines. In fact they probably have no idea of what quiet silence is. As everywhere they go they are the noise 😉 People need their own space and don't like intrusions. If it happens over and over again they are not so polite and more annoyed.
Note: People remember how you made them feel when they think of you. So resolving issues to be kind and ALL GOOD as it were... but to define the boundaries of things that you do not like and annoy you. We all have equal rights, and it is only fair, that we have choices to choose, what, where and when. So an agreement of two or more to choose to be in the same place at the same time doing the same things. Or to be somewhere else. Making an agreed time appointment makes it so everyone is on the same page. Don't be tardy/late. Respect for one and all is important. and Beware, people have triggers to emotional baggage that is NOT about NOW, but is reminded by now of past things. This is not the past. This is different. Let not biases from such hinder being in the NOW, the present, fully to enjoy and participate. Be FULLY PRESENT, or be somewhere else where you want to be FULLY Present. Otherwise you are the walking dead.
I do that too! And financially.. and physically helping.. never said no. I spent my 20s helping family.. and i had no self worth or confidence and i am always anxious and tired
Paula here. I people please because to not be able to fawn definitely keeps me vulnerable to being hurt and hurt again. I take too much responsibility in a situation so that the other person doesn't feel bad. I keep them happy even when they have some responsibility. I take it all. My situation is trauma based and I hate it. It's better to just isolate. I apologize overly and hate myself then beat myself up. I get it Katie.
Sending this to my therapist because I’ve never had someone else say all my feelings so clearly. I struggle with people pleasing to avoid conflict and to regulate others emotions. I think short term I feel like I’m making myself feel better but at the end I just end up feeling resentful that no one does as much emotional work for me as I do for others (trying to do mental gymnastics to diffuse any possible conflict that could arise in a scenario is exhausting) thank you for posting this.
People-pleasing is feeling responsible and guilty for everything that happens to people around - we have to get a clear picture that people are intrinsically ambivalent and we frequently don't have a clue of what's going on in their heads. This makes us feel more secure and free of guilty.
I think that the "pandemic" of positive thinking has a lot to do with this. The cultural norm or expectation that one should not be negative or even jugmental. Only to keep the sunny side up all the time. Its like we've lost the ability to enteract without the expectation of being positive. So whenever tension rises, we say "sorry" and feel guilty for something that did not happen.
Omg agreed!! Toxic positivity could be causing more and more people pleasing behavior!! I didn't even think of that, so thank you so much for sharing your thoughts!! xoxo
@@Katimorton Thanks for the important vid
Definitely. I hate when people say, "Just look on the bright side, just be more grateful, just look for the silver lining, just etc." because I kinda can't. I can sometimes but I'm pretty sure other people don't feel the same inside. The statements are very dismissive. I feel like the implication is, "I care enough about you not to want you to be sad, but also I just want the problem to go away without actually doing anything."
@@Katimorton personally, I find toxic positivity is being pushed so hard especially on social media
@@frugalhousewife9878 it feels like people in my life are like "oh yeah, you're an adult now, not a child anymore, so you should be able to look after your own self now and be independent to be a functional human being."
I personally have moments where I snap and say " I get it! People have gone through a lot worse than what I'm experiencing right now! But this doesn't help me in my current situation to get better, it only makes it worse."
My parents' divorce and subsequent emotional neglect when I was a kid led to me doing basically everything in this video, particularly fawning and over-extending to the point of burnout, over-apologizing, and then going through periods of months of not talking to anyone or going out, partly because of depression yes, but also because I needed to "shrink" and take up less physical and mental space in other people's lives (at least that's what my brain would tell me). I still struggle with it--I'm currently going through one of those shrinking periods, but forcing myself to talk to a couple of my closest friends that I know, objectively, don't see me as taking up too much space.
I refuse to apologize for writing a novel of a UA-cam comment. This video spoke to me.
Oh wow, and you've spoken to me. Thank you so much for sharing that, @groofay! I'm feeling you here in my heart.
Thank you for your very insightful comment. Hard relate.
I can very much relate to this almost verbatim. 😢
I totally walked on eggshells growing up worrying I was gonna cause my mom to go off. The thing is, she would go off for no reason at all sometimes. I was afraid to breathe wrong. She made me feel like I had no right to have feelings of my own. I always knew I didn’t want to be like her. And there are obvious things that are easy to avoid, but there are other things she did that I didn’t know were wrong. It’s like it’s all I ever knew, so I didn’t know. 🥲. Now I feel like I’ve made mistakes with my own child not because I did those obvious wrong things she did, but those other things that I didn’t realize were wrong. It makes me feel horrible. Like some people would say that people like me should recognize that they wouldn’t be a good parent and not have any children. But I didn’t know everything I know now when I was 26. My son has a lot of issues now and even though I tried to be the best mother I could, I feel like it is all my fault. I know that it’s not from talking to my counselor about it, but it still bothers me sometimes. I feel so inadequate as a mother even though I have tried harder to be a good mother than anything else in my life.
Aw I’m sorry you had to go through that feeling like your walking in eggshells suck adds a lot of worry and fear. I think you trying to be the best mother you can counts ♥️
I'm not sure when it started that I began having the issue of setting boundaries but people pleasing definitely took shape when it happened. I remember even as a younger kid, having the feeling I was "bothering" people if I called them. As I'm now learning more about healthy boundaries and healthy relationships, I've learned I'm not bothering anyone. Reaching out builds connections and shows people you care. I'm also learning that while anger and conflict are uncomfortable feelings for me, they're healthy emotions. Sometimes we have to be direct in order to make our relationships better! These skills have become a little easier in my personal life over time and having patience with myself. Now, I need to learn how to apply them to my professional life too! :)
I damn sure bothered my mom to hell for calling about unbelievable chest pain in the middle of the night a few months after I moved out on my own. She shouldn't have spoken rudely to me like she doesn't care and thinks my pain is no big deal if she cares
Of course but i m not in situation to tell people to get lost...
I love this video. I also think when people grow up in enmeshed families and churches, then people pleasers do get cut off for being themselves. So as a people pleaser your biggest fear comes true. Over time as you strengthen your self worth you realize that generally, people won't get upset with you for being you and differing in opinions.
Yes!!! Agreed! And thank you so much for sharing your thoughts! xoxo
Narcissistic parent/EX spouse so now dealing with C PTSD
If they do they don't really care about you
Absolutely agree!
I'm tired of people pleasing. It makes me feel drained & empty. I know I need to learn more about self care & resting.
Sometimes we people please to gain approval, because other's approval gives us a (false) sense of self.
Help me plz
@@billyhunter6275 How can we help you, Friend?
I also hate/have a fear of conflict, and it does go hand in hand with my anxiety, sensitivity, and people-pleasing. Your own childhood experience and lack of answers as to why you also hate conflict really resonated with me because I also cannot connect my fear of conflict to any trauma, I'm just a highly sensitive person, and I'll do anything to avoid conflict/arguments. Now that I'm older, I get migraines from tension as well. So just addressing a personal issue with a friend or my parents is a nightmare. It drives my parents crazy sometimes that I avoid conflict and apologize all the time, but I dread having "discussions" and arguments and then getting a painful migraine afterwards...I would really appreciate if you did a future "Kati Unfiltered" digging deeper into the topic of conflict and anxiety
I am a people pleaser because I dislike confrontation, so much so that I will sacrifice my own health (mental or physical) to avoid it. I ruined my marriage because I wanted to please my ex wife and avoid any and all fighting. You’d think that having a spouse that happily gives you everything you want would be perfect but no, no it does not make a good marriage. I struggle so much with self value, I feel like unless I can can give someone everything they need and want I’m not worth it for them. It’s weird because I always feel guilty for everything that doesn’t go perfectly.
What’s weird, is anyone can let me down (it could be on purpose or just because nothing is perfect) and I feel guilty for possibly demanding to much or having unreasonable expectations. If what I give isn’t 100,000% perfect I feel like a failure for letting everyone down and that now I somehow owe everyone recompense.
It a usually bc parents did not allow u to express ur opinions
This is the BEST explanation of "fawning" that I have ever had in my life. Fawning is ignored in fight or flight, and freeze... But fawning is what I have used to make my self feel safe around a very, very dangerous father who puts his own feelings waaaaay before mine and kept me doing his will so he would "be able" to support the family.... waaaaay too much responsibility. I responded to his needs but he never responded to my emotional needs in any way for me to feel safe. It felt just like a very unsafe place and like I had no family behind me. I work for just the opposite now!
To end People pleasing= make yourself important enough to take yourself seriously + boundaries!
I can only get my parents love and respect if I please them, either by doing the chores they tell me to do or I feel like I always have to do things the right way to be seen as a person of value or doing other things I don't wanna do. I never find myself saying no because they ALWAYS get mad at me for saying no. I just can't set boundaries with them. I'm so stuck in this people pleasing trap!
I am so sorry your parents like that.. that's really emotional abuse, because a parents love shouldn't be contingent upon us doing only what they want. They should support us being our own person and being independent. If you are able, please reach out to a therapist in your area so you can get some support and heal. xoxo
@@Katimorton you know these comments might be a form of expressing your people pleasing skills. Also , i find that training yourself to see people and yourself as naturally perfect even in the flaws can be a way relieving some of what you are going through. .
Me too!
I worked for love and acceptance in my family. If I said no to anyone, I would be punished. I am no contact with my toxic family. I am tired of all the emotional pain and suffering.
Sorry!
I met someone who taught me to 🛑 stop saying “sorry” you have nothing to apologise for!
This statement was the jolt I needed to realise why I did say that word constantly.
It started me on my journey of ending my people pleasing ways.
I literally cry after hanging out with anyone and I ruin all my relationships because I’m so convinced that I’ve done something wrong… I want to read the emotions and signs of people so deeply that I end up not ever having a good time or normal conversation it’s the worst I end up icing out every1 ugh
So, I am not the only one experiencing this issue.
So much of this resonates with me. I’m kinda shocked that not everyone experiences this because it’s so deeply ingrained in me my whole life.
My people pleasing comes from growing up in a narcissistic family system. My family shamed me and made me feel guilty if I didn't do what they wanted. I am no contact with my toxic family. It's time for me to heal.
I believe my people pleasing comes from childhood trauma and it usually happens to me when I make a mistake. I used to get yelled at as a kid when I made a mistake. I have this feeling to make it up to the person when the situation isn't a big deal. I tell myself I'll do better next time, but that's when my perfectionist part of me comes out. I'm trying not to be perfect and please everyone. But it's so hard!
Totally relate!
This is a battle I fight all day, every day. Some of my issues are the same as yours. I'm 58 years old, I abhor conflict--grew up with parents who truly did not like each other, yet "stayed together for the kids." My entire childhood was tension and conflict. Now, I still (even after therapy) struggle with apologizing. I was married for 19 years, have been divorced for 16. For the last nine years I've been with a wonderful woman, and we are engaged. But sometimes I get carried away apologizing because I'm terrified she will be upset with me. She never is, the things I imagine she is upset about are only in my brain (thank you, anxiety). But as patient as she is, I know it annoys her for me to over-apologize. And yes, I apologize basically for existing at times. Not an attractive quality. But I am trying, I am working at trying to recognize this. Your video really touched me. Thanks.
Omg i say sorry all the time too! People hate it and call me out on it constantly :( i try to stop, but it is so hard to stop the habit. I get so mad at myself for being such a people pleaser or for saying sorry all the time. The fawn response definitely comes from abuse, anxiety, and low self esteem.
This came right on time! Looked at some videos on people pleasing in the past but you know what they say.... When the student is ready the teacher will appear. And nothing hits home like an experience, which touches your feelings. My experience was about 2 weeks ago I was at the store trying to make a choice between 2 different items and this older lady came around the corner with her cart and I stepped out of MY position and said "I'm sorry" and she looked at me and said "don't apologize for Who You are" and she looked at me as if she was trying to make me Think about WHY I was apologizing. There was no malice on her face nor in her voice. And it clicked right then and there and I said 'right! Why am I apologizing?!" After all these years that moment did it for me. It was just so automatic to say "I'm sorry" or "excuse me" and now I think it's always been to make myself appear on other people's (if not lower) level just to make others comfortable. Thank you for this video. It was a big help along with that experience and I plan to re-watch several times until it sinks in.
It is still my go to response to say "I'm sorry", my husband always nicely points it out and says you have nothing to be sorry for. He is very patient and I am starting to stop my self from saying it sometimes. But it is so so hard. Thanks for letting me know I'm not the only one!
I wish I had someone like that in my life 😢 Cherish him
I sure do!!!!
When you've spent so long apologizing for things that were not your fault, it's hard to leave that behind. Your husband sounds like he understands!
I feel like part of me is dying when I don’t follow my heart and decide to please people just because I don’t wanna be disliked. I’m trying so hard not to be a people pleaser. It’s not easy. Thank you for sharing amazing videos Kati! Your videos saved me so many times.
I used to people please until I drove myself into the ground. I had a mental breakdown because I just couldn't do it any more. I love the people I am around, and try way too hard. Then other people caught on, wanted to be my "friend" so they could get in on the help and kindness I was showing my friends.
Today I had someone call me and ask me if I could come help them clean their apartment, and I said no. I felt bad, but I told myself, I can't please everyone, and I NEEDED to make sure that my boundaries were intact and I didn't give in to trying to please yet another person I barely know.
I'm slowly but steadily getting better, it's still a battle for sure, but every little step counts and I can say that you have helped me in many ways with all kinds of things from understanding my friends and families issues to understanding my own.
Thank you Katie and I hope you have a great vacation! 👍💪
So good Katie….and I ♥️the cute choreography….btw could be old fashioned Catholic guilt at play
The other day I broke down in therapy. As I am there crying and telling her how I feel I apologize to her. She asked me why am I apologizing? I didn’t have an answer for her. I just felt it was something I had to do. Something I have done most of my life.
I do think I people please to manipulate a little to avoid conflict or especially an abusive person but I also know I do it because I always try to be, say & do whatever I would have wanted as a kid & to express as much love as possible cause I wanted and love that feeling so I want to be that
Love & Kindness
Definitely have to learn boundaries though.
Very insightful
When you talk I feel that I'm talking. I have struggled with people pleasing for a long time and I hurt myself over and over again. Thanks for letting me know that I'm not the only person that suffers from people pleasing.
Katy, I am 70 years old and am just now slowly changing my behavior. It has been such a burden all these years. I have lost a few “friends “ who it turns out were not real friends. Your video has helped me more than you know. THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH!!
Yes girl I feel you. Childhood, relationships, friendships, work relationships, everywhere. Difficulty with confrontation for sure. I have anxiety and I hate conflict. I hate when people are mad at me especially if I push a boundary.
I am an active people pleaser. Sometimes I forget therapist have their own problems. Nice to know you all are "real people" too 🙂.
the trick of “not engaging with that person and letting them know about that chaos” is a SUPER good point that helps me, too. the anxiety andinos racing is very real and very valid, but it can be a lot for the other person to respond to (and when they do, it creates more content for us to grow anxious about and assess)
gotta give ourselves the temporary space we need and deserve
Ugh all too relatable unfortunately 😂❤
Honestly I find myself being available for people to talk to but when I need to talk to someone. Well there's no one available. But I don't want anyone to feel the way I feel in those moments. So I keep myself avaliable. Thoughts on this? Because I'm not sure if this is people pleasing or not?
I have found myself doing this too... most people I know aren’t mature enough to hold space for others, because it will trigger them. I’ve discovered that it’s important to set boundaries on “emotional dumping” from others, you should not be an emotional punching bag because you’re an empathetic listener.
Since I’ve focused on self-care and filling my own cup first, it’s helped me be more mentally and emotionally stable. Setting boundaries has helped, the friends who only used me as a crutch when they were panicking have now faded away, and the true friends remained. I’ve learned to take accountability for my feelings and actions, while also holding others accountable for their own.
Wishing you well on your journey!
It's good to be open. What I would focus on rather than how much I'm being listened to vs listening to others is whether or not I have something that is more important for me personally to do, especially basics like eating, sleeping, taking a moment to assess how I'm feeling and taking a time-out if needed etc. Second order of operation would be to cater to myself first especially if I find myself among people who don't reciprocate. Finally maybe begin to reflect one's company and I would also be paying attention to my tolerance of being alone, if there is no tolerance then you may be able to identify that as a driving force and begin to suspect some degree of codependency there.
I do the same thing!!
Yes! I have to give and offer things. I never ask in return. I’m in my era of demanding reciprocation and trying to hold boundaries
Another excellent topic. My wife is a relentless people-pleaser. It's a source of stress that seems to be endless. The current issue is with our extended family, spouses of our children. She does everything for everyone absolutely free and she ends up with very little time to herself. My concern is her fixation on being "liked" by our daughter-in-law. She can be paralyzed by a lack of gratitude or acknowledgment from someone she's given so much to. Wanting to be liked by others is heavy on her mind and this is a standout since my wife is extremely nice and loved by everyone... save one, the DIL. I'm fine with being acknowledged or not, and that's freeing. But my wife has a profound "need" to be liked by those around her. How can I get her to simply accept that not everyone will convey their appreciation or affection? The more she tries to reach out, the less she gets back. Family is different, we want everyone to care about everyone, and it just isn't realistic. Thank you, I'm binge-listening while I'm working.
I say sorry all the time as well like you Kati 99.999 percent of the time I don't know what I'm sorry for, but also like you it's people pleasing, and afraid of conflict, I'm going to try and do the "ask myself questions before I blurt out "I'm sorry" and see if a sorry is really necessary, so thank you for that.
I never knew another person to describe what I go through daily in anxiety, people pleasing etc.. most people including my parents just don't get it, so it's feels good to be validated and not feel like I'm the only person in the world that sometimes struggle with these things.
I have I'd say an extreme aversion to conflict as well. To the point where I'll feel stress if I know someone doesn't get along with me or thinking if I don't do enough I'll lose a good connection. I think also as a single girl dating, you're exposed to a lot of guys who make you feel like you're not doing enough. "you look great, but I go for personality not looks" or a guy you date posts about how he can't wait to make new memories with better people. Dating itself sometimes centers around pleasing people in just the right way, but I love what you said that there are people who enjoy being around us just for being us. Good to remember. A good relationship shouldn't stress you out or make you feel less than.
Definitely feel a lot of this. I can't stand conflict. I hate it. It makes me physically anxious. I think there is possibly a normal amount of conflict in my life but I handle it terribly. I think I probably need a lot of therapy but I'm not sure even that would fix everything and I have no idea when I might be able to afford it and have adequate time. I'm sorry you deal with this. I hope you feel better. It's hard to deal with issues that don't make much sense.
also, the idea that saying sorry is a way of minimizing yourself totally resonates with me, and i see this in others. i have experienced the stress of both sides of people pleasing, it’s a struggle i unfortunately know well (haha)
I say I'm sorry when I feel overwhelmed.
I was trained to be a people pleaser from a very young age. I grew up in a violent household & in order to minimize the violence that was directed toward me, I kept my head down & did exactly as I was told. My father made it very clear what his expectations were of me & I did as I was told as an extreme form of self preservation. It has been REALLY hard to break the cycle. It makes me angry when people say really negative things about people pleasers. Initially had no choice & it has taken me years to try to fix the pattern.
It was a valid form of coping in the situation you were in.
First of all, THANK YOU Kati for making this video! It really help me a lot to see where my people pleasing behaviour comes from. I know I have people pleasing behaviour trace back to my uni era but it hasn't really effect me that much from day to day until I start working. I work in a hospital as a healthcare provider, and this people pleasing trait has made some major negative impact on me. I noticed when I need to deal with pushy/audaious patients/ doctors/coworkers/patient's family member, I started to people please by doing what they want, saying what they want to hear. All of this is because I want to avoid conflict just like you! It make me very uncomfortable, anxious and stressed when I need to confront someone. This is quite problematic because deep down I actually disagree with some of the statements these people made, and yet I don't have the gut to oppose what they said which leave me with resentment and looping over and over what have happened to me. Thank you again for the video!
I feel you! I feel the same. I apologize for things that aren’t my fault. Immediately after, the other person says, ‘There’s no need to apologize’. I hear that response often so I must be apologizing too much. Not sure why….. To keep the peace maybe?
I'm a recovering people-pleaser too. Mine is rooted in childhood trauma but, I'm working on it.
I seriously struggle with people pleasing for the exact reasons u mentioned. Reading wise intelligent great people's quotes like Mark Twain has helped get me out of myself, and think about other people's bigger problems. Like people having it worse than u. It also gives me hope like they're big secrets that are unveiled. One quote by, I believe, Winston Churchill that helps with conflict is something like "If u face a danger do not turn your back to it and run. U have increased that danger twice as much. Instead face it unflinchingly and u have reduced that danger by half."
I think what you said about “saying sorry” all the time resonates with me. I often think things are my fault or that I’m to blame when someone’s upset. And trying to adapt my behaviour to tip toe around them is spot on to. I think asking the question “what are you sorry for?” Is powerful. We are not responsible for other people’s emotions or actions but unfortunately we have to heal from trauma that existed within these relationships. It’s hard.... but not impossible.
I love how people pleasing can be related back to Religious Trauma. When you speak about fanning over someone, it resonates with issues I see in my clients!
hi there kati omg everything you have mentioned i sooooo resonated completly it like you was taking about myself i do have found myself being a people pleaser and saying sorry for being sorry what the hell !!!!!!!! my hole life changed 3 years ago after the death of me mum and dad and the collapse of my family and found myself in a very toxic relationship she turned out to be very narcissist it was only till i had to leave the relationship it was only then looking into my relationship from the outside-in ... my hole reality of who & what i thought. I .... & my relationship was..... has been shattered forced me to look at myself the stuff i did & said behaved iv now been on a healing journey facing my shadow!!!!!! ( the dark night of the soul) and my spiritual awakening i just wanted to say thank you for your videos they helping alot xx
You just summed me up right there. 😅 Just realized recently that people pleasing is actually an anxiety issue.
My friend sent me here and WOW I have been called TF out 😩 Literally, not even five minutes in, I was immediately reminded of my kindergarten teacher who verbally and physically abused me. I did nothing to her. I remember always trying to be kind and be perfect so she wouldn't hurt me and guess what? It worked. So yeah there's that trauma and the potential start of my people pleasing.
God, I could write a whole essay explaining how everything connected to me and the new things ive learned bc if this video. Thank you SO MUCH for sharing this with us!! It has helped me gather so much insight on myself :')
Hi Kati, I've recently discovered your channel and I think it's great!
This video in particular was very enlightening and made me think about my own behaviour - I definitely struggle with people pleasing behaviour and I 100% recognize myself in what you were describing here - I constantly apologize for things that are clearly not my fault or even have nothing to do with me at all, I always feel like in in the way when I'm in public or that I'm inconveniencing people (like in the supermarket when trying to pack my stuff after I've paid for it and feel like I'm holding up the line), I always double or triple book myself for fear of upsetting someone by saying I just can't make it or I'm already busy, I avoid disagreeing with people because I don't want to argue or have some sort of confrontation, and I often worry that friends or family are upset or angry with me, without any evidence at all.
I'd love to see more videos about people pleasing behaviour and more tips about how to deal with it. Thanks!
i just figure that everyone is always mad at me and i am in everyone’s way, that just makes life much simpler.
I'm exactly the same with every point Kati. My best friend, therapist, and psychologist tell me that I'm a people pleaser... I say what I think people want to hear. And it's all because I avoid conflicts. "Sorry" is the number one word in my vocabulary. I also want to help people however that I can and put people ahead of my own needs.
Oh Kati, i fully understand this and your feelings. My grandmother passed away just a few months after I obtained my nursing license and Army officer commission then started active duty in the Army over 1000 miles away. My mom had passed away a few years earlier, so they were very close to us three granddaughters. After my grandma died, my grandpa just was so lonely that he couldn't continue. They had known each other since my grandma was 3 years old. He passed away 3 months to the day of my Grandma's passing. That broke me because I was very close to him. Please take care of yourself. Im sorry you're struggling, but i fully understand. Sending hugs your way.
When you started talking about your thoughts I said OH MY GOD! I can't tell you how many times I have done that, but not said anything, and then when they talk to me...everything is fine. It does help to distract to myself!
Totally resonates with me overthink constantly apologies do things I don't want to do because I'm afraid of conflict or being seen as rude
Dear kati. I am a chronic people pleaser. I say sorry to even everybody. I do cry so that people dont mad at me. I will accept everything that other person is saying even it cause me problem. And when i started taking stand for me people get more mad at me . I always ask people if you dont mind. Plz dont mind. And all that stuff. It scares me if someone is angry with me. And people around me takes advantage of it. I feel soo soo depressed for all that. Thanks for your help.i will try
I'm a people pleaser. Working on change. I can relate to the controlling emotions. I don't want anyone to feel bad or have a hard time so am constantly volunteering myself to meet what I perceive as their needs then feel resentful that my needs don't get met. As I am working on prioritising and meeting my own needs and allowing others their feelings I am finding some people who are used to the people pleasing me definitely don't like the change. These are the relationships that for me were not really two way in any case.
I’ve always been a people pleaser. Past history of complex trauma and multiple anxiety disorders. I don’t see why it’s such a ‘bad’ thing? It’s a survival mechanism and has kept me safe in the past. I’m learning to be myself and express myself without worrying so much about what other people think or want for me. Do what makes you happy as long as you’re not hurting anyone, including yourself.
In my case, fawning allowed me to be overtaken by others' agendas that ran me into the ground financially, so that's how it can be bad. I also was having a tough time not being certain of what to do and let other people make decisions for me instead. I was so angry before and couldn't even think straight. After being a victim of fraud, though, I've come out the other side of that hell with much more assurance in myself. I was uncertain, but only because everyone else was saying my ideas were wrong... only for me to end up listening to someone who only wanted to take advantage of me in the end. All the other ideas I had in mind beforehand would have been a much better idea. But at least I have learned and still am learning many things that I wouldn't have if it hadn't have been for that experience.
Thank you for sharing your story! I'm not a fan of conflict and have childhood trauma, so I am healing from people pleasing. The worst part is I used to people please with people I disliked, or even abhorred. Now, I've been pleasing myself more often but feel guilty when I do things for myself. I have a fear of failure and a fear of success, so it feels like I'm back in war, only with myself this time.
Thanks for all your videos! I've learned a lot and love how vulnerable and honest you come across. Bravery points galore!
When you said you struggle with this too it really made me feel more understood knowing all of us watching are not alone
Needed to hear this! This morning, people pleasing as I reflect briefly has hurt me a lot especially at times financially! People have also told me I constantly over apologize and over explain myself so something I’m working on and this pass week I signed up for therapy… thank you for your videos, they’ve helped and continue to help me a lot :) hope you have a gr8 day
Reading the title,
My answer probably yes, but I don't know how to stop except giving up and being a hermit for a few days. Recover the emotional energy.
I discovered my level of pleasing through texting. Because it gives you an opportunity to read and think about your response before you sent it. What my impulsive response is, and the one I eventually send, are often different. It reminds me to pause before answering during conversations.
Oh my god, I feel SO SEEN! Hearing you describe what I feel regularly is a mix of comforting and terrifying. Thank you for being vulnerable so other people can grow with you.
I people pleased for years becasue I had low self worth. I never cared about my feelings but I was always worried about how others saw me. It makes me sad when I look back at how low my self esteem was and how certain "friends" exploited my kindness. Thank God I got older and wiser and will not put up with this behavior anymore. Had to live and learn. Thanx for being here for us Kati and listening!
I wish I would have watched this video several years ago. When you talked about your parents having a minor argument and you wanted them to stop arguing, it hit home for me. I people please mainly to avoid conflict and I should be in control of and take care of myself first
Thank you for this video. The past few years have made me realize just how much people-pleasing seeps into my conversations with people. I think mine comes from a lot of anxiety and trauma. Learning about different experiences that can lead to people-pleasing has helped me keep it in check. I try to distract myself too because it helps me regulate simultaneously and I try to check facts with a trusted person who will help me look at the situation more objectively.
I struggle through this as well
Damn, this is me 110%. I’m an avid people pleaser, always minimize myself to a great extent and do ANYTHING to avoid conflict. That’s the only thing I know.
Amen! I also have OCD, and this and anxiety in general that mesh a lot!
I loved that you said that it could be because you lack self-worth and negative self talk
Hi Kati! Thank you for your video. I was in group therapy and the main therapist called me a "people pleaser" and she really had ill intent behind her comment. I never saw it as a bad thing, but now 7 years later I see I did not establish healthy boundaries. I just wish it had been a nicer and more sensitive therapist that delivered that back in the day! She was actually burned out and cruel & should have never beenin her position 😢 one day at a time❤
This video speaks to me so much. I didn't think of my reactions as people pleasing but more so that the scenarios annoyed me when someone reacted the way I didn't want/ didn't expect or lack of reaction all together (ingrateful). Would be very appreciative if you can do a video why overthinking can go down the latter path of "this is annoying" "please just go away" or "please just tell me what you want already". Hope it's not just me.
I could write a mile long comment but I'm worried that I would be a bit too much so I just say thank you so much for opening my eyes as well as all the other grateful commenters. Stay blessed!
People pleasing is INCREDIBLY damaging. And I say this as someone who has engaged in the behavior and just went through a fresh breakup with a Dismissive Avoidant who was engaging in the behavior. It's lying. People Pleasing is actually just lying. The faster you own that and drop the excuses the better life gets and fast. With my recent ex, I told her this and after our breakup she admitted that it was a huge revelation in her life. She realized it wasn't just me she was doing it to but actually multiple friends and family. It's a pervasive behavior that gets people tired of you. And the worst part is that YOU end up hating the people you're 'trying to please' because you don't understand why 'they don't have boundaries'. YOU are the one without the boundaries, actually.
You're so right about the people pleasing part. Most of the time I just suffer the pain in silence. I do not have the means to see a therapist and I am aware of free versions of it here and there, but I also have a very strong distrust of people because following their advice, I ended up wasting 15 years of my life, where I am now self aware that I am someone that doesn't have a lot of time and some people not a lot of patience either.
All I can say and warn others is don't think being very intelligent is sunshine and rainbows. It's both a blessing as much as it is a curse in itself. Take myself for example. Graduated with a 4.01 GPA in High School, learned on my own that college without a long term plan is a waste of time and a lot of money, corporations such as Lowes, Kroger, Gamestop and ect. try to make places like that look like a family, but is more akin to a cult and people will at times capitalize on people's misfortunes, stop thinking for themselves or pick up suicidal tendencies and call it a challenge (ie TidePod, Cinnamon, Skullcracker, Carona and ect "Challenge") and so much more.
At times I feel so hopeless that I isolate myself as much as humanly possible to not show people that I suffer so much and refuse to ask for help, because unless you understand that people are more likely to listen to someone with unbridled popularity to someone that is not even a blip on radar.
Thank you for sharing this, Kati. It's a real pain in the ass and especially when I believe it makes you a target for takers and narcissists as well.
I people please to avoid conflict at allllll costs. It’s slowly, emotionally killing me. 😔😔😔
I like the title “kati unfiltered”. It’s perfect for these types of videos. People pleasing was drilled into me by my parents and culture. I’m working on it though and it has made my life so much better.
Thank you for this. I’m a bad people pleaser. I have health issues that make me have to miss work and I feel so bad and my anxiety and depression kicks in bad. My boss is my cousin and that makes it 10 times worse for me. She and I decided today that I am going to take some time off and get my health straightened out. She said she would put me back to work when I get my health lined out. I draw disability and was working for her part- time. I’m trying not to freak out about this but. It’s really hard. I feel like I’m letting her down. Just about everything you said is how I feel. 😢
Omgosh! Okay editing Katie's input really resonated with me. Why the heck do I feel responsible for everyone's feelings??? But also to fact check myself I feel like I could come up with facts to tell myself and make me feel worse. Or maybe that's just being stuck in the spiral and rumination.
I just found your channel and this post, two years later I just feel so identified…..thank you so much for sharing this wonderful part of your life, thank you so much for making me feel not alone, not weird, not singled out……thank you so much, God bless you and I hope you’re doing much better at this time 🙏🙏😘😘
I definitely resonated with this video. I have that trifecta of people pleasing, weak boundaries, and conflict avoidance. A lot of it for me comes from a religious upbringing from which I took strong internalized homophobia and internalized racism(not sure if that is a thing but it feels right). I'm only now in my life seeing it and in a mind space where I'm telling myself I have to do something about it. So thanks for making this video, it helps to see someone so strong have struggled with the same thing.
Hi Kati, I've only just found your videos. I've also just been diagnosed with Asperges, I'm 47. I loved this video about saying sorry and people pleasing. Its something that I do all the time. I say sorry to people at work all day long. Hearing you say that you do too has really helped me. I also hate conflict with other people and I did not realise that its why I say sorry. I loved your Distract, check facts. I also think its me, and thats why people are acting like they do. Im sorry half the time for just being me. Anyway Im so glad I've found your channel. You also have amazing eyes. Sorry if that sounds weird lol. Xx
The problem is the disconnect between the facts + normal healthy boundaries and the acutal emotions I experience. It feels so right to say sorry, to give up space or to prioritize the needs of others. I suffer from a long history of dissociation, so I kinda never learned to base my behaviour on my own emotions und needs. I'm glad that I started to experience my emotions more, but it's so hard to learn how to deal with them, if they are so malfunctional in a lot of situations. Countering unhealthy thoughts and behaviours by questioning and logic, works for me, so I can stop thinking about the situations too much or try shift my behaviour a little bit, but the thing is, still feel that I act against my "nature" and that doesn't change, doesn't matter, if I go 10 times through every scenario. I logically understand everything, I have learned to control my thoughts fairly well, I know how healthy relationships and boundaries looke like, but I can't change my actual emotions. My body rewards me, if I please others, and shames me for priortizing my needs.
Yes, yes, and yes. I am guilty of just about everything you talked about. If only I had known then what I know now, I would have had a much better life! I loved the way you spoke about distracting and facts , how you put it into real situations, where it was more 'solid', if you will, not so abstract as it seemed to me in DBT. Of course, DBT wasn't even a thing when I was younger. Thank you!❤
The part where you talk about feeling responsible for other people's emotions... I felt that lol. My people pleasing definitely stems from anixety and control issues. I have to constantly remind myself that, not only can I not control anyone else, it's not my responsibility to.
Kati, this is spot on, you have identified what I go through every day. I’m an ultra people pleaser, and I believe being raised by a malignant and sadistic narcissistic mother has a lot to do with it. I am trying to learn how to create boundaries in my relationships. Thank you for this video.
Around 6:03, when you say something like imagine that people would actually just want to be with you for you and not because you people please, I started bawling. 🥺🥺
My therapist pinpointed the fawn response in me right away and all of this resonates… nice to know Im not alone in this and am grateful for this information
Girl! Yes! People pleasing reformer here!
I take it from shame. Feeling shame is so hurtful! Even though I know I shouldn’t feel ashamed about x, y, or z. I take it to be from always being in trouble or doing something wrong/impulsively! I have come to believe that I am either on the spectrum, or have adhd, or both… and being born fifth out the six kids, with a baby sister who was born sick, I was blamed for things that weren’t my fault, I was not allowed to ‘whine’ which was the easiest way for me to communicate. My parents split when I was little, so on top of being in trouble for everything all of my other siblings did, I felt responsible for that too. I feel responsible for other’s feelings because my actions caused mad/sad/glad/bad reactions from all family members. There is a little girl inside of me that just wants to be believed that I am good. I have to accept my negatives and compassionately love all of me. It’s the only way to not feel responsible for everything else.
This video is something I need to see. I’m a recovering people pleaser as well and some of your examples you gave shocked me because I didn’t even think it was considered people pleasing. Lately, I’ve been working on boundaries a LOT. I had a friend call me while she was running errands and shopping and I was on the phone FOREVER hearing her picking up items and so distracted and laser focused on what she was doing than actually having a conversation and barely listening to what I was saying. So, I put my foot down and politely excused myself and told her I need to eat dinner and we’ll catch up another day. She definitely got the message because she later texted me to apologize about being so busy while she was on the phone with me (I’ll reach out to her in the morning) I’m not gonna lie, it felt awkward setting a boundary, but it was necessary. I feel like being direct with people in the most cordial way possible and being polite should get your point across, so your not feeling resentful and beating yourself up.
I have a whole list of other things I’ve done to curb people pleasing, but it’s way too long lol 😆
My people pleasing definitely was not for attention, but definitely stems from a verbally abusive mother. One of those people who was very controlling on how chores & life should be done, kind of that walking on eggshells analogy since it was rarely anger for truly good reason. I have come a long way, much more focused on working on myself, but still say sorry a lot when I feel bad something didn't work out for someone I care for. I still have self esteem issues from her & bullies, but still better than before.
You literally put into words the reason I people please and it's identical to yours. I've always been uncomfortable by conflict and have struggled with anxiety for years. And I've done the same thing with a friend experience like that. I needed this more than I knew!
I like how you said in the one added portion how you find your self people pleasing because you feel a responsibility of others emotions. Along find it hard to see that healthy boundaries can be upheld…something along those lines.
And I can definitely relate 100%.
This was such a vulnerable and such a HELPFUL video omg Kati. Thank you so much for your honesty. If you ever feel lesser of yourself as a content creator, this is your sign to keep going. You are making a big difference ❤