I’m the same… the only people I interact with are my children… and I’m perfectly at peace. I don’t trust myself anymore to be a good judge of character…
Same Trust to to be earned and carefully monitored I only hang out with my self, husband, son, brother, nephew and my mother I’m completely content and relaxed I do enjoying meeting some people and having great conversations but that’s as far as it goes
I've been dealing with narcissistic abuse my whole life and I'm 62 now. In the last year, I haven't wanted to go out or be around people. I just want to be home alone, comfy in my own sanctuary, healing.
Healing yourself sometimes take most of your effort and can be efficient. Being able to heal yourself means you are not ending up being the broken glass piece that cuts others! Cheers to you ❤
Don't worry what people label you. All these "normal" people have their own issues. But they don't have a horrific catalyst like we did to force us into a healing journey. We are forced to do the self work that plenty of other people ignore. That is a gift, eventually. And it makes us strong! I personally think it makes us stronger than them. Which is why it's easy for me to ignore people and their incorrect and dumb opinions. Why would I care what they think, when I know what I'm doing and they aren't doing. Please don't worry about them.
When your nervous system is damaged like that, it takes a long time to heal it and it’s EXHAUSTING. Being around other people and places can be very triggering if your nervous system is burnt out
Unless of course the perpetrator of abuse against you is a public person well liked at the time. Then it is only more exhausting going out anywhere their fans around campfires might be. Fans who sometimes show up just outside your house to peer into your front window too long after you leave them. While other animal rights activist fans for example long hold it against you only for talking out loud when trying to decide what to do with a leach after applying first aid for a swimmer during those summer camps too. When a priest by the name of Michael Mirueau took on that role here in Edmonton Alberta Canada I felt so relieved.
@@syon600 She probably lost her house and ended up in an apt, 767sqf is not huge! many of us downsized to a small appt after losing our house and most of our savings due to the narc relationship. How do you know she didn't save for years to get where she is now?
@@syon600 yeah I had a older brother who helped me stay in extended stay America for a couple of months till I got back on my feet and found a job. I crawled out of a 4400 sq ft mansion in a 1/3rd acre property somehow
Just being able to think, without it being hijacked. Make plans, lists, hear the birds, feel your own feelings. Blessed silence. Feel yourself and your own energy. Miraculous.
Absolutely! No walking around on eggshells and catering to their every ridiculous need. Being able to take the time to do the things you love without being accused of neglecting them. No interrupted sleep. Long, peaceful baths. Not having to watch every word you say, monitor your tone. It’s fantastic being alone.
✅️No narc ✅️No flying monkeys ✅️no gaslighting/ cruelty ✅️Peace & Safety at home Being with a narc IS a form of being alone... but w/ a lot of stress & drama. Once they're out of your life you realize YOU were the WHOLE relationship anyway & you begin to like & appreciate yourself during that season of healing & being alone....but with peace now😊
Don't feel alone. I was always a loner since age 12, met the alcoholic covert womanizing narc in middle age, and left the narc 3.5 years later. I have no desire to date again for fear of ending up with another narc who will waste my precious time.
@@jennygreenwood1756 yes. As an only child, for decades I longed for a Significant Other but at this age, I am content with having a house of my own, my dog and cat and a lot of quiet after turmoil and cruelty. I have come to terms that even with the best will in the world, a good relationship may not be achieved and being alone can be the best solution.
Im a burned out nurse. Ive been through some major life changes and spent many years ignoring my own needs to care for my family. Now my kids are independent in their 20's, I am taking a time out. Now I am learning to care for myself. I took a less demanding job and now have time to find inner peace and to learn how to love myself. I go outside, but it is to walk or bird watch. I hope you all stay strong. Don't be afraid to step away and care for yourself.
I have lived alone, nonsocial, no friends, selected family for 25-years. I know the front door will never be kicked in, a raging demon will never start accusing me of things that I don't even know what is being discussed, I will never calculate what body position I can assume that will not tip into my being murdered, I will never faint from fear. My books, my music, my body, my behavior will never be mocked. I've lived in paradise for 25-years.
I've been on my own for 25 years. It was difficult at first because I didn't know who I was but now I'm never bored, always grateful for the small things I can do without judgement or moaning. I've decided I don't want anyone in my home except daughter and her children, who rarely visit anyway.
I can relate to this. Or trying to find out what you know when they know more! I am at home and I will do everything to try and keep my own space. Who wants to go out and try to deal with these messed up liars?
I just want a quiet forest home, the plants, the wind, the beautiful trees, to feel nature and her spirits. That's what I crave. Feels so beautiful and healing.
My narcissist was my mother. Never listened, always criticized and berated me. It became so I was only comfortable when alone. It was safe. I still feel that way decades later. Dont like crowds, dont even like noise. Love evenings when theres only silence. Sometimes it occurs to me that this is a personality quirk, that im broken and should fix me. Then I realize nah, I like me this way. I'm missing nothing☺️ Hope someone can relate. We are ok just like we are. Rather be this way than be so peer dependent and need all the validation some people require. So bottom line, what i wanna say, is be yourself, enjoy who you are.❤ Never feel inadequate in your person. We have already been there. Dont go back❤❤ Also, maybe you, as I am, are a highly sensitive person. Look that up (UA-cam it) and see what you think. If you are, then that will give way to understanding and accepting yourself better. Life's a challenge but worth the effort 💪❤
Hi Diane, I can relate 100% as we have similar situations... only, my mom is good to me despite of her personality traits, she isnt aware of her own behaviour and the impact it has had on me. But she has always had my back financially... her way of showing love. Its because we are hyper sensitive that we get hurt by behaviour that most people think of as normal. Dont forget that. And try going out in nature like a forrest or a beach and take your shoes of for a while, if possible this is the best cure XXX
@@muzikelektronik No, narcissistic behavior is not normal. My father was sexually assaulting me, and I went to my mother, and she thought it was so funny. She almost spit out her coffee. So, it's NOT normal. I think you grew up in a normal household or you wouldn't be calling it normal. Seems to me you have not known a narcissist. There's nothing normal about them. Please don't be insulted this is just my opinion. It doesn't mean anything.
@@muzikelektronik hi☺️yes 100% nature is my best resource for rest, peace, joy, solitude, and the reminder whats real in life. Seeing the symbiosis in nature is just so rewarding. And I have the quiet there to consider the Creator who made it all and how perfect it was made. It only gets messed up by us humans😒so again I love my alone time. XXX
@@Jane-Doe.1126 Because whole their ego is fragile as f. That's what make them so aware of others, that's what make them mock everyone. They live in fear that everyone better then them, so being rude to people balance their life. God, what a parasites they are! I get angry as a beast every time when I think about them. Absolutely yacky and nauseating "people".
exactly...all my sister and mom did was talk about others or band together to bad mouth me....i am done for 7 years now. i am at peace doing my art at home....the end
Yes…to hell with what the masses think or say about those of us who need/prefer/decide to take time to be alone. As J. Krishmamurti said, “It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.”
I do sweetie. The same was happening to me. I didn't even know I was allowed to speak. They made a big deal in front of others at how shy I was. But it was really their abuse.
When you've lived with a narcissist for years and you finally gain your freedom, it's a time of learning about yourself, your strengths, your weaknesses, and finally, to be set free from bondage. It is a time to breathe, to heal; a ray of hope, and a renewed faith in my Lord. Solitude is the word!
I find the hyper vigilance to be a gift I’ve had it for 4 decades and I hope it never goes away But I understand too much worldly exposure I do need my time alone to replenish my energy
Yes! Single mom now and for the first time, staying home is my safe place, so I enjoy the fact that no one can stab me in the back (“friends”) or abuse me (ex). The peace and quiet has never been so therapeutic
THIS is so me! I used to be a social butterfly with many friends. After several narc betrayals (including my family), I haven't dated anyone in nearly 5 yrs. I really love the peace, quiet, and mental calm of staying home. 🏡
I used to spend the majority of my time in libraries when I was a teenager, and as a young adult. (1970's). I even worked in a college library system for about 3 years. It was heaven. The only place I could get a grip. And this was many years before any therapy - which I had in the 80/90's - but no one understood narcissism at that time, and so, I did not even know I was suffering from narcissistic abuse until 2018 (especially after seeing the Chris Watts debacle). It certainly helps everything to fall into place now, and getting that "a-ha" moment, like when I watched this video.
voyagehome5810 - I often have stated, Peace is everything. It ain't love, money, nice home, nice crap sitting around your home...it's PEACE. And I finally have it at 57. 🫂❤️
Sir... I am so sorry about your parental experience. That is truly horrifying. You did not deserve that. You obviously have a lovely heart. And now you help people, which is even more generous. No child deserves to be berated and belittled like that.
I had to completely leave the whole of my Narcissistic family members except a couple,the mental and emotional abuse made me attempt suicide, I just want to be around animals and nature i never trust again, I mean that .,i want to be free of back biting ,slander shouting , screaming ,punching ,loud , hatefulness ,mocking arrogant humans,i just want PEACE, just PEACE
I only want to be at peace with me. My daughter wants to be at peace with my abusers. Which to her is everyone. family. no thanks I can live without them.
This is what I am going through now. One year since I left the narc, I stay home a lot. I want to socialize, but I can only take so much talking. After a while I get tired and just want to be home in peace and quiet. I don’t like small talk for the sake of it. I do enjoy being around people that make me laugh. I find laughter so healing.
I too am like you. If I have plans to go out and meet friends, as I walk out the door to go I think to myself, “I can’t wait to get home”, I only go out thinking I have to for my mental health but at times it’s worse
Same. I've listened to so many endless hours of people uselessly moaning or ranting about problems we all face but theirs is so much worse 😒. And they don't have an off switch for the faucet, it just pours and pours, and you don't even need to be there, a cardboard cutout of you with a credit card would suffice if you didn't have to periodically give a yes or oh no or an opinion about the boring banal crap stream. I'm all "talked out", and most especially I'm all listened out. My own wounds that no one sees and few would barely care about are mine alone. And I wouldn't want to talk about them anyway, since it would just echo like the narcisism I've heard, in my own ears.
When you mentioned “the terror in our bodies” that stops us from talking, that really hits me. When I was a young girl living under my parents’ roof, my highly narcissistic & emotionally unstable mother would literally demanded me to shut up when I tried to talk to her about what happened in school, problems I thought she might help me with, just normal conversations normal parents usually are glad to carry out with their kids. She also constantly gave me hateful & condescending stares o yelled at me over nothing. I was a good kid, honestly, straight A student &=always obedient to my parents. My parents only wanted me to be silent & obedient. I didn’t realize the severe detrimental effects until very late in my adulthood. I’m afraid to assert myself & at work my supervisor criticized me for lack of communication. It’s because I was never allowed to speak growing up 😩
I can so relate to this. I used to enjoy leaving home, going out to dinner or movies etc. Now I prefer to be home as much as possible. Home is my peace.
@@DrineThePoet It costs too much to eat out these days anyway. If I don't feel like cooking, I pop out to a nearby shop and buy a ready meal to heat up at home. Most of the food in restaurants is heated up ready meals. Lots of films to watch on TV and if I miss a film there are the streaming catch up channels.
I need so much stabilization from 50 years of narcissistic abuse, that I even eat the exact same foods 3× per day for months until I'm so sick of it that I move on the the next 3 meals for the next several months. I really like this mans videos!!! There needs to be more people in the world like him👍💯😊
Wow yes. I do this too and never realised the driver. Also... wearing the same clothes every day. A very small routine that feels both soothing yet frustrating at times. Loving ourself is easier when we understand why we need to do these things.
This is how it goes. Yes, indeed! However, I began to quit socializing 5 years before I got him out of my life. I live in a small town. The few friends I could count on either died or moved away. Everyone else believed his lies about me. To socialize and have to get the stares and looks as he did his social butterfly routine made me want to just scream. Most people these days are incredibly stoopid. Honestly. It is much easier to get someone to believe a lie than to convinced them that they were lied to. And people will readily believe something bad about someone, but question someone's success.. this is how heartless humanity has become.. The emotional IQ of people around me is that of small children. I turned 66 this year. 50 to 70 year old people acting like teenagers, I simply find repulsive After finally getting out of a 17 year marriage to the beast from hell...covert narcissist, diagnosed bipolar with psychotic episodes...I am now in my 3rd year alone. I LOVE, absolutely LOVE my solitude. I have my animals, I do work part time and have interaction with my clients, but social settings, well, I am more alone in large crowds of people than when I am by myself. I talk with God...my best friend... I know that being highly empathetic has it's drawbacks but I will take being me any day over the soulless, heartless ones out there. Much LOVE and healing to all of you❤❤❤
Thank you! Much love and healing to you, too.😊 Congratulations on getting out of that life with a narcissist and getting into your new life of peace.🥳 You have a wonderful testimony. Thanks for sharing!
This is what I deal with now. It is disgusting. "To socialize and have to get the stares and looks as he did his social butterfly routine made me want to just scream. Most people these days are incredibly stoopid. Honestly. It is much easier to get someone to believe a lie than to convinced them that they were lied to. And people will readily believe something bad about someone, but question someone's success.. this is how heartless humanity has become.. The emotional IQ of people around me is that of small children. I turned 66 this year. 50 to 70 year old people acting like teenagers, I simply find repulsive."
I am in the process of a complex healing. In the middle of breaking free after years under the thumb of a narcissist man, i was called upon to care for the original narc in my life when she became terminally ill. It was a painfully confusing three years. She passed away last summer and I'm still trying to come to terms with my grief. But, i got my own place now. I love my tiny little haven. It's a 400 sq foot apartment. But its all mine! I can decorate however i want. I can take a leisurely bath. I can leave my crafts out on the table. No one is trying to keep me in just one little corner of one little room. On the downside, I've realized that in my declining health i wish i had someone to rely on for help when i need it. But I'd much prefer loneliness to the abuse!
For someone who did not dare to open his mouth to say anything, you have changed completely into this very eloquent psychological teacher- and with humor on top ! Very impressive, Danish 👍
This one hit me physically with the shock of realisation; this is what I'm doing now. Staying at home, working out a routine, and doing things - shopping, cleaning, reading when I want to. If I don't want to, I don't do it. The only thing I must do is to walk my dog
I just paused the video 7 minutes in to run to the comments and say the same 🫶🏻 proof those like us are our best teachers, let us keep learning from each other to heal each other!! 🙏🏻❤️
This is me. I now live alone, kids grown and I’ve moved into a community in the woods far from where I lived for 50 years. I sometimes notice that my few neighbors frequently have company, but I just can’t manage it. My abuse started with my birth family and then on to an abusive marriage and a dangerous career that I chose to stay in. Nowadays my life revolves around my pets, nature , reading, etc. I have been here for 7 years now, but I’m still not ready to emerge. Listening to this makes me feel less like a weird person. Also, I’m very sorry for the abuse you yourself suffered as a child. I get it and my heart goes out to you. Peace.
Have your neighbours ever shown any signs of kindness or concern for you or do they think you are some sort of snob? Asking as I'm in the exact same situation and my neighbours continue to ignore me.
@@johenderson3742 I think they’ve given up on me socializing but since I am polite, wave and offer help if anyone needs it, I don’t think they believe I’m snobby, at least I hope not 😊
@@johenderson3742 They might be respecting what they perceive as you valuing your privacy or solitude, & boundaries in case they are there, letting you decide. Some people actually do have sensibilities. Some always let others make the first move. It varies. I go with my gut not my head, on people these days. My head was programmed with "don't be a bother" (maybe theirs were too, that 1st move thing can be that) but my gut detects character traits & attitudes really well. Hypervigilance has its uses lol. I notice micro expressions & posture & vibes..... Do what you want. You can be friendly in passing but busy, or you can go befriend them & see. Either is acceptable. & You can keep it light, temporary, options open by having something you're working on that takes a lot of time in case you need an excuse to withdraw. Be writing a book. It can be a notebook lol, recipes or quotes or shopping lists. Idk.. I'm not saying lie, I'm saying I can't think of an example so something to bounce off of. 😂
They are "too busy". I have made a couple of suggestions via email that we collaborate on little things. They promise to pop over but never do. I even sent a little sympathy card after they informed me their dog had passed. I'm giving up now. 1 year of no contact speaks volumes.
1. Being at home means having positive control over surroundings 2. It's your own space, and you can claim your autonomy 3. You may struggle with agoraphobia 4. When at home, you can control your time 5. The solitude of a safe space
This makes perfect sense. I also feel anxious and violated having unwanted house guests (my new partner's parents wanting to stay with us fot 2 weeks 😢)
This is so true! Psychological abuse is a living hell that I don’t wish on anyone. Clearly the few friends I thought I had who listened to what I was going through, stalking and constant harassment, had their own self serving agendas to fulfill and really didn’t give a shit about my mental health….as long as they benefited, they were willing to ignore the damage being caused. So yes indeed, staying alone and not allowing them any access to any life, is critical to my continued healing
I realized I didn't have friends after I had cancer. I had surgery and I'm clear. They tried to come back around the time my son was diagnosed with progressive MS and I realized they weren't my friends. They never ask about my son. Everything is a competition or a disagreement. I told them maybe I'll see them after the New Year in 4 months but No.v
I totally agree 😁 At home you feel peaceful and relaxed. After going through narcissistic abuse, my nervous system took a beating. Years of narcissistic abuse from mum & sibling took a toll on me. I married a physically abusive guy. After he died in a traffic accident, my abusive mum & sibling re-entered my life. They started their vicious, malicious cycle of abuse all over again. I feel like I survived a major war because of all of the stress and drama these people put me through. The nicer I was to them, the worse they became. I find peace at home. I am nervous whenever I even imagine possibly encountering another toxic individual. Home is my sanctuary😁 Thank You Danish. Your videos are always full of wisdom and insight. I need these videos, they strengthen and empower us.
The old hoover floor model, lifetime guarantee to keep sucking you back in. My nervous system beyond took a beating too! Once we are groomed to be what they want, we identify the new abusers as familiar, and we get duped into relationships with them, until we fully understand all this stuff, and basically stop w/solid boundaries for ourselves. Sometimes we learn it all too late! I also dealt with a vicious triangulating sibling/parent combo, absolutely awful. I often believe they can harm the brain/central nervous system so badly, that a person simply loses the energy to press forward in life, extremely toxic (the world is hard enough without the abuse from those closest). As extreme as it might sound, the traffic accident was probably a blessing, do your best to realize you are enough, and try to escape the triangulating duo permanently! LIfe can absolutely transform for you, for the better with working hard @ looking inward. Keep your moral compass strong, find spirituality, meditate, and overcome them permanently with firm boundaries/personal strength!
Brilliant! Thank you for explaining to me why I don’t want to see other people and why I just want to stay in my nice little house and read books and watch TV and do whatever the heck I want. I thought maybe something was wrong with me. So happy to have found your channel!❤
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
I was always extraverted. But now i struggle interacting with people. I loved being social. It was a great quality of mine. I feel he stole that part of me.... Hopefully this is temporary.. Its part of my healing process..
Temporary yes, one must cast the fishing 🎣 line several times (k) in order to find a friend! You've got to go after life it won't be arriving at your door 🚪!
@@joseenoel8093 definately.... Not permanent but takes time. Sometimes I feel I am not healing fast enough for society and I struggle with that but i feel safe right now and feel this is where I belong in this moment. But getting stronger everyday!!
I remember very distinctly when I was in middle school…my parents would fight all the time and I said to myself that when I get married, I am going to have a calm household. And that’s what happened. I married, had two children and I made sure it was a calm household. Father is deceased as of a year ago and I felt nothing but relief. He was exhausting to be around. Just spent the last week being around a narcissistic sister in law and I find myself cocooning at home after this trip last week and didn’t understand why. Finding myself taking deep breaths. Now I understand why…I’m coming down from the extreme stress of this week. It feels good to be back at home, a thousand or so miles away. Husband has agreed that we simply cannot spend anymore time with this family member. Going no contact. Thanks for the video.
This video and this psychologist are so true. Life with a Narcissist for 10 years was horrific. Now I am alone with my little Yorkie, I am poorer but in peace. I was worried about my appreciation of solitude and believed to have become crazy, this video gave me great relief and will be listening to it again and again, thank you ❤
Thank you so much for posting this! I was raised by a narcissistic mother and spent 20 years married to a narcissist. I have spent the last 9 years in a very small apartment, but it is my castle! It is my favorite place to be. My job involves interacting with a lot of people so I need to decompress each evening.
Well thats what you get when life throws at you a narc after a narc, insincere after insincere. You just get too tired of people. And even if you are lucky to come across some genuine amazing people sth goes wrong or they dont intend to get closer to you and you let it all go. No hard feelings, no resentment, just want some peace and calm that is.
You described me perfectly!!!!!! My narcissistic mother is now dead and I’m still afraid!!! I need to be with myself in my safe place! I talk to myself with love and tell myself that I am ok and that I am going to be ok. Thank you ❤ it all makes sense now
Personally after being in such a chaotic environment with narcs, it's just nice to be in a peaceful space for once and then I just got used to being alone, I'm a homebody and enjoy my alone time now doing what I like, not having to deal with other people's moodiness, the confusion, or doing things to get attention all the time. There's more narcissistic behavior present than ppl think, and it's draining.
My safe space is not just my home, which I keep locked down, but more specifically, my bed on the second floor, with my weighted blanket, is my ultimate safe space. Rest is my escape, but with constant heightened anxiety and life or flight vivid dreams, sleep is not always a safe place, but it’s my ultimate safe space, as dreams aren’t reality, but just my brain processing the day, which I clearly have of a lot of anxiety and stress.
Ask them to do something for you. Something small. Something you would do for them with no hesitation. If they are narcissistic or otherwise toxic, it will ALWAYS go at least 1 of 4 ways (though sometimes these reactions may compound): They will act as though they didn’t hear you. Depending on how long you’ve been in the relationship, you may ask again. If it’s been long enough, you’re likely to drop the request right then and there. They will promise to do it, but never follow through. If you ask again or remind them, they will usually have some kind of excuse. In these cases, they will still never actually fulfill their promise. Their excuse is not a reason for lagging, it is the reason they should be absolved from all expectation whatsoever. Often this excuse will be meaningless or an outright lie.If you don’t buy their excuse, and tell them so, you will experience the wonderful segue into reaction. An argument will ensue The argument will be your fault. It could be a small back and forth contending against your request, or it might quickly devolve into them screaming at you. You never know which it will be. They might even say outright that you should never ask or expect anything from them. Usually they will express that you are asking too much, hurting them in some way (financially, emotionally, insulting them, etc), or attack your character. The argument will only end when you relinquish your request + apologize, or start ignoring them completely. If you can ignore them long enough, they may apologize to you. However, the conflict will never feel truly resolved. At this juncture they may actually end up giving you what you asked for. Often this does require you admitting that you don’t really need it, or that you would be fine with what they suggested instead. This leads us to reaction They give you what you asked for, BUT There is ALWAYS a catch. It might be small. They show up late with no apology. They buy you what you wanted, but it’s the wrong color, model, brand, etc. They take you where you wanted to go, but pressure you the whole time you’re getting ready because you’re going to be sooo late. Then they want to leave early anyway. It might be worse. They do it out of anger, and make a big display out of it to scare/hurt you. They hold it over your head until you do something for them first. Or, later on, they use it against you. “I did x for you, so you should do y for me.” No matter what, you never actually feel fulfilled, happy, or loved when they do something for you. Somehow, even from the getgo, there was this deep-seated feeling of guilt and fear, this sense that the “special” things they were doing for you weren’t so special at all. Eventually, you become afraid to ask for anything. You’ve been conditioned to believe you deserve nothing. Ironically, or not, the less demands you make, the worse you will be treated. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done digitalinvestigate@gmail.com
I've not heard a more descriptive spot on system of understanding of what happened to you at the hands of a narcissist. Bravo...you've just dropped a rescue line thank you.
@@sloanmagnum5009trolling? Spamming? I was not asked to buy anything. No one cheated me out of anything but a few minutes. He has the scenario down and methodically spells it out. Heartbreaking! I do know! True.
I didn't realize how bad and abnormal and traumatic my life had been until I was put into a situation of living alone with my mom's 9 cats after she passed. I'm 67. I so appreciate you putting out this video. I feel "guilted" by friends who don't understand how important safety and control are, after a lifetime of chaos. I suffered religious abuse as a child which was never recognized as abuse, and I see religions moving in that direction again. Plus, the cats!
Thank you for all your reassurance. I would be rich if I had a £ for every time I've been told " you just need to get out more", " you've got too much time to think about things" etc etc. Now I'm reassured I'm staying at home to regain my peace, my peace of mind, my ability to keep myself safe and to stay away from everyone like this that keeps telling me what I should or should not do. That's what I've had a lifetime of and left me mentally and physically exhausted. I will do exactly what is best for me, at 65 it's about time!! Xxx
I can totally relate. My ex managed to get me expulsed from our home. I rented a very small studio and felt like it was a safe castle. And then I became an hermit. A peaceful hermit
I grew up in a narcissist family. Dated narcissistic men, had narc friends. It’s like a curse had been spoken over my life. I am healed now and feel burned out by people. I used to be very empathic but now I’m like screw everyone apart from chosen few. I look after number one now and spend most of my time alone. I love my peaceful life and I am so grateful to experience it after hell on earth. Please know you can get out and have a happy life people xxx
You are spot on! I hit 60 and something clicked in me. I am done and I have absolutely had it. I have a 90 year old covert narc mother and an ex-husband who is a malignant narc. I have all but completely cut off my mother. I want to exist in peace. I do not let people push me around anymore. I even work from home now.
After not communicating with my narc mom for over 3 years, I heard she was diagnosed with cancer. So, because I care, I went and helped out with taking her to chemo therapies and around the house….big mistake! I flew half way across the country and thought the cancer would make her more humble and thoughtful - not a chance! I haven't spoken to her for months now and still trying to get over how both my parents who are narcs have emotional abused me. I left exhausted, broken and so disappointed. Sometimes I blame myself for believing they would change. They're no longer in my future plans and I can't spend another second worrying about them.
@@aimee3973 Ready for a longer story? After a lot of therapy I was no longer my mother`s doctor therapist handmaid lady in waiting, mother etc etc. I didnt feel the need anymore to try to help with her depression or otherwise have any thing to do with the way she was FEELING. I figured as a child she fed me and clothed me but she never really cared about how I was feeling either. She was cruel and possessive - like being chained to your abuser. So in her old age I put her in a home and paid for it. She got care there. I hardly ever visited. The one or 2 times I did she was nasty, as usual. When she died I had her cremated and her ashes were strewn over a beautiful lake. That was it. I didnt have a choice really because there as nobody else to do it. Nobody was there except for myself and a girlfriend of mine. I wished for her that she finally finds peace - those were my last words. I didnt shed a tear. But what I found out in years of psychoanalysis is that the hardest thing to let go of was hope! I kept hoping that she would change. It took years to let go of that hope! But when I finally managed to do that- it absolutely freed me. I can give you my blessing to not attend the funeral of your mother. But would that work for you? You need to give yourself that freedom. And as for the gossip- I was immune to that already and there was nobody around in the end anyway because my mother had alienated everybody in her life. She was truly all alone - her worst nightmare- and she had herself to thank for that. I have no guilt or feelings of obligation except that she had physical care and not by me but a team of professionals. Oh and a funny or tragic story at the end- when I went to the home to see about her belongings - the manager greeted me and walked me to her room- and he told me how funny my mother was- she had a great sense of humor. I was silent. All my mother showed me when I went there was the dying swan act. To her dying day she tried to manipulate me to serve her by pretending to be so miserable. But she seems to have had a lot of laughs with the nurses?! Yeah- narcissists are really the bottom of the barrel. No regrets. I saved myself. They put us in the situation of having to chose.
Yes, very insightful. "Freedom is not just freedom from the narcissist in your life but freedom from everything that is narcissistic" - well said, and once we start notice everything that is narcissistic out in the world we realise just how rampant it is.
This is so true. I love my place staying away from people and enjoying my own company. I am both the daughter of and the ex-wife survivor of Narristic abuse. It's been a nightmare and ruined my life. Surviving these devilish people is the hardest thing I have ever done. You are so right on target...
You have described me exactly. I’m semi-retired and work from home. Lately, I have noticed my work has improved. I don’t feel rushed and can take the time to learn more skills. Of course I don’t charge my boss for the extra time. It is just satisfying to know I can still learn. I was in a thirty-year marriage and did not realize it was abusive, because I was never hit or yelled at. He just shut me out, criticized everything about me, refused any conversation and eventually committed a long term affair with a tawdry girl half my age. After moving away, I tried to take care of a bipolar brother for twenty years. Meanwhile, I was enduring constant pressure and criticism from his flying monkey, who blamed me for his every depression or foul mood. I eventually moved to a senior complex in which I am forbidden to have roommates. I stay to myself. Even friendships are too complicated. I am friendly to my neighbors, but at a safe distance. I am friendly to the people where I shop. But I have learned to avoid close entanglements with anyone. It is just too stressful and draining to maintain.
I brought a campervan I feel so much better just doing the shopping. If I get overwhelmed Instead of driving home with no groceries. I can go to my van pull the curtains, lie down, read a book, I can even have a cup of tea and a biscuit. What ever I need to re regulate myself. Then try again. I always go home with my groceries now. I am also exploring national parks and nature with my daughter. I love it I can take my home (safe place) with me and I can leave whenever I want
Best episode yet, for me. Everything about safety and how healing begins with stabilization! Explains why I am enjoying my retirement in a little seniors apartment. I have had to move frequently for various reasons. Now I enjoy my routine and don't allow anyone to cross my boundaries. There are a lot of people who definitely have narcissistic traits, that I avoid, but my main trauma is from my 15-year marriage. Thanks for this video. ❤
Thank you, Danish. Listening to you talk about normalizing self isolation, I let out a heavy exhale and felt a great sense of validation. I have often wondered if it's okay to want to just stay home with my very calm and supportive partner and my emotional support pup. There are so many voices saying to get more therapy and find community. It makes me feel attacked and shamed. An additional thing I deal with is having a hard time making friends because I am just too much for most people. I tend to over share and trauma dump. Understandably, it scares people away. And it's so exhausting to keep trying. I prefer just being around the people who love me unconditionally and that I don't have to live up to societal expectations with.
I pray that you find a compassionate friend Who you can both share the good memories and the bad memories without feeling any condemnation... I also pray that you have lots of laughter in your new friendship❤
I suffered with extreme social anxiety my whole life before the narc. After the narc it is just unbearable and I have 0 desire to be around people or lots of noise. My anxiety manifests as anger and its just safer at home, for myself and everyone else plus its peaceful
After finally distancing myself from the toxic family relationships, I find it difficult to leave the safety of my place, EVEN THOUGH 99% of my interactions with people outside have been neutral or positive. It’s heartbreaking that in order to survive, narcissists will instill distrust of anyone other than themselves so they can more easily control the narrative.
well put, they hide their embarrassment covertly the best they can, and by doing so, you somehow become isolated, self-sabotage or abandonment. I don't really want my old friends back because they didn't get what I was going through, while a lot of it was happening, and the distrust keeps me from wanting new friends (even when meeting interesting people with decent boundaries). Totally hear ya! I take comfort in practicing DBT techniques, mindfulness, meditation, and taoist practices along with Mary Jane tbh. Never a timeline on this type of recovery, and it is very heartbreaking! All we can do is try to practice some self-love, look inward at our own flaws while accepting them as part of identity (not a curse, self-realize, get to know our own shadows). Does any of what happened to us, make any of us a truly bad person (in this moment right now as you read) nah! I think if we get to know ourselves well, we can learn to be open to hearing other people's opinions, and try to understand them without being wounded. Other people are responsible for their own feelings, just like we are all responsible for our own feelings; otherwise a person is simply projecting their feelings on another person, and their opinion is no more valuable than your own (thats a person's shen, it's innate to everyone, the inner voice that guides us, gut, or intuition). It's that understanding, I believe that can make a person grow far beyond the "giant beast" the narc feels like! Wish you well Ray, keep on the right path, work hard, and you will transform.
There are a great deal of people on youtube discussing narcissistic abuse. These videos can be real life savers. Sometimes, just the title of the video turns on a lightbulb and gives you another puzzle piece that helps you understand your state of mind. Incredibly validating and allows you to give yourself some patience and grace.
This video is so relatable not because I've been a victim of narcissistic abuse, but just because the amount of people in my family just naturally causes chaos most of the time, and so it has the same effect
You hit a nail on the head again Denis. The Narcissists find it hard to be alone because they have to deal with their suppressed shame and guilt whereas the narcissistic abuse survivors prefer to be alone, at home to recover from the narcissistic abuse. Also it is a way to distance themselves from the source of narcissistic abuses and the predators. Many thanks to technology that enables people to work remotely.
I can relate to each n every word that comes out of your mouth! I mostly remain at home so that I'm not judged by other people about my insecurities caused by narcissists around me
I live with my narcissist mother as her caregiver, she had a medical emergency in March and was in the hospital and rehab for about a month and a half I was so relaxed and calm when she was there it was just me and my dog ( she's my emotional support during this) I didn't have to wake up at 3am just because my mom wanted to talk, I could sit down and eat without having to get up every 5 minutes to get something she wanted that could of waited, I could get the house work done without interruptions. She is back home now and the vacation is over. I am really thinking about just getting my own place for me and the pup and having people come in to take care of her I really have had enough of her bull and entitlement.
Great episode! I really needed this. My friends and family don’t understand. They take it personal and think I don’t like them anymore. I have been dealing with this for 51 years, and believe me when I say ‘it is hell on earth!). I don’t enjoy life any longer.
Thank you soo much for this. I’ve really been beating myself up for being a homebody… you’re so right- People whom have never lived our story don’t understand this. That’s ok, they can not understand and I’ll keep my happy self at home.
I like being mostly alone because I just prefer my solitude more often than not. The narcissist didn't ruin my socializing ability but they did show me, after much reflecting that many people are either fake in some way and just want attention or they are only doing things to please people or fit in and I find that to not be genuine or honest so I'd rather avoid these people who just so happen to be everywhere.
That's is me. As a child I was always humiliated publicly by my mother and she would tell everyone that I disliked speaking. I was known as the child that doesn't talk in the community,. I would feel embarrassed and hated myself! I would spend hours in my room daydreaming while my siblings would play with their friends. I started having panic attacks and social anxiety since my teenage years. I never felt safe until I got my hone. I feel anxious at work and wish to have a job from home. Unfortunately many of my exes have been the same as my mother so I decided to stop dating and I feel freer by myself
I'm so happy with this video. No therapist has Ever described these issues to me it is so validating. Has anyone ever felt like they couldn't leave their house? Like they didn't want to be seen or run into anyone?
Soooo soooo true. I was always an extrovert 99.9% but after healing I still enjoy staying home more and more. It’s all about the peaceeeeee. Me and God. I get my people fix at church on Sunday and once a week on-site at my job. It’s enough stimulation and I choose who I want to give my time now. Not pressed for anyone in my life especially those who have not done their own inner work. I’m not tolerating no one that ain’t healthy.
I've always been very curious about this. In a previous living situation, I felt like I was being stalked and my stuff was no longer my own. I'm so tired and have a hair trigger tolerance for bad behavior in the world. I have no armor, emotionally, because I'm just so tired... I'm still so tired.
Thank you for this episode. It has helped me to understand my partner much better. He has high functioning autism and his default setting is self-isolation. His usual greeting to me is, 'I'm sorry.' He suffered much emotional abuse in childhood and it continued into adulthood. It has wrecked his life. I try to keep as calm and stable a routine as I can for him and make no demands at all. I don't know how to help him to heal. I have been trying for almost forty years.
I left my husband for this reason. I isolated myself and enjoyed my new quiet space. I needed to heal myself. It was peaceful and wonderful. I took a deep breath and knew I was going to be alright. Everything you said was so profoundly helpful. Thank you!🙏
When you are finally free your home no longer has them in it. Outside the home has your ex now and a whole lot more of the same kind. Home is freedom. I absolutely love it. I'm not debilitated in a way I mind....I can even go out, I can socialise, I just no longer find that those things make me as happy as just being in my home reading, cooking, making things, just slobbing around... whatever i want when I want. ❤
So true. And more malignant and sadist the narc is (yet the more "popular" he is seen as a wonderful person) you now realize that evil hides so well in "successful" people, and don't trust ANYONE, other than those who have seen you through hell and back.
I am a stay at home wife and mom, my 2 boys are grown now so I don't have to deal with all the school stuff anymore. And people have been telling me that since my youngest son graduated I have turned into a hermit. I alway told them I love being at home, it's not that I don't like people, it's just that I don't like the feelings I have being around people. I never could explain it any better than that.
My therapist and friends have been putting so much pressure on me to go out and date myself such as going to a fancy restaurant by myself but I just can’t ever bring myself to do that. Being out alone around other people is terrifying to me I feel so much more comfortable staying home after working from home all day and watching TV or reading. I was disappointed in myself for not being able to go out this video helped me understand why. It’s been a year and a half and I am still trying to heal from abuse by a malignant narcissist, he really caused me to be terrified of the world and every relationship I ever had before him was also with a narcissist, I seem to have given up on people.
Going out to eat at fancy restaurants alone is not appealing whatsoever! I tried it once at a casual spot and disliked it very much because I got the feeling they viewed me as a low priority and wanted me gone so they could put two people at the tiny table and earn more that way . I get takeout often though as it’s hard to cook for one . I don’t mind doing that - I actually brought a notebook with me to sit at the restaurant but it was not relaxing enough with my grumpy waiter ! So never again !
My cousin was stuttering out of fear because he was the golden child. He was afraid he would mess up and not receive the constant praise and adoration but instead be derided like me.
It absolutely has me. I'm just thrilled to have any amount of alone time, when I do. I've lost so many years to narcs. When I get alone time, now, my soul savors every drop. I love my own company & solitude. I find ppl very draining. Must take even the ones I DO like, in small doses. Definitely not letting any more narcs into my life.
I love living a drama free life, nothing waiting in the wings for me to feel anxious, worried, guilty or fearful about. I found that it was never "my" drama, it was theirs projecting it on me and I'm free from it now ✌
I don’t feel safe with people anymore. I only feel safe when I’m alone.
All people do is calculate what they can get out of you!!!
No more!!
I’m the same… the only people I interact with are my children… and I’m perfectly at peace. I don’t trust myself anymore to be a good judge of character…
Same
Trust to to be earned and carefully monitored
I only hang out with my self, husband, son, brother, nephew and my mother
I’m completely content and relaxed
I do enjoying meeting some people and having great conversations but that’s as far as it goes
I feel the same way.
Same
I've never felt more at peace than I do now. Never again. Never again. Never again.
@@tigerbunny6778 that’s great to hear - you can’t put a price on peace of mind - it’s the best feeling ever! 🕊
Amen
I've been dealing with narcissistic abuse my whole life and I'm 62 now. In the last year, I haven't wanted to go out or be around people. I just want to be home alone, comfy in my own sanctuary, healing.
Same for me and I’m 63
Dealing with or putting up with?
Same at 67.
Same at 46.
Me too
They labeled me for being lazy, while all I'm trying to do is heal myself
I second your emotion, UA-cam friend. I feel the same way.
Healing yourself sometimes take most of your effort and can be efficient. Being able to heal yourself means you are not ending up being the broken glass piece that cuts others! Cheers to you ❤
@@Nolongerhuman000 thanks love 💕
Don't worry what people label you. All these "normal" people have their own issues. But they don't have a horrific catalyst like we did to force us into a healing journey. We are forced to do the self work that plenty of other people ignore. That is a gift, eventually. And it makes us strong! I personally think it makes us stronger than them. Which is why it's easy for me to ignore people and their incorrect and dumb opinions. Why would I care what they think, when I know what I'm doing and they aren't doing. Please don't worry about them.
@@rubybonsparkletits2323 you're absolutely right I should be ignoring them and not be mad 💕 thanks love 💗
When your nervous system is damaged like that, it takes a long time to heal it and it’s EXHAUSTING. Being around other people and places can be very triggering if your nervous system is burnt out
I have complex PTSD, everyone says you need to get out of the house more, it's hard to trust when you don't feel safe but in your house
Unless of course the perpetrator of abuse against you is a public person well liked at the time. Then it is only more exhausting going out anywhere their fans around campfires might be. Fans who sometimes show up just outside your house to peer into your front window too long after you leave them. While other animal rights activist fans for example long hold it against you only for talking out loud when trying to decide what to do with a leach after applying first aid for a swimmer during those summer camps too. When a priest by the name of Michael Mirueau took on that role here in Edmonton Alberta Canada I felt so relieved.
@@youareloved8274 I relate to this in every way!!
💯
@@Cuzzakat I totally know how you feel...
I deleted my Facebook and decided to disappear from society for a while. It feels more peaceful and safe for me.
Good goin. It’s a life stealer.
I deleted FB too.
Feeling at peace in a 767 sq foot apartment and feeling like it is my empire is an amazing feeling.
🙏❤️
U r lucky. Some narc abuse victims even lose their housing, not a place you can heal from.
@@syon600 She probably lost her house and ended up in an apt, 767sqf is not huge! many of us downsized to a small appt after losing our house and most of our savings due to the narc relationship. How do you know she didn't save for years to get where she is now?
@@Heidi_137 I'm homeless due to narc myself. Wishing the lady well. Wondering how many sqm
@@syon600 yeah I had a older brother who helped me stay in extended stay America for a couple of months till I got back on my feet and found a job. I crawled out of a 4400 sq ft mansion in a 1/3rd acre property somehow
Just being able to think, without it being hijacked. Make plans, lists, hear the birds, feel your own feelings. Blessed silence. Feel yourself and your own energy. Miraculous.
Absolutely! No walking around on eggshells and catering to their every ridiculous need. Being able to take the time to do the things you love without being accused of neglecting them. No interrupted sleep. Long, peaceful baths. Not having to watch every word you say, monitor your tone. It’s fantastic being alone.
mirzamay - Hijacked. Isn't that the perfect word?! It is so on target 🎯
SaraEFR74 - I agree, I agree and I agree! Well stated! ❤️💯
This is a great description of me right now also!
@@SaraEFR74Uninterrupted sleep. Ahhhh 😴
✅️No narc
✅️No flying monkeys
✅️no gaslighting/ cruelty
✅️Peace & Safety at home
Being with a narc IS a form of being alone... but w/ a lot of stress & drama. Once they're out of your life you realize YOU were the WHOLE relationship anyway & you begin to like & appreciate yourself during that season of healing & being alone....but with peace now😊
Amen to that🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾 This is so true...
siantelove - Well stated 💯❤️
Well said thank you 😁
Alone is easier.
The most important relationship: the one with yourself. Treat yourself kindly.
You start seeing people for who they are, they're Real intentions
🎯
exactly
And almost instantly
I was a loner before the narc’s abuse; now I am an almost total recluse.
this!! me too.
Me too exactly
Same!!
Don't feel alone. I was always a loner since age 12, met the alcoholic covert womanizing narc in middle age, and left the narc 3.5 years later. I have no desire to date again for fear of ending up with another narc who will waste my precious time.
@@jennygreenwood1756 yes. As an only child, for decades I longed for a Significant Other but at this age, I am content with having a house of my own, my dog and cat and a lot of quiet after turmoil and cruelty. I have come to terms that even with the best will in the world, a good relationship may not be achieved and being alone can be the best solution.
Im a burned out nurse. Ive been through some major life changes and spent many years ignoring my own needs to care for my family. Now my kids are independent in their 20's, I am taking a time out. Now I am learning to care for myself. I took a less demanding job and now have time to find inner peace and to learn how to love myself. I go outside, but it is to walk or bird watch. I hope you all stay strong. Don't be afraid to step away and care for yourself.
Love this
I have lived alone, nonsocial, no friends, selected family for 25-years. I know the front door will never be kicked in, a raging demon will never start accusing me of things that I don't even know what is being discussed, I will never calculate what body position I can assume that will not tip into my being murdered, I will never faint from fear. My books, my music, my body, my behavior will never be mocked. I've lived in paradise for 25-years.
I've been on my own for 25 years. It was difficult at first because I didn't know who I was but now I'm never bored, always grateful for the small things I can do without judgement or moaning. I've decided I don't want anyone in my home except daughter and her children, who rarely visit anyway.
Thank you Danish, this is so true 👍 of how we feel after narc abuse. 💜💜💜
I can relate to this. Or trying to find out what you know when they know more! I am at home and I will do everything to try and keep my own space. Who wants to go out and try to deal with these messed up liars?
I just want a quiet forest home, the plants, the wind, the beautiful trees, to feel nature and her spirits. That's what I crave. Feels so beautiful and healing.
Sounds fabulous, want some company? 😅 Lol. All jokes aside, I've started to embrace this too, never felt better x Good luck to us ❤
My narcissist was my mother. Never listened, always criticized and berated me. It became so I was only comfortable when alone. It was safe. I still feel that way decades later. Dont like crowds, dont even like noise. Love evenings when theres only silence. Sometimes it occurs to me that this is a personality quirk, that im broken and should fix me. Then I realize nah, I like me this way. I'm missing nothing☺️
Hope someone can relate. We are ok just like we are. Rather be this way than be so peer dependent and need all the validation some people require. So bottom line, what i wanna say, is be yourself, enjoy who you are.❤ Never feel inadequate in your person. We have already been there. Dont go back❤❤
Also, maybe you, as I am, are a highly sensitive person. Look that up (UA-cam it) and see what you think. If you are, then that will give way to understanding and accepting yourself better. Life's a challenge but worth the effort 💪❤
Hi Diane, I can relate 100% as we have similar situations... only, my mom is good to me despite of her personality traits, she isnt aware of her own behaviour and the impact it has had on me. But she has always had my back financially... her way of showing love. Its because we are hyper sensitive that we get hurt by behaviour that most people think of as normal. Dont forget that. And try going out in nature like a forrest or a beach and take your shoes of for a while, if possible this is the best cure XXX
I can relate.
@@muzikelektronik No, narcissistic behavior is not normal. My father was sexually assaulting me, and I went to my mother, and she thought it was so funny. She almost spit out her coffee. So, it's NOT normal. I think you grew up in a normal household or you wouldn't be calling it normal. Seems to me you have not known a narcissist. There's nothing normal about them. Please don't be insulted this is just my opinion. It doesn't mean anything.
After 62 years with narc mother and sister, Im finally alone and in peace❤❤❤
@@muzikelektronik hi☺️yes 100% nature is my best resource for rest, peace, joy, solitude, and the reminder whats real in life. Seeing the symbiosis in nature is just so rewarding. And I have the quiet there to consider the Creator who made it all and how perfect it was made. It only gets messed up by us humans😒so again I love my alone time. XXX
For once in my life my home is a sanctuary.
Others can be "social" all they want. I give zero ducks about people who can talk about people.
❤
yep, that's all they do is talk about others. Why can't they mind their own business?
@@Jane-Doe.1126 Because whole their ego is fragile as f. That's what make them so aware of others, that's what make them mock everyone. They live in fear that everyone better then them, so being rude to people balance their life.
God, what a parasites they are! I get angry as a beast every time when I think about them. Absolutely yacky and nauseating "people".
❤❤
exactly...all my sister and mom did was talk about others or band together to bad mouth me....i am done for 7 years now. i am at peace doing my art at home....the end
Yes…to hell with what the masses think or say about those of us who need/prefer/decide to take time to be alone.
As J. Krishmamurti said, “It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.”
I was soooo quiet as a child becuz of the narcissists; they just called it shy. No one knew the trauma I ws goin thru
I do sweetie. The same was happening to me. I didn't even know I was allowed to speak. They made a big deal in front of others at how shy I was. But it was really their abuse.
Me too. ❤🎉
Me too
You are not alone. Please know that you are so very precious and worthy of peace.
Same here. I was afraid to speak in public, because at home my mom would pick holes in everything I said.
When you've lived with a narcissist for years and you finally gain your freedom, it's a time of learning about yourself, your strengths, your weaknesses, and finally, to be set free from bondage. It is a time to breathe, to heal; a ray of hope, and a renewed faith in my Lord. Solitude is the word!
Yes. Also the hyper vigilance. Always on guard. Noticing all details. Exhausting. Im fine alone.
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
THIS EXACTLY !!!
I find the hyper vigilance to be a gift
I’ve had it for 4 decades and I hope it never goes away
But I understand too much worldly exposure
I do need my time alone to replenish my energy
😢 EXACTLY! And observing that at yourself and cannot stop yourself from that! So exhausting and frustrating at the moment!
Me. 🥹I didn't know that what was t was..hyper vigilant 😦had no idea that was what I was doing 😒
Yes! Single mom now and for the first time, staying home is my safe place, so I enjoy the fact that no one can stab me in the back (“friends”) or abuse me (ex). The peace and quiet has never been so therapeutic
Why are you a single mom?
I wish people around us could understand this. And stop calling us lazy...and incompetent.
haleemasadiya4343 - I have learned not to give a fig what others think nor say. It's our life to live as we choose. To heck with them! 💖
@@haleemasadiya4343 amen...
Sounds like you found new narcissists to demean you. I've made this mistake as well. I'm tired of being around people I have to justify myself to.
Or saying you’re imagining this abuse. People not believing is very bad.
@lyndafowler-stevens9246 yes, yes ,yes.
THIS is so me! I used to be a social butterfly with many friends. After several narc betrayals (including my family), I haven't dated anyone in nearly 5 yrs. I really love the peace, quiet, and mental calm of staying home. 🏡
Same!!
I totally understand. Peace... just give me peace.
Silence is golden 🕊️
I used to spend the majority of my time in libraries when I was a teenager, and as a young adult. (1970's). I even worked in a college library system for about 3 years. It was heaven. The only place I could get a grip. And this was many years before any therapy - which I had in the 80/90's - but no one understood narcissism at that time, and so, I did not even know I was suffering from narcissistic abuse until 2018 (especially after seeing the Chris Watts debacle). It certainly helps everything to fall into place now, and getting that "a-ha" moment, like when I watched this video.
voyagehome5810 - I often have stated, Peace is everything. It ain't love, money, nice home, nice crap sitting around your home...it's PEACE. And I finally have it at 57.
🫂❤️
for me it is all about freedom
@@susannahfox7188 Thank you for mentioning libraries. They were quiet and orderly. Spent time there in my teens but I had forgotten.
Sir... I am so sorry about your parental experience. That is truly horrifying. You did not deserve that. You obviously have a lovely heart. And now you help people, which is even more generous. No child deserves to be berated and belittled like that.
Peace of mind is number one in my life.😊
He's joined the authority in silencing and isolating those of us that try to speak up, gotta ask ourselves what they get in return for doing this
I had to completely leave the whole of my Narcissistic family members except a couple,the mental and emotional abuse made me attempt suicide, I just want to be around animals and nature i never trust again, I mean that .,i want to be free of back biting ,slander shouting , screaming ,punching ,loud , hatefulness ,mocking arrogant humans,i just want PEACE, just PEACE
higuysrealtalkwithtracy4543 - Exactly 💯❤️
I only want to be at peace with me. My daughter wants to be at peace with my abusers. Which to her is everyone. family. no thanks I can live without them.
I have always said that... word by word. Amazing how we're all suffering the same pain but in different languages and countries.
This just blew my mind! Just described me to a T. I don't think I've ever felt understood like this. Thank you so much for the video.
Ikr? Me too!
This is what I am going through now.
One year since I left the narc, I stay home a lot. I want to socialize, but I can only take so much talking. After a while I get tired and just want to be home in peace and quiet. I don’t like small talk for the sake of it. I do enjoy being around people that make me laugh. I find laughter so healing.
I too am like you. If I have plans to go out and meet friends, as I walk out the door to go I think to myself, “I can’t wait to get home”, I only go out thinking I have to for my mental health but at times it’s worse
Some people think that they have to talk a lot. However the way I see it is there is only but so many hours in the day.
I’m like this & I’m worse since my beloved Labrador passed away nearly two years ago.
Same. I've listened to so many endless hours of people uselessly moaning or ranting about problems we all face but theirs is so much worse 😒. And they don't have an off switch for the faucet, it just pours and pours, and you don't even need to be there, a cardboard cutout of you with a credit card would suffice if you didn't have to periodically give a yes or oh no or an opinion about the boring banal crap stream.
I'm all "talked out", and most especially I'm all listened out.
My own wounds that no one sees and few would barely care about are mine alone. And I wouldn't want to talk about them anyway, since it would just echo like the narcisism I've heard, in my own ears.
@@mirzamay sometimes, after awhile, I find talking about it just triggers those hurtful feelings, then it takes me days to get over it
When you mentioned “the terror in our bodies” that stops us from talking, that really hits me. When I was a young girl living under my parents’ roof, my highly narcissistic & emotionally unstable mother would literally demanded me to shut up when I tried to talk to her about what happened in school, problems I thought she might help me with, just normal conversations normal parents usually are glad to carry out with their kids. She also constantly gave me hateful & condescending stares o yelled at me over nothing. I was a good kid, honestly, straight A student &=always obedient to my parents. My parents only wanted me to be silent & obedient. I didn’t realize the severe detrimental effects until very late in my adulthood. I’m afraid to assert myself & at work my supervisor criticized me for lack of communication. It’s because I was never allowed to speak growing up 😩
You just described my childhood 😢
I can so relate to this. I used to enjoy leaving home, going out to dinner or movies etc. Now I prefer to be home as much as possible. Home is my peace.
Agree
Me too. I’m constantly surprised about it!
Same
@@DrineThePoet It costs too much to eat out these days anyway. If I don't feel like cooking, I pop out to a nearby shop and buy a ready meal to heat up at home. Most of the food in restaurants is heated up ready meals. Lots of films to watch on TV and if I miss a film there are the streaming catch up channels.
I need so much stabilization from 50 years of narcissistic abuse, that I even eat the exact same foods 3× per day for months until I'm so sick of it that I move on the the next 3 meals for the next several months. I really like this mans videos!!! There needs to be more people in the world like him👍💯😊
Wow yes. I do this too and never realised the driver. Also... wearing the same clothes every day. A very small routine that feels both soothing yet frustrating at times. Loving ourself is easier when we understand why we need to do these things.
@cathryndeyn9 I do this, wear the same clothes. Same food.
Omg I do this!!!! 😮
This is how it goes. Yes, indeed! However, I began to quit socializing 5 years before I got him out of my life. I live in a small town. The few friends I could count on either died or moved away. Everyone else believed his lies about me. To socialize and have to get the stares and looks as he did his social butterfly routine made me want to just scream. Most people these days are incredibly stoopid. Honestly. It is much easier to get someone to believe a lie than to convinced them that they were lied to. And people will readily believe something bad about someone, but question someone's success.. this is how heartless humanity has become.. The emotional IQ of people around me is that of small children. I turned 66 this year. 50 to 70 year old people acting like teenagers, I simply find repulsive
After finally getting out of a 17 year marriage to the beast from hell...covert narcissist, diagnosed bipolar with psychotic episodes...I am now in my 3rd year alone. I LOVE, absolutely LOVE my solitude. I have my animals, I do work part time and have interaction with my clients, but social settings, well, I am more alone in large crowds of people than when I am by myself. I talk with God...my best friend...
I know that being highly empathetic has it's drawbacks but I will take being me any day over the soulless, heartless ones out there. Much LOVE and healing to all of you❤❤❤
Thank you! Much love and healing to you, too.😊
Congratulations on getting out of that life with a narcissist
and getting into your new life of peace.🥳
You have a wonderful testimony. Thanks for sharing!
Stay peaceful and happy❤
U are not alone.
There's a buuuunch of us enjoying our freedom in a simmilar way. 🤗
💯true 🙂
This is what I deal with now. It is disgusting.
"To socialize and have to get the stares and looks as he did his social butterfly routine made me want to just scream. Most people these days are incredibly stoopid. Honestly. It is much easier to get someone to believe a lie than to convinced them that they were lied to. And people will readily believe something bad about someone, but question someone's success.. this is how heartless humanity has become.. The emotional IQ of people around me is that of small children. I turned 66 this year. 50 to 70 year old people acting like teenagers, I simply find repulsive."
I am in the process of a complex healing. In the middle of breaking free after years under the thumb of a narcissist man, i was called upon to care for the original narc in my life when she became terminally ill. It was a painfully confusing three years. She passed away last summer and I'm still trying to come to terms with my grief.
But, i got my own place now. I love my tiny little haven. It's a 400 sq foot apartment. But its all mine! I can decorate however i want. I can take a leisurely bath. I can leave my crafts out on the table. No one is trying to keep me in just one little corner of one little room.
On the downside, I've realized that in my declining health i wish i had someone to rely on for help when i need it. But I'd much prefer loneliness to the abuse!
For someone who did not dare to open his mouth to say anything, you have changed completely into this very eloquent psychological teacher- and with humor on top ! Very impressive, Danish 👍
I agree! ☺️
This one hit me physically with the shock of realisation; this is what I'm doing now. Staying at home, working out a routine, and doing things - shopping, cleaning, reading when I want to. If I don't want to, I don't do it. The only thing I must do is to walk my dog
Exactly the same for me ❤️☺️ such peace ☺️
I did this for 4 yrs after narcissistic abuse now I am away. Now I can talk with freedom
I just paused the video 7 minutes in to run to the comments and say the same 🫶🏻 proof those like us are our best teachers, let us keep learning from each other to heal each other!! 🙏🏻❤️
This is me. I now live alone, kids grown and I’ve moved into a community in the woods far from where I lived for 50 years. I sometimes notice that my few neighbors frequently have company, but I just can’t manage it. My abuse started with my birth family and then on to an abusive marriage and a dangerous career that I chose to stay in. Nowadays my life revolves around my pets, nature , reading, etc. I have been here for 7 years now, but I’m still not ready to emerge. Listening to this makes me feel less like a weird person. Also, I’m very sorry for the abuse you yourself suffered as a child. I get it and my heart goes out to you. Peace.
Have your neighbours ever shown any signs of kindness or concern for you or do they think you are some sort of snob? Asking as I'm in the exact same situation and my neighbours continue to ignore me.
@@johenderson3742 I think they’ve given up on me socializing but since I am polite, wave and offer help if anyone needs it, I don’t think they believe I’m snobby, at least I hope not 😊
@@johenderson3742 They might be respecting what they perceive as you valuing your privacy or solitude, & boundaries in case they are there, letting you decide. Some people actually do have sensibilities. Some always let others make the first move. It varies. I go with my gut not my head, on people these days. My head was programmed with "don't be a bother" (maybe theirs were too, that 1st move thing can be that) but my gut detects character traits & attitudes really well. Hypervigilance has its uses lol. I notice micro expressions & posture & vibes..... Do what you want. You can be friendly in passing but busy, or you can go befriend them & see. Either is acceptable. & You can keep it light, temporary, options open by having something you're working on that takes a lot of time in case you need an excuse to withdraw. Be writing a book. It can be a notebook lol, recipes or quotes or shopping lists. Idk.. I'm not saying lie, I'm saying I can't think of an example so something to bounce off of. 😂
They are "too busy". I have made a couple of suggestions via email that we collaborate on little things. They promise to pop over but never do. I even sent a little sympathy card after they informed me their dog had passed. I'm giving up now. 1 year of no contact speaks volumes.
1. Being at home means having positive control over surroundings
2. It's your own space, and you can claim your autonomy
3. You may struggle with agoraphobia
4. When at home, you can control your time
5. The solitude of a safe space
And no accountability for MMJ/alcohol/drug use.
This makes perfect sense. I also feel anxious and violated having unwanted house guests (my new partner's parents wanting to stay with us fot 2 weeks 😢)
@@rhondasehorn3233what does that have to do with anything?
Peace .... when away from chaos or meddling people 🙏Freedom at home 🏡
Yes, yes , yes, yes, and yes. 😊
This is so true! Psychological abuse is a living hell that I don’t wish on anyone. Clearly the few friends I thought I had who listened to what I was going through, stalking and constant harassment, had their own self serving agendas to fulfill and really didn’t give a shit about my mental health….as long as they benefited, they were willing to ignore the damage being caused. So yes indeed, staying alone and not allowing them any access to any life, is critical to my continued healing
I realized I didn't have friends after I had cancer. I had surgery and I'm clear. They tried to come back around the time my son was diagnosed with progressive MS and I realized they weren't my friends. They never ask about my son. Everything is a competition or a disagreement. I told them maybe I'll see them after the New Year in 4 months but No.v
I totally agree 😁 At home you feel peaceful and relaxed. After going through narcissistic abuse, my nervous system took a beating. Years of narcissistic abuse from mum & sibling took a toll on me. I married a physically abusive guy. After he died in a traffic accident, my abusive mum & sibling re-entered my life. They started their vicious, malicious cycle of abuse all over again. I feel like I survived a major war because of all of the stress and drama these people put me through. The nicer I was to them, the worse they became.
I find peace at home. I am nervous whenever I even imagine possibly encountering another toxic individual. Home is my sanctuary😁 Thank You Danish. Your videos are always full of wisdom and insight. I need these videos, they strengthen and empower us.
The old hoover floor model, lifetime guarantee to keep sucking you back in. My nervous system beyond took a beating too! Once we are groomed to be what they want, we identify the new abusers as familiar, and we get duped into relationships with them, until we fully understand all this stuff, and basically stop w/solid boundaries for ourselves. Sometimes we learn it all too late! I also dealt with a vicious triangulating sibling/parent combo, absolutely awful. I often believe they can harm the brain/central nervous system so badly, that a person simply loses the energy to press forward in life, extremely toxic (the world is hard enough without the abuse from those closest). As extreme as it might sound, the traffic accident was probably a blessing, do your best to realize you are enough, and try to escape the triangulating duo permanently! LIfe can absolutely transform for you, for the better with working hard @ looking inward. Keep your moral compass strong, find spirituality, meditate, and overcome them permanently with firm boundaries/personal strength!
Once they’re gone, you feel a lot of weight off of your shoulders but the exhaustion and anxiety is extreme!!
Brilliant! Thank you for explaining to me why I don’t want to see other people and why I just want to stay in my nice little house and read books and watch TV and do whatever the heck I want. I thought maybe something was wrong with me. So happy to have found your channel!❤
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?
Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
It's normal to feel like this. It's happened to countless of other people too. This is life. People come and go. Hope you find peace soon
I was always extraverted. But now i struggle interacting with people. I loved being social. It was a great quality of mine. I feel he stole that part of me.... Hopefully this is temporary.. Its part of my healing process..
Temporary yes, one must cast the fishing 🎣 line several times (k) in order to find a friend! You've got to go after life it won't be arriving at your door 🚪!
@@joseenoel8093 so true!!! Thank you..
Its so nice to talk about this to people that knows exactly what I am feeling!!! That is so validating. So thank you..
@@joseenoel8093 definately.... Not permanent but takes time. Sometimes I feel I am not healing fast enough for society and I struggle with that but i feel safe right now and feel this is where I belong in this moment. But getting stronger everyday!!
Exactly same with me..!!
I thought I was broke because of my exhaustion, isolation & social anxiety / awkwardness. I didn’t realize I am healing. Thank you for your videos. 🙏
I have heard myself saying many times....I just want peace.
Me, too.
I remember very distinctly when I was in middle school…my parents would fight all the time and I said to myself that when I get married, I am going to have a calm household. And that’s what happened. I married, had two children and I made sure it was a calm household. Father is deceased as of a year ago and I felt nothing but relief. He was exhausting to be around. Just spent the last week being around a narcissistic sister in law and I find myself cocooning at home after this trip last week and didn’t understand why. Finding myself taking deep breaths. Now I understand why…I’m coming down from the extreme stress of this week. It feels good to be back at home, a thousand or so miles away. Husband has agreed that we simply cannot spend anymore time with this family member. Going no contact. Thanks for the video.
Me too, I'm tired of getting triggered because someone is bored or trying to use you.
This video and this psychologist are so true. Life with a Narcissist for 10 years was horrific. Now I am alone with my little Yorkie, I am poorer but in peace. I was worried about my appreciation of solitude and believed to have become crazy, this video gave me great relief and will be listening to it again and again, thank you ❤
Never Bored or alone. Life is too Beautiful and interesting. who Needs these Drama people anyway .
I just hate the drama...it's like being in a live turkish soap opera
Thank you so much for posting this! I was raised by a narcissistic mother and spent 20 years married to a narcissist. I have spent the last 9 years in a very small apartment, but it is my castle! It is my favorite place to be. My job involves interacting with a lot of people so I need to decompress each evening.
These are not 'fears' to be judged , humiliated, shamed etc... those are made our reality.
Yes 😢😢
Yes He Describes it but the facts r what those lead to were dehumanization. N enough is enough
Well thats what you get when life throws at you a narc after a narc, insincere after insincere. You just get too tired of people. And even if you are lucky to come across some genuine amazing people sth goes wrong or they dont intend to get closer to you and you let it all go. No hard feelings, no resentment, just want some peace and calm that is.
Same
Thank you Danish. This is me.
You described me perfectly!!!!!! My narcissistic mother is now dead and I’m still afraid!!! I need to be with myself in my safe place! I talk to myself with love and tell myself that I am ok and that I am going to be ok. Thank you ❤ it all makes sense now
Personally after being in such a chaotic environment with narcs, it's just nice to be in a peaceful space for once and then I just got used to being alone, I'm a homebody and enjoy my alone time now doing what I like, not having to deal with other people's moodiness, the confusion, or doing things to get attention all the time. There's more narcissistic behavior present than ppl think, and it's draining.
Caotic, disrespectfull, hypocrital, and every day lisen the same stupidities which came to the people whit mental illness.
My safe space is not just my home, which I keep locked down, but more specifically, my bed on the second floor, with my weighted blanket, is my ultimate safe space. Rest is my escape, but with constant heightened anxiety and life or flight vivid dreams, sleep is not always a safe place, but it’s my ultimate safe space, as dreams aren’t reality, but just my brain processing the day, which I clearly have of a lot of anxiety and stress.
Ask them to do something for you. Something small. Something you would do for them with no hesitation. If they are narcissistic or otherwise toxic, it will ALWAYS go at least 1 of 4 ways (though sometimes these reactions may compound): They will act as though they didn’t hear you. Depending on how long you’ve been in the relationship, you may ask again. If it’s been long enough, you’re likely to drop the request right then and there.
They will promise to do it, but never follow through.
If you ask again or remind them, they will usually have some kind of excuse. In these cases, they will still never actually fulfill their promise. Their excuse is not a reason for lagging, it is the reason they should be absolved from all expectation whatsoever. Often this excuse will be meaningless or an outright lie.If you don’t buy their excuse, and tell them so, you will experience the wonderful segue into reaction.
An argument will ensue
The argument will be your fault. It could be a small back and forth contending against your request, or it might quickly devolve into them screaming at you. You never know which it will be. They might even say outright that you should never ask or expect anything from them. Usually they will express that you are asking too much, hurting them in some way (financially, emotionally, insulting them, etc), or attack your character.
The argument will only end when you relinquish your request + apologize, or start ignoring them completely. If you can ignore them long enough, they may apologize to you. However, the conflict will never feel truly resolved.
At this juncture they may actually end up giving you what you asked for. Often this does require you admitting that you don’t really need it, or that you would be fine with what they suggested instead. This leads us to reaction
They give you what you asked for, BUT
There is ALWAYS a catch. It might be small. They show up late with no apology. They buy you what you wanted, but it’s the wrong color, model, brand, etc. They take you where you wanted to go, but pressure you the whole time you’re getting ready because you’re going to be sooo late. Then they want to leave early anyway. It might be worse. They do it out of anger, and make a big display out of it to scare/hurt you. They hold it over your head until you do something for them first. Or, later on, they use it against you. “I did x for you, so you should do y for me.” No matter what, you never actually feel fulfilled, happy, or loved when they do something for you. Somehow, even from the getgo, there was this deep-seated feeling of guilt and fear, this sense that the “special” things they were doing for you weren’t so special at all. Eventually, you become afraid to ask for anything. You’ve been conditioned to believe you deserve nothing. Ironically, or not, the less demands you make, the worse you will be treated. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done digitalinvestigate@gmail.com
I've not heard a more descriptive spot on system of understanding of what happened to you at the hands of a narcissist. Bravo...you've just dropped a rescue line thank you.
This is a scam comment and the above are scam replies. You're scamming in the comments.
I asked my narc to put robe hooks on three doors, I waited a year and a half! Ridiculous
@@sloanmagnum5009trolling? Spamming? I was not asked to buy anything. No one cheated me out of anything but a few minutes. He has the scenario down and methodically spells it out. Heartbreaking! I do know! True.
This is not the place for a sales pitch.
I didn't realize how bad and abnormal and traumatic my life had been until I was put into a situation of living alone with my mom's 9 cats after she passed. I'm 67. I so appreciate you putting out this video. I feel "guilted" by friends who don't understand how important safety and control are, after a lifetime of chaos. I suffered religious abuse as a child which was never recognized as abuse, and I see religions moving in that direction again. Plus, the cats!
Wow! I didn’t know how much I suffered from this abuse. You have described my experience to a T!
Thank you for all your reassurance. I would be rich if I had a £ for every time I've been told " you just need to get out more", " you've got too much time to think about things" etc etc. Now I'm reassured I'm staying at home to regain my peace, my peace of mind, my ability to keep myself safe and to stay away from everyone like this that keeps telling me what I should or should not do. That's what I've had a lifetime of and left me mentally and physically exhausted. I will do exactly what is best for me, at 65 it's about time!! Xxx
I can totally relate. My ex managed to get me expulsed from our home. I rented a very small studio and felt like it was a safe castle. And then I became an hermit. A peaceful hermit
I grew up in a narcissist family. Dated narcissistic men, had narc friends. It’s like a curse had been spoken over my life. I am healed now and feel burned out by people. I used to be very empathic but now I’m like screw everyone apart from chosen few. I look after number one now and spend most of my time alone. I love my peaceful life and I am so grateful to experience it after hell on earth.
Please know you can get out and have a happy life people xxx
You are spot on! I hit 60 and something clicked in me. I am done and I have absolutely had it. I have a 90 year old covert narc mother and an ex-husband who is a malignant narc. I have all but completely cut off my mother. I want to exist in peace. I do not let people push me around anymore. I even work from home now.
same here. distanced from my mother and only talked about the weather. when she died it was like a weight lifted
After not communicating with my narc mom for over 3 years, I heard she was diagnosed with cancer. So, because I care, I went and helped out with taking her to chemo therapies and around the house….big mistake! I flew half way across the country and thought the cancer would make her more humble and thoughtful - not a chance! I haven't spoken to her for months now and still trying to get over how both my parents who are narcs have emotional abused me. I left exhausted, broken and so disappointed. Sometimes I blame myself for believing they would change. They're no longer in my future plans and I can't spend another second worrying about them.
@@CHANTARELLA can I ask if you felt obligated to go to her funeral?
@@aimee3973 Ready for a longer story? After a lot of therapy I was no longer my mother`s doctor therapist handmaid lady in waiting, mother etc etc. I didnt feel the need anymore to try to help with her depression or otherwise have any thing to do with the way she was FEELING. I figured as a child she fed me and clothed me but she never really cared about how I was feeling either. She was cruel and possessive - like being chained to your abuser. So in her old age I put her in a home and paid for it. She got care there. I hardly ever visited. The one or 2 times I did she was nasty, as usual. When she died I had her cremated and her ashes were strewn over a beautiful lake. That was it. I didnt have a choice really because there as nobody else to do it. Nobody was there except for myself and a girlfriend of mine. I wished for her that she finally finds peace - those were my last words. I didnt shed a tear. But what I found out in years of psychoanalysis is that the hardest thing to let go of was hope! I kept hoping that she would change. It took years to let go of that hope! But when I finally managed to do that- it absolutely freed me. I can give you my blessing to not attend the funeral of your mother. But would that work for you? You need to give yourself that freedom. And as for the gossip- I was immune to that already and there was nobody around in the end anyway because my mother had alienated everybody in her life. She was truly all alone - her worst nightmare- and she had herself to thank for that. I have no guilt or feelings of obligation except that she had physical care and not by me but a team of professionals. Oh and a funny or tragic story at the end- when I went to the home to see about her belongings - the manager greeted me and walked me to her room- and he told me how funny my mother was- she had a great sense of humor. I was silent. All my mother showed me when I went there was the dying swan act. To her dying day she tried to manipulate me to serve her by pretending to be so miserable. But she seems to have had a lot of laughs with the nurses?! Yeah- narcissists are really the bottom of the barrel. No regrets. I saved myself. They put us in the situation of having to chose.
@@aimee3973 I wrote a long answer to you and it is gone
Yes, very insightful. "Freedom is not just freedom from the narcissist in your life but freedom from everything that is narcissistic" - well said, and once we start notice everything that is narcissistic out in the world we realise just how rampant it is.
This is so true. I love my place staying away from people and enjoying my own company. I am both the daughter of and the ex-wife survivor of Narristic abuse. It's been a nightmare and ruined my life. Surviving these devilish people is the hardest thing I have ever done. You are so right on target...
Fortunately my home is my sanctuary. There’s so many narcissists in the world I’m on focused awareness and alert every time I leave.
You have described me exactly. I’m semi-retired and work from home. Lately, I have noticed my work has improved. I don’t feel rushed and can take the time to learn more skills. Of course I don’t charge my boss for the extra time. It is just satisfying to know I can still learn. I was in a thirty-year marriage and did not realize it was abusive, because I was never hit or yelled at. He just shut me out, criticized everything about me, refused any conversation and eventually committed a long term affair with a tawdry girl half my age. After moving away, I tried to take care of a bipolar brother for twenty years. Meanwhile, I was enduring constant pressure and criticism from his flying monkey, who blamed me for his every depression or foul mood. I eventually moved to a senior complex in which I am forbidden to have roommates. I stay to myself. Even friendships are too complicated. I am friendly to my neighbors, but at a safe distance. I am friendly to the people where I shop. But I have learned to avoid close entanglements with anyone. It is just too stressful and draining to maintain.
😢 sending you big hugs
I brought a campervan I feel so much better just doing the shopping. If I get overwhelmed Instead of driving home with no groceries. I can go to my van pull the curtains, lie down, read a book, I can even have a cup of tea and a biscuit. What ever I need to re regulate myself. Then try again. I always go home with my groceries now. I am also exploring national parks and nature with my daughter. I love it I can take my home (safe place) with me and I can leave whenever I want
Having a campervan is wonderful
I would love to have a campervan once again
❤
I've been thinking about getting one too. I'm just afraid of braking down somewhere and all the maintenance. But it's in my mind.
Is it crowded though - as I’ve seen in the natl parks ? Do those crowds get to you?
May you have a peaceful Happy life
Same to you!! 😊
may your heart be light
Ive been a hermit for 17 years.
This was so so true! The silence is beautiful.
Best episode yet, for me. Everything about safety and how healing begins with stabilization! Explains why I am enjoying my retirement in a little seniors apartment. I have had to move frequently for various reasons. Now I enjoy my routine and don't allow anyone to cross my boundaries. There are a lot of people who definitely have narcissistic traits, that I avoid, but my main trauma is from my 15-year marriage. Thanks for this video. ❤
WOW....ITS AN EPIDEMIC!!!!
Peace, peace, peace. It’s wonderful!
I know the difference between isolation and solitude! That’s a gift 🎁
Thank you, Danish. Listening to you talk about normalizing self isolation, I let out a heavy exhale and felt a great sense of validation.
I have often wondered if it's okay to want to just stay home with my very calm and supportive partner and my emotional support pup. There are so many voices saying to get more therapy and find community. It makes me feel attacked and shamed.
An additional thing I deal with is having a hard time making friends because I am just too much for most people. I tend to over share and trauma dump. Understandably, it scares people away. And it's so exhausting to keep trying. I prefer just being around the people who love me unconditionally and that I don't have to live up to societal expectations with.
I pray that you find a compassionate friend
Who you can both share the good memories and the bad memories without feeling any condemnation...
I also pray that you have lots of laughter in your new friendship❤
I suffered with extreme social anxiety my whole life before the narc. After the narc it is just unbearable and I have 0 desire to be around people or lots of noise. My anxiety manifests as anger and its just safer at home, for myself and everyone else plus its peaceful
After finally distancing myself from the toxic family relationships, I find it difficult to leave the safety of my place, EVEN THOUGH 99% of my interactions with people outside have been neutral or positive. It’s heartbreaking that in order to survive, narcissists will instill distrust of anyone other than themselves so they can more easily control the narrative.
well put, they hide their embarrassment covertly the best they can, and by doing so, you somehow become isolated, self-sabotage or abandonment. I don't really want my old friends back because they didn't get what I was going through, while a lot of it was happening, and the distrust keeps me from wanting new friends (even when meeting interesting people with decent boundaries). Totally hear ya! I take comfort in practicing DBT techniques, mindfulness, meditation, and taoist practices along with Mary Jane tbh. Never a timeline on this type of recovery, and it is very heartbreaking! All we can do is try to practice some self-love, look inward at our own flaws while accepting them as part of identity (not a curse, self-realize, get to know our own shadows). Does any of what happened to us, make any of us a truly bad person (in this moment right now as you read) nah! I think if we get to know ourselves well, we can learn to be open to hearing other people's opinions, and try to understand them without being wounded. Other people are responsible for their own feelings, just like we are all responsible for our own feelings; otherwise a person is simply projecting their feelings on another person, and their opinion is no more valuable than your own (thats a person's shen, it's innate to everyone, the inner voice that guides us, gut, or intuition). It's that understanding, I believe that can make a person grow far beyond the "giant beast" the narc feels like! Wish you well Ray, keep on the right path, work hard, and you will transform.
There are a great deal of people on youtube discussing narcissistic abuse. These videos can be real life savers. Sometimes, just the title of the video turns on a lightbulb and gives you another puzzle piece that helps you understand your state of mind. Incredibly validating and allows you to give yourself some patience and grace.
You're so right. Ppl don't understand and often misjudge and criticize which just adds more weight to carry. Peace is freedom 👌🏼🙏🏼🕊️
This video is so relatable not because I've been a victim of narcissistic abuse, but just because the amount of people in my family just naturally causes chaos most of the time, and so it has the same effect
You hit a nail on the head again Denis. The Narcissists find it hard to be alone because they have to deal with their suppressed shame and guilt whereas the narcissistic abuse survivors prefer to be alone, at home to recover from the narcissistic abuse. Also it is a way to distance themselves from the source of narcissistic abuses and the predators. Many thanks to technology that enables people to work remotely.
I can relate to each n every word that comes out of your mouth! I mostly remain at home so that I'm not judged by other people about my insecurities caused by narcissists around me
I have always been a loner and WHY DO I NEED TO BE AROUND STUPID LIEING PEOPLE....that have contually abused me.
You definitely don’t. You can probably find a couple people who aren’t liars. That’s all you need
100% right again. Nobody disturbs my safety in my sanctuary….
I'm just exhausted all the time
I've never been read so clearly by someone else before.. and I've spoken to a few therapists.
*Subscribed*
I live with my narcissist mother as her caregiver, she had a medical emergency in March and was in the hospital and rehab for about a month and a half I was so relaxed and calm when she was there it was just me and my dog ( she's my emotional support during this) I didn't have to wake up at 3am just because my mom wanted to talk, I could sit down and eat without having to get up every 5 minutes to get something she wanted that could of waited, I could get the house work done without interruptions. She is back home now and the vacation is over. I am really thinking about just getting my own place for me and the pup and having people come in to take care of her I really have had enough of her bull and entitlement.
Do it. ❤🩹🙏
Ditto! 55 here! My daughter and animals. Forever blessed!!!!
Great episode! I really needed this. My friends and family don’t understand. They take it personal and think I don’t like them anymore. I have been dealing with this for 51 years, and believe me when I say ‘it is hell on earth!). I don’t enjoy life any longer.
Your life-joy was robbed from you …I understand 52 years for me …🫢
It’s sad that you had that experience - praying for your healing .
Thank you soo much for this. I’ve really been beating myself up for being a homebody… you’re so right- People whom have never lived our story don’t understand this. That’s ok, they can not understand and I’ll keep my happy self at home.
I like being mostly alone because I just prefer my solitude more often than not. The narcissist didn't ruin my socializing ability but they did show me, after much reflecting that many people are either fake in some way and just want attention or they are only doing things to please people or fit in and I find that to not be genuine or honest so I'd rather avoid these people who just so happen to be everywhere.
Wow. This is sooo relatable. I am not a freak. I just need some peace.
That's is me. As a child I was always humiliated publicly by my mother and she would tell everyone that I disliked speaking. I was known as the child that doesn't talk in the community,. I would feel embarrassed and hated myself!
I would spend hours in my room daydreaming while my siblings would play with their friends. I started having panic attacks and social anxiety since my teenage years.
I never felt safe until I got my hone.
I feel anxious at work and wish to have a job from home.
Unfortunately many of my exes have been the same as my mother so I decided to stop dating and I feel freer by myself
I'm so happy with this video. No therapist has Ever described these issues to me it is so validating.
Has anyone ever felt like they couldn't leave their house? Like they didn't want to be seen or run into anyone?
Soooo soooo true. I was always an extrovert 99.9% but after healing I still enjoy staying home more and more. It’s all about the peaceeeeee. Me and God. I get my people fix at church on Sunday and once a week on-site at my job. It’s enough stimulation and I choose who I want to give my time now. Not pressed for anyone in my life especially those who have not done their own inner work. I’m not tolerating no one that ain’t healthy.
Brilliant
Only entertaining people on team healthy
❤
I've always been very curious about this. In a previous living situation, I felt like I was being stalked and my stuff was no longer my own. I'm so tired and have a hair trigger tolerance for bad behavior in the world. I have no armor, emotionally, because I'm just so tired... I'm still so tired.
Thank you for this episode. It has helped me to understand my partner much better. He has high functioning autism and his default setting is self-isolation. His usual greeting to me is, 'I'm sorry.'
He suffered much emotional abuse in childhood and it continued into adulthood. It has wrecked his life. I try to keep as calm and stable a routine as I can for him and make no demands at all. I don't know how to help him to heal. I have been trying for almost forty years.
He is blessed with a wife that understands him. 🙏🙏🙏
Help: he can seek help, if he is prepared to, in psychotherapy for example. 🍀
@@irenahabe2855 Thank you for your kind words. His interaction with others is nonexistent at present but I pray this will change with time.
Well done to you for trying to understand and help your partner
I left my husband for this reason. I isolated myself and enjoyed my new quiet space. I needed to heal myself. It was peaceful and wonderful. I took a deep breath and knew I was going to be alright. Everything you said was so profoundly helpful. Thank you!🙏
When you are finally free your home no longer has them in it. Outside the home has your ex now and a whole lot more of the same kind. Home is freedom. I absolutely love it. I'm not debilitated in a way I mind....I can even go out, I can socialise, I just no longer find that those things make me as happy as just being in my home reading, cooking, making things, just slobbing around... whatever i want when I want. ❤
You're funny... I love your sense of humour
Our sense of humour is such an asset to survival and healing❤❤❤
So true. And more malignant and sadist the narc is (yet the more "popular" he is seen as a wonderful person) you now realize that evil hides so well in "successful" people, and don't trust ANYONE, other than those who have seen you through hell and back.
I am a stay at home wife and mom, my 2 boys are grown now so I don't have to deal with all the school stuff anymore. And people have been telling me that since my youngest son graduated I have turned into a hermit. I alway told them I love being at home, it's not that I don't like people, it's just that I don't like the feelings I have being around people. I never could explain it any better than that.
I second that !!!
SAHM of 3 grown children and wholeheartedly agree with your well put comment
@@RoxanneSchmidt-c9t it's good to know I'm not the only one. I just wish ppl would stop trying to force me to socialize.
I feel like I don't want to deal with other people's drama. I think I had enough drama to last 3 lifetime's.
@@cassiebennet4262 whew! Tell me about it. I got insulted for years by a narc until I started rushing in ready to fight for myself.
My therapist and friends have been putting so much pressure on me to go out and date myself such as going to a fancy restaurant by myself but I just can’t ever bring myself to do that. Being out alone around other people is terrifying to me I feel so much more comfortable staying home after working from home all day and watching TV or reading. I was disappointed in myself for not being able to go out this video helped me understand why. It’s been a year and a half and I am still trying to heal from abuse by a malignant narcissist, he really caused me to be terrified of the world and every relationship I ever had before him was also with a narcissist, I seem to have given up on people.
Going out to eat at fancy restaurants alone is not appealing whatsoever! I tried it once at a casual spot and disliked it very much because I got the feeling they viewed me as a low priority and wanted me gone so they could put two people at the tiny table and earn more that way . I get takeout often though as it’s hard to cook for one . I don’t mind doing that - I actually brought a notebook with me to sit at the restaurant but it was not relaxing enough with my grumpy waiter ! So never again !
My cousin was stuttering out of fear because he was the golden child. He was afraid he would mess up and not receive the constant praise and adoration but instead be derided like me.
My sister was so afraid that my parents would stop praising her and bullying me she became an even bigger monster than them.
And thank God for his Word..it is a stabilizer 🌹💯
It absolutely has me.
I'm just thrilled to have any amount of alone time, when I do.
I've lost so many years to narcs.
When I get alone time, now, my soul savors every drop.
I love my own company & solitude.
I find ppl very draining.
Must take even the ones I DO like, in small doses.
Definitely not letting any more narcs into my life.
I love living a drama free life, nothing waiting in the wings for me to feel anxious, worried, guilty or fearful about. I found that it was never "my" drama, it was theirs projecting it on me and I'm free from it now ✌