I have experienced covert narcissist:. 1. You feel something is not right but you can't pinpoint finger at them or anything. 2. They will give you stuff/things but they're not connected to you emotionally.
The covert vulnerable narcissist is, in my opinion, the hardest of the narcissists to spot. They blend so well into everyday life and their grandiosity and lack of empathy is masked by their victimhood.
That’s very true.. I’ve tried to make someone reflect in those area numerous times, but that victim shield is too strong, and it only makes you feel guilty the more you try to make the point.
@@redefinedliving5974My NH was so mad at his Mom and disrespected, and verbally abused her…all because when he was 12, and working on a farm across the street, he came in and asked her to make him a sandwich, and she said “no”. She also had 8 kids. I never could understand how he could be so “grandiose”. 22 years later…it all makes so much sense 🤯
@@sharonvaldez9059 this ex friend I had praised the kindness of her ostracized gay uncle in a very religious family because he prepared and paid their dinner as a visitor in their own house. Like?????
Yes, and the problem is that often it can be easy for me to gravitate towards them. Mainly, I think it's because I've also had my share of traumas, and the only people that understand many of my views/angles, are also others that have received similar traumas. Other common people don't notice the same things. Amongst the pool of people traumatized in that age, are exactly also all the ones belonging to this spectrum of disorders (bpd, narc).
My late, un-lamented mother was a covert/vulnerable narcissist who had my father buffaloed, to the point that he could show me the loving kindness of a healthy father only behind her back (to her face, he was her ultimate enabler, alas). She exploited the "how can such an evil child not trust or obey their saintly mother?" public image to the point that I first wanted to stop living by age ten; every birthday or Christmas brought gifts chosen for her pleasure (clothes to dress me up as her living doll, never anything that I would have wanted)...and of course, as I saw her evil (as the family truth-teller), I clearly became her scapegoat. How I managed to defend and maintain myself against her chronic onslaught, I dont know to this day, but I'm grateful for that miracle. When she died, I felt nothing but relief, believe it -- but I forced tears to honor my father's grief; for the twelve years that he outlived her, he was finally able to be the father to me that I needed him to be, however late in my life.
Awful that happened !!!! Awful you had to force fake tears which was not fair ( tho I understand you were accompanying your father's grief condolences of his grief )
I only felt relief when my mother-in-law died. I literally went in the bathroom and did a happy dance. And when I think about how people say you’ll see your loved ones when you die, my soul instantly warns my MIL to STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME.
@@socalautisticman1975 Thank you for your compassion; I'm doing fine now, understanding more every day and growing stronger as I go. At least I had 12 good, healthy years of a warm relationship with my dad after my mother died (though, alas, he found himself another narcissist [a grandiose one this time, like his own mother, no less] not long after she died -- at least he didn't marry that one; don't get me started re the second one's nonsense, however).
I understand in so many ways. My abusive, grandiose narcissist, adoptive mother died on my 16th birthday and all I felt was relief! She had me so messed up that I didn't even believe she was really dead until I saw her at the "family viewing" 3 days after she died. I almost passed out when I realized it was true!
Similar situation here but my father died 20 years before my narc mother. I think she wore him down. So often I wished she had died 20 years before him and he could have had 20 good years and I could have enjoyed my wonderful father without her constantly tearing us both down.
This... my future ex wife has an amazing lack of self-awareness and it was when she called me a narcissist the first time that I really started looking into it; she honestly doesn't realize just how much she helped me break free of her games over the years, but that one took the cake for me. For all the damage she did in my personal and professional life, I've been rather "fortunate" that narcissists don't actually pay attention to their victims beyond surface level as I have a near eidetic memory and am naturally curious by nature, so all of her gaslighting over the years just made me think she was completely crazy instead of doubting myself... the moment she called me a narcissist I immediately looked it up just to see if there was any truth to her accusations, and learned about her (and my mother) which reframed most of my life for me. I feel bad for my children, as she successfully loaded me with difficulties in getting them away from her (and they are her mealticket/camouflage) but I did manage to break her triangulation with them. Now it's all about rebuilding my life so when they each turn 18 I can help them reboot their lives.
Interacting with a narcissistic personality is like being in a constant psychological maze - the challenge is not just finding the exit but also preserving your own mental clarity.
It took me years to work out how to recognise narcissistic manipulation and I still make mistakes but I'm better equipped now knowing how to deal with such behaviour thanks to videos like this.
Yes, that is exactly what take your energy off, imagine playing chess 24/7 or another Game where You have to think very well your next move every second with pressure on time to answer,, of course is exausting. Now imagine if You already very exausted already all day and they play You more, of course this send You to depression and extreme anxiety!!! Panic attacts.
@@ZLLi661What's so weird about it is psychopaths are MUCH easier to get along with. Narcissists are always consumed with crushing shame that they desperately need to dump on someone else. Psychopaths, while still dangerous, have a sort of transparency. They don't need to play games or create chaos to offload their inner turmoil. They just do what they do and call it a day. If someone gets killed oh well that's collateral damage. Which is why they're so dangerous, but at least you can see it because their isn't so much gaslighting and manipulation of the situation to make you doubt youself.
In summary: Covert vulnerable narcissistic behavior patterns include: 1. Failure to take personal responsibility for their actiions. 2. A pattern of lying which includes gross exagerations; lies of ommision etc.in order to 'achieve' (see #1.) 3. Unable to show real empathy beyond only just showing sympathy in order to 'achieve' (See #1. and #4.) 4. Often reacting in dramatic ways instead of responding well during diaagreement and/or during a misundertanding. Misunderstandings including normal minor ones that they are keeping a running list record of just in case they want to use one of them against us later while they are playing the victim to 'achieve' (see #1). 5. Seldom apologizes and when they do it sounds double minded in order to 'achieve' (see #1.) 6. They play the martyr. When playing the martry they end up beieving the lie about how perfect in character they are while they no longer needing anyone to help them with blind spots. 7. Often trying to heap shame on others by laying guilt trips (When applying their double standards concerning the behavior of whomever they are scapegoating at the time in order to 'achieve' (See #1.) 8. Unable to show real empathy beyond only just showing sympathy in order to 'achieve' (See #1. and #4. and #7.)
What's so scary is that for the longest time in my 25 year marriage, my ex framed and scapegoated me as the covert narc, and I believed it at times. Because at times, I would cry at the realization that no one believed me, I felt delusional. When I would speak the actual truth, 1 of my adult kids would say she's being dramatic. Deep down, I knew it wasn't true, and spent so many years avoiding conflict by people-pleasing and walking on eggshells. While he was able to manipulate everyone into blaming me for everything. I lost my identity and sense of purpose as every waking hour was spent in service of him, proving, supporting, and pleading on how I am a good person. The days that went well, I had the courage to bring up the past on how his actions affected me, then all Hell would break loose. And he'd say my feelings and thoughts weren't real and that I was playing the victim. But I realized that He was truly the permanent victim, always repeating how no one cares about him, no one supports him or his dreams, etc. Everyone in his life (especially me) has done him wrong. He honestly seemed to believe it. Even though I was the only one working and taking care of literally everything the past 11-12 years, so that he could focus on building businesses. Well, he even blamed his unhappiness on me even when I really was happy with him (including his flaws). Until I did come to a point, where I had to see there won't be any positive change. As I grew closer to the Most High, I started getting my confidence back. I put healthy boundaries in place to heal, and as a result, He rushed and pushed me into divorcing him as quickly as possible. After the divorce was finalized, he thought I'd stay as the live-in girlfriend who continues to pay all of his credit cards, car insurance, mortgage, utilities etc until his income becomes stable? What? He's angry that the manipulation is slipping away. The time has come to keep putting God first, love myself and leave. I'm okay with being alone and healing properly! HalleluYAH!
Points that must be highlighted:- 1. You will end up dead if you will be in their company for long. Same thing happened in my family more than once. 2. Leaving is the only option. I have left and trying to keep contact minimum. It is very difficult because of the extreme guilt they and relatives causes you. I am trying the same. Please pray for me. God give me strength. 3. You will become unlively. Your self love will reduce day by day. You will end up being an addict, lethargic piece of s**t. Guilt and confusion will eat you.
My ex wife tried to do this to my children and myself. My daughter has escaped her orbit, thank the Almighty. My job in life is to be able to remove my sons from her influence when they become of legal age. Literally it is the only thing that keeps me alive from day to day. I hope that there is enough of me left to live after this happens, I am not even a shadow of my former self.
I have experienced this aswell. And I can confirm, you will end up lethargic, stressed out, sleeping horribly and paralyzed especially after their violent outbursts.
"You will end up dead" this resonates with me. My ex divorced me and began dating people I worked and played music with and soon every one of them she was with died. I didn't die and I feel that is because I was honest with her and with myself, never allowing her to get deeply into my psyche which she said I was "emotionally unavailable and didn't have her back (flying monkey)" as her reason for divorcing me. Then she said I was the one who wanted the divorce.
My mother is a very highly respected nurse practitioner who would stand with her hand on her heart supporting the Mandela Effect rather than admit she ever beat me up or insulted me for fun..
I hope you don't mind me sharing. I had a covert narcissist friend, who I grew up with. I have many fun memories with her, but there was always this other side. She was moody and never really satisfied in life. She is also quite traumatized by her mother. I started to feel psychologically very unsafe in her presence. She would bring me down with unkind comments. This person knew everything about me and weaponized it against me. Was also very two faced. Nice in the faces of people, but would say mean things behind their backs. The last day I saw her she hit me for the first time. That was the final straw for me. Have never heard again from her since, and all her loved ones stopped taking to me too. I can only imagine what she has told them about me. It's so difficult because I had to be assertive, but almost feel like I was wrong for doing something healthy, keeping boundaries. After a whole year of silent treatment she wanted to get back in touch as if nothing ever happened. I have no interest to reconnect with someone that knows right from wrong and chooses to hurt me regardless and refuses to address the issue. She not seem to want to acknowledge that trust has been broken. Danish this was just a close person in my life but I can not imagine having a parent with such a difficult personality 😞 it's pure emotional neglect. I wish you all the best and I really think your videos are good! ❤
My soon to be ex wife is a covert vulnerable narcissist or a Dark Triad. They lie so much they can't keep their facts straight all you gotta do is just keep calling them on until they get upset. Then once they lose control you will see them cycle through their personalities within a half an hour, anger being the last one.
Yes! My brother is one of these narcissists. I grew up always feeling pity for him. Sometimes I still feel that automatic response when I have to see him, which is maybe once every 4 or 5 years. I never felt responsible for his “pain,” but I always felt that I needed to protect him or carry some of it for him. When I finally realized as an adult in my 30’s that he was actually manipulating me into feeling pity for him so he could get supply from me I was completely done. When I pointed out to him that he does it “on purpose,” he just said, “you’ve changed”. 🙄 He was right and now my life is so much better without him in it. Sadly I now work with a vulnerable covert narcissist who reminds me of him on a daily basis. 🙄
My burning question is recently ; *WHY* do I attract these kind of people??? Is it the curse of being an Empath, that we just notice these abusive behaviors that most others miss?
@@ZRanchLady I believe that this question is the beginning of no longer attracting them. ❤️ We have healing to do and that healing helps us to stop seeing the narcissist as someone to feel sorry for. I’ve seen it work. My narcissist co-manager has completely stopped trying to bait me for supply because he knows that there’s no longer supply to be had here. I love Danish for comforting healing, but if you aren’t familiar with Tammy M Joyce, check her out too. She has been so helpful in strengthening my resolve and learning how to shut these people down.
someday everyone else will follow this line of thinking. just like in psychiatry, they themselves know there are demons and yet introduce drugs when a spiritual exorcism would be more in line with what is needed. there are only two sides. there are only graduations in the sliding scale. evil vs. God.
The one I was with was into the dark arts. I think she put spells on me that I still need deliverence from. They are human, but they allow themselves to be vessels for the demonic entities to take chosen ones away from God.
My mother is also a covert vulnerable narcissistic and I can 100% relate to you. I can see the evil spirit in my mother & how is potray herself like an innocent creature ever been on this planet & this had been confusing me since my childhood. I have been blaming myself for her sufferings all my life. And you are 1000% correct that they eat you slowly every day every sec. Right now I am in a process of breaking the trauma bond with her.
Same. I just had my last outburst on her this week, bringing up a lot of horrible things she did and said to me that she still denies. The closest I ever came to an apology was the good ol' "I'm sorry you feel that way" bs. I feel bad that I want to cut ties with her right now because her health is very bad and she probably doesn't have much time left but I feel like I won't have much time left if I stay connected to her poison. Good luck to you! 🙏
Thank you for talking about this! I have experienced everything you discussed in your video from the male and female narcissists in my life. My aunt is a raging covert narcissist who told me that I'm a bad mother and no man will want me because I'm too old (I was 35 years old at the time) . When I confronted her about how hurtful what she said was, she burst into tears and denied ever saying that even though there were 3 adults (my father who is a covert narcissist was one of the adults present) who heard her. He did nothing. He didn't defend me he just raged at me. It didn't make any sense. Now that I understand the disorder, their behavior is textbook.
My separated husband. The switch on switch off empathy was the worst. He could be so caring, even sobbing with me to get his way. Terrible. The worst is the careless way he treats our 5year old and that he has visitation rights.
Bug her bag/items you send so you can get proof of any abuse. Also you’ll be able to hear what he is saying to the child. Once you get that you can get him away forever.
I grew up with a covert narcissistic mom and dad, and they are they most draining people on Earth!! No accountability whatsoever, they're always the victim. It's even worse when both parents are narcissists, because they encourage each other's victim mentalities. I thought I was starting to get through to my mom about how they've been financially irresponsible. Then she had to talk to my dad, and all progress went out the window 🙄 Now they're ganging up on me, calling me ungrateful, and saying how dare I, the child (I'm 34 btw) tell them what to do with their money? SMH
I'm 33 going through same stuff. They are worse when they are educated and doing formidable job in the soceity. I have called them out that they npd they got no shame. Worst ppl to live with.
I had a very violent mother who is a malignant narcissist.. everything is still dangerous with them in every way. A covert narcissist's abuse, I witnessed to last year, living with them for 7 months... Danish is on point about the extreme vulnerable behavior, holding one in disdain, crying like a baby over little things "I" did to hurt them so badly, when all I did was disagree! When I moved out of that house..my mind was so fogged, I had no energy, I felt terrible about myself as a person, I was so skinny and suffered from insomnia from stress. My hair was falling out, my menstrual cycle was extremely irregular, plus the pain I felt in my body was the most terrifying of the whole experience. That mental abuse had added on to 30 years of abuse by my malignant mother. Covert is quietly done, the stabbing feeling you sense mentally is REAL. The nightmares I had living in that house were the most terrifying horror I have had since my childhood. "Covertly" cutting you open slowly over and over. No wounds and yet, mentally I was bleeding out and feeling like it was all my fault. Malignant isn't quiet, it's violent at all levels, I have scars, the bone on my left left is slightly deformed today because of her kicking me with steel toe boots. I have the physical proof of malignant abuse. Covert is something I had no clue about and fell hard for because of the "kind, gentle and loving" facade in the beginning..then the inner viper came out but it was too late, I was trapped mentally. One day I'll write a book about my journey home, which is being healed. I kept journaling throughout my entire experience, from childhood to my 30s today. It's sick stuff though.
I had the same kind of violent , narcissistic mother. When I lived in her house, I was so anxious I was tutored my last year of school. She would go off on anything like if I didn't wash the dishes right. These were the kind of rages that weren't appropriate for small things. She managed to cover it up with her helpless victim persona. It is a lifelong struggle to be a healthy person and stay out of the chaos and darkness a narcissist lived in but so worth it.
@@silviasirbu1863 You are so correct. 39 years and 5 months, she and I are finally heading towards divorce. It has been a painful journey. It started on our wedding night when she started drinking vodka, tequila, rum, etc. With her friends. Then, I thought she passed outas we were arriving to the hotel. Carried her up to the hotel suite, put her in the bed, removed her shoes and covered her with a blanket, then went into the living room of the suite and watched cable television for most of the night. That was the start of her devaluation phase for me. Years later during a fight, she let it slip out that she was just pretending to be passed out because she did not want to have sex (her words). Not make love, but have sex because she was mad at my parents for not coming to the reception. I was the youngest child with quite an age gap between my siblings and while my parents did not approve of the marriage, they also had health issues and there for went home after the wedding photos. Years later, she stated it was because of my oldest sister not coming to the reception; she was also having female health issues and could barely stand or walk at the time. More time pasted and it was because she didn't like the expression on my parents faces. Then it changed to she thought I had given her an STD a few days before when we had sex; a condition that she was never treated for and something that I knew I didn't have either as she thought that I would have no medical proof since it was 40 years ago, plus she was the only one that I had ever slept with. When I brought up the fact that we left the very next day to go to Tennessee where I was stationed in the Marine Corps, had never left each other's site and that the Marines had sent me all of my records, including medical, she quickly changed her story to say that my parents ruined the wedding by speaking up during the ceremony, also a fact that could be verified by attendees that were there and are still alive. As the years have passed, her false accusations about other things get continually worse and also change each time she says them to the point that they are harder to even recognize as the same accusation/event. I am to the point of sheer exhaustion from her lies, projections, gaslighting, manipulation; the list goes on and on. At the time I was a dumb, naive 19 year, not think with the correct head during all of her love and sex bombing. I was stupid and thought that things would change, that I could somehow make her happy; however as each year has past she has only gotten worse and more demanding. I started to finally wake up a few years ago when I changed jobs which required a fair amount of travel to other countries. My coworkers would often bring their wifes and since we were always in foriegn countries, we would all hang out in a group for breakfast, lunch, dinner, tours and site seeing. I started to notice the dynamics of their marriages and interactions with each other were vastly different from that and my wife and started to question things. That was obviously the wrong move on my part. My wife would complain about how I was getting to see the world, but she would never come with me on any of the work trips. She always had an excuse to not go, now I think I know why as it would have been very telling. Also, during couples therapy a couple of years ago, she tried to convince me that her and the therapist had decided that I was a covert narcissist. She quit going to therapy as she kept complaining that the therapist was taking my side. On the last day that I seen the therapist, my wife was not there and called in to inform the therapist that she would no longer be coming to therapy. After hanging up, the therapist said to me that she thought I should find a way to distance myself from my wife and file for divorce. I am seeing a male therapist on my own now, and while he has never directly said it, he sure does ask a lot of questions about my thoughts about divorce and has me go home and think and write a lot of lists about the pros and cons of staying together and pros and cons of devorcing my wife. Humm... At this point, I have finally gotten the hint after my wife's recent games and rage event. Sorry for the long winded story, I tried to keep it short and actually left out a lot of the crazy making that my wife has done over the 39+ years. Now I just feel lost, confused, naive, stupid and like a huge idiot for trying to make things work, for trying to make her happy. Now I old and used up. I'm exhausted and I feel like my life is basically over, but maybe I can at least have a couple of years with some peace, calm, quiet and sanity.
In short, we are dealing with psychopaths/ sociopaths/borderline personality disorder or maybe we dont have the correct name for it yet! I am reminded of a strange animal in the book "Gullivers Travels" called the push me-pull you. You just described both my parents. I once described them to my therapist as a beautiful reptile sleeping in the sun which unprovoked for no reason would race across the room and strike. We do have a word for people who enjoy inflicting pain on others for their own pleasure...Sadists! Maybe we need a new bigger descriptive word bcs narc is not nearly big enough. I personally am convinced there is a sexual component in their pleasure at hurting others. Danish, you are such a brave man to share what we are afraid to say.❤️
I too have said this, narcissism, psychopaths and sociopaths...........all demonically influenced. period. there are only two sides in life. we are all guilty of being on the sliding scale if we lie, cheat or point fingers (not taking responsibility) for what we do, etc. but some keep going, instead of repenting, backing up and trying to do right in life, they just keep going and it does get worse, there are no rights any more, just their ego controlling everything and "winning" at all costs. only two sides, people. God and that other side, which is satanic. period, end of story.
I’m afraid you are right. I dated a covert narcissist that had ASPD. Also look up dual mothership and oneupmanship and also schadenfreude that has a lot to do with sadism and spineless sadist. It’s all so crazy and unbelievable. These are the wolves in sheep’s clothings. And their claims of depression, that is just smoke and mirrors. Deep down when they are by themselves and they know and think about the things they do to people they feel like a piece of garage. This is why they need constant distractions. I always like him becuz if he wasn’t busy in school he was independent. Far from the truth. I know exactly what he was doing. With either cash he stole out of my wallet or out of his grandmother’s purse🫤
I too suspect their is a $€ xual component in the sadism (As in, hurting others gives them that type of pleasure). That’s how we get couples like Bernardo/Homolka ,Myra Himdley and her male predator partner.
They are called Cluster B personality disorders and they all overlap. A basket of misery to others! My own mother is narcissistic. She likes to say, "Don't you love your poor old mother?" She's very healthy and manipulative, not a poor old thing.
Same here, it took me 53 years to realise my dad was a narcissist and to top it up I discovered a few months ago my partner of 11 years has used and abused my good nature and finances. I now have to find the way to leave with nothing but a beautiful 10 year old boy and a faithful dog that knew who he was before us. Blessings and best wishes to you x
Having parents like that didn’t make you nasty. Too many excuses are made for narcissists because they had a toxic parent and they are wounded souls. You are proof that they turn nasty out of bitterness and they have a choice!
I agree with this. I grew up surrounded by them and still came out a kind empath. There's no excuse. It's all about them. Guilt tries to get me but then I think about myself and thats a big fat NO. I did not turn out like that, so why did they??? because they're only in it for themselves. PERIOD
My dad's parents were sweet, loving, perceptive, open-minded people who loved having and raising their big family. It's how so many narcs on the paternal side of the family learned to mask so devastatingly well. My dad and his siblings not only had this great example from their parents, they were also taken to church and Sunday school with great regularity ( they were Catholic. It was considered some sort of huge sin to miss unless you were sick or something). As a result, they heard that Gospel. They know about the will of God. Despite all of this, my dad and at least two of his sibs are two-faced, hypocritical, malignantly destructive and rotten to the core. The flip side is also true. My sibling ended up as a horribly destructive malignant narcissist just like Daddy while I did not. My sib also married one. And, the "friends" that my sibling and their spouse value the most are the ones who are the most evil. And, the more a person is good at heart, the more they will trash that person. I know people can be damaged to the point of being toxic and can struggle to treat themselves and others well. But, there is a world of difference between that and an evil person. With an evil person, you can tell that the goal is to hurt you as an end unto itself. And, there is no sincere remorse. There is an ongoing pattern of not just causing you pain and frustration, but of pillaging all of your internal resources. There is a pattern of luring you in to trust them and tearing you apart once you do. I had difficulty understanding the Bible for years. But, once I understood the real nature of the enemies of God ( not the one the hypocrites like to sell), it started snapping into place. It's the malignant narcs that are on the opposite side of the war of the universe from me. I also read somewhere that even a high functioning sociopath can logically conclude that life is better if they do what's right. It's just immensely harder for them. Moral bankruptcy is a choice. It's definitely a choice.
This video makes me want to cry. I can relate so much. I recently learned during a therapy session that my ex of 6 years was likely a covert narcissist. I was suffering in silence for so long and had no idea why. The love bombings, the fake crying, the lying, the guilting. I thought he just had a bad memory because he seemed to remember doing or saying nothing. The mind games are horrible. We broke up in November and I’m still so blocked mentally. I still find myself questioning reality. I hate that people so easily prey on the vulnerable. My question for you was if they are aware of what they are doing and you answered it for me. Even more saddening. I’m happy I stumbled across this video. I’m sorry for the hurt your mother caused you but I’m glad you see through it all now and can heal yourself and others. Thank you so much for sharing!!!
I had a Situation like this with my father that abused and tortured me, my grandmother told me i dont realize reality because my father is so nice to me, so i starting questioning my reality long time.
Can totally relate, also from a parent..treading on eggshells, never knowing which side you're going to get, then getting called crazy for telling truths...,becomes emotionally draining. Utterly exhausting.
Danish, thank you for sharing your story and for using your pain to bring healing to those of us who are still figuring out what the heck is happening or what has happened to us. My narcissists are my husband who is like your father, and my deceased mother-in-law who sounds just like your mother. I had a storybook childhood and never knew people could be mean and manipulative like them, and I believed everything they said and did to me. They brought me to my knees and made me feel like I was literally losing my mind. They were so cruel. It was like he was married to his parents and I was an enemy that they were trying to take down. And they were successful. They broke my spirit and I limped through what should have been the best years of my life. I am 63 and back when I was raising my four kids ten hours away from my family/support system, I didn’t have the resources and information that is available now that would have helped me figure out that I was a victim of abuse. It’s people like you who are helping me and others untangle exactly what the heck was/is going on. I really thought I was the problem. Thx for helping us understand people with evil souls.
It took me forty years to break with my covert narcissistic mother. Zero contact is the only way. Your observations are so spot on and helpful. Thank you.
This was what stole so many years of my life, health, money, spiritual assurance, so much- he believed he was a victim & preyed upon all sympathies , i was an empath & almost destroyed me. Everyone abandoned us & believed him , magnifying the abuse. They are cowards bcs tho he would use divorce to threaten me so often , and cold hearted abuse, he would never do it they are lazy and non active they drive you to action then blame you play the victim. He stole my church family and they think he is the victim but he almost destroyed us , i did leave everything just to save us. These ppl are almost soul less and never stop lying .
Your kindness and clarity bring me so much relief. I recently hit an emotional bottom with my mother who is exactly all these things. The fear of abandonment, sense of obligation, and GUILT have run me my whole life and I cannot tolerate this pain and confusion any more. Im seeking therapy and went low contact. The veil of deceit was pierced by her recent vile behavior and your videos, esp this one, has absolutely shredded it. Thank you for your light, your strength, your truth❤
My father is a raging covert narc. The most evil thing I've ever seen. I now know why your videos and insta posts feel so relatable to me. I'm sorry you had to go through such trauma, and are even now doing so, because I know the trauma never ends, no matter how far you are from the narc now. I wish you all the best and thank you for being such a huge support to many of us who have gone through and are going through the same kind of nightmare everyday. My mom died when I was 4, and I was brought up by my covert narc father and my overt narc aunt. I was the scapegoat child. My life has been a nightmare. It took me nearly 30 years to come to terms with the fact that I was being abused (and had been all of my life since I was a toddler) and groomed by my family since I was a baby, and the recovery process has been excruciating. My father is all of those things that you mentioned in this video, and more. Much, much more. I've secretly started consulting a therapist (because if my father gets any hint of this, he'll make my life even more hell than he already has) and I've been diagnosed with cPTSD and OCD. I don't feel human anymore, and I know that's the result of being controlled like a puppet all of my life by my inhuman father and aunt. It's especially hard considering I live in a very conservative community that has zero knowledge of human psychology and zero empathy for people suffering from severe psychological ailments. I've been called a liar, a bad daughter, an ingrate, an abuser, a "pagal", and everything in between and my father and aunt have been called utter angels on earth, just because I dared to speak the truth. Eventually, I stopped speaking. Something that covert narcs do to you is distort your sense of reality. They mess with your head so much that you don't know what's real anymore, and you're stuck in a constant, perpetual state of hypervigilance and anxiety, reduced to a shell of a human being. There was at time when I was a robot. I didn't know what was real and what was a lie. I just accepted that everything my dad said was a lie, but I had to pretend it wasn't to be spared from his wrath and resulting tantrums. I lived my life mechanically, just doing the bare minimum to exist. That's all I did. Exist. I would just sit in my room, still and straight, vacantly staring at the wall until my dad or aunt would call me with some demand to be fulfilled, which I would fulfill and then come back to my room and sit like that waiting for the next demand. They had successfully turned me into their personal robot. I wasn't human anymore. Dazai Osamu is one of my favourite authors, and his book, "No Longer Human" is one of my favourite books because it's one of the most relatable things I've ever read. But I love his "Setting Sun" more because it's more relatable to me. In this book, the protagonist's mom is presented as this angel-on-earth type woman, who is perpetually a victim, and her daughter (the protagonist) spends half of the book catering to her while ignoring her own mental and physical health and needs and her own life, just like I have done my entire life. For me, the mother is a very apt characterisation of a covert narc. She is a wolf in sheep's clothing. But here is the most interesting part... In all critical and literary analyses that I've read of the book, the mom is ALWAYS seen as what she herself poses as: a sacrificing angel of a human who can do no wrong and who is a great victim of every circumstance ever. People see the character as "an example of a member of a downfallen nobility after WWII", but to me, that's not it. That's not what she is. The person who actually suffers the consequences of both the personal and social situation is *the daughter* and not the mother. The mother, the covert narc, has successfully done what all covert narcs are so good at doing: fooled an entire population of the readers of this book into thinking she was the victim all along, and that _she_ is the greatest thing to exist since sliced bread. That's one of the reasons I love this book so much. It's one of the most realistic descriptions of a covert narc. To normal people who have never encountered such a person, she's what she's pretending to be, and the only people who will read the book with the "covert narc" interpretation are the ones who do know what the reality is. Dazai's own life was very similar to mine, especially his childhood, and his depictions of narcissism in his books is just *chef's kiss*. In fact, he wrote a short story about a narc when he was 16. And that's one of the best depictions of narcissism I've ever read. If you haven't, I really recommend reading his works. But sorry about the tangent. I also wanted to add a sixth trait of covert narcissists that make them so dangerous, and that is their hidden sadism. They're extremely sadistic, but they won't show their sadism outright, like they do everything else. They're evil, but they're also covert. Unless you've been a victim yourself, you don't see the sadism even if they're being sadistic right in front of you. They're all predators. You know how a cheetah hunts a gazelle? The cheetah will hide behind a bush or tall grass and will sit there, crouched down, for hours, watching the gazelle. Out of the entire herd of gazelles, they select the one that they feel is the weakest and would be the slowest, and therefore, the easiest to catch. Then they just wait. They don't pounce rightaway. They wait as long as they have to, to make sure that the gazelle is completely unaware of it and unsuspecting of any attack. Once the gazelle is completely calm and unaware, the crouching cheetah then reveals itself and hunts it. This is what covert narcs do. They select a victim who is empathetic and "easy to mould" and then they spend years grooming them. Once the grooming is complete and the victim is completely under the narc's control, they pounce. And since they warp their victim's sense of reality and ability to trust their own feelings, experiences and judgement, the victim themselves don't realise they're being manipulated and abused. And that's the reason I ignored all of the red flags. I ignored everything I saw and felt, because I was brainwashed to feel like it was all my imagination because I was an ungrateful child. But it's true that I did see and feel those things. Just like you say in your video. And it's one of these things that I want to talk about, and this has got to do with the covert narc's sadism. I've seen a kind of smile on my dad's and aunt's faces since I was a child, that made me very uncomfortable and afraid. It's the Narcissistic smile. I'd love it if you could make a video about that. It's such an evil, sadistic smile, full of malignancy and hate. And they always smile like that when they feel like they've "won" over me by making my life hell. For example, I was once suffering from an acute gastric problem, for which I was taking a medicine that made me go to the bathroom very frequently. My aunt deliberately "bathed" for two hours that day, so that I couldn't go to the bathroom. In the end, I was delirious in excruciating pain and banging on the bathroom door, crying. After two hours of so, my aunt emerged from the bathroom, with the most sadistic smile I've ever seen. Like she was telling me, "see? I control your life. Know your place, peasant." She deliberately kept the bathroom locked for two hours knowing that I was sick and would need to use it, and gained sadistic pleasure out of my suffering. That smile looked like she had "won the battle between her and me", whatever "the battle" was in her sick mind that day, and that she was showing me my place, at her feet. I've seen that smile on her and my dad many times throughout my life. But no one else has. They reveal their sadism only to me, knowing that no one else would believe me even if I told the truth. I've seen my dad act covertly sadistic with others too, but he never smiles then. He never reveals his actual glee at the other person's suffering at his hands. In fact, he acts like he's extremely concerned about them and sorry for their suffering, and if he's the one who caused that suffering, then he pretends to be innocent and then accuses the victim of framing him, thereby becoming the victim himself. No matter what, in which reality and on what planet, a covert narc is ALWAYS A VICTIM. That's their only identity. But my aunt, who is an overt narcissist, is different. She doesn't hide her sadism. She's not even aware of her sadism being exposed. She smiles like that in front of other people too. She doesn't know she's a narc. But my father does. And that's one of the things that make covert narcs so dangerous. Even though they pretend not to know, they're actually self-aware. They know what they are. They might not know the name of it, or what it means from a psychological pov, but they know what kind of people they are, and that what they do is actually evil. *They know.* And they hide it. Expertly. No Oscar is enough for a covert narc. They're the greatest actors on Earth. And the reason they're so dangerous is because they're hiding in plain sight. They're covert. Sorry about this looooong rant. You probably won't read this, but thanks again 💚
This is wonderfully written and I know the smile. My covert mother has it. She doesn’t show it to anybody else but me . She knows that at a certain young age I was fully on to her evil ways. You are also correct that nobody will believe you or see it. I’ve always seen straight through her and she knows it. Yes, the damage was done, but I knew there was a lot wrong with this lady.
Thank you so much for sharing & recommending the books. I wish you great healing and that you may one day experience all the love that you deserve. You are so worthy and so loved by the Creator of the entire Universe. ❤❤❤
Culture plays a large effect. You can t leave easily. Keep that in mind. I just speak as a Christian, freedom is possible by my Lord, the real one. G luck.
My mother was a loved by everyone. She made every person feel like the most important person in the room. And she hated my guts. She slandered me to everyone in our town. My own relatives would cross the street to avoid me. Noone would ever have believed what she put me through. I had to leave our town When your own mother doesnt love you it is very hard to find love in the world. I will never know why these are the cards life dealt me. But at least now we have knowledge of narcissistic abuse. Knowing that when i was young would have made all the difference in the world. At least i understand it now.
She couldn't love you/hated you not because of you but because of what she hated/couldn't love about herself that she connected with you in her mind. I hope you find healing and find love in your own heart. You are important and lovable, please take care of you! Much love and kind regards from another human 🤗
If we were asked to create a character that personified evil, we could never conceive of the characteristics that make up these vulnerable covert narcs. My sister destroyed her own cousin party where some of us while playing a fun game (as she was giving a tour of her house for the 100th time) were explosively interrupted by her shouting "games are stupid; just talk to each other like ur supposed to," Everybody was so stunned but said nothing. A few months later, i called her out on her bullying, gaslighting and visceral screaming jags on so many issues and cut off the relationship-- and happily for 5 years now. You can't give in to these psychopaths! You must stand ur ground, become a Sigma female or male. Many thanks for this difficult and important discussion, Danish! Nobody deserves the sadistic treatment they so dismissively and consciously dish out to innocent victims! 😮❤
Wow! Sounds like your cousin really could not stand other people's happiness. Good for you for cutting off ties with her. She would of brought you down. Cousin or no cousin it's not worth jeopardizing your well-being.
I was in a relationship with this type of narcissist, who was aware of these behaviors and would label me with them when I was legitimately confused and trying to have a conversation. I would know exactly what I said or did and would know when he changed details to fit his narrative, but when trying to defend myself I would be accused of doing exactly what he was doing.
OMG.. me too😢 There’s a part of me still fighting denial… it can’t be true but the word-for-word things he’s said to me that every other narc says .. it’s eerie… 💔
I had the same experiences! It made me think I was the one with a mental illnesses (borderline personality disorder, OCD, hypocondria, ADHD, etc.). The denial and confusion is so poisonous. I have been writing every detail down and read it when I think I'm the problem. I've also shared my experience with close people to help make sure I have more confidence I'm seeing things clearly. It's taking a while but it's rare when I doubt myself now. You can fight those doubts and trust yourself again!
Yes, I experienced this in my childhood. I've been surrounded by Narcissists. It is very difficult for a Mother to leave an abusive relationship, though, so I can understand that argument. I remember being out of my mind with rage when my Mother acted like I was the wrong doer. My Mother used to go and mope in her bed in that way. She also expected attention all the time and if we did anything wrong with her breakfast tray, that is what she would focus on, not the gesture. Unfortunately, I had worse with my Eldest Sister, and it seems I've met it throughout my life, in work situations, and leisure. Not sure why I attract Narcissists, but I do.
My previous coworkers were the same as well. They always appeared in the cover of "concern", but in actions took me down. They smeared me and slandered me socially, professionally, legally, personally and virtually. Literally everything negative one can imagine was all done, but in the cover of "benefitting me, helping me, in my concern" . The funniest part is, socially and legally all of this was accepted and people took part in their game. This makes the previous coworkers less evil than the people and society who accepted this behavior of their' . Because if there were no performers, there would have been no performance.
This is absolutely my mother. She used every single tactic on my sister and I growing up and into my 30s until I finally realized she was a narcissist and all my failed relationships were narcissists. Horrific trauma which gave me CPTSD and a myriad of emotional which turned into physical illnesses.
Damn same thing brother every relationship I look back now is 42 years old with failed marriages and now having to go through a no contact with my mother, realizing the boundaries is not in her vocabulary neither is validation any sort of emotional regulation or intelligence, but I can tell you right now every relationship I’ve ever been in has ended the same and played out the same part of due to my own car and weakness being abuse my own mother of myself, they set us up man, and it starts with our mothers caretakers, but usually half full narcissists are women and mothers and how many people realize that and the damage is lifelong I don’t even know what true in real love is I don’t know if I’ve ever seen it and been turned off by it thinking it was wrong and not what I had learned what love was growing up it was overreaching it was boundary crossing. It was extremely extremely unhealthy type of love that I grew up to be normal now realize how toxic it was so I don’t know if I’ve ever ran into the real person that could change my life. It’s only to walk away, thinking or not being attracted to, but only being attracted to the type of personality that well as my mother who took care of me and reminded me of my childhood, and in the end became such a trauma bonding abusive situation that I don’t think I’ll ever recognize love and that’s really hard for me except not a true romantic, hopeless, romantic. I think that if I’ve ever to see somebody that it was meant to actually be a lifelong mutually respectable relationship, I would be turned off to discuss it or we would not get along our personalities wouldn’t conflict even though I’m aware of what has happened that I’m just trying to heal and change right now but I’m afraid that I don’t have any sort of attract ability as far as that goes so that sucks. I feel ya.
@@simeondsharp3569 they sure did a number on us didn't they? I hope you have found a way to start healing. Don't sell yourself short. You can heal and have a healthy, happy relationship with someone. I found a great therapist that specialized in complex trauma/narc abuse along with some good books about complex trauma. I'm happy to say that next month I'll celebrate 10 years of marriage and 2 kids with my husband (I'm a woman btw). He has absolutely supported and encouraged me in the healing process. It can happen for you as well.
My dad, big-time big-time big-time and my mom and the neighbor a big time big time, and then more narcissist in my life after that, but I did not know any of these people were narcissists until just the September 4. I knew there was dysfunction and everything for so many many years, but I had no idea the definition to narcissist was more than just someone who was considering themselves by their actions like looking in a mirror or talking about how awesome they are. Now, in my life, it explains so so so much. When my dad would get mad, sometimes, my mom would then just side and join him.
Oh my gosh. This is my ex. I tried to explain to a few close people how he would take whatever had actually happened in whatever situation and rewrite it into anything that made me sound like an awful, abusive liar. People didn’t really believe me until they became part of the stories. Now he is trying to have me charged with his attempted murder. These people are insanely dangerous.
My sister is a covert and she told me she is an empath. She told me she knows how others are feeling. She does not use that knowledge for good though but instead to manipulate and lie. She gathers info from everyone and is constantly telling people what others said or how they feel. She has told me things about others and has told people around me things about others. She constantly lies. One week she will tell me one thing and next week on the exact same discussion she will tell me the opposite. I think she gathers info, tries to find out how others tick and tries to be the go between with interpersonal issues of people. She tries to be all things to all people while making sure she has the latest Info and the edge. I have no words for what she has become. I’m sure she will only up her game.
This is my sister!! She's been diagnosed with BPD and is a covert narcissist playing empath and healer! This is a whole new breed of "healer" covert narcissists! Narcissism is the virus plaguing our planet!! Lord, help us all 🙏
That's a good observation- a new breed of narcs playing empath and healer. I've got one of those in my family. Your sister - sounds like you should go no contact.
@@sandrathomas2893 Actually they are empathic (as in they can sense readily someone's feelings & psyche), but the are NOT empathetic! They were first abused and/or neglected, and so had this extra fast ability as a survival skill. Is crazy dad or loving dad (or mom) coming at me, they learned quickly to sum up the room. But they were too damaged........
I just received my brothers ashes. When my brother killed himself my mother wouldn’t let me come to his service. I might be a victim too. She kept his ashes in a shoebox in her closest. My mother died November 2022. My ex coerced her to change her will. My cousin, who is the trustee, withheld all important family objects. She’s held them charging my inheritance to withhold these items. I literally just got the ashes. I fell to pieces. Even more I am soooo angry. How can there be such cruelty? I feel bombarded by ex narcissist, my mom narcissist and the constant flying monkeys. I try to keep going.
my brother (the golden one who was/is aggressive and mean) and my niece (raised by my narc mother) both stole the family inheritance, he stepped in and controlled everything while reaping $$$$ but behind his back my niece had already taken my mother (who by this time had dementia and was frail) pressured her into signing a new will at a notary and then cashed out millions and left the country. yep, both "golden children aka arrogant thieves" - same as what my mother did to her siblings, my mother did this to obtain her wealth as well, so she taught them well. the rest of us (8 others) were in the will but none of us got anything due to their theft...............and they are hiding out but we are not going to chase them. let the devil take his due...........
my niece left the country and my brother (both "golden" children of the narc) was a cop so no touching them - but karma will be waiting for them, as with all of us. I will wait on God instead. peace.....@@louisemorgan3237
Thank you thank you thank you Danish. I was close to suicide but after seeing many of your knowledgeable videos I have found my fighting spirit back and will to survive. I had hit rock bottom with the abuse and being the scapegoat but thanks to your videos I have learnt it's NOT my fault and that I have been abused and betrayed in the worst way. I now know it was not my fault and that has given me my desire to live back and stand up for myself and what's right. Thank you so so so much Danish. ❤
Hey just here to tell you that you are the most brave soul whose strength no one can estimate. Those around you don't deserve you a bit. You have a lot to live for and you will find people who will be grateful to God to have met you. Sending hugs. We are all in this fight together ❤️
My only way to combat that suicidal nag is to tell the TRUTH. They lie, but we can tell the truth. And try truth is they want to destroy you. Then, everyone would have to feel bad for them all over again and give them attention. That’s who we are dealing with. I saw my mom do this with my brother. She neglected him through cancer, then, when he died she enjoyed all the funeral attention.
I can relate to everything you’ve said Danish. Life with covert vulnerable and covert alfa narcissists feels like living in a horror movie. There’s nothing you can do about it but leave. We can only control what we can control which is ourselves. Covert narcisists will torment you to death. We have to walk away and stay away from those evil creatures who operate in human bodies.
I met a few vulnerable covert narcissists in my grad program and they really were the worst. At first, they seemed really nice and friendly (but in hindsight, almost too good to be true). Then, they started crossing boundaries...like acting helpless and needy, so that you actually spend time and effort helping them, when they can do these things on their own. And after they get what they want from you, they discard and backstab you. For instance, one of them asked for advice on which courses to take...and then later told the professors what I said. Another one got help from me on the project we were working on together...he was praised by the professor for his work and tried to prevent me from sharing my work (this was a remote meeting on Zoom and he needed to stop sharing his screen, otherwise I can't share my screen). When I asked the professor if I could work by myself on a different project, the narc acted like he was the victim...and unfortunately, the professor sided with him and told the other professors, ultimately ruining my reputation in the program.
Ew why does this seem like a common Occurrence for grad school..... exact same for me with my disgusting TA in my grad program. He literally was the ~uwu, poor me~ kind of dude who would do things for students to establish himself as the "cool and helpful" TA that everyone loves. He then slowly and implicitly kept pushing himself on me, asking for my # etc and always framed it like it was for discussion / academic enrichment (there were some subjects I was super interested in and he'd recommend books, sources etc). Then, he'd up the ante and try to make moves on me without even telling me (all of a sudden out of nowhere, he'd offer me his jacket etc). Then when I finally noticed (bc he was so damn covert lmao) and pointed out that I have a BF but it's my private life and I didn't know I needed to let my male TA in on that information, he acted disgusted and appalled lmaoo. Like how dare I not know he was trying to violate title IX and reveal info about my personal life? Then when I ofc would not do anything with him, he slept with another girl during the quarter and made moves on several others as we neared the end of it. He would then FUNNEL THIS INFO TO ME (!!) as if I had anything to do with it, so now it would somehow be my burden to carry, like I was complicit somehow. Had I tried to point it out or say anything I am 100% certain I would have been framed as an aggressor because I'm much more direct than he is and he already established relationships where he made himself a "nice and sweet guy" to others. I am certain very few people would believe me in such a context. Cue himself peppering me with woe is me texts, I'm so emotionally vulnerable, omg why won't this student I violated title IX with engage with me in ways I want, etc. I wish I had known it wasn't commonplace for students to take TAs contact info,, this dude would literally go out with a group in the cohort and were so casual. So, from that I assumed that since grad students and TAs are closer in age/status (literally I also had professors asking me to always call them by their first names) that this might be more of a commonplace thing in grad school. Phew... little did I know. These types are honestly so pathetic and it's even worse when it's packaged into a male assistant trying to neg you into doing "favors" for them. These leeches are by far the worst... lesson(s) learned.
In one counciling section in mutual divorce i got really destroyed and cried alot.i understand your pain.Dont be sad .They don't deserve us...live a peaceful life 💕
there were so much information on the Internet about narcissism…… My divorce was in 2002 and there was nothing… There has been a lot of change and there needs to be lots and lots more… I wish you good luck and strength as I do to anyone who has suffered narcissistic abuse and is working to heal themselves
These kind of people make me sink. Dated one for 2 months and when I saw a woman leave his apartment one day, I asked him "did you sleep with her?" His response "I won't say I haven't" ..then told me to "get off my high horse". 1 year later after it was over that day, he begged me to move to Montreal with him and he said he had changed and would be faithful. I felt that gross feeling again in my gut and knew it was another fat lie. Didn’t go and 6 years later met a wonderfully kind and sensitive man and going strong for now 25 years! There are good people out there.
my mother was/is the same. After 15 yrs abuse incl beatings food deprivation gaslighting, I finally fought back then she called social services & feigned a breakdown, feigned Parkinson’s & gave my father an ultimatum “either he leaves or I leave” at which point I was placed in care, years later she said “haven’t you moved on yet, I was abused …” no remorse / accountability, now the whole enabling family are dead to me
This episode is very special in many ways.The chosen topic is really crucial to make others understand.But you have made it comprehensible with your wonderful skills of simple presentation. This is your biggest asset. Showing intense knowledge of topics doesn't work.Making others to understand complex things in a smooth way is the real intelligence I can deeply relate with each of your words 🙏
My mother through and through, always accusing me of attacking her when I was only trying to get some resolution, I wasted so much time and energy trying to get her to act like a human being. Epic FAIL!
Yes. When I tried to resolve things with my nex, he said I was attacking him. You are the first I've seen make this observation which matches my experience.
You just described my ex husband soooooooooo accurately! The pathological lying, the fake empathy, the insanely high level of victimhood, the invisible knife wounds, denying anger but always angry, heaping on the guilt, playing on my empathy, and almost driving me to kill myself. Other people are still falling for it, but I see clearly now.
It makes them look bad when they can't control you any more. So, that need for it, craving ultimate control, if you let them, they will figuratively bash your brain in to get it. Some of them will do that literally. I wanted to understand, why my own family would scapegoat, invalidate & discard me. All those years I've made excuses for them. Now I know why, awareness has made it impossible to further excuse any of it. Breaking, or attempting to break the cycle so many times, it's broken for good now. I can't believe I'm saying this, I'm glad that I was scapegoated, used, abused, discarded. I haven't lost my family, they've not been my family since the first time I stood up for myself age 13. I've lost an unbearable burden, I've lost the millstone, finally, from around my neck. I'd rather be me, than any of those wretched sorry excuses for human beings. Thank you, Danish, for baring your soul in order that we may make, something resembling sense, of this utter madness. One:LOVE.
This set off a staggering number of bad memories. Even if you remember them saying something… What day was it? What time? Do you remember exactly word for word what was said? What was the context? Who else was in the room? Was the statement made because of something they said? Let’s say you can clear these hurdles… well.. it’s unbelievable YOU went to that extent. It’s because YOU are always trying to start something. YOU are an unforgiving bitter soul who holds grudges. YOU are unloving and always trying to bring him down just like everyone else. YOU never stand up for him. He is all alone with no one to rely on. Meanwhile you’re paying for their entire existence.
@@tesla4473 You spend so much time trying to prove things: your love, your trustworthiness, your point, your value.... I want to stop going between extremes like trying to never think about that time and remembering it to justify myself to myself. I hope by "yesterday" you were remembering the PAST and that past isn't current for you.
Dated a woman last summer that was definitely covert narc. Just getting to know her, I would say something about my preference about something totally innocuous. She would get offended to the point I could not continue the conversation until I APOLOGIZED for HER inability to emotionally handle the fact that someone else has a different opinion that her. She also got offended when I didn't ASSUME that she already knew something, or had been somewhere, when the conversation had never happened before. Like, how tf can I know that she had already been someplace on the plenty that not many other people had been? And why would anyone get offended by Me mentioning I liked that place, and the reasons why I did? It was insanity. After 2-3 months she had picked apart my career, family, place I lived (one of the top 10 places to live in American)... where I had considered moving to before coming here, literally every single thing about Me she had attacked passive-aggressively. A day or two after learning that thing about Me. It's like dating a demon possessed 3 year old. Yuk!
Whew! Powerful words. I am living with one now. My husband of 16 years. He drove me to alcoholism, but i quit drinking over 6 months ago, and started therapy at the same time. I have a plan of action to leave, especially realizing his part in my almost total downfall. I am putting my life back together and that scares him to death. We all must stay strong, support each other. And most importantly, know we ARE good people, not who they want us to think we are. Thank you❤
Wow, I totally get this, I’ve been with him since I was 16 I’m now 51, I have a plan too, he controlled be financially, emotionally, spiritually everything really, both my parents died when I was 30 so that didn’t help matters, he’s getting worse. I have a well paying job money goes into a different bank account. They actually drive you to drink. Yes we need to have a clear head. ✨💫
Danish, thank you so much. Yes it’s very true to even recognise this kinda abuse is difficult. I have many solid examples for every points. I too realised about my narc mother just a year ago, I was 30yrs. And really hurts to know that one person who thought loved me never had the motherly affection or care it was just a play. Idk how to explain the hurt, now that I remember each and every incident it’s even more tedious. It was all about her even now. I tried to reason with her cause my inner child never wanted to let go of this trauma bond, no matter how much I explained my hurt it was only about her she could talk.
My narc son is a covert, i found him out, caught him character circumsizing his brother, than found out he accused me of taking side against him which made him wild, he now hates me and my wife wishing we were dead, these evil spirits have to be isolated for the well been of normal people, continuous exploitation can lead to disastrous consequences for normal souls, to keep away from them is a start of well been for decent health sake ❤
Thank you for the video I found out my mother is a covert narcissist only after her death till her death she traumatized me to the core. She behaved like a martyr her whole life like her parents didn’t care and husband is alcoholic abuser and her actual problems started when she was pregnant with me and I have brought all the bad luck in her life and she literally said this to me. I was depressed all my life trying into impress her with both me and my brother she played games and separated us completely that we don’t care each other. Not even a day would end without she bringing up the topic of how she sacrificed her life for us and left her husband and actually in truth she had a affair with a man my fathers friend when he was working in different country and one night I literally caught them and I was shocked to the core I was just 10 years and from then I saw her real face and she got to know that I knew about the affair and started abusing me and infront of others she would insult me and always I am the most arrogant one and she was such and angel doing beautiful things for me even though I am a devil. After this when my father came back I wanted to become close to him and my mother gaslighted my father and he would beat me she left my brother not caring about him and he became very stubborn and didn’t study and would fight with me she filled my brothers heart with jealousy and when father wasn’t at home she would gaslight us talking how my father is a failure and she was the one supporting our family and then one day my father also has a doubt that my mother had a affair with his friend and then in an argument she shouted it infront of others and that day she left the home with me and left my brother there in complete confidence that I won’t open my mother and after going to my maternal parents she did all drama and accusing everyone that her life was hell because of them and asked for divorce my grandmother is a big narcissist and she knew what her daughter was doing and she did not support this drama and finally she didn’t take divorce but she wanted my father to come for us and create fights and drama and torture her parents and even they were fed up from all this and told her to go from her and all my life and studies were disturbed every time with horrible dramas running away from places and finally after slowly everything became normal and my father left hope on us and my brother also slowly started to realize and began working and I started working and then the topic of my marriage started and she would blame me for everything why was I like the way I am low esteem low confidence not social and she blamed me that no one would be interested to marry me and tortured me horribly I had an argument with her and burst out and then she cried that day and then went to my brother and told everything bad about me and he started shouting at me I wanted to run away that time but to scared to do it and finally she died and only after that my grandparents and my aunt my mother’s sister who is a narcissist herself tried all the games and I was really strong at that time not letting anyone control me and slowly I got married after sometime now I am living away from them but I just can’t go no contact even when I limit the contact they call me and trigger me with their words I am doing mediation now to come out of my depression even my in-laws side everyone is a narcissist and he to suffered a lot and still in control of my in laws but he understands me and takes care of me and slowly I am trying to come out of my trauma and depression.
No contact with multiple “family members” has brought me some semblance of peace. I still have som battle wounds that are slowly healing. Peace to everyone 🙏🏾
Dude, you can do it. Start watching how disgusting he is. I’m in the middle of it but just 2 days ago I finally know. I don’t think he has any redeeming qualities, he’s a fake. Start testing him by changing your face and emotions in conversation. Watch how much he mirrors you, always gauging where you’re at. Well actually, there’s so many stages. But kick his ass out to start Nothing will happen until that happens. You will literally fall out of love with him if you string it along right. Feels like a process and every day I change. It’s crazy And so effing sad, I’ve shared myself with this person who’s had zero respect for me all along. It’s a charade. They’re just better at it sometimes bc of you, they’ll have surface like for you, but they don’t actually give a shi about you. Your kids know, let them lead. You’ll win
Also, he’s cheating on you. I never thought it, 23 years. Than one day, it all just starting falling into place. It’s insane. You actually lived all these moments so once your perception changes, it’s mind bending. If you girls want to survive, to gain back some weight and recognize the person in the mirror, kick this off, and don’t stop until it’s done. You don’t love him, he’s never treated you well and you know it. Once you see, you won’t care anymore. Cling to the babies, they know, and you’re their mama.
They act with dissonance. It’s a coverts favorite behavior. A sly cold shoulder toward you, they say, aww here you go again. The covert doesn’t like that you notice. It’s a springboard for more drama. They then project. It becomes a weird game of ping pong. You just have to end the game . Yes and the other behavior that pops up is how we are supposed to be mind readers. We should always know what to do, we for some reason should know everything they need to, their schedule, and what their next plan is. But yet they don’t know anything about us, the empaths. They pretend that we keep secrets and that we don’t disclose any of our plans , schedules or anything. But yet we are supposed to have crystal ball powers and know everything about them . And then , here’s the kicker if we don’t remember stuff , they get stressed and blame us for their stress and get mad at us for not remembering how important their work is or their schedule. What crock of poo
My brother, someone who never really commits to a situation and life itself, like all narcs, and someone who never reveals himself, because "himself" is not there... Someone who on top of that always predicts his own fail... he can indeed not be beat. A covert narcissist that is "successful" will make sure, that soon enough he will fall and fail again. He can not bear the responsibility of winning. He must fall back into the adopted role of victim hood, that he switches so quickly to abuser who victimizes those, stupid enough to care for him... I also feel one very typical ingredient oft coverts is the co-dependent nature. In this example of "mother child" relationship, it shows brutally: The mother uses the dependency of the child and actually abuses this "power" to camouflage the fact, that the truly dependent, needy and abusive person is herself.... So Covert narcissists are deeply needy and dependent, but constantly try to violently shift that perspective of them being co-dependents to the opposite view: This person is dependent of me. This person depends on my grandiosity, that I have lost, cause I am such a victim. But if that person shows me, and believes me, I can almost feel, as if.. I am alive... something like that.... And my friend, I agree with you on this: I think coverts are more aware than most grandiose narcissists. They are secretly proud to be evil. To be bad. To be sadistic. But when you mortify them , by making it public, that is when suddenly they are not so proud and sadistically smiling anymore. That's when they retreat into victim hood.
Danish, yes. The skill and “mastery” of the Covert’s ability to present with empathy, is astounding. You are a miracle gift to us, Danish, conveying in such exquisite detail, the hidden agenda of the Covert.
My last ex was one and I have dated more than one. The s*** storm of abuse I experienced with him over a 7 month relationship I am still recovering from getting on for 2 years later. They are monsters
Plus the snap rage attacks. My mom use to beat me till I blacked out.. this was before three... (we moved when I was three and she couldn't hit us like she use to) She never got caught.. as this is adult and battery along with years of snap rage that would end in countless hours of beatings and punishments.. Hours I spent locked in my room.. because she got some reason hated me... I really wish I had evidence so I could take her to court now that they brought back the chair for pedos. She used my sister to catch a pedo... one she knew about since she was a child. She used my sister to catch a grown man... my sister wasn't even two..... and the way she treated me.. it's disgusting.
Hello from another one of your siblings from a different country! To me the key difference between "being a liar" and "pathological lying" is that the first ones do it for profit and the second ones do it even when it's against their best interests; they do not even comprehend the truth. "You were born to take care of me". BTW, if anybody reading this hasn't, read or watch "Like Water for Chocolate", but trigger warnings galore. Both my progrenitrix and the one in that book have that mindset: "you're the child that I've decided will spend her whole life caring for me, therefore you're not allowed to have any kind of life of your own".
This is what I went through and I can't describe it the way you do. I'm an adult and they drain me to the point I have no idea how to escape. I don't know how to avoid all my family which is what I should do. People think I have the best family and I'm so tired
Yes, I was with a dangerous covert vulnerable narcissist who hid everything and presented himself as a honorable awesome caring person. He was living a whole other life, and he totally fooled us all
I literally said exactly what you said. He is super manipulative covert narc and I acoid them. They told a flat lie about me as a parent and 20 minutes gaslighted me and played victim.
When I did walk away, I got an "apology" to tempt me into letting them back in. By "apology" I mean I got a sorry minus all the indications of taking responsibility for their part, and then blame shifting - all said with a resentful tone.
I once told him that ever since we have been together, every morning when I wake up, I pray and ask God to please not let him get angry today. "Please don't let him get angry with someone else and then start in on me. Please bless us with a good day, no drama". ...I was giving him a hint that i should not have to pray so hard just to have one good day with no anger. He didn't get it. Because he was the source of all the drama the whole time. I fought so hard, over 10 years, just to have good days without drama. Now that I'm away, I wake up afraid that I'm in trouble.😢 Its just my family here and its just peaceful. Its very hard to shake off. I sometimes feel it when my nephew speakes loudly at the dog... my immediate feeling is...fear!!! It's only been 6 months now that I'm away. He has all my belongings but i can't care. I have my life. I have faith that time will heal. Prayers up to all who are currently suffering this abuse🌹. Thank you for this information because it puts everything into perspective. Its just weird that you have told me everything about him from MY own perspective, when i thought I was all alone. Blessed 🐝 🙏🙏🙏❤️❤️❤️
Danish, my narcissistic family has caused me serious heart problems manifesting from my late 20’s. I am now 50 and have had 4 open heart surgeries (valve repairs/replacements) plus lung, brain and spinal surgeries all within the span of 15 years. I now live with artificial heart valves, heart failure, lung failure. I am convinced living within this dysfunction & abuse caused it. I can possibly articulate how they have mistreated me, especially after my health deteriorated. Ie. they left me 7 hrs away in a Detroit hospital in cardiac ICU less than 12 hours after having my 4th high risk open heart surgery surgery to go home cuz they were bored despite my having rent an apartment for them for the first 2-3 days. I had no one there to advocate for me. They don’t understand what they did wrong. The invalidation over the years has been the worst. They treat me like I only have an ingrown toenail. Just cruel all under the guise of people thinking they are great parents.
Thank you for sharing and explaining this topic so clearly. It's appreciated. I was lucky to receive a wake up call when I was 13 years old from a trusted adult. I was told the harshest truths straight out "Your mother doesn't love you. She cannot love you, she is toxic." It took me many years into my early 20's before I left my entire family behind and it all started with the actual truth. 20 years later my mother found me to say she's going to pass. Nothing had changed, it was worse for all of them and all I said was. "Yeah, I'm glad I got out" then ended the conversation for the very last time. Be strong and know your worth. Get out fully if you can. The most important thing that I held in my heart while breaking free was the facts as I saw them. "You love her because she's your mother, but you do not have to like her as a person, you wouldn't choose her as a trusted friend"
Narcissism is probably the most misunderstood psychological behaviour. I would be surprised if anyone that has made a video or written a paper about this subject that I’ve ever seen is not actually a narcissist themselves. I’m sure not all are aware of this but it is more likely they’re aware than the people they label are. I’ve watched and read a lot of theories on narcissistic behaviours and narcissistic personality disorders none of them have ever mentioned that a significant percentage of narcissistic behaviour is not intentional nor are the narcissists themselves aware they’re doing anything that is considered manipulative or narcissistic. They always ignore the reality that many narcissists are also victims, just as much as the people that are the subjects of their behaviour. Also in my experience many people labeled as narcissists are labelled as such by someone who is actually aware they themselves are narcissistic and use the label as a way of deflecting the truth of their own narcissistic behaviour. I would argue that more often than not defending against the negative effects of a relationship with a narcissist cause the true victim to be the one labeled as the narcissist and any action or behaviour they take simply reinforces the argument that they’re narcissistic. Every person who isn’t a psychopath, feel no empathy or guilt, is to some degree a narcissist. Basically unless you hate yourself completely all your life you are at some level narcissistic which is not inherently a negative thing. Only those that intentionally manipulate and degrade others in order to make themselves look and feel superior are actually doing anything wrong. The rest of narcissistic people are just normal people that don’t hate themselves.
My mother was also a covert narc who has intentionally and functionally ruined my emotional regulation . The constant lying , raging , triangulation and projecting were daily behaviour . I went NO CONTACT when I was 26 . Mercifully for me she died when I was 32 . My husband has some CNarc traits but I had not knowingly been in the presence of a full blown CNarc until we moved next door to one a couple of years ago . There's already been all this drama after having spoken to her half a dozen times . At least I can draw on my past experience to avoid contact with her - I know she won't stop bad mouthing me around the street but I'm not partaking in this behaviour so she's on her own in her drama .
So, what is a Mother that ignored you your entire young life, and exiles you, more than once, and, in the end, purposely puts you 48 000 in debt? What is THAT? She also gave EVERYTHING to my eldest brother. I worked slavishly my entire life.Well and truly toiled.I thought that would give me worth.Not so.
This kind of narcissistic parents saddles the children with a range of jobs to do for them - this one makes them feels big and strong, this one makes them feel successful, this one makes them feel less bad about themselves, this one makes them look like a victim to the outside world; the list of jobs is endless! Resign. Resign, resign. Namaste!
There is a older woman like that at my job.....i put her in her place and now she wont come near, around or in my space. She fears me because i know what she will do before she does it.
My mother was vulveravle co ert,and husband was aggressive covert and father open aggressive narcissist. As as only child I fought it forever. I don't know how I survived and overcame it. Something inside me drove me to something higherr. However their negligence an abandonment gave me self-space to create an alternate self and world that they hated. But It t ook forever to break the trauma bonds.....horrible. t fight has served my psyche, soul and mind....I am the greater person after decades of education and therapy. They all wanted to destroy parts of me. I am hoping that straightening the archetype is the purpose of life! Thank you. 18:36
I have been married 60 yrs of one of these types and he is getting worse each year. I recently found out that my spouse has been poisoning me for over 20 years to keep me very unwell and docile. Drs have never found the cause of my illnesses and I feel thought that I was just seeking attention. My holistic Dr is the one who has done many tests has got my health back on track.
I grew up in this kind of family. It took me decades to start figuring out that something was not quite right. Their cruelty was so intolerable that I wish my mother gave me up and left at some orphanage. I really want to stop existing. She literally drinks my life out. She would rather see me dead than accept what she was and still is doing. Guilt, pity, shame have always been following me on daily basis. I am grateful for this video. It might have just saved my life, as I got to the end of my tether.
Thank you for validating my experience. Felt like I was going crazy. This abuse is so subtle its like boiling frogs in a pan. Turning up the heat a tiny bit at a time. Dont feel it until its far too late. Feeling so hurt and betrayed but I know I will heal.
Thank you again! You are doing so much to help us all better understand the fundamentals of narcissistic personality disorders, and the difference between them. ❤
That's exactly right and it's devastating. Then they use triangulation to get a gang of people against you too. It's a miserable situation. Thank you Danish! Your work here is so helpful and I'm grateful!
This is remarkably accurate. I am so proud to say that I finally broke the ultimate tie it can be comparable to playing pool with the 8 ball 🎱. I finally overcame the narc of all narcs in my life. She spent decades gaslighting and manipulating with her sadist mentality always centered around death and suppose she suddenly dies. Now I welcome this notion. Now I don’t care. And that was the nail in the coffin. The apathy. I felt the trauma bond finally break and now I’m free
Danish, thank you. My mother is 93 in a nursing home, failing physically and mentally, and she still uses these tactics. Since she is failing, at times, I don't know which is the narcissist part and which is the failing part. At 1:45 "holding a covert narcissist accountable" (major statement). At 2:24 "they will revise history" (another major statement). At 5:33 "they can't speak the truth". At 10:50 you mention "they want to keep you subservient". At 11:38 "you feel hypervigilant" (every time I see her). At 12:56 Hidden Habit #4 (I almost jumped out of my chair; and she is good at it). Sadly, I do not think I will mourn her death. btw, I moved 400 miles away (and maintained a physical distance throughout my life) when I turned 18 but I still talked to her on the phone and I went home for holidays (I'm in my 60s). No doubt some of your personal life led you to your professional life - and we are all better for your counsel. I agreed with so many of the other comments.
I have experienced covert narcissist:.
1. You feel something is not right but you can't pinpoint finger at them or anything.
2. They will give you stuff/things but they're not connected to you emotionally.
The covert vulnerable narcissist is, in my opinion, the hardest of the narcissists to spot. They blend so well into everyday life and their grandiosity and lack of empathy is masked by their victimhood.
That’s very true.. I’ve tried to make someone reflect in those area numerous times, but that victim shield is too strong, and it only makes you feel guilty the more you try to make the point.
The more subtle way is asking details about their victimhood. It's usually just their ego being hurt. @@BochuJay
@@redefinedliving5974My NH was so mad at his Mom and disrespected, and verbally abused her…all because when he was 12, and working on a farm across the street, he came in and asked her to make him a sandwich, and she said “no”. She also had 8 kids. I never could understand how he could be so “grandiose”. 22 years later…it all makes so much sense 🤯
@@sharonvaldez9059 this ex friend I had praised the kindness of her ostracized gay uncle in a very religious family because he prepared and paid their dinner as a visitor in their own house. Like?????
Yes, and the problem is that often it can be easy for me to gravitate towards them. Mainly, I think it's because I've also had my share of traumas, and the only people that understand many of my views/angles, are also others that have received similar traumas. Other common people don't notice the same things. Amongst the pool of people traumatized in that age, are exactly also all the ones belonging to this spectrum of disorders (bpd, narc).
My late, un-lamented mother was a covert/vulnerable narcissist who had my father buffaloed, to the point that he could show me the loving kindness of a healthy father only behind her back (to her face, he was her ultimate enabler, alas). She exploited the "how can such an evil child not trust or obey their saintly mother?" public image to the point that I first wanted to stop living by age ten; every birthday or Christmas brought gifts chosen for her pleasure (clothes to dress me up as her living doll, never anything that I would have wanted)...and of course, as I saw her evil (as the family truth-teller), I clearly became her scapegoat. How I managed to defend and maintain myself against her chronic onslaught, I dont know to this day, but I'm grateful for that miracle. When she died, I felt nothing but relief, believe it -- but I forced tears to honor my father's grief; for the twelve years that he outlived her, he was finally able to be the father to me that I needed him to be, however late in my life.
Awful that happened !!!!
Awful you had to force fake tears which was not fair ( tho I understand you were accompanying your father's grief condolences of his grief )
I only felt relief when my mother-in-law died. I literally went in the bathroom and did a happy dance. And when I think about how people say you’ll see your loved ones when you die, my soul instantly warns my MIL to STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME.
@@socalautisticman1975 Thank you for your compassion; I'm doing fine now, understanding more every day and growing stronger as I go. At least I had 12 good, healthy years of a warm relationship with my dad after my mother died (though, alas, he found himself another narcissist [a grandiose one this time, like his own mother, no less] not long after she died -- at least he didn't marry that one; don't get me started re the second one's nonsense, however).
I understand in so many ways. My abusive, grandiose narcissist, adoptive mother died on my 16th birthday and all I felt was relief! She had me so messed up that I didn't even believe she was really dead until I saw her at the "family viewing" 3 days after she died. I almost passed out when I realized it was true!
Similar situation here but my father died 20 years before my narc mother. I think she wore him down. So often I wished she had died 20 years before him and he could have had 20 good years and I could have enjoyed my wonderful father without her constantly tearing us both down.
Normal people usually get accused of being covert narcissists by real covert narcissists when the normal person won't take their abuse anymore
This... my future ex wife has an amazing lack of self-awareness and it was when she called me a narcissist the first time that I really started looking into it; she honestly doesn't realize just how much she helped me break free of her games over the years, but that one took the cake for me. For all the damage she did in my personal and professional life, I've been rather "fortunate" that narcissists don't actually pay attention to their victims beyond surface level as I have a near eidetic memory and am naturally curious by nature, so all of her gaslighting over the years just made me think she was completely crazy instead of doubting myself... the moment she called me a narcissist I immediately looked it up just to see if there was any truth to her accusations, and learned about her (and my mother) which reframed most of my life for me. I feel bad for my children, as she successfully loaded me with difficulties in getting them away from her (and they are her mealticket/camouflage) but I did manage to break her triangulation with them. Now it's all about rebuilding my life so when they each turn 18 I can help them reboot their lives.
Yes, of course. Because it's narcissistic of you to want to keep any tiny bit of your own emotional energy for yourself.
Because of these accusations I question my underlying motivations a lot more. It takes a shock to grow up.
🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌
Amen 🙏
Interacting with a narcissistic personality is like being in a constant psychological maze - the challenge is not just finding the exit but also preserving your own mental clarity.
I'm not even religious, but Amen!
It took me years to work out how to recognise narcissistic manipulation and I still make mistakes but I'm better equipped now knowing how to deal with such behaviour thanks to videos like this.
Yes, that is exactly what take your energy off, imagine playing chess 24/7 or another Game where You have to think very well your next move every second with pressure on time to answer,, of course is exausting. Now imagine if You already very exausted already all day and they play You more, of course this send You to depression and extreme anxiety!!! Panic attacts.
Well said!!!
Great comment!
Narcissits play mind games just as well as any psychopath. Difference is the narcissist actually believe they're own BS:
Amen
He did say it was levels 1 psychopathy.
Amen 🙌🙏🙌🙏🙌
Ah so they’re worse than a psychopath…..
@@ZLLi661What's so weird about it is psychopaths are MUCH easier to get along with. Narcissists are always consumed with crushing shame that they desperately need to dump on someone else. Psychopaths, while still dangerous, have a sort of transparency. They don't need to play games or create chaos to offload their inner turmoil. They just do what they do and call it a day. If someone gets killed oh well that's collateral damage. Which is why they're so dangerous, but at least you can see it because their isn't so much gaslighting and manipulation of the situation to make you doubt youself.
In summary: Covert vulnerable narcissistic behavior patterns include: 1. Failure to take personal responsibility for their actiions. 2. A pattern of lying which includes gross exagerations; lies of ommision etc.in order to 'achieve' (see #1.) 3. Unable to show real empathy beyond only just showing sympathy in order to 'achieve' (See #1. and #4.) 4. Often reacting in dramatic ways instead of responding well during diaagreement and/or during a misundertanding. Misunderstandings including normal minor ones that they are keeping a running list record of just in case they want to use one of them against us later while they are playing the victim to 'achieve' (see #1). 5. Seldom apologizes and when they do it sounds double minded in order to 'achieve' (see #1.) 6. They play the martyr. When playing the martry they end up beieving the lie about how perfect in character they are while they no longer needing anyone to help them with blind spots. 7. Often trying to heap shame on others by laying guilt trips (When applying their double standards concerning the behavior of whomever they are scapegoating at the time in order to 'achieve' (See #1.) 8. Unable to show real empathy beyond only just showing sympathy in order to 'achieve' (See #1. and #4. and #7.)
@francesbernard2445 Thank you so much for doing this breakdown. I listened twice because I was busy while listening and missed parts. This helped.
Spot on brah
The good old guilt tripping trick... I fell for that one way too many times.
What's so scary is that for the longest time in my 25 year marriage, my ex framed and scapegoated me as the covert narc, and I believed it at times. Because at times, I would cry at the realization that no one believed me, I felt delusional. When I would speak the actual truth, 1 of my adult kids would say she's being dramatic.
Deep down, I knew it wasn't true, and spent so many years avoiding conflict by people-pleasing and walking on eggshells. While he was able to manipulate everyone into blaming me for everything. I lost my identity and sense of purpose as every waking hour was spent in service of him, proving, supporting, and pleading on how I am a good person.
The days that went well, I had the courage to bring up the past on how his actions affected me, then all Hell would break loose. And he'd say my feelings and thoughts weren't real and that I was playing the victim.
But I realized that He was truly the permanent victim, always repeating how no one cares about him, no one supports him or his dreams, etc. Everyone in his life (especially me) has done him wrong. He honestly seemed to believe it. Even though I was the only one working and taking care of literally everything the past 11-12 years, so that he could focus on building businesses.
Well, he even blamed his unhappiness on me even when I really was happy with him (including his flaws). Until I did come to a point, where I had to see there won't be any positive change. As I grew closer to the Most High, I started getting my confidence back. I put healthy boundaries in place to heal, and as a result, He rushed and pushed me into divorcing him as quickly as possible.
After the divorce was finalized, he thought I'd stay as the live-in girlfriend who continues to pay all of his credit cards, car insurance, mortgage, utilities etc until his income becomes stable? What? He's angry that the manipulation is slipping away.
The time has come to keep putting God first, love myself and leave. I'm okay with being alone and healing properly! HalleluYAH!
@@mrs.messenger GET OUT & LIVE!!!!!🙏❤️
It’s so bizarre. They will say anything, do anything, pretend love, to avoid one simple change in behaviour.
So truthful 💯
@@GodsgiftDiamondBWhat oliviamiller says reminds me of churchie people with their masks
Reading the comments is a big part of healing ^^ 🦋
Yes. Every comment helps heal my heart. I realize we all suffered and deserve to find peace.
Points that must be highlighted:-
1. You will end up dead if you will be in their company for long. Same thing happened in my family more than once.
2. Leaving is the only option. I have left and trying to keep contact minimum. It is very difficult because of the extreme guilt they and relatives causes you. I am trying the same. Please pray for me. God give me strength.
3. You will become unlively. Your self love will reduce day by day. You will end up being an addict, lethargic piece of s**t. Guilt and confusion will eat you.
Is that what's happening to me? I feel like a hollow shell of my former self. 😢 I don't know how to get out
My ex wife tried to do this to my children and myself.
My daughter has escaped her orbit, thank the Almighty.
My job in life is to be able to remove my sons from her influence when they become of legal age.
Literally it is the only thing that keeps me alive from day to day. I hope that there is enough of me left to live after this happens, I am not even a shadow of my former self.
I have experienced this aswell. And I can confirm, you will end up lethargic, stressed out, sleeping horribly and paralyzed especially after their violent outbursts.
Exactly you nailed it
"You will end up dead" this resonates with me. My ex divorced me and began dating people I worked and played music with and soon every one of them she was with died. I didn't die and I feel that is because I was honest with her and with myself, never allowing her to get deeply into my psyche which she said I was "emotionally unavailable and didn't have her back (flying monkey)" as her reason for divorcing me. Then she said I was the one who wanted the divorce.
My mother is a very highly respected nurse practitioner who would stand with her hand on her heart supporting the Mandela Effect rather than admit she ever beat me up or insulted me for fun..
I hope you don't mind me sharing. I had a covert narcissist friend, who I grew up with. I have many fun memories with her, but there was always this other side. She was moody and never really satisfied in life. She is also quite traumatized by her mother. I started to feel psychologically very unsafe in her presence. She would bring me down with unkind comments. This person knew everything about me and weaponized it against me. Was also very two faced. Nice in the faces of people, but would say mean things behind their backs. The last day I saw her she hit me for the first time. That was the final straw for me. Have never heard again from her since, and all her loved ones stopped taking to me too. I can only imagine what she has told them about me. It's so difficult because I had to be assertive, but almost feel like I was wrong for doing something healthy, keeping boundaries. After a whole year of silent treatment she wanted to get back in touch as if nothing ever happened. I have no interest to reconnect with someone that knows right from wrong and chooses to hurt me regardless and refuses to address the issue. She not seem to want to acknowledge that trust has been broken. Danish this was just a close person in my life but I can not imagine having a parent with such a difficult personality 😞 it's pure emotional neglect. I wish you all the best and I really think your videos are good! ❤
My soon to be ex wife is a covert vulnerable narcissist or a Dark Triad.
They lie so much they can't keep their facts straight all you gotta do is just keep calling them on until they get upset.
Then once they lose control you will see them cycle through their personalities within a half an hour, anger being the last one.
Yes! My brother is one of these narcissists. I grew up always feeling pity for him. Sometimes I still feel that automatic response when I have to see him, which is maybe once every 4 or 5 years. I never felt responsible for his “pain,” but I always felt that I needed to protect him or carry some of it for him. When I finally realized as an adult in my 30’s that he was actually manipulating me into feeling pity for him so he could get supply from me I was completely done. When I pointed out to him that he does it “on purpose,” he just said, “you’ve changed”. 🙄
He was right and now my life is so much better without him in it.
Sadly I now work with a vulnerable covert narcissist who reminds me of him on a daily basis. 🙄
They exploit your emotions for THEM but have none for YOU!
It's all trickery/ witchcraft
Bless you, you got away from him & see him for what he truly is! I'm so proud of you for living your life now❤️
My burning question is recently ; *WHY* do I attract these kind of people??? Is it the curse of being an Empath, that we just notice these abusive behaviors that most others miss?
@@ZRanchLady I believe that this question is the beginning of no longer attracting them. ❤️ We have healing to do and that healing helps us to stop seeing the narcissist as someone to feel sorry for. I’ve seen it work. My narcissist co-manager has completely stopped trying to bait me for supply because he knows that there’s no longer supply to be had here.
I love Danish for comforting healing, but if you aren’t familiar with Tammy M Joyce, check her out too. She has been so helpful in strengthening my resolve and learning how to shut these people down.
@@ZRanchLady They perceive your empathy and know how to exploit it so that they can feed on it and benefit from it. They are emotional parasites.
I learned all these in my late 40’s . Wish I would have known 20 years back.
I am teaching my children this so they can defend themselves.
our older generation died in pain without knowing who hurt them or who manipulated them. thinking they are the problem
I'm 45 and I'm finally putting the pieces together now, better late than never!
I am learning now and i am older than you . Please , study well and use that knowledge . You will need it .
@@bratbalal9042
Not everyone in the older generation are the problem . We are also responsible .
Coverts are the devil incarnate in my honest opinion. And thank you for this video
someday everyone else will follow this line of thinking. just like in psychiatry, they themselves know there are demons and yet introduce drugs when a spiritual exorcism would be more in line with what is needed. there are only two sides. there are only graduations in the sliding scale. evil vs. God.
Agreed 👍-pure concentrated evil. & machiavelian.
Im sure I’ve seen them on reality tv lmao
The one I was with was into the dark arts. I think she put spells on me that I still need deliverence from. They are human, but they allow themselves to be vessels for the demonic entities to take chosen ones away from God.
Not so much a devil I see my ex as a succubus- a female demon who sucks the life from all men she entangles with her lies and manipulations.
My mother is also a covert vulnerable narcissistic and I can 100% relate to you. I can see the evil spirit in my mother & how is potray herself like an innocent creature ever been on this planet & this had been confusing me since my childhood. I have been blaming myself for her sufferings all my life. And you are 1000% correct that they eat you slowly every day every sec. Right now I am in a process of breaking the trauma bond with her.
Same. Thank God for UA-cam, seems like they are ubiquitous.😮 Jesus Christ saved me from this demon!🙏❤️✝️
Same. I just had my last outburst on her this week, bringing up a lot of horrible things she did and said to me that she still denies. The closest I ever came to an apology was the good ol' "I'm sorry you feel that way" bs. I feel bad that I want to cut ties with her right now because her health is very bad and she probably doesn't have much time left but I feel like I won't have much time left if I stay connected to her poison. Good luck to you! 🙏
Thank you for talking about this! I have experienced everything you discussed in your video from the male and female narcissists in my life. My aunt is a raging covert narcissist who told me that I'm a bad mother and no man will want me because I'm too old (I was 35 years old at the time) . When I confronted her about how hurtful what she said was, she burst into tears and denied ever saying that even though there were 3 adults (my father who is a covert narcissist was one of the adults present) who heard her. He did nothing. He didn't defend me he just raged at me. It didn't make any sense. Now that I understand the disorder, their behavior is textbook.
My separated husband. The switch on switch off empathy was the worst. He could be so caring, even sobbing with me to get his way. Terrible. The worst is the careless way he treats our 5year old and that he has visitation rights.
Bug her bag/items you send so you can get proof of any abuse. Also you’ll be able to hear what he is saying to the child. Once you get that you can get him away forever.
I grew up with a covert narcissistic mom and dad, and they are they most draining people on Earth!! No accountability whatsoever, they're always the victim. It's even worse when both parents are narcissists, because they encourage each other's victim mentalities. I thought I was starting to get through to my mom about how they've been financially irresponsible. Then she had to talk to my dad, and all progress went out the window 🙄 Now they're ganging up on me, calling me ungrateful, and saying how dare I, the child (I'm 34 btw) tell them what to do with their money? SMH
I'm 33 going through same stuff. They are worse when they are educated and doing formidable job in the soceity. I have called them out that they npd they got no shame. Worst ppl to live with.
I went through the same things , these are serpants that just poison and walk away.
@@user-uq6ic8pw8x oh I know all about that… my mom has a PhD lol and she seems to think she’s above anyone else who doesn’t have one!
Thank you Danish for exposing this evil mindset called narcissistic
I had a very violent mother who is a malignant narcissist.. everything is still dangerous with them in every way. A covert narcissist's abuse, I witnessed to last year, living with them for 7 months... Danish is on point about the extreme vulnerable behavior, holding one in disdain, crying like a baby over little things "I" did to hurt them so badly, when all I did was disagree! When I moved out of that house..my mind was so fogged, I had no energy, I felt terrible about myself as a person, I was so skinny and suffered from insomnia from stress. My hair was falling out, my menstrual cycle was extremely irregular, plus the pain I felt in my body was the most terrifying of the whole experience. That mental abuse had added on to 30 years of abuse by my malignant mother. Covert is quietly done, the stabbing feeling you sense mentally is REAL. The nightmares I had living in that house were the most terrifying horror I have had since my childhood. "Covertly" cutting you open slowly over and over. No wounds and yet, mentally I was bleeding out and feeling like it was all my fault. Malignant isn't quiet, it's violent at all levels, I have scars, the bone on my left left is slightly deformed today because of her kicking me with steel toe boots. I have the physical proof of malignant abuse. Covert is something I had no clue about and fell hard for because of the "kind, gentle and loving" facade in the beginning..then the inner viper came out but it was too late, I was trapped mentally. One day I'll write a book about my journey home, which is being healed. I kept journaling throughout my entire experience, from childhood to my 30s today. It's sick stuff though.
Good for you for coming through. I know what it’s like to live with one of these monsters. They will drain you and hurt you until their last breath. ❤
I had the same kind of violent , narcissistic mother. When I lived in her house, I was so anxious I was tutored my last year of school. She would go off on anything like if I didn't wash the dishes right. These were the kind of rages that weren't appropriate for small things. She managed to cover it up with her helpless victim persona. It is a lifelong struggle to be a healthy person and stay out of the chaos and darkness a narcissist lived in but so worth it.
I have been married to a covert vulnerable narcissist for 40 years. It is as you have described. Your videos are very helpful. Thank-you.
You can’t find a way out! I’d go to a homeless shelter if I didn’t have 2 special needs kids. Why stay?
30 for me ❤
Stay strong fellas❤
Why are you still married to these monsters?
@@silviasirbu1863
You are so correct. 39 years and 5 months, she and I are finally heading towards divorce. It has been a painful journey. It started on our wedding night when she started drinking vodka, tequila, rum, etc. With her friends. Then, I thought she passed outas we were arriving to the hotel. Carried her up to the hotel suite, put her in the bed, removed her shoes and covered her with a blanket, then went into the living room of the suite and watched cable television for most of the night. That was the start of her devaluation phase for me. Years later during a fight, she let it slip out that she was just pretending to be passed out because she did not want to have sex (her words). Not make love, but have sex because she was mad at my parents for not coming to the reception. I was the youngest child with quite an age gap between my siblings and while my parents did not approve of the marriage, they also had health issues and there for went home after the wedding photos. Years later, she stated it was because of my oldest sister not coming to the reception; she was also having female health issues and could barely stand or walk at the time. More time pasted and it was because she didn't like the expression on my parents faces. Then it changed to she thought I had given her an STD a few days before when we had sex; a condition that she was never treated for and something that I knew I didn't have either as she thought that I would have no medical proof since it was 40 years ago, plus she was the only one that I had ever slept with. When I brought up the fact that we left the very next day to go to Tennessee where I was stationed in the Marine Corps, had never left each other's site and that the Marines had sent me all of my records, including medical, she quickly changed her story to say that my parents ruined the wedding by speaking up during the ceremony, also a fact that could be verified by attendees that were there and are still alive. As the years have passed, her false accusations about other things get continually worse and also change each time she says them to the point that they are harder to even recognize as the same accusation/event. I am to the point of sheer exhaustion from her lies, projections, gaslighting, manipulation; the list goes on and on. At the time I was a dumb, naive 19 year, not think with the correct head during all of her love and sex bombing. I was stupid and thought that things would change, that I could somehow make her happy; however as each year has past she has only gotten worse and more demanding. I started to finally wake up a few years ago when I changed jobs which required a fair amount of travel to other countries. My coworkers would often bring their wifes and since we were always in foriegn countries, we would all hang out in a group for breakfast, lunch, dinner, tours and site seeing. I started to notice the dynamics of their marriages and interactions with each other were vastly different from that and my wife and started to question things. That was obviously the wrong move on my part. My wife would complain about how I was getting to see the world, but she would never come with me on any of the work trips. She always had an excuse to not go, now I think I know why as it would have been very telling. Also, during couples therapy a couple of years ago, she tried to convince me that her and the therapist had decided that I was a covert narcissist. She quit going to therapy as she kept complaining that the therapist was taking my side. On the last day that I seen the therapist, my wife was not there and called in to inform the therapist that she would no longer be coming to therapy. After hanging up, the therapist said to me that she thought I should find a way to distance myself from my wife and file for divorce.
I am seeing a male therapist on my own now, and while he has never directly said it, he sure does ask a lot of questions about my thoughts about divorce and has me go home and think and write a lot of lists about the pros and cons of staying together and pros and cons of devorcing my wife.
Humm...
At this point, I have finally gotten the hint after my wife's recent games and rage event.
Sorry for the long winded story, I tried to keep it short and actually left out a lot of the crazy making that my wife has done over the 39+ years.
Now I just feel lost, confused, naive, stupid and like a huge idiot for trying to make things work, for trying to make her happy. Now I old and used up. I'm exhausted and I feel like my life is basically over, but maybe I can at least have a couple of years with some peace, calm, quiet and sanity.
In short, we are dealing with psychopaths/ sociopaths/borderline personality disorder or maybe we dont have the correct name for it yet! I am reminded of a strange animal in the book "Gullivers Travels" called the push me-pull you. You just described both my parents. I once described them to my therapist as a beautiful reptile sleeping in the sun which unprovoked for no reason would race across the room and strike. We do have a word for people who enjoy inflicting pain on others for their own pleasure...Sadists!
Maybe we need a new bigger descriptive word bcs narc is not nearly big enough. I personally am convinced there is a sexual component in their pleasure at hurting others. Danish, you are such a brave man to share what we are afraid to say.❤️
Machiavellian sadistic psychopaths.
I have dared to say it but nobody can believe it and in the end, I'm the one who looks crazy and poisoning.
I too have said this, narcissism, psychopaths and sociopaths...........all demonically influenced. period. there are only two sides in life. we are all guilty of being on the sliding scale if we lie, cheat or point fingers (not taking responsibility) for what we do, etc. but some keep going, instead of repenting, backing up and trying to do right in life, they just keep going and it does get worse, there are no rights any more, just their ego controlling everything and "winning" at all costs. only two sides, people. God and that other side, which is satanic. period, end of story.
I’m afraid you are right. I dated a covert narcissist that had ASPD. Also look up dual mothership and oneupmanship and also schadenfreude that has a lot to do with sadism and spineless sadist. It’s all so crazy and unbelievable. These are the wolves in sheep’s clothings. And their claims of depression, that is just smoke and mirrors. Deep down when they are by themselves and they know and think about the things they do to people they feel like a piece of garage. This is why they need constant distractions. I always like him becuz if he wasn’t busy in school he was independent. Far from the truth. I know exactly what he was doing. With either cash he stole out of my wallet or out of his grandmother’s purse🫤
I too suspect their is a $€ xual component in the sadism (As in, hurting others gives them that type of pleasure).
That’s how we get couples like Bernardo/Homolka ,Myra Himdley and her male predator partner.
They are called Cluster B personality disorders and they all overlap. A basket of misery to others! My own mother is narcissistic. She likes to say, "Don't you love your poor old mother?" She's very healthy and manipulative, not a poor old thing.
It took me 55 years to realize my Mother was a covert vulnerable narcissist
Same here, it took me 53 years to realise my dad was a narcissist and to top it up I discovered a few months ago my partner of 11 years has used and abused my good nature and finances. I now have to find the way to leave with nothing but a beautiful 10 year old boy and a faithful dog that knew who he was before us. Blessings and best wishes to you x
Same here
Same here…took me 59 years…(my Mother) that helps us understand why we attract them like magnets in our life…❤
Took me 42. She had me fooled, and I'm still fighting the guilt trip brainwashing, especially since she's in bad health now
53. I now have a relationship with my father for the first time in my life.
Having parents like that didn’t make you nasty. Too many excuses are made for narcissists because they had a toxic parent and they are wounded souls. You are proof that they turn nasty out of bitterness and they have a choice!
I agree with this. I grew up surrounded by them and still came out a kind empath. There's no excuse. It's all about them. Guilt tries to get me but then I think about myself and thats a big fat NO. I did not turn out like that, so why did they??? because they're only in it for themselves. PERIOD
My dad's parents were sweet, loving, perceptive, open-minded people who loved having and raising their big family. It's how so many narcs on the paternal side of the family learned to mask so devastatingly well.
My dad and his siblings not only had this great example from their parents, they were also taken to church and Sunday school with great regularity ( they were Catholic. It was considered some sort of huge sin to miss unless you were sick or something). As a result, they heard that Gospel. They know about the will of God. Despite all of this, my dad and at least two of his sibs are two-faced, hypocritical, malignantly destructive and rotten to the core.
The flip side is also true. My sibling ended up as a horribly destructive malignant narcissist just like Daddy while I did not. My sib also married one. And, the "friends" that my sibling and their spouse value the most are the ones who are the most evil. And, the more a person is good at heart, the more they will trash that person.
I know people can be damaged to the point of being toxic and can struggle to treat themselves and others well. But, there is a world of difference between that and an evil person. With an evil person, you can tell that the goal is to hurt you as an end unto itself. And, there is no sincere remorse. There is an ongoing pattern of not just causing you pain and frustration, but of pillaging all of your internal resources. There is a pattern of luring you in to trust them and tearing you apart once you do.
I had difficulty understanding the Bible for years. But, once I understood the real nature of the enemies of God ( not the one the hypocrites like to sell), it started snapping into place. It's the malignant narcs that are on the opposite side of the war of the universe from me.
I also read somewhere that even a high functioning sociopath can logically conclude that life is better if they do what's right. It's just immensely harder for them.
Moral bankruptcy is a choice. It's definitely a choice.
Exactly. My Mom was all Light , my father is darkness. I chose to be like my Mom, my sister chose to be her father.
This video makes me want to cry. I can relate so much. I recently learned during a therapy session that my ex of 6 years was likely a covert narcissist. I was suffering in silence for so long and had no idea why. The love bombings, the fake crying, the lying, the guilting. I thought he just had a bad memory because he seemed to remember doing or saying nothing. The mind games are horrible. We broke up in November and I’m still so blocked mentally. I still find myself questioning reality. I hate that people so easily prey on the vulnerable. My question for you was if they are aware of what they are doing and you answered it for me. Even more saddening. I’m happy I stumbled across this video. I’m sorry for the hurt your mother caused you but I’m glad you see through it all now and can heal yourself and others. Thank you so much for sharing!!!
I had a Situation like this with my father that abused and tortured me, my grandmother told me i dont realize reality because my father is so nice to me, so i starting questioning my reality long time.
The fake crying....yes, I'm seeing that narcissists have learned to cry on demand. They do the fake crying. Well, everything about them is fake.
Can totally relate, also from a parent..treading on eggshells, never knowing which side you're going to get, then getting called crazy for telling truths...,becomes emotionally draining. Utterly exhausting.
Danish, thank you for sharing your story and for using your pain to bring healing to those of us who are still figuring out what the heck is happening or what has happened to us.
My narcissists are my husband who is like your father, and my deceased mother-in-law who sounds just like your mother. I had a storybook childhood and never knew people could be mean and manipulative like them, and I believed everything they said and did to me. They brought me to my knees and made me feel like I was literally losing my mind. They were so cruel. It was like he was married to his parents and I was an enemy that they were trying to take down. And they were successful. They broke my spirit and I limped through what should have been the best years of my life.
I am 63 and back when I was raising my four kids ten hours away from my family/support system, I didn’t have the resources and information that is available now that would have helped me figure out that I was a victim of abuse. It’s people like you who are helping me and others untangle exactly what the heck was/is going on. I really thought I was the problem.
Thx for helping us understand people with evil souls.
It took me forty years to break with my covert narcissistic mother. Zero contact is the only way.
Your observations are so spot on and helpful. Thank you.
This was what stole so many years of my life, health, money, spiritual assurance, so much- he believed he was a victim & preyed upon all sympathies , i was an empath & almost destroyed me. Everyone abandoned us & believed him , magnifying the abuse. They are cowards bcs tho he would use divorce to threaten me so often , and cold hearted abuse, he would never do it they are lazy and non active they drive you to action then blame you play the victim. He stole my church family and they think he is the victim but he almost destroyed us , i did leave everything just to save us. These ppl are almost soul less and never stop lying .
Your kindness and clarity bring me so much relief. I recently hit an emotional bottom with my mother who is exactly all these things. The fear of abandonment, sense of obligation, and GUILT have run me my whole life and I cannot tolerate this pain and confusion any more. Im seeking therapy and went low contact. The veil of deceit was pierced by her recent vile behavior and your videos, esp this one, has absolutely shredded it. Thank you for your light, your strength, your truth❤
❤️❤️❤️
My father is a raging covert narc. The most evil thing I've ever seen. I now know why your videos and insta posts feel so relatable to me. I'm sorry you had to go through such trauma, and are even now doing so, because I know the trauma never ends, no matter how far you are from the narc now. I wish you all the best and thank you for being such a huge support to many of us who have gone through and are going through the same kind of nightmare everyday.
My mom died when I was 4, and I was brought up by my covert narc father and my overt narc aunt. I was the scapegoat child. My life has been a nightmare. It took me nearly 30 years to come to terms with the fact that I was being abused (and had been all of my life since I was a toddler) and groomed by my family since I was a baby, and the recovery process has been excruciating. My father is all of those things that you mentioned in this video, and more. Much, much more. I've secretly started consulting a therapist (because if my father gets any hint of this, he'll make my life even more hell than he already has) and I've been diagnosed with cPTSD and OCD. I don't feel human anymore, and I know that's the result of being controlled like a puppet all of my life by my inhuman father and aunt. It's especially hard considering I live in a very conservative community that has zero knowledge of human psychology and zero empathy for people suffering from severe psychological ailments. I've been called a liar, a bad daughter, an ingrate, an abuser, a "pagal", and everything in between and my father and aunt have been called utter angels on earth, just because I dared to speak the truth. Eventually, I stopped speaking.
Something that covert narcs do to you is distort your sense of reality. They mess with your head so much that you don't know what's real anymore, and you're stuck in a constant, perpetual state of hypervigilance and anxiety, reduced to a shell of a human being. There was at time when I was a robot. I didn't know what was real and what was a lie. I just accepted that everything my dad said was a lie, but I had to pretend it wasn't to be spared from his wrath and resulting tantrums. I lived my life mechanically, just doing the bare minimum to exist. That's all I did. Exist. I would just sit in my room, still and straight, vacantly staring at the wall until my dad or aunt would call me with some demand to be fulfilled, which I would fulfill and then come back to my room and sit like that waiting for the next demand. They had successfully turned me into their personal robot. I wasn't human anymore.
Dazai Osamu is one of my favourite authors, and his book, "No Longer Human" is one of my favourite books because it's one of the most relatable things I've ever read. But I love his "Setting Sun" more because it's more relatable to me. In this book, the protagonist's mom is presented as this angel-on-earth type woman, who is perpetually a victim, and her daughter (the protagonist) spends half of the book catering to her while ignoring her own mental and physical health and needs and her own life, just like I have done my entire life. For me, the mother is a very apt characterisation of a covert narc. She is a wolf in sheep's clothing. But here is the most interesting part... In all critical and literary analyses that I've read of the book, the mom is ALWAYS seen as what she herself poses as: a sacrificing angel of a human who can do no wrong and who is a great victim of every circumstance ever. People see the character as "an example of a member of a downfallen nobility after WWII", but to me, that's not it. That's not what she is. The person who actually suffers the consequences of both the personal and social situation is *the daughter* and not the mother. The mother, the covert narc, has successfully done what all covert narcs are so good at doing: fooled an entire population of the readers of this book into thinking she was the victim all along, and that _she_ is the greatest thing to exist since sliced bread. That's one of the reasons I love this book so much. It's one of the most realistic descriptions of a covert narc. To normal people who have never encountered such a person, she's what she's pretending to be, and the only people who will read the book with the "covert narc" interpretation are the ones who do know what the reality is. Dazai's own life was very similar to mine, especially his childhood, and his depictions of narcissism in his books is just *chef's kiss*. In fact, he wrote a short story about a narc when he was 16. And that's one of the best depictions of narcissism I've ever read. If you haven't, I really recommend reading his works. But sorry about the tangent.
I also wanted to add a sixth trait of covert narcissists that make them so dangerous, and that is their hidden sadism. They're extremely sadistic, but they won't show their sadism outright, like they do everything else. They're evil, but they're also covert. Unless you've been a victim yourself, you don't see the sadism even if they're being sadistic right in front of you. They're all predators. You know how a cheetah hunts a gazelle? The cheetah will hide behind a bush or tall grass and will sit there, crouched down, for hours, watching the gazelle. Out of the entire herd of gazelles, they select the one that they feel is the weakest and would be the slowest, and therefore, the easiest to catch. Then they just wait. They don't pounce rightaway. They wait as long as they have to, to make sure that the gazelle is completely unaware of it and unsuspecting of any attack. Once the gazelle is completely calm and unaware, the crouching cheetah then reveals itself and hunts it. This is what covert narcs do. They select a victim who is empathetic and "easy to mould" and then they spend years grooming them. Once the grooming is complete and the victim is completely under the narc's control, they pounce. And since they warp their victim's sense of reality and ability to trust their own feelings, experiences and judgement, the victim themselves don't realise they're being manipulated and abused. And that's the reason I ignored all of the red flags. I ignored everything I saw and felt, because I was brainwashed to feel like it was all my imagination because I was an ungrateful child. But it's true that I did see and feel those things. Just like you say in your video. And it's one of these things that I want to talk about, and this has got to do with the covert narc's sadism.
I've seen a kind of smile on my dad's and aunt's faces since I was a child, that made me very uncomfortable and afraid. It's the Narcissistic smile. I'd love it if you could make a video about that. It's such an evil, sadistic smile, full of malignancy and hate. And they always smile like that when they feel like they've "won" over me by making my life hell. For example, I was once suffering from an acute gastric problem, for which I was taking a medicine that made me go to the bathroom very frequently. My aunt deliberately "bathed" for two hours that day, so that I couldn't go to the bathroom. In the end, I was delirious in excruciating pain and banging on the bathroom door, crying. After two hours of so, my aunt emerged from the bathroom, with the most sadistic smile I've ever seen. Like she was telling me, "see? I control your life. Know your place, peasant." She deliberately kept the bathroom locked for two hours knowing that I was sick and would need to use it, and gained sadistic pleasure out of my suffering. That smile looked like she had "won the battle between her and me", whatever "the battle" was in her sick mind that day, and that she was showing me my place, at her feet. I've seen that smile on her and my dad many times throughout my life. But no one else has. They reveal their sadism only to me, knowing that no one else would believe me even if I told the truth. I've seen my dad act covertly sadistic with others too, but he never smiles then. He never reveals his actual glee at the other person's suffering at his hands. In fact, he acts like he's extremely concerned about them and sorry for their suffering, and if he's the one who caused that suffering, then he pretends to be innocent and then accuses the victim of framing him, thereby becoming the victim himself. No matter what, in which reality and on what planet, a covert narc is ALWAYS A VICTIM. That's their only identity. But my aunt, who is an overt narcissist, is different. She doesn't hide her sadism. She's not even aware of her sadism being exposed. She smiles like that in front of other people too. She doesn't know she's a narc. But my father does. And that's one of the things that make covert narcs so dangerous. Even though they pretend not to know, they're actually self-aware. They know what they are. They might not know the name of it, or what it means from a psychological pov, but they know what kind of people they are, and that what they do is actually evil. *They know.* And they hide it. Expertly. No Oscar is enough for a covert narc. They're the greatest actors on Earth. And the reason they're so dangerous is because they're hiding in plain sight. They're covert.
Sorry about this looooong rant. You probably won't read this, but thanks again 💚
This is wonderfully written and I know the smile. My covert mother has it. She doesn’t show it to anybody else but me . She knows that at a certain young age I was fully on to her evil ways.
You are also correct that nobody will believe you or see it. I’ve always seen straight through her and she knows it. Yes, the damage was done, but I knew there was a lot wrong with this lady.
Your message has helped me. xo
Thank you so much for sharing & recommending the books. I wish you great healing and that you may one day experience all the love that you deserve. You are so worthy and so loved by the Creator of the entire Universe. ❤❤❤
Conservative truly for liberty, a lib follower is the much more serious threat, btw.
Culture plays a large effect. You can t leave easily. Keep that in mind. I just speak as a Christian, freedom is possible by my Lord, the real one. G luck.
My mother was a loved by everyone. She made every person feel like the most important person in the room. And she hated my guts. She slandered me to everyone in our town. My own relatives would cross the street to avoid me. Noone would ever have believed what she put me through. I had to leave our town
When your own mother doesnt love you it is very hard to find love in the world. I will never know why these are the cards life dealt me. But at least now we have knowledge of narcissistic abuse. Knowing that when i was young would have made all the difference in the world. At least i understand it now.
My covert narc (poor excuse for a mother) has told me repeatedly through the years, that I ruined her body. Gee, I don't remember asking to be born!
She couldn't love you/hated you not because of you but because of what she hated/couldn't love about herself that she connected with you in her mind. I hope you find healing and find love in your own heart. You are important and lovable, please take care of you! Much love and kind regards from another human 🤗
If we were asked to create a character that personified evil, we could never conceive of the characteristics that make up these vulnerable covert narcs. My sister destroyed her own cousin party where some of us while playing a fun game (as she was giving a tour of her house for the 100th time) were explosively interrupted by her shouting "games are stupid; just talk to each other like ur supposed to," Everybody was so stunned but said nothing. A few months later, i called her out on her bullying, gaslighting and visceral screaming jags on so many issues and cut off the relationship-- and happily for 5 years now. You can't give in to these psychopaths! You must stand ur ground, become a Sigma female or male. Many thanks for this difficult and important discussion, Danish! Nobody deserves the sadistic treatment they so dismissively and consciously dish out to innocent victims! 😮❤
Wow! Sounds like your cousin really could not stand other people's happiness. Good for you for cutting off ties with her. She would of brought you down. Cousin or no cousin it's not worth jeopardizing your well-being.
@@francalatona591 Thank you. It was my SISTER; She made the party for all the cousins.
I was in a relationship with this type of narcissist, who was aware of these behaviors and would label me with them when I was legitimately confused and trying to have a conversation. I would know exactly what I said or did and would know when he changed details to fit his narrative, but when trying to defend myself I would be accused of doing exactly what he was doing.
OMG.. me too😢
There’s a part of me still fighting denial… it can’t be true but the word-for-word things he’s said to me that every other narc says .. it’s eerie… 💔
I had the same experiences! It made me think I was the one with a mental illnesses (borderline personality disorder, OCD, hypocondria, ADHD, etc.). The denial and confusion is so poisonous. I have been writing every detail down and read it when I think I'm the problem. I've also shared my experience with close people to help make sure I have more confidence I'm seeing things clearly. It's taking a while but it's rare when I doubt myself now. You can fight those doubts and trust yourself again!
Bashir, I could sense your sadness and pain during this video. How monstrous these people are.
Alternate reality every single day. No well-adjusted person can live around this. You are so strong, Danish! 💪💪
Yes, I experienced this in my childhood. I've been surrounded by Narcissists. It is very difficult for a Mother to leave an abusive relationship, though, so I can understand that argument. I remember being out of my mind with rage when my Mother acted like I was the wrong doer. My Mother used to go and mope in her bed in that way. She also expected attention all the time and if we did anything wrong with her breakfast tray, that is what she would focus on, not the gesture. Unfortunately, I had worse with my Eldest Sister, and it seems I've met it throughout my life, in work situations, and leisure. Not sure why I attract Narcissists, but I do.
I am so so sorry that you even went through this growing up.
My previous coworkers were the same as well. They always appeared in the cover of "concern", but in actions took me down. They smeared me and slandered me socially, professionally, legally, personally and virtually. Literally everything negative one can imagine was all done, but in the cover of "benefitting me, helping me, in my concern" .
The funniest part is, socially and legally all of this was accepted and people took part in their game. This makes the previous coworkers less evil than the people and society who accepted this behavior of their' . Because if there were no performers, there would have been no performance.
This is absolutely my mother. She used every single tactic on my sister and I growing up and into my 30s until I finally realized she was a narcissist and all my failed relationships were narcissists. Horrific trauma which gave me CPTSD and a myriad of emotional which turned into physical illnesses.
Damn same thing brother every relationship I look back now is 42 years old with failed marriages and now having to go through a no contact with my mother, realizing the boundaries is not in her vocabulary neither is validation any sort of emotional regulation or intelligence, but I can tell you right now every relationship I’ve ever been in has ended the same and played out the same part of due to my own car and weakness being abuse my own mother of myself, they set us up man, and it starts with our mothers caretakers, but usually half full narcissists are women and mothers and how many people realize that and the damage is lifelong I don’t even know what true in real love is I don’t know if I’ve ever seen it and been turned off by it thinking it was wrong and not what I had learned what love was growing up it was overreaching it was boundary crossing. It was extremely extremely unhealthy type of love that I grew up to be normal now realize how toxic it was so I don’t know if I’ve ever ran into the real person that could change my life. It’s only to walk away, thinking or not being attracted to, but only being attracted to the type of personality that well as my mother who took care of me and reminded me of my childhood, and in the end became such a trauma bonding abusive situation that I don’t think I’ll ever recognize love and that’s really hard for me except not a true romantic, hopeless, romantic.
I think that if I’ve ever to see somebody that it was meant to actually be a lifelong mutually respectable relationship, I would be turned off to discuss it or we would not get along our personalities wouldn’t conflict even though I’m aware of what has happened that I’m just trying to heal and change right now but I’m afraid that I don’t have any sort of attract ability as far as that goes so that sucks. I feel ya.
@@simeondsharp3569 they sure did a number on us didn't they? I hope you have found a way to start healing. Don't sell yourself short. You can heal and have a healthy, happy relationship with someone. I found a great therapist that specialized in complex trauma/narc abuse along with some good books about complex trauma. I'm happy to say that next month I'll celebrate 10 years of marriage and 2 kids with my husband (I'm a woman btw). He has absolutely supported and encouraged me in the healing process. It can happen for you as well.
My dad, big-time big-time big-time and my mom and the neighbor a big time big time, and then more narcissist in my life after that, but I did not know any of these people were narcissists until just the September 4. I knew there was dysfunction and everything for so many many years, but I had no idea the definition to narcissist was more than just someone who was considering themselves by their actions like looking in a mirror or talking about how awesome they are. Now, in my life, it explains so so so much. When my dad would get mad, sometimes, my mom would then just side and join him.
Oh my gosh. This is my ex. I tried to explain to a few close people how he would take whatever had actually happened in whatever situation and rewrite it into anything that made me sound like an awful, abusive liar. People didn’t really believe me until they became part of the stories. Now he is trying to have me charged with his attempted murder. These people are insanely dangerous.
My sister is a covert and she told me she is an empath. She told me she knows how others are feeling. She does not use that knowledge for good though but instead to manipulate and lie. She gathers info from everyone and is constantly telling people what others said or how they feel. She has told me things about others and has told people around me things about others. She constantly lies. One week she will tell me one thing and next week on the exact same discussion she will tell me the opposite. I think she gathers info, tries to find out how others tick and tries to be the go between with interpersonal issues of people. She tries to be all things to all people while making sure she has the latest Info and the edge. I have no words for what she has become. I’m sure she will only up her game.
This is my sister!! She's been diagnosed with BPD and is a covert narcissist playing empath and healer! This is a whole new breed of "healer" covert narcissists!
Narcissism is the virus plaguing our planet!!
Lord, help us all 🙏
Sounds like my mother and ex husband. It’s fun for them, and they’re ALWAYS talking. The constant talking is how they get all this done.
That's a good observation- a new breed of narcs playing empath and healer. I've got one of those in my family. Your sister - sounds like you should go no contact.
@@mtc-j9i ALWAYS talking!! 24/7
NEVER listening
@@sandrathomas2893 Actually they are empathic (as in they can sense readily someone's feelings & psyche), but the are NOT empathetic! They were first abused and/or neglected, and so had this extra fast ability as a survival skill. Is crazy dad or loving dad (or mom) coming at me, they learned quickly to sum up the room. But they were too damaged........
I just received my brothers ashes. When my brother killed himself my mother wouldn’t let me come to his service. I might be a victim too. She kept his ashes in a shoebox in her closest. My mother died November 2022. My ex coerced her to change her will. My cousin, who is the trustee, withheld all important family objects. She’s held them charging my inheritance to withhold these items. I literally just got the ashes. I fell to pieces. Even more I am soooo angry. How can there be such cruelty? I feel bombarded by ex narcissist, my mom narcissist and the constant flying monkeys. I try to keep going.
Thank you
my brother (the golden one who was/is aggressive and mean) and my niece (raised by my narc mother) both stole the family inheritance, he stepped in and controlled everything while reaping $$$$ but behind his back my niece had already taken my mother (who by this time had dementia and was frail) pressured her into signing a new will at a notary and then cashed out millions and left the country. yep, both "golden children aka arrogant thieves" - same as what my mother did to her siblings, my mother did this to obtain her wealth as well, so she taught them well. the rest of us (8 others) were in the will but none of us got anything due to their theft...............and they are hiding out but we are not going to chase them. let the devil take his due...........
Get a lawyer
my niece left the country and my brother (both "golden" children of the narc) was a cop so no touching them - but karma will be waiting for them, as with all of us. I will wait on God instead. peace.....@@louisemorgan3237
Thank you thank you thank you Danish. I was close to suicide but after seeing many of your knowledgeable videos I have found my fighting spirit back and will to survive. I had hit rock bottom with the abuse and being the scapegoat but thanks to your videos I have learnt it's NOT my fault and that I have been abused and betrayed in the worst way. I now know it was not my fault and that has given me my desire to live back and stand up for myself and what's right.
Thank you so so so much Danish. ❤
Many of us have been in your shoes. You are a strong and stable survivor just like Danish!
@@catalinafirefly4685 Thank you for believing in me ❤️
Hey just here to tell you that you are the most brave soul whose strength no one can estimate. Those around you don't deserve you a bit. You have a lot to live for and you will find people who will be grateful to God to have met you. Sending hugs. We are all in this fight together ❤️
@@rizf800 Thank you. That is so nice to hear. 🙏🤗❣️
My only way to combat that suicidal nag is to tell the TRUTH. They lie, but we can tell the truth. And try truth is they want to destroy you. Then, everyone would have to feel bad for them all over again and give them attention. That’s who we are dealing with. I saw my mom do this with my brother. She neglected him through cancer, then, when he died she enjoyed all the funeral attention.
“i’m sorry your feelings were hurt” is one of their favorite “apologies” to use.
Or how about, I’m sorry you feel that way. Never validating your feelings.
I can relate to everything you’ve said Danish. Life with covert vulnerable and covert alfa narcissists feels like living in a horror movie. There’s nothing you can do about it but leave. We can only control what we can control which is ourselves. Covert narcisists will torment you to death. We have to walk away and stay away from those evil creatures who operate in human bodies.
I met a few vulnerable covert narcissists in my grad program and they really were the worst. At first, they seemed really nice and friendly (but in hindsight, almost too good to be true). Then, they started crossing boundaries...like acting helpless and needy, so that you actually spend time and effort helping them, when they can do these things on their own. And after they get what they want from you, they discard and backstab you. For instance, one of them asked for advice on which courses to take...and then later told the professors what I said. Another one got help from me on the project we were working on together...he was praised by the professor for his work and tried to prevent me from sharing my work (this was a remote meeting on Zoom and he needed to stop sharing his screen, otherwise I can't share my screen). When I asked the professor if I could work by myself on a different project, the narc acted like he was the victim...and unfortunately, the professor sided with him and told the other professors, ultimately ruining my reputation in the program.
Ew why does this seem like a common Occurrence for grad school..... exact same for me with my disgusting TA in my grad program. He literally was the ~uwu, poor me~ kind of dude who would do things for students to establish himself as the "cool and helpful" TA that everyone loves. He then slowly and implicitly kept pushing himself on me, asking for my # etc and always framed it like it was for discussion / academic enrichment (there were some subjects I was super interested in and he'd recommend books, sources etc). Then, he'd up the ante and try to make moves on me without even telling me (all of a sudden out of nowhere, he'd offer me his jacket etc). Then when I finally noticed (bc he was so damn covert lmao) and pointed out that I have a BF but it's my private life and I didn't know I needed to let my male TA in on that information, he acted disgusted and appalled lmaoo. Like how dare I not know he was trying to violate title IX and reveal info about my personal life? Then when I ofc would not do anything with him, he slept with another girl during the quarter and made moves on several others as we neared the end of it. He would then FUNNEL THIS INFO TO ME (!!) as if I had anything to do with it, so now it would somehow be my burden to carry, like I was complicit somehow. Had I tried to point it out or say anything I am 100% certain I would have been framed as an aggressor because I'm much more direct than he is and he already established relationships where he made himself a "nice and sweet guy" to others. I am certain very few people would believe me in such a context. Cue himself peppering me with woe is me texts, I'm so emotionally vulnerable, omg why won't this student I violated title IX with engage with me in ways I want, etc.
I wish I had known it wasn't commonplace for students to take TAs contact info,, this dude would literally go out with a group in the cohort and were so casual. So, from that I assumed that since grad students and TAs are closer in age/status (literally I also had professors asking me to always call them by their first names) that this might be more of a commonplace thing in grad school. Phew... little did I know. These types are honestly so pathetic and it's even worse when it's packaged into a male assistant trying to neg you into doing "favors" for them. These leeches are by far the worst... lesson(s) learned.
Malignant narcissists lie with the truth: they will use truth in such a twisted way it is a lie that deceives.
My ex-husband , I was with him for 26 years... I had 33 sessions of counselling until 2019 - it helped enormously...
In one counciling section in mutual divorce i got really destroyed and cried alot.i understand your pain.Dont be sad .They don't deserve us...live a peaceful life 💕
We don’t go through this. We learn to live despite it.
I know who you are. Your ex-husband is a very good man but you are the evil one
In that case, why doesn't Jesus stop them? How will trusting in Jesus stop the abuse? I'm genuinely interested.
there were so much information on the Internet about narcissism…… My divorce was in 2002 and there was nothing… There has been a lot of change and there needs to be lots and lots more… I wish you good luck and strength as I do to anyone who has suffered narcissistic abuse and is working to heal themselves
These kind of people make me sink. Dated one for 2 months and when I saw a woman leave his apartment one day, I asked him "did you sleep with her?" His response "I won't say I haven't" ..then told me to "get off my high horse". 1 year later after it was over that day, he begged me to move to Montreal with him and he said he had changed and would be faithful. I felt that gross feeling again in my gut and knew it was another fat lie. Didn’t go and 6 years later met a wonderfully kind and sensitive man and going strong for now 25 years! There are good people out there.
my mother was/is the same. After 15 yrs abuse incl beatings food deprivation gaslighting, I finally fought back then she called social services & feigned a breakdown, feigned Parkinson’s & gave my father an ultimatum “either he leaves or I leave” at which point I was placed in care, years later she said “haven’t you moved on yet, I was abused …” no remorse / accountability, now the whole enabling family are dead to me
This episode is very special in many ways.The chosen topic is really crucial to make others understand.But you have made it comprehensible with your wonderful skills of simple presentation. This is your biggest asset. Showing intense knowledge of topics doesn't work.Making others to understand complex things in a smooth way is the real intelligence I can deeply relate with each of your words 🙏
My mother through and through, always accusing me of attacking her when I was only trying to get some resolution, I wasted so much time and energy trying to get her to act like a human being. Epic FAIL!
Yes. When I tried to resolve things with my nex, he said I was attacking him. You are the first I've seen make this observation which matches my experience.
You just described my ex husband soooooooooo accurately! The pathological lying, the fake empathy, the insanely high level of victimhood, the invisible knife wounds, denying anger but always angry, heaping on the guilt, playing on my empathy, and almost driving me to kill myself. Other people are still falling for it, but I see clearly now.
It makes them look bad when they can't control you any more. So, that need for it, craving ultimate control, if you let them, they will figuratively bash your brain in to get it. Some of them will do that literally. I wanted to understand, why my own family would scapegoat, invalidate & discard me. All those years I've made excuses for them. Now I know why, awareness has made it impossible to further excuse any of it. Breaking, or attempting to break the cycle so many times, it's broken for good now. I can't believe I'm saying this, I'm glad that I was scapegoated, used, abused, discarded. I haven't lost my family, they've not been my family since the first time I stood up for myself age 13. I've lost an unbearable burden, I've lost the millstone, finally, from around my neck. I'd rather be me, than any of those wretched sorry excuses for human beings. Thank you, Danish, for baring your soul in order that we may make, something resembling sense, of this utter madness. One:LOVE.
Thank you. You are SO Right. 55years of marrage all you say is the life i am still living. Great to hear what you say.
This set off a staggering number of bad memories. Even if you remember them saying something… What day was it? What time? Do you remember exactly word for word what was said? What was the context? Who else was in the room? Was the statement made because of something they said? Let’s say you can clear these hurdles… well.. it’s unbelievable YOU went to that extent. It’s because YOU are always trying to start something. YOU are an unforgiving bitter soul who holds grudges. YOU are unloving and always trying to bring him down just like everyone else. YOU never stand up for him. He is all alone with no one to rely on. Meanwhile you’re paying for their entire existence.
Omg, i see myself here! "I am always bringing up the past", the "past" => something that happened yesterday.
@@tesla4473 You spend so much time trying to prove things: your love, your trustworthiness, your point, your value.... I want to stop going between extremes like trying to never think about that time and remembering it to justify myself to myself.
I hope by "yesterday" you were remembering the PAST and that past isn't current for you.
Dated a woman last summer that was definitely covert narc. Just getting to know her, I would say something about my preference about something totally innocuous. She would get offended to the point I could not continue the conversation until I APOLOGIZED for HER inability to emotionally handle the fact that someone else has a different opinion that her. She also got offended when I didn't ASSUME that she already knew something, or had been somewhere, when the conversation had never happened before. Like, how tf can I know that she had already been someplace on the plenty that not many other people had been? And why would anyone get offended by Me mentioning I liked that place, and the reasons why I did? It was insanity. After 2-3 months she had picked apart my career, family, place I lived (one of the top 10 places to live in American)... where I had considered moving to before coming here, literally every single thing about Me she had attacked passive-aggressively. A day or two after learning that thing about Me. It's like dating a demon possessed 3 year old. Yuk!
We Warriors of Light can handle them 💪🏼
Whew! Powerful words. I am living with one now. My husband of 16 years. He drove me to alcoholism, but i quit drinking over 6 months ago, and started therapy at the same time. I have a plan of action to leave, especially realizing his part in my almost total downfall. I am putting my life back together and that scares him to death. We all must stay strong, support each other. And most importantly, know we ARE good people, not who they want us to think we are. Thank you❤
Wow, I totally get this, I’ve been with him since I was 16 I’m now 51, I have a plan too, he controlled be financially, emotionally, spiritually everything really, both my parents died when I was 30 so that didn’t help matters, he’s getting worse. I have a well paying job money goes into a different bank account. They actually drive you to drink. Yes we need to have a clear head. ✨💫
Danish, thank you so much. Yes it’s very true to even recognise this kinda abuse is difficult. I have many solid examples for every points.
I too realised about my narc mother just a year ago, I was 30yrs. And really hurts to know that one person who thought loved me never had the motherly affection or care it was just a play. Idk how to explain the hurt, now that I remember each and every incident it’s even more tedious.
It was all about her even now. I tried to reason with her cause my inner child never wanted to let go of this trauma bond, no matter how much I explained my hurt it was only about her she could talk.
My narc son is a covert, i found him out, caught him character circumsizing his brother, than found out he accused me of taking side against him which made him wild, he now hates me and my wife wishing we were dead, these evil spirits have to be isolated for the well been of normal people, continuous exploitation can lead to disastrous consequences for normal souls, to keep away from them is a start of well been for decent health sake ❤
Thank you for the video I found out my mother is a covert narcissist only after her death till her death she traumatized me to the core. She behaved like a martyr her whole life like her parents didn’t care and husband is alcoholic abuser and her actual problems started when she was pregnant with me and I have brought all the bad luck in her life and she literally said this to me. I was depressed all my life trying into impress her with both me and my brother she played games and separated us completely that we don’t care each other. Not even a day would end without she bringing up the topic of how she sacrificed her life for us and left her husband and actually in truth she had a affair with a man my fathers friend when he was working in different country and one night I literally caught them and I was shocked to the core I was just 10 years and from then I saw her real face and she got to know that I knew about the affair and started abusing me and infront of others she would insult me and always I am the most arrogant one and she was such and angel doing beautiful things for me even though I am a devil. After this when my father came back I wanted to become close to him and my mother gaslighted my father and he would beat me she left my brother not caring about him and he became very stubborn and didn’t study and would fight with me she filled my brothers heart with jealousy and when father wasn’t at home she would gaslight us talking how my father is a failure and she was the one supporting our family and then one day my father also has a doubt that my mother had a affair with his friend and then in an argument she shouted it infront of others and that day she left the home with me and left my brother there in complete confidence that I won’t open my mother and after going to my maternal parents she did all drama and accusing everyone that her life was hell because of them and asked for divorce my grandmother is a big narcissist and she knew what her daughter was doing and she did not support this drama and finally she didn’t take divorce but she wanted my father to come for us and create fights and drama and torture her parents and even they were fed up from all this and told her to go from her and all my life and studies were disturbed every time with horrible dramas running away from places and finally after slowly everything became normal and my father left hope on us and my brother also slowly started to realize and began working and I started working and then the topic of my marriage started and she would blame me for everything why was I like the way I am low esteem low confidence not social and she blamed me that no one would be interested to marry me and tortured me horribly I had an argument with her and burst out and then she cried that day and then went to my brother and told everything bad about me and he started shouting at me I wanted to run away that time but to scared to do it and finally she died and only after that my grandparents and my aunt my mother’s sister who is a narcissist herself tried all the games and I was really strong at that time not letting anyone control me and slowly I got married after sometime now I am living away from them but I just can’t go no contact even when I limit the contact they call me and trigger me with their words I am doing mediation now to come out of my depression even my in-laws side everyone is a narcissist and he to suffered a lot and still in control of my in laws but he understands me and takes care of me and slowly I am trying to come out of my trauma and depression.
No contact with multiple “family members” has brought me some semblance of peace. I still have som battle wounds that are slowly healing. Peace to everyone 🙏🏾
Yes covert narcs are the most deadly I’m still here for some reason I didn’t think I was going to make it for years I’m surprised I’m still here
It's not too late, start dreaming of a new you ,you are full of courage.❤
Same here. I always knew they would kill me if they felt like it.
Dude, you can do it. Start watching how disgusting he is.
I’m in the middle of it but just 2 days ago I finally know. I don’t think he has any redeeming qualities, he’s a fake.
Start testing him by changing your face and emotions in conversation. Watch how much he mirrors you, always gauging where you’re at. Well actually, there’s so many stages.
But kick his ass out to start
Nothing will happen until that happens.
You will literally fall out of love with him if you string it along right. Feels like a process and every day I change.
It’s crazy
And so effing sad, I’ve shared myself with this person who’s had zero respect for me all along.
It’s a charade. They’re just better at it sometimes bc of you, they’ll have surface like for you, but they don’t actually give a shi about you.
Your kids know, let them lead.
You’ll win
Also, he’s cheating on you. I never thought it, 23 years. Than one day, it all just starting falling into place. It’s insane. You actually lived all these moments so once your perception changes, it’s mind bending.
If you girls want to survive, to gain back some weight and recognize the person in the mirror, kick this off, and don’t stop until it’s done.
You don’t love him, he’s never treated you well and you know it.
Once you see, you won’t care anymore. Cling to the babies, they know, and you’re their mama.
They act with dissonance. It’s a coverts favorite behavior. A sly cold shoulder toward you, they say, aww here you go again. The covert doesn’t like that you notice. It’s a springboard for more drama. They then project. It becomes a weird game of ping pong. You just have to end the game . Yes and the other behavior that pops up is how we are supposed to be mind readers. We should always know what to do, we for some reason should know everything they need to, their schedule, and what their next plan is. But yet they don’t know anything about us, the empaths. They pretend that we keep secrets and that we don’t disclose any of our plans , schedules or anything. But yet we are supposed to have crystal ball powers and know everything about them . And then , here’s the kicker if we don’t remember stuff , they get stressed and blame us for their stress and get mad at us for not remembering how important their work is or their schedule. What crock of poo
My brother, someone who never really commits to a situation and life itself, like all narcs, and someone who never reveals himself, because "himself" is not there... Someone who on top of that always predicts his own fail... he can indeed not be beat. A covert narcissist that is "successful" will make sure, that soon enough he will fall and fail again. He can not bear the responsibility of winning. He must fall back into the adopted role of victim hood, that he switches so quickly to abuser who victimizes those, stupid enough to care for him...
I also feel one very typical ingredient oft coverts is the co-dependent nature. In this example of "mother child" relationship, it shows brutally: The mother uses the dependency of the child and actually abuses this "power" to camouflage the fact, that the truly dependent, needy and abusive person is herself....
So Covert narcissists are deeply needy and dependent, but constantly try to violently shift that perspective of them being co-dependents to the opposite view: This person is dependent of me. This person depends on my grandiosity, that I have lost, cause I am such a victim. But if that person shows me, and believes me, I can almost feel, as if.. I am alive... something like that....
And my friend, I agree with you on this: I think coverts are more aware than most grandiose narcissists. They are secretly proud to be evil. To be bad. To be sadistic. But when you mortify them , by making it public, that is when suddenly they are not so proud and sadistically smiling anymore. That's when they retreat into victim hood.
Danish,
yes. The skill and “mastery” of the Covert’s ability to present with empathy, is astounding.
You are a miracle gift to us, Danish, conveying in such exquisite detail, the hidden agenda of the Covert.
It’s amazing, that all these accountable stories is making me say “holy s**” numerous times how relatable these patterns are..
My last ex was one and I have dated more than one. The s*** storm of abuse I experienced with him over a 7 month relationship I am still recovering from getting on for 2 years later. They are monsters
Plus the snap rage attacks. My mom use to beat me till I blacked out.. this was before three... (we moved when I was three and she couldn't hit us like she use to)
She never got caught.. as this is adult and battery along with years of snap rage that would end in countless hours of beatings and punishments..
Hours I spent locked in my room.. because she got some reason hated me...
I really wish I had evidence so I could take her to court now that they brought back the chair for pedos. She used my sister to catch a pedo... one she knew about since she was a child. She used my sister to catch a grown man... my sister wasn't even two..... and the way she treated me.. it's disgusting.
Hello from another one of your siblings from a different country!
To me the key difference between "being a liar" and "pathological lying" is that the first ones do it for profit and the second ones do it even when it's against their best interests; they do not even comprehend the truth.
"You were born to take care of me". BTW, if anybody reading this hasn't, read or watch "Like Water for Chocolate", but trigger warnings galore. Both my progrenitrix and the one in that book have that mindset: "you're the child that I've decided will spend her whole life caring for me, therefore you're not allowed to have any kind of life of your own".
This is what I went through and I can't describe it the way you do. I'm an adult and they drain me to the point I have no idea how to escape. I don't know how to avoid all my family which is what I should do. People think I have the best family and I'm so tired
Yes, I was with a dangerous covert vulnerable narcissist who hid everything and presented himself as a honorable awesome caring person. He was living a whole other life, and he totally fooled us all
I literally said exactly what you said. He is super manipulative covert narc and I acoid them. They told a flat lie about me as a parent and 20 minutes gaslighted me and played victim.
When I did walk away, I got an "apology" to tempt me into letting them back in. By "apology" I mean I got a sorry minus all the indications of taking responsibility for their part, and then blame shifting - all said with a resentful tone.
I once told him that ever since we have been together, every morning when I wake up, I pray and ask God to please not let him get angry today. "Please don't let him get angry with someone else and then start in on me. Please bless us with a good day, no drama". ...I was giving him a hint that i should not have to pray so hard just to have one good day with no anger. He didn't get it. Because he was the source of all the drama the whole time. I fought so hard, over 10 years, just to have good days without drama. Now that I'm away, I wake up afraid that I'm in trouble.😢 Its just my family here and its just peaceful. Its very hard to shake off. I sometimes feel it when my nephew speakes loudly at the dog... my immediate feeling is...fear!!! It's only been 6 months now that I'm away. He has all my belongings but i can't care. I have my life. I have faith that time will heal. Prayers up to all who are currently suffering this abuse🌹. Thank you for this information because it puts everything into perspective. Its just weird that you have told me everything about him from MY own perspective, when i thought I was all alone. Blessed 🐝 🙏🙏🙏❤️❤️❤️
Danish, my narcissistic family has caused me serious heart problems manifesting from my late 20’s. I am now 50 and have had 4 open heart surgeries (valve repairs/replacements) plus lung, brain and spinal surgeries all within the span of 15 years. I now live with artificial heart valves, heart failure, lung failure. I am convinced living within this dysfunction & abuse caused it. I can possibly articulate how they have mistreated me, especially after my health deteriorated. Ie. they left me 7 hrs away in a Detroit hospital in cardiac ICU less than 12 hours after having my 4th high risk open heart surgery surgery to go home cuz they were bored despite my having rent an apartment for them for the first 2-3 days. I had no one there to advocate for me. They don’t understand what they did wrong. The invalidation over the years has been the worst. They treat me like I only have an ingrown toenail. Just cruel all under the guise of people thinking they are great parents.
Thank you for sharing and explaining this topic so clearly. It's appreciated. I was lucky to receive a wake up call when I was 13 years old from a trusted adult. I was told the harshest truths straight out "Your mother doesn't love you. She cannot love you, she is toxic." It took me many years into my early 20's before I left my entire family behind and it all started with the actual truth. 20 years later my mother found me to say she's going to pass. Nothing had changed, it was worse for all of them and all I said was. "Yeah, I'm glad I got out" then ended the conversation for the very last time. Be strong and know your worth. Get out fully if you can. The most important thing that I held in my heart while breaking free was the facts as I saw them. "You love her because she's your mother, but you do not have to like her as a person, you wouldn't choose her as a trusted friend"
Narcissism is probably the most misunderstood psychological behaviour. I would be surprised if anyone that has made a video or written a paper about this subject that I’ve ever seen is not actually a narcissist themselves. I’m sure not all are aware of this but it is more likely they’re aware than the people they label are. I’ve watched and read a lot of theories on narcissistic behaviours and narcissistic personality disorders none of them have ever mentioned that a significant percentage of narcissistic behaviour is not intentional nor are the narcissists themselves aware they’re doing anything that is considered manipulative or narcissistic. They always ignore the reality that many narcissists are also victims, just as much as the people that are the subjects of their behaviour. Also in my experience many people labeled as narcissists are labelled as such by someone who is actually aware they themselves are narcissistic and use the label as a way of deflecting the truth of their own narcissistic behaviour. I would argue that more often than not defending against the negative effects of a relationship with a narcissist cause the true victim to be the one labeled as the narcissist and any action or behaviour they take simply reinforces the argument that they’re narcissistic.
Every person who isn’t a psychopath, feel no empathy or guilt, is to some degree a narcissist. Basically unless you hate yourself completely all your life you are at some level narcissistic which is not inherently a negative thing. Only those that intentionally manipulate and degrade others in order to make themselves look and feel superior are actually doing anything wrong. The rest of narcissistic people are just normal people that don’t hate themselves.
My mother was also a covert narc who has intentionally and functionally ruined my emotional regulation . The constant lying , raging , triangulation and projecting were daily behaviour . I went NO CONTACT when I was 26 . Mercifully for me she died when I was 32 . My husband has some CNarc traits but I had not knowingly been in the presence of a full blown CNarc until we moved next door to one a couple of years ago . There's already been all this drama after having spoken to her half a dozen times . At least I can draw on my past experience to avoid contact with her - I know she won't stop bad mouthing me around the street but I'm not partaking in this behaviour so she's on her own in her drama .
So, what is a Mother that ignored you your entire young life, and exiles you, more than once, and, in the end, purposely puts you 48 000 in debt? What is THAT?
She also gave EVERYTHING to my eldest brother.
I worked slavishly my entire life.Well and truly toiled.I thought that would give me worth.Not so.
This kind of narcissistic parents saddles the children with a range of jobs to do for them - this one makes them feels big and strong, this one makes them feel successful, this one makes them feel less bad about themselves, this one makes them look like a victim to the outside world; the list of jobs is endless! Resign. Resign, resign. Namaste!
There is a older woman like that at my job.....i put her in her place and now she wont come near, around or in my space. She fears me because i know what she will do before she does it.
@Danish Bashir Did you have experience dating narcissists? Beside your mother, have you had other vulnerable covert narcissists in your life?
My mother was vulveravle co ert,and husband was aggressive covert and father open aggressive narcissist. As as only child I fought it forever. I don't know how I survived and overcame it. Something inside me drove me to something higherr. However their negligence an abandonment gave me self-space to create an alternate self and world that they hated. But It t ook forever to break the trauma bonds.....horrible. t fight has served my psyche, soul and mind....I am the greater person after decades of education and therapy. They all wanted to destroy parts of me. I am hoping that straightening the archetype is the purpose of life! Thank you. 18:36
Thank you. Great video. Fits my scenario perfectly. The relationship will end.
I have been married 60 yrs of one of these types and he is getting worse each year. I recently found out that my spouse has been poisoning me for over 20 years to keep me very unwell and docile. Drs have never found the cause of my illnesses and I feel thought that I was just seeking attention. My holistic Dr is the one who has done many tests has got my health back on track.
Ooooh, THANK You, Danish!🙏🙏🙏 So IMPORTANT topic that we should scream. And so PRECISE introduction. (after watching just the introduction)
I grew up in this kind of family.
It took me decades to start figuring out that something was not quite right.
Their cruelty was so intolerable that I wish my mother gave me up and left at some orphanage.
I really want to stop existing.
She literally drinks my life out.
She would rather see me dead than accept what she was and still is doing.
Guilt, pity, shame have always been following me on daily basis.
I am grateful for this video.
It might have just saved my life, as I got to the end of my tether.
So sorry about your experience. My Mom is a covert narcisist. She is impossível. Nowadays I can see her real face.
My mother apparently had no remanace of what she was doing but her hatred was clear on her face
I’m coparenting with a covert narc and it’s killing me. Covert narc mother so I’ve had to deal with a lifetime of abuse & trauma.
Thank you for validating my experience. Felt like I was going crazy. This abuse is so subtle its like boiling frogs in a pan. Turning up the heat a tiny bit at a time. Dont feel it until its far too late. Feeling so hurt and betrayed but I know I will heal.
Thank you again! You are doing so much to help us all better understand the fundamentals of narcissistic personality disorders, and the difference between them.
❤
That's exactly right and it's devastating. Then they use triangulation to get a gang of people against you too. It's a miserable situation. Thank you Danish! Your work here is so helpful and I'm grateful!
This is remarkably accurate. I am so proud to say that I finally broke the ultimate tie it can be comparable to playing pool with the 8 ball 🎱. I finally overcame the narc of all narcs in my life. She spent decades gaslighting and manipulating with her sadist mentality always centered around death and suppose she suddenly dies. Now I welcome this notion. Now I don’t care. And that was the nail in the coffin. The apathy. I felt the trauma bond finally break and now I’m free
Danish, thank you. My mother is 93 in a nursing home, failing physically and mentally, and she still uses these tactics. Since she is failing, at times, I don't know which is the narcissist part and which is the failing part. At 1:45 "holding a covert narcissist accountable" (major statement). At 2:24 "they will revise history" (another major statement). At 5:33 "they can't speak the truth". At 10:50 you mention "they want to keep you subservient". At 11:38 "you feel hypervigilant" (every time I see her). At 12:56 Hidden Habit #4 (I almost jumped out of my chair; and she is good at it). Sadly, I do not think I will mourn her death. btw, I moved 400 miles away (and maintained a physical distance throughout my life) when I turned 18 but I still talked to her on the phone and I went home for holidays (I'm in my 60s). No doubt some of your personal life led you to your professional life - and we are all better for your counsel. I agreed with so many of the other comments.