Frustrated with your sexless marriage? A Urologist explains what to do about it
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- Опубліковано 28 чер 2024
- Is Sexless Marriage for real?! Is your relationship over when you don't meet the “right” or “healthy” amount of sex that every couple needs to be having?
This might be a trivial issue for partners, but not having enough sex can impose a threat to your relationship.
Know how to deal with it so make sure to watch this video til the end.
Thanks for watching!!
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00:00 Intro
00:07 Sexless Marriage: What can you do about it?
00:15 Definition of Sexless Marriage
01:38 Why are people having sexless marriages?
02:52 2 Different Types of Desire in Relationships
06:41 How can you repair sexless marriage?
09:04 Take Care of Yourself Merch
09:10 Conclusion
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Rena Malik, MD is a urologist and pelvic surgeon on UA-cam to educate people about all things urology including erectile dysfunction, how to increase testosterone, problems with sex, premature ejaculation, urinary leakage, or incontinence, overactive bladder, urinary tract infections, prostate issues and more.
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▶️DISCLAIMER: This video is purely educational and does not constitute medical advice. The content of this video is my personal opinion and not that of my employer(s). Use of this information is at your own risk. Rena Malik, M.D. will not assume any liability for any direct or indirect losses or damages that may result from the use of the information contained in this video including but not limited to economic loss, injury, illness, or death.
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Intimacy is the only thing that separates a relationship from a friendship.
Yup. At that point, you are roommates. Gay guys found a glitch in the system 😂 jk, they’re unhappy too 😂
Agree
nah u forgot sharing bills and roof etc
@@chinmeyswaythat might be right plus so many other positive aspects of the spouse……that you might not find elsewhere!
The real issue is not so much lack of sex; it is lack of affection. Does anyone really want sex with your partner when it is a chore for them, i.e., they throw you a bone now and then to shut you up. The presence of rejection is far worse than the absence of affection. It is better to be alone by yourself, than to be alone with another.
Yep I agree, sex is terrible if your the only one into it. So ya I agree, no point
True
When you live with the person then, if you have no affection? Isn't this a form of cheating? Wasting your partners time?
@@tracywynn173abuse, not cheating. Most of the time it's about control and most women use the threat of divorce and taking 50% as leverage for a man to accept the situation.
I would have never gotten marriage if I knew this or would have had her sign an iron clad prenup.
Exactly. It goes hand in hand. I find a spouse can make them selves prickly like a cactus. They harass and nag so much you don't want any physical contact.
It never gets better. It stays the same or gets worse.
When you think about it, a married person’s spouse is their only sexual outlet. It’s very cruel for a spouse to withhold sex from their partner. The terms need to be agreed upon BEFORE the marriage. It’s so selfish to withhold sex and demand faithfulness.
@@TomJJ37 get out of there. You only have one life!
All of you couldn't have said it better. I am really fighting the urge but idk if I'm winning
@@TomJJ37 it doesn't take much strength Tom, just find yourself a place to live and go. The ranting and raving will stop. If you stay the loneliness and frustration will go on forever
@Aj Kino I've given a lot of thought about that vow as well. Maybe it's rationalization, but I think that it's a vow to confront the worse times together. If Tom's wife ignores his needs and expectations to that extent, they're together only in terms of proximity, not in terms of emotional connection or anything else a couple needs to confront bad times together.
that's an absolute fact.....not feeling wanted is worse than not having sex...
40 years of this. Wife always said she would change. Yep, I’m a fool for believing that.
Thanks, I’m just about 6 years into a dry spell and you’re giving me a lot to think about 🤦♂️
EDIT: quickly approaching 7 years 😩
its never to late
4 years for me and no change. Even gave her a ring. If it ever ends I am going to be a different person for sure.
They never change.
It's so annoying. I don't know if its because I'm high functioning autistic, but I spot lies immediately. There's not much I can do about it though. Our marriage was pretty much sexless from the get go. We had very sporadic sex in the first couple years, now none at all for the last 8 years.
I'm 67 and wife is 61. We've been married for 36 years and still have sex twice a week. Make the time to stay connected! Keep your partners needs and happiness before yours. Even if we don't always climax being connected is a great feeling.
Thank you for sharing those intimate details
25% testosterone left...
@@kyoung5600 Gotta squeeze it while you have it buddy
That's beating the average for sure!!👍👍
Please tell me your secrets. How?
I was in a nearly sexless marriage for almost 20 years. Not the only reason for it to end but I definitely wasn't happy. Now I have sex 2-3 times a week, sometimes more. That's amazing in itself. Beyond that I am actually greatly appreciated as a man and husband. It's all around a better marriage than my first.
@freakyp711, I’m in the same boat. Won’t be much longer and I’ll have the chance to find a situation similar to your new relationship.
How did you work that out...
@@OziBlokeTimG divorce
20 years?????? That’s crazyyyyy. So I guess you had to pay for x during those 20 years somewhere else?
@@Tvj_films8452 lol yeah his hand buddy cant carry him for that long
The last time my Wife and I had sex was August 2017. I was 58 yrs old, and she was 55 yrs old. She blames it on coming out of menopause, with no desire whatsoever for sex. But she has wanted sex, less and less since 2014. Extremely frustrating because I'm now approaching 64 yrs old and even though I want sex a few times a week, I continue to go without. It's only a matter of time that my libido will no longer be, and I feel like I've been cheated out of sex for the last 9 years or so.
Damn :( I’m just a 21 year old but hearing about this sounds so sad. Obviously I can’t relate entirely, but I’ve personally gone a year without sex (for my own reasons) and it’s already really starting to get to me. I really feel for you sir
@@johns.3933 Sad.
it is not to late bob, kick her to the curb .there is someone out there for you
My wife didn't believe in sex before marriage. After marriage she powered through it a couple times and decided she just didn't believe in sex. I'm 40 now and been sexless for 8 years, and before that we were still clinically sexless.
Save yourself…get a mistress! 💯
Let me make this very clear... vast majority of these cases involve the wife that no longer wants sex, often past the age of 35...
- the fact is that she simply doesn't want sex with you.
So if you can get out of the relationship without too much damage, especially if you don't have kids, do so. don't waste your life in a marriage that isn't fulfilling.
I will add that talking about it will more than likely make it worse. why? because SHE doesn't want it and talking about it is akin to exposing her. doing that nearly always accelerates issues
perfectly stated.....................
Very wise man
Very good advice ,no reason to talk about it because she is getting her fulfillment with someone else and doesn’t want to discuss anything about it with you ,all your about now is working and bring in the money to pay the bills ,keep things fixed up around the house ,and be there just so she’s not alone ,you know ( something to come home to ) kind of like a pet 🐈🐕 you know a Dog or Cat ! All you are now is two people occupying the same cage. How sad 😢
I can also confirm that talking about this with your wife will make her extremely angry.
indeed, trying to get her to talk about it only makes the matter worse. The anger switch immediately gets flipped and then I'm wondering why I chose to open that can of nasty, again.
I would like to have this conversation with my wife, but she feels very uncomfortable talking about sex even though we’ve been together for 30 years so I never know how to approach it without her becoming defensive and it ending in an argument
i know the feeling, it’s like talking to a brick wall without any compromise. marriage can be total hell in a way
EXACTLY.... and I HAVE had that conversation.... no mis communication there...May 25th will be a YEAR.. No longer able now even if things changed..Not sure I could stand the anguish to split the sheets financially OR emotionally.
Yes, been married to my wife for 36 years and I hesitate to bring it up as well because she just becomes defensive and then we end up not speaking to each other. I can only take comfort in knowing that I'm not alone. I have too much invested financially to want to get a divorce.
@@anthonycarroll518 people are NOT meant to be together forever...your likes and preferences change..I believe it is un natural...it hurts to realize that they no longer find you attractive and lose their love for you,but that's just the way it is...marriages should be a contract which expires like a patent and must be renewed every 10 years... you don't have to have any animosity for each other,just following the law....
@@anthonycarroll518 same boat,too old,tired and financially invested to rock the boat...sucks to not feel wanted anymore...not much to look forward to...
from reading thru the comments this is a way more common problem then most people realize. thank you for talking about it DR Rena.
And it is truly sad to hear all these stories that goes on for decades!!!
Yes. Agree. Lots of these people are not talking.
It is extremely selfish if one person refuses to meet their partners needs. The person not giving sex then doesnt want the person to look outside of the marriage.
I'd be totally up for an open relationship/ marriage
kind of, but you could say the higher sex drive person isn't meeting the other person's needs by needing less. Overall I agree with you to a large extent, but still, always think about both sides of the coin.
Not quite that simple. A lot of grey. No offense James, but you must be single and never married or very atypical to see the world so Disney-like.
@@stevenporter863 hi Steve i have been married for 37 years. A lot of those years without sex
@@stevenporter863 hi Steve try going decades without sex or once in a blue moon in 5 years. When you try to speak about it she just gets angry and cry’s. A long long way from Disneyland.
Married 20 years, no sex the last 15. It's probably the sole reason I drink, cuz it just frustrates me to no end. But a divorce in my state always rules to her favor, and so she'll take everything I've worked for all these years. And she knows it. Thanks for this, Rena.
None in six years
None in 11 years❗️😢
Put everything in a llc
Get a good lawyer and look into "abandonment".
Just remember that you can't take any of your possessions with you when you die. Perhaps trading your life's happiness for possessions isn't worth it? Especially since you currently have those possessions and they aren't making you happy. Now I am not saying that you should end your marriage, but instead, reevaluate what you "think" makes you happy, vs. what "actually" makes you happy. You will need a friend or mentor or heaven forbid a counselor to help you honestly identify the actual barriers to your happiness, and perhaps your wife needs the same. After all those years, there is going to be a lot to work through, but nothing of real value is easy.
I’m 69, been training at gym’s for 44 years. My wife 67, has been training for the last dozen or more years. For us, it’s self esteem and never taking each other for granted. Of course there are issues in 47 years of marriage, but we communicate. That is definitely the key. I think for men we are definitely more visual. She excites me still, and we been married a while. I keep myself in excellent shape for her, because I feel women after so long are not as visual as men. So you make her proud of the way you look and take care of yourself. That works for us.
You’re a gem and might I saw , so is your wife. I think everyone here should pay serious attention to your advice.
@@lindastansfield5866 Thank you so much for your kind reply. Myself, I am second. I put her feelings, and her as a priority. I think being selfish is a downfall in any relationship. It is a problem especially in today’s relationships.
Will going to the gym affect your sexual stamina and ability?
She's 67, and how is she handling post-menopause? My wife is dry, sex is painful, I love her and won't leave her, but there's no sex any more and no real intimacy in our relationship. I don't see many options. I could leave her, but I don't want that. I could cheat on her, but that's just as bad, it'll hurt her so much, that's no good. She's certainly not going to offer to allow me a "side chick", it would become a "divorce with cause", so all options so far end with me hurting her. There are prostitutes but that would end with the destruction of my career, even if it was where prostitution is legal, I would loose my career, and she'd still get hurt, and without the job, she'd still divorce me.
@@murdoko1313I been training at gyms since 1979. It’s just a way of life. Only thing I could advise is that whenever you start, it can’t hurt. For myself, I think training and testosterone go hand in hand. Even if I’m feeling under the weather, I go train and I feel better.
I was told that once I got married, the sex would slow down. It's true. So I didn't get married until I was 36.
A very important topic. There are so many unhappy marriages where the two people simply exist with each other. It's purgatory.
Divorce is the better choice in my opinion.
Sexless marriages are 99.9% of the time due to the wife not wanting sex. In my book that is cheating. And it isn't covert cheating it is in your face, laughing at you, cheating. Divorce is the only answer to this scenario.
Or people can actually look deep inside of themselves to self-improve and repair the marriage
@@J_Dot_S Ideally...
Divorce is so dam expensive for a man. Better off cheating. Cold hearted? Yea, but just a fact.
Cheaper to keep her
My first wife was once every three weeks if i was lucky and a good boy ...She has been replaced best decision i ever made, Don,t waste your life in an unhappy marriage
My wife stopped having sex with me. I just stopped doing things around the house. I even removed her from everything that I possibly could dealing with money.
Don't forget another important reason for a sexless marriage. Your spouse doesn't love you but won't agree to a divorce.
That's where I'm at now brother
@@braddockkidwhat happened?
Funny how when it comes to intimacy if she’s “not in the mood” that’s it end of discussion. Yet if you told her I’m not in the mood to take you out on dates anymore or to pay for everything you’d be “oppressive”
Right, it's pretty damn one sided. They don't seem to realize due to our higher testosterone level's how are sex drives work, but they dismiss all that and assume we can do without sex like they can which isn't the case. Sucks, but it is what it is.
correct ! ONE of you gets to decide that NEITHER of you will have sex.....
correct..............
It's easier to deal with when there's a physical issue, like a disability or some other physical issue happens, or illness, than when there's no physical reason to not be having sex.
Only had sex 11-13 times a year from the start and none this year (10th). Wife said she wanted a kid, but never tried. Finally found out she was lying to her gyno about how often we had sex and blamed me. Now she’s not medically able and depressed about it. I always wanted kids, but was alone and too shy. Met her at age 32 and wanted to start a family. I’ve been miserable even though I love her and wait on her hand and foot. I’d have left years ago if I thought there was even a slight chance of someone else liking me. Watching this video was a desperate hope, but my wife has no interest in talking about my feelings. I spend most of my time wanting to die. Turns out, my father in law has always been in the same boat. I now understand why so many men cheat and can’t think as badly of them as I once had.
Guys, don’t ever get married. It literally is a trap. Your friends aren’t joking when they tell you that.
Did you copy my life. It's incredible that everything you said happened to me. Unbelievable
I'm going thru it and she don't want to bring it up and I don't either but if she don't make a move in the near future I'm gone were not married I'm not being in a relationship with a woman with no sex that's crazy
I'm glad you got the chance to leave this wisdom for others to be inspired by in case anything ever happened to you...
I often crave the release of this fleshly vessel myself...
The lack of sexual intimacy has literally made me see my own ribcage as an objective and blatant physical representation of my heart being behind bars... Feeling so trapped... Literally and symbolically...
The pain is far too real ; we deserve so much better than to settle for this deception and evil... Neglect of body and mind...
There is much more out there for us.. Please don't give up..
"Always take care of yourself because you are worth it!"
Words of wisdom!
Thank you Rena!
And that's all I get to do now.
With my wife it's been hormonal issues and communication problems on both sides. She was afraid to tell me about her loss of libido. We have reconnected and been more open with each other and agreed to look for solutions and no matter what, weather the storm together.
This is a perfect argument for why MEN SHOULD NOT GET MARRIED. No sense in being in a relationship if there isn’t a relationship.
exactly
I think if couples are really in love, there is no problem. Couples that fight a lot, it's much tougher to be intimate.
Spot-on!
If youre not willing to please a partner you should stay single. Period.
@@cleocatra9324 goes without saying !!!!
Dr. Rena Malik, board certified urologist, pelvic surgeon, and now sex psychologist. Strong work doc.
Things I have learned in my own experience:
1) You just *can’t* make someone desire you, regardless of how fit, well groomed, connected or invested you are in the relationship;
2) Sex for many is like cleaning your baseboards-it’s something you know you *should* do, but it is all too easy to just keep kicking the can down the road;
3) It’s time to start collecting stamps.
Agreed on 1) & 2), but didn't get the 3). Please elaborate.
I am not in this situation,but I was in my 22.5 years of being with my ex, but to anyone reading this who may be, don't cheat it will not feel good, just end the relationship if you can without hurting children if possible and move on, most of the time when a woman has made up her mind is for a reason, reversal is not possible, her mind is already made up and is too late. stress or work load, chores etc. are poor excuses, if a person likes sex or you, you guys will be doing the deed 2 to 3 times a week from what understand from some very fortunate people that I have heard their stories, if I have to beg you constantly for sex and you stay saying no, then is time to move on.
Hard to dispute that...We are here for such a short time and you can't change the past,just the future.......even if you have to live in your car....roomates who can't,don't won't sleep with you are are plentiful so you don't have to be alone.....
Not there yet but almost
Reversal is not possible , ic agree!
I tried all sorts of things , getting her to wear sexy lingerie etc using Msters a johnson s sex
therapy ,to no avail she s become old at the age of 60
Good advice for sure,not always possible...............
I would also add that if you had to tap dance and jump through hoops to “get her” chances are she was never really that into you in the first place. She felt that she settled and that you should do all the work (sexually). Once she finds a guy who does turn her on and wants her she’s out!
*My wife was incredibly mad when she found out I have been visiting prostitutes for sex*
I said “Well you can hardly blame me, it’s not like I was getting any from you!”
She yelled, “But I didn’t know you were willing to pay for it!”
Every man pays for it no one rides for FREE
If your married you pay for it, LOL
@@Streaming2021 you never said a truer word.
The exclusivity
Just be open and honest. Give the wife a choice first. Tell her she can be part of the solution or part of the problem. If she chooses the later, then just say - I love you but heading out to solve the problem with support of a professional surrogate.
Talking about it will always lead to huge argument . Trust me , there is no way of brining this up
24 years married, we still make love 2 times a week. Love my marriage, Thank God.
You are very lucky.
After a handful of bad marriage years, my wife and I figured it out. We now schedule sex 2x per week... no matter what. It's been like we are in college again. It made us way happier as a marriage. 20 years now.
@6:48 - and that's the problem. Tried to talk about it with my ex-wife and she would just clam up. I even gave space and said if not now, you pick a time. She never picked a time. I finally stopped bringing it up. The relationship was sexless no matter if I tried or if I stopped, so why make it frustrating.
It's easy to say "talk about it" but that doesn't bring the reluctant, avoidant person to the conversation.
#2 - she wouldn't even schedule the conversation, so obviously #2 wasn't going to happen. She didn't initiate, so any attempts to schedule were just met with silence.
I asked for an hour a day where it was just the two of us. No TV, no kids, no distractions. It didn't have to be sex, but it had to be time together. Again, no-go.
#3 - I gave space and time, returned to some hobbies, invited her to come along. She chose an affair instead of continuing the adventure with me.
Some people are just bad partners.
I'm not saying I was perfect, or that I didn't make mistakes. The difference is, I tried to engage her to find out what she was missing in the relationship. One can only make it safe to talk. One cannot force another to share.
That was 20 years ago this year. Been re-married about 15 years now and it's amazing how much better things are when someone is your partner and willing to work with you instead of keeping her thoughts and feelings a state secret.
Understanding spontaneous and responsive desire saved our marriage. I was convinced my wife no longer found me attractive. After making some adjustments to our communication we have more sex now than ever.
What are those adjustments?
@@balancer182 first was discussing how we were feeling in a completely open and non-judgmental way. How we feel is how we feel. Then we started by scheduling time to be naked together (we have three kids under 5 so finding time was a challenge). It was more than just sex for us. I needed to feel close to her which does include sex, but she needed time to remember how much he enjoys being naked together and also sex. We then committed time together even if we can’t have sex we still lay together talk and tease. I honestly found it insulting that I needed to “schedule” sex with my wife but it wasn’t really that we were scheduling sex, we were committing time just for each other. It took me some time to get over the hurt of constantly asking and being rejected even after we started this process but sticking with it is way better than the alternative. Eventually you feel like kids again and the playfulness returns. SOOO many women have responsive desire. It’s not a problem, it’s just how they are made. Giving her the time where all she needs to think about is us is why scheduling time is so important. For me and most men, I could have sex anytime of the day or night and that’s just how we are made. Identify your feelings first though…if you don’t then the feelings of hurt will crop back up in ugly ways (speaking from experience).
@@creativemaplewoodworks4640 Thank you sir, roughly how long does the flirting stage last before she is in the mood? How many hours do you have to schedule?
@@balancer182 usually it’s pretty organic. We both know why we are there. Sometimes just talking about what excites us about our time together is enough. Sometimes kissing moves things along. The main thing is not to be in a hurry…easy to say but hard to do if you’ve been in a sexless situation for a long time. As far as the amount of time…ours is usually after the kids go to bed, dishes are done, and things feel buttoned up for the night (this really helps her). I spend the whole day in anticipation and send her little texts telling her how much I’m looking forward to seeing her. She didn’t reciprocate at first but now she will send unprompted texts on occasion.
One major thing I want to emphasize is the need to ignore social media like FB and IG because women always look like they are constantly ready to get down. It’s a lie that makes us question our own desirability, quality of relationship, or even faithfulness. Our time together is so much better when I’m not questioning and rather listening, feeling, and experiencing together.
Sorry so wordy…I wish someone had talked to me about this when I was younger and reading through some of the jaded comments reminds me of how hopeless I once felt.
@@creativemaplewoodworks4640 Thank you sir, one day it will help me and anyone reading it.
I ask for duration because if it takes 30 mins for example, then I gotta make sure I schedule it earlier before I get too tired and fall asleep lol.
My wife and I started having this because of ALL OF THESE ISSUES IN OUR 30's , especially on her side. Stress and financial problems were a big factor. We are currently separated.
I'm with you brother, I'm nearly 48, my Mrs is nearly 44, due to stress, working crazy hours, and demanding kids, we haven't had sex for at least 5years, I've put on a shitload of weight, I work shifts, and since I hit early 40's I lost a lot of my drive, this was mainly due to lack of sleep, having only an 18month gap between our boys, and both were breastfed, one up untill he was 4, our eldest had an undiagnosed food allergy, so he was constantly sick in the night, this cycle went on for years, and it's moulded a routine of basically no sex or intimacy which has lasted 5/6 years, we get on ok, and I do love my wife, but our marriage is sexless.
@@tommytaylor4139were the kids conceived via IVF?
@@leedlbagginshield8492 naturally conceived 👍
How noble of you to leave.
What can I do about it? My wife says we can get a divorce. So what I get to do about it is either 1. Move out, get some booty and not see my kid every night or 2. Figure out how to cope in a healthy way so I can tuck my kid in bed every night. I never thought being married to someone who loves me would make me make that choice.
Guy in my office and I were discussing that issue (we're both mid-50's) After almost 30 years, the missus CAN'T not KNOW... the only conclusion to draw is that she doesn't CARE.
My wife came up to me straight faced and said "I just don't feel like having sex anymore" that was 2 years ago. Were both going to be 60 years old this year but it felt like a door slammed into my face, me standing outside in the cold. We still sleep together at night but she curls up in her blankets like a taco facing away from me and I have my own blankets.
Hallpass!!!!
Go to her a tell her your going to continue having sex, just not with her.
Call Girls are the answer I use them I'm happy.
That is cold and evil.
So sorry to hear....your wife just turned into a roommate...
My opinion is this. Despite what the surveys say, if you are not satisfying each sexually, then someone else will. Sex is very important. It's not the only important aspect of a marriage. If you're not satisfying each other often, then someone else will. I learned this the hard way.
Thanks for the video, but I'm even more thankful in reading many of the comments, as I'm finding I'm not alone in a relationship of more than 40 years together. We met when I was 16 and she was 14, and I'm now 59. She's the ONLY partner I've ever had, and we've honestly had less sex in all that time, than most "normal" relationships have in the first couple of years. In all fairness to her, she suffered abuse at the hands of more than one male relative and a boyfriend she had briefly before we met. I thought I knew what I was getting into by the time we got married, and somehow believed it would all be Ok, because I always treated her like a princess and put everything she wanted/needed first. Miraculously, we managed to have enough sex to have two sons within the first few years of our marriage, who are both grown with kids of their own now, but it has literally been more than 10 years now without intercourse, and about 8 years without any sort of intimate contact at all.
We've paid for two or three counselors for her over the years, which helped her on the one hand, to get past and move on from the abuse she suffered, but at the same time it made her comfortable in not having ANY intimate contact, and we are more like cohabitants in our home with separate bedrooms and barely intertwined lives. I still love her, and can't imagine leaving, and as a faithful man, I can't imagine cheating on her despite some temptations over the years. I WISH I could change her, but I've "mostly" accepted that I'm destined to live whatever life I have left with the pleasure of sex, or the comfort of any sort of intimate contact. I refuse to even approach her or talk to her about it anymore, because I don't want her to feel guilty about something she cannot/will not change. I hope for ALL of you out there who are not yet in a committed relationship, that you find the courage, time, and will to have these sorts of important conversations BEFORE you get married and acknowledge if you are willing to accept the risks or feelings that might come about if you find yourself in the same situation.
Praise the Lord Almighty
I completely second you and I am very young.. it’s frustrating and confusing if I should break the marriage for this only reason because other things are fine … but I am also getting frustrated day by day due to this and losing connection of closeness gradually.
@@techshower7520 I'm no therapist or counselor and can only speak from my personal experience and situation, and from that perspective, I have to say you have to find a way in your own mind, heart, and soul, to be OK with things never changing to be the way you want them to be. If you two can't talk it through and work out a common solution that you can both live with, and one of you isn't willing to be the one doing all the giving while the other does all the taking, then you are destined to a very unhappy existence if you stay in that scenario. At my age, and the fact that we have spent 40+ years together, I cannot imagine my life without my wife in it, even though it seems we are barely more than cohabitants in our home. It is easier some days than others, and I often let sadness and despair take over my emotions, but I know I LOVE my wife, even without the sex life that I grew up thinking I would have when we got married.
Personally, I would always recommend for people to work it out, but I also know that sometimes personalities and libidos don't mesh when emotions and hormones are involved, and it is a very personal decision that you both need to agree on, and at the same time realize that may still not work out the way you want... and if you can't be ok with that, then you will have a tough decision to make. I would never advocate for cheating, though maybe an "open relationship" might be an option to consider, which of course comes with its own set of pitfalls. If you are both willing and open to discussing the mismatch, I would say it might at least be worth seeing a counselor or therapist together to see what options/issues you might be able to sort out.
Good Luck either way, and may God Bless you both in whichever direction it goe.
You are a very decent man and I respect you for your dedication. Hoping something changes but if not, you sure did try to do the right thing.
@@lifeonamarble961 Thank you, but at this point, I'm fairly certain it is a safe bet that this is my/our life for whatever time I have left. 🙂
Sex outside of marriage in most cases will be the better option ; even if done so in secrecy, to avoid evoking jealousy, an emotion that is often fatal.
No, be upfront. Just tell her, no sex then you will go out and find it. Nothing personal, it’s just biology.
You’re worth it Dr. Rena!
As a single guy who has never been in a relationship, I couldn't imagine not having sexual thoughts even for a single day.. How couples go for months or years without having intimacy is astounding.
Not really. Not everyone is the same and sex is just not all that important to some. When you're younger, 'nature' is simply driving reproduction. Too many people confuse sex with love. They're not the same. Later in life this isn't necessarily the case because 'nature' doesn't care any more.
@@toby9999 B/S
It's typically not a choice. There can be heavy gender roles for marriage and family duties, with very costly bride prices and where family decides what will be done in coupling. Marriage is just a job description in much of the East (where I was largely raised). Ditto, in the West for average looking guys who play the provider role rather than having the power to set the terms that the rich and handsome can do. Peace.
Most of the time, they're not going without. Somebody else is getting it.
@@robertjaynes9668 ouch.
My wife and I went a very long time without being intimate like so long that I don’t even like saying it out loud. But she was going through some stuff so I supported her through everything and just recently we started being intimate and and it feels like we are dating again. I’ve been getting those intense feelings like I’m falling in love again but it’s weird because I never stopped loving my wife so now I feel like I’m falling in love with someone that I’m already madly in love with. 🤷🏻♂️❤ but I’m not complaining because it’s one of the most beautiful things that’s ever happened to me 🥰
That’s awesome & inspiring. Thanks for sharing.
sad that you wasted all that time though.........
Children, Fatigue, Desire, Make Time Daytime Loving While Kids Are In School, Dates & All Else Fails Communicate! Always Enchanting Dr. Malik; Not To Forget Women Menopause WOWOWOWOWOWOW!
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Thank you for reconnecting behaviors with their sources...interesting and helpful for all...
I'll never live long enough to understand why people choose not to have sex when they CAN. Plenty of time to not have sex while you're alone or when you're too old. Imagine... there's this thing you can do that feels amazing, will make your partner happy, and will strengthen your relationship... but you *choose* not to do it. And often times get all shitty and resentful if they try. Sorry, that's messed up, and you're a bad partner. And I guarantee there are other parts of the relationship that are crumbling or have died. Not having sex is part of a larger disconnect. DO THE THINGS. Say I love you. Hold their hand. Kiss. Put in time. Cuddle on the couch. HAVE SEX. If not, you're not really in a relationship, you're just roommates.
Every one just doesn’t like sex. I think it’s just assumed and expected that everyone must like sex…
Me neither. And I'll never buy into all that phoney crap of "I have stress", or "the kids are around", "I feel ugly", etc. If you don't want to have sex with your partner, then you are no longer attracted to them, which means that your relationship is actually over.
My sentiments exactly......And now that I can't.....there is no hope....just waiting for death.....won't be any lonlier....
That's exactly what I said to my husband... 3 years... Not sexless, but I am the only one, who initiates, and I am fortunate if I get it 2- 3 times a month.
Sadly I can say, that I got more, when I was sinlge... And it didn't affect my self esteem...
@@xdxdxdxd4575 I'm married close to ten years. I've probably had sex 10 times over the last 2-3 years. I rarely ask for it any more. These days I'd rather just not bring it up than be turned down again and again.
4 to 5 times a year and we are miserable! 25 yrs of marriage and actually starting to think of cheating!
In this case, its not cheating
we maybe had this much sex in the first year or 2. I've probably had sex with my wife 20 times in 12 years, the majority of that was trying to have kids.
One night of pleasure isn't worth the following days, weeks, months, and years of nonsense. Just end it -
Better get with if while you can still function ! Some un attached girl/woman out there will appreciate the attention...She will feel desired and that is really special !!
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay overdue !!
My boss is stuck in a sexless marriage for 10 years now. He said he can't get divorced because he has too many assets and was not smart enough to sign a prenup. Men, do not get married in this day and age. Just stay single, and enjoy life.
Tell me the rules of marriage.
Ye shall get married and become one flesh whatever is dealt unfairly a downfall so great for the perpetrator in time and ye shall rise 10 times higher above them than they ever went . Marriage is sacred . The Lord is real and his wrath is real if no faith in his vindication or to believe he is not Lord then I guess your right those men are screwed
relationships are always hard to mangae over time
@@bxr9000 why do couples have to agree to get each other's things once divorced ?
@@bxr9000 thats because we done bucked up forgetting we got to spread the gospel otherwise satan breeds and spreads his evil and steals all the wives. well it's never to late for all of us to walk in the right direction. world without end amen as written or we can focus on doom and gloom and our faith in bringing hell will come true too but even in hell you can still walk towards the right direction and if hell is infinite alternate realities and God wiped the memories of your death then lets keep working building and as the technology allows we can be young again and even live forever lasting life as written but maybe for some they might grow weary in living and wish for death but they will not find. it all depends on our attitude towards life
"How can you repair a sexless marriage?"
- You can't. So don't even try and end up wasting time and energy on it. Expend them elsewhere. Seek novelty outside marriage. Long live adultery! :)
Lol @ "Long live adultery!"😆
Amen🙏🙏
In some countries the marriage generally becomes sexless after 5 to 8 years because partners develop grudges and don't feel any charm in each other while divorcing is not easy because of society pressures so both partners remain the same even if they are bored of each other.
yep...................
such an informative, in depth video.
thank you doc.
Thanks miss.Rena Its appreciated 👍 Your videos always Gives some solutions its very helpful so thanks again 💝
We are exactly the opposite, we are having more and better sex than ever, and we've been together for 42 years. We have worked on all of the potential problems and pain points, of course...but the bottom line is, we not only love each other, we genuinely LIKE each other and really love to make love to each other. Talking is the key.
@Rena_Malik_MD. so this is legit? I saw something about contacting an app. I hesitate to do that...I do love your channel and your merch is nice.
Wade, good for you. I am happy that you were able to work things out and all is well. The problems you speak of, how long did it take to work through them and what suggestions can you give me?
@@wilsondv3 anyone married as long as we have been will encounter relationship issues. In our case, we had one incident of infidelity (my fault) about three years into our relationship that also resulted in an STD we shared, and we both had issues with alcohol abuse that we resolved by getting treated, about 7 years into our relationship. Throughout all of this, we remained best friends and passionate lovers, but that's who we've been for each other from the beginning. As far as sex goes, we have been compatible since day one, and we have always told each other what our needs/desires are. I don't think we'd have stuck with each other if we hadn't had well-matched libidos and didn't both really enjoy each other's bodies, minds and spirits. Bottom line? We're REALLY LUCKY and we both know it. Good luck to you!
@@MrGuitar1458 Wade, thank you for sharing. You did face a lot and you are an example of what can happen when 2 people that care about each other, work together and find a solution. You are indeed an example to all of us.
@@wilsondv3 thank YOU! 😊
9 months after our last copulation, I left my wife in 2019. Haven't looked back!
Managing to create a space for the two of you to become intimate is the tricky part. You need to put down the phones, shut down the TV and other screens, go to bed early and not stay for too long in shower or bathroom or wathever waiting for the significant other to get asleep so as to avoid potential disputes.
You need to create a cocoon of opportunity. Sometimes the other will use it, sometime not. But if you create deliberately a climate thzt leave no opening to potential sex. If you guilt and aggravate your partner when he or she does try to get closer. Then your marriage will become sex less.
Here for the comments, thanks for all the words of wisdom y’all, stay strong
Run guys. It does not get better. This hurts men more than woman can ever know.
Trust me, it hurts woman asvwell!!!
Hello Dr. Malik, thks for all those helpful videos. Hope to get some info on what causes the glans to lose its sensitivity and how to restore or reduce a gradual loss. Thank you and keep up the great work.
Glad you brought this topic up.
Damn ... Dr Rena is STACKED !
Been married going on 30 years, both 51 years old and used to have some great sex up until early 40’s.
Wife started having anxiety and got put on a antidepressant called Venlaxifine.
Well poof there went the sex life.
Those Antidepressants are terrible for a healthy relationship.
I am the one that has to deal with it, so much fun feeling lonely.
And when I ever talk about cuddling, working on intimate moments I am like the evil one and all my faults come out.
I seem to do know good anymore.
Not fun.
never sex less by aanti depressants did cause changes not for the good
I met a FWB 10 years ago and when we are together it is insatiable, we are like animals. This happened after my wife said she was no longer interested in sex with me. Hope she meets someone too that can satisfy her
After heart problems and so much meds we just ruled it out, not that I don't want to, just it does not work anymore
That's why I spend time with the neighbour's wife!
lol, thats funny
Married without children = a lot of sex. Married with children = no sex.
... or more accurately:
Married and life didn't start = sex
Married with life stressors = no sex
Cop out, my wife and I have 4 kids and have sex 7-12 times a week after almost 20 years of marriage. You have to make the effort and show the interest, serve her and treat her like a queen.
@@robertsink3788 20 years of marriage probably means that your kids are already grown up. It's very different from when they are very young and demands a freaking load of attention.
@@antoniovidigalbr I have 3 kids 8 and under
@@robertsink3788you're just extremely lucky sir, count your blessings!
You're certainly making important points to make it happen, using available resources and bringing scenarios as convenient as possible. It's however a bit challenging to get two with divergent preferences on the same page for an act that involves sharing of both body and mind to each other, esp when one is disinterested. Masturbation is at one's convenience and could be resorted to, to relieve oneself without having to go thru much trouble to create ground to make it possible with a partner.
I agree, and your right, masturbation is a way I relieve myself being in a sexless marriage for more than 5 years now, and I have found other men who has also resorted to masurbation because of a sexless marriage, especially the over 60 group
My wife hasn’t made love with me in over 20 years, and prior to that it was rare. Our first year of marriage wasn’t much better…
Married for 42 years, and were it not for the fact we had children I would have left her years ago. As it now stands I can’t afford to divorce her, I still desire her, and have lived in massive frustration for far too long. I try to speak with her about it but she refuses. It can’t be good for either my mental or physical health.
That's why I'll never marry unless I've been with the woman for at least 10+ years and truly love her and know that I'll be still getting sex but even then....marriage is a waste.
an absolute fact.................
Dude, get a divorce. I did after 30 years. It’s painful but I was able to get back on my feet in 5 years. Best god damn decision I ever made! Get a good attorney, well worth the money!
no argument there.....................
I am getting so unimpressed about just being married, having sex 3 times in the last3 and a half years. No matter what is going on good or bad, she still does not answer anything, or showing anything for what I said or wants to show her love. If I keep talking I will say the same thing over and over. Thanks for listening.
cause they don't HAVE to...............
This is such a huge discussion, I think you’ll find that most men who have been married for many years visit Pamela. I was away from home most of my working life, my two boys have grown up now, it’s just me and my wife now, intimacy is just a no go now.
So so sad as I love her dearly, but as she said, it’s closed now, forever!.
Closes for you maybe
Pamela Anderson?
Time to upgrade for a later model.
Very sad....it;s time to either move on or find a honey to keep your sanity and self respect. START LOOKING.
yea as men, youd naturally be "needy" weather you are footballer / engineer/ grunt worker/ whatever. But my system already de-bunks that myth. So, idk maybe she just sticks around but not care about you in that way anymore, but with others she may be really nice.. in fact i make the same mentality alot of times, ....
Dr. Malik any suggestions for a wife, who while dating told that she was raped as a child, but failed to mention until being married for several years that as a result of the rape she had no desire to have sex at all, ever?
Thanx, Rena--you're great! My girlfriend is 20+ years younger, well-educated and mostly fun to be with. But she has very little interest in sexual intimacy or discussing that topic. I feel totally emasculated by her, but worry about my isolation if left alone. We have spent 12 years together and all conversations on the subject have led to nowhere. Conversation is no longer an option. Therapy not an option. Intervention not an option. That leaves what--a late night mishap on the railroad tracks?
30 years ago we did have internet, it was slower but we had it
No wonder why people are crabby all the time lol
I was thinking the same thing.
Oh, what a subject !
I am now 58, my wife is 73 and life is fine mainly due to getting the correct HRT , which can take some figuring out.
But for 20yrs we had a sexless marriage, and it made me very unhappy and worse, predatory !
After I strayed, it was crunch time for the relationship , only then did the problems of HRT get resolved.
Thankfully all is now well,
If only spouses would do to keep each other what they did to win each other.
that WOULD work !
Get a friend that doesn't want to date, but wants sex
PERFECT !
Perfect !
I'm more frustrated with my marriageless sex..
Divorce or prostitutes
My wife has had no interest for 8 years now. I used to be fruscted like the couples in your videos 😅 until I met my sole escort. She has saved my marriage 🥰.
Damn right😅
Doc, I don't know what you did to yourself, but you really look good in this video.
This was an excellent video, makes total sense...been with my wife for 25 years now and fit this pattern, but have come to accept it as we both age and change with age...We were rabbits 25 years ago ;)
That makes it all that more disappointing........
35 years ago for us...............
The best marriage saver for limited sex for 35 years is a massage parlor! No girlfriend or divorce no bs only stress reliever.
Lol. Been there and done that with 1st marriage. Always happy with the ending and went home with a smile on my face….
Mine is almost that way, for my spouse and I are growing old.
Sincerest advice and insights out there. Appreciate it Rena.
Very well said!
Very common according to my friends.
Before we got married we had sex a lot . After we slowed down maybe once a week as time went on the excuses started to come . It hurts, I’m tired, I have things to do. No affection . Then when I would show attention she would push me away. After 20 years of almost no sex. I got ED. Now I can’t even masturbate. She would not even want oral . She wouldn’t even wash down there everything she did to not have relations with me. We’ve been together for 50 yrs now and I want to have relations but I feel cheated by her . We sleep in separate rooms. I just hope I die soon I have never thought my life has been a disappointment.
Dame
Same
Useful information!
Thank you Doctor. Love your insightful videos.
Sometimes having sex is similar to a trip to the gym. Once you overcome your ambiguity about it, you actually enjoyed the experience and are happy you followed through, in my experience.
True sometimes you get into the swing of it once you get going...knowing that you should just do it and hope for some enthusiasm....
pretty much....................
Agree. But the wife, agrees not at all.😢
I WAS married for 12 years and we never had a sex issue.
However, I have a close friend whose wife hasn’t given him sex of any kind, in 20 years; although he wants it. What a horrible existence. He won’t leave.
He is a fool...............Better to live in your car since she will take everything else.....
Why are you divorce?
Amazing colors for you in this video. Beautiful!
Top!!! I don’t have problems know but thanks again ❤️hugs from Portugal
This is a serious and clearly prevalent issue. I’ve been suffering from a sexless marriage for many years and am yearning to talk about it. Does Dr. Malik or anyone reading the comments know of a (legit) online chatroom, perhaps moderated by a professional?
I got a couple of Friends who havent had sex in YEARS with their Spouses...I find it INCREDIBLY CRUEL that another person on this planet decides for you that you arent going to have sex anymore because of Marital vows...Beginning to believe in Justified Adultery!!
Yes yes and yes. Honestly western laws create these problems. It should be in the legal doc that sex be had no less than once a week
beginning ??? you are way overdue and COMPLETELY justified though it may be uhfair to your new girlfriend.....
It is cruel and very, very sad. At times I get so depressed that I start crying. She has no idea what she is doing to me, Not that she would even care because she would just say it's my fault.
For me it correlates with happiness...It certainly helps
Focus on the next good thing you can do for your partner. Increase the frequency of doing the next good thing.
right AFTER she begins loving and caring for you................
all started when wife started menopause and post mainly. been empty nester 3 yrs now, quality aged distilled spirits me my release since no hall passes.
It simply means “ I don’t love you and I don’t find you attractive “ 😂😂😂😂😂
Now I know why my grandma had 14 children they had no T. V. Mind you I’m nearly 67. Now. Thanks.
The media self conscious part is bogus. Everyone matures when you’ve been together.
No sex means get out. Life is too short