Stop Gottman's Four Horsemen (Attack/Defend Cycle)
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- Опубліковано 29 чер 2024
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In this webinar: Fight Fair and Repair Successfully, Laura Silverstein, LCSW reviews how to tame the first two of John Gottman's Four Horsemen.
Destructive communication styles tear down relationships one conversation at a time. The first two horsemen, criticism and defensiveness, usually gallop together in a familiar attack/defend cycle. Both partners try desperately to express themselves, and neither feels heard or understood.
During the webinar clip, you will learn:
‣ Exactly how to escape the attack/defend cycle once you're in it
‣ How to avoid entering it in the first place.
‣ How to quickly re-direct an argument from an endless cycle into a constructive dialogue
About Us:
Relationship Academy is a platform dedicated to sharing evidence-based relationship advice with couples who are passionate about relational wellness.
We believe that the grass is always greener where you water it and help couples feel happy, connected, and secure with science-backed communication skills, action-oriented relationship advice, and step-by-step guides.
Find more resources here:
laurasilverstein.co/
(Free communication exercises for couples, courses, relationship quizzes and printable PDFs)
Here is a condensed clip of a webinar presented by @TheGottmanInstitute webinar series: www.gottman.com/conversations/ - Наука та технологія
New subscriber, will share with everyone i know you deserve more subscribers!!!!Wow, this was so amazing. You are so great at explaining and helping me understand every word that you say. I am so happy that i found your channel. I know that your channel will benifit my relationship and for that i will always be greatful. Thank you for all that you do, your teachings your time your effort, your generosity all of it. You are an inspiration!!! I feel inspired, you made this educational video and i want more. I love what i learned thank you❤
Thank you so very much for your kind words and commitment to learning and self-growth!
Wonderful break down. I can see where I go wrong in my communication with my wife a lot clearer. I have developed such a bad habit from past failed relationships because of this particular issue. It’s how you say it that can create a safe space to be understood.
Thank you so much for your willingness to be so honest and self-aware about something that is so common for so many of us (me included). I appreciate your openness and commitment to healthy communication!
I started playing a new game called Starfield. In that game my character eventually got married. I started rolling my eyes at some of the lovey-dovey lines my space wife uses, and then I realized I had been saying them almost word for word to my wife of 26 years. So if she occasionally seems unresponsive, I think I can be more tolerant. It may well improve our communication.
I love this@@ScotttheCyborg! You never know how and when learning happens. Thanks for sharing :)
amaxing video Laura. It explaind the criticism defense cycle very well. I really enjoyed watching and I learned more.
I'm so glad you found it useful! Thanks for watching :)
Very good. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for watching and leaving your kind words!
This was so helpful to me thank you 🙏🏾
I'm so glad! Thanks for watching and taking the time to leave your kind feedback 💕
Thank you for this information.
So glad you found it useful :)
Thank you for your interest in this topic and I hope you find it helpful!
This is the best 4-Horsemen video on UA-cam! Thank you so much!!! I am blown away as to why it doesn't have 1M views yet. Perhaps an additional 3-minute lead-in video would be more helpful to get people to warm up to your content. Or better yet, a 30-second short video that will get people to subscribe to your content.
@@SupercarEngg wow, your words are so inspiring. Thank you so much for your ideas and comments :)
Thank you, Laura! I found it very helpful!
thank you@@raulguereque so glad you found it useful :)
This was super helpful and insightful! Thank you 💗
Thank you for your kind words and for your interest in healthy communication :)
An excellent video! The part at the @17:20 mark is giving hope.
Thanks for your kind words, I'm so glad you found it useful :)
Ok, I got to the 9 minute mark where you described a gentle start up with the words I feel blank about blank to describe your emotion about whatever has happened. Any advice for when "I feel sad, anxious, lonely, frustrated" are all heard and interpreted by my partner as "mad"? It doesn't matter what emotion I feel, or what words I use, (or demonstrate through body language or tone of voice), to describe my emotion, unless it's a positive emotion, my husband assigns it the word "mad". I have tried telling him that it's not really reasonable for him to assign a label to MY emotion, especially when the label doesn't match what I am telling him that I am feeling. This is a behaviour that has been going on for a very, very long time, despite my protest and I am very "frustrated" with it, as it completely invalidates what I am feeling and makes me feel very unheard. 😢 Any advice for how to gently but effectively tackle this?
Thanks so much for your courage to share your story publicly like this and for your commitment to healthy communication patterns! Of course, I can't give specific relationship advice because I haven't done an assessment (or even met you and your partner for that matter). Some toxic relationships are not healthy to work on and it may be indicated to seek professional advice. But that said, I know it can be frustrating to follow expert relationship advice and not have it work for so many different reasons, and yet there still might be different things you can try.
In general terms, a gentle startup might look something like this: I feel unheard when I tell you about my feelings and it's interpreted as mad even when I am using different words. My request is for you to please hear me and believe me when I tell you I am not angry at you. Sometimes I am sad or anxious and just want to talk to you about it but I'm not telling you that you're doing anything wrong.
great video
Thank you so much, I'm glad you found it useful :)
Hello, at 11.50 you speak about preventing the attack, but this is the perspective of the attacker. What if you are at the receiving end, how do you prevent that?
This is a great question, thank you! So you are absolutely correct insofar as there is no way to prevent someone from attacking you. So when you are on the receiving end of an attack (and you will be as we all criticize each other from time to time even though it's usually not our intention), you can't prevent it. What you CAN do is respond in a non-reactive or defensive way such that the coversation will escalate. This can be done with a time out, or by taking accountability for some tiny part of what the other person is accusing you of. If you can't do that skillfully, I recommend taking a short break to gather your thoughts so you can have a productive conversation instead of an argument. Hope this helps!
My boyfriend is wondering what if there is no kernel of truth to consider….
That's a great question and very common challenge! Sometimes we can't find the kernel of truth, not because our partner doesn't have something of value in what they are communicating, but because we are too upset to look for it yet. This might mean it's worth taking a break from the convo and then returning later when both of you are thinking with more generosity. Thanks for watching and leaving your question 💕
What if the problem...is your partner's character?
Excellent question! If one or both partners has a personality disorder, these recommendations will be harder to implement. It is always recommended to follow any kind of relationship advice under the advisement of a licensed practitioner who has completed a full assessment.
Why did you put a gay couple??!?! Gays are different
The Teaching is good because it’s from Gotman training. BUT in your training pictures you seem to take the liberty to assume the majority of couples you would be talking to are homosexual. I find that to be discussing and very much was a distraction to the training. If you feel you need to agree with males having sex then at least show male and female who can actually fulfill the Creation model of pro-creating human life!!!
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