he didn't mean to be sexist, he meant that women in general prefer emotional kinda stuff and that men tend to me more objective, it's a fact. he never said there weren't exceptions. as a girl I don't feel the slightest bit offended by this and I'm not even the emotional type, calm your spirits
Actually, it's that in this society, we are conditioned to certain gender characteristics. Men can be very emotional but show it in aggression or passive aggression. There are many societies in which this is not the case--women are career driven and men are the vain. Men are NOT objective by nature. Men are the majority reason for discriminatory laws and why rapists get shorter sentences than some who commit nonviolent crimes. You know men too have "that time of the month?" THAT'S a fact
There are many societies in which this is not the case--women are career driven and men are the vain. --- Care to provide some examples? "western" culture in general or are there some traditional societys where the women are more career driven?
it's a fact because our society is toxic. that should be called out and challenged rather than just hand waved away with some lazy and evasive "well that's just how things just tend to be" type rationale. always ask why are things this way and is this even healthy for me and the world etc. with all of leo's talk of digging deep to find internal toxic biases in your self this type of shit is pretty hypocritical.
I do agree with you, especially on being happy by yourself, self-improvement, honesty and giving, and I do really think what you're saying is mostly very true and gives an alternate and better view on life. It's just, the way you try to teach that attachment is bad, and that you should always surround yourself with options to replace someone in case they leave, making people you truly love and that are very special to you, sound replaceable and that the partners really do not have any particular value as an idividual to you. The fear of losing someone, is not always due to the fear of dying alone and miserable, but rather losing that very important person, just as the fear of losing a family member or close friend. And how would I or my partner feel if we knew the other one was constantly keeping options? In a long term relationship, this rather just prevents you from working on things together and investing in each other, if you're constantly thinking of the possibility of the next. And in a healthy relationship I guess most people don't keep options because they are dedicated to their current partner. Also, seeing each other with several weeks or even days in between might be your view of healthy, but I think it really depends on the couple how much time they feel they need or want together. If you really match and communicate well, I think you work out with time how much time you both feel you want to spend together. I just wanted to share my thoughts, so of course, this is only my opinion!
Totally agree. I agree with most info in the video aside from the point of keeping other options around, I think that sort of just leads to insecurity and trust issues in the relationship if you and your partner are doing that.. plus like you said it can take away from the focus of your actual relationship.
Don’t disagree but the reality is most women have a replacement thanks to the cell phone and social media. I think a better way to look at is if this doesn’t work out I am ok on my own. My replacement is me. Once your good with God you can have another in your life but you don’t need another. God is the only one that will love you fully.
I do not agree with the ' make sure you have other options' in terms of a partner. This is wrong. You are lining someone up who could replace your partner? You should see your partner as someone amazing and a rarity. This also completely contradicts the idea of being happy by yourself.. if your so insecure you need to make sure youll definitely have a partner at every stage in your life you are not happy by yourself. This tends to be what people do when there partner isnt giving them much attention, and that is unhealthy. and for the record if you can replace a long term partner with someone you met in a bar.. your partner must suck..
Wth. That's not being loyal and that sentiment is highly dis-respectful, esp to the significant other. No one should ever have a backup plan. That's creating room to get the mindset yeah, I like so and so so much. He or she is next in line if all else fails. That's not really being fully committed, and honest, to the spouse. To have that mind-set entails, hey it's ok if I get emotionally and mentally connected, thats being polygamous not monogamous. Imo.
I think he is more saying knowing you have the capability of being able to socialize if things go to shit and you need to find another partner some day, dont obsess or set up another partner but simply build your skills, I would say not only for romantic reasons liited to bars and clubs but this also can be used for friends in all places.
Issy B He is talking about beeing a person that is able to meet other people if needed. Not lining up backups.. That is not what he is saying. Just be a person that is able to live on and meet somone new if the relationship goes sour. Its about beeing sure of yourself. Lining up backups would be fear based. The whole point is that your life is so happy that you would not need a backup. So many of you missinterperet him.
Yes! IMHO: Two people MUST "Agree to Agree", to get along, in spite of the small daily obstacles and they must learn to put some of their own preferences in the back seat, while trying to put their "mutual" activities in the front, (driver's) seat. Ultimately, I think that they MUST have, or develop, or "cultivate" MORE things that they ENJOY doing TOGETHER...(perhaps a variety or recreational activities, or entertainment, travel, academic interests, behavioral, and conversational interests, etc. If they do not learn to recognize their own failures, then they ought to be willing to help each other to work thru these difficulties. If they can't do these things, then they will eventually have to part company, and move on, in search of someone willing and able to do so. THANKS! Leo. Your youtube videos ARE AWESOME!!!
Nice.! The bootom line of having a good and lasting relationship with anybody, is to be psychologically satisfied witb whoever you are, and accepting whatever you are.
Duudeee! I have experienced what all you said. From being co-dependent (didn't work) , then independent (didn't work) and then interdependent and I learned loving means "giving" and relationship means to give to your partner and to yourself the best life possible (Yes, you are responsible to make yourself happy and not your partner). I wish I had seen this before. For all those who deny all this, I would say I have experienced it and it is so damn true :)
I agree and enjoyed most of your video. HOWEVER, a woman's purpose, like a man's, should NEVER be their relationship. Ladies, have a career, have goals, make your life about you! And attract that man who wants to do the same for himself.
some great insight into co-dependant and interdependant relationship models. Intimacy cannot be established without trust. You cannot have a life that is secret to your spouse, affairs destroy marriages because it is something you can never tell the other and the secrecy creates guilt, the guilt causes shame, the shame causes anger and creates more distrust .
The basics of any good relationship is communication, common courtesy, and honesty. Everything else is negotiable; these are not. Quality relationships are about negotiating the things you don't have in common. This doesn't mean giving up who you are. It means appreciating those differences and knowing what you have to let go of to be in a relationship. If you are in a committed relationship, you have to let go of the exes you are just "friends" with. I wouldn't want some guy who has had sex with my woman to be in her life. That's just me.
This video helped me out so much. People have told me my relationship was co-dependant but nobody ever explained what that meant before or ways that I could fix it. Thank you so much!
I wish I seen this before mine hit the wall but a student never stops learning so I been watching you and you making me see things and deal with things I thought 8 ever wanted to in myself. Thank you!!!
My problem is that I know all of this. But then I enter the relationship (feeling perfectly fine single) and I go wacky, and I become co-dependent due to trauma, then after we break up I am always like "Wow, being alone is so much better, why do I get so unstable?"
The part about being honest struck home for me. It's scary to lay everything out at the risk of someone not being or stop being interested in having a relationship with you when they know everything. But ultimately it's their choice what they do with their life. Keeping secrets is manipulation and is the basis of a dysfunctional relationship. And it feels good to be able to say anything to someone you care about.
Beautiful, beautiful video. I took 2 pages of notes on what you said and I am working to more deeply internalize these concepts so that I can not only make the qualities of interdependent relationships as part of my character, but so that I can show and teach other people who are also striving to create healthy and more fulfilling relationships with themselves and others. I am Demetrio Landeros.
I feel much better after watching this video. thank you so much... I'm always anxious about why my boyfriend is doing all these, but now I understand it's healthy. I'm the one suppose to become a better person.
so basically if you're in a relationship and say you're in love with the other person you keep your options open and have back up plans. Now THAT sounds like one thin line between a relationship and cheating on your partner. bad bad bad advice. that doesn't sound like love. for that reason alone thumbs down
+cowardsndntapply Yeah, I agree with the guy on not being co-dependent, but I don't think he should've straight-out said that you should feel so un-co-dependent that if you did get dumped you could get a new partner real easy, like you shouldn't feel or put too much into your relationship.
+cowardsndntapply he didn't say backup. what he's saying is to not put the burden on the other person and make him think and feel that he's all you got. you've got your own life, your own things going for you.
Great video. Actually I was cracking up at times b/c the codependent relationship that you mentioned described exactly the type of relationship that I was in. I'm the type that is always in a relationship and jumps from one relationship to another, but since my last relationship I decided to take some time to find myself since, as you probably know, in codependent relationships, you tend to loose yourself. The funny part is that I always considered myself to be a very independent person, but after this breakup, I've realized how codependent i actually am. I hope to one day have an interdependent relationship like the type you mentioned. Until then, I will keep watching more videos and striving to become a better person. Thank you! =)
Very good, very good. Yeah, most relationships are co-dependent, so that's very normal. And most people never admit that they are in a co-dependent relationship when in fact they are. Here's a question I really want you to think about: "Why am I always so keen on being in a relationship?" "What am I afraid will happen if I'm single?" When you can truthfully answer that, you will know why you are behaving in co-dependent ways. And then the work begins to remove those kinks from your personality.
I think i'm so keen on being in a relationship b/c thats what society teaches us and it seems to be frowned upon when you are single, like if there is something wrong with that or something wrong with you for not being able to hold a relationship. Unfortunately I've been conditioned this way. I guess I'm afraid that if I'm not in a relationship i'm not good enough, less lovable and not worthy. Being single can be scary cause I feel at times like i'll be single forever. I blame myself for the failures in my past relationships and sometimes don't know if i'd ever be in a healthy, committed long term relationship b/c of my past mistakes.
Okay, that's great! Now just realize that all of that is what's actually destroying your relationships and it will continue to be that way until you decide to let it go.
There a hundreds of ways. It will all depend on the particulars of your life and personality. Reprogramming your subconscious would be the best way. That's too involved to go into here. I coach people on that one-on-one cause it requires proper instruction. But just this awareness of the problem is already getting you some release. Now start acting in accordance with right principles. Refuse to be co-dependent and needy.
Thank you for sharing that. I've been doubting myself how I approach relationships and it fits your healthy description although there are sadly not many who want an interdependent healthy relationships, (sadly) in my experience ... Having friends then makes all th difference.
This is a great video. I especially like your last 2 points. However my girlfriend and I would not keep options around us as that would create unnecessary concern and unnecessary temptations. We also do not mind being together all the time period we continue to set new goals and push one another to achieve those so it does not get old.
Hi Leo, I've been greatly enjoying your videos and getting great help from them. In particular this video gave me the confidence to bring out a skeleton in the closet to my girlfriend, and although it wasn't easy and she became sad about it, I recognize it's the best I could've done. I want to poit out something though: be careful when saying that most girls are more relationship- than career- oriented, because although this may be true, nowadays for many girls it is important that they are career- focused and want that to be recognized, that's the case with my gf and I'm pretty happy about it. THANKS VERY MUCH AND KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK! :)
Romance vs Stability Relationships, as almost everything else, are all about cost benefit calculations, correct or false ones, from the beginning till the end, through ups and downs, best and worst, it's a matter of mental sanity! Papers, declarations, engagement, sex, security, insecurity, food, money, shared memories, match narratives, common children, etc., are all part of that (impossible) cost benefit calculation. The decision to stay or leave is best described by modern empiric psychology and neuroscience, as a random occurrence, at least for most people, because nobody knows obviously, exactly what will come after. Actually it's just a matter of how adventurous or conservative, a person will feel in the few seconds (or even less), it takes to make a choice. Inherently weakly shaped people (symptomatically hesitant) or people with very constructed personalities (symptomatically unhesitant) are, for opposite reasons, incapable of deciding anything and beside those pathologically affected, most people are still so influenceable, that in the end, concluding thinking anyone may decide anything by him or her self, is a much too speculative proposition, to build a relevant paradigm upon it. Nonetheless so called main stream culture is full of the emotional decision making paradigm. In fact everything about the calculation, is a matter of how much sh.t people like to eat themselves and feed others, mostly out of a combination of the denied boredom of being with the same predictable partner and the unaware total cluelessness about themselves, called inexperience. To develop an interest in relationships as an instructive topic (or to be more precise an interest in relation-shit) is pure morbidity, considering the above described understanding of how things really work. In the long run, the human lifespan is still far too short compared to the duration of the average ideal relationship, to justify more speculations and avoiding risk taking of making switches. Even children, when they stand in the "middle", serve as well known accepted excuses for not breaking up. I am not advocating instability but I am proposing that parenting continuity, a requirement of parenthood, is different and sometimes antinomic to the intensive care type of relationship often observed. As if paradoxes had their own inner logic, the more the people base the continuation of a relationship upon the sake of the children, the less they probably identify they true needs or the less they care. Still there is hope, in the one on one relationship, I call it the passionate romantic relationship, it's not less a roller coaster of feelings, but it's greatly intensive one, it's so good, I would label it, self justified. In the frame of a true cost benefit calculation, it's even worth to perpetuate one beyond its natural lifespan of mutual sexual attraction, because when luck gave a couple the chance to grab it, how do you expect them to just let it go? For sure in the perspective of a lifetime cost benefit calculation, at least for the happy fews, that look good enough, or feel good enough with themselves and each other, to make it seem realistic, to build their relationship on a narrative based on the romantic paradigm, despite the extremely futile fast motioned aesthetic environment, it beats by far every known occupation in human history, including drugs, loveless sex and you name it...
Leo, probably you already heard that but I need to tell you that I love your videos because of your clear and simple language. Even if I don't know English very well I can take from them all the best. THANKS A LOT ;)
I have a question my girl and I havent talked since saturday night she was suppose to come over sunday after work never answered never texted I asked her what was wrong she never replied its already wednsday what do I do I havent msg her or anything Im waiting for her to text back I like this girl what do I do?
weloading montages msg ? txt ? Don't rely on technology it can fail, the telephone might be broken or lost and she might be waiting for your txt. Conversation is the only trustworthy way. Call her or go there !
Actualized.org thankyou for this, you are wise, and you simplify the hardest things to realize. you make it positive and easy to understand. you are a great speaker. and from what i see im not the only one who thinks you know how to say it right. you give me hope that i can fix what i need to in my life and recover myself. so thankyou for gifting us with advice we all need, the kind we dont find many other places else besides by making numerous mistakes that eventually lead us here. ~G
Your Relationship ideas in this Video are Healthy and Make Sense, My husband of 35 years I Love Him Dearly, but have to admit the Little Quirks of Being Tense with Each other we Occasionally have Had, have now Almost all gone, since He changed jobs as a Long Distance Truck Driver, made us appreciate each other more, we, both work hard on our jobs and at home, and we both sacrifice for the relationship out of our love for each other. A little space does make the heart grow fonder, I also agree with your other points as well, I agree if you come into the relationship with a lot of baggage and wind up dumping your baggage on the other person or make them responsible to prop you up all the time, that's codependent, and winds up creating dis-functional nonsense. Just because your intimate gives no one the right to be abusive or conrtroling, which is why the Divorce Rate is as High as It Is, I agree with you go into it to give not to seek to get, in a nut shell behave unselfishly.maturely respectfully and treat each other with consideration.
I hear you and agree with honesty. It’s fundamental in a healthy relationship. Where I believe I waiver is the skeletons part. Every single person has missed the mark in their lives. After working through that with myself and my guides, not sure just listing every single fault from the past is truly healthy. I can see its importance if it’s still an obstacle in my life. Hopefully I said this clearly because I’m truly interested in your take on this. Some really good insight in this video, thank you
Why is it less applicable for women to have purposes and careers then for men? As a women, my passion is what dives my education and career. I find it very offensive that you think that because I am a women my purpose should be centered around family and domestic goals.
Some valid points but the part about having potential partners to turn to if your current relationship falls through is a little counterproductive I think.If I found out my husband had a few people lined up to take my place I'd be furious!
+Just Fake It Bouquets i think the point he was trying to express was to not be needy. Being all in on one relationship makes people appear desperate, because they are your only choice.
I don’t think he means that you should have people lined up. What I think he means is that you should go out, have friends, have a social life. Some people stop having friends, they stop going out and some even get a way from family. If you did all this, if you brake up then you have no friends, no life without him or her. You’ll feel like you lost everything.
From my POV he’s talking about having options entering relationships, and not just sexual relationships. I’d say it seems pretty healthy to avoid becoming clingy and attached To the only one option you see of having which has tremendous potential to become obsession. Which as most of what I see between individuals in this world most y’all think love is about possession or something smh
We all know that there is no perfect relationship, but this video gives us an idea of how to sustain a great relationship. For me, in order to sustain great and healthy relationship is that the couple must have a good communication with each other and must accept each other for their imperfections.
Love this video and message! The only thing I can't seem to agree on is the one sided view of only giving or only receiving going into a relationship. From what I'v learned on "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" is that Women naturally are great givers and men are naturally great receivers. Therefore, going into a relationship for sustainability, men need to work on giving and women need to work on receiving to find balance. Any comments or new perspectives? I am on the learning curve for relationships myself :)
@Tabby Fessenden...Surely if it's not natural for women to be in a role to want to receive and vice versa for men then the relationship will turn out to be a disaster.Yes we should work on ourselves but there are boundaries which if you try to cross then the outcomes may not be what you would wish.Food for thought.Good luck :-)
haha lol me too i was so needy that s what ruined everything and we were like the 1st type of couple leo ralked about. well now leo is right we ll be better and it ll gelp us more cuz we experienced what a non healthy realationship is and how doing like in hollywood shit movies won f get us any far
this is exactly what he was throwing at in this video, you should regret nothing you shouldn't overthink about it and most importantly you should believe that he is not the one and only 'option' you got. i am sorry maybe it is too late to comment or reply but i've just watched the video.
agree and disagree, the more time you spend with someone the more you should be able to communicate on a understanding level which mean you can be around each other and be at peace together. Effective communication create a bond that bring trust, understanding and peace.
As someone who has been in two failed marriages and a host of bad relationships I can honestly say that I agree with most of what this gentleman has to say. You absolutely have to love yourself and completely accept yourself to even begin to think of having anything that resembles a healthy relationship. It look me a lot of years and heartache to come to this conclusion. Save yourself that wasted time and listen to his advice. If you go into a relationship needing something from someone else it will not be healthy. You will either be manipulated because that other person knows you need certain things from them and they will use that knowledge to keep you on a leash so-to-speak or they will be very needy... because if your needy that is absolutely what you will attract into your life.
This counseling segment made me cry because if I were to have known the things that he is saying, maybe I could have not lost my boyfriend who I still love.
I am completely soaking all this up like a thirsty camel in the Desert! Everything you say is in my opinion rite on! God has lead me your way to clean up my act. My soul is being fed by your wisdom and knowledge. I can't get enough.. I have been longing for years to find the strength and freedom to set myself free from this prison of co dependency and Wake up in order to STOP wasting away my life in order to help others heal like you do! That's my passion. Yet I have lost EVERYTHING...while I sit here alone thinking about all my wrong choices I have made that took everything I had in my life even My self respect! Humbly ~ Suze ~
Your ideas are right on. Interdependence, rather than codependence or independence. Two people working on themselves in order to have a happy healthy relationship. Honesty, even if it isn't always the easiest. There is no way for a relationship to make me a happy person. I have to be happy, I have to shine and take that into the equation. Then I have to be able to keep it once I get there and my happiness, my willingness to work on myself can help a relationship flourish. That is the "giving, not receiving" ....I find ways to continue to improve, to work on myself, to be happy and give back to myself and my man. I love your ideas.
This is very useful, we don't meet many people with interdependency often... (not in my book anyway). As a young woman, I was too dependant... As I got a little older, I became too independent.... And that didn't work either lol But I'll definitely work on the interdependency now :) Thanks Leo.
I can understand that, at the beginning of the relationship, it would be wise to have other people you could have a relationship with. However, after 3 or so years, isn't that a recipe for disaster. That would be avoiding commitment in my eyes. If the relationship is going towards marriage, I don't see how going out to the bar and having backups would be good. Also, married couples will inevitably spend a lot of time together. I don't understand these two points in a long term relationship/marriage.
Agree with about 90 percent of this video. But the part about having "options" I'm not to sure about.... Cheating on your girl/man is a sure way to destroy or end a relationship. Lol
Thank you. You just made me feel better.today I had the worst day of my life.I cryed all day non stop.thank you for making me feel better.thank you so much!!!
Your wisdom has helped me on my journey & it amazes me how everyone I seem to be following on u tube are all saying the same things so that tells me I'm on the fight track. 6 months ago I didn't want to be here anymore but now I'm excited about this awakening. Cheers Leo xxx
I really enjoyed this, and agree on all of it. to my mind, just one thing is missing: the spirit. When I am in touch with my true self, all this comes naturally. Blessings!
Leo I have to admit, you're first person that knows what the hell you're talking about when it comes to relationship advise! Keep it up! When I clicked on this video I did it coming from a skeptical standpoint just because I've done numerous research on this topic. Great work!
Hello Leo. I love your videos. They help me so much and I get so much Meaning and growth. One thing I noticed was when you was talking about giving as a priority, this is wonderful, however I have had relationship experiences where I am giving and there is no recieving back at all - I think this is a unhealthy relationship. Thank you, i really respect you. This is first message I am ever sending you :) bit nervous. x
I really like your videos but I would like to comment on the stuff you were saying about women vs men on their purpose in life. A woman's purpose does not have to be family orientated and frankly I'm surprised that you would make such a comment since you seem very new age, new way of thinking, stepping back from what society deems as "natural". I know you probably didn't mean to come across as offensive but that comment, though subtle, was pretty sexist and I know a lot of women, including myself who would be very put off by that comment. A woman has just as much purpose in life as a man and can very well aspire to have more of a purpose than just family life.
thats true but some women just get pregnant sometimes and then their values change normally... its like us women have to be more sacrificial even if we dont plan it
I've just start new relationship, and the advice you give here and other videos are really helpful for now. Thanx a lot for your work! You are talking about the common mistakes, I usually did.
becky hardin I'm sorry, but the logic of any relationship, be it romance or friendship, is to give, receive more, give more, receive more etc. etc., until the cycle stops, and that's the ceiling of that relationship... if you just keep giving, you're only hurting yourself.
That makes so much sense! The only thing I cannot wrap my head around is: Why would I need a relationship then? This comes from a co-dependent mindset. The Ideal situation: I am truly happy only when it comes from inside, regardless of excitement, nobody can offer me anything to make me happier. I am independent in all aspects of my life so I will not need anybody. I am having social life with multiple friends and hobbies. What can be the benefit of a relationship?
You're right, you don't NEED a relationship unless you're co-dependent. But when you're independent, you can choose to be in a relationship because you WANT to. It pleases you, and so you do it. Now you do it consciously rather than unconsciously. There are many pleasures to be had from a relationship: sex, children, companionship, love, adventure, fun, mutual growth. You don't need your friends or hobbies either, but you enjoy to partake in them responsibly. Consider this: You tell an alcoholic to cut her dependency on drinking. The alcoholic responds, "Okay, okay... but if I don't NEED to drink anymore, why would I ever drink?" You would say: drink responsibly and there is no problem, but the way in which you're drinking right now is dysfunctional. The problem isn't in the drink, it's in your abusing the drink. Same applies to relationships and every other emotional crutch.
so work on yourself then go into a relationship to give what is overflowing in you to the other person, and make sure you choose someone who is ready to do the same
This was a great video. I got out of a toxic codependent relationship 10 months ago. I've been working hard to improve myself and not make the same mistakes. This video reinforced what I am trying to acheive in my life. Thanks
Thank you sooo much for this video. I watched your other 'Toxic & Negative' Video, and it totally reminded me of myself in my relationship at the moment. It really bothered me, and listening to you talk your words of wisdom makes me really want to change for the better as a person. Even if you don't read this i want it to be known that you helped me. Thanks :)
this video comes on right after...so it was therapeutic...until I heard him state that women are not focus driven on their purpose. That reminded why I unsubscribed. Anne Frank wrote, a woman must have something besides a man and kids to bring meaning to her life. Leo, I'm disappointed you feel so low about the female species
Best point Work on yourself 1.Abundance sexually 2.Happy by yourself 3.Work on your own fears , limiting beliefs and neuroses For a woman their purpose are relationship oriented 4.Honesty and truthfulness 5.A relationship is about giving and not receiving Knowledge, sex , gifts , love with pleasure
You need a relationship because its an requirement of from your side to love someone, its feels good to do that. May seem idealistic, but it's true. And yes it is about receiving also,, but the receiving of not what you want but what that person has to offer by himself/herself and to appreciate every bit of it. Basically, the lesser you expect the more you give (without damaging yourself in any lethal ways), chances are of receiving more than you had ever thought of! :)
Leo, thank you so much for being so generous and sharing your knowledge and experience with all of us. I have been listening to your tapes and sharing them with my friends for few days now and I am so glad I found you. What you have here is filled with amazing stuff for better life, better relationships. Also, thank you for your integrity and honest work!!! You really are the Best!!!
It's amazing how much I can relate to this video and Leo's other video's. It's made me realize I have a lot to learn but I am very positive and excited about my journey. Thanks Leo :)
U looking the physical side who the fuck care about the way others looks not me ... The important is the inside And to me u are disgusting just for ur comment
I have been married to my life partner for 3 years now and one rule we have is putting our relationship priority. Our relationship with eachother represents our relationship with ourselves and the more we work on our issues the more everything else falls into place. Also, I have to agree with the people that day that having “back up” partners in line screams for failure in relationship since everybody would rather start something with someone else rather than to reflect, heal and grow with their life partners. Also, if u can’t fully commit to a relationship you’ll never be able to keep a relationship the makes you happy at all levels imo.
I had to stop watching this. I'm sorry but I just feel there was so much wrong with what you were saying. I just had too many things ( so far) , I feel are not correct in this video, or I have disagreements with. I stopped at where you said people should be going out to bars and meeting other people, incase their relationship doesn't last. That's crazy. I'm not gonna "plan" on my relationship ending. People shouldn't have to go out to bars to know they will be able to find someone if their current relationship fails. That's in a inner problem. If someone has to go out to meet people to know this, there is a personal issue already. It also feels that society and now this video is always telling people, that you should date someone who is compatible with you, and want the same things. Who has money, a career, has no problems. That is not reality. Marriages are failing because people are getting married solely on the fact of compatibility. Then after a few years, they realize they don't even like each other. They only got married because they wanted the same things, they had good careers, good families. No problems etc etc. That is why we see so many divorces and affairs!!! Of course these things are important, but they're not everything in a relationship. You have to like, and then be IN love with the person for it to last. The other things can get worked out. In my opinion. :)
Mandy Mac Being in 'love' without compatibility may create problems and divorces too when the 'honeymoon' period ends... So compatibility in its wholesome sense is important as well as chemistry...
Yesterday i was having a bad strugle with my emotions. I clearly have troubles already since i'm having an affait with a family man, but yesterday i learned that the mans wife has been pregnant the whole time. This really choked me and made me feel disappointment and anger and sadness. I searched youtube for why men cheat. Since that video i have been listening lots of your videos while doing my morning shores and taking a long walk. The videos really calmed me down and i feel little more confident to face my troubles and see that i am codependent person myself, seeking for approval from men. Do you have a video talking specificly about "the second woman"?
Hey Leo. The cool thing about this video is every time I watch this I get something new from this video! I'm in a good place! Thank you Leo for all your 😓 hard work!
thank you for those helpful video as I had been through many relationship in the past, I was needy and yes,I was one of the co-dependent partner. times flied and everything fade away. yet, I had been single for 2 years and finally have learn and understand how important it is to love myself. I'm now dating someone incredible that I never have met before, he is some kind of my dream partner. I know I can't be the old me in relationship and I'm learning to be better. I wish this relationship will works for both of us and I'm loving me myself more and more each day.thanks for your advice for me to move better. ☺
You're a very attractive man. Possibly because you have taken the time to understand me, yourself, the world around you. I wonder if your still and peaceful in your private environment. That would be the ultimate guy. A totally non-anxious peaceful person to be around.
This is good advice overall. You're great at analyzing and communicating the things you've figured out. Here is the only little caveat I have with one small thing (with big consequences): you cannot tell a woman the whole truth and your truthful opinion on every subject without her quietly getting offended at what you' may have said that contradicts her. Every expert and I've read hundreds of relationship books (blame it on being female) from psychologists, relationship experts, marriage counselors down to my own experiences in 51 years of marriage has said you should never tell your wife or female partner your true opinions in certain areas. It is toxic particularly if you have anything to say about her appearance or loss of attractiveness, even if she asks, but very important if she hasn't asked, unless you have something positive to say. Women have memories like elephants, and I'm not kidding. Especially when it is things you have said that offended them. Don't do it no matter how you value truth. Just keep your lips sealed about things you have noticed set her off. We women feel bonded and honored when you agree with us and we feel we have a shared perspective. We need that a whole lot more than sex. You don't have to lie, just try very hard not to disagree with her. If you have to disagree, it can be about politics, but never ever flat out tell her she is wrong and for heaven's sake never ever utter anything like a critique of her looks if you find fault with anything. Believe me, women can see just fine in the mirror and are critical of themselves about every little thing, so she doesn't need you to tell her. Girl friends would not think of ever offering a negative opinion to each other. They bond through talking about what they do agree on and if one or the other says something harsh, their phone number and lives will not include that person beyond that one harsh comment. If she tells you about a problem at work and you think you can help her with a comment on how she could have avoided it if she only had or hadn't done a particular thing, you can bet if she doesn't say anything, she is inwardly gritting her teeth and trying to figure out if you are worth the trouble of even hanging in there with you. She feels you don't support her and there will be a chink in your armor that nothing can erase from that moment on. I don't care if you are a wonderful lover and you try your best to smooth things over that way, it will still seethe inside her until she starts seeing more and more chinks and decides her emotional health can't survive your negative comments and "helpful" advice. She doesn't want you to fix everything for her. She just wants to be heard. This is just a warning to you and all men out there. There now I'm done bending your ear or eyes or whatever. Hope your relationships go well.
"Women aren't in science and engineering because they don't like it. It doesn't suit them. The female brain doesn't like logical analysis. The female brain likes working with relationships and emotions. There are exceptions of course, but this is generally true and an outgrowth of the physical and chemical differences between the male and female brain. Science has been done on this" I would be interested to know if this science has been done on adult men and women who have not been bombarded with gendered social and cultural influences their entire lives? This is a very delicate topic in my opinion and I believe masculinity and femininity are much more fluid than we are led to believe. To identify too strongly as either can be damaging as some day you may find yourself having to fulfill the role you are not socially or culturally brought up to fulfill. Whether it is providing financially or materialistically for your partner and/or children when your partner can not, or nurturing and loving you're children in a motherly way. If one identifies too strongly as masculine or feminine and are finding themselves in a situation where they have to provide what their partner traditionally should as a man or women, this could cause turmoil in the relationship. Men and women are too often fully identified with their masculinity and femininity. I believe that to dance alone and be whole as an individual we also need to hold and value our own masculinity AND femininity as an individual in whatever quantities we find in ourselves. I think this is especially hard to do as a man because society often portrays femininity as weakness and vulnerability. This is such a destructive belief. How can we possibly understand a each others masculinity and femininity if we can not understand, value or even admit to these traits in ourselves. This is not to say that men and women are physically or entirely psychologically programmed the same. There is no doubt that we have evolved to take on certain roles in creating and caring for a family. However, today, for most people in heterosexual relationships these roles are almost obsolete. Both parents can take on either or both roles and many parents do. To say that men should look for a purpose more than women who are more family orientated is both sexist and contradictory to what you have said about being whole as oneself. I believe being whole has nothing to do with sex, gender or gender roles. I believe if we stop identifying as men and women and start identifying as human beings we will then find ourselves feeling fulfilled in both ourselves and in our relationships. I have only just found your videos Leo and the few I have watched have been very insightful and I love your no bullshit take towards psychology and self help. I am about to watch your 'How to be a man' video and am very interested in what I might find ;)
Sexist? Please... you saying that is the social conditioning right there. Go into any engineering departing in any campus in the world and see what you find. 2 women for every 100 men. Accident? Social oppression? No, just a fact which reflects women's lack of desire to study heavily logical subject matter. Are there exceptions, of course! Those 2 in 100 are the exception.
Actualized.org This may be a fact, however, using it to to justify these statements; "The female brain doesn't like logical analysis. The female brain likes working with relationships and emotions" is simply absurd. There are far too many variables involved in the brain development of men and women to use this sort of fact as scientific evidence to show that there is a genetic difference between men and women in this way. We understand that the brain is a muscle and exercising different parts builds brain tissue in those specific areas. When we practice meditation we grow the part of our brain that enables us to focus for longer periods of time etc. So, soon after we pop out of our mothers womb we are often given a gendered name and once the goo is cleaned off us, they dress us in gendered clothing and give us gendered toys. All of this is based solely on our sexual organs which are not yet fully functional. As toddlers we are encouraged in all these ways and in the way that we are interacted with, to start to identify as a boy or as a girl and adopt all the cultural conditions that are associated with these identities. Already, different parts of our brains are being exercised based on our sex. You can not disregard this, it is so evident in society today and culture throughout history. Once, the survival of the human race was reliant upon these gendered roles but today this is far from the truth. Today gendered roles have little more purpose than creating sexual attraction that fit in with social norms.
Actualized.org Leo, I guess it does really depend on the field you are looking at.engineering or computing (either science or engineering) is filled with dudes while other fields like bioengineering or biological science is more balanced. In my group, a biological lab, I have 3 female colleagues with the same pay grade as myself, and I'm the only dude. However, there are some difference between us: despite being a biological lab, lots of work is done on computers, and I'm the most natural with such kind of work (despite not having formal training with it); my female colleagues are more natural with animal experiments. Then I think it also depends on the social environment. Here in Singapore, where a) there is a weaker social pressure against women going to such field and b) men are conscripted for 2 year, the gender bias is weaker. in the US, I believe you see more male med school students than female; in Singapore, you see the reverse (OK, there used to be a hard-coded restriction that, I think, no more than 30% of each intake can be female med students. When the restriction is lifted, there are more female students than male). However, women doctors tend to drop out of the profession faster than men (family, marriage, child-bearing, to name) a few, you start to see more male doctors than female
Micah Dash I nearly completely agree (would phrase the part on evolvement a little more carefully)! And I especially agree on the part about being complete with both "male" and "female" traits and the conditioning part. I think, it starts with the first expectations towards young children. Expectations a child will full fill to gain the approvement of its parents. This might include simple things like girls not getting their clothes dirty, beeing calmer and boys climbing on trees or whatever. And what is the result? I think we're just beginning to understand most of this, but in the case of climbing trees more, this can mean that the child develops a better sense for a 3 dimensional space, which will later on help it to understand and imagine certain things in math! So by this we've already influenced the child's subject preferences by selecting for certain skills through our expectations of a "boy" or a "girl". As to the 2 women within 100 engineers: Correlation does not (necessarily) mean causality! Beeing born with female genitals does not make you bad in maths or science. We all have the potential to train our brains in a certain way - but in the early development we are not in control of what exactly is tought to us and what we are trained for.
Awesome video! So true about being synchronised, liked the dancing metaphor to, I will definitely put this to practise with my partner. I did disagree a bit with the thing about a women's life is more relationship/family orientated, I know loads of women who are hard working and strong and don't have/need that sort of life, I think its a complete stereotype but other than that great vid! Your rad, thanks!
this misses the whole point! are we talking about an egoistic relationship or a loving relationship? have you ever stoped to think what love actually is? feeling of excitement near another person? feeling of nervousness? sexual attraction? attraction for personality? you name it! its none of that! thats simply what happens inside yourself for your own pleasure. once it's gone? you feel bored with your relationship and things go bad. hows that love? love is much more what you do than what you feel! because when you're 90 you wont be feeling nervous or excited or aroused or stupidly smiling or contemplating the beauty of your "other half"! love is not what you feel! is what you think and what you do! love is altruism. love is being able to let the other one be the important thing. ultimately loving is being able to give your life for another person. isnt that what parents would do for their children? if you want to know what love is, don't look at futile relationships where each person is using the other as the tool of their own happiness and maybe struggling to be able to be the tool for the other one (because they dont want to be dumped). if you want to know what love is, look and parents! no matter how hard their kids fail, no matter how hard they hurt them, no matter how ugly they are, no matter how much they fail to fulfill the expectations, no matter if its not reciproque, all they want is for them to be alright and to be happy and they're ready to give their own lives away for them. and they do and they dont need to die to do it. they invest their adult lives in raising their kids and loving them. love is investment without measuring the profit. "if the other person leaves you, you can go to the bar and get someone else soon". what?!?! if the other person leaves you, you'll be so bad that the only worse thing for you would be if that other person was feeling the same as you. cause you don't want her/him to be hurt. and you wont go to the bar and get someone else! you'll be trying to make peace with your other half (other half, yes, as in fairy tails and shakespeare) if you got angry at each other. and then you'll be trying to get things back together. and what if you cant? doesnt matter! you're not measuring the profit! like a parent shouldnt be giving up on a child that isnt fulfilling their expectations. what if you lived your life loving without being loved back? it may be painful, but it may also feel good that all you ever did was to altruistically try to make to this other person as much good as you can. loving is delivering yourself. what if you dont fulfill your happiness standards? 1st - i dont think you would be happier living an egoistic life. maybe it would feel like it for some time. but what when you're old and alone or you've decided to settle for an unhappy marriage with someone you dont love (in this sense of loving)? 2nd - you're used to think that the purpose of life is to be happy. but is it? i think there are things a lot more important and a lot deeper than our own happiness. isnt it? how idealistic of me... well yes! isnt love an idealistic thing? the biggest thing we're able to do, the deepest one! i'm not saying its easy, im not saying this is what everyone wants to hear. i'm saying thats the most meaningful thing you'll ever do (so dont expect it not to be a big deal, to be easy or not be idealistic) and you should start right now! dont be like "im not ready for that" because you never will! no one feels like they're ready to die. but when it comes the time you have to die for your kids you do it, ready or not! so do it in your relationship! there's no such thing as loving short term relationships! love is for life! stick to that other person no matter what! "I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life". Think about what this means! its not like "i promise to be true in good and bad times in sickness and health to the rest of my life, unless i get bored of you or you disappoint me somehow, because then i'll get a divorce. oh and if you leave me, i know other people and i'll probably be over you sooner or later!". what you must learn is total commitment, and letting go of the self - altruism. loving is being willing to sacrifice your own well being. loving is being miserable whenever it's required. if you're lucky, the other person will love you too and your life will be the most amazing thing ever. but it's not only luck. if you do this things it's more likely that the other person will come to like you or even love you. IT DOESNT MEAN YOU SHOULD DEMAND THE OTHER PERSON TO DO THOSE THINGS IN ORDER FOR YOU TO LOVE THEM! you should give yourself to the other person and hope they'll respond to it in a loving way. but you should not demand the other person to give herself to you if they wan't you to respond in a loving way! "but that's unfair!!" yes, it's altruistic! the only truly good advice in this video is the one about honesty! be ethically correct with your significant other! be respectful, ready to apologize, ready to enjoy every good moment to the maximum instead of taking it as granted, be willing to suffer if necessary, be ready to forgive EVEN if you're not asked to, let go of anything that's interfering with the other person's well being and don't force her or try to make her feel bad for not letting go of things that are interfering with your own well being, don't demand to be loved back!!! you have to really embrace an altruistic way of thinking. if you're lucky, you may get to have kids with that other person and then you'll multiply the number of people you'll be willing to commit yourself to! there's nothing more beautiful than this! sometimes it's a really sad story, but beauty is better than happiness! (i mean beauty in actions! don't judge other people and specially the one you love by physical beauty or attractiveness. IT WILL GO AWAY)
Thank you so much. Particularly about giving without expecting to get back. Of course, we expect to receive back, but, if I don't receive back, it means we are not right for each other and I move on.
Leo I love these free programs. I'm arguably addicted. I'm afraid that if I continue, I might be required to be hooked up to a wire and speaking into a tin can. I am at present a penniless
What intelligent helpful words I believe my relationship has been codependant I was selfish not giving enough And now we are on a break she says she no longer loves me and she needs to find herself remember who she is So must give her space and improve myself to let the love rebloom and be generous I do feel I need her but I want her to be happy because of my direct actions thank you so much this video has touched home and helped me realise what else I need to work on
You came into my life at the perfect time, if you ever I mean ever have a day that you think you arnt changing someone's life that's fuck n bullshit! You changed my life and because of that I am a better person only because I was seeking, PLEASE keep up the excellent work! And sincerely THANK YOU!
Hi Leo , I understand from your videos that thee most important thing for sustaining a good relationship is to be in love with yourself and understand that there is nothing that the other person can offer you that you cannot offer yourself. Only then you will not be needy . But this negates the whole purpose of being in a relationship. A person wants be in a relationship because he/she wants love companionship admiration. If i convince myself that i do not need anyone for my hapiness then why would i go out there and try to find a partner because according to you i dont need anyone.
Yup, it is like getting a loan. If you really need one, you will not get one. If you don't need one, you'll have a mailbox full of offers. Such is life.
I am in my first official relationship and we known each other for 11 years and been going out for three. I felt like it was a bit too early for us to start dating but I did want to continue. I just didn't know WHAT MAKES A HEALTY RELATIONSHIP since it was my first REAL relationship.and even the tips you gave here really helped me out a lot. Lml 20 years old and still learning this. I would love to get married to him but i also want to know whats right in keeping my relationship a healthy one. Thanks yours videos are amazingly helpful 😊😊 keep it up!
Wow I have been watching your videos all day they are amazing help which I have been needing most of my adult life.I know now why I am divorced and have had many failed relationship since. Thank you so much for opening my eyes. Really looking forward to a healthy fun sexy new relationship.
I have always been happy on my own following my passion and succeeding in life. But when I met her, the anxiety attacked and I am seeking cure before it destroys my life and hers.
Maintaining friendships especially same sex friendships is key to a long term relationship. Making or maintaining opposite sex relationships with the idea of them being replacement options will lead to just that. Replacing is always easier then maintaining.
So, does that mean I'm in a healthy relationship because I study it? I don't even have to, I enjoy studying it, and many times it has saved my relationship, which I know. But I didn't know how important it was, I have heard of it as a thing you had to do, so it was kind of amazing to hear that my interest in love actually helps my relationship. At the moment I'm with the most lovely girl, and even if stupid things happen, I have often already read about it and know what is wrong and right to do. I have maid mistakes, but I mostly found out not long after, and my partner is happy for how much I know. She walks in my footsteps to follow me and be comfortable at the same time, and so far, I'm the one who starts, and so she will end it with her own choice. An example could be that I ask if I can kiss her a specific place, and then it is up to her if I can do it or not. Often I know what is good and bad about that kiss, because I studied it.
So what are your thoughts on gay relationships? I really enjoy your videos but as a gay man, I feel rejected when you cover topics on relationships that border on some "phobic" ideals. Hoping you can make a video explaing your beliefs and if you can connect with a possible gay subscriber.
I too would love some insight here. I have been watching these videos for a few weeks, and I've had several mental and emotion breakthroughs based on many of these ideas, but as a queer woman I am very off put by the completeness of the heteronomativity, and how your ideas of masculinity ans feminity seem to be categories, which I just heard you discourse against yesterday when I was watching the "needy vs non needy" video.
To some people, the more time they spend each other, the more deeply they know each other, the more they love each other, but sadly not everyone is that kind of person
he didn't mean to be sexist, he meant that women in general prefer emotional kinda stuff and that men tend to me more objective, it's a fact. he never said there weren't exceptions. as a girl I don't feel the slightest bit offended by this and I'm not even the emotional type, calm your spirits
Actually, it's that in this society, we are conditioned to certain gender characteristics. Men can be very emotional but show it in aggression or passive aggression. There are many societies in which this is not the case--women are career driven and men are the vain. Men are NOT objective by nature. Men are the majority reason for discriminatory laws and why rapists get shorter sentences than some who commit nonviolent crimes. You know men too have "that time of the month?" THAT'S a fact
There are many societies in which this is not the case--women are career driven and men are the vain.
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Care to provide some examples? "western" culture in general or are there some traditional societys where the women are more career driven?
it's a fact because our society is toxic. that should be called out and challenged rather than just hand waved away with some lazy and evasive "well that's just how things just tend to be" type rationale. always ask why are things this way and is this even healthy for me and the world etc. with all of leo's talk of digging deep to find internal toxic biases in your self this type of shit is pretty hypocritical.
I do agree with you, especially on being happy by yourself, self-improvement, honesty and giving, and I do really think what you're saying is mostly very true and gives an alternate and better view on life.
It's just, the way you try to teach that attachment is bad, and that you should always surround yourself with options to replace someone in case they leave, making people you truly love and that are very special to you, sound replaceable and that the partners really do not have any particular value as an idividual to you. The fear of losing someone, is not always due to the fear of dying alone and miserable, but rather losing that very important person, just as the fear of losing a family member or close friend.
And how would I or my partner feel if we knew the other one was constantly keeping options? In a long term relationship, this rather just prevents you from working on things together and investing in each other, if you're constantly thinking of the possibility of the next. And in a healthy relationship I guess most people don't keep options because they are dedicated to their current partner.
Also, seeing each other with several weeks or even days in between might be your view of healthy, but I think it really depends on the couple how much time they feel they need or want together. If you really match and communicate well, I think you work out with time how much time you both feel you want to spend together.
I just wanted to share my thoughts, so of course, this is only my opinion!
Joseko I like your comment
Totally agree. I agree with most info in the video aside from the point of keeping other options around, I think that sort of just leads to insecurity and trust issues in the relationship if you and your partner are doing that.. plus like you said it can take away from the focus of your actual relationship.
yes I agree. we need to alter information we recieve from ppl to match our personality and what we value as we are all different ppl
Don’t disagree but the reality is most women have a replacement thanks to the cell phone and social media. I think a better way to look at is if this doesn’t work out I am ok on my own. My replacement is me. Once your good with God you can have another in your life but you don’t need another. God is the only one that will love you fully.
I really feel your comment
I do not agree with the ' make sure you have other options' in terms of a partner. This is wrong. You are lining someone up who could replace your partner? You should see your partner as someone amazing and a rarity. This also completely contradicts the idea of being happy by yourself.. if your so insecure you need to make sure youll definitely have a partner at every stage in your life you are not happy by yourself.
This tends to be what people do when there partner isnt giving them much attention, and that is unhealthy.
and for the record if you can replace a long term partner with someone you met in a bar.. your partner must suck..
exactly my thought, i looked away from the video from a second and was like mmmmm okay no. thats fucked. lol
Issy B Hi
Wth. That's not being loyal and that sentiment is highly dis-respectful, esp to the significant other. No one should ever have a backup plan. That's creating room to get the mindset yeah, I like so and so so much. He or she is next in line if all else fails. That's not really being fully committed, and honest, to the spouse. To have that mind-set entails, hey it's ok if I get emotionally and mentally connected, thats being polygamous not monogamous. Imo.
I think he is more saying knowing you have the capability of being able to socialize if things go to shit and you need to find another partner some day, dont obsess or set up another partner but simply build your skills, I would say not only for romantic reasons liited to bars and clubs but this also can be used for friends in all places.
Issy B He is talking about beeing a person that is able to meet other people if needed. Not lining up backups.. That is not what he is saying. Just be a person that is able to live on and meet somone new if the relationship goes sour. Its about beeing sure of yourself. Lining up backups would be fear based. The whole point is that your life is so happy that you would not need a backup. So many of you missinterperet him.
Yes! IMHO: Two people MUST "Agree to Agree", to get along, in spite of the small daily obstacles and they must learn to put some of their own preferences in the back seat, while trying to put their "mutual" activities in the front, (driver's) seat. Ultimately, I think that they MUST have, or develop, or "cultivate" MORE things that they ENJOY doing TOGETHER...(perhaps a variety or recreational activities, or entertainment, travel, academic interests, behavioral, and conversational interests, etc. If they do not learn to recognize their own failures, then they ought to be willing to help each other to work thru these difficulties. If they can't do these things, then they will eventually have to part company, and move on, in search of someone willing and able to do so. THANKS! Leo. Your youtube videos ARE AWESOME!!!
Nice.! The bootom line of having a good and lasting relationship with anybody, is to be psychologically satisfied witb whoever you are, and accepting whatever you are.
"No one can full fill you but yourself"
words to live by
Agree!
Thats why they say to love yourself first before you could learn to love someone else.
Duudeee! I have experienced what all you said. From being co-dependent (didn't work) , then independent (didn't work) and then interdependent and I learned loving means "giving" and relationship means to give to your partner and to yourself the best life possible (Yes, you are responsible to make yourself happy and not your partner). I wish I had seen this before. For all those who deny all this, I would say I have experienced it and it is so damn true :)
Akshyata Naidu hell dude that s cool
me too i ecperienced that and it didn t work
well we have an experience now
I agree and enjoyed most of your video. HOWEVER, a woman's purpose, like a man's, should NEVER be their relationship. Ladies, have a career, have goals, make your life about you! And attract that man who wants to do the same for himself.
This is so amazing!! Just realised I was in a co-dependent relationship. Thank you! Have learnt so much from you.
He is amazing being
some great insight into co-dependant and interdependant relationship models. Intimacy cannot be established without trust. You cannot have a life that is secret to your spouse, affairs destroy marriages because it is something you can never tell the other and the secrecy creates guilt, the guilt causes shame, the shame causes anger and creates more distrust .
The basics of any good relationship is communication, common courtesy, and honesty. Everything else is negotiable; these are not. Quality relationships are about negotiating the things you don't have in common. This doesn't mean giving up who you are. It means appreciating those differences and knowing what you have to let go of to be in a relationship. If you are in a committed relationship, you have to let go of the exes you are just "friends" with. I wouldn't want some guy who has had sex with my woman to be in her life. That's just me.
This video helped me out so much. People have told me my relationship was co-dependant but nobody ever explained what that meant before or ways that I could fix it. Thank you so much!
I wish I seen this before mine hit the wall but a student never stops learning so I been watching you and you making me see things and deal with things I thought 8 ever wanted to in myself. Thank you!!!
My problem is that I know all of this. But then I enter the relationship (feeling perfectly fine single) and I go wacky, and I become co-dependent due to trauma, then after we break up I am always like "Wow, being alone is so much better, why do I get so unstable?"
The part about being honest struck home for me. It's scary to lay everything out at the risk of someone not being or stop being interested in having a relationship with you when they know everything. But ultimately it's their choice what they do with their life. Keeping secrets is manipulation and is the basis of a dysfunctional relationship. And it feels good to be able to say anything to someone you care about.
Beautiful, beautiful video. I took 2 pages of notes on what you said and I am working to more deeply internalize these concepts so that I can not only make the qualities of interdependent relationships as part of my character, but so that I can show and teach other people who are also striving to create healthy and more fulfilling relationships with themselves and others. I am Demetrio Landeros.
I feel much better after watching this video. thank you so much... I'm always anxious about why my boyfriend is doing all these, but now I understand it's healthy. I'm the one suppose to become a better person.
so basically if you're in a relationship and say you're in love with the other person you keep your options open and have back up plans. Now THAT sounds like one thin line between a relationship and cheating on your partner. bad bad bad advice. that doesn't sound like love. for that reason alone thumbs down
+cowardsndntapply Yeah, I agree with the guy on not being co-dependent, but I don't think he should've straight-out said that you should feel so un-co-dependent that if you did get dumped you could get a new partner real easy, like you shouldn't feel or put too much into your relationship.
+cowardsndntapply he didn't say backup. what he's saying is to not put the burden on the other person and make him think and feel that he's all you got. you've got your own life, your own things going for you.
Great video. Actually I was cracking up at times b/c the codependent relationship that you mentioned described exactly the type of relationship that I was in. I'm the type that is always in a relationship and jumps from one relationship to another, but since my last relationship I decided to take some time to find myself since, as you probably know, in codependent relationships, you tend to loose yourself. The funny part is that I always considered myself to be a very independent person, but after this breakup, I've realized how codependent i actually am. I hope to one day have an interdependent relationship like the type you mentioned. Until then, I will keep watching more videos and striving to become a better person. Thank you! =)
Very good, very good. Yeah, most relationships are co-dependent, so that's very normal. And most people never admit that they are in a co-dependent relationship when in fact they are.
Here's a question I really want you to think about: "Why am I always so keen on being in a relationship?" "What am I afraid will happen if I'm single?"
When you can truthfully answer that, you will know why you are behaving in co-dependent ways. And then the work begins to remove those kinks from your personality.
I think i'm so keen on being in a relationship b/c thats what society teaches us and it seems to be frowned upon when you are single, like if there is something wrong with that or something wrong with you for not being able to hold a relationship. Unfortunately I've been conditioned this way. I guess I'm afraid that if I'm not in a relationship i'm not good enough, less lovable and not worthy. Being single can be scary cause I feel at times like i'll be single forever. I blame myself for the failures in my past relationships and sometimes don't know if i'd ever be in a healthy, committed long term relationship b/c of my past mistakes.
Okay, that's great! Now just realize that all of that is what's actually destroying your relationships and it will continue to be that way until you decide to let it go.
How can I let it go?
There a hundreds of ways. It will all depend on the particulars of your life and personality. Reprogramming your subconscious would be the best way. That's too involved to go into here. I coach people on that one-on-one cause it requires proper instruction.
But just this awareness of the problem is already getting you some release. Now start acting in accordance with right principles. Refuse to be co-dependent and needy.
Thank you for sharing that. I've been doubting myself how I approach relationships and it fits your healthy description although there are sadly not many who want an interdependent healthy relationships, (sadly) in my experience ... Having friends then makes all th difference.
This is a great video. I especially like your last 2 points. However my girlfriend and I would not keep options around us as that would create unnecessary concern and unnecessary temptations. We also do not mind being together all the time period we continue to set new goals and push one another to achieve those so it does not get old.
Hi Leo, I've been greatly enjoying your videos and getting great help from them. In particular this video gave me the confidence to bring out a skeleton in the closet to my girlfriend, and although it wasn't easy and she became sad about it, I recognize it's the best I could've done.
I want to poit out something though: be careful when saying that most girls are more relationship- than career- oriented, because although this may be true, nowadays for many girls it is important that they are career- focused and want that to be recognized, that's the case with my gf and I'm pretty happy about it. THANKS VERY MUCH AND KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK! :)
Romance vs Stability
Relationships, as almost everything else, are all about cost benefit calculations, correct or false ones, from the beginning till the end, through ups and downs, best and worst, it's a matter of mental sanity!
Papers, declarations, engagement, sex, security, insecurity, food, money, shared memories, match narratives, common children, etc., are all part of that (impossible) cost benefit calculation.
The decision to stay or leave is best described by modern empiric psychology and neuroscience, as a random occurrence, at least for most people, because nobody knows obviously, exactly what will come after. Actually it's just a matter of how adventurous or conservative, a person will feel in the few seconds (or even less), it takes to make a choice.
Inherently weakly shaped people (symptomatically hesitant) or people with very constructed personalities (symptomatically unhesitant) are, for opposite reasons, incapable of deciding anything and beside those pathologically affected, most people are still so influenceable, that in the end, concluding thinking anyone may decide anything by him or her self, is a much too speculative proposition, to build a relevant paradigm upon it. Nonetheless so called main stream culture is full of the emotional decision making paradigm.
In fact everything about the calculation, is a matter of how much sh.t people like to eat themselves and feed others, mostly out of a combination of the denied boredom of being with the same predictable partner and the unaware total cluelessness about themselves, called inexperience.
To develop an interest in relationships as an instructive topic (or to be more precise an interest in relation-shit) is pure morbidity, considering the above described understanding of how things really work. In the long run, the human lifespan is still far too short compared to the duration of the average ideal relationship, to justify more speculations and avoiding risk taking of making switches. Even children, when they stand in the "middle", serve as well known accepted excuses for not breaking up. I am not advocating instability but I am proposing that parenting continuity, a requirement of parenthood, is different and sometimes antinomic to the intensive care type of relationship often observed. As if paradoxes had their own inner logic, the more the people base the continuation of a relationship upon the sake of the children, the less they probably identify they true needs or the less they care. Still there is hope, in the one on one relationship, I call it the passionate romantic relationship, it's not less a roller coaster of feelings, but it's greatly intensive one, it's so good, I would label it, self justified. In the frame of a true cost benefit calculation, it's even worth to perpetuate one beyond its natural lifespan of mutual sexual attraction, because when luck gave a couple the chance to grab it, how do you expect them to just let it go? For sure in the perspective of a lifetime cost benefit calculation, at least for the happy fews, that look good enough, or feel good enough with themselves and each other, to make it seem realistic, to build their relationship on a narrative based on the romantic paradigm, despite the extremely futile fast motioned aesthetic environment, it beats by far every known occupation in human history, including drugs, loveless sex and you name it...
@SigneWhite Wow! Thanks for letting me know. It definitely feels good to see your work help people. And thanks for sharing :)
Leo, probably you already heard that but I need to tell you that I love your videos because of your clear and simple language. Even if I don't know English very well I can take from them all the best. THANKS A LOT ;)
I have a question my girl and I havent talked since saturday night she was suppose to come over sunday after work never answered never texted I asked her what was wrong she never replied its already wednsday what do I do I havent msg her or anything Im waiting for her to text back I like this girl what do I do?
weloading montages
msg ? txt ? Don't rely on technology it can fail, the telephone might be broken or lost and she might be waiting for your txt. Conversation is the only trustworthy way. Call her or go there !
This is a very good video!
Actualized.org thankyou for this, you are wise, and you simplify the hardest things to realize. you make it positive and easy to understand. you are a great speaker. and from what i see im not the only one who thinks you know how to say it right. you give me hope that i can fix what i need to in my life and recover myself. so thankyou for gifting us with advice we all need, the kind we dont find many other places else besides by making numerous mistakes that eventually lead us here. ~G
Your Relationship ideas in this Video are Healthy and Make Sense, My husband of 35 years I Love Him Dearly, but have to admit the Little Quirks of Being Tense with Each other we Occasionally have Had, have now Almost all gone, since He changed jobs as a Long Distance Truck Driver, made us appreciate each other more, we, both work hard on our jobs and at home, and we both sacrifice for the relationship out of our love for each other. A little space does make the heart grow fonder, I also agree with your other points as well, I agree if you come into the relationship with a lot of baggage and wind up dumping your baggage on the other person or make them responsible to prop you up all the time, that's codependent, and winds up creating dis-functional nonsense. Just because your intimate gives no one the right to be abusive or conrtroling, which is why the Divorce Rate is as High as It Is, I agree with you go into it to give not to seek to get, in a nut shell behave unselfishly.maturely respectfully and treat each other with consideration.
I hear you and agree with honesty. It’s fundamental in a healthy relationship. Where I believe I waiver is the skeletons part. Every single person has missed the mark in their lives. After working through that with myself and my guides, not sure just listing every single fault from the past is truly healthy. I can see its importance if it’s still an obstacle in my life. Hopefully I said this clearly because I’m truly interested in your take on this. Some really good insight in this video, thank you
Leo, you've been my therapy for quite some time already, wanted to thank you for all you do, you're really helpful and inspiring and quite wise!
Why is it less applicable for women to have purposes and careers then for men? As a women, my passion is what dives my education and career. I find it very offensive that you think that because I am a women my purpose should be centered around family and domestic goals.
You are never gonna get anywhere if you are so easily offended by others opinions. Accept your feminity and you will live a fulfilling life.
Some valid points but the part about having potential partners to turn to if your current relationship falls through is a little counterproductive I think.If I found out my husband had a few people lined up to take my place I'd be furious!
+Just Fake It Bouquets i think the point he was trying to express was to not be needy. Being all in on one relationship makes people appear desperate, because they are your only choice.
Just Fake It Bouquets you prove his point, needy bitch
I agree. He lost me there too.
I don’t think he means that you should have people lined up. What I think he means is that you should go out, have friends, have a social life. Some people stop having friends, they stop going out and some even get a way from family. If you did all this, if you brake up then you have no friends, no life without him or her. You’ll feel like you lost everything.
From my POV he’s talking about having options entering relationships, and not just sexual relationships. I’d say it seems pretty healthy to avoid becoming clingy and attached To the only one option you see of having which has tremendous potential to become obsession. Which as most of what I see between individuals in this world most y’all think love is about possession or something smh
We all know that there is no perfect relationship, but this video gives us an idea of how to sustain a great relationship. For me, in order to sustain great and healthy relationship is that the couple must have a good communication with each other and must accept each other for their imperfections.
Love this video and message! The only thing I can't seem to agree on is the one sided view of only giving or only receiving going into a relationship. From what I'v learned on "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" is that Women naturally are great givers and men are naturally great receivers. Therefore, going into a relationship for sustainability, men need to work on giving and women need to work on receiving to find balance. Any comments or new perspectives? I am on the learning curve for relationships myself :)
@Tabby Fessenden...Surely if it's not natural for women to be in a role to want to receive and vice versa for men then the relationship will turn out to be a disaster.Yes we should work on ourselves but there are boundaries which if you try to cross then the outcomes may not be what you would wish.Food for thought.Good luck :-)
I wished i could've watched your videos before my bf broke up with me:(
They'll be even more effective for you now.
+Actualized.org big help
you can attract another bf much better for you
haha lol me too
i was so needy that s what ruined everything and we were like the 1st type of couple leo ralked about.
well now leo is right we ll be better and it ll gelp us more cuz we experienced what a non healthy realationship is and how doing like in hollywood shit movies won f get us any far
this is exactly what he was throwing at in this video, you should regret nothing you shouldn't overthink about it and most importantly you should believe that he is not the one and only 'option' you got. i am sorry maybe it is too late to comment or reply but i've just watched the video.
agree and disagree, the more time you spend with someone the more you should be able to communicate on a understanding level which mean you can be around each other and be at peace together. Effective communication create a bond that bring trust, understanding and peace.
As someone who has been in two failed marriages and a host of bad relationships I can honestly say that I agree with most of what this gentleman has to say. You absolutely have to love yourself and completely accept yourself to even begin to think of having anything that resembles a healthy relationship. It look me a lot of years and heartache to come to this conclusion. Save yourself that wasted time and listen to his advice.
If you go into a relationship needing something from someone else it will not be healthy. You will either be manipulated because that other person knows you need certain things from them and they will use that knowledge to keep you on a leash so-to-speak or they will be very needy... because if your needy that is absolutely what you will attract into your life.
This counseling segment made me cry because if I were to have known the things that he is saying, maybe I could have not lost my boyfriend who I still love.
I am completely soaking all this up like a thirsty camel in the Desert! Everything you say is in my opinion rite on!
God has lead me your way to clean up my act. My soul is being fed by your wisdom and knowledge. I can't get enough..
I have been longing for years to find the strength and freedom to set myself free from this prison of co dependency and
Wake up in order to STOP wasting away my life in order to help others heal like you do! That's my passion. Yet I have lost
EVERYTHING...while I sit here alone thinking about all my wrong choices I have made that took everything I had in my life even
My self respect! Humbly ~ Suze ~
Your ideas are right on. Interdependence, rather than codependence or independence. Two people working on themselves in order to have a happy healthy relationship. Honesty, even if it isn't always the easiest. There is no way for a relationship to make me a happy person. I have to be happy, I have to shine and take that into the equation. Then I have to be able to keep it once I get there and my happiness, my willingness to work on myself can help a relationship flourish. That is the "giving, not receiving" ....I find ways to continue to improve, to work on myself, to be happy and give back to myself and my man. I love your ideas.
Pretty accurate, coming from someone that says he's never had a relationship.
This is very useful, we don't meet many people with interdependency often... (not in my book anyway). As a young woman, I was too dependant... As I got a little older, I became too independent.... And that didn't work either lol
But I'll definitely work on the interdependency now :) Thanks Leo.
The point about giving honest feedback instead of not wanting to rock the boat is the best point of all.
I can understand that, at the beginning of the relationship, it would be wise to have other people you could have a relationship with. However, after 3 or so years, isn't that a recipe for disaster. That would be avoiding commitment in my eyes. If the relationship is going towards marriage, I don't see how going out to the bar and having backups would be good. Also, married couples will inevitably spend a lot of time together. I don't understand these two points in a long term relationship/marriage.
Shelby Kaup tru
Karl Richard Dinnington yes!
Shelby McClellan
Beautiful thoughts.
yeah I'm married and I thought about that too🤔
Agree with about 90 percent of this video. But the part about having "options" I'm not to sure about.... Cheating on your girl/man is a sure way to destroy or end a relationship. Lol
Thank you. You just made me feel better.today I had the worst day of my life.I cryed all day non stop.thank you for making me feel better.thank you so much!!!
Your wisdom has helped me on my journey & it amazes me how everyone I seem to be following on u tube are all saying the same things so that tells me I'm on the fight track. 6 months ago I didn't want to be here anymore but now I'm excited about this awakening. Cheers Leo xxx
I really enjoyed this, and agree on all of it. to my mind, just one thing is missing: the spirit. When I am in touch with my true self, all this comes naturally. Blessings!
This is great , i am so into human psychology, and all you are saying is so true ,watching your videos made me realise so many things 😊😘
Leo I have to admit, you're first person that knows what the hell you're talking about when it comes to relationship advise! Keep it up! When I clicked on this video I did it coming from a skeptical standpoint just because I've done numerous research on this topic. Great work!
10:59
introverts :😂😂 of course i will
Hello Leo. I love your videos. They help me so much and I get so much Meaning and growth.
One thing I noticed was when you was talking about giving as a priority, this is wonderful, however I have had relationship experiences where I am giving and there is no recieving back at all - I think this is a unhealthy relationship.
Thank you, i really respect you. This is first message I am ever sending you :) bit nervous. x
I really like your videos but I would like to comment on the stuff you were saying about women vs men on their purpose in life. A woman's purpose does not have to be family orientated and frankly I'm surprised that you would make such a comment since you seem very new age, new way of thinking, stepping back from what society deems as "natural". I know you probably didn't mean to come across as offensive but that comment, though subtle, was pretty sexist and I know a lot of women, including myself who would be very put off by that comment. A woman has just as much purpose in life as a man and can very well aspire to have more of a purpose than just family life.
thats true but some women just get pregnant sometimes and then their values change normally... its like us women have to be more sacrificial even if we dont plan it
I've just start new relationship, and the advice you give here and other videos are really helpful for now. Thanx a lot for your work! You are talking about the common mistakes, I usually did.
I know you say not to worry about receiving, but what if you are giving and giving but all your partner ever does is take?
Then find a new partner.
becky hardin I'm sorry, but the logic of any relationship, be it romance or friendship, is to give, receive more, give more, receive more etc. etc., until the cycle stops, and that's the ceiling of that relationship... if you just keep giving, you're only hurting yourself.
+becky hardin What happens when you make a request?
That makes so much sense! The only thing I cannot wrap my head around is: Why would I need a relationship then? This comes from a co-dependent mindset. The Ideal situation: I am truly happy only when it comes from inside, regardless of excitement, nobody can offer me anything to make me happier. I am independent in all aspects of my life so I will not need anybody. I am having social life with multiple friends and hobbies. What can be the benefit of a relationship?
You're right, you don't NEED a relationship unless you're co-dependent. But when you're independent, you can choose to be in a relationship because you WANT to. It pleases you, and so you do it. Now you do it consciously rather than unconsciously. There are many pleasures to be had from a relationship: sex, children, companionship, love, adventure, fun, mutual growth. You don't need your friends or hobbies either, but you enjoy to partake in them responsibly.
Consider this: You tell an alcoholic to cut her dependency on drinking. The alcoholic responds, "Okay, okay... but if I don't NEED to drink anymore, why would I ever drink?" You would say: drink responsibly and there is no problem, but the way in which you're drinking right now is dysfunctional. The problem isn't in the drink, it's in your abusing the drink. Same applies to relationships and every other emotional crutch.
Leo, thank you for opening new possibilities for me as a person and for me as a better partner to my girlfriend. I really appreciate your work.
so work on yourself then go into a relationship to give what is overflowing in you to the other person, and make sure you choose someone who is ready to do the same
This was a great video. I got out of a toxic codependent relationship 10 months ago. I've been working hard to improve myself and not make the same mistakes. This video reinforced what I am trying to acheive in my life. Thanks
I'm a woman and I could care less about relationships and emotions. Idk what it is but finding value and purpose in this life seems more interesting.
Thank you sooo much for this video.
I watched your other 'Toxic & Negative' Video, and it totally reminded me of myself in my relationship at the moment.
It really bothered me, and listening to you talk your words of wisdom makes me really want to change for the better as a person.
Even if you don't read this i want it to be known that you helped me.
Thanks :)
Cool :)
this video comes on right after...so it was therapeutic...until I heard him state that women are not focus driven on their purpose. That reminded why I unsubscribed. Anne Frank wrote, a woman must have something besides a man and kids to bring meaning to her life. Leo, I'm disappointed you feel so low about the female species
Best point Work on yourself
1.Abundance sexually
2.Happy by yourself
3.Work on your own fears , limiting beliefs and neuroses
For a woman their purpose are relationship oriented
4.Honesty and truthfulness
5.A relationship is about giving and not receiving
Knowledge, sex , gifts , love with pleasure
I have just one question: If I am so awesome all by myself, why do I need to be in a relationship? Isn't it also a little bit about receiving?
You need a relationship because its an requirement of from your side to love someone, its feels good to do that. May seem idealistic, but it's true. And yes it is about receiving also,, but the receiving of not what you want but what that person has to offer by himself/herself and to appreciate every bit of it. Basically, the lesser you expect the more you give (without damaging yourself in any lethal ways), chances are of receiving more than you had ever thought of! :)
***** :) Glad to know! Took me years to understand it :P Regards!
Leo, thank you so much for being so generous and sharing your knowledge and experience with all of us. I have been listening to your tapes and sharing them with my friends for few days now and I am so glad I found you. What you have here is filled with amazing stuff for better life, better relationships. Also, thank you for your integrity and honest work!!! You really are the Best!!!
It's amazing how much I can relate to this video and Leo's other video's. It's made me realize I have a lot to learn but I am very positive and excited about my journey. Thanks Leo :)
You always seem to have everything nailed. I hope all this seeps in to my mind to make life better. Keep up the good work.
Dude looks like the nice version of Satan
😂😂😂👿
the enlightened look upon the heart
@Jonathan Thomas Agreed. He's got a bit of a creepy smile 😅
U looking the physical side who the fuck care about the way others looks not me ...
The important is the inside
And to me u are disgusting just for ur comment
Jonathan Thomas Dude seems to be on Point. ! That's all that matters! 👍🏽😀
I have been married to my life partner for 3 years now and one rule we have is putting our relationship priority. Our relationship with eachother represents our relationship with ourselves and the more we work on our issues the more everything else falls into place. Also, I have to agree with the people that day that having “back up” partners in line screams for failure in relationship since everybody would rather start something with someone else rather than to reflect, heal and grow with their life partners. Also, if u can’t fully commit to a relationship you’ll never be able to keep a relationship the makes you happy at all levels imo.
I had to stop watching this. I'm sorry but I just feel there was so much wrong with what you were saying. I just had too many things ( so far) , I feel are not correct in this video, or I have disagreements with.
I stopped at where you said people should be going out to bars and meeting other people, incase their relationship doesn't last. That's crazy. I'm not gonna "plan" on my relationship ending.
People shouldn't have to go out to bars to know they will be able to find someone if their current relationship fails. That's in a inner problem. If someone has to go out to meet people to know this, there is a personal issue already.
It also feels that society and now this video is always telling people, that you should date someone who is compatible with you, and want the same things. Who has money, a career, has no problems. That is not reality. Marriages are failing because people are getting married solely on the fact of compatibility. Then after a few years, they realize they don't even like each other. They only got married because they wanted the same things, they had good careers, good families. No problems etc etc. That is why we see so many divorces and affairs!!!
Of course these things are important, but they're not everything in a relationship. You have to like, and then be IN love with the person for it to last. The other things can get worked out. In my opinion. :)
Mandy Mac Being in 'love' without compatibility may create problems and divorces too when the 'honeymoon' period ends... So compatibility in its wholesome sense is important as well as chemistry...
Thanks for sharing your point of view. It was really helpful, now I realize what I was doing wrong and really opens my eyes to be better.
Yesterday i was having a bad strugle with my emotions. I clearly have troubles already since i'm having an affait with a family man, but yesterday i learned that the mans wife has been pregnant the whole time. This really choked me and made me feel disappointment and anger and sadness. I searched youtube for why men cheat. Since that video i have been listening lots of your videos while doing my morning shores and taking a long walk. The videos really calmed me down and i feel little more confident to face my troubles and see that i am codependent person myself, seeking for approval from men.
Do you have a video talking specificly about "the second woman"?
Hey Leo. The cool thing about this video is every time I watch this I get something new from this video! I'm in a good place! Thank you Leo for all your 😓 hard work!
Beautiful metaphor with the ballet! Thanks for the great video!
You won`t imagine how helpful this has been for me. Trully life changing. Thank you Leo
thank you for those helpful video as I had been through many relationship in the past, I was needy and yes,I was one of the co-dependent partner. times flied and everything fade away. yet, I had been single for 2 years and finally have learn and understand how important it is to love myself. I'm now dating someone incredible that I never have met before, he is some kind of my dream partner. I know I can't be the old me in relationship and I'm learning to be better. I wish this relationship will works for both of us and I'm loving me myself more and more each day.thanks for your advice for me to move better. ☺
Leo you are an amazing councellor. You made a great change in my life
You're a very attractive man. Possibly because you have taken the time to understand me, yourself, the world around you. I wonder if your still and peaceful in your private environment. That would be the ultimate guy. A totally non-anxious peaceful person to be around.
This is good advice overall. You're great at analyzing and communicating the things you've figured out. Here is the only little caveat I have with one small thing (with big consequences): you cannot tell a woman the whole truth and your truthful opinion on every subject without her quietly getting offended at what you' may have said that contradicts her. Every expert and I've read hundreds of relationship books (blame it on being female) from psychologists, relationship experts, marriage counselors down to my own experiences in 51 years of marriage has said you should never tell your wife or female partner your true opinions in certain areas. It is toxic particularly if you have anything to say about her appearance or loss of attractiveness, even if she asks, but very important if she hasn't asked, unless you have something positive to say. Women have memories like elephants, and I'm not kidding. Especially when it is things you have said that offended them. Don't do it no matter how you value truth. Just keep your lips sealed about things you have noticed set her off. We women feel bonded and honored when you agree with us and we feel we have a shared perspective. We need that a whole lot more than sex. You don't have to lie, just try very hard not to disagree with her. If you have to disagree, it can be about politics, but never ever flat out tell her she is wrong and for heaven's sake never ever utter anything like a critique of her looks if you find fault with anything. Believe me, women can see just fine in the mirror and are critical of themselves about every little thing, so she doesn't need you to tell her. Girl friends would not think of ever offering a negative opinion to each other. They bond through talking about what they do agree on and if one or the other says something harsh, their phone number and lives will not include that person beyond that one harsh comment. If she tells you about a problem at work and you think you can help her with a comment on how she could have avoided it if she only had or hadn't done a particular thing, you can bet if she doesn't say anything, she is inwardly gritting her teeth and trying to figure out if you are worth the trouble of even hanging in there with you. She feels you don't support her and there will be a chink in your armor that nothing can erase from that moment on. I don't care if you are a wonderful lover and you try your best to smooth things over that way, it will still seethe inside her until she starts seeing more and more chinks and decides her emotional health can't survive your negative comments and "helpful" advice. She doesn't want you to fix everything for her. She just wants to be heard. This is just a warning to you and all men out there. There now I'm done bending your ear or eyes or whatever. Hope your relationships go well.
@@geminycricket3337 looks like ur projecting much lol
Thank you for all the compassion you put into your work ♥️ have an awesome day!
"Women aren't in science and engineering because they don't like it. It doesn't suit them. The female brain doesn't like logical analysis. The female brain likes working with relationships and emotions. There are exceptions of course, but this is generally true and an outgrowth of the physical and chemical differences between the male and female brain. Science has been done on this"
I would be interested to know if this science has been done on adult men and women who have not been bombarded with gendered social and cultural influences their entire lives?
This is a very delicate topic in my opinion and I believe masculinity and femininity are much more fluid than we are led to believe. To identify too strongly as either can be damaging as some day you may find yourself having to fulfill the role you are not socially or culturally brought up to fulfill. Whether it is providing financially or materialistically for your partner and/or children when your partner can not, or nurturing and loving you're children in a motherly way. If one identifies too strongly as masculine or feminine and are finding themselves in a situation where they have to provide what their partner traditionally should as a man or women, this could cause turmoil in the relationship. Men and women are too often fully identified with their masculinity and femininity. I believe that to dance alone and be whole as an individual we also need to hold and value our own masculinity AND femininity as an individual in whatever quantities we find in ourselves. I think this is especially hard to do as a man because society often portrays femininity as weakness and vulnerability. This is such a destructive belief. How can we possibly understand a each others masculinity and femininity if we can not understand, value or even admit to these traits in ourselves. This is not to say that men and women are physically or entirely psychologically programmed the same. There is no doubt that we have evolved to take on certain roles in creating and caring for a family. However, today, for most people in heterosexual relationships these roles are almost obsolete. Both parents can take on either or both roles and many parents do. To say that men should look for a purpose more than women who are more family orientated is both sexist and contradictory to what you have said about being whole as oneself. I believe being whole has nothing to do with sex, gender or gender roles. I believe if we stop identifying as men and women and start identifying as human beings we will then find ourselves feeling fulfilled in both ourselves and in our relationships.
I have only just found your videos Leo and the few I have watched have been very insightful and I love your no bullshit take towards psychology and self help. I am about to watch your 'How to be a man' video and am very interested in what I might find ;)
Sexist? Please... you saying that is the social conditioning right there. Go into any engineering departing in any campus in the world and see what you find. 2 women for every 100 men. Accident? Social oppression? No, just a fact which reflects women's lack of desire to study heavily logical subject matter. Are there exceptions, of course! Those 2 in 100 are the exception.
Actualized.org This may be a fact, however, using it to to justify these statements; "The female brain doesn't like logical analysis. The female brain likes working with relationships and emotions" is simply absurd. There are far too many variables involved in the brain development of men and women to use this sort of fact as scientific evidence to show that there is a genetic difference between men and women in this way. We understand that the brain is a muscle and exercising different parts builds brain tissue in those specific areas. When we practice meditation we grow the part of our brain that enables us to focus for longer periods of time etc.
So, soon after we pop out of our mothers womb we are often given a gendered name and once the goo is cleaned off us, they dress us in gendered clothing and give us gendered toys. All of this is based solely on our sexual organs which are not yet fully functional. As toddlers we are encouraged in all these ways and in the way that we are interacted with, to start to identify as a boy or as a girl and adopt all the cultural conditions that are associated with these identities. Already, different parts of our brains are being exercised based on our sex. You can not disregard this, it is so evident in society today and culture throughout history. Once, the survival of the human race was reliant upon these gendered roles but today this is far from the truth. Today gendered roles have little more purpose than creating sexual attraction that fit in with social norms.
Actualized.org Leo, I guess it does really depend on the field you are looking at.engineering or computing (either science or engineering) is filled with dudes while other fields like bioengineering or biological science is more balanced. In my group, a biological lab, I have 3 female colleagues with the same pay grade as myself, and I'm the only dude. However, there are some difference between us: despite being a biological lab, lots of work is done on computers, and I'm the most natural with such kind of work (despite not having formal training with it); my female colleagues are more natural with animal experiments.
Then I think it also depends on the social environment. Here in Singapore, where a) there is a weaker social pressure against women going to such field and b) men are conscripted for 2 year, the gender bias is weaker. in the US, I believe you see more male med school students than female; in Singapore, you see the reverse (OK, there used to be a hard-coded restriction that, I think, no more than 30% of each intake can be female med students. When the restriction is lifted, there are more female students than male). However, women doctors tend to drop out of the profession faster than men (family, marriage, child-bearing, to name) a few, you start to see more male doctors than female
Micah Dash I nearly completely agree (would phrase the part on evolvement a little more carefully)! And I especially agree on the part about being complete with both "male" and "female" traits and the conditioning part. I think, it starts with the first expectations towards young children. Expectations a child will full fill to gain the approvement of its parents. This might include simple things like girls not getting their clothes dirty, beeing calmer and boys climbing on trees or whatever. And what is the result? I think we're just beginning to understand most of this, but in the case of climbing trees more, this can mean that the child develops a better sense for a 3 dimensional space, which will later on help it to understand and imagine certain things in math! So by this we've already influenced the child's subject preferences by selecting for certain skills through our expectations of a "boy" or a "girl". As to the 2 women within 100 engineers: Correlation does not (necessarily) mean causality! Beeing born with female genitals does not make you bad in maths or science. We all have the potential to train our brains in a certain way - but in the early development we are not in control of what exactly is tought to us and what we are trained for.
Micah Dash find a life. Lol
Leo is the best! I have watched several of his Actualized videos & his lectures are amazing & have given me a lot of insight! Thank you Leo!
Awesome video! So true about being synchronised, liked the dancing metaphor to, I will definitely put this to practise with my partner. I did disagree a bit with the thing about a women's life is more relationship/family orientated, I know loads of women who are hard working and strong and don't have/need that sort of life, I think its a complete stereotype but other than that great vid! Your rad, thanks!
It is a generalization, but the average woman is far more relationship/family -oriented than the average man. Yes, there are exceptions.
this misses the whole point! are we talking about an egoistic relationship or a loving relationship? have you ever stoped to think what love actually is? feeling of excitement near another person? feeling of nervousness? sexual attraction? attraction for personality? you name it! its none of that! thats simply what happens inside yourself for your own pleasure. once it's gone? you feel bored with your relationship and things go bad. hows that love? love is much more what you do than what you feel! because when you're 90 you wont be feeling nervous or excited or aroused or stupidly smiling or contemplating the beauty of your "other half"! love is not what you feel! is what you think and what you do! love is altruism. love is being able to let the other one be the important thing. ultimately loving is being able to give your life for another person. isnt that what parents would do for their children? if you want to know what love is, don't look at futile relationships where each person is using the other as the tool of their own happiness and maybe struggling to be able to be the tool for the other one (because they dont want to be dumped). if you want to know what love is, look and parents! no matter how hard their kids fail, no matter how hard they hurt them, no matter how ugly they are, no matter how much they fail to fulfill the expectations, no matter if its not reciproque, all they want is for them to be alright and to be happy and they're ready to give their own lives away for them. and they do and they dont need to die to do it. they invest their adult lives in raising their kids and loving them. love is investment without measuring the profit. "if the other person leaves you, you can go to the bar and get someone else soon". what?!?! if the other person leaves you, you'll be so bad that the only worse thing for you would be if that other person was feeling the same as you. cause you don't want her/him to be hurt. and you wont go to the bar and get someone else! you'll be trying to make peace with your other half (other half, yes, as in fairy tails and shakespeare) if you got angry at each other. and then you'll be trying to get things back together. and what if you cant? doesnt matter! you're not measuring the profit! like a parent shouldnt be giving up on a child that isnt fulfilling their expectations. what if you lived your life loving without being loved back? it may be painful, but it may also feel good that all you ever did was to altruistically try to make to this other person as much good as you can. loving is delivering yourself. what if you dont fulfill your happiness standards? 1st - i dont think you would be happier living an egoistic life. maybe it would feel like it for some time. but what when you're old and alone or you've decided to settle for an unhappy marriage with someone you dont love (in this sense of loving)? 2nd - you're used to think that the purpose of life is to be happy. but is it? i think there are things a lot more important and a lot deeper than our own happiness. isnt it? how idealistic of me... well yes! isnt love an idealistic thing? the biggest thing we're able to do, the deepest one! i'm not saying its easy, im not saying this is what everyone wants to hear. i'm saying thats the most meaningful thing you'll ever do (so dont expect it not to be a big deal, to be easy or not be idealistic) and you should start right now! dont be like "im not ready for that" because you never will! no one feels like they're ready to die. but when it comes the time you have to die for your kids you do it, ready or not! so do it in your relationship! there's no such thing as loving short term relationships! love is for life! stick to that other person no matter what! "I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life". Think about what this means! its not like "i promise to be true in good and bad times in sickness and health to the rest of my life, unless i get bored of you or you disappoint me somehow, because then i'll get a divorce. oh and if you leave me, i know other people and i'll probably be over you sooner or later!". what you must learn is total commitment, and letting go of the self - altruism. loving is being willing to sacrifice your own well being. loving is being miserable whenever it's required. if you're lucky, the other person will love you too and your life will be the most amazing thing ever. but it's not only luck. if you do this things it's more likely that the other person will come to like you or even love you. IT DOESNT MEAN YOU SHOULD DEMAND THE OTHER PERSON TO DO THOSE THINGS IN ORDER FOR YOU TO LOVE THEM! you should give yourself to the other person and hope they'll respond to it in a loving way. but you should not demand the other person to give herself to you if they wan't you to respond in a loving way! "but that's unfair!!" yes, it's altruistic! the only truly good advice in this video is the one about honesty! be ethically correct with your significant other! be respectful, ready to apologize, ready to enjoy every good moment to the maximum instead of taking it as granted, be willing to suffer if necessary, be ready to forgive EVEN if you're not asked to, let go of anything that's interfering with the other person's well being and don't force her or try to make her feel bad for not letting go of things that are interfering with your own well being, don't demand to be loved back!!! you have to really embrace an altruistic way of thinking. if you're lucky, you may get to have kids with that other person and then you'll multiply the number of people you'll be willing to commit yourself to! there's nothing more beautiful than this! sometimes it's a really sad story, but beauty is better than happiness! (i mean beauty in actions! don't judge other people and specially the one you love by physical beauty or attractiveness. IT WILL GO AWAY)
search for this online comic strip called buni. it pretty much defines love. you're supposed to be that rabbit!! think positive and never give up!!
I have a co-dependent relationship, but we had a good long talk and we're both working on being independent people :)
Thank you so much.
Particularly about giving without expecting to get back. Of course, we expect to receive back, but, if I don't receive back, it means we are not right for each other and I move on.
Leo I love these free programs. I'm arguably addicted. I'm afraid that if I continue, I might be required to be hooked up to a wire and speaking into a tin can. I am at present a penniless
What intelligent helpful words I believe my relationship has been codependant I was selfish not giving enough
And now we are on a break she says she no longer loves me and she needs to find herself remember who she is
So must give her space and improve myself to let the love rebloom and be generous I do feel I need her but I want her to be happy because of my direct actions thank you so much this video has touched home and helped me realise what else I need to work on
You came into my life at the perfect time, if you ever I mean ever have a day that you think you arnt changing someone's life that's fuck n bullshit! You changed my life and because of that I am a better person only because I was seeking, PLEASE keep up the excellent work! And sincerely THANK YOU!
Thank you so much Leo for taking the time to make this amazing videos your advice wisdom are priceless
Hi Leo , I understand from your videos that thee most important thing for sustaining a good relationship is to be in love with yourself and understand that there is nothing that the other person can offer you that you cannot offer yourself. Only then you will not be needy . But this negates the whole purpose of being in a relationship. A person wants be in a relationship because he/she wants love companionship admiration. If i convince myself that i do not need anyone for my hapiness then why would i go out there and try to find a partner because according to you i dont need anyone.
Yup, it is like getting a loan. If you really need one, you will not get one. If you don't need one, you'll have a mailbox full of offers.
Such is life.
I am in my first official relationship and we known each other for 11 years and been going out for three. I felt like it was a bit too early for us to start dating but I did want to continue. I just didn't know WHAT MAKES A HEALTY RELATIONSHIP since it was my first REAL relationship.and even the tips you gave here really helped me out a lot. Lml 20 years old and still learning this. I would love to get married to him but i also want to know whats right in keeping my relationship a healthy one. Thanks yours videos are amazingly helpful 😊😊 keep it up!
Wow I have been watching your videos all day they are amazing help which I have been needing most of my adult life.I know now why I am divorced and have had many failed relationship since. Thank you so much for opening my eyes. Really looking forward to a healthy fun sexy new relationship.
Not to be overly melodramatic, but in all seriousness, this video might just have saved my life.
dude you are the best adviser !! hope you keep working and helping people how to live and think !! great job my friend
I LOVE all your videos! You are so influential and the topics you cover are very interesting and one of a kind!! You rockkk!
you are awesome man! your videos leave me with more understanding and clarity than the year I just spent in therapy!
I have always been happy on my own following my passion and succeeding in life. But when I met her, the anxiety attacked and I am seeking cure before it destroys my life and hers.
Leo you are something else!!! You are saving lives
Maintaining friendships especially same sex friendships is key to a long term relationship. Making or maintaining opposite sex relationships with the idea of them being replacement options will lead to just that. Replacing is always easier then maintaining.
So, does that mean I'm in a healthy relationship because I study it? I don't even have to, I enjoy studying it, and many times it has saved my relationship, which I know. But I didn't know how important it was, I have heard of it as a thing you had to do, so it was kind of amazing to hear that my interest in love actually helps my relationship. At the moment I'm with the most lovely girl, and even if stupid things happen, I have often already read about it and know what is wrong and right to do. I have maid mistakes, but I mostly found out not long after, and my partner is happy for how much I know. She walks in my footsteps to follow me and be comfortable at the same time, and so far, I'm the one who starts, and so she will end it with her own choice. An example could be that I ask if I can kiss her a specific place, and then it is up to her if I can do it or not. Often I know what is good and bad about that kiss, because I studied it.
Spot on. Wish I was aware of this 20yrs ago.
So what are your thoughts on gay relationships? I really enjoy your videos but as a gay man, I feel rejected when you cover topics on relationships that border on some "phobic" ideals.
Hoping you can make a video explaing your beliefs and if you can connect with a possible gay subscriber.
I too would love some insight here. I have been watching these videos for a few weeks, and I've had several mental and emotion breakthroughs based on many of these ideas, but as a queer woman I am very off put by the completeness of the heteronomativity, and how your ideas of masculinity ans feminity seem to be categories, which I just heard you discourse against yesterday when I was watching the "needy vs non needy" video.
Everything you talk about help me see wear I have gone wrong with my relationship thank you
To some people, the more time they spend each other, the more deeply they know each other, the more they love each other, but sadly not everyone is that kind of person