7 Signs They Are "THE ONE"
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- Опубліковано 6 січ 2024
- How can we KNOW if someone is the right partner for us? Regardless of whether we're seriously dating someone or thinking about marriage, there are certain traits that NEED to be present in them and in ourselves in order to ever have a successful relationship. These are those traits.
How to get HER in the MOOD (funny)
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#premarriagecounseling #relationshipproblems #datingadvice
1. safety
2. trust, respect (you and your boundaries), kindness (and vulnerable sharing)
3. integrity (personal accountability, no secret keeping, apologies without excuses)
4. shared values, compatibility (religion, politics, kids, inlaws, money, sharing chores,...)
5. empathy (ability to see the world through he other's eyes)
6. interested in growth, healing and emotional maturity (open to working on it if things get tough)
7. friend
Thank you.
Thank you so much for the summary. Very helpful
This should be taped in every home. 😊
"apologies without excuses" sounds fine but some excuses are valid. I think what people mean in general when they scornfully use the word "excuse" is actually blame shifting.
These people talk and talk instead of listing the reason they are presenting.
Sending this to my husband, not because he does anything wrong, but to tell him he's amazing and does a lot of these already. Hi husband if you see this 👋
Hi wife! Thank you! You're always so good to me! I love you!
This is so wholesome 🤧
Awwww this is so sweet
God bless you both ❤
You are so cute
May Allah keep your relationship good and amazing as it is
This is not just romantic relationships, it also helps a lot with parent/child relationships. Listening, being empathetic, taking responsibility for behaviour , showing mutual respect- it all matters with every relationship in life.
Too true,
Friendships came to mind
I agree
Yes!
❤
I agree and after watching this video I realized my child just wasn't the one. Found him a nice foster family last weekend.
I’m 17 and am trying to prepare myself to be a good partner for when I actually find somebody, and these videos have been so eye opening.
Good for you. I wish I had this info 40+ years ago.
You are AWESOME for educating yourself about relationships when you're only 17! Most of us only start in our 40's after one or two divorces LOL. You are going to make your partner VERY LUCKY someday!
me tooooo
I'm 18!
That’s so cool to hear :) I’ll share my own two cents from what I’ve learned and wished I knew when I was that age. In short:
Whether you believe in ”the one” or not, the person you might spend a large bunch of your life with will have flaws. It’s important for you both to aknowledge their and your flaws, compromise, and be better. To show we care we can show effort and patience by listening and communicating around these issues, and you can’t usually make things better instantly. But keeping that in mind, know your value and stand up for yourself when you feel things could be different.
“Love, love, is a *verb,* love is a _doing_ word..”
- Massive Attack, Teardrop
That is EXACTLY what I always say! Love is an action... Well, many actions❤
No love is a descriptor, which embodies types, actions and phycological intent. As such in the English it malpresents it's true nature friendship, charity, family, lover, husband, wife and the one that can not be translated with one word Is Agape an unconditional love.
Yet in English love is abused, to tell someone that they are your friend specifies the type of love but to tell that friend that you love them can be misconstrued and make them recoil, yet it is the same thing. So love and it's type is put in a single box and only let out at specific times
"Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now." -Fred Rogers
The version of José Gonzáles is beautiful too, worth a listen.
Aurora sang it soo beautifully
After losing my partner of decades ( this week was the second anniversary of his passing), I’m gauging how ready I am to move on. And then I found you. My marriage was not perfect but it was damn good and I started listening to you to figure out what we got right, how we did that, and what we could have done better. After hours of listening, it has been illuminating. I miss him so! But he would be right there, cheering me on. This particular video has been enormously helpful in clarifying my thoughts. I downloaded it so I can revisit it frequently. Wish me well. I have every intention of making lightening strike twice.
❤
My heartfelt condolences!!❤️🩹🙏❤️🩹 I, too, am here doing the same! My hubby has been beside me in spirit for three years, now. I'm *just* now getting to a point where I can imagine, *one day!*, being interested in letting a new person in. Lol. And I absolutely wanna be more prepared this time around. Our relationship wasn't "bad," but there were plenty of areas it could have been better. So, before I go dipping my toes in the "pool of potential parners," I wanna make damn sure I'm an *excellent* swimmer this time around! Lol. Bc, after all, we're here for a good time, not a long time.🌟💖🌟
So very sorry for your loss. ❤
I love to read your message 🤩
Sorry for your loss..It is Such a gift finding the right mindset in a partner! I finally found it, 7 yrs after getting out of a marriage with an emotionally Immature/Stunted partner. They're out there! Best of luck on your journey 🙏
2:07 There is no One
4:10 Safety
6:43 Trust
9:13 Kindness
11:54 Integrity
15:05 Shared values
17:34 Empathy
20:38 Growth & Counselling
thanks so much!
helpful thanks 🤲
Thank you so much!!🤗
And enjoy
Could 100% be an actual album's tracklist, probably reggae or some conscious hip hop
As a marriage /family therapist of 52 years, I love the vital ingredients of healthy relationships of which Jimmy speaks! His message is so significant to the viability of a healthy relationship; his talk has so many pearls of wisdom! This man is so right on!
Do you feel like a relationship can work if you have different political opinions?
imo...if that are fanatical and that is a huge passion of theirs and they get upset about the opposing view...um; no
and everything inbetween is highly nuanced imo
two people can have opposite views on politics and respectfully agree to disagree; if that's not possible then ...um; no @@randomfandom2516
I agree!
No @@randomfandom2516
It depends how important politics are to you and how it affects your lifestyle
Having been divorced twice, I knew there were deficits in our relationships but I thought love would see us through. Love simply is not enough. This is an exceptional video that all couples should watch before deciding to marry.
Agreed!!!
So agree!!! Great great great video🙌👏🙏
So true, been there done that😢
@10:15 100% Why my last relationship failed. He would pay attention to his phone over me then want affection after ignoring me. IF I had the audacity to mention feeling snubbed, he went into victim mode, every time. I learned not to share my feelings and he never asked about them. In the 3.5 yrs we were together I do not remember him starting a conversation 1x. It was always me, and after the first 1.5 yrs all attemps to communicate that I felt unsafe sharing my feelings, were always met with defensiveness, projection and accusation. So I stopped trying to communicate. The last 7 months were beyond toxic. "Relationships die in the conversations that were never had." So much truth. Thank you Jimmy. There is a lot of good guidance here.
I'm sorry you went through that. I went thru similar behavior from my exhus too. Take time to heal. It's a different type of healing if you recognize that you were with a narcissist.
@@kTorres007 I don't believe he is a Narcissist although he was behaving like one. More DPD than NPD. In his eyes I was responsible for all his feelings and thoughts. Either way it was toxic. I am continuing to look within and hold myself accountable for the fact that I saw all the red flags and reasoned them away. I am 100% responsible for beginning every conversation. I never left him responsible for his communication because it was too uncomfortable to wait for him to address something that he never would. I am healing. Though at 56 I doubt I will ever enter into another romantic relationship. I have yet to see a benefit.
What made you stay in that relationship for so long?
#1 the first 1.5 years we're great.
#2 he took a toxic job and became depressed
#3 his dad died and he became further depressed.
I was trying to be supportive and hold space for him during trying times for him, and decided to give it 1 more year for him to pull out of the funk.
The last 7 months were when he finally got into counseling and I wanted to give it a chance.
@@krystleklarity it’s hard to help men who are depressed and insecure and won’t see it…
....Love doesn't make the difference, how you love is what makes the difference.....
The boundaries are important and this is so spot on. I'm tired of feeling unimportant and devalued.
I feel you. ❤ And what I have learned through these years is that boundaries has to be set from that person to whom are crossed to. We that have problems with boundaries are tend to wait people to see for themselves that they are ceossing boundaries. Well.... that's not gonna happen. WE have to set them. For us. WE have to learn how to protect US from somebody or somebodys behaviour.
Rooting for you. ❤
Oh gosh. I didn't realize that I have so much to improve on how I treat my partner. Over the years with my partner, I've become a better person and this made me feel that it's never too late to change. I've started looking into myself more evaluating if it's me. I can attest that there's so much more to a relationship than love, and both should work to keep the relationship a safe place for both. Thank you for this wonderful video!
You and me both.
You are a wonderful husband. A good spouse realizes that there is room for improvement.
May I ask what made you start looking into yourself? And how was that at the beginning? I’m super curious :) also: high fives!! Sounds like you’re on a great path :)
@@lockenkopfjulie referring to me or original comment?
@@lockenkopfjulie I have always blamed my childhood trauma for behaving erraticly. I wasn't a monster but with that reason I thought that I can get away with having a bad mood or two. Then my partner would always say that it hurts when I act that way which I didn't understand before. My partner repeated that for a number of times and I didn't understand because I thought I should be the one hurting. Then I realized that some things should stay in the past to no longer hurt the present. I realized that with the childhood trauma going nowhere, it only hurts my partner when I have it. So I started forgiving my past and confronted my childhood trauma. I looked into my actions and evaluated them as a third person. I realized that my childhood trauma should've been only haunting me, and not my partner. It's a work on progress, on myself, and my partner gradually became happier. My partner has always been very patient and I have always asked myself how come I can't be like that.
The "One" to me is someone who supports me in creating a safe, loving space to express how we feel and how to help each other get our needs met to the best of our ability. Now if I could just meet my "One". 😊
They're out there.. you concentrate on getting yourself to the level you want your partner to be at, once you're there & practicing these methods, you will feel it / notice it in others. I found it after getting out of a marriage with an emotionally immature partner. It did take some time, but I finally found a man with all of these qualities & more! So very thankful ❤
Communication isn't the key, empathy is.
Yes!!
Not if it’s one sided! which it usually is! equal empathy is key I reckon. Great video!
Your video came in a perfect time. I’m thinking of leaving a two year relationship. He’s actually a great guy and has grown so much. I’ve even sent him some of your videos and watched them. Truth is, he still is inconsistent in making me a priority. His promises just seem empty words now. He’s a nice man, but isn’t ready for loving me how I want to be loved.
Thank you for saying “how” your loved is important.
Same 😢 3.5 years of empty words. It’s making me feel unworthy and ashamed. I know I deserve more. But it’s so hard to walk away when promises never happen. It’s becoming mental torture and so toxic.
Do it at two years and 3.5 years, don't invest ten years ...
@@CoralBalmoral I'm 20 years in .. i can't get out.
Coral I’m so sorry 😢 love can hurt beyond words! My best girlfriend died before Christmas but I know she would be screaming at me to leave him! Love should be patient, kind and gentle. Not toxic, controlling, manipulative and full of lies and broken promises.
@@charlieann6321pls get your ducks in a row (quietly, don’t say anything to your partner), and pls get out. If your bestie would scream at you, you know what to do. My sister saved me. Sending love. 💙
My boyfriend and I are planning to get married but I’m increasingly frustrated with him. I realised after listening to you that he lacks kindness, empathy, and frequently blame-shifts (accusing me back when I’m upset w him until he makes me cry), becomes defensive, and gives me the silent treatment when we have a conflict. I’m increasingly getting very weary trying to teach him how to be emotionally mature. He says he’s trying to change and grow. But I’m not sure if I should continue this…so tired of this recurrent behaviour…
I can promise you- all of that will get worse if you marry him.
@@meghanviola3037 get out my friend
Marrying for physical attraction is not good. It is important to have emotional, temporal and spiritual support.
Girl, the writing is on the wall. Do not let your youth go to waste.
I came from this exact situation, and now I’m in a relationship with the exact opposite.
Please leave. Yes. It’ll be painful.
But you’ll have peace. You’ll heal.
And that opens up space for someone who is healthy, safe, and emotionally available to come along and love you properly.
Life is too short to be treated that way.
Thank you for this. I am engaged and this has given me a lot to consider and remember. I was in a marriage with a narcissist for 14 years and am now engaged in a healthy relationship. It’s actually kind of weird. I’m having to learn how to function in a healthy relationship and it’s all new.
Blessings! You got dis.
If you do not figure out that the issue isn't that you were with a narcissist but that you attracted one, you will soon start seeing the same trends in your current partner when you were/are the problem all along.
@@joetheboy04 Oh no doubt, I have no one to blame but myself. But he was the first and only narcissist I’ve ever been in a relationship with. My first husband was nothing like that. And my current boyfriend is nothing like that. Several years of therapy has definitely helped, too. Narcissists are really good at what they do he convinced me to keep coming back for 14 years. Until he finally left me for another woman. I really feel sorry for her too. But yes, I chose to believe his lies, I chose to keep going back to him. I was the cause of my problems, because I knew it was never going to get better, no matter how convincing he was.
@@millypooh3996DON'T EVER blame Your self to staying with the narcissist... cause as You say and that's the truth - a narcissist are MASTER's of Manipulation who-ever-they-meet 😒 I know and even the every one who is professional psycologisth knows that!
Why I know it? Cause I had several normal and healthy relationships and had also been married with a healthy and normal man for 21 year - but we divorced. 1 year after the divorce I met a covert narcissist and of course I didn't understand that he was an NPD ... that he discovered at the beginning as narcs always do - they are experts of manipulation. So it took me about 10 years until I was strong enough to discard him and left that toxic relationship. But ... I did it and by myself 💥👊👍
After that it took me a couple of years to heal my self, built up my self and my boundiries (again) and today 10 years after I left him I'm in peace and harmony. I have read a lot of litterature of NPD, co-dependency (me as an empath) etc and all of Read Flags. I know today how I NOT gonna to be snared into a toxic relationship again but it isn't easy to find a normal and healthy partner...
I am singel (still or should I say: yet!?) because I feel comfortable in my own company even if I do not gonna to say No to an partner. Love comes if it is ment to bee or otherwise - it isn't ment 😅
But I NEVER EVER feel that it was MY fault that HE (the narcissist) chose me or it that is MY fault that HE abused and manipulated Me.
No Way. The guilt is his and only his what he did to me or too other of his victims. And it will always bee that!
**Last year 2023 in february he died. 55 years old only. Alone in his flat in multiple diagnosis caused by his alcoholism. I am still aliwe - 64 years old for now.
I had not been taught how to PROPERLY love myself/others, and wish that this EXTREMELY important information was a part of all schools curriculums & parenting! Considering that connection is the #1 thing that a humans life revolves around, you would think that this would be the most important part of schooling:.... MAKE IT HAPPEN❕
I agree. This stuff should be taught in schools. Hopefully Jimmy gets an opportunity to get these videos into a school curriculum.
The act of opening one's mouth and making noise isn't communicating- that just speech. Communicating is when both people are hearing and understanding and responding correctly.
I'm really grateful to have found your channel.
As a man who just got out of a 6 year relationship since highschool, I've felt quite lost on what I want for my own future and what I want from someone else in my future as well. Your content has helped me figure out how I should be better so that it paths a path of what I want out of my next relationships and what type of man I want to be.
Too often, men are introduced to super toxic styles of 'Self help' and 'Relationship' content which doesn't hold them accountable, but when I watch your videos I feel as though you cover all ends without directing blame towards the other person.
Your content is not only good for romantic relationships but just relationships in general. I feel like I can much better communicate with my close friends and family with a lot of the key talking points you covered in this video. Thanks for being real and helping throughout my journey.
This comment is so good. Sometimes people listen to the videos and feel personally attacked.
I feel you! I also just got out of a 6 year relationship, and when I found Jimmy's channel it was like a huge hug I've been needing. I don't blame my ex anymore, because I see so much of what I was doing wrong, as well. This channel makes me want to be a better partner, friend, and co-worker. So grateful other people feel the same 🙏🏼
For me, the one is that person who I can be myself with. I don't hope that they fix me, I hope they recognize that I need help and stay with me while I cure myself.
Don't know wow to explain my thoughts
I’m so sad for myself watching this. Married almost 20 years and yet very much alone. Had all the right conversations in the beginning and then it deteriorated into what I can only describe as a roommate situation.
Really sorry to hear this.
Though it’s no reason to give up on this. Also don’t just accept a relationship with which you’re not happy and fulfilled. I wish you success and hope and power ❤
You might want to consider that you are better off alone.
I had to do this. 22 years of marriage and I left. It was so toxic in the last 10 years. I felt myself dying inside. I had physical problems from his negativity. Back surgery, double knee surgery, stomache issues, sinus trouble. Sleeping was difficult, my nerves were frazzled.
7 Months out and my stomache problems gone. I am working and going to the gym. My legs are strong and my back is strong now. I am getting mentally stronger too.
I pray you can find a way to live in peace. It wasn't easy, but it was worth it. ❤❤God be with you.
When my husband cheated on me 3weeks post partum and blamed me for his behavior, I had a severe depression after my tough journey at the Psych unit when I was partially healing I asked him to come with me to couple counseling he said “I’ll go with you if you want but I don’t need it” I never asked him again and now we are divorced.
I wish he could come across your video before he sent me down the hill.
Thank you for sharing such important tips ❤
I am so so sorry you had to go through that, hope you don’t take offense but I’m glad you divorced him, seems like he was a selfish and horrible human, I’m glad you were able to see that you don’t need him. You are a beautiful person and you deserve to be loved and cared for. Wish you nothing but happiness! 💕
@@isabellaa.4643 Thank you for your kind words. Happily divorced and actually doing better on all levels with my child . I wish you nothing but success and happiness ❤️
So sorry. So glad you are free from emotional abuse.
@@kathleengainor8532 Thank You ❤️
Lovely lady.
“Having children with someone is a big deal.” YES. When we are choosing a spouse or even just a significant other we have to ways be asking ourselves, “Can this person help me raise children?” And even if you think they would be great at rearing children, we can’t discount how they treat us, because that is a huge factor.
The best way to love your child is to love your spouse. Is this person going to be honest, faithful, loving, respectful? Because if you find out later that they are a cheater or a compulsive liar and you’re already married with a child, that will have massive implications for your children. Don’t ignore even the smallest red flag, and especially not to save the person’s feelings by not breaking up with them and allowing the relationship to turn into a marriage, because one day that red flag could turn out to be who they actually are, and could affect your children, even just through hurting you. Protect your future children, date with your eyes wide open. This video is so good and needed.
This👆👆👆!!! Listen to someone caught in this with 4 kids and 17 yrs of a difficult marriage…
Listen to this advice above.
I wish I had and not jumped into marriage and healed so I could recognize red flags and work on my issues.
I grew from them. My spouse keeps going back to what feels safe on a vicious cycle.
Our kids see it and I hate it.
The first question is IF they want children
One thing that I've learned over the years is that "perfect" is a word that literally means the unachievable. Everyone's ideas of what they see as "perfect" are often subjective. Instead, every day, I aim to simply be a little better than The day I was before. There's always something new to learn, a new level of mastery, a new skill to pick up. I may not be able to do everything, but I don't need to. I just need to do better.
After gaining this perspective, I also began to understand that expecting perfection out of someone else is delusional and unrealistic. It can also be cruel, as it can lead to you wanting to force people around you to change according to your unrealistic standards.
Making an effort to stay in shape/be physically healthy over a long period of time is a resonable standard.
Expecting to be happy every second of svery day is not.
Making some time to prioritize connection and intimacy between your partner, as well as a bit of time for yourself every once in a while is a reasonable standard.
Expecting to have mind-blowing sex all the time across the course of your lives when you have kids together, you're each working a job and you're dead tired after every day is an unreasonable standard.
Wanting to have your own sense of individuality even as part of a collective is reasonable and actually, very important.
Expecting to have every interest you have line up perfectly with your partner's interests is an unrealistic standard.
Wanting to feel loved, respected, and treasured is more than reasonable.
Expecting things to always be peachy is unrealistic.
Thing's will never be perfect, we can just make them as good as possible
Setting high value relationship standards has been one of the most difficult decisions of my entire life, but it's also the most mature and healthy decision I've made.
I actually made a list and I keep it always at sight so I don't forget (because when we're learning something new we normally tend to forget).
Keep doing this Jimmy, you're literally saving lives ❤
What are some of these values if you don't mind me asking?
It really helps when you give actual examples of the things that we should and shouldn't be doing - it might seem obvious to some, but I don't know what 'being vulnerable with my partner' looks like unless you say it's when you... Thanks so much 😊🙏 btw I love your funny videos too, I sometimes laugh out loud 😂
Agree!
Watch his shorts. A lot of specific examples.
They’re other videos that talk about being vulnerable with your partner.
4:10 Safety 5:40
6:44 Build Trust
8:08 Respect
9:10 Consistently Kind & Selflessness
10:13 mutual admiration
11:54 Integrity & Honesty & Communication
15:05 Shared values
17:33 Empathy
20:40 when things get tough, can you get counselling together?
23:50 avoiding pain in every way = fear
He's like the best friend we all should have found years ago but we're still grateful we found him recently
@WfweDcrf yes, why? Lol
I don't believe in "the one" or a "soulmate" either. On a planet of billions of people, I find it hard to believe that the one is in the same small city as me.
man, I am/have been the toxic one! 😵💫 ... and my relationship with myself is bad, I don't take good care of myself. Instead of getting better at it, I've just stayed single for the past 10 years. I'll try harder and keep going to therapy. Thanks, Jimmy, for sharing all that wisdom.
Proud of you for owning it. :) Owning it is the first step for improvement-- good job :)
Without Empathy you could have a Narcissist, if they are quick to criticize and judge others you could have a Narcissist. Get past the charm.
After my relationship failed without warning I was so clueless as to why they left me until I started watching jimmy and others and doing my own research and oh boy I realized how hurtful I was being with out even realizing it. It broke my heart even more when I realized I was mainly the problem but now I know what I need to work about myself in order to be a better person and partner because I never want to hurt someone like that again its worst than any physical pain I still love him with all my heart were talking a little bit again maybe one day we can try again but that foundation of safety is going to be hard to get back.
You may never know how much you hurt someone until you see things from their views. I've made lots of mistakes due to emotional detachment and hearing Jimmy say all of this, I really feel more terrible than I did before.
I wish there will be a turnaround and second chance to really make things work. I'm willing to put in the work to keep him, I wish he would too😢
This is essentially the beauty of marriage! A happy and healthy relationship doesn't come naturally... it takes lots of learning and work but that's what brings growth to you, your partner and the relationship and you can earn the bond that is irreplaceable.
I liked your words:....earn the bond that is irreplaceable.
To all who wonder, the "one" is not a magical fantasy person that is "specifically " made for you or your "soulmate."
They are the person you "decide" to be with. As in, you choose who "the one" is. Whoever you marry is "the one."
I’ve truly met my soulmate after years of horrible relationships. Some of us do find our actual other half.
@@WiltedKuwaitSalad thats simply not true at all. You just have abetter meter for finding a better partner.
@@MochaZillaNot to mention her partner, upon meeting her, was also able to discern well. We don't exist in a vacuum.
Really like how you put that~👍
@@helenaquin1797 exactly 💯 and thank you 😊
Good advice: whatever is a red flag in dating will be 10x more important in marriage. Like the example used of having kids, empathy, habits, personality tendancies, etc.
Feeling like I found "the one" was what kept me in a very unhealthy relationship for way too long. And he would really lean into this idea of "we just are meant to be. There is no other person for me out there but you," while really not putting any effort into being a better partner.
This was the single most important step of growing up for me I have ever taken. I took several years after that relationship when I just dated but didn't have a longer-term relationship. I took the time to feel better and find some sort of respect for myself that I then could take into the relationship I have now with my husband/father of my children. It was such a revelation when this relationship just seemed to "fall into place," as opposed to all the struggles before.
It's not like we never fight but it's never disrespectful and ugly.
Together 21 years on February 18, ‘24! Married 19 in August 2023. We both came from broken families. We just decided to elope at the courthouse and do everything opposite of our divorced parents. ❤
Passion attraction isn't enough to keep people together love comes with respect honor Trust compassion understanding so on and so forth that's how people build a relationship and then the passion from that love grows
There are no soul mates. "The One" does not exist. One person can never give you all the things you think you need. At most, the right person can give you a lot & bring you peace instead of pain. 🌻
Haven’t found anyone who is willing to show up and put in the work to have a healthy relationship. 💜
So step one, make a new friend....Thank you, Jimmy. I just recently found your channel. Five years out from a very toxic 18-year marriage. Not my first one. You're right. It all starts with me. I thought I might be ready to start dating. I think I'll just begin with baby steps and look to connect with my (brand new) community via volunteering and make some friends, instead. Blessings.
This is amazing! I have shared it with my adult kids and my friends. There is so much truth here. This should be shown in premarital counseling.
So true!
Indeed!
amen I am sharing this
Should be shown in highschool. Not everyone gets any premarital counseling. And some people lie
His argument is, "You should know... I shouldn't have to tell you." Got it. 👌
I hate that, completely unfair
This is really encouraging, thank you.
I want to remind everyone when these things mentioned above are not reciprocated, you are not loved. It is not you the person that they want, respect, and care for. You are either one of the following dysfunctional roles; punching bag, broken mirror, free counsellor service, mother, father, garbage bin. If you have any more examples, please share them!
He is right, more love does not fix anything. If there is even a chance for change, if at all possible, it is the counterintuitive decision to move away and love from a distance so that they can reflect, have a chance to miss you if they even would, and then reflect (again if they even see a problem in them). If and when they come back, it will be with a heart of change, not with the same positions demanded or required of you as listed above.
I am in a relationship with the same human being for almost 16 years (4 of them married and as a parent to our child). And while there are ups and downs - and sometime heavy downs - I can really say that I have found my ONE. We can work it out everytime, no matter the hardships. Not because we are perfect, but because we aren't and we allow ourselves and the other one to simply not ahving to feel the need to be perfect. We try really hard to make the other feel heard, seen and loved. And I can see how important this is, when I see my child reproducing this behavior we model. Being loving, empthatic, understanding, kind. Oh man I love this familiy. Nevertheless I really love your videos and your channel because I can still use a lot of you insights to be a better partner and parent to my children. Thank you for your video!
Thought I'll find something about my partner in this video, but it actually showed me that I was the one not doing enough for him. Thanks for bringing that to my attention, I want to get better so I'll try my best to have an honest conversation today!
I discovered your posts a little while ago and have found them to be so incredibly valuable and genuinely insightful. This video is a jewel - for serious romantic relationships, but also for any great relationships with people you care about. That includes ourselves. Please continue because this is so valuable. Thank you. 🙏👍💕
@ilianamunoz perfectly said
I think I struggle to feel feelings.
I mean I love people and find joy in bringing others joy. But I am reluctant to get into romantic relationships. I never expect people to truly love and respect me. So I am stand offish. Now I'm trying to remedy that but not yet allowing my heart to open and be vulnerable.
Hence watching these videos
Keep working on yourself. All the best!
I have been there too, my friend. It took several years of therapy for me to undo the suppressed feelings. It's important to feel them or else you will hit a tipping point.. I wish you the best on your journey. I know that you have what you need within you already.
Thank you for the encouragement and all the best to each of you.
might be avoidant/fearful avoidant attachment style
Felt you bud, in a new relationship and trying to be more attentive rather than avoidant and nervous. I wish you luck homie, we can do this
I'm really blessed that my guy and I have all of this. It doesn't mean that we won't hit bumps, but we've been building an amazing relationship thus far, and I believe our marriage will be beautiful!
This is the most perfect video I've ever seen on relationships. You explain things beautifully with easy to understand examples. Thank you for these videos and I sincerely hope this video/your channel blows up in views. This video is an invaluable learning resource that everyone should watch at least once.
We are our own goodies, "the one".
Yes. Step 1 is truly safety. Do you feel safe? Have you ever felt safe?
Yeah, I have been working on making peace with myself first for years. I am a much better company to myself now.
Lovely! I remember the moment I told myself I would pick me for my team.
@@recoveringsoul755 are you safe now?
Thank you Jamie for this video. I shared it with my daughter who is separated currently.
For me, it really solidified some things in my marriage of 35 years. I totally believe in therapy/counseling. We are always learning and growing. Have a blessed day.
Thank you for this!
Listened to the list and couldn't help crying. I have gotten avoidant to the point where I have given up on relationships altogether. Only the bare minimum: my mom and my daughter. And I'm alertly keeping the distance with them as well. All the beautiful things like security, respect, kindness and integrity are something out of a fairytale. I strive to make sure my family feels safe, respected and accepted with kindness for what they are, but I rarely feel these things reciprocated. And if my closest people can`t find it in them to be kind and respectful why should any other person on the planet be expected to respect my boundaries or be kind to me? Oh, well, I'm too far gone to be helped. But thank you for your videos. It's comforting to hear my feelings verbalized.
No one is too far gone to be helped !!
It's all about first working on yourself.
The only person expected to respect your boundaries is you - a boundary isn't telling the other what you want them to do/change, but informing them of how you'd like to be treated and what you will do if it's not the case, and do it every time.
There's so much solace to be found in working on yourself, for yourself, and not depending on others for kindness - it's about giving it to yourself first, then you can find people who will give it to you, and stop wanting it from people who don't.
You are not too far gone. I have experienced what you have described with all those closest to me (parents, kids,marriage, friendship). For me(not necessarily for you) I had to go no contact with everyone in my life. Unfortunately they were all toxic, narcissist or one sided relationships. (I do still hope to renew a relationship with my kids). Fast forward 18 months later I have six good friends that actually are the "fairytales" you mentioned. They love me, are kind, remember my birthday. We've had tough conversations and we are still here. It's not the easiest when trauma and old unhealthy patterns have been the norm but it's possible. Prayer for you that you find the same thing in your family and in friendships 🙏.
@@Lulu-Godsbeloved thank you so much 🌟
Keep looking - there is someone out there who understands and will love you for you. You deserve reciprocity at the barest minimum. Blessings and hugs 💙
I learned a lot of these things after going through the worst relationship ever when I was in my 50s. I've reflected since about how many times he dropped clues about who and what he really was. I failed to give those clues the weight I should have.
Love is respect, care, support, and thinking of someones best interests and taking consideration for their needs and wants. Sadly most people confusion attraction, infatuation, and admiration for love.
You made my cry for exactly 31 min and 21 seconds. Your insides to relationships is amazing. 🎉😊
Thank you!
wow. I'm going through a bad breakup, and I've realized that he did not have several of these traits (respect, safety, kindness, empathy). I see that there was no way we could have worked out, when I was trying to understand his perspective and feelings and he felt like my perspective was entirely wrong and irrational.
I'm 49 years old and on my 2nd divorce. The feelings of failure and not being lovable associated with that are incredibly intense and painful. This video popped upm i figured, "Eh... why not?"
I'm only ½ way through the video. I can honestly say that so far everything mentioned is 100% on point. I see clearly how everyone failed in a myriad of ways. It has been difficult but worthwhile. However, it did hit a little too close to home. Got me a little triggered. I need a break. I'll watch the rest later.
Be your own best friend first. We in fact can't give what we don't have.
I have read about friendship and there are funky feelings when you realize you are not even being a good friend to you. Easy fix when you look for it.
We can learn what we can give by being present with others.. witnessing the kindness others are gracious enough to extend to us..
I’m so thankful to have found your channel Jimmy! 💜 3.5 years of a relationship which has become full of broken promises and manipulation. I have moved home, job, been kept away from my grown up children, made to change my phone number, not speak to any of my male friends. He is ethnic, still lives with his parents at 35 but won’t move forward despite promising to do so. I can’t suffer anymore. I deserve more!
I was kinder during our occasional fights prior to some big issues. Now I’m so tired and wore down I just stopped biting my tongue and the respect is fading. 11 years together and not sure what to do now.
This was excellent! Very insightful, clear, concise and well said...I love Dr. Gottman as well! Don't forget his 4 predictors OF divorce as well: The 4 Horseman of the Apocolypse
1. Criticism
2. Defense
3. Contempt
4. Stonewalling
These 4 WERE in my previous 29 yr marriage for over half of it.....brilliant and painful fully true!
Absolutely!! I go over them in another video about how to stop fighting in your relationship :)
Omg that's exactly what I always say!!! If you're gonna love somebody you gotta be OK with suffering. Not only cus it might end, but because you're gonna miss them when you're apart, you're gonna have misunderstanding or go through difficulties. But most importantly because when you tell somebody you love them, you're telling them: You matter to me. What happens to you, what you do, what you say to me will affect me.
A therapist can't beat you Bud. Old lady South Africa
7.35 spot on description of how. my husband treats me. He wasn’t always this way. These characteristics need to be present in any family relationship too. My mother in law is rude and insensitive and I really don’t want to be around her any longer.
It gives me great joy to see the younger generation working this w/these issues. While your working it out, little eyes are watching your negotiations and see this is how to IRON OUT the work out of living together to go forward in harmony.
I've never even been in a serious relaionship before but this has already been so insightful, more so about myself and my own flaws and shortcomings when identifying these common relationships problems listed. Thanks for all the valuable information!!
I think your videos are great. Some videos out here just show case men as the problem. But forget they learned about relationships from the same people we did our parents, and there are a lot of generational bad examples. Communication is the only way to have positive changes. Because our children are going to learn from watching us, what a healthy happy relationship is. I have noticed my man does do some of those positive things that I did notice or took for granted, and I did some of those negative things to him. I feel our relationship was already in a good place, but it is getting better.
Every one of your videos resonates so much with me and helps me realize that I was right in leaving my past relationship. This is another one that made me cry because you define so well what I really wanted in a relationship to begin with and help me see the deficits in the past. Thank you.
I just want to tell you thank you! You deserve the biggest hug for this! My partner and I are growing with each other and individually, it's not always easy, but we really are trying to do it right.
This is the most complete and deepest video on relationship fundamentals ever.
Immensely grateful
This is an amazing and important video for anyone to watch! Very well put and all of it is crucial for a healthy relationship. I'm extremely lucky to have met my boyfriend of 6 years who's taught me pretty much all of these, and I was willing to listen to him and learn. We have an amazing and healthy relationship, because we both work hard to make it happen.
The one small thing I'd like to add is to accept what's important to them even if you can't understand why, and even after putting yourself in their shoes. You don't have to understand why, you just need to show them that you still take it seriously!
I just recently found this channel & I must say, hands down, the BEST relationship (of all kinds) channel I've ever watched! Thank you so much for the work you are doing, helping people become better people!
I love the way you concise a lot of information and are straight to the point but also have a little humour in your videos! Lol "Empathy is no.1 but it's no.5 because I forgot" 😂😂
This is UNBELIEVABLE!!!!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Yes to having the courage to get out of a toxic relationship. Yes to trust. Yes to integrity. Yes to going slow. Yes to kindness!YESSSS to empathy!!!!Thank you!! I shared this to my FB.
I think everyone needs to hear this, thank you
Spot on! Oceans of tears and 1/2 my adult life to catch this net. I have. It took time to evolve into the person who could deliver the goods and backbone to discern. 🎉
I’m glad he brought up we shouldn’t be hypocrite a lot of people want people to have certain characteristics but lack it themselves. He give out excellent tips not just for intimate/marriage relationships.
Yes. Completely. Everything. The relationship with my boyfriend is different from the ones before. We can communicate. With respect, with kindness, with an open mind and we always know, that a discussion oder an argument doesn´t touch the foundation of our love. And we ask each other, even when we are arguing, what the other one needs from us. And if we are the one asked, we take a breath and try to answer the question. It´s all about making an offer and accept, if you get one. Stay in contact :)
For years, love felt elusive. I would fall head over heels, and then something would raise my anxious attachment alert. My heart would feel cold, I’d initiate a break up, then try to get back together. I dated quality men, but I didn’t know how to love without fearing pain. I carry guilt for the pain I put others through.
I think I struggle to feel feelings.
I mean I love people and find joy in bringing others joy. But I am reluctant to get into romantic relationships. I never expect people to truly love and respect me. So I am stand offish. Now I'm trying to remedy that but not yet allowing my heart to open and be vulnerable.
@@desertdog8006- am at this same stage right now!
Nice to see more people talking about becoming the one.
Incredibly said, to the point. I'm at a crossroad and this has helped me to see the light that I didn't want to see for a long time but still hopeful for the future. I'm also hoping for a brighter future on both parties.
Thank you so much ❤
The end part where you said "You do not deserve to be yelled at." It was for me brother! It hit my heart hard! Thanks for the message!
😂 man I never knew relationship could be so complicated I always thought that I'd never have any problems if I ever got into a relationship
This is gold Jimmy. Thank you 😊
All valid and important points. Thank you, Jimmy.
This is GOLD - u knocked it out of the park!!
Wow, this has been the most helpful advice I’ve heard..thank you, thank you, thank you. 🙏🏼 Perfect timing with recently meeting someone who I think could be ‘the right person’ ❤
Thank you Jimmy! I watched this today and watched it again with my partner this evening. We've just hit a bump but we both have most of these qualities. And he has more than intention but action and follow through. Its just those times he is dysregulated and he tears me down. But we're getting better. Couples counselling has been helpful but we just agreed to change counsellors as we want more help with strategies rather than us coming up with them ourselves.
Your videos have been so helpful. Keep doing what you're doing!
This advice sounds sooo solid. After two longterm relationships (and a few short ones) that lacked all of these things, I’m finding most of these things with my current person and it feels like the safest/healthiest space I’ve ever experienced.
Not planning on getting married again, or even dating, but this was straight up great advice and much to put into practice with even friends💖 Thank you for caring to share!
My friend, you have beautifully summed up hours of UA-cam videos on relationship advice in one masterful presentation. Thank you very much, I will be saving and returning to this along with my partner every once in a while so that we could remember to keep our priorities in sync in our relationship.
This is so REAL!!!Looking back, wow did I settle for chaos and mediocrity for 22 years. No more. From the bottom of my heart ❤️ this was better information than any counseling session I have ever been in. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!
empathy is key. you’re so right
Thank you so much for this video.
That sums up pretty perfectly what a great relationship looks like.
Thank you for the reminder
You are amazing & knowledgeable! Thank you! I’ll listen to this again and again!
Hoo boy. Going through this video was like watching so many therapy sessions I went through in previous years. All of that to say, I'm glad I'm able to see where I'm doing right by my partner and I'm more grateful to understand what I can do better. Thanks for providing this video to folks.
This is one of the best relationship videos I've ever seen. I loved this. Thank you.
All the points you mentioned can also be relatable to friendships,family ties . Thank you for the value of knowledge you have shared with us🤝