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I help people, just to be "seen", but I don't let them get close to me. Friends, family - they have all moved away or died, so what's the point. Except we NEED community, and friends and to have purpose and contribute.
An attraction to someone emotional unavailable will release oxytocin? I'm confused. I thought only emotional bonding resulted in a release of oxytocin.
Wow....this video made me realize how emotionally unavailable I am and it's not the other person's fault. I'm feeling pretty sad as I always thought I was the healthy one but I've pushed people away who truly loved me and chased people who don't care a thing about me. I'm also the parent to two adult sons and I realize I'm not always present for them either and it hurts to admit that. I'm currently with a genuinely good man but I think I'm self sabotaging things with him because it feels so different. I am so broken and have no family and maybe 1 friend in my life. I have been so lonely and don't really know where to turn. Thank you for this episode. I wish I knew where to find someone like you because I definitely need some work.
Our lives are so parallel. There are two other channels that help me along with Tim. The Crappy Childhood Fairy & the Personal Development School. They help teach you what your core wounds are & what they’re telling you & how to regulate your emotions. As well as your attachment style & what that means as well as how to heal from it. If possible see if you can find a good therapist skilled in EMDR or something similar to help you face your emotions & process them in a healthy way. It’s a lot of work, but we’ll worth it. The few people who are in your life can help you because you’re safe with them & they love you. Let them help you. Communication is key. 🙏🏼❤️🩹
@triplejmom7826 oh my goodness! I cant believe you just named the two channels I watch... Chappy childhood fairy and PDS. Wow! I also watch Jimmy on relationship They have been so valuable in teaching me about my core wounds and to really watch how I show up for myself and in developing new friendships.
@triplejmom7826 have you watched any of Heidi Priebe's Stuff, too? Add her to your subs! She's just as great as the rest of the creators you listed. :)
100% same ! I’ve been losing many friends as I take off this mask. But I feel that the ones that stick around and new people I meet are more authentic. It’s still hard to believe they love me though! And it’s jarring to hear from them that they do 😭
I always wonder how this stuff works for all the people who didn't believe in divorce or weren't allowed....because if they reach self awareness and read Freud lol and figure out repetition compulsion how does that work if they don't believe in divorce
Growing up in a dysfunctional home where both parents couldn't meet their own needs, let alone the needs of their children gives children a skewed view on what a healthy, loving relationship looks like. What we perceive to be love is actually a trauma based feeling - we don't know any better because healthy love was never modeled for us. Attraction to emotionally distant people, rageful people, addicts, unstable and wounded people is based on what we witnessed as a "lovi ng" relationship. That was all we knew, all we ever saw.
Never felt special never felt that growing up just abusive words that a child doesn't know how to defend. Shut me down, self soothing, no one there for guidance, not being capable giving. Only the basics , materialistic needs. Always making you look nice for image.. I was never aloud to express any emotion. When I tried and crying I would get slapped for expressing my emotions. I learned to adjust Never emotionally. I prefer to be poor and get emotional need than growing up to a false reality
Excaly is were I am both were working with their parents theyshouldhave a group for adult parents of alcoholic parents children we had to be there therapy
I was in high school when my grandmother died and it absolutely devastated me. I now understand that it's because she was the only person who ever made me feel loved and enjoyed. I've never felt that since.
Oh, that was so me! And I knew it, and I hated myself for hurting every nice boy that came my way. I did eventually learn to love appropriately and at 35 finally married an honorable, loving man. I remain happily married at 66. I am enjoying your series. Very helpful. I swear I felt like I was uniquely awful.
I had a connection with my grandmother; she died when I was 5. I remember the deep loss and have been seeking that feeling my whole life. I still mourn her hugs and acceptance. She was the only person who truly showed me love and affection.
Same here. My Grandma died when I was 7. She was the only person who showed me affection or made over me. My parents pretended nothing happened and I was never allowed to show my feelings or grieve about it. I'm 58 now and I still feel like she's the only person in my life that ever loved me.
I can share in this sentiment regarding my great grandmother! She died when I was 8 and I still miss her and cry from time to time. She used to sneak me into her room and we would watch soap operas past my bed time hehe
I was about to join this club, my grandma was the only one who hug me and told me "I like you" but on the other hand, she was also the person who beat me when I did something wrong, she was very dominant and controling kinda intimidating when I was little... So the only person who showed me love, was also beating me up and dominant 😢 Like I really never had any nice connection with anyone. Even friends, every one betrayed somehow or ghosted or was fake. I am 32 yo and never had relationship.... I was never someones first choice and just didn't have luck on love at all
Took me till I was 62 and Tim Fletcher to realize this stuff. Oh, trust me, I knew ALL about most of my Complex Trauma , I just didn't know about the prisons I'm in. Father GOD bless you Sir.
Yup I never got a hug I desperately longed for one I always would wonder and especially my dad he never once said he loved me was strict emotionally vervally physical abusive that's all I know of him
@@olgakim4848 but people go with patterns if they don’t know any difference when they were growing up they will parent in the same way until somebody down the line stops this pattern and says no more I’ll nurture my children in a different way than my parents have me my parents weren’t great but they only brought me up in the way they only knew how to properly wounded by their parents I never hate life’s to short and hard enough without hating them move on and just be kind we all don’t have a magic book to bring and nurture our children now as a adult it’s our life to decide to move forward and jet go of that hurt ❤️
@@JoePAcalaughs 😊💓 I hug my friends; thankfully I figured out on my own that is okay. There weren't many goodbyes or greetings in my family, not many situations where it was considered "okay" to hug.
Let go of what has passed. Let go of what may come. Let go of what is happening now. Don’t try to figure anything out. Don’t try to make anything happen. Relax, right now, and res
This is really heavy to listen to. I relate totally. I had a very traumatized/abused father who turned to alcohol to numb his pain and a mother who was the classic cold, distant, emotionally unavailable, checked-out co-dependent. My mother suffered from an extremely emotionally deprived childhood on top of dire poverty. I had to suppress my need for parenting, especially the mothering part. I realise how much I put a big smile on my face and try to fake it. I definitely have a pattern of falling for people who are emotionally unavailable. I fit all the characteristics described. I have felt an emptiness and loneliness all my life no matter who I am with. I feel less lonely being alone but I know I'm missing out on the essential human experience of genuine, reciprocated love and friendship. It is difficult to open up because I am afraid I will turn people off with how my emotional self is so young and undeveloped and I fear opening up and then being rejected.
As a totally random person, I hear you. I feel that emptiness as well as not feeling a genuine human connections, it just doesn’t feel natural. We deserve love and it will come to us. I’m sending my love and any positivity I have your way. You are not alone
I understand the premise but there is a flaw: if 75% of men are avoidantly attached for example, then it's a numbers game to a large degree. I have been doing therapy and tons of healing for many years and have become much more secure and available. I now experience "situationships" of a few months down to 7 weeks at this point, because when I notice unavailability and an unwillingness/insurmountable fear to address it, I leave. That's not because I am attracted to this anymore - in fact quite the opposite, I find it offputting - but it is because it is nearly impossible to randomly find the one healthy apple among a huge basket of broken ones.
I have to say, I’ve had a peculiar experience as a man for most if not all of my life. My experience is the cliche expressed to me from the female experience of my generation. I’m 38 and have come out of two, back to back 5 year relationships where I poured everything that I am into partners who were not capable of reciprocating love and misunderstanding and mistrusting servitude. It was years of hurt and I place no blame on them and have only recently begun to not place blame on myself. I feel so out of place in our culture, those ten years, at the very least, other than revealing a lot about myself and how much I have to give and how far I can go for what I perceive is the betterment of other over myself, protected me from what I feel has severely hurt the collective mental health - that being online dating. I feel so out of place, like everything I learned about romance, being a gentleman, being of service and kindness, like all of those things scare people now, and I get it. But it makes me feel a deep, deep sadness. I miss how cute, cheeky and daring boys and girls were when I was in my teens and twenties. It could sure be a mess of insecurity but there was such a thrill in overcoming fear to ask someone out. It all feels so mixed up these days. A few weeks ago I told one of my friends that I feel sad that for such a sex positive culture, I see little to no romance around me. I wonder if you guys share in this experience? I’m in Australia by the way, our culture baffles me, as it has since arriving here from Brazil when I was 7
I got off track, apologies. I wanted to share in your sentiment. I feel that most women around me are also emotionally unavailable and seem to freak out once they realise I’m not after sex but something real. I’ve started making WAY less female friends since mentioning that I’ve been practicing celibacy lol!
It is science now....that if you have trauma or if you don't have any 50% of men are narcissistic. ..so 1 out of 2 will be seriously damaged by a man....Dr Ramni stated 50% ppl are NPD This man's work is correct in normal healthy humans....however due to the male princess movement known as; Pick up culture = using psychological warfare how to use a women for sex Mgtow > had one bad experience with a women so they become mysgiony Andrew tate manosphere Richard Cooper known as I wanna be the "princess", women pay for me syndrome .... 80% of men in Aus are in the above and are the dark triad. Xxxxx Hope this helps.😮
@@tododia7701youre a breath of fresh air..many people feel this way..I think its the intelligence that will get us there, just believe in yourself and your beliefs
Thank you. This feels like you're narrating my life and relationships. I've realized for some time now that the people I choose make me feel the abandonment I feel from my parents. I have chosen so many emotionally unavailable relationships including friendships. I overdo, overcompensate, I listen, I try to be there for others but find no matter what, I feel invisible, deeply lonely and disconnected. I am grateful I was finally able to recognize my patterns, but it is so hard to change. I feel I have become resigned and feel I will not find healthy love, be truly understood, heard or seen.
you will find the one, but first you have to pass some specific tests 1. stand in front of a mirror and ask your self "do I feel pretty? if I'm among other beautiful women do I still feel confident and comfy?"➡️ If you pass this, well done, let's go to the next one. If not, then start working your appearance until the moment you feel gorgeous. 2. ask yourself "what am I worthy?" ➡️ If you answer positive things like communication, love, companion, respect well done let's go to the next one. If you answer that you don't deserve, then start change your mind. It's vital to let your life change. 3. Check how many of the things, pleasures you give to others you equally give to yourself. ➡️ If you can identify that you treat yourself with the same love well done. If not that's your red flag. Once you stop being overgiver and start to examine if the others can give you what you give then you will the basic problem in your relationships. Whatever happened, happened. It's time for you to start from scratch and be your best version. You can do this. I wish you the best.
Adiroots i hear you. Ive been there too. Try and take the pressure off yourself, find hobbies and get comfortable with your own company, then once you are comfortable, then join some groups and spend time with people with common interests and hobbies. Make some friends. Be a good friend. We have to learn what emotionally available people are like so it comes more natural and we can recognize the unavailable and it doesnt feel good. Dont go too fast. Think of it as building skills, it takes time. Best wishes.
OMG!! You described my husb when you said meeting emotional needs. He feels he pays bills, does things around the house, etc.,what more do i want. I'm almost in tears. You nailed it.😢❤ My mother was the same way. She fed us, clothed us, and gave us shelter. She probably felt she did her job. The dots are connecting. 😢❤❤
I've never heard such an accurate description of myself. It's depressing. This video uncovered more than several years of therapy. Thank you for what you're doing for those of us in this situation! It does give me hope, knowledge is power.
Please forgive the people who were not there for you , so you can heal, most of them passed down what was passed down to them. Heal and break the pattern. With GOD all things are possible
This video was SO on point….i watched it twice in a row to make sure I didn’t miss anything. I want to cement all the take aways into my brain. My life story in a nutshell.
Everyone I was raised with (in my church and church-run school) was raised like this … the parents all were convinced that obedience at any cost was “godliness” … our feelings and emotions were not important or valued. I’ve seen this clearly as I look back on my childhood. I have wonderful parents …. But they were not fully emotionally available (they were from time to time). They were also influenced by how the church operated in this area. This makes a lot of sense … I scored 53 on the quiz. I’ve got lots of healing to do.
It's amazing that you've healed. And it's important to go forth with the understanding that people who think like this. Deference to authority and your feelings don't matter, is a huge reason why the world is so fucked up. People like this create and pass on this mentality, which causes the messes to suffer at the hands of indifferent rulers.
Jesus! I never thought of it like that. Good call. I've put up so many barriers now that I think it's time to realise that I've got to stop fighting/wanting to meet the right person and concentrate on myself. If I can have a couple of yrs of happiness then it's going to be ok. I'm going back to basics, the simple things in life and slowing right down. Thanks winner 🏆
That is my thoughts, if I am very attracted, feel sparks and/or extremely passionate about someone. I know to back up. I then observe the person and eventually I see it. It's all there i just have to cool my jets and observe. I can see the same traits of past relationships. Once, I realize or see it then I am like no thanks however, I still feel this magnetic pull towards these types of individuals even in friendships. For me, it's about slowing way down, backing off and observing. Nothing should happen instantly with anyone love interests, friends, co-workers. Connections are suppose to take time. When you are so starved for love, acceptance and belonging, you run to the nearest breadcrumb. Unavailable people have a sonar for people who desperately want and need love. Unavailable people are just as wounded but learn how to "control" the narrative a bit to try not to get hurt. I have learned you have to step back, self soothe and love yourself which is extremely difficult if you have never experienced it. It takes years and years, maybe a lifetime. What saddens me is we are bringing kids in the world without realizing the generational trauma cycle so it continues. People get angry at their parents, I have been riddled with anger a majority of my life but our parents come from the same dysfunction probably worse because they didn't have resources, language and they were severely gaslight into submission. I realize my anger has a place in healing but it will literally drain happiness out of you and leave you spinning your wheels for a lifetime if you don't move on from it. One of the four agreements from Don Miguel Ruiz is " Don't take anything personally". I would apply that to our parents and family too. As long as we are wrapped in anger we cannot move forward. We have a right to our anger, to acknowledge it, feel it, validate it however, don't live there.
@@lahicks9773 I am still waiting for the suppressed anger coming up towards the deeds of my mother that I left out of safety reasons 13 years ago. Every other person that left me speechless with unbelievable behaviour, I can feel anger but not towards my mother. Way before I met people that demand forgiveness, submission if you dare to speak up against your mother I was a people pleaser through and through. I even threatened somebody to leave him if he dares to sue my mother for criminal things she did. Until this day a big part of me is open for "let's act like it never happened and just be nice". "She wasn't herself.". But the continuation is bad. Left me overwhelmed with SADNESS and FEAR (of repetition etc.). Fortunately Crappy Childhood Fairy's "Daily practice" helps with this greatly. I do it 1-2 times daily writing down my fears and resentments and after 15 min. give it all up to a higher power with much gratefulness and relief. The following 20 min. should be spent in meditation (sitting still, mantra repeating) but I prefer tapping my body (staying grounded not drifting away), do a lymph massage and repeat in my mind a mantra like "this" or "okay". EMDR, for what I experienced in therapy, is for single traumatic memorable events. Very successfull by the way. Yes but the shattered inner core or whatever it is called, the fundamental base line, the missing stability, was never touched. Therapists overwhelmed with this. Heard "you are now an adult" when I said I feel like a baby left at the streets and no one hears me crying like in my dreams. In one dream I had I met her spirit, I believe. She (all in white like a ghost) laid her hand on my shoulder and I felt so much love. It felt like her soul was visiting me and let me know I am right, in her core she has a loving heart but in the flesh she is somehow infested with dark emotions and can't help it. I shouldn't take it personally. I am still working on it that my inner parts stop taking her imprinted "advice" as law. Primal Trust by Dr. Cat and Liz Tenuto's somatic exercises are helping me too. Must build a healthy adult main personality. I have one of course but very weak (I'm now 42, AutDHD on top).
Feeding everyone's emotional needs. But staying empty and not available. Protective pattern. Learning to take care of myself. I hope and pray that my children aren't effected
My brother changed my world about this subject when I asked him “Why do I always pick the same kind of guys that are not good for me”. His answer was, “you did not pick them they picked you.” Meaning, they know what type of girls/women to seek out to get what they can try and get away with. I initially was embarrassed but soon started looking at the relationship I was already in differently.
My heart goes out to you. May you somehow lovingly and tenderly find a way to heal from all the pain of abandonment, emotional deprivation and whatever other abuses you had to endure. There are alot of us out there struggling to come to terms with this stuff.
Luke, I was not adopted. But I was exposed to so much violence, physical & emotional scapegoat, I wonder, if you knew... You might know it's overrated. I understand, though, from having close friends who were adopted, you are destined to live in doubt.
I cannot thank you enough for this clear and non-judgemental teaching. I’ve been in this pattern my whole life and I’m very optimistic that the pattern can be broken. Your explanation of my behaviour is so accurate. I’m encouraged and hopeful. ❤️ Creating a new template is possible 🙌🏾
What helped me in figuring out what healthy connection is, was to witness it in other people's relationships. I remember having a friend who took me to meet his family and I was astonished that they really liked each other and respected each other. Totally new concept for me, but it opened my eyes to another world, a world that was healthy. It doesn't even have to be in real life. Fiction can be a useful guide in learning what healthy relationships can be like. But when you encounter it, you will know. It will seem strange and unfamiliar, but at the same time it will strike a chord in your spirit. We were created for relationship. We have a place in our heart that is shaped for love. It may never have been filled when we were young, but it is still there, waiting. May the Lord bless us and heal us in our journey to health and joy and ultimately, to Him.
How was your family growing up and did you perceive that to be love? You mentioned you were astonished at how they liked each other. How did you establish connection with your family or how did your family members do so without liking each other?
My Dad was a physically and emotionally abusive narcissist. My Mom was manic depressive. Love was never really an option from my Dad. He wanted strict obedience from children he could abuse and terrorise. My Mom sacrificed a lot for us kids and protected us when she could, but with her own issues to contend with, she sometimes couldn't. So for me, loving my Dad meant worshipping him as a "god" and obeying him without question. Loving my Mom meant trying to not be a burden to her, despite a chronic medical issue I had. Loving my parents meant that I saw my role in the family as keeping my siblings "in line," making sure they were obedient, which I also saw as a way to protect them from my Dad's abuse. So I think my siblings didn't like me because of the role I assumed, my Dad didn't like anyone and I think my Mom saw me as an ally in keeping the family going. Both my parents passed on, and I do not have a close relationship with my siblings. So we didn't really connect as people, as much as we have a common history of surviving a disaster. Thanks for the interesting question.
@@ValSMITH-it4lg Wow! This is intense. Sorry to hear that you endured so much. Can I ask you, did you ever love your parents or family? What was it you feel for them? Do you ever miss them? As time has passed I'm sure you have formed positive connections with others and know what really it means when you say Love. So based on that definition of Love, what is the feelings you have for them?
I always loved and still love, my family. To me, love has always meant putting the well-being of the ones I love, ahead of my own well-being. That's a very practical way of loving, rather different from hearts and flowers and googly eyes. That is something I learned from my Mom.
Thank you so much for these insights. For years, I believed that the blame was on the other person and not a result of my CPTSD. This is the first time I truly understand what it is and how to work with it. What a change! Thank you again!
This is an amazing analysis. I am currently going through this. I just want to add that one way the emotionally unavailable person tries to control the conversation is that she doesn't really take my calls and doesn't call me. Everything is done by text. She chooses what she will respond about and I just realized it's about control. I'm 30 minutes into the video; I don't quite get how to stop being attracted to women like this. When I was younger, I had healthier relationships.
Hey guyz I am in same situation as youll but with men, after knowing more about this honestly I am feeling less attracted and attached to them and trying to build secure attachment characteristics!!
I finally have an understanding about my relationship issues. I am emotionally unavailable and have been attracting men that present in this way and have become the chaser over time. I am looking forward to healing and having healthier relationships in the future.
@26:29 this really starts talking about me spot on. I become hyper sensitive to every little sign of neglect and then I just get distant until it starts causing a lot of issues (usually my partners will become more and more temperamental) and then I leave. Rinse repeat. So sad.
Also, I have finally tapped into a definite ‘ shame ’ issue that made a big difference on the way I think about shame. A major breakthrough.. thanks again.
His videos are seriously THE best! I like the way he explains and the depth. This is so true. I never realized I have always been "bonding" with emotionally unavailable people. Because at the start they are open and share a lot, which I mistook as connection. They oversharing or trauma dumping is something I perceived as closeness or connection. To think about it now it's really so dumb and silly. I'm glad I saw his video and am realising how I allowed myself to be drained off energy by being around such people.
But how real connection feels like? I thought If I found a person I like, we have things common and they share stuff about their life - I thought this was connection. I was able to attach in less than 1 month due the intensity just to realize he was only venting to me / emotional dumping :/I took my time to respond him on his venting, he then didn't respond to me and prioritized others... At this point I really don't know what connection feels like. Many times I thought I have it and it was only intensity. When I tried to make things slow with other people, they just ghost me (friends). I don't know how people make connection
@@intuitivevibes1818 have you been doing any inner work? Without doing inner work we won't be able to recognise healthy connections. I'm currently in therapy. I know why connection isn't. Because I have been in such dynamics. Only now I'm trying to figure out what true connection is. I haven't formed it yet .. but perhaps slowly overtime. :)
@@charissastella8920 what do you think I have been doing my whole life? I know you don't know me lol but I was always drawn to self development books and psychology and also used many ways of healing and working on myself from spiritual side too. Hypnose, affirmations, vizualizations, self love, mirror excercise, EFT, Radical forgiveness,mindfulness,... I feel like I tried so many things, mental excercises, knowing myself better, even watching videos and reading books and trying to be more present when things retraumatize me etc. And then I see person who didn't work this hard and they have healthy relationship. Even when this person is more clingy than I can appear to be. I know I used to be people pleaser in past and it was hard for me to learn no. But when I look back, it was always me who gave more to people, who valued more the "connections" friendships. People just seem to be so shallow nowadays and they drop you like a hot potato just because you are having hard times. Idk... And do you know now whats the difference between connection and just affection? Now, I am not even sure If this is worth it because you can be building connection with someone for 2 years and it can be destroyed just because of narcissist's lies. Or people suddenly abandon you.
Hi, thank you for this video. In recovery for three years, what a process, first to two years were just outstanding my anger, then my feelings, and wow! how emotionally unavailable I was. Improving, everyday commitment to myself to grow and improve complex trauma healing. 🙏, that I’m able to show my children, change for ALL future humanity 🙏🕊
The best podcast I have ever heard 😍 I definitely score high on this. What was required of us as children was to be good catholic girls. My father was wonderful with me as a baby, but 'abandoned' me emotionally when my sister was born. I had to grow up at 2 years old.
Your work and shared expertise is SAVING LIVES and allowing so many of us to live toward thriving instead of merely surviving. Thank You for all You do and be. 🙏🏽❤️🦋
Yes you can change. An avoidant can become secure with some deep work. I was also an avoidant and sometimes those tendencies come up but validating yourself and being kind to yourself and most importantly choosing people who choose you is a great start. We became avoidant as a mechanism to protect ourselves from being hurt and disappointed. I’m still figuring things out with being okay with vulnerability because I’ve realized there’s so much power in vulnerability and people will hurt and disappoint you, it’s about of life regardless of your a secure, anxious or avoidant.
A psychologist that I was seeing in a time of crisis found out that I had met a man and was developing a romantic relationship with. One late husband and thirty-two years later I finally understand him saying, “Congratulations! You’ve just started a relationship with a man who can never be available to love you.”
A marriage counselor ended our sessions, said, "I want to leave you with something. "It's all in what you get used to." I said, "That's it? That's all there is to it?" And he said, "Yeah, that's all there is to it."
I just learned, through therapy, that this is truly me. But I’m so tired. I’m so tired of struggling with my internal world. I want to fix it but I don’t know if I have the strength left to actually do it.
What helped me was finding even a tiny bit of joy every day. Hearing a pretty bird song, having my cat sit on my lap, watching a favorite old movie, just something every day. Joy is fuel. If you have no joy at all you will have no energy to make your life better. Find SOMETHING every day to give you joy. Then add another something. Do this every day. Write it down, every day. When you feel down, review your joy journal. It really does help to give you fuel and build your spiritual strength.
tiredness could be suppressed anger eg if deep down you feel angry at your parents for not giving you what you needed. If you let yourself feel it, it might release some energy
You told me of all the things I needed to hear but have been blind to. It was painful and a burden lifted at the same time. Knowing is better than not knowing because when you don’t know, you make yourself a puppet by being controlled by what you have no control over. The practical tools spoken of are also helpful. Thank you.
What a fantastic video!! Appreciate this man so much. I’ve never been sure if I’m just the emotionally unavailable person altogether, because I have some really amazing friends and I know with all of them it’s me. But I occasionally pick someone who has emotions but no real emotional availability. I can see how I affected my now grown kids. I pray everyone who resonates with this is not choose it as an identity but as a set of coping mechanisms they no longer need. It isn’t how you were born to be it’s who you grew into for safety. Let go and give God the glory for both our adaptations to survive and our ability to overcome them and grow healthier. Often our parents grew up the same and it just becomes generational but God can lead us and lead our children and grandkids out to new life and love. It isn’t who we are it’s just a phase we have allowed more time than it deserves. Praise God for people like me Fletcher
SO powerful!!! 🙏🏻🪷Filled with gratitude for your work Tim Fletcher!-the way you put knowledge & experience compassionately into explicit organized description…such a gift.
I cried several times while listening to this. It never hit me in my life that I actually never had connection with anyone. I am not sure If the friendship counted If they abandoned me, ghosted or were narcissistic lacking empathy. How can I heal this? Nobody is going to give me love. My parents won't give me love, there is nothing to patch this hole. Years and years of healing, self development, self love and it feels like wasted time. I am 32 yo and never had real relationship. (Only online fews, long distance narcissists). When I was about to start real relationship, the other side messed up by breaking trust before relationship could start. I was never someone's first choice, these few also liked someone else at the same time. It is maddening! My friend who did NO WORK on herself, had bunch of narcissists and now suddenly, without any work on herself, she found someone who is not emotionally unavailable..... She didn't have to do anything, any work, any healing and still get the love. She can't be alone. Is either with bf or with me or someone else. So whats the point of this all?
You don't know for sure who she is with. Sometimes narcissists reveal their true selves after the first child, after 10 years even. Maybe he is a sociopath who plays the perfect prince charming. You honestly never know. What we do know is that most people don't end with healthy people without doing any work on themselves..and that is proven time and time again.
I was not protected physically about being warm.enough, enough food, enough sleep and my mother would humiliate me at times and would scare me. My dad really did nothing about it. He wasn't arou d very much. My brother was more of a parent to me than they were. It's very hard to express this but I need to.
Real question>> is there anybody really emotionally available anymore? I would like to know if I’m just completely engulfed in an alternate reality or if this is in fact the true state of the world today (ie most everyone is emotionally unavailable these days)
Yes, my inner self told me this, I was creating the same narrative and perceiving and behaving with the world to get the same outcome, leading to a loop. Growth and development is literally spirituality, it’s human evolution. The potential for growth is immense. The further down into fragmentation and hell you go the higher heights you can reach.start to love yourself and find a creative outlet. You are here for a reason and you didn’t go through this for nothing, there’s something your soul wants to express.
It really never satisfied. Thank you for your knowledge. You couldn't explain it better. It's so sad how so many of us didn't receive a deep connection early age. Continued living as normal when in reality it was abuse
I am so thankful you didn’t approach this from only a “dating” perspective. I could never make it through those in order to hear the connectivity part of “relationships “. Thanks!!!😊
It’s so difficult I find I only seem to be attracted to, have chemistry with men who are also emotionally unavailable because I am emotionally unavailable myself.
Understanding the problem is the first step towards solving it. If you have not defined a problem, then there is no reason to take any action. I think that healthy people are 1) rare, 2) not interested in the unhealthy and 3) taken. But in case I am wrong, or one gets divorced or widowed - I owe it to myself to clear the mental cobwebs and make the 2nd half of my life the best that it can be. I just know that a healthy person is going to seem either boring, scary, or both. We are addicted to a weird kind of drama, so it would be natural to screw it up - just for the drama... We have to become addicted to peace, and safety. You have to WANT to explore the unknown territory, fearing for dinosaurs and predators, only to find wonderful vistas and fresh air. Join Yoga, learn breath meditation, do puzzles and calm the mind down. If something scary enters my thoughts, I have decided to answer it with "Nope, I am not calling that reality forward".
I KNEW when I got involved with my LTP that we were BOTH emo unavail, but I fell for him after 3 years of friendship anyway. (I am of the cody type - he is just the lone wolf emo unavail - he's actually a kind person who likes to help others -- unless they're his sig other lol). We have been together for over 11 years and over the past 6 years he has been through a lot of losses (both personally and work related - we are both early 60s) and now the very decent amount of affection i USED to get from him has dwindled down to a sprinkle here and there - now I usually just see his irritation and snarkiness - AND he has no problem usually letting me take the blame for anything that has gone wrong. I KNOW inside that its probably not me that is making him like this but I feel crappier about myself every day and have come to believe its ME that is failing HIM). This series is helping me so much but I still cry most days... I truly wish I could believe that I have value...
You absolutely have value. The world can be mean sometimes, and sometimes we get ourselves stuck in a mean loop but ... regardless of what is happening around you and/or to you, you can be gentle with yourself. Being gentle, patient and loving to yourself is very powerful. I wish you the best!
He sounds like he might have strong narcissistic tendencies, maybe even the covert/vulnerable type. Not calling him a narcissist as I'm not a psychologist but it might help you to consider the possibility so that you can regain the insight and strength you need to draw on with such hurtful people.. Check out Dr. Ramani, Looking Behind the Mirror, Ross Rosenberg. Al-Anon is great, too, especially their literature. (I feel like I'm talking to myself here. Just saying. ) Love and hope to you.🎉
The fact that you are feeling so much pain is proof that you have value. Your pain is rejecting the message that your environment is giving you - that you have no value, and don’t deserve to be happy - and trying to prompt you to take action to change it. The pain is your body and soul’s natural response to the fact that the way you are living - the environment you’re in, the person you are spending your time with - is harming you, and goes against every natural law for you to be healthy and thrive. Your soul, your essence, is reflexively rebelling against what will kill it. The pain is telling you that you deserve, and need something else. Whether you believe in the laws of the universe or God, that’s clear. Kind and worthy soul, regardless of what you have become accustomed to, I hope this helps.
I scorded a 31. I realized counseling has helped me tremendously. Without counseling and working on my inner self , I would have scored much higher. Many thanks, Tim, for an eye-opener.❤❤
We are attached to unavailable people, when available people are not present. It's as simple as that, I believe. Dysfunctional relation is "better" than no relation at all. When we have no friends, then it's much much easier to keep in touch with that one toxic friend. It's not because we are addicted or weird. It's because we have no other choice. I don't think there are many people, who will hang out with toxic, unavailable people, if decent, friendly and empathic are available in their proximity.
You have pushed all those buttons of mine to deepest level..cant stop sobbing. And i am only half through the video 😢😢 I havr become so emotionally unavailable yet i do do so much foe everyone and feel thise pains..
Thank you so much. I am very grateful that I came across this video. All my life, i have gone through 2 marriages and 2 serious dead end relationships. Aftrr listening to your podcast, I am aware that I was emotionally unavailable thats why i was attracting emotionally unavailable partners. I am healing myself through self unconditional love and being present with and for myself. Thank you so much. I am affirming everyday that I am emotionally available to give and receive unconditional love.
Many people mentioned here that this video helped them to see they are emotionally unavailable. But I still don't think that about myself. Can I ask in what do you think you are emotionally unavailable? In what aspects?
This is touching on attachment theory or attachment styles, but some of the facts are off. This describes an anxious attachment, but the causes of it are more for a dismissive avoidant attachment, not anxious attachment.
I can see now how childhood emotional neglect leads to an overactive fear center in the brain. Then, this primes us for abuse and addictions of all kinds. It also explains Idealization at the beginning of meeting someone we are attracted to. Many cptsd symptoms are similar to npd traits, but the key difference is that at the core of cptsd people just want to be safe
On point Tim! My mother was unemotional. I can't remember her telling me she loves me, nor getting hugs from her. However, she had a good heart..will give you the shirt off her back. I married a man who is just like her.😢 But, we do hug from time to time. He doesn't tell me he loves me unless I tell him. He told me that he may not tell me he loves me, but he will show me. Which he does at times.
You're a legend Tim god bless you and bless your words and work You're doing. We'll explained, it really is like being in a hell trap but it is even harder when you learnt all those things too late and when a child is already involved in the dance. It adds an extra quote of sadness. I don't see many videos like this out there mentioning the presence of a child in between. Worth mentioning that no one should even harm a child and child development.
Im not attracted to unavailable ppl, but i do want to know why unavailable ppl are strongly attracted to me. They push and chase until they get in. I used to give in and then end up deprived and frustrated. These unavailable folks continue to pick me out of the crowd, knowing damn well they cant sustain a relationship or be in another one
Amazing information for those in need! Incase this matters to u in making this information to be absorbed to its highest potential, the microphone is very counterproductive visually and audibly. Thanku
I got love, attunement, attachment/connection, provision and protection from my father and not my mother. I don’t want anything from my mother and keep distant, she wants all these things from me but she is like a pit and is incapable of reciprocity. I miss my father so much ❤️❤❤️
💜 Please be aware of scammers impersonating Tim or the Tim Fletcher team! We do not provide any phone numbers in the comments and Tim does not chat privately with viewers. We will never ask you to join us on a messaging app. When in doubt, reach out to us via our website at timfletcher.ca. Stay safe and scam-aware. With Love, The Tim Fletcher Team.
The "if I can get you to love me, I am lovable."
I help people, just to be "seen", but I don't let them get close to me. Friends, family - they have all moved away or died, so what's the point. Except we NEED community, and friends and to have purpose and contribute.
Exactly this x what u said x
I mean yea. If you never felt that way before. Makes sense to need to receive it to think it is possible.
Seems very logical
Guys, if you manage to do this inner work. Please be prepared for a loss of friends, I realised that this was my friendship dynamics too.😩
This x100!!
@@SummerJ200 if you lose them they weren’t really friends in the trust place ❤️
100%!
@@teresareid5034 So true, but the fact that I was drawn to them and even entertained them..that’s the part that I needed to work on. Xxx
An attraction to someone emotional unavailable will release oxytocin? I'm confused. I thought only emotional bonding resulted in a release of oxytocin.
"Emotional intensity feels like connection" thats so true
This is how narcissists fake it exactly
Wow....this video made me realize how emotionally unavailable I am and it's not the other person's fault. I'm feeling pretty sad as I always thought I was the healthy one but I've pushed people away who truly loved me and chased people who don't care a thing about me. I'm also the parent to two adult sons and I realize I'm not always present for them either and it hurts to admit that. I'm currently with a genuinely good man but I think I'm self sabotaging things with him because it feels so different. I am so broken and have no family and maybe 1 friend in my life. I have been so lonely and don't really know where to turn. Thank you for this episode. I wish I knew where to find someone like you because I definitely need some work.
Our lives are so parallel. There are two other channels that help me along with Tim. The Crappy Childhood Fairy & the Personal Development School. They help teach you what your core wounds are & what they’re telling you & how to regulate your emotions. As well as your attachment style & what that means as well as how to heal from it. If possible see if you can find a good therapist skilled in EMDR or something similar to help you face your emotions & process them in a healthy way. It’s a lot of work, but we’ll worth it. The few people who are in your life can help you because you’re safe with them & they love you. Let them help you. Communication is key. 🙏🏼❤️🩹
@triplejmom7826 oh my goodness! I cant believe you just named the two channels I watch...
Chappy childhood fairy and PDS. Wow!
I also watch Jimmy on relationship
They have been so valuable in teaching me about my core wounds and to really watch how I show up for myself and in developing new friendships.
@@vivy45 I’m glad 😊 I’ll look into this Jimmy guy. Thanks.
@@triplejmom7826
I agree with Crappy Childhood Fairy ... She's fantastic and has a book coming out this Fall
@triplejmom7826 have you watched any of Heidi Priebe's
Stuff, too? Add her to your subs! She's just as great as the rest of the creators you listed. :)
Groomed to be a people pleaser and clown in a large family due to the tensions in the home
Same, a whole lifetime of pain.
Same. I dont even want to smile anymore, feel like a fake. Walking away towards freedom. Better to just love me
100% same ! I’ve been losing many friends as I take off this mask. But I feel that the ones that stick around and new people I meet are more authentic.
It’s still hard to believe they love me though! And it’s jarring to hear from them that they do 😭
I always wonder how this stuff works for all the people who didn't believe in divorce or weren't allowed....because if they reach self awareness and read Freud lol and figure out repetition compulsion how does that work if they don't believe in divorce
That’s why I don’t have childern and will never 🎉
Growing up in a dysfunctional home where both parents couldn't meet their own needs, let alone the needs of their children gives children a skewed view on what a healthy, loving relationship looks like. What we perceive to be love is actually a trauma based feeling - we don't know any better because healthy love was never modeled for us. Attraction to emotionally distant people, rageful people, addicts, unstable and wounded people is based on what we witnessed as a "lovi ng" relationship. That was all we knew, all we ever saw.
Very well said. I can relate to this 😮
Totally accurate. 💥
This is me. My ex was all of the above.
Never felt special never felt that growing up just abusive words that a child doesn't know how to defend. Shut me down, self soothing, no one there for guidance, not being capable giving. Only the basics , materialistic needs. Always making you look nice for image..
I was never aloud to express any emotion. When I tried and crying I would get slapped for expressing my emotions.
I learned to adjust
Never emotionally. I prefer to be poor and get emotional need than growing up to a false reality
Excaly is were I am both were working with their parents theyshouldhave a group for adult parents of alcoholic parents children we had to be there therapy
Wow. 8 minutes in. This guy gets it. Years of trying to heal and i am still unsure what an emotionally available relationship looks like.
Same😢
I didn’t know I was emotionally unavailable 😮
Same!! Really hits home
I was in high school when my grandmother died and it absolutely devastated me. I now understand that it's because she was the only person who ever made me feel loved and enjoyed. I've never felt that since.
@@katiehelou3183 I pray that you will. Mostly with yourself
My Nan, my dad's mum was that for me. She died when I was 13 . I understand xxx
Oh, that was so me! And I knew it, and I hated myself for hurting every nice boy that came my way. I did eventually learn to love appropriately and at 35 finally married an honorable, loving man. I remain happily married at 66.
I am enjoying your series. Very helpful. I swear I felt like I was uniquely awful.
What did you do or how did you learn to love appropriately?
I had a connection with my grandmother; she died when I was 5. I remember the deep loss and have been seeking that feeling my whole life. I still mourn her hugs and acceptance. She was the only person who truly showed me love and affection.
Same here. My Grandma died when I was 7. She was the only person who showed me affection or made over me. My parents pretended nothing happened and I was never allowed to show my feelings or grieve about it. I'm 58 now and I still feel like she's the only person in my life that ever loved me.
I can share in this sentiment regarding my great grandmother! She died when I was 8 and I still miss her and cry from time to time. She used to sneak me into her room and we would watch soap operas past my bed time hehe
I was about to join this club, my grandma was the only one who hug me and told me "I like you" but on the other hand, she was also the person who beat me when I did something wrong, she was very dominant and controling kinda intimidating when I was little... So the only person who showed me love, was also beating me up and dominant 😢 Like I really never had any nice connection with anyone. Even friends, every one betrayed somehow or ghosted or was fake. I am 32 yo and never had relationship.... I was never someones first choice and just didn't have luck on love at all
I hear you. My paternal grandmother was my world. She was the only one I could attach to the most. Her dying a couple years back took a lot out of me.
Me too
Took me till I was 62 and Tim Fletcher to realize this stuff. Oh, trust me, I knew ALL about most of my Complex Trauma , I just didn't know about the prisons I'm in. Father GOD bless you Sir.
I learned that he knew where I was coming from right away.
Most people that talk about complex trauma don't. Even the woman that coined it
@@michaeldonnawilliams8613 Tim Fletcher is a blessing,never too late, all the best❤️🩹
Our parents never cared about our emotions. They were concerned about themselves.
Exactly, people who should never have had children in the first place. Selfish people.
People can only fo their best at the time with what they know
Yup I never got a hug I desperately longed for one I always would wonder and especially my dad he never once said he loved me was strict emotionally vervally physical abusive that's all I know of him
@@jasminetutt7631It doesn’t take a PhD to love and care about your kids.
@@olgakim4848 but people go with patterns if they don’t know any difference when they were growing up they will parent in the same way until somebody down the line stops this pattern and says no more I’ll nurture my children in a different way than my parents have me my parents weren’t great but they only brought me up in the way they only knew how to properly wounded by their parents I never hate life’s to short and hard enough without hating them move on and just be kind we all don’t have a magic book to bring and nurture our children now as a adult it’s our life to decide to move forward and jet go of that hurt ❤️
Oh i 100% recognize that i pick emotionally unavailable people. People just like my mum.
I was hugged and considered a "delight," until my siblings were born. They didn't have enough time for multiple kids. I was a child, not a nanny.
@@PaigeSquared🫂
@@JoePAcalaughs 😊💓 I hug my friends; thankfully I figured out on my own that is okay. There weren't many goodbyes or greetings in my family, not many situations where it was considered "okay" to hug.
@@PaigeSquared hugs are the best. I wish you many 😊.
So do i😄
I have much healing to do. It’s been too long. I am 70 with a wavy topsy turvy past
My time to heal fully is right now. 🌸🌺😊
Let go of what has passed.
Let go of what may come.
Let go of what is happening now.
Don’t try to figure anything out.
Don’t try to make anything happen.
Relax, right now, and res
❤❤❤🙏
@@Miracle-Needed ❤️❤️🌺🌺
This is really heavy to listen to. I relate totally. I had a very traumatized/abused father who turned to alcohol to numb his pain and a mother who was the classic cold, distant, emotionally unavailable, checked-out co-dependent. My mother suffered from an extremely emotionally deprived childhood on top of dire poverty. I had to suppress my need for parenting, especially the mothering part. I realise how much I put a big smile on my face and try to fake it. I definitely have a pattern of falling for people who are emotionally unavailable. I fit all the characteristics described. I have felt an emptiness and loneliness all my life no matter who I am with. I feel less lonely being alone but I know I'm missing out on the essential human experience of genuine, reciprocated love and friendship. It is difficult to open up because I am afraid I will turn people off with how my emotional self is so young and undeveloped and I fear opening up and then being rejected.
As a totally random person, I hear you. I feel that emptiness as well as not feeling a genuine human connections, it just doesn’t feel natural. We deserve love and it will come to us. I’m sending my love and any positivity I have your way. You are not alone
@@ryananderson2346 Your words are much appreciated.
I understand the premise but there is a flaw: if 75% of men are avoidantly attached for example, then it's a numbers game to a large degree. I have been doing therapy and tons of healing for many years and have become much more secure and available. I now experience "situationships" of a few months down to 7 weeks at this point, because when I notice unavailability and an unwillingness/insurmountable fear to address it, I leave. That's not because I am attracted to this anymore - in fact quite the opposite, I find it offputting - but it is because it is nearly impossible to randomly find the one healthy apple among a huge basket of broken ones.
THIS
I have to say, I’ve had a peculiar experience as a man for most if not all of my life. My experience is the cliche expressed to me from the female experience of my generation.
I’m 38 and have come out of two, back to back 5 year relationships where I poured everything that I am into partners who were not capable of reciprocating love and misunderstanding and mistrusting servitude. It was years of hurt and I place no blame on them and have only recently begun to not place blame on myself.
I feel so out of place in our culture, those ten years, at the very least, other than revealing a lot about myself and how much I have to give and how far I can go for what I perceive is the betterment of other over myself, protected me from what I feel has severely hurt the collective mental health - that being online dating.
I feel so out of place, like everything I learned about romance, being a gentleman, being of service and kindness, like all of those things scare people now, and I get it. But it makes me feel a deep, deep sadness.
I miss how cute, cheeky and daring boys and girls were when I was in my teens and twenties. It could sure be a mess of insecurity but there was such a thrill in overcoming fear to ask someone out.
It all feels so mixed up these days.
A few weeks ago I told one of my friends that I feel sad that for such a sex positive culture, I see little to no romance around me.
I wonder if you guys share in this experience?
I’m in Australia by the way, our culture baffles me, as it has since arriving here from Brazil when I was 7
I got off track, apologies. I wanted to share in your sentiment. I feel that most women around me are also emotionally unavailable and seem to freak out once they realise I’m not after sex but something real.
I’ve started making WAY less female friends since mentioning that I’ve been practicing celibacy lol!
It is science now....that if you have trauma or if you don't have any 50% of men are narcissistic. ..so 1 out of 2 will be seriously damaged by a man....Dr Ramni stated 50% ppl are NPD
This man's work is correct in normal healthy humans....however due to the male princess movement known as;
Pick up culture = using psychological warfare how to use a women for sex
Mgtow > had one bad experience with a women so they become mysgiony
Andrew tate manosphere Richard Cooper known as I wanna be the "princess",
women pay for me syndrome ....
80% of men in Aus are in the above and are the dark triad.
Xxxxx
Hope this helps.😮
@@tododia7701youre a breath of fresh air..many people feel this way..I think its the intelligence that will get us there, just believe in yourself and your beliefs
Thank you. This feels like you're narrating my life and relationships. I've realized for some time now that the people I choose make me feel the abandonment I feel from my parents. I have chosen so many emotionally unavailable relationships including friendships. I overdo, overcompensate, I listen, I try to be there for others but find no matter what, I feel invisible, deeply lonely and disconnected. I am grateful I was finally able to recognize my patterns, but it is so hard to change. I feel I have become resigned and feel I will not find healthy love, be truly understood, heard or seen.
you will find the one, but first you have to pass some specific tests
1. stand in front of a mirror and ask your self
"do I feel pretty?
if I'm among other beautiful women do I still feel confident and comfy?"➡️ If you pass this, well done, let's go to the next one. If not, then start working your appearance until the moment you feel gorgeous.
2. ask yourself "what am I worthy?" ➡️ If you answer positive things like communication, love, companion, respect well done let's go to the next one. If you answer that you don't deserve, then start change your mind. It's vital to let your life change.
3. Check how many of the things, pleasures you give to others you equally give to yourself. ➡️ If you can identify that you treat yourself with the same love well done. If not that's your red flag. Once you stop being overgiver and start to examine if the others can give you what you give then you will the basic problem in your relationships.
Whatever happened, happened. It's time for you to start from scratch and be your best version. You can do this.
I wish you the best.
Adiroots i hear you. Ive been there too. Try and take the pressure off yourself, find hobbies and get comfortable with your own company, then once you are comfortable, then join some groups and spend time with people with common interests and hobbies. Make some friends. Be a good friend. We have to learn what emotionally available people are like so it comes more natural and we can recognize the unavailable and it doesnt feel good. Dont go too fast. Think of it as building skills, it takes time. Best wishes.
@@RH-ul2bc Thank you so much for these kind and gentle words!
@@ΥπαπαντήΣωτηρίαΠαπαδογιάννη🙏🏼 very helpful thank you
OMG!! You described my husb when you said meeting emotional needs. He feels he pays bills, does things around the house, etc.,what more do i want. I'm almost in tears. You nailed it.😢❤
My mother was the same way. She fed us, clothed us, and gave us shelter. She probably felt she did her job. The dots are connecting. 😢❤❤
I give myself the love I need now. You’re a gift. Thank you ❤
I've never heard such an accurate description of myself. It's depressing. This video uncovered more than several years of therapy. Thank you for what you're doing for those of us in this situation! It does give me hope, knowledge is power.
Please forgive the people who were not there for you , so you can heal, most of them passed down what was passed down to them. Heal and break the pattern.
With GOD all things are possible
I'm subconsciously attracted to unavailable people bc I'm unavailable and I know they'll never ask me for more than I'm able/capable/willing to give.
Yes. I totally get you in what you said.
This video was SO on point….i watched it twice in a row to make sure I didn’t miss anything. I want to cement all the take aways into my brain. My life story in a nutshell.
Me too I saw it back to back twice
Everyone I was raised with (in my church and church-run school) was raised like this … the parents all were convinced that obedience at any cost was “godliness” … our feelings and emotions were not important or valued.
I’ve seen this clearly as I look back on my childhood. I have wonderful parents …. But they were not fully emotionally available (they were from time to time). They were also influenced by how the church operated in this area. This makes a lot of sense … I scored 53 on the quiz.
I’ve got lots of healing to do.
Your comment really helped me, I was wondering how my church upbringing would have influenced me- thanks!
It's amazing that you've healed.
And it's important to go forth with the understanding that people who think like this. Deference to authority and your feelings don't matter, is a huge reason why the world is so fucked up. People like this create and pass on this mentality, which causes the messes to suffer at the hands of indifferent rulers.
If I am attracted I now see it as my number one red flag.
I have made the same realisation. 😢
Jesus! I never thought of it like that. Good call. I've put up so many barriers now that I think it's time to realise that I've got to stop fighting/wanting to meet the right person and concentrate on myself. If I can have a couple of yrs of happiness then it's going to be ok. I'm going back to basics, the simple things in life and slowing right down. Thanks winner 🏆
That is my thoughts, if I am very attracted, feel sparks and/or extremely passionate about someone. I know to back up. I then observe the person and eventually I see it. It's all there i just have to cool my jets and observe. I can see the same traits of past relationships. Once, I realize or see it then I am like no thanks however, I still feel this magnetic pull towards these types of individuals even in friendships. For me, it's about slowing way down, backing off and observing. Nothing should happen instantly with anyone love interests, friends, co-workers. Connections are suppose to take time. When you are so starved for love, acceptance and belonging, you run to the nearest breadcrumb. Unavailable people have a sonar for people who desperately want and need love.
Unavailable people are just as wounded but learn how to "control" the narrative a bit to try not to get hurt. I have learned you have to step back, self soothe and love yourself which is extremely difficult if you have never experienced it. It takes years and years, maybe a lifetime.
What saddens me is we are bringing kids in the world without realizing the generational trauma cycle so it continues. People get angry at their parents, I have been riddled with anger a majority of my life but our parents come from the same dysfunction probably worse because they didn't have resources, language and they were severely gaslight into submission. I realize my anger has a place in healing but it will literally drain happiness out of you and leave you spinning your wheels for a lifetime if you don't move on from it. One of the four agreements from Don Miguel Ruiz is " Don't take anything personally". I would apply that to our parents and family too. As long as we are wrapped in anger we cannot move forward. We have a right to our anger, to acknowledge it, feel it, validate it however, don't live there.
@@lahicks9773 I am still waiting for the suppressed anger coming up towards the deeds of my mother that I left out of safety reasons 13 years ago. Every other person that left me speechless with unbelievable behaviour, I can feel anger but not towards my mother. Way before I met people that demand forgiveness, submission if you dare to speak up against your mother I was a people pleaser through and through. I even threatened somebody to leave him if he dares to sue my mother for criminal things she did. Until this day a big part of me is open for "let's act like it never happened and just be nice". "She wasn't herself.". But the continuation is bad.
Left me overwhelmed with SADNESS and FEAR (of repetition etc.).
Fortunately Crappy Childhood Fairy's "Daily practice" helps with this greatly. I do it 1-2 times daily writing down my fears and resentments and after 15 min. give it all up to a higher power with much gratefulness and relief. The following 20 min. should be spent in meditation (sitting still, mantra repeating) but I prefer tapping my body (staying grounded not drifting away), do a lymph massage and repeat in my mind a mantra like "this" or "okay".
EMDR, for what I experienced in therapy, is for single traumatic memorable events. Very successfull by the way. Yes but the shattered inner core or whatever it is called, the fundamental base line, the missing stability, was never touched. Therapists overwhelmed with this. Heard "you are now an adult" when I said I feel like a baby left at the streets and no one hears me crying like in my dreams.
In one dream I had I met her spirit, I believe. She (all in white like a ghost) laid her hand on my shoulder and I felt so much love. It felt like her soul was visiting me and let me know I am right, in her core she has a loving heart but in the flesh she is somehow infested with dark emotions and can't help it. I shouldn't take it personally.
I am still working on it that my inner parts stop taking her imprinted "advice" as law. Primal Trust by Dr. Cat and Liz Tenuto's somatic exercises are helping me too. Must build a healthy adult main personality. I have one of course but very weak (I'm now 42, AutDHD on top).
Good one
Feeding everyone's emotional needs.
But staying empty and not available.
Protective pattern.
Learning to take care of myself.
I hope and pray that my children aren't effected
This is like having someone read me my entire inner life.
. OMG
My brother changed my world about this subject when I asked him “Why do I always pick the same kind of guys that are not good for me”. His answer was, “you did not pick them they picked you.” Meaning, they know what type of girls/women to seek out to get what they can try and get away with.
I initially was embarrassed but soon started looking at the relationship I was already in differently.
I leaned a term “Dysfunctional married Dysfunctional”. A healthy person would have dumped the unhealthy/dysfunctional guy.
I was adopted and was absolutely devastated as a child.
My heart goes out to you. May you somehow lovingly and tenderly find a way to heal from all the pain of abandonment, emotional deprivation and whatever other abuses you had to endure. There are alot of us out there struggling to come to terms with this stuff.
Heartbreak 💔
Me too ! But we can heal with Gods help ! He’s loves us !
Luke, I was not adopted. But I was exposed to so much violence, physical & emotional scapegoat, I wonder, if you knew... You might know it's overrated. I understand, though, from having close friends who were adopted, you are destined to live in doubt.
I cannot thank you enough for this clear and non-judgemental teaching. I’ve been in this pattern my whole life and I’m very optimistic that the pattern can be broken. Your explanation of my behaviour is so accurate. I’m encouraged and hopeful. ❤️ Creating a new template is possible 🙌🏾
Learning how to value your own emotions is the big one!
What helped me in figuring out what healthy connection is, was to witness it in other people's relationships.
I remember having a friend who took me to meet his family and I was astonished that they really liked each other and respected each other.
Totally new concept for me, but it opened my eyes to another world, a world that was healthy.
It doesn't even have to be in real life. Fiction can be a useful guide in learning what healthy relationships can be like.
But when you encounter it, you will know.
It will seem strange and unfamiliar, but at the same time it will strike a chord in your spirit.
We were created for relationship. We have a place in our heart that is shaped for love. It may never have been filled when we were young, but it is still there, waiting.
May the Lord bless us and heal us in our journey to health and joy and ultimately, to Him.
How was your family growing up and did you perceive that to be love?
You mentioned you were astonished at how they liked each other. How did you establish connection with your family or how did your family members do so without liking each other?
My Dad was a physically and emotionally abusive narcissist.
My Mom was manic depressive.
Love was never really an option from my Dad. He wanted strict obedience from children he could abuse and terrorise.
My Mom sacrificed a lot for us kids and protected us when she could, but with her own issues to contend with, she sometimes couldn't.
So for me, loving my Dad meant worshipping him as a "god" and obeying him without question.
Loving my Mom meant trying to not be a burden to her, despite a chronic medical issue I had.
Loving my parents meant that I saw my role in the family as keeping my siblings "in line," making sure they were obedient, which I also saw as a way to protect them from my Dad's abuse.
So I think my siblings didn't like me because of the role I assumed, my Dad didn't like anyone and I think my Mom saw me as an ally in keeping the family going.
Both my parents passed on, and I do not have a close relationship with my siblings.
So we didn't really connect as people, as much as we have a common history of surviving a disaster.
Thanks for the interesting question.
@@ValSMITH-it4lg Wow! This is intense. Sorry to hear that you endured so much.
Can I ask you, did you ever love your parents or family? What was it you feel for them? Do you ever miss them?
As time has passed I'm sure you have formed positive connections with others and know what really it means when you say Love. So based on that definition of Love, what is the feelings you have for them?
I always loved and still love, my family.
To me, love has always meant putting the well-being of the ones I love, ahead of my own well-being.
That's a very practical way of loving, rather different from hearts and flowers and googly eyes.
That is something I learned from my Mom.
Well said ❤
Thank you so much for these insights. For years, I believed that the blame was on the other person and not a result of my CPTSD. This is the first time I truly understand what it is and how to work with it. What a change! Thank you again!
This is an amazing analysis. I am currently going through this. I just want to add that one way the emotionally unavailable person tries to control the conversation is that she doesn't really take my calls and doesn't call me. Everything is done by text. She chooses what she will respond about and I just realized it's about control. I'm 30 minutes into the video; I don't quite get how to stop being attracted to women like this. When I was younger, I had healthier relationships.
lol im with the same situation but with guys.
Hey guyz I am in same situation as youll but with men, after knowing more about this honestly I am feeling less attracted and attached to them and trying to build secure attachment characteristics!!
It is a mercy that this invaluable information is freely accessible her! Thank you so much!!!
I finally have an understanding about my relationship issues. I am emotionally unavailable and have been attracting men that present in this way and have become the chaser over time. I am looking forward to healing and having healthier relationships in the future.
@26:29 this really starts talking about me spot on. I become hyper sensitive to every little sign of neglect and then I just get distant until it starts causing a lot of issues (usually my partners will become more and more temperamental) and then I leave. Rinse repeat. So sad.
Wow! This video was pure gold! THANK YOU SO MUCH! I learnt many many new things! 😊
Also, I have finally tapped into a definite ‘ shame ’ issue that made a big difference on the way I think about shame. A major breakthrough.. thanks again.
Chapter 41 - Soft Villain: healing my teenage era
I'm with it.
His videos are seriously THE best! I like the way he explains and the depth. This is so true. I never realized I have always been "bonding" with emotionally unavailable people. Because at the start they are open and share a lot, which I mistook as connection. They oversharing or trauma dumping is something I perceived as closeness or connection. To think about it now it's really so dumb and silly. I'm glad I saw his video and am realising how I allowed myself to be drained off energy by being around such people.
But how real connection feels like? I thought If I found a person I like, we have things common and they share stuff about their life - I thought this was connection. I was able to attach in less than 1 month due the intensity just to realize he was only venting to me / emotional dumping :/I took my time to respond him on his venting, he then didn't respond to me and prioritized others... At this point I really don't know what connection feels like. Many times I thought I have it and it was only intensity. When I tried to make things slow with other people, they just ghost me (friends). I don't know how people make connection
@@intuitivevibes1818 have you been doing any inner work? Without doing inner work we won't be able to recognise healthy connections. I'm currently in therapy. I know why connection isn't. Because I have been in such dynamics. Only now I'm trying to figure out what true connection is. I haven't formed it yet .. but perhaps slowly overtime. :)
@@charissastella8920 what do you think I have been doing my whole life? I know you don't know me lol but I was always drawn to self development books and psychology and also used many ways of healing and working on myself from spiritual side too. Hypnose, affirmations, vizualizations, self love, mirror excercise, EFT, Radical forgiveness,mindfulness,... I feel like I tried so many things, mental excercises, knowing myself better, even watching videos and reading books and trying to be more present when things retraumatize me etc. And then I see person who didn't work this hard and they have healthy relationship. Even when this person is more clingy than I can appear to be. I know I used to be people pleaser in past and it was hard for me to learn no. But when I look back, it was always me who gave more to people, who valued more the "connections" friendships. People just seem to be so shallow nowadays and they drop you like a hot potato just because you are having hard times. Idk... And do you know now whats the difference between connection and just affection? Now, I am not even sure If this is worth it because you can be building connection with someone for 2 years and it can be destroyed just because of narcissist's lies. Or people suddenly abandon you.
Hi, thank you for this video. In recovery for three years, what a process, first to two years were just outstanding my anger, then my feelings, and wow! how emotionally unavailable I was. Improving, everyday commitment to myself to grow and improve complex trauma healing. 🙏, that I’m able to show my children, change for ALL future humanity 🙏🕊
The best podcast I have ever heard 😍 I definitely score high on this. What was required of us as children was to be good catholic girls. My father was wonderful with me as a baby, but 'abandoned' me emotionally when my sister was born. I had to grow up at 2 years old.
This was extremely informative and life changing; spoken in a direct way where it all connected and made sense. Thank you once again!
This is one of my complex trauma prisons. You have described my last relationship to the last word. Thank you for your work❤
Your work and shared expertise is SAVING LIVES and allowing so many of us to live toward thriving instead of merely surviving. Thank You for all You do and be. 🙏🏽❤️🦋
I totally get this. Thank you so very much , Tim. Keep up the great work that you are doing!! 😊
Thank you. Your videos give such needed information. I have to be in the right frame of mind to watch them.
Same 😖
I get to love Tim s way of saying " well welcome back to another friday night!" ❤
Can an avoidant change? Can I change? I need hope. I need answers. I would like a miracle.
Everything you have said in the video is spot on.
Yes you can change. An avoidant can become secure with some deep work. I was also an avoidant and sometimes those tendencies come up but validating yourself and being kind to yourself and most importantly choosing people who choose you is a great start. We became avoidant as a mechanism to protect ourselves from being hurt and disappointed. I’m still figuring things out with being okay with vulnerability because I’ve realized there’s so much power in vulnerability and people will hurt and disappoint you, it’s about of life regardless of your a secure, anxious or avoidant.
A psychologist that I was seeing in a time of crisis found out that I had met a man and was developing a romantic relationship with. One late husband and thirty-two years later I finally understand him saying, “Congratulations! You’ve just started a relationship with a man who can never be available to love you.”
A marriage counselor ended our sessions, said, "I want to leave you with something. "It's all in what you get used to." I said, "That's it? That's all there is to it?" And he said, "Yeah, that's all there is to it."
A quote from the movie, THE WHALES OF AUGUST, "Life fooled me."
I just learned, through therapy, that this is truly me. But I’m so tired. I’m so tired of struggling with my internal world. I want to fix it but I don’t know if I have the strength left to actually do it.
What helped me was finding even a tiny bit of joy every day.
Hearing a pretty bird song, having my cat sit on my lap, watching a favorite old movie, just something every day.
Joy is fuel.
If you have no joy at all you will have no energy to make your life better.
Find SOMETHING every day to give you joy.
Then add another something.
Do this every day.
Write it down, every day.
When you feel down, review your joy journal.
It really does help to give you fuel and build your spiritual strength.
@@ValSMITH-it4lg Thank you - it’s certainly worth a try!
Love this!
tiredness could be suppressed anger eg if deep down you feel angry at your parents for not giving you what you needed. If you let yourself feel it, it might release some energy
@@creative45630 Definitely worth talking to my therapist about. Thank you.
You told me of all the things I needed to hear but have been blind to. It was painful and a burden lifted at the same time. Knowing is better than not knowing because when you don’t know, you make yourself a puppet by being controlled by what you have no control over. The practical tools spoken of are also helpful. Thank you.
Tim Fletcher you are such a blessing for people seeking healing. I thank Jesus for you!
What a fantastic video!! Appreciate this man so much.
I’ve never been sure if I’m just the emotionally unavailable person altogether, because I have some really amazing friends and I know with all of them it’s me. But I occasionally pick someone who has emotions but no real emotional availability. I can see how I affected my now grown kids.
I pray everyone who resonates with this is not choose it as an identity but as a set of coping mechanisms they no longer need. It isn’t how you were born to be it’s who you grew into for safety. Let go and give God the glory for both our adaptations to survive and our ability to overcome them and grow healthier.
Often our parents grew up the same and it just becomes generational but God can lead us and lead our children and grandkids out to new life and love.
It isn’t who we are it’s just a phase we have allowed more time than it deserves. Praise God for people like me Fletcher
I really appreciate this! It isn't "me" it's just a phase which has been given more tine than it deserves!
SO powerful!!! 🙏🏻🪷Filled with gratitude for your work Tim Fletcher!-the way you put knowledge & experience compassionately into explicit organized description…such a gift.
Without doubt, this is the BEST explanation I've ever heard. Thank you. It helps me understand something I've been struggling with for years.
Whoa, this is gold. Just had another experience like this, with another unavailable person. This is eye opening.
Welcome to another Friday night! Love that !
Me too. I look forward to those words. They are calming
I cried several times while listening to this. It never hit me in my life that I actually never had connection with anyone. I am not sure If the friendship counted If they abandoned me, ghosted or were narcissistic lacking empathy. How can I heal this? Nobody is going to give me love. My parents won't give me love, there is nothing to patch this hole. Years and years of healing, self development, self love and it feels like wasted time. I am 32 yo and never had real relationship. (Only online fews, long distance narcissists). When I was about to start real relationship, the other side messed up by breaking trust before relationship could start. I was never someone's first choice, these few also liked someone else at the same time. It is maddening! My friend who did NO WORK on herself, had bunch of narcissists and now suddenly, without any work on herself, she found someone who is not emotionally unavailable..... She didn't have to do anything, any work, any healing and still get the love. She can't be alone. Is either with bf or with me or someone else. So whats the point of this all?
Am very sorry to hear all this
You don't know for sure who she is with. Sometimes narcissists reveal their true selves after the first child, after 10 years even. Maybe he is a sociopath who plays the perfect prince charming. You honestly never know. What we do know is that most people don't end with healthy people without doing any work on themselves..and that is proven time and time again.
This is so incredibly accurate
Sometimes it’s due to addictions. Healing begins with me. You are a God sent. Thank you for the Yield sign 🙏🙌💜☮️
I was not protected physically about being warm.enough, enough food, enough sleep and my mother would humiliate me at times and would scare me. My dad really did nothing about it. He wasn't arou d very much. My brother was more of a parent to me than they were. It's very hard to express this but I need to.
Thank you so much for your valuable healing work that is so much needed. God bless you!
This is very informational ! I realize i used to be that emotionally unavailable person but im healing and learning to be vulnerable. Thank you.
Real question>> is there anybody really emotionally available anymore? I would like to know if I’m just completely engulfed in an alternate reality or if this is in fact the true state of the world today (ie most everyone is emotionally unavailable these days)
Phone addiction
Addiction and emotional unavailable go hand in hand
Yes, my inner self told me this, I was creating the same narrative and perceiving and behaving with the world to get the same outcome, leading to a loop. Growth and development is literally spirituality, it’s human evolution. The potential for growth is immense. The further down into fragmentation and hell you go the higher heights you can reach.start to love yourself and find a creative outlet. You are here for a reason and you didn’t go through this for nothing, there’s something your soul wants to express.
It really never satisfied. Thank you for your knowledge. You couldn't explain it better.
It's so sad how so many of us didn't receive a deep connection early age. Continued living as normal when in reality it was abuse
I am so thankful you didn’t approach this from only a “dating” perspective. I could never make it through those in order to hear the connectivity part of “relationships “. Thanks!!!😊
It’s so difficult I find I only seem to be attracted to, have chemistry with men who are also emotionally unavailable because I am emotionally unavailable myself.
Understanding the problem is the first step towards solving it. If you have not defined a problem, then there is no reason to take any action. I think that healthy people are 1) rare, 2) not interested in the unhealthy and 3) taken. But in case I am wrong, or one gets divorced or widowed - I owe it to myself to clear the mental cobwebs and make the 2nd half of my life the best that it can be. I just know that a healthy person is going to seem either boring, scary, or both. We are addicted to a weird kind of drama, so it would be natural to screw it up - just for the drama... We have to become addicted to peace, and safety. You have to WANT to explore the unknown territory, fearing for dinosaurs and predators, only to find wonderful vistas and fresh air. Join Yoga, learn breath meditation, do puzzles and calm the mind down. If something scary enters my thoughts, I have decided to answer it with "Nope, I am not calling that reality forward".
When u heal you won't be
I hear you. What if your married. I want a Miracle. I want us both to heal our wounds. I want us to heal our marriage.
@@francesdonald969thank you.
I KNEW when I got involved with my LTP that we were BOTH emo unavail, but I fell for him after 3 years of friendship anyway. (I am of the cody type - he is just the lone wolf emo unavail - he's actually a kind person who likes to help others -- unless they're his sig other lol). We have been together for over 11 years and over the past 6 years he has been through a lot of losses (both personally and work related - we are both early 60s) and now the very decent amount of affection i USED to get from him has dwindled down to a sprinkle here and there - now I usually just see his irritation and snarkiness - AND he has no problem usually letting me take the blame for anything that has gone wrong. I KNOW inside that its probably not me that is making him like this but I feel crappier about myself every day and have come to believe its ME that is failing HIM). This series is helping me so much but I still cry most days... I truly wish I could believe that I have value...
You absolutely have value. The world can be mean sometimes, and sometimes we get ourselves stuck in a mean loop but ... regardless of what is happening around you and/or to you, you can be gentle with yourself. Being gentle, patient and loving to yourself is very powerful. I wish you the best!
@@dianamary6170thank you so much for your kind words :)
Omg reading incomplete words is torture
He sounds like he might have strong narcissistic tendencies, maybe even the covert/vulnerable type. Not calling him a narcissist as I'm not a psychologist but it might help you to consider the possibility so that you can regain the insight and strength you need to draw on with such hurtful people.. Check out Dr. Ramani, Looking Behind the Mirror, Ross Rosenberg. Al-Anon is great, too, especially their literature.
(I feel like I'm talking to myself here. Just saying. )
Love and hope to you.🎉
The fact that you are feeling so much pain is proof that you have value. Your pain is rejecting the message that your environment is giving you - that you have no value, and don’t deserve to be happy - and trying to prompt you to take action to change it. The pain is your body and soul’s natural response to the fact that the way you are living - the environment you’re in, the person you are spending your time with - is harming you, and goes against every natural law for you to be healthy and thrive. Your soul, your essence, is reflexively rebelling against what will kill it. The pain is telling you that you deserve, and need something else. Whether you believe in the laws of the universe or God, that’s clear. Kind and worthy soul, regardless of what you have become accustomed to, I hope this helps.
Very good Tim, thank you ❤
I saw pieces of me the healed and unhealed, this was so needed, very timely . I nodded more than I expected and had aha moments. Healing is certain 😢
Thank youuuuuu so much Sir......
Much love from India 😊
I scorded a 31. I realized counseling has helped me tremendously. Without counseling and working on my inner self , I would have scored much higher. Many thanks, Tim, for an eye-opener.❤❤
We are attached to unavailable people, when available people are not present. It's as simple as that, I believe. Dysfunctional relation is "better" than no relation at all. When we have no friends, then it's much much easier to keep in touch with that one toxic friend. It's not because we are addicted or weird. It's because we have no other choice.
I don't think there are many people, who will hang out with toxic, unavailable people, if decent, friendly and empathic are available in their proximity.
It’s perspective because truth is there are plenty of functional ppl in the world who we could build connections with but choose not to
Wow. I’m half way through the video and so many insights. Eye opening.. thank you.
You have pushed all those buttons of mine to deepest level..cant stop sobbing. And i am only half through the video 😢😢 I havr become so emotionally unavailable yet i do do so much foe everyone and feel thise pains..
Thank you! I felt so relatable with each point especially thinking someone is warm etc but in fact they weren’t
I use to blame this emotional.problem all on my husband but now I think my parents played a majort part of my problem.
Thank you so much. I am very grateful that I came across this video. All my life, i have gone through 2 marriages and 2 serious dead end relationships. Aftrr listening to your podcast, I am aware that I was emotionally unavailable thats why i was attracting emotionally unavailable partners. I am healing myself through self unconditional love and being present with and for myself. Thank you so much. I am affirming everyday that I am emotionally available to give and receive unconditional love.
Many people mentioned here that this video helped them to see they are emotionally unavailable. But I still don't think that about myself. Can I ask in what do you think you are emotionally unavailable? In what aspects?
The whole world should watch this video
Gosh.. this is what I needed to hear now getting out from a toxic relationship, again... thank you 🙏💚
Excellent!!!! Thank you from a new subscriber…🙏🏽🥰🙏🏽
This is touching on attachment theory or attachment styles, but some of the facts are off. This describes an anxious attachment, but the causes of it are more for a dismissive avoidant attachment, not anxious attachment.
I can see now how childhood emotional neglect leads to an overactive fear center in the brain. Then, this primes us for abuse and addictions of all kinds. It also explains Idealization at the beginning of meeting someone we are attracted to. Many cptsd symptoms are similar to npd traits, but the key difference is that at the core of cptsd people just want to be safe
On point Tim!
My mother was unemotional. I can't remember her telling me she loves me, nor getting hugs from her. However, she had a good heart..will give you the shirt off her back. I married a man who is just like her.😢 But, we do hug from time to time. He doesn't tell me he loves me unless I tell him. He told me that he may not tell me he loves me, but he will show me. Which he does at times.
This eloquently describes my life, 5 decades. Thank you so so much, wow I'm speechless❤
You're a legend Tim god bless you and bless your words and work You're doing. We'll explained, it really is like being in a hell trap but it is even harder when you learnt all those things too late and when a child is already involved in the dance. It adds an extra quote of sadness. I don't see many videos like this out there mentioning the presence of a child in between. Worth mentioning that no one should even harm a child and child development.
Im not attracted to unavailable ppl, but i do want to know why unavailable ppl are strongly attracted to me. They push and chase until they get in. I used to give in and then end up deprived and frustrated. These unavailable folks continue to pick me out of the crowd, knowing damn well they cant sustain a relationship or be in another one
Something about you must make them feel safe. Go slowly until you can determine if they are available or unavailable.
Because you are caring, attentive, and genuine to the connections in your life. Since they are deprived of that, they chase you.
Amazing information for those in need! Incase this matters to u in making this information to be absorbed to its highest potential, the microphone is very counterproductive visually and audibly. Thanku
Thank you Tim Fletcher. You really understand very very very well.
Wow, this video hit home on so many levels. I understand now that this is one of my life triggers and will work on.
I got love, attunement, attachment/connection, provision and protection from my father and not my mother.
I don’t want anything from my mother and keep distant, she wants all these things from me but she is like a pit and is incapable of reciprocity.
I miss my father so much ❤️❤❤️
Great info, as always! The soundrecording is a bit distorted tho. Thanks again for all your great work for humanity sir Fletcher!
Wow... I have never been so understood in my life.
This was insightful. Thank you😊
Brilliant video and really hits the nail on the head. Thank you x❤