💜 Please be aware of scammers impersonating Tim or the Tim Fletcher team! We do not provide any phone numbers in the comments and Tim does not chat privately with viewers. We will never ask you to join us on a messaging app. When in doubt, reach out to us via our website at timfletcher.ca. Stay safe and scam-aware. With Love, The Tim Fletcher Team.
I was so ashamed of myself and painfully shy. I hated compliments. I hated it when people noticed me. In the course of recovery, I began to approve of myself. I thought it was nice when people complimented me and said nice things to me. I enjoy it but I don’t depend on it.
@Jonistired ABSolutely I remember when💯...I couldn't make it across a room without being soaked with sweat from anxiety...Its like watching a movie about my life...yikes !
At 63 I am finally beginning to understand why I am who I am. Still don’t know who I really am but am thankful for the opportunity to change what I can and repair what I have done to others in ignorance.
I’m same age. Lots of family issues that I guess we refer now as trauma. Thank you for your comments. Being of the same age, idk 🤷♀️ it makes me feel like I’m not the only one.
I'm not 100% convinced anyone really knows who they are. We can know a lot about ourselves - what we like, don't like, what our strengths are, what our flaws are, what we find funny, what draws out our interest and energy... If we're brave enough to pay attention that's a life-long project. Tbh, I don't think most people are either that brave or that interested. I suspect the real key is just being honest with ourselves and genuine in our connections with others. Vs. some defined sense of identity. That's what I'm working on, anyway. At 68, lol. !!
I’m a man who grew up playing drums in rock bands in CA. I was very popular and very skilled at my art, I really was a teenage rockstar. I cashed in with this lifestyle all through my 20s and 30s but wore it out around 40 where I didn’t need the attention or to be admired anymore. My Mom died and all I ever wanted was her love and approval and once she was gone I gave up trying so hard. I quit the bands and picked a new career and deleted my social media. I’m just a totally diff person now who prefers privacy and quality people. I have NO time for drama or bullshit. I stay away. I cut off. I walk away. I stick to me and mine, that’s it.
I think it’s so much talked about this kind of approval that people misidentify it in situations where your trauma has flourished in so much isolation, that seeking an empathetic witness and not wanting to be alone in your pain looks like seeking attention and approval. Where in fact it’s seeking connection. Trauma constantly makes you mentally isolated and alone and being around people triggers that feeling even more. Attention and approval is like eating Fast processed food, and connection and understanding is the real healthy food.
I moved to a place where most of my neighbours don't even answer back if you say hi or good morning. I find telling myself "why do you bother" constantly. Maybe I'm in the right place to stop being so nice 😂
If someone doesn t validate or approve me i don t feel connected! Sometimes i think they are doing it on purpose, i lost so mutch in life, i isolate myself but at the same time i crave connection! 😢
@Lyrielonwind I am in a similar situation where I live. Sadly I've been here for years & only am starting to get to know my neighbors a little better. It's been eye opening. I like the way you're looking at it. Maybe I need this season of my life to be okay with just God, my husband, child & myself locally. I have long distance friends but still hope for some locally someday. I hope your move brings positive change & healing in your life, even if it's hard at first.
YES. From time to time I run across someone who thinks I need approval, and then either they're patronizing or they're a jerk thinking they can break me down with disapproval. And I'm like, well think again pal, 'cuz I was just trying to connect here, but I guess not! Wrong choice of person to connect with.
‘Trying to fit in’ or changing what you do or say in order to be liked in the group we are in, is a NECESSARY thing in todays workplace. Bullying and rejection, even active targeting by others, bosses or conworkers, is a definite problem in many workplaces everywhere we go. Bullies and narcs are also more vicious than ever before.
I can’t express enough how much I appreciate the value of your content. It’s such a relief to reach the end of genuinely helpful information without being told, ‘To learn more, purchase my course'
Every time i was tempted to like myself or be proud of something I accomplished as a child, i was brought down a peg by my mother who said it was her job to keep me humble. Well, she can pat herself on the back for a job well done.
My childhood was filled with gaslighting. I only came to know what that mean when I was about 50. I made a lot of unhealthy choices in partners because of this. In childhood I was belittled because I chose the wrong "beer" in the refrigerator. It made that I took most of my choices to my mother. Thus starting the validation cycle. Today in recovery I try to validate myself. It is a very difficult road. Yet I have to keep going in recovery as I want to change and be better.
my parents did not connect with me, the only time they paid me any attention was when I got into trouble. I did not care what trouble I got into, I cared I had their attention
Tim. Thank you for everything you are doing. You are helping us. I have CPTSD. I score 9 on the Uk Aces score. I am a lonely 52 year old and I thought yesterday that I feel like I am in a prison. I have neglect based trauma and want one person to see me for who I am. I am writing a book about my life living with my condition which was undiagnosed until I had psychotherapy at the age of 48. I don’t think anyone cares about me, so I went into care work to help others and that has made me worse. I have ended back in the cycle again. Will it ever end? Peace and love to everyone living with trauma. ✌️❤
10:00 This makes me think of the following metaphor: An actor becomes tired and depressed from trying to satisfy his audience. It's like a constant sense of emptiness. He is hollow so he relies on the external. The Narcissist is basically cursed to live his own empty life. 11:31 Is this where Dopamine comes in? External validation releases Dopamine in us?
Your videos are so educating! The way you deliver the information is easy to grasp, and your kind voice and demeanor creates a sense of safety in me. Thank you so much for these videos and content.
Crazy how I look for a video on this the same day you posted it. This is my main lifetrap. And I'm fighting it the most at 30. Weird thing is by all appearances I had a good childhood with good parents. It seems because of my personality I took the path of internalizing everything, feeling like I didn't deserve the attention to get approval or reassurance. Thanks for the video.
So well explained, thank you. Man, this is my life. Only just feel like I'm making progress with this. All the best to those of us with this challenge!
Pastor Tim, thank you for once again explaining a prison that fits me like a glove (sadly). I am so thankful to you for preparung and sharing these videos. You have been a light on my journey.
I didn't expect to find much in this video because I was assigned hero-child who then turned invisible to protect myself. But it explains why I was so attracted to attention seekers, and why it was so hard for me to rebel against my parents. I had been constantly sliding back to what they wanted me to do between my attempts to stand my grounds, and, yeah, I felt for ages like a hypocrite who couldn't make close relationships with others because I knew that version everyone around me saw was what my parents wanted, but not really me. Attention was a nightmare for me, but approval was rather good. The only good I ever could get. And sometimes couldn't, which of course would make me feel worthless. I'm not interested in impressing strangers, but period of constantly being not good enough in what I was expected to be good was darkest period in my childhood that still echoes in my head to this days.
I share your experience. Now I'm learning to allow myself to discover who I am actually without those parental expectations, without the eyes of others
This is also known as people pleasing. I'm so glad you broke this down. I for sure will be mindful of this behavior for now on. I also will be reflecting and even doing introspecting on it, also known as shadow work. I will break this cycle. Thanks so much for sharing your gifts. Much love.
Relate to needing to be seen to feel valued or wanted Unfortunately w age, it doesn’t work and is unsustainable Now it’s “ what brings me JOY.” Am I giving empathy and compassion to myself verse giving it away for recognition
Yes! I’m trying to do that starting today. I have hated myself so much I didn’t even want to brush my teeth or wash my face. I’m a talented artist & don’t feel like it.
This video is literally gold. Thank you so much for making me understand much more deeply what i have to work on. Now i gotta take the lead and do the remaining work. Thank you again! 🙏
Yes, invisible child, makes sense. Thanks for speaking on validation and approval behaviors 😊. I never liked to have attention on me because when I was young, it meant I would be beaten or somehow hurt. Now, as the adult, it's important to reparent the part that still lives in that fear of being seen.
Sorry u endured this it's terrible..I suffered also I was shy quietly weird and after years of not connecting to the problem my dad here i was again being ignored in my late 30s expressing my kids achievements only for him to talk over me and express how my sister was so great in school at that moment everything from childhood trauma came rushing in.. I've had issues with relationships and still being a grown woman in my 40s I attract the worst men and friends
@@Blulyricz4lifetdot I can imagine your pain😥!Parents that cannot even praise their child(small or grown), that is so twisted. I try not to need validation from others, and give it to my self. Its really hard, but I have had it with selfish people. A pattern we need to break! ❤❤
I'm trying to understand my inner workings in order to be a better person and heal, this describes me well, can't wait to listen to the whole video. I'm definitely approval seeking. Thanks for posting this and letting people learn, very much appreciated
Question: "Being authentic and true to yourself" is something I hear from all professionals and even from the common sense. But, for individuals who have lived through the lens of others. What is their authentic self? And how can one even know if that is the authentic self or a projection of another image created for others? When the core of that person is in itself questionable. A sense of "Who am I? In the true sense?"
For me, my authentic self is my physical reality. I observe myself as I would another person. "Oh, I've been buying so many things in light blue lately and feel great when I'm surrounded by that color. I'm a person who likes light blue color and enjoy a sense of calm liveliness it brings!" Stuff like that, getting to know yourself as if you were getting to know another person
@@wavy6470 thank you for sharing this whoever you are. I hear you. I would also like to know psychologically, after years of studying this complex behavioural pattern. What is the true self? Just like Buddhism states in a spiritual way. What does science state through its learnings?
to me, and having been a buddhist myself, i definitely think of "the self" in a similar concept to the "non-self". for example, i'm generous today by showing generosity, but also because i happen to be feeling generous. i have also observed myself to be selfish at other times. so these aspects of me, both generosity and selfishness, are aspects of my ego. however, i like who i am when i am generous. which means i can be motivated to cultivate more situations where i feel more generous - taking care of my health and wellbeing, so that i feel ever ready to give out of a feeling of abundance. maybe a vision of the self lies in values or principles. for me to like being generous, it likely also means that i value generosity. but values can change, which is why the self can change.
Thank you so much for all your videos❤ I just found you here on youtube, and these videos has already helped me very much, you express and explain these things so well! 👍 Blessings to you💫
42:45 Instead of validating myself for things I have a hard time thinking up to validate myself for, I validate myself for being the lost/unvalidated child. Whew, that feels more un-shaming then having to lie to myself about or come up with affirmations that I really don’t (at this point) believe about my self
This is explaining everything about my ex fearful avoidant personality. Cheating, hypersexuality, low self-esteem, constantly looking for attention on social media, and in others. She had me 24/7 still wasn't enough for her. After 1.5 years relationship caught her cheating with old married guy at her job parking lot, I was shocked, confused and traumatized that day May 17 just few months ago. Still shocked seen a beautiful young girl with old married guy realized she very sick and have absolutely no self-worth. So, I breakup with her for good. I had no idea she was avoidant prior to infidelity bc she masked very well, buying me gifts, cooking and going to romantic dates, but her hypersexuality got me suspicious and there was any emotional intimacy or talking about any future with me. Also lacking empathy and morality. But now I noticed that she been neglected and abused as child regardless of having nice house, car and raising a young daughter. Yes, indeed she have complex trauma.
The problem is that everything we do needs approval from others in order to be successful in life, ie be able to support ourselves and LIVE. I dont want to be homeless so i need a job. In order to keep that job, co workers and bosses need to like me. Whether i am in a lifetrap or not, the fact remains that nowadays, even if you do a good job at work, if people there dont like you for some reason, they will try and get rid of you therefore you wont have a job and will end up destitute.
Oh was definitely this way seeking validation from men but it’s probably tied into all my relationships. I do like to be seen which is why I recently deleted my profile picture bc I know I need to stop this pattern. So I switched it up and began singing and expresses me and posting it to be seen it has helped traemndously but I need to push myself out of my comfort zone for a few more years at least solely working on myself perhaps just for the rest of my life to bc I really want to be me and accept myself whether or not others do so that I can overcome this need to escape myself through another. I noticed my music doesn’t get much attention but it’s helping me to gain back the power I have away to men and friends for years by depending on them to validate me. Hope I can find a level of contentment in life that doesn’t go away and when I do have a relationship again I hope it’s a real one that’s not so dependant. And if I don’t have a relationship again I hope I have a good one with myself.
Most men only have that way to approve women or their caretakers values so don't get discourage if they ignore you but that doesn't mean you have to be a doll. Dolls get broken easily. In any discipline you need time to achieve a good level of performance but you can also try other ways to express yourself: dancing, writting, drawing...Just enjoy it whatever you choose. Many artists wanted to achieve excelence in a discipline but found succes and mastery in another. The Spanish writer Cervantes wanted to be poet but he succeded in prose and created Don Quijote.
I scored a 46 on the self assessment in the video. I believe it is a true assessment. I also think I struggle a LOT with seeking approval and not at all with seeking attention. I would be curious to see a version of this that focuses solely on approval seeking but not attention seeking. There were some symptoms he mentioned that gave me some cognitive dissonance because they were potentially very opposite responses to the same sort of trauma and I wonder how much of that would be resolved by separating these two issues.
The reason is that there are a lot of people similar to you, in the sense that they go through similar existential challenges. So the behavior from similar ones got documented and studied by the Psychology science. Of course we are unique in our own ways at the detailed level, but we roughly fit into general patterns - much like the bodies of everyone of us share a human anatomy. The good side of this is that proven treatment, successfully tried on others who are like us, is available to strengthen our mental health.
Hey tim. How you explain it's really helpful. I am from India and have been on this healing journey for the last 3 years. I am 38 and just now realised how my trauma is affecting my life. I am not that much of a big money maker so hardly afford therapy or something like that. I go to the AA meeting which is really helpful if you give your attention. I watch videos all the time to get out of this situation and it's really harder than drinking. I have been using drugs for all my issues for 25 years my rock bottom is my weed psychosis. After using that weed that day my mental health was disturbed which is still in process some time ok some time bad. I dig down in my past i found a lot. So my question is everything is fine ADHD, cptsd, trauma, past behaviour, bad and good, body symptoms, physical, mental. Now I know everything you can make 1 complete recovery video step by step that can help me and people like me🙏
I have a 13 y/o with complex trauma who is exactly like the girl described early on. Attention & Approval through provocative behaviors & appearance. Exacerbating this is low cognitive functioning and a strong aversion to learn so school is problematic with positive behaviors in a regular classroom & negative behaviors in special education settings. Definitely has hyper maladaptive needs. Is there hope for this child?😢
I'm 62 yo and I hope I can heal. I'm approval seeker. Maybe you need to compliment her in any other area. Get advice from a therapist for tips. Don't give up. The brain is not fully developed until 25 yo. Try to engaged with her in other kind of activities she might like. All children look for their parents approval. Find out what activities she enjoys that are not related to physical approval. She has a Self although she might not know it.
Of course there is hope for your child. Have you asked her if there is anything aside from her school she is interested in learning? Listen to her with curiosity, and gift her an opportunity and agency to explore beyond she knows, developing interests and hobbies, as an individual with support. The possibilities might even lead her to become interested and invested into her own future. It could also be something you even do together, if she likes to. A thirteen year old is a young adult. Not an adult yet, though her journey is now beginning.
I scored a 50+ but I don’t exhibit any of the characteristics of someone seeking approval that were listed. its 100% internal for me, maybe being very antisocial makes it less noticeable . i can only imagine how many other people in the world are seeking validation in stealth mode LOL
The challenge you list for the unseen, the unvalidated is as you say very fearful for us. It’s fearful, not because of delusion that rejection will happen but because EVERY time we do try the challenge, the rejection ACTUALLY happens. Does anyone else experience this over and over enough to where you are stuck and frozen? I mean I do get that it’s very disgusting to see an adult needing what a child needs. And it’s very disgusting to myself to see this need in myself as an adult. I guess this is why we are called ADULT CHILDREN.
Knowing GOD and his unconditional LOVE and acceptance has helped me overcome this. It's a deep-rooted loneliness because the attention and approval is a lack of connection to others or to yourself. Reading the bible on loneliness has been so helpful in feeling love and seen.
I'm not a psychologist, so take what I say with a grain of salt, but in my view it's simple, even obvious: doing what you want to do to appreciate yourself and your life, not for pleasing others. You have shelved-for-long dreams and projects. If you pick a humble one - say, a hobby you were always curious about, but never created space in your agenda to experiment with it and see where it goes, with no imposed demands, only personal curiosity, you'll quickly discover your authentic self.
In high school, I think I did after I used to get attention from certain people & then it seemed to stop suddenly. I think most folks are on autopilot yet they still choose to do things for self at some point. I haven't at least with tasks around house hold!! Anywhere else I'm fine. LoL 😅
I have always known it doesn't take much to get someone to notice me. But that can trigger my big T. So I hate to have attention brought on to me. Being a trophy wife more than once I hated being offered up and expected to perform. After being sigal for 27 years. I only want and desire is someone to just love me, truly love me where my authentic self can be accepted and understood. ❤
💜 Please be aware of scammers impersonating Tim or the Tim Fletcher team! We do not provide any phone numbers in the comments and Tim does not chat privately with viewers. We will never ask you to join us on a messaging app. When in doubt, reach out to us via our website at timfletcher.ca. Stay safe and scam-aware. With Love, The Tim Fletcher Team.
I was so ashamed of myself and painfully shy. I hated compliments. I hated it when people noticed me. In the course of recovery, I began to approve of myself. I thought it was nice when people complimented me and said nice things to me. I enjoy it but I don’t depend on it.
If I get a little bit too much attention I feel uncomfortable.
Hate is a very strong word, and the other extreme of the same problem.
Compliments are a form of manipulation.
@Jonistired ABSolutely I remember when💯...I couldn't make it across a room without being soaked with sweat from anxiety...Its like watching a movie about my life...yikes !
This right here. I can't even accept complements correctly from my boyfriend of 4 years. My childhood abuse is the cause of this.
At 63 I am finally beginning to understand why I am who I am. Still don’t know who I really am but am thankful for the opportunity to change what I can and repair what I have done to others in ignorance.
That’s me , what the heck is authenticity?
I’m same age. Lots of family issues that I guess we refer now as trauma. Thank you for your comments. Being of the same age, idk 🤷♀️ it makes me feel like I’m not the only one.
I'm not 100% convinced anyone really knows who they are. We can know a lot about ourselves - what we like, don't like, what our strengths are, what our flaws are, what we find funny, what draws out our interest and energy... If we're brave enough to pay attention that's a life-long project. Tbh, I don't think most people are either that brave or that interested.
I suspect the real key is just being honest with ourselves and genuine in our connections with others. Vs. some defined sense of identity. That's what I'm working on, anyway. At 68, lol. !!
Prisoners of childhood.
Some prisons are invisible, some visible.
Invisible prisons are the hardest to break out of..
@
Yes
I’m a man who grew up playing drums in rock bands in CA. I was very popular and very skilled at my art, I really was a teenage rockstar. I cashed in with this lifestyle all through my 20s and 30s but wore it out around 40 where I didn’t need the attention or to be admired anymore. My Mom died and all I ever wanted was her love and approval and once she was gone I gave up trying so hard. I quit the bands and picked a new career and deleted my social media. I’m just a totally diff person now who prefers privacy and quality people. I have NO time for drama or bullshit. I stay away. I cut off. I walk away. I stick to me and mine, that’s it.
It's great to be aware of the internal business. I haven't yet lived the rockstar life, so I'll first live it and then may wanna refuse from it 😄
If it’s toxic and unhealthy why would you want to?
@@travisclymer2517why did you?
Got more validation through Tim than I ever had IRL. Crazy huh.
So grateful for that, honestly.
I think it’s so much talked about this kind of approval that people misidentify it in situations where your trauma has flourished in so much isolation, that seeking an empathetic witness and not wanting to be alone in your pain looks like seeking attention and approval. Where in fact it’s seeking connection. Trauma constantly makes you mentally isolated and alone and being around people triggers that feeling even more.
Attention and approval is like eating Fast processed food, and connection and understanding is the real healthy food.
I moved to a place where most of my neighbours don't even answer back if you say hi or good morning. I find telling myself "why do you bother" constantly. Maybe I'm in the right place to stop being so nice 😂
If someone doesn t validate or approve me i don t feel connected! Sometimes i think they are doing it on purpose, i lost so mutch in life, i isolate myself but at the same time i crave connection! 😢
@Lyrielonwind I am in a similar situation where I live. Sadly I've been here for years & only am starting to get to know my neighbors a little better. It's been eye opening. I like the way you're looking at it. Maybe I need this season of my life to be okay with just God, my husband, child & myself locally. I have long distance friends but still hope for some locally someday.
I hope your move brings positive change & healing in your life, even if it's hard at first.
@@jaijai8829I can relate. Sending hugs. You're not alone in this. There's quite a few of us learning, healing & growing.
YES.
From time to time I run across someone who thinks I need approval, and then either they're patronizing or they're a jerk thinking they can break me down with disapproval. And I'm like, well think again pal, 'cuz I was just trying to connect here, but I guess not! Wrong choice of person to connect with.
‘Trying to fit in’ or changing what you do or say in order to be liked in the group we are in, is a NECESSARY thing in todays workplace. Bullying and rejection, even active targeting by others, bosses or conworkers, is a definite problem in many workplaces everywhere we go. Bullies and narcs are also more vicious than ever before.
I can’t express enough how much I appreciate the value of your content. It’s such a relief to reach the end of genuinely helpful information without being told, ‘To learn more, purchase my course'
Every time i was tempted to like myself or be proud of something I accomplished as a child, i was brought down a peg by my mother who said it was her job to keep me humble. Well, she can pat herself on the back for a job well done.
Thank you, dad everyone here in the comments needed while growing up 🤝🤝🤝
I recently realized I see myself as a victim. Always looking for parents in other people. I also want everyone to like me. Its a big problem.
I do that too. You are not alone!!
@@keelymatteson5171 thanks. I se people all the time. I just didn't see it in me. :)
You're not alone
My childhood was filled with gaslighting. I only came to know what that mean when I was about 50. I made a lot of unhealthy choices in partners because of this. In childhood I was belittled because I chose the wrong "beer" in the refrigerator. It made that I took most of my choices to my mother. Thus starting the validation cycle. Today in recovery I try to validate myself. It is a very difficult road. Yet I have to keep going in recovery as I want to change and be better.
my parents did not connect with me, the only time they paid me any attention was when I got into trouble. I did not care what trouble I got into, I cared I had their attention
I've had students like this . . .
Tim. Thank you for everything you are doing. You are helping us. I have CPTSD. I score 9 on the Uk Aces score. I am a lonely 52 year old and I thought yesterday that I feel like I am in a prison. I have neglect based trauma and want one person to see me for who I am. I am writing a book about my life living with my condition which was undiagnosed until I had psychotherapy at the age of 48. I don’t think anyone cares about me, so I went into care work to help others and that has made me worse. I have ended back in the cycle again. Will it ever end? Peace and love to everyone living with trauma. ✌️❤
Thank u for sharing
It's hard to give from an empty cup. Many in care work are also co-dependent.
I hear you😢
never clicked so fast
Yep
I was the same, but didn't want to hear the truth hahaha
I have thoughts of years of wondering around lost...I'm healing and happy 😊
😆
Me22222222222222 I live in these moments ery day
10:00 This makes me think of the following metaphor: An actor becomes tired and depressed from trying to satisfy his audience. It's like a constant sense of emptiness. He is hollow so he relies on the external. The Narcissist is basically cursed to live his own empty life.
11:31 Is this where Dopamine comes in? External validation releases Dopamine in us?
Your videos are so educating! The way you deliver the information is easy to grasp, and your kind voice and demeanor creates a sense of safety in me. Thank you so much for these videos and content.
Crazy how I look for a video on this the same day you posted it.
This is my main lifetrap. And I'm fighting it the most at 30. Weird thing is by all appearances I had a good childhood with good parents. It seems because of my personality I took the path of internalizing everything, feeling like I didn't deserve the attention to get approval or reassurance. Thanks for the video.
So well explained, thank you. Man, this is my life. Only just feel like I'm making progress with this. All the best to those of us with this challenge!
Pastor Tim, thank you for once again explaining a prison that fits me like a glove (sadly). I am so thankful to you for preparung and sharing these videos. You have been a light on my journey.
I didn't expect to find much in this video because I was assigned hero-child who then turned invisible to protect myself. But it explains why I was so attracted to attention seekers, and why it was so hard for me to rebel against my parents. I had been constantly sliding back to what they wanted me to do between my attempts to stand my grounds, and, yeah, I felt for ages like a hypocrite who couldn't make close relationships with others because I knew that version everyone around me saw was what my parents wanted, but not really me. Attention was a nightmare for me, but approval was rather good. The only good I ever could get. And sometimes couldn't, which of course would make me feel worthless. I'm not interested in impressing strangers, but period of constantly being not good enough in what I was expected to be good was darkest period in my childhood that still echoes in my head to this days.
I share your experience. Now I'm learning to allow myself to discover who I am actually without those parental expectations, without the eyes of others
This is also known as people pleasing. I'm so glad you broke this down. I for sure will be mindful of this behavior for now on. I also will be reflecting and even doing introspecting on it, also known as shadow work. I will break this cycle. Thanks so much for sharing your gifts. Much love.
Relate to needing to be seen to feel valued or wanted
Unfortunately w age, it doesn’t work and is unsustainable
Now it’s “ what brings me JOY.”
Am I giving empathy and compassion to myself verse giving it away for recognition
Yes! I’m trying to do that starting today. I have hated myself so much I didn’t even want to brush my teeth or wash my face. I’m a talented artist & don’t feel like it.
Thank you for clear and compassionate explanations. Sometimes a youtube therapist can be more effective than in-person.
Thank you Sir for doing God’s work and sharing such valuable information ❤❤❤
Tim’s videos have been a huge inspiration to my channel 🙏🏻🧘🏻♀️
This video is literally gold. Thank you so much for making me understand much more deeply what i have to work on. Now i gotta take the lead and do the remaining work.
Thank you again! 🙏
You are so informative and articulate always, thanks Tim!
Thank you, Mr. Fletcher. You have done so much to help others.
Wow. I have loved it from beginning to end and especially the last part.
Thanks again, Tim. God bless you ❤
Yes, invisible child, makes sense. Thanks for speaking on validation and approval behaviors 😊.
I never liked to have attention on me because when I was young, it meant I would be beaten or somehow hurt. Now, as the adult, it's important to reparent the part that still lives in that fear of being seen.
In my dad's funeral, 5 yrs ago,two people I spoke to , didn't know my parents had a son, only a daughter! That really hurt me .
@@andrewrees8749
I would have been hurted too.
I was compmetely ignored, by my family and my surroundings.. Needed lots of attention and validation. But I did nothing to get it. I just got frozen 😢
I'm still trying to get out from shut down. I realized freeze was my auto pilot except for really extreme situations that forced me to fight or fligh.
❤ I was ignored too. It takes time and effort to get out of freeze and feel validated.
Sorry u endured this it's terrible..I suffered also I was shy quietly weird and after years of not connecting to the problem my dad here i was again being ignored in my late 30s expressing my kids achievements only for him to talk over me and express how my sister was so great in school at that moment everything from childhood trauma came rushing in.. I've had issues with relationships and still being a grown woman in my 40s I attract the worst men and friends
@@Blulyricz4lifetdot I can imagine your pain😥!Parents that cannot even praise their child(small or grown), that is so twisted. I try not to need validation from others, and give it to my self. Its really hard, but I have had it with selfish people. A pattern we need to break! ❤❤
These talks are sooooo good- well presented by a really knowledgeable person.
I'm trying to understand my inner workings in order to be a better person and heal, this describes me well, can't wait to listen to the whole video. I'm definitely approval seeking.
Thanks for posting this and letting people learn, very much appreciated
Thank you so much for all your help!! I appreciate it sooooo much!!
I hate drama and being in the spotlight but pretty much everything else is spot on
Question: "Being authentic and true to yourself" is something I hear from all professionals and even from the common sense. But, for individuals who have lived through the lens of others. What is their authentic self? And how can one even know if that is the authentic self or a projection of another image created for others?
When the core of that person is in itself questionable. A sense of "Who am I? In the true sense?"
For me, my authentic self is my physical reality. I observe myself as I would another person.
"Oh, I've been buying so many things in light blue lately and feel great when I'm surrounded by that color. I'm a person who likes light blue color and enjoy a sense of calm liveliness it brings!"
Stuff like that, getting to know yourself as if you were getting to know another person
@@wavy6470 thank you for sharing this whoever you are.
I hear you. I would also like to know psychologically, after years of studying this complex behavioural pattern. What is the true self? Just like Buddhism states in a spiritual way. What does science state through its learnings?
Your authentic self is who GOD says you are.
to me, and having been a buddhist myself, i definitely think of "the self" in a similar concept to the "non-self". for example, i'm generous today by showing generosity, but also because i happen to be feeling generous. i have also observed myself to be selfish at other times. so these aspects of me, both generosity and selfishness, are aspects of my ego.
however, i like who i am when i am generous. which means i can be motivated to cultivate more situations where i feel more generous - taking care of my health and wellbeing, so that i feel ever ready to give out of a feeling of abundance.
maybe a vision of the self lies in values or principles. for me to like being generous, it likely also means that i value generosity. but values can change, which is why the self can change.
Listening to this video I had to supress my tears but now I cannot stop.
This is so helpful. Understanding our behaviours. Thank you
Thank you so much for all your videos❤ I just found you here on youtube, and these videos has already helped me very much, you express and explain these things so well! 👍 Blessings to you💫
This is one of my all time favorite videos
42:45 Instead of validating myself for things I have a hard time thinking up to validate myself for, I validate myself for being the lost/unvalidated child. Whew, that feels more un-shaming then having to lie to myself about or come up with affirmations that I really don’t (at this point) believe about my self
"Motive behind the behavior"
Damn!
I am so, all of this that its frightening. And for all the reasons hes mentioned
This is explaining everything about my ex fearful avoidant personality. Cheating, hypersexuality, low self-esteem, constantly looking for attention on social media, and in others. She had me 24/7 still wasn't enough for her. After 1.5 years relationship caught her cheating with old married guy at her job parking lot, I was shocked, confused and traumatized that day May 17 just few months ago. Still shocked seen a beautiful young girl with old married guy realized she very sick and have absolutely no self-worth. So, I breakup with her for good. I had no idea she was avoidant prior to infidelity bc she masked very well, buying me gifts, cooking and going to romantic dates, but her hypersexuality got me suspicious and there was any emotional intimacy or talking about any future with me. Also lacking empathy and morality. But now I noticed that she been neglected and abused as child regardless of having nice house, car and raising a young daughter. Yes, indeed she have complex trauma.
Woww!! This hits the spot.
This is so interesting. I had a thought of this recently and was just reflecting. I am that girl
Blessings from Sweden 🇸🇪
Amazing video, information and understanding thank you so much ❤ x
The problem is that everything we do needs approval from others in order to be successful in life, ie be able to support ourselves and LIVE. I dont want to be homeless so i need a job. In order to keep that job, co workers and bosses need to like me. Whether i am in a lifetrap
or not, the fact remains that nowadays, even if you do a good job at work, if people there dont like you for some reason, they will try and get rid of you therefore you wont have a job and will end up destitute.
Fear lead to look for validation so when you are in a new social situation people won't hurt you!
Pls suggest some books on this topic. This video was so brilliant and answered my questions. Thank you! Thank you.
Thank you so much ❤
Thank you so much for this wonderful video
I feel very called out. And a bit gross, and ashamed. I’ll say no more.
A book that really helped me out was untethered soul by micheal singer
Great nuggets of truth
Well, that hit like a ton of bricks in so many ways.
Right?!
This is me in a nutshell. Thank you!
AT 62 I still sometimes walk around thinking I stick out like a sore thumb... (SO exhausting)
Thank you so much, Sir.
PRAISE THE LORD 🙌🏼✝️✨🙌🏼
Helpful!
Its so easy to slide back in
Oh was definitely this way seeking validation from men but it’s probably tied into all my relationships. I do like to be seen which is why I recently deleted my profile picture bc I know I need to stop this pattern. So I switched it up and began singing and expresses me and posting it to be seen it has helped traemndously but I need to push myself out of my comfort zone for a few more years at least solely working on myself perhaps just for the rest of my life to bc I really want to be me and accept myself whether or not others do so that I can overcome this need to escape myself through another. I noticed my music doesn’t get much attention but it’s helping me to gain back the power I have away to men and friends for years by depending on them to validate me. Hope I can find a level of contentment in life that doesn’t go away and when I do have a relationship again I hope it’s a real one that’s not so dependant. And if I don’t have a relationship again I hope I have a good one with myself.
Most men only have that way to approve women or their caretakers values so don't get discourage if they ignore you but that doesn't mean you have to be a doll. Dolls get broken easily.
In any discipline you need time to achieve a good level of performance but you can also try other ways to express yourself: dancing, writting, drawing...Just enjoy it whatever you choose.
Many artists wanted to achieve excelence in a discipline but found succes and mastery in another.
The Spanish writer Cervantes wanted to be poet but he succeded in prose and created Don Quijote.
I scored a 46 on the self assessment in the video. I believe it is a true assessment. I also think I struggle a LOT with seeking approval and not at all with seeking attention. I would be curious to see a version of this that focuses solely on approval seeking but not attention seeking. There were some symptoms he mentioned that gave me some cognitive dissonance because they were potentially very opposite responses to the same sort of trauma and I wonder how much of that would be resolved by separating these two issues.
I always do something for approval
Tim, do you know me because I think you’re are speaking straight to me!
The reason is that there are a lot of people similar to you, in the sense that they go through similar existential challenges. So the behavior from similar ones got documented and studied by the Psychology science. Of course we are unique in our own ways at the detailed level, but we roughly fit into general patterns - much like the bodies of everyone of us share a human anatomy. The good side of this is that proven treatment, successfully tried on others who are like us, is available to strengthen our mental health.
Hey tim.
How you explain it's really helpful. I am from India and have been on this healing journey for the last 3 years. I am 38 and just now realised how my trauma is affecting my life. I am not that much of a big money maker so hardly afford therapy or something like that. I go to the AA meeting which is really helpful if you give your attention. I watch videos all the time to get out of this situation and it's really harder than drinking. I have been using drugs for all my issues for 25 years my rock bottom is my weed psychosis. After using that weed that day my mental health was disturbed which is still in process some time ok some time bad. I dig down in my past i found a lot. So my question is everything is fine ADHD, cptsd, trauma, past behaviour, bad and good, body symptoms, physical, mental. Now I know everything you can make 1 complete recovery video step by step that can help me and people like me🙏
thank you so much !!!
This is so spot on :/
Wow, this is my core issue
so helpful
Halfway through the video. Feels like I’m getting ROASTED… all love!
I have a 13 y/o with complex trauma who is exactly like the girl described early on. Attention & Approval through provocative behaviors & appearance. Exacerbating this is low cognitive functioning and a strong aversion to learn so school is problematic with positive behaviors in a regular classroom & negative behaviors in special education settings. Definitely has hyper maladaptive needs. Is there hope for this child?😢
I'm 62 yo and I hope I can heal. I'm approval seeker. Maybe you need to compliment her in any other area.
Get advice from a therapist for tips. Don't give up. The brain is not fully developed until 25 yo.
Try to engaged with her in other kind of activities she might like. All children look for their parents approval. Find out what activities she enjoys that are not related to physical approval. She has a Self although she might not know it.
Of course there is hope for your child. Have you asked her if there is anything aside from her school she is interested in learning? Listen to her with curiosity, and gift her an opportunity and agency to explore beyond she knows, developing interests and hobbies, as an individual with support. The possibilities might even lead her to become interested and invested into her own future. It could also be something you even do together, if she likes to.
A thirteen year old is a young adult. Not an adult yet, though her journey is now beginning.
Thank you
I scored a 50+ but I don’t exhibit any of the characteristics of someone seeking approval that were listed. its 100% internal for me, maybe being very antisocial makes it less noticeable . i can only imagine how many other people in the world are seeking validation in stealth mode LOL
To understand it on an intellectual level does not heal it at a core level. Then the shame.
The challenge you list for the unseen, the unvalidated is as you say very fearful for us. It’s fearful, not because of delusion that rejection will happen but because EVERY time we do try the challenge, the rejection ACTUALLY happens. Does anyone else experience this over and over enough to where you are stuck and frozen? I mean I do get that it’s very disgusting to see an adult needing what a child needs. And it’s very disgusting to myself to see this need in myself as an adult. I guess this is why we are called ADULT CHILDREN.
Oh my God I think I may have this, it's the story of my life, literally
I need to learn how to validate myself parent myself its hard sometimes
Maybe que can add the bullying we suffer due to our qualities!!!!
Knowing GOD and his unconditional LOVE and acceptance has helped me overcome this. It's a deep-rooted loneliness because the attention and approval is a lack of connection to others or to yourself. Reading the bible on loneliness has been so helpful in feeling love and seen.
Which passages do you recommend reading? I only ask because the OT is somewhat making me feel less worthy.
How do you know what your authentic self is?
I'm not a psychologist, so take what I say with a grain of salt, but in my view it's simple, even obvious: doing what you want to do to appreciate yourself and your life, not for pleasing others. You have shelved-for-long dreams and projects. If you pick a humble one - say, a hobby you were always curious about, but never created space in your agenda to experiment with it and see where it goes, with no imposed demands, only personal curiosity, you'll quickly discover your authentic self.
I'm called out
Golden🌟
So many of us saying this resonates. Sigh! Why are so many of us going through this!
In high school, I think I did after I used to get attention from certain people & then it seemed to stop suddenly. I think most folks are on autopilot yet they still choose to do things for self at some point. I haven't at least with tasks around house hold!! Anywhere else I'm fine. LoL 😅
This is accurate facts……
I have been educationing myself is very very very hard
all of it....
I always wanted to get approval
I used to seek validation alot
Its hard to be my autistic self sometimes l do have little bit anxiety 😞 when l really should relax
What if you do not care what other people think, but you think what your parents think, even if you are an adult.
Eek! This is me. How uncomfortable!
Im in Raleigh with the brothers
WOW!
g) and gg) certainly go together 🤔
I have always known it doesn't take much to get someone to notice me. But that can trigger my big T. So I hate to have attention brought on to me. Being a trophy wife more than once I hated being offered up and expected to perform. After being sigal for 27 years. I only want and desire is someone to just love me, truly love me where my authentic self can be accepted and understood. ❤