I am SO excited to announce that I've launched a 4+ hour relationship skills course: psychologywithdrana.learnworlds.com/course/the-connection-course For those of you who like videos such as this one and want more, definitely check it out :)
THIS- I literally created my own Support Point system for this exact reason, from 0 ❤️ to 14 ❤️ like in Stardew Valley. Now from this video I plan to revise and update my Support Point System.
I also think of social relationships with the Stardew Valley system xD But with milestones, I do certain activities like staying to sleep only with some people, and then sharing a same bed is like the 10 heart event, telling them certain secrets or traumas of mine is like a 6 heart event and so on
@@user-yh1nm1vy3iI had the same question and did some research. As far I understand, it's a shapeshifter from the Native American legends. It's a monster that is essentially hunger incarnate (and eats humans). Since it's a shapeshifter, it tricks people into being alone and coming to it.
I think the biggest mistake is to completely avoid the risk. If you feel lonely and dont have many friends, maybe its because in order to completely avoid the risk of rejection, you are pushing other people away from you. As soon as you get that nothing is without risk and being rejected is just normal part of everyones life, you will feel better. That, you can trust me. Stay strong.
@@itsjammbi6 I think you just have to know your worth by keeping in mind how you’re feeling and what your goals are. Think about your intentions for the day and work on positive thinking about your strengths and have grace for your weaknesses. Stay present with things and in tune with your emotions and qualities surrounding others and accept that their response or what people might think of you is not in your control and you should just focus on yourself and again, your strengths (showing up for things you care about and expressing what you need to) also, address what your fears are and just recognize and be aware of them and work through them using some of the things I mentioned. I know this reply is a mess but I don’t wanna see no one reply to you because I’m 20 in college and overthink about friendships and relationships.
This used to be me not long ago, I'm doing great efforts in changing my mindset (which is hard af, especially when you've been like that for years) I'm slowly making progress but with some consistent results. Now I feel more secure about myself and engage more in new relationships.
This is actually interesting to think about from the opposite perspective. As in, how do you respond when people are sharing things with you. As someone that has always hated small talk because I thought of it as fake or as only a way to fill the silence, this idea provides a different perspective. One where small talk serves as a way to bridge that gap of vulnerability. I wonder how many potential friends I've turned off because I didn't reciprocate in the early stages of this spectrum.
I know I have definitely thrown many potential friendships out the window by not being reciprocative. It sucks because a lot of them I actually really liked.
Same here. Maybe that’s why I’ve struggled making friends past the playing era. Typically, if someone tries to small-talk with me, I say, “Just get to the point.”
small talk is often a way to find some common ground or a mutual point of interest for a more "significant" conversation. it's not like other people just really love small talk. they just want a safe way to initiate conversation.
Commenting because I wish that I was taught this as a child and that this was a widely known thing. I’ve always struggled with making friends and maintaining them, always either oversharing or undersharing to purposefully drive others away and protect myself. Eventually I found a group of weirdos that I love, most of which I consider 10s, and I let them know as often as I can. Hoping this video can save someone else the years of loneliness so many endure ❤❤❤
Ahhh yes, as opposed to ADHDDBT where you just start with an 8 and then apologize repeatedly whether or not they took it well...then try that five or six more times during a conversation.
@@katfujioka212 "Ugh I know the feeling, it's all good being open until you accidentally let slip something super personal to a stranger ;_;" how do they know you're not lying or exaggerating? It appears to me many people project themselves onto the world instead of realizing that many people experience completely independent realities. It reminds me of the closet homosexual thinking that everyone knows he's gay from small gestures. When in reality these small gestures could be completely unabsorbed by observants or interpreted to be other meaning from the observers own personal reality.
This system kind of reminds me of progressive overload in the gym. It's like your relationship with someone is a muscle or a movement pattern you're trying to make stronger. Thanks, you've given me a lot to think about.
I’m horrible at socializing, but, for almost 2 years now, I’ve been building up a close friendship with someone for the first time since middle school. It was almost magical how, as time went on, we went from solely discussing a commission I ordered from him to talking about our personal lives and being vulnerable with each other. I also found it so fascinating how our conversations would usually start out a level 2 or so and then go up and down throughout the conversation, sometimes even going up to level 9. Unfortunately, though, he recently confided in me, but I didn’t realize that what he told me was supposed to be kept between us, so I told 2 other people, and now, I broke his trust and he’s upset with me. I don’t want to lose this friendship. I worked so hard on it. Update: I overreacted. Everything’s fine between us. 😅
I absolutely loved this. As someone who's a very logical thinker and likes frameworks and progression steps, seeing something I've thought about a lot be so beautifully displayed and summarized in terms of levels, with an actual type of therapy backing it up, was very cool to see. Can't wait to implement this.
@@UncleMerlin The whole video is a masterplan for tactical human interaction, with the goal of sneaking deep(er) into your victim's mind - quite diabolic.
This is terrible for anyone whos autistic/engineer type of personality. Youll come off as calculating and manipulative instead. you cant control the dopamine response in someonelses brain so stop trying to. All this is good for is to not leap into a stranger with random facts about your mom. Being honest and confident is really the only thing that matters. If she likes you it doesnt matter what you say, shell reciprocate. Otherwise take the L and move on to the next one. Also dont forgot to close at some point by asking for a date or similar.
I travelled a lot this summer and what i found super interesting is when i met people in hostels , the friends went way quicker in 7/8 (like after a few days) than in "real" life. And then when you get to see them again it goes back to 5/6 but it takes longer to go back to 7/8 I guess when you are both put in the same vulnerable situation it's way easier to make deep bond but they'll be more short lived
I noticed this as well when I was staying in hostels in my twenties. I remember one time a whole group of us went out to the pub for drinks and had a blast. That also happened when I was younger and living in college residence. I chalked it up to being young but it could also be a sense of togetherness we felt.
I noticed that while traveling by train or airplane I frequently get into quite meaningful conversations with strangers quite fast, and I also thought it might be something about this shared vulnerability of being outside of your comfort zone!
it was just a feeling fling. you don't expect to keep each other in your lives, so you use and dispose as you see fit for the moment.... if you really did expect to see them again, you'd probably both go a lot slower and more carefully, as they could be a permanent acquaintance with long-term consequences for the choices you both make... so emotionally promiscuous lol
Ngl, this is the first thing I've noticed once the video started and I was wondering this myself Plot twist: the doors are actually the walls, and the single wall is the true door.
Super intuitive and shocking to me how I have largely ignored this advice in most of my relationships; I have come off as intense in the past because I have skipped to level 7 and 8 within hours of meeting people.. I grew up in a very forward and transparent family where we didn't keep secrets from one another and learned to communicate vulnerably and transparently. I like the idea of progressive disclosure and matching reciprocity; instead of skipping ahead 3 levels in a conversation, calibrate to reciprocity and maybe even calibrate down a few levels. It may even help me to enjoy the art of conversation. I have bookmarked this video. Thank you.
Did your open-mindedness harm your social approaches in general? I come from a family where I wasn't taught any social skills. My parents were rather old when I was born, I have no siblings and grew up in an isolated countryside. They didn't insist on me making many friends as a kid or made me go to social events, joining clubs etc. Especially my father thought that it would come naturally - somehow - and my mother taught me to back up on emotions and honesty. I developed a very damaging prudity about being to straight forward and revealing shamefull or vulnerable feelings. This video therefore made me understand why I feel uncertain about my social environment, it's because I lack the ability to cross the boarder between level 6 to level 7-acquaintances. So many of my relationships stay superficial, impermanent and unfulfilled. I'm interested in the social opportunities you had while living the complete opposite way of life.
@@randommaddlhat7358 I also had an open household and its sadly led to people abusing the trust, like I go to a high level quickly but people don't regard that as special and then either share it or tease me for whatever I have been open about. Its a double edged sword, because I have quite a few 10s, or enough to feel blessed, but I have been hurt by many people who if I had known about this I would have had the sense to keep very low on the scale. Its interesting to note that the people who have hurt me like this are often very suspicious and not open, almost like they are wary of their own behaviour? Its reached the point where I flat out don't trust cagey people
I’m at a 9 with the person I am interested in and it is reciprocated. So rare for me. He admitted he doesn’t have to put on a facade and feels comfortable and natural with me. That’s all I want
It's very interesting. I've just noticed that I always start at levels 4-5 because I hate small talk and am pretty straightforward. I guess it scares off a lot of people! But sometimes, it results in sharing some personal stories with people you barely know, where you can support each other and connect on a basic human level. Sometimes it's easier to be open to strangers than to relatives.
sounds like a good strategy. You vibe better with straightforward people like yourself and filter out the others who have a more "small-talky" approach which you like less
@@mika274 I have tried Omegle several years ago, but it was a complete failure - either perverts/drunkards/prankers or people with very poor English. Is it good now?
@@Eddison33 it depends. All those people still exist. There are too many people below 18 though which is why I only used it for 2 days. But sometimes you can get a good conversation. You should have low expectations though 😂.
Right! Unfortunately there are times when you overshare and later realize that person isn't the supportive "friend" you had made them out to be in your mind. That's why I now work hard at not oversharing when I'm initially getting to know someone.
We need more voices like this in an online space where the incel pipeline is taking so many teenage boys. I love how this technique and how you present it work to maintain the humanity of the person you're trying to gain intimacy with. I think that's really lacking in the broad space of internet relationship advice.
Since my last relationship I've felt like I can't be open and vulnerable with anybody anymore since it leaves me so open to pain and rejection. But keeping up walls sucks! This showed me that there's a better way, something more sophisticated than a black and white approach to vulnerability. Thank you.
Thanks for this Ana! I always have a hard time connecting to people and be vulnerable with them. My relationships to other people are always between levels 3-4 and 5-6 even to my friends of seven years. Its really hard for me to cultivate meaningful relationships. The very few people I was able to be vulnerable with have become my partners or romatic interest which ended up failing. And I realized that I just wanted to have a friend I can be vulnerable with, like a real friend, but being a highly introverted and independent person it's challenging for me to be that open to someone and establish a deep connection with them. Sometimes its easier for me to confide my problems and feelings to strangers :(
I feel the same, I'm friends with this girl for 6 years but she still feels like a stranger sometimes. I also wonder if we're too different and just staying together for convenience
Now it has become my goal to be more vulnerable to my friends, because I also prefer to only be fully or near-fully honest and open to strangers, and I think that's a problem that we share.
I sometimes feel like this, but coming from an opposite direction. I'm quite of an open book but at the same time very sensitive, so I rush things quickly and sometimes others are not ready or expecting me to say I have feelings for them. Most of the time though, when I've been given the chance to remain friends I choose that and then we do remain friends, but sometimes it's hard for me to avoid certain thoughts and feelings, mostly when they are not physically present. Since it's also very hard for me to take a no for an answer (in many aspects not just affection), acceptance of the fact that others do not want to go beyond a certain threshold of intimacy with me is difficult, even though I am aware that just like me, other people have a free will and I'm nobody to tell them not to exercise it. Having written this down, it seems more obvious than it might be sometimes when our judgement is clouded by many other emotions, especially when they are particularly intense. In the beginning, this led me to closing up, just like you, but thankfully I've managed to put the lessons I've learned into effect. I really hope you can soon get to share a 10 with someone who will share it back to you :)
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS!!! As an autistic person I have struggled so much in life because I don't know how to do connect with others/form friendships and one of the reasons I didn't know what to do was because I was unable to feel when it was appropriate to "level it up" - I would either overshare or (more often) be excessively private. I didn't know how to do it. This technique is going to be amazing, thank you so much!!! I feel excited about the future! Maybe I will be able to change my life! Sending lots of hugs and joy your way!
This is so helpful! It also explains why I tend to have more successful friendships than romantic relationships. I never really get past a level 3-4 romantically, but all of my true friendships get at least to a nine or ten mutually. Really eye-opening
I also find it much easier to have friends (some for many years}, but the romantic thing is a challenge because I blurt out what I feel way before we get to the right stage!
This is very interesting because I feel the opposite. I can’t fathom being in a romantic relationship that isn’t deeper than any of my friends (even though I also have deep relationships with friends a few friends as well).
I'm the opppsite lol, the only times feel close enough to someone to share whatever is when we're romantically envolved. Whenever I try to open up to my friends, I immediatly regret it, it's like all the trust I had before speaking just fades away for no real, tangible reason. That never happens with a partner, only after breaking up.
Like the other two that have responded, I am the opposite. It’s harder for me to reach that kind of level with friends and I admittedly keep them at a distance with most things. I feel as though I can only open up so much to them. I can say that my romantic partners have gotten to know all of me, even the parts I hate lol. I never do regret opening up to them, though. I guess it’s because my brain sees romantic relationships as a space where it’s expected of me to show my entire being (plus they’ve actually seen my naked body lol). Also because it’s highly frowned upon to share intimate details about your partner with others, whereas if a friend were to do so it would be… expected? Unsurprising? I can’t find the right word. Basically, it’s not seen as entirely shocking to most people if a friend gossiped about you…At least from what I’ve noticed.
This is why I'm considering taking psychology in college. This information is unreal levels of useful to me. Having an actual system to follow makes this so much easier because I always end up stuck at 5-6 or accidentally make it a 10 and get immediately rejected. Thanks so much :)
Not gonna lie i did that and it was a waste of time. Just watch videos of it intermittently for the next year and you’ll be just as educated without having to pay to do homework.
Yeah, this kinda stuff would really help me in my early days. I would usually start speaking to new people with level 5-6 and i guess they were kinda weirded out.
I don't know if it's just me. But I really enjoy spending time with people who skip most of the steps and directly jump into level 5/6 because I think that's a good indicator they are trust worthy for me to me vulnerable and match them on that level. This is specially true with people you meet online. For example one of my best friends told me her whole very personal life story 2 weeks after knowing each other which made me a lot more comfortable to tell her about my own.
To add to this, just because you want to increase in levels of intimacy with someone but they don't reciprocate doesn't mean that they are shallow, untrustworthy, incapable of intimacy, or otherwise defective. Nor does it mean that you are unworthy or defective.
this is so helpful. I feel like most of my friendships are stuck between a 6 and 7, where we admit we want to spend time with each other and hang out one on one. I tend to overshare to acquaintances (sadly, not to the point of true friendship) and undershare to my “10’s” (boyfriend, parents, best friends), probably because I’m avoidant and afraid of being hurt by people who’s opinions I care about.
Me too. I'm so stressed in my everyday life that sometimes I escalate from zero to ten very quickly... That means almost every coworker has seem me in an emotional crisis, even when I had no intention to overshare lol
I've had people abuse reciprocation. They would give seemingly intimate insights into their life, beliefs, or past. I would reciprocate in turn, and divulge personal fears and insecurities. I realized too late, that the insights they gave me were far less important to them then they made them seem. Either everyone already knew, they were lies, or they were something I couldn't bring up without looking like a villain. People can use this kind of give and take, to lure you into a false sense of security. They will take you for an emotional roller-coaster, and then throw you away when you've finally broken. I look back and wonder if anything about it was genuine. I've always struggled with not knowing if someone genuinely likes me, or if they are only trying to placate me. I don't really care for level 1-2, and don't really engage with people unless I find it meaningful. I like to be honest and genuine, which leads to me oversharing and going on rants. I've actually been commenting alot more lately, and divulging more to strangers then I ever would to a person I know. The internet is weird huh?
You present information so well with concise reasoning, and your demeanor is so approachable and accepting. It makes understanding these concepts that much easier. You were made for this.
I'm not spared from homework even during the holidays noo. Nonetheless, it's so interesting to see different levels of intimacy mapped out in such detail
thank you so much for posting this. It's actually the first time I see your channel, but your concise way of presenting it and how natural/simple you make this all feel is really nice, I subbed instantly speaking for myself, I've always had difficulty reading other people's intentions and knowing the boundaries of conversation, and I've always imagined this kind of everyday flowchart going like "I say X or act in X way, if it is fitting I do Y, if it's not I do Z" and so on, from facial expression to voice tone to topics of discussion, but it's always been very messy and approximative. actually seeing a simple scale like this to judge a relationship feels refreshing, I genuinely liked it. and now I'll definitely check more of your videos, thank you, really!
Watching I just realised this is something I’ve been doing since I was like 7yo. I moved around a lot in my childhood and that meant making friends over and over again. When I turned like 13 I started calling it in my head “the ladder” I feel like in my adult life I don’t do this as much anymore since I’ve stayed in one place since I haven’t moved for quite some time and I found a friend that I genuinely am close with but yeah…it’s always in the back of my mind and when I feel iffy I usually take a step back until it feels okay again to start climbing up in closeness. Edit: one thing I will add tho when I was younger I was much better at taking it step by step. But since I’ve grown up I find it very difficult and tend to overshare. It’s actually something I’m working on.
Most people learn this at 7. The people who don't know this are largely people with mental, emotional, or neurological disabilities. That's why it's taught in Dialectical Behavior Therapy, and not just...in school. It's very common knowledge, made obvious for people who didn't see it all along for a verity of valid reason.
@@honaleri Thank you! This struck me as so incredibly basic and obvious. I was confused why there is even a video about this, but I guess it's something worth talking about.
Thank you Ana. This is so timely for me :( I’ve been wondering if I struggle with being too vulnerable and I’m glad I found this video. Usually people are in Stage 10 with me, and I find making new friends a little harder
Ah, UA-cam just slapped this across my face tonight (new year's morning), and it is a topic that I've had in-mind for months now in a very serious way. Thank you for making this, so it could transit fall into my lap!
Hi Anna, I've been watching your channel on and off for about a year or so, and I must say; This is one of the best channels I've ever encountered on UA-cam. You make so much information that the majority of people (like me) would miss much more accessible. It's also clear that you understand your demographic really well. I really admire the work you do, in all honesty! I hope to see you continue to thrive on this platform for years to come!
i love this video because it really sounds like it's not just a technique you can use, but rather the way you should always approach getting to know people
I didn't know this is a thing. I always felt off, not being able to make friends or connect with people and didn't know why. I just thought there is something wrong with me, but now it has a name and definition so I can work on it. Thank you 🙏
i definitely used to have gaps in my scale and overshare a lot as soon as i felt almost any level of comfort w people. but now after becoming more secure in myself and being alone (wanting less validation and life advice from everyone lol), i definitely follow these steps and move more throughout the scale. sometimes i move faster depending on the level of reciprocation, but this made me feel good bc i definitely have different people in all these levels and multiple people at level 10. just makes me proud of myself for being vulnerable and taking that chance. BUT ALSO learning how to take smaller risk “jumps” in the level and learning to pace myself when sharing things. just good growth. i love this vid!
Hey Ana, I’m a DBT therapist here in Brazil and I didn’t know this technique; thank you so much for sharing it! It will greatly help in some of my current cases
oh my naevis-glad i saw this at the start of the year. i really needed this last year (3 hours ago) as i wanted to befriend, on an intimate level, a few of my classmates. the year's been tough for me both mentally and socially; it was so hard for me to be vulnerable at times that i needed someone to be there for me.
I relate very strongly with the struggle of black and white thinking. My tendency is to doubt my family's sincerity because I've never felt they feel an emotional connection toward me. I also suffer from magical thinking, for instance, placing strangers at level ten based on their art and creativity typically, sometimes just appearance. I think these tendencies don't affect my life very directly because of how solitary of a person I am. Thank you for making such a logical breakdown of this.
Wow i thought I was just a weirdo, but I do the same magical thinking. Most often with people with similar interests or with lives I admire/am interested in/or would like to live..very interesting you seem to struggle with the same thing. I am also a solitary person if that makes a difference. Thanks for sharing 😅
This is a great breakdown, not just in terms of boundaries but as an autistic person this is super helpful for better understanding this aspect of relationships
As an autistic person I understand and will use the chart to improve my relationships with allistic people so thanks for this. But Id rather start at level 9, work around 3-8 until I open up to level 1-2, then hit level 10. In my mind, as soon as I meet someone I know if I want to spend more time with them and I want them to know Im invested in them. Then as I learn about their intimate emotions and experiences, I become aware of what "small talk" type things would interest them. For instance I would want to know if they actually care about food and what they like to eat before asking if they like their meal because I love food and I will feel strained if they do not match my energy. Or maybe if theyre into interior design and I want to explore their aesthetic preferences then I will say "I like this room what do you think", otherwise why would I bring up the color or anything else about it.
Being autistic as well i can only say that calculating a relationship is a shit advice lol. Just trust your instincts. 99.999% of your body is autonomous and subconscious. You dont control your hormones, dopamine response, gut bacteria or vagus nerve so we shouldnt act as if we are able to. Its important to understand mechanics but we should never rely on it.
Changing the model is like the exact opposite you should do lol. Trust the process, most people don't operate as you'd like it to and that's where the problem lies
@@vriis What process? dont use a model for interacting with other humans lol. Your brain has developed over millions of years to handle it. understand mechanism and let your intuition do what is has done for the last thousands of years.
@@adrianflo6481 idk i personally have a really hard time getting past acquaintance, so having a little help to navigate intimacy at a pace that wont freak out the other person is very helpful to me. I dont need to be told what to do, but how to get there. I agree that intuitive (or as i think of it; whether or not you have chemistry) is very important, but sometimes my inutition is a bit lacking, so when its not helpful having some guidance is.
@@adrianflo6481 I think learning neurotypical methods can help open us up to people and experiences we wouldnt have wanted to miss out on, doesnt mean we should try to force it 100% of the time
wow dude you are so kind. i was scrolling down the youtube with boredom and i saw your video so i don't know about your channel but i think you are a good person and a good doctor. happiness health and success upon you. 🤲
wow. thank you. it made me really think an contemplate who in my life is someone who will be sticking around and those who i want tk stick around with! this is a phenomenal video, and i will be sharing it to a lot of people. thanks a lot
Wow this gives me a lot of perspective on the conversations I've had that always felt off. I've realistically reached up to 9 with partners but the progression and matching the levels in the right way is something I'll need to work on.
Thank you THANK YOU for this 😭😭 I think this is what I’ve been looking for for the past 2 years but I’ve never actually realised it… until now. Truly a life saviour 🙏
This might just be a game changer for me!! I see myself jumping around levels 1-5 as of now but before that I learned it the hard way not to escalate to a level 10 without being reciprocated at the other levels and it stung for a while. Hoping to be able to use this when university continues as i’m currently on break!
New school and throughout the video I noticed every stage in a friendship I had with a person with deep fear intimacy. It was honestly really hard to know that person and it took a short time compared to how long this could've happened (a year and a half). Found out I'm really great at building intimacy at that time but things get messy because I have a disorganized attachment style. That friend ran away (as predicted) but it was really good for both of us at the end. great video, this really does work but I would like to add that: you need to be very observant about the other person's persona. Some people will be highly bored or annoyed at small talk, wanting for more information already ("what do you think about this teacher?") Right off the bat. (Specially as it's hard to keep a conversation going with extremely inpersonal topics). Others will like to keep it at a longer distance and inpersonal for fear, meanwhile others will just enjoy small talk. Don't fix your mind into the actions of these levels, it's good to have them as a basis, but more important on how to manage the conversation.
I really appreciated your input to this material, by adding valuable commentary and also how we can see where we fall, and to improve on it. Would love to see more intimacy-related content from ya!
Thank you Ana for this advice! I love the match plus one method. It’s definitely low risk and less intimidating. From personal experience, I learned that vulnerability not only should be reciprocated, but it has to be earned. I had many friends who I thought I could trust just by confiding in them about my goals, hardships, boys, and my past. Some of them reciprocated, but most of them (including the ones who reciprocated) used the info against me to embarrass me in front of others which deeply hurt me to the core. Could you please make a separate video on how to know your friends’ intentions before being vulnerable with them? Thank you :) ❤️
This is such valuable information! I tend to overshare too much (I think that's common for people with BPD, such as myself), and this is a great exercise to acknowledge that, and be aware of it so I can be more prudent about it, I find this so helpful, thank you so much for sharing, I love your videos, they help me a lot. 🥰🥰
this is super well structured and your examples and elaborations are just the right amount of additional concrete information needed to expand upon the graph to make it easy to grasp. Very informative, thank you! I'll be using this to gauge my relationships from now on, and it will help me build more comfortable connections with people in a healthy way where both I and they feel at ease. Keep up the good work
really glad this popped up in my recommended. i've always struggled with feeling like i cared more about my friends than they cared about me, and i think a lot of that pain could've been avoided if i had know what to look for to see if they were even interested in being as invested as i was. and it doesn't help that i have the tendency to be a pretty open book with new people i even feel decently comfortable with, so like i know at an old job where there was a lot of time to kill chatting with my coworkers, i would quickly escalate to things in levels 5-6 when i had barely even known them and then in retrospect mentally kick myself bc they were clearly not matching the level of intimacy i was. i'm definitely going to keep this resource handy, study it, and really try to keep it in the forefront of my brain from now on, especially meeting new people and building new friendships. thank you immensely!!
Thanks for this video, really helps me think about the super intense starts of relationships where i share every vulnerability then beat myself that I shared that stuff when the relationship ends in a week or 2 weeks. Gonna try a steady level increase for next relationships
Thank you very much, Dr. Ana! I've been searching for such a framework for a long time! FINALLY! For religious and cultural reasons, I suffered discrimination throughout my entire life. Due to the constant malice from people around me, over the years, I gradually adopted an "anti-social mentality". Basically, I perceive everyone as "a potential threat to my personal safety". As a result, I absolutely do not know how to socialize in a genuine manner. I don't even know where to begin! But now, thanks to you, I will at least have a rough idea on what to do, if one day, I'm lucky enough to meet someone who doesn't hate me.
I think most of what I would have to say about the great content you put out has been said by people on the comments, so I would just add: keep it up, we love and appreciate what you do and you are very necessary!
as someone on the asd, this helps so much. i have the capability to be social but i have 0 clue on how to utilise them. this helps a lot since i'm very logic-oriented and can follow a set of tasks rather than make stuff up (this is why i'm not naturally a social butterfly). thanks!
Wow, this opened my eyes to something I hadn't considered about dating. I tend to be very forward and just go out and ask someone "I really like you, would you like to go out sometime?" without really getting to the proper intimacy level. Recently, I had noticed this approach hasn't been working in the way I had hoped, this video just explained why! I'm jumping in too fast without building the proper rapport. Thanks Ana!
i had this video saved for a little while and put off watching it but i'm so glad i finally did. it's really easy-to-grasp information presented in a very straightforward way. as an autistic person, even though it seems like common sense (even to me) that intimacy can be presented on a linear scale, it's difficult for me to observe or analyze in my own relationships and even more difficult to avoid certain pitfalls when talking to people. this gives me a framework that i can use to build confidence which could be really helpful for me
Thank you so much, Ana! I noticed that for me levels 3-4 come after 5-6 because my philosophical disclosures are unpopular, it's a little weird but instead of using it as a filter I tend to hide those things until I'm sure we're deep into the scale. I don't have many friends because I don't trust easily, and find it very hard to do so when talking about me and my opinions. There are a lot of things i'm not familiar with so culturally speaking i'm sort of an outcast. I usually stay in levels 7-8 with my close friends, the closest was a 9.
I mapped it out and realized that I'm frequently on levels 7-8 as well as 9, but you were spot on with people decreasing from 7-8, which is why I have most of mine be on 5-6. I still have trouble with small talk, so I tend to not hover around 1-4 range, but I noticed that my partner usually goes over there. 😅 Definitely really insightful to have these worksheets as it inspires me to talk this over with my therapist. Thank you so much!
This is really interesting and a helpful way to think about forming relationships! I recently had a relationship that went sour because the other person was releasing more emotional information about themself than I was ready to/willing to handle. They got upset that I wasn't matching their energy but never considered that I hadn't felt comfortable being that open
Thank you for making this video. I'm a licensed therapist, and I have long recognized the need to convey this concept of successive stages of intimacy to my clients. However, it's often very hard to turn this abstract principle into concrete, usable examples that my client can understand. But now, I can share this video with my clients in order to give them a basic primer on the topic, and then we'll be free to focus our sessions on developing a greater intuitive grasp of this spectrum! So thank you for making this video. I'm very excited to see what it will be able to do for my clients.
I really appreciate this - thank you so much for sharing :) I tend to have a reasonable amount of relationships in all of the categories except the 7-8 range. I think this is due to the fact that I'm scared to show "true" vulnerability to others unless I have full faith in them, so it kind of skips to the 9 category and continues onwards from there if things go smoothly. Perhaps I will try to work on this with some of my friends that are currently in the 5-6 range to see how it goes.
Wow, I just discovered your channel. This is great information and you present it very well. You are doing a great public service with this content. Thank you.
Ana you have no idea how much this helps. I don't think I've ever had a relationship outside of family where I did anything to form the connection or keep it up (I did have friends, it's just I was always the awkward loner that the somewhat more extroverted/confident person "adopted" without my effort). I'm at a point where I want to change this, as I get older (just turned 18, going to uni next year) less and less people are interested in a friendship like that, where they're the only ones doing the work, and I'm tired of being at the mercy of other people in terms of whether I'm lonely or not. Thing is, I realised that while I want to change this I genuinely have no idea how, because I don't know a thing about how relationships form... This explained something I probably intuitively knew in my subconscious but didn't know how to implement, I think I'll be more confident in talking to people now. Thank you so much!!!
This is so interesting! As a person with adhd and aspergers it's extremely helpful to see these steps in such a clear way! I have always struggled with what and when I should say something. (Specially if I am interested in getting to know someone better 😅) So to avoid pushing them away I tend to be very neutral and that seems to push them away anyways lol Thanks for this video ♥️ and I will def. try to pay closer attention to these steps in my interactions :B
i have been practicing this unorthodoxically for years, i'm glad there is a more doctrinal approach that isn't dry like psychology books or case studies. well explained. thank you.
Honestly i never thought id watch a video on youtube about psychology, but that was as concise as could be. Ive always been the type to struggle with understanding where i stand with people so this kinda blew my mind Really well done, great video and great explanation Easy sub✌🏻
Excellent video. I figured this out eventually, but I wish I had learned it earlier. Kids with ADHD typically have trouble recognizing the granular differences between spots on this scale. 🙂 Either way, just imagine what our world would be like if we all learned this in school. I get the feeling we'd all be a lot better adjusted.
As a guy learning a lot of emotional and physical intimacy rules I wasn’t taught, these videos are so kind and understanding, while still being incredibly constructive and accessible. This really helped me understand that there’s nothing wrong with not being close with someone yet, and there are ways you can communicate a want to be closer/grow more intimate without having to jump all the way to level 10 total trust. I’m going to challenge myself to feel out my relationships with my friends and family a little further and see if I can foster that intimacy
I needed this 😅 I will be coming back to listen because I loved the level breakdowns. I also know how weird it feels since older people are always dumping on me. I’m okay with it, but I also need that reminder that I can’t just approach others already at a 10 because I am okay with it 😬
Great video Ana! Since physical intimacy in married couples (over time) is a huge issue for tons of couples, I’m sure it’ll be very helpful if you can make a video on that topic. You can also cover how couples can deal with such issues and recover from it
My autism needs this information. I always overshare, and probably still will. But in an opposite way I take on a lot of information from others, like there's a guy I met online. My listening and care got him to open up to in one way to a ten within three days of meeting, and this is an affect I have on people. And while I overshare, I always dress it in socially acceptable ways. And knowing this person in this way this quickly I realize now that I do not trust him enough to share my details, and so I cut off the relationship. On top of that we kinda skipped over so many other steps of intamacy. No wonder im never comfortable with anyone, but I can't imagine anyone I've ever met being actually comfortable with who I am, so the exhausting charade continues.
I am also autistic and i related to this in a unimaginable level... You are a outsider too hmm? Don't have a place, a group, a home? You just coexist with people but rarely connect ?
I have the opposite issue, I never go above 1-4, these days more 1-2, I dont share anything and people dont trust me as much. I used to be like this but it's REALLY bad now so much so that it's starting to cause issues
Thanks for the worksheet! I'm autistic, but I like building close relationships with friends, and I really struggle with that. This worksheet will help me have a better understanding of were I am with other people, and when and when not to advance relationships.
I’ve struggled with intimacy in friendships and have always wondered what wasn’t working, so this was really helpful. It would be interesting to hear if/how the lack of vulnerability in today’s modern culture corresponds to the experiences of comments for this video. Thanks Ana! (On an unrelated note: that eyeliner slays!!)
This is fascinating especially because a girl I was dating started out more or less at 7-8 but the longer we went on it's actually dropped to around 3-4; we're still "friends" in the loosest sense of the term since she broke off dating. Retrospectively, I was given a lot of mixed messages on how she was receiving the info I was disclosing, so I never knew how much to lean in or withhold based on how she reacted (jumping between very engaged to very dismissive). When we reconnected some months later, she expressed that she always appreciated that I was emotionally available (after saying I wasn't vulnerable/transparent enough). The whole thing leaves me a bit confused to this day. This video was helpful in that I now have something to gauge with going forward with future relationships.
I think if you have been more open regardless of her actions, it would have given her courage to open herself. Also, once you know each other well, its about finding new ways of creating intimacy
Thank you for this, it is extremely helpful to visualise it this way. The most disappointing thing, is using this scale and then getting to a level 7+ and it not being reciprocal anymore. The friendship you hoped to create can’t be pursued because the other person simply isn’t on board :( rejection is hard. At least this way we can avoid being hurt in the first place.
I am constantly masking trying to conform to unspoken expectations of people around me and find it hard to open up honestly at all it’s scary and vulnerable to be transparent and now I see why that prevents a progression along this chart and getting past even the mid range with people I’ve worked with forever and really appreciate and admire :,) thanks for breaking it down for us I am going to study the steps and try to utilize them
I am SO excited to announce that I've launched a 4+ hour relationship skills course: psychologywithdrana.learnworlds.com/course/the-connection-course
For those of you who like videos such as this one and want more, definitely check it out :)
how come the room you are sitting in is only made of doors? ;o is this some sort of a psychological trick?
"whats your favorite food"
"oh cool, my dad left when i was 5"
😂😂😂
😭
MEEEE 😭😭😭😭
Yeah there are a lot of people who just jump levels
nah bro tf is that emoji😭
I can now live life like a stardew valley character. I will only give next level intimate responses after receiving my two weekly gifts.
have fun with your two weekly catfish willy
@@kinq4539 lmao get owned Willy. Dork.
THIS-
I literally created my own Support Point system for this exact reason, from 0 ❤️ to 14 ❤️ like in Stardew Valley. Now from this video I plan to revise and update my Support Point System.
I was thinking about it in RPG terms. Like let me open my Stat tables and relationship sharts to evaluate my next move. 😂
I also think of social relationships with the Stardew Valley system xD But with milestones, I do certain activities like staying to sleep only with some people, and then sharing a same bed is like the 10 heart event, telling them certain secrets or traumas of mine is like a 6 heart event and so on
as a skinwalker, this video really helped me get closer to my victims. ty
kinda genius ngl
What’s a skinwalker? I hear about it a lot and don’t get it.
@@user-yh1nm1vy3iI had the same question and did some research. As far I understand, it's a shapeshifter from the Native American legends. It's a monster that is essentially hunger incarnate (and eats humans). Since it's a shapeshifter, it tricks people into being alone and coming to it.
@@eggsandbacon1573sounds like something a skinwalker would know
I think the biggest mistake is to completely avoid the risk. If you feel lonely and dont have many friends, maybe its because in order to completely avoid the risk of rejection, you are pushing other people away from you. As soon as you get that nothing is without risk and being rejected is just normal part of everyones life, you will feel better. That, you can trust me. Stay strong.
Thank you for these words. Keeping this in mind for the present and future.
Thank you. It's deep
how do you start accepting that risk because I’m 21 in college with 0 friends in my entire life
@@itsjammbi6 I think you just have to know your worth by keeping in mind how you’re feeling and what your goals are. Think about your intentions for the day and work on positive thinking about your strengths and have grace for your weaknesses. Stay present with things and in tune with your emotions and qualities surrounding others and accept that their response or what people might think of you is not in your control and you should just focus on yourself and again, your strengths (showing up for things you care about and expressing what you need to) also, address what your fears are and just recognize and be aware of them and work through them using some of the things I mentioned. I know this reply is a mess but I don’t wanna see no one reply to you because I’m 20 in college and overthink about friendships and relationships.
This used to be me not long ago, I'm doing great efforts in changing my mindset (which is hard af, especially when you've been like that for years) I'm slowly making progress but with some consistent results. Now I feel more secure about myself and engage more in new relationships.
This is actually interesting to think about from the opposite perspective. As in, how do you respond when people are sharing things with you. As someone that has always hated small talk because I thought of it as fake or as only a way to fill the silence, this idea provides a different perspective. One where small talk serves as a way to bridge that gap of vulnerability. I wonder how many potential friends I've turned off because I didn't reciprocate in the early stages of this spectrum.
I know I have definitely thrown many potential friendships out the window by not being reciprocative. It sucks because a lot of them I actually really liked.
Same here. Maybe that’s why I’ve struggled making friends past the playing era. Typically, if someone tries to small-talk with me, I say, “Just get to the point.”
That is really smart
Ahh, I thought exactly the same when watching the video
small talk is often a way to find some common ground or a mutual point of interest for a more "significant" conversation. it's not like other people just really love small talk. they just want a safe way to initiate conversation.
Homie brought out the rubric to grade my situationship 💀💀
💀💀💀
💀💀💀
This is a good way to calibrate your social skills so you don’t share private info to the wrong people.
blackpiller spotted
yeah
i do that all the time
"I feel positive feelings towards you," is so valid for people who struggle to verbally express affection.
Commenting because I wish that I was taught this as a child and that this was a widely known thing. I’ve always struggled with making friends and maintaining them, always either oversharing or undersharing to purposefully drive others away and protect myself. Eventually I found a group of weirdos that I love, most of which I consider 10s, and I let them know as often as I can. Hoping this video can save someone else the years of loneliness so many endure ❤❤❤
I thought I was the only one with that problem 🥲
Could always be worse. I'm in my 30s with no family and never had a friend in my life.
@@xllab1 I thought everybody knew this
@@iantrolington6594 I hope this video helps you ❤
@@JJ-zb7id I wish watching videos fixed the wiring of a brain lol.
Ahhh yes, as opposed to ADHDDBT where you just start with an 8 and then apologize repeatedly whether or not they took it well...then try that five or six more times during a conversation.
Ugh I know the feeling, it's all good being open until you accidentally let slip something *super* personal to a stranger ;_;
Please define ADHDDBT.
@@peternolan4107 attention deficit hyperactive disorder. And then I'm not familiar with the rest of the acronym.
@@peternolan4107 and dialectical behavioural therapy
@@katfujioka212 "Ugh I know the feeling, it's all good being open until you accidentally let slip something super personal to a stranger ;_;"
how do they know you're not lying or exaggerating? It appears to me many people project themselves onto the world instead of realizing that many people experience completely independent realities. It reminds me of the closet homosexual thinking that everyone knows he's gay from small gestures. When in reality these small gestures could be completely unabsorbed by observants or interpreted to be other meaning from the observers own personal reality.
This system kind of reminds me of progressive overload in the gym. It's like your relationship with someone is a muscle or a movement pattern you're trying to make stronger. Thanks, you've given me a lot to think about.
Exaclty!
Really good point..as a gym rat myself I can see the correlation. I guess things worth having do take time 😅
Well said. The gymcels really are gonna make it lol
Lol it makes so much sense now
Bruh progressive overload has gotten me so far in life. I apply it to everything
I’m horrible at socializing, but, for almost 2 years now, I’ve been building up a close friendship with someone for the first time since middle school. It was almost magical how, as time went on, we went from solely discussing a commission I ordered from him to talking about our personal lives and being vulnerable with each other. I also found it so fascinating how our conversations would usually start out a level 2 or so and then go up and down throughout the conversation, sometimes even going up to level 9. Unfortunately, though, he recently confided in me, but I didn’t realize that what he told me was supposed to be kept between us, so I told 2 other people, and now, I broke his trust and he’s upset with me. I don’t want to lose this friendship. I worked so hard on it.
Update: I overreacted. Everything’s fine between us. 😅
I wish you the best of luck in mending your relationship. I’m sure it’s very important to him as well, y’all can work this out ❤
@@autorka1001 Thanks! We did!
@@rowan404 how is it going now lmao
@@skaio.5279 We haven’t talked much lately. He’s been very busy.
im glad things are fine between u two. pls continue to maintain a friendship like that, it seems genuine. wish u the best of all luck!
I absolutely loved this. As someone who's a very logical thinker and likes frameworks and progression steps, seeing something I've thought about a lot be so beautifully displayed and summarized in terms of levels, with an actual type of therapy backing it up, was very cool to see. Can't wait to implement this.
this feels like the ramblings of a psychopath lol
@@UncleMerlin The whole video is a masterplan for tactical human interaction, with the goal of sneaking deep(er) into your victim's mind - quite diabolic.
im dr6nk, ur cute amigaa! idk wtf ur talking about but you're a nice erson amiga
@@UncleMerlin It absolutely does.
This is terrible for anyone whos autistic/engineer type of personality. Youll come off as calculating and manipulative instead. you cant control the dopamine response in someonelses brain so stop trying to. All this is good for is to not leap into a stranger with random facts about your mom.
Being honest and confident is really the only thing that matters. If she likes you it doesnt matter what you say, shell reciprocate. Otherwise take the L and move on to the next one. Also dont forgot to close at some point by asking for a date or similar.
I travelled a lot this summer and what i found super interesting is when i met people in hostels , the friends went way quicker in 7/8 (like after a few days) than in "real" life. And then when you get to see them again it goes back to 5/6 but it takes longer to go back to 7/8
I guess when you are both put in the same vulnerable situation it's way easier to make deep bond but they'll be more short lived
I noticed this as well when I was staying in hostels in my twenties. I remember one time a whole group of us went out to the pub for drinks and had a blast. That also happened when I was younger and living in college residence. I chalked it up to being young but it could also be a sense of togetherness we felt.
Yeahhh
I noticed that while traveling by train or airplane I frequently get into quite meaningful conversations with strangers quite fast, and I also thought it might be something about this shared vulnerability of being outside of your comfort zone!
That's exactly what I'm going through now
it was just a feeling fling. you don't expect to keep each other in your lives, so you use and dispose as you see fit for the moment.... if you really did expect to see them again, you'd probably both go a lot slower and more carefully, as they could be a permanent acquaintance with long-term consequences for the choices you both make... so emotionally promiscuous lol
Why do you have so many doors?
She went to the Rick and Morty universe and bought some Real Fake Doors 😂
@@rattman96what a random referance😂😂
Ngl, this is the first thing I've noticed once the video started and I was wondering this myself
Plot twist: the doors are actually the walls, and the single wall is the true door.
Closets lol
Life has many doors, Ed Boy 😁
Super intuitive and shocking to me how I have largely ignored this advice in most of my relationships; I have come off as intense in the past because I have skipped to level 7 and 8 within hours of meeting people.. I grew up in a very forward and transparent family where we didn't keep secrets from one another and learned to communicate vulnerably and transparently. I like the idea of progressive disclosure and matching reciprocity; instead of skipping ahead 3 levels in a conversation, calibrate to reciprocity and maybe even calibrate down a few levels. It may even help me to enjoy the art of conversation. I have bookmarked this video. Thank you.
Did your open-mindedness harm your social approaches in general? I come from a family where I wasn't taught any social skills. My parents were rather old when I was born, I have no siblings and grew up in an isolated countryside. They didn't insist on me making many friends as a kid or made me go to social events, joining clubs etc. Especially my father thought that it would come naturally - somehow - and my mother taught me to back up on emotions and honesty. I developed a very damaging prudity about being to straight forward and revealing shamefull or vulnerable feelings. This video therefore made me understand why I feel uncertain about my social environment, it's because I lack the ability to cross the boarder between level 6 to level 7-acquaintances. So many of my relationships stay superficial, impermanent and unfulfilled. I'm interested in the social opportunities you had while living the complete opposite way of life.
@@randommaddlhat7358 I also had an open household and its sadly led to people abusing the trust, like I go to a high level quickly but people don't regard that as special and then either share it or tease me for whatever I have been open about. Its a double edged sword, because I have quite a few 10s, or enough to feel blessed, but I have been hurt by many people who if I had known about this I would have had the sense to keep very low on the scale.
Its interesting to note that the people who have hurt me like this are often very suspicious and not open, almost like they are wary of their own behaviour? Its reached the point where I flat out don't trust cagey people
I think you’re possibly neurodivergent, or it’s because how you were raised
I’m at a 9 with the person I am interested in and it is reciprocated. So rare for me. He admitted he doesn’t have to put on a facade and feels comfortable and natural with me. That’s all I want
love that for you
Same 😩 It’s weird af but I love it. Good luck with him!
that's a nice feeling, isn't it? Best of luck to you both!
that's awesome very happy for u!
@@felipelunap I finally did a couple of days ago yayyy !
It's very interesting. I've just noticed that I always start at levels 4-5 because I hate small talk and am pretty straightforward. I guess it scares off a lot of people! But sometimes, it results in sharing some personal stories with people you barely know, where you can support each other and connect on a basic human level. Sometimes it's easier to be open to strangers than to relatives.
Talking to people on omegle amplifies what you have described here
sounds like a good strategy. You vibe better with straightforward people like yourself and filter out the others who have a more "small-talky" approach which you like less
@@mika274 I have tried Omegle several years ago, but it was a complete failure - either perverts/drunkards/prankers or people with very poor English. Is it good now?
@@Eddison33 it depends. All those people still exist. There are too many people below 18 though which is why I only used it for 2 days.
But sometimes you can get a good conversation. You should have low expectations though 😂.
Right! Unfortunately there are times when you overshare and later realize that person isn't the supportive "friend" you had made them out to be in your mind. That's why I now work hard at not oversharing when I'm initially getting to know someone.
We need more voices like this in an online space where the incel pipeline is taking so many teenage boys. I love how this technique and how you present it work to maintain the humanity of the person you're trying to gain intimacy with. I think that's really lacking in the broad space of internet relationship advice.
I can't take you seriously with that pfp of a femboy and a strange flag probably cringe in the background.
I know YOU aren’t talking with that pfp
@@MontycelA ????
@@MontycelAu just proved their point i fear
@@MontycelAand the name "AddyTheEnby"---these types of people are just left-leaning incels
Since my last relationship I've felt like I can't be open and vulnerable with anybody anymore since it leaves me so open to pain and rejection. But keeping up walls sucks! This showed me that there's a better way, something more sophisticated than a black and white approach to vulnerability. Thank you.
Thanks for this Ana! I always have a hard time connecting to people and be vulnerable with them. My relationships to other people are always between levels 3-4 and 5-6 even to my friends of seven years. Its really hard for me to cultivate meaningful relationships. The very few people I was able to be vulnerable with have become my partners or romatic interest which ended up failing. And I realized that I just wanted to have a friend I can be vulnerable with, like a real friend, but being a highly introverted and independent person it's challenging for me to be that open to someone and establish a deep connection with them. Sometimes its easier for me to confide my problems and feelings to strangers :(
Thank you so much for sharing! :)
I relate to that a lot
I feel the same, I'm friends with this girl for 6 years but she still feels like a stranger sometimes. I also wonder if we're too different and just staying together for convenience
Now it has become my goal to be more vulnerable to my friends, because I also prefer to only be fully or near-fully honest and open to strangers, and I think that's a problem that we share.
I sometimes feel like this, but coming from an opposite direction. I'm quite of an open book but at the same time very sensitive, so I rush things quickly and sometimes others are not ready or expecting me to say I have feelings for them. Most of the time though, when I've been given the chance to remain friends I choose that and then we do remain friends, but sometimes it's hard for me to avoid certain thoughts and feelings, mostly when they are not physically present.
Since it's also very hard for me to take a no for an answer (in many aspects not just affection), acceptance of the fact that others do not want to go beyond a certain threshold of intimacy with me is difficult, even though I am aware that just like me, other people have a free will and I'm nobody to tell them not to exercise it. Having written this down, it seems more obvious than it might be sometimes when our judgement is clouded by many other emotions, especially when they are particularly intense.
In the beginning, this led me to closing up, just like you, but thankfully I've managed to put the lessons I've learned into effect. I really hope you can soon get to share a 10 with someone who will share it back to you :)
Thank you. This helps me realize that intensity isn’t always the best (which is usually how I go about it).
this
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS!!! As an autistic person I have struggled so much in life because I don't know how to do connect with others/form friendships and one of the reasons I didn't know what to do was because I was unable to feel when it was appropriate to "level it up" - I would either overshare or (more often) be excessively private. I didn't know how to do it. This technique is going to be amazing, thank you so much!!! I feel excited about the future! Maybe I will be able to change my life! Sending lots of hugs and joy your way!
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I start w a level 10 with all my bosses on my first day on the job. Thanks 🙏
Lmao
This is so helpful! It also explains why I tend to have more successful friendships than romantic relationships. I never really get past a level 3-4 romantically, but all of my true friendships get at least to a nine or ten mutually. Really eye-opening
I also find it much easier to have friends (some for many years}, but the romantic thing is a challenge because I blurt out what I feel way before we get to the right stage!
This is very interesting because I feel the opposite. I can’t fathom being in a romantic relationship that isn’t deeper than any of my friends (even though I also have deep relationships with friends a few friends as well).
I'm the opppsite lol, the only times feel close enough to someone to share whatever is when we're romantically envolved. Whenever I try to open up to my friends, I immediatly regret it, it's like all the trust I had before speaking just fades away for no real, tangible reason. That never happens with a partner, only after breaking up.
Like the other two that have responded, I am the opposite. It’s harder for me to reach that kind of level with friends and I admittedly keep them at a distance with most things. I feel as though I can only open up so much to them. I can say that my romantic partners have gotten to know all of me, even the parts I hate lol. I never do regret opening up to them, though. I guess it’s because my brain sees romantic relationships as a space where it’s expected of me to show my entire being (plus they’ve actually seen my naked body lol). Also because it’s highly frowned upon to share intimate details about your partner with others, whereas if a friend were to do so it would be… expected? Unsurprising? I can’t find the right word. Basically, it’s not seen as entirely shocking to most people if a friend gossiped about you…At least from what I’ve noticed.
we are the same! I've been always lucky with friendships but not so much with romantic relationships.
This is why I'm considering taking psychology in college. This information is unreal levels of useful to me. Having an actual system to follow makes this so much easier because I always end up stuck at 5-6 or accidentally make it a 10 and get immediately rejected. Thanks so much :)
programmer of course. i feel the same way as you.
Not gonna lie i did that and it was a waste of time. Just watch videos of it intermittently for the next year and you’ll be just as educated without having to pay to do homework.
Yeah, this kinda stuff would really help me in my early days. I would usually start speaking to new people with level 5-6 and i guess they were kinda weirded out.
That username made me laugh and I hate it.
@@AmazingRebel23 Do you have any recommendations on some helpful videos?
I don't know if it's just me. But I really enjoy spending time with people who skip most of the steps and directly jump into level 5/6 because I think that's a good indicator they are trust worthy for me to me vulnerable and match them on that level. This is specially true with people you meet online. For example one of my best friends told me her whole very personal life story 2 weeks after knowing each other which made me a lot more comfortable to tell her about my own.
To add to this, just because you want to increase in levels of intimacy with someone but they don't reciprocate doesn't mean that they are shallow, untrustworthy, incapable of intimacy, or otherwise defective. Nor does it mean that you are unworthy or defective.
this is so helpful. I feel like most of my friendships are stuck between a 6 and 7, where we admit we want to spend time with each other and hang out one on one. I tend to overshare to acquaintances (sadly, not to the point of true friendship) and undershare to my “10’s” (boyfriend, parents, best friends), probably because I’m avoidant and afraid of being hurt by people who’s opinions I care about.
hello carbon copy of me who further proves none of us have original lives
@@ratziboi2266 we need to meet
We'll have a meet-cute, share all feelings, including where we hide bodies, and then avoid each other for eternity. Count me in!
@𝙰𝚛𝚒𝚏𝚞𝚖𝚒 It's about intimacy, like how much you're revealing about yourself to different people
Me too. I'm so stressed in my everyday life that sometimes I escalate from zero to ten very quickly... That means almost every coworker has seem me in an emotional crisis, even when I had no intention to overshare lol
I've had people abuse reciprocation. They would give seemingly intimate insights into their life, beliefs, or past. I would reciprocate in turn, and divulge personal fears and insecurities. I realized too late, that the insights they gave me were far less important to them then they made them seem. Either everyone already knew, they were lies, or they were something I couldn't bring up without looking like a villain. People can use this kind of give and take, to lure you into a false sense of security. They will take you for an emotional roller-coaster, and then throw you away when you've finally broken.
I look back and wonder if anything about it was genuine. I've always struggled with not knowing if someone genuinely likes me, or if they are only trying to placate me. I don't really care for level 1-2, and don't really engage with people unless I find it meaningful. I like to be honest and genuine, which leads to me oversharing and going on rants. I've actually been commenting alot more lately, and divulging more to strangers then I ever would to a person I know. The internet is weird huh?
I think this is why this video made me feel really anxious
Omg maybe you are a little traumatized
I see you. You're valid.
The internet? Yeah if you can’t see their face it’s harder to know if someone is genuine
@@Snoop_Dugg 👁️👄👁️
You present information so well with concise reasoning, and your demeanor is so approachable and accepting. It makes understanding these concepts that much easier. You were made for this.
I feel like I knew this concept implicitly but never was able to put it into words.
I'm really happy that you did 👍
I'm not spared from homework even during the holidays noo. Nonetheless, it's so interesting to see different levels of intimacy mapped out in such detail
hahaha am I the only one that finds self-improvement homework fun?
@@AnaPsychology definitely not! :)
i’m watching this for fun 😅
I wish I didn't have to learn this info the hard way lmao
Hello, just found your videos. Holy moley you are one of the best communicators/speakers I've ever listened to.
thank you so much for posting this. It's actually the first time I see your channel, but your concise way of presenting it and how natural/simple you make this all feel is really nice, I subbed instantly
speaking for myself, I've always had difficulty reading other people's intentions and knowing the boundaries of conversation, and I've always imagined this kind of everyday flowchart going like "I say X or act in X way, if it is fitting I do Y, if it's not I do Z" and so on, from facial expression to voice tone to topics of discussion, but it's always been very messy and approximative. actually seeing a simple scale like this to judge a relationship feels refreshing, I genuinely liked it. and now I'll definitely check more of your videos, thank you, really!
Watching I just realised this is something I’ve been doing since I was like 7yo. I moved around a lot in my childhood and that meant making friends over and over again. When I turned like 13 I started calling it in my head “the ladder” I feel like in my adult life I don’t do this as much anymore since I’ve stayed in one place since I haven’t moved for quite some time and I found a friend that I genuinely am close with but yeah…it’s always in the back of my mind and when I feel iffy I usually take a step back until it feels okay again to start climbing up in closeness.
Edit: one thing I will add tho when I was younger I was much better at taking it step by step. But since I’ve grown up I find it very difficult and tend to overshare. It’s actually something I’m working on.
Most people learn this at 7.
The people who don't know this are largely people with mental, emotional, or neurological disabilities. That's why it's taught in Dialectical Behavior Therapy, and not just...in school. It's very common knowledge, made obvious for people who didn't see it all along for a verity of valid reason.
@@honaleri Thank you! This struck me as so incredibly basic and obvious. I was confused why there is even a video about this, but I guess it's something worth talking about.
Thank you Ana. This is so timely for me :( I’ve been wondering if I struggle with being too vulnerable and I’m glad I found this video. Usually people are in Stage 10 with me, and I find making new friends a little harder
Ah, UA-cam just slapped this across my face tonight (new year's morning), and it is a topic that I've had in-mind for months now in a very serious way. Thank you for making this, so it could transit fall into my lap!
Hi Anna, I've been watching your channel on and off for about a year or so, and I must say; This is one of the best channels I've ever encountered on UA-cam. You make so much information that the majority of people (like me) would miss much more accessible. It's also clear that you understand your demographic really well. I really admire the work you do, in all honesty! I hope to see you continue to thrive on this platform for years to come!
i love this video because it really sounds like it's not just a technique you can use, but rather the way you should always approach getting to know people
I didn't know this is a thing. I always felt off, not being able to make friends or connect with people and didn't know why. I just thought there is something wrong with me, but now it has a name and definition so I can work on it. Thank you 🙏
i definitely used to have gaps in my scale and overshare a lot as soon as i felt almost any level of comfort w people. but now after becoming more secure in myself and being alone (wanting less validation and life advice from everyone lol), i definitely follow these steps and move more throughout the scale. sometimes i move faster depending on the level of reciprocation, but this made me feel good bc i definitely have different people in all these levels and multiple people at level 10. just makes me proud of myself for being vulnerable and taking that chance. BUT ALSO learning how to take smaller risk “jumps” in the level and learning to pace myself when sharing things. just good growth. i love this vid!
Thank you Ana ❤ I really appreciate your work here and it is exactly what I need in this point of my life 🙏🏼
Hey Ana, I’m a DBT therapist here in Brazil and I didn’t know this technique; thank you so much for sharing it! It will greatly help in some of my current cases
I love this Thank you Ana. This is exactly what I needed. I have been looking for a tool to increase and measure my vulnerability with my coworkers 🙏🏽
oh my naevis-glad i saw this at the start of the year. i really needed this last year (3 hours ago) as i wanted to befriend, on an intimate level, a few of my classmates. the year's been tough for me both mentally and socially; it was so hard for me to be vulnerable at times that i needed someone to be there for me.
I relate very strongly with the struggle of black and white thinking. My tendency is to doubt my family's sincerity because I've never felt they feel an emotional connection toward me. I also suffer from magical thinking, for instance, placing strangers at level ten based on their art and creativity typically, sometimes just appearance. I think these tendencies don't affect my life very directly because of how solitary of a person I am. Thank you for making such a logical breakdown of this.
Wow i thought I was just a weirdo, but I do the same magical thinking. Most often with people with similar interests or with lives I admire/am interested in/or would like to live..very interesting you seem to struggle with the same thing. I am also a solitary person if that makes a difference. Thanks for sharing 😅
This is a great breakdown, not just in terms of boundaries but as an autistic person this is super helpful for better understanding this aspect of relationships
As an autistic person I understand and will use the chart to improve my relationships with allistic people so thanks for this. But Id rather start at level 9, work around 3-8 until I open up to level 1-2, then hit level 10. In my mind, as soon as I meet someone I know if I want to spend more time with them and I want them to know Im invested in them. Then as I learn about their intimate emotions and experiences, I become aware of what "small talk" type things would interest them. For instance I would want to know if they actually care about food and what they like to eat before asking if they like their meal because I love food and I will feel strained if they do not match my energy. Or maybe if theyre into interior design and I want to explore their aesthetic preferences then I will say "I like this room what do you think", otherwise why would I bring up the color or anything else about it.
Being autistic as well i can only say that calculating a relationship is a shit advice lol. Just trust your instincts. 99.999% of your body is autonomous and subconscious. You dont control your hormones, dopamine response, gut bacteria or vagus nerve so we shouldnt act as if we are able to.
Its important to understand mechanics but we should never rely on it.
Changing the model is like the exact opposite you should do lol. Trust the process, most people don't operate as you'd like it to and that's where the problem lies
@@vriis What process? dont use a model for interacting with other humans lol. Your brain has developed over millions of years to handle it. understand mechanism and let your intuition do what is has done for the last thousands of years.
@@adrianflo6481 idk i personally have a really hard time getting past acquaintance, so having a little help to navigate intimacy at a pace that wont freak out the other person is very helpful to me. I dont need to be told what to do, but how to get there. I agree that intuitive (or as i think of it; whether or not you have chemistry) is very important, but sometimes my inutition is a bit lacking, so when its not helpful having some guidance is.
@@adrianflo6481 I think learning neurotypical methods can help open us up to people and experiences we wouldnt have wanted to miss out on, doesnt mean we should try to force it 100% of the time
wow dude you are so kind. i was scrolling down the youtube with boredom and i saw your video so i don't know about your channel but i think you are a good person and a good doctor.
happiness health and success upon you. 🤲
wow. thank you. it made me really think an contemplate who in my life is someone who will be sticking around and those who i want tk stick around with! this is a phenomenal video, and i will be sharing it to a lot of people. thanks a lot
Wow this gives me a lot of perspective on the conversations I've had that always felt off. I've realistically reached up to 9 with partners but the progression and matching the levels in the right way is something I'll need to work on.
As an autistic people, this video and chart is a holy graal. Thanks so much !
RODBT seems to be made directly with autistic people in mind
Thank you THANK YOU for this 😭😭 I think this is what I’ve been looking for for the past 2 years but I’ve never actually realised it… until now. Truly a life saviour 🙏
I love how straight to the point this is, and how helpful.
This might just be a game changer for me!! I see myself jumping around levels 1-5 as of now but before that I learned it the hard way not to escalate to a level 10 without being reciprocated at the other levels and it stung for a while. Hoping to be able to use this when university continues as i’m currently on break!
New school and throughout the video I noticed every stage in a friendship I had with a person with deep fear intimacy. It was honestly really hard to know that person and it took a short time compared to how long this could've happened (a year and a half). Found out I'm really great at building intimacy at that time but things get messy because I have a disorganized attachment style. That friend ran away (as predicted) but it was really good for both of us at the end.
great video, this really does work but I would like to add that: you need to be very observant about the other person's persona. Some people will be highly bored or annoyed at small talk, wanting for more information already ("what do you think about this teacher?") Right off the bat. (Specially as it's hard to keep a conversation going with extremely inpersonal topics). Others will like to keep it at a longer distance and inpersonal for fear, meanwhile others will just enjoy small talk. Don't fix your mind into the actions of these levels, it's good to have them as a basis, but more important on how to manage the conversation.
I really appreciated your input to this material, by adding valuable commentary and also how we can see where we fall, and to improve on it. Would love to see more intimacy-related content from ya!
Your UA-cam Videos are so high quality and useful. I watched you a lot and I hope your channel continues to grow!
Thank you Ana for this advice! I love the match plus one method. It’s definitely low risk and less intimidating. From personal experience, I learned that vulnerability not only should be reciprocated, but it has to be earned. I had many friends who I thought I could trust just by confiding in them about my goals, hardships, boys, and my past. Some of them reciprocated, but most of them (including the ones who reciprocated) used the info against me to embarrass me in front of others which deeply hurt me to the core. Could you please make a separate video on how to know your friends’ intentions before being vulnerable with them? Thank you :) ❤️
This is such valuable information! I tend to overshare too much (I think that's common for people with BPD, such as myself), and this is a great exercise to acknowledge that, and be aware of it so I can be more prudent about it, I find this so helpful, thank you so much for sharing, I love your videos, they help me a lot. 🥰🥰
this is super well structured and your examples and elaborations are just the right amount of additional concrete information needed to expand upon the graph to make it easy to grasp. Very informative, thank you! I'll be using this to gauge my relationships from now on, and it will help me build more comfortable connections with people in a healthy way where both I and they feel at ease. Keep up the good work
really glad this popped up in my recommended. i've always struggled with feeling like i cared more about my friends than they cared about me, and i think a lot of that pain could've been avoided if i had know what to look for to see if they were even interested in being as invested as i was. and it doesn't help that i have the tendency to be a pretty open book with new people i even feel decently comfortable with, so like i know at an old job where there was a lot of time to kill chatting with my coworkers, i would quickly escalate to things in levels 5-6 when i had barely even known them and then in retrospect mentally kick myself bc they were clearly not matching the level of intimacy i was. i'm definitely going to keep this resource handy, study it, and really try to keep it in the forefront of my brain from now on, especially meeting new people and building new friendships. thank you immensely!!
oof, i feel this!
Thanks for this video, really helps me think about the super intense starts of relationships where i share every vulnerability then beat myself that I shared that stuff when the relationship ends in a week or 2 weeks. Gonna try a steady level increase for next relationships
Thank you very much, Dr. Ana! I've been searching for such a framework for a long time! FINALLY!
For religious and cultural reasons, I suffered discrimination throughout my entire life. Due to the constant malice from people around me, over the years, I gradually adopted an "anti-social mentality". Basically, I perceive everyone as "a potential threat to my personal safety".
As a result, I absolutely do not know how to socialize in a genuine manner. I don't even know where to begin! But now, thanks to you, I will at least have a rough idea on what to do, if one day, I'm lucky enough to meet someone who doesn't hate me.
I think most of what I would have to say about the great content you put out has been said by people on the comments, so I would just add: keep it up, we love and appreciate what you do and you are very necessary!
This is genius. A great way to navigate social situations more mindfully.
as someone on the asd, this helps so much. i have the capability to be social but i have 0 clue on how to utilise them. this helps a lot since i'm very logic-oriented and can follow a set of tasks rather than make stuff up (this is why i'm not naturally a social butterfly). thanks!
Wow, this opened my eyes to something I hadn't considered about dating. I tend to be very forward and just go out and ask someone "I really like you, would you like to go out sometime?" without really getting to the proper intimacy level. Recently, I had noticed this approach hasn't been working in the way I had hoped, this video just explained why! I'm jumping in too fast without building the proper rapport. Thanks Ana!
i had this video saved for a little while and put off watching it but i'm so glad i finally did. it's really easy-to-grasp information presented in a very straightforward way. as an autistic person, even though it seems like common sense (even to me) that intimacy can be presented on a linear scale, it's difficult for me to observe or analyze in my own relationships and even more difficult to avoid certain pitfalls when talking to people. this gives me a framework that i can use to build confidence which could be really helpful for me
Thank you so much, Ana! I noticed that for me levels 3-4 come after 5-6 because my philosophical disclosures are unpopular, it's a little weird but instead of using it as a filter I tend to hide those things until I'm sure we're deep into the scale. I don't have many friends because I don't trust easily, and find it very hard to do so when talking about me and my opinions. There are a lot of things i'm not familiar with so culturally speaking i'm sort of an outcast. I usually stay in levels 7-8 with my close friends, the closest was a 9.
I mapped it out and realized that I'm frequently on levels 7-8 as well as 9, but you were spot on with people decreasing from 7-8, which is why I have most of mine be on 5-6. I still have trouble with small talk, so I tend to not hover around 1-4 range, but I noticed that my partner usually goes over there. 😅
Definitely really insightful to have these worksheets as it inspires me to talk this over with my therapist. Thank you so much!
Idk of you'll read this but this has given me so much clarity about myself and how i handle social interaction. Thank you
This is really interesting and a helpful way to think about forming relationships! I recently had a relationship that went sour because the other person was releasing more emotional information about themself than I was ready to/willing to handle. They got upset that I wasn't matching their energy but never considered that I hadn't felt comfortable being that open
Thank you for making this video. I'm a licensed therapist, and I have long recognized the need to convey this concept of successive stages of intimacy to my clients. However, it's often very hard to turn this abstract principle into concrete, usable examples that my client can understand. But now, I can share this video with my clients in order to give them a basic primer on the topic, and then we'll be free to focus our sessions on developing a greater intuitive grasp of this spectrum! So thank you for making this video. I'm very excited to see what it will be able to do for my clients.
I really appreciate this - thank you so much for sharing :) I tend to have a reasonable amount of relationships in all of the categories except the 7-8 range. I think this is due to the fact that I'm scared to show "true" vulnerability to others unless I have full faith in them, so it kind of skips to the 9 category and continues onwards from there if things go smoothly. Perhaps I will try to work on this with some of my friends that are currently in the 5-6 range to see how it goes.
Wow, I just discovered your channel. This is great information and you present it very well. You are doing a great public service with this content. Thank you.
I wish I knew about this concept earlier; it feels like a great way to contextualize those ideas. Helpful and great vid!
Ana you have no idea how much this helps. I don't think I've ever had a relationship outside of family where I did anything to form the connection or keep it up (I did have friends, it's just I was always the awkward loner that the somewhat more extroverted/confident person "adopted" without my effort).
I'm at a point where I want to change this, as I get older (just turned 18, going to uni next year) less and less people are interested in a friendship like that, where they're the only ones doing the work, and I'm tired of being at the mercy of other people in terms of whether I'm lonely or not.
Thing is, I realised that while I want to change this I genuinely have no idea how, because I don't know a thing about how relationships form... This explained something I probably intuitively knew in my subconscious but didn't know how to implement, I think I'll be more confident in talking to people now. Thank you so much!!!
This is so interesting!
As a person with adhd and aspergers it's extremely helpful to see these steps in such a clear way! I have always struggled with what and when I should say something. (Specially if I am interested in getting to know someone better 😅) So to avoid pushing them away I tend to be very neutral and that seems to push them away anyways lol
Thanks for this video ♥️ and I will def. try to pay closer attention to these steps in my interactions :B
same (i also have adhd and low support autism) I always feel like im scaring people away and never know what im doing wrong so this video is helpful
i have been practicing this unorthodoxically for years, i'm glad there is a more doctrinal approach that isn't dry like psychology books or case studies. well explained. thank you.
Honestly i never thought id watch a video on youtube about psychology, but that was as concise as could be.
Ive always been the type to struggle with understanding where i stand with people so this kinda blew my mind
Really well done, great video and great explanation
Easy sub✌🏻
Excellent video. I figured this out eventually, but I wish I had learned it earlier. Kids with ADHD typically have trouble recognizing the granular differences between spots on this scale. 🙂
Either way, just imagine what our world would be like if we all learned this in school. I get the feeling we'd all be a lot better adjusted.
As a guy learning a lot of emotional and physical intimacy rules I wasn’t taught, these videos are so kind and understanding, while still being incredibly constructive and accessible. This really helped me understand that there’s nothing wrong with not being close with someone yet, and there are ways you can communicate a want to be closer/grow more intimate without having to jump all the way to level 10 total trust. I’m going to challenge myself to feel out my relationships with my friends and family a little further and see if I can foster that intimacy
I needed this 😅 I will be coming back to listen because I loved the level breakdowns. I also know how weird it feels since older people are always dumping on me. I’m okay with it, but I also need that reminder that I can’t just approach others already at a 10 because I am okay with it 😬
This video is so useful! Find myself forgetting the exercise but when it sticks in my brain my relationships with all my friends blossom so much
Great video Ana!
Since physical intimacy in married couples (over time) is a huge issue for tons of couples, I’m sure it’ll be very helpful if you can make a video on that topic.
You can also cover how couples can deal with such issues and recover from it
My autism needs this information. I always overshare, and probably still will.
But in an opposite way I take on a lot of information from others, like there's a guy I met online. My listening and care got him to open up to in one way to a ten within three days of meeting, and this is an affect I have on people. And while I overshare, I always dress it in socially acceptable ways. And knowing this person in this way this quickly I realize now that I do not trust him enough to share my details, and so I cut off the relationship. On top of that we kinda skipped over so many other steps of intamacy. No wonder im never comfortable with anyone, but I can't imagine anyone I've ever met being actually comfortable with who I am, so the exhausting charade continues.
I am also autistic and i related to this in a unimaginable level...
You are a outsider too hmm? Don't have a place, a group, a home? You just coexist with people but rarely connect ?
When you say share it in socially acceptable ways do you mean self deprecating humor?
I have the opposite issue, I never go above 1-4, these days more 1-2, I dont share anything and people dont trust me as much. I used to be like this but it's REALLY bad now so much so that it's starting to cause issues
I always practise this but never knew it has a name to it. Informative video. I'm glad I'm subscribed to this channel.
Thanks for the worksheet! I'm autistic, but I like building close relationships with friends, and I really struggle with that.
This worksheet will help me have a better understanding of were I am with other people, and when and when not to advance relationships.
I’ve struggled with intimacy in friendships and have always wondered what wasn’t working, so this was really helpful. It would be interesting to hear if/how the lack of vulnerability in today’s modern culture corresponds to the experiences of comments for this video. Thanks Ana!
(On an unrelated note: that eyeliner slays!!)
Thank you, I will be sure to watch out for anyone trying to use such tactics against me in the future.
i didn't really grow up with boundaries and i used to over share with anyone who would listen. this video is so helpful thank you
This is so helpful !
Thank you, Ana, for sharing this with us.
This is fascinating especially because a girl I was dating started out more or less at 7-8 but the longer we went on it's actually dropped to around 3-4; we're still "friends" in the loosest sense of the term since she broke off dating. Retrospectively, I was given a lot of mixed messages on how she was receiving the info I was disclosing, so I never knew how much to lean in or withhold based on how she reacted (jumping between very engaged to very dismissive). When we reconnected some months later, she expressed that she always appreciated that I was emotionally available (after saying I wasn't vulnerable/transparent enough).
The whole thing leaves me a bit confused to this day. This video was helpful in that I now have something to gauge with going forward with future relationships.
She's very confused, I'd say 🤔
I think if you have been more open regardless of her actions, it would have given her courage to open herself. Also, once you know each other well, its about finding new ways of creating intimacy
Thank you for this, it is extremely helpful to visualise it this way.
The most disappointing thing, is using this scale and then getting to a level 7+ and it not being reciprocal anymore.
The friendship you hoped to create can’t be pursued because the other person simply isn’t on board :( rejection is hard. At least this way we can avoid being hurt in the first place.
Something I've had to learn: it takes two people to make a friendship. It doesn't make it easy though, when somebody stops reciprocating.
@@terrortalks3037 100%
Sometimes you have to learn to let go
Your videos are so great and down to earth. I appreciate the examples
I am constantly masking trying to conform to unspoken expectations of people around me and find it hard to open up honestly at all it’s scary and vulnerable to be transparent and now I see why that prevents a progression along this chart and getting past even the mid range with people I’ve worked with forever and really appreciate and admire :,) thanks for breaking it down for us I am going to study the steps and try to utilize them