Trained not to cry: the challenge of being a soldier | Richard Doss | TEDxNaperville
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- Опубліковано 5 гру 2016
- Members and Veterans of the US Armed Forces have unacceptably high suicide rates. Why?
It's not the combat experience like one would suggest, but a much more complex issue that needs to be talked about.
Dr. Richard Doss is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and works for the Veterans Administration Vet Center. He is also a former Department of Defense Suicide Prevention Program Manager for the United States Army Reserve, training commanders, soldiers, and their families on suicide prevention and assisting over 13,000 soldiers in 26 states and Puerto Rico. Certified in Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training (ASIST), Richard has trained hundreds of Soldiers and their families in the art of Suicide Awareness and Suicide Prevention.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at ted.com/tedx
"While Soldiers are not afraid of dying, some Soldiers find it difficult to find a reason to keep living." - Richard Doss
That statement sums it up perfectly.
That hit me the hardest.
Why is that?
@@Angelxbaby88 I feel like there are many answers to this, or a combination of many, anyways. Perhaps it's a lack of pre-established purpose that is going unfilled in the civilian sector combined with something like a callus to death that leaves life feeling less precious.
So so so true
I was told by my master sergeant said to me when i finished my phase 2 that you are a soldier now be hard be tough, but only when you are in uniform at the end of the day and you take it off open up your heart and let your emotions out thats how to survive is the world.. that has stays with me after 10 years and i still do it everyday...
I find this comment very, very valuable. Letting your emotions out is hard and tough for a man, especially a soldier. I like to listen to the song "Keeping the Faith" by Billy Joel. It is not a military song, however, the lyrics are great. He sings, "I found that a man ain't just bein macho." ... and "I learned I could dance and still look tough anyway." The message is there. Opening up is tough. You can be emotional about these things because those emotions are not ones a civilian would have. They are tough emotions, manly emotions.
That is how you cure PTSD -- you finally process the emotions (open your heart) that you repressed when you experienced whatever horrible things you experienced. Until you do, your brain will keep bringing it up. It is called "flashbacks".
Stuart Owens I wish I had gotten this advice
That's good stuff!
Last Vortex in the Marine Corps... they told us to be Men not boys like the ARMY
This hits me hard. I am an army veteran and I had multiple suicide attempts while I was in the service. You don't realize it but the military is hard, stressful, and scares you because you may end up in a mental health facility and there you wake up 0500 eat breakfast mingle then go into therapy. The weekend of memorial day I attempted suicide for the final time I drank enough alcohol to be at .38 six hours after my booze was taken away from me I was about to jump off the third story of my barracks. The days following up to that event I stopped eating I was prepared to lose my life and I was ok with it because then I wouldn't have to ask for help. I spent 6 months in the alcohol substance abuse program. Where they forced me to talk about my problems 1 hour a week there was no rank involved and well we were just people our outer layer of skin and grit crept away slowly and we talked. I still struggle with depression everyday and yet I still get up even when I feel the brunt of it all crashing around and I tell myself you still got fight in you. I tell myself that everyday just to get out of bed. I also struggle with making friends that doesn't help the depression and yet I still get out of bed. Why? Because I still have fight in me
God bless you
Shoddy Viceroy really respectable man. Proud of you.
Shoddy Viceroy love you man, thank you for your service
Thank you for your service. Always remember that there is light after dark.
God bless you
A metaphor that could be effective: military personnel are like a very hard steel, you put all of pressure on it and there are no external signs of stress or damage until it just breaks
It is called PTSD.
I broke and now I'm facing UCMJ action. This should be fixed, more understanding. Yes what I did was wrong but the underlying stressors of being deployed and constantly working, chips away at the steel
The man's voice is very powerful and engaging
beef stew
Oh for fuck’s sake this is one of the worst oral deliveries that I’ve ever suffered through. A public speaker simply can not emphasize every single word literally kill me already...
So is mine
@@devitomichael I can already tell this hit you in your emotions by how you passionately wrote your message.
*Calm down friend*, whatever ails you it's okay, pray to God or seek a Counselor that is professional.
*Holding it in forever will be your demise*, skeletons inevitably come out of our closets.
He sounds like Colin Powell when he was younger or Malcom X.
i love his voice, he's gotta read green eggs and ham sometime
such a random choice but such a good one lol
James Poe lol!!!!!!!!!
My dude. Show some respect. This man has earned that much
Zak Winters i completely respect him and everything he's done, but you've gotta admit, he's got a nice voice
@@drcat1337 yeah i can agree on that.
I thought you were making fun with green eggs and ham part. My bad dude
From personal experience, I can tell you the military also teaches you to separate your mind from your emotions. You cannot survive on the battlefield unless you've "mastered" this task. You have to learn that emotions will get you killed in combat because it causes you to second guess yourself and if you second guess yourself, then the enemy has the opportunity to kill YOU. You must learn to flip it on and off like a switch. When you are in training or in combat, the switch must be turned off. When you are off duty and with your family, friends, and loved ones you need to turn it back on as your emotions is what makes you the person you are. I served 21 years. In those years I had to learn very early in my career that your emotions will do you no good when in uniform. You must act instinctively and without second guessing yourself because it's the training that you've mastered that will keep you alive. If anything else, you remember that the most. The problem is that also carries over into your relationship with your spouse, then you are told that you are cold hearted because you no longer can express yourself emotionally and you begin to drift apart. The only people that understand and relate to you are those with which you served. You are closer to them than your own family, spouse, and children. Thus the only comfort you feel you can receive is from your battle buddies, your "military family", your brother in arms. It also spirals when you leave the military as you have a very difficult time adjusting to what socially correct norms are. I can write a book on this through my own experiences but the point is you are trained to be a machine - to react, survive, and complete your mission; nothing more. You must exist without emotion, something we are genetically programmed to express and use in everyday life. And that is what makes the life of any service member extremely difficult with which to cope because you no longer possess that trait.
Excellent comment. You might want to think about writing that book. You could help a lot of people, and make some money too (a win / win). Very articulate, and dead on. Just reading your comment helps me a bit, because I know you're precisely correct. Not a lot of people can put it into words, like that.
It's not easy to flip that switch when I spent nearly a decade wearing the uniform for about 330 days per year. I still think back on how nice it would have been to just come back in a bodybag instead of coming back with no record of my concussion which changed me into an entirely different person. I'm thankful for liquor though, I would have ended it if I had to be sober during my service.
My fiancee is still learning some of these things. I myself am having to learn all over again how to show her what I'm feeling. I sat down and explained to her one day that at, in uniform we don't show emotion, we simply can't; so when I come home and I try to let the emotions out and show her how I feel, I don't know how to regulate it properly. I go from 0 to 60 in an instant, I get really mad or really upset almost instantly. It's not instant though, I simply didn't realize I had those emotions inside until it became to difficult to control them when I either finally let them out or they came out like Mt Saint Helen. I think that emotional regulation is just as difficult as showing the emotions themselves. Sometimes recognizing how you feel is difficult when you've been taught to suppress or ignore your emotions. Thankfully my fiancee is very patient with me and I know it's hard for her sometimes, she's learning the little signs that I'm stressed, signs I don't even notice sometimes.
The things I don't think people understand are our mentality or way of thinking, our apathy, and our humor. Our mentality of "drive on" is because we have no choice, if we don't someone could die. Our apathy is a necessity because without it we would be overwhelmed by the stress, the sadness, the loss, the loneliness, and the things that some see that give them nightmares. Our coping mechanism is our humor and I honestly don't think people understand it as well as they say. Our humor isn't just us making a big joke out of the things we've dealt with, it's a dual edged sword. The humor is in one way us making fun of the things that hurt so that they hurt less, but it's also our way of processing the things that we don't know how to process in a "normal" emotional way.
Together our inability to emotionally regulate, our mentality, our humor, and our apathy, all make it difficult for us to be normal members of society. People don't understand our way of thinking or our way of dealing with things and it causes us to feel alone. We begin missing our fellow soldiers, and when we can't reconnect with them easily without saying why, we feel even more alone. That is the real danger. Soldiers will always be the way they are described in this video, they have to be if they are going to do the job. The challenge isn't getting soldiers to change to fit back into society, the challenge is getting society to understand what we are.
What an interesting comment. What are some things you find your wife does that really helps you? I know it’s different for everyone.
Thank you, I appreciate that.
I never shared men... I'm a veteran SSG who served proudly with the U.S. Army Infantry in Iraq and Afghanistan, I deployed multiple time's in theater and have seen and lead and have been lead through many conflict's. Going through different theater's it was and idk if still frowned upon to admit you're hurting, I never spoke up... it took me 2 year's after getting out to see the VA for mental issue's I find myself in, please men, if you need help seek it out do not do what I did and try to ignore it, it haunts me everyday and I wish the best for our SM.
fake
sorry but your mental health is more important than firearms, you american stereotype..
Thanks for the service the people in theses comments are what's wrong with America.
SGTMO3 thank u for ur service
palof ssonseb Protected us from our enemies. We get to live and keep our way of life. Wdym? They deserve our thanks.
Heavy stuff...
SleepyGaming
Sounds like a job for Muscle Hank
SleepyGaming the heaviest
Reporting you
I've been in uniform for 38 years (since 1980) and this resounded so loudly with me.
OldSkool, I'm 1985.
Army vet here, fighting suicide thoughts as I write. We’re trained to accept nothing less than success in the mission, and when we fail that mission, it’s devastating. This applies even after we leave the military and adjust to civilian life. Whether its relationships, careers, etc, we have this mindset of dominating all challenges put before us. When we fail, we can’t deal. We cant understand how/why we failed when we thought we positioned ourselves for success. Very painful to deal with. We trained in the military with the goal of just surviving day to day, yet those skills dont translate to the real world. We cant just drink water and drive on once we put up the uniform for good. Sadly now I understand why we take our own lives. When we come to the realization that WE’RE the enemy, we destroy ourselves, because that’s what we’re taught to do. We stand ready to deploy, engage, and destroy our enemies….
The thing to understand is that while you are breathing, _you haven't failed._ They are merely setbacks and strategic retreats. You can do this.
I was in the Marine Corps and even though I never deployed I wound up with severe depression because I was always feeling like I wasn't doing good enough. That I was letting my brothers down every day. I developed a drinking problem. A bad one. It ruined my relationships. I lost many girlfriends. I lost a fiancee. When my chain of command failed me because I sought help I wound up getting processed out with a General Under Honorable Conditions and a pattern of misconduct. When I was home I battled suicidal thoughts every day because I felt like a failure. To this day I struggle with holding down a steady job. I try and talk to my family about it, but it's hard because they just don't understand what I'm trying to say. This video helped me in a way. It helped me be able to figure out how to communicate. For the longest time, I felt like I was a screw up for getting depression because I never deployed. There were guys who have actually seen combat who have that right. I hadn't done anything worth getting depressed about and yet I was. Today, I keep fighting and each day I try and find a reason to keep living. Whether it be friends, family, my dog. Whatever it takes to get out of bed each day and take on the day. I know I need help sometimes, but like he said it's just hard to do. I've grown up being told to be strong. To not lean on others, but instead to be the strong one. The one that will hold the line for others and be there to help them back up on their own feet. I'm slowly getting better at asking for help, but it's an ongoing battle.
The most important thing Dr. Doss said is, deployment isn't even related to why soldiers want to commit suicide. They do because the military makes us rigid, unemotional, and teaches us to never speak out -- so we lose the ability to talk & heal.
@@whoknew4722 since I joined I feel so empty I lost all emotion I was depressed before but since I joined I'm just empty
@@whoknew4722 I have suicidal thoughts I think about ending it everyday it ruined my relationship too my family doesn't really care about me my so called "friends" left me when I'm at my worst so long story short I have nobody so if I leave I have nothing left
Who knew is right deployment is not the primary reason we have these problems, when you have a life and death job, fear of incompetence is real and tormenting even after the fact.
Hugs for you man…
Thank you Sir, I am that veteran. I have been living with this pain since the late seventies. I grew up an Army brat (old school Army) before joining the Army. And I never have really come home. I felt and still feel detached from my wife and daughter, as well as the people I engage with since being an infantry nurse. I was taught to kill in basic and then taught to prevent death in nursing school. You touched on money issues as a factor the stress. After becoming disabled in 2005, ends don’t meet every month like they use too. I do with out my medical needs at the VA hospital because of the price of my meds an d cost of travel. Besides the four day class about PTSD I took, cured me of my problems. Thanks for letting me vent just a little. Thank God I don’t have legal problems or I would have big problems,right?
Smokey Bear AndMomVa i wanna thank you for your service for protecting our country an freedom
god bless u
Don't mind the link that was by accident
I feel for you dude if I could help I would. I hope your still in the fight. Well wishes
We love you soldier. Keep going.
My friend came back from the army, stressed out and different but he tried to remain the same
He died in a bike accident, and the way it played out and whaht he told me
I can't shake the feeling he did it on purpose.
Lmao! I'm so proud of you!
@@henrycrabs3497 tf
As a current Active Duty soldier who just arrived back home from Iraq, this hit the topic spot on. I’ve noticed subtle changes in my personality, how I act and react, yet I continue to go through my day like a zombie, 0630 Pt, work call 0900 and we get off once the work is done. There is no time to sit and talk or to seek assistance, and even if there was I would feel ashamed and “weak” if I did. This is a real issue and he hit the topic spot on. To all my brothers and arms out there, keep your head up, grow that strength to overcome your pride and “manlyhood” and seek help if it’s needed.
I respect this comment a lot. Thank you for your service
Ryan Albright thanks brother
It isn’t 07 Ramadi man you had hot showers everyday. More than likely didn’t leave the wire, and conventional forces in Iraq in 2018 got in less than 10 TICs for the entire year. Any changes you’ve noticed in yourself is most likely you just getting older not ptsd for a boring deployment. Don’t be a victim, and at a bare minimum don’t pretend to have had your own personal “Vietnam” on a 2018 Iraq deployment.
@@xxTHExxREVOLUTIONxx your comment is exactly what this Ted talk is geared toward. Let the guy vent. Just because you or I or someone else went through worse, doesn't mean that what he's done is any less.
@@quintingoynes704 A FREAKING MEN
I havn't cried in 5 years. It actually doesn't feel well... i wish this on noone not even my worst enemy
watch sad anime, its really good for crying
You're not alone. You may be toughing it out, and maybe are even getting by, but this if your life. You deserve to feel whole. You're a brave soldier. You've proved that, no one's can take it away. Now reach out and let others see the hurt so you can heal. No matter the reason you got to this place, you deserve love and help from your brothers and sisters. You're not alone! Reach out.
@@davidperrier6149 What's soft and weak is being ashamed of expressing sadness and crying. Crying makes you a whole human being, a whole man.
Tbh crying feels nice
@Jordan Mckenzie Talk about your feelings and struggles with someone, there's nothing that can take your emotions and your expression away forever.
“Never show fear, never show pain, never quit, bones heal, blood clots, sweat dries rangers lead the way. This is how it is, and how it shall always be. It never stops, your strength will help weaker people to stand back up. War will change you and you’ll want more of it because coming home will be the single most difficult thing you’ll ever do.” -Dad
So many people won't truly understand this message. It saddens me that us troops often times find ourselves without an outlet or a voice. It's so difficult to put actions into words like this gentleman so flawlessly does. He speaks the words that we can't often bring out.
Everytime I watch these Tedx videos I think I'm going to feel better. But I feel worse.
D1ng0ateurbaby Learning, and growing as a person is hard...
At least you get to know you're not alone.
D1ng0ateurbaby keep your head...
@@cameronsaldana1513 Finally got medicine a year ago. Feeling better. Still not good, but better.
I hurt every day.
We all do, MSGT. we all do who went and experienced what we have.
Master Sergeant you are not alone
Master Sergeant Why?
U and I both master Sergeant
It will get better
As an active duty infantryman. These comments bring tears to my eyes to see my brothers hurting. I myself think I am doing ok mentally. Not sure how as I don't really open up. But it tears me up to see my brothers in arms struggling. Reach other brethren. Talk to someone. Please.
As a current active duty member myself this was deep. I by no means say I understand others pain, but it can be hard with no one or nothing to rely on. But trust me brothers if you’re reading this I have put all my faith in God and I know with all my heart he won’t let you down because he hasn’t with me. We just need to be humble enough to ask for help from him.
We're trained that asking for help is a sign a weakness. So we STAY STRONG and struggle in silence...
It's a painful stage
That's sheer idiocy on their part. No help means you won't heal, therefore weaker result. Any group without any help is invariably weaker than another group with allies
I could listen to him talk all day and not get bored.
“... and because we believe that they’re strong, we don’t always do a good job on checking how they’re doing”.
This doesn’t apply only to veterans, but it’s really relatable to every relationship: parents/sons, husband/wife, brother/sister, friend/friend. There is always a stronger part that looks after the other part of the relationship. And because we think that they’re strong, we actually rarely - if ever - check on how they’re doing. How this wise man in the video is teaching us, anyone needs to talk, even strong people. So I wrote this comment only to remind you to check on your strong partner, whatever relation you have with them.
I was an ARMY Infantryman and spent a total of 26 months in Iraq. I married my ex-wife between deployments and before I left for my 2nd deployment I told her it might be better if "we forget about each other" during my deployment to help with the worrying. I was so numb to my emotions, that I really didn't think much about hers. My head was in a fog. To this day I can't believe I said that, but I did.
For the topic in which he’s speaking about. He’s so calm and soft spoken..
Im not going to lie this hit home. Ive had so much trouble finding any joy in life.
Been home from Afghan for 4 years now, I’ve yet to seek help from the VA. I know I have a problem, I’m not sure what that problem is but somethings definitely wrong. It’s almost like this guy was describing me personally, uncanny
Check out Elliot hulse, I know it has nothing to do with this, but go check out some of his videos and techniques on healing mental emotions. It sounds weird at first but it actually works. Keep your head up man!
Elliot’s older videos are the best. It changed me a lot mentally for the better!
Ed M my advice....screw the VA. I went to them for mental help and it was a joke. The best thing I did was find a local veteran support group, or the VFW chapters, etc. There you will find people who can actually help you. They help you find meaning in life again. They help you adjust to civilian life ( mostly) and the best part is, you can build a camaraderie that was similar to what we had in the military. To be honest, those were many issues. That's just my 2 cents. But if you need help, go get it. Forget what you think other people will think about you, a true friend/battle buddy/ wing man, etc will not think less of you, but encourage you.
I hope you get help and find some peace. Wishing you love and light.
Go get the help brother! You deserve it
Jocko Willink tells the truth.
That's something I respect and appreciate about him.
He's served in combat and had had to deal with all kinds of people.
Egomaniac, psychopaths, arrogant people. What he did was used his knowledge for good and helping other people.
my dad was a royal marine and I've never seen him cry ever until he saw band of brothers which reflects to this and it must have triggered some experiences in the past that happened to him in the past which gladdens me to see someone explaining to the world this pain that no one knows that soldiers are carrying which was also the same with my granddad no one was allowed to ask him what he did in world war 2 because it ate him up inside and not many people knew why
This was a great discussion, especially considering how brief it is. Leaving the military is incredibly difficult and for many of us leaving was unanticipated and something we were not truly prepared for. The reasons vary between vets but the end result is we now must search for a new "normal". What do we do with ourselves? Many of the skills we are taught do not apply to a traditional workplace, the way we interact and joke is not appropriate for regular civilian life. Veterans, who have served 10 or more years typically, have a difficult time adjusting to the civilian world.
It takes conscience effort of the part of a veteran to change. It also takes patience, love, and as much understanding as can be put forth by our loved ones as we embark on the journey of changing our mindset. Speakers like this help our civilian counterparts who do not have any exposure to the military, its mindset, or lifestyle understand our efforts to transition and that it will be awkward.
I appreciate all you brave men, cops, soldiers, sharing your story. It's not always a straight route but the relativity helps us walk forward together.
My father was a Vietnam infantryman and his lack of empathy effected me in a negative way planting poisonous seeds in me, robbed me of half my life. I've been looking around for answers as to why my family dynamic was so abusive. Thank god I found this video. I knew it had to the be the war because he is a good man.
War kills good men from the inside. Good men who are dead inside do their best to keep the poison from the family, but it bleeds out all the same. We try, but we can't stop it. It was never your fault, and it was never your father's fault. He'd blame himself, and probably did for all the days of his life, watching you, or lack thereof- A burden he believed he had to carry.
If he's still around, tell him you forgive him, and that it's not his fault. Then tell him that what he did for you was the best damn job he could do with the tools he had.
I’ve always had a hard time with the concept of asking for help when I need it. My whole life I would rather die of thirst than to ask for a sip of water. I didn’t know why until now. Thank you for this. I now have some minor sense of inner peace and feel like I understand myself a little better
When I tripped and fell when I was a kid I was told to get up and stop crying because pain is relevant.
I was raised to be strong and to put others before yourself.
I’m a female
This is deep!! I grew up the son of a Marine and joined the Navy and did 20 myself. I've been retired for over 12 years now and I'm happy just to be alive! I struggled heavily after retirement to reconnect to feelings, life, empathy...and, yes, something I don't like to admit to, thought of killing myself on multiple occasions. I returned back to the worship of the Most High and Christ to get me through that very dark period. It's still a day to day process. I was raised to "Improvise, adapt, and overcome" since the day I was born! and since the day I was born and until I retired, The mission always came first! "Block out any pain, tiredness, and/or mental weakness and be ready to carry on the battle to the very end! This was spot on! Especially about the part of what the military takes out of you!
As an Army veteran I can relate 100%. This is very true.
Everything he has said is the honest truth. I am a combat veteran and war is not a truth many want to hear about. Many of us such as myself are guilty of not talking about our experiences. Though sometimes even to this day. How do you explain something to a person who can not understand what it is like? Even to the very people that you think are their to help but just give us meds to numb the very pain and horrors that haunt us in our dreams. I love this speech he made and now a days I have been more open to others. Even if they just dont understand it. I feel like its something that I have to do so others may acknowledge that the secrets I hold are just one of many others. So they may be able to help others that have suffered or are on the edge to losing their life over it. I am thankful for the life that has been given to me. I am thankful for all who still serve and hope they can seek the help and if not just talk to someone or anybody that will just sit and hear you out. Was nicing talking over on here and whoever reads this if you are having a bad day just know their is someone else out their having a even shittier day. At the end of the day most of us just see how much we take for granted. Everything is handed to us here in the US and many other countries are not as lucky as us. Just wish peace would someday become real. Until then we just have to live in the reality of the world for what it is.
Powerful speech.
I (30, m, never went to military) bawled my eyes out and Im not ashamed to admit it.
22yrs in SFAS PTSD is a real thing my nightmares haunt me everyday I’m now retired and still fighting to get help
Have you tried vipassana meditation man? 1 hour every day would help you for sure. Good luck.
I was a scout sniper and did 2 tours in iraq and afganistan and nothing gets more personal than looking down scope seeing face of person your shooting over years thing got bad people have no idea what we went through and what we have live with I still sleep with alot of those faces.
Do you still see the faces of those people in your mind?
Damn near cried durring this talk. I've seen so many young soldiers take their own life. Even a personal friend that durring his funeral gathered most of my company together. Thank-you. Humble reminder that care my soldiers is of utmost importance, even more so than I ever thought possible
My father always said it’s not okay to cry in pain. You walk it off. But you are encouraged to let out any emotional pain.
i've left my predominantly white, cristian homeland, due to compulsory national service
it didn't take me long, to realize that i didn't have enemies
just fellow human beings
3 yrs active, never deployed, 11 yrs later, I still can't cry, fail a mission, or accept defeat.
This brother is the best storyteller. He got me hooked every second. I have learned a lot.
I respect and love our soldiers, this also applies to us as first responders. As a first responder everyday we go to horrible scenes. Scenes that are the worst day of a civilians life. Last year more firefighters died from suicide than in the line of duty. There must be more awareness and a responsibility to help those who also help others. To anyone battling PTSD, stay strong because you are not alone we love you all.
This was I opening!
I’m a disabled veteran. Since I’ve been out things haven’t went well. I’ve felt lost without that structure and brotherhood. Have never been able to quantify the problem. This means a lot!
So thank you for your work Soldier!
Same here....It's something i can't point to. I was never prepared to get out.
My grandpa joined the marines and I’m just so glad that he can still empathize and love.
So sad. We cant judge jason. Sometimes they use kids with teddy bear bombs. Or suicide vests with pressure plates ... :(
he's a soldier soldiers fight cares about feelings do your job first
haley smith
War is awful. Jason we love you. Father, help Jason , gift him with the gift of faith. Fill him with, Your Holy Spirit. In the name of Jesus Christ Our Lord.
Job comes first feelings last
That’s also what they do in movies...
don’t say that unless you’ve seen it yourself
I need to do homework but i don't care this is the stuff i will remember and will better me as an overall human. If we all learned the lessons taught by TED society as a whole would be so much better
And we would be goose-stepping and saying heil-Trump!
menkeyman ??
"Stop crying before I give you something to cry about". Exactly what my dad would say to me and my sister
Yeah... that's how you get PTSD.
I tell my girls (we don't have boys) to stop crying for no reason. We don't allow crocodile tears (crying for the sake of getting attention). If they're not in pain (cut, bruise, scraped knee, etc) or grieving about something important (death, moving from friend, hard work ruined, favorite important toy that's not from a kids meal ruined, etc.) We won't allow it. Also, if they're warned about receiving a consequence for their actions before those actions are taken and they complete those actions anyway, they're not allowed to cry over the consequences or more consequences are piled on.
Link's AMV There is nothing wrong with knowing when and when not to cry. This country wasn’t founded by men nor is it guarded by men who let feelings get in the way of what is necessary.
Instead of crying about a problem, solve it. That’s what I was taught. I may be in the minority, but I subscribe to the “when the work is done, then and only then may you shed a tear in private.” But that’s just a personal preference
Link's AMV Then you seek help as a way to solve the problem. If that necessitates crying for them then so be it. But teaching people to be more sensitive for the sake of sensitivity doesn’t seem helpful to me. Teaching people to keep a strong harness on their emotions such that despite hardship they can endure seems like a more valuable goal.
It isn’t easy but then neither is growing up. And in order to deal with the harsh realities of the world, military or otherwise, a level of emotional detachment is required in order to maintain course while in difficult situations.
I know that this isnt really comparable to a soldiers life but my dog died not too long ago. I had been best friends with this dog for as long as i can remember. and when this dog was put down and i felt really like the world was ending, my stepmother told me "its just a dog" how horrible does that sound? pretty bad. but didnt stop her from saying it and didnt stop me from vrying for almost two nights straight. it hurt me. it damaged me. Now my other dog, even closer to me than the last, is passing away very slowly. and i have no one to talk to because my stepmom will step in and say "well shes just a mutt" and go on to tell how her dog died when she was my age and didnt have any feelings. thank you for listening to my ted talk
This hit home and what he says is totally true thank you Ted talks
I’ve been out for just over 10 yrs now and I wish I had watched or heard this talk sooner. One of the best TED and TEDx talks I’ve ever listened to ❤️
I can see how this correlates to children who don’t learn empathy at a young age too. Very important speech that relates to other aspects of life too 👌🏻
the wear and tear on the mind and body in such a culture is insane. no two ways about it.
This made me cry. Active duty is rough
keep in mind that this is true for all people, not just soldiers.
when the people in your life don't want to hear about your pain.. don't care about your problems.. and don't want you to talk about anything serious.. then you'll start to fall apart.
people need to acknowledge one another.. nobody is perfect, but we're all who we are in our own unique ways. if there's someone in your life whose eyes carry the shadow of pain, then reach your hand out to them. what we all want and need is for someone to care. it's always a good time to talk.
Even though we talk about it more now - some of us have developed a "face" that we can put on so that we look "OK" all the time. It's hard to break that.
I don't think Jason was to blame in shooting the "kid". The "kid" had a rifle, he could have killed him or a fellow Marine. It was just a bad situation to be in.
yup
That definitely may be so. But every now and again, the question will always be asked by the warrior: "Did I do the right thing? Was it right to take that boy's life?" Even if the answer is obvious to the outside observer, to the experiencer, there never is a satisfying answer.
There's a saying, "you were involved, but you weren't responsible."
The shitheel who gives a kid a grenade and urges him/her to run to a humvee is who killed that child. The soldier firing the shot is making the cruel choice necessary to keep anyone else from being killed.
Not a soldier, they were Marines
There was no point in saying what gun he probably had.
Man.... I don't have words... So true... Feels good to actually hear it spoken outloud....
This is a powerful, and much needed presentation. I'm sure like myself, there are a lot of veterans that have commented, but I want to add that as Mr. Doss mentioned, soldiers lean on soldiers. It's difficult to ask for help or share pain.
What an amazing video. Probably one of the most moving and eye opening speeches I’ve ever heard.
Bravo sir 👏🏻
I can relate to the ( don't cry or I'll give you something to cry about)
As a behavioral health soldier, I’m glad I can bring some comfort and a safe space for my peers to talk about how they feel. You cannot selectively numb certain emotions, once you numb pain, sadness, anger etc, you numb happiness, joy, and excitement. But it also sucks becasue I deal with similar military bs.
This was the most beautiful work of genius I’ve ever watched. Thank you sir.
As a vet, this hit home to me. Everything he said was spot on.
This guy has a voice like melted butter.
This explains so much. Especially the inability to have empathy. Thank you for sharing.
I salute you. This is the real battle for most. You must be given a medal, and this should be teached at the academy.
One could hear a pin drop.....
Indeed... society fails in protecting those who's life is dedicated in protecting society...
Respect to Dr. Doss!
As a man this literally brought tears to my eyes...
You just described the difference between a soldier and a warrior. And I'm sure people are going to fire back at me and get emotional about it but these soldiers were going to have these issues regardless of their military experience. This world is hard and it takes a lot to survive. You either have the fight in you or you don't. He mentioned the quote from A Few Good Men "you can't handle the truth". I want to mention another quote from that same movie, "we were supposed to protect those who can't protect themselves". THAT is the goal of the military and that is an extremely big responsibility. If you're not prepared to carry out that specific responsibility then you shouldn't enlist. As a parent of 6 and a Combat Engineer in Afghanistan and Iraq, I entered both situations the same way. By understanding my role is to protect those that can't protect themselves. It didn't make me a robot to know that sometimes I had to turn an emotion off, it made me a stronger person.
Man, these conference are truly food for thought.
Long live TEDx Talks.
great talk. i know quite a few veterans and current military. Glad i saw this.
It’s ok to be sad, it’s ok to be made about your problems, your problems matter, it’s ok to cry. I mom taught me that and I’m grateful for that. Soldiers need to be told that to.
This can be a real nightmare, but I thank the veterans who keep us safe 👏🏻 Our emotions and capacity for compassion are OUR greatest strength. We cannot let the old ways of thinking sink our futures. Reach out if you can, no person deserves to carry that burden alone.
I really love the way he speaks and how he moves.
I can’t cry in front of other people because when I was little I was forced not to cry because people seemed to actually be ashamed by me just for showing my emotions. It’s so sad that in this society a man can’t show his emotions because he gets looked down upon when he does.
Never realized till my mom had a talk with me that I wasn’t the same after joining. Said I seemed a lot darker. Really hit me to think about how I use to be compared to now
Probably one of the most charismatic speakers I've seen, most likely because it's coming from the heart. I'd love to hear him do some audiobooks!
This man has an extraordinary way with words.
I think that life after deployment or separation from the military are the causes for the high number of suicides. I came back to the son of my mother cheating on me with an old friend of mine from high school. I tried to keep my little family together, but she was determined to rip it apart. She was successful in doing this. Nothing I ever experienced in each of my three year long deployments was more horrible than spending that first night alone without being able to hear my son's little baby snores because she took him with her when she left.
he has a really nice voice to listen to
Absolutely insightful, gained so much from this video. Love and light to all men suffering in silence 💗🌸
God bless you all for your service may you find peace in your lives
Drink water and change your socks
Andy Vo can I get a couple Motrin?
Andy Vo Is this a soldier cosplay ? Nice try nerdi boi
That aint no lie. I was waiting for this comment.
Dont forget tylenol cures everything. 👍
You're a pog
I always felt it was the sence of belonging. Ever since I left the corps I've been searching for that belonging and I've yet to find it. This video has my choking up, it hit home hard. I still struggle with empathy deeply. It's so dam weird I feel not much happened during my service not even when I deployed to Afghanistan but yet I'm here thinking about everything and I'm crying, and I dont know why. Maybe the fact I never healed after I got the boot in 2014 I've smoked weed daily ever since. So much, I've disregard better work for smoking.
How was highschool?
Excellent talk. Very sad not to have empathy
I'm just 16 so haven't can't and won't want to go to war but I've had PTSD and I understand what it feels to not feel my dog who'd I'd consider a brother and he has barked everytime I had a seizure died and I didn't have any feeling but more than a year later I told my mom that I had PTSD and I finally cried. I learned that it is ok to cry and to actually have feelings because having no pain can be the worst pain
If anyone who’s a veteran or a person whom saw and went through @#$% in their life hear this, don’t give up there’s a reason to life there are people and even pets who love you (and anyone who had a pet rather it was a dog, cat, hamster or even a reptile or bug know pets are family to) please know there’s always a reason to life.
My heart goes out to these men & women. 😔💯💪🏾🇺🇸
teds videos stopped me from comiting suicide, om several occasions, depression is often luaghed at and people tell me im doing it for attention, or to be quirky, but not me, things happend to me, both emotionally and physically, thank you ted, for saving my life
I never thought of it like that, I'm glad I didn't need a therapist to get this information.
Incredible speaker!
I was expecting a plot twist where he reveals that he was Jason still tough what an engaging and fascinating speech with a more than powerful message
This guy is amazing. So powerful. If this was a film audition I'd give him the part!
I could listen to this man talk all day !