Codependents + Narcissists - Heal the Toxic Cycle with Boundaries - Terri Cole
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- Опубліковано 22 тра 2024
- It is true that narcissists and codependents can find themselves irresistibly attracted to each other with dysfunctionally disastrous results. This specific combination can create a toxic cycle of behavior and psychological abuse that can go on for a lifetime unless there is some kind of shift in awareness or a pattern interrupt.
In today’s episode, I am proposing that solid boundaries can end the cycle of stress, pain, and anxiety that goes hand in hand with a narc/codependent union.
Download the free guide that goes along with this episode at the bottom of the blog post: terricole.com/codependents-na...
Drop me a comment and let me know what resonated with you after watching this video.
TIME STAMPS:
0:00 - Introduction: why narcissists and codependents are two parts to a whole
2:19 - What does the toxic cycle between narcissists and codependents look like?
7:06 - 4 steps for codependents to introduce boundaries as pattern interrupters
15:21 - What might happen after you start drawing boundaries
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What is Codependency? Are You Codependent?: • What is Codependency? ...
How to Gently Heal Your Codependent Relationships: • How to Gently Heal You...
Why Codependents and Narcissists Can't Break Up: • Why Codependents and N...
ABOUT TERRI COLE
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist and global leading expert in female empowerment. For two decades, Terri has worked with some of the world’s most well-known personalities from international pop stars to Fortune 500 CEOs. Terri has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible, and then actionable so that clients and students achieve sustainable change i.e. true transformation. She empowers over 250,000 people weekly through her blog, social media platform, signature courses, Real Love Revolution and Boundary Bootcamp + her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show. She is also the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free (April 2021)
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What she doesn’t mention here and which is a hard-core painful fact is that whenever you set boundaries against your interactions with your narcissist things go bad really quickly. They really hate boundaries set up against them and they will try harder and harder and harder to get a rise out of you, make your life more miserable, or find ways to still get that narcissistic supply out of you. They will rebel and fight any boundaries that you set. They may increase their tantrums, leading to explosive rage, make threats, act like a child, bully you, give you an ultimatum, take something away that’s important to you, and worse. I do not recommend after a decade of experience with a malignant narcissist that you start setting boundaries against the narcissist if you are a codependent. You first need to heal your codependency within through therapy, codependents anonymous, reading books, building your self-esteem, slowly starting to develop your own life separate from the narcissist by pursuing your own interests or things that have nothing to do with a narcissist, and practicing changing codependent behaviors on other people only and not on the narcissist until you get stronger. It is a terrible hellish process to pull out of codependency when you’re in a toxic narcissist romantic relationship. The trauma bonding is what keeps you stuck with them and they play on the fact that they know your trauma bonded anytime you gradually start to set boundaries and pull away. If they detect in any way that you aren’t available to supply to their needs things go south really quickly. You have to be very creative and sly about your changes and focus more on the internal changes instead of the environmental outward changes. Be sure you have money set aside that your narcissist doesn’t know about if they are in charge of the finances and that you have protection because when you start to set up boundaries they can get really nasty and start to control you even more. It may not be immediately such as one day you decide you don’t want to make breakfast like you do every single day for your narcissist and you say instead that you don’t feel up to it and they can make their own breakfast. They may make a little eyeroll or comment or not, but the more little things like that that you step back on, the more their behavior will become more difficult in other ways, so just keep an eye out for it. if you start to gain a social life with friends or volunteer work or anything outside of your focus on them, they will increase their complicated behavior to draw your attention back or they may give you a problem with your new life activities. They may grow more argumentative about topics, start with holding your needs more, or do whatever they can to keep you stuck in that cycle that they need from you. Healing your codependency starts from within before you can have any chance of healing from narcissistic abuse and ending a relationship with a narcissist and the healing begins with work that has nothing to do with the narcissist or you’ll never get to that point. Anybody who has heard of the term “Gray rock,” understands how terrible this is...gray rock means if you start to be very dull and boring and unresponsive to your narcissist by not engaging in arguments, not challenging them, not questioning them, not showing them any emotions like your distress or anxiety, not showering them with attention, not providing much of an audience, And just become very boring like a silent rock, their terrible behavior increases tenfold to try to gain your attention back. Watch some UA-cam videos on narcissist gray rock method and then practice it for a few days and you will see. Setting boundaries is kind of like this. Just be prepared.
I can tell that you have lived this. She addresses these in other videos.
Answer: Run Run Run!
It can evolve in to fysical violence!
If yourself are male Running a way is the only option!
If you have to fysical defence yourself, being make, jailtime is a real possibility!
Be prepared, the narcissist is always one step ahead of the TI or their loved one, I was married to one, thankfully I had a really good friend helped me to leave him ex spouse narcissist so that I could get my own place and try to heal and end the cycle of abuse. Awareness is key, know yourself. thank you Teri Cole, your information here is empowering and quite helpful. btw I have Melodie Beaties book, it was very helpful while I was in therapy. Journaling has helped me purge much of the abuse. Still working on therapy, trying to heal.
I, as a codependent, set boundaries and the narc left. What?!, Why?! No 😢! I'm at peace, knowing the real me, and loving ME again ☺!
Right on! Loving yourself is the key!
He left b/c you required his respect. Before he could freely take. With boundaries- he cant freely take! Cudos--NOW YOU KNOW he was a Narc. A Man that loves you wants you to feel safe adn loved and that F'er didnt.
Everything you said in this blog is the absolute truth.
That was how my last marriage ended as well. She was in the devaluing phase (and felt she had me, since I had just purchased a home and put her name on it). Eventually, I said “no” a couple times, and the s#*t hit the fan.
I’m both sad and happy it’s over. She was in denial, and there is no hope of her ever changing.
Wow I set boundaries and a guy left and is revealed he was a narc omg 😳
As dr.Cloud and Dr.Townsend wrote in their book Boundries - "it will be war". The narcissist and other immature people respond to changes really badly and use terms like "that is selfish", you are supposed to predict my needs, actions, etc., my narc father tried to manipulate me with the threat of disenheriting me, and so many other forms of retaliation. Ross Rosenberg states that with new good healthy boundries a person might lose up to 85% of their relationships. So prepare yourself for war, and it is worth it.... Someone, who gets to the point of needing this big change, usually has big problems like burn-out, anxiety, depression, auto-immune illnesses, cancer, insomnia, anemia and/or other health problems. It is worth it.
To all on this channel who are suffering. You do deserve better, abdolutely you do. I tried to be a fixer with several narcissists who were very charming, the nicey nice bullcrap then the anger that you thought why are you sooo angry over a small non threatening issue. Its challenging to work through the nicey nice narcissists trauma they put an individual through, they have to have their cycle with the codependent, I am constantly dialed into making other people happy eg: the Narcissists. theraputic intervention is sooo important, bottom line. Thats why I am visiting this channel.🎉 thank you for sharing your helpful videos about how ti start to know yourself and how to introduce boundaries with individuals.
I was codependent to a narcissist. It is true and sad, I was giving out of love but never put myself first. My life and being were all about him and his needs. I was hoping one day he would understand what real love is and be there for me the same way I was there for him. After it was all over the hardest thing was the emptiness I found in my heart.. the emptiness because I had not loved, protected, or cared for myself. Everything was always about him. him him. and me trying to understand him in every single way so that I could love him better.
Thank you for sharing. I am glad you are learning to love, protect and care for yourself now.
My mother is code dependent and my father is a narcissist. I'm still living with them under one roof knowing they took away my freedom and blackmailing I should never return home if things come to the worst. for that reason, I lived in fear and anxiety. I never had friends or relationships and I was on the brink of suicide before. I'm 48 now and I feel it's too late for me. I just feel to run away and never return and live the remaining days of my life in peace. I've turned to god now and pray to Him for strength and guidance.
I'd say leave and take your Mom with you. My narcissist father was killing us and my mother with his emotionally abusive ways. So charming outside the house, but a monster to live with.
After 32 years, he acts as though I never existed. I set boundaries and he was out.
"Adaptive response to a dysfunctional situation in childhood" that apply to 90% of all problems that ppl have or can have ..real psychology,heavy, deep.
Very very very deep and true....I agree 100%. I am finally freeing myself from the hold my childhood has had over me and is opening my eyes to what I have been neglecting to see in my toxic relationship, which is, that I have been manipulated and living with a narcissist. Much peace and happiness to you.
I lived this for 14 years. Now I am finally divorcing and trying to set boundaries so I don’t have to go through this again. It’s hard though.
I’m the codependent my husband of 5 years is the narcissist. After three years of this rollercoaster I’m sick with fibromyalgia. Get into counseling learn to love yourself and don’t put up with the games xx
Fibro too because of it. If you can...get out!!!
Sorry for your illness.
One thing I’ve learned is that the narcissist will never be there for you “in sickness”, much less health.
The only thing they'll do is use your illness to get more attention and never truly be there for you.
But you need to be there for you, and you weren't, that's why you ended up with one of those people.
Meet your own needs... Sorry you're going thru this. I've seen women die of illness, literally fighting to be seen and heard by someone not capable of it. They died while with men who acted indifferent even in their last hours. It won't fix itself, we have to fix ourselves, and take control of our lives (needs wants desires etc).
@@rebirthbrother9104 Or he will use your illness against you to feel superior or gain attention and compassion from others while he shows you neither.
This just saved my life!!!!!!!
Thank you for sharing, and thank you for watching!
I am crying as a little child ...
My soul cries ....
My whole being cries....
I am so lost...
But thank you
I hope I will and I can change
And strat to love myself 😔
Is happened to me i do not know i never fell condependent untill i had this first rolaionship and now i fell that im empty persone
Money is a good boundary, charging a healthy fee for services one renders sets everything straight
"what you want to eat for dinner matters" I burst out laughing and crying...
Terri, you have helped me so much, learning to love myself, I had narc parents, 2 narc adult children and now I understand, they are such takers. Finally looking at my needs for a change, love it when you say YOU DECIDE WHAT GOES ON IN YOUR LIFE.
Right on!!! I am so glad the videos are helping and you are deciding for YOU!
I'm a man in a marriage to a a narcissist. I'm learning to identify the many facets this woman. We have children and I feel trapped at times. Thank God for these videos that help equip us all with the knowledge and skills to survive and thrive! Thank you
This sounds exactly like me.. wow.. high functioning codependent!!
Codependents feel like a victim and believe they're being used. Hum...
Stepping out of the drama triangle (victim / rescuer / perpetrator) is key.
You got it!
I have been with a narcissist for 30 years. She does not respect boundaries whatsoever. She does not recognize any of her negative behaviors period.
Its like playing football with a moving goal line and goal post; just
when you are about to get a touchdown, the goal line and goal post are moved by the narcissist.
Every time I set boundaries, the narcissist turned up the heat and the madness got worse.
I was forced to accept that setting healthy boundaries with a narcissist is impossible.
They do not keep their promises at all. The one who is co-dependent is the only one who is able to make the change to practice healthy boundaries. The narcissist is going to become aggressive at some point.
Thanks for the good ideas to make changes to establish healthier boundaries.
I had to end the relationship once she pushed things too far in the most malicious way possible. The experience almost put me in psych ward; she was brutal.
Yes, I hear you. Sometimes the best option to keep ourselves healthy and to enforce our boundaries is to leave. Your boundaries are there for YOU, not for the other person. And they must be enforced to make sure we are protected. I hope you are safe and finding healing.
I have been in this 30 year situation
One way I’ve laid a boundary down that I want to be heard. With that I would want to have people listen. I’ve been cut short from chances to be outspoken or even a chance to voice anything especially in my family.
I mean I don’t think my reaction was the best but given the stress I’ve been under, baby steps.
Ps now to be a corn dog but your videos have taught me that I’m not F’N insane and I know a comment doesn’t show much but you have changed everything for me for the better. Thank you thank you thank you 💖💖💖
Thank you so much for sharing, Abby (not a corn dog at all 🥰). I'm so glad the videos have been resonating, and I'm so glad you've been setting consistent boundaries! Keep it up!
Co dependent and Narcissist relationship-- wait until you express you are not a perfect human being, oh my gawd, the fury will be unleashed relentlessly. thank you Teri Cole for sharing really great helpful tools to help individuals navigate through the tough situations in life.🎉
This video feels surreal to watch coming from the perspective of a codependent + narcissist’s daughter. My mom seems to be completely unaware of her dependency on both my Ndad and i, and understandably so. She had a very traumatic childhood and adolescence due in part to her abusive and neglectful father, who’s love she fought for until the day he died at the age of 92. I can only imagine that it would be incredibly painful for her to become aware of how she’s coped with her dysfunctional family. It can be tough to say no to her endless offers to try to please me as she often reacts to a polite “no” as if I’ve stomped on her heart. And because It’s rubbed off on me too, I just want to say yes to whatever it is to make her happy. Setting boundaries with a narc is one thing, setting them with a codependent as someone who struggles with being codependent is a whole other ball game ahaha
Anyways, this video was really informative and I appreciate all the work that goes into them
I hear you and I'm witnessing you with compassion. Your main concern needs to be on you and your own needs.
This is the most eye opening video I have ever watched. Thank you very much for helping me realize I am a codependent living with what I am just now learning is a narcissist. I am 47 years old man married to a 59 year old narcissist. I am a pisces and she a scorpio....I now see just how relevant this is to my life and what I need to do...."heal from a very bad childhood " so that I can begin to heal myself. I have stopped smoking, stopped drinking and everything negative that was self destructive to myself and now my wife looks at me one day and says, "you are realizing who you are and bettering yourself to the point of not wanting me anymore." They really don't want to give up the control, I see it now....thank you so much for making this video, I am finally to a point in my life that I see everything that is going on around me in my life and relationship now...thank you, thank you.
You're very welcome. I'm witnessing you with compassion and sending you strength.
I am curious, it has been 3 years now since your comment, what is your situationship with your wife now?
When the narcissist is on his death bed then he realizes how much he really loves the co-dependent and/or borderline and/or empath. This happened to me with my last boyfriend who was a narcissist. He was dying from a degenerative disease called Ataxia. I helped care for him for five years but couldn't physically do it anymore because he put all his weight on me due to the fact that he could not stand up by himself without falling. He was in assisted living for the last three months of his life and was mostly bed-ridden. Those moments in bed made him think about the women in his life and realize I was always there for him.
I was the only one who never left him. It was me who put up with his wrongdoings like cheating and checking out other women in front of me and his name-calling and insults. I was the one who was there for him when he couldn't walk anymore or even stand on his own. It was me who bathed him, wiped his behind, fed him, transported him from his bed to his wheelchair to the couch and back the other way around. I was the one who made sure we went to his doctor's appointments. It was me who went food shopping for him. I took him out to the movies and out to eat. It was me who made sure all the paperwork was completed and faxed to his mortgage company to save money on his monthly mortgage. I was the one who made sure he had all he wanted to take to assisted living and sent texts to the real estate agent to make sure he got the money for selling his house. It was me who contacted his closest friend with the address to the assisted living home he was at to make sure that he had his best friend visit him. I did a lot!
Witnessing you and all that you did for a person that I can tell you cared about. I am sending you strength and compassion.
Your story sounds very familiar. I just lost my husband, who had some serious health problems, but his death was still sudden and a surprise. I am trying to hold onto the good memories and forgive the bad.
I am approaching 50, having never really dated before, and it's the last thing on my mind. I look forward to just focusing on healing and finding myself again. Perhaps that process would be a good topic for a future video? How a codependent can heal and avoid getting involved with a narcissist again.
You did the right thing😘😘😘😘
Omg Terri thank you so much I AM co dependent and I HAD a narcissist boyfriend I finally broke it off with last night with no warning I have totally cut him off no contact. I am so glad I finally made the step to do this I was so tore up so I can now focus on me.. Keep those video coming..
I'm cheering you on and sending you strength!!!
Terri Cole Real Love RevolutionTM thank you beautiful I’m trying to stay strong and he has yet to do anything which is fine by me.. good riddens
It hurts me when i see storys like theseee. Maybe some guys are worse than others. But I see so many comments on here from female, saying that boundaries dont work, just run away... its not true... maybe your narc didnt rly want you... dont you think no contact is pretty fucked up..who invented this... someones emotionally unstable.. let me try to love them. Oh they dont love me.. let me leave an abandon them like everyone else... truth is. The narc loves you an your breaking him in 3 pieces by abandoning him.like every one else. I understand life with a narc can be draining...
Almost 3 years in this craziness. Feel so broken but can't let go....I have always been a people pleaser mentality....this time it bit me hard. 52 years old and now I am totally alone. Not sure how I will make it. So much self doubt now.
I am goin on the big 60 with a collection of health physical garbage due to the fact BUT,, Cancer opened my world and my eyes and the abusers were so blatant as to tell me to my face Why are'nt you DEAD YET! ete etc.. and WALLA my inner ME came out, I fought those bitches and I AM WINNING BIG TIME.. pretty scary thought but f it I am all in now.. no choice if ya want to live your life FINALLY!!!!!
I feel the same x
Oh yes the charm then you see after a while no charm just coldness! Your on a hamster wheel and its very hard to get off it. You want to see that charming loving man back but he wasn't there to begin with. Its a mind f....... all there mind games and makes you ill and anxious 24/7. I was codependant and prob still am scared to get involved with another man, had 3 narcissist's men married one!
k meg oh my same for me that is all I️ attract and it has to stop
I'm witnessing you with deep compassion. You are not alone, and there is always the opportunity to make new choices to heal yourself.
Hey Girl! I use that term on a perpetual petulant level every dang day... BUT, then along came good ole youtube and the stellar vid uploader and walla I learned and I learned and I learned NOW ITS MY TURN to win. lol
Karen H Oops!!!! My wife I thought I married was awesome at the start, and then I married her. Suddenly one day I found myself in a nightmare for years. Trauma has been my life since meeting her.
I have been the narcissist towards my wife and recently tried taking my life cause the pain I caused here and her negative mind set. Now I have been in behavioral therapy for two months and I am changing myself to be a better person for myself and my family, 4 kids and wife. How do you think I should handle when she is triggered with memories of the past and starts ruminating with negative thoughts of the past and is hopeless for our future together. I have been telling her with I statements I am at fault but it it is her responsiblity to change her thoughts about me.
Wow. Next time on work lunch I WILL say I do not feel like eating burgers, and just will see what happens.
I am already scared 😆😢
I am sending you strength and protection, my friend.
I love “Start with a positivity”. Thanks!
This is so insightful information for me, you opened my eyes as to the dynamics I've had to live with. Thank you for acknowledging that Men are very much
co - dependant also. 21 years of being drained, unhappy, self esteem like the white line on the road.
Learning how to live again and heal. Scared of getting into another relationship again, choosing to be single for the rest of my existence 🙃
I am co-dependent but I am more borderline personality disorder. If someone is bad to me then I will hold a grudge forever and think that person is the worst but because I have a fear of abandonment I never want to leave the person permanently and definitely do not want him to leave me.
Sandra DiBiaso I am the same. Was living with the narcissist for 5 years. I left him and am 1000 miles away but at times find myself making plans with him on moving back to him. I need to learn to love myself and find my own happiness, build a new life instead of being depressed and missing him.
Thank you . I wish i had these kind of things when I was a young woman. My life may have been very different
I'm glad you're here now. You matter and it's never too late.
This was completely eye opening, my codependency started from childhood
This is eye opener to me... thank god n thank you
I'm 30 years old and I think you've just changed my life. Thank you so much for this video
You're welcome.
Terri you are my therapist I am watching you, my eyes and ears are peeled on every word
I would like to share my story but hey , I feel now I have awakened and accepted reality ,which I must say it's taken a while ,
I pray I learn and grow in leaps and bounds ... It's gut wrenching to hear and see this ,it's so ft but so real ,
So good to understand what the heck is going on and can put it in perspective and understand one self , it's left me on my own but
I'm grateful , how you break it down so my brain can and is absorbing it .
I'm listening to this over and over again so it penetrates deep inside , I pray that finally I can now train my brain to live a fuller life with loving firm firm firm boundaries and take this information into my life forever
It's sooooo scary as I'm surrounded by them 😱
Much love and kindness to you Terri
Cheers 🍸
Thank you
Your videos are GOLD
Been there, done that. Like a moth to the flame!
YES! This is absolutely SPOT ON starting with the “love bombing” to the trying to gain approval and back in circles we go. My question is can a narcissist also be a codependent? There are so many traits that I see in this man that seem to be both. Or is that all part of his illusion?
It is possible to be both. Make sure you are taking the necessary steps to take care of YOURSELF in this situation.
I think you can be codependent in a narcissistic way.
。。。
Yes I am the woman that’s co dependent
Always helpful. Thank you! 💜
Need this so much right now
Amazingly accurate 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻❤️
Thank you for helping me understand
Thank you for the practical applications. Very helpful.
Thanks Terri for sharing this video, self awareness! This sounds all about me
Needed this, thank you T
Thank you for being here ❤️
WOW I have had this backwards for 18 years in my early relationship with my wife and for 14 years of marriage.
I have been the narcissist towards my wife and recently tried taking my life cause the pain I caused here and her negative mind set. Now I have been in behavioral therapy for two months and I am changing myself to be a better person for myself and my family, 4 kids and wife. How do you think I should handle when she is triggered with memories of the past and starts ruminating with negative thoughts of the past and is hopeless for our future together. I have been telling her with I statements I am at fault but it it is her responsiblity to change her thoughts about me.
Research “covert narcissist “ aka “vulnerable, insecure, fragile narcissist “
You are a true insperation thank you 😉
Great insights!
Thank you!
That was a very helpful video. Thanks so much. x
I just loved the commerical for the big sick GOD I GOT TO SEE THAT MOVIE!!
Loved it. So easy to understand. Thank you so much.
I'm so glad to hear it!!
You R So Helpful!!! And Informative!!! Please Keep Doing U Do!!!
Thank you!
I like that your message is growing beyond genders. Still love your down to earth delivery.
Thanks Terry, as always a great video. I always learn so much from you! ;-) I will be there tomorrow to your Wednesday video later in the evening. Much love!
Right on, Mireille!! Always so happy to see you xo
This is an amazing video talk Terri, such an eye opener to what always keeps happening to me. So accurate and true. I think I am guilty of being very codependent, and so desperately need to try and break this cycle. I am having counselling at the moment, and it seems you are so correct about this stemming from childhood. I am trying to start putting boundaries in place, but it's so difficult enforcing them. It's going to be a long journey I think. So thankful for these video talks, thank you. ❤
I'm so glad to hear it. I'm cheering you on.
You are speaking to me in the extract place I’m at right now! Yes I have no idea what my boundaries are because they change to meet the needs of who ever I’m interacting wit. Or I change them to fulfill my own agenda at the time. I adjust accordingly n despite how I feel I rationalize the situation to accept it the way they want it. Sticking to boundaries is very difficult when there is a great lack of self confidence and personal power. It’s like trying to bake a cake but lacking all the necessary ingredients.. there basically is no cake jus a mess you made on the counter.
Yes, we have trust ourself to uphold those boundaries and forgive ourselves when we slip. All we can do is do the next right thing and keep going. Take care of you mama.
Listening to this I feel like ion know myself as well as I thought. I do feel anger when I have to draw boundaries
Thank you for your amazing videos! Your description of narcissists' behaviour in relationships is chillingly familiar. I left my ex (so relieved I did this! Phew), because I was suicidal and she would scream at me when I woke up crying due to depression. The day after my birthday, she screamed and slammed doors to punish me for having one drink the night before, and for waking up crying. That day, she was so aggressive that the neighbours called the police. Within weeks of breaking off our two year relationship, she started dating a mutual friend without telling me . When I wrote her to ask her why she didn't feel the need to give me a heads-up out of respect, she responded with aggression and blamed me for her not telling me. On top of that, she used me as a scapegoat to repair her relationship with her ex (who she has returned to 4 times). I am ready to start healing my codependency and I am so grateful for these videos! I am learning a lot. I will be a #boundaryqueen soon enough. :)
I share you all the time; Been listening for 4 to 5 years now and finally working On ME. 💘 whether other people listen I know I do and I am blessed to have Terri Cole in my life.
Thanks for sharing!!
I liked it ❤️
I've been trying to put myself first more, because I've learnt its not my job to fix people....that was ruining my state of mind. So the other day, my boyfriend and I were going out to eat....and I actually insisted on going to the place I wanted to, and not his idea of where to go....and I couldn't understand why I felt so good about that decision. This helped me understand myself so much, and showed me that I'm building towards the right direction. Thank you so much.
I'm so glad you're raising your awareness and taking care of yourself more. You deserve it mama!!
Girl you always explain to well thank you
Male codependent here, with two narcissist ex wives.
I have always been a “white knight / rescuer “ of everyone around me, even feeling obliged to help strangers all the time. Since my last breakup, I have been working on not acting this way, but it is extremely difficult.
Request: could you cover the codependent/ covert narcissist relationship, and how it differs (or not) from that of the grandiose narcissist, which you seem to discuss the most?
Thank you.
thank you for being here and for asking your question. I am also witnessing your situation with compassion. It takes time, patience and dedication for new habits to form and change our old habits. But it is possible and I am cheering you on. I have a codependency course that actually starts tomorrow and you might find it interesting! You can get more info here: mark-groves.mykajabi.com/crushing-codependency
Thank U🌺🌹
I would love if you did a video on how to set boundaries ect. With a narc ex who you have a child with, who uses the forced contact with you to try to control you and belittle you xx
I just felt like sharing this I don’t no y I feel a kind of feeling like I’m so into u n it feels like ur talking to me as if like ur talking for me talking for my good u know like a person who cares for u kind of feeling like a mother’s love speaks for her girl ya that’s suits right something like that u really get into ppls hearts n mind ur simply amazing ur really good
Hope it’s ok to share this na
Love u 😘
Your wonderful thank you all right on point.once I started boundaries all he'll broke loose,as I was conditioned to believe to go along with ...in order to get along,it all happens gradually,from no I like you blonde to no brunette is not your color although I looked younger and more attractive with Brown's with skin tones,everyone else liked it lots of compliments ,not from him of course.the more I set rules boundaries the ignoring and silent treatments went from hours to days then if I did the golden rule ignored his texts and calls just a dose of his own medicine I had to hear what a bleep bleep I was for a mere effortless 1 or 2 calls vs. Hours of non stop calling or texting try I g to get him to respond.i learned that with the brains need for all depression and anxiety to be relieved it's called dog whistling. When they ignore or disappear to there entitlement whenever for whatever,and I don't jump out of the dog cage when he said jump,or he call and I drop the toliette paper or stop the bath water cause oh my gosh his calling I'm out of my cage again,made me feel real low .this is very psychological worse kind of entrapment discard is trading of feeling abandoned and it is truly done intentional and deliberate.its domination and comply power and control it's evil cruel tactics will put you in a very bad frame of mind and health.i suggest keep watching and learning ,but learn self care a love me box during this cruelty time is a must.i created a box I opened up with gift cards to a starbucks,mcdonalds,a spa pass got the best damn massage with lavender oil beauty collages offer great rates half the price of regular salons.also the dollar trees have great fun finds on a dime when I was financially challenged, just take those days to pamper and take care of you the most make it a love myself love me day guys and gals can do this also movie passes are great too.get creative .
THANK YOU! Thankfully, I'm not in a romantic relationship yet, but this will really help me in the other relationships in my life. ❤️
Wonderful. You're welcome, dear.
Would you be able to cover codependent - codependent relationships? :/
My mum was a narcassist and ofcourse I have attracted a narcassist and picked him to be my husband. After divorce and nine years into it I still am attracting either narcassists or losers so that I can fix and make sure all my emotinal needs are met as a codependent. I have just realized I am classified as a codependent and started the healing journey. Now I am starting to see the guy I am with right now as his true self; a pure narcassist who totally drained me emotionally. All you say in this video exactly happens. I am ending it or more accurately trying to end it in a civilized way. I don't need this type of relationship anymore. I need to heal then choose if I want another one or I am happy being in my own company. Thank you for the eye opening videos
I'm witnessing you with compassion and sending you strength and courage. Thank you for sharing your experience and I am cheering you on to take the next step towards your healing.
Terri Cole Real Love RevolutionTM Thank you so much for being around and for the encouragement. Keep up the great work
Thanks for this. Im transgender ftm and your messages inspired me.
If I thought changing my sex would have fixed me I probably would have done it. But I discovered that no matter where I went or what I did I took my sick thoughts and feelings with me everywhere.
Thank you for this. Could you create a video on dealing with a Narc that you have a child with plz? It's pretty much impossible to co-parent with him & I'm still dealing with the heartbreak of the abuse in the relationship & he knows it. I also worry that he will manipulate our daughter as well. I wonder if I should present all the evidence of his abuse towards me in court & do what I can to separate my daughter from him more limiting his time with her or should I let him just parent her separating. I would really love some guidance here. I am still reversing my brainwashing so I'm working towards feeling clear here about my decisions. Thank you so much. Love your work.
Darienne Empire I’m in the same boat, I know it’s affecting our son. I want/need to get away so badly. It’s been just over 11 years, my son is 10 now. I have watched him regress, gain weight & strange behaviours. He has been changed by our sick relationship. I would suggest leaving if you can. My husband has to to afraid to leave that I will lose my son, I have also been brainwashed with a million lies. Your daughter will surely be very negatively affected & either become like him or end up with someone like him. Or even start hitting herself in the head...
I left twice & was discarded once. All 3 times he followed me & stalked me back. So I ran away to my dads, now he’s living here. Im hoping to finally get away, soon. My health is failing, I just can’t believe his abuse is giving me physical symptoms. My hair is falling out, I’m not even 40. It’s turning grey, my body hurts all over. I’ve stopped eating solids cuz I’m afraid of choking & have felt a “lump” in my throat since October. For the past 4 years I have been experiencing panic attacks & now have a severe anxiety disorder & fear of leaving the house.
I pray you get away & I do too... good luck 💕
Amazing, after 14 years marriage i understand my strugles
I'm so glad this resonated for you!
Mrs. Cole, I love your videos! thank you for the info and professional insight you are sharing with us!
For this specific Video I have a questions:
Why even be in a relationship like this? Is it possible to be happier with someone that we wouldn't require so much psychological work with? Or do all relationships take this much effort to work in a healthy way? If not all relationships require this much work, why don't we leave because we know we deserve better?
Greetings from Germany!
Those are good Qs, and I would invite you to journal about the last one- why don't you leave if you know you deserve better?
I like to use a little exercise to get to the bottom of things: what do you get to NOT feel, face, or experience by staying?
I have a video about healthy love here that might help give you a better idea of what that kind of relationship looks like: ua-cam.com/video/dE2bf5orrag/v-deo.html
I also talk a lot on this channel about my own marriage as an example of healthy love- 25 years, and both of us had had a lot of therapy prior to marrying. All relationships take work, but healthy ones don't require mindgames or manipulation.
I'll end by saying I was highly codependent in my 20s, and I typically attracted the "broken-winged bird." I wanted to be with someone I could fix. I saw men as projects back then (as that's what was modeled around me growing up). It took years of therapy to recover from codependency, but it started with me realizing, again, what I got to NOT face, feel, or experience when I was being codependent...which was my OWN issues! (I talk about it slightly more in this vid: ua-cam.com/video/4BD1xs1GlbY/v-deo.html
I hope that helps, xo
@@terri_cole I so appreciate your time and your insight, thank you so much Terri! it really helps also to hear where you came from and that you, with work, overcame unhealthy patterns. It gives me hope and it also a reminder, that I have still have things to work on but I am in control of that. Thank you for your time to respond to my question Terri. Looking forward watching more of your videos :)
I thought moy mother was my real problem . I didn't realize my problem was with my husband . I was always making him happy & satissfied . That is enough .
Thank you for sharing your experience. I am holding space for you and witnessing you with compassion.
I so deeply appreciate your videos. So helpful.
I am so happy you're here, Jaclyn! To join the Big Beautiful Boundary challenge and get information about when the course it'self will start just go to bit.ly/2LusOfD
No Codep. ‼️‼️‼️‼️🥕💡♻️ Boundaries are most appreciated . Thx. A Human Psyche is highly dependent on sexual integrity . Libido muddled is life lost.
its just hopeless isn't it? I was raised by four narcissists and my life is a fucking nightmare no matter how well I set boundaries. I just want it to end asap.
It's never hopeless. Are you living on your own or are you still at home?
I'm so lost, how do I join the boundary challenge that starts in September?
Toxic home fighting parents that wouldn’t leave each other I was a child cooking cleaning trying to fixing it age 11 I could made a full meal and clean a house from start to finish bathrooms bathrooms dishes floors clean clothes thinking it would help fix broken parents not fight it didn’t and never did make a happy home for my childhood I was middle child but oldest girl now I’ve left one bad relationship but it’s time married and stuck everything’s his feel no mean what I do is enough and realize I’m pleaseing people no more stopping the constant feeling of failure healing my mind and body over all only problem a husband at has to be petted and feel powerful so his work on break what I’m building down acting out saying things to being me down but I’m set on me being happy don’t care who leaves cuz of it only thing I’m scared of is if I didn’t break he will leave which is his choices but he cars his house I have 3 kids no family that’s is ok/healthy enough to help me if we where homeless car-less I have no job I’m a house mom not allowed to work I had a home car job taking care of my kids stupidity believed him he had all that for me we didn’t need both I feel so dummy I knew better wowed my him how loving and amazing I felt by him but I had been throw a bad relationship knew to safety net it crazy how much people we believe a good I’m talk conman good lier I know and see my mistakes now cuz lost 3 years now my shine wore off I can’t please wow making happy never enough now so I have two things I can do keep leaving in toxic sadness depression or talk to a doctor fix myself worry only about my kids and self but my question is what bout he take away our home ways of living where do I go for help home car job scared if I ask for help I’ll lose my kids scared they said my babies are better off with other people cuz they have homes cars and jobs please help if this happened and I need help any places I can reach out to that will not just trying to take my babies my a good mom I can’t live without them
Thank you.....thank you....thank you! Are you available to counsel me individually? I’m in Little Rock, AR.
If n when a man is " unwilling to co-op " , i gave them the Boot. N asked them to return in 2 weeks if they had sth to talk about. In truth, I had few to no opportunities . The fi unfit for me I .... travelled . Believe me , I am good n kind. Men rarely appreciate true gems . My family talks twaddle
Ending it and scared!! Hopefully he will stay playing nice. Right now we r in honeymoon phase while divorcing. Bc he thinks we are going to be together (bf-gf) when we move out.
I am sending you strength and protection. Surround yourself with people who care about you.
Is there a good place to check into that focused on narcissistic abuse?
Can't you be co-dependent and borderline personality disorder? I was co-dependent with a narcissist by letting him pick the restaurant or even go out for fast food even tho I didn't want to eat fast food. The borderline personality disorder in me fears abandonment and will think the someone is the best or worst person or boyfriend or friend depending on what he or she says and/or does.
What about when you say what you want for dinner and they shoot that down, then you make another suggestion, shot down, and this cycle goes on for 4 or 6 suggestions until they finally come up with the place to eat and you go.
Every week. Every. Time. For a decade straight.
And you realize they don’t really care what food they eat. They are more interested in exhausting you and you feel like they just fed on your energy instead? They just metaphorically ate by putting you down.
They couldn’t think of where they wanted to go until they shot down 5 of your desires. It helps them think.
Wait - I got it:
I can say, “I’m going to XYZ tonight. Would you like to join me or May I bring you an order from your fave instead?”
Terri, when you said “change the dance” - like sidestep the pattern. Break the pattern… that was so empowering! Thank you!
I think a lot of people can relate to this! Your solution sounds good- you could even just stop at, "Do you want to join me?" If they say no, you can always tell them sorting dinner is their responsibility (if this is an adult).
Way to go!
I was not older than 11. We talk. Be back t'morrow. I had boundaries. I strongly oppose being codep.
Can you please share a video on relationships such as codependent with codependent or these types of bonds don't happen? For example, I feel like I'm what's left of a high functioning codependent because I've been working on this for few years. My parents seem to both be codependents as well, but they project themselves differently into the world. Does any form of codependency always attract a narcissist? I'm thinking it's a "no", only the extreme forms of codependent personality. Can you share a video on codependent people relationships with other types of personalities other than narcissists? Very much appreciated.
Great questions and thank you so much for asking them. and you have great timing! You might be really interested in the codependency course I am offering that starts tomorrow. Get all the info here: mark-groves.mykajabi.com/crushing-codependency
Oh god I’m so confused, am I the narcissist ? 😩
What if they are a bit of both? I thought I was the codependent and he was the narc, but I feel he is both. Which then makes me question myself.im the one keep trying to leave, but he love bombs each time.
I’m confused. I know he is not right for me but he won’t except it, says I need inner child healing 😏 no response abilities for his actions or how he triggers me.
Ok, I understand that narcissistic and codependent are both insecure people. Right ?
Yes, and it comes out in different ways. You got it!
Spot On Teri Cole. Caught my Narc cheating, putting me down all the time, just being nasty. And I verbally nuked her Godzilla style. Everything she's insecure about, she got the horns. Narcissist are just soulless pieces of shit. Nuke em if you feel like they're treating you bad. Rip them to their core. Teach them a lesson. Mine will remember me the rest of her life the nasty things I said to her. It was hilarious. I can admit, I was a codependent. I like being in relationships. Amen kids!!!
Setting boundaries, whitout defending them, mental or fysical, means Combat!
In a non firearms fight, according dad, sergant RHR, its impossible to end it unharmed, in a psychological battle i suspect that will happen!
How to prepare for battle!?
Why does it need to be a battle? I find that people (including myself) get much better results when we set our boundary with love and kindness, when appropriate.
Setting boundaries in a way others can receive it is important, and if you are combative, they might not receive it well.
Of course, if you have waited a while to set a boundary, it is common to feel like you want to explode because resentment has piled up. I would try discharging that energy by practicing saying your boundary in front of the mirror first. ❤️
@@terri_cole Maybe you give that advice to the TSA, the drugcartels would reward you!
If kindness & reason worked, this video was never made!
Side note. (Men or women can be a narcissist or codependent. Its a misnomer to believe narcissist are mostly male and just males.
I married a woman, who is truly a full blown narcissist. She’s definitely a Covert Narcissist. You will not even know it at all. Her amiable, charming natures covers the dark side in public and when she’s around people. Behind doors the Hyde side is ever present.
I did not know this when I met her, and I did not know that I was a Codependent Empath at the age of 21 when I met her.
Yep! All of the narcissists I dated were women. Women can be just as violent and abusive as men. I've learnt it the hard way.
The love bombing fase could it be compare to the word of possessiveness of the target ?
I want to take a step. A group of retired people, mostly men are at Mcdonalds and like to pick on people. Things like you are here so everyone left, or oh no look whos here. Probably kidding but I don't like it. Next time... I am changing the dance saying I DONT LIKE BEING TALKED TO LIKE THAT. or THAT IS NOT OK WITH ME. Learning boundaries, so hard for me. Yes I deserve respect and kindness
How do I set boundary with someone who doesn’t reply texts? I invited a friend to my dinner parties and he often takes weeks to reply. I want to learn how to set this boundary.
You may have conflicting boundaries in this situation! The next time you see him, you may want to talk about your boundaries and ask questions to learn more about his ❤️
Dont invite him again
Where do I get the break down cheat list you mentioned ..
Click here: www.terricole.com/codependents-narcissists/
Do narcs know - do they do this consciously? Do they know it is false? Or do they believe their own hype? Like do they do this on purpose? Getting all their needs met? Without challenge from you?
The same way there's a spectrum of narcissism, I believe there is a spectrum of self-awareness depending on the individual narcissist. Some are belligerent and will say "I don't care what other people think or how they feel as long as I get what I want," and others, who might be covert narcissists, will be less obvious and perhaps have less insight. Either way, being in a relationship with these types of personalities is dangerous and damaging.