Emotional Blackmail: Tactics + Signs to Watch Out For - Terri Cole
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- Опубліковано 22 тра 2024
- Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who uses fear, obligation, and guilt to manipulate you into doing what they want?
Or are you in that kind of relationship right now?
Then this episode on emotional blackmail is for you. I break down what emotional blackmail is and how to spot it so you can avoid being a victim of this painful, dysfunctional, abusive cycle.
Grab the free guide that goes along with this episode here: www.terricole.com/emotional-b...
TIME STAMPS:
0:00 - Introduction
2:10 - What is emotional blackmail? + History of the term
3:44 - FOG: Fear, Obligation, and Guilt - what many victims experience
7:53 - The 4 different types of emotional blackmailers
10:26 - The traits of people who tend to use emotional manipulation tactics
11:09 - The traits of people who are vulnerable to emotional manipulation
12:00 - What emotional blackmail looks and sounds like
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ABOUT TERRI COLE
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, global relationship and empowerment expert, and the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free.
For over two decades, Terri has worked with a diverse group of clients that includes everyone from stay-at-home moms to celebrities and Fortune 500 CEOs.
She has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible and actionable so that clients and students achieve sustainable change. She inspires over 450,000 people weekly through her blog, social media platform, signature courses, and her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show. For more, see www.terricole.com/
CONNECT ON SOCIAL
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Podcast: terricole.com/itunes
RESOURCES:
BetterHelp: betterhelp.com/terricole
I no longer offer one-on-one coaching/therapy sessions but highly recommend using BetterHelp to find a therapist that fits your needs. As a team, we have fully vetted BetterHelp's resources. If you choose to sign up for Better Help's service, I will receive a commission on the referral but please know that I only recommend services that I know & trust.
www.terricole.com/gethelp/ -- If you are in a crisis or any other person may be in danger the resources on this page can provide you with immediate help.
Boundary Boss Book: boundarybossbook.com/
Boundary Quiz: boundaryquiz.com
Book Mentioned: Emotional Blackmail: When the People In Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You, by Susan Forward and Donna Frazier
#terricoleshow #emotionalmanipulation #emotionalabuse - Розваги
Have you ever been emotionally blackmailed? Which of the four types of blackmailers resonated with you? Was this episode helpful? Tell me all the things 👇
In a lot of ways with what I now believe is an engulfing controlling narcissistic mother (not formally diagnosed). She was actually diagnosed as bipolar years ago.
She threatened to do things like take my kids if I didn't do what she feels is "walk the line" though I've never not taken care of any child in my care whether my niece, which she punted to me when she'd stay with us, or my own children.
I've heard the "what I've done for you" many millions of times every time I get tired of her crap, it's always been her way or the highway and she expects people to just cater to her and dance on her eggshells. I've overheard on the phone her telling people about thinking she'll just go ahead and cut me out of the will, I've heard many false promises of things she'd do if I moved into this house that never happened. She manipulated me into moving into a certain house in a certain town so she could hover as much as she wants, swears the house will be mine if she dies with no proof, refused to sign a contract with any terms, I'm just supposed to take her word for it, a year and a half ago I caught her keeping something from me that she knew I was very serious about, I told her stay away from us, there's been no contact. If she tries, I'll leave the house in a single day, WITH her grandkids, never to be seen or heard from by anyone in this family again.
Now it's how I "ruined her health" not wanting my kids around her, or her around any of us, I've supposedly "ruined her health" with the heartbreak, then after saying that she had a heart attack from actually ruining her own health.
All I have ever wanted is to live my own unbullshitafied life and well, without people trying to control me or tell me how to live or string on expectations. I can have no relationships with other family becuase she triangulates them and they're all her flying monkeys of course. I don't want to draw boundaries, I want to be done with the BS and effectively see after my own adult life with a nursing career and special needs children I homeschool.
I know you get it. Oh, and I plan to buy a house or homestead that's not this one, becuase this one's time is running out.
Thankfully after 30 years of living in the same household with her and 35 years of a miserable relationship that I didn't realize the depth of till grown, I am at least blessed my husband "sees it" and is nothing like her.
Terri, you are amazing! I bought your book and it's one of the best purchases I've ever made. Thank you so much!!
Yes my mother is a master and my father always stays on her side helping her revenge on me
Is it emotional blackmail when your spouse doesn’t overtly threaten but instead gets angry and accusing of deliberate disagreement and then withholds and then uses silent treatment and shows no affection.
I have been a victim of this…and this person has come back….as narcissists do…..
I have been emotionally blackmailed and I've also been the one to emotionally blackmail too
Yes to all of these...my narcissistic sister did all of these things. The blaming and gaslighting were so harmful to me. I'm still trying to recover from the damage she inflicted on my psyche. She would often get me to doubt myself and my ability to survive without her...and here I am 2 weeks on my own in a new apartment
Congratulations!! Living in my own apartment was one of the best times in my life. Have fun and keep on growing ❤
Congratulations on your growth and freedom. You got this!
I am witnessing you with compassion and also joy for your new path ❤️
@@slimjadeyyy thank you so much! It has been an adjustment, but I'm happy for my peace
@@jillwklausen thank you! Yes, FREEDOM!! Is always worth the struggle
My mother did all of these. I haven't spoken with her for over 2 years.
I'm learning to maintain healthy boundaries now. Recovering requires recognizing these patterns and changing my awareness so I don't allow myself to be manipulated by anyone. Work in progress.
You got this 💕
I've been there on numerous occasions right from childhood. I've overcome some trauma , however, some remain. Thanks for this very important topic. ❤.
My sisters and I were raised on FOG. Our mother used all of the tactics and still does. Your boundary course led me out of the FOG! ❤
I am so glad to hear Boundary Bootcamp was helpful to you ❤️
I ended a 17 year relationship 2 days ago abc he sent me an email this morning since I have blocked his calls, throwing in my face a song I dedicated to him 15 years ago about how he can trust me, yet he is the one that broke the trust and trying to make me feel bad for creating boundaries. It took me a minute to realize he was trying to manipulate me in this email to get a response from me! I didn’t respond because I can see his tactic and will not allow him to suck me in. It’s a process and I have a long way to go to grieve this loss but I’m thankful for this channel. It helps me know I’m not crazy lol
I am so sorry you're going through this rough time, but I am glad to hear my content is helpful for you ❤️ Sending you strength as you navigate this!
Well your book was located and purchased a few minutes ago..thank you I intend to dive in...and learn ,I am 64 raised 4 daughters been there and back , married to a malignant narcissist for 30 years...and thought I knew alot if not all ..( 40 years ago my friend Dave said..,just when you think you have seen it all something shows you how little you are really looking at...) I will add it to my Data bank...thank you
I so hope Boundary Boss helps you in your journey ❤️
I have sure lived in fear in the past of those friends who pulled me in close when I was vulnerable, heard my inner thoughts and ways of being, especially areas that were sensitive for me. AND THEN, I began to see with how she behaved with other so-called friends who had crossed her. She was relentlessly vindictive ... she planned and schemed and it was frightening to me because some of the people she had helped me manage during a terrible time I went through - were potentially dangerous, and at least would make life a living hell. I was scared she would do that and while not above-board and honest, she made the mistake of sending me some text messages from a man she didn't want her husband to see. So as I began moving away from her, she began to get pushy, critical, and demanding. I don’t recall the veiled threat but reminded he of the messages I held on my phone.
Raised by abusive and deliberately cruel parent(s), you can come out of it such a wreck you take up with similar abusers because you don't have any red flag detector. Also your self-esteem can be in such shreds that you take anyone who claims to love you and stay many years longer than you should when the situation turns out to be a bad one. Within months you may find they too are cruel and narcissistic, toxic and controlling - but you endure because that's what you were trained to do as a child. Therapy can be a part of healing and building the self-esteem and boundaries you never were taught you had a right to, as can books like Terri's and courses. The earlier you realize this is your situation, the sooner you can get strong and wise and free.
I have the father of my child on audio message he sent me and it’s talent to blame and confuse and deflect and he is dead wrong about what he is confronted by and then he flips it where u end up comforting him like if I was wrong. But I’m now awakening n it’s made me so dysregulated my body has been paying for it I had to start a war n stick to my anger just to recharge from him . I’m now planning my way to reset … we have a 16 month old n I have to flee I’ve tried everything.
I am so sorry you're experiencing this ❤️ I have a video on how to safely leave an abusive relationship here: ua-cam.com/video/8AQEK62Jogs/v-deo.html In the description are links to free resources if you live in the US.
Thank you for providing a toolbox for this topic. I like to use “target” instead of “victim.” 😊
I’m finding my strength and all the tools I require to leave from my abusive relationship with a Narcissist. I’m from Indonesia, I lost everything and everyone because I was committed to this relationship.
I hope I get out safely. As I have no family or even a job here. 😢🙏
I am witnessing you with compassion and sending you strength during this difficult time ❤️
Omg I have a few audio long recordings that will be a perfect example of what u describing. And they need to hear it in action
Yes, my mom was an emotional blackmailer and now I'm in a relationship with someone who is doing the same. We have a truck that constantly is broken down, he fixes one thing then something else brakes. He will always expect me to help him pay for it to get fixed and if I say no just trade it in and get a car that is dependable he refuses to and goes on about if it weren't for him and the truck I wouldn't have an item or items. I felt obligated to buy him the truck since he let me move in with him a few years before we got the truck. I will not have a happy Christmas because all he cares about is this money pit of a vehicle. I have spent more money on him than ANYONE else I have ever been with and he is so self-centered that all I hear when he talks is give me, give me, give me instead of what can I do for you or get you.
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️
I’m confessing: a guy from my past(~30 years) reached out. Explicitly, I said I would communicate with him IF his wife knew. We communicated and then I learned she didn’t know! I cut him off (deleted WhatsApp). 11 months later, he sends a written letter saying that they have filed for divorce. He wants to see me. I reiterated that he is married and I won’t be meeting him until the ink has dried. He was a good guy ( a bit codependent?) waay back in the day. 30 years later he doesn’t seem to have matured out of his codependency. Advice is appreciated even if it is tinged with judgement. Thank you,
Hello Im new here and dealing with 3 ppl that are very manipulative and just plain evil. I went no contact went into hiding so they're doubling down by using court my email and calling my elderly fathers home phone to harrass and threaten. I refuse to respond or give them anymore of my positive energy
Thank you Teri,I do not know how I have missed this device..in my 8 year quest into narcissism...and this magnetic draw being a empath...even though I am enlightened it rides with me..even with boundaries with a sledgehammer.this manipulation is so against my grain...of freedom..it is a massive blindspot..I know of it but FOG and this concept of self generated subconsciously?hum
I am witnessing you with compassion 💕 And I get what you mean- I functioned the same way in my younger years. I thought everyone shared my morals and values and would act much the same as me. It's called Positive Projection and it hurt me a few times because their behavior never crossed my mind, it was so foreign to me.
I have experienced every one of these. My Ex-wife used these on me on the daily. So happy to finally be divorced and on my own after a 15 year Situationship with my toxic Ex. Thanks for sharing this info with the world. I wish I knew about this so much earlier in my marriage. It took so long for me to finally understand my part in the relationship dynamic.
I am glad you were able to get out of that toxic relationship. Thank you for being here ❤️
Living all life in FOG …. for 40years of being a doughter of emotional manipulating mother (type of sufferrer) Every day. Litterally. Thank you for making me undersatnd that it had been the abuse and make me finally free from it.
May the Universe bless you Terri 💚🙌
I am so glad it was helpful for you ❤️
If someone threatens self harm if you XYZ, please pass that unfair and unseen burden on to those who can assess the veracity of the threat. Don’t ignore it, even if you’ve heard it before. Even if you’re doing nothing wrong. Even if you think it’s an idle threat to control you. It’s still with you. That was my situation and I did XYZ anyway, as was my right. I didn’t do anything legally wrong, I had no idea it was a real threat, etc, but it’s hard to sit with after someone does an irreversible thing and only you heard the threat. Don’t get caught with that emotional hot potato like I was.
The ‘sufferers’ are insidious. There’s crossover in the categories aswell. I like your system.
Thank you Terri. Your work is so precious. I have so much gratitude for you.
My wife was a master at this. She did the preemptive emotional blackmail. She'd regularly remind me how much she depended on me. How she couldn't survive without me. If we got into an argument she'd just cry and shut down. And I'd feel guilty and give up. But it meant that whenever i tried to set a boundary she'd argue until she cried and she'd wom by default. She rarely even had to openly blackmail me because she was doing it all the time. She was building up the obligation through her excessive "gratitude." But she was never loving or caring for me beyond saying those things. She was selfish and never did anything for me. Over time i began doing everything as she used her anxiety as an excuse to do less and less and implied that any push back on her demands was making her more anxious and sicker. I literally had to RUN out of that house. She was breaking me down to nothing.
I am so sorry you experienced that ❤️
Thanks so much Terry for this very interesting video. I grew up with a " sufferer " and " punisher" emotional blackmailer. Extremely painful. Has left me feeling scared of life in general. It's an everyday struggle.....
I am witnessing you with so much compassion ❤️
I have totally had to deal with this. Your videos are so wonderfully helpful. I have recommended you to so many people Terri. You are helping so many with your powerful work! 🥰
Thank you so much Callie ❤️
I took care of my grandfather the last year of his life, paid rent to stay in his house and went through a lot of emotional pain. Over the next several years of my life, any emotional support from my family came with a lot of reminders that I was a burden, I shouldn't expect help. My cousin who had been my maid of honor literally asked me never to stop by her house uninvited on the day I sat by myself to receive my son's diagnosis. My mom literally complained about having to take a week off work to help me when I had sinus surgery and I had to listen to her complain over and over about how hard it is to help me. When I asked to skip Christmas the year I was diagnosed with Celiac bc I didn't want to feel like a burden and I was still grieving the loss of all the yummy foods I was used to. Instead, my mom guilted me into going and my Aunt pulled me aside to tell me all that she went through to include me. At 48, for the first time, I am wondering why I worked so hard through the years to get their attention and love. I'm wondering why I would want people like that in my life.
I am witnessing you with so much compassion and sending love your way ❤️
Much needed Terri!!
Thank you for this video
Thanks for the video. I feel like what is being aimed at me is emotional blackmail, but now I am not sure. My son is a "blow flake" these days. In his 40's and everything is someone else's fault. He's so hurt over some things minor that most people would simply handle. It seems like he has a need to explode at someone for something daily.
What feels like emotional blackmail is when he drops the nuclear bomb, "You're never seeing your grandchildren again."
Because my husband thought a TV they took when they moved was just a loaner and still a backup TV for us. That was the initial agreement but of course not in writing and latter hubby even told them to keep it. But the rage didn't abate.
I told him I would talk to my husband, son's stepdad, but told my son that using this nuclear option over a TV is beneath him and he needs to do better than that.
If he responds like an adult, we can work through it. If not, I may set some really tough boundaries. I am tired of this.
I am witnessing you with compassion and sending strength your way as you have these difficult conversations, Mamie ❤️
@@terri_cole His response was "Mmmk" to my assertively worded text that basically challenged hm to "do better" and not go nuclear over a TV. I acknowledged that there has been hurt on both sides (in the 10 years he and his family lived rent free in my house). I suggested we start fresh and not dwell in the past. Not ideal, but going forward my new rule is discuss only 1 issue at a time. No trash picking in all the old resentments.
Thank you so much Terri! You helped me go no contact with my narcissistic mother after attending your Boundary Bootcamp Workshop at Soul Camp East in August of 2018, and now you're helping me to navigate going no contact with my narcissistic father in 2023 ❤️ It's strange how all these years I thought my dad was the "safe" parent because my mother was outwardly narcissistic (and constantly told me she was going f****** to kill me on a regular daily basis as a child). But now at 34 years old, I'm having to come to terms with the fact that my dad has taken way more from me by holding me under his thumb my entire life. One of his favorite tactics is telling me that if I ever stop talking to him (like I stopped talking to my mother) that he's going to "go out back and shoot himself because he'd have nothing left to live for". That's not love that's control and manipulation. My dad was never priming me to become a responsible, mature, independent, self reliant adult; he was prepping me to take care of him for the rest of his life. I'm so grateful for you and your content, you are literally helping so many people navigate the hardest work on this path to healing! Thank you for all that you do! ❤️
I am so glad my work has been helpful for you ❤️ I am witnessing your healing journey with joy and compassion as you put yourself first ❤️
I need this episode I'm going thru this right now
V helpful. Thank you.
❤️
Isnt Target of Abuse a better term .... implies less passive role. Emotional blackmail creates FEAR, OBLIGATION and GUILT. Doesnt this kind of manipulation cause more ANXIETY then fear (using names of emotions based on book Anatomy of the Heart). I feel anxious and deard and even worry, when this happens... and it sticks with me longer. Cause expierence tells me, that non compliance with dysfunctional/manipulative demands leads to some kind of dysfuncional (hurful, harmful, passive-aggressive) retaliation. I also think that in some people it causes shame, which is a really toxic hurtful emotional state.
Yes. My mother is the self punisher blackmailer
I just finished your audio book today…I am now a huge fan of yours. I have learned a lot from it
Thank youuu ❤️ I am so glad Boundary Boss was helpful!
Terri, love waking up to your videos 🥰 I was at Miraval only a few short days after you were there. So wish I got the chance to see you! I am reading boundary boss for the second time now 😊
❤️❤️
This video could not have come out at a better time. My soon-to-be ex-husband will not stop emailing me about how I'm hurting him and I'm hurting his family by not trying to reconcile with him. He is projecting his own feelings onto his family and trying to guilt me, saying that I'm to blame for their current misery. My high-functioning co-dependency has needed to be tied to a post this entire process because I can't trust it to look out for my own needs. Ex has also accused me of being selfish many times, and that's been really hard to hear, but I've been working hard on not absorbing that criticism. I haven't been perfect either - although I tried maintaining a friendship with a coworker and tried keeping my then-husband in the loop about our communication with each other, it all ultimately still lead to an affair. I'm not going to make excuses for my own behavior, since having an affair was the wrong way to show my dissatisfaction in the marriage. All I can say is that the affair did not happen in a vacuum. He never made me go through with it. But I did ask him for help to avoid it without sacrificing my happiness - I began feeling I could not live without this other person, so cutting him out felt worse than Hell. I wanted it both ways - an in-tact and faithful marriage, and a relationship with this other person. Ex-husband never wanted to get to know him, to be his friend, to come with me when we wanted to hang out in public, nothing. I know that if the shoe were on the other foot, I would absolutely want to befriend the other person, hang out with the two of them, and have difficult conversations with husband about feelings for the other person and how we can navigate that with a marriage. But no, all my ex-husband wanted to do was numb himself with alcohol, pizza, and video games - and then tried to hide many of those bad habits from me.
All that is to say... thank you for reminding me that neither am I selfish for not responding to his pleas, nor am I immune from being a manipulator myself, and that I should always be cognizant of where I am placing blame for anything that has happened.
Thank you for this. I'm having this happening now. I'm currently separated from my husband. I'm glad to have found you on UA-cam.
I am witnessing you with compassion and sending strength your way ❤️
Just yesterday. Obligation and guilt. Yes very helpfull. My daughter wants me to attend to her over 12 months her wedding. Under the conditon that her mother could or could not be there. Either way my daughter wants me to attend. I said previously no, not if your mother is there. under normal conditions it is a reasonable request. But given the painfull divorce 10 years ago. Her mother has a history. Because of this violent history I said no, multiple times. One of the methods my daughter has used is repetative asking. She wants no contact with me for the time being. Today I am feeling more at peace. Because she won't be calling me. I'd rather not feel this way.
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ That sounds like a difficult choice to have to make. Good for you for putting yourself first.
Q - HOW to process the triggered shame and other negative emotions from emotional blackmail ??? The target of abuse often cannot stop the other person from talking.... but what then? How to process. This happened to me on December 23rd, when my brother called me.... his words brought out so much anger.... I did not give in to the manipulation but something stuck with me for about 2 weeks (I dont know what to call it but probably maybe shame ?) - I couldnt fall asleep for 2 weeks... so exhausting... yet I could not do anything to make it go away - walking, excercize, journaling, meditative stuff, meds... nothing helped me sleep. I was able to function during the day, no panic attacks or anything like that. But after turning off the lights in bed my body just would not fall asleep. How to get rid of triggered shame?
I am witnessing you with so much compassion and sending strength your way. ❤️
I have two vids on shame that have a few tips on how to overcome it: ua-cam.com/video/XotG4cdwDWA/v-deo.html and ua-cam.com/video/tNuyY15Fwz4/v-deo.html (the guides for these episodes may help, too)
Feeling all all the feeling that you have mentioned and feel like I'm going crazy. Why would someone do something like this?
I am witnessing you with compassion and sending strength and love your way ❤️ There are many reasons why people resort to emotional blackmail, unfortunately.
So how do you put an end to it all??
Omg this happened to me if you don’t tell me this . I’m going to attack everything in your life . Which is why I’m not talking to my mom she threatened to contact where I’m living and said she would get me evicted. She also threatened that she would contact my job and bad mouth me so I told everyone she said she would contact and warned them . She also told every store in the neighborhood that I’m a thief but don’t steal at all no criminal record. When you threaten to attack my life I will protect my life . I definitely don’t want to be a minipulator so I need to kill this behaviour. I can’t count the amount of times I’ve been called selfish.
I am so sorry, Janna ❤️ From everything you've said it sounds exhausting.
❤
💕
Basically this was the way my parents raised us...
I wish I'd known this before I got married and moved to a different country with no support system except my abusive husband...
I am witnessing you with compassion and sending strength your way ❤️
My wife does this and it's tired of it
I am so sorry to hear that 💕
Hello
Hi Judy!
Hi! I have a question: Recently got out of a relationship, once this ex asked me to go for a trip, he said it was totally okay if I did not want to and I got time to think about it.
When I called to say I could go next summer instead he started saying but his co-workers wife want another girl to come with on the trip, after I said no again he changed tone and say this is important to him now you do this he said and I said that I will do it. Cause I felt I did not want to loose him...Was this a sign that the person could have used tactic more in the future or was it not a warning sign? Would you think this was a tendency?
If I understand the situation correctly - it sounds like a manipulation tactic to get you to change your mind by threatening to spend the vacation with another woman. And if that tactic is used once, it would most likely be employed again.
Thank you for answering. The ex had a male friend from work that were going on the trip who brought his wife.
First said I wanted to come next summer, the ex said that I had to due to his co-workers wife wish to not be the only girl on the trip. I said no again then the ex said "now you do this, this is important to me" after that I changed my answer to yes. It felt as two different ways to guilt me too give in.
I had a man who was friend of mine when I wasn’t ok with my husband till I was walking with him he took my pics with him with babe so now he is blackmailing me if I don’t divorce and marry him he will tell everyone and to my husband that I was with him cause I believe he does all for green card he was like I will kill myself and leave your pics so everyone can know why i suicide or different ways of blackmailing so I’m so depressed and stressed I told my husband but that guy still fallows me . What should I do?
Hi there- I cannot offer any personalized advice for your situation, but I encourage you to reach out to law enforcement if he is stalking you or threatening you. Your safety matters ❤️
Just tell them to gtfoh
Unfortunately you are not heard, your opinions doesn’t matter, only what they want, when they want, how they want, you are tied to their control
Thank you. ...its like you know my life......this his hard....but i am getting strong. I need work........