I've experienced it mainly with other women in my old team.. they were my subordinates & I do believe it was jealousy and a case of dunning krueger on their part. I'd been doing the job for 15 years but they felt like they knew it all after a few years.. I still don't know everything now after 20-odd years & constantly learning and reflecting!
There was nothing wrong with her first example of “I have a question.” “Do you have something beneficial to say?” To her I would say, speak for yourself.
One thing my mentor taught me a long time ago that worked well for me was this: focus on the people that respect you and the rest will follow eventually. I have found that to be true for me.
They teach this in US Marine Corps leadership training. They call it command voice and command presence. Has been very helpful for me ever since learning it.
@@realweisbrot I think she does a good job of breaking it down at the very beginning of this video. Its about projecting confidence with a strong tone of voice and strong body language. Let the room know “I belong here” its kind of a delicate balance though. You dont want to be yelling at people. I run into it alot at work when you’re in a room with alot of people having multiple different conversations, all these conversations tend to slowly get louder as everyone is unconsciously speaking over everyone else. In that moment, I have to read the room and sort of proudly/confidently raise my voice slightly above all of them to say “Hey! Guys, its getting way to loud in here, lets try to bring it down a notch.” (I work in the operating room.) Eye contact is also a big body language tool. I was taught to always try to notice what color someone’s eyes are when I first meet them. But ya its hard to exactly put into words. I honestly don’t remember exactly how they taught it to me. Just try not to seem like someone who is overly timid because people will tend to disregard you or feel like the can just talk over you. Be loud and proud but not too loud. And speak up when you believe what you have to add is important. Good luck 👍🏼 i hope this helps ✌🏼
Watch out with never speaking in meetings because you are too concerned with your ‘contribution’ score. If you are silent, the person who speaks will get higher up in the corporate ladder, you will be ignored and overlooked at. So what to do? Something that helped me immensely to add to the conversation is ASKING QUESTIONS. 3 things happen when you do this; 1. You are talking, so people notice you. 2. You will be considered as a critical thinker, because you ask questions. 3. You will have added value because 9 times out of 10, other people have the same or similar questions but don’t say anything.
why fake being interested just so you can move up? better to show with actions instead of words. trying too hard to be someone your not will drain you untill you burn out and then what? you are at a point where you are in a worse spot then you started even if you moved up
Advice to young find out urself don't follow what they say what I mean by that is do silly things do dumb shit(not like killing and stuff) and learn from the consequence. These guys work and figured out and may be they are right but u need the journey , everyone looking for the answers that so wrong find ur own answers my guy.
'Half the meetings I go to, I don't speak'. I love this lady! I have worked in quite a few companies where the managers and the directors suffered from 'meetingitis', i.e. we'd spend several hours a week and sometimes a day in meetings... totally fruitless. Just platforms for their egos... 'When I'm the least smart person in the room, I am happy'. Definitely the opposite of a narcissist!
True, that does tend to happen. And the greedy, manipulative sorts tend to take advantage of those who won't push back and demand. Sometimes I'll push back while at other times, I let people lean toward abusive knowing that I am putting up with the behavior for as long as necessary and that as soon as a better door opens, I'll be out. I tend to think of this as letting people show me their true colors and that I have no interest in twisting arms.
As a teacher I use this stuff all the time. Sometimes just slowing down, giving extra attention to enunciation, changing my posture (leaning in, etc), and dropping my volume is all it takes to get their attention focused back on me.
I have experienced this - I say something I know is valuable, but I get ignored. I repeat it a few times and still get ignored - THEN, another person will repeat what I’ve just said, almost word for word, and everyone turns to them and says ‘That’s a great idea, let’s do this ’ and my idea - which I’ve just said out loud several times, is now credited to them. It’s so frustrating seeing your work be ignored, but then blatantly stolen and credited to another, RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE. I left the company after that happened six times, and I set up as self employed. I know this happens to other people, mostly women.
hey things like that happen to me a lot too, getting spoken over like I'm not even there then if i tell them to not do that they act like I'm the one being rude i hope things work out really good for you
If people are ignoring what you say, then maybe you are not saying something valuable. I'm a quiet person and shy. But when I speak, I make sure to say something that will be useful, so people listen to me
I left a civilian military job as a woman because I would give ideas out left and right, like huge ideas that could really change things in tech. I was ignored for months. Finally, my coworker says he'll implement the idea after our boss flamed us for no deliverable in time (they wouldnt even allow me to write code even with my engineering degree). Boss loved it so much, he gets every higher up to allow us to show it to them. Not one thank you or good job, they all are so impressed with coworkers coding. I quit after many presentations to investors. Last I heard, my ex boss called and said they sold it to a large search engine company you may know of, and thanks for the help. He asked me to come back. Said no. Now I tell women that if you work in tech, get buddy buddy with the in house patent and copyright lawyers.
I love how she said make sure you are really being disrespected and it’s not just your ego cause someone pushed back! That is so good!! This is not dictatorship
I like the fact that she applies what she says. In the first 4 mins. of this interview, when he started talking, she immediately went silent and let him speak.
At 7:10 you talk about setting up initial boundaries and not being people's friend, and then later you can relax. I learned this as a substitute teacher. I was given this advice before I started, but couldn't follow it for real at first, and would give in too soon. If I was soft during the first 15 minutes, the rest of the day would be a nightmare. If I was super strict during the first 15 minutes, even a little cranky, after that I could be buddies with the kids and things would go smooth. It was all about the first 15 minutes of my time with a class, and I watched the clock to make sure I didn't relax too soon. If I didn't set the standard then, it was almost impossible to get control at a later point no matter how angry and punishing I became. It was crazy to watch this in real time. I leaned to put off my morning cup of coffee till I was already at school so the kids could meet me when I had no tolerance for nonsense. Halfway through the day, I'd let them call me by me first name and could just relax. Sometimes I hated being a hardass during the first bit of class, but it was the key. Other substitute teachers gave me this advice, it took me a few weeks to figure out how to put it into action, since it way not my natural personality. But I learned from this that I could have control and be friends too, it was all about timing. Because of this experience, I try hard not to judge people by first impressions. It's challenging, but manipulative people instinctively know that if they make a good first impression they can screw around later and use it as a key manipulation tactic. I am now overly suspicious of people who make too good of a first impression. I was the opposite, I would get anxious and overwhelmed when I don't know people and often make a bad first impression and then work hard to show my worth. While I'd get verbal compliments on my performance and positive reviews, others would get promoted who were clearly doing less and there seems to be no way to undue that first impression. I want to see people for who they are, I've noticed how most people are fooled, even when later consistent evidence makes it so clear that someone is not who they pretended to be at first. I want to be the person who rewards good work and sees everyone for who they are, even if they are nervous or awkward, and isn't just going on impressions.
Thank you, that was very helpful. The reason first impressions are hard to break is because of cognitive dissonance. Once you form an opinion of someone, your brain doesn’t want evidence that disproves it, because then it has to admit that its first impression was wrong.
I was mentored from the start of my career by high-level Japanese factory managers. The basic philosophy was that leadership is responsible for providing the necessary and sufficient conditions for subordinates to succeed. And when they did not succeed (short of sabotage and blatantly disregarding rules/procedures, a rarity), then the leader must reflect on what conditions they did not sufficiently provide, and rectify the situation accordingly. To sum it up, the shit tended to roll uphill in the Japanese factories that I worked with.
Admirable. In the west it's always fingers pointing down, to the people with the least power and influence and lowest pay. Makes no sense. Because they don't prioritize the mission of the company. They only prioritize their own self interest or rather, politics and protecting their position. There is no accountability in the corporate culture here. It's all assigning blame and no discourse can be had because even seeking to understand a situation is received as insubordination.
Oh man this is gold. The worst meetings are the ones asking questions on and on and on. It wastes others' time and can tell they are just talking to talk. She nailed it, is it VALUABLE? I have one coworker who does this and she is always late and THEN asks nonvaluable questions too🙄
I love her !!!!!! She is a breath of fresh air. And I agree with the tone. Being petite and people think I’m meek I talk very assertively. So many annoying females at work who talk to just hear themselves.
@@jameystone2650 I’d still rather work with and for a man than woman. Females are too emotional and play a lot of favouritism. Not saying men don’t do this either, but in my experience working with women is usually worst.
Women like you just think everything is about you. You're about as relevant as a grain of sand in a desert 🏜 let that sink in and you'll realise you're doing it all wrong.
Been using this for 30yrs parenting/ 40yrs emergency services/OR manager! This is nothing new, but glad this is being vocalised! Be respectful/secure/ straight/ honest!
8:31 I love that Evy said, " 'is there anything I can do to help you do your job better so you can be more successful at what you do?' Because I want to hear is there something I'm doing or not doing that's impacting her decision making or the way she see things so it's a two-fold". The difference between a manager and a leader/mentor is that the former often points out their subordinate's mistakes and shortcomings and complain/criticize/shame/humiliate/degrade them without reflecting on their contribution to them, whereas the latter is curious about why they made mistakes/have shortcomings and is also genuinely committed to helping their subordinate grow and shine. They work as a coach to solve the problem together in a supportive and empowering way, rather than in a micromanaging, punitive, condescending and/or dismissive way.
This is a great review of so many things I learned back in school too… Except at present, one of my biggest challenges is upon asking what I can do to help the situation along, I’ve received the answer: “it’s not always about you“… What can you do in a situation like that? And yes, I did ask what I had done to evoke that statement - but also to no avail. My daily struggle is to just realize that some people do not want things to work well -one of my most difficult and painful realizations.
I think when she brought up the point on why people think it's okay to disrespect you, I think it's not even about disrespecting you, they are doing it to themselves so it doesn't matter how many times you tell them to stop there going to keep on doing it. This is not a TV show or movie this is real life. People have reasons that communication can not solve at times you just have to let them go. they live a life of self-disrespect, why would you think? they would respect you?. -Jay Alexander
Contribution score nation is absolutely correct. Somebody can dominate the conversation and talk solid 90% of the time and captive the rooms attention… based on their high contribution score. Then others see this and mimic it… without the contribution score.
I have to reconsider conflict and be comfortable doing that. It doesn’t need to get ugly. I’ve let so many things go that I shrunk and that’s not okay either. Things have changed since I’ve subtly begun to put in boundaries. Can’t wait to view the whole session
I'm 5'7, quite person so, most people pick on me 😂 Wjen that happens I address it right away forninstwncenif I'm on the phone and someone keep cutting me off. I usually let them know,'hey I don't appreciate people that cut me off" if it repeats I escalate and say,"that's rude and disrespectful of you" it works all the time.
One thing that helps open up the voice so you project more is doing vocal trill exercises. It helps relax the jaw and warms up the vocal chords. Singers often use this technique. People don't often think about the necessity of vocal projection in ordinary life though, so many people neglect their voice outside of certain professions that utilize the voice.
@@robelso5646 I m just reacting negatively to his negative contribution score. It's the comment section equivalent of the eyerollmoment mentioned by Steven 🤣🤣🤣
Tbh every time im in a group of people i notice im always talked over or interrupted. I use to rage over it, now i simply sit back and say nothing until my presence in the conversation is noticed to missing. If its not noticed i know what circle to leave.
the problem is if you dont have a choice to leave, which you very often dont. lets say youre at work or in school and its a team assignment ? you are just going to get up and leave? you are going to complain to the boss/teacher?
As an educator we were taught to be strick with learners in the beginning of the year and more relaxed in the second semester. It is easier to relase control than to try and gain it. All about building habits and boundaries early, much harder to build later.
This podcast is a gem among podcasts, very interesting conversations, important topics, smart guests, very well mannered host- thank you very much - subscribed
You are asking the wrong question. Instead of asking why your colleagues doesnt respect you. Ask yourself what boundaries you allowed them to cross in the first place. People DONT respect people that DONT respect themselves. You TEACH people, how you WANT to be treated.⚔️
I agree in part. Unfortunately, some people are just rude and disrespectful. That's on them. Don't be rude back to them. Set boundaries. Be polite and smile. 🙏
Agreed. Verbal abusers will fk with you anyway they can. It's a power dynamic/game. Being educated on verbal abuse patterns, help us recognize those behaviors and nip them in the bud. Oh no you don't. And inner confidence leads to outer confidence, but we have to learn it.
@@StarGazer807 completely agree. We can't control 100% our environment and how people are going to express themselves. But it if happens very often, you are either in a crap industry or there is something you communicate to people that allows them this disrepect
I watched my whole life how people get disrespected and be disrespectful to others. I observed how it happened all around me but never to me. Its the art of knowing how to talk to people. A part of it is knowing how to package something that maybe considered negative, blunt, or straightforward in such a way they with thank you for it and appreciate it. It leaves no room for offense which seems to them like an attack, in which they have to defend themselves.
I genuinely think like her. Never was afraid of conflict or confronting things. Never understood the pressure of speaking when I have nothing to say, I simply am there to learn. I'm realizing just how toxic my demographic is and I need to leave this place.
Every time I try to subscribe to Evy's channel, it pops up with this guy. She has so many great things to say, but his answers go on and on and about just him.
I think this also depends on the environment and people that you are surrounded with. If they are those who love to talk nonsense, they will tend to think you are too quiet or a loser if you don't speak. From my experience, most people in the office just love to talk. They respect those who have humor content, even however many lies or bullshit they hear they won't and don't want to realize it as long as they get entertained and companionship.
Some people are just generally bad mannered or basically disrespectful. Something that should have been taught at home. It doesn’t necessarily reflect poorly on the person that’s being disrespected. It actually reflects poorly on the person behaving in maturely. I don’t command respect, however I will not waste too much time on people that don’t have this basic skill.
If their values are at loggerheads with yours, you wont get respected. Only higher ranked people get respect not because they act different but they have power over the persons job.
When you were talking about the low contribution score…a therapist told me that if you are scared to speak up in a meeting or group you should, because people will be curious about what you have to say, regardless of whether you’ve contributed before or not…in fact people are more interested to hear new voices than the same regular people blabbing on …but I agree, tone and delivery make a huge difference
In the most humblest and sincere tone: 1. Great topic 2. Good points 3. Considering the social constructs, these tips are highly effective, depending on the status of the individual (e.g., gender, sex, race, ethnicity, affiliations, access to realistic and especially effective recourse/backup etc.) Consider if this segment was not inclusive of a “White” woman, and a “Man” coupled with a powerful and established position. The dialogue, scenarios, and potential remedies (i.e., if any realistic remedies at all) causes for a different approach
I love the taking personal responsibility for your part. I had a low Contribution Score. I was the one who could not stand uncomfortable silences when the sales manager asked for feedback. No one else would speak, so I thought it was my responsibility. I also thought I was honoring a guest speaker to ask a question during the Q & A . Learning in my old age to stay silent, unless I have something very important to say. I hope this is one of those times!
You missed a great chance to address an even more pressing issue, one that afflicts most people, way more than a boss feeling disrespected by his subordinates: a subordinate feeling disrespected by his/her boss, which is much, much more tricky, but also very common. And considering that most people are not bosses, but subordinates, this is quite an issue. Perhaps because Stephen is a boss, he subliminally avoided the issue. He started to bring it up and then, turned it around to make it about the boss feeling disrespected. Most bosses are not like Evy, they blame others for their mistakes, disregard other people’s opinions, etc., etc. And because they have more power, they often abuse it.
That’s a good point, I do think she did a good job of (indirectly) addressing this by suggesting to turn accountability to one’s self as a leader. And examining how we are showing up in that sense, especially when in a position of impacting how others are able to or feel comfortable showing up. Women are far more likely to naturally possess that mindset- great leaders understand how to cultivate this skill - regardless of gender. So although the direct language was not there and I agree that would have been a great topic to cover more in depth, I like that she at least points this out- and it seems like an idea that’s less familiar to him. Where he’s far more likely to analyze the how and why of what other people are doing. As I know from my own experience, of my own behavior and with observing others - even the most curious and thoughtful minds (sometimes especially us!) have huge blind spots. And intellect does not equal personal development on deeper levels at times. She also mentions ego which- is another indirect mention, some humility and grace for others is far more important than requiring that others keep up their ‘score’ .. it’s all balance but, true wisdom is to know these things, and to still approach from a space of gratitude and humiliate for self and others. (In my opinion, of course!) :)
@Andie & @Kinteresting.... May I thoughtfully thank you for the contribution and that's allowed me to listen to you both. Brilliant insights. .... When I think on these topics, I always engage with my innerman that says; Respect the Job Description given by the Boss.... & To the Boss, Respect your own worded article articulating the Job description being put into action by the Subordinate. Then, there'll be ethics vs emotions... Ofcourse I'm not employed nor am I a boss, but I always look at this topic around my worded comment. Please enlighten me further, I read to learn. Thank you
I believe also with having something important to say is learning to encourage others, bring out the best in people, lift people up with that commanding tone! Look at how someone like Tony Robbins does. He has a commanding voice and he's been a #1 motivational speaker forever. Look at great motivators and how they speak. When you learn to bring out the best in people they will respect you, PERIOD!
Social sparring! In a boxing Teddy Atlas voice but my analogy: you don't have to jump out of the ring and run away. You don't have to knock them out with one punch of bad intentions in the first round either. Just pop out a light jab.... Maybe it pops their head back.... But you got their attention!!!!! Don't be afraid of their counter punch. Most of the time there isn't one! To me those light jabs are as she explained, tone of voice , eye contact , body language, handling it right there right away.... Very helpful
This is cool to hear! Ive always been that quiet guy and ive noticed since a while back that when i speak, people listen because i only talk when i have something of value to share. Before noticing this pattern though, Ive always just thought it was a bad thing to not "small talk" or say something just because. Guess im awesome
I find people who are within a negative cycle most often find a way to turn any opening to do or say good, into something bad or negative. And when you address this dynamic, they take zero responsibility and dismiss it. A way to address this is a question like “how did what you just said, serve you and our goals?” You can give them opening after opening to contribute: they lack the quality of self reflection and the quality to fully putting themselves into the others perspective and perception. If it’s really bad, they simply energise on bad vibes. To turn this into your own accountability ask yourself what happened that I allowed a toxic person in my life? Decide based on which boundaries you wish to move forward. And finally and most importantly, if this person triggers you, find a way to disarm that trigger. Especially if the other person is someone you deeply love.
I have noticed if i eat meat and fat for breakfast - eggs. Get good sleep, exercise, then i dont even think in this manner. Its when im sleeping 5 hours a night, drinking coffee and being in a rush i get into a "frenzy, nervous mode" then that shows up in communication. The former i have to tone it back even, im too comfortable and might say a cuss word to say something out of pocket because again my body is pysiologically stable vs the latter which is the antithesis of that.
The key is the perceived value and how you project it. During initial interactions, the primary objective is to evaluate the value of the other person, a process that typically demands time and knowledge about that person. Without sufficient knowledge, and aiming for maximum value with minimal effort, we often rely on the confidence of the other person to make our judgments. Confidence is crucial, but over time, your true value will inevitably become apparent.
What an exceptional talent. He's close to being one the best hosts on the the internet. Very estute and very thorough,in his line of questioning. I watched this channel 🪴. Congratulations on all of your success and guests should line up. Jordann Peterson I would love to see you two go at it.
So important she says to first address what we / I may have done to manifested action against me. Our universe is a cause and effect / duality system. Taking responsibility within first and foremost is where we will see the greatest change. For me slowing down and pausing to respond or “do” has helped see the bigger picture in the now moment.
My whole career I got pushed to talk when I should have stayed quiet. This is golden advice that everyone needs to hear. Stop giving the attention to the squeaky wheel and given attention where value is added.
There's tremendous value in waiting until you have something of undeniable value to contribute. Otherwise a person can fall in the trap of trying to be heard, which is a losing game. WANTING to be heard is more powerful.
@@waxk9 Great question. The way you know is by listening to what the outcomes the key stakeholders in the room care about and are looking for. This may take some time and there isn't a hack for this. You have to listen carefully to what's happening in these meetings and ask them to right questions to really find out. Once you feed it back and they confirm, then you add comments with undeniable value around that. its undeniable value because you have already confirmed its exactly what they care most about. Most people get this wrong and talk fast before they speak from an informed space.
Depends who you are dealing with. There are people who speak quietly and articulate that I’d rather listen to than someone over projecting at me. That’s for sure. But think that is a difference in intellect.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to move on, I really loved her so much i can’t stop thinking about her and the memories we shared. I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail. I’m frustrated, and i don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts, but i can’t. I don’t know why I’m saying this here, but i really miss her and i wish i could get her back.
I have been in such a situation. My relationship ended about three years ago, but i could not let her go. So i had to do all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual adviser who helped me bring her back. We are back together, and i must say i am enjoying every moment.
True.... make sure you have something beneficial to say at the table...don't just waffle on because you feel you have to say something! Lots of people like that at work and it just wastes everyone's time
I have a strong presence and I present myself strong but with humbleness. It lets them know I respect myself and I don’t tolerate child like behavior after raising 3 strong young adults. My daughter says mom these kids you can’t say nothing to them. I speak to them strong but with love and they listen
I always remember my first day with what would become my favourite high school teacher. That day he was an overly strict, authoritarian monster who demanded complete attention. He was never that way again, but he wanted to show everyone what he was capable of and why things were a lot better when you did the right thing.
Every bloody time I vulnerably assert or speak up for myself I am met w aggression + gaslighting so naturally it makes gun shy about speaking again. I do not feel safe sharing bc most ppl choose to get defensive + turn the tables on you.
@@Tsuki7786 So true.Had this happen at work.Finding my role hard,so spoke up for my self.My boss jumped down my throat,could see i was having a hard time,but just made feel worthless,for almost having an opinion.Jumped on me verbally with quick questions,ie ,if i move you to another role,then everybody else will want to moove etc,then i clamed up ,so the person got closer to my face,im speaking to you,im speaking to you ,did not have time to think of a answer ,so felt intimidated,and a little useless.
You can say all of this but it really comes down to respect, you give you get or you cut those off that don’t get that, people, friends, family customers, simplify your perspective. You will be empowering yourself.
This is what my mentor and my good friend (who works for some kind of intelligence) would say over again and again about "Speak Less", which meant "Speak only that which is necessary without any drivels"
Bullshit.. You said it all, “when an important guy came from the U.K.” Everyone listened because of their position. The other guy may not speak well in front of groups or a group where he is repeatedly a scapegoat and joke for eye rolls. Gaslighting in corporate america always a good time.
She has great body language, eye contact, tone of voice, and presence. Although much of what she says is too subjective and is not representative of other work places. It all sounds good, but in reality, there are too many other variables that deviate from what she is saying.
Absolutely true about contribution track record. I sit in a lot of engineering meetings and this is how it works: for a real life problem, there is hardly a fix that jumps off the page. There might be multiple solutions proposed, all open to valid criticism and interpretation, and not much between them on quick glance. If you have a low contribution record, people will have a tendency to interpret against you. You are now in trouble, as you have to fend off twice the amount of 'concerns' from team members. You will avoid that by 1) speaking only when you have something sensible to say, and 2) formulate your thoughts clearly and unambiguously. It's not so much about peer recognition, as it is about your ability to sell your ideas with ease (your job may very well depend on it).
C'mon man, everybody deserves to be listened to. Its disrespectful if someone is trying to say something and ya'll dismiss it. They could have a disability aswell which is downright disrespectful
Wrong. That what’s wrong with the world today. Before social media, the people who no one listens to weren’t able to put their nonsense in play. Be disciplined. You’re owed nothing. Earn or be quiet.
Learning to breath correctly is critical. Diaphragmatic breathing is necessary for projection and relaxation. I used to street preach some 40 years ago and it still serves me well at work. Deliver the truth w/ no apologies.
This is a great explanation. You have to set boundaries. If you don’t, you will be walked over. The tone setting is a big thing for me. I had to learn that. I work in retail. I had to learn to project my tone in a way that is business mode.
Yes when people do not say anything or speak up it is worse since the problem compounds into a bigger issue. The hard part is when others do not recognize this.
My bias from thousands of meetings is that the person talking loudly and confidently is generally insecure and covering that insecurity and lack of knowledge up using fake confidence
❤❤❤ Also remember that some of us have had throat surgeries and other seasonal allergies that hurt the vocal chords when needing to raise the voice. I agree 💯 percent about the strength or weakness in the voice. I have vocal chords problems and so when I they are fully functional I do speak up. It's so draining when ppl think your a push over cuz we are quiet. So yeah be where your at. Cheers for the video Evy.
📺 Watch the full episode here -
ua-cam.com/video/iz_SJ5TpLJ0/v-deo.html&ab_channel=TheDiaryOfACEO
Remarkable format and thoughtful questioning. Very helpful in every episode
Love this woman; HATE the lighting, does weird things to my eyes.
I've experienced it mainly with other women in my old team.. they were my subordinates & I do believe it was jealousy and a case of dunning krueger on their part. I'd been doing the job for 15 years but they felt like they knew it all after a few years.. I still don't know everything now after 20-odd years & constantly learning and reflecting!
"do you have anything beneficial to say? If no then don't talk." this is very very good.
this is like baby brain level analysis
@@zzzz-r5b because i'm a genius, baby boy.
This would apply to the majority of the population.
@@zzzz-r5byou obviously missed the point
There was nothing wrong with her first example of “I have a question.”
“Do you have something beneficial to say?” To her I would say, speak for yourself.
One thing my mentor taught me a long time ago that worked well for me was this: focus on the people that respect you and the rest will follow eventually. I have found that to be true for me.
Makes a lot of sense
Great advice. Thank you
@@lmiller1413 no problem 🫶🏽🤙🏽
Amen thats good!
Excellent
They teach this in US Marine Corps leadership training. They call it command voice and command presence. Has been very helpful for me ever since learning it.
If I’m not in the US Marine Corps, how I can learn it in in everyday life? Just learning by doing or do u have some special advice ?
Get Down & Gimme 50 You Big Dosser!!!🗣️
@@realweisbrot👆
Same
@@realweisbrot I think she does a good job of breaking it down at the very beginning of this video. Its about projecting confidence with a strong tone of voice and strong body language. Let the room know “I belong here” its kind of a delicate balance though. You dont want to be yelling at people. I run into it alot at work when you’re in a room with alot of people having multiple different conversations, all these conversations tend to slowly get louder as everyone is unconsciously speaking over everyone else. In that moment, I have to read the room and sort of proudly/confidently raise my voice slightly above all of them to say “Hey! Guys, its getting way to loud in here, lets try to bring it down a notch.” (I work in the operating room.) Eye contact is also a big body language tool. I was taught to always try to notice what color someone’s eyes are when I first meet them. But ya its hard to exactly put into words. I honestly don’t remember exactly how they taught it to me. Just try not to seem like someone who is overly timid because people will tend to disregard you or feel like the can just talk over you. Be loud and proud but not too loud. And speak up when you believe what you have to add is important. Good luck 👍🏼 i hope this helps ✌🏼
Watch out with never speaking in meetings because you are too concerned with your ‘contribution’ score. If you are silent, the person who speaks will get higher up in the corporate ladder, you will be ignored and overlooked at. So what to do? Something that helped me immensely to add to the conversation is ASKING QUESTIONS. 3 things happen when you do this; 1. You are talking, so people notice you. 2. You will be considered as a critical thinker, because you ask questions. 3. You will have added value because 9 times out of 10, other people have the same or similar questions but don’t say anything.
You hit the nail on the spot...That has been one of the tactics that has helped me tremendously
why fake being interested just so you can move up? better to show with actions instead of words. trying too hard to be someone your not will drain you untill you burn out and then what? you are at a point where you are in a worse spot then you started even if you moved up
Yes and no. I’ve been in meetings where people try this tactic and only reveal how little they understand not only the company but their own role. 😳
@@vivianeze4889 " Hit the nail on the~ Head... ok, call me pedantic ..( :
Again, don't ask stupid questions. Make sure your questions are valuable and not just filler. Ask worthwhile questions.
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” -Abraham Lincoln
_See also: Proverbs 17:28_
❤❤❤❤
Word!
Advice to young find out urself don't follow what they say what I mean by that is do silly things do dumb shit(not like killing and stuff)
and learn from the consequence.
These guys work and figured out and may be they are right but u need the journey , everyone looking for the answers that so wrong find ur own answers my guy.
Sometimes in a meeting it's better to ask questions then to just ventilate an opinion.
True but of course not every quote is applicable in every situation, this is true only with people you’re just building rapport with.
'Half the meetings I go to, I don't speak'. I love this lady! I have worked in quite a few companies where the managers and the directors suffered from 'meetingitis', i.e. we'd spend several hours a week and sometimes a day in meetings... totally fruitless. Just platforms for their egos...
'When I'm the least smart person in the room, I am happy'. Definitely the opposite of a narcissist!
Ifvyou are too nice, too good, people will perceive it as weakness
True, that does tend to happen. And the greedy, manipulative sorts tend to take advantage of those who won't push back and demand. Sometimes I'll push back while at other times, I let people lean toward abusive knowing that I am putting up with the behavior for as long as necessary and that as soon as a better door opens, I'll be out. I tend to think of this as letting people show me their true colors and that I have no interest in twisting arms.
This is the harsh reality.
Because it IS weakness
@@GoneSpeaking-zj3blmy biggest weakness is being too good
@@GoneSpeaking-zj3blNo it’s a weakness to be nasty, arrogant and self-centered.
As a teacher I use this stuff all the time. Sometimes just slowing down, giving extra attention to enunciation, changing my posture (leaning in, etc), and dropping my volume is all it takes to get their attention focused back on me.
“Uh-oh, better pay attention, Teacher just put on his serious voice!”😂
"I set the tone", this is how I handle my meetings. Love how she said it!
I have experienced this - I say something I know is valuable, but I get ignored. I repeat it a few times and still get ignored - THEN, another person will repeat what I’ve just said, almost word for word, and everyone turns to them and says ‘That’s a great idea, let’s do this ’ and my idea - which I’ve just said out loud several times, is now credited to them. It’s so frustrating seeing your work be ignored, but then blatantly stolen and credited to another, RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE.
I left the company after that happened six times, and I set up as self employed. I know this happens to other people, mostly women.
hey things like that happen to me a lot too, getting spoken over like I'm not even there then if i tell them to not do that they act like I'm the one being rude
i hope things work out really good for you
Glad you left. No one should be treated like that.
If people are ignoring what you say, then maybe you are not saying something valuable. I'm a quiet person and shy. But when I speak, I make sure to say something that will be useful, so people listen to me
Oh, that's soo frustrating. It's happened to me too, and after a while you just give up and stop Contributing. Like what even is the point
I left a civilian military job as a woman because I would give ideas out left and right, like huge ideas that could really change things in tech. I was ignored for months. Finally, my coworker says he'll implement the idea after our boss flamed us for no deliverable in time (they wouldnt even allow me to write code even with my engineering degree). Boss loved it so much, he gets every higher up to allow us to show it to them. Not one thank you or good job, they all are so impressed with coworkers coding. I quit after many presentations to investors. Last I heard, my ex boss called and said they sold it to a large search engine company you may know of, and thanks for the help. He asked me to come back. Said no. Now I tell women that if you work in tech, get buddy buddy with the in house patent and copyright lawyers.
I love how she said make sure you are really being disrespected and it’s not just your ego cause someone pushed back! That is so good!! This is not dictatorship
I like the fact that she applies what she says. In the first 4 mins. of this interview, when he started talking, she immediately went silent and let him speak.
😅
You teach people how to treat you!
I’m a student teacher and I think everything said here is applicable to the classroom too. Very helpful.
And parenting.
At 7:10 you talk about setting up initial boundaries and not being people's friend, and then later you can relax. I learned this as a substitute teacher. I was given this advice before I started, but couldn't follow it for real at first, and would give in too soon. If I was soft during the first 15 minutes, the rest of the day would be a nightmare. If I was super strict during the first 15 minutes, even a little cranky, after that I could be buddies with the kids and things would go smooth. It was all about the first 15 minutes of my time with a class, and I watched the clock to make sure I didn't relax too soon. If I didn't set the standard then, it was almost impossible to get control at a later point no matter how angry and punishing I became.
It was crazy to watch this in real time. I leaned to put off my morning cup of coffee till I was already at school so the kids could meet me when I had no tolerance for nonsense. Halfway through the day, I'd let them call me by me first name and could just relax. Sometimes I hated being a hardass during the first bit of class, but it was the key. Other substitute teachers gave me this advice, it took me a few weeks to figure out how to put it into action, since it way not my natural personality. But I learned from this that I could have control and be friends too, it was all about timing.
Because of this experience, I try hard not to judge people by first impressions. It's challenging, but manipulative people instinctively know that if they make a good first impression they can screw around later and use it as a key manipulation tactic. I am now overly suspicious of people who make too good of a first impression. I was the opposite, I would get anxious and overwhelmed when I don't know people and often make a bad first impression and then work hard to show my worth. While I'd get verbal compliments on my performance and positive reviews, others would get promoted who were clearly doing less and there seems to be no way to undue that first impression. I want to see people for who they are, I've noticed how most people are fooled, even when later consistent evidence makes it so clear that someone is not who they pretended to be at first. I want to be the person who rewards good work and sees everyone for who they are, even if they are nervous or awkward, and isn't just going on impressions.
Oh, that’s so true with the group of kids. I used to take care of group of kids during summer camps. I’ve learned that a hard way
Thank you, that was very helpful.
The reason first impressions are hard to break is because of cognitive dissonance.
Once you form an opinion of someone, your brain doesn’t want evidence that disproves it, because then it has to admit that its first impression was wrong.
I was mentored from the start of my career by high-level Japanese factory managers. The basic philosophy was that leadership is responsible for providing the necessary and sufficient conditions for subordinates to succeed. And when they did not succeed (short of sabotage and blatantly disregarding rules/procedures, a rarity), then the leader must reflect on what conditions they did not sufficiently provide, and rectify the situation accordingly. To sum it up, the shit tended to roll uphill in the Japanese factories that I worked with.
Which I think is true in most cases. Because they are responsible for creating the environment
Admirable. In the west it's always fingers pointing down, to the people with the least power and influence and lowest pay. Makes no sense. Because they don't prioritize the mission of the company.
They only prioritize their own self interest or rather, politics and protecting their position. There is no accountability in the corporate culture here. It's all assigning blame and no discourse can be had because even seeking to understand a situation is received as insubordination.
That's called conservatism..
👍🙏🕊️
I love how confident Evy is and how she breaks down the communication ❤😊 God Bless
Oh man this is gold. The worst meetings are the ones asking questions on and on and on. It wastes others' time and can tell they are just talking to talk. She nailed it, is it VALUABLE? I have one coworker who does this and she is always late and THEN asks nonvaluable questions too🙄
these arseholes just want to hear the sound of there own voices
I love her !!!!!! She is a breath of fresh air. And I agree with the tone. Being petite and people think I’m meek I talk very assertively. So many annoying females at work who talk to just hear themselves.
It's not just women, it's men too.
@@jameystone2650 I’d still rather work with and for a man than woman. Females are too emotional and play a lot of favouritism. Not saying men don’t do this either, but in my experience working with women is usually worst.
…
Women like you just think everything is about you. You're about as relevant as a grain of sand in a desert 🏜 let that sink in and you'll realise you're doing it all wrong.
Her book is amazing by the way. As someone not in her sector of work, every 2 or 3 pages made me stop and think.
Courtesy is deserved. Respect is earned. I give as much respect as I receive. Learn the difference.
Been using this for 30yrs parenting/ 40yrs emergency services/OR manager! This is nothing new, but glad this is being vocalised! Be respectful/secure/ straight/ honest!
"Contribution score" that's such an amazing concept, so real in life in general! Great conversation, thank you
My father loves to debate so I’ve had much practice speaking my mind respectfully and authoritatively
😂
Same here 🤣🤣🤣
My father is so authoritative that he doesn't let anyone speak.
@@CinnamonStickkthis is not authority this is tyrrany… know it!
@@CinnamonStickkThat's authoritarian, not authoritative.
She’s so humble yet powerful - appreciate her value always - great content 🙏🏼
I learned so many lessons always from your guests and yourself. One of them is to allow your guests to talk more. God bless you.
I find it thoughtful of her to ask the one who made the mistake if she did anything that impacted it.
8:31 I love that Evy said, " 'is there anything I can do to help you do your job better so you can be more successful at what you do?' Because I want to hear is there something I'm doing or not doing that's impacting her decision making or the way she see things so it's a two-fold". The difference between a manager and a leader/mentor is that the former often points out their subordinate's mistakes and shortcomings and complain/criticize/shame/humiliate/degrade them without reflecting on their contribution to them, whereas the latter is curious about why they made mistakes/have shortcomings and is also genuinely committed to helping their subordinate grow and shine. They work as a coach to solve the problem together in a supportive and empowering way, rather than in a micromanaging, punitive, condescending and/or dismissive way.
This is a great review of so many things I learned back in school too… Except at present, one of my biggest challenges is upon asking what I can do to help the situation along, I’ve received the answer: “it’s not always about you“… What can you do in a situation like that? And yes, I did ask what I had done to evoke that statement - but also to no avail. My daily struggle is to just realize that some people do not want things to work well -one of my most difficult and painful realizations.
I think when she brought up the point on why people think it's okay to disrespect you, I think it's not even about disrespecting you, they are doing it to themselves so it doesn't matter how many times you tell them to stop there going to keep on doing it. This is not a TV show or movie this is real life. People have reasons that communication can not solve at times you just have to let them go.
they live a life of self-disrespect, why would you think? they would respect you?. -Jay Alexander
Perfect. 👍🏼🙏🏼
Contribution score nation is absolutely correct.
Somebody can dominate the conversation and talk solid 90% of the time and captive the rooms attention… based on their high contribution score. Then others see this and mimic it… without the contribution score.
I have to reconsider conflict and be comfortable doing that.
It doesn’t need to get ugly.
I’ve let so many things go that I shrunk and that’s not okay either. Things have changed since I’ve subtly begun to put in boundaries. Can’t wait to view the whole session
This is me as well
I'm 5'7, quite person so, most people pick on me 😂 Wjen that happens I address it right away forninstwncenif I'm on the phone and someone keep cutting me off. I usually let them know,'hey I don't appreciate people that cut me off" if it repeats I escalate and say,"that's rude and disrespectful of you" it works all the time.
Silence is deafening, presence is magnetic, visceral communication is commanding.
One thing that helps open up the voice so you project more is doing vocal trill exercises. It helps relax the jaw and warms up the vocal chords. Singers often use this technique. People don't often think about the necessity of vocal projection in ordinary life though, so many people neglect their voice outside of certain professions that utilize the voice.
Should one just google vocal trill and exercises to find them??
Yes thank you. This. I needed to read this. Can you recommend some trill exercises?.
@@Deeliteeduh, what do you THINK?
@@Wandering.Homebodywhy are you so condescending? Bro was just asking a question?
@@robelso5646 I m just reacting negatively to his negative contribution score. It's the comment section equivalent of the eyerollmoment mentioned by Steven 🤣🤣🤣
Tbh every time im in a group of people i notice im always talked over or interrupted. I use to rage over it, now i simply sit back and say nothing until my presence in the conversation is noticed to missing. If its not noticed i know what circle to leave.
Choose better buddies.
the problem is if you dont have a choice to leave, which you very often dont. lets say youre at work or in school and its a team assignment ? you are just going to get up and leave? you are going to complain to the boss/teacher?
Exactly. Best way to get respect is to not give a shit if people like you or not. If they think you want to be liked, they perceive that as weakness.
Thank you! I love the way you paraphrased that!!
Are you INFP? Not sure why, but it frequently happens to this personality type.
As an educator we were taught to be strick with learners in the beginning of the year and more relaxed in the second semester. It is easier to relase control than to try and gain it. All about building habits and boundaries early, much harder to build later.
'Contribution score' - that is very smart. Love that Steven
That contribution score is real in almost every area of life, at home, at school, church, work, clique of friends..
This podcast is a gem among podcasts, very interesting conversations, important topics, smart guests, very well mannered host- thank you very much - subscribed
You are asking the wrong question.
Instead of asking why your colleagues doesnt respect you.
Ask yourself what boundaries you allowed them to cross in the first place. People DONT respect people that DONT respect themselves.
You TEACH people, how you WANT to be treated.⚔️
I agree in part. Unfortunately, some people are just rude and disrespectful. That's on them. Don't be rude back to them. Set boundaries. Be polite and smile. 🙏
Agreed. Verbal abusers will fk with you anyway they can. It's a power dynamic/game. Being educated on verbal abuse patterns, help us recognize those behaviors and nip them in the bud. Oh no you don't. And inner confidence leads to outer confidence, but we have to learn it.
@@carolsaia7401sounds very interesting do you have resources to read up on this?
@@StarGazer807 completely agree. We can't control 100% our environment and how people are going to express themselves. But it if happens very often, you are either in a crap industry or there is something you communicate to people that allows them this disrepect
I watched my whole life how people get disrespected and be disrespectful to others. I observed how it happened all around me but never to me. Its the art of knowing how to talk to people. A part of it is knowing how to package something that maybe considered negative, blunt, or straightforward in such a way they with thank you for it and appreciate it. It leaves no room for offense which seems to them like an attack, in which they have to defend themselves.
This entire convo on both sides had a ton of value 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
I genuinely think like her. Never was afraid of conflict or confronting things. Never understood the pressure of speaking when I have nothing to say, I simply am there to learn. I'm realizing just how toxic my demographic is and I need to leave this place.
I AM THE ONE WHO SETS THE TONE……….that’s so good!!!!!!
Every time I try to subscribe to Evy's channel, it pops up with this guy. She has so many great things to say, but his answers go on and on and about just him.
Totally agree with your comment, I noticed this and got impatient with him.
Ikr, pretty ironic
I love his contributions to the conversation. He’s polite, articulate and intelligent.
Yep he’s full of himself. Boring
I think this also depends on the environment and people that you are surrounded with.
If they are those who love to talk nonsense, they will tend to think you are too quiet or a loser if you don't speak.
From my experience, most people in the office just love to talk. They respect those who have humor content, even however many lies or bullshit they hear they won't and don't want to realize it as long as they get entertained and companionship.
I love Evy. She is a great inspiration and driver of clarity for a lot of lost women and men.
Some people are just generally bad mannered or basically disrespectful. Something that should have been taught at home.
It doesn’t necessarily reflect poorly on the person that’s being disrespected. It actually reflects poorly on the person behaving in maturely.
I don’t command respect, however I will not waste too much time on people that don’t have this basic skill.
If their values are at loggerheads with yours, you wont get respected. Only higher ranked people get respect not because they act different but they have power over the persons job.
When you were talking about the low contribution score…a therapist told me that if you are scared to speak up in a meeting or group you should, because people will be curious about what you have to say, regardless of whether you’ve contributed before or not…in fact people are more interested to hear new voices than the same regular people blabbing on …but I agree, tone and delivery make a huge difference
In the most humblest and sincere tone:
1. Great topic
2. Good points
3. Considering the social constructs, these tips are highly effective, depending on the status of the individual (e.g., gender, sex, race, ethnicity, affiliations, access to realistic and especially effective recourse/backup etc.)
Consider if this segment was not inclusive of a “White” woman, and a “Man” coupled with a powerful and established position. The dialogue, scenarios, and potential remedies (i.e., if any realistic remedies at all) causes for a different approach
I love the taking personal responsibility for your part. I had a low Contribution Score. I was the one who could not stand uncomfortable silences when the sales manager asked for feedback. No one else would speak, so I thought it was my responsibility. I also thought I was honoring a guest speaker to ask a question during the Q & A . Learning in my old age to stay silent, unless I have something very important to say. I hope this is one of those times!
Thank *** I don't work in corporate! Validation seeking is damaging ! Use your instincts and do you!
Doesn't make sense. Do you?
@@peteg9011yes it does. Do you is an expression meaning be yourself
Always set boundaries at the beginning of a commited relationship just for yourelf respect 😊
You missed a great chance to address an even more pressing issue, one that afflicts most people, way more than a boss feeling disrespected by his subordinates: a subordinate feeling disrespected by his/her boss, which is much, much more tricky, but also very common. And considering that most people are not bosses, but subordinates, this is quite an issue. Perhaps because Stephen is a boss, he subliminally avoided the issue. He started to bring it up and then, turned it around to make it about the boss feeling disrespected. Most bosses are not like Evy, they blame others for their mistakes, disregard other people’s opinions, etc., etc. And because they have more power, they often abuse it.
That’s a good point, I do think she did a good job of (indirectly) addressing this by suggesting to turn accountability to one’s self as a leader. And examining how we are showing up in that sense, especially when in a position of impacting how others are able to or feel comfortable showing up.
Women are far more likely to naturally possess that mindset- great leaders understand how to cultivate this skill - regardless of gender.
So although the direct language was not there and I agree that would have been a great topic to cover more in depth, I like that she at least points this out- and it seems like an idea that’s less familiar to him. Where he’s far more likely to analyze the how and why of what other people are doing.
As I know from my own experience, of my own behavior and with observing others - even the most curious and thoughtful minds (sometimes especially us!) have huge blind spots. And intellect does not equal personal development on deeper levels at times. She also mentions ego which- is another indirect mention, some humility and grace for others is far more important than requiring that others keep up their ‘score’ .. it’s all balance but, true wisdom is to know these things, and to still approach from a space of gratitude and humiliate for self and others. (In my opinion, of course!) :)
@Andie & @Kinteresting.... May I thoughtfully thank you for the contribution and that's allowed me to listen to you both. Brilliant insights. ....
When I think on these topics, I always engage with my innerman that says; Respect the Job Description given by the Boss.... & To the Boss, Respect your own worded article articulating the Job description being put into action by the Subordinate.
Then, there'll be ethics vs emotions... Ofcourse I'm not employed nor am I a boss, but I always look at this topic around my worded comment.
Please enlighten me further, I read to learn. Thank you
A healthy, dynamic between a boss and subordinate based on respect benefits everyone.
❤❤❤ true
Same applies
This woman is brilliant!
Funny thing is I came here to listen to Evy and hear more from Steven 😅
She's an impressive woman. Not passive, but also not unnecessarily assertive or domineering.
Great balance of feeling and rationality.
Love that one of her answers was look at self! Accountability Instead of me me me and me and what can you do for me.
I believe also with having something important to say is learning to encourage others, bring out the best in people, lift people up with that commanding tone!
Look at how someone like Tony Robbins does. He has a commanding voice and he's been a #1 motivational speaker forever. Look at great motivators and how they speak.
When you learn to bring out the best in people they will respect you, PERIOD!
Social sparring! In a boxing Teddy Atlas voice but my analogy: you don't have to jump out of the ring and run away. You don't have to knock them out with one punch of bad intentions in the first round either. Just pop out a light jab.... Maybe it pops their head back.... But you got their attention!!!!! Don't be afraid of their counter punch. Most of the time there isn't one!
To me those light jabs are as she explained, tone of voice , eye contact , body language, handling it right there right away.... Very helpful
This is cool to hear! Ive always been that quiet guy and ive noticed since a while back that when i speak, people listen because i only talk when i have something of value to share.
Before noticing this pattern though, Ive always just thought it was a bad thing to not "small talk" or say something just because. Guess im awesome
I find people who are within a negative cycle most often find a way to turn any opening to do or say good, into something bad or negative. And when you address this dynamic, they take zero responsibility and dismiss it. A way to address this is a question like “how did what you just said, serve you and our goals?”
You can give them opening after opening to contribute: they lack the quality of self reflection and the quality to fully putting themselves into the others perspective and perception. If it’s really bad, they simply energise on bad vibes.
To turn this into your own accountability ask yourself what happened that I allowed a toxic person in my life? Decide based on which boundaries you wish to move forward. And finally and most importantly, if this person triggers you, find a way to disarm that trigger. Especially if the other person is someone you deeply love.
I have noticed if i eat meat and fat for breakfast - eggs. Get good sleep, exercise, then i dont even think in this manner.
Its when im sleeping 5 hours a night, drinking coffee and being in a rush i get into a "frenzy, nervous mode" then that shows up in communication.
The former i have to tone it back even, im too comfortable and might say a cuss word to say something out of pocket because again my body is pysiologically stable vs the latter which is the antithesis of that.
The key is the perceived value and how you project it.
During initial interactions, the primary objective is to evaluate the value of the other person, a process that typically demands time and knowledge about that person.
Without sufficient knowledge, and aiming for maximum value with minimal effort, we often rely on the confidence of the other person to make our judgments. Confidence is crucial, but over time, your true value will inevitably become apparent.
Her hand gestures are impeccable! I’m de watching all her material. So much to learn from what her hands are doing ❤. Xxc
What an exceptional talent. He's close to being one the best hosts on the the internet. Very estute and very thorough,in his line of questioning. I watched this channel 🪴. Congratulations on all of your success and guests should line up. Jordann Peterson I would love to see you two go at it.
Second to Chris Williamson.
Ground breaking stuff people tend to listen more to people who know what they are talking about about..you two serve a peace prize
So important she says to first address what we / I may have done to manifested action against me. Our universe is a cause and effect / duality system. Taking responsibility within first and foremost is where we will see the greatest change.
For me slowing down and pausing to respond or “do” has helped see the bigger picture in the now moment.
My whole career I got pushed to talk when I should have stayed quiet. This is golden advice that everyone needs to hear. Stop giving the attention to the squeaky wheel and given attention where value is added.
There's tremendous value in waiting until you have something of undeniable value to contribute. Otherwise a person can fall in the trap of trying to be heard, which is a losing game. WANTING to be heard is more powerful.
How do you know if it’s of undeniable value ?
@@waxk9 Great question. The way you know is by listening to what the outcomes the key stakeholders in the room care about and are looking for. This may take some time and there isn't a hack for this. You have to listen carefully to what's happening in these meetings and ask them to right questions to really find out. Once you feed it back and they confirm, then you add comments with undeniable value around that. its undeniable value because you have already confirmed its exactly what they care most about. Most people get this wrong and talk fast before they speak from an informed space.
@@brianstone4459 many thanks. this is helpful
Love this - thank you. the tone of i'm evy..." vs. "I'm Evy." - such a difference
Depends who you are dealing with. There are people who speak quietly and articulate that I’d rather listen to than someone over projecting at me. That’s for sure. But think that is a difference in intellect.
I love great use of language & concission; repetition drives me up the walls.
Thank you so much for having Evy on your show! She’s awesome!!! As is your channel. Thank you🙏🏼💖
One of the best guests yet!
Around 6:55 about Boundaries is so true and even for classroom teachers. Clearly explained with great examples.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to move on, I really loved her so much i can’t stop thinking about her and the memories we shared. I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail. I’m frustrated, and i don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts, but i can’t. I don’t know why I’m saying this here, but i really miss her and i wish i could get her back.
I have been in such a situation. My relationship ended about three years ago, but i could not let her go. So i had to do all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual adviser who helped me bring her back. We are back together, and i must say i am enjoying every moment.
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach one?
Her name is Maurice Gleti, and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
Spam bots
True.... make sure you have something beneficial to say at the table...don't just waffle on because you feel you have to say something! Lots of people like that at work and it just wastes everyone's time
if you dont waffle at times people will think you are not compatible with the team or company lol so also be carefull of being too silent
Love the idea of the “contribution score”
I have a strong presence and I present myself strong but with humbleness. It lets them know I respect myself and I don’t tolerate child like behavior after raising 3 strong young adults. My daughter says mom these kids you can’t say nothing to them. I speak to them strong but with love and they listen
Paradoxically, clear communication is actually very difficult, and I think we all, by default, believe it's incredibly easy.
I always remember my first day with what would become my favourite high school teacher. That day he was an overly strict, authoritarian monster who demanded complete attention. He was never that way again, but he wanted to show everyone what he was capable of and why things were a lot better when you did the right thing.
So important in the work place at any level.
She is a great listener. Wish i was like that. I butt in on people's conversations all the time.
Me too 😁
Every bloody time I vulnerably assert or speak up for myself I am met w aggression + gaslighting so naturally it makes gun shy about speaking again. I do not feel safe sharing bc most ppl choose to get defensive + turn the tables on you.
same...i now try to never be around people, i go months never interacting or even seeing a human..i love it!
When you put your foot down and stand up for yourself and suddenly the whole conversation is over because suddenly it's "hostile" 🙄😮💨
@@Tsuki7786 So true.Had this happen at work.Finding my role hard,so spoke up for my self.My boss jumped down my throat,could see i was having a hard time,but just made feel worthless,for almost having an opinion.Jumped on me verbally with quick questions,ie ,if i move you to another role,then everybody else will want to moove etc,then i clamed up ,so the person got closer to my face,im speaking to you,im speaking to you ,did not have time to think of a answer ,so felt intimidated,and a little useless.
You can say all of this but it really comes down to respect, you give you get or you cut those off that don’t get that, people, friends, family customers, simplify your perspective.
You will be empowering yourself.
Without my glasses, this is Lady Gaga schooling British Will Smith.
😂😂😂😂 facts!
This is what my mentor and my good friend (who works for some kind of intelligence) would say over again and again about "Speak Less", which meant "Speak only that which is necessary without any drivels"
Bullshit.. You said it all, “when an important guy came from the U.K.” Everyone listened because of their position. The other guy may not speak well in front of groups or a group where he is repeatedly a scapegoat and joke for eye rolls. Gaslighting in corporate america always a good time.
She is brilliant. Thank you.
She has great body language, eye contact, tone of voice, and presence. Although much of what she says is too subjective and is not representative of other work places. It all sounds good, but in reality, there are too many other variables that deviate from what she is saying.
Yeah who knows what her job credentials are but ive never gotten anything useful from her.
Absolutely true about contribution track record. I sit in a lot of engineering meetings and this is how it works: for a real life problem, there is hardly a fix that jumps off the page. There might be multiple solutions proposed, all open to valid criticism and interpretation, and not much between them on quick glance.
If you have a low contribution record, people will have a tendency to interpret against you. You are now in trouble, as you have to fend off twice the amount of 'concerns' from team members. You will avoid that by 1) speaking only when you have something sensible to say, and 2) formulate your thoughts clearly and unambiguously. It's not so much about peer recognition, as it is about your ability to sell your ideas with ease (your job may very well depend on it).
same the meetings always are so boring it drains my energy more than working 6 7 hours back to back
C'mon man, everybody deserves to be listened to. Its disrespectful if someone is trying to say something and ya'll dismiss it. They could have a disability aswell which is downright disrespectful
Number one rule: No One Cares. And no one deserves anything or is entitled to anything. Earn your shower. Stop dropping the soap
gdeetman1590 👍
Wrong. That what’s wrong with the world today. Before social media, the people who no one listens to weren’t able to put their nonsense in play. Be disciplined. You’re owed nothing. Earn or be quiet.
@@gdeetman1590stop dropping the soap 😂
That's a cream puff comment
No one cares. And that's why were in a society full of 🐈.
Learning to breath correctly is critical. Diaphragmatic breathing is necessary for projection and relaxation. I used to street preach some 40 years ago and it still serves me well at work. Deliver the truth w/ no apologies.
Don’t over explain to people who are dedicated to misunderstanding you
This is a great explanation. You have to set boundaries. If you don’t, you will be walked over. The tone setting is a big thing for me. I had to learn that. I work in retail. I had to learn to project my tone in a way that is business mode.
Such brilliant advice!
Yes when people do not say anything or speak up it is worse since the problem compounds into a bigger issue. The hard part is when others do not recognize this.
My bias from thousands of meetings is that the person talking loudly and confidently is generally insecure and covering that insecurity and lack of knowledge up using fake confidence
❤❤❤ Also remember that some of us have had throat surgeries and other seasonal allergies that hurt the vocal chords when needing to raise the voice.
I agree 💯 percent about the strength or weakness in the voice. I have vocal chords problems and so when I they are fully functional I do speak up. It's so draining when ppl think your a push over cuz we are quiet.
So yeah be where your at.
Cheers for the video Evy.