How do you repel a Narcissist? | (without repelling everyone)
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- Опубліковано 2 тра 2024
- This video answers the question: How do you repel a narcissist without repelling everyone? In this video I’ll be focusing more on how to repel a grandiose narcissist as opposed to vulnerable. This can be a difficult task in the context of romantic relationships with narcissists, because narcissists are particularly effective at appearing attractive in early stages of romantic relationships (e.g. they have superficial charm).
Narcissism:
There are two types of narcissism: With grandiose narcissism we see characteristics like being extroverted, socially bold, self-confident, having a superficial charm, being resistant to criticism, and being callous and unemotional. Vulnerable narcissism is characterized by shame, anger, aggression, hypersensitivity, a tendency to be introverted, defensive, avoidant, anxious, depressed, socially awkward, and shy.
"The Narcissist puts more value on being admired than being cared for." That was my biggest transgression in my marriage. I failed to worship and obey 24/7. Instead I chose to care. Thanks for that eye-opening comment Doc.
Christine S its sad really need for admiration comes from recieving lack of care from parents. And then you stop caring for yourself. I think that may be the root to why admiration is so important to the narc. They were not cared for properly and did not learn self love in a healthy way as well as positive self talk.
Therefore they can not feel love for others they can not feel it for themselves the only appreciation they get id through admiration for others.
They felt unwanted and now they make others feel that way.
You are a nuturing person. Unfortunately, there's no appreciation.
@@mylittlekittens *nurturing
The thing is that real caring for someone while they are growing includes challenging harmful, hurtful behaviours and establishing healthy boundaries.
In my case he liked that I was nurturing and kind. I admired him often but also criticized at times. He was ok with that because I was über-respectful doing it, I guess. But once he realized I'd stop doing what he wanted no matter his tantrums, that went south...veeeery badly.
Don't feel bad. I'm 45 years old, and within last 6 months realized I'm codependent from abusive upbringing. I've been/continuing healing.
I got ghosted by a grandiose narcissist and now I see why. I thought i did all the WRONG things and turns out I did all the RIGHT things and repelled this guy! You put a lot into perspective for me here
With one word: “No”. Once you have confidence and stand up for yourself they’ll leave you alone. They are almost always there to gain. Starve them of supply. Poof ! Like magic. Starve their ego.
@The True World lol xD
@The True World Amen! :)
Right on the trolley👍
The True World That’s what I did. She came back to Hoover. I just repeated myself. Over and out!!
@The True World Very good advice, i will try that. Will that help against vulnerable?
I think what also really works is to move really slowly in the relationship. Really objectively observe whether you see any red flags and see if you can stay out of people pleasing-mode with them. When you don’t give them more than they give you, they lose interest really fast.
1.) not interested in a short term relationship
2.) compliment somebody else who is not there (and has similar attributes)
3.) failing to compliment
I feel like the vulnerable narcissist did all three to me ...during the "devalue" phase.
interesting strategies. another great video Dr. Grande. thank you.
I was thinking about the same, because I believe it's happening to me right now. I'm in a vulnerable position, both emotionally and in therms of work and finances while having a relationship with this woman who keeps on showing off her apparent success right on my face while I'm languishing in a bad spot I cannot extricate myself from.
Edit: she text me from abroad, as she's a flight attendant, if my replies are not effusive and adorned with adolescent type content she starts pumping me with "I know something's happening to you, but I want you to know that I love you..." kind of stuff. The same rant I grew up with in a sick to the bone narcissistic family. I have to make an effort to NOT feel bad and realize that I'm being manipulated by people who feed off others, particularly empaths, in order to feel good about themselves.
Chap..... I hope you are ablation to get Sean from her
Number two is in my opinion triangulation, a tactic which they seem to use a lot.
Great strategies. Ignore, keep your pants on! (don't be tempted) and run in the other direction.
Booh hooo Narcissist here.
...WHAT???.....keep your pants on....and run with just pants on??...can we wear shoes?...HUGE clown boots maybe?...whilst riding around on a unicycle!!
I know some narcs who might just be repelled by this strategy...i'll do anything to repel them.
SLEEPING WITH KIPPERS IN MY BED...might just do the trick.
Lol keep your pants on 🤣
You are so smart. I got tricked by a narcissist when I was younger and married him. If I only found you when I was younger I wouldn't have gone through hell. Great videos, keep up the good work.
klb374money how long were you married ? What was his worst trait ?
@@tuleybee2425 I could only stand to be married to him for 3 years. I say I got tricked because he was so nice to me before we were married. Once that ring was on my finger , he thought he owned me. He had just about every trait that Dr.Grande mentioned in the video. After we married. But I wasn't that stupid to stay after he beat me.. oh he'd beat me for hanging the toilet paper wrong, or because I didn't offer him a drink while he mowed the yard. My red flag should have been how insistent he was to get married. Now that I'm older, I forgive myself.
klb374money yeah kicked him to the curb . I’ve chosen to be single 3 years so I don’t attract the same . Really working on breaking they pattern ..
He's definitely one of the best teachers/counselors who talks about this. The way he breaks everything down is incredibly helpful, and that's why i usually listen to his videos in full, when most others on narcissism halfway through or before it just kind of trails off or you yourself do.
@@klb374money Thank goodness you left with your sanity and good health, I hope....these people run people down into the ground and poor health.
Lol 😂You are too funny Dr. Grande! My ex narc bought a Ford Mustang and was trying to show off and said to me “everyone calls my car a pussywagon” 🙄 I replied with “oh, because only girls drive mustangs” 😋 the look on his face was everything.
HILARIOUS 🤣🤣🤣!!!!?
Savage
When I was young mustangs were called cheerleader cars.
@@invisableobserver 🤣🤣🤣 that’s awesome
Gooooood one!!!!
Best way to repel a toxic person: turn around and walk the other way
Jetty Girl great advice for the garden variety of toxic people but I think that feeds the narcissist 🥴. I can imagine them gleefully anticipating the next time 😡😁
How about ..DANCING...like, inviting some fellow empaths over and playing Michael Flatly RIVERDANCE on your phone...and all dance, film it and especially film the narc's face on seeing it.
....now THAT i would love to see on the auld you tube.
Lmao what do you do if it's your own sister but you feel bad because she falls victim of herself?
Turn around and run as fast as you can
wont it look like we are scared of them and encouraging them to hurt more people?
Acting underwhelmed works every time :)
@@loulou5331 I show them that I am totally bored by them
Lou Lou yep, it's the same conversation on a loop and so self involved are they , they don't even see the , I've lost the will to live, expression on their audience faces.
Yep, my father brags about having 136 IQ, but I'm pretty sure it's nowhere near that high - even so - I was so underwhelmed when he said that I acted as if I barely heard him. Problem is, if he doesn't think you're hanging into every word dripping from his mouth, he'll talk louder and faster, repeat stories, etc., in an effort to get his undivided "supply".
I ignore him on purpose sometimes just because I just can't give a shit about everything he says...then, when he catches on, he'll get mad lol.
Cook a meal for him C.Kyung...i've never seen narcs shut up quicker than the moment you feed them.
I also find..fake snoring helps...with a little bit of drifting left or right in your armchair.
Obviously if you feed them, then drift off....you can laugh internally when they leave the room and start bashing pots, pans and cupboards...the older deaf ones start swearing out loud when they haven't got their hearing aids in.
This so enraged my narc neighbor that he is stalking and physically harming me. Cops won't do anything unless I have iron clad evidence.
I am an artist who was abused by a narcissist. Thank you for explaining this. Us artists have immense amounts of passion inside. Thank you for exposing this in a way that I am incapable of.
I dated a narcissist for two months before I realized he was one and got the hell away from him.
One thing that repelled him is when I didn’t want to do what he wanted me to do. When he screamed and made me uncomfortable I would want to leave and he would freak out. A normal person would let you do what you want, respect your boundaries and try to accommodate you. A Narc will do any manipulation necessary to make you comply with them, including threatening suicide. If someone ever threatens suicide to control you they are abusive
Bottom line is if you respect yourself and keep yourself comfortable a narc can’t control you
Brice, that is an excellent bottom line to live by, very well summarized.
They rely on you thinking you can't live without them.
When they know you have no qualms about walking away they have nothing to hold above your head.
Yes i concur. Their bloody nosey as well. If you stay secretive, gray rock, they can't suss you or your personality out to destroy you sooner or later. 👍
Your true friends won't be repelled and may even be relieved you finally got serious about boundaries. Thanks for the videos Dr.
I lived with my partner for 3 years. I found out his charm was just superficial . I lost so much of myself and found I couldn’t have an emotional relationship with this person . I kept thinking it was me as he kept making out it was me . I ended up paying him 10,000$ to move out of my house just to get him out . Don’t be fooled by the charm and buying you dinners ect .. it’s just a ploy to suck you in then control you and push all your friends away . I’ve been single for 3 years now as I’m trying to work on myself so I don’t attract the same type again . Lack of respect , communication and no depth of character . Very superficial charm .
Sounds familiar. My worst fear is that I'll meet someone like that again...I will work on myself hard to prevent that...
Well done on staying so motivated to work on yourself for 3 whole years! I'm not finished my first year of work on myself yet and I've had moments where I was tempted by narcs. I can see how strong you are in 3 years. Well done you! 💪
You go girl! God will replace him with the right guy.
You paid him??!! Couldn't you just lock him out and throw his stuff out when he wasn't there?
Best way to covertly get rid of these parasites is to Nick pick them, disagree, be a bore, be boring at every chance! Boredom is their weak spot. They hate it!
They like bickering. I grew up with that!
Parasites 🤣
@@mylittlekittens absolutely true. Took me just way too long to see the obvious. Ugh! It's never about the subject matter. The whole point is to maintain discord. Color you bad even when it - either makes zero succinct sense, is full of holes and contradicts itself, has no basis in the factual realm, is an askew, perceived slight, or rushing you and staying up your ass so you can't get ready. Nothing matters here. Because - where there is absolutely no slight- it all rolls out the same way. I teeter between thinking they need the discord for themselves (either to feed on it or because they can't stand to see you happy) OR the point is the slow death of the real you as because just being around them you waste and waste your life time running round and round in tight little, made up circles that all conclude = nothing. Yet WILL be repeated endlessly. Spats often 'end' with their insincere apologies "I was wrong, ok? Gah, give me a break.' again again again so stupid.
These days I just say, 'Ohhh, one of your moods again. Do you need to lay down? Because you're (gaslighting) so scattered, can't complete thoughts or focus, you keep saying we threw away a blue tub ..but it was pink. Want me to call the Dr in the morning?"
Slight concern. Very casual. And make myself scarce.
Oh how he used to frustrate me to no end until I raged. But .. I saw the contradictory 'smiling, pleased' look in the eyes of the sweating, red faced, slobbering, galoot, who YES Dr is SO right that it's ridic obvious. And the 'tactic' switching. (Gonna try to make you think you're my girlfriend for two weeks, then I'll speak circles without answering your question, then I'll listen to you intently and keep answering as though I think you're saying something else, THEN I'll have story after story of daily incidents In which people glorified me, told me I'm so good that it's rare, how I saved the day.. AGAIN, how I invented this and that but bastardly big business stole my idea, I'll dose your food /drink w downers- have my way w you, then be concerned or scared because you're 'delusional' and can't make it without me, THEN berate you for sleeping too much and being foggy at work cuz you're the most irresponsible person, all the while adding something to your shampoo, cond, lotions , soaps.. that causes immediate thick dryness, absolute straw feel to hair, and when I have you passed out I'll leave some inside you. Yes. I am ridiculously aging you, frazzling your look, and drying you from inside to out. You will always have upset tummy very smelly when I feed you, and when you refrain from ingesting unsure things... And triple double quadruple lock your door at night / when you leave... Oh. I'll still get in. Cept it's poison now. You'll be too fkn tired to leave. Mmhmm. You are unappreciative and can't make it without me. Oh. For your long driving trips I coat the windshield inside and out w a thin layer of baby oil. Your smoke sticks to the inside. And dirt on outside. You can't see that well by the time night falls. Yeah. And you don't look as nice as you used to. Hems are coming out, well placed little stains and holes, rips, tears, cuts. You're just falling apart. You are constantly 'misplacing' and 'breaking' devices, cords, things you need for work. (hehehehehe) your always complaining... Your crackers and chips (WILL) always be stale. Your treasured items askew, off center and grubby. Doorknobs loose. Cabinet doors hang kinda off. All while you oddly 'broke' your car so I sold it. I've prepped new bosses and friends/family so they're wary of you. The mailman isn't friendly to you anymore. You just don't realize how you ARE. You're lucky I'm still here 'caring' for you, you're just plain mean and treat me like sh*t. You ignore me so rudely! (when simply using the bathroom, or reading, napping, driving, busy in general... Yeah... Seen as a personal ignore of me)you used to cheerily garden, play guitar, do art.. but you know how much I like it so you don't do those things anymore. Your phone 'connected' to mine and I was FORCED to read (every message as far back as they went) how dare you hurt me with innocent, casual conversations that I take to mean you're screwing all those ppl (that your messages show you haven't spoken to in years) you're sneaky and you have a boyfriend!!! (??--jesus I wish! Cuz then I could escape this isolation roommate situation of death, and why the hell would a roommate fkn CARE ??) Ohhhh yeah.. that's right. Gaslight #1 was stupidly thinking I could be brainwashed into thinking we are an item. (I switched to my own voice at the end)
Sorry. Had to get that out. When you're isolated.. new potential friends find this a bit much coming from a "paranoid, delusional, jumpy, hypervigilant "Crazy drug addict bitch, user, mean mean person."
You bet!! Hi Andie💖....I’m an avid watcher of your channel
Sounds like a narcissist is an insect!
Great information and advice as usual. Many of the narcissists I've known would get very angry with these tactics, so people should beware. I've also found that being very indifferent, almost bored, when they begin their boasting is very effective.
I remember falling for it all the time. I would listen to music and say how much I loved the singer's voice in presence of the narcissist. The day after ( yes he was that calculated and that insecure) at a random moment like while cuddling he would complain about not loving his voice and I would reassure him and compliment him without connecting the dots. At one point I realized that if I didn't reassure him he would withdraw physically, become distant and cold.
Right!!!
“That’s cute that you would think so” absolutely killed me. XD
Omgoodness, me too - that was freakin' hilarious! 🤣😂🤣😂
The problem is people who enter these relationships don't know the person is a narcissist, much less know what one is.
That's why they should spent their little time studying about this personality disorder.
That would be me.
@@b_b_b5146 they didnt always have you tube and often people dont even look into studying something unless their is a diagnosis of a child friend loved one most are undiagnosed.
I entered my most recent one after I got my MSW and was a therapist for years.....
Combine the character trait of being able to see the good in everyone, empathy, and being too close to the situation to see it from a detached viewpoint......
Thankfully I've gotten better at spotting them in my personal life since then.
It also depends on your childhood trauma and conditioning and whether or not you have explored that as the subconscious catalyst for attracting them!!
Re: Rivalry - When I was in college, I applied to and was accepted at an Ivy League University. My then boyfriend said that if I accepted, he would break off with me because he didn’t want a girlfriend who went to a better school than he did. Although I didn’t know about narcissistic personality disorder at the time, I knew that something was wrong with him. He was extremely jealous and angry, rather than being happy and supportive. Of course, I went to the prestigious (and fortunately, out of town) college.
Thank you, Dr. Grande.
Doc, you could be very effective using your powers for evil but here you are trying to help us people on the internet. Thank you for your service
Over 91,000 subs woohoo. Meanwhile, Narcs can't get a date, because we've all been educated by Dr. Grande.
😂
Haha. If only!
Then they'd date each other. Suckers...
@@k.ambriz9789 hahahaha
Best comment today!!
I think valuing your own sense of self worth and having and enforcing healthy boundaries would repel any narcissist because they’re interested in people they can manipulate and control.
True!
Yeah they want you to think something is wrong with you and you're lucky they're giving you the time of day 🤡 BYEEE 😂
My mother switched between grandiose when her friends were around and vulnerable when she was home alone with me and or my father. She could be yelling and belittling me all day and then SWITCH when someone knocked at the door and suddenly be gracious and charming. I wish I knew what this was back then.
You’re helping a lot of people with this
Very useful, these subtle strategies just help you to pick up on narcissistic tendencies, without investing too much energy. I’d like to highlight how difficult it is sometimes to spot a vulnerable/covert type. My experience was of someone very much between the grandiose and the vulnerable, so some showing off balanced with (fake) empathy and apparent agreeableness. Because the two seem to cancel each other out, I was led to believe that this person was relatively normal, and this coupled with the love bombing seduction and mirroring = a pretty attractive package. It was several years before I started to see the full picture, a very narcissistic individual that with time displayed the classic triple E (empathy impairment, exploitation and entitlement). Look out folks, they are everywhere and they are improving their tactics. Thank you Dr Grande
Excellent question.
My strategy, now, is to let them know, indirectly, ASAP, that I understand their game; that I know exactly what they're doing and I don't intend to put up with it. After that, I don't interact with them. So far, it has worked well, but I have more thinking and strategizing and practicing to do. Defending yourself against these people is like a psychological martial art: it takes plenty of practice before you develop anything like expertise. (I assume trolls are narcissists, and I'm still learning about them.)
That strategy can enrage them if you are that direct with them and then lookout all hell will break lose on you. Never tell any narcissist you know what they are doing. I had one actually slam my head into a wall when I told him I was onto him. They are dangerous.
@@user-wm4je4ct8y I'll be careful.
John Paul, 'psychological martial art' is a good description. V is correct. they will fly into a rage if they're confronted directly. Your strategy of indirect contact is the best. Know yourself, honor your boundaries, stay vigilant.
@@marcirobins5144
You, too. Good advice. Being very aware of them and how they operate is an important advantage. Take care. Thanks.
John Paul learn about “gray rock.” Takes no effort on your part and doesn’t put you at any risk. It is the most highly effective strategy possible.
Is it just me or are people in general more self involved. I'm sick of listeng to one sided conversations of people talking about them selves. Social media has only added to this self love/ promotion. It's just plain boring.
I find "fake snoring" helps...well, kinda pisses them off...so, i disco-dance my way away from them whilst playing "STAYIN ALIVE" by the Bee Gees on my phone.
They think i'm mad...and i make my point with the title of the song.
liz carr I see the same thing - I have become much more attuned to a conversation style and prefer those that flow back-and-forth with ease. I think a lot of people are conversationally starved and when they getAround people who are good listeners they take advantage of it and unless we set good boundaries we could get sucked in and be drained.
Agree. It started before the internet, when we were encouraged to "big ourselves up" at job interviews. I always found this excrutating. Now with sm, everyone does it all the time. Awful. I loathe fb for that reason
The difference between communicating and taking turns talking.
Aren't you kinda doing that right now?
I worked for a female narc who seemed to *only* be interested in people who were already in a relationship.
Great topic and strategies, Dr.Grande! Narcissists will steer clear of anyone who doesn’t subscribe to their ego trip or give them supply.
Healthy self-esteem, strong boundaries, and a heaping dose of skepticism can be helpful, as well. The Narcissist’s con job only works when we take them seriously.
Yes, don't give their ego anything and that will be the end.
Unfortunately I didn’t even know what a narcissist was until the end of 12 years of marriage & 3 children later. Will definitely try to repel a narcissist in the future with your tips. Thank you
Indifference and dismissal - great strategies and thank you for that.
I think it's part of my healing process actually listening to your UA-cam channel. The reason why I say that is because after dealing with a narcissist since 2016, I realize that the only reason why he had me around is because nobody else would have bothered to talk to him while he was in prison. At the time I did admire him when he asked me why I stuck around. But you see he didn't ask me that till the very end. I wasn't actually good enough for him to go anywhere past his jail time. Perhaps I was a fool to believe him when he said he was innocent but I had known him a long time. I realize now he was just using me and really didn't care what happened to me after he got out of prison. Everything you have talked about is exactly what I've been going through it is as if there was a playbook to my life, and you got a copy of it to examine this special type of narcissist. I wasn't unaware that he was a narcissist though and I even told him back in 2016, that he definitely was indeed a narcissist. Perhaps he knew this too and just blew me off. Whatever he had with me was strange. I used to think that he was weird never to have definitions of what our relationship actually was. He didn't define me as his girlfriend and one day he had even claimed I was not wife material even though I've been married before and he has not. Perhaps I should have slapped him that day and have been done with it. It's a little harder when you have a history with someone especially if you've known them since the 90s. You would hope because of the history, that they would at least respect you. But sometimes you got to see through the lies in the unsaid words. You need to be awake to the harsh realities that some men treat sex like a handshake. And once they're done with you and they have no more use of you and you aren't valuable enough to them they will move on to the next like a male w****.
I actually think I was pretty lucky. He's in complete denial that he has done anything wrong and that he was locked up for years but he's still innocent. Because of his latest and greatest breakup right after he got out of jail excuse me prison, I was no longer needed and discarded. This tells me volumes about a person that even though I believed them when they claim their innocence that they were actually guilty of all the crimes they committed plus some. But playing with my heart, when I'm trying to be nice to you despite the odds and taking up my time while you were serving time was cruel. I did not convict you of the crime you committed nor was I ever dishonest with you. All I did was believe in you but you were a piece of garbage. Okay my apologies I'm hashing it out on your page. Great job! This is actually something where I'm actually now laughing at the perpetrator for being the biggest idiot on the planet.thank you.
Best you are now away from the likes of him.
He sounds like rubbish.
The best way to repel a narcissist is to refrain from meeting any emotional need, they express.
Stay away from meeting the needs of someone you just met.
Not until, you've tested them.
Find out if these are caring people, that have the ability to empathize with others.
👏 ☝️ agree!!
Agree.
Excellent advice
sadly if you are codependent,you seek validation with new people by caring them to show your worth...and mostly attract narcissists.
Thank you Dr.Grande, I feel I can now stop feeling guilty, for using narc repellent on any potential romantic interests. Nobody wants to end up in any long term relationship with them. Unfortunately we can totally avoid them in our daily lives.
By being very boring to them: no reactions and not much interactions or responses or engaging. It's called: grayrock approach. Haven't seen the video yet but I just wanted to jump in on the question :)
I did that naturally to my last narcissist. He got bored. That's fine with me.
I dated more than one narcissist and didn't realize why it didn't work until recently. For some reason I was always attracted to narcissists, but broke the cycle finally and I am now with a very balanced man. Thanks for all these eye opening videos! It really helps. :)
🎉🎉❤❤❤
Getting some one healthy is possible too.
Your videos are heaven sent Dr. Grande. I tried walking away, pushing him away SO many times and he would keep coming back, finding a way to infiltrate my life. The restraining order was my last resort.
Pre-watching: strong boundaries!
Yes, they really hate boundaries.
I think one of the reasons that my relationship with the love of my life lasted so long (until her passing), was that we both felt that we were so lucky to have the other. In a sense, I guess you could say we were both the antithesis of grandiose narcissism!
As far as repelling this type pf personality, one could always mention casually on the first date that one's favorite song is "You're so Vain" by Carly Simon!
In regards to mate poaching, I would add that I never had as many women approach me as when I wore a wedding band!
Adventures with Dogs great song that! And very symbolic.
Same with me....I had a VERY healthy marriage until he passed away Christmas Eve 2017....first real relationship was the narc......I was used to NORMAL and not familiar with the narc...what a nightmare.....
You know what you are talking about, I so admire you. If someone knows a true narcissist, every video about this topic, hits right on the spot.
I'm subscribed to quite a few channels with notifications but yours are always the first I go to. Always fair, always interesting! Thanks!
- Act as if everything is normal. Very average. Act slightly frivolous. Swallow that pride. Do not let then narc expand the drama and emotionally manipulate. A narc boss signalled to me that her neglecting and ghosting was not understood by me. My reaction was that it had been nice and quiet on the job. It had a meditative quality to it. At the same time it became clear that she was targetting me. This is how brazenly stupid they are: "Don't you understand my toxicity and sabotage?" I've tricked several into "confessing". Be a goofy Socrates. Huh?
- Speak in tongues. That is: let it appear that the narc is not in on stuff. Less is more. Don't be toxic. Let them feel that they should obviously know what you know. And for this reason you don't speak clearly or at all. Misdirected affirmative. Don't give them anything to hang on to. Don't make up stuff. It's a very measured form of gaslighting. And they are not "part of the club".
Gaslighting people? Why bother?
Wow, I have tried to employ some of the bad strategies that you mentioned like trying to appear to have a partner already or acting narcissistic/cruel myself (sadly, this isn't difficult to do as I grew up around people with narcissistic traits and while not a narcissist myself, some of their abuse has rubbed off on me)... Anyway, when they think you already have a partner, this just encourages them to try harder. It just backfires. Same thing, if you say something nasty or text message nasty things to them to try to one up them in their cruelty, they will just use it to turn people against you. Those are the types of games they play. Again, it's backfires. You can't really warn anybody about them because they are charming, and you'll just look like you're bitter or jealous or something... Well, I advise everyone to do what they like and live within the boundaries that they are happy in. I personally have a big mouth and speak my peace of mind. I am willing to accept the consequences of that. People will see for themselves that I was correct about the narcissist when they get f***** over themselves
As a teacher of adults in the past, I created problems for myself when I over-compliment someone in an attempt to encourage them. Why did I do this!!! I want everyone to discover their inner talents, but when the student is a narcissist, that student can become a problem both in and out of class. It is interesting... we can give people what we consider compassionate attention, and then that person becomes a monster..... isn't that how some children become narcissists, too?
Great video, gave me some input. I got a very good tip some years ago that I follow now. If a new person enters my life I look at what they say and what they do, at least for 3 month. If their words do not add up to their actions I will find out. Also if you keep watching people over a longer period of time they cannot "hide" as easy as they can for, let`s say 2 days.
Short time sexual relations are not my thing and hadn`t happened since my very early twenties, I think that helps a lot also.
This!!
Can you please cover how to repel the vulnerable and covert narcissists?
The last interaction I had with a narc was they were FURIOUS that a mutual aquaintance "Stole their thunder" cos their parent died, and the narc wanted to announce/show pics of a VERY VERY VERY expensive material purchase they made. The same narc was affected for DAYS by two people saying they weren't loving the new expensive item of clothing.
My sister is a vulnerable narcissist. Please continue to add content on this disorder. I learn a lot from you!
10:45 - 2 dimensions of grandiose narcissists. Admiration and Rivalry. I always learn something from you. I had a friend for many years who was a narcissist and I would say rivalry was his dimension though somewhat admiration sometimes like 85-15 ratio mostly rivalry. We were friends since early childhood until mid-30's so you can appreciate how hard it was to end this. I was his Best Man, Godfather to one of his children and so on. He married a grandiose narcissist (I would say) whom I didn't like but tolerated. Well, it made his narcissism worse and it got so bad I had to end it. I looked the other way with him I had gotten blind to it but became so glaring even Stevie Wonder would see it. These dimensions you explained helped clarify what I knew but couldn't put into words so exactly as you. Thank you, Dr. Grande.
When you were talking about bringing up a beautiful actress when a narcissist brings up their looks and them interjecting about their looks I instantly thought of my mom lol. She’s always seemed to see me as competition for looks. When I was 21 I was approached by two modeling agencies and instead of being excited like most moms, she told me it would be like American Idol and I’d get laughed off stage so she was trying to save me the embarrassment, so I didn’t go. Before she was mad I was skinnier than her, but I gained weight due to trauma (40-50 pounds in about 6 months) and she loves to mention it whenever possible. On my birthday I made the huge mistake of going bra shopping with her. The attendant at the store measured us and I had bigger boobs than her and she about threw a temper tantrum in the store and was rude to every employee after that and refused to buy the size they suggested and bought me her size since we couldn’t try them on cuz of Covid. When I got home and tried them on and all were too small she threw yet another temper tantrum because how dare I have bigger boobs than her!
She is a 2 year old
Dr Grande out here saving lives ❤
During the delicate process of getting away after a 35 year marriage with a covert narcissist I learned to turn the tables on him.He loved to hear me submissively thank him for every little crumb he threw my way.He controlled everything including money and possessions so I used this to get enough to survive before breaking off all communication.
I WOULD SAY ITS NEVER A GOOD IDEA TO ENTER A RELATIONSHIP WITH A GRANDIOSE OR ANY TYPE PF NARCISSIST..WHO THE HELL WANTS TO BE DESTROYED WILLINGLY IF THEY CAN REPEL THE TWIT FROM THE JUMP? IT'S NOT EVEN A CHOICE..IT'S LIFE OR DEATH. LOVE YOUR VIDEOS................
please try to not write in all caps, as this is painfull to the eyes to read.
@@selfworthy LOL. PLEASE TRY AND SPEND YOUR TIME ON SOMETHING OTHER THAN TYPING THESE STUPID RESPONSES. I DO NOT LIVE MY LIFE FOR YOU. IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ MY REPLIED THEN DON'T. IF YOUR EYES ARE IN PAIN FROM READING ALL CAPS WHICH NO ONE PAYS MUCH ATTENTION TO ANYWAY WHEN TYPING I WOULD THEN SUGGEST YOU CONTACT AN EYE DOCTOR BECAUSE THAT IS ABNORMAL.
@@AC-ew2xr wow. A touch of ODD, perhaps?
"it's cute that you would think that" 😂 I can feel the implosion 🤯
First(lol). Interesting question. Narcissists will be extremely active in closing in on people you care about, friends , family , coworkers with the absolute intention of turning them against you (or you against them). Often times they are successful to the point that you end up having to abandon others just to stay away from the narcissist. That's exactly what they want, but hell i came to the conclusion that anyone stupid enough to fall for a narcissist's bullshit isn't worth my time anyway. IGNORE them as best you can, but don't ignore everyone....... unless you notice that you have to, and in that case....... shit move out of town. Start over.
Both of my parents are/were malignant narcissists. and as a result of pushing everyone away because of them i developed Schizoid Personality Disorder. Which as you know means i just said fk everyone, and everything. no emotion, no care......... Don't push everyone out because of a narcissist. It WILL destroy you.
aaronsdavis the issue with that is the current narcissist may see that as a challenge - ie try to manipulate in order to make you not suspect that of them and see you as someone to fool. Dangerous territory.
The True World would you give an honest answer to the question “are you a narcissist?” Lol
ILLAngel101 my ex partner use to say your twin sister has just turned up and didn’t even call . I said she doesn’t have to call me first . It’s my house she can pop in whenever . He didn’t like me being close to friends or family . He and his needs always came first
The True World that statement sounds very ego based .
How to be savage 101
Assuming you can not leave or are stuck at work with them, then you must be impervious and indifferent. Those two qualities equal No Fun and No Attention/Adoration. Be a useless, fruitless target. That's the strategy. What tactics you use vary upon situation and manipulative tactics employed against you.
@@RN-gx7wt Yep, humor is excellent when rebuffing these folks. I suggest that folks honestly evaluate what pushes your buttons and have some responses or intentions prepared ahead of time. When they press those buttons, which is inevitable, if you are prepared, you can then respond minimally and effectively, instead of reacting.
This is probably easier with work situations, but I have discovered a little planning with intention provides protection and less aggravation.
The only thing we are in control of, is our responses, so I say make them count. Ideally, you deflect, step aside and watch as they move on to the next more excitable mark.
@@RN-gx7wt Oh my, I do hope you will be wrong this once and that your fears for the daughter do not come true. Perhaps, the exposure will lead to insight and resilience. Your sister sounds diabolical, so I understand your fear of the outcome.
Severe abuse often leads to children disassociating. For me it was a tremendous coping mechanism and did not turn into a pathological condition as an adult. Not for you either it seems. I went to a wonderful place, peopled with kind and wise beings. That place was as relevant to me as anything in this world. Yet, I always knew it wasn't real. When I stopped going there, I became a really awful kid.
Perhaps your mind has different sorts of tethers than other people. Looser/longer/flowing and ranging about with permeable borders.
As I think about your first response, and again, I don't follow everything you are conveying, it seems that you absorb emotions, facts, concepts, sensory stimuli, other's pain, etc. Then you internalize, reflect and at some point, project your internal experience within constructs that are peculiar to you. Language is powerful for sure, but it can not fully depict concepts, symbols, theories and dreams. Especially if all these are unfamiliar or ensconced in a foreign frame of reference to the rest of us.
I have great faith in all our minds. But, I suspect our perceptions are profoundly compromised.
Our poor brains are trapped in a dark box, with not especially highly developed sensory organs. No sonar or other handy senses, just limited visual, scent, touch and hearing as compared to other species. Somehow our brain makes some sort of sense of all this stimuli, while awash with hormones and a biochemical soup and finally, serves it up to our mind. This mind is sentient, fears being extinguished and is beset by instincts, emotions and thoughts.
This brain arrives with inate abilities and temperments. Finally, each mind endures a unique experience.
So, I think there are people who may very well have evolved slightly differently and have access to different capabilities or perceptual abilities or thought patterns. Even a small difference would be difficult for those folks or others to describe, define, recognize or relate. That small difference on a mind though? Could be as vast as a chasm!
Oh dear, hon, I am not an empath.
I feel for people, and I do sometimes try to mitigate their pain when I can, but I am too pragmatic and do not keep my own pain available to ever be considered an empath!
I work with an empath. I swear I can almost see her aura or a field or distortion swell and recede in response to others. I'm sure it is non verbal cues, but she absorbs and emanates on an emotional and visceral level.
Ok so .. I've rambled and have no idea if I have even addressed any point I intended! Forgive me if I lost the thread......
I finally took the strategy of what the heck is going on w/me that I’d attract a NPD? This way I empowered myself to stop being a victim & put that love into myself. Eventually, I attracted a conscious relationship 😅
I’m busy right now but will definitely come back to watch this video. Ty Dr. Grande
Just got out of 3 years with a vulnerable narcissist. I'm naturally empathetic and a "fixer" so I was always engaged in the relationship, walking on eggshells, doing "acts of service" type stuff, planning everything, making sure we always had fun. I'm very affectionate but it takes some digging to get me to discuss real issues and emotions. Of course she never tried to. After years of this, never getting more than maybe 3 compliments throughout the entire relationship, feeling worthless and my happiness drained, it's like waking up in a different world. I have trust issues now, I feel like I can't connect with people and it's much harder post-COVID to meet anyone who isn't completely jaded or a shut-in. I want to be happy again but its hard to tap into it. She's a miserable person who is distrustful but very insecure. She only measured our relationship based on what material I could provide for her or when the ring was coming, which is typical for a lot of women, but I was blindsided with how she fell out of love with me even as I was putting SO much effort into us. Because no matter what, if she's a narc, she will not change. I should have recognized all the love-bombing at the beginning. It was intense!
I was one of the people who asked this question. I wasn’t referring to romantic relationships though. I think I would be the one that’s repelled 😁.
I think I might be talking more about the malignant type, but the rivalry type might fit 🤔.
I agree, people who are narcissistic in a self promotion way, don’t bother me at all ( in small doses if it’s extreme or bizarre) it’s the nasty ( malignant) type that are difficult to deal with, and they are destructive regardless of the relationship context ( harassment, not recognising or acknowledging boundaries etc etc etc 🥴)
That was brilliant Dr Grande. Some interesting stuff and you made me laugh 😁. Thank you ☺️
Great tips and there are some other good ways to repel and detect any type of narcissist. One thing I noticed is how they are impatient. They don't care how they want whatever it is now and they will pester you for whatever they want. Say no and if they react in a negative or spiteful way avoid them. Also, they are always petty and spiteful. If you notice such behavior RUN! They love to gossip about others behind their backs but beware since they will talk about you to others the same way. Their impatience really gives them away usually. If they lack the ability to wait for something and want you to rush into doing something the only thing to rush towards is the door asap.
They enjoy talking bad about others including their so called friends. That's my first clue sometimes, they quickly say how they dislike someone.
@@user-wm4je4ct8y Agreed and one thing I have noticed is how they tend to complain a lot. I mean all the time almost! It can be draining to be around if you can't get away from them. It's like being around a grumpy child. There are a lot of signs thankfully. I just wish I educated myself on the signs years ago.
I slow fade , boundries and become very boring. I give them no attention and do not feed their ego. They quickly move on.
Dang! I've been looking for these tips & tactics for a long time. I believe these strategies can be literally a life saver. God how I wish it didn't take me so long to catch on to this.
Thanks a million.
My favorite line to use is "Sure Jan."
That awesomely sarcastic line from The Brady Bunch. It might sound mean but I absolutely love deflating somebody's big ego with that smart-ass little line.
Great Video Dr. Grande..... Your videos are getting better and better.....I used to have a hard time following you but now i'm absorbing what you say like a sponge A+++
Honestly, the best way to repel nasty people is to work on yourself. The only reason anybody falls for a narcissist in the first place is because they are vulnerable. When you stop depending on others to feel good about yourself, all that love-bombing and quick intimacy is SO offputting. It's not about you repelling them, it's about getting to the point where you are repelled by them.
So, my advice is, take a break from dating and sex for a while, work through what makes you vulnerable and open to abuse, on your own or with a professional maybe, and start living the life you deserve.
Dr Grande, i just finished this video, and i really enjoyed it, in particular i thought the later part of the video was particularly good. thank you.
Very helpful. It answers a twofold question for me. I understand now why I was discarded early in a relationship with a narcissist. Thank you.
“ I wouldn’t believe that in a million years” cracked me up! 🤣🤣
Very interesting discussion of this complex topic. I like the way Dr. Grande acknowledges the nuances inherent in analyzing and describing dynamic personality traits by avoiding absolute certainty where none is possible, and while leaving the listener with just enough to think about to figure out what may work and what may not work in a given situation.
listener...
Wish I had known these things......many moons ago....lol..would have saved a lot of grief. !!!
Innit
Never to late to start a new way.
In reality we mostly learn through personal experience; 'iron sharpens iron' relationships are not comfortable to endure, yet essential for personal growth.
Thank you. It all makes sense. Wish I had known some of these responses before getting involved with a narcissist.
I’ve been looking for this info for 4 years THANK YOU
I'm very concerned about talking about "repelling" a narcissist. You never know how a narcissist is going to react, overtly or covertly to get back at you for what they will see as a huge injury and magnify what you said or did to repel them. No matter what, the narcissist will be cooking up the next way to get what they want out of you for their own gratification. One of the "strategies" that I have used is to make the narcissist think that they won, and it was their idea to sever the relationship or interactions. I want a narcissist to think they got the best of me. I was raised by a malignant narcissist with psychopathic traits father, and a histrionic vulnerable narcissist mother that took to her bed and was a lifelong hypochondriac until she was so medically over treated and debilitated that she was actually seriously and chronically ill, and even more dependent on her malignant narcissist husband. Took me years to get my head on halfway straight as an adult. I did manage to raise a daughter to successful and happy adulthood. I make a great launchpad. As a parent, I could have done a lot of things better, but raising my daughter was the happiest time of my life and my daughter is the love of my life. I have been binge watching your videos because I am still dealing with the worst of the narcissistic parenting duo, my father. I have also been watching other narcissist topics videos from other "experts" including a Harvard affiliated clinician. Your videos are the best, and most objective, informative and instructive. We are all flawed and fallible humans so I may differ in my observations from what you may say in particular, but overall, I am grateful for your shared insights. Thank you.
Margo Channing can I ask you if you have raised your daughter on your own or were you in a relationship? My parents also have this dynamic, so I’m interested how you managed to overcome this and create a healthy environment for your child? Thank you x
Whenever I’ve been on a date with a guy and he talked about other women, I’ve always found that repulsive. Does that make me a narcissist? I think it’s impolite to take a woman out and have a convo about yourself and your experience with other women under all and any circumstances
Nah, he’s just inconsiderate. That’s improper if you’re truly interested in getting to know someone new. Healthy folk will work through their issues and leave their baggage in the past where in belongs. We wouldn’t want our new potential partners to be scared off because we’re seeming like we’re still hung up on anyone from the past. So, chances are he just never really got over those women or he just has a different perspective than you about the way he conducts his life in relation to women. I know I’m late to ur comment but Hope that helps lol.
@@pbjt2396it is pretty inconsiderate. Get over your past relations before atempting a new one. Or at least keep it to yourself unless they ask you. Show interest in the person right there with you, whom you are getting to know
Sadly and embarrassingly working on extricating myself from my third fake relationship with the grandiose type..If I recover Dr. Grande I will definitely heed your advice!
I realise now that my "type" have been narcs. I was told once that all the men I dated where narcs. I didn't get it. I tried dating different types of men. Little did I know they were essentially all the same. I recall them all being so nice in the beginning. One waited till our honeymoon to show his true colors. I'm 46 and single. Hopefully now that the existence of the narcs have come to light, they can be avoided. Thanks Doc!
Dam I hope the best for you unfortunately alot of woman like this type of man beacuse of certain traits like charming very flattery shoes off and wants to be admired because most woman can relate to wanting to be admired rather than loved although when woman get attached then they want love until they find out the one their with is narcissist and doesn't want love then they get upset but I mean dating a narcissist is like dating a hoe there's no value but the difference is you'll get more time with a narcissist than a hoe but that time with the narcissist is wasted where as a dating hoe you get less time but a good time in a short period that doesn't last and leaves you empty although dating narcs will leave you empty as well more like angry too lol
Your videos are absolutely best at breaking down technical terms or complex imagery or ideas into precise descriptions....there's this other channel, the Thriver one, and she has a more spiritual approach, but she's also quite good at breaking things down like you good sir.
But you, with the more of the science based approach, are one of the best, definitely in the top 3 without a doubt. Cheers!
(I will never unsubscribe. Hehe.)
Meaning from all the people that teach about narcissism on UA-cam, you're in the top echelon of warriors of truth.
I loved watching this. Seems like I did all the right things without even knowing it! Once I quit giving him all the attention he desired, he went to the woman who thought he hung the moon :)
Bingo 😂🎉
Looking back at the grandiose narcissist I knew, I can see where I was making the mistake of admiring them thinking I was just being a caring friend. I can also see that I was also pushing them away because I never made romantic advances towards them and always kept them at arms-length. This must of been very frustrating for them.
Thank you so much for this excellent advice, Dr. Grande. I've used these tactics and they really work!!!! I wish I would've known this 13 years ago.
That’s an excellent strategy. I will definitely use it. Giving compliments to others and not the narc fishing for them, see what happens. That is brilliantly benign and non confrontational! Cause them to avoid future interactions without an uncomfortable confrontation. Thankyou! I love it! 👍👍👍💜💜💜
The go to tactic I have been using is a tactic provided by another you tuber called the “smiling no test”. That one is pretty effective too. Narcs are always judging people as “good people” or “bad people” based on wether a potential resource gives them what they demand or not. They are not credible resources on assessing wether anybody is good or bad, but believe they are morality experts anyway. It’s slightly confrontational though, and can be difficult to grey rock through if the no triggers rage and enemy status.
Devaluing one by openly praising others, sadly is one of the hurtful things done to mates during the devalue stage before discard... One should be careful to not mirror that which one seek to destroy; lest one becomes defined by it. Also, what goes around, comes around: We reap what we sow. Better to in principle treat others similar to how we would like to be treated ourselves.
Thankyou for this very insightful video! When a narcissist has either direct power over you or a tendency towards revenge, repelling the narcissist might be safer than leaving them. Some narcissists pose a great risk to the people in their power.
Very useful life tools, thank you so very much! I’m hanging on to these for life.
If you just call them by a slightly off name, consistently, theytire pretty quickly of someone they can't even impress enough to get their name right.
As far as the last few tactics go I think the finding out if someone is interested in someone who caring or not is the best tactic. The others seem to and have become sort commonplace and annoying to think the person you are having a conversation with is trying to see your narcissistic rating. Although if someone is trying to take advantage of someone knowing there caring status could be dangerous also. I think I speak from experience on that last one.
Anyone thank you for posting all the educational videos.
Hi Dr Grande this certainly was very interesting. Thanks so much for sharing
I just think it's important to note that, as you describe the vulnerable narcissist, one who's been a victim of such (carrying severe PTSD or CPTSD) has those qualities too. So, Dr. Grande, how can you differentiate for your audience the difference? Level of pathology and intent, perhaps? Thank you so much. I enjoy & appreciate the info you put out in your videos. ❤️
This!!
This is a great video with great repellent ideas!! Thank you Dr Grande!!
I just really don’t like Narcissists.
Lol, I just really agree with this statement
@@p_tiffanii sad isn't it!
Thank you, our brother. You are fighting the good fight, and for that, we commend you! May God always walk beside you and keep you fulfilled with your life, happy and safe.
Very informative and well put out by a specialist in this area in a most methodical of a way.thank you for the advice.
I am not a professional in the mental health field. Thank you for the insight. I'm not big into labels, I do a lot of observation and listen a lot. If I see no possible like mindset, I generally am polite but end any future contact with the individual. I suppose that is why I am a paleontologist. Smile
This would be my preferred way of managing an encounter. Taking the high road pays immeasurably.
Another great video I’m learning a lot and thoroughly enjoyed this one.
Great advice Dr Grande!! I must admit previously, I've pushed everyone away!! It didn't work for me!
Thank you for sharing your insight. I have a topic suggestion: “Is there a correlation between mental health and speech impediments” (ex: stuttering)
Hey, I'm a mechanic!
I have a 71 dodge and it is the best 😊 I also built it myself so yes it is the best LOL
Another great video, I can see the situation with a few people I know thanks for the advice
Thank you again for your clear explanation and strategies. Priceless.