Many of the videos I make are requested by you the viewers. If there are any topics you's like me to cover in the future just leave a comment to let me know.
I have a unique situation. My child (a ward) has a narcissistic parent who has abandoned them but occasionally “pops by” via calling on the mobile or sending a message. They are very abusive verbally and emotionally to their child. I don’t expect a child to understand why this is happening, especially since they suffer from learning disabilities, but I cannot forbid them from contact, and it is very disturbing to witness to say the least. The child understands enough that they know they are being treated poorly and is always left with negative feelings after the “encounter.” What kind of damage can this cause? How can I manage the situation? Thank you.
@@DarrenFMagee Do you explain in any of your videos why a covert narcissist may choose one person to blame for their problems or one person they direct their contempt towards?
@@lauram7101 I don’t think I have addressed that specifically but in one I mentioned sometimes they’re punishing others for the pain inflicted on them. In a recent video I discussed how they choose their targets. If you like I’ll make a video on that question
@@DarrenFMagee my parents both are narcissists and pshycopaths also. Especially my mother abuses myself from my childhood through silent treatment,gaslighting,threating,blaming,shaming,guilt tripping every thing but now from six months ago i understands their abuses and started ignoring their tactics. But still verbally insults and threatd wont stopped completely so i am waiting for no contact very soon.
One thing stood out for me, the victim ends up apologizing for how they feel/react after being abused. Wow, I did that so many times. I am realizing that that may be the cause of all the anger I have stored in me. Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge freely, people like you are really helping the world with your work.
I have such a hard time processing anger for this reason. If I am/was angry, I am/was guilty of something. I found physically breaking something (anything) with a hammer or ripping/cutting the 💩 out of cardboard to be pretty therapeutic. All my anger had to go somewhere, and ideally I didn't want to take it out on people... I have spent many hours in the garage crying and screaming while breaking down boxs for recycling. People would ask if I was okay and I would just tell them "yes I am just VERY angry" and they'd leave me to it. It was so out of character for me but I felt so much better after the destruction. Anyways, I just wanted to send you lots of love and hugs. Your feelings are real and you are not alone. ❤️
@@danielbonner8309 dude I would say they must belong to a secret society that has meetings on how to do this crap. Its so not normal but its also so consistent feels like they went to narc academy.
Misery loves company, and the narcissist is miserable. He is a sadist that finds joy in running you in emotional circles. He is jealous of your potential and hates to see you have success. He stops you by becoming your obsession.
You had me right up until the point when you blame the narcissist for stopping you" by becoming your obsession". That is on us....NOT on the narcissist.
I caused the worst night of her life by telling her over the phone that how she is behaving is unacceptable, disrespectful and harsh. They are so convincing and without blinking or thinking. All the abusive and manipulative behaviors come natural for them. It's scary. And I still have moments where I start to doubt myself and feel afraid and insucure thinking that I might be the crazy one and the one to blame.
"Give me what I want, or I'll suffer, and it will be all your fault." Thank you SO much for explaining this!!! Maybe their lack of emotional well-being isn't my fault after all - even though they assure me it is.
Exactly, we suffer with my sister , she graduated from college and couldn't go to interviews, she blamed us for her fear , even though we were super supportive and motivated her to watch videos and face her fear , but when a company calls her and she doesn't respond and we say why , she starts shouting and blaming my parents, ( she's 25 btw) , then my parents decided to send her study in Germany, she agreed , a week ago she wanted to change the school where she learns german , my father said no , cuz the one she's in is great , but she lost her temper and started crying and screaming in her room when we ignored her ( cuz it's always like that , the crying and screaming) she came to us in the living room , pretended like she's going to faint and started screaming and saying all bad words to my mother and told her I'll keep doing this to get the attention I want , she's soooooo toxic and she made our lives miserable.
It never was your fault. They, however, convinced you it was. I was also convinced it was my fault. I believe I dated the perfect storm of someone who has BPD and comorbid with NPD. Due to my codependency I wanted to fix it or take the blame just to smooth things over. Never again.
Our oldest son is a narcissist. He is 25 and homeless now. He has always been hard to deal with. He always claims he doesn’t get any help, we love the younger kids more. He has had way more help from us and his grandfather than any other grandkids. We pay his debts and buy his things but it’s never enough. We stopped paying and now he’s living in his truck. (Paid for by Grampa) He always tells my wife she should have had an abortion, he should drink drain cleaner, he should drive his truck into a tree. I also use the saying “he has a problem for every solution “ I’ve washed my hands of that toxic person
And you don’t deserve my son who loves me so much he will die without me, literally, and when I die he’ll die too. It’s a level of insanity I hadn’t ever seen before. There are therapists in my biological family, but I don’t talk to family. Objective therapy is better. I’ve had a good therapist but listen to Dr. Magee all the time. Thankful for his posts!
SPOT ON descriptions of the covert narc. I spent 54 total years with a clinically diagnosed covert narc (48 married). I am FREE of this monster for 5 years. PEACE is upon me.
54 years! My god, I take my hat off to you - I'm so glad you are now free. Mine is not diagnosed (he barely goes to the doctor let alone therapy - he "doesn't need therapy, you're the one that needs it"). But I stumbled across Debbie Mirza's "The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist" after googling my husband's behaviour in desperation (together 12 years, married six) and wept for hours realising I finally had an answer.
Really? I have the same experience! I still struggle to feel joy or happiness because it makes my mom sick. If I am one day happy, the next day I feel very bad, without any real reason, like regretting feeling something prohibited, doing sin by being joyful. It is a roller coaster of feelings without that anything special has happened.
@@sannajohanna5579 I hope you can feel elated when when your mother is dead and can't hurt you again. Pretend she is dead right now so you can feel again. Start paving over you memories of her and the hurt she never stops heaping on you. Feel the weight lift off your heart. Love yourself. Until then I will pray for you and you can pray for me.
@@gregpendrey6711 Thank you. I decided that I do not have to wait for her death. I simply accept to be a „bad“ daughter and just live my life and not take responsibility of her condition. Since I was 10 yesrs old and she was garly 40, I renember this gane began. When I was unhappy or needed something or as a child, complained, my mom said:“You must be nice to me because I die soon!“ Well. I am 57 and she isnot dead. All these decades I waited that she does what she says (dies)- but she did not. Imagine! I‘ve done cord cuttingmeditatiobs and it has helped me. Nowadays I have no contact, even she tried with all weird systems to „get ne back“. Yes, she used the words:“We GOT you!“ And it was the monentcwhen I decided: „No, you did not „got“ me. You just destroyed my dreams oretending that you „helped“ ne, but what you say about „getting me“- reveals everything. Fortunately my uncle, the brother of mymon had same kind of experiences about her than I do. It isfantastic to find someone who sees the system of the family.
I've seen my husband fly into a rage because I was in a good mood. I've basically actively trained myself to be quiet and not enjoy myself too much. What a horrible way to live.
Really describes the man I tried to please for years and drained me and left me feeling empty A soft hearted person can really be used by this type of person and must learn to honor their own self
Or my personal favorite when he's been called out for his behaviors is "how can you say that? Everything I do is for you." Yeah, right! Everything he does is for him & only him!
A great summary for anyone who feels lost and bewildered in a relationship that is with a covert Narcissist. I would only add that they will refuse to be truly open and vulnerable with you when you are trying to work out your problems. Also any information you give them will be used against you as they justify your lack of value.
Great way to explain it, and fits my situation perfectly. It was difficult for me to differentiate between whether she was intentionally being a garbage human being...or of there was actually something wrong with her.
@@blueprince2330 The best thing for me when dealing with it was not to take it personally. They are not viewing things in the same way. They just don't get it. You can beat yourself up over doing this and that at different times but you're not dealing with someone rational. Forgive yourself.
@@Adam-xs3ng she had an affair before she divorced me, and I shouldered ALL the blame before I came out of the fog. It took a while to realize that it had nothing to do with me. Thanks for the advice, man....I owe you a beer. 🍺
@@blueprince2330 I caught my wife preparing for affair. Online flirting, suggesting I was just a problem to get out the way. Covid restrictions hit and she could not see out her plan to meet her online man. Is called her out but when someone's cheats I'm done. I still feel some days that I've as abandoned her but she checked out a long time ago. I'm gonna take a year to be alone and work on myself and heal.
@@blueprince2330 ps look at your past relationships, I see now that I am a rescuer of damsels in distress. This is not healthy. Lots of sorted women out there how have there shit together who are looking for an equal partner.
My mum is 84 and I’m 53 and only recently through therapy I now see her as a covert narcissist and she plays the poor old me and turns on the tears very easily but then when she get’s what she wants she turns off the tears and moves on. leaves me feeling awful for causing it and she’s “over now, move on”. But also as you say “how could my son treat me like this. I brought you into the world” She treats my brother though as the golden child and I now see I am the scapegoat. Sorry is not in her vocab and my brother gets all the praise and financial help, I get abuse, “poor old me” and no financial gifts, although she insists she treats us the same and get’s very defensive when I point out she doesnt. & my brother is “how can you treat mum like this”. She’s broken me, but therapy is keeping me sane & your videos help too. Thank you.
My mother is a covert narc. She abused me like how Darren described, when i was kid. It messed up my head big time. Always had to be people pleaser. Never show any emotions to anyone. Other people's feelings and needs comes first. Thanks to therapy and watching youtube vids like these I have come to understand why and how I was so lost and miserable all these years.
And the Grandkids , save me, I moved out at 17 . Baby sitter She was , then the Kids grew and the Real Monster 👹👹 came out, Uncaring about anything but Themselves. I can't take the Pain. She was Bitter and Hid it with her Fake Smile. Victimized by Spoiled , Selfish Brat's. Thanks for sharing.
You explained me and my relationship with my victim like narcissist mother. Boy is she an expert at being a victim and making others feel sorry for her. I despise her. I have to regain me, the person i was never able to develop.
Same here. It can get better, I've done many years of work and I'm not really a fawning boundariless people pleaser anymore. But get ready for hardcore work for quite a while.
The Covert Narcissist play stupid, weak, victim, complaining about the same things over and over and over again. They really are Pathetic and annoying.. However, they are mean and sneaky as hell: Enjoys knowing they caused you harm or pain:, I saw the game and Reversed everything and then Discarded that Pathetic Vampire! Never again. Bigass 6’3 athletic type acting like that:.Just freaking Stupid as hell! What a waste of time!
I literally had a narc friend that was telling me that there’s things I’ve done in the past that have upset her. I asked what they were so I know not to do it again. And she replied “I don’t know what they were I can’t remember.” I was like well now I feel like I’m walking on eggshells and I don’t know what I’m doing to upset you. She then went around and told everyone that I was gaslighting her. Honestly, I was losing my mind.
That "friend" is playing mindgames and is enjoying the fact she has you in some form of control wondering what it was that you supposedly have done to make her upset. I know a wonderful game that will benefit you the most when played with those kind of people, it's called GREY ROCK. Also known as IGNORE/ NO CONTACT. You'll win everytime.
OMG! The fiegning confusion! That was was what my mother always did. Whenever I confronted her about the simple details about her inconsistencies and ask her to please explain, she would freak out and cry, "You're confusing me! You're confusing me!" I could never understand how simple facts could be confusing to her. So now I get it! She was making a feeble last ditch effort to avoid responsibility for her actions.
Yup, my mother says "I don't remember this" - implying it didn't happen and I am in the wrong. Now I just don't engage in long conversations with her. "Yes, no, I don't know". I am sure it pisses her off to not have someone to manipulate, but tough luck.
@@sharonthompson672 This concept of crazy making was artfully portrayed in the movie "Tommy" (from rock band The Who) in 1975. (See episode on UA-cam: "What about the boy?") The movie is based on how Tommy becomes psychosomatically deaf, dumb and blind because his mother and step-father forbade him his awareness that he witnessed his father being killed. "You didn't see anything! You didn't hear anything! You won't tell anyone!" This is of course symbolic, but helps us to see how many of us have been subjected to being denied our reality just because our parents didn't want to take responsibility for what they did to us.
i remember how the last argument i had with her... it was extremely obvious what was wrong, i even showed her proof. But then she started acting all confused all of the sudden, and all of the sudden she had no brain capacity and a headache and her legs hurt and she was in so much pain... ALL BECAUSE OF AVOIDING IT. I remember how many times i cried just because it was so frustrating, i knew that she knew it, but she just wouldnt admit it no matter what, its the most annoying feeling in the world. After that i broke up with her a few days later, bets decision of my life. 2 months away from her and im glad i left. Even when i showed her proof of her cheating on me and another guy at the same time she got mad at me for "attacking her out of nowhere" and all over she was the victim... It really feels like dealing with a child, and in many cases (which i regret) i would get so frustrated that i called her a child, and that was the worst mistake ever... Now she had a hold on me, she was the victim. So exhausting, i still cant even comprehend half of what she did to me without getting a brain fog, its so hard to explain to someone (for example a therapist) what ive been through, when i barely even know half of the stuff myself as i was brainwashed. Sorry to anyone thats also been through this, just know that the mental anguish you felt will give you experience in life, and you'll grow stronger by it mentally, maybe not in the relationship itself, but later in life.
One I heard several times was, "I've sacrificed so much for you." Near the end of our relationship, the projection and triangulation was in full swing. I think it's because she knew I was onto her. The very last tactic she tried was blaming me for her not being able to find someone else to date in the future. It's wild how much of this is shared across experiences.
Silent treatment is the worst. My mother is a covert narcissist I went to dinner at her house. She was talking to my sons, my sister and her son, and when I added to the conversation she blatantly ignored me. In the old days I would’ve said, “mom please don’t ignore me, don’t be mad at me what’s wrong?” Instead I left, and have been no contact for 6 months. O’m done.
This is the most accurate set of examples I’ve seen for how my partner behaves and treats me. For the past four years he has faked illnesses down to pretending to have seizures, being in the hospital for brain swelling, and is now blaming everything that he does or has done on an intellectual disability that he hasn’t been fully diagnosed with. I’ve said to counselors that it’s so confusing because I’m used to people being outright cruel or very open with their intentions even if they’re bad. But the things he does are so sneaky it makes me question if I’m the problem constantly.
My ex best friend is a covert narcissist. The first time I moved away from her I didn’t understand what a covert narc was so I couldn’t put my finger on it but I just knew I felt drained every time I had a conversation with her. We didn’t speak for 2 years then I gave the friendship another chance because I thought she may have been in a bad place in her life at the time… BIG MISTAKE. The covert friend began to grill me with a lot of personal questions to try and use against me at a later date in a narcissistic rage. She would ask me questions then a few days later ask me the same question to see if I gave the same answer…I guess this was her building her case against me lol. I began working out really hard in the gym she hated it because she is very overweight and would try from every angle to place negativity on the gym I went to, the food I was eating how often I trained. Even Jlo who I aspired to look like as I have a similar body shape…I mean come on who hates on jlos body lol. She seemed fixated on the past and an ex boyfriend she hadn’t seen in over a decade she even said she had piled on the weight so she wouldn’t appear attractive to other men because she felt like she was betraying her ex that she hadn’t seen in over a decade. (The guy is also married has 3 children and lives in France and we live in the U.K) After trying to help her move on numerous times I told her it’s not healthy to be talking about a guy from 11 years ago. A few days later she went into a narcissistic rage and tried to tear down my character and twist truths through all those questions she had been asking me she did this through a 12 paragraph message. Her craziness was shocking and the hate she spewed towards me made me close that door for good. She the. 10 days later bombarded me with another 6 paragraphs of utter rammel she sent the messages one by one over a period of 2 hours . The messages didn’t even make sense she even cancelled her own argument through her raging 😡 txts. 🤷🏽♀️. She had a problem when I spent time with family She tried to shame me if I met up with other friends She would indirectly insult the gifts my boyfriend bought which were Gucci and designer perfumes lol She tried to act as if she had an emergency every time I had a happy event such as family party or baby shower She said I had no morals because I’m a friendly person and know men from my gym 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 She had a problem with me learning online I guess because videos like this help me understand what a narcissist is lol. She even had the audacity to message me a few days later like nothing had happened and how I was the bad guy for not wishing her a happy birthday 😮😮😮😮 these people are sick we have to understand this BLOCK and get on with your life 🥰
Sounds like my ex in toxic friend form. She called me a "friend lover" and "You would rather be with your friends than a real woman" smh. She knew if I wasn't with her I was either by myself or with friends/family. Period!
Yes, narcs weaponize all personal information. Rule #1 for me = give them zero information. They will twist and leverage anything against you. Funny you mention the gym stuff because my covert narc mom is the same way. She always shames any little perceived flaw about someone. When we were in the gym, she doesn’t try or know what she’s doing yet always has all these remarks. If I’m serious about weightlifting, she’s like “you look like you’re in pain.” If I’m working hard, she’s like “you’re still breathing hard” or "did that wear you out?" Then she got offended because I eat brown rice a lot - “All you eat is brown rice.” (Lie) Then I work on the computer and she makes snide remarks about how I spend too much time on the computer. Then she doesn’t like the size of my house. And ALWAYS fishing around for financial information. She’s men for money her whole life and always plays the victim to try to get money, and loves gossiping about people’s finances. Any little thing will get a comment. They’re know-it-alls and always try to collect info and press buttons. It’s how they can control and manipulate. Later over text she manipulatively lied in just awful disgusting ways in a fit of narcissistic rage. That’s when I finally connected the dots and realized how deeply disturbed she is.
My narcissist husband (soon to be ex) always gets "ofended" by whatever I say. In this video your are making a portrait of him. Thank you so much for clarifying important issues that I already perceived, but I was not capable of putting two and two together. As a narcissist victim, we are so deeply involved that it makes us blind at times.
The "I can't believe you think I am that kind of person" is a classic phrase my ex used to say if I called him out on a negative behaviour. He would look at me so sincerely like it was the end if the world when saying it too. I used to end up apologising to him for calling him out. Really weird. So glad that relationship ended.
I relate to this a lot. I can't talk to my partner about any issues or hurt feelings without him turning it around so I have to comfort him. It's exhausting, so I don't bother talking to him about any problems or negative emotions I have anymore.
@@NoticeMeSenpaiii I'm experiencing the same thing lately 🥺 then he blames me no longer talk or have a good conversation with him...sigh .. you are not alone...I feel you
When a difficult childhood means your a people pleaser who hates conflict as it makes you very anxious it plays right onto thier hands. Though I knew what was being said wasn't reasonable I never saw it as calculated and abusive and kept trying to smooth things over a time.
It never ceases to amaze me how they all fit the same mold. I have heard these exact phrases along with their variations as I’ve gone gray rock. They weaponize your caring against you.
Fabulous video. My 99 year old mother is a covert narcissist. Yes, I've had a tough life but am very content now. Haven't seen her in 15 months and don't plan to. I'm not being vindictive, just taking care of me.
This is so spot on, my jaw is on the floor … haha. I can chuckle because I’m out of a 40 yr marriage to a covert Narc. Life is beautiful now, and my kids are totally supportive of me. I am so grateful.
I'm in a 40 year marriage with a covert narcissist that is making life hell. I finally decided to no longer engage because I know if I do he's just going to be abusive, manipulative, etc. and so his bullying and playing the victim has escalated. I'm not financially independent, yet. But I'm getting out of this marriage. I have to.
@@annebodee it is the financials that usually keeps us in so long. I developed health problems and needed insurance. Live a completely separate life til you can get out. Don’t cook for him, laundry, errands, nothing. Counselor called it ..in-home separation. Separate bedrooms and if you can, separate areas of house. Just some suggestions.. you may be doing already. Do it secretly though… subtly now out. Hope you can be free soon !
OMG. I lived with this behaviour from my sister for as long as I could remember until I drew a line in the sand when my daughter turned 1 and my sister tried to make trouble for her birthday and then made it about her. That was ‘it’ and I gave her a warning and then when she refused to stop I went ‘no contact’. My daughter is 14 now and it was the best decision I ever made. It gave us peace! I love your channel and your easy to understand explanations 🌸
Every behavior I mean every, you have described is as if you were a fly on the wall experiencing the covert narcissist in our life. Even your specific examples are right on point. Feigning illness, hypersensitivity to criticism, guilting, blame shifting, lack of empathy, entitled, innocent, victimization, never responsible ( even for their own behavior), gaslighting, disagreeable, manipulative, vindictive, delusional, in denial, word salad, acting confused, triangulation, invalidating, silent treatment, stonewalling, devaluing, passive aggressive, emotional vampires, you never feel good enough, spoiled child. Other behaviors prevalent in my covert narcissist are untruths and masters of manipulation of half truths, seething anger, raging anger , projection , constantly criticizing others and bullying. Also a constant need for validation aka narcissistic supply. Thank you for this episode!
@Bruce...dear god Bruce...the lady who I loved and cared for and would have crawled half way round the world on hands and knees for, displayed all of your examples during our relationship...what a fool I was, in hindsight...a codependent, I'm sure...but, by God, I know now I was subjected to toxic emotional abuse and I'm paying for it...whether ptsd or whatever, it has affected me emotionally, mentally and physically ( high blood pressure)...still trying to tear myself away from the good memories, but it is so hard...remembering the bad ones helps and this video is a comfort of sorts as well...she now has her legs wrapped around her next victim! The poor man...I wish him well...as for her, I just wish she had the balls to face up to what she is suffering from, and DO something about it...I feel sorry for her...a beautiful woman with a good heart, but a mind that has been warped throughout her childhood by forces outside her control...just soooo frustrating to know the issue but not being in a position to help...🙈😖😫...no contact hurts but it's better than the shit I endured when we did text...what an awful ugly sad mess...!!!
@Brice Yama, All those awful traits and to think I was convinced I had the problem! How they truly F with your head and turn the tables! I wish I knew all this when I was going through it instead of after the fact.
@@LW-wg4ny Just imagine getting to 60 years old and experiencing a narcissist for the first time. I just knew I hit the jackpot. Got engaged and the ex narcissist fiance was the worst and most scariest person I encountered. Talk about traumatized, but God go me out and healing pretty good 🔥🔥🔥💪💪💪🙏🙏🙏
This one is very tricky for me. I am a child of two narcissists who is also autistic. A lot of these covert narcissist traits are things that I do, but for very different reasons due to being on the spectrum - being overloaded by noise or conflict, needing to shut down and withdraw, being sensitive to criticism, etc. I know that some of these things are affected by learned behaviour from how I was raised, but I think it might be important to recognize that there is a lot of overlap between the two, with the intent behind it being different for each case.
I am so glad you brought this up and acknowledge it, that is very brave and shows great self-awareness. I am married to someone on the spectrum but neither of us knew it for many years and all the narcissistic behaviors did quite a number on my health because of the sheer stress of not understanding what the heck was going on. Autism/Asperger’s goes hand in hand with these symptoms BUT self-awareness, such as what you wrote, creates a whole different dynamic within a relationship . I could go on and on but instead requested a video on this very subject.
Difference is, an autistic person once they are told they are doing something hurtful is mortified. Truly narcissistic people with autism or without just don't care
I am 62 years old and just now finally stood up to my narcissistic mother and claimed my life back. My mother is 92 and has all her faculties, is healthy as hell, and is sharp as a tack. No pitiful old lady here, although she wants people to see her that way and like a puppeteer has the family dancing around her like puppets. I’ve always been the scape goat, calling her to task on her behavior and of course I am “hateful”. I was blamed for being born and ruining her life, etc. you know the drill if you’re watching this video. Anyway I encourage you all to really work at healing, watch these types of videos and read books , a great one is “Stop caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist - How to End the Drama and Get on with Life” by Marsalis Fjelstad ”. It really helped me. Good luck.
I had to look at the name in the comment because I thought I wrote it!!! Same here ! exact ! My brother keeps telling me I crazy ( 10 years older). I never even saw him growing up ! What does he know? She loves him to death! Me? I am a piece of shit! Same thing- I called her out years ago on her behavior. Held it against me ever since. me 61 mother 90.
This is bizarre! I'm also 62, mom 92. Exact! Look at these comments! We could start a club! 😆👍❤️ Also no contact. I gave it the old college try. All the out of staters no contact. One sibling, nearby, careful contact.
Same here, trust me I thought I was getting it the worst and never thought another person would be mentally capable to do these types of things but the more I read ans look online the more I see the same patterns and behaviour I'm seeing right now at home
I give up trying to get people to think anything of me too, that hurt the most. It breaks my fucking heart, I have to pretend and say it doesn't but it's very sad. Have to stay strong though, never give up and never commit suicide 💪
I was married to one of these clowns. When you finally get out, usually they leave yoy, you say what the hell just happened to me. ??.who am I?? Then you get addicted to learning about narcicism..you're never the same again, in a good way and a bad way. Knowledge so it never happens again But you also don't trust trust just about anybody.. Thank you for the video!
I'm thinking my mother was a covert narcissist... every time I tried to bring up something she'd said or done to me she say... (whilst fake crying) "oooh you're upsetting me now". She often threaten to commit suicide when I was a teen, pretend she'd overdosed once and got her boyfriend to come and get me, for me only to find she was just drunk and asleep! I could go on, but I won't ... she died years ago but my life was badly affected by her. I married 2 more like her, and now I'm finally clued in... so I guess that was the purpose. Love yourself, and don't let anyone devalue you, set boundaries and watch for red flags! Great video new subscriber.
I’ve experienced all of those. This is so spot on. It’s like my soul was swallowed by a black hole. To make matters worse, not only did she have all of these symptoms but she was also diagnosed with borderline. So imagine getting all of this treatment but then the abuser feeling genuine shame, inevitably tugging at your heart strings bringing you back into her lair only to be engulfed again by the darkness. It’s the closest thing to hell I’ve ever experienced.
My mom was a covert narcissist, and I finally stood up to her and insisted on having my own life and not doing what she wanted. She finally was so upset that I was moving away and not going to take care of her(after she resisted all suggestions of hiring in homecare or moving into a care home). She ended up deciding not to eat and three weeks later died. I had no idea! I left her at the hospital thinking she would go home with my Dad and he would make sure she had the food and medicine she needed, but he only did what she said, and never intervened. He never even told me she was dying! Just called me after she had passed away. Then he went manic because he's bipolar, only my mom took him off meds because she didn't believe in them! But since she died, I have finally felt free to live my own life.
Thank you!! My sister has an asymmetrical, contemptuous smirk that pops up when ever she feels insecure, upset or in the shadow of someone/sth. Hardly noticeable, but it always put me in a state of dissonance. She also uses pity-play repetitively to coerce people to do sth for her! If she gets what she feels she deserves, what she should have gotten long ago, she pretends she knows nothing: “Oh that's kind of sad, we never got the package!” When I later happened to see photos of her children jumping around the garden in the very jackets I bought and sent them, she snapped: "You mean those saggy parkas? Sweetie, that's second hand from our neighbors!" It took me years to finally realize that both of my sisters behave highly narcissistic and that my family would never ever let me out of the scapegoat role!
For sure ; that contemptuous smirk !!!!! ( so well put ). Definitely have encountered this from mother-in - law . Never really fully understood it until recently being educated on it . They all follow the same playbook .
Go back and look at family photos you will see that smirk. My brother and I went through hundreds with the nister's picture smirk in 90%, nothing in 9% 1% genuine smile (she must have just hurt some one when that one was taken).
These types never grow because they never take responsibility. It's all about avoiding responsibility and not becoming autonomous. You're in a dependent position. It's a valid position for a dependent child , however not for an adult. We're truly dependent as infants. But life is about responsibility and independence. Instead of getting themselves to get what they want, they get others to. Instead of fixing a meal, they pray that their god will fix one for them. A responsibility avoidance tactic, in which you never grow up.
Goerge Simon points out how this stuff is about responsibility avoidance. In reality, responsibility is what got us here in the first place. Responsibility is the reason that we are all here today. Responsibility is the stuff of life. It's only phychopaths that deny this fact. They'll do anything to avoid responsibility, including blaming you for their own faults.
Yes! They never progressed beyond some year in their childhood and they don't Want to! My 19 year old son with high functioning autism is a thousand times more mature than the narcissistic former'best friend' I recently got away from.
This sounds like me somewhat, the difficult part is that I’ve been having health issues for years which affects my life 24/7 that has never resolved since getting deathly ill at 17 and the same a second time. All I’ve ever wanted is understanding and support only when required. However, I got married to someone that seems like a covert Narcissist as well. As a youth I wasn’t taught how to take care of house things like a normal schedule of chores and cooking etc. I told my ex and she knew everything as I told her I was lacking those skills but had other skills also. Unfortunately she belittled me when “teaching me” and would start yelling at me as I also have ADHD and had difficulty multitasking cooking and chopping things for example and this frustrated her greatly. After a few attempts at teaching cooking she couldn’t handle the stress and eventually at the end of another big argument she said I’ll take care of it as I love caring for family etc. Fine. But as the relationship went on she did this same with the other household to things on how I was doing it because of certain stresses I had, but instead of encouragement she would make fun of all of these things including to her friends and family. After a while it was basically I was the joke, yet was still doing other things to balance things. Now with ADHD it’s also difficult to control impulses and organization and schedule so that brought her stress as well. After the break up the cooking thing is still difficult for me and I’ve greatly improved as I had started cooking for her once a week to try again but there was usually a problem with timing and needing to be specific. Anyway, all this to say is at some point I believe I may have become partly narcissistic because of the rejection I had as a result and still struggling with some things but improved. God bless
So spot on, you verbalise their tactics so well....and I love your humour ..'Are these my feet?!' No wonder we end up questioning our sanity!! Thank you, a great synopsis.
I was born to a narcissist mother, I grew up with narcissists and dysfunctional behaviors. I thought this was normal behavior, I thought other people were weird. It was confusing. When I had children I tried to change and do things differently but it wasn’t until a very destructive overt narcissist came into my life, he came at me so hard and almost alienated me from my children and left me a pile on the floor that I hit bottom and wanted change so bad that I started intense therapy. Do five and a half years with the first three doing EMDR twice a week, deep diving into myself. Not trying to change anyone, just me, who I was and who I wanted to be. BUT unknown to me I became involved with a covert narcissist, I was not used to that kind. Boy did he try and derail me and the crazy making was off the charts. But I was determined and I have succeeded, we are not together because he could not handle my healing and the fact he couldn’t stop it. But coverts are by far the most destructive and sly type of narcissist out there. You can’t see them coming, wolves in sheep’s clothing. I pray for all that have been entrapped by them, they are hard to get released from, 🙏🏻
In my case it took 39 years to finally work out what was the problem with my sister. I'm so resentful that all those years I walked on eggshells around her, pandered to her wants and needs, I put her over my own child and husband. I was conditioned to be a people pleaser since my early childhood. We were treated like that by our grandma, she was the golden child, always given the first choice, we were pitted against each other and she was always perceived by gran as better than me in every way. I was the stupid and ugly one, a failure, she could do no wrong. Grandma had a very strong influence on our lives, we lived in the same house and she ruled there with an iron fist. Last year gran confessed that she couldn't forgive me that I had personality change at the age of 6, after I contacted viral encephalitis and nearly died. My sister grew up petty and feeling entitled, everything between us was transactional and for years I unwittingly allowed her to take advantage of me over and over again. Now and then my resentment would've boiled over and we would have a fight but through her mind games and gaslighting I'd end up apologising to her. Somehow she became the victim and would make me question reality and my own feelings. 2 years ago in order to protect my sanity I limited our contact and I no longer react to her attacks. She's somewhat aware of her shitness and tries to work on it but in a completely wrong way. She goes to spiritual healers instead of psychotherapy. Then she comes back from her new age bs therapies with the revelations such as "my vibrations are on higher frequency than yours", "I feel the healing properties of crystals", "I see auras now and yours is dark". She is blaming our deceased mum for causing her imaginary depression and orphan syndrome because she didn't breastfeed her log enough. There's literally no end to it. I feel blessed to finally free myself from invisible chains that were crushing me my entire life.
@@odala8245 it’s funny how our stories are so much the same. But you know that the scapegoat are the ones that break free and heal. It wasn’t until my late forties that I looked at myself in the mirror a thought I’m pretty good looking, I don’t look disgusting. We’re just fine and we’ll make where they won’t. Don’t hold resentment, it only taints your future. I have forgiven them all cause bad was done to them and they just didn’t heal. Don’t pass that forward. Forgive but don’t let your guard down. ❤️
There are no words for how impressed I am about this video. I'm currently caring full time for my elderly covert narc mother, and EVERYTHING you said fits her. Amazing.
@@evelynrakos Its better to find out now than 10 years from now. I just discovered this entire topic (narcissism) about 6 months ago and finally know why i have been so frustrated dealing with my brother the last 30 years. Man i wished i knew then what i know now. He fits almost every bullet and example they give. I had no idea what or why he acted the way he did. Every relationship he has ever had has failed. That should have been my first clue. I'm at peace now that i know and understand the disorder.
@@jimmurphy3868 Hi Jim, so nice and comforting to receive your message. Knowing this is such a widespread problem and that my subjugation had been pervasively planned and and executed on me brings inmmediate relief in the sense of: "there was nothing wrong with me", my self - confidence - trust - reality - love was just bullied out of me. These last days have been feeling as in the movie the Matrix, just perceiving reality as it is, and it finally matches, reality and my perception of it. My sister is 3 years older, and I lost my father at age 5. At age 7 I was left with my sister for one year with my also narcissistic grandmother. At age 16 and for 5 years I lived again without parents with my sister. She has had such a big and devastating impact in my life, she has been a total nightmare. For decades I was seeking answers to my sadness and feeling of awkwardness, just not being able to trust myself. I was looking at my parents (no saints at all) but nothing made sense for how I felt. When I saw this video it was like taking the red pill, everything made sense. I felt it not only with my understanding, but with my whole body. A lifelong rage accumulated against my reality being denied and a false one imposed on me so that her bullyng would stop. She is such a malevolent person, and now I also see that the terrible, disconsiderate and egotic husband and son, have been her victims all along. I feel the urge now to protect my 19 year old niece, she will go through exactly the same as I did, and I dont know how to reach out to her because she is so protective of her mother. So, that was autobiographically me. Happy to hear that this knowledge has brought you peace, and hope also more joy in your life. Have a good weekend
This is the most validating video I've ever watched. I can't believe that there is language to describe the patterns and behaviors I've been stuck with for the last five years. The frustration I've felt for my feelings always get hurt and apologizing for it.
My mother is a covert narcissist. Nothing she does is her fault, everything everyone else does is done wrong. The guilt, unending. The blame, the responsibility that I had to carry for this grown woman’s instability for 20 years. I’m ghosting her in 3 days. I’m moving out of her home to somewhere better, somewhere I can live my life as I intend to. I’m not a bad person for wanting to be myself. I’m not “ungrateful” or “disrespectful” for taking up the space I’ve been given. I’m sick of the lies she spins, the words she’ll put in other’s mouths. Nobody thinks I’m as much of a villain as she does. I’m simply existing, the one thing she actually made me to do. How can that be wrong? after these 3 days… it’ll never be a problem again. She’ll only exist in my therapy sessions, and we will never cross paths again.
I wish you all the very best for your life moving forward My mother passed away in February of this year She was a narcissist and I am still suffering the abuse etc. I suffered since a little child I am 68 years old and have been in counselling now for several months I have a wonderful counsellor bless her and will be with her for some time. As well as my mother's abuse (mental physical and emotional) my sister is trying to get back in my life after I walked away from them both 30 years ago next summer for my sanity's sake Not ever going to happen She was a nasty nightmare too She and Mother were both stuck to each other like glue (very unhealthy relationship) she meets up with two of my adult children for "coffee" with her fishing hook trying to find out about me and my husband's family.Playing the victim pretending to be nice so I look the baddy not taking up with her again.I see what she is at People suffering narcissistic abuse go through so much.I will heal it will take time and thank you Darren so much I started to watch your channel and I learn so much from it too Your voice is calming.Lovely to hear a Northern Ireland accent on here too.God bless you.Please take good care of yourselves everyone who is going through recovery from the abuse Lots of self care and you will get through to the other side and get well again and live a happier life.
A really terrific explanation, one of the clearest accounts I have seen. I grew up with two of them. These kinds of people are relentless in deliberately trying to antagonise in order to provoke reactions, just so they can play then howl and whine about what tragic oppressed victims they are. If they fail in obtaining the kind of hostile response they want, they'll then storm off in a howling rage about how they're the big victim of not getting an angry response having spent so much of their precious time and effort in harassing, abusing and intruding. The idea is to then get you to toddle after them trying to make it all better for them. Of course, nothing will ever be good enough for their precious wounded little selves. I'd have said they punch you in the face just because they feel like it and then rage at you for bleeding on the carpet. Their irrational nonsense all boils down to them seeking power over you while reaffirming how deeply hard done by are their bullying arses.
My father in law said that exact thing to me when his daughter and her husband left a BBQ lunch because I was there. He told me they left because I'm there. I was confused, I hadn't said anything. It made me cry. I also get ignored all of the time. They walk by me and also exclude me. It's mean. Please, let me add - I will never "comply" for validation 🥰
Excellent analysis of the different types of narcissists. Thank you! Subscribed. Narcissism is expanding and becoming much more prevalent and accepted in today's modern "Me" culture. Stay alert people, and don't be manipulated.
I was doubting myself and my response to my mum who I believe is vulnerable narcissis. My mum hasn't spoken to me since Dec 2020 after I told her a few home truths. I wish I knew then what I know now.
My wife is having to deal with a 92 year old narcissistic aunt. Having seen your videos, my wife’s eyes have been opened and she now knows how to deal with this coffin dodger and I sincerely thank you for this help. God bless.❤️🙏
My now favorite term for the covert narcissist 70 1/2 year old pos I escaped from. Coffin Dodger !😂🤣😂💣 Please, if you have any more gems like this don't hold back !
I am 51 and married a narc at age 20! I left him at age 23. I jumped in all kinds of relationships that was all narcs! Now I know what it is last few years I can see the signs!! I have a guy love bombing me at the moment! He got mad at me the other day and he did the silent treatment on me! I tell ya once you see it you can’t UN SEE IT!!!!!!
I feel you sister!!! I'm the same age as you and I got married young to a narcissist who was actually psychopathic. It's taken me years and years to recover and I finally see it in men who take interest in me. I cut the last ones out of my life. I ended up having a so called best friend who ended up showing her true colors as a covert narcissist. Because I've always been a tomboy, I did martial arts for years, like to target shoot etc, I never had many female friends. So when this gal came on with her love bombing I was so happy and thought I finally got a female BFF. But I was deceived. Long story short I ended the friendship, had to for my sanity. I wish you the best and stay strong, live your life and love it. Don't let anyone steal your beautiful energy and time, male or female. Cheers!
@@56cadd it is and no one prepared us in life for these things. But as bad as this thing was, I've been thru worse things albeit of another nature. So I'm good and staying positive, mindful of each moment. Cheers
This is the precise reason I define boundaries early on (and the person can choose to accept them or leave if they feel they infringe on their personal being), and always bring them up if I feel they are being trampled on. If a person consistently and persistently refuses to respect them over multiple instances/disagreements, it's time to leave. Do not accept apologies and make it clear that apologies mean nothing only the respect of said boundaries. One thing I learned is these discussions can become derailed (sometimes intentionally so as to evade taking accountability), so it's always important to loop back to the original conversation.
I didn't know a narcissist had the ability to say they were sorry in the first place. Its never happened to me and they will never give a compliment. Got one once in my life and 3 weeks later he said. You know i have been thinking about you buying that cabin, It's probably the dumbest thing you have ever done. 20 yrs later it was the best thing for my wife and i, we enjoy the heck out of the tranquility.
@@jimmurphy3868 In my experience when they do apologize, it is insincere, and they will repeat their behavior but in a different/disguised way. Im happy ur happy with ur cabin :)
WHOAH, BOY AM I GLAD I HAVE BEEN EDUCATED ABOUT NARCISSISM, WHEN YOU KNOW YOURSELF AND KNOW REALITY YOU CAN ESCAPE THIS KIND OF EVIL!!!!! IT IS ASHAME THAT PEOPLE LIKE THIS EXIST, TRULY YOU NEED A EDUCATION TO DEAL WITH CRAP AND CRAZY STUFF LIKE THIS!!!!!! YOU EXPLAINED IT SO VERY VERY WELL, THANK YOU 🙏!!!!!
So useful. I am married to one. He was severely traumatized in childhood, so it all makes sense. Thankfully doesn't meet ALL the criteria, but many of them. Helps me to understand what we are dealing with. He is now getting psychotherapy which I am glad about. Thank you!!
100% accurate. Wow. Figuring out that a friend was a narcissist was the greatest shock and disappointment but I'm glad I got to the bottom of it sooner rather than later and didn't waste any more of my time and energy on garbage. Grateful for these videos that educate and enlighten us. THANK YOU
My gosh!!- someone finally is able to articulate the mechanics of what’s been going on my whole life with a particular individual- Thank you sir- Just hearing you explain it from your POV has been so validating for me... 🙏
This is brilliant stuff. "They point at their face as they weep". Hahaha! Once you see this pathology for what it is you can never be caught up again in the endless agonising chaos that is being in relationship with the covert narcissist. Love your work.
The DISCARD from my covert narcissist was traumatic for me. However, I am so grateful that I learned that his covert NPD was the problem, not me! He almost got away with it. My emotional maturity, empathetic intuition, and self trust has allowed me to come out on the other side, a survivor of psychological covert narcissistic abuse. Thank you for your affirming and informative videos.
Oh my gosh!! Everything you just said has been my experience during my whole marriage. You are sharing my life. The last therapist we saw was the only one who told me that my husband is a narcissist. I am divorcing him now and he’s using every tactic on my way out. After 24 years, I am physically sick, mentally drained, and have nothing left. Thank God he can bring good out of bad. He gives beauty for ashes. I have lots of ashes. What you shared is the best thing I’ve ever heard on this subject! God bless you for sharing truth. I pray other’s will benefit and get out sooner than later.
This is so accurate!! Thank you for sharing! It's very validating that this problem is recognized by others and broken down. Scary enough when individuals are this way. Scarier still when they gravitate together and form organizations under a guise of positivity, and yet destroy the lives of many. I know of a corporation that pretends to be a religion that causes tremendous harm through their shared need to dominate others and gaslight.
I have experienced this. They refuse to take responsibility for their behaviour and things they said that where not true or kind. I've been scapegoated, ignored, blamed, shamed and gaslight by them. I have left the arena. Too painful and no point in continuing. My sanity, happiness and self worth far to important to mess with and I see no hope of improvement. Learning to love myself instead and those that truly love and appreciate me. No games. I got burnt, you can't reason with a narcissit.
This is actually amazing. I think that my Ex used most all of these tactics at different times!! It was such a toxic relationship… Thank goodness I left the situation finally…and cut of all contact. I am, however, expecting him to act out vindictively against me. Give me strength!!! I need to keep my dignity and avoid reacting.
So spot on. My narc friend blamed me for her own crazy behavior and said it was all my fault when she made a small problem big. I told her to do whatever she wants but she couldn't leave it at that. She said that everyone said this and that about me and she is starting to believe them. She always hated me taking pictures and blame me for things I never forced her to do. I'm glad I blocked her before she brought more craziness into my life. I discarded her before she could discard me and she was furious. She said whatever she said must have hurted me so bad that's why I left. More like I booted her crazy ass out of my life. Good riddance. I use grayrock and didn't bother explaining much bc its pointless talking to a childlike person. I feel the more older narcs get the more unstable they become. She is never happy with anything in her life. I'd rather have some peace than to feel like I'm always walking on egg shells around her. I never know what words I say will make her rage. Narcs can't expect us to love them when they don't care about their actions or the hurtful things they say so expect us to leave them and their ugly attitudes.
I agree with that. My sister is a middle aged alcoholic covert narcissist. Both of our parents are deceased and after our mother passed away she lost the only person in the world that ever felt even the slightest amount sympathy towards her. Now she has no one. Maybe a few fake friends or accomplices here and there. No one of any real value unless they’re brainwashed and deluded themselves. I’m fairly confident she will eventually end up perhaps psychotic or schizoid or completely delusional; or a combination of all three perhaps.
Thankyou ,two years after leaving a bad relationship with a covert narcissist I am still learning about tactics used on me. It is good to hear and helps make sense of what was totally non-sensical at the time.
Neither of my parents ever allowed resolutions to happen. Conflict was never allowed. My mother’s go-to response typically, among others, was “oh, that’s all in the past, dear.” What a great way to ensure whatever it is will actually never be in the past but instead remain on your plate indefinitely. Not a single concern that something is eating away at you.
I love the channel just found it... ME: It's not my job to understand or fix them so keeping distance from these people is a better solution. I was not put on this planet just to help people act rational and normal. I can go 7+ years of bliss without talking to family members. TRUE!
This is the kind of narcissist for whom every solution will have a problem. Every goal will have an obstacle. Every Silver Lining will have a cloud. BOOM That's the perfect explanation for what I go through. Thank you.
I have used your information to show family members I was in an abusive marriage. There are a few who are in touch with my ex-husband and believe his lies. At this point I don't care whether they believe me or not. But I know the truth. Thanks for your discussion
I am sorry some members of your family have decided to believe your ex over you. Not at all easy when a narcissist inappropriately inserts themselves into your family relationships.
...are these my feet... 🤣😂 I'm going through it--again--with my mom. I'm 62 years old and it's been the same all my life. We're at the rejecting part of her cycle--she's withholding communication after her barrage of hurtful--terrible words. So I'm back to listening to videos about narcissism and trying to balance and ground myself. It's so sad. I feel so sorry for her. I'm a new subscriber. Thank you for your work.
While it has been 12 years since I ended the 16year horror of the relationship I was in, I still have the occasional nightmare. I have been getting along solo since breaking off ( No it was NOT an easy extraction!) yet am doing well, with the daily relief that I am no longer under the influence of that person. It has been a puzzle that haunts me (what was wrong with me, and what was wrong with my partner?) until now. This series of videos is helping me get a handle on what happened and it is utterly amazing how spot on the behaviors of the Narcissist line up with my former partner's personality, and my experience with them. It is a sad loss of time of course, yet I learned a great deal about how to stick up for myself and the sorts of behaviors to watch out for. Thank you Darren for adding clarity to an experience I've mulled over off and on for all these years.
I have a plethora of examples for each and every of the tactics you mentioned. I've been together with a covert narcissistic woman far too long and one of the things that kept me from leaving were the threats. She would casually mention how she could take the kids and move to another country so I would never see them again. Or how she could hurt herself and tell everyone I was the one who did it. But when she demanded that I scream at my son and tell him to apologize to her after she had been doing that the better part of the day while I was at work, and then explain to my son how he made her act like that, I had enough. I refused and instead comforted him and asked him what his side of the story was. That lead to a week long fight with my now ex and we separated less than a month later. Now, my son never wants to see his mother again if he can at all prevent it. My ex is telling everyone how my son and I are violent and how she was the victim of relentless domestic abuse during all those years. I just wish I knew years ago what I know now.
Divorce her before she divorces you. Better if you do it to her, especially with her already turning the tables on you and your Son. She's sooo pissed how suddenly she's lost the control of your Son and you ! Best Wishes🤍prayers
Never blame yourself. I majored in Psychology and was clueless of converts. Don't go back like I did and guess who is single again. Your not alone, nor are you stupid. Your eyes like mine can see again.
@@darylkik777 Thanks. I've had a lot of therapy and that helped me realize that there's nothing I could have done (besides leaving her years ago) to change the outcome. Even now during the divorce, she still manages to do some mighty impressive mental gymnastics to explain to herself how everyone agreeing with me is against her. Including the kids.
You are right. We didn't have the knowledge about it. I could never have imagined that my partner would manipulate. I even didn't know what this word mean...
Same here. I divorced my ex narcissistic husband basically to protect my kids from him. First I thought that a family kept together would be better for them (in the expense of my happiness). Then I noticed how disastrous that person was for all of us.
Thank you sincerely. This is so relevant in my marriage and has been for over 10 yrs. your video on the covert narcissist female as well as this one are helping to keep my sanity of self intact as I seek to end the marriage. Thank you again.
My narcissistic father showing me child like love bombing(stage one of narcissistic abuse) each and every time with me. He uses excessive admiration and flattery to myself and show excessive love like a 5 years old boy. But i dont react to his love bombing especially i dont react to his child like responses. Actually,its all a trap from the very beginning to get attached myself to abuse but i know this abusive chain and manipulation so i completely ignore that.
My narcisssistic mother use food,house,money withholding threats to control me.they are energy vampires and doing same things with me for years and even decades.when i dont react they increase mental torture like calling local people,getting me out from home etc.I have lots of instrusive thoughts everyday from these abuses.but i cant afford no contact because i dont have job
@@bravodiyemon1757 my moms a schizophrenic narccisistic bipolar witch and my dads got narccisistic personality disorder, a lifetime of completely bizzare abuse. look where its brought me though, my newest video might inspire you to stay stronger
You truly tied up all the loose ends and tied them into a perfect little bow! Perfect behaviour description, perfect explanation of the why ... And why we feel drained, exhausted and almost crazy at times!! Thank you💖
I've lost count how many times I’ve apologized after getting the silent treatment. Thank you for making This video. I can finally prove to myself I’m not crazy. Getting the silent victim treatment right now after he verbally abused me. Not falling for it. I’m enjoying the silence.
One other thing is when they have a valid point/ concern about your behavior that does effect them, no matter how small, they bring it up to you and they really don't care if you have already apologized or offered a solution within the conversation, they will spend an EXCESSIVE amount of time driving their point into the ground and working themselves up until they know you've been thoroughly made uncomfortable or sometimes won't stop badgering you about it until you cry....
Mr. Magee, I only just discovered your channel but it's like you're speaking painful truths right into my heart. I was raised by a vulnerable narcissist who also has other mental health issues, and I keep getting sucked into the lives of other vulnerable narcissists because these people fit the place my mother carved herself. When people show healthy love, it feels like too much- more kindness than we deserve, more affection than we've ever received. My current partner is, thankfully, not this way- but just like myself his mother is. His love was painful and very hard to trust at first, but goodness with each passing month I feel healthier as a person in my mind and in my soul. We've been together 4 years, my longest relationship to date, and it's almost surreal!
I have listened to probably 200 videos in the past 2 years. I am a targeted parent of parental alienation. This is the best one yet to explain how this manipulation happens. Thank you so much!
You are so right about the guilt…after he decided to tell us about his 2 year transactionship with the bimbo, he tortured me for 6 months, and now I finally moved on, he comes back sick, and wants me to drop everything to take care of him!!!! Next level deception, lying, cheating, stealing but now “needs” me. Fk pathetic
They were the bed and blame the blanket. That is the absolute best and truest statement ever. I have a work associate/ friend who exhibits everything you spoke about. Thank you for the clarity!
This describes my GF 100%. Always the most unwell person in the room, and constantly telling everyone who gives her the time of day about her trials and troubles, feeding off their sympathies. "How can you think that of me?" and After all I've done for you" and You don't seem to be grateful of how I support you" - when I'm in 24/7 support for her, cooking / cleaning / dog walking and balancing work even though she's retired. Silent treatment for "You should know what you did". "My greatest fear is I'll die alone" while driving everyone who doesn't 'measure up' away. Sigh.
Have heard all of these phrases growing up and beyond. It does leave you with the feelings for years after . You can know the tactics but still have the feelings and pain. Certainly knowing they are tactics will protect you from further abuse. Thank you again
Yeahhhh... my mom has been diagnosed with Borderline Personaloty Disorder but this all sounds SO familiar. Spot on for her. She told me once when I was a kid that I'd "made her have a heart attack" that she never even had, constantly blamed me and my siblings for her own behavior, and would tell lies about things other people had "done to her" to gain pity, even up to reporting my sister to the police for "elder abuse" that had never happened. She also told our 4 year old cousin that the same sister tried to poison her. At one point I also lived with my other sister. She is definitely a covert narcissist. I have extreme social anxiety and she would purposely pick fights or loudly make comments about my personal life (secrets, etc) in public to embarrass me, because it would make me have panic attacks. I think she liked the sense of control. She once tried to hit me with a golf club during an argument, in which she also threatened to kill herself, and when I threatened to call an AMBULANCE for her because of these 2 things she told me that if I did she would hurt herself and tell them I did it and have the police arrest me. She would constantly say mean things, scream at me, and even physically hurt me at times and then blame me for "making her upset". I had friends abandon me because of lies she told them about me. I no longer live with her and I'm so glad, but she's supposed to be visiting next week and I'm SO anxious. She keeps messaging me how she misses me and she's lonely and can't wait to see me but I have this feeling of DREAD in my stomach 😞
Many of the videos I make are requested by you the viewers. If there are any topics you's like me to cover in the future just leave a comment to let me know.
I have a unique situation. My child (a ward) has a narcissistic parent who has abandoned them but occasionally “pops by” via calling on the mobile or sending a message. They are very abusive verbally and emotionally to their child. I don’t expect a child to understand why this is happening, especially since they suffer from learning disabilities, but I cannot forbid them from contact, and it is very disturbing to witness to say the least. The child understands enough that they know they are being treated poorly and is always left with negative feelings after the “encounter.”
What kind of damage can this cause? How can I manage the situation? Thank you.
I have made videos on parental alienation and co parenting with toxic people if you think they might be helpful
@@DarrenFMagee Do you explain in any of your videos why a covert narcissist may choose one person to blame for their problems or one person they direct their contempt towards?
@@lauram7101 I don’t think I have addressed that specifically but in one I mentioned sometimes they’re punishing others for the pain inflicted on them. In a recent video I discussed how they choose their targets. If you like I’ll make a video on that question
@@DarrenFMagee my parents both are narcissists and pshycopaths also. Especially my mother abuses myself from my childhood through silent treatment,gaslighting,threating,blaming,shaming,guilt tripping every thing but now from six months ago i understands their abuses and started ignoring their tactics. But still verbally insults and threatd wont stopped completely so i am waiting for no contact very soon.
One thing stood out for me, the victim ends up apologizing for how they feel/react after being abused.
Wow, I did that so many times. I am realizing that that may be the cause of all the anger I have stored in me.
Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge freely, people like you are really helping the world with your work.
Me too.
Same.
I have such a hard time processing anger for this reason. If I am/was angry, I am/was guilty of something.
I found physically breaking something (anything) with a hammer or ripping/cutting the 💩 out of cardboard to be pretty therapeutic. All my anger had to go somewhere, and ideally I didn't want to take it out on people... I have spent many hours in the garage crying and screaming while breaking down boxs for recycling. People would ask if I was okay and I would just tell them "yes I am just VERY angry" and they'd leave me to it. It was so out of character for me but I felt so much better after the destruction.
Anyways, I just wanted to send you lots of love and hugs. Your feelings are real and you are not alone. ❤️
Thank you, your observations turned on a lightbulb for me. You’re so correct💗
Read Alice miller.
It's funny how they are all the same. It's like a default personality they all use.
Right?!
@@JaelH7 it makes them quite predictable.
Its true. They all read the same book. I actually thought this particular girl read some how to manipulate men book lol.
Thats honestly what makes it scary , makes it seem its like a parasite type thing a spiritual battle
@@danielbonner8309 dude I would say they must belong to a secret society that has meetings on how to do this crap. Its so not normal but its also so consistent feels like they went to narc academy.
You nailed it. The covert coward narcissists are the worst and most crazymaking.
Yes they are!
Getting the victim to apologise … if it wasn’t so sick it would be funny
This my mother. it is always about her and constant criticism of me. SHUT UP!!!!!
COWARD is the keyword
@@dawndugan6882 Coward and bully … the two go hand in hand
Misery loves company, and the narcissist is miserable. He is a sadist that finds joy in running you in emotional circles. He is jealous of your potential and hates to see you have success. He stops you by becoming your obsession.
She* my narcissist is a she
Oh,this is deep
Yes. 😥
Because if you have succes you made him/her look less than you and he/she can t have that.
You had me right up until the point when you blame the narcissist for stopping you" by becoming your obsession". That is on us....NOT on the narcissist.
I caused the worst night of her life by telling her over the phone that how she is behaving is unacceptable, disrespectful and harsh. They are so convincing and without blinking or thinking. All the abusive and manipulative behaviors come natural for them. It's scary. And I still have moments where I start to doubt myself and feel afraid and insucure thinking that I might be the crazy one and the one to blame.
Don't confront, just run
"Give me what I want, or I'll suffer, and it will be all your fault." Thank you SO much for explaining this!!! Maybe their lack of emotional well-being isn't my fault after all - even though they assure me it is.
Exactly, we suffer with my sister , she graduated from college and couldn't go to interviews, she blamed us for her fear , even though we were super supportive and motivated her to watch videos and face her fear , but when a company calls her and she doesn't respond and we say why , she starts shouting and blaming my parents, ( she's 25 btw) , then my parents decided to send her study in Germany, she agreed , a week ago she wanted to change the school where she learns german , my father said no , cuz the one she's in is great , but she lost her temper and started crying and screaming in her room when we ignored her ( cuz it's always like that , the crying and screaming) she came to us in the living room , pretended like she's going to faint and started screaming and saying all bad words to my mother and told her I'll keep doing this to get the attention I want , she's soooooo toxic and she made our lives miserable.
It never was your fault. They, however, convinced you it was. I was also convinced it was my fault. I believe I dated the perfect storm of someone who has BPD and comorbid with NPD. Due to my codependency I wanted to fix it or take the blame just to smooth things over. Never again.
@@ryant6134 I can totally relate to this!
Our oldest son is a narcissist. He is 25 and homeless now. He has always been hard to deal with. He always claims he doesn’t get any help, we love the younger kids more. He has had way more help from us and his grandfather than any other grandkids. We pay his debts and buy his things but it’s never enough. We stopped paying and now he’s living in his truck. (Paid for by Grampa) He always tells my wife she should have had an abortion, he should drink drain cleaner, he should drive his truck into a tree. I also use the saying “he has a problem for every solution “ I’ve washed my hands of that toxic person
And you don’t deserve my son who loves me so much he will die without me, literally, and when I die he’ll die too. It’s a level of insanity I hadn’t ever seen before. There are therapists in my biological family, but I don’t talk to family. Objective therapy is better. I’ve had a good therapist but listen to Dr. Magee all the time. Thankful for his posts!
SPOT ON descriptions of the covert narc. I spent 54 total years with a clinically diagnosed covert narc (48 married). I am FREE of this monster for 5 years. PEACE is upon me.
I am free after 19 years
Me after 27!
Congrats, that is wonderful. It gives hope.
Wow... Sorry to hear that
54 years! My god, I take my hat off to you - I'm so glad you are now free. Mine is not diagnosed (he barely goes to the doctor let alone therapy - he "doesn't need therapy, you're the one that needs it"). But I stumbled across Debbie Mirza's "The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist" after googling my husband's behaviour in desperation (together 12 years, married six) and wept for hours realising I finally had an answer.
"Im.sorry you feel that way" the non-apology-apology
Translates to - I’m sorry you can feel more than me
How about never apologizing?
@@CK-ul2ut Right! A narcissist will never say sorry/ make an excuse or apologize for their own behaviour. That's what NPD is all about!
My Golden 'sister' trots out with that one!
Yep “sorry you were upset this morning” 🙄 when they were the one putting me down. Good thing I knew what fake apologies sound like.
"They wet the bed and blame the blanket."
I will remember that quote forever.
Thank you for this video. It really helps.
Good one 😮
My mother trained me to misery. The more miserable I became, the happier she was.
Really? I have the same experience! I still struggle to feel joy or happiness because it makes my mom sick. If I am one day happy, the next day I feel very bad, without any real reason, like regretting feeling something prohibited, doing sin by being joyful. It is a roller coaster of feelings without that anything special has happened.
@@sannajohanna5579 I hope you can feel elated when when your mother is dead and can't hurt you again. Pretend she is dead right now so you can feel again. Start paving over you memories of her and the hurt she never stops heaping on you. Feel the weight lift off your heart. Love yourself. Until then I will pray for you and you can pray for me.
@@gregpendrey6711 Thank you. I decided that I do not have to wait for her death. I simply accept to be a „bad“ daughter and just live my life and not take responsibility of her condition. Since I was 10 yesrs old and she was garly 40, I renember this gane began. When I was unhappy or needed something or as a child, complained, my mom said:“You must be nice to me because I die soon!“
Well. I am 57 and she isnot dead. All these decades I waited that she does what she says (dies)- but she did not.
Imagine!
I‘ve done cord cuttingmeditatiobs and it has helped me. Nowadays I have no contact, even she tried with all weird systems to „get ne back“. Yes, she used the words:“We GOT you!“
And it was the monentcwhen I decided: „No, you did not „got“ me. You just destroyed my dreams oretending that you „helped“ ne, but what you say about „getting me“- reveals everything.
Fortunately my uncle, the brother of mymon had same kind of experiences about her than I do. It isfantastic to find someone who sees the system of the family.
Holy cow! Explained my relationship with my mother and I unreal. I'm still a miserable person cause i learnt it thru her
I've seen my husband fly into a rage because I was in a good mood. I've basically actively trained myself to be quiet and not enjoy myself too much. What a horrible way to live.
Really describes the man I tried to please for years and drained me and left me feeling empty
A soft hearted person can really be used by this type of person and must learn to honor their own self
Yes, definitely!!!
True that!
Please help me
Cuz he knows hes a covert narcissistic/machiavellianistic. And shows he wants to change, and then continues to do things that leaves me so confused...
Yes it's hard for a soft person but gotta learn how to be strong and firm. They know u r soft hearted and they take advantage of that to get fuel.
Or my personal favorite when he's been called out for his behaviors is "how can you say that? Everything I do is for you." Yeah, right! Everything he does is for him & only him!
My narc mom uses that one all the time
Or how can you say that after all ive done for you
🙆🙉🙈🙊😖
OR "i don't remember saying that" doing that, etc., etc.
True that!!! I am empathetic towards most things. I have Absolutely no sympathy towards these people simply because They KNOW what they do.
A great summary for anyone who feels lost and bewildered in a relationship that is with a covert Narcissist. I would only add that they will refuse to be truly open and vulnerable with you when you are trying to work out your problems. Also any information you give them will be used against you as they justify your lack of value.
Great way to explain it, and fits my situation perfectly. It was difficult for me to differentiate between whether she was intentionally being a garbage human being...or of there was actually something wrong with her.
@@blueprince2330 The best thing for me when dealing with it was not to take it personally. They are not viewing things in the same way. They just don't get it. You can beat yourself up over doing this and that at different times but you're not dealing with someone rational. Forgive yourself.
@@Adam-xs3ng she had an affair before she divorced me, and I shouldered ALL the blame before I came out of the fog. It took a while to realize that it had nothing to do with me. Thanks for the advice, man....I owe you a beer. 🍺
@@blueprince2330 I caught my wife preparing for affair. Online flirting, suggesting I was just a problem to get out the way. Covid restrictions hit and she could not see out her plan to meet her online man. Is called her out but when someone's cheats I'm done. I still feel some days that I've as abandoned her but she checked out a long time ago. I'm gonna take a year to be alone and work on myself and heal.
@@blueprince2330 ps look at your past relationships, I see now that I am a rescuer of damsels in distress. This is not healthy. Lots of sorted women out there how have there shit together who are looking for an equal partner.
My mum is 84 and I’m 53 and only recently through therapy I now see her as a covert narcissist and she plays the poor old me and turns on the tears very easily but then when she get’s what she wants she turns off the tears and moves on. leaves me feeling awful for causing it and she’s “over now, move on”. But also as you say “how could my son treat me like this. I brought you into the world” She treats my brother though as the golden child and I now see I am the scapegoat. Sorry is not in her vocab and my brother gets all the praise and financial help, I get abuse, “poor old me” and no financial gifts, although she insists she treats us the same and get’s very defensive when I point out she doesnt. & my brother is “how can you treat mum like this”. She’s broken me, but therapy is keeping me sane & your videos help too. Thank you.
Good luck… my brother is supportive of me.. I’m 60, with the same age mother… I hope you learn to distance yourself 🥰
My mother is a covert narc. She abused me like how Darren described, when i was kid. It messed up my head big time. Always had to be people pleaser. Never show any emotions to anyone. Other people's feelings and needs comes first. Thanks to therapy and watching youtube vids like these I have come to understand why and how I was so lost and miserable all these years.
❤️
And the Grandkids , save me, I moved out at 17 . Baby sitter She was , then the Kids grew and the Real Monster 👹👹 came out, Uncaring about anything but Themselves. I can't take the Pain. She was Bitter and Hid it with her Fake Smile. Victimized by Spoiled , Selfish Brat's. Thanks for sharing.
Carpe diem, Elmer! Welcome back to your self and may you flourish and prosper.🙏🏽
You explained me and my relationship with my victim like narcissist mother. Boy is she an expert at being a victim and making others feel sorry for her. I despise her. I have to regain me, the person i was never able to develop.
Same here. It can get better, I've done many years of work and I'm not really a fawning boundariless people pleaser anymore. But get ready for hardcore work for quite a while.
The play dumb , manipulate , sneaky. Stab you behind your back . It’s cruel . Best to keep well away completely
The Covert Narcissist play stupid, weak, victim, complaining about the same things over and over and over again. They really are Pathetic and annoying.. However, they are mean and sneaky as hell: Enjoys knowing they caused you harm or pain:,
I saw the game and Reversed everything and then Discarded that Pathetic Vampire! Never again. Bigass 6’3 athletic type acting like that:.Just freaking Stupid as hell! What a waste of time!
Wonderful video! Narcissists are human wrecking balls and I'm so grateful you are shedding some much needed light on their dark ways.
they love to say "that makes no sense" when they don't want to accept responsibility.
I literally had a narc friend that was telling me that there’s things I’ve done in the past that have upset her. I asked what they were so I know not to do it again. And she replied “I don’t know what they were I can’t remember.” I was like well now I feel like I’m walking on eggshells and I don’t know what I’m doing to upset you.
She then went around and told everyone that I was gaslighting her. Honestly,
I was losing my mind.
Dump your “friend” like yesterday’s garbage and never speak to them again. Free yourself.
It sounds as if you’ve moved on, and that’s great! You make an important point, which is that friends can also be narcissistic.
Well they're obviously not upsetting her now. Its on her to let go of past hurts that are not relevant to her now.
Not your friend or ever were your friend
She chose u to be her friend so she could exercise her dominance over
That "friend" is playing mindgames and is enjoying the fact she has you in some form of control wondering what it was that you supposedly have done to make her upset.
I know a wonderful game that will benefit you the most when played with those kind of people, it's called GREY ROCK.
Also known as IGNORE/ NO CONTACT.
You'll win everytime.
I put you on a pedestal. My covert narcissist said that to me once. I said - Don’t ever put me on a pedestal. You are spot on.
‘Welcome to my world’ is a fave of my hubby - when I’m at a low.
Omg my mum does this all the time!
OMG my brother says that all the time
OMG! The fiegning confusion! That was was what my mother always did. Whenever I confronted her about the simple details about her inconsistencies and ask her to please explain, she would freak out and cry, "You're confusing me! You're confusing me!"
I could never understand how simple facts could be confusing to her.
So now I get it! She was making a feeble last ditch effort to avoid responsibility for her actions.
Yup, my mother says "I don't remember this" - implying it didn't happen and I am in the wrong. Now I just don't engage in long conversations with her. "Yes, no, I don't know". I am sure it pisses her off to not have someone to manipulate, but tough luck.
Did you ever hear: "That never happened! You must have DREAMED IT!". 😳
@@sharonthompson672 Yes, I did. And often. The crazy making that everything that I experienced was supposedly my illusion.
@@sharonthompson672 This concept of crazy making was artfully portrayed in the movie "Tommy" (from rock band The Who) in 1975. (See episode on UA-cam: "What about the boy?")
The movie is based on how Tommy becomes psychosomatically deaf, dumb and blind because his mother and step-father forbade him his awareness that he witnessed his father being killed. "You didn't see anything! You didn't hear anything! You won't tell anyone!"
This is of course symbolic, but helps us to see how many of us have been subjected to being denied our reality just because our parents didn't want to take responsibility for what they did to us.
i remember how the last argument i had with her... it was extremely obvious what was wrong, i even showed her proof. But then she started acting all confused all of the sudden, and all of the sudden she had no brain capacity and a headache and her legs hurt and she was in so much pain... ALL BECAUSE OF AVOIDING IT. I remember how many times i cried just because it was so frustrating, i knew that she knew it, but she just wouldnt admit it no matter what, its the most annoying feeling in the world.
After that i broke up with her a few days later, bets decision of my life. 2 months away from her and im glad i left. Even when i showed her proof of her cheating on me and another guy at the same time she got mad at me for "attacking her out of nowhere" and all over she was the victim... It really feels like dealing with a child, and in many cases (which i regret) i would get so frustrated that i called her a child, and that was the worst mistake ever... Now she had a hold on me, she was the victim.
So exhausting, i still cant even comprehend half of what she did to me without getting a brain fog, its so hard to explain to someone (for example a therapist) what ive been through, when i barely even know half of the stuff myself as i was brainwashed.
Sorry to anyone thats also been through this, just know that the mental anguish you felt will give you experience in life, and you'll grow stronger by it mentally, maybe not in the relationship itself, but later in life.
One I heard several times was, "I've sacrificed so much for you."
Near the end of our relationship, the projection and triangulation was in full swing. I think it's because she knew I was onto her. The very last tactic she tried was blaming me for her not being able to find someone else to date in the future.
It's wild how much of this is shared across experiences.
Mine said the same thing, she said because of you even though I like someone I am resistant being close to them
“After all I’ve done for you? This is the thanks I get?
Silent treatment is the worst. My mother is a covert narcissist I went to dinner at her house. She was talking to my sons, my sister and her son, and when I added to the conversation she blatantly ignored me. In the old days I would’ve said, “mom please don’t ignore me, don’t be mad at me what’s wrong?” Instead I left, and have been no contact for 6 months. O’m done.
Good for you. Take care of yourself--no one else will.
Yeah, I grew up with her ignoring me this type of way within the family.
Sometimes that is indeed the best option..... Narcissists usually never change.....😘
Guess shes scapegoating you now since she cant get to you. Badmouthing yoy to everyone who lends an ear.
Can’t believe you actually said that smh never talk to that POS again please !
This is the most accurate set of examples I’ve seen for how my partner behaves and treats me. For the past four years he has faked illnesses down to pretending to have seizures, being in the hospital for brain swelling, and is now blaming everything that he does or has done on an intellectual disability that he hasn’t been fully diagnosed with. I’ve said to counselors that it’s so confusing because I’m used to people being outright cruel or very open with their intentions even if they’re bad. But the things he does are so sneaky it makes me question if I’m the problem constantly.
These people do not care to truly understand you or listen. Never asking for clarification, they just don’t care.
Wet the bed, blame the blanket, awesome comment, so funny!
They fart they say it’s you😂
My ex best friend is a covert narcissist. The first time I moved away from her I didn’t understand what a covert narc was so I couldn’t put my finger on it but I just knew I felt drained every time I had a conversation with her.
We didn’t speak for 2 years then I gave the friendship another chance because I thought she may have been in a bad place in her life at the time… BIG MISTAKE. The covert friend began to grill me with a lot of personal questions to try and use against me at a later date in a narcissistic rage. She would ask me questions then a few days later ask me the same question to see if I gave the same answer…I guess this was her building her case against me lol.
I began working out really hard in the gym she hated it because she is very overweight and would try from every angle to place negativity on the gym I went to, the food I was eating how often I trained. Even Jlo who I aspired to look like as I have a similar body shape…I mean come on who hates on jlos body lol.
She seemed fixated on the past and an ex boyfriend she hadn’t seen in over a decade she even said she had piled on the weight so she wouldn’t appear attractive to other men because she felt like she was betraying her ex that she hadn’t seen in over a decade. (The guy is also married has 3 children and lives in France and we live in the U.K) After trying to help her move on numerous times I told her it’s not healthy to be talking about a guy from 11 years ago.
A few days later she went into a narcissistic rage and tried to tear down my character and twist truths through all those questions she had been asking me she did this through a 12 paragraph message. Her craziness was shocking and the hate she spewed towards me made me close that door for good. She the. 10 days later bombarded me with another 6 paragraphs of utter rammel she sent the messages one by one over a period of 2 hours . The messages didn’t even make sense she even cancelled her own argument through her raging 😡 txts. 🤷🏽♀️.
She had a problem when I spent time with family
She tried to shame me if I met up with other friends
She would indirectly insult the gifts my boyfriend bought which were Gucci and designer perfumes lol
She tried to act as if she had an emergency every time I had a happy event such as family party or baby shower
She said I had no morals because I’m a friendly person and know men from my gym 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
She had a problem with me learning online I guess because videos like this help me understand what a narcissist is lol.
She even had the audacity to message me a few days later like nothing had happened and how I was the bad guy for not wishing her a happy birthday 😮😮😮😮 these people are sick we have to understand this BLOCK and get on with your life 🥰
That's awesome you can lay it all out. Alot of the time it's hard to even explain
I am so sorry for your bad experience. I had a very similar experience with a number of Narc frenemies. They are truly sick and evil. ❤.
Well done for walking away ❤
Sounds like my ex in toxic friend form. She called me a "friend lover" and "You would rather be with your friends than a real woman" smh. She knew if I wasn't with her I was either by myself or with friends/family. Period!
Yes, narcs weaponize all personal information. Rule #1 for me = give them zero information. They will twist and leverage anything against you.
Funny you mention the gym stuff because my covert narc mom is the same way. She always shames any little perceived flaw about someone.
When we were in the gym, she doesn’t try or know what she’s doing yet always has all these remarks. If I’m serious about weightlifting, she’s like “you look like you’re in pain.” If I’m working hard, she’s like “you’re still breathing hard” or "did that wear you out?"
Then she got offended because I eat brown rice a lot - “All you eat is brown rice.” (Lie)
Then I work on the computer and she makes snide remarks about how I spend too much time on the computer. Then she doesn’t like the size of my house.
And ALWAYS fishing around for financial information. She’s men for money her whole life and always plays the victim to try to get money, and loves gossiping about people’s finances.
Any little thing will get a comment. They’re know-it-alls and always try to collect info and press buttons. It’s how they can control and manipulate.
Later over text she manipulatively lied in just awful disgusting ways in a fit of narcissistic rage. That’s when I finally connected the dots and realized how deeply disturbed she is.
My narcissist husband (soon to be ex) always gets "ofended" by whatever I say. In this video your are making a portrait of him.
Thank you so much for clarifying important issues that I already perceived, but I was not capable of putting two and two together. As a narcissist victim, we are so deeply involved that it makes us blind at times.
“It’s not my fault, it’s my anxiety” 🤯🤯 damn this one hit so hard so 🎯🎯🎯spot on. Favorite phrase almost ever time!
My daughter loves to pull the anxiety card whenever I feel used, abused and manipulated. Goodbye darling. I’m done. Go yank someone else’s chain.
@@beaglerescue5281 💯💯
The "I can't believe you think I am that kind of person" is a classic phrase my ex used to say if I called him out on a negative behaviour. He would look at me so sincerely like it was the end if the world when saying it too. I used to end up apologising to him for calling him out. Really weird.
So glad that relationship ended.
I relate to this a lot. I can't talk to my partner about any issues or hurt feelings without him turning it around so I have to comfort him. It's exhausting, so I don't bother talking to him about any problems or negative emotions I have anymore.
@@NoticeMeSenpaiii I'm sorry you are experiencing that, and you feel the need to censor yourself. Wishing you peaceful resolutions.
@@NoticeMeSenpaiii I'm experiencing the same thing lately 🥺 then he blames me no longer talk or have a good conversation with him...sigh
.. you are not alone...I feel you
When a difficult childhood means your a people pleaser who hates conflict as it makes you very anxious it plays right onto thier hands. Though I knew what was being said wasn't reasonable I never saw it as calculated and abusive and kept trying to smooth things over a time.
@NoticeMeSenpaiii I experience this all the time ‘ending up comforting the person who is abusing me’ so insane.
It never ceases to amaze me how they all fit the same mold. I have heard these exact phrases along with their variations as I’ve gone gray rock. They weaponize your caring against you.
Fabulous video. My 99 year old mother is a covert narcissist. Yes, I've had a tough life but am very content now. Haven't seen her in 15 months and don't plan to. I'm not being vindictive, just taking care of me.
Same here!!
This is so spot on, my jaw is on the floor … haha. I can chuckle because I’m out of a 40 yr marriage to a covert Narc. Life is beautiful now, and my kids are totally supportive of me. I am so grateful.
I'm in a 40 year marriage with a covert narcissist that is making life hell. I finally decided to no longer engage because I know if I do he's just going to be abusive, manipulative, etc. and so his bullying and playing the victim has escalated. I'm not financially independent, yet. But I'm getting out of this marriage. I have to.
@@annebodee it is the financials that usually keeps us in so long. I developed health problems and needed insurance. Live a completely separate life til you can get out. Don’t cook for him, laundry, errands, nothing. Counselor called it ..in-home separation. Separate bedrooms and if you can, separate areas of house. Just some suggestions.. you may be doing already. Do it secretly though… subtly now out. Hope you can be free soon !
OMG. I lived with this behaviour from my sister for as long as I could remember until I drew a line in the sand when my daughter turned 1 and my sister tried to make trouble for her birthday and then made it about her. That was ‘it’ and I gave her a warning and then when she refused to stop I went ‘no contact’. My daughter is 14 now and it was the best decision I ever made. It gave us peace! I love your channel and your easy to understand explanations 🌸
Every behavior I mean every, you have described is as if you were a fly on the wall experiencing the covert narcissist in our life. Even your specific examples are right on point. Feigning illness, hypersensitivity to criticism, guilting, blame shifting, lack of empathy, entitled, innocent, victimization, never responsible ( even for their own behavior), gaslighting, disagreeable, manipulative, vindictive, delusional, in denial, word salad, acting confused, triangulation, invalidating, silent treatment, stonewalling, devaluing, passive aggressive, emotional vampires, you never feel good enough, spoiled child.
Other behaviors prevalent in my covert narcissist are untruths and masters of manipulation of half truths, seething anger, raging anger , projection , constantly criticizing others and bullying. Also a constant need for validation aka narcissistic supply. Thank you for this episode!
Exactly narcissist are clones. The stories are almost the same across the board. Scary and demons in the flesh🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃
@Bruce...dear god Bruce...the lady who I loved and cared for and would have crawled half way round the world on hands and knees for, displayed all of your examples during our relationship...what a fool I was, in hindsight...a codependent, I'm sure...but, by God, I know now I was subjected to toxic emotional abuse and I'm paying for it...whether ptsd or whatever, it has affected me emotionally, mentally and physically ( high blood pressure)...still trying to tear myself away from the good memories, but it is so hard...remembering the bad ones helps and this video is a comfort of sorts as well...she now has her legs wrapped around her next victim! The poor man...I wish him well...as for her, I just wish she had the balls to face up to what she is suffering from, and DO something about it...I feel sorry for her...a beautiful woman with a good heart, but a mind that has been warped throughout her childhood by forces outside her control...just soooo frustrating to know the issue but not being in a position to help...🙈😖😫...no contact hurts but it's better than the shit I endured when we did text...what an awful ugly sad mess...!!!
@Brice Yama, All those awful traits and to think I was convinced I had the problem! How they truly F with your head and turn the tables! I wish I knew all this when I was going through it instead of after the fact.
@@LW-wg4ny Just imagine getting to 60 years old and experiencing a narcissist for the first time. I just knew I hit the jackpot. Got engaged and the ex narcissist fiance was the worst and most scariest person I encountered. Talk about traumatized, but God go me out and healing pretty good 🔥🔥🔥💪💪💪🙏🙏🙏
This is word for word my ex.
All of it. Had a heart attack from the crazy-making ordeals that were very consistent over years and years.
This one is very tricky for me. I am a child of two narcissists who is also autistic. A lot of these covert narcissist traits are things that I do, but for very different reasons due to being on the spectrum - being overloaded by noise or conflict, needing to shut down and withdraw, being sensitive to criticism, etc. I know that some of these things are affected by learned behaviour from how I was raised, but I think it might be important to recognize that there is a lot of overlap between the two, with the intent behind it being different for each case.
I am so glad you brought this up and acknowledge it, that is very brave and shows great self-awareness. I am married to someone on the spectrum but neither of us knew it for many years and all the narcissistic behaviors did quite a number on my health because of the sheer stress of not understanding what the heck was going on. Autism/Asperger’s goes hand in hand with these symptoms BUT self-awareness, such as what you wrote, creates a whole different dynamic within a relationship . I could go on and on but instead requested a video on this very subject.
Don’t worry-the intent is different, people that truly care about the truth of a person can tell ❤️❤️
Difference is, an autistic person once they are told they are doing something hurtful is mortified. Truly narcissistic people with autism or without just don't care
Word salad is the most frustrating thing they do.
“Does something in their own best interest; something the narcissist just doesn’t like.” 🎯😞
I am 62 years old and just now finally stood up to my narcissistic mother and claimed my life back. My mother is 92 and has all her faculties, is healthy as hell, and is sharp as a tack. No pitiful old lady here, although she wants people to see her that way and like a puppeteer has the family dancing around her like puppets. I’ve always been the scape goat, calling her to task on her behavior and of course I am “hateful”. I was blamed for being born and ruining her life, etc. you know the drill if you’re watching this video. Anyway I encourage you all to really work at healing, watch these types of videos and read books , a great one is “Stop caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist - How to End the Drama and Get on with Life” by Marsalis Fjelstad ”. It really helped me. Good luck.
62 too, I just ceased contact. Sometimes absence is the wisest choice. My mother is 85.
Life is the best teacher.
I had to look at the name in the comment because I thought I wrote it!!! Same here ! exact ! My brother keeps telling me I crazy ( 10 years older). I never even saw him growing up ! What does he know? She loves him to death! Me? I am a piece of shit! Same thing- I called her out years ago on her behavior. Held it against me ever since. me 61 mother 90.
You sound like me.
I am 62. My mother's 85. I ceased contact. I agree and say often that life is the best teacher. Indeed!
Well done, friends. I'm 38 and said ceased with my mother 3 years ago. Worth it.
This is bizarre! I'm also 62, mom 92. Exact! Look at these comments! We could start a club! 😆👍❤️ Also no contact. I gave it the old college try. All the out of staters no contact. One sibling, nearby, careful contact.
Word for word I have experienced all this. Yet this narcissist presents so well that people can’t believe this has happened
Same here, trust me I thought I was getting it the worst and never thought another person would be mentally capable to do these types of things but the more I read ans look online the more I see the same patterns and behaviour I'm seeing right now at home
I give up trying to get people to think anything of me too, that hurt the most. It breaks my fucking heart, I have to pretend and say it doesn't but it's very sad. Have to stay strong though, never give up and never commit suicide 💪
I was married to one of these clowns. When you finally get out, usually they leave yoy, you say what the hell just happened to me. ??.who am I?? Then you get addicted to learning about narcicism..you're never the same again, in a good way and a bad way. Knowledge so it never happens again But you also don't trust trust just about anybody.. Thank you for the video!
I pray for the narc to leave me every day I'm so fed up
Soooo true
You have literally just described the last 3 months since my break up she left me and I'm bewildered
This. Reading Alice miller Will probably help you. Gréât Day
That's so true, can't seem to trust any nice person you meet anymore. A red flag goes up.
I'm thinking my mother was a covert narcissist... every time I tried to bring up something she'd said or done to me she say... (whilst fake crying) "oooh you're upsetting me now". She often threaten to commit suicide when I was a teen, pretend she'd overdosed once and got her boyfriend to come and get me, for me only to find she was just drunk and asleep! I could go on, but I won't ... she died years ago but my life was badly affected by her. I married 2 more like her, and now I'm finally clued in... so I guess that was the purpose. Love yourself, and don't let anyone devalue you, set boundaries and watch for red flags! Great video new subscriber.
I’ve experienced all of those. This is so spot on. It’s like my soul was swallowed by a black hole. To make matters worse, not only did she have all of these symptoms but she was also diagnosed with borderline. So imagine getting all of this treatment but then the abuser feeling genuine shame, inevitably tugging at your heart strings bringing you back into her lair only to be engulfed again by the darkness. It’s the closest thing to hell I’ve ever experienced.
My mom was a covert narcissist, and I finally stood up to her and insisted on having my own life and not doing what she wanted. She finally was so upset that I was moving away and not going to take care of her(after she resisted all suggestions of hiring in homecare or moving into a care home). She ended up deciding not to eat and three weeks later died. I had no idea! I left her at the hospital thinking she would go home with my Dad and he would make sure she had the food and medicine she needed, but he only did what she said, and never intervened. He never even told me she was dying! Just called me after she had passed away. Then he went manic because he's bipolar, only my mom took him off meds because she didn't believe in them! But since she died, I have finally felt free to live my own life.
Sorry for my rude words: the trash took it out itself. She did you a favour. Perhaps the only thing she ever did for you.
Thank you!! My sister has an asymmetrical, contemptuous smirk that pops up when ever she feels insecure, upset or in the shadow of someone/sth. Hardly noticeable, but it always put me in a state of dissonance. She also uses pity-play repetitively to coerce people to do sth for her! If she gets what she feels she deserves, what she should have gotten long ago, she pretends she knows nothing: “Oh that's kind of sad, we never got the package!” When I later happened to see photos of her children jumping around the garden in the very jackets I bought and sent them, she snapped: "You mean those saggy parkas? Sweetie, that's second hand from our neighbors!" It took me years to finally realize that both of my sisters behave highly narcissistic and that my family would never ever let me out of the scapegoat role!
For sure ; that contemptuous smirk !!!!! ( so well put ). Definitely have encountered this from mother-in - law . Never really fully understood it until recently being educated on it . They all follow the same playbook .
Evil is unoriginal.
@@mrfake675 100% FACTS! Nothing new under the sun.
They seem pathologically imbalanced on multiple levels! Vexatious & vexating!
Go back and look at family photos you will see that smirk. My brother and I went through hundreds with the nister's picture smirk in 90%, nothing in 9% 1% genuine smile (she must have just hurt some one when that one was taken).
They sure love the attention they get by creating chaos. I wish I knew this waaaay earlier
These types never grow because they never take responsibility. It's all about avoiding responsibility and not becoming autonomous. You're in a dependent position. It's a valid position for a dependent child , however not for an adult. We're truly dependent as infants. But life is about responsibility and independence. Instead of getting themselves to get what they want, they get others to. Instead of fixing a meal, they pray that their god will fix one for them. A responsibility avoidance tactic, in which you never grow up.
Goerge Simon points out how this stuff is about responsibility avoidance. In reality, responsibility is what got us here in the first place. Responsibility is the reason that we are all here today. Responsibility is the stuff of life. It's only phychopaths that deny this fact. They'll do anything to avoid responsibility, including blaming you for their own faults.
You express this perfectly - they won't accept responsibility, and they won't become autonomous.
What this amounts to: they are parasites.
Precisely!
Yes! They never progressed beyond some year in their childhood and they don't Want to! My 19 year old son with high functioning autism is a thousand times more mature than the narcissistic former'best friend' I recently got away from.
This sounds like me somewhat, the difficult part is that I’ve been having health issues for years which affects my life 24/7 that has never resolved since getting deathly ill at 17 and the same a second time. All I’ve ever wanted is understanding and support only when required. However, I got married to someone that seems like a covert Narcissist as well. As a youth I wasn’t taught how to take care of house things like a normal schedule of chores and cooking etc. I told my ex and she knew everything as I told her I was lacking those skills but had other skills also. Unfortunately she belittled me when “teaching me” and would start yelling at me as I also have ADHD and had difficulty multitasking cooking and chopping things for example and this frustrated her greatly. After a few attempts at teaching cooking she couldn’t handle the stress and eventually at the end of another big argument she said I’ll take care of it as I love caring for family etc. Fine. But as the relationship went on she did this same with the other household to things on how I was doing it because of certain stresses I had, but instead of encouragement she would make fun of all of these things including to her friends and family. After a while it was basically I was the joke, yet was still doing other things to balance things. Now with ADHD it’s also difficult to control impulses and organization and schedule so that brought her stress as well. After the break up the cooking thing is still difficult for me and I’ve greatly improved as I had started cooking for her once a week to try again but there was usually a problem with timing and needing to be specific. Anyway, all this to say is at some point I believe I may have become partly narcissistic because of the rejection I had as a result and still struggling with some things but improved. God bless
That's how I feel I be feeling so drained and when you feel so drained like that you be tired and sleepy and depressed then they call me lazy
So spot on, you verbalise their tactics so well....and I love your humour ..'Are these my feet?!' No wonder we end up questioning our sanity!! Thank you, a great synopsis.
I was born to a narcissist mother, I grew up with narcissists and dysfunctional behaviors. I thought this was normal behavior, I thought other people were weird. It was confusing. When I had children I tried to change and do things differently but it wasn’t until a very destructive overt narcissist came into my life, he came at me so hard and almost alienated me from my children and left me a pile on the floor that I hit bottom and wanted change so bad that I started intense therapy. Do five and a half years with the first three doing EMDR twice a week, deep diving into myself. Not trying to change anyone, just me, who I was and who I wanted to be. BUT unknown to me I became involved with a covert narcissist, I was not used to that kind. Boy did he try and derail me and the crazy making was off the charts. But I was determined and I have succeeded, we are not together because he could not handle my healing and the fact he couldn’t stop it. But coverts are by far the most destructive and sly type of narcissist out there. You can’t see them coming, wolves in sheep’s clothing. I pray for all that have been entrapped by them, they are hard to get released from, 🙏🏻
boundaries
🙏
In my case it took 39 years to finally work out what was the problem with my sister. I'm so resentful that all those years I walked on eggshells around her, pandered to her wants and needs, I put her over my own child and husband.
I was conditioned to be a people pleaser since my early childhood. We were treated like that by our grandma, she was the golden child, always given the first choice, we were pitted against each other and she was always perceived by gran as better than me in every way. I was the stupid and ugly one, a failure, she could do no wrong. Grandma had a very strong influence on our lives, we lived in the same house and she ruled there with an iron fist. Last year gran confessed that she couldn't forgive me that I had personality change at the age of 6, after I contacted viral encephalitis and nearly died.
My sister grew up petty and feeling entitled, everything between us was transactional and for years I unwittingly allowed her to take advantage of me over and over again. Now and then my resentment would've boiled over and we would have a fight but through her mind games and gaslighting I'd end up apologising to her. Somehow she became the victim and would make me question reality and my own feelings.
2 years ago in order to protect my sanity I limited our contact and I no longer react to her attacks. She's somewhat aware of her shitness and tries to work on it but in a completely wrong way. She goes to spiritual healers instead of psychotherapy. Then she comes back from her new age bs therapies with the revelations such as "my vibrations are on higher frequency than yours", "I feel the healing properties of crystals", "I see auras now and yours is dark". She is blaming our deceased mum for causing her imaginary depression and orphan syndrome because she didn't breastfeed her log enough. There's literally no end to it. I feel blessed to finally free myself from invisible chains that were crushing me my entire life.
@@odala8245 it’s funny how our stories are so much the same. But you know that the scapegoat are the ones that break free and heal. It wasn’t until my late forties that I looked at myself in the mirror a thought I’m pretty good looking, I don’t look disgusting. We’re just fine and we’ll make where they won’t. Don’t hold resentment, it only taints your future. I have forgiven them all cause bad was done to them and they just didn’t heal. Don’t pass that forward. Forgive but don’t let your guard down. ❤️
There are no words for how impressed I am about this video. I'm currently caring full time for my elderly covert narc mother, and EVERYTHING you said fits her. Amazing.
I'm in the same situation. My mother is a covert narcissist and I'm her caretaker. Very difficult and challenging situation.
I'm also taking care of my demented covert narcissist mom, though only one day a week. It's so frustrating. She's the meanest she's ever been.
53 and today discovering this video was made to describe my older sister.
@@evelynrakos Its better to find out now than 10 years from now. I just discovered this entire topic (narcissism) about 6 months ago and finally know why i have been so frustrated dealing with my brother the last 30 years. Man i wished i knew then what i know now. He fits almost every bullet and example they give. I had no idea what or why he acted the way he did. Every relationship he has ever had has failed. That should have been my first clue. I'm at peace now that i know and understand the disorder.
@@jimmurphy3868 Hi Jim, so nice and comforting to receive your message. Knowing this is such a widespread problem and that my subjugation had been pervasively planned and and executed on me brings inmmediate relief in the sense of: "there was nothing wrong with me", my self - confidence - trust - reality - love was just bullied out of me. These last days have been feeling as in the movie the Matrix, just perceiving reality as it is, and it finally matches, reality and my perception of it. My sister is 3 years older, and I lost my father at age 5. At age 7 I was left with my sister for one year with my also narcissistic grandmother. At age 16 and for 5 years I lived again without parents with my sister. She has had such a big and devastating impact in my life, she has been a total nightmare. For decades I was seeking answers to my sadness and feeling of awkwardness, just not being able to trust myself. I was looking at my parents (no saints at all) but nothing made sense for how I felt. When I saw this video it was like taking the red pill, everything made sense. I felt it not only with my understanding, but with my whole body. A lifelong rage accumulated against my reality being denied and a false one imposed on me so that her bullyng would stop. She is such a malevolent person, and now I also see that the terrible, disconsiderate and egotic husband and son, have been her victims all along. I feel the urge now to protect my 19 year old niece, she will go through exactly the same as I did, and I dont know how to reach out to her because she is so protective of her mother. So, that was autobiographically me. Happy to hear that this knowledge has brought you peace, and hope also more joy in your life. Have a good weekend
This is the most validating video I've ever watched. I can't believe that there is language to describe the patterns and behaviors I've been stuck with for the last five years. The frustration I've felt for my feelings always get hurt and apologizing for it.
My mother is a covert narcissist. Nothing she does is her fault, everything everyone else does is done wrong. The guilt, unending. The blame, the responsibility that I had to carry for this grown woman’s instability for 20 years. I’m ghosting her in 3 days. I’m moving out of her home to somewhere better, somewhere I can live my life as I intend to. I’m not a bad person for wanting to be myself. I’m not “ungrateful” or “disrespectful” for taking up the space I’ve been given. I’m sick of the lies she spins, the words she’ll put in other’s mouths. Nobody thinks I’m as much of a villain as she does. I’m simply existing, the one thing she actually made me to do. How can that be wrong?
after these 3 days… it’ll never be a problem again. She’ll only exist in my therapy sessions, and we will never cross paths again.
I hope you make it out. You sound like you will get on the right track without her.
I wish you all the very best for your life moving forward My mother passed away in February of this year She was a narcissist and I am still suffering the abuse etc. I suffered since a little child I am 68 years old and have been in counselling now for several months I have a wonderful counsellor bless her and will be with her for some time. As well as my mother's abuse (mental physical and emotional) my sister is trying to get back in my life after I walked away from them both 30 years ago next summer for my sanity's sake Not ever going to happen She was a nasty nightmare too She and Mother were both stuck to each other like glue (very unhealthy relationship) she meets up with two of my adult children for "coffee" with her fishing hook trying to find out about me and my husband's family.Playing the victim pretending to be nice so I look the baddy not taking up with her again.I see what she is at People suffering narcissistic abuse go through so much.I will heal it will take time and thank you Darren so much I started to watch your channel and I learn so much from it too Your voice is calming.Lovely to hear a Northern Ireland accent on here too.God bless you.Please take good care of yourselves everyone who is going through recovery from the abuse Lots of self care and you will get through to the other side and get well again and live a happier life.
@@margaretdouglas905 Cheering you on, Margaret! Trust your intuition, feel your emotions, love yourself! Wishing you the best.
@@margaretdouglas905 You are not alone. In your 60's it is just harder because of all of the wasted time.
do not telegraph..... leave without any indication you are doing so.
A really terrific explanation, one of the clearest accounts I have seen. I grew up with two of them. These kinds of people are relentless in deliberately trying to antagonise in order to provoke reactions, just so they can play then howl and whine about what tragic oppressed victims they are. If they fail in obtaining the kind of hostile response they want, they'll then storm off in a howling rage about how they're the big victim of not getting an angry response having spent so much of their precious time and effort in harassing, abusing and intruding. The idea is to then get you to toddle after them trying to make it all better for them. Of course, nothing will ever be good enough for their precious wounded little selves.
I'd have said they punch you in the face just because they feel like it and then rage at you for bleeding on the carpet.
Their irrational nonsense all boils down to them seeking power over you while reaffirming how deeply hard done by are their bullying arses.
My father in law said that exact thing to me when his daughter and her husband left a BBQ lunch because I was there. He told me they left because I'm there. I was confused, I hadn't said anything. It made me cry. I also get ignored all of the time. They walk by me and also exclude me. It's mean. Please, let me add - I will never "comply" for validation 🥰
Excellent analysis of the different types of narcissists. Thank you! Subscribed. Narcissism is expanding and becoming much more prevalent and accepted in today's modern "Me" culture. Stay alert people, and don't be manipulated.
I was doubting myself and my response to my mum who I believe is vulnerable narcissis. My mum hasn't spoken to me since Dec 2020 after I told her a few home truths. I wish I knew then what I know now.
My wife is having to deal with a 92 year old narcissistic aunt. Having seen your videos, my wife’s eyes have been opened and she now knows how to deal with this coffin dodger and I sincerely thank you for this help. God bless.❤️🙏
Coffin dodger
Not a coffin dodger 😂😂😂😂
😁that’s a clever one …coffin dodger
My now favorite term for the covert narcissist 70 1/2 year old pos I escaped from. Coffin Dodger !😂🤣😂💣 Please, if you have any more gems like this don't hold back !
"They wet the bed and blame the blanket" A true gem, thank you LOL
I am 51 and married a narc at age 20! I left him at age 23. I jumped in all kinds of relationships that was all narcs! Now I know what it is last few years I can see the signs!! I have a guy love bombing me at the moment! He got mad at me the other day and he did the silent treatment on me! I tell ya once you see it you can’t UN SEE IT!!!!!!
I feel you sister!!! I'm the same age as you and I got married young to a narcissist who was actually psychopathic. It's taken me years and years to recover and I finally see it in men who take interest in me. I cut the last ones out of my life. I ended up having a so called best friend who ended up showing her true colors as a covert narcissist. Because I've always been a tomboy, I did martial arts for years, like to target shoot etc, I never had many female friends. So when this gal came on with her love bombing I was so happy and thought I finally got a female BFF. But I was deceived. Long story short I ended the friendship, had to for my sanity. I wish you the best and stay strong, live your life and love it. Don't let anyone steal your beautiful energy and time, male or female. Cheers!
@@ArisEmriis how devastating 😢
@@56cadd it is and no one prepared us in life for these things. But as bad as this thing was, I've been thru worse things albeit of another nature. So I'm good and staying positive, mindful of each moment. Cheers
@@ArisEmriis people forget common courtesy after adulthood, more so now than in decades before.
LEAVE if you know he is Love Bombing you!!!!
This is the precise reason I define boundaries early on (and the person can choose to accept them or leave if they feel they infringe on their personal being), and always bring them up if I feel they are being trampled on. If a person consistently and persistently refuses to respect them over multiple instances/disagreements, it's time to leave. Do not accept apologies and make it clear that apologies mean nothing only the respect of said boundaries. One thing I learned is these discussions can become derailed (sometimes intentionally so as to evade taking accountability), so it's always important to loop back to the original conversation.
I didn't know a narcissist had the ability to say they were sorry in the first place. Its never happened to me and they will never give a compliment. Got one once in my life and 3 weeks later he said. You know i have been thinking about you buying that cabin, It's probably the dumbest thing you have ever done. 20 yrs later it was the best thing for my wife and i, we enjoy the heck out of the tranquility.
@@jimmurphy3868 In my experience when they do apologize, it is insincere, and they will repeat their behavior but in a different/disguised way. Im happy ur happy with ur cabin :)
WHOAH, BOY AM I GLAD I HAVE BEEN EDUCATED ABOUT NARCISSISM, WHEN YOU KNOW YOURSELF AND KNOW REALITY YOU CAN ESCAPE THIS KIND OF EVIL!!!!! IT IS ASHAME THAT PEOPLE LIKE THIS EXIST, TRULY YOU NEED A EDUCATION TO DEAL WITH CRAP AND CRAZY STUFF LIKE THIS!!!!!! YOU EXPLAINED IT SO VERY VERY WELL, THANK YOU 🙏!!!!!
So useful. I am married to one. He was severely traumatized in childhood, so it all makes sense. Thankfully doesn't meet ALL the criteria, but many of them. Helps me to understand what we are dealing with. He is now getting psychotherapy which I am glad about. Thank you!!
Rachel Key,You deserve better 🙏
100% accurate. Wow. Figuring out that a friend was a narcissist was the greatest shock and disappointment but I'm glad I got to the bottom of it sooner rather than later and didn't waste any more of my time and energy on garbage. Grateful for these videos that educate and enlighten us. THANK YOU
You described my mother, this video was unbelievably spot on.
My gosh!!- someone finally is able to articulate the mechanics of what’s been going on my whole life with a particular individual-
Thank you sir-
Just hearing you explain it from your POV has been so validating for me... 🙏
Also watch Dr. Ramani's channel on narcissism...she is an expert and excellent at explaining.
This is brilliant stuff. "They point at their face as they weep". Hahaha! Once you see this pathology for what it is you can never be caught up again in the endless agonising chaos that is being in relationship with the covert narcissist. Love your work.
The DISCARD from my covert narcissist was traumatic for me. However, I am so grateful that I learned that his covert NPD was the problem, not me! He almost got away with it. My emotional maturity, empathetic intuition, and self trust has allowed me to come out on the other side, a survivor of psychological covert narcissistic abuse. Thank you for your affirming and informative videos.
Oh my gosh!! Everything you just said has been my experience during my whole marriage. You are sharing my life. The last therapist we saw was the only one who told me that my husband is a narcissist. I am divorcing him now and he’s using every tactic on my way out. After 24 years, I am physically sick, mentally drained, and have nothing left. Thank God he can bring good out of bad. He gives beauty for ashes. I have lots of ashes. What you shared is the best thing I’ve ever heard on this subject! God bless you for sharing truth. I pray other’s will benefit and get out sooner than later.
This is so accurate!! Thank you for sharing! It's very validating that this problem is recognized by others and broken down. Scary enough when individuals are this way. Scarier still when they gravitate together and form organizations under a guise of positivity, and yet destroy the lives of many. I know of a corporation that pretends to be a religion that causes tremendous harm through their shared need to dominate others and gaslight.
I wont ask which one. But, that's rough.
Many unhealed and toxic people in top positions in many groups, organizations!
Kida reminds me of the United States government tactics, IF YOU CONTROL THE FEAR YOU CONTROL THE PEOPLE.
I have experienced this. They refuse to take responsibility for their behaviour and things they said that where not true or kind. I've been scapegoated, ignored, blamed, shamed and gaslight by them. I have left the arena. Too painful and no point in continuing. My sanity, happiness and self worth far to important to mess with and I see no hope of improvement. Learning to love myself instead and those that truly love and appreciate me. No games. I got burnt, you can't reason with a narcissit.
This is actually amazing. I think that my Ex used most all of these tactics at different times!! It was such a toxic relationship… Thank goodness I left the situation finally…and cut of all contact. I am, however, expecting him to act out vindictively against me. Give me strength!!! I need to keep my dignity and avoid reacting.
So spot on. My narc friend blamed me for her own crazy behavior and said it was all my fault when she made a small problem big. I told her to do whatever she wants but she couldn't leave it at that. She said that everyone said this and that about me and she is starting to believe them. She always hated me taking pictures and blame me for things I never forced her to do. I'm glad I blocked her before she brought more craziness into my life. I discarded her before she could discard me and she was furious. She said whatever she said must have hurted me so bad that's why I left. More like I booted her crazy ass out of my life. Good riddance. I use grayrock and didn't bother explaining much bc its pointless talking to a childlike person. I feel the more older narcs get the more unstable they become. She is never happy with anything in her life. I'd rather have some peace than to feel like I'm always walking on egg shells around her. I never know what words I say will make her rage. Narcs can't expect us to love them when they don't care about their actions or the hurtful things they say so expect us to leave them and their ugly attitudes.
I agree with that. My sister is a middle aged alcoholic covert narcissist. Both of our parents are deceased and after our mother passed away she lost the only person in the world that ever felt even the slightest amount sympathy towards her. Now she has no one. Maybe a few fake friends or accomplices here and there. No one of any real value unless they’re brainwashed and deluded themselves.
I’m fairly confident she will eventually end up perhaps psychotic or schizoid or completely delusional; or a combination of all three perhaps.
Thankyou ,two years after leaving a bad relationship with a covert narcissist I am still learning about tactics used on me. It is good to hear and helps make sense of what was totally non-sensical at the time.
Little passive aggressive comments and then saying...I was only joking.
9 years of it, Storm. I thank GOD, He gave me the strength to leave
Yes!
All absolutely spot on. My mother was a covert narc and I never could work it out when she was alive, but am learning now. Thank you x
Same here. And all my life i was surrended With narcs. Ex gf was also covert narc. Many roomies were passive agressive. Life on hard mode 😁
Surrounded but i Will leave it like that ^^. Currently reading Alice miller, it helps à ton
Turns out Im autistic... Discovered this at 32 !
Neither of my parents ever allowed resolutions to happen.
Conflict was never allowed.
My mother’s go-to response typically, among others, was “oh, that’s all in the past, dear.”
What a great way to ensure whatever it is will actually never be in the past but instead remain on your plate indefinitely.
Not a single concern that something is eating away at you.
I love the channel just found it...
ME: It's not my job to understand or fix them so keeping distance from these people is a better solution.
I was not put on this planet just to help people act rational and normal. I can go 7+ years of bliss without talking to family members. TRUE!
This is the kind of narcissist for whom every solution will have a problem. Every goal will have an obstacle. Every Silver Lining will have a cloud.
BOOM
That's the perfect explanation for what I go through. Thank you.
Yep- my sister exactly she asks 100 people for advice and all of the solutions have an excuse as to why it’s not an option
💯
Excellent video mate. Thank you. Best line was “Are these my feet” 👌 8 years with covert Narc wife 😳 madness
I have used your information to show family members I was in an abusive marriage. There are a few who are in touch with my ex-husband and believe his lies. At this point I don't care whether they believe me or not. But I know the truth. Thanks for your discussion
I am sorry some members of your family have decided to believe your ex over you. Not at all easy when a narcissist inappropriately inserts themselves into your family relationships.
...are these my feet... 🤣😂 I'm going through it--again--with my mom. I'm 62 years old and it's been the same all my life. We're at the rejecting part of her cycle--she's withholding communication after her barrage of hurtful--terrible words. So I'm back to listening to videos about narcissism and trying to balance and ground myself. It's so sad. I feel so sorry for her. I'm a new subscriber. Thank you for your work.
While it has been 12 years since I ended the 16year horror of the relationship I was in, I still have the occasional nightmare. I have been getting along solo since breaking off ( No it was NOT an easy extraction!) yet am doing well, with the daily relief that I am no longer under the influence of that person. It has been a puzzle that haunts me (what was wrong with me, and what was wrong with my partner?) until now. This series of videos is helping me get a handle on what happened and it is utterly amazing how spot on the behaviors of the Narcissist line up with my former partner's personality, and my experience with them. It is a sad loss of time of course, yet I learned a great deal about how to stick up for myself and the sorts of behaviors to watch out for. Thank you Darren for adding clarity to an experience I've mulled over off and on for all these years.
I have a plethora of examples for each and every of the tactics you mentioned. I've been together with a covert narcissistic woman far too long and one of the things that kept me from leaving were the threats. She would casually mention how she could take the kids and move to another country so I would never see them again. Or how she could hurt herself and tell everyone I was the one who did it. But when she demanded that I scream at my son and tell him to apologize to her after she had been doing that the better part of the day while I was at work, and then explain to my son how he made her act like that, I had enough. I refused and instead comforted him and asked him what his side of the story was. That lead to a week long fight with my now ex and we separated less than a month later.
Now, my son never wants to see his mother again if he can at all prevent it. My ex is telling everyone how my son and I are violent and how she was the victim of relentless domestic abuse during all those years. I just wish I knew years ago what I know now.
Divorce her before she divorces you.
Better if you do it to her, especially with her already turning the tables on you and your Son.
She's sooo pissed how suddenly she's lost the control of your Son and you !
Best Wishes🤍prayers
Never blame yourself. I majored in Psychology and was clueless of converts. Don't go back like I did and guess who is single again. Your not alone, nor are you stupid. Your eyes like mine can see again.
@@darylkik777 Thanks. I've had a lot of therapy and that helped me realize that there's nothing I could have done (besides leaving her years ago) to change the outcome. Even now during the divorce, she still manages to do some mighty impressive mental gymnastics to explain to herself how everyone agreeing with me is against her. Including the kids.
You are right. We didn't have the knowledge about it.
I could never have imagined that my partner would manipulate.
I even didn't know what this word mean...
Same here. I divorced my ex narcissistic husband basically to protect my kids from him. First I thought that a family kept together would be better for them (in the expense of my happiness). Then I noticed how disastrous that person was for all of us.
Thank you sincerely. This is so relevant in my marriage and has been for over 10 yrs. your video on the covert narcissist female as well as this one are helping to keep my sanity of self intact as I seek to end the marriage. Thank you again.
Sending you lots of love & prayers!!
My narcissistic father showing me child like love bombing(stage one of narcissistic abuse) each and every time with me. He uses excessive admiration and flattery to myself and show excessive love like a 5 years old boy. But i dont react to his love bombing especially i dont react to his child like responses. Actually,its all a trap from the very beginning to get attached myself to abuse but i know this abusive chain and manipulation so i completely ignore that.
My narcisssistic mother use food,house,money withholding threats to control me.they are energy vampires and doing same things with me for years and even decades.when i dont react they increase mental torture like calling local people,getting me out from home etc.I have lots of instrusive thoughts everyday from these abuses.but i cant afford no contact because i dont have job
@@bravodiyemon1757 my moms a schizophrenic narccisistic bipolar witch and my dads got narccisistic personality disorder, a lifetime of completely bizzare abuse. look where its brought me though, my newest video might inspire you to stay stronger
You truly tied up all the loose ends and tied them into a perfect little bow! Perfect behaviour description, perfect explanation of the why ... And why we feel drained, exhausted and almost crazy at times!! Thank you💖
I've lost count how many times I’ve apologized after getting the silent treatment. Thank you for making This video. I can finally prove to myself I’m not crazy. Getting the silent victim treatment right now after he verbally abused me. Not falling for it. I’m enjoying the silence.
Perhaps that's what Depeche Mode was referring to with their song "Enjoy the Silence" 😉
Whenever anyone gives me the silent treatment I find something else to do…never give in with anyone
One other thing is when they have a valid point/ concern about your behavior that does effect them, no matter how small, they bring it up to you and they really don't care if you have already apologized or offered a solution within the conversation, they will spend an EXCESSIVE amount of time driving their point into the ground and working themselves up until they know you've been thoroughly made uncomfortable or sometimes won't stop badgering you about it until you cry....
Mr. Magee, I only just discovered your channel but it's like you're speaking painful truths right into my heart. I was raised by a vulnerable narcissist who also has other mental health issues, and I keep getting sucked into the lives of other vulnerable narcissists because these people fit the place my mother carved herself. When people show healthy love, it feels like too much- more kindness than we deserve, more affection than we've ever received. My current partner is, thankfully, not this way- but just like myself his mother is. His love was painful and very hard to trust at first, but goodness with each passing month I feel healthier as a person in my mind and in my soul. We've been together 4 years, my longest relationship to date, and it's almost surreal!
I have listened to probably 200 videos in the past 2 years. I am a targeted parent of parental alienation. This is the best one yet to explain how this manipulation happens. Thank you so much!
You are so right about the guilt…after he decided to tell us about his 2 year transactionship with the bimbo, he tortured me for 6 months, and now I finally moved on, he comes back sick, and wants me to drop everything to take care of him!!!! Next level deception, lying, cheating, stealing but now “needs” me. Fk pathetic
😂
They were the bed and blame the blanket. That is the absolute best and truest statement ever. I have a work associate/ friend who exhibits everything you spoke about. Thank you for the clarity!
This describes my GF 100%. Always the most unwell person in the room, and constantly telling everyone who gives her the time of day about her trials and troubles, feeding off their sympathies. "How can you think that of me?" and After all I've done for you" and You don't seem to be grateful of how I support you" - when I'm in 24/7 support for her, cooking / cleaning / dog walking and balancing work even though she's retired. Silent treatment for "You should know what you did". "My greatest fear is I'll die alone" while driving everyone who doesn't 'measure up' away. Sigh.
Have heard all of these phrases growing up and beyond. It does leave you with the feelings for years after . You can know the tactics but still have the feelings and pain. Certainly knowing they are tactics will protect you from further abuse. Thank you again
Just today I heard, “You don’t know how hard you make it for people to be nice to you. Listen at you. I listen to you all time but it’s never enough.”
He probably said 'I HAVE to listen to you all the time but it's never enough.'
❤
Yeahhhh... my mom has been diagnosed with Borderline Personaloty Disorder but this all sounds SO familiar. Spot on for her. She told me once when I was a kid that I'd "made her have a heart attack" that she never even had, constantly blamed me and my siblings for her own behavior, and would tell lies about things other people had "done to her" to gain pity, even up to reporting my sister to the police for "elder abuse" that had never happened. She also told our 4 year old cousin that the same sister tried to poison her.
At one point I also lived with my other sister. She is definitely a covert narcissist. I have extreme social anxiety and she would purposely pick fights or loudly make comments about my personal life (secrets, etc) in public to embarrass me, because it would make me have panic attacks. I think she liked the sense of control. She once tried to hit me with a golf club during an argument, in which she also threatened to kill herself, and when I threatened to call an AMBULANCE for her because of these 2 things she told me that if I did she would hurt herself and tell them I did it and have the police arrest me. She would constantly say mean things, scream at me, and even physically hurt me at times and then blame me for "making her upset". I had friends abandon me because of lies she told them about me. I no longer live with her and I'm so glad, but she's supposed to be visiting next week and I'm SO anxious. She keeps messaging me how she misses me and she's lonely and can't wait to see me but I have this feeling of DREAD in my stomach 😞
Emma, I hope you got through the visit ok x
Hopefully with some new knowledge and tools, she wasn't able to manipulate you like in the past. : )
Thank you Mr. Magee. Your videos are encouraging and helping me make sense of things during difficult times. I really appreciate you.