Yes, you are precious. And your community too. I owe all these women (Dr Ramani, her former students now collaborators, all women contributing in the comments section and even Luna her cat) my sanity and being able to live life and go to work everyday. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤ Thank you too!!
More hugs sending more hugs to Dr Ramani sending love and peace. Be kind to yourself (and keep saying no) it's only to build boundaries so no one gets hurt. Take your time, listen to your body, honor how you feel because how you feel matters to millions. The new Dr Ramani is amazing, brave, inspirational, strong, and growing maybe even a hero to some. sending lots of gratitude for you being you. Sending love to you Ramani. Thank you.
Not responding is the best response. This is not fawning. (Consider the other person as a mentally handicapped child with tourettes, whose opinion does not matter, and you will begin to understand)
This hit home extra hard because seeing you, in almost real time, process your own trauma while still helping us in the process just speaks to how strong you are. You are truly changing lives with your work ❤ I wish you deep healing and happiness
Fawn response is the hardest to get over because to the extent that it has infiltrated your entire being and consciousness you somehow think that NOT having that response makes you disrespectful, bad, or in DANGER. My changes recently have been excruciating. But WORTH it.
So sorry for your traumas! Can’t recommend enough Gavin de Becker’s “The Gift of Fear”. He is an expert on how to learn to trust your inner feelings and be safe. God bless you.
Remaining calm and emotionally neutral can help diffuse tension and prevent the arguments but we get drained from inside which leads to more trauma within.
I agree with your comment. Along those same lines, I find that when a person of today's world, who has endured the onslaught of abuse from one of these NPD sicko's, may soon start noticing how pervasive this destructive personality style now is, and that can lead to even more avoidance of other people,then missing out on positive interpersonal experience with safe folks. Long story short, in my experience, this situation is plenty challenging. Thank God (and Dr. Ramani plus other wise psychotherapists broadcasting on UA-cam) I have a MUCH MORE ATTUNED BS DETECTOR! 💜
We love non-fawn Dr. Ramani. You help so many people and have overcome so much. You deserve to have boundaries that are respected. So if you have to be cold, be cold! We got sweaters 💖
The first "NO" has to be to yourself... I had to tell myself "NO", you don't have to give yourself to everyone who asks. Having been raised to be the favorite plaything, I didn't know I could tell anyone "No". It's not only okay to say "NO", it is healthy and good for me to say "No"... God be with you Dr Ramani
Finally at age 65 I’ve learned to step out of the nice person fawn response. It was always when someone sees me as a potential target for their narcissism initiates a relationship, love bombs and women can do it to women, as well as men do women, and then the crazy begins.Thanks to Dr. Ramani I was able to step out immediately and cut off the relationship before it got even crazier.
Thank you for your transparency. I’ve been criticized for allowing my past (narcissistic) experiences to harden my heart. My heart has not hardened, my boundaries have. Those who have not experienced such abusive tactics will not understand and that’s ok. I don’t need them to. We are ALL still learning and growing. I appreciate you! ❤
Dr. Ramini, I’ve seen you around for years, and have always maintained that your videos are wonderfully educational & informative; however THIS VIDEO deeply resonated with me. I am terribly sorry you were faced with two such damaging & potentially life-threatening experiences…. Thank you for sharing as much as you could with us. Your stark honesty and deeply personal accounts are extraordinarily revealing to us. Sometimes we forget that celebrated personalities such as yourself, are first & foremost, human beings, and that you have feelings & fears too… just like the rest of us!! Thank you, thank you, thank you for being so candid & honest!! Take good care, and be well!!🌺
I have been called selfish difficult and crazy for finally standing up for myself when I was being abused and harassed. Not subjugating to the narcs or the enablers, I know the truth. Focusing on my life. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
I am sorry. The same happens to me all the time now that I can finally say no to those who drain my energy and call me selfish for needing basic respect. If we stand up for ourselves, they think we are mean. I am happy more and more people recognize their worth ❤
Nothing like a new experience to shake us up where we must grab a tool that's been buried in the toolbox awhile. Where we must take all the things we've learned on a test drive. Somehow, it puts things in perspective. It's like another opportunity of healing because of the confidence you end up receiving from it. It's tapping back into the full trust of self.
Dr. R, I'm truly sorry for what you are going through. Just know that you have helped me more than any other person the last 6 months. I am filing for divorce and leaving my covert and self righteous narc husband next week. I didn't realize this but the last few weeks I have been using a fawn response to prepare without setting him off. One day soon I have a space to be fully authentic again. Thank you.
You are saving me. My mom and ex-husband are narcs. I’m learning. I ran from my mom to him and now I almost fell back into her patterns. I almost lost my life to both. But you’re right….I see that now! And I broke too but now I don’t take shit from none of them. We gotta value ourselves and step into our light without the misery of the narcs. My mom wants me to suffer. My ex hates me. And they both abused me. But they gave me something tooo: perspective. And I’m TAKING THAT AND LEARNING radical acceptance. Thank you Dr. Ramani.
I've been saying, "no" more often. I've been listening to my body better too. I'm so sorry you have been through so much trauma recently. Sending virtual hugs and support.
Thanks for sharing. I think we who fawn characterize it as just us being agreeable until we find ourself terrified by a situation we've ended up in, a place where we're a long way from being safe and have literally no control. In my situation I honestly thought I was going to die. I had allowed myself to be in that place and that situation and it was very hard to come to terms with the fact that I had. Fawning rock bottom for me required sheer terror on my part to see it for what it was. The experience, the sheer trauma of it all, made me take a hard, serious look at what was going on and my part in it. It was a massive wake up call. It did change me and for the better. If I'm less agreeable, have more boundaries, have a limited tolerance for bullshit in any form because of it? I reckon that's a good thing.
Thank you for sharing this and for highlighting the extra layer of trauma that comes from how others respond to our experiences. That insight is so important and often overlooked. I also appreciate the reminder that survival responses like fawning aren’t conscious decisions but deeply wired patterns in our nervous system. It’s so important for people to show themselves compassion instead of self-criticism when these patterns show up. These responses aren’t a reflection of weakness-they’re the way our bodies have learned to keep us safe. The process of rewiring those pathways and creating new options takes time. Thank you for sharing this so vulnerably-it’s such an important conversation. 🙏🏻❤️
Dr Ramani, you are our rock. Not because you are solid, but because you exhibit all the trauma and emotional scars we all carry from years of marriage and childhood trauma that conditioned us to stay longer than we should have in these toxic unions. Just wake up and take it a day at a time and retreat to a safe place for alone time to just reconnect with yourself, breathe and remind yourself that you have a huge community that is experiencing exactly what you going through and they love you because you are so Real.❤
Fawn responses never keeps one safe. It usually gets one in serious danger. SOOO TRUE, the non-fawn version of oneself seems like a very cold person when we judge ourselves. Yet we learn to say no “nicer”. I really appreciate you, Dr. Ramani, for opening up at such a vulnerable moment and about such a sensitive experience. A true teacher, among other things. Whatever it is, we validate what you went through, and denounce anyone who gaslighted your pain. Hearing this reminded me of a situation I once learned about. For eg: like going along in a car with a speedy driver. you feel the fear but you DONT ask them to slow down or say something or get out of the car. It WILL get one into trouble. From what I’ve understood, the trauma response of strictly saying NO to everything after that trauma, is a trauma response also and will also need to get tempered. The PTSD after a terrifying trauma, being extremely on guard constantly, even to the point of it being able to knock the fawn response out the window, eventually also will need to be dialled back. I know of situations where it took people YEARS of therapy and medication to unlearn a strong “NO” response that we might latch on to as protection, to replace the “fawn response” that we once had. That strong “NO” we might hold on to, that we’re so suddenly brave to do, like a shield of armour, that is also a trauma response that we may eventually need to learn to temper. We will need to learn to let go of that strict “NO” voice that we suddenly found, because it will shut down our lives. It will create flattened moods, even depression. It may cause anxiety more than we may realize. It may cause anger and irritability. So it seems it’s actually a very delicate balance of learning when to allow a “yes” WITHOUT FAWNING, and learning when, despite wanting to fawn in a dangerous situation, we make the concerted choice to say NO instead. It’s always a balancing act. We can’t get too much into the NO just like we can’t keep saying YES to everything. But it takes a while (months or more) after the trauma for one to really grasp that it could be possible to straddle that line.
As a former lifelong fawner myself, the snap of the rubber band happened for me as well and am grieving the friendlier/extroverted self I was as well as question if that extroversion was/is a mask or a part of my authentic self 🥺
Thanks so much Dr. Ramani for sharing your story and your wisdom. It takes a lot of courage to share these stories as a therapist because there’s so much on us about what you should or shouldn’t share with your clients. However, I think coming from a personal perspective makes the truth much more real for all of us. You’re sharing things that you know because you’ve learned them internally and I love and respect you for that. Thank you. Your posts are invaluable to me as someone who is in recovery from narcissistic abuse. I believe I have also finally made an exit from being a first class fawner. I have made friends with my No, and I can even enjoy the experience. Highly recommended!
All so true… especially the ‘nobody wants to be upset’ part. We all expect to experience hard things in life, so the devastation usually comes from turning to safe spaces for help or healing and realizing how unsafe they are…
Hug 💓 So sorry. The invalidating, minimizing, and disappearing after a trauma is very difficult. The gaslighting and toxic positivity too. Can be a lot of grief. Magnifies the lack of safety and etches the trauma in more deeply 💯 Finding out people don't care after a trauma does add another layer to it too. I think connection is very important to survival and some sense of safety to hold onto... however limited. I felt it beforehand too. Went anyways. Holding onto that "no" more does seem important. First they put us in danger and then they leave us in danger is so true and upsetting. So sorry you've been suffering because of it. You've been in my thoughts. Hug.
I know experiences happen for us to learn from & evolve, yet compassion and empathy hold us up so we can keep on keeping on ~ and you have mine in spades, Ms. Ramani. You have my deepest gratitude for your courage in speaking to these tough things so others can find their own voice & courage & resolve. Bless you on your continuing Journey of Faith.
I totally get it! ❤ my heart is with you on the rise. I told myself when it happened to me that it was going to be the best thing that ever happened to me. The healing process was arduous. I don’t love that this happened to you. But I know in my heart of hearts that you will pull out some very helpful wisdom from this that will help many, many, many. I thank you for your presence and your service ❤
Dr Ramani, I am so sorry about whatever happened to you. And I am so sorry about any invalidating response you got when you told people about your experience. Please know that are so so many people, from all over the world, that care deeply about you and believe you and hope you are ok. You are such a kind, selfless, compassionate, bright light in this world!! You have helped so many people get through the darkest experiences in their lives. You are so selfless to share your knowledge, expertise and wisdom. We are all so lucky to have your support. We believe you. Thank you for sharing. We are so sorry for whatever happened. We love you and hope you are ok.
I HATE when I fawn! I get so angry at myself because I see myself as a fighter. So glad you're still here, hope you feel better soon, and thanks sincerely for sharing your experience. So sorry this happened to you. Twice.
This captivating video triggers a flood of painful memories from the end of my 6-year relationship just three months ago. The woman I loved with all my heart chose to walk away, leaving me grappling with an insurmountable sense of loss. Despite my relentless efforts to salvage what we had , I'm left feeling disillusioned and unable to imagine a future without her. Despite my attempts to move on , I'm drawn to express my deep-seated longing for her here.
The struggle to release someone dear to your heart is undeniably arduous. I empathize, having experienced a similar circumstance when my 8 year relationship concluded. Refusing to accept defeat, I pursued every conceivable avenue to reclaim his affection. Eventually, I sought the assistance of a spiritual counselor, whose wisdom and intervention played a pivotal role in reuniting us.
One of the best things I ever did was make a document on my computer labeled "I'm not crazy" where I just list any crazy thing certain family members did. It's weirdly comforting, when they cross a small boundary, to know that I'm not being sensitive - I'm just being reminded of what they are capable of.
The fawn response robs us of the best thing we have to offer. There is pleasure and fulfillment in nurturing and supporting someone. There is a thin line but a thick distinction between that and enabling someone. Sometimes lifting somebody up feels the same as carrying their baggage. It's your "feelings" that offers the abilty of descerment . Those of us with the fawn response have been programed to ignore our feelings.
Having lived through a damaging relationship that escalated into near disaster it was so important to have the support that allowed me to escape and heal through the trauma you are describing. I was very lucky I realise now and I hope you are receiving the support and understanding and that you are in a safe place. I have often listened to your advice over the last four years to try and understand the personality I was dealing with and knowledge is empowering. Thank you for sharing your experience and knowledge I'm sure your insight {and courage,} will be a huge help for so many it certainly has been for me. ❤🤗
Hope you are well. Thank you for sharing & giving people a real look at how we can all fall back a little but also that we can use it as a reminder & learning to get back on track. I go over things in my head and try to find the more favorable outcome. One day at a time, it’s all we are given. ❤😊
Thank you, Dr Ramani. I’m so so sorry you had to go through all that. I hope that hitting “rock bottom” will help you to come back stronger. I’m sending you so much love and strength. From a fellow fawn responder xxxx
Dr. Ramani. If you see this, thank you for your courageous vulnerability. Being seen as the problem has been bothering me a lot lately. "Putting us in danger and then leaving us in danger," also really strikes a bell. I'm still in freeze and hopelessness - trauma soup, basically. I feel so weak and hate myself. My entire life was dissociation, I guess. I wish I knew how to function in society. Your videos have been a big help in raising the awareness. The development is the issue now. I wish you a complete and gentle healing. Thanks again.
Oh Dr! I'm so sorry this happened but so profoundly glad you found your NO! and you shared this. Much wisdom here. Thank you so much for sharing what must have been a nightmare to go through.
Dear Dr Ramani, thank you for revealing the effects and consequences of these traumatic events in your life. Nothing is more powerful than a personal story and this one illustrates the fawning response in brilliant lights. It is not an easy concept to understand and for me it has been baffling and humiliating to recognize. At the age of 70 I am just beginning to see that it has controlled me all my life and to dismantle it. In being so open with your own experience of it you have given me a much deeper understanding of and a lot more compassion for myself. I salute your courage.
Dr. Ramani if it wasn’t for your videos, I’d relate with this one or could’ve been dead. My traumatic experience happened two weeks ago but fortunately I trusted my body, my instincts. Even tho I managed to survive without any physical harm, I am still going through phases and there you are once AGAIN helping me. I cannot thank you enough for your service. You are an inspiration, a great woman, a power.
Dr. Ramani, I'm so sorry these things happened to you, but so thankful you're going to be okay. Here's to saying goodbye to fawning Ramani and hello to HNR, HELL NO Ramani. 💜💜💜
I can honestly say I understand. My heart goes out to you, Dr. Ramani. The fawn response was my body's default for so many years, and it got me harmed. I am consciously fighting that instinct every day now, so I can look out for myself and not be coerced into bad situations. Sending you healing thoughts!
Im so glad you are sharing this. Its shining a huge light on my own struggles with fawning and also how to support others. Your videos are so genuine, because you live it. Must be painful, but so helpful to rest of us.
I worked in industry as a senior scientist until 1990 when I moved into academia. Among the eye opening differences was that while my successes in industry were applauded, my successes in academia were seen as a threat and I always paid a steep price for them. In industry my successes meant successes for our division while in academia everyone is out for themselves. Now I understand when a colleague said that she was told if you interview for a position in academia you can act like you are enthusiastic but not too much.
Thank you for caring and helping us. Fawn response has helped me survive, but costs me actual living. And left me utterly and completely alone whenever I fall ill or weak, there is just a Greek tragedy chorus mumbling their dissa
So Brilliant. First hand experiences are the best. "They're harmful twice. First they put us in danger, and then they leave us in danger. It's uncomfortable to integrate those truths."
Thank you for sharing this story!That’s exactly the conclusion I reached just a week ago. Everything you described in those first 5-10 minutes reflects exactly what I’ve been through over the past few weeks-how I felt, the reactions I got from people, even from my own family when I tried to explain what was happening. Realizing I was on my own in this, I made the choice to back off completely-from the situation and the person who caused it. Since then, I’ve been focusing on getting myself back together, and honestly, cutting all communication has helped me feel so much better.❤ also I was put in danger-and for the second time in lest few months and now to realise and accept what is going on.Thank you for sharing your story-it’s not as it’s not easy to accept that someone could act that way for so long, but your perspective is both relatable and inspiring and because you shared it I’ve come to understand that even though we can try to be cautious and learn from others’ experiences, these things can still happen. What’s important is finding the strength to stand up, walk away, and remove ourselves from people or situations that aren’t safe or healthy for us. Thank you
This really struck me. I know exactly what you mean when you say something “broke” within you. It is real. It is hard. Things become clear. For me, the word “Enough” appeared. I found that I no longer cared what they thought or even said about me. And you added that they can live in their unreality. Oh, I know this. The sleep disruption passes and in a wonderful way, the self-questioning and second guessing stops. That is relief. God Bless, Doctor.
I call the fawn response our people pleasing defense that sets us up to fake our way through life… both the enablers as well as the parents or partners who are narcissists suffer from this sickening need to survive by appearing happy with the experience. I try to be a decent person but not pretend to be nice in public. Kindness just like trust does need discernment. My compassion cannot be earned but it also cannot be faked. I’m the judge of when to tolerate behavior that I don’t respect or even like anymore
Thanks for this- fellow (former) fawner here! I just came out of an intensley narcissistic friendship on the heels over an over narcissistic workplace fallout (that one had several victims). And a church split, in a church I spent nine years in. Your videos have helped me heal from relational betrayals and abuse. And I’ve learned how much growing I’ve done and need to do through these videos, as well as my faith in Jesus. Thank you for being you- and helping hearts heal! 💕
I'm going through this transition now, I 've told myself, I am willing to be seen as the villan, for my salvation. It's crazy how my ego sees my act of putting myself first as villanous. It's a rough road but so worth it. To see how I've been dishonoring myself is gut wrenching.
I am happy that you were able to resist the pressure to respond with aggression, because that is what they were hoping for, in order to reflect the blame on to you 🔁.❤
You are loved ❤ Dr. Ramani!!! Thank you for blazing this trail about narcissism for the rest of us. If I had never heard your voice on this, I'm confident I would still be very broken and confused. Fortunately, I'm away from my narc ex-husband. I would like to leave this saying for everyone: "In a world that hasn't been kind, I choose to embrace the happiness I've earned." Author unknown.
Thank you Dr Ramani, im sorry for what youve gone through recently and I am glad you've been able to say no. I've recently had a similar experience. I have had nightmares from my abuse my entire life, unable to say no and call 911 in my dreams. Last month, I was finally able to say no and like you, woke up screaming NO from my dream. So powerful.
You have become my mirror. I cannot express the very similar nuances I'm experiencing in my life right now. That Fawn response literally woke me up thrusting me into endless research of what was happening and boy oh boy Life lessons are not kind
I am so sorry to hear this. I can relate to the nightmares in particular, and trauma, of course; that's why I'm here. I'm sending you so much love from western NY. ❤️ 💗 💓 i hope things ease up as soon as possible.
This was incredibly relevent to me in a situation I’m in right now. THANK YOU. I’m so sorry for the suffering you are enduring though. May we all find peace AND safety.
I really understand "easy breezy" and get your story Dr Ramani.I did exactly the same thing recently and was targeted while in a fawn state ,I was so mad at myself later for being so easily targeted,so easily manipulated and I INTUITIVELY KNEW I WAS MAKING A MISTAKE but I did it anyway against my own better judgement.!Now I realize this can Never happen again.I revisited practicing saying no and paying closer attention to my boundaries .Thank you for not labeling this 'codependence',a word I have come to loathe.Im trying to spend some time in stillness and quiet in nature to regain some inner balance.I wish this for you too.We truly appreciate you.
My heart goes out to you. I’m sad these things happened to you. I wish you quick recovery and healing. At the same time, I can surely relate as I am always working on not being the nice person, the yes person, the doe-eyed fawn that has been set up to be trapped. I am ever so grateful to you for teaching, guiding and sharing your expertise and even personal experiences. ❤️
Being dismissed and gaslit by someone you trust is a terrible experience. A real shock, a trauma. I'm sorry to hear your story. And not to mention the wildfires near your neighborhood... It must be tough for you. Please stay safe Dr Ramani. And I hope you're on the road of healing. ❤
I wish I could give you a hug and say I understand. I do absolutely understand. Take care of yourself. You are precious to us.
Yes, you are precious. And your community too.
I owe all these women (Dr Ramani, her former students now collaborators, all women contributing in the comments section and even Luna her cat) my sanity and being able to live life and go to work everyday.
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Thank you too!!
@@artifundio1❤❤❤
More hugs sending more hugs to Dr Ramani sending love and peace. Be kind to yourself (and keep saying no) it's only to build boundaries so no one gets hurt. Take your time, listen to your body, honor how you feel because how you feel matters to millions. The new Dr Ramani is amazing, brave, inspirational, strong, and growing maybe even a hero to some. sending lots of gratitude for you being you. Sending love to you Ramani. Thank you.
Same, from one fawner to another, wanted to give her a hug.
Same 🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂
It really helped me that you explained our fawn response as a hard-wired reflex, rather than codependency.
Yes!! Same!❤
Not responding is the best response. This is not fawning. (Consider the other person as a mentally handicapped child with tourettes, whose opinion does not matter, and you will begin to understand)
This hit home extra hard because seeing you, in almost real time, process your own trauma while still helping us in the process just speaks to how strong you are. You are truly changing lives with your work ❤ I wish you deep healing and happiness
Fawn response is the hardest to get over because to the extent that it has infiltrated your entire being and consciousness you somehow think that NOT having that response makes you disrespectful, bad, or in DANGER.
My changes recently have been excruciating. But WORTH it.
“First they put us in danger & then they leave us in danger”. I felt that one.
This! I literally had the words you were supposed to protect me in my head yesterday.
So true
The best kind of therapist is the one who knows, experiences. Thank you!
🙏🏼❤️
So sorry for your traumas! Can’t recommend enough Gavin de Becker’s “The Gift of Fear”. He is an expert on how to learn to trust your inner feelings and be safe. God bless you.
Remaining calm and emotionally neutral can help diffuse tension and prevent the arguments but we get drained from inside which leads to more trauma within.
So true👍😢
I agree with your comment. Along those same lines, I find that when a person of today's world, who has endured the onslaught of abuse from one of these NPD sicko's, may soon start noticing how pervasive this destructive personality style now is, and that can lead to even more avoidance of other people,then missing out on positive interpersonal experience with safe folks. Long story short, in my experience, this situation is plenty challenging. Thank God (and Dr. Ramani plus other wise psychotherapists broadcasting on UA-cam) I have a MUCH MORE ATTUNED BS DETECTOR! 💜
@leslierobertson612 👌🤷♀️❤️
If only it did I did my very best the group practice got snarky I'm not the police chief .. that's my dad's cousins husband's job
So very well said 💜
We love non-fawn Dr. Ramani. You help so many people and have overcome so much. You deserve to have boundaries that are respected. So if you have to be cold, be cold! We got sweaters 💖
You said it perfectly!
The first "NO" has to be to yourself... I had to tell myself "NO", you don't have to give yourself to everyone who asks.
Having been raised to be the favorite plaything, I didn't know I could tell anyone "No".
It's not only okay to say "NO", it is healthy and good for me to say "No"...
God be with you Dr Ramani
I love the way you put that: "Raised to be the favorite plaything". For me it resonates alot.
@@geekcollage God be with you to open the truth of who He created you to be dear sister.
Appreciate
You having the courage
To share this
The "no" found its way through to the "know". Love this. Thank you.
Finally at age 65 I’ve learned to step out of the nice person fawn response. It was always when someone sees me as a potential target for their narcissism initiates a relationship, love bombs and women can do it to women, as well as men do women, and then the crazy begins.Thanks to Dr. Ramani I was able to step out immediately and cut off the relationship before it got even crazier.
Thank you for your transparency. I’ve been criticized for allowing my past (narcissistic) experiences to harden my heart. My heart has not hardened, my boundaries have. Those who have not experienced such abusive tactics will not understand and that’s ok. I don’t need them to. We are ALL still learning and growing. I appreciate you! ❤
Excellent post ❤
That is so beautiful. Thank you.
Dr. Ramani, My heart goes out to you. I understand so much about PTSD. I wish you more peaceful,blessed days ahead.
“First they put us in danger… then they leave us in danger” 👀 very well said. So true!
Then they make it all our fault!
When your body says “No, no… hell no!” pay attention.
yes, but it takes time to get there if this is your reflex!!!
It's so strange but I get super cold like ice running through my veins when I have that hell no moment. It can be the smallest thing too.
Dr. Ramini, I’ve seen you around for years, and have always maintained that your videos are wonderfully educational & informative; however THIS VIDEO deeply resonated with me. I am terribly sorry you were faced with two such damaging & potentially life-threatening experiences…. Thank you for sharing as much as you could with us. Your stark honesty and deeply personal accounts are extraordinarily revealing to us. Sometimes we forget that celebrated personalities such as yourself, are first & foremost, human beings, and that you have feelings & fears too… just like the rest of us!! Thank you, thank you, thank you for being so candid & honest!! Take good care, and be well!!🌺
I am glad you are still with us. Please be safe and heal, the community loves you. You are worthy to say "no". 🎉❤
Thank you for sharing your experience. I wish you a good recovery.
I have had the fawn response and felt frustrated in myself for that.
I have been called selfish difficult and crazy for finally standing up for myself when I was being abused and harassed. Not subjugating to the narcs or the enablers, I know the truth. Focusing on my life. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
I am sorry. The same happens to me all the time now that I can finally say no to those who drain my energy and call me selfish for needing basic respect. If we stand up for ourselves, they think we are mean.
I am happy more and more people recognize their worth ❤
I hear you. Thank you for your testimony. And please, please take good care of yourself !
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. I will listen to this a few times. I hope you keep feeling better and better. Much love to you ! ❤
You're not alone. Much love 💖
Nothing like a new experience to shake us up where we must grab a tool that's been buried in the toolbox awhile. Where we must take all the things we've learned on a test drive. Somehow, it puts things in perspective. It's like another opportunity of healing because of the confidence you end up receiving from it. It's tapping back into the full trust of self.
Dr. R, I'm truly sorry for what you are going through. Just know that you have helped me more than any other person the last 6 months. I am filing for divorce and leaving my covert and self righteous narc husband next week. I didn't realize this but the last few weeks I have been using a fawn response to prepare without setting him off. One day soon I have a space to be fully authentic again. Thank you.
You are saving me. My mom and ex-husband are narcs. I’m learning. I ran from my mom to him and now I almost fell back into her patterns. I almost lost my life to both. But you’re right….I see that now! And I broke too but now I don’t take shit from none of them. We gotta value ourselves and step into our light without the misery of the narcs. My mom wants me to suffer. My ex hates me. And they both abused me. But they gave me something tooo: perspective. And I’m TAKING THAT AND LEARNING radical acceptance. Thank you Dr. Ramani.
Bravo!!! Good for you!!
Same here.
My motto for 2025
I don’t take no one shit !!!
“Step into our light “
Perfect! ❤❤❤
❤
I've been saying, "no" more often. I've been listening to my body better too. I'm so sorry you have been through so much trauma recently. Sending virtual hugs and support.
Thanks for sharing. I think we who fawn characterize it as just us being agreeable until we find ourself terrified by a situation we've ended up in, a place where we're a long way from being safe and have literally no control. In my situation I honestly thought I was going to die. I had allowed myself to be in that place and that situation and it was very hard to come to terms with the fact that I had. Fawning rock bottom for me required sheer terror on my part to see it for what it was. The experience, the sheer trauma of it all, made me take a hard, serious look at what was going on and my part in it. It was a massive wake up call. It did change me and for the better. If I'm less agreeable, have more boundaries, have a limited tolerance for bullshit in any form because of it? I reckon that's a good thing.
You are a guiding light. Thank you for sharing the painful lessons you endured in order to help others to avoid same. ❤
I feel your pain. Thank you for your humanity. Your insights and wisdom have already helped me a lot. I hope you are being helped by others too.
Fawning rock bottom sounds like harsh wake- up call. Learning to say no definitely leads to positive changes. “Don’t give in.”
Thank you!🙏💕💕
Dr. Ramani, I'm so sorry for what you've endured; thank you for sharing this personal experience.
Thank you for sharing this and for highlighting the extra layer of trauma that comes from how others respond to our experiences. That insight is so important and often overlooked.
I also appreciate the reminder that survival responses like fawning aren’t conscious decisions but deeply wired patterns in our nervous system. It’s so important for people to show themselves compassion instead of self-criticism when these patterns show up. These responses aren’t a reflection of weakness-they’re the way our bodies have learned to keep us safe.
The process of rewiring those pathways and creating new options takes time.
Thank you for sharing this so vulnerably-it’s such an important conversation. 🙏🏻❤️
Dr Ramani, you are our rock. Not because you are solid, but because you exhibit all the trauma and emotional scars we all carry from years of marriage and childhood trauma that conditioned us to stay longer than we should have in these toxic unions. Just wake up and take it a day at a time and retreat to a safe place for alone time to just reconnect with yourself, breathe and remind yourself that you have a huge community that is experiencing exactly what you going through and they love you because you are so Real.❤
I haven't needed a therapist since I found Doctor Ramani, she is good for me ❤️😊
Fawn responses never keeps one safe. It usually gets one in serious danger.
SOOO TRUE, the non-fawn version of oneself seems like a very cold person when we judge ourselves. Yet we learn to say no “nicer”.
I really appreciate you, Dr. Ramani, for opening up at such a vulnerable moment and about such a sensitive experience. A true teacher, among other things.
Whatever it is, we validate what you went through, and denounce anyone who gaslighted your pain.
Hearing this reminded me of a situation I once learned about. For eg: like going along in a car with a speedy driver. you feel the fear but you DONT ask them to slow down or say something or get out of the car. It WILL get one into trouble. From what I’ve understood, the trauma response of strictly saying NO to everything after that trauma, is a trauma response also and will also need to get tempered. The PTSD after a terrifying trauma, being extremely on guard constantly, even to the point of it being able to knock the fawn response out the window, eventually also will need to be dialled back. I know of situations where it took people YEARS of therapy and medication to unlearn a strong “NO” response that we might latch on to as protection, to replace the “fawn response” that we once had. That strong “NO” we might hold on to, that we’re so suddenly brave to do, like a shield of armour, that is also a trauma response that we may eventually need to learn to temper. We will need to learn to let go of that strict “NO” voice that we suddenly found, because it will shut down our lives. It will create flattened moods, even depression. It may cause anxiety more than we may realize. It may cause anger and irritability. So it seems it’s actually a very delicate balance of learning when to allow a “yes” WITHOUT FAWNING, and learning when, despite wanting to fawn in a dangerous situation, we make the concerted choice to say NO instead. It’s always a balancing act. We can’t get too much into the NO just like we can’t keep saying YES to everything. But it takes a while (months or more) after the trauma for one to really grasp that it could be possible to straddle that line.
As a former lifelong fawner myself, the snap of the rubber band happened for me as well and am grieving the friendlier/extroverted self I was as well as question if that extroversion was/is a mask or a part of my authentic self 🥺
Thanks so much Dr. Ramani for sharing your story and your wisdom. It takes a lot of courage to share these stories as a therapist because there’s so much on us about what you should or shouldn’t share with your clients. However, I think coming from a personal perspective makes the truth much more real for all of us. You’re sharing things that you know because you’ve learned them internally and I love and respect you for that. Thank you. Your posts are invaluable to me as someone who is in recovery from narcissistic abuse. I believe I have also finally made an exit from being a first class fawner. I have made friends with my No, and I can even enjoy the experience. Highly recommended!
so so helpful , your videos are so timely . The gut intuition has always knows. I love when you say find your NO.
All so true… especially the ‘nobody wants to be upset’ part. We all expect to experience hard things in life, so the devastation usually comes from turning to safe spaces for help or healing and realizing how unsafe they are…
Hug 💓 So sorry.
The invalidating, minimizing, and disappearing after a trauma is very difficult. The gaslighting and toxic positivity too. Can be a lot of grief. Magnifies the lack of safety and etches the trauma in more deeply 💯 Finding out people don't care after a trauma does add another layer to it too. I think connection is very important to survival and some sense of safety to hold onto... however limited. I felt it beforehand too. Went anyways. Holding onto that "no" more does seem important. First they put us in danger and then they leave us in danger is so true and upsetting. So sorry you've been suffering because of it. You've been in my thoughts. Hug.
Im literally in tears that you went through something so bad, and you just try and help people. You didn't deserve this.
no ome deserves it....I can write book - saved lived,was left for dead. Some of us do not come from good places and attract it.
Women who neither fawn nor freeze win zero popularity contests. Welcome to the club, Dr. R. :) Healing and peace to you during your recovery.
I know experiences happen for us to learn from & evolve, yet compassion and empathy hold us up so we can keep on keeping on ~ and you have mine in spades, Ms. Ramani.
You have my deepest gratitude for your courage in speaking to these tough things so others can find their own voice & courage & resolve. Bless you on your continuing Journey of Faith.
I totally get it! ❤ my heart is with you on the rise. I told myself when it happened to me that it was going to be the best thing that ever happened to me. The healing process was arduous. I don’t love that this happened to you. But I know in my heart of hearts that you will pull out some very helpful wisdom from this that will help many, many, many. I thank you for your presence and your service ❤
Dr Ramani, I am so sorry about whatever happened to you. And I am so sorry about any invalidating response you got when you told people about your experience. Please know that are so so many people, from all over the world, that care deeply about you and believe you and hope you are ok. You are such a kind, selfless, compassionate, bright light in this world!! You have helped so many people get through the darkest experiences in their lives. You are so selfless to share your knowledge, expertise and wisdom. We are all so lucky to have your support. We believe you. Thank you for sharing. We are so sorry for whatever happened. We love you and hope you are ok.
I totally understand 😢❤ strength, courage, wisdom, prudence, fortitude and grace be with you, with us ALL!
💔🤯 " first they lead us to danger and then they leave us in danger." Poignant and so heartwrenchingly accurate.
I HATE when I fawn! I get so angry at myself because I see myself as a fighter.
So glad you're still here, hope you feel better soon, and thanks sincerely for sharing your experience. So sorry this happened to you. Twice.
This captivating video triggers a flood of painful memories from the end of my 6-year relationship just three months ago. The woman I loved with all my heart chose to walk away, leaving me grappling with an insurmountable sense of loss. Despite my relentless efforts to salvage what we had , I'm left feeling disillusioned and unable to imagine a future without her. Despite my attempts to move on , I'm drawn to express my deep-seated longing for her here.
The struggle to release someone dear to your heart is undeniably arduous. I empathize, having experienced a similar circumstance when my 8 year relationship concluded. Refusing to accept defeat, I pursued every conceivable avenue to reclaim his affection. Eventually, I sought the assistance of a spiritual counselor, whose wisdom and intervention played a pivotal role in reuniting us.
Incredible! Where did you find a spiritual counselor, and how can I get in touch with her?
Suzanne Ann Walters is the name of an exceptional spiritual counselor renowned for her ability to reunite you with your former partner.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online.
Scam alert😂
One of the best things I ever did was make a document on my computer labeled "I'm not crazy" where I just list any crazy thing certain family members did. It's weirdly comforting, when they cross a small boundary, to know that I'm not being sensitive - I'm just being reminded of what they are capable of.
I'm so sorry you're going through so much. You've been life changing for me. I hope you recover fully ❤
The fawn response robs us of the best thing we have to offer. There is pleasure and fulfillment in nurturing and supporting someone. There is a thin line but a thick distinction between that and enabling someone. Sometimes lifting somebody up feels the same as carrying their baggage. It's your "feelings" that offers the abilty of descerment . Those of us with the fawn response have been programed to ignore our feelings.
Having lived through a damaging relationship that escalated into near disaster it was so important to have the support that allowed me to escape and heal through the trauma you are describing. I was very lucky I realise now and I hope you are receiving the support and understanding and that you are in a safe place. I have often listened to your advice over the last four years to try and understand the personality I was dealing with and knowledge is empowering. Thank you for sharing your experience and knowledge I'm sure your insight {and courage,} will be a huge help for so many it certainly has been for me. ❤🤗
Hope you are well. Thank you for sharing & giving people a real look at how we can all fall back a little but also that we can use it as a reminder & learning to get back on track. I go over things in my head and try to find the more favorable outcome. One day at a time, it’s all we are given. ❤😊
I feel like i had this moment but never had the words for it until i saw this . Thank you!
Thank you, Dr Ramani. I’m so so sorry you had to go through all that. I hope that hitting “rock bottom” will help you to come back stronger. I’m sending you so much love and strength. From a fellow fawn responder xxxx
Blessings to you, dear Dr Ramani! I pray that you are safe and well now❤
Stay safe Dr Ramani. You are greatly appreciated!
Dr. Ramani. If you see this, thank you for your courageous vulnerability. Being seen as the problem has been bothering me a lot lately. "Putting us in danger and then leaving us in danger," also really strikes a bell. I'm still in freeze and hopelessness - trauma soup, basically. I feel so weak and hate myself. My entire life was dissociation, I guess. I wish I knew how to function in society. Your videos have been a big help in raising the awareness. The development is the issue now.
I wish you a complete and gentle healing. Thanks again.
Dearest Dr. Ramani, I'm so incredibly sorry you have to go through so much pain while you are such a great inspiration for us all. Be well 🙏🙏💕💕
Oh Dr! I'm so sorry this happened but so profoundly glad you found your NO! and you shared this. Much wisdom here. Thank you so much for sharing what must have been a nightmare to go through.
I'm a clinician and this just brought me to tears in terms of my own faun response. THANK YOU.
Dear Dr Ramani, thank you for revealing the effects and consequences of these traumatic events in your life. Nothing is more powerful than a personal story and this one illustrates the fawning response in brilliant lights. It is not an easy concept to understand and for me it has been baffling and humiliating to recognize. At the age of 70 I am just beginning to see that it has controlled me all my life and to dismantle it. In being so open with your own experience of it you have given me a much deeper understanding of and a lot more compassion for myself. I salute your courage.
Amazing! Thank you for being a REAL one offering the REAL work from your personal experience- priceless!!
I really needed that message. I will work hard. thank you. all the very best for your future, Dr. Ramani.
Please take care of yourself. You are loved by all us netizens.
Dr. Ramani if it wasn’t for your videos, I’d relate with this one or could’ve been dead. My traumatic experience happened two weeks ago but fortunately I trusted my body, my instincts. Even tho I managed to survive without any physical harm, I am still going through phases and there you are once AGAIN helping me. I cannot thank you enough for your service. You are an inspiration, a great woman, a power.
You cant die!! Not now... make the odds against narcissists and stay alive. 🎉 hugs and wish you speedy recovery
Your emotion gets into your voice and makes me wanna cry. You are me, and I am you in this “disease to please.”
Dr. Ramani, I'm so sorry these things happened to you, but so thankful you're going to be okay. Here's to saying goodbye to fawning Ramani and hello to HNR, HELL NO Ramani. 💜💜💜
Chillout...
I can honestly say I understand. My heart goes out to you, Dr. Ramani. The fawn response was my body's default for so many years, and it got me harmed. I am consciously fighting that instinct every day now, so I can look out for myself and not be coerced into bad situations. Sending you healing thoughts!
Im so glad you are sharing this. Its shining a huge light on my own struggles with fawning and also how to support others. Your videos are so genuine, because you live it. Must be painful, but so helpful to rest of us.
Absolutely 💯
Work on using your voice and finding your inner courage, the more you practice the better you’ll get at building the skill until it becomes easy.
I worked in industry as a senior scientist until 1990 when I moved into academia. Among the eye opening differences was that while my successes in industry were applauded, my successes in academia were seen as a threat and I always paid a steep price for them. In industry my successes meant successes for our division while in academia everyone is out for themselves. Now I understand when a colleague said that she was told if you interview for a position in academia you can act like you are enthusiastic but not too much.
Thank you for caring and helping us. Fawn response has helped me survive, but costs me actual living. And left me utterly and completely alone whenever I fall ill or weak, there is just a Greek tragedy chorus mumbling their dissa
Dissapointment and impatient disapproval. So your words gave me this gentle support I really needed. Big hug and do get well❤
So Brilliant. First hand experiences are the best. "They're harmful twice. First they put us in danger, and then they leave us in danger. It's uncomfortable to integrate those truths."
Take care of yourself, Dr! We need you!
Thank you for sharing this story!That’s exactly the conclusion I reached just a week ago. Everything you described in those first 5-10 minutes reflects exactly what I’ve been through over the past few weeks-how I felt, the reactions I got from people, even from my own family when I tried to explain what was happening.
Realizing I was on my own in this, I made the choice to back off completely-from the situation and the person who caused it. Since then, I’ve been focusing on getting myself back together, and honestly, cutting all communication has helped me feel so much better.❤
also I was put in danger-and for the second time in lest few months and now to realise and accept what is going on.Thank you for sharing your story-it’s not as it’s not easy to accept that someone could act that way for so long, but your perspective is both relatable and inspiring and because you shared it I’ve come to understand that even though we can try to be cautious and learn from others’ experiences, these things can still happen. What’s important is finding the strength to stand up, walk away, and remove ourselves from people or situations that aren’t safe or healthy for us.
Thank you
This really struck me. I know exactly what you mean when you say something “broke” within you. It is real. It is hard. Things become clear. For me, the word “Enough” appeared. I found that I no longer cared what they thought or even said about me. And you added that they can live in their unreality. Oh, I know this. The sleep disruption passes and in a wonderful way, the self-questioning and second guessing stops. That is relief. God Bless, Doctor.
I call the fawn response our people pleasing defense that sets us up to fake our way through life… both the enablers as well as the parents or partners who are narcissists suffer from this sickening need to survive by appearing happy with the experience. I try to be a decent person but not pretend to be nice in public. Kindness just like trust does need discernment. My compassion cannot be earned but it also cannot be faked. I’m the judge of when to tolerate behavior that I don’t respect or even like anymore
Timely talk..for me, relatable. I took a short term leave to heal. This was so valuable for me.
Thanks for this- fellow (former) fawner here! I just came out of an intensley narcissistic friendship on the heels over an over narcissistic workplace fallout (that one had several victims). And a church split, in a church I spent nine years in. Your videos have helped me heal from relational betrayals and abuse. And I’ve learned how much growing I’ve done and need to do through these videos, as well as my faith in Jesus. Thank you for being you- and helping hearts heal! 💕
Your honesty and transparency are so refreshing.
I'm going through this transition now, I 've told myself, I am willing to be seen as the villan, for my salvation. It's crazy how my ego sees my act of putting myself first as villanous. It's a rough road but so worth it. To see how I've been dishonoring myself is gut wrenching.
Yes especially if raised by a narc don’t want to be like them..but its not the same..its time to put ourselves first
Your honesty is validating for me. Thank you.
I am happy that you were able to resist the pressure to respond with aggression, because that is what they were hoping for, in order to reflect the blame on to you 🔁.❤
You are loved ❤ Dr. Ramani!!! Thank you for blazing this trail about narcissism for the rest of us. If I had never heard your voice on this, I'm confident I would still be very broken and confused. Fortunately, I'm away from my narc ex-husband. I would like to leave this saying for everyone:
"In a world that hasn't been kind, I choose to embrace the happiness I've earned."
Author unknown.
Sending you all the best and warmest vibes ✨ ❤ This was a great reminder that saying no is progress.
Thank you Dr Ramani, im sorry for what youve gone through recently and I am glad you've been able to say no. I've recently had a similar experience. I have had nightmares from my abuse my entire life, unable to say no and call 911 in my dreams. Last month, I was finally able to say no and like you, woke up screaming NO from my dream. So powerful.
I see you, I hear you, I feel you....hugs and love.
I was in a dangerous situation two days ago and I really needed to hear this today. Thank you.
You have become my mirror. I cannot express the very similar nuances I'm experiencing in my life right now. That Fawn response literally woke me up thrusting me into endless research of what was happening and boy oh boy Life lessons are not kind
I’m sorry for you and hope that you are on a healing path. Thank you for introducing us to fawn response.
I am so sorry to hear this. I can relate to the nightmares in particular, and trauma, of course; that's why I'm here. I'm sending you so much love from western NY. ❤️ 💗 💓 i hope things ease up as soon as possible.
This was incredibly relevent to me in a situation I’m in right now. THANK YOU. I’m so sorry for the suffering you are enduring though. May we all find peace AND safety.
I really understand "easy breezy" and get your story Dr Ramani.I did exactly the same thing recently and was targeted while in a fawn state ,I was so mad at myself later for being so easily targeted,so easily manipulated and I INTUITIVELY KNEW I WAS MAKING A MISTAKE but I did it anyway against my own better judgement.!Now I realize this can Never happen again.I revisited practicing saying no and paying closer attention to my boundaries .Thank you for not labeling this 'codependence',a word I have come to loathe.Im trying to spend some time in stillness and quiet in nature to regain some inner balance.I wish this for you too.We truly appreciate you.
I am watching The People I work with Fawn all over each other.. And it's triggered unsafe Response in Me. Thank. You for sharing.
My heart goes out to you. I’m sad these things happened to you. I wish you quick recovery and healing. At the same time, I can surely relate as I am always working on not being the nice person, the yes person, the doe-eyed fawn that has been set up to be trapped. I am ever so grateful to you for teaching, guiding and sharing your expertise and even personal experiences. ❤️
Wishing for you healing n wellness joy n I am glad you found the insight … your videos are lifesavers literally😊
Being dismissed and gaslit by someone you trust is a terrible experience. A real shock, a trauma. I'm sorry to hear your story. And not to mention the wildfires near your neighborhood... It must be tough for you. Please stay safe Dr Ramani. And I hope you're on the road of healing. ❤