Do narcissists know they hurt you?
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- Опубліковано 29 вер 2024
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
My reason for wanting to know if they KNOW that they hurt me.... is because it’s actually shocking to me that someone could be so intentionally cruel. (I don’t know why I’m shocked…. I look at Auschwitz, and I see cruelty at levels beyond imagination.)
they are unbelievably cruel. that's what blinds everybody. we say "they can't be that cruel" but the are in reality.
It took me a while before actually accepting people can do this on purpose. I now do believe they know and enjoy the pain in you.
@@nancythornton2947 Yes indeed. Evil incarnate.
Saaame always wondering can someone be that cruel if the victim does nth wrong
@@innerpeace4491 I told the narcissist my sister in law. No. Twice. The second time is when is seen her reaction. The face said it all. Then the smear started. Four and a half years later. I thankful for truth and now no contact with said witch. Happy days ahead.
They re write history to fit their narrative. They end up the victim in their own minds.
Oh Jen, you hit it right on the nail
@Jennifer Wills YEP. I have an ex who always did that. Many times, he would tell me that I told him I was gonna do something that he wanted me to do, but we had clearly not even discussed it. He was always trying to twist my words or just make up a story, to get his way.
Oh so true! X was dealt a bad hand from everyone- from jobs to relationships to familial relationships. It wasn't until he discarded me too that I finally understood that he himself had continuously dealt the bad hand.
reality is whatever best suites them and their sick condition.
Call a psychatrist and get police involved for some one to parent them its all a joke how u try teach human emotions
They say i can change it means a big bullshit.
They know what they are doing. They don't do it to everybody.
This is True! The do turn it on and off...
Good observation. They choose targets. I have also had one who was fresh out of targets try it on me when I'm not one to take it out of necessity. That is entertaining.
Exactly. I think some of us who personally knew narcissist are commenting about this factor. theyre actually completely aware of what theyre doing.
@@aubreyjames8795 they not only know it but they get off on it. As doc says it is their energy supply. I think of the narc as a 24/7 vampire.
exactly. people outside the home get the polished version while everyone who lives with them is raw and scratched by their rough personality
That little smirk on the narcissist's face says it all.
😂😂😂
Omg
The last time I saw my narc, i was crying and the only time he looked at me during, was with a twinkle in his eye and a smirk with pleasure, like aww look at her. and the tears went dry at that moment. so sickening.
This is so flipping true! My step father used to do this to me all the time. Pig!
Not too many people notice that slight smile. Nice job keep on paying attention to the body language.
I once accused my narcissist of caring only when she was hurt. She didn’t ask about what hurt of mine she had missed. She said, “That statement was hurtful.”
Oh yes. I’d be explaining how what he’d say to me would hurt and felt like a personal attack… and he would say “what about when you hurt me?!” I’d ask him to elaborate and it was always a perceived slight due to hypersensitivity or flat out something he made up - just to gloss over what I was telling him I felt. The conversation would become me consoling him, while he was breaking me
@@MoeSoNatural Total self-absorption. That's the narcissist.
The satanic reversal.
@@MoeSoNaturalwow. It's incredible infuriating. Everything is literally about them. No one can get the slightest bit of acknowledgment of how they hurt their loved ones. It's like they're non people.
I've cut my sister out of my life. But I miss her or rather I miss the relationship I thought that we had. It's very sad.
😪
Same as me Nicole
Sometimes it's so painful I wish I could go back to 'not knowing' and then I wonder how long it took me to face it after I *was* aware of the love being only on my side. I wanted it so badly. I think it's important for us to grieve the loss of a healthy paradigm. We aren't wrong for healthy expectations of our family of origin. Let's stop telling ourselves we are stupid or wrong when, in fact, it is them. Maybe being scapegoated or raised to be "wrong" is what we need to realize and overcome...? I keep trying to make sense of it so I can move on..
I not only had to put distance between the narcissistic sister but also the flying monkeys…the other brothers and sisters that support her lies and abuse. I blame her for poisoning their minds against me but I am confused as to why they would follow her so blindly other than they are all so dysfunctional. Saddens me.
@@mazsroy9 in my case the flying monkey is my mother. She's totally brainwashed.
Yes, they know. They choose who they will hurt. It’s definitely a choice.
Dr R, Thank you for everything you do. I recently became aware of of what this monster, soulless woman that I have been with for nearly 14 years is. In my gut, I knew that she was not a good person, but I never understood how deeply evil and manipulating she is. These videos are gold. Better to identify and understand what these God awful creatures are before being damned to a lifetime of misery and roller coaster rides with these relationship assassins who are truly energy vampires and evil..... Like most others who deal with this, , these videos are awesome and spot on. Good luck to all with your purge.
On some level by your reactions they know they hurt you, they dont understand it however and so do not care. They try to fool you by blaming something else, it is amazing how they come up with these excuses so quickly.
No hope of change I believe. No contact forever. For me to say this is really hard because I give many chances to people and had always believed that people are essentially good ...💕💕💕
Narcissistic BF cheated on my ON MY BIRTHDAY first year we were together - played it off like it was MY fault: "You are putting too much pressure on me and it makes me want to run." Left it up to ME to figure out that he'd cheated on me, and when I finally put it all together, tried to say, "Oh, but I felt so guilty I almost COULDN'T!" "Oh, but not TOO guilty." "I guess not." He even took me on an out of town trip to his mistress' town and drove me around, showing me all the places they'd gone to parties together etc.
This so dense with info. Thank you for repeating and giving examples. I just thought of an example of an employee. Let's say he begins a new job. He messes up. Repeatedly. The other employees correct him. He deflects, and keeps on destroying property, loosing clients, hurting people. At what point do you go: wait a minute! This is unacceptable.
And the impulsivity going on, as long as we let it? Carelessness, because there are no real consequences to the Narc. Unless you subtract the narcissistic supply, ignore, distance, there is no real sense of relief.
It's sadistic when it's a repeated defense and you've asked for change. Believe behavior and get out! Deep down they have it out for their mother. They may not be able to hurt her but they can hurt you
I called my mother out on a few things. Not only did she own it, she bragged about it being hurtful and admitted she did it on purpose.
Narcs are incredibly clever at projecting their bad behaviours onto their targets. When you try to resolve anything with them in a normal adult context, they walk away, block you, ignore you and refuse to accept any responsibility. There is no real closure when a relationship ends, you have to close your own chapter on that part of your life.
In October I got myself into a traffic accident, broke my shoulder, ribs, and my helmet was fractured... I could've died that day... Normal parents would be happy I was still alive. Not my narcissistic dad though, he was more concerned about why I "haven't visited him" the last couple of weeks" (he has congestive heart failure and sits at home watching TV all day). Once we met, he felt the need to lecture me and call me an "idiot" (in front of my brother's kids) for not being "an adult yet, and not using a car". And this is Sweden we're talking about, we have great bike-infrastructure where cycling is a common and very viable mode of transportation. After that I didn't talk with him for two weeks. Later he called me wondering "What was wrong, why I didn't care about him, and if I was mad at him". I told him why, "because my loving father calls me an idiot in front of his grand kids, during a time I was in severe pain, after an accident in which I could have lost my life". I got an empty apology and a some sort of fake remorse, and the next time we met he called me an idiot due to some other reason. Not to mention that he calls my home a "rats nest", because I have decided to live in a studio apartment in the city (a very nice apartment) instead of a huge house in the suburbs, like he himself idealizes for people my age. He doesn't respect any life decision that stray from his own norms and ideals and I have been "gray stoning" him since childhood as a natural coping mechanism to deal with his narcissistic behavior. Any sound person would have abandoned that relationship long ago, and I wish I did during my 20s. Today I'm 40 years old and the only reason I stick around is because he is my father, we shared a life together, my childhood, and... well, he is dying... I hope he finds solace on the other side.
The narcissist’s favorite phrase when they hurt you is “I don’t know”
Me, "I don't want to talk about that, it's painful"
Mom, with a deer in the headlights stare, "Well I think it's interesting" and just keeps on going.
Yep
What really gets under my skin is when the next day after they treated you like trash they act as if nothing happened. Crack jokes or love bomb you. It's really crazy-making.
Yes and i always forgave, got it now. Never remorse, never appology, supposedly he helps everybody. But the reality is, everybody helps him for nothing.
What they fail to remember- God is watching and taking notes.
They would also wait for you until your anger dies down. Then they will reapproach you again. When you try to open up the issue. They will 💯 say they can no longer remember and will sweep it under the rug. Pretending that its in the past and both of you must move forward. Manipulating you to let go of their bad behaviors towards you. Or they would apologize but they will still do it all over again after some time has passed. They never ever change no matter how many chances you give or how long you’d wait. Because they don’t value “the chance” you gave them. They will think they can always do anything abusive and expect that you still wont leave. Ive been circling this kind of world myself thats why I am able to see. Its a very very lonely, painful life to live in. I wish to be able to break it…someday.
Then they get angry and accuse you of not loving them for feeling hurt and withdrawing after they hurt you. How can they do that?
My husband does the EXACT same thing to me and won't talk to me about what happened the night before!!!
It just blows my mind how many people go through the abuse of a narcissistic person.
Its usually when a narcissist meets empaths. Be careful they like doing it.
It was confusing because we were best friends for a whole year! I had such a good friendship with this guy. He was my best friend, we talked all the time, he knew everything about my life. And then once we started to become more then best friends it took a whole 180. He’s never been the same since. It sucked because I trusted him so much,and then he wasn’t even who I found him to be. He was so charming, and kind, and dorky. And now I’m like damn nvm.
Well many times it is my mother ,my sister and godmother(so,they are already there)
thought i wrote this!!
@@embrianne2286 sounds like my current situation.
Most crucial thing to know about narcissists: They Don’t Care
They care about being right. That can be used against them
The narc that I know constantly says ‘ I don’t care’ . And boy does she mean it!
I doubt it. They have a lack of empathy. They don’t care if they hurt anyone. It’s all about them. They sure know when they feel slighted.
True. My ex the narc knew exactly what he was doing and so did his family, but nobody cared as long as they got their way with little or no resistance.
@@chaseburns8418 They care about *feeling* right, even when they are wrong. Maybe especially when they are wrong.
I spent a very long time wanting him to see how he hurt me and feel remorse. I finally realized he will never be sorry. You can't be sorry if you never think you do anything wrong.
I spent a long time too trying to make the friendship work, trying to make sense of things, trying to explain things from my perspective, giving her the chance to remedy things when I've already tried from my part... And it hit home to me in a final round of attempt to make things work, that they know (what the issue is), they just don't care (to fix it bcoz they had a "better" supply).
Exactly. Exactly. Exactly.!!!!!!!
exactly, you go round and round in circles and when u finally find out its the same circle again, you have already gone through it enough times, thats when u just quietly leave...
Correct 100 percent!
Yes!!! I think this is why it continues
After they hurt you ,they approach you like nothing happen.
And it’s normal till you find out they have a mental illness and thats when it gets scary
Denial is not a eiver in Eypet
Spot on
I went through this and told him I never wanted to see him again. He told people I was cheating on him. 🤦♀️
Yes! They are crazy! They lack feelings they think they are entitled to anything. They have a God complex.
People need to understand... "They simply DON'T CARE..."...
Don't care at all mine use to laugh at my pain. Sometimes get frustrated when I tried to tell him how hurt I was. He'll tell me it was all my fault. If I did what he said he would've had to do what he did. And majority of the time I didn't do anything wrong to him.
I have a nightmare narc fam member. They DONT CARE DONT CARE!!!!!
PREACH!
Omg Pray to God to cover you😮
Exactly!
What I have noticed is that once you show that they have hurt you, they don't want to feel the pain that they hurt you and they gaslight you as if the problem is you being hurt by their actions.
Sara G. Yes, exactly. My ex could be very slippery that way. He'd deflect, not apologize, and usually just say, "SO! Where do we go from here?" My answer always was, "I have no idea." So we went no where.
Yeah, after I would say something like "I assume you didn't mean to, but this thing was hard for me, next time could we..."
And then get
I didn't do it, you did
You trained me to do it
I didn't know you could have noticed
I'm the most horrible person and I don't deserve to live, comfort me for hours because I can't handle hearing that I wasn't perfect and you may be upset with me
@@prairieN The last strategy that you mentioned there is a very common one. "Boo hoo I'm so awful sniff sniff".Just a way of putting the spotlight back on themselves and fishing for reassurance and compliments. Instead of just copping to what they did. They'll do anything to avoid feeling the shame associated with admitting fault.
My mom‘s favorite saying was, nothing we can do about it now.
They don't feel pain when they hurt you! They aren't avoiding that!
After he hurt you, they act offended, flip everything over, and expect an apology that they don’t even accept 🤯.
yep! if the world was sane every narcissist would be forever discarded.
Wow...did you read that...that's twisted......well said...scarey
Facts !!
A repeat pattern of hurting someone is called a Decision
There you go.
Ultimately yes
GREAT POINT!! Exactly 🎯 ~
Been there twice. U r 100% correct. Why is that so hard for us to accept though?
I heard that! ❤️
Accidentally hurting someone made me think of the quote “Even a dog knows the difference between being kicked and being stumbled over”
Never heard of it its cool 😎 (no english speaker)
Exactly good analogy !
owwww! that hit me hard!
Well Said.
Excellent comment!Having been cast as the dog in your quote i say yes .this is it .
Even if narcissists know they hurt you, they don’t care. The only ones they’re concerned with getting hurt are themselves.
Hurt people hurt people why its their defensive coping mechanism that protects their fragile ego that says it was a joke fake emotion right my advice to you turn t
Ables on them in public they dont mind humiliating others but when it turns inself humiliation turn to defensive fact they say always that are perfect thats a lie if so why do they need to hurt people and means they incapatible and fall short of perfection this gets them in narcissistic rage remeber its never about you its purely them.
Here a tip practise cognitive dissoance this scares the shit out of them why well if u say it u mean it means if u cant get ur shit together piss off and discard them b4 they know u leave them this will show off the image of imperfaction.
Perfect people can admit facts and change but those low life how low can you go
You can also figure out if they know by how they hurt you.. they know exactly what hurts you the most
My friends who work in higher ed as adjuncts claim the tenured and administrators are using them, hurting them, and oppressing their voices. The union works for the tenured employees not the contingent faculty (who are on the front lines teaching their full freshman courses) yet the tenured (privileged) places pressure on their part time adjuncts to pay dues? Part time faculty pays the same for PARKING FEES as FT Tenured? When this is going on in the workplace, the academics who claim how much they care, yet there is ZERO empathy BECAUSE higher education gains profit from the marginalization of faculty who are adjunct. Media is paid off and never mentions this disgusting practice, this is hidden and kept secret. If adjuncts stand up, they are suddenly off of the course schedule, and in the food stamp line. This is higher ed narcisim and the Presidents who push this abuse of educators who are on the front lines, refuse to answer to it. THE TRUTH HURTS so it is hidden.
@@gethteddy here a tip
Watch richard grannon fear narcissist than use technique and disarm them so their techniques wont work by doing so say statements lets agree to disagree means
Here a tipstop being people pleaser this means they find u boring why its best fact all they are doing talking about them and their exthis is like saying im fucking guilty send me mental health blames others and flying monkeys.
Here funny my narc asked me a question right due to their entitlement is it ok if i invite 3 more people to movies than is it ok if you pay wait until all her clients in gym and start talking condesending to them here how it work frail bruised ego and its vertical relationship this is stupid right they think their godlike and special treatment this clashes two personality parent/ child
They assume their ur parent and ur their child right sick game but than when ir exposing them ur playing their parent and they are the child
Than their other traits are
ANGEL saviour helper rescuer
DEMON they talk alot by trangulation about others their game is to win but they are sore lossier
I remember my close friend always said “ it’s all about me.” I didn’t know what she meant by that comment. I was in my 20’s always made excuses for her. She didn’t have a good relationship with her family. Her mother was married several times, not to her father. She grew up on welfare and was so angry. Ten years later she was on a business and called me up crying the she didn’t have money and I always wanted to help her so I let her use my credit card for emergencies. Within a month she maxed it up over and over the limit. I have good credit so it went through. She cried and promised me that she would what ever she can to pay me back, but when ever I asked her for my money she would cry and say she didn’t have it. But she always had money to go out to eat, and take vacations because she “needed them.” The signs are always there.
When you figure out "they just don't care" can be very liberating.
Thank you for your devotion to helping those of us who have suffered at the hands of narcissists.
So true...
I agree. Realizing they just don't care frees you from believing you can change your actions, your words and make a difference. You accept it is not you and stop beating yourself up for not being good enough to meet their needs.
@@kenp9596 on the other hand, it bothers me that they aren‘t intentionally hurting you. It‘s like, you can‘t really make them accountable. Like little children, that don’t really know what they‘re doing…
Would be easier for me if they were aware of the fact that what they‘re doing is evil.
@@Anna_Helena Thank you. Good point.
They use and abuse you and leave you emotionally drained and devastated.
.
no no no....not emotionally drained and devastated ..... do the work to heal yourself and come out of the situation better and free !! the best revenge is a life well lived.. My life without my ex is so much better !!! I don't hold any malice toward him.
cathy judge get happy .they don’t like you being happy
@@annefraser653 I just said my life is so much better without him.
Shafaq Ali.
Try meditation and use your own inbuilt goodness to overcome this negativity. Concentrate on yourself and what pleases you and calms you. Do not let this burden you and seek to divert your mind with things that benefit your mental health. Even exercise /walking.
@@katyflame3668 thans
When u realize how damaged they are..u are ahead of the game.
I was so relieved to learn about the condition of narcissism. I knew something was wrong with her for a very long time but always arrived at the wrong conclusions as to why - and made excuses for her. Not any more. I just need to dispose of these residual feelings I have in my heart for her as a human being and then I’ll be free. Understanding that it’s not personal and that the real tragedy is the condition that she has inherited (or has acquired in part) still leaves me torn, despite all the hurt and suffering she has caused me and others in her life.
@@aerofart Superb observation
I'm learning about how little self esteem they have. The only way of feeling better is by taking down a compassionate and caring person and making them feel less
@@sarahb7254 exactly. I had 56 years of narcissism from my mother. Bad to start off with, she got worse. She had some humanity at times but was severely mentally ill under her happy mask. They take you down. They suck attention from their kids. They fuss over strangers. They cannot discuss emotions relating to them altho they can be good listeners. You are made as kids to know everything is Yr fault and u become with her a people pleaser... And in many other relationships but generally you wreck them with underlying rage. Relief when they die, but u still have to pick up the pieces to understand the abuse they doled out, not forgetting how sad and empty their glittering lives are.
I mean we who are in a narc relationship, we are also deeply damaged, so yes, you are ahead in your own introspection and healing process.
Get over it, it happened a long time ago!
Says the narcissist!
Oh yea i heard that line yesterday from my aunt. Then to make it look like I'm the one with a problem starts telling me things about myself that aren't even true. Straight up toxicity is the narc of any kind.
A long time ago! ha! I’ve heard that over & over
A long time ago!!!!!!!! Give me a break
That morning.. ha
@Maddy Grayson same here 😥
“Calm down.” “I was just joking.” “It’s no big deal.” “Your perception is off.” That’s all I was ever told when I tried to share my feelings of hurt.
'You are too sensitive'
I had “you are too fragile” “you are too sensitive” “you are too dramatic” “you are validation-seeking and egocentric” . She's never apologised for how she’s made me feel. In fact, she just points the finger at me and tells me where I went wrong after I already sincerely apologised. I have not seen this woman in a while and it bothers her. Now she's messaging trying to make me feel guilty for changing my mind and to feel sympathy for her loneliness.
Dad would tell me "You didn't interpret that right." Not true. He was controlling me, I'm no-contact now!
"You misinterpreted what I said."
The smirk is the dead giveaway that a N knows what they've done. The supply is just too delicious --
25centsworth oh totally. When my narcissistic mom baits you and you finally get upset or lose your temper, she gets this sick, disgusting smile on her face. Like she’s accomplished something.
I’ve seen that smirk all too many times. Monsters!
Well said.
Omg the smirk that creepy smirk....
Does the smirk look like the Joker's?
The narc might even get angry that you've tried to explain that they hurt you, which justifies in their head even worse behavior towards you in the near future. It's a weird "how dare you accuse me of being such a terrible person! I'll show you"! Then they get "even" by doing the same behavior or worse because you had such audacity for saying you were hurt by them. Your complaint does not fit the picture they have in their head of how good and wonderful they are.
My mother has started so many sentences with "how dare you..."
This a good point you're making.
@N D I hear you! I think we take responsibility and even apologise when they are so clearly in the wrong, just so we can restore peace. We know that we will be left waaaaaiting if it were up to them to make it right
omfg 1000% spot on
💯
Before watching here is my answer from experience. That smerk they have when they press your buttons or intentionally abuse you says it all. They know and they enjoy it. They are sadistic.
Right on point.
Yes. They'll make me so angry, when I try my best to ignore them. and they'll say, sweet as treacle , " Why don't you let it all out? Don't keep it in."
Yes my partner has a smerk on his face , and sometimes he make sound hehe openly, he cut me off when I am talking and says lift your tongue that’s not how you pronounce the word etc. Now I don’t talk to him period.And he ruined my happy times.
My theory is that there can be degrees of the disorder. Some narcs are merely thoughtless. Those who seek to hurt and get gratification from it are higher on the narc scale and show sociopathic tendencies.
My ex wore a big smirk on his face when he made my blood boil......It was either a smirk or a quick exit for weeks n weeks on end out of our 4 yr so called relationship that was a very very one sided sexless non intimate relationship
This happened during my entire marriage. What she mentioned from start to finish. I wasted a lot of years, hoping he would someday see the light.
It actually gets worse as they get older.
Don't waste your years like I did.
I'm sorry you had to go through that.
Jackie I wasted 31 and counting
@@Hundredacredaycare Same here. 30 years. Thing is, times weren't always bad, or we wouldn't have stayed. You've probably seen as I have that gets worse in time vs better. And, what we saw & experienced when they hit middle age. I'm divorced now because of it. They morph into something that's not only mind-shattering, but an embarrassment.
My heart goes to you, I had a narcissist mother so I knew how it feels .
They do get worse with age. The narcissism petrifies and becomes impenetrable, turning in on itself.
"Narcissists are just really careless." So true. They know they hurt you, they just don't care.
They care that they are successful at hurting you.
They hurt you for fun. Some people are just evil.
That is what he always openly tells me "I DONT CARE!"
They care about their wants, their needs, their image and their reputation. They're more interested in whether or not others know what they did v. having or showing regret, remorse or empathy for the pain and harm they cause. They are aware. They just don't care. This is confirmed by their continuous and intentional bad and destructive behavior. They can be charming, impulsive, with various addictions (alcohol, porn, etc.) and are extremely deceitful, strategic, insecure, unfaithful, abusive, and unwilling to do what's necessary for real change to take place. They seek instant gratification and expect immediate and unearned forgiveness and blind trust. Don't isolate yourself, find someone you can talk to or seek counseling, trust your gut, believe behavior, not their words. You must set and enforce boundaries to keep yourself safe (mentally, spiritually, physically).
Aahh....but they will never be so careless with someone who they are trying to impress!! Suddenly they are very attentive.
Its a constant cycle of " being punished". If they are offended, they want to punish someone for their pain. And it never ends. They always find something to be offended about. No matter how perfect and comfortable you make things for them.
WORD!
yes!!!! 💯
TRUE!
YESSSSSS. Sorry for the caps I got excited bc someone spoke my truth 🤣
Yessssss that’s right
And when they get angry, they start describing you with the adjectives that in actuality describe their own destructive behavior.
And it gets so scary because you’re like “ wait ! It was everything I wanted to tell YOU! How did you get there first ? “
Exactly
Chant to yourself when being devalued by narcosaurus🦖, "I am rubber, you are glue. Anything you say bounces right off of me and actually describes how you feel about YOU."
Narcissist calls you weird because they hate how weird they feel they are deep down and they are embarrassed.
Narcissist calls you overly emotional because they feel like they are too emotional deep down and they feel ashamed of feeling feelings.
Narcissist calls you a mess because they are actually a huge wacko discombobulated icky gross mess of a person on the inside.
Good ol' narcky narc calls you old because they feel old and they are scared of aging out of relevance in society.
Narcissist says you're "being too much", "you're way too much", "you're far too much", "I don't want all this drama" because they are not good enough for you and they can't measure up to everything you want, need, and deserve from a connection with them but they can't admit that they are incapable of providing you with genuine goodness so they act like you're super dramatic and too much work when really they just super suck at being a solid consistent person who can be there for you in all ways that actually matter.
And on and on.
So true!!
Right?! That's what my last ex did! That's why I dumped his butt. He followed the most ridiculous behavior:
Step 1: Be the only one to lash out when I told all my friends how I'd like to be treated in the future. I didn't deal with nor bring up the past. Just was all, "Hey, all, I'm in a healing process here, and I need to let you all know how I'd like to be treated from now on." I did set some boundaries like personal space kinds of things, but it really wasn't a big thing. Everyone else was supportive towards me, and I thought he would be too! Instead, he just completely blew up like an A-bomb in my face (thankfully, this was via email, not in person, so at least there was that).
Step 2: Tell me I had no right to accuse him of treating me badly (which I had not done), then claim he didn't know of any times he ever did (which there were, though again, I had not brought any of that up at all), then ask me for examples of times he did, then tell me that there were "all these times (he) could name" when I supposedly broke all these "rules" he claimed I was making for him.
Step 3: When I pointed out to him that I hadn't planned on going into any of the past, but that I was able to name some very real and specific instances, and then did so, he tried gaslighting. "I don't remember that" and "All my friends know me better than that, so you have no right to say these things about me." Then he refused to name any times when I supposedly broke these supposed "rules" I was supposedly "making for (him)", saying instead, "I can't name any specific instances, you just do these things all the time." What a cop-out. He just couldn't admit that he'd lied to try to make me feel bad.
Step 4. Made up a ton of excuses for doing all the things he claimed he'd never done, tried to throw some religious charisma into the mix, and then claimed that I was the bad one for not "breaking up amicably" with him. I had not said I was breaking up with him, but I was very ok with the idea after all this tripe from him, so that's exactly what I did. Wrote the "Dear John" email to end them all (I just really didn't feel like talking to him even over the phone at this point), and dumped his ass so hard it's probably still rug burned, lol! Then I blocked him from every avenue of communication, moved a few times without telling anyone that knew him, and got on with my life sans him.
This whole thing came totally out of nowhere, was an "argument" he picked himself, I think out of a bloatedly guilty conscience, and here I'd already forgiven him for all that junk in the past and left it there (and at those times, had told him so), and had taken a very generic "Moving forward positively" approach when telling everyone how I wanted to be treated (and inviting them to tell me how they wanted to be treated too). Conclusion: unhealthy people just can't deal with others getting healthy, regardless of why that is. I'll always chalk him up as one of the most bizarre people I ever met.
I feel like because I'm a positive and happy person by nature he's trying to break me. Trying to make me miserable like him!
Your so right.
That's exactly
what he's trying
to do. It will
only get worst.
The longer you
stay with this
guy. You have
what he doesn't.
Happiness!!!
I was told.
You can't stay
or be happy
all the time.
That comment.
Was the definition
of their false belief
and not my reality
to what happiness
should be. We all
perceive what happy
emotions feel and
looks like. No one
can create someones
happiness. You either
have it or you don't.
RUN
Yes i completely understand with this i even felt him get in nasty attitude because he was envious.that i was in good mood .he had to destroyany positive thought .i had . . . I thought he was pushing me to kick him out to force my hand so he wouldnt feel guilty .because i never lashed back .an he had no reason behind his discard .to his family who have always been flying monkeys
@@baileyleah2376
His family taught
him everything
he knows. How
to hurt and abuse
people. LEAVE HIM
AND NEVER RETURN.
Same here
narcissist is crazy, they are happy when they see others suffer. they are heartless.
And soulless.
I think they just are unfeeling. They simply have no empathy for others.
My grandfather was loughing as a child when he saw me crying...I'll never forget that!! Thank You!!!
Exactly they are crazy and heartless
@@aerofart Deep down they are ashamed of their behavior, and chances are they bring issues from the past that happened to them and channel it on other folks. Nobody apologized when I got hurt so why should I apologize to you. They are so wrapped up in their own feelings of "being special" that they don't realize that their "Specialness" is at the hands of other people. Carelessness is so right on. I've noticed that if you don't have proper lifeskill lessons growing up, it will effect you big time bad as an adult. If you're late with Homework, you'll be late with work assignments, if you borrow money from a friend and they demand it back they get nasty and defensive, when you yell at them, they manipulate them into thinking you're being too hard on them, but deep down they are ashamed not knowing that "Money" that they owe you could be needed to pay a bill, and they "did" promise to pay you back on that day. Then they know that you're responsible because you always have an extra "Dollar" to spare so if they don't pay you on time it's no big deal because you probably had the money to put away in the first place.
Dr. Ramani, I owe you THOUSANDS of dollars for your advice over the last few months!
Valarie Parker AND?
Same here!
They know and they don't really care, it's not about you, it's all about them.
The narcissists in my life never ever appologized for anything.
Same with me. Never an apology for anything, ever. Never took responsibility for pain he caused. Ever. Never ever ever in all my growing up.
I'm finally starting to deal with the reality and let it be my past and not my future. Already had a failed marriage due to fallout of growing up with someone like this.
He or she won't ever apologize either. There is no remorse. Mine publicly accused me of things I didn't do. Many of the things he wrote were things he did to me and he used the 3rd person.
In the 14 mth experience with my exnarc he only apologized once for getting physical abusive with me and even then it was half assed. He said he realized just because i disrespect him doesn't make it right 4 him to disrespect me. Btw what infuriated him was that i wouldn't give him eye contact during arguments
Isn't it incredible, a person goes through life without making a single mistake!
I love that you are a clinical psychologist and have the training and maturity to speak on this. It’s appreciated and valued.
Keep in mind that the VAST MAJORITY of "clinical psychologists" receive no academic education or post-doc education on the differential diagnosis of Cluster B disorders. Someone being a clinical psychologist really does not make them knowledgeable on this topic whatsoever...and...even more disturbing, it is important to remember how many clinical psychologists and psychiatrists go into these professions because they are narcissists themselves, have a DAILY NEED to feel superior to others, and are entirely lacking in empathy for others but capable of feigning empathy (because they DO teach clinicans how to effectively manipulate clients while feigning empathy for them (yes, seriously). I so much wish I were kidding about this. Narcissists are allowed to be...and are...licensed professionals who masquerade as clinicians who have empathy for others, and they have ZERO professional responsibility to inform you of this when you walk into their office for therapy...or buy their books...or watch their videos. Sadder still, those who oversee their initial clinical work so they can obtain their licensing often RECOGNIZE that they are narcissists, but that does not prevent them from being licensed to practice. Yes, seriously.
...and it should also go without saying that there are some clinicians out there with healthy levels of empathy and compassion but, even so, that is no guarantee that they will have received any education on the differential diagnosis of Cluster B disorders, much less have gone to the further post-doc educational training on the differential diagnosis of others (a highly specialized degree and very expensive to obtain).
Sadly, there are some HIGHLY narcissistic individuals who are intentionally getting into the field of giving guidance on "narcissistic abuse" who are narcissists themselves. Sadly, some of these individuals are stealing other people's UA-cam video-content to create their own content, and scouring comment sections to find content they can use to create their own videos. I am not now...nor have I ever been...a content creator here on YT, or elsewhere, but I've noticed this happening as I've been researching Cluster B disorders for the last 7-8 years.
Please...DO NOT BE TAKEN IN...by "licensed professionals" in this field. Some of these people are merely getting into this field because it is currently very lucrative to do so, and it helps them to get publishing deals, and to get paid for speaking engagements at conferences, and to sell the books after they've gotten publishing deals...even when the individual has NO EDUCATION or academic training in the differential diagnosis of Cluster B disorders.
Keep in mind, narcissists obtain narcissistic supply by BEING ADMIRED BY OTHERS, and having others telling just how much they respect, admire, appreciate and value their "knowledge" and or "experience".
This is intended to prevent you from being DUPED and used as narcissistic supply by covert narcissists. Wishing you well~
@@stephanier6783 ok....but how does this apply to Dr. Ramani?
Fu
Yes absolutely, Thank God for you Dr. R
@@abrahamgoesmooit doesn't, she was just giving us a heads up so we are not duped and further abused while on our healing journey
Yes they do, and they take pride on it. They feel superior when they are able to confuse you, manipulate you or somehow subjugate you.
once you get a glimpse the " evil smirk" there is no more doubt they know, & also feed of your pain..there's no sugar coating it..
Yep. My former friend/colleague. Once I saw the smirk, I asked her what she was laughing at, what was so funny. She tried to deny it and said nothing. Then I went down the laundry list of atrocities she committed against me, including ones she didn't think I knew about. The look on her face was a bug-eyed, slack-jawed, ghost white expression doing an impression of a fish out of water. I removed myself from her presence only to be bombarded with a series of shouty, grammatically-incorrect, poorly spelled ranty text messages and unintelligible, screeching voicemails. I left her on read for the rest of the day which, no doubt, drove her nuts. The next day, I responded with two words: “grow up.” For clarity, she was a middle-aged woman, with two grown kids and was a grandmother but behaved like an overgrown middle school mean girl who never emotionally matured past the age of 12. During one of her meltdowns, she reacted like she had the emotional maturity of a five-year-old.
I can see the smirks on family, friends, nonprofit directors, so many. 😢
I would be crying and he would stand there staring at me with no emotion and silent. Never an apology. Always my fault.
I've been there and done that. Too bad I learned my lesson late. Barely got out alive. I was shot but survived. "Look what you made me do," was his only response. If you are young in this type of relationship, plan your exit carefully; never confront or tell him you are leaving! Been free of this monster for 40 yrs now!
Same
Yep. Totally non feeling. Can't even hold you. Once he did pat me on the head. We've and looked out the front windows. Cause he didn't know what to do. He had to know. He was messed up. That he should've felt something. I think he felt sorry cause he made me cry. But didn't know what to do. Not that he actually felt remorse for me.
Same. And then towards the end of our relationship (4 months ago) I would be crying and he would cover my mouth and say “stop crying, the neighbors are going to hear you”
this gives me hardcore trigger, i know EXACTLY what you mean.
They feel entitled to hurt people. To them, the world owes them everything and they have to get away with whatever they do. Their apologies are shallow and not heartfelt. Your hurt is their pleasure.
It's absolutely sick in my opinion. If you even address the matter or question them. Here comes their flying monkeys. The insanity seems to never end. Attention seeking users.
💯💯
Yeah. HA ! I say to the Narc. Husband ... 'Ohhh, THAT apology - came STRAAAIGHT from your THROAT' !?!?! ;)))
I think it's because they always feel they have the right to be right! N of course they're always right!
The doctor sums it up best: THEY DON'T CARE.
I believe they intentionally hurt us because they envy people experiencing genuine happiness.
I think they get off on the power they have over others, because they NEED people to validate their existence. They need to beat you down to the point where you feel as bad as they do.
My mother can't stand it when I show her I'm happy she will have this look of distain on her face.
@@fumarate1 My mother hates when something good happens to me or when I do something new and exciting.
You can hear it in her voice.
You're so right
They just cannot handle genuine people because every thing they have in their arsenal just slides right off a genuine person.
"I lied to you because I knew you would hold it against me if you knew the truth" said my ex.
So, I guess it's my fault I was lied to.
Mine told me he lied to me because I made it so easy for him. I asked him if he was cheating, I asked family if they thought he was cheating, I even asked our therapist if he was cheating. He was very good at lying, and it had nothing to do with me making it easy.
They lie to you because in their mind it's better than having to face they have done some maggot level bull. They lie cause they don't wanna hear what they are doing wrong. They don't even lie to be empathetic like normal people might. "No that dress doesn't make you look fat.". That's an empathic lie to spare the other person's feelings. Narcs lie to spare their own feelings. Sick bastards they are.
I know. Twisted and sadistic. Mine would just say, I’m shallow, what are you expecting from me?
@@jamiejokersin354 yes that’s why they can never actually say the FULL truth or story even after you catch them in the lie or betrayal.
I was told "it's none of your business". "I didn't lie" knowing they lied with stories/reasons to back up the lies. 😂
When the narcissist knows they hurt you, that's when the gaslighting begins.
"You are so sensitive."
"Why are you such a drama queen?"
"Don't you know how to take a joke?"
"I really didn't hurt you and you know it."
"You hurt me way worse when you ___''
"You're exaggerating!"
Star Blossom I’ve heard each of those word for word before!
@@quickgirl80 Yep, it seems to be the 'go to' for them. I'm sorry you have dealt with that, too.
I now have those burned into my consciousness as major red flags and no longer accept, unacceptable behavior from anyone.
It usually starts off as joking and little pokes. At this point you give them the benefit of the doubt. After all, they love bomb you, so why would they be saying something that was 'out of character' up to that point?
They are testing the water, seeing how far they can push you and if you'll make a good source of fuel for them.
The best offense against the narcissist is complete self-love.
Deflect and project.
Star Blossom That's great advice!
YES! Or they go “If you did the right thing (i.e. the thing I wanted you to do that you said no to, and now I’m gonna throw a tantrum like a child and hurl insults at you) I wouldn’t have to treat you like this.” Narcs tell on themselves all the time; they just use a lot of deflection and gaslighting to try to validate their abuse.
When you are crying over anything, including something they've done to hurt you, the narc will walk right past you, go brush his teeth, turn on the TV, get on his cell phone, start cooking, fall asleep--he will do anything other than console you! That's a good indicator that he has NO empathy or real care for you or your feelings! It's very difficult for a normal person to grasp that narcs are NOT capable of genuinely comprehending your feelings of hurt and pain--dispite their initial FAKE displays of love, affection and admiration for you!
Female *narcs* ,behave the same way.... No *empathy* at all.
Yes!
I'd get beaten up and cry my eyes out as a child and beg and scream for mercy and then I'd hear them laugh while watching tv like nothing happened. Years later while we had company mom started talking about the upstairs neighbour getting beaten up by her bf and she was crying and saying she feels so horrible, that poor woman,and how she wanted to go there and stop it and how her shouts haunt her...I almost lost it right there and then. All their emotions are fake. They are monsters.
@@irenedove2881 hi Irene, which of course, means 👑 queen! All a show any kindness, how horrible your mom was. You had nowhere to go so were targeted I guess. What strenght you have not to have lost it there and then. When I visit the Maritimes to take care of mom's house I've already made it a point to apologize to her friends and neighbours for her behaviour. I wish I could beat your mom up on your behalf. I hope you find peace and strenght, love from French Canada 🇨🇦🌹!
Omg this has literally happened to me!!!! And I thought I was being childish for getting hurt or crying. I was told that im playing teenage games and he didn't have time for it.
They also enjoy the "narcissistic supply" they get from making any strong impression on you, very much including causing pain. It makes them feel superior.
that's an excellent point. causing pain helps them feel superior and that is as much of a reward for them as receiving unearned adoration. power, dominance and control.
They are EVIL. PERIOD.
So agree with you
I knew true evil after I dated a narcissist. Never thought such evil exist in real life. I thought only in movies or somewhere far away but not with people around me.
I have seen the devil in my husbands eyes!!
Aeriel Misner - So have I sadly. It’s chilling. The cold, dark, eyes that are full of rage, hatred, & evil. The devil in his eyes
Delasia G - 🎯AMEN! PURE EVIL!! There is NO REDEEMING any relationship with pure evil.
“Once they hurt you they don’t care that they hurt you.” This is exactly what I’m going through rn
I hope you're planning your escape, just be safe about it; never call them out. It wouldn't change anything anyways. You are worthy & deserving of so much more!
Me too.
The classic "you did it to yourself" even when you're bleeding and they're the one who pushed you.
True
@@7-sodel323 life happens but god (defined as love) always prevails because he reveals.
“ you are doing this to your own self” is what I constantly here.
Hear
@@zeroeffsdoigivezerozeronon9202 we do all play our part.. like.. I should have let go and left the situation but I had my own issues to get through. Sometimes relationship are just meant to tear the bandaid off so our wounds can heal properly by finally reaching and realizing our limits so we can set healthy boundaries for ourselves.
Lady you don't know how many lives you are saving❤️
Amen!!!
AGREED!
👍
The fact they have a creepy/nasty smile while they insult you or are talking about a sensitive topic that they know you dislike is pretty indicative that they not only know they are hurting you, but in fact they are enjoying it.
When you figure out "they just don't care" it can be very liberating. They really DON'T care about you or anyone else... but themselves.
This statement is so true they have a long list of rules for you and no rules for themselves you are held to a high standards while doing what they want.
Man, after 2 yrs into a 5 yr. Horror story it progressed into a creepier version ..her 39 yr old unemployed malignant son & his jobless dope whore Moved in...it became surreal..I had to look that word surreal up cuz the psychologist used it on Quora...anyhoo..my wife the narc and her son..now I had to research this behaviour first..after 2 1/2 yrs..what I had written, documented whatever was almost verbatim to what the doctors had said...but there was much more...the behavior that really got me was that after the 3rd yr my wife and her son began to act like the happiest married couple ever...she defended his every thought ,action opinions beliefs his lust for money ..everything..I came in 2nd...needless to say I was ready to detach thanks to these doctors, shrinks, victims
stories, & my friends...the only rules,& oh, forget boundaries, were that one had to be fully dressed and conformed to the dictators way of life. DO not question me.."Insult my character and or intelligence or else...because you will get a live temper tantrum...and you will watch and learn"" Yea right..been no contact 10 MONTHS..she's right they just don't care...I wished her well and I wished him hell.FREE AT LAST
When I told a narc in my life that it seemed like he was awfully strict about holding everyone around him to a standard he refused to observe himself, he simply went blank. It was like he didn't even hear me.
I see ALL of the narcs rolling out in droves to pressure that “dislike” button. Guess what? You’re outnumbered by the abuse survivors, you can’t win. We overcame the struggle and we’re on our path to full healing.
And on that note, let me go hit the like button right now!
Lol YES
LMAO! i say this every time i see a dislike on her videos. like, damn, y'all mad at education and empowerment?
@@ThatGirl_Oge they’re super mad 😂
Strength in numbers 💯
They know they are behaving badly but they can’t FEEL how they’ve hurt people
They can because if they feel hurt they react
colin Esquire That’s a very good point.
Oh believe me, they can *feel* how they've *hurt* people....They just don't give a damn.
Hey wouldn't it be great if they suddenly had a sharp pain every time they went to say something ugly! Sort of like a bark collar for narcissists!😂
They feel good to hurt you so...
"Maybe they didn't mean to hurt you, but once they find out they hurt you, they don't care they hurt you." Sad truth!
I know the smirk! I thought I was crazy when I first saw him do it. He would push me to a point if hysteria, then grin just a little, as if he a accomplished his goal. It was a little creepy/demonic.
I've seen the smirk. It's scary. Also, you try to tell yourself that isn't what you saw; however, you cannot shake the impact it had on your nervous system.
It is like a bad tv movie when only the spectator can see the criminal's demonic smile
The smirk is the creepiest thing! I witnessed it as well. Smh.
@@dreauplifts It's scary. It's very quick, but It's almost as if you see it in slow motion. If that makes any sense. Once you see it, it cannot be unseen.
I saw it too. They are demons
IN MY EXPERIENCE, THE MALIGNANT NARCISIST ENJOYED HURTING ME AS THIS GAVE THEM A SENSE OF POWER OVER ME, CONTROL.
They "Live" For The Power that they have over you. Then they make you feel so bad for "their" problems even though they created it in the first place.
They never I apologize you made them do false
I like when you say something when they hurt you and then their response is “I’m sorry you feel that way”
OMFGGGG. thank for for this. i got angry when i saw it because its exactly what tf he says to me all the time when HE causes the kjhgkfjdhg.
STOP that’s my moms favorite
that response "I'm sorry you feel this way" is something I was told to say to my narc daughter when she blames me for her own actions, etc.. she is always playing the victim of her bad choices by blaming it on me or others (boss, teachers, her brothers, etc...) its never her fault. So instead of trying to make her feel better or explaining things to her (she knows, but she uses manipulation to make herself feel less bad about the results of her choices) I am trying to answer "I am sorry you feel this way" and "Thank you for letting me know how you feel". Its hard, because I have to be so very careful what I say, when I say it and how I say things ebcause its awlays the wrong words, wrong time, etc.... that way its simple, showing her that I did listen to her and do not try to justify myself over and over... so I would not say its a typical Narc response... my narc daughter's response is mainly "I d'ont care" or "you're so stupid" or "your confused" or "you don't love me if you don't let me... or give me..." and when I talk to her she is not even looking at me nor even paying attention and cuts me off over an over. So am learning to make it brief and talk more about the weather, clothes, etc.. rather then the subjects that she wants to agrue about.
I feel they say it because that's what they want you to "hear". Yet they never change. They are so wrapped up in their own life not caring that they hurt you and they're actions affect you. My Cousin one time back in the day borrowed $50.00 from a Friend, when it was time to pay back he didn't have the Money and his "Friend" yelled at him. He couldn't understand why because it was only "$50.00". I said to him. "Did it ever occur that could have gone for Bus Fare, Subway Fare, Groceries, etc. He grew up where he never had to be fiscally responsible but he's paying now.
Omg this is soooooo true
They not only Know it, they enjoy it .
They know they’ve hurt you; they just honestly don’t care
No, they do care. They're hurting you on purpose to get their sadistic fix. Hence, they care. Just not in the way you'd think.
@@xrc7445 yes they derive pleasure and sense of power n superiority hurting innocent n strong ppl...
My kidz at a very young age asked their father " why do you keep hurting us but no one else daddy" he never responded never acknowledged his childrens words/feelings therefore was not about to apologize!! My deceased husband NEVER ADMITTED to beating me up ( over an announcement his boss was gonna lay people off and my husband thought he may be chosen) Because of his boss' announcement my husband went into a rage almost killing me with a choke hold and when i showed him the pictures of my injuries and the medical bills he said " i didnt beat you up" therefore even after the assault six years later no apology. I didnt no about Narcissism then however i have educated myself and have come to realize both my children exhibit extreme rage, entitlement and no remorse just to name a few and their spouses are reflecting the tell tale signs of narcissism and i am their target ...not anymore!!! It took some strength but i have stopped txting them, calling them and there has been no contact from them to see if i am doing ok during COVID 19 because narcissists dont care!!! My concern are centered around my grandchildren and their safety emotionally, physically and mentally.
@@brendajones347 my daughter is one. Couple months ago. I had a dinner date. She wanted me to eat outside. My date and I had decided on an indoor restaurant. They were social distancing. When I told her, she says I thought we discussed this. You're to eat outside. I can't believe it. My own Mother, defriended me. She sent me and article on the v. Said this was a real D... Move. Blocked me. Haven't heard from her since. I did write her. But no reply. What do you think?
Narcissists don't set out to hurt you. Rather, they set out to help themselves. And if hurting you helps them, they really don't care as long as they are supplied.
👏👏👏✊
I respectfully disagree. Malignant Narcs do it on purpose. I've lived it and survived it.
@@lykedady72 For sure, that's true as well.
They also mean to hurt you!
True
You are so amazing! I’m recovering from narcissistic abuse and love watching all of your videos. 🤗
Me too!
I'm proud you left and you're recovering! You're amazing, no matter what they told you!
Same!
I too am recovering, and Dr. Ramani’s videos are giving me strength to push through and not go back to my ex Covert Narcissist. I’ve learned SOOOOO MUCH. He’s not going to change and I deserve better!!
@@teresadockery8043 Yes, you absolutely do!! I left my covert narcissist ex-husband in November after 5 and a half years of marriage and am recovering. It’s absolutely not worth it with these individuals so I’m learning so I live narc-free.
You are SPOT on! I've finally reached the end of hope that my narc mother will change. I needed to hear this but it's crushing. I grieve the mother I never had.
My daughter keeps my granddaughter from me. Even when with lived in the same house. I moved out thinking it would be better. It has only gotten worse. I miss my granddaughter. I miss my daughter too even though she breaks my heart😢
@@leighclaflin9849 I understand how you feel. I miss my grandson. My husband and I raised him for 6 years while our daughter lived with us, she was never around. She found a boy who was 6 years younger than her and he became her next victim. She moved out. Wouldn't let us see him. She broke her father's heart so bad that he died because of her. I went no contact with her . It's killing me.
@Bushra S thank you for your kind words. Just prior to this past Mother’s Day, a dear friend of mine for over 50 years died unexpectedly. In my deep grief I felt compelled to contact my mother to let her know that I forgive her.Instead of taking my call she refused, saying that I hurt her beyond repair.
I realized that by going no contact for the last several years was not to “hurt her” but to protect myself!
I tried to explain how she was destroying her relationship with three of four children, how she was turning three of her adult children against their one sibling ( the golden child) which was going to leave her with no family after her passing. All she could say is “family is overrated”.
The golden child thinks she hit the jackpot as she is poised to inherit a million dollars which our mother inherited ( as a result of our deceased father’s and grandparent s blood sweat and tears)
It’s even more painful to accept when you realize that it’s all about money for them, not morality.
I understand that this is not an unusual circumstance.
@@junepagan8715 Tell mumsie you're going to contest the will. That's what I did (after looking into it) & I got what I deserved instead of what she thought I deserved (i.e. nothing).
@@Franny95639 Thr estate is in a trust.,I should find out if it can be contested. Thank you for suggesting it.This is getting real in that I could end up homeless while sister selfish gets her third set of implants. Maybe she will explode this time.
Also "Entitlement" is the name of the game. They grew up having everyone catering to their every whims, if someone corrects them, and put them in their place or even say "No!' they get upset.
I love this take and I don’t think it’s mentioned often enough. Looking back, both the (female) narcissist I’ve endured grew up with people that abused them and people that catered-to them. I don’t feel enough is said about the impact of entitlement in the development of these demonic souls.
I always thought entitlement came from their neglect. Nobody met their needs so they believe they deserve everything later on
Exactly. I realized last March that I had JUST told my narc mother “no” for the first time.
She was actually STUNNED and acted out like a child. She’s 98, I’m 57.
YES. Entitlement is the word. Funny thing is..
About three years ago my mother witnessed my brother in law hit me while we were in HER kitchen. The ENTIRE scene stunned me. However , my mother’s assertion that he did not hit me, and (if he did she didn’t see it) was the final insult. I’m DONE.
Now I FEEL ENTITLED for the very first time in my life. I’m entitled to stand strong and ignore her manipulations.
My narc sister is absent, so I do help my mother w things , and and visit w her etc.
Now I feel entitled to live my own life. My god. Is THAT what it took?
Sick, and true.
@@007Fusiion probably either way... too much and not at all... it both creates a disbalanced understanding of need for effection ... which is the reason for the low self.esteem the narciccist has underneath
I said no and that was the beginning of the end. It's was like, " Huh?" He was really confused by me denying him of anything since I had never done it before. I started to understand that he lack the desires, intentions and abilities to cultivate a loving relationship with me. Once I realized that he was incapable of loving anything other than himself ( children, parents & siblings), I stop participating in his abuse. No contact 6months now... I love myself too much to suffer for his happiness. BOY 🙋🏾♂️ BYE ✌🏾!
They know and they love it. The biggest high for them is being able to control someone.
And better, more people at the same time. Decompartmentalised. Who are absolutely not allowed to know about each other. Triangulation.
Agreed
Amen
They do enjoy taking someone down... they do know they will hurt you. They DO NOT CARE. Do they drink, work, etc to compartmentalize, yes they do. Do they whine to family members so they appear sorry and act the victim? Yes they do. It’s ALL about them period.
Yes, and my ex would smile the evilest smile when I was in the deepest pain.
Without even listening, I predict "Yes" and they get pleasure from it. Now I'm listening.
I was going to write exactly the same. They will have to live with themselves though, and that has to be tough.
Hélia Alves big grown adults and their own choice . No sympathy for them
Actually that is not what the doctor said. It’s careless and be so afraid to tap into their shame, they can’t even go there and do what it takes to change.
AGREEEEE!!!!!!!!
Same, i read the title and was like “YES”
They have issues but they aren't stupid.
You shouldn't care! N O C O N T A C T ! Time to go!
Agree with you
You got that right!
Erik, if you were a magician, how many people would you say support me and how many want me to be a slave of a narcissist? 50%? 40%? 30%? What am I going to find out? I am asking you to imagine a figure, of course.
You can't when they are your boss and you need to pay rent.
Caren Karin and also if they are your spouse and you have kids
Yes and no. Most of what they do is a coping and defence mechanism to protect themselves. But sometimes they are fully aware and they do it just to get a kick out of it. Some are more aware than others.
It is a coping mechanism to feed their huge ego. Why do we always need a bath after being around these filthy people?
Yep, agreed
@@Chris-tg3qy Because they rape your soul. I figured it out...at least for gay narcissist. The scam is to pose as the opened armed 'father' and let their prey (a damaged inner child) seek refuge and safety and physical comfort in their 'love.' They then lick up all the tears of the inner child to gain strength (I imagine becoming their abuser?) ... but once there is a new supply, that doesn't understand why when you dig deeper there isn't anyone there anymore, they bolt. It is because they feel like shit inside (sorry) and they know it is just a matter of time before you cause them deep pain or realize they are a construct of seductive maneuvers ...and no longer a 'feeling' person. They probably gave up on that a long time ago, like drowning in an abyss. We can hear their cries for help - which to us makes us anxious and it is irresistible. We are rescuers by conditioning. And we know how much it hurts to be rejected by a true 'parent' - so the trauma bond is intense. But like they themselves know (in their head I think) that the 'child' is going to learn and turn...and they themselves abandoned their parent(s) or wish they could have been first.
I truly believe that they are aware but don't care once they get their supply.
@@Sckvictor it's a bit to do with the inability or failure to self reflect. What they are missing they need to consume from the self reflected. Maybe vampires don't see themselves in the mirror, unless ofcourse they don't appear hideously scary on the outside. Deepens with what you actually believe.
Well......yes they do....they just don’t care.......you are insignificant........
Simply said, people who in love with themselves and no love or empathy for anyone, even family members. They are miserable. Robbing themselves of all divine.
Fu
Unless you can feed their grandiosity somehow.
Suppose you have a narcissist friend: he will want you to be cool. But not because he loves you. Because your are THEIR friend, and they can use you to soothe themselves with the idea of having a cool friend. So he's still expoiting you for his purposes.
And BTW, you can be cool, yes, but you should never appear cooler than them, otherwise they will hate you for that.
What a bunch of sick people!
For the last two years before I left my wife, I was so depressed and discouraged that I could sob at the drop of a hat. Friends and relatives knew I was miserable. My wife said in disgust and mockery, "Why are you so unhappy!" It was inconceivable to her that she was the source of my misery. When I left, I stabilized quickly and am happy about 90% of the time now.
What was the most terrible experience was, seeing him give me some kind of a smirk whenever i was in pain
In the last months of my "relationship" with my ex narcissist, I kept saying to myself over and over: "Does he know that he's hurting me? He's a smart person... he must know how hurtful he's being. If I ever figure out that he's intentionally hurting me, I 'm going to leave... but what if he genuinely doesn't? Maybe I can show him.... and change him back to the wonderful guy he was when I first met him. " The day before my 24th birthday, he was exceptionally cruel to me. I woke up the next morning, sat up in bed, and had a thought that probably saved my life: "I don't know if he's doing this on purpose, but he keeps on doing it. He will never stop hurting me." I made up my mind that moment to leave him. It was painful. I was addicted to him; I ached for him. But, looking back, it was the best birthday gift I ever gave myself. I somehow intuitively knew that the trauma of leaving him would be less than the trauma of staying with him. A few years later I realized what kind of a relationship I had been in and began educating myself on narcissistic abuse.
Yes, they know that they hurt u
@@coolcrafts5587 I believe they do know. Coming from someone that had this for 44 years...Left now. Praise God because he helped me..
Summer sunshine good for you leaving him!! I wish I had done the same as you years ago which would have saved my children and I so much irreversible damage and destruction from his increasing abuse
Naida Danyal What is it with those long, essay type texts or emails?! Blah blah blah. I think it’s great you gave them back to him! And the texts I get are all about how he is hurting, not that he hurt me as that would be too much responsibility for him to do so and cause him the shame Dr. R talks about! Heaven forbid they say sorry, plus make a behavioral change...they just cannot. Stay strong!
Summer Sunshine I understand this “addiction” of yours. Plus the lack of empathy as they keep doing what hurts us most and never will have empathy for the impact it has on us. I ache too and I can’t understand why, yesterday it occurred to me that I am addicted to his shit, which makes no sense! I’m more important and deserve better than this treatment. Separated now for almost a year in September, and I can’t believe I am now just mourning the loss of this relationship, regardless of how abusive it was and he was to me. Thank you for your sharing, it really helped me see that I am not alone, and it is normal to grieve even the unforgivable treatment. We had good years, but you are so right - the bad was outweighing the good and I knew it would only get worse over time, and continue to drive a wedge between myself and my children whom he disliked so much! Take good care.
Your pain feeds them power, the more pain to you, the more power for them. It's their daily bread.
Psychopatic ones, yes. There are also narcs who just would die for admiration, status, who just need their feed. They don’t want to make people suffer but they do
My father destroyed me. I let him do that to me. It took 33 years for me to escape his abuse. No more contact.
When i got realized this was happen in my life. I got very ugly hiistory with this narc as my patner in crime aka my bff. So i know how to be a jerk with a smart move. Just hit them with calm and facts with the smile. They will overacting with its. Haha. And ask them are you ok? 🤣🤣
If they feed off pain then I hope that same pain manifests in their karma, demonic bastards
That was heavy and so true! They have to have that power over you and have a sense of control over you because they have no control over their own lives.
My experience, once they find out something hurt you, it goes into their toolbelt to be used again later on. They have found one of your vulnerable spots.
That’s correct.
You got that right. 😢
My number one way of knowing if i should limit my relationship with a person is if they can take accountability for their actions and apologise. Everybody makes mistakes but a failure to own up to them is to me the biggest of all red flags.
I agree... Except I'd add that after they apologise... They take very tangible concrete steps to change problem areas (not just words of apology). Examples: counseling, reading a book, making a commitment of specific steps they'll take and who they will account to about it... With a timeframe.
yes, absolutely
@@christianone6611 agreed...100%
@@jeannine2999
I used to say that too until my late teens. But I didn't mean that is wasn't my fault and excused myself. I meant it as "I'm sorry (for what I did to you), but (you also need to apologize for)..."
If you called me an idiot and I told you to go to hell, I would say
"I'm sorry, but you also called me an idiot" meaning "I'm sorry I told you to go to hell, but you also need to apologize for calling me an idiot". But people got angry at that and I realized it wasn't clear what I meant and I changed it. But, I was indeed apologizing.
The apology means nothing without changed behavior. Mine would apologize profusely but turn around and do the same thing. They’re sick ppl
They know, they enjoy it, no remorse whatsoever, and they do it again and again....and again
And then portray themselves as the victim....
Yes!
@@Suzu52 My MIL
For Narcissists, hurting others is vindication, validation and fuel for their dysfunction.
Yea, I've noticed this with the narc in my life. When we were young they were pretty open about the fact that they loved to cause me pain. Now that we're older they are more subtle about it, but they still take a jab at me every chance they get.
"That wasn't my intention." Classic reply of my ex narc when I pointed out his hurtful behavior. I kept telling him intention and action and 2 different things. The action hurt me. He never understood. For 13 years. So, goodbye to him, and hello to freedom.
Yes!!! Everything starts to make sense. The pieces are coming together... This same thing happened to me. "It was just a joke" "It wasn't my intention" "I didn't mean it like that, I should've used another word (when he called me stupid)." Fake apologies. He kept repeating his hurtful behavior, didn't self introspect, just kept saying sorry. I believed if I poured my heart out to make him understand, he'd change. Oh boy I've learned so much since then. Now I know you shouldn't have to teach adults how to behave with their partners and if you have to more than once, walk out. That's not the right partner.
@@chriswyma145 Thank you for your insight and well wishes. There are good days and there are bad days. Looking forward to being truly free.
@@letym2271 True, fake and shallow apologies. The sad realization is it became normal for me to accept them. Just to keep the peace. Pushing it would always mean me feeling even worse after.
My favorite is “I never intended to hurt you” while witnessing how much pain the action is causing. Then seeing in their face the internal monologue saying “I never intended to hurt you…..but I’m going to keep on doing said action.”.
My ex would say this as well as "I'm not doing anything wrong" but would clearly see the action was hurting me.
Yep I hate her
Exactly
Yup! and that is the most baffling part. That is what our brain cannot grasp.
Exact same words my narc used!! He was/is a cold-hearted POS!! I wasted 20 years of my life and now too old and sick to start again--not that I would want to because he also destroyed my ability to trust. He, on the other hand, has found my replacement and is living the good life not giving s second thought or feeling a smidgen of regret/remorse at the devastation he left behind. All my fault, of course.
This is true. They only think about their feelings, needs and desires.
Zaida Velgara,You look gorgeous 🌹🌹🌷,hope you are not with a narc 😈!
There is really no way to be in a relationship ...
Ana Garcia ,,,,, True...you can't be yourself around the narc....Sam Vaknin says there is no 'significant other' in a Narc's life...we are simply objects like a refrigerator or a table.
R J Exactly!!! You can NEVER be yourself in a relationship with a narc because your too busy walking on eggshells and second guessing every interaction with them.
@@patriciausa3588very true 😭😭
@@RJ-hx5nb “we are simply objects...” And objects, like table and refrigerator, are being used, not loved. Which makes total sense. Heartbreaking 😢😢😢
Btw, I noticed that narcissists are more likely to treat their stuff(and money) with care and respect, whereas people don’t mean much for them.
Their heads are so twisted 🤦🏻♀️
This is the conclusion I’m coming to.
After telling my ex how much she hurt me, she told me to, "get over it". In return, I said, "Thanks for the advice, you should do the same." And, that's how our 7 year relationship ended. We share a son so I still speak with her, and well, she never did get over it.
Your bravery make me smile congratulations you got this
They way you say it make me 👏 👏 clap
Temporary crush , but we are not the same, you grew up with the society, in which i did not. I don't have the same lifestyle, as you do.
The first time my wife told me to get over it, I was shocked. The day I left for good, I found the piece of paper I had saved from our very first meeting with instructions on where to meet - yes I am sentimental - and I wrote on the back of it, "Get over it" and pinned it to a bulletin board. By the time I moved out I was disgusted with her and everything about her. My fear of her turned into total disdain.
"Get over it" are three of the cruelest words in the English language, and an absolute deal-breaker for me.
If they could have inner- reflection, they would implode. But because of in survival mode they RUN, from themself
Me too i finally had enough and left him. Its been very freeing, I get lonely at times, but better lonely than being abused.
i agree--ide rather be by myself that take any more abuse .
Hope you're doing well:-)
Yes i agree--my ex wife was having affairs---she stole thousands--gambled it all--took out a second mortgage on the house without me knowing--sold all the jewels i had got her over the years--i had No Life so i left.
i agree with that--if free of all the drama--the lies--the cheating--the stealing--the gambling---its all about Control--there was NO love at all--i might as well be living with a Room mate .Im OUT and i am staying OUT .
Don't ever go back it gets worse every time. I learned my lesson the hard way. I am free once again this time for Good I hope and pray its for good. I enjoy my freedom.
You forgot a very painful one: don’t even care they hurt you and keep doing it. No apology.
My ex said the craziest apologies lol
He was never sorry for his behavior, he said “I’m sorry you’re hurt” and other things that clearly showed he didn’t regret what he did
@@ChocoParfaitFra "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I'm sorry if you misunderstood me", or "I didn't do anything wrong, you're just too sensitive." or "it doesn't both me! why does it bother YOU so much??"
yeah i hear that a lot.
He said he would never lay hands on me, he left out throwing furniture, radio, chargers, blender, cabnet at me & no apoligy (ever)
Yep. Well, mine was trying to get back I think. Cause be did call and apologize. But I knew it didn't mean anything. Cause he'd do it again.
I used to say when I was single ages ago. Assholes always come back. Give them a couple weeks. Sometimes couple years. They'll call or something.
This so much
Yes, they do and they either don't care or that was the point.
That's the point, exactly! Narcissists hurt others because they themselves feel hurt, possibly taking something personally offensive and they put that hurt outwards towards others. That's the point. They hurt others so others can understand how they feel because the world revolves around them. They truly have a hard time understanding the concept of empathy in a way that others have their different emotions at their own time, not at the narcissist's time.
true
The narcissists I’ve dated have never apologized. Only one of them called me to say he was sorry he hurt me but he just wanted to get me back. I told him I’d rather eat dirt than have coffee with him.
Good!
Shane does not apologize..
Good for you. I'd rather chew glass than sit across from my X again.
Haha eat dirt. Good one. That's the only reason the narc apologised to me. He wanted to reconcile so he "apologised" and even then it was just one word, sorry. No in depth explanation of what was truly done. Disgusting.
They are selfish and self centered but can never understand that they are.
Rotten to the core.
Oh no, some of them know it and try to ”better” themselves AKA make their mask better
Y is it that they can’t understand
So accurate. I never, to this day, received an apology for the many things she put me through. My family got an apology for the engagement not working out in the end, but I never got an apology for the constant putting me down, keeping me under the pressure of her demands, withholding love and affection, etc. Not only did I ever receive an apology, her behaviors never changed when she was called out on them, and she never held herself accountable in the wake of multiple people telling her "these things are not okay." Its one of the most painful things to experience. I hope everyone stays emotionally and mentally safe out there.
Every now and again I would receive a, "I'm sorry, I can't believe I did that." That apology meant nothing because she kept on doing it.
Whenever I'd get an apology she'd have to be aware of, by being told. And from there are you given an apology will it always be out of sarcasm.
We, as empaths,need to always remember that the narcissist is incapable of caring for anyone and that includes us.
They're incapable of caring for anyone and that includes *THEMSELVES*!