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The School Of Life, I just want to point out one thing I've been disliking in your recent videos. That girl's voice at the end is bothering after such great calm voice of yours. Don't want to offend anyone but I liked the way it was before with the deep silence and warm end. At least you should put a brief pause of silence (5sec) between these voices... you know, in order to not get that great contemplation interrupted. Love your videos
here's several suggestions for making improvements in your marriage Try to communicate more Help each other out more Try to give and take more (I read these and the reasons they work on Mirykal marriage plan website )
I listen to my husband talk about his day until he's exhausted and literally has nothing left to say; he loves it, and treats me like a queen the rest of the day. 😍😘
Constant dismissal of the other partner will compound the feeling that your not worth listening to and the partner getting offended by a complaint will be even worse but working on something helps a massive sudden situation change doesn’t help anyone.
They may be telling you what it would take for them to trust and love you, Jules Noelle. If it is worth it to you, it may become a mutual process of fitting together well.
The book 'I hear you' is phenomenal for this! It's by Michael Sorensen...and if more people employed those techniques, the world would be more peaceful. Authentic connection, acceptance and being "heard", promotes safety. People who feel safe, are more peaceful!
It's OK to be bitter and resentful. Things happen in life that may our hearts and minds ache. As an adult, it's my responsibility to find a constructive way to control my inner frustrations and disappointments. It's a lifetime struggle. As U age, u get better. Blessings.
I had the same issue, now is much better the key is to focus on yourself working on myself and realizing the importance of my role in my family and that we are all make mistakes which is OK helped me a lot and hope it will help you 💓
I grew up watching my parents miserably fail at communication which to me is THE key to healthy and happy relationship... They were horribly incompatible in many ways but this one was the one that saw the end of their marriage in a rather horrible way. For this reason I knew I was not going to make the same mistake... In my relationship, we would talk, about everything. even if it was a dark and hard to talk about topic. we would talk, listen and sort it out... No snarky remarks... no silly silences expecting the other to know what we are thinking without uttering a word... No double meaning comments... No passive aggressive silence... etc... But COMMUNICATION.. where two people speak and listen to the other, but not only that, but actually take on board what the other has said and try to act on it so that this argument doesn’t happen again.. I have been with my partner for 14years now at the age of 35, and we are amazing at communicating but this isn’t something that came easily or naturally... It took time, it took work, but we both knew that this is what we wanted, so we put the work in. We have had conversations about what hurts us in the other and talking about it in a way that we take steps forward and make less of that mistake next time... We have talked about the curiosity of being with someone else after having been together for so long, etc... Nothing, is out of bounds because in a relationship there are only 2 people... you, and your partner... You can talk to your friends, your family, and they can give you all the well meaning advice, but none of it means anything because this is something that is only between you, and your partner.. and if whatever you are feeling or thinking isnt openly out on the table then how do you expect them to know how to act, what to do, what not to do...etc.... TALK... it’s hard to start with, and can leave you feeling anxious and shaky... but it’s so worth it! It may be scary but believe me you will take steps forward and become stronger as an individual and as a couple... And if you don’t, then, at least you have both openly talked about things and realised that you don’t work and should stop wasting each other’s time. I really do believe that open communication is key to everything actually... so give it a try 💛
For me, as a neglected child, this point of view is revolutionary. So far I just made peace with being partially disappointed and unfulfilled by my partner. I always found it ridiculous to ask them to change for me. Who am I to ask such a huge thing from them? But now I'm starting to understand...
I feel like the minutiae of the school of life’s videos is what makes them so comforting. The videos that focus on very particular and circumstantial emotions or events that remind us we aren’t so different from other people after all.
What a timely video. This just happened to me and my partner a couple hours ago. Im the angered person on the video. How confirmingly depressing! Yikes
My wife and do great as long as one of us can stay supportive. When something is done or said that makes us both defensive - negative feelings can escalate on both sides quickly. It has been five years living together and what seems to make it better is practice and committment and awareness that as a team, over time, general positive emotion is going to shared, therefore, it should always be our goal to help clear the path for one another and ensure we truly feel valued, supported, and successful to each other. While there is no such thing as mutually assured happiness, as long as one of us can keep perspective, wait out the storm, and reassure the other it will all be okay - it usually is and fairly quickly.
The School of Life has helped me come from a dark place in my life. I just want to say thank you to the content creators. Your videos and articles have made a positive impact on my life. Thank You.
Funny how timely this video is for so many people. Because it's so goddamn hard to communicate properly with the ones we care about, without being overwhelmed by emotions. Thank you for that lovely video :3
I use to be so special to you, now I am just a burden to even bear. Our goodbyes would last half an hour but now it's short and not so sweet. I was the best thing in the world to you but now I'm just a tragedy to even be around, regret. Even the memories pass me by and I can't help but wonder why I'm still here, with a man who no longer lusts me the same way and doubts his love whenever I show my desperation. Someone who no longer cries with me and shakes their head when I can't manage to keep it in. You know, and we all want the same thing, to feel and be loved. The thing I don't understand is, how we can ever be tired of our insomniac relationships but still expect the love we always had without giving any in return. Even the desperation of wanting what it was isn't enough to actually try, to tend to our partner's needs and hopefully mend it back to what we always wanted but, was never truly aware when we had it. And that's the paradox to it all; we will always believe that we don't have it now until months later, when things are even worse. The thing we miss the most is living in the moment, we let boredom scare us away when solitude together should be the most magical thing.
astro blossomic Omg ... this is totally what happened to me , whAt I didn’t realise is , I never listened to his needs, and didn’t fully accept the way he is , which separated us from what we were ,and the love he got for me I expected the love to be as strong , but a relationship cannot survive only on love , it’s patience,understanding,Loyalty , attention,, sometimes we don’t give the same amount of what we want of our partners , I wanted more affection but I wasn’t affectionate enough neither , I wanted a super interesting conversation but I wouldn’t put all my attention to listen ... I blamed everything on him not loving me , but I realised , he does love me , it just got rough and we forgot how to keep it I realised that the more desperate and more angry you got , the less you going to get from them And they will never run to you when in problems or feeling bad , being kind but express your feelings that upset you , talking , never arguing never blaming the other person cause if u do the only things that pops in their head is “I won’t listen to you anymore “ or “you are such a problematic person “ , “stop with the drama“ Love is built , by two people who knows their flaws but still trying to be together and grow from mistakes It’s never 50/50 , sometimes it’s 70/30 , and you have to suck it up , but when you fall then your partner will pick you up
this video didn’t necessarily apply to just romantic relationships but also to friendships. I’ve had a friendship where I come off as bitter sometimes so this video was helpful for me trying to understand the reasons behind it
These points of, essentially, applying mindfulness to communication and checking in with ourselves and our emotions first are very relevant and valuable. However, I want to add that the feelings of the person complaining, as well as the content of the complaint, are still valid when they're incapable of delivering them soberly. The approach presented here can lead to the assumption that we must consider the 'rightfulness' of the other's actions and feelings before our own, as in: "I must first deal with my hurt alone and then address the person hurting me". That could succeed in getting your partner to listen, but not necessarily lead into the best direction when you're hoping to establish communication on equal eye level. That goes for both partners and their expectations - perceived, or actually held/stated. Someone suggested that there should be a second video addressing the other partner's perspective, and I very much second this suggestion!
This video is amazing at explaining the feelings behind a bad complainer, but a little short in how to complain properly. But I really took the first half to heart, very revealing and illuminating! Thank you!
Guys, I would like to offer myself to subtitle your video in Portuguese and Italian to share with my family and friend your videos. This is so important for everyone to learn!
I've been subscribed to this channel for a while now, and usually I don't check my subscription box, therefore I get things recommended later on. This video was recommended to me the night I realized I have this exact issue with my partner, where I felt ashamed to complain about something and ask them to be there for me and love me. It's very odd, I truly appreciate this video, it made me confirm my own thought process as to why I am the way I am, it truly gave me a perspective on how to change that. Thank you.
This was very mentally expanding for me. This is the exact thing that is going on in my relationship. I felt like I was going off the deep end for so long because no one would listen to me. Now I understand. This was immensely helpful. But now I am kind of puzzled as to what I should do next. What is appropriate? How do you "responsibly complain" to a partner about what you need from the relationship and have them listen now?
Wow I’m the person getting yelled at with angry in this situation. But that totally makes sense about the childhood part because his dad is very stern and doesn’t offer anyone else’s opinion on anything. This made me understand a bit better
So your husband would get upset with you any time he felt like his perspective/opinion wasn't being considered? Or did it manifest in a different way? =O
Was looking at this to try and learn how to get my partner to listen to the actual words that I say. And in turn, I got a lesson about how he probably feels. And I know his bitterness and anger do indeed come from a place of self loathing or low self worth. But I feel like he may be offended by me sending this to him.
I’m profoundly deaf and mute most of the time although I’m able to talk sometimes ! spoken communication is tough on the days when I have no voice… I can lip read but mostly avoid contact with others so this isn’t really a problem for me as I’m a bit of a loner overall but I do value the company of friends every now & again
The happiest relationship, is one who communicates. My love is my best friend. Try to start off with being they're friend first. I never run out of things to talk about with my love ♡ #10.years.strong. How to be heard is to trying to be positive no matter how much bs is happening in the world. 9 times out of 10 it's the world that affects your reltionship, not you two as a couple.
It's difficult to give advice on a disorder, since a disorder is an illness. But how you cope with a friend who has a disorder could make for a good video.
Wittingly or not, you have explained how politics continues to be so rancorous. And you have explained the solution. Politics is the marriage from which you cannot walk away.
Thing is, a lot of this is caused by neediness which can be solved by becoming more emotionally independent. Not distant or cold, just strong and not so dependent on other people.
Hmm... This doesn't really leave room for the possibility that the person watching is an overly controlling partner. The difference between wants and needs is something I feel should have had a strong emphasis along with the points that were made, but it was left out completely. At the point in the video when he's explaining that childhood neglect is what causes a person to feel as if they don't deserve to speak up about their problems, I think it's very important to note that sometimes people feel this way because.... get ready for it... they know deep down that their problem is unreasonable!! In every relationship there has to be give and take and FORGIVENESS, or else it just won't work. You can't hold every single little thing that a partner does that you didn't like against them and then say that they "aren't meeting your needs". That's insane!! There are some spot on, very good points and content in this video, but when it's written on the premise that the person watching is right and their partner is in the wrong, it becomes dangerous. I can see a (perhaps unwittingly) manipulative person watching this and feeling 100% justified in micromanaging their partner. If you ever end up in a situation where the person you are with is completely out of touch with your intentions, something is very wrong. If it doesn't matter that something was an accident or out of your control etc. and you're still the bad guy that needs to "atone for their sins", reevaluate that whole relationship right away. I also feel that the title wasn't quite true to what was discussed. It was mostly about what NOT to do, which, while being helpful, is not what was advertised in the title. But then that's just a nitpick.
Your right some people are manipulative. My ex was for sure. Did unbelievable things and accused me of being paranoid knowing she did wrong and made excuses if caught. It's like we all have our own set of survival skills, manipulation, stealing, honesty, philosophy or wherever we do best to make it to tomorrow.
jon doe I think you're right about that. Every person has needs (to be cared about, loved, wanted, trusted etc), and everyone does whatever it is that they have learned will give them their needs. What truly sets people apart from each other is whether or not it matters to them that what they are getting from other people is real. Some people are so desperate, and yet still so unwilling to rewire themselves that they do not care if all they have is the appearance of the things they want, not the true human connection. Deep down somewhere, they know that what they "have" is false, and that's what I always tell myself when I meet those kinds of people. Parents do play a lot in to the creation of these kinds of people. It's a well known fact that children who do not get positive attention will do what it takes to get negative attention instead. Whether or not the parents can train them properly is on the parents, but whether or not the child can grow past the inevitable mistakes all parents make is on them.
Insightful video, thanks! :) I noticed that you guys talk a lot about unfortunate childhoods being a cause of grown up problems. I had a good, loving childhood, I think. It wasn't perfect, of course, but my parents are wonderful and unconditional. But still I'm barely an adult and I have a crap load of issues. I had everything that is fair to ask for-- love, friendship, siblings, money, education and educated parents... which makes me think I completely screwed it up for myself by myself. Compared to kids who are disabled or in third world countries who work hard and are seemingly way more mature and good and happy, I sometimes feel undeserving and ungrateful and maybe even wasteful. Or when I think about my regrets that I brought this on myself through my wickedness and deserve to be unhappy. Not to be dramatic, lol. :) It would mean a lot to hear your thoughts on this. I am so glad I found you, school of life!
Over giving, bring spoiled (sorry to put it that way) creating entitlement, guilty parents over compensating, allowing dependence, excessive undue praise, lack of constructive criticism, undiagnosed learning difficulties like ADD; and a handful of very badly timed times of neglect or mis attunement, can lead to wide issues. Even CPTSD. There is a lot of help out their now, like this channel and support groups.
You said ‘wickedness’, that shouts of an issue somewhere, a harsh critic, maybe religious? A perfectionist parent. Or an error you have not made amends for. Could be worth trying the twelve steps.
Yeah my partner pulled me up on "spraying anger" around when Im negotiating grievance resolution. I didn't realise my body language and physical presence made an elevation in voice volume or animated movement of hands during discussion feel so threatening to her. Someone told me I should imagine myself a plastic bag, and she......a cat. Takes practice but communicating differences or dilemmas without emotion is key to happy resolution, as is acknowledging your partners position affirmatively before explaining why you see things the way YOU do.
Unfortunately, I have the issue described and it definitely stems from my childhood. It is not an unusual issue, I believe. I do have intense bouts of anger/bitterness/disappointment regarding certain things in my romantic relationship. Repressing is a blessing and a curse: I don't express the feelings (I just feel them, and talk to women friends about them), then I wait a couple of days and I'm calm again and "back on track" with my feelings. However, this can't go on forever, because it's the same triggers which affect me. I definitely try to wait to talk about things when I'm in a calm state of mind. Another thing I've learned about is "Non-Violent Communication", which can be a useful tool as well.
I always love their videos and it always hits the bull's eye but what I find extremely difficult is the full understanding of the solution or how to deal with it effectively. The videos explains in depth the state and the causes..but doesn't elaborate on the solutions as much after providing the understanding.
I never thought of complaining in marriage as a right. Both spouses usually work hard, regardless of what the other thinks and to hear a complaint, especially when complaints are a regular thing, usually makes the distance bigger.
Funny how I’m such a drama queen that both ways apply to me. Can be silent and sarcastic but also can be furious and explode, .. what a nice realisation 😖
It is so important for this information to be acquired in Spanish. is there any way anyone could double in Spanish or have it closed caption in Spanish. Please.
Hi Everybody. Again, this is why I tell everybody it is best to go it alone in life. In relationships, either you have something to bitch about, or somebody is bitching at you. Oh, and what happens if you reward the complaining? "Give em an inch and they'll take a mile". Oh, and for our own complaints, well, how often do we conjure up some kind of a grievance as a kind of personal excuse to create distance between a partner that has become too familiar and cloying, you know, after the honeymoon is over, that kind of thing. Well, when our complaining was supposed to create distance, what are we supposed to do when our partner melts and gives in to our demands? That's not what we wanted at all! Sometimes our complaints are meant to be Deal Breakers, aren't they?
If she's acting or nt seeing the things tht ur doing fr her nd still ur tryng to do ur best to gt her fully nd still the circumstnces can let u..... I ws there nd still didn't gt full lesson if i my needed so....
This is amazing content, this puts ALOT of stuff into perspective for me, but I’m still trying to figure out how do you communicate with a person who avoids any sort of communication? Asking for a friend lol
"Logic is man’s method of reaching conclusions objectively by deriving them without contradiction from the facts of reality - ultimately, from the evidence provided by man’s senses. If men reject logic, then the tie between their mental processes and reality is severed; all cognitive standards are repudiated, and anything goes; any contradiction, on any subject, may be endorsed (and simultaneously rejected) by anyone, as and when he feels like it." ~ Ayn Rand, The Objectivist, Feb. 1971, 12
Ayn Rand: The woman in the picture is an old hag who represents humanity’s weaknesses. Karl Marx: No, the woman in the picture is a beautiful young lady who represents humanity’s benevolence. Buddha: The woman is both old and young, but also is neither as it is an optical illusion on a piece of paper.
I don't think it's related to feeling like you don't deserve to complain or get your needs met - if that's the case, then the person wouldn't get angry at their partner, or tell their partner that they did a 'bad thing' or they are a 'bad person'? It makes no sense that someone would accuse their partner of wrongdoings if they don't think they deserve to be treated better or treated differently? I think this bitterness/sarcasm/rage has to do more with vulnerability. If I ask for something nicely but get rejected, that feels like I 'lost'; the other person has 'won'. It's social rejection and I might feel 'weak' and vulnerable. I think that's why we use attacks instead. It makes us feel more powerful, less powerless and less helpless. Nothing to do with thinking we are undeserving of love/being treated right etc.
I find coming from a place of vulnerability rather than accusation is less likely to get people off side. If you admit you’re scared, unless the person is a sociopath they’re likely to have empathy.
"Can we talk about something that has been on my mind? I know it may be uncomfortable for us to discuss, but it's upsetting for me, and I don't want it to turn into something bigger by ignoring it. Can we both agree to hear each other out, even if we don't initially see things the same way? I don't want us to fight, I just want to resolve this and hopefully make us stronger." I try to start confrontations with transparency about my intention of confronting them. I try not to go in about my upsets without prepping the person first. _Try._ I find people are less defensive when they aren't caught off guard. And keep things about you. The other person may be more open to empathize, if they know that you aren't necessarily stating their intention, or determining the truth by declaring what happened, rather expressing how it made "you" feel regardless of intent or the reality.
No matter how kind it's impossible to communicate with someone who refuses to listen and expects us to be a silent adoring compliant verbal punching bag.
How do you talk to your partner? What is most effective? Let us know in the comments below and sign up to our new newsletter and get 10% off your first online order of a book, product or class: bit.ly/2LayJ9F
Please do a video on Broken Wing Theory.
The School Of Life, I just want to point out one thing I've been disliking in your recent videos. That girl's voice at the end is bothering after such great calm voice of yours. Don't want to offend anyone but I liked the way it was before with the deep silence and warm end. At least you should put a brief pause of silence (5sec) between these voices... you know, in order to not get that great contemplation interrupted. Love your videos
here's several suggestions for making improvements in your marriage
Try to communicate more
Help each other out more
Try to give and take more
(I read these and the reasons they work on Mirykal marriage plan website )
Omki
I listen to my husband talk about his day until he's exhausted and literally has nothing left to say; he loves it, and treats me like a queen the rest of the day. 😍😘
Damn he is a lucky man
I should do the same..it might work for me as well..lol
This is really nice to hear. I hope I find a woman like you one day.
And when you are mad at each other?
Wow! That’s really beautiful. I wish you guys all the best 😋🤙🏻🤙🏻
There should be another video on the other partner’s perspective and how they should react to addressing their partner’s complaint properly ❤️
Second this.
Constant dismissal of the other partner will compound the feeling that your not worth listening to and the partner getting offended by a complaint will be even worse but working on something helps a massive sudden situation change doesn’t help anyone.
They may be telling you what it would take for them to trust and love you, Jules Noelle. If it is worth it to you, it may become a mutual process of fitting together well.
ua-cam.com/video/43e51vkffQE/v-deo.html
The book 'I hear you' is phenomenal for this!
It's by Michael Sorensen...and if more people employed those techniques, the world would be more peaceful. Authentic connection, acceptance and being "heard", promotes safety. People who feel safe, are more peaceful!
Something I am trying hard to learn.
How to be assertive without sounding bitter or resentful.
It's OK to be bitter and resentful. Things happen in life that may our hearts and minds ache. As an adult, it's my responsibility to find a constructive way to control my inner frustrations and disappointments. It's a lifetime struggle. As U age, u get better. Blessings.
If you're trying hard I sure eventually it will happen. Good luck!
I had the same issue, now is much better the key is to focus on yourself working on myself and realizing the importance of my role in my family and that we are all make mistakes which is OK helped me a lot and hope it will help you 💓
Have no daubh and brake no character say what u mean ..where's is ur fucking confidence?
I grew up watching my parents miserably fail at communication which to me is THE key to healthy and happy relationship... They were horribly incompatible in many ways but this one was the one that saw the end of their marriage in a rather horrible way. For this reason I knew I was not going to make the same mistake... In my relationship, we would talk, about everything. even if it was a dark and hard to talk about topic. we would talk, listen and sort it out... No snarky remarks... no silly silences expecting the other to know what we are thinking without uttering a word... No double meaning comments... No passive aggressive silence... etc... But COMMUNICATION.. where two people speak and listen to the other, but not only that, but actually take on board what the other has said and try to act on it so that this argument doesn’t happen again.. I have been with my partner for 14years now at the age of 35, and we are amazing at communicating but this isn’t something that came easily or naturally... It took time, it took work, but we both knew that this is what we wanted, so we put the work in. We have had conversations about what hurts us in the other and talking about it in a way that we take steps forward and make less of that mistake next time... We have talked about the curiosity of being with someone else after having been together for so long, etc... Nothing, is out of bounds because in a relationship there are only 2 people... you, and your partner... You can talk to your friends, your family, and they can give you all the well meaning advice, but none of it means anything because this is something that is only between you, and your partner.. and if whatever you are feeling or thinking isnt openly out on the table then how do you expect them to know how to act, what to do, what not to do...etc.... TALK... it’s hard to start with, and can leave you feeling anxious and shaky... but it’s so worth it! It may be scary but believe me you will take steps forward and become stronger as an individual and as a couple... And if you don’t, then, at least you have both openly talked about things and realised that you don’t work and should stop wasting each other’s time. I really do believe that open communication is key to everything actually... so give it a try 💛
This video has been posted right in a time of need. Thank you.
Same. 😭
I hope it worked out on your end. I'm in the process of working mine out right now.
Jaseeka Rawr me too 😖
For me, as a neglected child, this point of view is revolutionary. So far I just made peace with being partially disappointed and unfulfilled by my partner. I always found it ridiculous to ask them to change for me. Who am I to ask such a huge thing from them? But now I'm starting to understand...
Wow. The school of life just read me like a book.
I feel like the minutiae of the school of life’s videos is what makes them so comforting. The videos that focus on very particular and circumstantial emotions or events that remind us we aren’t so different from other people after all.
What a timely video. This just happened to me and my partner a couple hours ago. Im the angered person on the video. How confirmingly depressing! Yikes
My wife and do great as long as one of us can stay supportive. When something is done or said that makes us both defensive - negative feelings can escalate on both sides quickly. It has been five years living together and what seems to make it better is practice and committment and awareness that as a team, over time, general positive emotion is going to shared, therefore, it should always be our goal to help clear the path for one another and ensure we truly feel valued, supported, and successful to each other. While there is no such thing as mutually assured happiness, as long as one of us can keep perspective, wait out the storm, and reassure the other it will all be okay - it usually is and fairly quickly.
The School of Life has helped me come from a dark place in my life. I just want to say thank you to the content creators. Your videos and articles have made a positive impact on my life. Thank You.
Funny how timely this video is for so many people. Because it's so goddamn hard to communicate properly with the ones we care about, without being overwhelmed by emotions. Thank you for that lovely video :3
Absolutely in love with this channel
same
I use to be so special to you, now I am just a burden to even bear. Our goodbyes would last half an hour but now it's short and not so sweet. I was the best thing in the world to you but now I'm just a tragedy to even be around, regret. Even the memories pass me by and I can't help but wonder why I'm still here, with a man who no longer lusts me the same way and doubts his love whenever I show my desperation. Someone who no longer cries with me and shakes their head when I can't manage to keep it in. You know, and we all want the same thing, to feel and be loved. The thing I don't understand is, how we can ever be tired of our insomniac relationships but still expect the love we always had without giving any in return. Even the desperation of wanting what it was isn't enough to actually try, to tend to our partner's needs and hopefully mend it back to what we always wanted but, was never truly aware when we had it. And that's the paradox to it all; we will always believe that we don't have it now until months later, when things are even worse. The thing we miss the most is living in the moment, we let boredom scare us away when solitude together should be the most magical thing.
astro blossomic Omg ... this is totally what happened to me , whAt I didn’t realise is , I never listened to his needs, and didn’t fully accept the way he is , which separated us from what we were ,and the love he got for me
I expected the love to be as strong , but a relationship cannot survive only on love , it’s patience,understanding,Loyalty , attention,, sometimes we don’t give the same amount of what we want of our partners , I wanted more affection but I wasn’t affectionate enough neither , I wanted a super interesting conversation but I wouldn’t put all my attention to listen ...
I blamed everything on him not loving me , but I realised , he does love me , it just got rough and we forgot how to keep it
I realised that the more desperate and more angry you got , the less you going to get from them
And they will never run to you when in problems or feeling bad ,
being kind but express your feelings that upset you , talking , never arguing never blaming the other person cause if u do the only things that pops in their head is “I won’t listen to you anymore “ or “you are such a problematic person “ , “stop with the drama“
Love is built , by two people who knows their flaws but still trying to be together and grow from mistakes
It’s never 50/50 , sometimes it’s 70/30 , and you have to suck it up , but when you fall then your partner will pick you up
@Jose Elizondo thank you so much ily💗
@@kalima13 I couldn't agree more.. it's the trickiest thing in life, learning to love correctly but it's worth it in the end💗
@@siennac8826 Seems correct.
That hit really hard.
Practice after me: "I feel xxxx when you yyyy." But bitterness, rage, fury and sarcasm have their charms.
this video didn’t necessarily apply to just romantic relationships but also to friendships. I’ve had a friendship where I come off as bitter sometimes so this video was helpful for me trying to understand the reasons behind it
Why am I watching this? I'm so single.
Same
Help me
It can be applied to any of your relationships.. friends, siblings, parents.. etc.
@@exmrsnowwomanscorned8369 Was literally thinking that
Lucifer Alpha idiot
These points of, essentially, applying mindfulness to communication and checking in with ourselves and our emotions first are very relevant and valuable. However, I want to add that the feelings of the person complaining, as well as the content of the complaint, are still valid when they're incapable of delivering them soberly.
The approach presented here can lead to the assumption that we must consider the 'rightfulness' of the other's actions and feelings before our own, as in: "I must first deal with my hurt alone and then address the person hurting me". That could succeed in getting your partner to listen, but not necessarily lead into the best direction when you're hoping to establish communication on equal eye level. That goes for both partners and their expectations - perceived, or actually held/stated. Someone suggested that there should be a second video addressing the other partner's perspective, and I very much second this suggestion!
I LOVE the animation style! It's very eye catching!
Fighting our inner demons is one of the most difficult things to do... x'f
I'm trying to fight other people's inner demons but they won't listen or understand
Thank you, I needed this video. This is something my partner and I are struggling with. I can't believe I ever thought relationships would be easy
This video made me cry because it vocalized something I knew but was never able to grasp. Thank you so much
This video is amazing at explaining the feelings behind a bad complainer, but a little short in how to complain properly. But I really took the first half to heart, very revealing and illuminating! Thank you!
I’m weeping. Kicked to the curb.
Guys, I would like to offer myself to subtitle your video in Portuguese and Italian to share with my family and friend your videos. This is so important for everyone to learn!
I've been subscribed to this channel for a while now, and usually I don't check my subscription box, therefore I get things recommended later on. This video was recommended to me the night I realized I have this exact issue with my partner, where I felt ashamed to complain about something and ask them to be there for me and love me. It's very odd, I truly appreciate this video, it made me confirm my own thought process as to why I am the way I am, it truly gave me a perspective on how to change that. Thank you.
The animation in this is beautiful
It's amazing how Artificial intelligence knows how I'm feeling at the moment
This was very mentally expanding for me. This is the exact thing that is going on in my relationship. I felt like I was going off the deep end for so long because no one would listen to me. Now I understand. This was immensely helpful. But now I am kind of puzzled as to what I should do next. What is appropriate? How do you "responsibly complain" to a partner about what you need from the relationship and have them listen now?
It’s ridiculous how helpful these videos are. I love this channel so much
Wow I’m the person getting yelled at with angry in this situation. But that totally makes sense about the childhood part because his dad is very stern and doesn’t offer anyone else’s opinion on anything. This made me understand a bit better
So your husband would get upset with you any time he felt like his perspective/opinion wasn't being considered? Or did it manifest in a different way? =O
so grateful for these videos. I wish these were around for my past relationship, but my current one is blossoming far better.
So that I know you know and we can remind each other.
I am stunned by the veracity of this video! Amazing. Thank you.
Thank you for all of these. Years of frustration and pain clearly laid out and explained in unbiased easy to watch videos. 👌👌👌
Was looking at this to try and learn how to get my partner to listen to the actual words that I say. And in turn, I got a lesson about how he probably feels. And I know his bitterness and anger do indeed come from a place of self loathing or low self worth. But I feel like he may be offended by me sending this to him.
this should be taught to parents as well
So insightful. Thank you for this.
I’m profoundly deaf and mute most of the time although I’m able to talk sometimes ! spoken communication is tough on the days when I have no voice… I can lip read but mostly avoid contact with others so this isn’t really a problem for me as I’m a bit of a loner overall but I do value the company of friends every now & again
"Bitterness is rage that's been muffled by shame. We resort to bitter attack when we don't deep down feel that we're entitled to protest."
The happiest relationship, is one who communicates. My love is my best friend. Try to start off with being they're friend first. I never run out of things to talk about with my love ♡ #10.years.strong.
How to be heard is to trying to be positive no matter how much bs is happening in the world. 9 times out of 10 it's the world that affects your reltionship, not you two as a couple.
Please do a video on generalized anixety disorder
+ And how to comfort a friend/sibling who has one..
It's difficult to give advice on a disorder, since a disorder is an illness. But how you cope with a friend who has a disorder could make for a good video.
Whoever you are thank you for the info. It's helping me become more aware of how to handle things
Yet again, a difficult childhood posing difficulties in adulthood. Its sad to learn that these issues of today date back to childhood neglect..
You teach me what my parents couldn't.
Often you do everything “ right “ and your. Partner still won’t listen!
This is SO helpful for people with BPD wow
This resonates with me deeply and makes everything in my relationship make sense
Wittingly or not, you have explained how politics continues to be so rancorous. And you have explained the solution. Politics is the marriage from which you cannot walk away.
How good is this channel. Wonderfully explained with some really good depth. Keep um coming
Thing is, a lot of this is caused by neediness which can be solved by becoming more emotionally independent. Not distant or cold, just strong and not so dependent on other people.
Hmm... This doesn't really leave room for the possibility that the person watching is an overly controlling partner. The difference between wants and needs is something I feel should have had a strong emphasis along with the points that were made, but it was left out completely. At the point in the video when he's explaining that childhood neglect is what causes a person to feel as if they don't deserve to speak up about their problems, I think it's very important to note that sometimes people feel this way because.... get ready for it... they know deep down that their problem is unreasonable!! In every relationship there has to be give and take and FORGIVENESS, or else it just won't work. You can't hold every single little thing that a partner does that you didn't like against them and then say that they "aren't meeting your needs". That's insane!!
There are some spot on, very good points and content in this video, but when it's written on the premise that the person watching is right and their partner is in the wrong, it becomes dangerous. I can see a (perhaps unwittingly) manipulative person watching this and feeling 100% justified in micromanaging their partner. If you ever end up in a situation where the person you are with is completely out of touch with your intentions, something is very wrong. If it doesn't matter that something was an accident or out of your control etc. and you're still the bad guy that needs to "atone for their sins", reevaluate that whole relationship right away.
I also feel that the title wasn't quite true to what was discussed. It was mostly about what NOT to do, which, while being helpful, is not what was advertised in the title. But then that's just a nitpick.
Your right some people are manipulative. My ex was for sure. Did unbelievable things and accused me of being paranoid knowing she did wrong and made excuses if caught. It's like we all have our own set of survival skills, manipulation, stealing, honesty, philosophy or wherever we do best to make it to tomorrow.
jon doe I think you're right about that. Every person has needs (to be cared about, loved, wanted, trusted etc), and everyone does whatever it is that they have learned will give them their needs. What truly sets people apart from each other is whether or not it matters to them that what they are getting from other people is real. Some people are so desperate, and yet still so unwilling to rewire themselves that they do not care if all they have is the appearance of the things they want, not the true human connection. Deep down somewhere, they know that what they "have" is false, and that's what I always tell myself when I meet those kinds of people.
Parents do play a lot in to the creation of these kinds of people. It's a well known fact that children who do not get positive attention will do what it takes to get negative attention instead. Whether or not the parents can train them properly is on the parents, but whether or not the child can grow past the inevitable mistakes all parents make is on them.
aww man this is so true it made me so emotional to hear it
Insightful video, thanks! :) I noticed that you guys talk a lot about unfortunate childhoods being a cause of grown up problems. I had a good, loving childhood, I think. It wasn't perfect, of course, but my parents are wonderful and unconditional. But still I'm barely an adult and I have a crap load of issues. I had everything that is fair to ask for-- love, friendship, siblings, money, education and educated parents... which makes me think I completely screwed it up for myself by myself. Compared to kids who are disabled or in third world countries who work hard and are seemingly way more mature and good and happy, I sometimes feel undeserving and ungrateful and maybe even wasteful. Or when I think about my regrets that I brought this on myself through my wickedness and deserve to be unhappy. Not to be dramatic, lol. :) It would mean a lot to hear your thoughts on this. I am so glad I found you, school of life!
Over giving, bring spoiled (sorry to put it that way) creating entitlement, guilty parents over compensating, allowing dependence, excessive undue praise, lack of constructive criticism, undiagnosed learning difficulties like ADD; and a handful of very badly timed times of neglect or mis attunement, can lead to wide issues. Even CPTSD. There is a lot of help out their now, like this channel and support groups.
You said ‘wickedness’, that shouts of an issue somewhere, a harsh critic, maybe religious? A perfectionist parent.
Or an error you have not made amends for. Could be worth trying the twelve steps.
Yeah my partner pulled me up on "spraying anger" around when Im negotiating grievance resolution. I didn't realise my body language and physical presence made an elevation in voice volume or animated movement of hands during discussion feel so threatening to her. Someone told me I should imagine myself a plastic bag, and she......a cat. Takes practice but communicating differences or dilemmas without emotion is key to happy resolution, as is acknowledging your partners position affirmatively before explaining why you see things the way YOU do.
Unfortunately, I have the issue described and it definitely stems from my childhood. It is not an unusual issue, I believe. I do have intense bouts of anger/bitterness/disappointment regarding certain things in my romantic relationship. Repressing is a blessing and a curse: I don't express the feelings (I just feel them, and talk to women friends about them), then I wait a couple of days and I'm calm again and "back on track" with my feelings. However, this can't go on forever, because it's the same triggers which affect me. I definitely try to wait to talk about things when I'm in a calm state of mind. Another thing I've learned about is "Non-Violent Communication", which can be a useful tool as well.
Beautiful, beautiful animation!
Relationships are a two way system understanding and communicating.
I always love their videos and it always hits the bull's eye but what I find extremely difficult is the full understanding of the solution or how to deal with it effectively. The videos explains in depth the state and the causes..but doesn't elaborate on the solutions as much after providing the understanding.
I never thought of complaining in marriage as a right. Both spouses usually work hard, regardless of what the other thinks and to hear a complaint, especially when complaints are a regular thing, usually makes the distance bigger.
Amazing video! I love your content and i think it will be even more helpful if the videos would have a text transcription also.
These videos save me relationship
Funny how I’m such a drama queen that both ways apply to me. Can be silent and sarcastic but also can be furious and explode, .. what a nice realisation 😖
Perfect. If you battle to do this, and it doesn't work....that's the fear, isn't it? Walking away...hmm...
I can't believe I'm watching this from beyond the grave, at 3 AM, while single.
I love this channel
Don't take tension your partner will talk when he or she is comfortable, we need to do our work and trust your partner
It is so enlightened.
It is so important for this information to be acquired in Spanish. is there any way anyone could double in Spanish or have it closed caption in Spanish. Please.
Exactly when I need the advice as usual!
Beautiful video! Love the aesthetic
I watch videos like this in order to learn to treat her better, but I don't think it's working. I love her so much, but I fear too much.
I've beaten so many dead horses, chased my tail, and reframed so many perspectives and still can't gain catharsis and harmony
I need this so much
This channel has been stalking me im very convinced
These videos are difficult to watch. But I push through and do what I can to better the way I love the other person. But it is not easy.
Hi Everybody. Again, this is why I tell everybody it is best to go it alone in life. In relationships, either you have something to bitch about, or somebody is bitching at you. Oh, and what happens if you reward the complaining? "Give em an inch and they'll take a mile". Oh, and for our own complaints, well, how often do we conjure up some kind of a grievance as a kind of personal excuse to create distance between a partner that has become too familiar and cloying, you know, after the honeymoon is over, that kind of thing. Well, when our complaining was supposed to create distance, what are we supposed to do when our partner melts and gives in to our demands? That's not what we wanted at all! Sometimes our complaints are meant to be Deal Breakers, aren't they?
Awesome and informative video
Sarcasme and rage is all I've learned
Looks like, the title is different than the video!
It would be great if The School of Life would make a video about Marshall Rosenberg 🤓🧠💖
Do a video on how to love a partner.
Civilization and Its Discontents.
Fantastic video
This is mis-titled. It shows 2 ways NOT to talk about concerns.
If she's acting or nt seeing the things tht ur doing fr her nd still ur tryng to do ur best to gt her fully nd still the circumstnces can let u..... I ws there nd still didn't gt full lesson if i my needed so....
Omg I think this video just saved me 6 months of therapy....
This is amazing content, this puts ALOT of stuff into perspective for me, but I’m still trying to figure out how do you communicate with a person who avoids any sort of communication? Asking for a friend lol
add subtitles please
"Logic is man’s method of reaching conclusions objectively by deriving them without contradiction from the facts of reality - ultimately, from the evidence provided by man’s senses. If men reject logic, then the tie between their mental processes and reality is severed; all cognitive standards are repudiated, and anything goes; any contradiction, on any subject, may be endorsed (and simultaneously rejected) by anyone, as and when he feels like it." ~ Ayn Rand, The Objectivist, Feb. 1971, 12
Ayn Rand: The woman in the picture is an old hag who represents humanity’s weaknesses. Karl Marx: No, the woman in the picture is a beautiful young lady who represents humanity’s benevolence. Buddha: The woman is both old and young, but also is neither as it is an optical illusion on a piece of paper.
Mind blown... as usual. Thank you so much for this!!
how I mean how... is it possible. ?
Beautiful diction
I don't think it's related to feeling like you don't deserve to complain or get your needs met - if that's the case, then the person wouldn't get angry at their partner, or tell their partner that they did a 'bad thing' or they are a 'bad person'? It makes no sense that someone would accuse their partner of wrongdoings if they don't think they deserve to be treated better or treated differently?
I think this bitterness/sarcasm/rage has to do more with vulnerability. If I ask for something nicely but get rejected, that feels like I 'lost'; the other person has 'won'. It's social rejection and I might feel 'weak' and vulnerable. I think that's why we use attacks instead. It makes us feel more powerful, less powerless and less helpless. Nothing to do with thinking we are undeserving of love/being treated right etc.
I just saw this video, after watching this I feel bad for leaving my partner
I find coming from a place of vulnerability rather than accusation is less likely to get people off side. If you admit you’re scared, unless the person is a sociopath they’re likely to have empathy.
The ad that played before this scared me so much that I am now going Vegan!!!!
"Can we talk about something that has been on my mind? I know it may be uncomfortable for us to discuss, but it's upsetting for me, and I don't want it to turn into something bigger by ignoring it. Can we both agree to hear each other out, even if we don't initially see things the same way? I don't want us to fight, I just want to resolve this and hopefully make us stronger."
I try to start confrontations with transparency about my intention of confronting them. I try not to go in about my upsets without prepping the person first. _Try._ I find people are less defensive when they aren't caught off guard.
And keep things about you. The other person may be more open to empathize, if they know that you aren't necessarily stating their intention, or determining the truth by declaring what happened, rather expressing how it made "you" feel regardless of intent or the reality.
No matter how kind it's impossible to communicate with someone who refuses to listen and expects us to be a silent adoring compliant verbal punching bag.