When You Feel Stuck in a Relationship
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- Опубліковано 5 лис 2019
- This is a film about being stuck in a relationship - neither happily being able to stay nor freely being able to move on. Why do we find it so hard to move forward? Where does the feeling of being stuck come from, and what might we do to overcome it?
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FURTHER READING
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“This is for those among us who are, secretly, very stuck - that is, who are entirely committed to staying, wholly tempted to leave - and entirely unable to resolve their dilemma one way or the other. We, the stuck ones, alternate between periods in which we manage to convince ourselves that it might after all be bearable and recurring crises when we acknowledge that we are - by remaining - well on the way to ruining the one life we will ever be granted. Torn between intense shame and untenable claustrophobia, weak in the face of our conundrum, we may start to fantasise that someone or something else - a parent, the government, a war, an illness, a divine command - might magically resolve the problem for us; like desperate children, we hope against hope that something might just show up...”
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CREDITS
Produced in collaboration with:
Gemma Green-Hope
www.gemmagreenhope.com/
Title animation produced in collaboration with
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“ i used to think the worst thing in life was to end up alone. I now realize the worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone” -worlds greatest dad
Yeah its from the movie worlds greatest dad its not a direct quote from robin williams bud
Dammmn that's a big thing!
Ultimately you are always alone.
anonymous 20002001 lol i wasnt, there was a comment above mine but its not there anymore 😂
anonymous 20002001 bruh bruh 🤣😎
My problem isn’t the fear of being alone, it’s the guilt of hurting my partner by leaving them. Someone help
I feel you.
You would be doing them more a disservice and ultimately hurting them even more by staying and not being honest about your feelings. it is not your responsibility to keep them from pain.
I’m going through the same thing right now I just left and it’s not pretty cause he is crazy and a manipulator. He keeps telling me I broke up the family
@@karinafernandez5079
You guys were married?
Satori Matsuzaka By common law he has tried to convince me to get married but I said no twice because we weren’t really working outs at that time and I just really got scared of the whole idea
literally anything wrong with my life
school of life: this is bad childhood
Always!!!
Hahahahah which is true btw
Do you have any better answer?. Perhaps you might try and produce video of your own ideas. Specially if you are actually so much more knowledgeable yourself than what the school of life people ever are.
@@slimdusty6328 oh calm down and have fun.
@@slimdusty6328, settle down, there's no need for that kind of "triggeredness". They were just making a funny observation which is actually completely true.
"... and that no one is going to congratulate us on our deathbeds for having thrown away our lives."
Ouch.
I attest to that.
Maybe not, but your sacrifice might save your children from mental trauma. They might not know it, but you do and that’s all that matters.
OMG
@@bwyyc2886 maybe, but maybe not. I'm glad my parents divorced.
That really hit me
better have a tragic end rather than an endless tragedy
this comment is underrated
Dangggg this hit me
Damnnn
That hit right in the meow meow
Yeah but how do you know whether it will be a tragedy? What if it's just a rough patch in the relationship? What if you hurt someone for no reason and then regret it terribly?
I am horrified by the number of person relating to this, when my biggest fear is to be the one you feel stuck with.
Lava Sudal same here! :/
I'm afraid to hurt this person, I never thought of it this way . thanks for the insight
SAME!!! I always bring things up to avoid this...
I feel like it is very wrong and emotionally dishonest to lead someone on like this!!
Lol they should make a video about that too
'we are here because we had a bad childhood'
I would have felt like a complete outcast had you not said that
We often end up having that as the reason for most of our difficulties
If you can find a way of enjoying being stuck, you won't be stuck anymore.
I feel like saying that you had a bad childhood is the generic explanation of almost everything every psychology video on youtube comes up with. But when every problem is caused by having a bad childhood it actually doesn't mean anything in the end. So now everyone has had a bad childhood, since everybody has a psychologic problem in one moment or the other in life. Really?
It's just a very lazy explanation with the horrible side effect that real experiences of abuse get drowned in a mass of testimonies of people who feel abused because their parents didn't allow them to drink soda at age 3. Maybe there are other experiences that have an effect on your personality, apart from your upbringing?
@@derVlogdahalt I think that whatever feeling has been felt a lot by a person, that's the feeling that carries on and effects people even when they are adults. It doesn't have to be childhood necessarily but probably when you're younger. Familiar feelings stick around. So if the primary feeling was loneliness when one was younger, one is more likely to feel that later too. Whatever the event maybe, something trivial for a person may the most intense negative feeling someone has had. So comparing in this case may not make sense.
Small but important caveat: You don’t need to leave to become unstuck - in fact, that should be the last resort. Like the video said, you should know yourself enough to voice what is ailing you and work through it internally and with your partner. Only when we do this, and we have full confidence that we’ve given 100% of our best to making the situation unstuck, should we leave. And when that does happen, you won’t be this sad and they won’t either - you will know it was just the end of the rope, and can gracefully leave one another. Seems like so many people in the comment section (and the world at large) have a misconstrued understanding of this.
No no, I appreciate this. Exactly what happened to me. I was stuck and felt like i tried but I didn't try hard enough. Unfortunately, neither did he which is ultimately why it happened but this video and your comment provided some amazing clarity.
I appreciate you touching on this and explaining it in theee way you did !!!
But damn yo when u got your one and only child involved and I'ma stay at home 🖤 father to mines
@ landdcollection You should have more likes for this. I don't think Alain stressed that we are all different and that there can be ways to improve and save things, using communication, compromise, and change. It seems silly to just give up on something without really trying. Many couples don't just give up, they rather talk and change, and end up with much better relationships. It's quite irresponsible advice.
Yeah, if you trying has come to the point of you wearing yourself out, you gotta leave.
"She bothered no one" 💔
I laughed at this! Lolest!
That was harsh.
That hurt so deep
i didn't understand that part can you explain ? is it implying that someone that has a bad childhood will not do enough in life ?
@@yarmy9846 No. It just that they are conscious of being themselves and feel guilty whenever they feel a negative emotion would just live life that is ordered by other people. Someone who didn't work on being themselves and speaking out their needs won't be able to really live their full life according to their will. For example, even thou someone really want to say something that had hurt them and they choose not to because, most probably they don't know how to. They usually grew up in an environment that didn't really allow them to be vocal specially when it comes to their needs and that might be carried on into their adult life. Hence, staying in relationships that is not meant to be anymore.
it's uncomfortable that this video appeared right as i needed it. stopped me dead in my tracks hearing this
I feel the exact same way
go do it
That awkward moment you watch this with your partner and it leads to a sad convo about how you guys are both in this situation... Like a 3 year relationship where we're both of the opinion that we're staying to avoid hurting the other and sympathetic... Turns out we were less lovers and really great friends and we still are
this is literally the ideal scenario for a breakup
Brings tears in my eyes. I feel so desperate with my actual life. I am stuck in a relationship and cannot move on. My childhood had been exactly like this. Always scared of angry parents and trying my best to be the good child. I asked for nothing and even now i try make myself the smaller possible to avoid any argument. I have nowhere else to go.
I have had this kind of childhood where I was so scared of my mom, and I tried to be a good and polite child. Even now I always do things to please others I never listen to the inner me and what she wants. But now she is speaking loudly to me to leave my current relationship of 8 years, I feel it's either I get out or die in suffocation.
@@kagontleserutle5775 live in truth i would say
I feel the same way
I feel the same
I understand you. I feel the same.
We are, where it counts, already alone. What we fear might happen, has already happened...so true
This is like EXACTLY what I come up to yesterday, on my own. So powerful and it sort of free us from that addiction of being with someone, trying to meet their expactations.
that one cut deep
I needed this. I was constantly flip flopping between leaving and staying. When I finally left my partner didn’t mind at all. It was honestly one of the most painful but liberating moments in my life. All that indecision and for who? I chose to walk away, it hurt, sometimes I regret it because I feel lonely. But then I remember that I cry a lot less and sleep a lot better. At the end of the day it’s a different kind of lonely, at least I am happy.
I tried to leave couple of times but ended up going back together because she kept contacting me and I was lonely so I kept replying to her innocent messages, until we were back together again. She's not a bad person but I feel we are incompatible in some major areas and the circumstances have been against us from the start (long distance)
Congrats on the decision. That thing hurts like hell, but I hope it was worth it when you look back in a couple of years
I was sitting on my bed, hopeless and sad because I had exactly this problem and then I got a notification for this video. What.
Same here OMG
And what will you do after watching it?
@@imsparkly7968 I broke up with my boyfriend. I said I needed a break.
@@iryssmith4592 all the best
Exactly the same here 😢😢😢
This is beautiful as a whole but this phrase is particularly poignant: "We suffer not because we need to but because we have grown up to be people for which suffering feels horribly familiar".
I can relate to this so well. I'm going though the same journey of learning to enjoy life. I find it's actually harder to incorporate the hope that it is to drop all hope and embrace the ennui.
Nevertheless I owe myself a try. I made peace with the suffering, I should make peace with the pleasure too. It's only necessary if I am to have a shot at leading a full life.
@LoveofVelvet
Wow. Beautifully put. Countless people probably feel like you hit it on the head, myself included. Please continue sharing your message throughout your life
2:42
I attempted suicide a month ago for this exact reason.
I left my husband two weeks after the attempt, but I didn’t leave life.
I’m still here. And I have a whole lot to figure out.
Thanks for this video.
Elle Miller keep on grinding Elle!
You go girl, keep going
would congratulating you be weird? cause i feel like congratulating you. well done
All the best. Life is so much more. Travel, connect with people, work on your job. Lots of love.
Standing up in moments like those takes nothing short of pure courage and persistence. You're here and you're an inspiration
This was me in the months leading up to my decision to split from my husband. I was constantly miserable, angry and crying, fantasizing about leaving and feeling horribly guilty about it. I couldn't bear the thought of upsetting him and our family and friends. I thought everyone would blame and hate me for it. I'm comforted to see how many people have gone through this same experience.
I'm a lot happier now. I honestly should have ended it years earlier. If you are thinking about leaving, please rip off the band-aid for your sake and your partner's sake and at least air your thoughts. Just saying the words "I don't think I can keep doing this" brought me immediate relief and made me realize what needed to be done. Seeing my partner's hurt was hard but honestly the distress from that was quickly minimized by the high of my unburdened conscience. And now he is free to find someone who is more suited to him as well.
And it's true, 4 months later and already nobody really cares.
Im dealing with this for a 2nd time in a row. I left after 6yrs, separated for 3yrs, and got back together about 1.5yrs ago. I decided to give it another shot for the sake of our son and because he promised to do better (we specified). But tbh I never regretted leaving the first time. I spread my wings and being caged again by the same person has begun to wear on me again. He is a good person, but I know deep down I dont love him.
It’s been a week since I decided to end my relationship. I felt stuck, as well he didn’t understand, and in may ways I still have a hard time understanding as well. Why couldn’t I unstick myself with him? Why couldn’t I express what was wrong? I guess in the end I believed that it wouldn’t fundamentally change. You can try to have conversations and work through things, which is very noble and necessary in a good relationship I think, but I didn’t want to anymore. I didn’t want to smooth things over again, and not make a fuss.
In many ways it had nothing to do with him in particular: I did indeed have a bad childhood with emotionally fragile and angry parents; I was constantly afraid of asking anything of them, and often when I did it got ignored. I need to honor the part of me that cannot compromise anymore. I’m not ready for a relationship.
❤️
@anonymous 20002001 Your attempt at trolling was really bad! hahaha. You need to up your game!
@anonymous 20002001 lmao, still bad! Go back to school, kid. I now know you are bad at trolling in both English and French :D
Sara Jane Webster You've pretty much nailed almost every aspect of my life.. although I'm still trying to make it work with her after 3 years together..
Her brother lives at her place and shows no sign of leaving soon. She's overly protective & loyal to him. He's a massive stirrer and selfish self absorbed person.. Speaks a foreign language with her in front of me and constantly interrupts our time together. To the extent that he inhibits her ability to fully connect with me because he gets jealous and possessive in subtle ways that she can't ignore.
She's polish living in London and I'm British..
I love her but feel like I've been drained of energy and purpose over the years. She regularly loses her temper from day one at the most ridiculous of things. So I've excused it from the pressure of work or having to deal with her brothers emotional demands and odd stirring ways.
I've let a few of my goals slip past so that I'm not where I want to be career wise. I feel I've been distracted from this by putting a ton of energy into coping with all the energy drains and stresses.
Now she has another reason to be frustrated at me because she wants children and I don't want to yet due to not having a stable emotional mature relationship and my career goals unintentionally put on the back burner for lack of spare energy to pursue them!
Plus we have a third person leech in the relationship which she constantly says shouldn't be a big deal.
She's a very homely person has a good job owns her property and pretty solid and trustworthy. Loving and cuddly, sensual open and intelligent when on good form.. But something very small can upset that. My head is spinning as I've put a lot of energy into this relationship...
Since we changed her bed because of sticking out springs on my side she can't rest properly after trying a load of different mattresses. Tosses and turns and wakes me up - so we're now both sleep deprived... She's very stubborn and difficult to introduce new solutions that don't meet her exacting standards - so finding a different bed set up has been a living hell!
I even built her a hand made wooden bed Japenese style without nails screws or glue - looks amazing but still didn't get much appreciation.
Blaming me is her weapon of choice and this just ends up adding to resentments of things that haven't moved on yet.
I need her love which she hardly ever says - only with "conditions"..
I'm afraid to be alone again for a variety of reasons..
I lost my partner and baby daughter in a terrible accident when they were visiting family and friends in Spain and I had to stay home & work in 2012.. I can't quite face up to things fully.. Maybe I'm punishing myself, self sabotage?
I've looked into Joe Dispenza work for a couple of years as a way of changing that energy within me..
But somethings always got in the way of me doing one of his courses.
Something has to improve within me to make that first step.
Probably self respect..
Thanos To be honest I don't find it difficult getting a woman, so need for forcing the gayness within.
She's just got her shit together that I like. The only problem is the emotional connection so that she stops trying to compete for dominance so as to protect her brother and cultural habits. Her brother is the spanner in the works.. was waiting for him to bugger off so we could have a decent chance.
How old are you?
You seem a little immature 😕
I used to be stuck but now I'm free. Been single for almost 2 years and I've never felt this free and happy.😊
@anonymous 20002001 No No No, being asexual is WAAY better. Just don't like or date anyone.
God damn. When you started with the childhood thing I thought "oh how ridiculous, my childhood was fine" then you started going into it and that is exactly how I was. Fuck. Very accurate
Me too I'm legit crying at the realisation
School of life needs to be broadcasted on national television.
It is crazy that we are never taught about these important things in school. Who you marry is much more important than learning maths.
This is the most depressing thing that I've ever had to watch as the person who was left by someone who felt stuck.
A life where people don't pursue what they truly deem of value out of fear of what others might think is a life that's likely to be painful. I can relate to what's said here and it's really difficult to deal with, but important to do so
Have we met? How do you know me?
Lol same
This was me 6 months ago. After years of feeling trapped for fear of being alone, I finally realized that I had felt alone through most of my marriage anyway and that attempts at relationship counseling weren't fixing that. It still continues to be hard, and I'm still picking up the pieces, but I'm also proud of myself for finally finding the courage to admit that it just wasn't working and that I needed to take responsibility for my own happiness.
So you lied with you wedding vows. You are no better than a cheater then.
Yup, you learn as you go, you are hundred and thousand percent responsible for your well being. At least you tired it all :) it shows you weren’t willing to gamble past what was willingly already pushing you beyond your needs.
@@jandersen6802 that's not true my man. I do believe in you that you will rip off that band-aid.
Relationships that are filled with pain and challenges are not always bad and to be left by the curb. My current relationship has been the most challenging, painful and frustrating one to date, but also the most rewarding, self reflecting and spiritually enlightening journey yet. My current partner has seen my ugliness through my pain and insecurities of an abandoned and sad childhood. He has challenges my inner horrible hurt child who tries to rebel against everyone who gets close to me. Yes I want to love and be loved but getting close in a relationship level allows them to see the damaged side of you. All my life I drove relationships away with my insecurities, jealousy, anger, selfishness and my MAJOR fear of abandonment because no man could deal with my issues and yet this one fought me back, shone a light on my darkness and showed me my ugliness. After all this he still loves and cherishes me and for that I am eternally grateful. He is the love I always wanted. He not only showed me my ugliness, he made me love myself enough to banish that part of me. Know whether that person is genuinely good for you and see your flaws for what they are. Don’t always run from a challenging relationship that makes you cry, cause sometimes those tears are tears of self salvation.
Wow, powerful!
Ive looked everywhere in the internet for something like this, thank god i finally found it.
"They'd rather die than make a fuss"
Oh no. My whole life revolves around this idea.
Same.
I’ve been stuck in a bad relationship for 5 years and this really hit home for me. Thank you school of life
Annie O did you break up?
Right
Are u stuck yet?
I am also stuck for 4 years now. I will never find the courage to break up.
Let me be another in a long list of commenters that says this was exactly how i felt up until the day i left my relationship. This video gave me so much strength at the lowest point in my life. I had the greatest respect and admiration for my partner but i no longer wanted to be in relationship and i felt helpless.
The idea of hurting another human in this way was appalling for me.
If you are watching this its possible you are already sure you know what you need to do. If thats the case you need to leave. My advice would be to listen carefully to what you actually feel. Thats the only truth. Your core feeling is not a lie, thats the truth right there. Dont be ashamed. Be strong. Good luck.
Thank you for your words of support. I'm stuck now and terrified to leave even though I'm desperately unhappy. He's a good person but we are like roommates. It has made me more depressed than I've ever been in life. But yet I'm scared to leave. Afraid of the unknown, afraid I'm too old to find anyone else etc etc
I recently felt stuck in a relationship and this video genuinely made me feel better. I’m glad I made the decision to leave. Even if my partner doesn’t understand how hard it was for me to come forward about how I’ve been feeling I hope that one day he’ll realize how important he was during this chapter of my life.
I watched this and it explained so much about me. I'm usually an indecisive person am always confused about what I want and never learned to say "no". And this translated into my relationship. Don't get me wrong. He was great and patient. But he grew weary of my emotional roller coaster and his patience disappeared. And although I knew I loved him and would always love him I also knew I was no longer in love and just waiting for him to do something wrong so that I could be independent and become an adult without leaning on someone so much.
Took me three months after watching this but then I just did it. I broke up with him.
The funny thing is I still hope that we'll meet again. But not now. Now was the wrong time. I just need to get my life together first.
This is where I am now and he won’t let me break up with him. He won’t let me and I feel trapped because I know he thinks I am the best thing since sliced bread but I am depressed being in this relationship.
I love him but I don’t know if I am in love with him ENOUGH to stay.
This is me now, I'm waiting for him to cheat or heat me so I can use it as an excuse to leave him, yep I know I suck, cowardness.
If i may ask you, what made you do it after 3 months?
And do you now ever regret it? Since you hope you'll meet again.
I wonder what answers could be... I think I also hope we'll meet again. Broke up with him more than a year from now.
@@kagontleserutle5775 nope I did the same thing. It's very common I later found out
I don't care what anyone says, I would a thousand times rather be single and alone than be stuck in a depressingly lousy relationship. It's a quandry-people think there is something wrong with you if you're chronically single but never stop to think about how horrible it would be to make the mistake of forcing a romantic relationship that shouldn't exist. That's a deep insecurity to be in a relationship just to be in one.
Crasty Bowersox 100% agree
Are you me? 😅
There’s usually more to just wanting to be with someone for the sake of it, it’s complicated that’s why they are stuck. For my situation I appreciate him as a person, as a friend and as a parent to our children, but there’re other aspects in a working relationship that’s lacking and will always be lacking because of his addiction that he has always promised to get rid of but it’s been 20 years, it feels like it’s just a part of his package 😥
bwyyc you either have to accept his addiction and try to get him help or leave..I know leaving isn’t just that simple, but however he has to want to help hisself
KG yes the sky is blue
This really helped. (I didn’t have a bad childhood, I’ve just always been this way. ) I’m not really stuck in a relationship, just stuck on what to do. I’ve been with my gf for nearly a year, and just a couple days ago I noticed I didn’t feel the same way I used to. After several hours I had realized I actually didn’t like her romantically anymore, and that I just thought of her as a cool person. This is where my problem comes into play… I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but I know I have to because it wouldn’t be fair to myself to be trapped in a relationship I wasn’t feeling. On top of that, it also wouldn’t be fair to her to lie to her about the relationship we’re in. To really understand the best way to go about this (I’m young and it’s my first time having to do this) I went to my parents, siblings, friends, the internet, and eventually UA-cam to find this video. I now understand that it’s okay to just not like her anymore. I almost convinced myself that I was being selfish, but this video really let me remember WHY, and as I said, that it’s OKAY. The main reason I’m writing this out is not necessarily for other people to see and like/comment, but to remind myself later on WHY I did what I did. Im going to copy and paste this into my notes, but also post this here for shits and giggles. If you’re in a similar situation, asking friends and family helps, but the important thing to remember is that it’s okay to just not be okay with it anymore, and that you really need to think about what is better in the long term? Condemning yourself to misery and a lie? Or causing at most a month of emotional pain, followed swiftly by, “Oh no. Anyways.”
You may be young but you're obviously very wise. I'm struggling with something similar myself right now and am seeking some guidance, and found this really insightful and helpful. I hope you are in a better place now!
"It's better to blow up a home than to continue in one unworthy of the name."
and now.. I'm crying :(
There there
I am at work so I have to take deep breaths so I don't.
lolirock86. Same dammit!
Same.. because i couldnt admit it
Yep and when there’s tears down your face that’s when you know that you relate
I saw in many comments of this video people thanking it's creators and channel for giving them this video, at the right time. I believe that this is not exactly the case. ( to the commenter: )This video was not uploaded in perfect timing with everyone, if it had been uploaded years ago you would have probably sed and felt the same. The things this video is trying to show are very old-yet very true-, not to say eternal. But they are really hard to understand, believe, and explain. This is why very few people understand this ideology. And this is why a video as good as this one needed to be uploaded, so the people can watch it. -thank you to the creators of this channel-
I see what you’re saying, but it’s all subjective. If they hadn’t have uploaded it, I wouldn’t have found it on my search for videos to address my current life issue and break it down so precisely. While searching and finding other videos, this content was more helpful than anything else and the most “timely” when I needed it even if it wasn’t sent to me or recently uploaded. So yes of course, thanks to the creators of the video and making it so accessible and palatable to understand.
@@joshhare1988 if you related to this video, what other videos would you recommend
This speaks to me in so many ways. I've obliged so many needy people close to me throughout my life that I've lost my ability to listen to what I actually want which has resulted in me having been left with an empty numbness inside.
While leaving is definitely the best solution in many cases, isn't it the best to try to ignite passion and lust yet again by creating distance. Love and lust are two opposites, yes? So I would try create my own independent life with fun, interesting hobbies, own friends, own thoughts while being in this relationship. I've noticed my relationship gets strengthened by doing these things. By doing this you create mystery, passion and lust for the person you're in a relationship with.
? Realy lust and love are oposites ?
Hate is the near oposite of love but i would say fear
Lust is planted on your own EGO and have nothing to do with love
If some one loves you because a value you some how appear to have it fails.( some one more worty is just about always )
@@4everchristian I read that in a relationship context, lust is created by increasing distance. The opposite of distance is closeness and that creates love. So you have to balance distance (lust) and closeness (love)
At the first 12 months of my 3-year relationship, everything felt perfect. Then, my bf had to move to a far away city because his family decided to and he did not have enough money to live on his own here. Since he moved, we only see each other on weekends. This distance makes me feel like he is constantly missing important parts of my life and that I cannot be present at his life as well. I tried to leave this relationship so many times, but I just couldn’t. I love him, though I can’t stand this distance. I want someone that really makes part of my life, not a ‘weekend boyfriend’. It’s hard to move on because he is perfect to me, but distance drives me crazy and makes me so sad.
So are you together or not?
@Pry Freitas omg you just described my long distance relationship to a T. We’re no longer doing long distance anymore, he moved back to the states, but I definitely understand and felt everything you’re going through because I went through it too for two years...
If I came under the impression that My partner felt like he was trapped in our relationship I would literally end it, If you love someone, let them go...
I think she is struggling with this with me, and has been for a very long time. She explained something to me yesterday that made me question why she was still here at all. She said "I have had doubts before. There were times where it was almost too much but I talked myself out of it." I don't understand why she continues to torture herself in this way. I feel awful for making her feel this. I just want her to be happy more than anything.
update: she broke up with me a week later lol
Oh my god. There can never be an objective measure. We want what we want. THAT'S what I needed to know. It is so hard to have that level of self-confidence and to trust your own judgement. But if it's right you won't need your friends to convince you, I guess.
This should be given to every young couple on their wedding day with instructions to look at when they feel stuck! All people with a new job, same instructions and every possible area that might lead to any area of life that triggers feeling stuck!
I saw this video long ago and was in the same situation one year ago.
I decided to love myself and to let go, and it worked out perfectly
I would love to be alone, if only I could afford it.
^ This. 😥
Agree
This is more real a problem than many people understand. However, with compromise there’s always a way. It’s just tough to duplicate your current circumstances and standard of living.
Especially now that I have kids
could possibly live with a friend or few.
Love, intimacy, and closeness is worth fighting for.
When you get stuck, pause, reflect, and be patient. Always remember:
1. There is no such thing as an overnight success.
2. The process should always be more important than the outcome.
3. Ask yourself: Do I really like doing what I am doing?
4. Focus is your most important asset.
This applies to so much more than just love.
That hit really hard. I've just ended a 7 year relationship. I was miserable, not heard, not feeling significant. It sucks now, but at least me being happy is completely up to me.
If only I had seen this decades ago, would spare so much pain and heartache. Youngsters, be free, no matter what.
sometimes it is okay to stay and work on the problem. explain your self and let them understand you. and understand that no one is actually right including ourselfs but there should be comprimises.
Dammit. How did you manage to make me cry? I'm not even stuck on a relationship
ive never understood people who fear dying alone or single. I have never craved intimacy beyond good friends with anyone, nor do I want to hear that from anyone else. Not even my own parent or family. I don't believe certain things are other peoples' to know or share about me. I LOVE talking about my inner world, and LOVE hearing about other peoples. but there's a time and a place for everything.
That childlike handwriting of 'comply' and 'obey', kinda chilling for me...
*Problems exist*
Noone:
Absolutely no one:
The School of Life: Your childhood-
what a creative and funny comment :) bravo!
No matter what. My partner is ALWAYS in the know of my thoughts. Positive and negative. I honestly go through moments where I think I don't want to be with him. I've felt trapped. I've felt like I was too good for him (makes me sound big headed but it's truly how I've felt when he's a jerk sometimes) etc. If I'm having second thoughts I have always told him. It's upsetting for him but I'm wholely truthful that these certain feelings and certain thoughts are in my mind and taking over my whole thought process. I will always be completely honest at all times. I think it's respectful of me to tell him these things. I also feel like it's a good way to indicate I'm not happy so we have to change something... Or the worst thing... Prepare him for a break up, I use it as a precaution... So that it doesn't come out of nowhere and I suffered in silence or ever think it was all his fault because its really not sometimes it is just our own heads. Anyway, all I'm saying is I think communication is really really important cause if you say these things (and not out of anger, just in conversation) it 1)gives them a chance and 2)you will possibly realise its all just a phase you needed to ride through or let out. I've felt it a few times and I can say I've been with my partner 5 years and I always get over that little negative space. Hopefully will if it happens on the future. It's horrible for us as much as it is for them
That's not respectful, that's abusive. You should be grateful he has put up with it so far. Just because something is true or is how you feel doesn't mean you are justified in sharing it. If my partner gained some weight and looks fat doesn't mean it is ok for me to come out and say that to them.
@@ErikLiberty I don't think your getting the point. I've never said things I think ABOUT him that are negative. I share everything when it comes to US and my thoughts/feelings on the matter. So he knows when I'm questioning our relationship. He knows if I'm feeling uncomfortable with intimacy. He knows what's been going through my head, like right now I'm dealing with some sort of quarter life crisis and I kinda just want to start my life all over again, drop everything, run and start again. I think it's respectful of me. Because that's exactly what I would want from him. I want to know if he's having second thoughts about us, I want to know of maybe he's starting to have feelings towards someone else, I want to know if he feels like hes being held back. Worst think you can do to someone is just End a rationship, and that person thinking its come out of nowhere, and have no idea why it happened. To not see it coming? I think to communicate these thoughts and feelings with each other is literally the make or break. It makes the other person aware, it means you can both work together on a plan on how to work things out and if it does completely crash then both parties are in the know they both know they tried to make it work and it didn't and no insecurities, trust issues or damage done because of the break up. Its a very kind thing to do and I wish everyone would be this way
@@casmeraki hi! i know its been awhile, but im curious. how is it you bring it up in conversation? How do you talk about these things with your partner? thats the bridge im struggling to cross. I dont know how to approach this.
@@chloe-hg6br I'm a talkative person. I'm not ashamed of my thoughts. So I just being it up in conversation. Sometimes a "what's the matter" comes first from him as he can tell when somethings up. sometimes I just blurt out "I feel like..." and it all comes rolling out. Sometimes it's really sad and heartbreaking and sometimes it's really helpful and brings us close together. I have a huge fear of being cheated on, or have a break up that appears to be out of the blue with no warnings. I ask my partner to always tell me everything, from negative thoughts or feelings towards me, to maybe taking a liking to someone new to "this isnt working" conversations. I suppose my fear for this future, and not wanting to be a hypocrite (asking my partner to open up but not open up myself) is what makes me open up. I'm also OCD and have relationship ocd so I overshare anyway. I don't know if I have any tips for you. But the thing I believe a lot of people struggle with is accepting that your allowed to have thoughts, your allowed to have feelings even if they are "evil" you are human and we all have good bad and even evil thoughts and that's okay. You are not a fuck up, there is no right or wrong, there's just.... Us, here right now and it may be all gone. Sometimes what you have to say can upset or anger your partner. But if they are a good person or good for you they calm down and understand your perspective. Then it's put things into action about how to make your lives together better. Best thing to do is not fear the outcome if opening up. Maybe look into why you fear it? Have people made you feelings feel invalid before? Bad or negative? Has someone gaslighted you and make you feel like your feelings don't matter? Do you fear an outburst and arguments? Do you fear nothing will change at all even if you pour your heart out? Do you fear the truth? Do you fear you know an answer to a question already?
I have never been so called out in my life.
I don't have any where to go... No support from family and friends... I'm tired of being homeless.... I'm stuck.. living with someone who cares less ...
I was convinced he was going to say "Remember a rather dark but ultimately consoling truth. Though we may, at present have someone to share a pizza with on Sunday evening. Soon, we will have a whole pizza to ourselves"
I got goosebumps at 02:50
Earlier today I was in a bad place and was having complicated thoughts about my relationship. I thought about dying so I don’t have to deal with it.
Perfect night to watch this video. My longest term GF, who lived with me and talked about having kids with me moved out today. We were gonna go for young ones when she was 30 and had more time for her career growth. Now we are no longer. I am deeply saddened, but will perceiver. I love that woman still. This video was probably narrating how she felt. I love her for deciding to do what was best for her. Thats all I want is for me and her to be happy. Apparently thats from separate corners, separately
"she bothered no one" oof 😭
I dont want to hurt him . His self esteem is so low without me ...
I feel certain that if the School of Life's curriculum was taught in elementary and secondary schools, the effects of a bad childhood would be far less devastating. How different my life would've been if I'd learned these lessons when I was a child...
Thank you, School of Life. I'm bursting with gratitude for the better-late-than-never education.
💜💜💜
I don't think I fear being single as much as hurting someone I love, someone who loves me.
Holy crap…
This video perfectly conveyed how I felt in my last relationship. I did the right thing and ended up exciting but holy shit I felt bad about it and it feels kinda nice I’m not alone in this feeling
Beautiful video, I love the detail that the key to the handcuff was self love.
justright well, I think the problem just digs deeper in this scenario, and everything will eventually blow up sooner or later. Nowadays divorces are much more common, so the kids won’t feel isolated or different from the other kids. I don’t know, this is my humble opinion!
Thanks for pointing that out, somehow I had not noticed! Amazing detail
I still feel the pain of letting her go. I feel like I betrayed her. This video is soothing but I need more. There just isn't a way to fix the past.
It’s really really terrible being the person who is making the other one “stuck”
Especially after years of endless support and forgiveness every time they leave and then want to come back. I know I have my own set of issues for not taking the initiative to end a relationship like this.
But I don’t know what to feel when one day the person I love more than anything is completely happy and satisfied with my companionship. Then the next day they are cold and distant but will say everything is “okay.”
I appreciate this video, I emphasize and understand him better than before. I just still somehow wish I was enough for him.
That exactly is my childhood. Since I was a kid, I never ask for anything for my parents since the answer has always been NO. I cannot ask for new school uniform or shoes or even cheap snacks. I was trained not to ask. When I turned 18, I dropped out of college because I was tired of receiving a woefully meager allowance from my grandma (my parents cannot support me).
Now, I am stuck in a relationship I cannot easily end. He does not support my dreams and even tried to look for someone else when we were apart for a month. I am gathering the courage to end this soon but I don't want any regret. I know he loves me but I should give value to myself first.
Dose of Music did you break up?
you may feel regret at first since this relationship has been a big part of your life, but that doesnt mean you made a mistake. learn to trust yourself and you will slowly heal. It sounds like you know the answer. I believe in you!
I think this advice applies to jobs and careers as well. This is my last week of employment at a big box department store, as I put my notice in. When I put my notice in my supervisor had to look up how to process it, as she had only ever processed terminations. People are like, where are you going?!? To which I replied, I got another job. It took almost year to get a better paying job (even though I have 15 years of experience in my field) , and heck it took 6 months to get the minimum wage job, but it’s really tough to endure the let downs of weekly job rejections, and sacrifice days off for interviews. A few coworkers have expressed how they would have been worried to upset their coworkers and boss leaving retail right before the holidays, but I am adamant on putting myself first.
Don’t be afraid to disrupt the peace!
Also sorry if your local red department store seems short staffed with empty shelves 😅
I knew I didn't love him anymore but I married him anyway. I was scared of ruining his life and disappointing family and friends. Everyone convinced me that things would get better, but it hasn't. I am even more stuck now. I wish I didn't doubt myself and needs when I still had the chance.
Trust yourself and what’s right for you.
perspectives always comes with a curse of knowing a little too much
I just ended my 3-year relationship a few months ago after about a year and a half of feeling neglected. It was difficult in all ways. Deciding it was time to end it and actually following through. It really is just a minor inconvenience because here I am, 3 months later and life has only gotten better for myself and the ex. Love shouldn't feel like a burden.
Perfect timing
The two gravestone scenes hit me hard! That's what i'm forgetting, not just in my relationship, but in other aspects of my life.
I was stuck with a so called friend because of what she did for me and she also mentally controlled me with guilt. When you do something for others from the goodness of your heart. you shouldn't expect something in return.
It is LITERALLY INSANE how accurateee these videos are 🤯🤯 I kept having to pause the video cuz every new point that was brought up, I was just like Yoo, that's *exactly* how I feel, *exactly* how my childhood was, I can't believe it actually left a very closely-linked impact on my future relationship, it's like everything somehow ties together and freaking makes sense 😮 It's like you guys are actually *Reading-My-Mind* Everything that I feel and think, all my "reasonings" "justifications" "fears" Like I'm so terrified of the prospect of causing difficulties for others, making others mad, I don't wanna bring turmoil nor drama to all the parties that may be affected if I were to leave. Which is so freaking crazy cuz I'm actually prioritizing their happiness over my own..it's sad actually..I tell myself that mathematically it makes sense, I'm sacrificing my (one person's) happiness to keep a larger group of people happy 😢😢
No joke. One of the videos mentioned my birthday by exact date. I was like 😳
H3y any updates are you still stuck in the relationship?
Guess being left in tears after this video is a sign that it is was made for me and people like me 😥
Cold turkey-ing my ex saved my life. Now I have the love I was looking for, and it's infinite and mutual and immortal. I learned to love me❤️ Beautiful
You really hit the spot. I wasted my life trying hard to make every one happy.
I’m currently in the process of getting to know myself. What do I truly want? How do I get there? It is truly confusing and difficult, when you realize you are the person you are because of external circumstances. Because of a fear of being different. But once you come to this realization you have begun a process that will not stop, a thought process, a painful growing process. & it is helpful to know others are also going through this. We are in this together! Working out way towards a better, more honest, and fulfilling life. Don’t be afraid of the way you feel, listen to your feelings. They will guide you to the life you are truly meant to live. Practice true self expression, do what makes you happy (:
André O.K. Yes! The “I want desperately to fit in, but I’m still quirky and unique!” syndrome. We just need to be honest with ourselves, the uniqueness is quite literally already there when we are ourselves.
Amen
I never had a bad childhood, but i got stuck a marriage that i am not happy about it because I have kids and i can't walk away because of financially instability so it's not that someone who had bad childhood only stays but people stay bad relationships for many reasons, financially is one of it if it's not the most
This video made me cry about how much accurate it is ! 😢😭
This whole video gave me chills. I told my husband i dont love him (trying to become unstuck after years of abuse) and he keeps wanting one more chance. Impossible for me to leave!
Your delivery really speaks to me, I absolutely love this channel.
This totally makes sens if you don’t have children, but what if you are stuck but have kids who may suffer from your decisions?
I agree, but to play devils advocate, are you just showing your children how to be stuck in their future relationships?
The childhood part hit me hard. I don't feel like my relationship is the problem really though, but I know that I have a few ghosts inside my brain haunting me and making my life a little bit more difficult to handle than it should be. If you really love someone, start taking care of yourself first - you'll never have a good long-lasting relationship if you're not happy with yourself!
I think I'll have to rewatch this every morning like a mantra. Thank you so much for doing what you do, dear School of Life-ers!
*"-that turns the prospect of singlehood from what it really is; a minor inconvenience, to what we are sure it must be: an ongoing and eternal tragedy ("You will die alone")"*
Thank you, that opens a new door for me
I used to be like this, and then I taught myself to be more assertive. I got tired of feeling unhappy in the relationships I was in. I definitely want the person I just started dating to be long term, but I know now that I have to communicate my discomfort or dislike of things, otherwise they will never change. I'm also not afraid to leave a relationship anymore, but I want to try my best to resolve any issues we have, and use breaking up as an ultimate last resort. I'm definitely not going to let problems fester until they're no longer fixable.
well i know a man that still cries over his divorce even after 25 years and my best friend got better from divorce but feels lonely and never trusted anyone again thats why im so scared i dont wanna hurt him after all he made me the happiest woman on earth for many years and im thankful for the support he gave me
Wow, this is the most accurate account of what it feels being stuck in a relationship I've ever came across. Thank you
I'm stuck in my Self-Patnered relationship.
Hahahhahahaah
I feel really relieved, and happy, knowing that there are others that feel the same as I do.
This is so wholesome, spot on. Aches and stings, though, but its great to see your reflection and all of your fears being addressed.
Felt so much about this I fell asleep in tears after watching💔
no matter how you used to love a person or how he/she loves you now, it is okay to realise that this is unhealthy.
Maybe it’s just time to face yourself.
Whether or not did I actually gain the courage to get out of my relationship, this is still a good video that not everybody could relate to.
This one made me cry😢