Rethinking infidelity ... a talk for anyone who has ever loved | Esther Perel | TED
Вставка
- Опубліковано 20 тра 2015
- Visit TED.com to get our entire library of TED Talks, transcripts, translations, personalized Talk recommendations and more.
Infidelity is the ultimate betrayal. But does it have to be? Relationship therapist Esther Perel examines why people cheat, and unpacks why affairs are so traumatic: because they threaten our emotional security. In infidelity, she sees something unexpected - an expression of longing and loss. A must-watch for anyone who has ever cheated or been cheated on, or who simply wants a new framework for understanding relationships.
The TED Talks channel features the best talks and performances from the TED Conference, where the world's leading thinkers and doers give the talk of their lives in 18 minutes (or less). Look for talks on Technology, Entertainment and Design -- plus science, business, global issues, the arts and more. You're welcome to link to or embed these videos, forward them to others and share these ideas with people you know.
Follow TED on Twitter: / tedtalks
Like TED on Facebook: / ted
Subscribe to our channel: / ted
TED's videos may be used for non-commercial purposes under a Creative Commons License, Attribution-Non Commercial-No Derivatives (or the CC BY - NC - ND 4.0 International) and in accordance with our TED Talks Usage Policy (www.ted.com/about/our-organiz.... For more information on using TED for commercial purposes (e.g. employee learning, in a film or online course), please submit a Media Request at media-requests.ted.com
An affair isn't always the end of a relationship but it is always the end of the relationship as it was once known.
True
Only cucks remain with their cheating partner.
There is such a thing as forgiveness & restoration, but it takes two people to work it through!!
@@StarofSolomon Fools don't forgive! And fools don't ask for forgiveness
For me, it is the end of the relationship, period.
"Not looking for another person, but looking for another self." That hit me hard.
Love, like all emotions, is far more complex than that.
Self is nothing it's an illusion.
Self is what you think we are.
Nothing but thoughts.
What we actually are is not explainable in reality.
Senses and emotions is the nearest thing I can think of.
@@789kbek it's only complicated when you think and dissect its the same with anything.
Love is a idea and no words do it or other emotions any justice.
But if you think nothing,or question anything..
What is any of this?
12:21
it extend to friends in another dimension i feeling
"Staying is the new shame."
This sunk deep.
Same here, I am guilty. I took her back, and my friends lost respect for me.
It may have sunk deep, but is actually shallow and incomplete.
Relationships are complex and the saying "staying is the new shame" is an extreme oversimplification.
Starting from 14:40 on, she explains this.
Give m what they want
But do it safely...
Put something on it and make 100% sure ...
@@coronaphone710 What is your mental disorder exactly?
@@tme98What matters is the respect you have for yourself.
12:22 “it isn’t always our partner, that we are turning away from. but the person we have ourselves become. and it isn’t so much that we are looking for another person, but looking for another self”
That line made me pause, it was truly so beautiful ❤
Brilliant line
If your wife neglects you she should not be surprised when you find a new woman.
Stop the cope.
Yes " looking for another self" and herpes.
I'm in a relationship with the gym, we always seem to workout
It is maybe a dad joke level. But still a very underrated comment.
🤣 brilliant. 👊
Yup
😂😄😂
😁
She's a powerful and brilliant orator. It seems like many here missed her message. She is against infidelity, yet does not cover her ears and shout when both perspectives are examined. She is presenting her analysis of both perspectives, that of the cheat and that of the betrayed. She is very scientific and unbiased, and this speech was very insightful.
What did you learn about cheaters from this? I watched the whole thing hoping to find some insight, but this sorta fell flat to me.
Then you didn't listen. We learned about who cheats, when and why we cheat, what it does to the cheaters, the relationships and how to deal with the situation it creates.
What else do you wanna know?
Wtf??? You need to watch it again and listen this time.
+
I thought she was insightful as well. It seems most people in the comments just didn't understand. This wasn't a pro or anti discussion. It was merely a discussion about the reasons and circumstances and even the outcomes once it happens. I thought it noted some interesting points and perspectives. I'm sure people will now insult me and call me names or something.
30 years ago I cheated on my greatest love and was discovered. It destroyed us both and while she recovered, I didn't. After trying so hard to make it work again she left me and went on to meet and marry another. She is now very happy while I have never fully recovered from the guilt, the loss and the self blame.
:(
You should forgive yourself and put it behind you.
Good
You are likely idealizing the marriage and the love and bond between you. This is easy to do in the absence of the other. Regardless of why the affair happened, and the marriage dissolved, 30 years is WAY too long to be victimizing yourself. You are a different man now. But you have to RECOGNIZE that and CHOOSE, actively, to no longer be stuck in the past.
Sounds more like infactuation than love. If you truly love someone you don't put your own desires above theirs. Move on. Find someone you do love.
Cheating especially in a marriage is probably the worst thing you can do, you can permanently scar someone. Even if the person gets over it, they will always be affected by it. When I was in the military I've seen guys get completely wiped out by news of infidelity, even to the point of suicide.
Suicide because your wife was dishing it out. Fools.
Ah yes, youtube, censor the comment replying to the comment about infedelity induced sucide
100 percent.
@@firewater3523 well uh… if u were saying people are weak and it shouldn’t affect them then I get why they censored u
So true..
"Affair in the digital age , a death by a thousand cuts" WOW
TheSwoleBroscientist Dying by a thousand cuts is a reference to a certain torture technique, where instead of just killing you and getting it over with, they cut many many small cuts in your body until you slowly bleed to death. In her metaphor, the discovery of each piece of history from an affair is like a new cut.
Cocofx Sort of like the meat slicer at Quiznos?
***** just keep your head down and ignore the world, great philosophy. That kind of thinking keeps poverty and crime the most prevalent problems in the world
***** who would think a low life Cheater would be better than them? And why does the person being cheated on become a coward loser for wanting there to be justice in the world?
***** if you had listened to the talk you would remember she said it wasn't a emotional need that caused the affair, it was a fear of the partner's own mortality, and the feeling of _"Is this it?"_ You seem to think *communicate and listen to your partner*, and _everything_ will be _peaches and cream_. That's *bullshit*, you even said relationships are complicated. You are just trying to blame the other person for your own lack of self control, and personal responsibility.
2:50 "Monogamy used to be one person for life. Today monogamy is one person at a time..."
DAMN 😔
@AJ Flex Monogamy could be "always one person for life" only if it is enforced by society like in Islam countries. It is unnatural for our species, it can't make us happy in 90% cases. Things become like it is because people were given a choice and now things are much more natural and closer to our nature which is serial monogamy.
@@greenlitlleman REALLY?
Good luck having a loving and trusting marriage with that mentality.
@@greenlitlleman u serious 🤣🤣🤣
@@pres4417 Its not me, it is evolutionary biology and neuroscience. It isn't a matter of opinion here.
Who else is watching this through tears after being cheated on
Lol at no one responding 😂😂😂
@@Ch0senJuan too vulnerable. But she's not the only one
Me
🎉 It’s my UA-cam and I’ll cry if I want to
Listened to it one more time now after my cheating wife had made me watch it some years back. Ester Perel was one of her main infidelity enablers and rationalisation method. A lot of harm done by Ester, enabling infidelity and at the same time the immense hurt (which Ester brushes aside) of the one being cheated.
He knew how much it would hurt me, but he did it anyway.
i think the most hurtful thing about an affair is thinking of what you were doing while it was happening. Thinking of being at work, Thinking of the times you went to the store, the times u were sleeping and were so naive. You feel bad for yourself, you question what’s true and what’s not. The hardest part is not forgiving the act, it’s forgetting the act. It’s so hard to not ask for constant validation and then wonder if what they’re telling u is even real. Feeling like “this person looked me in my eyes right after they did it and didn’t even feel the guilt”. It’s a scary thought. It makes you question yourself. I don’t know if I can ever let this go but I want to trust him more than anything, I want what he’s saying so badly to be true.
This.. this is actually how it feels to be cheated on by someone you never suspected a thing! And I think if someone hasnt been betrayed by their so trusted partner then they will never know how it really feels! Well said.
@@hak1985org I think its more so the fact that you trusted so easily this person and when you find out they did something you never expected, it hurts to suddenly be shocked with not knowing what is true and what isnt anymore and doubting everything they are saying because now you know how easily they lied to you about so many things. Of course this is gonna make you doubt about yourself and many other things!!
@joo this is exactly how it feels. The constant clash of emotions versus sound logic is exhausting let alone painful.
@@hak1985org There is a human being in front of you -a traumatized one!-, would you mind being more emphatic and not attack their persona, please? That's just unhelpful and rude.
just please dont ignore your intuition. If you want to try only because you love him, think twice. Strongly recommend therapy as it is one of the most devastating things you could ever experience, it leaves a trauma
"It's our imagination that is responsible for love, not the other person"
They missing your point .....
Jason Nowak so true! I’ve been focusing on creating my own happiness from myself!
Being in Love with a projected imagination of what your partner is can be dangerous. If they leave, your left with a shattered self. Some people actually never recover.
@@perry9402 And some end up going on a deadly rampage.
But the imagination is the pinnacle of evolution. You must have been cheated on or never got the girl of your dreams so now you stopped dreaming altogether.
Got married at 23, wife chested 2 years later. Didn't forgive her and found myself a godsend angel in my new wife. Took me 6 years to meet this wonderful person and I couldn't be any happier. This is what a marriage is supposed to feel like. We have a son and we just thank God everyday for life.
Happy for you. May the lord give you both the patience to deal with each other’s imperfections and bless your children.
Yay!
Thanks for letting me know it's out there, and giving hope that I'll find my good relationship when I'm ready!
@@adalindamorales4123 shut up adeleine
@@adalindamorales4123 this was really unecessary
Yeah I understand mine cheated within 6 months. My new wife has been a God send.
Like she said, sometimes we get to the point in marriage where we realize that we are not the person we want to be or really are. Although it is harder to become your real self in a dysfunctional marriage, refusing to be stereotyped by your spouse and living in integrity can actually have a revitalizing effect on your marriage, as you are more like the person that they fell in love with in the beginning. After 20+ years and fruitless counseling, I gave my rings back to my spouse and said, "If you are willing to have a completely different kind of marriage, let me know, because I would be." It took two months, but he decided he was willing and we made steady progress after that. At 45 years of marriage with four grown children and 9 grandchildren, I am glad I hung in there for change.
what kind of marriage did you have and what did it become?
@@derrevolutor6347 I began the first 10 years of marriage trying to become the person that would make my spouse happy...which proved always just out of reach. The next 10 years were spent trying to defend myself and get my spouse off my case, which was gasoline on the fire. The Gottmann's books helped as did Verbal Abuse by Dr Grace Ketterman and Unoffendable by Brant Hansen. In the end insisting on being treated with respect (in a respectful way, of course), getting rid of Gottmann's "4 horsemen" and refusing to accept or internalize intended and unintended offenses (letting the other person be in a "bad mood" but not reacting or cooperating with it) gave us the power to overcome/minimize destructive relational dynamics. Occasionally we slip back but quickly recognize old patterns and apologize or pull out of them. Friendship and companionship is more our goal than romantic drama.
@@rjwl55 wow. I wounderful that you analysed your emotions and found a way of logicly working on it. Most women I know resent this method, stating that their love and relationships can not be explained. You made a rather unique choice, both of you. Thank you for sharing your experience
That’s a beautiful outcome. I’m so glad for you. ❤❤
Rare outcome but did cheating happen? I just don’t understand how someone could trust someone who cheated and continue to stay with them. This Ted Talk is nice but really just word salad.
Cheating isn’t just the physical act. It’s the partner lying to you day after day, smiling in your face and telling you they love you while at the same time texting their affair partner, risking your health with STDS, risking your family’s life because what if they picked an affair partner who is unstable and will show up to your home, etc
When you look at all that evidence you realize this Ted Talk is just word diarrhea. A cheater has shown you they’re dishonest, deceitful, will risk your health and your family JUST to get their attention, validation and sexual urges. Now you tell me why any intelligent person would want to give such a person a chance again?
The logical and intelligent decision is to move on from such a horrible person and try your luck at finding someone better.
The fun of having a partner with whom you have no secrets is better than the thrill of cheating.
But some men (and women) are thrill seekers. They like taking risks. They get a buzz from it. They are addicted to cheating, like alcoholics and gamblers. I have been cheated on. Now i have major trust issues with men.
True
Whether each in a successful relationship knows it or not, humans ALWAYS keep secrets from even those closest to them.
How many secrets, or what kind of secrets, usually depends on how whole or broken they became, from how they were parented from the time they were conceived.
Those who think their partners hold no secrets? Usually are blithely deluding themselves. It would be extremely rare to have no secrets...and if one thinks they’ve found such a couple...think again!
@@Chimonger1 generally this is true but not always.
Winter Star I believe it's just healthy to have a well rounded interesting happy life in your own right that you can then share. It's then up to you and the respective partners how much of that life you participate in. For instance I love ballroom dancing. My husband knows and encourages this as he has observed me at my clubs but he hates that kind of dancing. He on the other hand is a body builder and I have observed him and his colleagues of both sexes at his gym. I get a buzz from having this 'conversation ' through dance that can be quite sexy with many men several times a week. I don't know whether or not this makes my husband jealous he never says but we equally do lots of wonderful intimate things together and share conversations about his gym and my dancing. We are not perfect by any means but this is one of several things I have for me that keeps me emotionally satisfied and interesting to my partner
There are those who rise above childish weakness and make a moral decision to treat their partner with respect. They may, at risk to themselves and the relationship, clearly communicate that they are unfulfilled by the relationship in some way. There is no getting away from it - cheating is an act of disrespect and on a personal level, I would rather be told by a partner that they were 'unhappy' than to be cheated on. The lying, deceit, prevarication and duplicity is a thousand times worse than being told the truth.
Well said
+Gra Piken It's happened to me constantly, and to this day I'm still broken over it.
CCLynnBeauty this is why I hate cheaters. The heart never fully heals
+kioni kearney At least, then you know that it's over and you don't have to deal with the question of "why?".
Thank you Gra! My thoughts exactly. When a person chooses to come up with lies to hide his/her affair all while looking their partner in the eyes & saying love them, the cheater has made a conscious decision to selfishly disrespect the trust and space his/her partner has given. If those likely to cheat put efforts into their "main" relationship that they do in affairs - there would be no need for affairs. Man or woman up and tell the damn truth.
You put those you claim to love at risk physically and emotionally all because you want it all. Communicate! Tell your partners your dreams, fantasies, fears and hopes. If your partner does not want to meet you halfway, get counseling or break up! Sheesh.
So I have mixed emotions about this. I've been on both sides of the fence, and I completely understand that in a relationship, nothing happens in a vacuum. Esther Perel's comment about how the victim of adultery often is not the same as the victim of the relationship is really on point. The odd thing was, when I was on the receiving end of adultery and cheating, I kept waiting to feel terrible... that I wasn't enough, that I should be angry... it never came. What did come was issues with trusting her for sure, but I never was angry and it never made me question my own self worth. It made me question what type of relationship we want to have, was the fairytale version of "marriage" and "love" portrayed by Hollywood even possible? Can one person be everything? Even if they could, should they be? It allowed me to really analyze our relationship, have some super open conversations putting our feelings on the table, and then gave use the opportunity to design the relationship we wanted to have. One of the biggest pieces of advice someone gave me about marriage is... lower your expectations and when people show you who they are, believe them. Stop trying to make an introvert an extrovert, or trying to convert someone who hates musicals into a fan. Let them be who they are and decide if there's enough there to hitch your wagon together.
❤
Nailed it!
Thank you for your comment. There is some very good advise here.
Thank you for this!!! I’m sitting here analyzing how I feel and I don’t feel worthless or ugly or not good enough. I do t have those feelings and reading your comment reinforced that it’s normal and ok. I love myself and know I’m fantastic and worthy. My partner made his own choices. He doesn’t know I know and I’m trying to figure out if I want to say anything or just let it be. I know why he did it even though I don’t agree. Ty
@@melbee4848 Glad it helped a little! I'm the kind of guy that believe people are gonna do what they're gonna do. I don't own her and she doesn't own me... but we do owe each other honesty if we're deciding to be in an intimate relationship. At least we know what we're working with at that point, and can make appropriate decisions or redefine the relationship, rather than setting up a win/loss relationship. Wishing you all the best, but it sounds like you're already very secure in yourself which is a great place to be! Kudos to you!
That's a lot of words just to say you're a cuck.
To me cheating is most damaging because it requires a total lack of honesty, and then creates an immense distrust in the person who cheated. You were sticking to the contract while the other was going off doing whatever they want, treating you as if you're too foolish to notice, too unworthy of being loyal to, and it assumes the cheating partner is too special to be cheated on as well by opening the relationship while the one being cheated on deserves to just be one of many. Being cheated on feels like being stabbed in the chest. I personally believe it is an evil thing to do. Her breakdown on relationships was very insightful though.
This woman immediately commands everyone's attention and holds it for the entire time. What a powerful speaker, and one of the most brilliant minds we have today.
Yes, I noticed it too. She really deserved the standing ovation
wow ---you're easily impressed.
GGR TheMostGodless lol!
Translation...we (women) want to bang whoever we want and still take your money in divorce...
I feel no one deserves to be in a relationship with a narcissist they are terrible people that feel entitled thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my narcissist partner's phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact Mike to help he is a genius, you can text/call +1 (415) 323-6758 or reach him on WhatsApp +1 (724) 330-3252 and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701)
She is not only brilliant in her analysis, but also a master of language.
@Fernando Fernando Explain that, please.
joseph bianco so you’re a cheater
@@krose420 or his insight comes from being cheated on
@@krose420 stop gaslighting and projecting
henare101 honey what’s wrong with you? You sound miserable
Cheating is an intentional act of cruelty, it's not something that just happens
Very powerful words. As someone who was cheated on....yet we managed to continue our relationship. The parting words really struck me: "your first marriage is over, would you like to start a new one?" That is exactly how it is if you choose to stay together. It is not for everyone and the cultural norms and peer pressure (as she discuses here are so powerful) make it almost unbearable to stay together.
Cheated once...and never again. Really?
You’re still getting cheated on.
Same here. The process of building trust again with her and moving through the process is very difficult. I beat myself up daily for what I have done. I hope one day I can forgive myself.
@@madmike3012Statistics show 60% of men and 40% of women cheat. But, 90% of people only have one affair.
@@MrMoronificationwhy did u do it? :/ If you don’t have a problem sharing
This is one of the best Ted Talks I have ever seen. This woman is so intelligent, captivating, and powerful. She is perfectly rehearsed and polished. She has put together an incredible, well-thought-out, riveting speech, and she is an exceptional speaker. She absolutely commands the audience. Unlike so many speakers of Ted Talks she never stutters, stumbles, and stammers over her speech. And, unlike many Ted speakers, she is anything but boring. She is beyond eloquent and charismatic. I would watch this woman read newspaper obituaries. In short, she is brilliant. Brava, Esther Perel. Your standing ovation was exceedingly well-deserved.
+Ginina Pulcinella I read a few comments prior to watching the talk and thought yours was setting me up to be disappointed. But I found that 15 minutes in I was in complete agreement. By the end, however, I found that the talk was lacking a very important element. And that element has to do with spirituality. For her talk only dealt with the carnal aspect of adultery. And as she only dealt with this aspect of our dual nature (spiritual and carnal) she shows that she does not truly understand the deeper nature of an affair.
Furthermore, the fact that she does not outright condemn affairs because some good sometimes appears to come out of it also shows how much she lacks in understanding human nature and the why's and the consequences of adultery. Identifying those occasions where some good seems to come from it does not erase or make up for the harm that usually follows.
+Ginina Pulcinella that does NOT mean she is intelligent, captivating? an expression, not what someone is.
powerful? why, because she rehearsed it?
intelligent? not at all for the reasons you describe
knowledge does NOT equal intelligence.
EVERY person on ted talks are intelligent in some way, you are WRONG.
+Ginina Pulcinella praising? literally your opinion, it does not make it right, and neither does peole agreeing with you
+Ginina Pulcinella yep i listened to this speech and she isnt as smart or knowledgable about the other ted speakers, you dont realise this BECAUSE she is captivating (or you're just fucking stupid)
+Ginina Pulcinella So ... your idea of a compliment is to put down another. ie: ..."unlike many TED speakers"....
That hardly exhibits intelligence.
Describing ..."many TED speakers" as a stutterer is patently false. Which is an exhibition of yet... more intelligence.
The worst part of this whole ordeal, is that for those of us who are truly monogamous, are also sadly the most vulnerable.
Other pieces of the pie some will restrict to weekends.
In a way, It almost encourages you to not be 100% loyal at all :(
@@yusufdurmus1557 I always say: "Why be a good man tomorrow, when you can be a good man today"
Love is making yourself vulnurable right?
@@jordanallen8420 creep.
'The victim of the affair, is not always the victim of the marriage.' Wow. That is an incredible truth.
Yes it is
It sure is...
It's bs. Do better, this person isn't qualified to even give these talks let alone council broken marriages. Google is your friend...
Whenever I run out of reasoning and common sense, i go back to this talk. Excellently delivered😑
hz0yoe Holyoke
Yeah, the only way you can listen to this nonsense is if your brain isnt working well. A relationship is over after cheating. Regardless of any feelings or any desire. If you forgive them once, they are just going to keep doing it.
@@baronhelmut2701 exactly, this is justa a well spoken mental gymnastic to justify the lack of moral compass, lack of self control.
“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
- Bob Marley
Great quote...
yeah, a singer , he must know about psychology
@@gericko4931 You don't have to have a diploma to know about life... Life experience also counts, everyone is searching for their own answers. Also, his quote is more philosophical than scientific.
@@florat3742 well said. Psychological "experts" act as if they literally created human beings. Their field is so subjective that I find it difficult to call it "scientific".
And how to make suffer those who instigated the hurt
44 years with my sweetie and I’ve never strayed once… I made a commitment out of love and it’s as strong as ever.
may god bless you
Oh here we go 😂
Well said John, you're a great and very honest and honorable man. Me too I swear, I've been married for more than 24 years now, I've never ever cheated on my wife.
Really, there is more than one way to "Stray" , Nevertheless, good job. I commend you for marriage longevity, I could not stand him after a few days of marriage.
I didn't know that was possible for men.
Your wife is lucky. ♥️🍀🍀🍀
I wanted to try again after my husband cheated. He didn't. He also told me he thinks he'll likely end up dating the girl he cheated with, but wants to stay friends with me. Screw that. Is he hurt that I set a boundary and said no? Of course. But am I done living by his laws? Absolutely. I feel angry and heartbroken, of course, but I also feel liberated. I have no one to answer to any more, and this whole affair has shown me who my real friends are. I have fewer than I thought, but as many as I need, and I will get through this divorce.
You did right. Actually im the cheater in mine i flirted with a classmate bcos i was influences that girls and boys who are friends do it as joke. But i realised that if i have to hide then its wrong. When he got to know i was actually more hurt than my bf. And its been 5 years and i still feel hurt that how can i make my love feel this way how did i end up disrespecting him.
Tbh, your husband doesnt care abt you and you should never give him chance. Im telling tbis bcos honestly constant feeling regret helped mw grow and be better for him.
Now even if be decides to leave ill be happy tbat atleast i tried to heal him
Right on I went through it myself they never get better they get worse ❤
There’s something incredibly sad about the idea of looking for the bright side or the opportunity in an affair. Being cheated on sucks, having to imagine the events as they took place sucks. Picturing your partner with someone else sucks and choosing to live with it also sucks.
One hundred percent. The thing Im struggling with is imagining him doing to her the same things he did to be, or better, and enjoying it.
@@mikaylawright6625I can almost guarantee he truly did not enjoy it and hates himself for what he did if he’s showing deep remorse. I know I didn’t enjoy it. It made me sick. I went limp. And was sick all night afterward until I left.
@@unonumero717you sound like you have a conscience. Many people either don't, or feel entitled or justified to have the affair. Some cheat because their partners have already cheated. Some cheat just because they can. Some even cheat because they were told not to and it reasserts their independence. But what I do know is that so many people do not feel guilty as they justify it in their own minds.
Sorry Sir, I know the feeling. 😔
Amen, you are absolutely right.
"Staying is the new shame." This woman has it so figured out... DAMN
I could only keep waking up with a fake smile on my face for so long.
LITERALLY
That profoundly hit home!!
@@dud3man6969 it's difficult to do. Especially when you start waking up alone more often than not. There is a breaking point ...and even though we knew an ending was coming, it doesn't help ease the pain when it happens.
@@tiffanybluetarot I do understand. When you’re really bonded with someone you believed you could trust the betrayal is hard to believe at first.
My wife and I have been married almost 40 years. I find her more attractive and desirable than ever. A lot of that happens because both of us have a strong desire to be better people.
@@reneekelley4279 If you had watched the whole video you can see that there is a lot more than meets the eye. It is a form of cowardice to simply accept the pressure of society.
Self improvement definitely makes a person more attractive.
@Jack Strawb good luck with that attitude.
@@smitajky the majority of people are followers and follow the crowd. Just look at how the politicians can stir up people for their self interest. Unless people have a wise standard they will follow anything. Most people want to be right rather than have a relationship. A lawyer friend of mine once told me he quit doing divorces because he believed 99% of the troubles people had in marriages could be helped if the couple were not focused on being right but rather on being humble and getting help.
That’s beautiful and you all are lucky to have each other. ❤️
My partner was cheating on me while we were leaving together for 2 years. Although there were so many some red flag, but she never stopped telling me how much she loved me and want to spend the rest of her life with me. So I kept on believing her lies and shoving the red flags. . Never knowing that she was having an affair with a guy that I know and they both kept it a secret. I got to find out when I open up to a very good business partner. How I have been noticing some red flags and he advised me on what to do and to find out for sure if she is being faithful. It was then that I realized that she was having an affair with this guy and they were secretly making future plans.. I was so heart broken by this but still grateful that I did the needful to actually find out. It is really such a painful thing how people plays with ones emotions.
So how did you find out?
I employed the help of a professional, who helped me to uncover everything with evidence. Here is his contact no. below
1[559]
[3760]
[021]
EVERYTHING she said is true in so many ways, i couldn't agree more with her analysis on infidelity
Basically, if you're bored in a relationship, you don't need an affair, you need a hobby.
@AmarNathan - What is "love" to you? What is a relationship to you? Perhaps you are not embracing the whole person in your "relationship." In that case, it would be easy to understand how you so easily get bored. A relationship takes time to build, and it should get better and go deeper with time, if you have chosen a person with whom you are well-matched. If you choose a person that you have little in common with, then you will get bored because there is nothing to build on.
@AmarNathan maybe its an age factor. Women over 30 tend to have a better handle on their worldview. Maybe they are projecting to much on you idealisically...Or if you are simply oblivious- you could be amused by taking off on someone and bewildered by their confusion and loneliness. You got to set some boundaries for yourself and be explicit with them.
AmarNathan personally, I don’t find anything wrong with that......IF!!! you are honest up front and let them know that’s how you are and that’s all you want. Believe me, there are women who don’t want the entanglement of an honest commitment too. But if you aren’t honest up front, you’re nothing but a scoundrel.
Yes, but people look for easy n cheap tactics...rather than putting efforts in themselves.
AmarNathan You are exactly right! Look at what these people are saying to you. Be with one girl. Don't want other girls. If you cheat, you are breaking their trust, betraying them, crushing their dreams, being a scoundrel, causing the end of civilization basically. Jeez, no pressure...just live up to our expectations of you. And ignore your intensely powerful natural, biological drives.
You are actually the only one being honest with him/herself here. I guarantee you some of these people scolding you have cheated or would love to. It's is an extremely powerful drive.
Good talk.
Yes, the affair did redid one my marriage- it ended it. The narcissist ex-spouse:
1:accused me of having an affair constantly
2. Denied having an affair even after I caught her, while:
3. She blamed me for having an affair.
Good riddance to that psycho.
Years later, I met a ‘normal’ woman, which blew my mind. I waited for a year for the lies and gaslighting to start, but they never did. I consider myself blessed.
Same story here, hah!
It still catches me off guard to get a sweet, loving, appreciative message from my SO.
Sounds like my Ex...
Sorry about your experience. Yes, she romanticizing infidelity too much.
Narcissists aren’t looking for another self when cheating , they aren’t able to self reflect period, and it’s never their fault.
They pursuit of an affair is deliberate, they want their cake and eat it too.
But they sure teach you a lot about self love, after relationship with a Narcissists your boundaries and values reassessed.
Sound borderline
Why is it always heartbreak then a good person shows up LIKE WTF Why Can't the Good Person Show up first
My second best Ted talk ever! Well articulated. “When we seek the gaze of another, it isn’t always our partner that we are turning away from, but the person that we have ourselves become”.
It's my experience that trying to make things work after the pain of infidelity is a mugs game. After 30 years I still feel the same, I remember every sordid moment of what was done to me (twice), I should have moved on but I stayed because of the kids, now I stay because of the grandchildren. There is no love. My advice to anyone is to make the break as fast as you can, the sooner they are gone from your life, the sooner you'll start to mend. adulterers don't change, they don't deserve forgiveness.
Your comment makes me sad for you...
I don’t know how your life is now.
But just no it’s never too late to leave. Don’t live your life for other not your kids,grandkids,friends, no one. Live life the way you want to even if it disrupts the peace. I say not being who you are and not choosing yourself is the biggest betrayal. I say you can still leave.
I hope the beat for you💗
I don't even know if the word is whether they deserve forgiveness or not I'm not sure either even matters whether they're sorry for it or not you have to take care of you and all I can say is I am a person who has an extremely faithful personality, and I despise despise adultery, despise and faithfulness And it happened to me I guess where my husband was cheating and I gave him six months to change and he didn't and I'm glad I left him never been sorry about leaving him actually did me some good I totally laugh about it now and I'm so glad I stayed firm. It would've been a mistaketo allow him to come back into my life and yes, the children did suffer. They would've suffered whether we were together or whether we were apart his actions were horrid.
What you say at 6:15 reminds me of a class I took in college on sexuality. The professor separated the students by gender and had each group create a pie chart of characteristics or attributes they look for in a partner. So the female groups pie consisted of things like being a good father, being financially responsible, supporting me, having a sense of humor... The male group then came up with a similar list but you could definitely see a difference in the items listed for each group. The thing that we discussed afterwards was that no one person fulfills EVERY piece of your pie. They may be great with money but not great in bed. They may be super funny but not great at making you feel supported. The question posed by the professor was "which pieces of the pie can you live without and which ones are absolutely essential for you to want to remain in that relationship?" I think of that when I am discussing relationship topics with people, it is an interesting concept.
That is such a good point. I always say "No person is so perfect, so Ideal, as to be the be all, end all, everything you will ever want, need, desire, every day 24/7 for the REST OF YOUR LIFE. And if you think such a person exists, I have a bridge to sell you."
The problem is that we are raised, and society strongly influences, an idea that you can only be with one person or should only be with one person at a time. I like the current trends of open marriages and polyamory, I just wish I had been born about 30 years later so I could have participated in what I see playing out now.
I don't know dude. Jeff Goldblum is up there.
Perfect concept
Hi Annony Mouse, I would like to talk more about alternatives to “normal” relationships. I consider myself polyamorous and would love to hear your perspective as someone “from another time”. Your comments were very refreshing.
"Monogamy used to be one person in life, today monogamy is one person at a time" nice one
Lol
Monogamy IS, by definition, one person at a time. It could be only one person for life, or you could be with a number of people, but if you don't sleep with someone else when you're with a given person, then by definition you're monogamous.
Some people get married, or form an exclusive partnership with another, and the other person dies. After that, they find someone else. If they don't shag anyone other than their current partners, then they're monogamous.
@@devilsoffspring5519 what you are describing is serial monogamy, which is a form of polygamy. Monogamy means one partner for life.
If we accept your definition then even a prostitute can be classified as monogamous if she goes with one client at a time, which obviously doesn't make any sense.
Don't mistake the concept with the application.
@@devilsoffspring5519 a cheater probably changed the original one person for life definition to incorporate their own actions haha j/k
It's what we call serial monogamy
I think what needs to be discussed more about this subject, is that you shouldn’t blame or question yourself when someone cheats on you. It is not your fault that someone made a decision on their own to lie, hide and manipulate the relationship to cheat. It’s not about you, it’s about them period.
No, it is about you too though. As a couple you’ll both need to find a new dance. But you’re right in the sense that blame and blaming isn’t constructive in any way.
@@ExtremeObservations no, the only person guilty is the cheater.
@@kartmo if you're the type that people easily walk over or dismiss and you are betrayed then parr of it is your fault. But if you just happened to commit to a narcissist who just does it not because you weren't enough, not because you weren't doing enough but simply because he/she can then none of it is your fault. Like when you divert most of your salary to alcohol to the problem it becomes an issue that's crippling your home and so in response to that your wife secretly starts seeing someone else. I'm not saying you deserve it or that it was okay or right, you had it coming. Part of that is your fault because you brought in willingly inadequacies and your wife responded to that by looking for someone better than you were at that time to take care of her and her needs.
@@MZRTMusic254don't give advice, you're terrible at it. What an ignorant comment
Every relationship has 2 parties, and each one contributes to the dynamic. Any good therapist will tell the cheated-on to look inward to see their part in the outcome.
Wow. She's really good. I hardly ever subscribe to the videos I watch, but I want to hear more of her. She's direct, uses delightful language, and tackles the most difficult parts of her talk head on. I'm impressed.
Betrayal in a relationship comes in many forms: neglect, contempt and indifference
That’s the cold harsh truth
So very true 😪
Spotted the cheaters
@@KarlosEPM Yup, the typical excuses.
@@oemj7147 you do understand that this does refute OP's statement right?
I had hardly ever seen any other speaker in Ted Talks than this person with such deep understanding of the concepts they are talking about.
Amin Mansouri i agree
there is nothing that can't be justified. Nothing. even lieing, stealing, ect. there is a reason for any and all behaviors. anything can be reframed to look good. I really am not getting tha aha moment here. liars, cheaters, thief's have always existed and always will. and yes, we are to forgive. and to work on ourselves.
Explainations and justifications are very different things.
then you acutally start listening to what they say...
@Angela Wilson it's not all about you. take her advice and ask investigative questions and not accusitive ones which will eat you up inside.
She is so well-spoken. I love this Ted! I love how she spoke with conviction, facts, asked important questions, challenged some beliefs while remaining respectful, and sprinkled a sense of humor.
I love how it doesn’t end with just “no, move on” because that it not always the case for some. The reason behind infidelity reveals a lot more truth to about the person who commits the act than just reflecting the relationship itself or their partner.
It’s definitely a grey-area of introspection when trying to find the next steps because the answer lies within one’s core values and beliefs.
I was cheated on by my first partner with a good friend. It was like a double whammy loosing 2 people. They never told me directly so I stuck around for a while after. I was to young and dumb to know how to deal with it and It destroyed me as a person. I went around lying in every relationship. Never fully committing to the person because I thought everyone was a cheater. I ended up finding someone amazing eventually and falling in love. I thought I’m going to be honest and commit to this girl. It was 4 years into the relationship when I started cheating on her. I got super paranoid she would cheat on me and didn’t want to be the fool again. Turns out I was the biggest fool I’d ever been. I only destroyed her and myself even more. I eventually confessed as I couldn’t let her live a fake reality for so long like I did. She appreciates I did that and she ended up leaving me. At first I asked to her to give me another chance I would do whatever it took to rebuild her trust but once I knew she had made up her mind I fully respected her decision and let move on with out any drama from me. I can’t express how low I feel right now for committing an act that caused so much damage to her life.
I promise myself I will never start a romantic relationship with anyone until I have dived deep into myself, do the hard work and fight these Demons and heal these wounds. Because losing your integrity is one thing, but hurting people you love is the worst thing you can do.
Please forgive yourself mistakes happen we are humans but find a person who can tolerate mistakes even affairs and stay with you. Find a wife.
Best of luck to you. You seem like you’ve really gotten introspective. Hope you figure things out and find a partner to be faithful to.
Just find a good partner who will accept it and you, Who will take care of you,,and you to her. And not bringing up the past. Just go forward and live your life.
I wish my husband would tell me the truth. I feel like I need closure, but he just keeps gaslighting me.
It sounds like you are a good person
"It isn't always our partner that we are turning away from, but the person that we have ourselves become. And it isn't so much that we are looking for another person, as much as we are looking for another self". (Esther Perel)
Pure poetic truth...love her so much!
This struck me!
If more ppl would pay attention to this and not falling into depression or suicide.
I loved that part too, she is not only intelligent but really poetic. Her speech was like an epic so that I became so overwhelmed at the end. But even after that, there are bad types of infidelities you can never survive from.
Why can't people just not be cowards, and end the relationship rather than cheating?
THIS just hit home for me.....wow!!!! I replayed it 6 times
So true.
Infidelity is a betrayal to the children too and they have no say in the re-building of the relationship. Few parents actually acknowledge what their children go through.
Why do you feel that it is a betrayal to children?
@@bansheeebeatz because children grow up to believe their parents are madly in love and that nothing could break them apart. So when this perfect - or at least peaceful- picture of their family is torn, it really takes a toll on them. Deep down, no matter what, no child likes to see their parents separate or hurt each other in any way. Not to mention that through and after divorce, the kids will have to be separated from one parent and just keep being thrown back and forth between the two until they are old enough to make that decision or live by themselves. And what about their mental health? It's not going to be any better.
True
@@yve4889 Wrong. I don't know any kids that grew up thinking their parents were madly in love... that's a fallacy. Children catch on to the true behavior of parents very very early (around age 5 usually).
@@LSSYLondon You sound like someone who haven't had kids yourself, if not, you're not understanding your children well enough. My parents has always been fighting since I was very young, but I've always gripped onto the image that everything would be fine, and I could be like the other kids. My father's affairs have affected both our family and me personally severely, it has robbed me of the ability to trust or commit to a relationship. Even though children can catch onto the behaviors of their parents early (which is quite unfortunate, no children should grow up that fast), the hurt and the damage of an affair will always be guaranteed.
All I can say is this: If my partner cheats on me, even once, they are gone. There is no therapy, there is no talking about it. We are done. Period.
A lot easier said than done…
I’ve seen so many people say what say and take it back when they are in a different boat.
I agree, and I wish I had that strength.
how many times has your partner cheated and you never knew
@@positivevibesonly4426 I know my self worth and what I deserve, whatever "boat" I'm in isn't going to change that.
Cosign
"it isnt that we are looking for another person but we are looking for another self"..............damn........ you nailed it.
i have felt like a different self in each of the relationships that i have had. always wondered if others felt the same.
thx
Maybe because you were not your true self in every relationship you had..we wether consciously or subconsciously tailor ourselves to fit in with our partners and in a way we lose some of our true selves..Or maybe because everyone you were with brought out something in you you didn't know existed we grow and we learn new things about ourselves everyday.
yup....growth is life.
Yes absolutely.
i think the only way for any relationship to work is to tone down on the expectations from each other and take it one day at a time..........this forever love nonsense is what ends up killing the bond between two consenting adults.....give space and get space in return..........deep understanding of the balance between both is the key.
+jaguarfocus with respect, maybe you shouldn't depend on others to define your "self"
"Affairs in the digital age is death by a thousand cuts." 😧😦😥 So true.
Keira Lewis I so totally agree with you Keira. That is how my wife had her 2-year emotional affair. And 3 years later after it was exposed, I again still do not have access to her email account or phone. Feel like I am being set up for another bout of heartache on the horizon.
@@c.j.9248You likely will have to suffer another affair unless you demand full transparency and access to her accounts in return for continuing the marriage with her or else threaten with the divorce which she deserves. Secrecy is how she got into an affair the first time. She has to earn your full trust first but you have to be assertive and show her you can divorce her if she doesn't make the effort to do so.
Nothing quite like that feeling of stumbling across the digital evidence. 😩
a hit to the gut
Right. I've never related to something so hard😩😩😩
Infidelity/cheating is in my opinion a lack of self control. It’s so sad to even imagine the pain that this could cause. What we don’t talk about is the very unfortunate situations that come from infidelity, like giving your partner and incurable STD or a baby being born. There is no excuse and I feel for anyone that has gone through it.
Murder my broken heart
@@aloalo3727 🥺
Would you say habitual drug use by the non-cheating spouse (prior to the infidelity) is a lack of self control? There are many underlying causes that would lead a person to infidelity, which some were touched upon in the video by the therapist who has years worth of data to back her theory. Sure, a lack of self control could be one of the causes, but everyone’s experience is unique and nuanced.
@@Broken_healing9908 This is the comment that I was looking for. Infidelity sucks, but for many, its the lesser of two evils. "Should I stay faithful to a spouse that has no desire whatsoever, or can I fulfill the most natural form of human connection (outside of marriage) and lose everything that I worked for through my entire life?" What an awful existence.
@@Broken_healing9908 Yes habitual drug use is lack of self control as well. That doesnt excuse cheating, especially when its easier to leave a marriage than ever
Choosing to stay when you can leave is the new shame. This is gold❤️
Its really really true. My husband hasn't cheated but i have felt betrayed by him at a point in our relationship... this exact thought went through my head...
The truth is if it hadnt have happened im not sure if i would be a close to him as we are now. Our problem solving skills and our trust absolutely exploded....
He cheated on me and everyone was flabbergasted I still wanted to stay and work it out. He was the MOST shocked. He told me point blank if I had cheated he would absolutely not have stay.
My friends indeed did try to shame me and say I should not stay at the time but it wasn't the sexual cheating that bothered me as much as the lies that went with every aspect to cover up the cheating to make me feel like I was crazy.. If we create a space for trust things can improve was my thought. He started lying again about 6 months ago, non-stop. I am glad I stayed for my own peace of mind, 5 years ago but his behavior and our relationship didn't improve so after almost 8 years together, I left...without a word.
He mistook my genuine desire to get to the bottoms of things and grow as a couple as a weekness and his distain and disrespect just grew because I stayed.
My parents have been married and supportive of each other for 50 years and weather everything, so not working things out is not an option in my mind.
I am hoping to find the same but with no shame in staying or going when needed.
@@sandracastillo3317 I bloody applaud you for your stance, the stance that we have as a society that if it's broken or cracked we need to throw it away and buy a new thing instead of trying to fix it first. Working things out and getting to the bottom of the discontent that caused the affair to begin with is it something that we can fix or is it something that is just something that is broken within my partner a sense of rebellion that they hadn't expressed at a younger age etc. but kudus to you for not staying when you sensed disrepect. all the best.
I wanted to leave early on but I was embarrassed. I thought I could make it work. The disrespect was crazy! I finally startd to see the light about 2yrs ago, I let go emotionally over a year ago and left physically 4 months ago 🤦♀️🤷♀️. It's definitely hard....oh he started dating someone right away...
So long as you realize she didn’t mean it as if it were true or a good thing.
This was very insightful and captivating. "Many cheaters feel guilty for hurting their partner but not about the affair itself "💯
Cheaters don’t change, despite what others say.
You might be talking from experience but sorry, some do
Humans are mammals and only 3 to 5% of all mammals are monogamous. Throw in social media and you have darwinism on crack. Fight it, hate it, ignore it, nothing's gonna change, it'll only get worse.
Or not to be a habitual cheater, liar, or diminish it.
Nope nope nope. If cheaters felt at all guilty they’d stop at the first kiss. They don’t. Most do it again and again and again. For normal non-cheaters this behaviour is incomprehensible. Cheaters don’t care bc they have no guilt receptors. Or love receptors for that matter
Social media and Relationships.
Temptation is all over our phones these days and we have been programmed to “swipe left” because we believe there is always someone better.
The constant need to look elsewhere will leave people in a never ending circle of unhappiness with their significant other.
I honestly think that in the 21st century, the opposite gender is way too accessible to each other within our mobile devices and men and women talk way too freely where boundaries are crossed blurring the lines of inappropriateness.
So unfortunately the inappropriate conversations lead to affairs and they cheat on the one they supposedly love.
People need to take a step back, put their phones down and focus on what’s in front of them, because some people don’t realize how lucky they truly are, to have what they currently have in a relationship.
We should stop giving our attention to people who don't deserve it and start focusing on the ones that do.
Do me a favor, and appreciate what you have before it becomes what you had.
Time always reveals what you mean to someone.
Lulz - yet millennials and genz are extremely asocial
I totally feel what you are saying. 🙏🏼
and learn to practice to resist the short term impulse and temptation
Don't risk or give up what matters most (especially in the long term) for what feels good in the moment... Which doesn't last long and doesn't really matter to you. Don't live a life of regret. Think about the consequences to the future versions of yourself before you make choices that will hurt you and or others.
I think you will know if you have that much awareness whether someone you invest your time in is a cheater or not. If theyre on dating apps then kick them to the curb. I dont date men that are on instagram, or dating apps. They are lustful and will nearly always cheat if given the opportunity
My parents were both the one and only for each other; the key: they waited until they knew they had the "one>". She's right; they often were homebodies, yes; they argued and all that. They liked to hang out with each other; they supported each other. If you are happy with your home and see what you have at home as "the one". Even if you are out and someone flirts with you, you won't take it seriously and won't let it become anything. The internet is a problem; people think they have all these options out there.
I kind of agree. I came from a smaller town and from a slightly different time where being married was the thing you needed to do once you graduated high school. I resisted doing so, or I would have been divorced. Many women I went to school with married the first person that asked them, because they were in love with the idea of marriage and children, ignoring the fact that the guy was really a bad fit for them personally, with a lot of red flags. Many had parents that stayed married out of obligation and not love, and they accepted that they might need to as well. But we live longer lives, and societal norms are shifting. Many of these women ended up single Moms, looking for another man to help support them and their children when their horrible marriage blew up. No person is a perfect fit, but waiting and opting for someone who is a better fit for a partner, is definitely more acceptable these days. And never forgetting that marriage is work and appreciating and acknowledging your spouse goes a long way to keeping them happy and by your side.
12:21 Wow. Just brilliant!
"It isn't always our partner that we are turning away from, but the person that we have ourselves become. And it isn't so much that we are looking for another person, as much as we are looking for another self."
This comment of Esther's is so succinct
thats the nicest way to say broken people seek to comlplete themselves.
Ivan Ahumada Not necessarily even broken people. It can be people who are just bored with their life routine and dead-scared of aging.
@@Redfoxx4eva I think the vast majority of people feel unfulfilled in some way
I love this comment but it takes a bit of a monster to look for another self by destroying someone you allegedly love.
In my opinion this is a video that everyone no matter the generation, age, race, gender identity, political ideology; everyone.... Should watch.
What about non binary Reptilians?
no
This lady is bullshit
Eduardo Martinez probably because you’ve cheated
I agree. When she said that today it takes bravery to NOT condemn an affair that is the unfortunate truth. If between 25 and 75% of PEOPLE have had an affair it also means that there are between 7% to 50% of marriages in which one or other has NOT had an affair. Being able to understand it and to handle it would greatly reduce the suffering across the nation. Yet we are too stupid to see that so we doom ourselves to a needless misery.
Every relationship I've ever been in, I've been cheated on. It has always left me thinking that the problem is with me & as much as I'd like to have someone in my life to build with, it just doesn't appear to be in the cards for me. I just can't stay with anyone I can't trust. To date, that means my standards are too high & I'll probably die alone. Infidelity sucks 😞
You are deserving of much better, and you will find it. Create that self worth for You, and it will come. Sending you love and compassion for what you have been through ❤
Replace "cheat" with "hit". Still your fault?
Nah cheating is always the end of the relationship for anyone who respects themselves.
"Who's children are these and who gets the cows when I die." The vast majority of the history of humanity summed up in a single statment. I like it.
Hmm who's or whoose?
Princess Ameatia it's whose :). In order to know for next time, expand the 'who's' contraction and see if the sentence sounds right. "Who is children are these...?" Versus "Whose children are these...?" I hope this helps!
Great comment! (Do not care about your grammar lol.)
Princess Ameatia ...yet it will still go over plenty of heads
Civilization, not humanity.
“Your first marriage is over, do you like to create a second one together...?”
Let’s talk about ending lecture with a high key!
That quote has become the motto of my relashionship, let go of trting tonhet what tou once had and let's create something new!!
Do she mean with the same person?
@@kathy2888 yes with the same person
@A loud Italian shh
Big "No",
Once milk becomes curd, it won't become milk again...
This lady is very knowledgeable , it’s safer to get away from a cheater that has proven they will betray you .
That's the opposite of what she said?
@@danyminaya2828 she didn't recommend anything. She just gave us the knowledge so that we can make wise decisions which are good for us. At the end she just posed a question, "Are you ready to start a new one?". So the answer is upto us.
@@archankumarmyana40 yes but the whole point of this talk was to give new perspectives that oppose the one described in the original comment
@@lessknowledgeplease it seems like you are, I didn’t view like that and never said I agreed. Think about it 😉
Frankly, you should end any relationship the moment any harmful or even pointless lie is caught. Things like "no you dont look fat in those pants" or planning a surprise party behind their back are exempt. But something seemingly insignificant like telling their friend they did the washing up when you know you did it, or that they went for a run when they actually slept in is a sign that they will lie about anything.
Excellent!! An affair comes about as a “perfect storm”.
occurring when you least expect it. We have the power to refuse and make our own decisions for our life journey.
Everyone is tempted. Character is how you respond to that temptation. It is a moral choice based in honor.
Exactly!
yup
Since EVERYONE choses to SIN => everyone is morally flawed and their character is not of the integrity/righteousness that anyone else should emulate them, correct ?
WE ARE ALL W/O HONOR, correct ? Even YOU, right ?
@@13kimosabi13 you assume the worst in everyone. Again sin is a choice. You can choose not to sin and live a life of honor and integrity. Doing the right thing is usually the harder choice. To sin is easy.
@@MERKAMGCLK What you believe, if you truly believe it => is a LIE ! Not only is doing the right thing hard to do => it's impossible. Sure => all of us can do some things that seem right (to the rest) and some of us can do a lot of things that the group would be impressed with.......but not GOD ==> HE EXPECTS A MUCH HIGHER STANDARD => HE EXPECTS YOU TO MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE EVERY TIME ==> and you fall way short of HIS EXPECTATION. Please stop lying to yourself that you CAN and that YOU WILLFULLY DECIDE TO DO THE RIGHT THING ALL OF THE TIME. I have to call BS. And you need to hear that......because you've managed to deceive yourself. WAKE UP ! YOUR HONOR AND INTEGRITY ARE FILTHY RAGS TO GOD. Read Romans 3:23.
I can't imagine this speech being given in any accent other than French.
true
and I can't imagine those words come out of anyone other than a French.
+Sebastian Anderson she is from Belgium :-)
Isn't it Russian?
+Sebastian Anderson OMG, I love her accent
how beautiful what she sais about looking for another self... "it isn't so much that we're looking for another person, as much as we are looking for another self"...
12:30 "It isn't so much that we are looking for another person, as much as we are looking for another self." Wow - strong words! Very accurate.
Which you can find practicing self improvement and without an affair
Right on. I caught my ex husband looking for another self. I thought it was a great idea, so I started looking for another him too! But at least I had the grace to get a divorce first. Byeeeeeeee!
@@sergiu.leustean Harder said than done? Well then guess what? You're not ready for a relationship. So don't get into a relationship until you've sorted yourself out.
@@sergiu.leustean
"When you try to change yourself being in a relationship comments like "This is not you" / "Why are you fake now" etc will pop from the other person, which will make it very frustrating for the person who wants to change / live different even if they consider to do that what the current partner.
A relationship of "A person" with a specific individual will establish some stronger patterns of behaviour and some weaker patterns of behaviour compared with a relationship with another person which has different type of personality and which, through the new created dynamic with her/him, the "A person" will adapt / manifest different types of traits."
This is utter gibberish. When you've got the English language sorted out, come back for a polite chat.
@@sergiu.leustean But can't you just discover yourself and change yourself by making new friends then? Or trying new activities with your partner. Travel to different places, experience different things, meet different people, read different books, listen to different perspectives. There's numerous ways to practice self improvement and change. It doesn't have to be within the context of an affair.
“When we seek the gaze of another, it isn’t always our partner we are turning away from but the person that we ourselves have become.”
“Oh well” is right. Leave that nonsense in the past! Let it go. Now you have a spouse and you’ve made a solemn vow to give yourself whole to them. Focus on the path you’re on together NOW, not “could be” fantasies of elsewhere!
I think people have forgotten to take responsibility for themselves. If the reason for the affair is a response to the person they have become, that's within themselves to change that. We all have autonomy of our lives. If we don't like the person we have become,, or position we are at in life, change it! I tell my kids they decide what kind of a person they want to be. Be a better person and fix yourself.
Bible speaks
@@citizenfour9622 your right on. Can you imagine where we're going! Excuses are now available for debauchery! Check morality
@@davidretondo2871 ...and, so....whatever...
Wow. Deep insight. It's difficult to acknowledge all aspects of an affair when you are the victim/perpetrator but this one conversation was instantly life-changing. Funny, sad and inspiring. Thank you!
Break trust and it never truly returns. Excellent TED Talk, thanks Esther Perel.
That’s not true at all
Communication is the #1 problem in most relationships. If you cheat on me I’m out. I relay that from the very beginning of the relationship.
Now, if you tell me you are thinking about cheating because of XYZ...I will be hurt, but will appreciate the honesty. My goal is to work on resolving XYZ in order to strengthen the relationship. All you have is trust. Too many relationships die because of a thousand tiny cuts that lead to resentment, anger, and infidelity. In many relationships the silence of everything that was not said is deafening. Always stand up for yourself in a relationships and make sure your partner accepts who you are. Communicate constantly.
Wish I did this
You say “If you cheat on me I’m out” but you also say you’ll be grateful if she tells u she is thinking about X Y Z.
You many not agree but let me lay it on you: and It depends how much time you have (if you are 85 it may not be your thing...)
If you realize the importance of transcending your jealousy, and if you accept that you may both love another person and accept that, you may change your views.
Open relationships are in the cards for the next century..
But to be willing to roll along one must understand what you get out of this: transcending your jealousy is a Big Thing.
(Obviously not in the form of cheating - it requires work and constant communication). The partner knows when one is interested in someone and supports their loved one.
Also: it’s not for everyone... But if you understand its importance I recommend you don’t miss this opportunity.
PS: Finally I’m aware that this comment can attract a lot of hate and strong feelings.
But I won’t stop saying it: jealousy is a pest and has to be eradicated.
PPS: A child in shared custody doesn’t suffer because their dad also loves someone else. They suffer because their dad does not love their mom anymore and vice versa... If their parent truly loved the other parent and also loved someone else the child would be happy.
Don’t try to recruit monogamous folks into your polyamorous web if lies. To be honest even polyamorous community does not condone cheating. If you want to live such lifestyle you have to be a part of poly community.
@@spruceguitar Jealousy is not a "pest". It is a very natural, very valid and virtually universal emotion. Brené Brown defines and describes it beautifully. "Jealousy is when we fear losing a relationship or a valued part of a relationship that we already have." It goes far beyond romantic relationships and is more of a "cognitive evaluation in response to feeling anger, sadness, and/or fear." "In small doses and expressed appropriately, it's a normal part of HEALTHY relationships." Not feeling jealousy WHEN IT IS WARRANTED (or pretending not to feel jealousy) gives the message of indifference to the potential loss of a relationship.
Well said!
Never cheated in my life, and never will. It's deplorable in my eyes. Just leave the person if you want to be with someone else. Communication is paramount in any relationship
Agreed
exactly
its not that easy
Why is it deplorable if it's consensual?
***** Do not, I say DO NOT comment on a relationship video until you get to 30.
Husband of 23 years told me on New Years Day he cheated on me during the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays.
THE PAIN IS EXCRUCIATING!
It’s been almost 2 months now that I’ve known and I’ve been: suicidal, panic attacks, the deepest depression the deepest sadness, confusion, horror, absolute destruction. It has literally altered my entire existence.
There’s no excuse to hurt any human being like this. It’s now even more cemented in my mind why this is a sin and a commandment in the Bible. I’m not even sure I’m gonna make it through this. Deepest pain you will ever feel.
You’re feeling what men have been for years, women cheat a lot more than men, now we’re doing it back
Those that laugh obviously haven't been on the receiving end of an affair. It sure isn't funny. If you choose to fight for your marriage after it happens, you're in for the fight of your life and your relationship cannot be the same as it was.
And it's not worth it. Cheaters never change.
Or we laugh because it is a stupid pursuit to entwine yourself with another to a point you cannot see a life without them.
Meh, I was cheated on and stayed with her until she broke things off for unrelated reasons (very long personal story). I'm poly so the problem wasn't what she did, but that she didn't tell me.
It really depends on who you are, an experience is different for each person, and the same act can be a different experience based on changes to who you are, who they are, the circumstances, etc.
But it's kinda of a cultural thing in the Netherlands...
Groetjes
😆
@@coronaphone710 In what sense?
Looks like 90% of the comment section never watched to the end. She's doesn't have an agenda, nor is she normalizing infidelity, she is simply trying to explain the (all too common) behaviour and even providing a possible solution.
Agreed. She doesn't condone the act of infidelity yet all these comments are bashing her. -.-
It's like the christians of old age shouting blasphemy without listening to reason lol
I watched the entire video and it's still leftist bullshit.
I hadn't seen anyone actually bashing her. They are saying that even though this women is trying to explain why people cheat, it still doesn't mean we willl put up with it. And she's not asking us to put up with it. We're just saying we've heard what she has to say and it doesn't matter what explanation anyone has for infidelity, no one with good self asteem should tollerate it.
+Jessica Omura ok, my ex husband is a chronic cheater. I dumped him. he is better off with his new wife that he cheated on me with because she has low self esteem. along with his cheating he was dishonest, shady, and a pathological liar. I chose to leave him because I don't. need the bullshit in my life. I don't have. low self esteem to hold onto him for dear life as if he is some prize like his new wife thinks. so now he cheats on her. and she still hasn't dumped him. so staying with him wouldn't have proved that I have a better self esteem. it would have proved that I was pathetic and insecure.
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up stones
And cheating a bad person how it's like?
Doesn't matter it's a stone what is it worth, it's just a rock
A diamond is a stone
OMW! On point!
Stones are plentiful and can be used to kill people. If u disagree come try to kill me with diamonds
Crisis = Opportunity. Esther is so helpful in explaining how after infidelity, the old relationship is over. Either the partners split or they begin a new relationship by healing the wounds created by the affair which can ultimately be better than the old relationship.
There is no new relationship. And there should never be. A person who cheats never had enough brain matter to stay interested eventhough things arent novel and forbidden anymore.
Well certainly for you this is a no go under any circumstances. There are others however who've been able to use the infidelity as a catalyst for personal and couple change and growth. Their individual lives and their relationship have actually improved as the result of the crisis.@@baronhelmut2701
After cheating there is no Trust, the biggest fundament of any relationship, so NEVER can be better than the old relationship.
Helpful to who, cheaters? I personally don't like 💩 sandwiches.
This talk is an absolute masterpiece of communication, expertise, quality thinking and social studies.
Cheating boils down to morals. You either have enough empathy not to betray your partner or you don't. I've had plenty of opportunities to cheat but never have because I know how it would make me feel if I was cheated on. When I thought an ex was cheating, I just dumped her instead of using that as an excuse to go out and cheat myself. Staying loyal really isn't difficult.
We're on the same boat mate.
Wife, angrily, the moment you return home from a 6th straight day of working 11 hour days: “Why do you keep taking apart and moving my vacuum cleaner?” that she keeps leaving out, in the way of both the window shade and the weight bench. Email from girlfriend the day after being with her: “I’m still smiling from our time together yesterday.... 😁😁 What a beautiful, delightful, sensual, hot, joyful, wonderful day! I love spending time with you. Wheeee!!”
Where have you been I've been looking all over for you.
Interesting how comments like this calling out moral accountability have little likes compared to the other comments that are more or less validating / defending the act of cheating.
Just goes to show people prefer to live in denial and lack accountability to their actions.
Correct. Self respect …and loyalty towards yourself …and others.
Haven’t found a loyal man yet.
"Earlier they divorced because they were unhappy. Today people divorce because they could be happier"
True
Over It afganistan
What’s happening in afganistan
Kabul
Too much choices
People don’t have affairs in healthy loving relationships. ..
I cheated and so did my ex husband. I went for therapy as I didn’t want to lose my marraige. He refused to engage whatsoever..and continued to blame me for ruining his life. After 3yrs of deep healing I started to feel better about myself, while he got worse…I couldn’t take being around him anymore so I left…I now live happily alone
And just like that. I found my favourite Ted talk of all time. I am seeing this talk as relating to any unhealthy pattern/addiction (not just affairs)
The love for yourself has to be stronger then the desire to be loved by someone else . Make sure your showing up for you first 🥇
In other words: Don't care about your partner, just cheat if you feel like it.
Showing up for you first makes love for another impossible. Love is not an emotion. It's an action; sacrifice of self interest to another. Self love is new age woo woo speak for narcissism.
@@zufex2029 Pretty much. Self love is just narcissism under different terminology. Love isn't a feeling. It's an action. There can be no love where there is no sacrifice. All these faux spiritualists give ridiculous advice.
@@peaknonsense2041 what good are u for someone if you can't even be good for yourself ?
@@peaknonsense2041 love is a thought then a feeling then a action . Trinity is a real thing
I have cheated and have been cheated on. Let me tell you.. you can see it in the eyes. Even after reconciliation it's still there.. the loss of trust. Save yourselves continued grief.. kiss and walk away.
obsolete professor agreed. It will be thrown in your face. I’ve been on both ends.
I dunno, we're still going after 20 years, so...
Plen122 never thrown in your face during argument? I’m happy for you, definitely doing something right. Here’s to 20 more.
Não I've been cheated on by my boyfriend of 4years and I legit think I've got ptsd from it... He told me about it but I could feel something was wrong, I knew something wasn't right so I pressured him and he told me what he had done. Now, after 2years I still can't rest. I have nightmares about it, when he says he's gotta tell me something and to not be mad my heart Immediately starts to race and I start to sweat like crazy.. I feel bad at the same time because I cannot seem to forget, it just scared me forever
@@yyyyyy427 if a man cheats on me my love for him dies.
This is seriously one of the BEST TED Talk. Thank you Esther.
A sensible man can handle not being fully loved (adored) by the woman he loves but not being disrespected.
🍻
Respected. A MAN. Earns it everyday he goes to Work. When it s Hot. When it s Cold& Rainy. When you Love Her. When you Love your children. When you do everything right and then that is not even enough. After 13 years I left walking hutch hiking 2,000 miles to get AWAY. Started a new Life. Wanted her back. Called her young duck answered. So I finally Tore up Her picture 36 years ago we haven’t talked at All. I live. Hate her. I never. Remarried. Why. DisRespect. She was A Cocaine addict. I really didn’t know she hid it and her parents hid it and everybody hid it from me. WHY. What did I do to get that it what did my children do. Oh I found out. Her very own family Sexaully Abused Her when she was a kid. She never had a. Oragasm with me for over two years the first time she Did I asked her what happened and she told me I thought to myself. All those times I wasn’t pleasing her. I was pleasing myself. In 13 years I pleased her a couple of times. But I always told her I loved her and I did love her. But she loved cocaine more than me or her very own kids
What rubbish.
I agree with that. My ex. Girlfriend done 20 years in navy. And I had been in Live with her for years and years but when she disrespected ME. Three times I told her to never ever call me again. Even though it really hurt and I mean hurt as long as she has known me she basically called me a liar. Okay I served my country just like her. I never ever disrespected her. End of it I loved this women. 45 years that’s a long time
Respected?
Is there a wife who respects her husband???
The only explanation for infidelity is "selfishness". I have been cheated by my wife, meanwhile me ( a man) have rejected ALL the opportunities to cheat on her. Do you want multiple partners throughout your life? Then, do not get married, period!!!!! Simple solution! Do not play with the emotions and life of another human being! Don't need an expert to come up with this solution. And this is the solution for both sides....Very good presentation by the way....
Good point. Get single and stay single and don’t deceive yourself and others.
I think you missed the point of this video. It’s not necessarily black and white. Not everyone simply cheats because they want more than one partner. She even said that there are people who have been married for decades and then one day it happens.
Exactly! if people know they can’t commit they shouldn’t date people who are monogamous. Be in open relationships, some people just want their cake and eat it too.
I don't think people get married with the intention of cheating. They get married when they're young and dumb.
💯
" the kiss that you imagine giving can be as powerful and enchanting as hours of actual lovemaking"..... that was powerful. Thank you for that Esther.
@@stevearcher6100 anyone who is in touch with their emotional selves can relate to that. Truly being in touch with one’s emotions isn’t just reserved for the ladies alone.
It does take a man who is secure in his masculinity to travel to that depth.
@@stevearcher6100 You lack perspective.
That statement has the absolute truth at it's core. The mind is forever young !
*Translation:* “Live in the fantasies in your head rather the reality before you.” That’s bad advice all around. This New Age nonsense continues to lead people towards their own demise! 🤦♂️🙄
Citizen Four: Seems like most of us have fantasies or dreams and "tapping into our emotional selves" part of the time and other times we relate to the physical world. I was trying to unravel what you said, "New Age nonsense continues to lead people towards their own demise"?
Great talk.
As with many things that are very emotional, it’s difficult to discuss rationally.
There are as many people who have lucked into fully satisfying relationships who feel free to judge others who stray from imperfect ones, as there are people who never thought they would and yet get hit by the lightning of passion one day and cannot reconcile their values with their behavior.
Is “helpless nearly irresistible passion” a thing? We both hope for this and fear that it’s true, don’t we? The majority of us perhaps haven’t experienced it. We know that nigh-irresistible hunger and thirst are things, so what of the starving heart (or loins, or imagination)?
Love to all. ❤
Affairs will kill trust.. without trust there is no relationship be it romantic/ business/ friendship/ ect. Integrity should be the core of any relationship
“Infidelity shatters the grand ambition of love” 👏🏻
Not really
That’s your takeaway... haha
Darinadler1 on Instagram carries out phone data retrieval passcode and password surveillance on infidelity
Cheating happens because we are all a bunch of selfish assholes...like she said...we feel entitled to our desires and to do whatever we want no matter the consequence.
That and not enough communication between partners. Having an existential crisis? Talk to your fucking partner. Don't feel sexy anymore? Talk to your fucking partner.
People forget why they got into a relationship in the first place. SUPPORT!
+James Cav Do you think Natural Selection is hampered by the rites of marriage ?
Johmathan .B. Swift I think Natural Selection is hampered by many other factors...I personally believe marriage is good for society
James Cav Yes ,natural selection has been hampered by other factors too, that's true . Do you think the intake of foods in the development of the human species has any correlation with the bond between a man and a women ? Just asking . Also, have you ever read Thorstein Velben's The Barbarian Status of Women ?
Johmathan .B. Swift I do not know whether or not the intake of foods has any correlation with the bond between a man and a woman...do you say this because men and women have different eating habits? I wouldn't be surprised if what we were eating had an affect though and I also have not read that? What exactly are you getting at?
An incredibly articulate talk. So full of conviction
I struggle with this wanderlust concept when my partner tells me it's okay that he flirts with girls infront of me, and then tells me my jealousy is my own issue. I never know if I really am reacting badly or if he is manipulating me.
I understand the need for connection being the reason some people are unfaithful, I just wish both parties would be self aware enough to understand that
It sounds like he's minimizing and neglecting your own emotional needs
Flirting in front of you is wrong, disrespectful.
Its a trait of Narcissism. The blaming of you for it is likely Malignant Narc’. Does he show any other behaviors that would fall under this label?
Some people are naturally flirty. HOWEVER, him saying that this is a YOU problem without discussing it with you or taking your feelings into consideration is at best very selfish, at worst extremely manipulative, and definitely toxic-
I wasted 16 years "wishing" my ex husband did things differently and wanted him to understand how his actions made me feel. He never did. Life is short. Find a partner that respects you and doesn't turn things around and make you question yourself. You will thank your future self. Hugs.
My marriage is ending because my spouse is a repeat offender. He is also a covert, passive-aggressive narcissist and a frustrated closeted bisexual. I cannot have my health or sanity compromised any longer.
I love what Esther offers here, very profound hypotheses and food for thought. But it takes 2 adults to make it happen. If there's only 1 adult in the room, there's simply no point in trying.
I hope that everything turns out well for you
You .... be and stay strong. You will make it .
Look up Andrew Wommack's A Better Way To Pray and Within Heaven's Gates by Rebecca Springer 😇
She did say that not all relationships would make it. And that those relationships that end after an affair we’re already dying on the vine. Wishing you the best.
Sounds like we were married to the same guy..
"Today monogamy is one person at a time" this will be my quote of the week
sigh.... so true,call me old fashioned but I think this is kinda awful
***** I feel you
My friend going out and in like it was nothing,change every so often when they dont get the 'feel' anymore , I was like,whut?
I feel so out of place, there was a time when a certain someone ask me out but I decline,not because I dont like him but because he have so many ex,and doesn't seems ,you know 'serious' when he ask me, but then he was like "heh,but you dont have anyone you like right? So why not going out with me for now?"
Relationship feels like a game these days
Nah,might be just me overthinking it
Its an opinion of someone who succumbed to failure and has logically justified it
+Yukino Takada 雪乃 鷹だ And 'then' you have the people that decline when being asked out because they've never been in a relationship before.
TheUKNutter each their own I guess
+Yukino Takada 雪乃 鷹だ No it's true, see it for yourself
Love the subtle way she discusses cheating! Very smart analysis!