Summary: 1. Use Anything but anger- when your upset, sit down, take a deep breath, and think about what’s really going on. Use any other emotion(s) but anger. 2. Raising the bar- challenge yourself to be helpful when your partner is having a bad day. Don’t engage in conflict. 3. Use “I would love it if...” statements, instead of blaming or criticizing one another. Ex. Rather than “You never wash the dishes!” Say “I would really love it if you could wash the dishes next round.” Hope these work 🤞
I\'m not sure but ,if anyone else needs to find out about how do i save my marriage try Bablim Relationship Booster ( search on google ) ? Ive heard some decent things about it and my neighbor got amazing success with it.
And if these don’t work, GET OUT. My ex boyfriend didn’t care if I was hurt, WOULD NOT change if I was sad. I took the high road, the high road, always the high road. Used all sorts of “I would love it if...” phrases. It was an abusive relationship. Don’t let being a “good person,” and forgiving person blind you from reality.
YES!!! So much yes! I was upset she did not explain that deeper. People need to be "Evenly yoked". If the other doesn't put the same amount of work in? Eventually that is TORTURE. Some partners don't want/care/ and ENJOY tormenting the other person in the relationship!
Exactly!!!! I remember my "ex-boyfriend" (not really since looking back at it, now that I found my true love and soulmate, that wasn't even a real relationship) he would just bet extremely passed out of nowhere and just insult me and criticize me and when I would try to stay calm and tell him that's not nice to hear he wouldn't care at all and make me feel so hurt and flawed and just like I deserve to get yelled at and insulted Thank God my future husband is the kind to NEVER EVER use insults or ever even get angry!
Why should one person do all the compromising? If even talking about what ine needs from the other and there are no changes what's the point. If I hurt and the hurt doesn't care then it's best to say I tried my best and now it's time to leave and find someone who will treat you right.
@@Veeena sounds like you had a one sided relationship. Guessing you’ll ensure the rest go the same way as you seem to imply it only took one to Tango. I mean, your right, you’re always right. Fly high little butterfly.
Exactly, such things work out only if its just simple arguments. But if it's abuse then these aren't going to work. No one should return flowers for an abuse.
Good advice she is right, I met my husband in high school 45 years ago...we became good friends and later on once we got married we became a "TEAM" we still maintained our lives, weeded out a few toxic people and we have been married for 33 years...that is key to any relationship and a promising future together.
many ted talks have this polished smugness to them. she's standing up their with notes and its not polished but she's making some really good points. down to earth
Kudos for the video content! Apologies for butting in, I would appreciate your initial thoughts. Have you thought about - Mahorrla Parting Outlive Method (should be on google have a look)? It is a good one of a kind guide for learning how to bring back a relationship minus the hard work. Ive heard some super things about it and my best friend Jordan at very last got great results with it. ✅
I heard someone say one time that to give a Ted talk, you have to submit what you’ll say beforehand and that it has to be approved, and you HAVE to say it word for word once you give it or else... something, I’m not sure lol. But yeah if that’s true it would be so difficult for me to memorize a speech!
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I learned a new definition of anger from this video: Anger is the cover up of hurt which makes a person feel vulnerable, and vulnerable makes us feel powerless, and no one wants to feel powerless. This statement will make you rethink the expression of your feelings.
That's great! You learned something today! I would like add more onto that. Anger is actually a secondary emotion (like a defense mechanism). So when one is Angry there actually an another emotion that that person is feeling. It could be hurt, sadness, the feeling that no one understands that person etc.
We’ve Been married 33 years, fight for your marriage because , at the end of the day nothing else will matter. Material things are good but can’t maintain lasting happiness or can not bring joy! Divorce brings extreme pain, sorrow, retreat, emptiness and lasting scars in your life. When I was 28 I almost left my wife over a crazy stuff. I got in my car and drove off angry and upset . and I heard the voice of God say to me “what about me Jamie.. you made a vow to not only her, but me, is there anything too hard for me to do or fix ?” I turned the car around and went back to her. Now we are still in love 33 years later. There is nothing else in the world worth destroying your home❤️
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“Anger’s the bodyguard of emotion.” Wohw! Talk about resonating. I love the ABA tip and the “I would love it if...” statement (instead of the outdated, “I feel... when you...”) This is helpful and I can put this into action today without overthinking it. Thank you.
I separated from me so for 1 year. When we talked about reuniting I told him what I needed from him. Every so often I have to remind him because he is a normal man. I see all his effort and when I'm stressed he helps me calm down. He has also opened up to me when he is stressed and I help as much as I can. We have been back together for 2 years and we are happy.
Wow, just wow. This video by Susan, a social worker and couples counselor, is hands down one of the most insightful and practical resources I've come across. In just a few minutes, she breaks down the key ingredients that make a relationship happy and fulfilling. And the best part? She offers three simple tools that anyone can use to make their relationship stronger and more resilient. I highly recommend this video to anyone who wants to improve their relationship skills. Trust me, you won't regret it!
This has resonated on so many levels with me. I have been and am guilty of some of these in my relationship but also supports things I’ve been longing for and wanting.
When you start watching this video, you think God this has gotta be the lousiest TED talk every, this woman is reading notes. But then you realise she's giving very practical, easy to initiate step, which are well referenced. But I think this is one of the most applicable TED talks I have seen but its a shame it will not make the number just because it is not flamboyant enough. Don't look at the tumbs down, its worth a watch
Anything but anger!!! YES, raise the bar - catch your honey pie in their moments of frustration and offer a cushion, YES" I would love it if... positive statements that bear no threat" YES. Susan, the use of acronyms and visuals is brilliant. Keeps all simple and compact to retain.
My parents are in a hard place right now, they are constantly angry at each other, fight about silly things, and be disappointed in each other. They are taking zero effort to work it out. So, my elder sister, my younger brother, and I took it on our hands to solve the issue. We cannot bear this any longer. I am watching these videos to prepare myself to talk to them about it and help them understand the problem and solve it. I really hope they can work it out. They cannot have a proper conversation or understand each other. Instead, they will just lash out at each other which always ends with either one or both of them being hurt. I am going to suggest these steps and hope it will work out. The talk was really useful for preparing myself, hope it will solve the issue too. I believe that if they follow these steps, they can understand each other better.
I have always wanted to how to make the family happy and strong because my family was not settled not until I met with Dr Wilson he gave me the greatest counseling experience of my life till today me and my family are very happy and the bond we have can never be broken big thanks to him.
So many people just think they're perfect as they are, not wanting to see how they're really are. My family is bonkers as well and, even though I am ready to become a better human being in my life, they don't want and so will probably just go crazy. I've tried a lot to get through but, sadly, it is what it is. Hope you got them to rekindle though.
Wishing you the best of luck! Remember though couples or parents can only work things out if they want to work on it. So perhaps ask the question first. Often others don't want to take advise either. That's why couples coaching or therapy could be the right place, because they don't give advise only guide them towards a goal. Wishing you so much luck and love!!
The crazy ball - omg when my husband’s pissed off, it’s like I absorb it. He takes it out on me (even if it’s about work or the kids or whatever) and when he does that, I accidentally pass it on to our daughter, who is only 6 by snapping at her the way he snaps at me. I can’t do that to our toddler sons but I can see it rising and I hate that I do this to our kids at all, especially our daughter. She is a phenomenal kid. And I’m so proud of her and feel so blessed to have her in general. Of course, she’s 6, smart, and doing her best to constantly do whatever she wants instead of what we ask of her as parents. Lol. But I shouldn’t let that rile me up so much. I can raise the bar and treat her better and I owe it to her and owe my kids that responsibility to set a better example.
brightpage1020 I just watched the video and am reading comments and I just wanted to say I hope you and your family are doing well bc times are hard right now and do know our energy is very strong and is very fluid 💕 intend out of love and happiness always
I needed to across this video. I was ready to file for divorce from a man who loves me dearly because I'm mad about life and taking it out him. Thank you for making me see. I need to make changes. And quit demanding him too.
Good upload. I shared this with my new relationship as we want to build a foundation of friendship first. I'm thinking of beginning therapy with her moving forward before problems can come up and become resolved. Still, having said that, my girlfriend and I have set up ground rules on how we communicate with one another (i.e. not shouting, not throwing things, having time away from one another to process how we feel, resolving things and not bringing it up again in the future, weaponizing things said in regular conversation and using it against your partner, etc.).
One of the reasons why daytime OR nighttime soap operas and romance novels are not part of my activities. Comparing your family members to non reality is destructive to relationships.
So true! If I watch something “sappy,” or a show like she was describing, I find myself getting resentful at my husband! It’s so easy to fall into compare mode, when you focus on fictional, unrealistic “relationships” on tv.
I am wondering abt Korean married life I watch their dreams everyman is like superman in a marriage helping women and caring pampering and al this is in a bloody paper marriage. 🙄 HOW
Knowing how to apologize and empathize is key. Battling with a partner who's ego is on higher priority than the relationship is guaranteed to fail even with these very helpful tips.
This video provides a great insight into how we can be better partners and take responsibility for our actions. It's a powerful reminder of how we can all be better people!
3 CARA MEMBUAT HUBUNGANMU SEHAT Dalam sebuah hubungan, sebagian besar kita, memikul beban kemarahan, kebencian, dan dendam, bahkan terhadap pasangan sendiri. Kian besar beban itu, kian mungkin kita merasa menjadi seorang korban dalam suatu hubungan. Konsekuensinya sangat familiar: kita menjadi lawan dalam sebuah perang yang tak akan pernah melahirkan pemenang. Perasaan menjadi korban dalam sebuah hubungan sulit untuk didamaikan. Sebab sulit untuk merevisi narasi dalam kepala kita dan mengakui kalau kau bagian dari suatu masalah. Kian tinggi stress seseorang, kian tidak bahagia ia dalam hubungan. Karena itu kita butuh 3 hal: 1. Apapun selain kemarahan 2. Menetapkan standa lebih tinggi dari sebelumnya 3. Ucapkan kalimat “Aku akan senang kalau …” Amarah laksana bodyguard emosional dari rasa sakit. Rasa sakit adalah perasaan yang terlampau suli tuntuk ditanggung. Kesakitan, terutama kesakitan erosional, membuat kita menjadi rentan, menjadi tidak berdaya. Tak ada satupun yang ingin menjadi tidak berdaya. Ketika amarah bekerja. De javu akan muncul berkali-kali di tengah sengit argumentasi. Lantas bagaimana? Kapanpun pasanganmu membuat kau sedih, ketimbang berkata dengan ofensif lebih berkata “aku merasa sedih” atau “aku merasa terluka” atau “aku merasa kecewa”. Dengan begitu peluang konversasi meningkat dan perdebatan menurun. Yang kedua, tingkatkan standar. Tatkala pasangan Anda marah, tantanglah diri sendiri untuk bertanya: “Apa yang bisa aku bantu?” Bersikaplah helpful, sabar, peduli, berwelas asih, berbaik hati. Seumpama: “Aku minta maaf karena kau marah, apa yang mengusik hatimu sangat penting bagiku.” Ini lebih penting daripada bilang: “Setang apa yang merasuki dirimu?” Kalimat kedua ini, hanya bikin bungkal alih-alih solutif. Ketiga, gunakanlah kalimat “aku akan senang kalau kau …” Ketimbang bilang “Kau tidak ada waktu buatku” lebih baik katkaan “Aku akan sangat senang bila kau meluangkan waktu denganku malam ini.” @tyologi
I tell couples that my definition of love is when the needs/well being of your partner rise to the level of your needs/well being and you would not do anything to intentionally hurt them.
We've been engaged for 2.5 years and absolutely need counseling but can't afford it. I hope this will help! I'm going to play it while we put together cubbies for the kitchen.
The best advice I can think of that I wish i'd thought of when young is to take an accredited basic psychology course. It will help you to understand yourself and what YOU need first, and also help you pick out those who are putting on an act - which most men and women do at first, and some can keep it up until after marriage a couple of years along the line. Still, there will be tells and a basic psychology course will help you spot important things you might otherwise not notice or may dismiss. It will also help you in many other areas of your life.
I certainly empathise with this wise elder for having her notes with her- being filmed, in front of an audience are a recipe for forgetting your lines! I’m also on the other side of 40 and my memory isn’t that great- this shouldn’t stop us from imparting our wisdom!
This is very motivational for me, especially right now, my fiance and I are having a really bad time together but I truly love her to the absolute maximum ❤, like this if you love your companion.
I was able to hack my husband’s phone messages and calls with the help of RYANSROOM617 on instagram or Call him to help you if you need Any hacking job +1 (303) 219‑8042
you're right my dear,I'm a single man a divorcee,i got divorced two years ago,my wife got pregnant for my friend which was heart broken,it took me months to regain back my self and moved own to continue my life,to be sincere you are the kind of woman i want in my life as a wife,you are so beautiful,we can keep in touch by knowing our self more...
These rules are so simple and easy, it is a shame we need this lady's advice. The final applause and the comment section do not contradict but prove this assessment.
Thanks for the Colorado Montrose marriage counseling and professional life counseling session with the family room marriage counselor. And better health with family.
I really loved this video. My fiance has borderline personality disorder, which after 3.5yrs together is wearing me down, I'm way past my breaking point. And what she said about what ruby said she did, is exactly what I've been trying to get from her. But always turns into a fight and it's always my fault. And sometimes it is. But absolutely not ALWAYS. And what she said at the end before showing jeff and ruby old together made me tear up, because this is EXACTLY what I've been trying to get from my partner.
@Euphora eup yeah I have really begun to notice this unfortunately. It is taking a toll on my mental health. Friends say I've changed. Used to be so much happier before her. She treats anyone better than me
Decide on a boundary - how much is too much for you? And stick to it. It will hurt to separate if push comes to shove but alas, as the lady in the video said, some relationships should not be.
Interesting, even if it’s not really couple advice, it can be used with any relationship, even friendship, parentschildren, or with collleagues. 1.Anything but anger 2.Raising the bar 3.I would love it if...
Yes, "Blame Game" is one of the worst things in relationship. Those who do that have one blind spot: to blame on the other party without looking at your own faults actually brings badness to your life (emotionally & practically) in many different ways.
She's a good therapist! Many mean very well but in actual couples therapy sessions they allow too much back and forth meanness to go on and on. If yours allows that and won't change their mediation style then change therapists!
Very good points. Exactly, what we do and by God's grace, it works. This works, when both realise, they need to support eachother and not when one realise i need to make up. And then, other thinks oh she/he is guilty, so it was her/his behaviour that spoils it all.
A good therapist should be able to spot a narcissist or a psychopath easily. I have fell for a couple of these crazies but it's so obvious from a distance to those around me.
This is good for relationships unless you’re married to a person with true narcissism. I’ve experienced this with my Ex.... if not careful, marriage counseling is dangerous for the victim of a narcissist b/c the victim is trying to fix the relationship while the narc uses it as another tool to hurt the victim.
Wow! This is such valuable advice. I questioned her using her notes at first though. I think her advice is so insightful and she has such a strong message. I'm so glad she shared it with everyone.
Amen, sister. I just ended a 2 year relationship. She is a textbook example of NPD. I just can't get over how long I allowed myself to live in denial. But after the 6th blowup, I said "Enough!". And I feel so much more powerful now. I knew I was always stronger than her pathology. And today I am MUCH healthier for moving on. The pain will slowly subside and I will once again be in my happy place.
Disclaimer: Be careful not to claim your partner is a narcissist (who only make up about .5 to 5% of the population) if you aren't sure. Could they be one? Yes, but it's far more likely that you're in a relationship with a normal person who just needs to do some work on themselves. Be cautious not to slap unfixable labels on your relationships to subconsciously create an excuse to not work on them.
I have always wanted to how to make the family happy and strong because my family was not settled not until I met with Dr Wilson he gave me the greatest counseling experience of my life till today me and my family are very happy and the bond we have can never be broken big thanks to him
First I would say we have to heal from our trauma and also be careful of who we chose to be with. It's not about looks and bonding time should be deeper than drinking and doing drugs there must be a different connection such as what we aspire to become, what our future will look like and if they have healthy relationships also plays a role
The "I would love it if..." statements just simply aren't that easy. Often we aren't really concerned so much with the other person being "willing" to do something we wanted them to do, we want them to "want to" do said thing. Saying "I would love it if you...", and them doing it from a sense of obligation, fixes nothing. Often times we want to be loved enough that others will want to...
After five years of marriage i found out the one thing that makes marriage difficult is financial struggle, its not like my husband and i aren’t making money it’s just we barely have time for each other and there’s no amusement or new event it’s just work and the kids and that was fine but i wanted more..then i heard of a financial advisor on the radio who basically makes money for me and right now i have close to 100grand with her in my portfolio. now we pay for our vacation without breaking a sweat or losing sleep
Glad you brought this up. I am older now. I like these cutesy videos, but the reality for myself and Everyone I have known is the family mechanics, and coping skills. It is nice to talk about feelings to enrich a relationship, but most problems I have seen are family mechanics that continuously erode a relationship. Sometimes the partner doesn't even know that they are doing it, nor how to change. I think there needs to be a alternative type of marriage counseling, addressing the family mechanics, finances, skills for compromise, fairness in decisions. Sometimes need a neutral third party evaluating the family situations, but when I have tried marital counseling, they don't want to do this. They seem exhausted and say "Ok, what is the real issue". Granted there may be deep rooted issues causing some of those problems, but if people are focused on improving their relationship, they sometimes need guidance on the mechanics of their lives.
you're right my dear,I'm a single man a divorcee,i got divorced two years ago,my wife got pregnant for my friend which was heart broken,it took me months to regain back my self and moved own to continue my life,to be sincere you are the kind of woman i want in my life as a wife,you are so beautiful,we can keep in touch by knowing our self more...
"Blame Game" is a clear sign of insecurity, selfishness, lack of self-awareness, or/and no desire for self-improvement which leads to long term bad relationships.
I don’t react in anger and I tell my husband how I am sad and hurt. And I explain why I am so hurt. Then I hear gas lighting and reasons and justifications. I usually end up holding in my feelings now because there are times where he flies into a rage. I told him “I would love it if...” and arguments were started because he heard something entirely negative. We are going through a separation.
Hey! someone else who is more powerful and provide a faster way to restore broken relationship helped me get back my ex without stress and delay, he can also help you too immediately.
It's not that anger is bad, but rather sinning in the anger. Unchecked anger leads to rash behaviors when someone has no one or no thing to go to that helps them calm down before making decions and taking actions. If there is not a big rush to save someone's life or something equally as urgent, please take a breather (a few hours at least) and calm down. My worst decisions were almost all in angry responses, some of which were justified but many weren't.
chevalierjld step 5... I’m sorry that’s the type of person you are with. Someone who says you’re too sensitive is judging whether your feelings are valid are not...that’s not supportive. While they maybe can’t see why you feel the way you do...the kind thing would be for them to ask you to tell them more, asking questions and validating your feelings. If they don’t, maybe move on to someone who will? They also might not be able to get through hurt from you, that you don’t see...it happens that we hurt and alienate without knowing sometimes. Dr Gottman has good tips too. Blessings...may you have the relationship you desire 🌸
I do all this three things...Still every one day out of three days I feel like if My marriage didn't happened that would be best..My husband is a very good man..We just do not have the best connection..
I need some advice: I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 6months. We're very happy, we rarely argue about small stuff, pretty normal. Lately, I don't know why, I feel something missing. I feel like I haven't done any "Me Time", spending time alone doing things I enjoy etc. I have too much things to do for school, friends want to hangout, my bf wants to see me, I want to have some time with my family. I come realize that I do see a lot my boyfriend, which is not a problem but...less my friends, family and for myself. We see each other on Mondays, Wednesdays and weekends. I like being alone. I've got used being alone since my birth. But my bf doesn't seem to get it. I've asked him to give me more personal space, but he kinda took it badly. He thinks I don't love him anymore. I'm frustrated. I feel that I only think of MYSELF when I'm supposed to think for the both of us, since we're in a relationship. I asked him to only meet on weekends so that I can focus on my studies and myself for the week days. He is my first boyfriend and I am his first girlfriend. We're 19. Please, tell me. What should I do?
I think maybe you should try just telling him that you love him but just want some time alone. Try to show that you love him, by saying how you feel etc. Kind of useless what I said, but I feel like that is the best option.
He’s probably insecure…but i think you can keep communication with him when you guys are not hanging out to let him know you love him…ask him to respect your space and time…if he loves you he will do that for you
What if you don’t feel good when you’re with your spouse for over 15 years. Your spouse is depressed for years. You feel great alone & with others. Is it my responsibility to “fix” and “take responsibility” at what point can I kindly step on a different path? What if you just know you don’t feel good with your spouse even on their good days.
I agree with the 3 points exactly and that some relationships need to die (ones founded on with lies/deception/abuse) if you do nothing nothing will change that’s guaranteed. Try these tips and I’m sure if it has any hope it will work. Look at yourself before your partner and then realize only you can control yourself!
Summary:
1. Use Anything but anger- when your upset, sit down, take a deep breath, and think about what’s really going on. Use any other emotion(s) but anger.
2. Raising the bar- challenge yourself to be helpful when your partner is having a bad day. Don’t engage in conflict.
3. Use “I would love it if...” statements, instead of blaming or criticizing one another. Ex. Rather than “You never wash the dishes!” Say “I would really love it if you could wash the dishes next round.”
Hope these work 🤞
Khanda Hussein that's bs I use those methods and since I say I would love if you , they never do
Thank you
Thank you!💖
I\'m not sure but ,if anyone else needs to find out about how do i save my marriage try Bablim Relationship Booster ( search on google ) ? Ive heard some decent things about it and my neighbor got amazing success with it.
I'm investigating improving your partnership and found a fantastic resource at Mirykal Marriage Plan (check it out on google)
And if these don’t work, GET OUT. My ex boyfriend didn’t care if I was hurt, WOULD NOT change if I was sad. I took the high road, the high road, always the high road. Used all sorts of “I would love it if...” phrases. It was an abusive relationship. Don’t let being a “good person,” and forgiving person blind you from reality.
YES!!! So much yes! I was upset she did not explain that deeper. People need to be "Evenly yoked". If the other doesn't put the same amount of work in? Eventually that is TORTURE. Some partners don't want/care/ and ENJOY tormenting the other person in the relationship!
Exactly!!!! I remember my "ex-boyfriend" (not really since looking back at it, now that I found my true love and soulmate, that wasn't even a real relationship) he would just bet extremely passed out of nowhere and just insult me and criticize me and when I would try to stay calm and tell him that's not nice to hear he wouldn't care at all and make me feel so hurt and flawed and just like I deserve to get yelled at and insulted
Thank God my future husband is the kind to NEVER EVER use insults or ever even get angry!
Why should one person do all the compromising? If even talking about what ine needs from the other and there are no changes what's the point. If I hurt and the hurt doesn't care then it's best to say I tried my best and now it's time to leave and find someone who will treat you right.
@@Veeena sounds like you had a one sided relationship.
Guessing you’ll ensure the rest go the same way as you seem to imply it only took one to Tango.
I mean, your right, you’re always right.
Fly high little butterfly.
Exactly, such things work out only if its just simple arguments. But if it's abuse then these aren't going to work. No one should return flowers for an abuse.
Good advice she is right, I met my husband in high school 45 years ago...we became good friends and later on once we got married we became a "TEAM" we still maintained our lives, weeded out a few toxic people and we have been married for 33 years...that is key to any relationship and a promising future together.
Great advice
many ted talks have this polished smugness to them. she's standing up their with notes and its not polished but she's making some really good points. down to earth
Yes, I noticed this. She's down to earth, yes needs notes, as most would. She's real and I learned from her.
Kudos for the video content! Apologies for butting in, I would appreciate your initial thoughts. Have you thought about - Mahorrla Parting Outlive Method (should be on google have a look)? It is a good one of a kind guide for learning how to bring back a relationship minus the hard work. Ive heard some super things about it and my best friend Jordan at very last got great results with it. ✅
Is there anything wrong with her reading notes?
I heard someone say one time that to give a Ted talk, you have to submit what you’ll say beforehand and that it has to be approved, and you HAVE to say it word for word once you give it or else... something, I’m not sure lol. But yeah if that’s true it would be so difficult for me to memorize a speech!
I was able to hack my husband’s phone messages and calls with the help of RYANSROOM617 on instagram or Call him to help you if you need Any hacking job +1 (303) 219‑8042
I learned a new definition of anger from this video: Anger is the cover up of hurt which makes a person feel vulnerable, and vulnerable makes us feel powerless, and no one wants to feel powerless. This statement will make you rethink the expression of your feelings.
That's great! You learned something today!
I would like add more onto that. Anger is actually a secondary emotion (like a defense mechanism). So when one is Angry there actually an another emotion that that person is feeling. It could be hurt, sadness, the feeling that no one understands that person etc.
We’ve Been married 33 years,
fight for your marriage because , at the end of the day nothing else will matter.
Material things are good but can’t maintain lasting happiness or can not bring joy!
Divorce brings extreme pain, sorrow, retreat, emptiness and lasting scars in your life.
When I was 28 I almost left my wife over a crazy stuff.
I got in my car and drove off angry and upset . and I heard the voice of God say to me “what about me Jamie.. you made a vow to not only her, but me, is there anything too hard for me to do or fix ?”
I turned the car around and went back to her.
Now we are still in love 33 years later.
There is nothing else in the world worth destroying your home❤️
Jamie adkin ❤️
But did she cheat? Cause I got cheated on and I'm in so much pain
Basically think we all don’t have to face all these deceit and lies from our spouse…
in a case of mine when i got sick and tired of all the lies and deceit i had to contact a friend of mine to
get me the Contact of one of the best hackers in the states. just contact him on VIA Instagram @westhack000
@@dixienormous49 I'm sorry you experienced that. Hopefully time will heal that wound.
What about a situation where u r frustrated by accusations of what u neva did from his fam? Every 2 weeks
“Anger’s the bodyguard of emotion.” Wohw! Talk about resonating. I love the ABA tip and the “I would love it if...” statement (instead of the outdated, “I feel... when you...”) This is helpful and I can put this into action today without overthinking it. Thank you.
I separated from me so for 1 year. When we talked about reuniting I told him what I needed from him. Every so often I have to remind him because he is a normal man. I see all his effort and when I'm stressed he helps me calm down. He has also opened up to me when he is stressed and I help as much as I can. We have been back together for 2 years and we are happy.
Wow, just wow. This video by Susan, a social worker and couples counselor, is hands down one of the most insightful and practical resources I've come across. In just a few minutes, she breaks down the key ingredients that make a relationship happy and fulfilling. And the best part? She offers three simple tools that anyone can use to make their relationship stronger and more resilient. I highly recommend this video to anyone who wants to improve their relationship skills. Trust me, you won't regret it!
This has resonated on so many levels with me. I have been and am guilty of some of these in my relationship but also supports things I’ve been longing for and wanting.
When you start watching this video, you think God this has gotta be the lousiest TED talk every, this woman is reading notes. But then you realise she's giving very practical, easy to initiate step, which are well referenced. But I think this is one of the most applicable TED talks I have seen but its a shame it will not make the number just because it is not flamboyant enough. Don't look at the tumbs down, its worth a watch
中文总结以及我的理解：
1. 保持平静，但你不开心的时候，坐下深呼吸，想一想到底发生了什么，暂停系统一，启动系统二
2. 对自己要求多一点，当伴侣今天不愉快的时候，试图理解并提供帮助，避免两个人同时心情糟糕
3. 通过表述心愿的方式影响对方
Anything but anger!!! YES, raise the bar - catch your honey pie in their moments of frustration and offer a cushion, YES" I would love it if... positive statements that bear no threat" YES. Susan, the use of acronyms and visuals is brilliant. Keeps all simple and compact to retain.
My parents are in a hard place right now, they are constantly angry at each other, fight about silly things, and be disappointed in each other. They are taking zero effort to work it out. So, my elder sister, my younger brother, and I took it on our hands to solve the issue. We cannot bear this any longer. I am watching these videos to prepare myself to talk to them about it and help them understand the problem and solve it. I really hope they can work it out. They cannot have a proper conversation or understand each other. Instead, they will just lash out at each other which always ends with either one or both of them being hurt. I am going to suggest these steps and hope it will work out. The talk was really useful for preparing myself, hope it will solve the issue too. I believe that if they follow these steps, they can understand each other better.
I have always wanted to how to make the family happy and strong because my family was not settled not until I met with Dr Wilson he gave me the greatest counseling experience of my life till today me and my family are very happy and the bond we have can never be broken big thanks to him.
You can contact him on WhatsApp in case you need his help +2348143593494
So many people just think they're perfect as they are, not wanting to see how they're really are. My family is bonkers as well and, even though I am ready to become a better human being in my life, they don't want and so will probably just go crazy. I've tried a lot to get through but, sadly, it is what it is. Hope you got them to rekindle though.
Wishing you the best of luck! Remember though couples or parents can only work things out if they want to work on it. So perhaps ask the question first. Often others don't want to take advise either. That's why couples coaching or therapy could be the right place, because they don't give advise only guide them towards a goal. Wishing you so much luck and love!!
Three kids is the hardest for parents, two kids are easier, four kids are easier, but not three
The crazy ball - omg when my husband’s pissed off, it’s like I absorb it. He takes it out on me (even if it’s about work or the kids or whatever) and when he does that, I accidentally pass it on to our daughter, who is only 6 by snapping at her the way he snaps at me. I can’t do that to our toddler sons but I can see it rising and I hate that I do this to our kids at all, especially our daughter. She is a phenomenal kid. And I’m so proud of her and feel so blessed to have her in general. Of course, she’s 6, smart, and doing her best to constantly do whatever she wants instead of what we ask of her as parents. Lol. But I shouldn’t let that rile me up so much. I can raise the bar and treat her better and I owe it to her and owe my kids that responsibility to set a better example.
brightpage1020 I just watched the video and am reading comments and I just wanted to say I hope you and your family are doing well bc times are hard right now and do know our energy is very strong and is very fluid 💕 intend out of love and happiness always
I love the suggested response @ 7:00 and need to practice that! Instead of letting my emotions take me to the crazy level.
I needed to across this video. I was ready to file for divorce from a man who loves me dearly because I'm mad about life and taking it out him. Thank you for making me see. I need to make changes. And quit demanding him too.
Good upload. I shared this with my new relationship as we want to build a foundation of friendship first. I'm thinking of beginning therapy with her moving forward before problems can come up and become resolved. Still, having said that, my girlfriend and I have set up ground rules on how we communicate with one another (i.e. not shouting, not throwing things, having time away from one another to process how we feel, resolving things and not bringing it up again in the future, weaponizing things said in regular conversation and using it against your partner, etc.).
Thank you for this I am trying to improve my parents relationship and send it to both off them❤❤
Thank you from a grateful son
Thank you, Susan L. Adler , for giving me much to think about. This was a very positive talk and I am grateful for what you imparted.
Extraordinary presentation. Every word you have spoken is so insightful, meaningful and helpful. Thank you for this amazing talk.
One of the reasons why daytime OR nighttime soap operas and romance novels are not part of my activities. Comparing your family members to non reality is destructive to relationships.
I agree, rule no. 4 turn off the TVif you want to stay happy
@No Name Agree, I call it antisocial media. It has destroyed the very fabric of society.
So true! If I watch something “sappy,” or a show like she was describing, I find myself getting resentful at my husband! It’s so easy to fall into compare mode, when you focus on fictional, unrealistic “relationships” on tv.
I am wondering abt Korean married life
I watch their dreams everyman is like superman in a marriage helping women and caring pampering and al this is in a bloody paper marriage. 🙄 HOW
"Comparison is the death of joy." - Mark Twain
feeling blessed that my husband and i have a healthy relationship. we apologize when needed and talk about our feelings :)
Knowing how to apologize and empathize is key. Battling with a partner who's ego is on higher priority than the relationship is guaranteed to fail even with these very helpful tips.
that is beautiful
Second step Taking the positive approach. Works fantatuc. Show empathy and how can I help?
This video provides a great insight into how we can be better partners and take responsibility for our actions. It's a powerful reminder of how we can all be better people!
3 CARA MEMBUAT HUBUNGANMU SEHAT
Dalam sebuah hubungan, sebagian besar kita, memikul beban kemarahan, kebencian, dan dendam, bahkan terhadap pasangan sendiri. Kian besar beban itu, kian mungkin kita merasa menjadi seorang korban dalam suatu hubungan. Konsekuensinya sangat familiar: kita menjadi lawan dalam sebuah perang yang tak akan pernah melahirkan pemenang.
Perasaan menjadi korban dalam sebuah hubungan sulit untuk didamaikan. Sebab sulit untuk merevisi narasi dalam kepala kita dan mengakui kalau kau bagian dari suatu masalah.
Kian tinggi stress seseorang, kian tidak bahagia ia dalam hubungan. Karena itu kita butuh 3 hal:
1. Apapun selain kemarahan
2. Menetapkan standa lebih tinggi dari sebelumnya
3. Ucapkan kalimat “Aku akan senang kalau …”
Amarah laksana bodyguard emosional dari rasa sakit. Rasa sakit adalah perasaan yang terlampau suli tuntuk ditanggung. Kesakitan, terutama kesakitan erosional, membuat kita menjadi rentan, menjadi tidak berdaya. Tak ada satupun yang ingin menjadi tidak berdaya.
Ketika amarah bekerja. De javu akan muncul berkali-kali di tengah sengit argumentasi.
Lantas bagaimana? Kapanpun pasanganmu membuat kau sedih, ketimbang berkata dengan ofensif lebih berkata “aku merasa sedih” atau “aku merasa terluka” atau “aku merasa kecewa”. Dengan begitu peluang konversasi meningkat dan perdebatan menurun.
Yang kedua, tingkatkan standar. Tatkala pasangan Anda marah, tantanglah diri sendiri untuk bertanya: “Apa yang bisa aku bantu?” Bersikaplah helpful, sabar, peduli, berwelas asih, berbaik hati.
Seumpama: “Aku minta maaf karena kau marah, apa yang mengusik hatimu sangat penting bagiku.” Ini lebih penting daripada bilang: “Setang apa yang merasuki dirimu?” Kalimat kedua ini, hanya bikin bungkal alih-alih solutif.
Ketiga, gunakanlah kalimat “aku akan senang kalau kau …” Ketimbang bilang “Kau tidak ada waktu buatku” lebih baik katkaan “Aku akan sangat senang bila kau meluangkan waktu denganku malam ini.”
@tyologi
I tell couples that my definition of love is when the needs/well being of your partner rise to the level of your needs/well being and you would not do anything to intentionally hurt them.
We've been engaged for 2.5 years and absolutely need counseling but can't afford it. I hope this will help! I'm going to play it while we put together cubbies for the kitchen.
Hi Rose,how are you....
You look interesting to talk to...
Can we be friends if you wouldn't mind
The best advice I can think of that I wish i'd thought of when young is to take an accredited basic psychology course. It will help you to understand yourself and what YOU need first, and also help you pick out those who are putting on an act - which most men and women do at first, and some can keep it up until after marriage a couple of years along the line. Still, there will be tells and a basic psychology course will help you spot important things you might otherwise not notice or may dismiss.
It will also help you in many other areas of your life.
I concur 🙇♂️
Thank you very much I have been thinking of doing this and I just might now because of your comment 😀
I certainly empathise with this wise elder for having her notes with her- being filmed, in front of an audience are a recipe for forgetting your lines! I’m also on the other side of 40 and my memory isn’t that great- this shouldn’t stop us from imparting our wisdom!
This is very motivational for me, especially right now, my fiance and I are having a really bad time together but I truly love her to the absolute maximum ❤, like this if you love your companion.
Every relationship shouldn't survive. Thank you, a good piece of advice!
Not in a relationship, but Im preparing😊😊
Me too 🙂
DONT DO IT! ITS A TRAP.
totally kidding. Good luck!
Y'all got this! Ted talks help me remind myself what I could lose if I give up on my so
Same
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❤❤❤ creativity is that dynamic mindset in which the individual refuses to settle for a stalemate🎉🎉🎉
Beautiful this is real genuine stuff thank you 🙏🏿
This was like taking a vitamin for my relationship space ❤️
you're right my dear,I'm a single man a divorcee,i got divorced two years ago,my wife got pregnant for my friend which was heart broken,it took me months to regain back my self and moved own to continue my life,to be sincere you are the kind of woman i want in my life as a wife,you are so beautiful,we can keep in touch by knowing our self more...
Hi Feona.
You look interesting to talk to...
Can we be friends if you wouldn't mind
“The hallmark of a good relationship is only when one person goes crazy at a time” 😝.
Hello Namesake
Lol
Great ! Love her way how she shows what common Problems are
These rules are so simple and easy, it is a shame we need this lady's advice. The final applause and the comment section do not contradict but prove this assessment.
Thanks for the Colorado Montrose marriage counseling and professional life counseling session with the family room marriage counselor. And better health with family.
I really loved this video. My fiance has borderline personality disorder, which after 3.5yrs together is wearing me down, I'm way past my breaking point. And what she said about what ruby said she did, is exactly what I've been trying to get from her. But always turns into a fight and it's always my fault. And sometimes it is. But absolutely not ALWAYS. And what she said at the end before showing jeff and ruby old together made me tear up, because this is EXACTLY what I've been trying to get from my partner.
@Euphora eup yeah I have really begun to notice this unfortunately. It is taking a toll on my mental health. Friends say I've changed. Used to be so much happier before her. She treats anyone better than me
How are you doing doobydude?
Decide on a boundary - how much is too much for you? And stick to it. It will hurt to separate if push comes to shove but alas, as the lady in the video said, some relationships should not be.
Interesting, even if it’s not really couple advice, it can be used with any relationship, even friendship, parentschildren, or with collleagues. 1.Anything but anger 2.Raising the bar 3.I would love it if...
Simply awesome, people like you help survive relationships
Yes, "Blame Game" is one of the worst things in relationship. Those who do that have one blind spot: to blame on the other party without looking at your own faults actually brings badness to your life (emotionally & practically) in many different ways.
Simple and basic stuff that make a difference. Awesome talk. Loved it
Glad to hear we are on the right track.
Thank you so much, I am going through AXACTLY what yu ate talking abut.
That's really going to help us out. 😊😊
You will need his assistance @WhatsApp +2348036239038
The way I ended up with this video as a suggestion was interesting, but I needed this video today more than I can express!!! Thank you so much
I strongly believe an open letter between couples solve many misunderstandings
Thank you Susan for the excellent advice.
She's a good therapist! Many mean very well but in actual couples therapy sessions they allow too much back and forth meanness to go on and on.
If yours allows that and won't change their mediation style then change therapists!
Very good points. Exactly, what we do and by God's grace, it works.
This works, when both realise, they need to support eachother and not when one realise i need to make up. And then, other thinks oh she/he is guilty, so it was her/his behaviour that spoils it all.
I really really needed this, my marriage is an exact replica of this situation. Thank You Susan!
Hi, how are you...
You look interesting to talk to...can we be friends ☺️
*90SpyTron* can really be of help to you
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I like that she says not all marriages are salvageable. Some counselors refuse to let you consider that option and I think it makes it worse.
A good therapist should be able to spot a narcissist or a psychopath easily. I have fell for a couple of these crazies but it's so obvious from a distance to those around me.
Hi Barbara...
You look interesting to talk to... can we be friends if you wouldn't mind
Thanks! Very helpful.
This was a game changer. Thank you!!
Came for the hair
Stayed for the talk 😌
This is good for relationships unless you’re married to a person with true narcissism. I’ve experienced this with my Ex.... if not careful, marriage counseling is dangerous for the victim of a narcissist b/c the victim is trying to fix the relationship while the narc uses it as another tool to hurt the victim.
Wow! This is such valuable advice. I questioned her using her notes at first though. I think her advice is so insightful and she has such a strong message. I'm so glad she shared it with everyone.
Thanks for sharing this lovely video.Hope many families can be saved by watching it because it is the children whom we should think about
that's true...
That's was an amazing comment kristie
Hello am Frank
Disclaimer: Not applicable for narcissistic partner
🔊 Louder!!!
Amen, sister. I just ended a 2 year relationship. She is a textbook example of NPD. I just can't get over how long I allowed myself to live in denial. But after the 6th blowup, I said "Enough!". And I feel so much more powerful now. I knew I was always stronger than her pathology. And today I am MUCH healthier for moving on. The pain will slowly subside and I will once again be in my happy place.
🙌
Disclaimer: Be careful not to claim your partner is a narcissist (who only make up about .5 to 5% of the population) if you aren't sure. Could they be one? Yes, but it's far more likely that you're in a relationship with a normal person who just needs to do some work on themselves. Be cautious not to slap unfixable labels on your relationships to subconsciously create an excuse to not work on them.
Except that sometimes the actual narcissist is the one calling the other person a narcissist.
This is a great marriage counseling message. Divorce has been an issue in today's world. What should we do to keep the family strong?
I have always wanted to how to make the family happy and strong because my family was not settled not until I met with Dr Wilson he gave me the greatest counseling experience of my life till today me and my family are very happy and the bond we have can never be broken big thanks to him
You can have his number in case you or anybody else need his help +2348143593494
First I would say we have to heal from our trauma and also be careful of who we chose to be with. It's not about looks and bonding time should be deeper than drinking and doing drugs there must be a different connection such as what we aspire to become, what our future will look like and if they have healthy relationships also plays a role
The "I would love it if..." statements just simply aren't that easy. Often we aren't really concerned so much with the other person being "willing" to do something we wanted them to do, we want them to "want to" do said thing. Saying "I would love it if you...", and them doing it from a sense of obligation, fixes nothing. Often times we want to be loved enough that others will want to...
How would one know if you we don't express our expectations and wishes? Nobody wants or likes the same thing
Nice presentation Susan, solid information old friend.
great advice. I would love it if you made more videos❤ nothing wrong with learning uncomfortable things
An excellent video. Must watch!
After five years of marriage i found out the one thing that makes marriage difficult is financial struggle, its not like my husband and i aren’t making money it’s just we barely have time for each other and there’s no amusement or new event it’s just work and the kids and that was fine but i wanted more..then i heard of a financial advisor on the radio who basically makes money for me and right now i have close to 100grand with her in my portfolio. now we pay for our vacation without breaking a sweat or losing sleep
wow impressive, if she is a woman i would like to get to her
i was literally just worried about the exact same thing. may i know your FA please it’s urgent?
@@vanhall9513 sure i get it hun. her name is Lucy Maria Koss, i googled her and reached out to her from her website. Goodluck with your wedding hun!
Glad you brought this up. I am older now. I like these cutesy videos, but the reality for myself and Everyone I have known is the family mechanics, and coping skills. It is nice to talk about feelings to enrich a relationship, but most problems I have seen are family mechanics that continuously erode a relationship. Sometimes the partner doesn't even know that they are doing it, nor how to change. I think there needs to be a alternative type of marriage counseling, addressing the family mechanics, finances, skills for compromise, fairness in decisions. Sometimes need a neutral third party evaluating the family situations, but when I have tried marital counseling, they don't want to do this. They seem exhausted and say "Ok, what is the real issue". Granted there may be deep rooted issues causing some of those problems, but if people are focused on improving their relationship, they sometimes need guidance on the mechanics of their lives.
An amazing set of goals to
Implement. Posting these on my fridge.
you're right my dear,I'm a single man a divorcee,i got divorced two years ago,my wife got pregnant for my friend which was heart broken,it took me months to regain back my self and moved own to continue my life,to be sincere you are the kind of woman i want in my life as a wife,you are so beautiful,we can keep in touch by knowing our self more...
You have to be a certain level of maturity to follow up with these steps.
So truuuue
Thanks very much
Thank you, your words are so helpful ❤️
Awesome.. Thank you..
Great points. Thanks a lot 😊
"Blame Game" is a clear sign of insecurity, selfishness, lack of self-awareness, or/and no desire for self-improvement which leads to long term bad relationships.
Love this, thanks 😍
She has amazing hair! Love this advice as well!
Hello Rinnie.
You look interesting to talk to... can we be friends, if you wouldn't mind
No anger,,,,better yourself,,,,,,,love MORE
Great advice !! Thank you for this talk .
I don’t react in anger and I tell my husband how I am sad and hurt. And I explain why I am so hurt. Then I hear gas lighting and reasons and justifications. I usually end up holding in my feelings now because there are times where he flies into a rage.
I told him “I would love it if...” and arguments were started because he heard something entirely negative.
We are going through a separation.
Hey! someone else who is more powerful and provide a faster way to restore broken relationship helped me get back my ex without stress and delay, he can also help you too immediately.
Thank you, this is really helping me a lot
It's not that anger is bad, but rather sinning in the anger. Unchecked anger leads to rash behaviors when someone has no one or no thing to go to that helps them calm down before making decions and taking actions.
If there is not a big rush to save someone's life or something equally as urgent, please take a breather (a few hours at least) and calm down. My worst decisions were almost all in angry responses, some of which were justified but many weren't.
When she said, “not every relationship should survive” I was like, “oh wow, she went there.” 😅
Really good tips... words are powerful!
Impressive and so true. That is what he has been asking me for years😃. I am so bad at it.
Thank you it was beautiful
It will definitely help me in my relationship
Step number 4, send that video to your partner.
Step number 4.5, get ready for your partner to tell you that you are being too sensitive and to shut up.
chevalierjld step 5... I’m sorry that’s the type of person you are with. Someone who says you’re too sensitive is judging whether your feelings are valid are not...that’s not supportive.
While they maybe can’t see why you feel the way you do...the kind thing would be for them to ask you to tell them more, asking questions and validating your feelings. If they don’t, maybe move on to someone who will?
They also might not be able to get through hurt from you, that you don’t see...it happens that we hurt and alienate without knowing sometimes.
Dr Gottman has good tips too.
Blessings...may you have the relationship you desire 🌸
My husband and I just watched it together and he really liked it. Its right to the point and has a good practical advice. Love always wins! :)
My very thought!
@@chevalierjd Haha! :)
So true
After all, RESPECT is everything 👏👏👍👍😍😇
I do all this three things...Still every one day out of three days I feel like if My marriage didn't happened that would be best..My husband is a very good man..We just do not have the best connection..
This is so insightful. Thank you for sharing
Thanks God I found this❤
Great advice, and easy to do -- thank you very much.
So true, Mark.
I love this video!
I need some advice:
I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 6months. We're very happy, we rarely argue about small stuff, pretty normal.
Lately, I don't know why, I feel something missing. I feel like I haven't done any "Me Time", spending time alone doing things I enjoy etc. I have too much things to do for school, friends want to hangout, my bf wants to see me, I want to have some time with my family. I come realize that I do see a lot my boyfriend, which is not a problem but...less my friends, family and for myself. We see each other on Mondays, Wednesdays and weekends.
I like being alone. I've got used being alone since my birth. But my bf doesn't seem to get it. I've asked him to give me more personal space, but he kinda took it badly. He thinks I don't love him anymore. I'm frustrated. I feel that I only think of MYSELF when I'm supposed to think for the both of us, since we're in a relationship. I asked him to only meet on weekends so that I can focus on my studies and myself for the week days. He is my first boyfriend and I am his first girlfriend. We're 19.
Please, tell me. What should I do?
I think maybe you should try just telling him that you love him but just want some time alone. Try to show that you love him, by saying how you feel etc. Kind of useless what I said, but I feel like that is the best option.
He’s probably insecure…but i think you can keep communication with him when you guys are not hanging out to let him know you love him…ask him to respect your space and time…if he loves you he will do that for you
i feel you, that's also my situation. what happened?
Thanks for ted it is amazing
What if you don’t feel good when you’re with your spouse for over 15 years. Your spouse is depressed for years. You feel great alone & with others. Is it my responsibility to “fix” and “take responsibility” at what point can I kindly step on a different path? What if you just know you don’t feel good with your spouse even on their good days.
Muse California ooo
Muse California y
Wow, you just described my marriage:/
I agree with the 3 points exactly and that some relationships need to die (ones founded on with lies/deception/abuse) if you do nothing nothing will change that’s guaranteed. Try these tips and I’m sure if it has any hope it will work. Look at yourself before your partner and then realize only you can control yourself!
So positive! Such a necessary message for people want to move beyond the belief that all relationships and marriages are toxic or bad!!
So good!
Don't play blame game 👍
Good info