Narcissism is so confusing, it’s like, they disrespect you, silent treatment, they ignore your boundaries, etc. Then you start acting out of character after months or years of the abuse, then you start reacting, yelling, say things you don’t mean, etc. then you end up feeling and thinking like you are the narcissist, no wonder this drives people crazy, you love them and stay trying to see if things will change, they only get worse and you get blamed for it all.
@@jeffreyvazquez4870 this sounds very familiar for both me and my hubby. These replies really helped too thank you- finally 3 years later we are back on track.
Then they accuse you of being that narcissist. A person can only take so much . If I kick you every day, but you don’t get upset and you don’t react eventually you’re going to get tired of that and react . If I get upset with you and the victim, then who actually has the problem well, that would be me.
The worst part of learning about narcissists is realizing you were groomed by narcissist parent to accept this kind of behaviour and then you landed in the arms of a spouse who treats you exactly the same or worse and now having to reprogram yourself entirely because you don’t even know what’s North anymore.
Yes! And it's natural to love your parent on top of it. Even starting over completely, internally and instinctively were going the opposite direction as our brains/emotional regulation already formed like an emotional disability.
Yes, the realization of grooming is the worst. It's even more horrifying when you realize a licensed therapist you were seeing for help in navigating narcissistic dynamics as an adult was responsible for grooming you all over again to accept that behavior after you finally began to set boundaries and recover from the initial parental grooming, and consequently now have to deprogram yourself all over again from the manipulation and gaslighting that retraumatized you. Not to mention processing the financial and emotional betrayal you experienced from someone you were paying to help you, who in reality took advantage of your vulnerability to emotionally abuse and exploit you.
Once you grabbed the stick and fight back after being poked the 40th time, they immediately called you the abuser, the ill-tempered, and then they told the whole world you are the crazy one.
Better not to fight them, just get them so bored with you that they go find someone else. They won't even know that in this way you are in control of the situation. They will just think you got to the catatonic stage and are done with you.
Mine would always say “you’re preventing us from having a working relationship” 😅 now I realize he is saying “you’re not letting me create the controlling relationship I want”
Yes!! My brother and SIL did the same thing. Their behaviors got so toxic that I began grey rocking them. My brother threw a fit and said his boundaries weren't being respected. 😂😂
@@PowerGurhl The good thing is that, when you saw one, you saw all of them. Indeed they all function the same. It has been very useful since my little narc and I parted ways. 😅🙏
Covert and passive aggressive abuse LOOKS and SEEMS like it wouldn't be as significantly harmful, but I would argue it's worse because it makes you doubt your judgment and sanity.
YES omg.. my mom has been abusive my entire life but its never been the "obvious" kinds of abuse. its neglect and she has no emotional regulation, shes always treated me like a friend instead of a daughter (which realllly messed me up in a lot of ways, like ik it doesnt sound bad but its like i never really had a mother. she never nurtured me, i was the one nurturing her). its so hard to articulate to ppl who havent been thru something similar, because ill say one off things my mom has done and ppl will dismiss it like im being overdramatic, but they dont know all the trauma that led up to that point that makes it a bigger deal... like its just so complicated, and most of my life is gone, blacked out because of the stress i was under. i really think i have cptsd but its hard to claim that when most ppl just think of abuse as physical and not phycological
@@unseenmoleeI’m in the same situation, and I definitely have CPTSD. Not being able to remember things feels awful 😣 Good luck in sorting out the situation she gave you, friend 💜💜
Narcissists are actually extremely delicate and artful in their manipulation. I know this because I would never fall for such a thing. And then I did. The love bombing draws you in, then there's the small thing you did wrong (or did you really? Well, who cares, you'll take one for the team). And over and over, pushing you away just enough to make you really fully believe if you could just find the right thing to say or do that it would be OK. And then you find that thing (inevitably, it's some relaxation of your boundaries), and you're rewarded like a puppy dog. Over time, the rewards are harder to get, but you fight harder for them. You actually want to believe that things are your fault, because if they are, then you actually have the power to make things better by changing. The aha moment for me was when I actually viscerally realized that when he said "I guess I can't trust you," what he actually meant had nothing to do with trust (which was very important to me.) What he meant was that I had done something he didn't like. "Trust" meant "trust you to please me at all times." Once I could detangle the self I imagined myself to be (trustworthy, honorable, loyal) from how he defined those words in relation to me, I could let go without tearing a hole in myself. I could be all those things and still leave the relationship. It's years of my life I'll never get back, but it's also proof of how insidious the manipulation can be. I can't believe how much of myself I gave up to someone whose only goal was to make me give up myself.
The way you explained this was perfect. It was exactly the same experience I had with my ex narcissistic partner. I was with him for 8 years until I realised nothing I could ever do would live up to his ideals and as you said every time you manage to do the thing they wanted they move the goal posts. He did that constantly. Until I left. He threw the usual insults the “you will never find anyone like me”, “no one will want you”. Then fell on his knees crying on his front lawn as I drove away. Then stalked me for months trying to win me back. Best decision I ever made was leaving.
I have already read your comment 3X and am thinking that I need to print it out, put it on my bathroom mirror, and read it multiple times a day for the next year. Thank you.
Thank you. I’m learning to set boundaries for the first time this year which is really hard for me. My friends keep giving me a hard time for not cutting off the toxic person, but that’s even more terrifying
I remember my ex going on about how terrible I was and I said “ it sounds like I’m terrible, perhaps you should part ways with someone like that”, he was dumbstruck. I left soon after.
Also obviously not personal, but just hearing someone says directly into the camera (especially a guy) 'I love you, I care about you, you are lovable' it is actually felt and some small part of what's broken inside gets healed. Thanks Jimmy
I was with a narcissist for 5 yrs..when I found out he was cheating and told him my boundaries, his response was "see, I knew you couldnt love me unconditionally". 😮
Same exact thing. In the beginning he picked a fight out of no where and went as far as kicking me out. The next day they claimed it was because everyone always abandons them had me feeling so much hurt and pain for them and I made a promise to them I'd never leave them and always love them unconditionally. That was a couple months in and it only lasted about a year and a half after that. Thank God they left me for someone else. As much pain as I stayed in during that time and even a year after without even having contact as much as I felt like I needed them and swore I would just die without them I'm so glad they left I never would have 😢😭
I'm so sorry this happened and the heartless response that you were given. Mine would tell me I was too emotional, always negative and annoying as hell. Hurt my feelings so bad.
Worst thing is going through all this as a child from a parent. You spend your formative years learning how to be the best for them. By that I mean being turned into a boundaryless doormat that gets abused and blamed for everything. Waking up in your 30s, finally realizing you were a victim and not the aggressor. That is a gut punch that shatters your world. Then spending the next decade trying to understand why they did it and trying to dodge the abuse. To starting your 40s and calling it a lost cause and feeling like a worthless failure who couldn't even be loved by a parent and thinking, "no wonder all my relationships went south". I wish people talked about this with me decades ago. Would have save me years of pain.
It's especially sad when you are in your mid 30s and you still try to connect with said parents but you still get the same treatments. I never earned my love but merely a breadcrumb of respect from them, randomly. My therapist says it sounds like playing the lottery with them cause they were so unpredictable and I never knew when I would get punished or rewarded. It's still like this and I'm still trying to have relationships with them. I still think they are also human even if they are treating me like this. 😢 Ofc this influences how our other relationships play out. At least now I have awareness over it and have agency. Growing up in that medium was horrendous and all I can say is I am surprised I survived. Hope everyone who grew up with npd parents can find a way of healing and self love. ❤
A boundary is not "stop yelling at me." Its saying "if you tell at me I will leave for 30 minutes." Then you do it. In that way you're the one who holds your boundaries, not relying on someone else to maintain them.
I did that recently with my narc mom. She was getting snarky and rude, so i told her i was going to walk away, and while I was outside, she manipulated my dad, who has mild dementia, into believing that I was yelling at her, that I was so mean to her, she's such a victim, etc. He got so angry and worked up that when I came back, he began yelling at me and calling me names. She looked at me and smiled. He hasn't spoken to me in weeks because of her.
4:55 “if you yell at me….” can be weaponized by the narcissist when they set up a bait/trap that has extremely painful or panic inducing impact in order to make the person to react, especially if narcissist knows that your pain reaction can involve crying/vocalizing loudly or speaking loudly from panicking…. They will label this as “yelling” & deem you “abusive”.
This. My ex knew all the hurtful things to do and say to make me get anxious moving and talking in a higher tone and then he was all chill saying I needed to calm down, I was hysterical and getting things out of proportion. He even used my PTSD against me by making sudden moves towards me while in a fight so I would do a hard movement or jump and accused me of being physically abusive. He messed with my head so much I didn't even realized I wasn't the abuser, but the abused, until I started going to therapy.
I have to work with someone like that sometimes. Luckily my "sentence" has pretty much run it's course. Unfortunately now a 19 year old (good kid) has taken that spot and isn't handling it well either. I feel for him, but I had to deal with it for many years and like I just said my " sentence" has pretty much run it's course. I tell the kid, be thankful you don't have to live with that. He agrees whole heartedly. Living with one is a nightmare. I've been there lived that hell. Forever changed. Wiser and stronger having gone through the fire.
@@tatiscolombiaI learned that’s a level of narcissistic behavior called toxic narcissism when they purposefully use what they know hurts you, against you. I’m so sorry that happened to you. I hope and pray you find and God sends you heathy, safe people.
Often they really don't. It's an act of desperation and limitation coming from own past trauma / experience of toxic relationships in upbringing. Nobody is born that way. Nobody in their right mind would want to be like that. It is a handicap that may be overcome. But only if it is seen how petty and useless the whole show is. Often there is too much support - just look at politicians: the more narcissistic, the more appealing and deceptive.
I think it depends on the person. I do not know if a full-on narcissist or sociopath ever feels badly for those they've hurt. I know my narcissist former step-dad and my half-sister (sired by him) never even seem to fully own up to the wrongs they've done: everything is always someone else's fault. "I wouldn't have physically attacked you if you hadn't p*ssed me off so much!" "There's nothing wrong with me! It's everyone else who's fkd up! I'm perfect!" These are things they have said. There has never been a moment (to my knowledge) where they have asked themselves "Why do these things keep happening to me? Am I the problem? What can I do to fix this?" I think most of us have asked ourselves "Am I the problem? How can I fix this?" At some point. It's in asking ourselves such questions that leads to personal growth amd development. But if a person thinks they're perfect and everyone else is the problem, they're never going to evolve. My "perfect" sister would shrug at such a statement "Pikachu never evolves. He's cute and he's perfect!" He's a temperamental cartoon character that's quick to electrocute anyone and everyone around him....but yeah, ofc he's cute af because he's an anime character. At any rate, the narcissists stunt themselves with their own delusion. When they open up and get vulnerable, it usually seems to be part of some trap (in my experience, at least, w narc family and also narcissist exes.) If they were to genuinely get real and vulnerable with themselves or someone else, they *could* change and evolve for the better. I'm not sure if they're afraid to get raw like that because they don't want to face their ugly behavior and it's ramifications. Like Shia LeBeauf(sp?) He "takes accountability" but he doesn't really. He opened up, getting raw and real with us.....but it was all a lie. His dad never harmed him or did any of that. Probably the real reason Shia was paying for his father's lifestyle; hush money "Go along with the Honeyboy narrative and you'll have a comfortable life." That's how these people roll. The biggest question is: Why are they like this? My sister and I grew up with the same parents, we were both the scapegoat with her father, our mom was also a victim....different trauma response wiring, maybe? Idk. But why is her father like this? He grew up in a lowkey affluent family, there was no trauma, he'd lived a good life and often bragged about his party boy years. He never outgrew the party boy; he only married a single mom (my mom) to show his parents "Look, I'm responsible now!" Because they wanted him to settle down and get serious, stop partying. Where's his trauma? Are they (my former step-dad and Shia's of the world) warped due to a lack of any real struggle?
D@@gypsywoman9140it's not only trauma that make people narcissist it's also selfishness and they do know what they're doing when it's selfishness being spoiled by Rich parents or something to that effect will also make you a narcissist
It's incredible how there are tons of studies, videos, books, podcasts, you name it...describing the situation that I'm in with the narc in my life...everything fits...there is ample proof that this is not in my head...that this is a real, unhealthy situation that I am engaged in and is making my life unbearable...yet I still feel like maybe I'm in the wrong...maybe I'm crazy...maybe I'm a bad person...maybe it's all my fault. I can objectively say this is real, yet I still feel like maybe I'm making this up.
Keep the receipts. Copy, record, screenshot, note down the occurrences, and prove it to yourself . This is therapeutic because if you can see it , you can no longer logically deny it. God bless you and give you wisdom
For 35yrs I have been in this position. I am finally ready to accept it is not me, not my responsibility, not my problem to fix. I have nothing left but the rest of my life. But I will be ok on the path of mental recovery.
I have blamed myself for anxiously responding to being stonewalled and over-communicating with the narcissist while being stonewalled. I told myself if they could understand or hear me. I wish I hadn't done that. It made me look and feel crazy, which in the end is what I think they wanted.
This is powerful and important to know. Setting boundaries with toxic or narcissistic people often brings conflict not because of the boundaries themselves, but because they challenge the other person's control.
Bulletpoints: 1. Punish you. Purposely doing things to hurt you. 2. Mocking, dismissing, and/or invalidating your boundary. 3. Claim you are being controlling. The key here is that they turn around the victim and offender roles. Suddenly you are abusive, when all you are saying is "I don't want to be abused". (Essential part of DARVO, maybe they follow it up with 5.) 4. Twist your words or gaslight. They listen to the boundary, maybe even agree, only to later cross it with no problem. If you call them out, they criticize you for not being specific enough or claim you never set this boundary in the first place. Could be that they misunderstood and cannot admit to being wrong, don't care, or that they are on a purposeful gaslighting campaign. 5. Play the victim. Either by openly claiming the boundary is unfair and is hurting them, or seamlessly transition into an unrelated story to invoke pity.
Yes the worse thing is that when your boundary has been crossed for the third time so you react angry then they say ‘I’m going to remove myself bye’ leaving you feeling like you’re the one who’s wrong 😂 you’re 100% right leave when you are poked with that stick or boundary crosses the first time. Anyone who crosses your boundary doesn’t care how how it makes you feel.
yup. I went through this with a "friend". Once I finally lashed out after being poked a thousand times she started ignoring me then when I asked her what was going on after MONTHS of her ignoring me, she said she was keeping a distance from me because I was toxic and wanted me to respect her boundaries. I said ok, and I apologized, but she NEVER apologized for all the wrong she did to me and acted like she was the victim because I yelled at her. From her other words and past actions, I realized she never really liked me and thought maybe she only kept me around because I give really good gifts or I can get her amazon packages from the door when she's not home (we are also neighbors). I'm still confused about what happened because I don't like to think of others as narcissists but the fact she kept gaslighting me, disregarding my feelings, and not even reflecting on her words or actions speaks volumes.
@@HurairaHerbalsthat's something I grew up with. Victim control dynamic - it happens a lot in groups. A NPD person will subtly poke and they know your triggers. When you react is when they play the victim card. And then the whole group sees the reaction but they didn't notice what triggered the reaction and everyone blames you 😢 took me years to learn how not to react anymore just to not get in that position anymore 😢
It got so bad that I thought my only way to get him to stop treating me so poorly was if I wore a camera on my body along with a camera facing me. That entire time I was thinking what it would take to get him to stop, such as the cameras, because I couldn't see the very simple fact.. I shouldn't have even been thinking that way to begin with.
I love how the control and dominance is explained. He actually used the words boundaries and limits when he wanted to control. For things that weren’t boundaries but explained my flaws. Kept telling me how I communicated so badly and didn’t take his feelings into account. Meanwhile family and friends were telling me uhhhh you didn’t say anything bad … they’re just hypersensitive even to imaginary things ! It’s never their fault …
Yes exactly! They are so insecure that they create perceived slights against themselves. You could point at a flower and say, "That's a pretty flower," and somehow you are insulting them, calling them hideous. But in the contrary, they will literally call you/me/ any of us every name in the book, insult us, find a flaw, no matter how many times you ask them to stop, and somehow we are the ones who are too sensitive or we are exaggerating. Narc Insecurities Projecting their own behaviors 101
My last boyfriend was a narcissist. I call him WBE: Worst Boyfriend Ever. I had never encountered this with any of my other relationships, so I got sucked right into his manipulations. But there was always a small part of me that kept saying, "This isn't right." I finally became apathetic: "Oh, you're mad at me. Again. Must be a day ending in 'y'." That's when he broke up with me. I still kick myself for not being the one to end the relationship at the first sign of trouble. I'm sadder but wiser now, and really appreciate people like Jimmy who are raising awareness about this toxic behavior.
But you did the exact right thing, making him leave you, so that he doesn't feel like he lost control and he need not take revenge. It was the safest. The time you needed to understand what he is can be chalked up as a useful learning experience. You will never fall for those tricks again and are just the richer for it.
@@SarahRenz59 same it was the first time I had a really bad relationship. I kept staying the same thing “this isn’t right, I have to leave” I said that for years. I would tell him you’re the first person who disrespects me, no one had treated me like this before. His response “oh you think you’re so fucking great!” …. Ummmm no but you did choose to be with me so I must be something goooood cus you’re all the bad 🥲😂
Don't kick yourself for it, that was the fastest way to get rid of him, if you would've been the one to leave, he would not have made it easy for you to stay away, the calls, the showing up where you are, calling you the worst things that are out there then being the sweetest/perfect person you always wanted. Well I hope you didn't get that.
Glad you said "toxic behaviour" because not all people with NPD are toxic. Some people with NPD or NPD tendencies really work hard on themselves. Some people grew up with NPD parents and learned such behaviours before learning they aren't healthy or useful. I'm sad that most comments see NPD people as bad and not their behaviours.
That isnt always realistic. What if the narc is your parent, or sibling, or child and you live in the same house? What if you are financialy dependant on them? Sometimes you either cant fully break off from them and sometimes you simply dont want to because despite their issues you still love them. Sometimes you need to find ways to both protect yourself whilst maintaining some level of contact. And that IS possible. I have a narc dad and I see him 4/5 times a years and those times are usualy fun because I know how to handle him and what not to talk about. I dont take things personal and I keep things shallow. And when I do that contact goes well enough that I doesnt cause me stress or less quality of life. He lives his life and I mine. But, not every narc is the same. There are different types of narcs. And some are far more harmless then others. There are narcs that are truly wel and deeply dangerous, or those that just refuse to leave you alone. My dad being content with 4/5 meetings a year is great for me as it allows me to have that balance. But not all narcs will be fine with such little contact. Its a case by case basis. But I will say, when in doubt and its possible for you to do, no contact is probably the best call.
I've had a long time friend who was a narcissist , only I fidnt recognize it for a long time. Eventually I had to go no contact and I saw all the backlash through another friend she chose to dump all of her toxicity towards me onto. This was all while she was simultaneously continuously crossing my boundaries of needing space and and love bombing me through the mail while slandering me to my other friend who had the clarity and loyalty to stand up for me and make me aware of what the narcissist was saying behind the scenes. I thank God that the narcissist friend is no longer in my life! I also thank God for my many healthy friendships and for giving me a friend who would fight in my corner! Keep up the powerful videos. Your insight is spot on!!
This is spot on! My husband of 22 years uses all of these techniques. I’m just now learning about covert narcissism and so many things are making sense now. This is more helpful than the marriage counseling and personal counseling which never made anything better. TY
Yes I'm in the thick of it right now. And boy is he the fake victim. I'm one up on him most of family members know. They are with me the battle goes on. Oh Jimmy I was told the other day I have mental issues. I'm beyond done oh the baiting. 😮😮
Yes!! My brother and SIL's behaviors got so toxic that it pushed me to get counseling. I was advised in 2021 to screenshot every text and upload them to a safe place and save every email. It seemed extreme, but I did it. I also greyrocked them which made them furious. I'm so thankful because in 2023, they had enough of my grey rocking and came at me via email with false accusations and manipulations. They were counting on the fact that I wouldn't remember what was said or what happened. I replied (and included the rest of the family who couldn't understand why I was keeping my distance) and attached a word document with timelines and all the screenshots of texts and emails. I haven't heard from them since other than a brief thank you text for sending my nephews a birthday gift. 😂
@@Ratgirl2So predictable. Let me know when you’re told “You need help”, “You need therapy!”. Sounds like he’s scared by your awareness already. Keep being strong and grey rocking (cool, calm respond vs react.) You got this!👍
@@Lisa-ee6tf Yes he told me our kids think I'm crazy. He's away he told me I'm heading home tonight I couldn't hold back my emotions waited until They where at it's peak and let his three family members here it he put it on speaker. It's sick I know I'm not crazy he got me again. 😵💫😵💫🫤🫤
Kinda funny you say that because I think my mom caught on and she never texts me anymore. Guess what, I don't talk to her or my mother inlaw without my husband by my side. Yall gonna behave today!!! Lol. But my mother inlaw acted one infront of him the other day and we were like, yeah, she needs to be medicated, when she left. What is it with the women over 60 that I know that are like this!!!
“You just don’t want peace”. “You get hurt too easily” “Were you always like this?” “You’re too much”. And pretending no harm was done minutes or hours after insults. It’s all toxic behavior.
Or "you're too sensitive" "You're making this more than it needs to be" "We're the same and you're a hypocrite" - if you're fighting for your voice to be heard and standing up for yourself, and your partner is dismissing and blaming you for your feelings, that's not the same thing and standing up for yourself and telling them it's not ok for them to treat you that way. There's no use in trying to get them to understand, when they don't actually care. It's a hard thing to realize for sure!
My mom always used to tell me how sensitive I was. Then one day I responded by saying “You know what mom? I’d rather be sensitive than in-sensitive like you.” Come to realize how sensitive SHE is and honestly, I’m just normal.
The one who claims to have raised me used to say: "You're too sensitive" "You're too emotional" "You're not a normal child" (in some ways, she's not wrong) "So, I'M the bad guy, huh...." "I'm your mother. You don't get privacy" And a whole host of other things, even now. I'M the one who needs help. I'M the one who can't function in life......sure, whatever. I graduated hs, she didn't. I graduated college, TWICE, she had to study for days to take a typing test. She thinks education is soooooo easy, yet she gave up her sophomore year.....
This happened to be, but not with my mom. Nobody in my life thinks I’m sensitive or emotional. I’m pretty calm like 90% of the time, so the sensitivity accusations used to drive me nuts. I felt so crazy. One day I realized how insane it was when I finally saw that the only person in my life who calls me sensitive is also the only person who calls me stupid, yells and cusses at me, tells me I’m not funny, and habitually ignores me. It’s not you. It’s them.
100% my mum. She is 87 and I’m 56 and through therapy I discovered she is a narcissist. Sorry is a word I have never heard her say and when i started to put boundaries in for the first time in my life, oh boy did she hit the rage and victim. Thank you Jimmy as always for validating our feelings and its the narcissist who is hurting us, not the other way around.
My story is the same. I knew something was wrong that my mother wasnt a calm warm mum but later i disovered she has narcististic traits. She is very critical she has a low level to enter flustration or anger she loves to compete with her own chlodren ans she has to win she was telling me all my life you are too sensitive so i was thinking there is something wrong with me. And on therapy im working hard to brake my People pleasing tendencies, to wake up my anger, to look for good side of my sensitivity, to be assertive, to communicate my needs and boundaries and few more... hard work to do ..But so important.
I heard a great saying recently "Inviting a toxic person back into your life is like drinking poison because you're thirsty". Loved that! With the holidays coming up, stay strong!
Stay strong, and there's so many other people out there that you could explore life with rather than someone who you've found to be a negative impact of your life.
@skachor ty. It's not so much that I want to talk to him again but I feel bad for blocking him knowing that he has no one. The blocking seems cruel to me but I need to remind myself to keep me safe first and foremost. Everyday it's always my empathy VS my safety fighting and it's exhausting. 😮💨
Oh, the constant zig-zag to find a tool that wins in the present moment... it's exhausting. Then i stop and think, dang, how much energy is this person putting in to crafting the illusion of me losing either way every. Single. Time.
@@miaqueen9578 It hurts. I fell in love with him - miss him? Well, I think I miss the fantasy 'him' which may even be in there. But what is the reality? For I choose to remember - that the person who emotionally hurts me - who cannot relate and is injured and seems to need to play games with me all the time, so i feel like the enemy so yes - I try harder, or get so frustrated etc... - thats the real actual person. He actually isn't the 'seldom seen' one I thought. I heard something once - it was that If I had to answer 'what do I love about him' that I wouldn't actually be able to articulate it. I found this to be true. I can't. Its my mind splitting the reality of the person in two. Forget closure. I am so much more myself now he isnt here. Its early days but I will never go back.
@@miaqueen9578 I do miss him, but mostly I miss the comfort of my home and the family unit. When we are apart I can be myself, and yet I still feel like a piece of me is missing.
Jimmy, Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am 15 months past a 3.5yr relationship with a narcissist. Every time I start to gaslight myself into, "maybe I was the problem" I see one of your videos and I feel so validated. Everything you talk about here was real for me. He pushed and pushed past every single boundary, never took any accountability, blamed me for the challenges in communication ( I am a very good communicator) gaslit, deflected. redirected and projected his own effed up toxic view of himself onto me. When that did not work he stonewalled. Dude pushed and poked until I lost it and got angry. The minute he figured out which buttons to push, he relentlessly pushed them. I was forced into hours long conversations. When I left the room he followed me until I left the house. MY house. The last 6 months we were together were beyond toxic. I aged 5 years in the last year we were together. I am still recovering.
Yes! He's always says I bring out the best in him... And I told him he brings out the worst of me... I've never been the type to get this angry ever... Until now... It's to the point where im disgusted when he says he loves me... Actions speak louder than words.... And in the words of the great Tina Turner "whats love got to do with it?" The poking analogy perfectly made sense to me! Thank you... Im tired of being poked... 😢
Thank you for explaining healthy boundaries. I legit don’t know what they are anymore. I gave my spouse one deal breaker boundary: don’t cheat on me. So he did it and walked out on our family. Then he said that if I truly loved him unconditionally, I’d allow him to keep me and the other woman.
I have had my problem go away for a month because he does what he wants. The best thing that has happened in a long time....... I have had peace and time to review our relationship . I understand who he is. Thank you for these videos.
just got diagnosed autistic 7 weeks ago. i find that almost all your advice translates pretty directly to 'how to communicate with neurotypical people'. ty. i might be 'borrowing' some of your content going forward.
My boundaries were 'exagerated', 'too hard to follow', 'cruel', I was 'frigid' 'traumatized' and 'complicated'. Luckily, I was able to leave (after many years) but the confusion and the damage left is something I'm still dealing with.
I think when in a relationship with a toxic narcissist you end up saying a lot of the things they have said. It’s become a confusing thing where you hear this and think you sound like a narcissist. But you got to remind yourself of things you went through with them that was illogical. The lack of trust, accusations, manipulations, lying about random things, gaslighting, breadcrumb, making the things they did for you bigger than what it was, even the possible physical violence you have gone through. You got to emotionally distant yourself ENOUGH to be ok with walking away and Blocking. Have zero ties if you can. Because we need to stop allowing access to us. Lets not this individual change us into someone we don’t like. Keep the vision you wanted for you life. ❤ one step at a time.
I just wept through this video because it rings so true for my experience. I am about seven months out and went no contact a few months ago. And I am just now starting to be able to read and understand without the fog that I was in. Slowly, I’m navigating my way out and I am so thankful to be out but the painful truth is I still miss them.
@ I hear your pain and thank you for sharing. The hurt around the hurt runs deep and can be a lot. Yet we must keep moving forward know we deserve better.
Once you fully realize that what you miss them for was all fake, you can break the spell. Look into "intermittent reinforcement", they got you addicted to their "nice" side by being unpredictable and thus getting you addicted to them. It's actually caused by body chemicals like dopamine and other hormones.
“I’m not going to let you sleep over anymore if you wake me up in the middle of the night when I have to go to work the next day for no real reason.” Oddly was the boundary battle line for years.
My abuser had me so gaslit for so long. I believed I was the crazy, inconsiderate, selfish jerk. But nope. It was him. I finally moved away (snuck away) one day after he left for work june of 2024. He has no idea where i am and me and his cat are living a better life!
I think everyone wishes they had seen this video sooner. I know i do…. I also know my future self will be grateful i saw it when i did. Thank you Jimmy
I recently tried this 'manifesting' lark, and found the whole 'embodying the perfect loving relationship ' exercise very interesting. Repeatedly running a film of it in my mind and REALLY feeling how that would feel, completely shifted how I felt. Soon after, my reaction to my now-ex was a simple "Nope" and I was gone.
Perfectly true. Who on earth wants to be with such a horrible human? Yes the moment you start respecting yourself, and being courageous to live on your own, you have so much power to make a better life for yourself. Be good and loving to only the right people, and NOT to the narc. "Do not give your pearls to swine least they trample on them and turn and tear you to pieces". Stand up for yourself and the narc can go fly a kite and vanish because there's NO LOSS loosing that horrible toxic mad human. And I do empathise for all the rebounds the narc will abuse just as much as the narc abused you.
Yes 100% it took me 15 yrs of bullshit before I realised they will never change, never be truly happy and never be truly content, never feel or give real love. They can never live a life without complications and manipulation. They can never be in a relationship and give love, respect, and empathy. I said to him, "This is not my problem anymore. I can't find a reason to love you anymore, I dont feel loved or respected from you. I'm ending it now, I'm done." He was actually flabbergasted, that made me smile. I had spent so long caring about you, your boundaries, whilst becoming a person I wasn't. It's been 2 yrs. I'm still learning about me and what I actually like. But I am who I want to be. I am happy. 😁❤️
Wonderful video My partnership of five years ended a month ago. When my true love decided to part ways with me, it truly is the only thing on my mind. I can't fathom my life with anyone else, and even though I've tried everything to get him back, it's all in vain. Despite my best efforts to put him out of my thoughts, I can't help but miss him and think about him all the time. I could not really tell you why I am saying this.
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
@@NarcissistHex-nf9eq yes I am leaving my narcissistic mother finally after almost 5 long decades of her abuse and not knowing what I was dealing w until I was 48 and I’ll be 50 in April. I’m fully aware and expecting all the things. Stalking, harassment, hovering, smear campaign etc these things are not new tho, she’s been doing this and more since birth. The only difference now is that I know who and what she is and she knows I know and I’m not afraid of her anymore. I actually think she has no idea what to expect from me because I’m so indifferent. So say some prayers, cuz on 11/11/2024, I’m walking away in silence w my head held high ❤️💯🤷🏻♀️🙏✌️🌹💪🫶
My daughter became a mom 3 years ago. We were all living together for the first year and a half. When she moved out she set boundaries for family fun and visits which sometimes meant we didn't see each other for weeks at a time- I understood we all lived together we needed a break. Then it kept on and she often cancelled last minute and often would not agree to making plans for a visit. I have to be fine with her boundaries and it's been happening for awhile and I'm starting to just accept and be happy with what I do have - focus on all the good things in life and live the serenity prayer. I did become depressed for awhile but all passes. Thanks for your channel it helped me a lot. I wondered at times if I was the narcissist. Thanks for clarification and making learning fun!
When I became a mum I started to reduce contact with my step mother from hell. I literally got anxious the second I saw her name on my phone screen. Because refusing to come somewhere (so she can suddenly separate me from other people and start emotionally abusing me and then return to them as normal and happy and be totally stunned and laugh at how tired I looked, there must be something wrong with me being so introverted and getting so tired for no reason at all) would make her rage. So it is easier to just get a migraine or break a finger (Yeah I have actually hit myself with a hammer just to get away from her and have a legit reason) to cancel last minute. When I finally got in no contact with her, she was like "well I guess I am a monster and never did anything right 😢" and when she realized that bullsht wont fly anymore, she went pale and started screaming at how terrible and ungrateful daughter I am. She probably tells everyone I am a narcissist who has weaponized a boundary against her and she is the victim who tries to be understanding to me being horrible. Just saying.
Lol UA-cam did not seem to let me post my long comment so Yeah in short This sounds like something my step mom from hell would write in comments after years of emotional abuse I endured from her I hope that you are different and just clumsy with your comment but damn my blood pressure went up from reading this.
These other people are really jumping the gun calling you a narcissist. You don't seem upset beyond being hurt that you don't see your daughter and grandchild as often as you did. The rest of these armchair psychs are confused and oversensitive in their responses.
10:33 if someone’s poking you…. I would scream at the person poking”… And under the perfect set-up, a narcissist or their enabler/s might only witness the “scream at the person” & the screamer would then be labeled as abusive. The really smart narcissists can come up with that sort of scenario…the really lucky narcissists luck into those scenarios & run with it.
This is insanely accurate. Especially the part about poking someone to their breaking point and eventually they snap back and act out of character. I finally found the courage to get a separation. Been a decade of this type of crazy-making and my mental, emotional, physical, and even spiritual health has suffered enough.
Best way to handle them is to go no contact and if that’s not possible : don’t tell them your plans, don’t ask them for help Or cooperation, don’t voluntarily interact with them and when they do (and they will) come up with some reason they need to speak to you, keep your responses short and not open ended.
Victim of narcissist: Don't p on my feet. Narcissist: It's raining. I'm not peeing. Victim of Narcissist: Rain isn't yellow. Narcissist: You're being controlling. Shouldn't I be free to p where I want. You are mistreating me. You don't treat your best friend like that. You're so selfish. The narrative as it goes ...
Thank you Jimmy: I could have used u years ago. I am so lost right now, but now I know what I am dealing with. Listening to you, I understand a lot more. Thank you.
This is so spot on. My brother and sister in law's behaviors got so toxic that I had to start grey rocking them at family gatherings. My brother (who is in his 40s) never asked "what's wrong? Are you ok?" He just threw tantrums and kept texting the rest of the family that I was ignoring him. When I made it clear I was done with the gaslighting and manipulation he said his boundaries weren’t being respected and I need therapy. It's ironic because he's the reason I decided to go to therapy and learned how to set boundaries with controlling people. 😂
This video reinforced my opinion of my guy. He disappears and forgets plans sometimes, but he really cares about me. Till date, he has always respected my every boundary and bent over backwards to make me comfortable. I'm soo lucky to have him. I guess I just overreacted. Thank you for showing me that I'm in the wrong. I'll apologise and send him lots of hugs.
With many of my family members, their favorite tactic was to go to opposite extremes to punish me for speaking up when I'm uncomfortable. I'm freezing cold, and I say so, they'll turn the thermostat up to stifling heat, wait for me to say something about that, and then use this to "prove" I can't be satisfied. I'm going to complain no matter what. It's too noisy, I can't think, and I ask for quiet while I'm trying to study for this important test. Well! Just because I temporarily needed quiet at that particular time, they'll launch into this lengthy, drawn out, resentful silent treatment. If I ever want the pleasure of their company and conversation again, I'm going to have to BEG them to speak to me! I feel suffocated because they're overhelping me, and I speak up about wanting to do it myself, then by jiminy, the next time I genuinely need help, they're going to let me fall flat on my face, and they'll be sure to throw it at me. "But I thought you said you could take care of yourself!" You get the picture.
It would probably start a fight, i wondered how they would react after saying "you made me do it" you ask " are you good with me having that much control over how you act?" 😮
An apology from a narcissist goes like this: I’m sorry IF I upset you. I was just reacting to what YOU said…. Apology from a healthy person: I’m sorry I hurt you.
I told my ex husband before we got married that I didn’t want to share details of my past with him, but I made a few boundaries on the topic. AS SOON as I gave him a small explanation, he immediately utilized that information against me. We were married 60 days and he immediately started gaslighting me and accusing me of setting him up for counseling 🤯 The worst part, his family took his side so to not damage their relationship with him.
OMG... My mom ticks off every single one of these behaviors... I never would have called it and it's funny because I thought I had a pretty decent sense of judgement and boundaries but something in my mind made me believe "it could never be her intentionally trying to manipulate and overstep,she says she only has my best interests at heart... Right? It has to be something I'm doing that's making things worse" I tried to change everything within my power to bring a semblance of peace to our relationship even taking us to therapy. Every effort I make is met with hostility or resistance and any good news I try to share is barely ever acknowledged... but if I bring this up... even in therapy, I'm making her out to be a villain. She doesn't have to tell me she loves me if her actions show it.... her words. God help me for saying that I don't feel like her actions show love at all and if that's the case, why do you tell my daughter that you love her? I just feel really sad knowing that she actually wants for there to either be discourse or submission or both in our relationship... I already don't get on with my dad... Same reasons... guess it was easier to realize what was happening when he acted that way. Sorry for rambling... Just felt reassuring to have someone break down what is actually happening.
The narc in our life is my sister-in-law. Fortunately, my husband has come to terms with the fact that we need to maintain "no contact" with his sister due to her refusal to apologize and take responsibility for her toxic behavior and the mess she made. This video is insightful and so spot on, thank you!
My ex of 8 years left me on valentines day for a mutual friend who was supposed to be the priest for our wedding. Wish I'd seen your videos sooner, probably would've avoided a lot of suffering. It's crazy how I didn't understand the behavior until seeing stuff like this.
This is ringing so many bells. The most toxic person I dated once provoked me to calling him a name, which I apologized for later. He was actually fine with it, even seemed pleased. I realized he was pleased to see me lose control. The time he was the angriest was when I told him he needed to own his behavior. The rage that came out then actually scared me. He would make grand, romantic gestures, and then do things to create distance, lose his temper, or accuse me of things I didn’t do. It was constant drama. My ex-husband was different. The needling was subtler. He was extremely passive-aggressive. I think that’s even worse, because if someone won’t even acknowledge their hostility or anger, it’s pure gaslighting. I was living with someone who was constantly trying to thwart me and pretending it was intended for my benefit. I’m so glad I got out!
My knees felt weak listening to you. You said so many of the same phrases of my ex it was uncomfortable. I left her 2 years ago after 3 broken trust ( 2 massive lies that were on the verge of manipulation that still have a negative impact on my life and 1 total disrespect of a boundary with gaslighting ) I then asked her to contact me again ONLY when she'll have grown as a person. She kept contacting me, and I stayed distant but still present for her reminding her to stop contacting me and only contact me when she'll have grown as a person. I had enough and said as a last message that she left me no choice but to block her number to force her to respect me. She left a voice mail playing the victim that blocking someone is not the right course of action and that I'm visibly still anger locked for doing such a thing. I had my flaws and I was a bad person in prior relationship, I grown and was ready for a good and stable relationship when I met her in my late 30. I guess this is my karma showing me and making me pay the price of what I did to others, and then some more.
I do appreciate all of this and I have now avoided 3 narcissistic relationships because I DID have one and seeing your videos confirmed what happened to me and I can see a narcissist in 3 conversations and I just walk away no matter how kind they seem or how much “chemistry” we seemed to have. So happy to love myself and not fall for this bullshit! Thank you.
I Iike your words! People don't understand why I'm not doing things against him after we broke up!! He already have done a Lot of damage! And also, i'm not like him. I just want to find myself again. People don't understand why I couldn't have more boudaries and defend myself .. it's SO difficult.. I fought back and now I'm the crazy one
This is with anyone, friend , spouse or parent. An elderly is harder to back off when your helping them and other other siblings dont. I'm so grateful for your help and caring. God bless you fI r all you do. ❤
Being with a narcissistic ended half my social circle. And ending the relationship ended the other half. I had to start from zero, but leaving that place was worth it. You can do it, Michael! You're strong and resilient
You just helped me make sense of the last 6 years of my life. Thank you for making me realize that I didn't do anything wrong by trying to maintain a healthy reasonable boundary with an unreasonable person.
I used to get (and still do as an ex) the "I wasn't aware it was a boundary when I did that" "you never said that" "if you had said something i would have never done that" when I know we've talked about it many times....
Thank you for your insight and clarity; you have been a guiding source of hope and a light at the end of the tunnel. I've been married for 20 years, and we never fought for the first 13 years; it was barely a heated discussion. Things suddenly became issues when he stayed out late into the am hours. Long story short, he left, we both had another short-term relationship in-between, then decided to try again, four kids in mind, and ever since, he's been exactly, in every single way, shape, or form, what you have described like you are watching my life. I was so confused, hurt, and ALWAYS to blame, and the guilt took me to the point of wanting to end my life, being told how awful and how bad of a person I was. I thought I might be insane, as much as I was told I was, along with many other choice words, until I saw one of your videos, and it has changed my life. I will forever be grateful for your time and efforts in all that you do. I especially love your shorts, the BAD ADVICE one, is my favorite😊God bless! ❤
Q: Why did the narcissist cross the road?
A: He thought it was a boundary!
best ever
@@NolaCaffey lol!!!!!!!!
😂
😂
Ha!
Narcissism is so confusing, it’s like, they disrespect you, silent treatment, they ignore your boundaries, etc. Then you start acting out of character after months or years of the abuse, then you start reacting, yelling, say things you don’t mean, etc. then you end up feeling and thinking like you are the narcissist, no wonder this drives people crazy, you love them and stay trying to see if things will change, they only get worse and you get blamed for it all.
@@jeffreyvazquez4870 yep 👍 nailed it. Short answer, walk away in silence with your head held high ❤️💪💯🙏🤷🏻♀️✌️😎
@jeffreyvazquez4870 yes! They will "rage-bait you and then when you finally "go off, they tell everyone, "See, I told you she was crazy!"
@@jeffreyvazquez4870 this sounds very familiar for both me and my hubby. These replies really helped too thank you- finally 3 years later we are back on track.
@@nicolehayes6020 as a self-aware diagnosed narcissist I wish I could have said something better than you, but that's pretty much it.
Then they accuse you of being that narcissist.
A person can only take so much .
If I kick you every day, but you don’t get upset and you don’t react eventually you’re going to get tired of that and react . If I get upset with you and the victim, then who actually has the problem well, that would be me.
The worst part of learning about narcissists is realizing you were groomed by narcissist parent to accept this kind of behaviour and then you landed in the arms of a spouse who treats you exactly the same or worse and now having to reprogram yourself entirely because you don’t even know what’s North anymore.
Yes! And it's natural to love your parent on top of it. Even starting over completely, internally and instinctively were going the opposite direction as our brains/emotional regulation already formed like an emotional disability.
Yes, the realization of grooming is the worst. It's even more horrifying when you realize a licensed therapist you were seeing for help in navigating narcissistic dynamics as an adult was responsible for grooming you all over again to accept that behavior after you finally began to set boundaries and recover from the initial parental grooming, and consequently now have to deprogram yourself all over again from the manipulation and gaslighting that retraumatized you. Not to mention processing the financial and emotional betrayal you experienced from someone you were paying to help you, who in reality took advantage of your vulnerability to emotionally abuse and exploit you.
That part infuriates me.
This is the truth!!! 💯
Took me way too long, and an awful relationship to realize where this stemmed from.
Once you grabbed the stick and fight back after being poked the 40th time, they immediately called you the abuser, the ill-tempered, and then they told the whole world you are the crazy one.
Amen! My narcissistic slammed my character to his entire family! The cruelty never ends!!
It's called "reverse abuse". Look it up, covert narcissists do that a lot
Better not to fight them, just get them so bored with you that they go find someone else. They won't even know that in this way you are in control of the situation. They will just think you got to the catatonic stage and are done with you.
Apparently I'm abusive because I left, or I've been told...
100%. Coincidentally, this is exactly what Palestine does to Israel. Israel fights back and then is painted the aggressor.
Mine would always say “you’re preventing us from having a working relationship” 😅 now I realize he is saying “you’re not letting me create the controlling relationship I want”
Yes!! My brother and SIL did the same thing. Their behaviors got so toxic that I began grey rocking them. My brother threw a fit and said his boundaries weren't being respected. 😂😂
😂❤ 💯 perfect narc translation 👌
Excuse me, have you been dating my ex ? 😂😂
@@salammbo6809 lol they really all so and sound the same!! 😭
@@PowerGurhl The good thing is that, when you saw one, you saw all of them. Indeed they all function the same. It has been very useful since my little narc and I parted ways. 😅🙏
Covert and passive aggressive abuse LOOKS and SEEMS like it wouldn't be as significantly harmful, but I would argue it's worse because it makes you doubt your judgment and sanity.
THIS! When you can't point at a certain thing like you called me a horrible thing or you hit me yet you know it's abuse and soooo slick and coercive 😔
YES omg.. my mom has been abusive my entire life but its never been the "obvious" kinds of abuse. its neglect and she has no emotional regulation, shes always treated me like a friend instead of a daughter (which realllly messed me up in a lot of ways, like ik it doesnt sound bad but its like i never really had a mother. she never nurtured me, i was the one nurturing her). its so hard to articulate to ppl who havent been thru something similar, because ill say one off things my mom has done and ppl will dismiss it like im being overdramatic, but they dont know all the trauma that led up to that point that makes it a bigger deal... like its just so complicated, and most of my life is gone, blacked out because of the stress i was under. i really think i have cptsd but its hard to claim that when most ppl just think of abuse as physical and not phycological
@@unseenmoleeI’m in the same situation, and I definitely have CPTSD. Not being able to remember things feels awful 😣 Good luck in sorting out the situation she gave you, friend 💜💜
Narcissists are actually extremely delicate and artful in their manipulation. I know this because I would never fall for such a thing. And then I did. The love bombing draws you in, then there's the small thing you did wrong (or did you really? Well, who cares, you'll take one for the team). And over and over, pushing you away just enough to make you really fully believe if you could just find the right thing to say or do that it would be OK. And then you find that thing (inevitably, it's some relaxation of your boundaries), and you're rewarded like a puppy dog. Over time, the rewards are harder to get, but you fight harder for them. You actually want to believe that things are your fault, because if they are, then you actually have the power to make things better by changing. The aha moment for me was when I actually viscerally realized that when he said "I guess I can't trust you," what he actually meant had nothing to do with trust (which was very important to me.) What he meant was that I had done something he didn't like. "Trust" meant "trust you to please me at all times." Once I could detangle the self I imagined myself to be (trustworthy, honorable, loyal) from how he defined those words in relation to me, I could let go without tearing a hole in myself. I could be all those things and still leave the relationship. It's years of my life I'll never get back, but it's also proof of how insidious the manipulation can be. I can't believe how much of myself I gave up to someone whose only goal was to make me give up myself.
The way you explained this was perfect. It was exactly the same experience I had with my ex narcissistic partner. I was with him for 8 years until I realised nothing I could ever do would live up to his ideals and as you said every time you manage to do the thing they wanted they move the goal posts. He did that constantly. Until I left. He threw the usual insults the “you will never find anyone like me”, “no one will want you”. Then fell on his knees crying on his front lawn as I drove away. Then stalked me for months trying to win me back. Best decision I ever made was leaving.
I have already read your comment 3X and am thinking that I need to print it out, put it on my bathroom mirror, and read it multiple times a day for the next year.
Thank you.
Yep, it's a cycle of:
1) love-bombing
2) abuse
3) gaslighting/guilting tripping/manipulation
4) repeat steps 1-4
Well said!
100%!!!! 💯
To all of you who are going through this, or went through this. You have nothing to be ashamed of. This isn't on you.
Thank you ❤ Holidays are a hard, but important, time to remember that!
But the work afterwards is. This is the hard part. And reversionary behavior like a sobriety date.
🕊 ✌️ ☮️ yes. Thank you.
It has nothing to do with you. You didn’t create it
Thank you. I’m learning to set boundaries for the first time this year which is really hard for me. My friends keep giving me a hard time for not cutting off the toxic person, but that’s even more terrifying
I wonder how many narcs watching this rn saying "Yea, you're right, I am the victim"
I'd bet probably 90% of the commenters complaining. 😂
Exactly! Fake victims versus REAL survivors 🙏❤️
They wouldn’t think this applied to them
A narcissistic person will push you because it was never about peace it's only about power
I remember my ex going on about how terrible I was and I said “ it sounds like I’m terrible, perhaps you should part ways with someone like that”, he was dumbstruck. I left soon after.
Lmfao. I did the same thing. Cue him crying for 2 hours in my apt and implying he might hurt himself. Woof.
@ yep, I know that routine too.
😂 Yep. Said much the same to mine: "if you think I'm damaged and playing the victim, you really should stay far, far away from me."
Also obviously not personal, but just hearing someone says directly into the camera (especially a guy) 'I love you, I care about you, you are lovable' it is actually felt and some small part of what's broken inside gets healed. Thanks Jimmy
Totally agreed
@@liambraithewaite6415 I know. I had the exact same response. It actually felt so good and reaffirming. I'm tearing up 😢
💯💯💯💯
I was with a narcissist for 5 yrs..when I found out he was cheating and told him my boundaries, his response was "see, I knew you couldnt love me unconditionally". 😮
That's when you tell them "Correct."
🤯
Same exact thing. In the beginning he picked a fight out of no where and went as far as kicking me out. The next day they claimed it was because everyone always abandons them had me feeling so much hurt and pain for them and I made a promise to them I'd never leave them and always love them unconditionally. That was a couple months in and it only lasted about a year and a half after that. Thank God they left me for someone else. As much pain as I stayed in during that time and even a year after without even having contact as much as I felt like I needed them and swore I would just die without them I'm so glad they left I never would have 😢😭
I'm so sorry this happened and the heartless response that you were given. Mine would tell me I was too emotional, always negative and annoying as hell. Hurt my feelings so bad.
They are sooo sick in the head ..
Worst thing is going through all this as a child from a parent. You spend your formative years learning how to be the best for them. By that I mean being turned into a boundaryless doormat that gets abused and blamed for everything. Waking up in your 30s, finally realizing you were a victim and not the aggressor. That is a gut punch that shatters your world. Then spending the next decade trying to understand why they did it and trying to dodge the abuse. To starting your 40s and calling it a lost cause and feeling like a worthless failure who couldn't even be loved by a parent and thinking, "no wonder all my relationships went south". I wish people talked about this with me decades ago. Would have save me years of pain.
@@an81angel I really can’t imagine. And I’m truly sorry 😞 cus having a partner is horrible can’t imagine a a parent
You're not alone and thankfully today is a new day. Your life isn't lost!
We need our own dating reality show! Life begins at 40!
I hear you .
It's especially sad when you are in your mid 30s and you still try to connect with said parents but you still get the same treatments. I never earned my love but merely a breadcrumb of respect from them, randomly. My therapist says it sounds like playing the lottery with them cause they were so unpredictable and I never knew when I would get punished or rewarded. It's still like this and I'm still trying to have relationships with them. I still think they are also human even if they are treating me like this. 😢 Ofc this influences how our other relationships play out. At least now I have awareness over it and have agency. Growing up in that medium was horrendous and all I can say is I am surprised I survived.
Hope everyone who grew up with npd parents can find a way of healing and self love. ❤
A boundary is not "stop yelling at me." Its saying "if you tell at me I will leave for 30 minutes." Then you do it. In that way you're the one who holds your boundaries, not relying on someone else to maintain them.
I did that recently with my narc mom. She was getting snarky and rude, so i told her i was going to walk away, and while I was outside, she manipulated my dad, who has mild dementia, into believing that I was yelling at her, that I was so mean to her, she's such a victim, etc. He got so angry and worked up that when I came back, he began yelling at me and calling me names. She looked at me and smiled. He hasn't spoken to me in weeks because of her.
@@mksway Yikes. My sympathies.
@@mkswayKarma will come for her.
4:55 “if you yell at me….” can be weaponized by the narcissist when they set up a bait/trap that has extremely painful or panic inducing impact in order to make the person to react, especially if narcissist knows that your pain reaction can involve crying/vocalizing loudly or speaking loudly from panicking…. They will label this as “yelling” & deem you “abusive”.
This. My ex knew all the hurtful things to do and say to make me get anxious moving and talking in a higher tone and then he was all chill saying I needed to calm down, I was hysterical and getting things out of proportion. He even used my PTSD against me by making sudden moves towards me while in a fight so I would do a hard movement or jump and accused me of being physically abusive. He messed with my head so much I didn't even realized I wasn't the abuser, but the abused, until I started going to therapy.
I have to work with someone like that sometimes. Luckily my "sentence" has pretty much run it's course. Unfortunately now a 19 year old (good kid) has taken that spot and isn't handling it well either. I feel for him, but I had to deal with it for many years and like I just said my " sentence" has pretty much run it's course. I tell the kid, be thankful you don't have to live with that. He agrees whole heartedly.
Living with one is a nightmare. I've been there lived that hell. Forever changed. Wiser and stronger having gone through the fire.
@@tatiscolombiaI learned that’s a level of narcissistic behavior called toxic narcissism when they purposefully use what they know hurts you, against you. I’m so sorry that happened to you. I hope and pray you find and God sends you heathy, safe people.
You know whats been eating away at me, the quote “sometimes monsters don’t know theyre monsters” its like they don’t even realize they hurt others
They do but they create reasons and excuses to do so.
Often they really don't. It's an act of desperation and limitation coming from own past trauma / experience of toxic relationships in upbringing. Nobody is born that way. Nobody in their right mind would want to be like that. It is a handicap that may be overcome. But only if it is seen how petty and useless the whole show is.
Often there is too much support - just look at politicians: the more narcissistic, the more appealing and deceptive.
I think it depends on the person.
I do not know if a full-on narcissist or sociopath ever feels badly for those they've hurt. I know my narcissist former step-dad and my half-sister (sired by him) never even seem to fully own up to the wrongs they've done: everything is always someone else's fault. "I wouldn't have physically attacked you if you hadn't p*ssed me off so much!" "There's nothing wrong with me! It's everyone else who's fkd up! I'm perfect!" These are things they have said. There has never been a moment (to my knowledge) where they have asked themselves "Why do these things keep happening to me? Am I the problem? What can I do to fix this?"
I think most of us have asked ourselves "Am I the problem? How can I fix this?" At some point. It's in asking ourselves such questions that leads to personal growth amd development. But if a person thinks they're perfect and everyone else is the problem, they're never going to evolve. My "perfect" sister would shrug at such a statement "Pikachu never evolves. He's cute and he's perfect!" He's a temperamental cartoon character that's quick to electrocute anyone and everyone around him....but yeah, ofc he's cute af because he's an anime character.
At any rate, the narcissists stunt themselves with their own delusion. When they open up and get vulnerable, it usually seems to be part of some trap (in my experience, at least, w narc family and also narcissist exes.) If they were to genuinely get real and vulnerable with themselves or someone else, they *could* change and evolve for the better.
I'm not sure if they're afraid to get raw like that because they don't want to face their ugly behavior and it's ramifications. Like Shia LeBeauf(sp?) He "takes accountability" but he doesn't really. He opened up, getting raw and real with us.....but it was all a lie. His dad never harmed him or did any of that. Probably the real reason Shia was paying for his father's lifestyle; hush money "Go along with the Honeyboy narrative and you'll have a comfortable life." That's how these people roll.
The biggest question is: Why are they like this? My sister and I grew up with the same parents, we were both the scapegoat with her father, our mom was also a victim....different trauma response wiring, maybe? Idk. But why is her father like this? He grew up in a lowkey affluent family, there was no trauma, he'd lived a good life and often bragged about his party boy years. He never outgrew the party boy; he only married a single mom (my mom) to show his parents "Look, I'm responsible now!" Because they wanted him to settle down and get serious, stop partying. Where's his trauma? Are they (my former step-dad and Shia's of the world) warped due to a lack of any real struggle?
Or they know and don't give two shites
D@@gypsywoman9140it's not only trauma that make people narcissist it's also selfishness and they do know what they're doing when it's selfishness being spoiled by Rich parents or something to that effect will also make you a narcissist
It's incredible how there are tons of studies, videos, books, podcasts, you name it...describing the situation that I'm in with the narc in my life...everything fits...there is ample proof that this is not in my head...that this is a real, unhealthy situation that I am engaged in and is making my life unbearable...yet I still feel like maybe I'm in the wrong...maybe I'm crazy...maybe I'm a bad person...maybe it's all my fault. I can objectively say this is real, yet I still feel like maybe I'm making this up.
Keep the receipts. Copy, record, screenshot, note down the occurrences, and prove it to yourself . This is therapeutic because if you can see it , you can no longer logically deny it. God bless you and give you wisdom
For 35yrs I have been in this position. I am finally ready to accept it is not me, not my responsibility, not my problem to fix. I have nothing left but the rest of my life. But I will be ok on the path of mental recovery.
Jimmy is the emotionally intelligent big brother I never had ❤
Sadly, apparently he’s like it because he fckd up. Just shows that we are not defined by our mistakes, but by what we do after that.
I have blamed myself for anxiously responding to being stonewalled and over-communicating with the narcissist while being stonewalled. I told myself if they could understand or hear me. I wish I hadn't done that. It made me look and feel crazy, which in the end is what I think they wanted.
Girl. We have all been there. Makes you feel like you mean nothing.
Feeling this so hard right now. It's like the more I try, the further he turns away. 😢
That's exactly what they want.
Same...
This is powerful and important to know. Setting boundaries with toxic or narcissistic people often brings conflict not because of the boundaries themselves, but because they challenge the other person's control.
"Please stop standing there; they're not going to stop."
💯 🎉
Bulletpoints:
1. Punish you. Purposely doing things to hurt you.
2. Mocking, dismissing, and/or invalidating your boundary.
3. Claim you are being controlling. The key here is that they turn around the victim and offender roles. Suddenly you are abusive, when all you are saying is "I don't want to be abused". (Essential part of DARVO, maybe they follow it up with 5.)
4. Twist your words or gaslight. They listen to the boundary, maybe even agree, only to later cross it with no problem. If you call them out, they criticize you for not being specific enough or claim you never set this boundary in the first place. Could be that they misunderstood and cannot admit to being wrong, don't care, or that they are on a purposeful gaslighting campaign.
5. Play the victim. Either by openly claiming the boundary is unfair and is hurting them, or seamlessly transition into an unrelated story to invoke pity.
The problem with a nacricisst is, that the person you love and is most close to you is behaving more awful than anyone else.
Yes- that’s the worst isn’t it…. That and the lack of understanding out there in your day…
I had 9 years of this type of crap. Ladies… trust me run for the hills and don’t look back. Best decision I’ve made in my entire life!!!
I had 49 yrs 9 mos of the horrible patterns. Kept hoping things would improve!
When you change but their narrative of you doesn’t, that says so much
Yes the worse thing is that when your boundary has been crossed for the third time so you react angry then they say ‘I’m going to remove myself bye’ leaving you feeling like you’re the one who’s wrong 😂 you’re 100% right leave when you are poked with that stick or boundary crosses the first time. Anyone who crosses your boundary doesn’t care how how it makes you feel.
yup. I went through this with a "friend". Once I finally lashed out after being poked a thousand times she started ignoring me then when I asked her what was going on after MONTHS of her ignoring me, she said she was keeping a distance from me because I was toxic and wanted me to respect her boundaries. I said ok, and I apologized, but she NEVER apologized for all the wrong she did to me and acted like she was the victim because I yelled at her. From her other words and past actions, I realized she never really liked me and thought maybe she only kept me around because I give really good gifts or I can get her amazon packages from the door when she's not home (we are also neighbors). I'm still confused about what happened because I don't like to think of others as narcissists but the fact she kept gaslighting me, disregarding my feelings, and not even reflecting on her words or actions speaks volumes.
@@HurairaHerbalsthat's something I grew up with. Victim control dynamic - it happens a lot in groups. A NPD person will subtly poke and they know your triggers. When you react is when they play the victim card. And then the whole group sees the reaction but they didn't notice what triggered the reaction and everyone blames you 😢 took me years to learn how not to react anymore just to not get in that position anymore 😢
It got so bad that I thought my only way to get him to stop treating me so poorly was if I wore a camera on my body along with a camera facing me. That entire time I was thinking what it would take to get him to stop, such as the cameras, because I couldn't see the very simple fact.. I shouldn't have even been thinking that way to begin with.
I love how the control and dominance is explained.
He actually used the words boundaries and limits when he wanted to control. For things that weren’t boundaries but explained my flaws.
Kept telling me how I communicated so badly and didn’t take his feelings into account. Meanwhile family and friends were telling me uhhhh you didn’t say anything bad …
they’re just
hypersensitive even to imaginary things ! It’s never their fault …
Yes exactly! They are so insecure that they create perceived slights against themselves. You could point at a flower and say, "That's a pretty flower," and somehow you are insulting them, calling them hideous. But in the contrary, they will literally call you/me/ any of us every name in the book, insult us, find a flaw, no matter how many times you ask them to stop, and somehow we are the ones who are too sensitive or we are exaggerating. Narc Insecurities Projecting their own behaviors 101
Mum called me to yell at me, because she felt that I wouldn't let her haunt my house when she dies 💀✨
Same
"Please stop standing there." Finally stepping out of that spot after 27 years. Your videos have helped with that decision to do so.
My last boyfriend was a narcissist. I call him WBE: Worst Boyfriend Ever. I had never encountered this with any of my other relationships, so I got sucked right into his manipulations. But there was always a small part of me that kept saying, "This isn't right." I finally became apathetic: "Oh, you're mad at me. Again. Must be a day ending in 'y'." That's when he broke up with me. I still kick myself for not being the one to end the relationship at the first sign of trouble. I'm sadder but wiser now, and really appreciate people like Jimmy who are raising awareness about this toxic behavior.
But you did the exact right thing, making him leave you, so that he doesn't feel like he lost control and he need not take revenge. It was the safest. The time you needed to understand what he is can be chalked up as a useful learning experience. You will never fall for those tricks again and are just the richer for it.
@@SarahRenz59 same it was the first time I had a really bad relationship. I kept staying the same thing “this isn’t right, I have to leave” I said that for years. I would tell him you’re the first person who disrespects me, no one had treated me like this before. His response “oh you think you’re so fucking great!” …. Ummmm no but you did choose to be with me so I must be something goooood cus you’re all the bad 🥲😂
Don't kick yourself for it, that was the fastest way to get rid of him, if you would've been the one to leave, he would not have made it easy for you to stay away, the calls, the showing up where you are, calling you the worst things that are out there then being the sweetest/perfect person you always wanted. Well I hope you didn't get that.
😮blessing that he did 👌 🙏 🌟
Glad you said "toxic behaviour" because not all people with NPD are toxic. Some people with NPD or NPD tendencies really work hard on themselves. Some people grew up with NPD parents and learned such behaviours before learning they aren't healthy or useful. I'm sad that most comments see NPD people as bad and not their behaviours.
Boundaries are just a challenge. Go no contact. Period.
That isnt always realistic. What if the narc is your parent, or sibling, or child and you live in the same house? What if you are financialy dependant on them? Sometimes you either cant fully break off from them and sometimes you simply dont want to because despite their issues you still love them.
Sometimes you need to find ways to both protect yourself whilst maintaining some level of contact. And that IS possible. I have a narc dad and I see him 4/5 times a years and those times are usualy fun because I know how to handle him and what not to talk about. I dont take things personal and I keep things shallow. And when I do that contact goes well enough that I doesnt cause me stress or less quality of life. He lives his life and I mine.
But, not every narc is the same. There are different types of narcs. And some are far more harmless then others. There are narcs that are truly wel and deeply dangerous, or those that just refuse to leave you alone. My dad being content with 4/5 meetings a year is great for me as it allows me to have that balance. But not all narcs will be fine with such little contact.
Its a case by case basis. But I will say, when in doubt and its possible for you to do, no contact is probably the best call.
I've had a long time friend who was a narcissist , only I fidnt recognize it for a long time. Eventually I had to go no contact and I saw all the backlash through another friend she chose to dump all of her toxicity towards me onto. This was all while she was simultaneously continuously crossing my boundaries of needing space and and love bombing me through the mail while slandering me to my other friend who had the clarity and loyalty to stand up for me and make me aware of what the narcissist was saying behind the scenes. I thank God that the narcissist friend is no longer in my life! I also thank God for my many healthy friendships and for giving me a friend who would fight in my corner! Keep up the powerful videos. Your insight is spot on!!
This is spot on! My husband of 22 years uses all of these techniques. I’m just now learning about covert narcissism and so many things are making sense now. This is more helpful than the marriage counseling and personal counseling which never made anything better. TY
Same situation
Same. 😢
Same here. About to become a nun.
Same here!
It is not you is a nice thing to know
You need to constantly screenshot messages as proof when they deny what was said and accuse you of lying..just exhausting 😮💨😮💨
Yes I'm in the thick of it right now. And boy is he the fake victim. I'm one up on him most of family members know. They are with me the battle goes on. Oh Jimmy I was told the other day I have mental issues. I'm beyond done oh the baiting. 😮😮
Yes!! My brother and SIL's behaviors got so toxic that it pushed me to get counseling. I was advised in 2021 to screenshot every text and upload them to a safe place and save every email. It seemed extreme, but I did it. I also greyrocked them which made them furious. I'm so thankful because in 2023, they had enough of my grey rocking and came at me via email with false accusations and manipulations. They were counting on the fact that I wouldn't remember what was said or what happened. I replied (and included the rest of the family who couldn't understand why I was keeping my distance) and attached a word document with timelines and all the screenshots of texts and emails. I haven't heard from them since other than a brief thank you text for sending my nephews a birthday gift. 😂
@@Ratgirl2So predictable. Let me know when you’re told “You need help”, “You need therapy!”. Sounds like he’s scared by your awareness already. Keep being strong and grey rocking (cool, calm respond vs react.) You got this!👍
@@Lisa-ee6tf
Yes he told me our kids think I'm crazy. He's away he told me I'm heading home tonight I couldn't hold back my emotions waited until
They where at it's peak and let his three family members here it he put it on speaker. It's sick I know I'm not crazy he got me again. 😵💫😵💫🫤🫤
Kinda funny you say that because I think my mom caught on and she never texts me anymore. Guess what, I don't talk to her or my mother inlaw without my husband by my side. Yall gonna behave today!!! Lol. But my mother inlaw acted one infront of him the other day and we were like, yeah, she needs to be medicated, when she left. What is it with the women over 60 that I know that are like this!!!
"I thought we were a team" spat my drink out 😂😂 I hear that ALL THE TIME!
Same! 🎯
If you hear that all the time, maybe it's because you are disloyal, narcissistic and/or selfish person ?
@Damesanglante yeah maybe 😂😂 bang on mate. Nothing to do with what Jimmy is talking about at all 😂😂
“You just don’t want peace”.
“You get hurt too easily”
“Were you always like this?”
“You’re too much”.
And pretending no harm was done minutes or hours after insults.
It’s all toxic behavior.
Or "you're too sensitive"
"You're making this more than it needs to be"
"We're the same and you're a hypocrite" - if you're fighting for your voice to be heard and standing up for yourself, and your partner is dismissing and blaming you for your feelings, that's not the same thing and standing up for yourself and telling them it's not ok for them to treat you that way. There's no use in trying to get them to understand, when they don't actually care. It's a hard thing to realize for sure!
You’re too nice, too sensitive, you’re different. Underhanded knocks.
I was told "You're just so dramatic I don't take you seriously."
Yeah.
I don't trust her with my feelings now.
Narcissists are so awful and damaging that it’s not worth one minute of your time to ever be around them.
“When we abandon ourselves, we never experience peace” 🤯 Facts.
My mom always used to tell me how sensitive I was. Then one day I responded by saying “You know what mom? I’d rather be sensitive than in-sensitive like you.” Come to realize how sensitive SHE is and honestly, I’m just normal.
The one who claims to have raised me used to say:
"You're too sensitive"
"You're too emotional"
"You're not a normal child" (in some ways, she's not wrong)
"So, I'M the bad guy, huh...."
"I'm your mother. You don't get privacy"
And a whole host of other things, even now. I'M the one who needs help. I'M the one who can't function in life......sure, whatever. I graduated hs, she didn't. I graduated college, TWICE, she had to study for days to take a typing test. She thinks education is soooooo easy, yet she gave up her sophomore year.....
I feeeeel this!
If they feel something, it's completely valid always. If you feel anything at all, it either doesn't matter or you aren't given permission.
This happened to be, but not with my mom. Nobody in my life thinks I’m sensitive or emotional. I’m pretty calm like 90% of the time, so the sensitivity accusations used to drive me nuts. I felt so crazy. One day I realized how insane it was when I finally saw that the only person in my life who calls me sensitive is also the only person who calls me stupid, yells and cusses at me, tells me I’m not funny, and habitually ignores me. It’s not you. It’s them.
100% my mum. She is 87 and I’m 56 and through therapy I discovered she is a narcissist. Sorry is a word I have never heard her say and when i started to put boundaries in for the first time in my life, oh boy did she hit the rage and victim. Thank you Jimmy as always for validating our feelings and its the narcissist who is hurting us, not the other way around.
My story is the same. I knew something was wrong that my mother wasnt a calm warm mum but later i disovered she has narcististic traits. She is very critical she has a low level to enter flustration or anger she loves to compete with her own chlodren ans she has to win she was telling me all my life you are too sensitive so i was thinking there is something wrong with me. And on therapy im working hard to brake my People pleasing tendencies, to wake up my anger, to look for good side of my sensitivity, to be assertive, to communicate my needs and boundaries and few more... hard work to do ..But so important.
So helpful! I'm approaching month 4 of no contact with a narcissistic bf and it's a WONDERFUL thing!!¡!!
you see the happiness in life again 😊
Tysm for this. Ive considered unblocking the narc this morning and this video popped up to remind me why I went no contact in the first place. ❤
I heard a great saying recently "Inviting a toxic person back into your life is like drinking poison because you're thirsty". Loved that! With the holidays coming up, stay strong!
Stay strong, and there's so many other people out there that you could explore life with rather than someone who you've found to be a negative impact of your life.
@skachor ty. It's not so much that I want to talk to him again but I feel bad for blocking him knowing that he has no one. The blocking seems cruel to me but I need to remind myself to keep me safe first and foremost. Everyday it's always my empathy VS my safety fighting and it's exhausting. 😮💨
6 years out and I still have moments of doubt. Thank you for those moments of reminder
Oh, the constant zig-zag to find a tool that wins in the present moment... it's exhausting. Then i stop and think, dang, how much energy is this person putting in to crafting the illusion of me losing either way every. Single. Time.
It's wild. So much effort for a lie
I identify with everything here. It's such a constant struggle, 30 years of this abuse, finally trying to break free.
Me too….20 years. 2 months separated. It’s so surreal listening to the fantasy world he is living in.
@@PixiePercival 1 month over here..how do you feel? Any regrets? Do you miss him?
@@miaqueen9578 It hurts. I fell in love with him - miss him? Well, I think I miss the fantasy 'him' which may even be in there. But what is the reality? For I choose to remember - that the person who emotionally hurts me - who cannot relate and is injured and seems to need to play games with me all the time, so i feel like the enemy so yes - I try harder, or get so frustrated etc... - thats the real actual person. He actually isn't the 'seldom seen' one I thought. I heard something once - it was that If I had to answer 'what do I love about him' that I wouldn't actually be able to articulate it. I found this to be true. I can't. Its my mind splitting the reality of the person in two. Forget closure. I am so much more myself now he isnt here. Its early days but I will never go back.
@@miaqueen9578 I do miss him, but mostly I miss the comfort of my home and the family unit. When we are apart I can be myself, and yet I still feel like a piece of me is missing.
Jimmy, Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am 15 months past a 3.5yr relationship with a narcissist. Every time I start to gaslight myself into, "maybe I was the problem" I see one of your videos and I feel so validated. Everything you talk about here was real for me. He pushed and pushed past every single boundary, never took any accountability, blamed me for the challenges in communication ( I am a very good communicator) gaslit, deflected. redirected and projected his own effed up toxic view of himself onto me. When that did not work he stonewalled. Dude pushed and poked until I lost it and got angry. The minute he figured out which buttons to push, he relentlessly pushed them. I was forced into hours long conversations. When I left the room he followed me until I left the house. MY house. The last 6 months we were together were beyond toxic. I aged 5 years in the last year we were together. I am still recovering.
Yes! He's always says I bring out the best in him... And I told him he brings out the worst of me... I've never been the type to get this angry ever... Until now...
It's to the point where im disgusted when he says he loves me... Actions speak louder than words.... And in the words of the great Tina Turner "whats love got to do with it?" The poking analogy perfectly made sense to me! Thank you... Im tired of being poked... 😢
Thank you for explaining healthy boundaries. I legit don’t know what they are anymore. I gave my spouse one deal breaker boundary: don’t cheat on me. So he did it and walked out on our family. Then he said that if I truly loved him unconditionally, I’d allow him to keep me and the other woman.
Gah. The inanity of it.
Unconditional love doesn’t mean we have to tolerate selfish and cruel behavior!
Mine said the same thing...
Letting him go was the best thing I've done.
Extremely helpful! The number one goal of these toxic people is to get you to give up on yourself. You bring the clarity that stops this!
You just summarized my entire 40 year marriage.
Wow 40 years is a long time to deal with gaslighting
Me too. But I am getting out asap. Walking with nothing and looking forward to enjoying the rest of my life.
Omygosh!! The moment you set boundaries, they leave because they aren't able or willing to grow
I have had my problem go away for a month because he does what he wants. The best thing that has happened in a long time....... I have had peace and time to review our relationship . I understand who he is. Thank you for these videos.
just got diagnosed autistic 7 weeks ago. i find that almost all your advice translates pretty directly to 'how to communicate with neurotypical people'. ty. i might be 'borrowing' some of your content going forward.
My boundaries were 'exagerated', 'too hard to follow', 'cruel', I was 'frigid' 'traumatized' and 'complicated'. Luckily, I was able to leave (after many years) but the confusion and the damage left is something I'm still dealing with.
I think when in a relationship with a toxic narcissist you end up saying a lot of the things they have said. It’s become a confusing thing where you hear this and think you sound like a narcissist. But you got to remind yourself of things you went through with them that was illogical. The lack of trust, accusations, manipulations, lying about random things, gaslighting, breadcrumb, making the things they did for you bigger than what it was, even the possible physical violence you have gone through.
You got to emotionally distant yourself ENOUGH to be ok with walking away and Blocking. Have zero ties if you can. Because we need to stop allowing access to us. Lets not this individual change us into someone we don’t like. Keep the vision you wanted for you life. ❤ one step at a time.
I just wept through this video because it rings so true for my experience. I am about seven months out and went no contact a few months ago. And I am just now starting to be able to read and understand without the fog that I was in. Slowly, I’m navigating my way out and I am so thankful to be out but the painful truth is I still miss them.
6 months for me.. I still miss her and I'm feeling so stupid for missing a person who was so bad for me 🥲
@ I hear your pain and thank you for sharing. The hurt around the hurt runs deep and can be a lot. Yet we must keep moving forward know we deserve better.
Once you fully realize that what you miss them for was all fake, you can break the spell. Look into "intermittent reinforcement", they got you addicted to their "nice" side by being unpredictable and thus getting you addicted to them. It's actually caused by body chemicals like dopamine and other hormones.
“I’m not going to let you sleep over anymore if you wake me up in the middle of the night when I have to go to work the next day for no real reason.” Oddly was the boundary battle line for years.
My abuser had me so gaslit for so long. I believed I was the crazy, inconsiderate, selfish jerk.
But nope. It was him.
I finally moved away (snuck away) one day after he left for work june of 2024. He has no idea where i am and me and his cat are living a better life!
100% true and I went through it all and so glad he bailed. I dodged a bullet and can totally enjoy the rest of my life! Well done video.
As soon as boundaries were implemented,he turned victim.Mind you,those boundaries were needed to protect us from him 😢
I think everyone wishes they had seen this video sooner. I know i do…. I also know my future self will be grateful i saw it when i did.
Thank you Jimmy
Thank you. This is great. For all relationships with people with narcissistic traits, not just romantic partners.
I recently tried this 'manifesting' lark, and found the whole 'embodying the perfect loving relationship ' exercise very interesting. Repeatedly running a film of it in my mind and REALLY feeling how that would feel, completely shifted how I felt. Soon after, my reaction to my now-ex was a simple "Nope" and I was gone.
There is no apology. Ever. They will never apologize. Just get out. Escape and cut off all communication.
This describes my relationship with both my mother and my sibling. I'm so tired.
Get away, if you can. Cutting ties with family is so hard but sometimes is the only way to heal
Perfectly true.
Who on earth wants to be with such a horrible human?
Yes the moment you start respecting yourself, and being courageous to live on your own, you have so much power to make a better life for yourself.
Be good and loving to only the right people, and NOT to the narc. "Do not give your pearls to swine least they trample on them and turn and tear you to pieces". Stand up for yourself and the narc can go fly a kite and vanish because there's NO LOSS loosing that horrible toxic mad human. And I do empathise for all the rebounds the narc will abuse just as much as the narc abused you.
Yes 100% it took me 15 yrs of bullshit before I realised they will never change, never be truly happy and never be truly content, never feel or give real love. They can never live a life without complications and manipulation. They can never be in a relationship and give love, respect, and empathy. I said to him, "This is not my problem anymore. I can't find a reason to love you anymore, I dont feel loved or respected from you. I'm ending it now, I'm done." He was actually flabbergasted, that made me smile. I had spent so long caring about you, your boundaries, whilst becoming a person I wasn't. It's been 2 yrs. I'm still learning about me and what I actually like. But I am who I want to be. I am happy. 😁❤️
Wonderful video My partnership of five years ended a month ago. When my true love decided to part ways with me, it truly is the only thing on my mind. I can't fathom my life with anyone else, and even though I've tried everything to get him back, it's all in vain. Despite my best efforts to put him out of my thoughts, I can't help but miss him and think about him all the time. I could not really tell you why I am saying this.
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
Interesting! How did you locate a spiritual counsellor, and how can I get in touch with him most effectively?
His name is Father Obah Eze, and he is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
he is father obah eze, he has great powers, he can help you.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive
Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
Thank you Jimmy! Makes perfect sense and I’m done standing there…I’m jumping off the cliff and can’t wait for my new journey 💯✌️🤷🏻♀️😎🌹🙏💪❤️
Are you leaving your narcissist? You can expect a rough ride Maybe, hoovering and harassment.
@@NarcissistHex-nf9eq yes I am leaving my narcissistic mother finally after almost 5 long decades of her abuse and not knowing what I was dealing w until I was 48 and I’ll be 50 in April. I’m fully aware and expecting all the things. Stalking, harassment, hovering, smear campaign etc these things are not new tho, she’s been doing this and more since birth. The only difference now is that I know who and what she is and she knows I know and I’m not afraid of her anymore. I actually think she has no idea what to expect from me because I’m so indifferent. So say some prayers, cuz on 11/11/2024, I’m walking away in silence w my head held high ❤️💯🤷🏻♀️🙏✌️🌹💪🫶
My daughter became a mom 3 years ago. We were all living together for the first year and a half. When she moved out she set boundaries for family fun and visits which sometimes meant we didn't see each other for weeks at a time- I understood we all lived together we needed a break. Then it kept on and she often cancelled last minute and often would not agree to making plans for a visit. I have to be fine with her boundaries and it's been happening for awhile and I'm starting to just accept and be happy with what I do have - focus on all the good things in life and live the serenity prayer. I did become depressed for awhile but all passes. Thanks for your channel it helped me a lot. I wondered at times if I was the narcissist. Thanks for clarification and making learning fun!
I don’t understand why you think you aren’t the narc. You sound like a narc playing the victim right now.
When I became a mum I started to reduce contact with my step mother from hell. I literally got anxious the second I saw her name on my phone screen.
Because refusing to come somewhere (so she can suddenly separate me from other people and start emotionally abusing me and then return to them as normal and happy and be totally stunned and laugh at how tired I looked, there must be something wrong with me being so introverted and getting so tired for no reason at all) would make her rage. So it is easier to just get a migraine or break a finger (Yeah I have actually hit myself with a hammer just to get away from her and have a legit reason) to cancel last minute.
When I finally got in no contact with her, she was like "well I guess I am a monster and never did anything right 😢" and when she realized that bullsht wont fly anymore, she went pale and started screaming at how terrible and ungrateful daughter I am.
She probably tells everyone I am a narcissist who has weaponized a boundary against her and she is the victim who tries to be understanding to me being horrible.
Just saying.
Lol UA-cam did not seem to let me post my long comment so Yeah in short
This sounds like something my step mom from hell would write in comments after years of emotional abuse I endured from her
I hope that you are different and just clumsy with your comment but damn my blood pressure went up from reading this.
You are. You resent her setting boundaries.
These other people are really jumping the gun calling you a narcissist.
You don't seem upset beyond being hurt that you don't see your daughter and grandchild as often as you did.
The rest of these armchair psychs are confused and oversensitive in their responses.
10:33 if someone’s poking you…. I would scream at the person poking”… And under the perfect set-up, a narcissist or their enabler/s might only witness the “scream at the person” & the screamer would then be labeled as abusive. The really smart narcissists can come up with that sort of scenario…the really lucky narcissists luck into those scenarios & run with it.
This is how narcissistics weaponize the police, mental health system, CPS, etc.
WOW… you couldn’t have said it any better than this! Thank you for your time and energy to put content out like this.
We are a team until I challenge him by giving my opinion. Even if most of the time it’s regarding my own autonomy.
This is insanely accurate. Especially the part about poking someone to their breaking point and eventually they snap back and act out of character. I finally found the courage to get a separation. Been a decade of this type of crazy-making and my mental, emotional, physical, and even spiritual health has suffered enough.
Best way to handle them is to go no contact and if that’s not possible : don’t tell them your plans, don’t ask them for help Or cooperation, don’t voluntarily interact with them and when they do (and they will) come up with some reason they need to speak to you, keep your responses short and not open ended.
Victim of narcissist: Don't p on my feet.
Narcissist: It's raining. I'm not peeing.
Victim of Narcissist: Rain isn't yellow.
Narcissist: You're being controlling. Shouldn't I be free to p where I want. You are mistreating me. You don't treat your best friend like that. You're so selfish.
The narrative as it goes
...
Thank you Jimmy: I could have used u years ago. I am so lost right now, but now I know what I am dealing with. Listening to you, I understand a lot more. Thank you.
This is so spot on. My brother and sister in law's behaviors got so toxic that I had to start grey rocking them at family gatherings. My brother (who is in his 40s) never asked "what's wrong? Are you ok?" He just threw tantrums and kept texting the rest of the family that I was ignoring him. When I made it clear I was done with the gaslighting and manipulation he said his boundaries weren’t being respected and I need therapy. It's ironic because he's the reason I decided to go to therapy and learned how to set boundaries with controlling people. 😂
This video reinforced my opinion of my guy. He disappears and forgets plans sometimes, but he really cares about me. Till date, he has always respected my every boundary and bent over backwards to make me comfortable. I'm soo lucky to have him. I guess I just overreacted. Thank you for showing me that I'm in the wrong. I'll apologise and send him lots of hugs.
My mom loves calling me a crazy alcoholic. I have never had a drink in my life.😭🤦🏽♀️
My husband would call me a whore, after being married for 25 years and giving him 8 kids and never having been with another man.😢
With many of my family members, their favorite tactic was to go to opposite extremes to punish me for speaking up when I'm uncomfortable. I'm freezing cold, and I say so, they'll turn the thermostat up to stifling heat, wait for me to say something about that, and then use this to "prove" I can't be satisfied. I'm going to complain no matter what. It's too noisy, I can't think, and I ask for quiet while I'm trying to study for this important test. Well! Just because I temporarily needed quiet at that particular time, they'll launch into this lengthy, drawn out, resentful silent treatment. If I ever want the pleasure of their company and conversation again, I'm going to have to BEG them to speak to me! I feel suffocated because they're overhelping me, and I speak up about wanting to do it myself, then by jiminy, the next time I genuinely need help, they're going to let me fall flat on my face, and they'll be sure to throw it at me. "But I thought you said you could take care of yourself!" You get the picture.
and all said in passive aggressive tone. Sounds just like my family 😅😢
It would probably start a fight, i wondered how they would react after saying "you made me do it" you ask " are you good with me having that much control over how you act?" 😮
An apology from a narcissist goes like this: I’m sorry IF I upset you. I was just reacting to what YOU said….
Apology from a healthy person: I’m sorry I hurt you.
I told my ex husband before we got married that I didn’t want to share details of my past with him, but I made a few boundaries on the topic.
AS SOON as I gave him a small explanation, he immediately utilized that information against me.
We were married 60 days and he immediately started gaslighting me and accusing me of setting him up for counseling 🤯
The worst part, his family took his side so to not damage their relationship with him.
OMG... My mom ticks off every single one of these behaviors... I never would have called it and it's funny because I thought I had a pretty decent sense of judgement and boundaries but something in my mind made me believe "it could never be her intentionally trying to manipulate and overstep,she says she only has my best interests at heart... Right? It has to be something I'm doing that's making things worse" I tried to change everything within my power to bring a semblance of peace to our relationship even taking us to therapy. Every effort I make is met with hostility or resistance and any good news I try to share is barely ever acknowledged... but if I bring this up... even in therapy, I'm making her out to be a villain. She doesn't have to tell me she loves me if her actions show it.... her words. God help me for saying that I don't feel like her actions show love at all and if that's the case, why do you tell my daughter that you love her? I just feel really sad knowing that she actually wants for there to either be discourse or submission or both in our relationship... I already don't get on with my dad... Same reasons... guess it was easier to realize what was happening when he acted that way.
Sorry for rambling... Just felt reassuring to have someone break down what is actually happening.
Can't help but notice the plants you have in your backgrounds. Beautiful. Ive been growing/collecting for around 40 years. Love them ❤💚
The narc in our life is my sister-in-law. Fortunately, my husband has come to terms with the fact that we need to maintain "no contact" with his sister due to her refusal to apologize and take responsibility for her toxic behavior and the mess she made.
This video is insightful and so spot on, thank you!
My ex of 8 years left me on valentines day for a mutual friend who was supposed to be the priest for our wedding. Wish I'd seen your videos sooner, probably would've avoided a lot of suffering.
It's crazy how I didn't understand the behavior until seeing stuff like this.
😢
Wow, that's horrible.
I'm sorry man...
This is ringing so many bells. The most toxic person I dated once provoked me to calling him a name, which I apologized for later. He was actually fine with it, even seemed pleased. I realized he was pleased to see me lose control. The time he was the angriest was when I told him he needed to own his behavior. The rage that came out then actually scared me. He would make grand, romantic gestures, and then do things to create distance, lose his temper, or accuse me of things I didn’t do. It was constant drama.
My ex-husband was different. The needling was subtler. He was extremely passive-aggressive. I think that’s even worse, because if someone won’t even acknowledge their hostility or anger, it’s pure gaslighting. I was living with someone who was constantly trying to thwart me and pretending it was intended for my benefit. I’m so glad I got out!
My knees felt weak listening to you. You said so many of the same phrases of my ex it was uncomfortable.
I left her 2 years ago after 3 broken trust ( 2 massive lies that were on the verge of manipulation that still have a negative impact on my life and 1 total disrespect of a boundary with gaslighting ) I then asked her to contact me again ONLY when she'll have grown as a person. She kept contacting me, and I stayed distant but still present for her reminding her to stop contacting me and only contact me when she'll have grown as a person. I had enough and said as a last message that she left me no choice but to block her number to force her to respect me. She left a voice mail playing the victim that blocking someone is not the right course of action and that I'm visibly still anger locked for doing such a thing.
I had my flaws and I was a bad person in prior relationship, I grown and was ready for a good and stable relationship when I met her in my late 30. I guess this is my karma showing me and making me pay the price of what I did to others, and then some more.
Boundaries are set! God handles those who team up with evil...with great intent to harm another person out of jealousy and envy....Ty🙏
You are my hero! I needed this at this exact moment!
I wish I could discover and heal what has broken my ability to let toxic PEOPLE GO!
I do appreciate all of this and I have now avoided 3 narcissistic relationships because I DID have one and seeing your videos confirmed what happened to me and I can see a narcissist in 3 conversations and I just walk away no matter how kind they seem or how much “chemistry” we seemed to have. So happy to love myself and not fall for this bullshit! Thank you.
I Iike your words! People don't understand why I'm not doing things against him after we broke up!! He already have done a Lot of damage! And also, i'm not like him. I just want to find myself again. People don't understand why I couldn't have more boudaries and defend myself .. it's SO difficult.. I fought back and now I'm the crazy one
Stay strong don't go back, don't fall for the Hoover!
This is with anyone, friend , spouse or parent. An elderly is harder to back off when your helping them and other other siblings dont.
I'm so grateful for your help and caring. God bless you fI r all you do. ❤
Online community has been a huge consolation when my real life social network has been destroyed.... Lord have Mercy ✝️
I am so sorry for your loss. May God bring you a new in person community full of both truth and grace.
Being with a narcissistic ended half my social circle. And ending the relationship ended the other half. I had to start from zero, but leaving that place was worth it. You can do it, Michael! You're strong and resilient
Remember “Footprints”. At the time when you’re at your lowest, God is carrying you.
You just helped me make sense of the last 6 years of my life. Thank you for making me realize that I didn't do anything wrong by trying to maintain a healthy reasonable boundary with an unreasonable person.
Thank you for video- I had to distance myself from my abusive mother!😊
I used to get (and still do as an ex) the "I wasn't aware it was a boundary when I did that" "you never said that" "if you had said something i would have never done that" when I know we've talked about it many times....
Thank you for your insight and clarity; you have been a guiding source of hope and a light at the end of the tunnel. I've been married for 20 years, and we never fought for the first 13 years; it was barely a heated discussion. Things suddenly became issues when he stayed out late into the am hours. Long story short, he left, we both had another short-term relationship in-between, then decided to try again, four kids in mind, and ever since, he's been exactly, in every single way, shape, or form, what you have described like you are watching my life. I was so confused, hurt, and ALWAYS to blame, and the guilt took me to the point of wanting to end my life, being told how awful and how bad of a person I was. I thought I might be insane, as much as I was told I was, along with many other choice words, until I saw one of your videos, and it has changed my life. I will forever be grateful for your time and efforts in all that you do. I especially love your shorts, the BAD ADVICE one, is my favorite😊God bless! ❤