I Wouldn't Have Cheated If I Knew THIS...
Вставка
- Опубліковано 1 бер 2024
- Cheating always devastates relationships. In this video I talk about everything I believe would have preventing me from cheating on my wife and would prevent any partner from cheating in their relationship.
7 Clues to Spot the Narcissist Early
• 7 Clues to SPOT the Na...
If you ever want to support my work bit.ly/3FWA1Ez
#marriageadvice #relationshipproblems #conflictresolution
Your wife is a stronger person than most. I would never be able to trust you again, and my inability to trust you would ruin anything positive we had in our relationship.
This!
@Jlk6532 Allowing you partner to be human and make mistakes, giving him or her the chance to reevaluate their behaviour and grow on an emotional and personal level, can make a relationship stronger and be a binding experience for both of you.
Saying "I could never.." puts a stop to growth, not least your own. Because it does close the door on reexamining your own issues with trust: Why is it that you need your partner to be perfect in this aspect? Why is there no room for mistakes? Why is this a "dealbreaker"?
I have found that my reaction to having been cheated upon has made me realise that I regarded my partner as my property and of course I could not "allow" my property to stray. Through digging deeper into the reasons for a) his behaviour and b) my reaction to it, we found each other again and the renewed pledge towards being truthful and committed towards each other elevated our relationship to a new and more fulfilling level.
At the core of it all lies the question: How much do you really love each other? For us, the answer was clear and everything else withered away in comparison.
Yes
Jesus can make everything new!
@@Wynnieamen! Indeed!
"If you're not intentionally doing things to strengthen your relationship then you're weakening it" wow
I never saw relationships this way. It was a good wake up call for me.
Same goes for your body. If you don't train your joints and muscles, you'll atrophy and feel older while young.
Sexual exclusivity doesn't streghtehn a relationship. Shared values and goals do it.
@@MrOssyMoro denying sexual exclusivity will definitely do the opposite of "strengthening" your relationship.
Obviously
I think an introspective and communicative ex-cheater is potentially one of the best people to offer relationship advice. I once had a professor that told me he thought the best teachers were often those who had struggled in school, themselves. I think this is similar.
The best teachers are those, that did a lot of trouble themselves ... they know.
💯💯💯💯💯
@Skye I agree 💯 If you've never been married, how can you give me marital advice. 🤔
Yes!!!!
You are definitely right... Just like the best doctor is the one who managed to cure himself in the first place.
A video from your wife about how she learned to trust you would be so useful even with genuine regret, making time for my feelings, reassurance and affection and consistency with his words and actions I still find it hard to trust and can be triggered into feeling insecure. I do have betrayal trauma that started in childhood and a fear of being fooled or deceived.
Oh yes! I had the same thought.
I've been cheated on (even though I tried to work on our relationship, I suggested date nights, tried to communicate, told him what I need to have more sex... I felt like talking to a wall). Now, after he cheated for 4months, we're doing a lot of these things, but I'm not sure if I can ever trust him and love him like before... but I wish I could because I at least believe I can feel he's serious about it.
@@annebanane75044 months..... girl I'm so sorry.
Agreed, it’s interesting to see what steps have to be taken to recovery of a betrayal and if it’s worth it in the first place. In my opinion, no one deserves forgiveness as it’s a fully conscious act from the offensive party, but accept that some people have different priorities and values and loyalty is not on top of that list
@@annebanane7504 Don't push yourself. If he is serious, he also will wait until you can learn to trust him again. Give yourself time, don't rush, keep talking and discussing things. It's not like he made the decision that you are worth being with and you have to function now. No, he can actually also learn something from seeing you heal and that it takes time. Work on it, but don't push yourself. Address your fears, address your thoughts, don't just give him an "I don't trust you anymore", because that is not differentiated enough for him to understand and take action. Be very precise with your needs and be honest about your feelings. The doubt might (almost) disappear one day or the relationship might break. It all depends on your and his decisions and also on your and his inner resources, if the relationship will or won't work. All you can do at the moment is work on it.
@@annebanane7504 it really sounds like you're putting in a lot of work, really care about the relationship and that sounds really hard to do when he's continuously cheating on you. I'm sorry you're going through that ❤️ I do think that he should be the one leading this effort to try and repair the relationship and do whatever it takes to make you feel secure in the relationship again. If you feel like you're talking to a wall when you try to fix it when he's the one cheating, it may be time to realise that he potentially cares more about himself more than you and your relationship. If he won't do the work it takes, don't spoon feed it to him when he's not doing anything to deserve your unconditional love. Take care of yourself ❤️
THERAPIST HERE: Really like how you talk about the "pre-behaviors" I call this territory ... "pretending our way into something." Very good descriptor to refer to it as "walking up to the line" (constantly) and then cross it ... and then be so "surprised" that you crossed the line. Love how your questions are an opportunity to be soberly honest.
Thank you for this!
Thank you for validating him. ❤
If people really wanna mature, they can..If they wanna mess around, don't warte your time on their excuses.
@IFTherapist I love it when my therapist asks questions. It's like peeling an onion to get to the root cause of the problem. I do this myself when finding the root cause as well as solutions to a problem.❤️❤️
In observing your face, I can read your face, and your left side of your mouth goes up to make your mouth slant up. This is a tell that you are dishonest and one can not trust you. It’s kind of like the nefarious personality of the “joker” character…kind of creepy.
Ow. Cut through the heart. I remember one day with my husband at church while grabbing a coffee I looked over and saw a guy with a good haircut and a nice button down shirt almost like a suit without the jacket on and, not sure if it was the same guy, but I smelt a good cologne on someone. I went over to my husband and said " you smell that?" And he said " yeah someone has cologne on" and I tapped him on the chest and said " I want YOU to be the one who I think smells good. And looks good."
That week he got a haircut and he has been on Sundays been occasionally putting his cologne back on that he knows I love.
But Jimmy is right. When thoughts like that come, talk to your partner. I am glad I did it when I did.
I love this!
That is my toughts on relationships...
that's excellent!
though, I don't think I could date anyone who wears strong scents of any kind. It's difficult enough when I have to be in public spaces with them.
@@nimbleline he wears it on more special occasions and the cologne he wears he wore the very first time meeting him. He also puts just a little so I have to be hugging him to smell it. It isn't overpowering thankfully. But I gwt that.
You was blessed he paid attention. ❤️❤️
No freaking way. If a man puts me at risk for a STD by sleeping with me after sleeping with another person, thats recklessly endangering my health. He would be tossed out. Thats worse than breaking trust
100%. That's what spreads and causes HPV which can lead to cervical cancer. It does my head in.
Absolutely, I say in the video I’m 100% not saying you need to give second chances
@@tessajones9393 My ex gave me a vicious form of HPV. Thankfully I caught it early. Had to remove a part of my cervix, but at least I know now, and know to stay on top of my annual exams. Honestly, I am relieved that is all I got from him. He was a serial cheater and almost always went without protection (he's a garbage person and lives in hell every day as a result of the choices he made).
Honestly, this. It's why I'll never forgive people who cheat. Not only have you broken my trust, but you've put my health at risk, potentially permanently. Imagine being a loyal partner and you get HIV because your partner DECIDED you weren't enough, and now you have to live with not only the trauma, but freakin' HIV for the rest of your life.
Absolutely
This is a valuable video, it sets responsibility squarely on the cheater. Thank you for saying the truth, when someone cheats the fault is not 50/50 but 0% your fault and 100% the cheater’s fault.
I agree that the cheating itself is 100% on the cheater, but cheating is a symptom of a relationship problem, for which both people share responsibility.
@@TheBaumcmyeah, I’d say like with most things, it’s situational. Now, are you having a really hard time at work for a month and your partner, whose very needy due to past relationships and anxious due to overbearing parents, whose now not getting the attention and validation they crave because you’re gone more and when you are around, you more tired, and they cheat? Not your fault.
Are you beating your partner? Constantly criticizing them? Belittling them? And they feel its unsafe to leave? Get cheat on. Thats your fault.
And in most situations, its not either extreme.
@TheBaumcm yet it's usually only one person who does the cheating when they're both experiencing trouble in their relationship.
@TheBaumcm it's not a relationship problem, it's a personality, (narcissism, selfish, pride, dishonesty) basically the 7 deadly vices of the cheater. I didn't cheat. I was home raising his kids while he was out feeding his fragile ego.
No, not exactly. It's a both and thing. It's 100% the cheater's fault and responsibility AND anytime a relationship goes south (regardless of what happens) both parties get to look at how they were not supporting that relationship. Doesn't remove blame from the cheater, but it's not as simple as dividing up numbers either.
I've been cheated on by everyone i thought loved me in my 35 years of life. Despite this, I still love like I've never been hurt before. I just don't know what it feels like to love someone without being scared to be hurt. I've been hurt my entire life. I just want to know love without pain and fear.
Same here
Gosh me too!!!
Similarly here. I Loved hard, everyone in my life except for loving myself after a while I was in despair so I didn't know how to include self Love. We are anointed....these have only been lessons. Pure Love ra'main in our center so THAT is what's otw during these current shifts!
You make me cry... I love you all so much ❤❤❤❤
Get thee to a therapist. You have unhealed trauma and maybe CPTSD
I appreciate your insight, but if my husband ever cheated or laid a hand on me there’d be no staying with him. I’m sure that a lot of people fantasize when they’re unhappy, but it is the most selfish and disrespectful thing to actually act on it. There’s not enough words or explanations for cheating, in my opinion. Self control is self control. It’s what keeps me from punching people in the throat.
every situation is nuanced and different. there are some relationships where it is irrecoverable and some where people choose to work through it and it actually turns out healthier in the end. your stance is my exact stance and is entirely valid but being open to the fact that others have made it through something like this gives us insight that we never would’ve had if every person gave up on their relationship after infidelity. i think it depends on the specific scenario and is still entirely up to the person who was cheated on or hurt.
I felt the same way until those things happened to me. Then I tried for a year to make it work still.
@@cerebrialfreedom I totally agree that it is scenario specific and people can get through it (I know folks who’ve come out stronger on the other side like you said). I was just stating that I am not one of those people and there’s no way that I would give my husband the chance to work it out. The older that I get the less disrespect or misplaced crap I will accept in my life. My spouse has dumped (misplaced) childhood trauma on me without cheating and that was bad enough. (We did work through that, for the record).
*Editing to add that I have respect for Jimmy for putting himself out there and have gotten a lot out of his videos.
@@cerebrialfreedomThe problem is that some cheaters don't learn their lesson or care. They will continue cheating, but you will never find out again because they will be 10× better at hiding it in the future. But I consider serial cheaters to be narcissists and narcissists will never change. Depends on how the cheater treats you in the relationship besides just their infidelity. Patterns of toxic behavior or just that one incident.
@@cerebrialfreedomit may be healthier on the outside, but I can tell you as someone who "forgave" a cheater, it eats away at me every. Single. Day. on the inside. I will never feel beautiful again.
The absolute whiplash I got from him saying he cheated. I mean clearly he has changed and grown by this channel but it's just not something I would ever expect. And honestly kudos for changing and growing that much. I had a little moment where I was like how am I supposed to listen to him now but I think I understand that that's past.
So we go to plummers for plumming issues, mechanics fir mechanical issues, but won't listen to cheaters about cheating issues.......hmmmm
@@kateruterbories2692 That’s not really a good metaphor. Plumbers don’t cause plumbing issues, they fix them. Mechanics don’t cause mechanical issues, they fix them.
Should we go to murderers for advice on how to save a life?
He has posted about this before in the past.
@@Amandcr I'm pretty new to this channel
Yep, the fact that you can’t always pick out who would be the type to cheat makes the idea of dating and marriage even more unappealing.
There’s just too many ‘what if’s’ and health risks with being cheated on - especially if you’re a woman (hello, HPV cancer!)
As a person and professional you couldn't get any better than Dale Valskov is a very reliable person and an excellent professional in the IT field. He is the type of person you want to work that's passionate, hardworking and knowledgeable. You’re The Best 100%
It just kept glitching on me when I tried this video tutorial so firstly I would say thank you for the video and secondly, thank you Dale Valskov meeting you was a blessing in disguise keep up with the good work I'm sure a lot of people will be needing your assistance iin the nearest future after seeing this
“To an immature or an unhealed person, a healthy safe committed relationship feels boring, and actually unsafe it doesn’t give us the chaos and unpredictably that our nervous system is used to, so we will go searching for that chaos outside
Of the relationship even if it costs is this one…”
Wow, interesting!!
My ex fiancé cheated… a lot. I’m extremely grateful for my husband, together 21 years, and neither of us have ever been in a position to violate our vows, thankfully. I find it hard to not believe the old adage… once a cheater, always a cheater. It’s the one thing that would break our marriage up. But GENUINELY, thank you for this video. I respect you for owning up and being REAL.
May God bless your marriage
It was 11 years ago. I will never do that again.
Your work speaks volumes of the kind of man you are. efficient, organized and result oriented well done , Dale Valskov you're soo good at what you do
Don’t be shocked when you fall when you’re standing on a slippery slope… 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
I liked that too!
In fact, hands-down, this is the best video I’ve heard so far when it comes to this subject. He addressed points that no other channel dealing with this issue has addressed so far, at least that I know of. He has a new subscriber!
i can’t even fathom staying if my husband ever cheated on me. your wife is an angel, i wish her the best.
Angela are martyrs.
It is easy to say you will leave, until it really happens to you.
I could never make amends with a cheater. My ex cheated on me, and it was the worst pain I've ever felt, and I've been beaten before. I was foolish enough to believe his apology and take him back, just for him to cheat on me again, despite him promising he'll never do it again. During that time I had really low self esteem, and I loved him more than I loved myself, so his betrayal cut me deeper than any knife can.
This sent me into a deep depression, and I contemplated taking my own life because I genuinely believed no one would love me. It was hard for me to trust after that, and I avoided relationships like the plague out of fear of being hurt again. It took me a long time to be able to trust again, and to allow myself to fall in love and be loved by my current partner.
Cheating is the most selfish thing you can do to someone you claim to love. And in my honest opinion, people who cheat on their partners never actually loved them, because if you loved them, you wouldn't even consider doing such a thing to hurt them, let alone acting on that impulse.
@@Freeasabird699 it has happened to me. it took me a while to leave but i definitely checked out mentally. i could easily say now that i would leave no matter how long we’ve been together.
You're not "not an angel" for this response you have to cheating. I just want to let you know
The TIME and EFFORTS you had put into this work that is beyond excellence . Take my cordial thanks! You are really an efficient, organized and result-oriented man. I haven’t seen such quality work in a long time. Great job, Keep it up.And i will make sure the world knows more about you and the good deed you have done for me, people like you Dale Valskov, with your help i was able to catch my cheating gf
Congratulations, Dale Valskov I am relieved that you are out there fighting these thugs, We musttake every precaution to protect the elderly and the general public from these despicable con artists. Congratulations to You!! You deserve the Nobel Peace Prize for ensuring our security.
Thank you for sharing. I never thought my husband would cheat. And we didn't do the things we should have to insulate our marriage. His affair is 100% his responsibility, but it didn't happen in a vacuum. For all the comments passing judgment on him and his wife, I pray you never experience betrayal. That you are never faced with the choice of divorce or staying with someone who betrayed you. I swore if he cheated, I'd leave. Many women do. Yet, when he did, I didn't. And many women don't. It is a very personal decision based on many factors. The biggest factor in rebuilding a successful marriage after betrayal is the ability of the cheater to show remorse and express empathy (and stopping behaviors that led to affair). This man is a poster child on how to accept responsibility for your actions.
No one should judge anyone else for their choices, which are fundamentally their own. He and his wife made the choice together and he is 100% up front. No one should be judging him for what is a mistake, one which many have made.
@@TheBaumcm Sooo true! You never know what you will do if put in that same situation. Judge not.💕
it isn't a decision it's rationalization
How can you live with that. And it will be a shock if you find out he cheats again. I mean, what you do is really difficult. All burden is on you to forgive.
@matinaki1644 I would have forgiven no matter what. Carrying anger towards someone is truly the burden, in my opinion. Forgiveness was for me. His actions aren't mine to carry, so I let him carry them.
Staying isn't easy. Leaving isn't easy. When betrayed, all choices suck and are unfair. His affair will never be ok. It has left a permanent scar and changed me (some ways for the good, though). I'm still standing and still with him through a lot of therapy and alot of work on his part.
I like your videos and shorts. Very smart and informative. The one thing I have learned after being cheated on is that your can’t prevent being cheated on. Cheating has to do with people own insecurity in the relationship. Find a person who wants to put in the work.
You’re absolutely right Chris, and I’m still very sorry that happened to you. You didn’t deserve that at all!
You know more than I do, but my mother said, lust and greed go together, smoking and drinking go together, lying and stealing go together. If we have a "rich" spiritual life I think we can fortify ourselves and as a couple. I have given up on finding a husband because I am at peace alone. No one tries to diminish my hope in God, that way. That is my well of joy and truly, always has been since a kid, although at age 10 I went to church alone and understood the scripture, loved the music and the "vibration" of the environment of church made me feel good- like no matter what, God is always there.
Honestly I want you to know that after watching your videos I'm always amazed by the sharpness of your perspective on both sides. Thank you for your hard work
Thank you! That means a lot!
In both personal and professional realms, Dale Valskov shines as an outstanding individual. His work within the IT field consistently showcases reliability and excellence. Dale Valskov possesses a unique blend of passion, dedication, and profound knowledge that distinguishes him from others. His unwavering commitment to delivering exceptional results renders him an indispensable asset to any project or team.
I’ve been on both ends of this. I will agree, when I cheated while in a loving relationship, it was during a time I was extremely insecure and immature. I had a hard time identifying and explaining to him what I needed from the relationship. And I also craved attention because of the unresolved trauma that left me “empty” inside, so i I sought out extremes.
It’s been 5 years now. I regret it until this day. He and I have both moved on. I wish I knew then what I know now about myself, and would never fathom doing that again. Seeing the way I destroyed another person per my lack of care was eye opening and still humbles me until now.
Thank you for being transparent and honest.
The fact you show regret differentiates you from many people who do the same with no regret. It is different.
This is why I trust people who have crossed the line AND learned from it vs somebody whose never been tempted.
@@ArmorofValor many are tempted, not to say all of us from time to time. In every relationship we are tempted to do bad things. It all comes down to where you put yourself and others in this life. If yourself and your needs always come first then you make really bad choices like cheating. Most cheaters regret losing a good thing because they got caught (if they lose it). They don't regret hurting others, not really.
@matinaki1644 no. People are more nuanced than that. People go through what I call "the perfect storm" where they are unhealthy, in an unhealthy situation and then get emotional support from the "wrong" person. I was faithful for 15 years and then got caught up in the "perfect storm". Repentence (and not merely apologizing) is the key. This includes feeling remorse for not only hurting people, but God. I will never do that again. It was pure suffering for all involved.
@@ArmorofValor I have seen people who are not in any "perfect storm", happily cheating for the mere excitement. Thank you very much, I stand by what I have witnessed. You may have a different experience when you made a bad choice to feel better despite hurting others for the rest of their lives and you repented for that. I don't see that for many people though. They simply go through like "I have a good relationship with my wife but I want more, I want excitement and newness". They don't give a crap for their wives as human beings, putting them in danger. They just want to play family and have a good time as single behind their backs.
Sometimes the betrayed partner heals but with irreversible damage. Say you're hit in a shrapnel blast from a grenade. Over time, you make a recovery - but the scars don't go away. The limp from the once-shattered foot doesn't go away. The deeply-embedded sherds that can't be extracted continue to leak slow poison, drop by drop. I found out my husband was cheating 22 days after our wedding.
I'm so sorry. Did you stay? I found out about the same before the wedding. :(
Your metaphor is bang on.... the scars, the limp, the pain, the slow poisoning. Felt every word.
My bf is contributing to the death of the relationship by not being vulnerable, shutting down conversations, thinking I should be happy with what makes him happy, and all the other reasons Jimmy mentions.
You should send him this! And leave if he still doesn't get it
@@ThegrayareawithYvette On its face he'd brush it off with "I (or We) don't need this.". He's not very self aware and I have to watch how I approach convo. Always have a question about where things stand, but I can't go back in time so living the consequence of what we were warned about.
When dealing with a fully self centered individual with sensitive ego, low self awareness, and limited empathy and emotional regulation(what is typically meant by a narcissist), it is difficult because they literally cannot see anything from the viewpoint other than their own. Whatever is in the brain is fact. If they think you did something maliciously, then you did. If it doesn’t matter to them, then it should not be important to you. I was with someone who told me that he saw us as the same person. It should’ve been a red flag.
@@a.d.b535 You need to leave him, honestly. Partners do not exist to tolerate/fix another person's flaws.
You didn't ask for advice, but I'll give it anyway: rip off the band-aid and stop delaying the inevitable. Your bf won't change until it's too late - and even then, he very likely still won't. In his mind, you will always be the villain, the crazy ex, the one who always needed too much... When in reality, he's lazy because it's easier to be in denial about how bad the relationship really is, than it is to CHANGE and show up for his partner.
Do whatever you need to do to get your ducks in a row, and then walk away without regret. Jimmy here is the VAST exception to the rule of developing self awareness after ruining his relationship. Do not expect your bf to do the same. Save yourself from another month, year, decade of pain, and stop giving this man precious years of your life you can never get back. Time is your most valuable resource. Use it wisely.
My biggest fear is getting married and being cheated on.
Have you ever been cheated on ?
I had it happen....and with my best friend at the time! Trust me it's one of the most gut-wrenching things to ever go through.
The worst thing that I experienced in a relationship is remembering how some of my own family members used to be... and how they changed for the worse... and having to treat those loved ones with my full guard up so as to not get hurt again... and had to accept mentally that they aren't family anymore while looking in their eyes and dealing with them...
It can literally feel like dying alone in the cold is better than experiencing these moments...
My biggest fear is being trapped in a legal marriage that isn't really a spiritual or loving marriage at all. Just a required lifestyle.
For you to be cheated on usually the relationship is pretty much over. In my experience it was like that anyway. We were having a rocky few months and I mean the worst few months in the 5 years we had been together and I was thinking of ending it anyway. He straight up said he cheated and I was like. “Well, guess that’s it then” yeah it hurts but it’s a lot easier to get over someone when they’ve done something bad to you. The worst heartbreak is when you don’t expect it or someone just tells you they’ve fallen out of love with you with no explanation as to why and just leaves.
“Stop walking right up to the line and then being surprised when you find yourself over it.”
That spoke volumes to me, as someone who consumes porn (my cheating) and it trying to quit it. Sometimes I might toy with the idea of watching it and open up the laptop and in a momentous blurry second I’ve consumed again. I’ve crossed the line.
I’ve realised that staying away from the line is the key to never ever crossing it
It sounds silly, but it’s not, we always want the easy thing in life. Our brain loves a good shortcut
Only use a computer in a public area, never use it privately
Jimmy, this video changed my life! As a person with a proclivity for balancing on my tippy toes right at the line, I can finally say I know that I CANNOT put off therapy any longer and need to deal with what happened to me as a young child.
This video changed my life, thank you so much!
This is the comment I was looking for. As one who's been cheated on (emotional affair) everything Jimmy said in the video resonates and makes sense to me. All the things I need to make sure I'm doing and being to help my partner feel fulfilled and not pushed away are important to me. And I nod my head in agreement with all the "don't go to the line" type comments. But I wondered if what he is saying makes any difference to the people who might cheat. Do they see in themselves what they are doing that could potentially lead to betrayal. It's good to see it impacted you. Thank you for your vulnerable honesty. By the way, I'm not saying I'm above or invulnerable to cheating. I've just not allowed myself to get that close to the line.
The efficiency of this Dale Valskov is next level. To juggle walk throughs of various angles on the topic delivered to-camera, differnet content per topic from various folks underneath the umbrella of the track list of the larger big band concert itself is engaging and refined. To make a dense taccess like this so digestible is really something. Awesome work jack!!
As a cheater (recovered), it’s so interesting you talked about the nervous system. I was so used to chaos from a previous relationship and I didn’t heal before entering a new relationship with my husband. I had to go too a LOT of therapy to not only understand my behavior, but to forgive myself. I’m so grateful for my husband for giving me grace throughout this journey.
I’ve been cheated on in almost every relationship I’ve been in except the one I’m in now. And yeah I’ve never been tempted to cheat back that’s a demented childish mindset. If your partner is hurting you knowingly, leave them.
As a therapist this makes me proud! Your language, your thoughts and reflections, your intention, and the clarity!!!!!
Therapist here as well….We are not highly regarded these days. I read so much negativity towards us and frankly, much of it is warranted. Our clients have been led astray by therapists’ personal agenda.
I’m very critical (in a constructive criticism way?) when watching other therapists “in action.” The power plays some put upon their clients is horrid. I don’t sense that in Jimmy. He’s very frank & some are offended by that delivery I suppose.
I’m vulnerable when warranted & put my clients before any agenda of mine.
All that being said….I feel Jimmy is spot on in his delivery. This is the first video of his I’ve seen & I subscribed. We ask our clients to do the work but do we do the same on ourselves? Jimmy is, I trust that.
Right! He says it in a way that everyone can understand. I love it so much. He explains it nicely and is key on hitting the most important parts instead of filling it with words.
Lol , it's a shame
Please work in your conversation skills sir
And don’t forget to look for the attachment theory.
Because the instant your partner don’t give you the attention you crave and thus you begin (subconsciously) trying to find the attention somewhere else, that tells a lot about your coping mechanism and how you deal with those things.
And this can be found in the attachment theory.
The way you manage your feelings and why getting out of the anxious or avoidant style is important and vital for the well-being of a relationship.
That’s where healing from past traumas becomes essential!
Otherwise you’ll keep your really bad coping mechanisms and choose very destructive actions to overcome the struggles you are facing.
Interesting
Can you recommend any book about this topic? I've noticed that I feel insecure if I don't get permanent validation from my partner that I'm the most important thing in his life... I don't want to be this way and I have a theory where this comes from but I don't know how I can work on this
@@Eman-tw5nr I'm struggling with the same. While i don't have a book recommendation, I can suggest you, what you should work on, if you want to stop doing it. I needed to learn, how to love myself. Don't get me wrong, after over 6 years of therapy, I still hate myself BUT I'm slowly able to set healthy boundaries, to look out for myself, to pamper me with small things. It takes time and small steps.
It is important that you talk with your partner about it, because chance is, they feel the same! I lot of people have self esteem issues. So you can try and learn it together. Open communication is the key because if we eat it up, we are going to explode on day.
There are chances, that there is trauma that needs to be worked on. I think, at that part, it's always the best to talk to a professional. There are some free options like groups but that not often available. Plus finding a good therapist, is like winning a jackpot.
I hope this help at least a bit.
@@Eman-tw5nrthe book Attached! Life changing
@@Eman-tw5nryou can start with “Attached” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller! It’s a great introduction to attachment theory and offers roadmaps to navigating relationships.
Account of mine also got hacked and I followed the method as explained in this video but I'm unable to proceed after recording the selfie video. Thank you Dale Valskov . It brings me immense joy to witness his name appearing frequently in comments, a clear indication of the commendable work he’s been doing.
I started to finally trust my husband again after being cheated on while I was pregnant with our second child, after a separation and over a year of marriage counseling. We also had a five year old. I also had moved over a 1000 miles away from the best job I ever had because of HIS job. We even moved back closer to home to start over. He went back to see her before we even unpacked. Once a cheater, always a cheater. He only regretted getting caught. Wasted 19 years with someone who couldn’t have cared less. I love my kiddos but he was a mistake.
I'm really sorry. My ex husband also cheated on me when I was pregnant with my first and only and like a dumb cliche soap opera he cheated with my once best friend since we were in junior high and she had been my maid of "honor."
He told me right before I got pregnant that he dreamed to be a father and was absolutely sure he was still happy in our marriage two years in.
I was in a terrible position having to consider divorcing him and then being forced by the courts to hand my baby over to him and my "friend" and imagining her holding my baby and pretending he was hers from my babies earliest memories.
I decided it would be over my dead body she ever got near my baby and she never did.
I hope you are okay.
@@ClaireGreen-wd2gm I’m okay. We were married 10 years before I had the first one. He never wanted kids and I was okay with that but when I turned 35, overnight he became obsessed. My thoughts looking back was that he thought of himself so highly that if he didn’t have children to carry on his name, the world would miss out. Who knows. He has definitely been a better father and provider for them than I ever would have predicted due to his behavior that caused our divorce-but he has also been a nightmare at times due to his narcissism.
@@ClaireGreen-wd2gm I hope you are okay too.😘. Thank you for your kind words.
I am in no way perfect but not sure I deserved what happened. My boys certainly didn’t. Love and cherish them.
Same situation for me 21 years ago. I left and never regretted having my boys, but he was a mistake. A massive cheater.
@@ClaireGreen-wd2gmhow did you keep her away from your baby?
Oh Lawd. I remember how I would tell an ex about how important it was for him to know and be honest with himself. His lack of awareness was palpable to me, and familiar, just like my dad. This ex would tell little white lies or casual comments about 'a friend', or about a towel I found in our car that wasn't ours. I always knew he was being dishonest and I felt as if I knew him more than he understood himself. I would just roll my eyes and remind him he can be honest when he is ready. When his betrayal finally came to light it was a relief cause now we could address it. My immediate action was to do my inner work to understand why this felt normal to me in my relationships. This ex's change took much longer and lots of big things started to be uncovered that unfortunately, two years post-betrayal there was no space for my pain and saving our relationship. I could not wait anymore and I left with big lessons in hand.
Omg same!!!
I found out my husband had been cheating on me 5 years after our divorce.
I think he started cheating on me fairly early in our marraige, as in, the first 3 months.
He was an alcoholic. Ladies, never marry an alcoholic.
Your wife deserves so much love and respect.
The acknowledgment of dale is deeply valued for recognizing your commitment to your role, Dale Valskov exceptional performance has been incredibly beneficial to me. Thank you for your hard work and dedication. Your fantastic idea was instrumental in the success of my request, and I am truly grateful. Your reliability is invaluable, and I appreciate your dedication and the quality of your work.
I'm literally overwhelmed, You are a blessing to the world. I can't thank you enough Dale Valskov for helping me with my account recovery. My prayers will always be with you and your team. Keep it up guys. Love from Maldives. There are many people out there I pray everybody get help.
I am glad that you emphasize how no one needs to forgive a cheater. If I was cheated on, that'd be the end, period paragraph. If I give my loyalty and trust to someone, and that trust and loyalty is violated, that relationship is not equal, has not been equal since that person cheat, and so isn't a relationship to me. Not a healthy one.
That's not even including things such as STDs. Imagine being in a committed relationship with someone and have never stepped on those lines, and you find out you got HIV because your partner decided you weren't enough. Now you have to live with the trauma of being cheated on, plus an incurable STD which people are going to judge you on, even though it was not your fault whatsoever.
This is what many people don't even think about. They are just afraid to be alone so they "choose" to be with someone who pissed on them.
@matinaki1644 thankfully, some societies are getting better at accepting and encouraging celibacy over a miserable or risky romantic partnership. I have hope it continues as you are so right about people's fear to be alone making them miserable regardless if they're single or not.
Who is the plant parent in this household? They definitely have a great relationship with the botanical kids! 😂
They enjoy the kind and honest atmosphere there. That's what strengthens them.
I came here first because of his plant shortz.. 😹
But stayed cuz of all the great advice and healthy relationship tips.
I was admiring the set up as well!
I was trying to focus on his words but…🌳🌴🎄🌿🍃🏝🌾🪴😂
I believe he said in his podcast that his wife is the plant parent :)
I was told many times that if my husband cheat on me it will be my fault. I couldn't believe in that but it always made me depressed. Thank you Jimmy ❤
The first minute and 15 seconds or so is why I follow you.
I would much rather take advice from someone who has been through something and put in the work to heal and recover from it, than someone who claims to be perfect.
0:00: 💔 The impact of cheating in relationships and the importance of learning from past mistakes.
3:28: ⚖ Importance of commitment, respect, and protecting relationships by avoiding temptations and prioritizing each other.
6:21: 💔 Recognizing emotional infidelity, addressing vulnerabilities, and exploring commitment to monogamy.
9:39: 💔 The importance of prioritizing partner's needs, maintaining connection, and putting effort in relationships.
13:04: 💑 Essential pillars for a strong relationship: trust, respect, intimacy, consideration, honesty, vulnerability, emotional safety.
❤
Cheating is the line that , once crossed, cannot be undone, and for me it would be the end of the relationship. I cannot and will not forgive a partner for cheating on me.
Kudos to you, Dale Valskov for your extraordinary dedication and hard work in helping me recover my account. Your efforts are truly commendable, and I encourage you to maintain this exceptional standard as you embark on future endeavors. The path ahead is filled with promise for someone of your caliber
It's amazing what you do Dale Valskov We need a lot of people with your skills and set who have good intentions and spread love
Much respect to you for owning your mistakes and helping others wether they are men or women
I cheated on my husband. I was disconnected from my husband. I fought with him to connect. He was lazy and didn't fight for me. I was drawn to outside influences. We ended up in a divorce. I learned what I needed to heal and adjust my mindset. I had to learn to communicate my needs. Thank you this is wonderful advice for if I get into a relationship again.
Stop blaming other people or external factors for your misbehaviour. Taka accountability for your deeds like an adult or never complain if women are placed somwhere between children and men.
@@Kritikanbringer that's what's she's doing in this comment though?
@@Kritikanbringer did.... Did you actually read her comment?
@@hilderenshof2476she said she fought to connect with him and he was lazy and refused to, it’s not his fault she cheated but she had needs. She understands her mistakes and is taking accountability that’s why she is owning up to it.
@@hilderenshof2476 Yes, she tried to externalise her actions like women tend to do and are raised to do always in order to avoid accountability.
My hypothesis is that it is a way of rationalisation after the fact if you are a person tending to decide based on and act on emotions, which usually make us behave irrationally.
just found out last night that my ex, who I broke up with in December, was cheating on me during the last month or so in our relationship (we had to go low contact for a bit because of family issues), and he ended up hitting on and talking to another girl. honestly, at this point, I wish I had never met him because he was not a good boyfriend, and I 100% gave everything to him. it was just a little less talking, but I still gave him everything.
anyways, I'm glad I broke up with him, and I dodged a bullet! if someone makes you question their loyalty to you, leave, because I had dreams and felt weird that last month. there's just that 6th sense.
Wow. Thank you for sharing. As a former serial cheater myself, and having grown tremendously, those choices have consequences that have followed me forever. I don't expect someone to hear my side, and it doesn't matter. I recognized the pattern inside me too late. Oh, the amount of time I could have saved working on myself first! But I was too hurt and too broken at the time to do different. At the same time, I've been cheated on many times. And so I've had lots of time to consider how I've made others feel...
It’s a saddening cycle. Being cheated in and then cheating. Yes, it is all a conscious choice, but I believe many would be saved if they recognised this pattern. If cheating is spoken about not either with praise or with direct condemnation. But with the goal for HEALING for both parties (this does not mean an automatic reconciliation).
There is a lot of extremely good information here-- thank you. I would add that emotional cheating takes an additional toll, in that all of the intention and energy that you should be applying to your relationship is now going to that new person. As you starve your relationship of what it needs to flourish, your unknowing partner will likely react negatively, which you then use to rationalize giving that other person more of your time and care. You have created your own vicious cycle.
A heart to heart conversation every day sustains a friendship along with love and respect, sustain a relationship.
@@Lyntique That should tell you something about yourself and where you were when you married him and where you are today with your eyes open. Stay strong and don't go. Be the example that he needs to learn to be with his mother. Never, ever put yourself as second best. Your happiness is your responsibility.
he's cheating on you with his mom. Leave him.
Keeeeeeep talking/ sharing. This information is so valuable. The right persons WILL listen. Been there…. On both sides🙏🏾
I so often see, “you are attracting emotionally unavailable people because subconsciously you’re emotionally unavailable.” and while that quote is very true. I was confused because I couldn’t find anything that would explain or sort though how emotionally unavailability can present within my self. But I felt like this video does a great job at that. Even though I haven’t had experience with cheating, I can see the pushing away from distrust or running towards independence patterns that cause disconnection. Thank you so much for your content.
Dale Valskov . I really appreciate your efforts and dedication towards the work. May God bless you to keep showing your worth and skills like this in the future
I admire your sincerity and the way you are highlighting the fact that cheating has not a 50/50 fault but it's the cheaters fault. Research says that the people that cheat have a lower emotional intelligence and a lack of consideration for their partner which does make sense because otherwise you wouldn't cheat and disrespect him/her. By the way how you speak it's obvious that you have studied a lot about psychology and relationships, it noticeable that now you are in a different place and you talk in the perspective of the partner which means you have a high level of empathy and compassion.
This. The reason for cheating is because they are a cheater. It’s not the other person’s fault.
According to some sources, people who cheat may have lower emotional intelligence:
Cheating and dishonesty can immediately decrease emotional intelligence
People with low emotional intelligence may be unaware of their own emotions and others' feelings.
Individuals who struggle with identifying and managing their emotions may be more likely to cheat.
According to one study, participants with high emotional intelligence are more likely to cheat than those with low emotional intelligence.
Other sources say that cheating can be a cause of infidelity:
•Lack of maturity
•Lack of knowledge
•Lack of skills
•Low self-esteem
According to some research, men with higher IQs are less likely to want to cheat on their partners.
Do you have the research talking about it? I want to read it if possible ^^
@@kimberlyzacha Interesting what you wrote because it contradicts itself no?
"According to some sources, people who cheat may have lower emotional intelligence"
and
"According to one study, participants with high emotional intelligence are more likely to cheat than those with low emotional intelligence."
I'm quite surprised people with high emotional intelligence are more likely to cheat. It seems impossible for me
@@xDiananasIQ is not the same as emotional maturity. They are 2 different things. You can have an insanely high IQ and very low emotional maturity at the same time. I have been in circles with gifted people my whole life.
Everyone's choices are theirs alone. We are each responsible for every action and choice we make. Your partner's cheating and every other action has ZERO to do with you. If you feel disconnected, leave the relationship. Cheating solves nothing. And you can do ALL the "right" thing, and your partner might cheat on you. Cheaters cheat. And there are those will NEVER cheat no matter what the circumstances.
\\
Cheating IS a symptom, agreed. However, the relationship problem it indicates is a two party fault situation.
@@TheBaumcmnope. It does not always take two to make a relationship. This thinking can be blaming the victim. I do not agree cheating is a symptom of a relationship. It is a symptom of a person who has a lot of self work to do. It is a symptom of cowardliness, selfishness, immaturity, lack of honesty. None of those characteristics which dwell in a person is the result of a partner or a mutual relationship.
@@TheBaumcm Unhappiness is a symptom of a relationship that is not thriving or is abusive. Any and all actions we take are our alone.
@@TheBaumcmif I work at a job where the boss is an asshole, my stealing from my boss or the company or lying to them--my actions would indicate a two party fault situation? Ummm, no. If I choose unethical, immoral or illegal actions--those are solely on me. One can never blame another for our improper, hurtful, deceitful actions with any real honesty and emotional maturity. That is kindergarten mentality.
Sure, explain how you were feeling when you did what you did--when dinner wasn't on time, you made me angry, so I hit you---okay, this is an unhealthy relationship, but that the person who didn't make dinner is not at fault for being hit....no one but the one hitting is to blame for the abuse---your choices are no ones' responsibility but yourself.
💯👏👏👏@SaffronHammer
One of my oldest friends cheated. Took us all by surprise. The shame & guilt tore her apart. Years of friendship gave me particular insight & I had warned her how it could effect her in life. Cheating was a result of a deeper rooted problem. Since then she has grown & l feel she has absolutely learnt her lesson. As her oldest friend I made sure she was held accountable for her actions & still loved her as a human being whilst making sure she got the help & guidance she needed. That’s REAL TRUE FRIENDSHIP, so for anyone whose worried about how they’re friends or family may feel it’s tough love and only real love would go so far so one can grow & heal.
I have a question that is the opposite of "Why does someone cheat?" And that is "Why does someone stay with a person who they want to cheat on?" Like if they're so bad and you'd rather be with someone else, why stay with them? Because it mostly sounds like people just stay so they can use their current partner out of convenience.
In your experience, it’s not that malicious. Rather, the cheater wants to keep the relationship but the cheating can be like a band-aid, giving them something that is missing and they are optimistic that the relationship might someday be better. It’s the guy who knows the girl is marriage material and she gets along with his family but he’s not really “into her” anymore. Situations that might get messy, when kids are involved, if your partner is violent, there are a lot of reasons people stay with someone under less than ideal circumstances.
Because they've been through a lot more with this person. Yes cheating is a serious breach of trust. People fail us all the time. They also come through for us. A relationship is a journey. Some people may see it as a step off the path but have enough history with their partner they dont want to disregard. It would be difficult as im not sure I could ever get comfortable with that partner again without wondering where they were or whatever else. Others may feel differently. People often don't let huge horrible actions from family end their relationship with that family. I think its harder for us to understand because of how personal and intimate sex/relationships are. Ive seen people defend family that does worse. Probably because doing something like battering others is harder to personally identify with than it is the betrayal of the ultimate trust we can give.
I stayed because I loved him so much. As much as staying hurt, losing him felt worse. I finally left but it's very difficult to let go of someone sometimes.
@@yyiyiyyiyi6837I could never make amends with a cheater. My ex cheated on me, and it was the worst pain I've ever felt, and I've been beaten before. I was foolish enough to believe his apology and take him back, just for him to cheat on me again, despite him promising he'll never do it again. During that time I had really low self esteem, and I loved him more than I loved myself, so his betrayal cut me deeper than any knife can.
This sent me into a deep depression, and I contemplated taking my own life because I genuinely believed no one would love me. It was hard for me to trust after that, and I avoided relationships like the plague out of fear of being hurt again. It took me a long time to be able to trust again, and to allow myself to fall in love and be loved by my current partner.
Cheating is the most selfish thing you can do to someone you claim to love. And in my honest opinion, people who cheat on their partners never actually loved them, because if you loved them, you wouldn't even consider doing such a thing to hurt them, let alone acting on that impulse.
I have no idea why people get into relationships, marriages only to later on cheat on the partner. It is a mystery to me.
I have been single for 12 years having all the possibilities in the world I do renounce all kinds of "fuckery". So same for partnerships, you do not have to jump on every boat that sails by, this is using people for self gratification.
I would say that people who have been in a relationship too long don't value it, if they ever did. It is like when you have food and there is somewhat left on your plate, you toss it. Would you do that if you had experienced being hungry? No, you would value it. Whatever comes easy isn't valued most of the times.
People get with people sometimes when they know they’re gonna be extremely successful. Like having a really good job and living a good life. And sometimes the wife or husband isn’t attractive, so they end up having a secret life with an outsider
10:34 You caught me red handed there, and I appreciate your blunt approach. I am in a healthy marriage with a spouse who I adore and I believe feels the same about me. But I catch myself afraid of “losing to the competition”, afraid that my relationship is too perfect and I’m going to miss the flags, and that’s why I’m here. Thank you for your videos, and giving me hope in husbands who earnestly seek to honor and respect their wives and maintain mutual trust and love.
Thank you for putting this into clear language. We had this issue 33 years ago, in the first decade of our marriage. We have now been together 46 years and it did require work to get here. I have ADHD and relationship dysmorphia. I was diagnosed at age 64 and it explained sooo many things. Even now, I am learning better ways to express myself and listen to my partner. He has done so much to learn about my diagnosis and the ways it affects our relationship. It is a constantly evolving process that has fulfilled me in so many ways. Never give up!
This is very valuable advice and I congratulate you, and your wife, to have made it through this rough patch and to have found each other on the other side.
What it comes down to, is accepting one self as a bundle of traumas, desires, and acquired concepts and trusting another person, your significant other, enough to share your journey with them, with all the ups and downs, because the binding force between you is the love you share for each other.
When they fall, you pick them up. When you stumble, it's their turn to help you find your way back. Problems are learning opportunities. That also counts for relationships.
(Always implying, you are in a safe, healthy, supportive, and respectful relationship. Otherwise: get out.)
When you center your life around your relationship, instead of your spirit, this is what happens. Cheating is complex and there’s no good one way of explaining it because it’s a result of so many things going wrong at once and the variations in the details depend on the people involved. If you make your relationship with another person your anchor, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. I want to challenge the notion that selfishness is entirely bad for us socially. Selfishness can be defensiveness, which we don’t want, yet it is also a requirement of good boundary setting. You must take care of yourself first before you can ever help fill someone else’s cup. Our inner intentions are the genesis of our outer life.
Idk when my ex cheated, I looked at it as an open relationship and had my fun on the side. He found out on his bday and was really devastated, but that’s how I had felt for months… I have no regrets.
Same here he cheated on me and begged for another chance but couldn't handle the consequences of his actions and decided to not try and cheat again I had enough and I'm currently cheating on him because frankly it brings me some type of joy
Jimmy...you are amazing , and you are so spot on and we can relate to everything you are saying! We are in counseling now and one of us is getting ready to do the deep within work to try and heal some past traumas and hurts which is causing a lot of issues in our marriage. The number one is emotional connection like you were talking about. We've been married for 25 years, and it almost ended a couple of years ago. I stuck with him and said that the only way we are going to make it is with some marriage counseling in addition to some self-healing like IFS Therapy! We have just discovered this intensive therapy and praying for healing and great outcomes! Thank you so much for making all of your videos! We absolutely can relate to all of them and feel like you made them just for us! You are nailing our marriage and our issues spot on!!! Amazing! We are both blown away how you are speaking to us directly every time you speak about the problems in marriages!!! Thank you again!!!
Omg! This feels DYSTOPIAN! Accepting a cheater, even in theory, is something inconceivable to me!!! I would seeth and rage forever and ever! And forgiveness is out of the question!
My heart goes out to that EXTREMELY RESILIENT Woman you get to call your wife♥️
Jimmy, seriously, the fact that you've Been working So Hard on your situation, & providing a Valuable community service, is going to pay off for you & your wife in ways you cannot even imagine. I'm glad you guys stayed together 👍🏻❤️
It's so hard to hear that you cheated but it does strengthen my resolve to always remain single.
How sad to lose out on love and children out of fear of possibly marrying a cheater.
A good relationship might have been fun but I would have been a terrible father. I knew that early on. Remaining single was just the polite and sensible thing to do.
This is so mature and vulnerable in sharing your journey in something statistically 1 in 3 couples will unfortunately experience. While NEVER justified, it's important to recognize that cheating can happen on either side and to recognize the situations that often can lead to it.
I am SO concious about all of these behaviors myself. I cheated a year after being cheated on- that year was horrible trying to make it work. I acted out because I was really hurt and lied to myself that I was happy with a partner who didnt meet my needs. Fast forward 6 years and now I'm with an amazing man who I have these conversations with almost daily because about our values and what is acceptable or not. I'm actively healing my mind and he is growing and maturing himself. Ive never been so loved. Ive never been so safe and trusting/trusted. We are honest even when its really hard and we set that standard the first day.
Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing your story again, despite knowing that people might try to discredit you.
You used your mistake to put in the work and have been helping others ever since. Me included. Your content has helped me understand my own emotion processing. And my marriage too, learning how to better discuss needs and set boundaries ect.
Thanks Jimmy, you're appreciated 🙏🏾 ❤🙏🏾
Thank you for being so clear! Be responsible with your emotional patterns. So so many people ignore it..they say: I can't help that feeling. That's complete Nonsense! Makes me sad.
I (female 27) am not in a relationship currently and i've been in an open relationship before, i realized how i don't want that; sharing my partner with anyone, or even myself. But currently recovering from that experience, trying to work on myself to be ready for something more meaningful. This gave me a really healthy perspective on what it means to take care of your boundries for the sake of the relationship. Thank you.
Kindly let me to express my sincere gratitude for the exceptional support and dedication Dale Valskov provided in helping me with business account. Your willingness to go above and beyond, investing additional time and effort, has been invaluable to me. The meticulous attention to detail and unwavering commitment you demonstrated throughout this process is truly commendable. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your outstanding assistance.
Who THE HELL IS DALE VALSKOV
@@theoriesicantexplain2433Some fake name that some idiot scammer is using and making themself seem more legitimate by setting up fake accounts to spam video comments.
You did it again. You explained a tough subject in such a powerful way. Thank you. ❤
Jimmy always does!! Agreed
I must say if this hurtful experience in the past has been an important part of you going as deep as you have been going, thus becoming the person who is able to create this immensely valuable channel the way you have..
You are doing the sacred work - turning immense pain into healing. First for yourself and your dear ones, and then deliberately choosing to put in all that it takes to share abundantly.
I bow to you for this work. Also I am learning so much and I appreciate it.
As someone who's been cheated on, it was pretty rough to hear you say all the things I agree with. But I can definitely take myself and my personal experiences out of the equation and be open to someone's perspective, and it's incredible to see that the person who is saying all this insightful and extremely helpful advice, and the person who cheated, are one and the same. Not to say some people just aren't jerks... But I'm glad you were able to grow and learn from your mistakes, kudos to you man.
Too many people in the comments making your wife a martir and making you sound undeserving. But a relationship is a two way street, it takes two to tango. And if you two decided as adults, to continue being together, nobody has any right to tell you otherwise. There's no way to nurture a healthy relationship built on guilt and regret, so I'm sure you know what you're doing. Hope you two fulfill each other, and thank you for sharing your perspective.
The wisdom Jimmy is sharing could only be shared so honestly and intimately through his direct experience! Bravo, for your courage, generosity, maturity! Your devotion to helping the rest of us finding our way is so appreciated 🙏🏻
He’s right about it being natural to feel attraction outside of your relationship. Sex and love are two separate things. What no one tells you is how intoxicating feeling desired is - not the sex itself - but knowing that someone wants you. It consumes and it has nothing to do with how you feel about your partner.
Asking to consider your partner’s feelings when you’re intoxicated with desire is like asking a drug addict how their doctor would feel knowing they were shooting up. Important, yes. But ask any addict: when the needle is in your hand, there is no world outside.
The implication that people only cheat because they’re addicted to the feeling of someone desiring them. If you’re secure in yourself, it’s not that amazing when someone desires you sexually when you don’t want them back. It’s actually invasive and annoying.
@@private755 It’s not the only reason people cheat. It’s one reason a certain type of person cheats.
What I found that helps is to recognise that your feelings are normal. Often the problem is accelerated by feelings of shame (you’re in a committed relationship) which feeds into that addictive “this is forbidden” salacious quality affairs carry. This turns into a cycle of “I’m a bad person, I don’t deserve my spouse” to “since I’m a bad person I’m doing this to drown out my guilt by indulging”. Pure madness.
Very few people want to do the hard work of analysing what makes them feel this way and I appreciate this video for its nuanced approach. He’s a fearless person to undertake such a difficult topic and be open to the criticism that comes with.
@@private755 It’s not the only reason people cheat. It’s one reason why a certain type of person cheats.
What I found that helped was recognising that my feelings were normal. If you’re genuinely happy in your relationship, feeling any type of attraction outside of it feels like cheating. This can feed into a cycle of “I’m a bad person, I don’t deserve my spouse” to “since I’m a bad person, my salacious desires drown out my guilt” in the same way something forbidden gives both pleasure and shame.
I applaud this man’s courage for making a video that has a humble, nuanced approach to something so difficult to talk about.
@@private755 Yes but that's the same for a substance abuser. They are usually attempting to fill some underlying void with their addiction. If they were completely happy and fulfilled, they wouldn't have the desire to be shooting up or binge drinking etc. Infatuation and attraction can be intoxicating to some people, or make them feel more whole or valid
Sex is addictive for a reason. Procreation…
The evolution is self discipline ..
My ex was a serial cheat. It took decades to figure it out as he was great at gaslighting the world of his sainthood ..
in his case it was entitlement . His parents enabled it..
I’m pretty sure most cases are not like mine .
Either way.
No respect . No relationship.
Know when to end a relationship .
Get help if you need to
If you can
Cheaters always find ways to make themselves feel better about cheating. There’s no excuse. No one falls butt naked on someone else like “ope! Accidentally cheated.”🙄
No they don’t.
You didn’t watch the video
@@mitchiegotmovesy7635
Don’t even have to watch it, have you read the comments? It doesn’t matter how you spin it, nothing someone else does can make you go out and have sex with someone that’s NOT your partner. The end.
Uhhh okay- try actually watching the video before you comment next time? Just saying.
@@toabettertomorrow7949 your sentiment that “nothing anyone else does can make you cheat” is something he says this in the video. He spends most of the video talking about internal factors that an individual can and should deal with to stay loyal and have productive relationships. That’s why watching the video is important. He doesn’t give excuses. He provides insights on his and others’ shortcomings and how it can lead to infidelity.
This is one of the realest videos I’ve ever seen online 😮😭🙌🏾 Thank you for sharing your story sir. Takes a LOT of courage to share a downfall or shameful act. But it’s when you’re vulnerable enough to share your shame, that you become a blessing to others!! I’m deeply grateful you’re sharing your truth. You’re on a selfless path and it will serve so many, including yourself’ keep going!! 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾🥹
I love how open and honest Jimmy is. What an excellent relationship coach!
Man - that 11:00 minute mark onward - Just WOW, you nailed that.
STAYING in the relationship after cheating is definitely the HARDER path. It takes a tremendous amount of work. It is easy to walk away. But if both people decide to work their asses off to preserve what IS working, then more and more things will continue to work and get better. It absolutely must be mutual though. Real love CAN heal when both people work at it and mean it from the bottom of their hearts.
Posture of the heart matters. If you’re thinking is “how close can I get to ‘the line’ without crossing it,” then you’re already in the mindset of a cheater. You’ve already infringed upon your integrity even if you haven’t “done anything” yet.
The question is never “how close to the line can I get” and always instead “how can I preserve and nourish my relationship I’ve given my commitment too to the best of my ability.”
I have this conversation with my children about following my instruction. It’s not “how close to the line of disobedience can I get without actually disobeying” but should be “how can I best show I love and trust my mom by following her instruction with a cheerful heart?” Obedience to my instruction is less about a list of rules and boundaries, and more about showing whether or not they’re willing to trust me.
It’s not about following merely the letter of the law, but the spirit of the law.
This subtle difference (which may look like it results in the same action on the outside) makes a HUGE difference on the inside, and probably determines whether or not the relationship will survive or fail.
Great message!
I just wanted to thank you for the videos you put out. I started watching your videos after me and my ex partner broke up after 3 years. It was a tough but great relationship, especially because my ex has BPD. I started watching in pursuit of learning from the mistakes i did and to ensure that i can also teach my next partner about these things if i find someone i'd like to be part of my life. I not only learned a lot how to maintain a relationship but also about communication with ANYONE in general. You don't take sides, you don't make me or anyone feel excluded, even if we were the one who messed up. I think the way you talk about these things is something i haven't stumbled across looking for advice like yours. I'm currently 22 and l think learning these things early on gave me so much more understanding. I abolutely love your videos and watch them just to understand different viewpoints. I didn't cheat, neither did my ex partner, but videos like these make me understand things i would struggle relating to or would feel inclined to form a bias against. Thank you for the golden words you're offering to anyone looking to improve themselves and understand their partner.
Greetings from Germany!
I appreciate your honesty, your vulnerability and your generosity SO much! Thank you Jimmy
Thank you for sharing your journey to a more fulfilling relationship. I must admit that I stayed in an unfulfilling relationship because I form very strong attachments with those I love. I don't cheat though I have truly given up on my partner and see him as a business associate at best. In addition, having lived within this hurtful relationship for so many years I am doubtful that I could be made to feel safe in forming an intimate loving relationship with anyone in the future. I agree with you that knowing yourself is critical when entering any relationship. In particular knowing your boundaries. My advice to others is, get to know your boundaries and don't form relationships with those who do not respect those boundaries. Be well.
I came back to this video only to thank you. You are helping me not only in my romantic relationship but also getting to know myself more. Please keep making these videos.
Great video! I didn't cheat on my husband, I have just divorced with him, because I was literally pushed away from the relationship. I have never regretted the decision. I am now 1000% happier than I was next to him 😊
THANK YOU for the raw truth AND how you deliver it !🙏!
Cheating on a significant other is the highest form of betrayal. You don’t do that to other people, unless you are a piece of shi-.
An older, male psychologist told me once:
(Paraphrased). It’s not that men aren’t tempted and aren’t mesmerized by some beautiful, intelligent, funny women. It’s not that we don’t sometimes look, or sometimes think about cheating. We’re human animals after all. But we have evolved to have compassion, judgement, foresight, intelligence, and even some of us have the capacity for empathy. So then, the best of us think about the connections we will lose if we are unfaithful, the hurt we will cause, the long term damage to our families and some of our friends, and we ask ourselves…is it worth it.
Man I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability. Everyone is mostly unforgiving on this topic, which I definitely understand but it’s hard to get over this roadblock or others. Thank you for sharing this!
Thank you for sharing, Jimmy. As a person who was cheated on multiple times, I appreciate your humility and honesty. I am learning a lot from you.