As a woman, I want to say that women need to do the same thing. Shutting my mouth and truly listening to him without insisting on explaining my views immediately helped me enormously to understand him, to help him defuse a potentially explosive issue, because he can see I care and respect him, and it helps me love him, because he, too, softens his approach for me to meet me in the middle.
And this is what’s unacceptable about our current state of women. That it’s acceptable for wife/mom to be absolutely miserable as long as everyone else is satisfied with her performance and output. I’m sorry. Demand more for yourself. ♥️
Very powerful! When people excuse their lies or claim "I didn't want to upset you" or somehow turns it on the other person might as well say "You don't have the right to hurt even though I caused you the hurt because I'm excusing my irresponsible behavior".
This is valuable insight for any relationship - I'm a teacher, and we tell kids all the time, "If they don't like your 'joke,' you don't get to tell them they're wrong." "If they say your comment is hurtful, you don't get to tell them that it wasn't." Maybe if we tell the children often enough, they'll be better at it when they're adults.
@@kicsms_science3729 This is what I've noticed. I used to own a daycare for about five years, and I noticed how certain anti-social behaviors in children come out in adults in more mature ways. It makes sense why our society is upside down, and it's not necessarily the parent's fault when their kids are in daycare 8-12 hours a day, and daycare workers are trained to tolerate behavior instead of direct or redirect! I redirected and directed in my daycare, and the parents gave me positive feedback on the improved behavior of their children in heir on homes. I even had one autistic boy who was only going to my daycare while he was on a waiting list for a special autistic daycare. But, his parents declined the specialized daycare because he was doing so well at my daycare. It's all about positive direction, teaching to regulate emotions, working within a group, and making good personal decisions.
"When marriages fail, it is not increasing conflict that is the cause; it is decreasing affections and emotional responsiveness" 😭😭😭 That made me cry. It is exactly what i feel. I feel emotionally abandoned very often. Sometimes as a punishment if i dont respond in the way or timeframe he wants me to. 😢
1) Don’t escalate - close your mouth and stay engaged. Don’t be afraid to start over. Self control and self awareness. 2) build a safe place for her by listening to her and building a safe place for her to share her perspective 3) ask clarifying questions: what are you feeling right now, what did I say/do to make you feel that way. Validate her and empathise with her hurt - even if you don’t feel it. Take the focus off yourself
Thanks. One thing that is just such a slap in the face is that I identified the problems in communication between my husband and I in the first few months of marriage. I said these things to him, but you can't talk your way into convincing someone to listen to you. In the flip side, I'm really proud of myself because I use "I" statements with my husband and keep the focus on my feelings and not blame or anything like Jimmy says to avoid. I'm even the one who tries to come up with several fair solutions to solve the problems and I ask him to come up with solutions, too, and please tell me what he thinks, but he doesn't. My husband has none of it. He explodes in my face, demeans and ridicules me, changes the subject to avoid responsibility, puts words in my mouth, interrupts, calls me horrible names or makes biting insinuations, tells me what my problem is and tells me I'm stupid/wrong/at fault for everything. He focuses on himself and his feelings, and he focuses all blame into me, even though I started the conversation to tell him my needs my feelings, but that message doesn't get conveyed. It's really, REALLY bad. He also broke my knee by stomping on it over and over, recently, when he was in an outrage. I can't walk for the next 12 weeks, and then I have to have it re-evaluated to see if it's healing sufficiently, and whether or not I need knee replacement surgery. I study ballet, and now I'll never be able to walk properly, let alone dance, ever again.
I know you and your wife have been through hard times to get where you are and I’m thankful that you two turned it around and used your experiences to help others. Thank you for putting words to my feelings and needs as a woman. I need the reminders not to be critical and speak more about my feelings and needs. Thanks for what you do. It all matters.
This video is gold brother. This one really connected with me because sometimes I feel attacked when really shes just trying to communicate ger feelings to me. Appreciate you man
This video is not too long. There is tremendous value in these videos. I know that this is titled for men but I just flip the genders in it and can see what I am doing wrong in my marriage. I’m sad I never knew the real importance of marriage counseling, but these videos have showed me what I have done completely wrong and how I have unintentionally hurt my husband. I was meant to come across this channel. It is truly a blessing and I hope it’s not too late for my husband and I to implement what you talk about so we can flourish. Thank you and your wife
Your content is EVERYTHING. And thank you for your passion. It's very difficult to express my hurt feelings without an argument or invalidation ensuing. The other day I bravely turned up the volume on your video and my husband overheard bits. It led us into a long overdue convo that helped me see things clearly after YEARS! I'm incredibly thankful.
He does the silent treatment and then gaslights that he was listening when he's oozing disrespect... Zero interest in my feelings or needs, just silent treatment and gaslighting if I don't cater to his self image as a "cute little boy center of the universe"
I hope you will find out what you need to thrive and bring out the best in yourself, instead. When he is silent, take the opportunity, to talk to yourself in your diary. There are tips on-line for how to do it. Take a guess about the next step, try it out, and on and on. Before too long you'll have a plan, if it includes councelling, that might be even better. But do start to center your life around your own core values. I wish you all the best and believe you can do what you need to do. ❤
These videos are helpful. Getting a male perspective is important. I am 56yrs old and recently married to a widower. Appreciate the content from the perspective of someone did not do everything right but is brave enough to admit your missteps. God bless and keep going with this, husbands and wives are listening.
It isn't a "male perspective." Women have been saying this for decades, but no one listens because ironically, it's women saying it. This is typical. Women will say things repeatedly in every different way even for dull people to understand it, but won't be heard because they're women.
My husband cheated and his response to my pain was avoidance and anger and my response was to create the same hurt in him that he created in me. Now that I've acknowledged that, we're trying to work through the damage. I know that this will be an unpopular belief but I feel that many of your videos (words of wisdom) can be applied to either partner.
I’m so sorry for what you went through Carrie :( and you’re absolutely right; this stuff always applies both ways because kindness and respect always go both ways
I agree, I’m experiencing the same thing and the other girl is harassing me,but I’m trying really hard to pray for them and save my marriage by learning what I’m doing and hoping this content will stir my husbands heart!
I definitely do not feel safe to share, and when I do, I never seem to do it the way he thinks I should. And try to be reflective of what he says and listen and not come off attacking him, but i still can't seem to do it right. It's I am just b*tching or nagging to him. I am constantly saying sorry to prevent a disagreement or him yelling. It is pointless because he just refuses to acknowledge he did it anyway and twists everything up. So we spend an hour debating about what I believed happened and him telling me he doesn't care. He KNOWS what happened for sure! (And if i prove him wrong all of a sudden i am being rude about it or it didn't matter anymore, and i am just being petty.) We never get to the issue that caused the disagreement. I end up just giving in and he make me feel bad for even saying or starting anything. So I just say sorry all the time now. But that too has gotten me into trouble because he thinks I am doing it to annoy him. So I just say nothing most of the time now.
@@jenuinelyme7533I deal with the same thing from my husband too, and it makes me feel just as you described. It sounds like you may be dealing also with some narsassitic behavior as well with him. That's very classic for them to do whenever anything to do with conflict or anything that might be requiring them to truly care about your feelings and concerns. They are very manipulative controlling and emotionally cruel and competitive and everything is always twisted around in their minds to be your fault and your responsibility not theirs. They cannot tolerate any criticism weather constructive and lovingly given or not. And sadly, if your dealing with real narsassitic behavior, even with counseling, these individuals very very very rarely are even capable of any real change. And unfortunately in our society today we are exploding with alitvof narsassitic self centered behavior being rewarded and promoted in our society today. Like the Bible says in the last days, people will become lovers of themselves. They can't face their own insecurities and Drs say that at their core these people are deeply insecure and feel they have to always be in control. They need the validation and admiration of alot of people outside your marriage so they always make themselves look like the one who is being abused and your the one who has all the problems and they always put on a public mask to the outside world that they are the victim when in truth at home behind closed doors, they are the problem. When they break you and bully you with constantly creating chaos and blame shifting to rework every issue to be your fault and they cannot handle or deal with accepting any blame or accountability for their part, they most likely will never change because they can't ever admit that there could ever be anything wrong in themselves.. they usually come from a traumatic abusive childhood and are deeply insecure under their false mask of confidence and perfectionism. My husband is constantly complaining about how everyone else in the world is at fault and he has a very unhealthy unrealistic mental view and attitude that he is always in the right and is very bullying to me and others who try to have a constructive conversation with him when he has hurt others or made any kind of mistakes. His family has a history of mental problems and was taught very poor emotional coping skills. He was also in the military for a long time and had relationship problems with almost every relationship he's ever had and all of his female relationships failed for the same reasons over and over and they were abusive emotionally so much that the women were in fear of his anger problems and his aggression problems. Narsassitic people are true predators in their relationships and their past history will leave evidence of this. They are chronic liars that's another Hallmark. They make you constantly feel like your not good enough and your always to blame in their eyes. They will be impossible to even try to have a calm rational serious conversation or conflict resolution to problems with. They will constantly move the goal posts on you to keep you in a constant state of confusion and fear. I strongyurge you to seek counseling for yourself with a hopefully good therapist who has alot of experience dealing with narsassitic and sociopathic personality issues because if that's what your dealing with, average therapists don't know how to help the victims of that type of abuse and it is abuse. These people spend their lives perfecting their ability to protect their insecurities and hide them and they literally view other people as their adversary or out to get them they feel everything in a relationship is about being dominant and in complete control over the other person or people.theyvare very low to nonexistent in the ability to feel real empathy towards other human beings.tgatvis a big red flag in narsassitic or sociopathic personality issues. They seek to dominate and destroy and overpower the women in their lives they are incapable of real love for others. And unfortunately you find alot of these types in the religious and Christian communities because they abuse and use the Bible as a weapon to abuse dominate and keep lowly and in submission they take the scriptures and twist them and take them out of context on how the bible says a man is to treat his wife and other women and other people they see themselves as little gods in their minds above all of the rules that apply to the rest of us. Be very careful how you handle them if that is what your dealing with. You will never change them and the stats show they very very rarely ever will seek proper counselling. If they do agree they will not do it for the right reasons they will go just to prove some kind of point and to control the counselor and try to make you look like it's all you with the problem to the counselor. They will never be humble to God or others. It's really very sick twisted and sad. It takes literally devine intervention to get thru to these types of people. They can't handle anything that they find too challenging or difficult yet they are plagued with some twisted type of perfectionism that literally keeps them from even trying to build improve or fix something they are very unteachable and very very arrogant
@@jenuinelyme7533narsassitic people will literally drain you and try to crush any happiness or joy in you or that you display they have to constantly be they most popular person orist entertaining or most admired person in the room to the point that they will publicly attack and put you and others down to destroy anyone else they feel may be potential competition to them. It's very sick to watch. But you'll know by their habits and behavior and current and past relationships.they are emotional vampires because they need to get some sick validation by sucking the life out of others around them and they certainly aren't interested in humbling themselves before God in any real way, they want to be a god in their own minds. And don't fool yourself thinking that if you just try harder or give them more of yourself that then they will love you properly and change or care and see where they need to change. Because when they've gotten all they feel they can take from you they will discard you or try to keep you around as a future emotional supply for themselves to draw from but they are completely incapable of real supportive behavior or love they always have to put others down to feel better about themselves they can't handle growing up in a healthy normal way my husbands father is this way and he did a number on my husband and he's very bad relationship skills had a very damaging effect on my husband to the point that inside he hates the word grow up and he hates women I'm convinced because of the way his father viewed marriage and how poorly he treated his own mother he took his father's side and hated his mother too. When I met his poor mother before we got married I knew in my gut that that poor drained sick shell of a woman would be me some day if I married this man. Sadly I let my family and friends encourage me to give him a chance because he was so nice and friendly and confident and out going and entertaining but inside my gut God and the Holy Spirit were telling me to stay away from him and with my own insecurities from my own dysfunctional narsassitic family members and my own low self esteem and self worth and the past abuse I suffered in my few past relationships. I am now trapped truly trapped after twenty three years of walking on eggshells and try to keep the peace to avoid the abuse I am 62 and because if all the stress I underwent on a constant basis by abusive people in my own family and my marriage it has literally wreaked havoc on my health. I'm riddled with illnesses autoimmune diseases heart problems severe arthritis and got to the point I could no longer work and support myself my Drs told me I had to retire and had to go on permanent disability and all I have for my income is social security and food stamps and it is not enough to be able to support myself independently. I cannot live alone anymore because of my physical limitations and my husband, like his father who did the same to his sick mother has made me a prisoner in my own home and keeps me isolated and mostly alone while he's out making everyone in our neighborhood think that he's making this noble huge sacrifice for his sick wife and he's such a good husband when that is far from the truth. He neglects me constantly and has always neglected our home especially after I got sick and couldn't do the physical labor of keeping it maintained properly anymore by myself. He's like and truly is a very emotionally stunted child who's never been able to get the help for himself that he desperately needs but cannot face inside himself. I've gone to have constantly reached out for counseling and help for our marriage and myself especially after years of trying but failing to make anything better in our marriage I finally realized and saw the constant patterns in his personality and relationship skills. I pray and hope that you will get yourself the help and counseling that you need to heal and cope and try to survive the abuse your under and I pray that your future will become better and healthier than it is now.
And the "joke" isn't at the right time. Like c'mon man, read the room and the situation. Smh. It's 2023 and my husband still blames my period. Ps I'm almost 40
That sounds like a backhanded comment and blaming for inappropriate jokes. Maybe your reaction was appropriate to a “joke” or a sarcastic comment that wasn’t funny or appropriate. You’re not crazy for voicing your experience or feelings about it as they blame shift and make you wrong for their inappropriate behaviors.
Last week, i told my partner i couldnt spend date day with him because i am too hurt by our past. He defended how he has been doing so much better these past weeks ( we've been together 11 years), then he switched to i attacked him while drunk so if he forgives me i should forgive him, i said no, that is just something unacceptable and if im attacking you we should break up. He then switched to well it wasnt an attack, but a shove, but he forgives me so we dont have to break up. I said i dont want to stay in a relationship where i put hands on my partner. He then called me a narcassist. I decided then and there, i dont want to be with a person who i cant say i am hurt without it turning into absolute choas. He hurts and i hurt so we have to stay in this is such a fucked up mentality. Idk why he wants to stay. I dont. I love him. But i dont want THIS anymore
He sounds very immature. As of he is in a playground with 5 year olds. Even at this desperate times he can't get serious and man up. Separation is overdue.
Did you by and by see that he stays for something he gains from the relationship, something that you provide, without him reciprocating in kind? You sure don't describe a healthy relationships where you could thrive. Next time bring this measuring standard: does the relationship bring out the best in me and do I feel liked, appreciated, and even admired to healthy extent? You can have it, you can provide the same! Give it a chance!
My partner constantly tells me that I unnecessarily make big deals out of issues, he's always right and I'm the problem! I'm at a point where my feelings towards him is numb. I feel i deserve a better treatment which he's incapable of but i don't want him to destroy me emotionally.
Leave. It will only get worse. Don't worry about "destroying him emotionally" because your existence "destroys him emotionally." Did you marry him to be his therapist and surrogate mother? If not, then leave.
Yes this is exactly one of the reasons I left. Any concern I brought up, regardless how gently, I would be attacked by everything that HE didn’t like, over and over. (Never new stuff, always the same thing) it was WELL YOU do this!!! That had nothing to do with anything I brought up. When I asked him if we could go to counseling, he refused so I went. Then he got scared and joined me. Almost 2 years in therapy, and His behavior persisted. He learned nothing. He is still clueless and blames me for everything -c’est la vie!!!
That’s exactly my boyfriend. Do all men truly believe there deflections and BS though? My BF without a doubt rejects anything I say right away out of fear he’d have to process something unpleasant. It is bizarre. He truly believes what he says. He takes it a step further though. Every single time we take the 4 hour trip to his parents lake house, I pack every last thing for my both of us and the dog, I pack the car, I setup snacks and drinks for the 3 of us, I download shows for him to watch on the iPad, and every single time he makes a big stink about how long I’m taking. Why am I bringing so much. Can I hurry up. Why he offers these things that are pointless and not necessary and just a waste of air is beyond me. I always get livid because I’m busting my ass to get us there usually because it means a lot to his parents. Once we arrive, usually like 3 or 4 in the morning, I unpack everything, I setup chargers, I make sure our stuff is where we can find it and need it to be, all the while he goes straight to bed. But not before saying how I did a great job getting us packed and here and he’s sorry about earlier. He does this EVERY FREAKING TIME. finally yesterday I said you complained again this time while I was packing and yet every damn time you take it back. Instead of acknowledging this truth he just says “I didn’t want us to be late and you always pack too much.” No. I’m not referring to anything about that. I’m saying why the hell do you say something that’s unhelpful, pointless, and it’s a comment that acts like I’m not in right front of you sweating my ass did off packing everything up. You think I pack too much? So what! It always works out. You know this. So why would you add to me stress when you know you’ll take it back. His response? “We had to be here on time we couldn’t be late and you know you always bring more than we need!” I’m like omg. I just don’t even know anymore. You’re still defending yourself. He complained the entire time we were on our way to the city that we’d be late and took that concern out on me. We weren’t late. He kept freaking about traffic. I said even if he hit another hours worth of traffic we won’t be late. So I do not understand the need to keep saying it. The weekend worked out fine. Yet, he somehow doesn’t see how he was stressed and anxious and took it out on me. He somehow still feels right and in treating me like shit. I don’t know if he’s mentally incapable of what I’m asking for. But I do know I’m slowly being driven insane.
@@JenelleD12 - Leave. Are you his mother? If not, that's what you're doing. He has made you into a surrogate mother. Give him ONE more chance. When he runs his mouth, look him in the eye and say "shut up." Yes, be rude. He sounds like he could resort to violence easily so if you are afraid to say "shut up" to a man who is being verbally abusive and making your life hell, then leave. It will not get better and you are not married to him. He is an overgrown toddler who has turned you into mummy. Alternatively, next time, you could pack your things, then go sit in the car and wait for him. When you get there and he starts crying about how you didn't pack his things, then say, "I didn't want us to be late and I know how important that is for you." If he has any inkling of self awareness, he will take it on board that if he is worried about being late whilst he has a slave doing ALL the work, then he can get off his backside and do it himself. Yes, you are his slave, and his surrogate mother. He is using you. You're even doing work to get to HIS parents. Leave!
This is an exact text he sent me... Seriously just copied and pasted... "You are who you are. You're going to interject your opinions. You're going to say things you are upset about I don't think are important." And yet, I WAS the problem.
Definitely not a waste of time: thank you very much! It’s not only applies to marriage. It applies to every relationship that matters: wife, husband, children, parents, siblings, extended, family, friends, acquaintances, coworkers, neighbors, religious affiliations, THE WHOLE WORLD REALLY… This advice is on the spot for everyone! Thank you, again! (to coin a famous phrase from TV show: “I’m listening.”
God I needed to hear this. I needed to hear that at least one man out there knows these things. I am currently completely overwhelmed by his lack of effort to change / to resolve conflict in a different way. I'm basically done. I'll try and send him this but - I doubt it will do anything at all.
Thank you for validate our women's feeling. I feel heard and understood. Unfortunately my husbend doesn't understand he hears something totally different. on your video about how you destroyed you marriage, he just said that he is happy that he is not the only one who fells like that. totally missed the whole point and made it about him as usual, i just feel hopeless at this point
My husband won’t talk. Has been chronically absent emotionally for many years. No amount of talking reasonably, pleading, texting or leaving him alone worked. I have now found out he has been having an affair with a 19 year old. I’m 63, he’s 55 and we have been together for 34 years. We are on our way to splitting up. He still won’t talk, apart from paying lip service to not wanting to split up. I am exhausted and done. I can’t see a way forward. I don’t trust him (i suspected he had an affair 5 years ago). I feel he only wants to stay in the comfort of our home with our pets and wanting to stay is nothing about me. I need to make decisions. I just need to find the courage.
Yeah fuck that, if he won't actively work on it, then I'd be out! Your still young enough to have another 30 to 30 years with someone who will value you and grow in a relationship with you. Sending you lots of love to get through the grief and recreate yourself. ❤
I personally made it a thing that anger is no way to communicate now. Anger is healthy is some situations but not with our loved ones. This coming from someone that had anger issues due to my bringing up and me not noticing it as a bad thing before it was too late at the time. We need to change the way we think and break those generational curses and influences that we were born into. Also, on one of your videos you made a skit about your man card being pulled haha such a funny scene however I found that you gained your man card not lost because if we man actually think about it we have gained her entirely and we gain everything that we ever wanted and most important she has too. She is our better half and we need to treat her as so.
“If she says she feels hurt you don’t get to say she isn’t” only works if it’s equally true that if he says I feel attacked you don’t get to say that he shouldn’t feel that way, both partners feelings should be validated. Shouldn’t they?
The roles in this video are fully reversible, I even think you don't need to be in a intimate relashionship for it to be accurate. It works with friendships and parent-child relationship to IMO. So Yes you are right! Everybody should be validated in their feelings.
How did you survive 48 years of marriage to your narsassitic husband?? I am trapped in the same type of marriage with no way out to be able to support myself or live alone due to severe health problems now and after 23 years of marriage to my narsassitic husband he slowly isolated me from all other support systems church and friends to make me totally dependent on him which keeps him in control literally over my options for support and help. What wise advice can you share with me that helped you to survive and endure your marriage where it sounds like you chose to stay in the marriage for whatever reasons you felt you had no better choice. What are some helpful survival tips and advice could you share that might be helpful for myself and others who have no other options but to stay and try to make the best of it while getting the help you needed psychologically spiritually physically and emotionally to last that long with your husband? Thank you very much for any help you can offer
she didn’t survive; he passed away. She’s now starting the healing. She’s now trying for the cycle not to repeat and be passed on to her sons. She evidently just kept in all her emotions.
I wish he would watch these on his own accord, but I don't think he's willing to face his own emotions / potential faults, even if it is pushing me -someone he says he cares about very much- away. he's choosing self preservation over vulnerability, connection, and closeness. he's choosing to hurt me over and over again even after I express those things to him as best as I can without being accusatory or critical, but no matter how I say it, it doesn't get heard and just gets argued. I don't know how much more I can take. I want to love him unconditionally as he had a very rough relationship with his parents growing up (narcissists/yelling/gaslighting/manipulation), but these hurts build up and we don't actively try restore that connection + we are long distance, so physical affection (what he says is his strong suit) is out of the picture. I want him to show he cares about me, and I make sure to tell him when he says or does something that makes me feel loved, but he doesn't remember in serious conflicts. I can cry all I want to him but his natural instinct isn't to comfort. he said he doesn't want to baby me, especially when he doesn't agree with why I am upset, so it leads to me feeling invalidated, unsupported, and unheard. I'm so very sad Jimmy... I want to love this man even if he hurts me because I want him to know he is worthy of love, but it's causing me to become self-destructive out of frustration, and I worry for my own well-being. I don't want to give up on him and we both agreed we needed to talk to a professional, but we have no plans to close the distance anytime soon, so we are currently in limbo, afraid to speak to each other in fear of having to end things. I know he cares about me, but if he doesn't actually do the things that show me he loves me, how much of that is him actually loving me vs me having to reassure myself?
Clearly it would be good for you to talk to a professional, so do it on your own, asap, you can report on your progress to him, if you want to, but you can keep it close to your heart, too. If money for therapy is an issue, there are good self-help books at the library that you can keep working with, to keep you company, they sure help to take the first steps. You do well to take care that you yourself heal first, as your foremost duty to your Inner Child! Be your own best parent, and your own best friend. Clearly, this man, though traumatized and very needing, doesn't understand what you need, so don't let everything hinge on him, please.
Great video! The only thing worse that feeling not hear is spiritualizing and shaming the exchange of feelings. Him saying that my feelings are fickle. And I should pray more and read my Bible more and I wouldn’t feel that way.
Always good, but loved the bloopers at the end and the random dude totally knowing you're filming but interrupts😂 We need to give him the narcissist checklist😂
I am a woman (it always feels funny declaring it like that) and I find myself relating to more of your advice that's targeted on men. Actually, I relate either way. Through watching your videos, I have realized that I have bad conflict resolution skills and tend to get defensive and then shut down whenever my husband tries to bring up his feelings being hurt due to my actions or lack there of. I need to work on this and really do my best to be there for him. I love him way too much for any of my insecurities, fears, ego or whatever else to get in the way.
I am having a very difficult time implementing the ideas. They make sense in the video, but during a conflict I revert back to attacking, name calling, not accepting responsibility, etc. However, this content is very motivational. I like the idea that a conflict is an opportunity. That concept really helps.. and also focusing on the marriage itself as an entity, rather than just the individuals in it. I am going to try to see the marriage as a goal and conflicts as opportunities. Going right now. Thanks for being strong enough to address these ideas bc as men I think we don’t prioritize learning how to be a better husband, at least I don’t . So thanks, hopefully I can use some of this information for better results.
I'll give you one tip that will do wonders over the long run: My AWESOME husband is the definition of the strong silent type, and he uses that to his advantage. He would always give me a 3 minute hug and kiss every day when he would get home...then he'd sit down next to me, with his arm around me to let me "vent talk" where I could say ANYTHING about anything, even him. Then at the END... he'd say "I love you so much, everything is gonna be ok." That's it. One sentence in reply to a long monologue of me stressing. Miracle sentence. I would thank him for listening and over time I felt safe, could rely on him, and began to see him as my hero. He was surprised at how much benefit came out of it. He started to look forward to it and began to open up more too, but he was NEVER EVER mean to me and it built my respect for him sky high. He assumed I had good will toward him, even if I was complaining about something he did. He would also do something with the info I gave him, he would correct mistakes I was hurt by. I knew I could COUNT ON, "I love you, and it's all going to be ok" and it always was ok, because I would solve my own problems after bouncing all my thoughts and feelings off of him. I would sort out what was garbage, or my fault, or valuable...and sometimes I would ASK for him to help me solve something. But listening was usually the best choice.
Practice. Hope you have a second bathroom. Or a shed/garage that is private. Get & look into the mirror & role play on your own. I mean, you see this guy do it on his channel. Write down the cheat sheet, practice your curiosity response, listening & validating (repeating back to her with understanding) response. Or the rescheduling response, if you know you're feeling angry and defensive. Who does things right the first time, without practice? It also gives you practice in identifying those feelings when they come up. Starting to practice self-control. And if she finds out & asks what you're doing, simply tell her you're practising how to listen rather than react because you want to be a better spouse...her response might be interesting.
Wow! You spoke from my heart. Finally aomwone talking about bad communication cycles without labeling it narcissistic disorder. Or any other mental illness. Sometimes people just get defensive or don’t know how to handle emotions, or lack in vocabulary or so eager to please that they can’t accept being wrong or making a mistake. Thank you for this. I have a wonderful husband but our misunderstandings become fights and I feel unheard, not validated what I’m feeling. Even when I say it in the nicest way. He is only thinking how he wants to make me happy but he thinks he is failing in it.
My husband doesn't respond or engage. Just sits there, he may say he's sorry, but most times just acts disinterested. He might (usually) sends a text hours or days later that he acknowledges my feelings.
Some people need time to process and I know how upsetting and frustrating it is, it makes you feel unheard, disregarded, and unloved probably... but if he is acknowledging your feeling after a few days that means he took the time to think about it... to me that says he cares, as long as he tries to fix the behavior you were hurt by, or whatever the issue was. My husband is very similar, if he doesn't get defensive he is how you described. I wish we could all just talk it out in the moment and fix it, but men and women are soooo different!
Alright, I've been watching your videos randomly the past few months. So my fiance and i just started counseling, and it's a process to start with your first 3 or 4 sessions . The counselor gathering info for their assessment and goals and what not before any talking begins. Which can be frustrating at first because you go once a week for an hour. Anyways, me as a guy i care enough about our relationship that i don't want her to leave. And the problems we seem to have most is communication or communicating in the moment of conflict. Now i have learned from previous relationships to not raise my voice to not cast stones at glass houses, and i apologize to how you say to in this video when i do something wrong that upset her or hurt her feelings. Now her not so much she seems to hold grudges or one thing that stuck out was "I'm sorry you feel that way" is a phrase she'll say to me among other things in this video. She gets loud and raises her voice she'll say things to belittle me or call me names. One problem i have is she feels like i never remember anything but in conflict she'll say so much and get sidetracked when she does a majority of the talking in conflict that i cannot remember it all or miss what she will get across to me and this seems to be our cycle. Me not remembering and her upset and frustrated with me not remembering to where it even seems like she'll do a guessing game with it and leave me to figure it out. Or she'll do something that will hurt my feelings or upset me make me feel some kind of way that when i bring it to her attention it's almost as if she'll switch it around on me like she'll get upset with me because I'm upset with her and get loud with me and then carry it on being upset with me until we go to sleep then it's the next day. But sometimes, in moments like that, she'll be like well i did it because you did this. Which doesn't make me feel any better or even Address how I'm feeling IDK lately it's like i get to sit with that hurt to my own thoughts and feelings. Don't get me wrong we do have good days but this is what seems to go on in conflict.
Indeed, it is not an uncommon pattern. Very upsetting. It seems to me it could help admitting that this way of discussing, makes your brain and heart overwhelmed, so you want to write her main points down and have them handy to really remember what is most important to her and how you could do it better, and then also say that you want her to reciprocate in a similar approach. You both have wishes and needs, right? But maybe handle one at the time, and take time (weeks) until you are through with all the important ones. It can take even more time. Promise her that you will stay and take that time - she'll need not stay in a scared frenzy. You'll be methodical and determined! Hold her hands and look into her eyes, when you make that promise, and then hold her in your arms and take in the lovely smell of her hair for many minutes. Just like that. Take her for slow walks hand in hand. Watch flowers, trees, clouds, waves, and stars - calms a troubled soul down. Wish you all the best!
Your videos help!!! I had to start with one that really pointed out how “she” has things to work on pretty heavy first but asked him to please watch it and let me know what he heard and naturally it was all the things he could see that I need to do and I agreed then broke the ice on how well you break things down for couples…. HE AGREED (probably because it was centered on my faults 🤣)!!! Then I was able to slide one his way that was more centered in his role in conflict and he couldn’t deny how obvious it was he needed to make some changes. Thank you!!! You are very much appreciated and centered on it takes two to fail and two to succeed ❤️ So ladies if you want to get your man to check these videos out maybe try that approach…. Much love and good luck!!
You can never be a straight shooter with men, ladies! Take a feminine approach, and let the wisdom slide in! 😀 It is the result that counts. Do you want to be right, or happy? Thanks Kelly, this was adorable advice! 😍
I appreciate your videos. I have been married 37 years, and I live in a house that's been torn up and renovation projects started and never finished. My😢husband is a good man and mostly means well. He does not understand how badly the clutter of having his tools and building materials all over the house bothers me. Every time I say anything it turns into an argument and I am told that I harp on him and that he can't please me no matter what he does. I try very hard to compliment and thank him for the things he does, but I am just so frustrated. I have been waiting 15 years for my craft room to get finished. The baseboards are stacked in the hallway and no trim around the doors. No doorknobs. He piles tools and projects in the room and makes it difficult for me to work in there, and when I say anything about it, he blows up at me. Then he complains about me to his coworkers. I usually just don't say anything. He broke something in my craft room yesterday and blew up at me about my stuff in his way. My stuff is displaced by his stuff that isn't supposed to be there. I struggle to feel like I have a home. I feel more like a squatter in his shed.
I understand what you are describing. If it helps at all to know you aren't the only one experiencing this in your home. I now understand that my husband and I have vastly different ideas on what a home needs to be in order for it to be a place we are happy in. I need beauty, cleanliness, organization. He needs shelter from the rain, a place for his stuff, a place to sleep, eat and bathe. The differences are enormous. Pet hair and dust don't even hit his radar. Hand prints on walls and doors are proof of a tough job he successfully completed. If they stay there for weeks it's a happy reminder of his accomplishment. Grrrr!!!
I struggle to see how he's a good man that means well through this description. It seems you're the one that's too good and forgiving to an awfully selfish man, pains me to say.
Take some initiative and learn how to do projects yourself. You don’t need to wait 15 years when you’re fully capable. UA-cam has free information on how to build anything
THANK YOU SIR for all you do and say. A lot of what you said in this video pertains to me as yhe wife. I grew up as pretty much an only child listening to my mom and boyfriend or what husband she had at the time, fighting. The yelling and hitting is something I knew I didn't want when I got married. My husband grew up the 6th out of 7 children with 5 older sisters. He is very good at listening. He is very good at stopping whatever he is doing to listen to my concerns or answering my phone calls...EVEN when he is in the middle of working. He works so hard for our family of 9. I however, am the one that gets very offended for little things, giving the silent treatment (because I don't know what to say). I will say though, because we both grew up with parents yelling and hitting, we chose right away (23 years ago) to not yell. God can't really guide you if you're putting that wedge in between you amd Him. Especially in that moment when you probably need Him the most. We do apologize a lot to each other when we say or do something that hurts the other. Our disagreements-- we calmly talk it out. I love your channel and your look on things. You are helping me and my husband, because we both watch. He is deployed currently, so this is giving us time to talk about each one of the videos we watch. We have had some of those hard conversations now that I had no idea what to say or how to bring them up. God has definitely given you a gift. I thank you greatly for sharing and opening up on relationships and marriage. I also enjoy the humor you put in your videos! Life should be enjoyable. Thank you and God bless you!
Ty Ty Ty Ty, I’m sooo glad I found your content. I’ve been praying for the right help, it’s been hard to explain to my husband this kind of language. He is actually listening to you. Ty for ur humor honesty and experience. I believe with what u r doing ur going to be used to save many miserable marriages broken marriages and hurt women. Praying that we don’t loose our husband over lack of knowledge and thinking we know everything with no searching for all the truth benefits God I rented for marriage to be! Ty I pray God blesses ur content and that it reaches all the people that are crying out for help and I pray this helps marriages to not end in divorce but to strive to experience the true beauty in what marriage is
Hay Jimmy, you said something that hit me hard. Something I have said. "Your feelings are not my responsibility " Could you expand on how you may think about your wife feelings are your responsibility?
Well, you're absolutely right Josiah, her feelings aren't our responsibility. BUT, if we value her and love her, we will honor her perspective and listen to understand her feelings, and what might have lead to them, etc. That doesn't mean we taken ownership of them, that doesn't mean we take blame for them, that doesn't mean we agree with her perspective that we were in the wrong every time, we can agree to disagree on some of those points, but when we love someone and respect someone we listen because we care. When we say "your feelings aren't my problem", 99% of the time what we really mean is "you need to change your feelings because you're blaming me for them." which obviously doesn't validate or help the situation at all. But I totally understand where you're coming from.
Agreed! I tell to people pleasers in therapy that they “aren’t responsible for other’s feelings” however, my husband used those words on me in an argument. I was addressing the impact he had on me and then used this to escape accountability and I felt gaslit. Thoughts? Great content!
@@Manicpixiedreamer You're absolutely right. There's two issues here in my mind. People in fact, aren't responsible for my feelings. And yet, we all know, our intimate partners absolutely affect our feelings, positively or negatively. There's no doubt about that. And the problem is, when a partner either yells or dismisses us saying "well I'm not responsible for your feelings!" While they are correct, they are usually doing it as a way to refuse any accountability for their hurtful words or behaviors ya know? They aren't validating, they aren't empathizing, they aren't seeking understanding, they are dismissing the hurt, and that's never healthy or helpful either.
I absolutely love and appreciate you and what you do here! I'm sorry for the long comment. 😅 This, along with a handful of other reasons, is why my 1st marriage completely fell apart. In only 2 to 3 years... It seems he just wanted convenience. He is the same way with his friends and family as well. However, When I see or find a video that speaks to me, calls me out on mine or my new partner's shortcomings and/or behavior, and/or even educate me/us on things that we thought we weren't doing but didn't realize it, didn't know at all, and/or thought we were going about things right but really was making it worse, it helps so much. Your videos have truly opened my mind and heart and are helping me in my new relationship now. I watch the videos and explain it to my partner, almost word for word, and it seems to click with him and we do our best to implement what we learn. We also individually go to counseling and are open to couples counseling, too. We both thank you! Because of what you do here, we have a better understanding of how to build a safe, sturdy, and loving foundation for us to begin our journey together. Peace, love, light, and health to you and your kin! And Happy Holidays 😊
What if I'm constantly offering my wife that safe space to open up about her feelings and she still refuses, just only dry conversations that lead to nowhere!!!
Both partners have an equal partnership it's 50 percent for each person. Both have a part in the relationship. It takes two people. It is not one-sided. Both can be heard. Both be open in a relationship. It is a lot hard at the moment when being triggered. I like this Jimmy. Being stuck in a negative feedback loop is what I do.
This video is incredible!! It’s everything I’ve tried to say because you’ve mentioned everything he has said or done and it’s astounding!!! This is my second favorite video, you’ve said and covered it perfectly! Thank you so much, it’s incredible!
When I had a bad day at work, I wanted to vent. Home was the only safe place to get it out. But he in his man brain thought 'problem -> solution'. He also thought that my rewording of the issue was what I actually said in public (like all the lovely swear words I needed to use in my upset). I had to finally tell him "I didn't actually want an answer. I just wanted you to listen." It kept happening though even though I tried communicating that clearly and calmly. So I more often complain at work than I do at home.😢
I'd love for you to record some of these reversing the gender roles. I'm trying to see if I can recognize some of these faults in myself because I believe and am being told that I am the big problem in our marriage.
I was coming to say something very similar. I connect with so much from the "woman's" perspective BUT I also know I am a lot of the one creating the conflict and drama and cutting off and being loud and aggressive etc.
If you’re being told you’re the problem, that’s a sign of a toxic partner imo. A healthy partner understands that the root of conflict is not a good and bad person,it is unmet needs and crossed boundaries. You are not the big problem. You’re human so you have problems but so does your mate. Blame shifting only means nobody will take responsibility for any of those problems which means nothing will change. Depressing right?
I would add - try to talk about things before it blows up. I find, too often, they have to get to a certain point to bring it up, and it's usually when they're exploding. Bring it to the table when you can talk about it from a calm space, not when you are reactionary.
I’m in dire need for someone to tell my why being so emotional is helpful. In all my line of work and in my upbringing (Hispanic household and veteran dad) that being so emotion gets you nowhere in life. I’ve found that to be true. Why does being overly emotional help a man lead a household ? I
Some men just refuse to be in a position of uncomfortableness. Intimacy, affection, etc are areas that place them there and because some refuse to do the work, anything that makes them feel less than (I. E. Areas of discomfort) they avoid like the plague 😑
I wish my husband would take the opportunity to just listen to you a little bit. He would never do anything like that unfortunately. I just filled out the legal separation paperwork today. 13 years wasted! 😢
I am printing the papers off to be signed soon. It is just so hurtful. I'm not a victim or anything but man!!!! When you signed up for something and it's not reciprocated...or when you're doing your work and your hard part for the greater good and they don't reciprocate. They do nothing but the same thing then blame me bc I'm giving up. Blame me bc I'm always complaining. Blame me bc nobody else is having this conversation
@Shawn Grissom absolutely! 💯 they will watch you do 150% of all the work and effort and get mad when you ask for 2% of effort on their part. U give and give and give until you realize no matter how much you give, it will never be enough for someone who is only interested in taking.
@@aleksisgamer4477 yes!!!! I haven't asked God why in a long time but I just cried and asked Him like why is it like this? Surely You love Your daughters and there must be more to it than this, I just don't know what it is
@mama-cita yeah I begged to go to counseling. His reply verbatim, "Wouldn't you rather me do it my way and learn on my own than have someone tell me what to do? If im just doing what someonetells me to then whats the point?" But yet he has used the excuse that he never learned how to be a good husband so I can't hold that against him. Just another excuse to not change or learn a new way.
Wise man... As i watched this im single yet i wish my mother could hear this... obviously not ALL PARTS apply, but the core truths apply to my child/parent relationship. But hear it applied to OUR relationship. I dont think anyone ever gave her this and therefore its the only way she knows how to be.... I watch hoping to not repeat mistakes and understand the other side as well.... And that i dont do this to my children...
Very beautiful and helpful It's interesting to see that the video is about men being open and vulnerable and a lot of women already saw the video and responded. Your assignments for us men are hard but worth trying. I am struggling with my marriage nowadays ❤👍
When my husband comes at me with a raised voice, I’ll hold one hand up and say “I can’t hear you when you are yelling at me.” That usually helps calm the situation a little bit.
my husband doesn't believe in I'm sorry. Not saying it, not thinking it....I don't even get to be sorry. Sorry to me means I acknowledge that I've hurt you in some way and I I'll try not to do that again
Mine is the same, sorry is a taboo! Worst part is he wants to be present in church each Saturday. What a hypocrite and a sad person. I’ve mentally checked out & I’m checking for me now. Suggest you just love yourself gently, everyday. Good luck with your mental health
This reminds me of the practice of Deep listenin, a Buddhist practice of shifting our focus from talking to mindful listening. In so doing, we can overcome egocentricity. It helps us change habitual self-referencing to engage with the world from the perspective of others. Means understanding the other person, and LISTENING WITHOUT JUDGING OR REACTING. I am listening to him/her not only because I want to know what is inside him /her or to give advice. I am listening to him/her just because I want to relieve his/her suffering. It requires much practice, because even if the other person is saying what we consider wrong perceptions, the time to correct them is not that, the only goal is to relieve their suffering, because wrong perceptions comes from suffering and once that we learn no to form inner or outer judgement, but instead we learn to become an empty space for the other person to unfold, the suffering ends, they have feel really listened and the inner wisdom in the other person arises, so they are not afraid to be vulnerable and eventually let go of those wrong perceptions. It requires a great deal of humility, compassion, love and surrender of the ego, work with yourself before working with your couple, that way you’ll know your value does not depend on being right or wrong. Deep listening is a practice we all have to do, do not wait the other person does it first. Something I’m just learning to do myself, sometimes I do it right, sometimes I fail but keep trying.
Fascinating the parallels- because also, there’s less and less sex because so many men think a woman is happy with five minutes of sex. They think they are interested in her pleasure, but they literally aren’t patient or curious or willing to hold on and give her time and attention to have her REAL pleasure. Self control and maturity and vulnerability need to show up in bed as much as everywhere else, and a man who lasts five minutes on the regular in bed will definitely lose his partner. This preconception that men are the ones who want se. The most is so ridiculous. It’s just that women who are completely neglected in bed lose interest completely. Give a woman time and give her something to enjoy- she wants more, not less, but she knows she won’t get it from You or anyone, because 99 percent of men have no interest or discipline in this area. We need to raise this awareness too. The bedroom parallels the relationship in general. More sex, hate to say it guys, but it requires MORE SEX. Not five minutes.
I really need help with my marriage.. it is falling apart and I am completely lost with what to do.. I feel like we both have separate realities of what we are both seeing and believing. I feel like we need some kind of counseling to mediate our conversations that quickly turn into interrogations and from then stem into really out of control arguments..
Yes, councelling is a great idea - start that on your own, if your partner doesn't come along. Just do it! It can help your sanity and your marriage, too!
Want to add one thing I’ve been learning: Shame. Sometimes when people feel shame for what they have done, it is so uncomfortable, they want to hand it right back to the one they have hurt. By blaming the hurt one for being hurt. Example : spouse spends too much and says “what! Are you my account now? So the frugal spouse is now shamed. And the guilty one is now the victim. Or porn: WTH?! Are you looking at my history! What is wrong with you! So the one cheated on is shamed and the one who did the cheating is the victim. Or spouse says harsh things: OMG! You are actually upset about that! Guess I’ll walk on eggshells from now on! The one hurt is just “over sensitive” while the poor mean one is victimized by having to walk on eggshells.
I have learned so much from watching your videos but it’s so hard when your partner is not on the same page and is always playing the victim I need to find therapy for us can you help me find someone in my area please I live in northwest Indiana Thank you and please continue to make your videos and educate us 😘❤️🙏
Jimmy, would you mind making a video that us women can send to our boyfriends/husbands? We could send them clips like these but I'm sure they would feel attacked. Just an idea. Thank you for all that you do! God bless you.
I realize this video is too long haha I couldn't shut up...
Not too long at all!
@@dvdh4856 You're too kind! =)
Just keep putting out the information! We're here for it!
@@tlingitgirl07 You're so kind!!
No because you kept layering great points and expanding on them! Thank you
As a woman, I want to say that women need to do the same thing. Shutting my mouth and truly listening to him without insisting on explaining my views immediately helped me enormously to understand him, to help him defuse a potentially explosive issue, because he can see I care and respect him, and it helps me love him, because he, too, softens his approach for me to meet me in the middle.
Well said. Women can easily exacerbate conflict too by over explaining, speaking disrespectfully and/or not giving their partner a chance to speak.
You are a unicorn
Came here to say this too. These were helpful words for me to hear.
People need parents who know this so they’d be raised in it & understand it in their talons & in their beaks.
Or uh…nails, fingers, & teeth?
Even though my husband will never apply any of your advice at least I know why I'm so depressed.
I'm so sorry Jennifer, I don't want you to be depressed =(
M2
And this is what’s unacceptable about our current state of women. That it’s acceptable for wife/mom to be absolutely miserable as long as everyone else is satisfied with her performance and output. I’m sorry. Demand more for yourself. ♥️
The words never and always applied in negative tone are killers in relationship.
I can totally relate. They all make me know I’m not crazy or this or that like I’m being told I am.
“If you hurt her, YOU don’t get to decide that you didn’t “
What a powerful statement!!!! ❤❤❤
Very powerful! When people excuse their lies or claim "I didn't want to upset you" or somehow turns it on the other person might as well say "You don't have the right to hurt even though I caused you the hurt because I'm excusing my irresponsible behavior".
This is valuable insight for any relationship - I'm a teacher, and we tell kids all the time, "If they don't like your 'joke,' you don't get to tell them they're wrong." "If they say your comment is hurtful, you don't get to tell them that it wasn't." Maybe if we tell the children often enough, they'll be better at it when they're adults.
@@kicsms_science3729 This is what I've noticed. I used to own a daycare for about five years, and I noticed how certain anti-social behaviors in children come out in adults in more mature ways. It makes sense why our society is upside down, and it's not necessarily the parent's fault when their kids are in daycare 8-12 hours a day, and daycare workers are trained to tolerate behavior instead of direct or redirect! I redirected and directed in my daycare, and the parents gave me positive feedback on the improved behavior of their children in heir on homes. I even had one autistic boy who was only going to my daycare while he was on a waiting list for a special autistic daycare. But, his parents declined the specialized daycare because he was doing so well at my daycare.
It's all about positive direction, teaching to regulate emotions, working within a group, and making good personal decisions.
"When marriages fail, it is not increasing conflict that is the cause; it is decreasing affections and emotional responsiveness" 😭😭😭 That made me cry. It is exactly what i feel. I feel emotionally abandoned very often. Sometimes as a punishment if i dont respond in the way or timeframe he wants me to. 😢
My spouse stops the discussion but never brings it back up to resolve. Then says I never let anything go. I believe that’s stonewalling.
It’s definitely avoiding and blocking intimacy and connection :(
Mine does the same. If I try to talk about anything he calls me a nag or says I just want to fight.
I’ve been trying to insist on actually rescheduling to a specific time/day before pausing the discussion. Maybe that helps?
@@dvdh4856 Such a great idea!
Ditto or the constantly living in the past
1) Don’t escalate - close your mouth and stay engaged. Don’t be afraid to start over. Self control and self awareness.
2) build a safe place for her by listening to her and building a safe place for her to share her perspective
3) ask clarifying questions: what are you feeling right now, what did I say/do to make you feel that way. Validate her and empathise with her hurt - even if you don’t feel it. Take the focus off yourself
Thanks.
One thing that is just such a slap in the face is that I identified the problems in communication between my husband and I in the first few months of marriage. I said these things to him, but you can't talk your way into convincing someone to listen to you. In the flip side, I'm really proud of myself because I use "I" statements with my husband and keep the focus on my feelings and not blame or anything like Jimmy says to avoid. I'm even the one who tries to come up with several fair solutions to solve the problems and I ask him to come up with solutions, too, and please tell me what he thinks, but he doesn't.
My husband has none of it. He explodes in my face, demeans and ridicules me, changes the subject to avoid responsibility, puts words in my mouth, interrupts, calls me horrible names or makes biting insinuations, tells me what my problem is and tells me I'm stupid/wrong/at fault for everything. He focuses on himself and his feelings, and he focuses all blame into me, even though I started the conversation to tell him my needs my feelings, but that message doesn't get conveyed. It's really, REALLY bad.
He also broke my knee by stomping on it over and over, recently, when he was in an outrage. I can't walk for the next 12 weeks, and then I have to have it re-evaluated to see if it's healing sufficiently, and whether or not I need knee replacement surgery.
I study ballet, and now I'll never be able to walk properly, let alone dance, ever again.
& vice versa, emotional strength is important in both sexes.
Thank you for this! ❤❤❤
I know you and your wife have been through hard times to get where you are and I’m thankful that you two turned it around and used your experiences to help others. Thank you for putting words to my feelings and needs as a woman. I need the reminders not to be critical and speak more about my feelings and needs. Thanks for what you do. It all matters.
This video is gold brother. This one really connected with me because sometimes I feel attacked when really shes just trying to communicate ger feelings to me. Appreciate you man
This video is not too long. There is tremendous value in these videos. I know that this is titled for men but I just flip the genders in it and can see what I am doing wrong in my marriage. I’m sad I never knew the real importance of marriage counseling, but these videos have showed me what I have done completely wrong and how I have unintentionally hurt my husband. I was meant to come across this channel. It is truly a blessing and I hope it’s not too late for my husband and I to implement what you talk about so we can flourish. Thank you and your wife
Unfortunately, I see myself here… thankfully, I’m still learning. I hate the feeling of defensiveness that arises in me so easily!
I hope you find a way thru this relationship. Be strong enough to honestly look at your situation. Contentment starts with peace.
Your content is EVERYTHING. And thank you for your passion. It's very difficult to express my hurt feelings without an argument or invalidation ensuing. The other day I bravely turned up the volume on your video and my husband overheard bits. It led us into a long overdue convo that helped me see things clearly after YEARS! I'm incredibly thankful.
This means so much to me!!!
He does the silent treatment and then gaslights that he was listening when he's oozing disrespect... Zero interest in my feelings or needs, just silent treatment and gaslighting if I don't cater to his self image as a "cute little boy center of the universe"
I hope you will find out what you need to thrive and bring out the best in yourself, instead. When he is silent, take the opportunity, to talk to yourself in your diary. There are tips on-line for how to do it. Take a guess about the next step, try it out, and on and on. Before too long you'll have a plan, if it includes councelling, that might be even better. But do start to center your life around your own core values. I wish you all the best and believe you can do what you need to do. ❤
Yes... Same! I get this...
These videos are helpful. Getting a male perspective is important. I am 56yrs old and recently married to a widower. Appreciate the content from the perspective of someone did not do everything right but is brave enough to admit your missteps. God bless and keep going with this, husbands and wives are listening.
Thank you so much for this Dianna!!
It isn't a "male perspective." Women have been saying this for decades, but no one listens because ironically, it's women saying it. This is typical. Women will say things repeatedly in every different way even for dull people to understand it, but won't be heard because they're women.
My husband cheated and his response to my pain was avoidance and anger and my response was to create the same hurt in him that he created in me. Now that I've acknowledged that, we're trying to work through the damage. I know that this will be an unpopular belief but I feel that many of your videos (words of wisdom) can be applied to either partner.
I’m so sorry for what you went through Carrie :( and you’re absolutely right; this stuff always applies both ways because kindness and respect always go both ways
I agree, I’m experiencing the same thing and the other girl is harassing me,but I’m trying really hard to pray for them and save my marriage by learning what I’m doing and hoping this content will stir my husbands heart!
I definitely do not feel safe to share, and when I do, I never seem to do it the way he thinks I should. And try to be reflective of what he says and listen and not come off attacking him, but i still can't seem to do it right. It's I am just b*tching or nagging to him. I am constantly saying sorry to prevent a disagreement or him yelling. It is pointless because he just refuses to acknowledge he did it anyway and twists everything up. So we spend an hour debating about what I believed happened and him telling me he doesn't care. He KNOWS what happened for sure! (And if i prove him wrong all of a sudden i am being rude about it or it didn't matter anymore, and i am just being petty.) We never get to the issue that caused the disagreement. I end up just giving in and he make me feel bad for even saying or starting anything. So I just say sorry all the time now. But that too has gotten me into trouble because he thinks I am doing it to annoy him. So I just say nothing most of the time now.
@@jenuinelyme7533I deal with the same thing from my husband too, and it makes me feel just as you described. It sounds like you may be dealing also with some narsassitic behavior as well with him. That's very classic for them to do whenever anything to do with conflict or anything that might be requiring them to truly care about your feelings and concerns. They are very manipulative controlling and emotionally cruel and competitive and everything is always twisted around in their minds to be your fault and your responsibility not theirs. They cannot tolerate any criticism weather constructive and lovingly given or not. And sadly, if your dealing with real narsassitic behavior, even with counseling, these individuals very very very rarely are even capable of any real change. And unfortunately in our society today we are exploding with alitvof narsassitic self centered behavior being rewarded and promoted in our society today. Like the Bible says in the last days, people will become lovers of themselves. They can't face their own insecurities and Drs say that at their core these people are deeply insecure and feel they have to always be in control. They need the validation and admiration of alot of people outside your marriage so they always make themselves look like the one who is being abused and your the one who has all the problems and they always put on a public mask to the outside world that they are the victim when in truth at home behind closed doors, they are the problem. When they break you and bully you with constantly creating chaos and blame shifting to rework every issue to be your fault and they cannot handle or deal with accepting any blame or accountability for their part, they most likely will never change because they can't ever admit that there could ever be anything wrong in themselves.. they usually come from a traumatic abusive childhood and are deeply insecure under their false mask of confidence and perfectionism. My husband is constantly complaining about how everyone else in the world is at fault and he has a very unhealthy unrealistic mental view and attitude that he is always in the right and is very bullying to me and others who try to have a constructive conversation with him when he has hurt others or made any kind of mistakes. His family has a history of mental problems and was taught very poor emotional coping skills. He was also in the military for a long time and had relationship problems with almost every relationship he's ever had and all of his female relationships failed for the same reasons over and over and they were abusive emotionally so much that the women were in fear of his anger problems and his aggression problems. Narsassitic people are true predators in their relationships and their past history will leave evidence of this. They are chronic liars that's another Hallmark. They make you constantly feel like your not good enough and your always to blame in their eyes. They will be impossible to even try to have a calm rational serious conversation or conflict resolution to problems with. They will constantly move the goal posts on you to keep you in a constant state of confusion and fear. I strongyurge you to seek counseling for yourself with a hopefully good therapist who has alot of experience dealing with narsassitic and sociopathic personality issues because if that's what your dealing with, average therapists don't know how to help the victims of that type of abuse and it is abuse. These people spend their lives perfecting their ability to protect their insecurities and hide them and they literally view other people as their adversary or out to get them they feel everything in a relationship is about being dominant and in complete control over the other person or people.theyvare very low to nonexistent in the ability to feel real empathy towards other human beings.tgatvis a big red flag in narsassitic or sociopathic personality issues. They seek to dominate and destroy and overpower the women in their lives they are incapable of real love for others. And unfortunately you find alot of these types in the religious and Christian communities because they abuse and use the Bible as a weapon to abuse dominate and keep lowly and in submission they take the scriptures and twist them and take them out of context on how the bible says a man is to treat his wife and other women and other people they see themselves as little gods in their minds above all of the rules that apply to the rest of us. Be very careful how you handle them if that is what your dealing with. You will never change them and the stats show they very very rarely ever will seek proper counselling. If they do agree they will not do it for the right reasons they will go just to prove some kind of point and to control the counselor and try to make you look like it's all you with the problem to the counselor. They will never be humble to God or others. It's really very sick twisted and sad. It takes literally devine intervention to get thru to these types of people. They can't handle anything that they find too challenging or difficult yet they are plagued with some twisted type of perfectionism that literally keeps them from even trying to build improve or fix something they are very unteachable and very very arrogant
@@jenuinelyme7533narsassitic people will literally drain you and try to crush any happiness or joy in you or that you display they have to constantly be they most popular person orist entertaining or most admired person in the room to the point that they will publicly attack and put you and others down to destroy anyone else they feel may be potential competition to them. It's very sick to watch. But you'll know by their habits and behavior and current and past relationships.they are emotional vampires because they need to get some sick validation by sucking the life out of others around them and they certainly aren't interested in humbling themselves before God in any real way, they want to be a god in their own minds. And don't fool yourself thinking that if you just try harder or give them more of yourself that then they will love you properly and change or care and see where they need to change. Because when they've gotten all they feel they can take from you they will discard you or try to keep you around as a future emotional supply for themselves to draw from but they are completely incapable of real supportive behavior or love they always have to put others down to feel better about themselves they can't handle growing up in a healthy normal way my husbands father is this way and he did a number on my husband and he's very bad relationship skills had a very damaging effect on my husband to the point that inside he hates the word grow up and he hates women I'm convinced because of the way his father viewed marriage and how poorly he treated his own mother he took his father's side and hated his mother too. When I met his poor mother before we got married I knew in my gut that that poor drained sick shell of a woman would be me some day if I married this man. Sadly I let my family and friends encourage me to give him a chance because he was so nice and friendly and confident and out going and entertaining but inside my gut God and the Holy Spirit were telling me to stay away from him and with my own insecurities from my own dysfunctional narsassitic family members and my own low self esteem and self worth and the past abuse I suffered in my few past relationships. I am now trapped truly trapped after twenty three years of walking on eggshells and try to keep the peace to avoid the abuse I am 62 and because if all the stress I underwent on a constant basis by abusive people in my own family and my marriage it has literally wreaked havoc on my health. I'm riddled with illnesses autoimmune diseases heart problems severe arthritis and got to the point I could no longer work and support myself my Drs told me I had to retire and had to go on permanent disability and all I have for my income is social security and food stamps and it is not enough to be able to support myself independently. I cannot live alone anymore because of my physical limitations and my husband, like his father who did the same to his sick mother has made me a prisoner in my own home and keeps me isolated and mostly alone while he's out making everyone in our neighborhood think that he's making this noble huge sacrifice for his sick wife and he's such a good husband when that is far from the truth. He neglects me constantly and has always neglected our home especially after I got sick and couldn't do the physical labor of keeping it maintained properly anymore by myself. He's like and truly is a very emotionally stunted child who's never been able to get the help for himself that he desperately needs but cannot face inside himself. I've gone to have constantly reached out for counseling and help for our marriage and myself especially after years of trying but failing to make anything better in our marriage I finally realized and saw the constant patterns in his personality and relationship skills. I pray and hope that you will get yourself the help and counseling that you need to heal and cope and try to survive the abuse your under and I pray that your future will become better and healthier than it is now.
I have also heard “you don’t know what condescending is” when I asked for him to stop being condescending.
Invalidation hurts our relationships so much :( I’m so sorry Erin
The world needs more of you!
If I've heard "you need to learn how to take a joke" once, I've heard it a thousand times.
Ya…always hurtful :(
Behind every ‘joke’ is an element of truth 🙁
And the "joke" isn't at the right time. Like c'mon man, read the room and the situation. Smh. It's 2023 and my husband still blames my period. Ps I'm almost 40
That sounds like a backhanded comment and blaming for inappropriate jokes. Maybe your reaction was appropriate to a “joke” or a sarcastic comment that wasn’t funny or appropriate. You’re not crazy for voicing your experience or feelings about it as they blame shift and make you wrong for their inappropriate behaviors.
"Then explain to me why what you said was funny...."
Last week, i told my partner i couldnt spend date day with him because i am too hurt by our past. He defended how he has been doing so much better these past weeks ( we've been together 11 years), then he switched to i attacked him while drunk so if he forgives me i should forgive him, i said no, that is just something unacceptable and if im attacking you we should break up.
He then switched to well it wasnt an attack, but a shove, but he forgives me so we dont have to break up. I said i dont want to stay in a relationship where i put hands on my partner.
He then called me a narcassist.
I decided then and there, i dont want to be with a person who i cant say i am hurt without it turning into absolute choas. He hurts and i hurt so we have to stay in this is such a fucked up mentality. Idk why he wants to stay. I dont. I love him. But i dont want THIS anymore
He sounds very immature. As of he is in a playground with 5 year olds. Even at this desperate times he can't get serious and man up. Separation is overdue.
Did you by and by see that he stays for something he gains from the relationship, something that you provide, without him reciprocating in kind? You sure don't describe a healthy relationships where you could thrive. Next time bring this measuring standard: does the relationship bring out the best in me and do I feel liked, appreciated, and even admired to healthy extent? You can have it, you can provide the same! Give it a chance!
My partner constantly tells me that I unnecessarily make big deals out of issues, he's always right and I'm the problem! I'm at a point where my feelings towards him is numb. I feel i deserve a better treatment which he's incapable of but i don't want him to destroy me emotionally.
Leave. It will only get worse. Don't worry about "destroying him emotionally" because your existence "destroys him emotionally." Did you marry him to be his therapist and surrogate mother? If not, then leave.
Insist on counseling
Yes this is exactly one of the reasons I left. Any concern I brought up, regardless how gently, I would be attacked by everything that HE didn’t like, over and over. (Never new stuff, always the same thing) it was WELL YOU do this!!! That had nothing to do with anything I brought up. When I asked him if we could go to counseling, he refused so I went. Then he got scared and joined me. Almost 2 years in therapy, and His behavior persisted. He learned nothing. He is still clueless and blames me for everything -c’est la vie!!!
Oh gosh, I'm so sorry Sara! I can't imagine how difficult that was!
@@JimmyonRelationships thank you. Divorce might be final tomorrow. 🤞🏻. It’s been a long haul.
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That’s exactly my boyfriend. Do all men truly believe there deflections and BS though? My BF without a doubt rejects anything I say right away out of fear he’d have to process something unpleasant. It is bizarre. He truly believes what he says.
He takes it a step further though. Every single time we take the 4 hour trip to his parents lake house, I pack every last thing for my both of us and the dog, I pack the car, I setup snacks and drinks for the 3 of us, I download shows for him to watch on the iPad, and every single time he makes a big stink about how long I’m taking. Why am I bringing so much. Can I hurry up. Why he offers these things that are pointless and not necessary and just a waste of air is beyond me. I always get livid because I’m busting my ass to get us there usually because it means a lot to his parents.
Once we arrive, usually like 3 or 4 in the morning, I unpack everything, I setup chargers, I make sure our stuff is where we can find it and need it to be, all the while he goes straight to bed.
But not before saying how I did a great job getting us packed and here and he’s sorry about earlier. He does this EVERY FREAKING TIME. finally yesterday I said you complained again this time while I was packing and yet every damn time you take it back. Instead of acknowledging this truth he just says “I didn’t want us to be late and you always pack too much.”
No. I’m not referring to anything about that. I’m saying why the hell do you say something that’s unhelpful, pointless, and it’s a comment that acts like I’m not in right front of you sweating my ass did off packing everything up. You think I pack too much? So what! It always works out. You know this. So why would you add to me stress when you know you’ll take it back.
His response? “We had to be here on time we couldn’t be late and you know you always bring more than we need!”
I’m like omg. I just don’t even know anymore. You’re still defending yourself. He complained the entire time we were on our way to the city that we’d be late and took that concern out on me. We weren’t late. He kept freaking about traffic. I said even if he hit another hours worth of traffic we won’t be late. So I do not understand the need to keep saying it.
The weekend worked out fine. Yet, he somehow doesn’t see how he was stressed and anxious and took it out on me. He somehow still feels right and in treating me like shit. I don’t know if he’s mentally incapable of what I’m asking for. But I do know I’m slowly being driven insane.
@@JenelleD12 - Leave. Are you his mother? If not, that's what you're doing. He has made you into a surrogate mother. Give him ONE more chance. When he runs his mouth, look him in the eye and say "shut up." Yes, be rude.
He sounds like he could resort to violence easily so if you are afraid to say "shut up" to a man who is being verbally abusive and making your life hell, then leave. It will not get better and you are not married to him. He is an overgrown toddler who has turned you into mummy.
Alternatively, next time, you could pack your things, then go sit in the car and wait for him. When you get there and he starts crying about how you didn't pack his things, then say, "I didn't want us to be late and I know how important that is for you." If he has any inkling of self awareness, he will take it on board that if he is worried about being late whilst he has a slave doing ALL the work, then he can get off his backside and do it himself.
Yes, you are his slave, and his surrogate mother. He is using you. You're even doing work to get to HIS parents.
Leave!
This is an exact text he sent me... Seriously just copied and pasted... "You are who you are. You're going to interject your opinions. You're going to say things you are upset about I don't think are important." And yet, I WAS the problem.
At the end of the day, that’s what breaks trust ‘the fact that you’re upset isn’t important to me’ :(
He doesn't value you, your feelings, nor your relationship. That is the problem.
My husband is killing our relationship. I’m invalidated and escalated conflict and distrust. And he wonders why I can’t rust that he has got my back.
Definitely not a waste of time: thank you very much! It’s not only applies to marriage. It applies to every relationship that matters: wife, husband, children, parents, siblings, extended, family, friends, acquaintances, coworkers, neighbors, religious affiliations, THE WHOLE WORLD REALLY… This advice is on the spot for everyone!
Thank you, again! (to coin a famous phrase from TV show: “I’m listening.”
Outstanding. How is it even possible you are able to put all this in words?
Thank you so much.
17:24 this is how I feel after every ‘conversation’ with my husband. He’s rested & I’m hurting 🤦♀️🥺
God I needed to hear this. I needed to hear that at least one man out there knows these things.
I am currently completely overwhelmed by his lack of effort to change / to resolve conflict in a different way. I'm basically done.
I'll try and send him this but - I doubt it will do anything at all.
Agreed!! I tried.. sent him info and videos... Nothing!!!😅
Thank you for validate our women's feeling. I feel heard and understood. Unfortunately my husbend doesn't understand he hears something totally different. on your video about how you destroyed you marriage, he just said that he is happy that he is not the only one who fells like that. totally missed the whole point and made it about him as usual, i just feel hopeless at this point
I’m sorry you’re living in this situation. I hope you find a way out. Dr Ramani’s videos help too.
Sounds a bit immature, like holding on to pride because he wants to be the winner.
My husband won’t talk. Has been chronically absent emotionally for many years. No amount of talking reasonably, pleading, texting or leaving him alone worked. I have now found out he has been having an affair with a 19 year old. I’m 63, he’s 55 and we have been together for 34 years. We are on our way to splitting up. He still won’t talk, apart from paying lip service to not wanting to split up. I am exhausted and done. I can’t see a way forward. I don’t trust him (i suspected he had an affair 5 years ago). I feel he only wants to stay in the comfort of our home with our pets and wanting to stay is nothing about me.
I need to make decisions. I just need to find the courage.
Yeah fuck that, if he won't actively work on it, then I'd be out! Your still young enough to have another 30 to 30 years with someone who will value you and grow in a relationship with you. Sending you lots of love to get through the grief and recreate yourself. ❤
If he hasn’t already, He should go.
@@ChrissyM232 I threw him out a week ago. I can’t believe I wasted so many years on him.
This video was posted September 20 2022, and here i am on that exact same date 2 years later, in desperate need of hearing this message. So ironic!
Jimmy, you are one of the best creators on social media. Thank you for your eagerness and willingness to share and teach!
I personally made it a thing that anger is no way to communicate now. Anger is healthy is some situations but not with our loved ones. This coming from someone that had anger issues due to my bringing up and me not noticing it as a bad thing before it was too late at the time. We need to change the way we think and break those generational curses and influences that we were born into. Also, on one of your videos you made a skit about your man card being pulled haha such a funny scene however I found that you gained your man card not lost because if we man actually think about it we have gained her entirely and we gain everything that we ever wanted and most important she has too. She is our better half and we need to treat her as so.
This is very well said Chris! You are spot on, I also struggle with that same anger, and you're so right, it can be so destructive.
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Amazing video!
“If she says she feels hurt you don’t get to say she isn’t” only works if it’s equally true that if he says I feel attacked you don’t get to say that he shouldn’t feel that way, both partners feelings should be validated. Shouldn’t they?
Of course! Us women have alot of growing up to do too. Both should be willing to listen and accept the feelings of the other.
The roles in this video are fully reversible, I even think you don't need to be in a intimate relashionship for it to be accurate. It works with friendships and parent-child relationship to IMO.
So Yes you are right! Everybody should be validated in their feelings.
I was married to a narcissist for 48 years he passed away so all of this is hitting me hard. I hope my grown sons will listen.
I’m so so sorry for all the hurt you experienced Delores :(
How did you survive 48 years of marriage to your narsassitic husband?? I am trapped in the same type of marriage with no way out to be able to support myself or live alone due to severe health problems now and after 23 years of marriage to my narsassitic husband he slowly isolated me from all other support systems church and friends to make me totally dependent on him which keeps him in control literally over my options for support and help. What wise advice can you share with me that helped you to survive and endure your marriage where it sounds like you chose to stay in the marriage for whatever reasons you felt you had no better choice. What are some helpful survival tips and advice could you share that might be helpful for myself and others who have no other options but to stay and try to make the best of it while getting the help you needed psychologically spiritually physically and emotionally to last that long with your husband? Thank you very much for any help you can offer
@@lynny5908 I would love the same input.
she didn’t survive; he passed away. She’s now starting the healing. She’s now trying for the cycle not to repeat and be passed on to her sons. She evidently just kept in all her emotions.
YES, intentions are worthless without follow through. Empty promises are a real marriage killer too.
I wish he would watch these on his own accord, but I don't think he's willing to face his own emotions / potential faults, even if it is pushing me -someone he says he cares about very much- away. he's choosing self preservation over vulnerability, connection, and closeness. he's choosing to hurt me over and over again even after I express those things to him as best as I can without being accusatory or critical, but no matter how I say it, it doesn't get heard and just gets argued. I don't know how much more I can take. I want to love him unconditionally as he had a very rough relationship with his parents growing up (narcissists/yelling/gaslighting/manipulation), but these hurts build up and we don't actively try restore that connection + we are long distance, so physical affection (what he says is his strong suit) is out of the picture. I want him to show he cares about me, and I make sure to tell him when he says or does something that makes me feel loved, but he doesn't remember in serious conflicts.
I can cry all I want to him but his natural instinct isn't to comfort. he said he doesn't want to baby me, especially when he doesn't agree with why I am upset, so it leads to me feeling invalidated, unsupported, and unheard. I'm so very sad Jimmy... I want to love this man even if he hurts me because I want him to know he is worthy of love, but it's causing me to become self-destructive out of frustration, and I worry for my own well-being. I don't want to give up on him and we both agreed we needed to talk to a professional, but we have no plans to close the distance anytime soon, so we are currently in limbo, afraid to speak to each other in fear of having to end things. I know he cares about me, but if he doesn't actually do the things that show me he loves me, how much of that is him actually loving me vs me having to reassure myself?
Clearly it would be good for you to talk to a professional, so do it on your own, asap, you can report on your progress to him, if you want to, but you can keep it close to your heart, too. If money for therapy is an issue, there are good self-help books at the library that you can keep working with, to keep you company, they sure help to take the first steps. You do well to take care that you yourself heal first, as your foremost duty to your Inner Child! Be your own best parent, and your own best friend. Clearly, this man, though traumatized and very needing, doesn't understand what you need, so don't let everything hinge on him, please.
This video cuts to my core. Your videos are EXTREMELY HELPFUL working on action plan to earn my wife
Great video! The only thing worse that feeling not hear is spiritualizing and shaming the exchange of feelings. Him saying that my feelings are fickle. And I should pray more and read my Bible more and I wouldn’t feel that way.
No, you shouldn't! Instead, may you be blessed: ua-cam.com/video/fvR_Iq2pcYM/v-deo.html This is God's sincere wish for you!
Always good, but loved the bloopers at the end and the random dude totally knowing you're filming but interrupts😂 We need to give him the narcissist checklist😂
I am a woman (it always feels funny declaring it like that) and I find myself relating to more of your advice that's targeted on men. Actually, I relate either way. Through watching your videos, I have realized that I have bad conflict resolution skills and tend to get defensive and then shut down whenever my husband tries to bring up his feelings being hurt due to my actions or lack there of. I need to work on this and really do my best to be there for him. I love him way too much for any of my insecurities, fears, ego or whatever else to get in the way.
I am having a very difficult time implementing the ideas. They make sense in the video, but during a conflict I revert back to attacking, name calling, not accepting responsibility, etc.
However, this content is very motivational. I like the idea that a conflict is an opportunity. That concept really helps.. and also focusing on the marriage itself as an entity, rather than just the individuals in it. I am going to try to see the marriage as a goal and conflicts as opportunities. Going right now. Thanks for being strong enough to address these ideas bc as men I think we don’t prioritize learning how to be a better husband, at least I don’t . So thanks, hopefully I can use some of this information for better results.
I'll give you one tip that will do wonders over the long run: My AWESOME husband is the definition of the strong silent type, and he uses that to his advantage. He would always give me a 3 minute hug and kiss every day when he would get home...then he'd sit down next to me, with his arm around me to let me "vent talk" where I could say ANYTHING about anything, even him. Then at the END... he'd say "I love you so much, everything is gonna be ok."
That's it. One sentence in reply to a long monologue of me stressing. Miracle sentence. I would thank him for listening and over time I felt safe, could rely on him, and began to see him as my hero. He was surprised at how much benefit came out of it. He started to look forward to it and began to open up more too, but he was NEVER EVER mean to me and it built my respect for him sky high. He assumed I had good will toward him, even if I was complaining about something he did. He would also do something with the info I gave him, he would correct mistakes I was hurt by. I knew I could COUNT ON, "I love you, and it's all going to be ok" and it always was ok, because I would solve my own problems after bouncing all my thoughts and feelings off of him. I would sort out what was garbage, or my fault, or valuable...and sometimes I would ASK for him to help me solve something. But listening was usually the best choice.
Practice. Hope you have a second bathroom. Or a shed/garage that is private. Get & look into the mirror & role play on your own. I mean, you see this guy do it on his channel. Write down the cheat sheet, practice your curiosity response, listening & validating (repeating back to her with understanding) response. Or the rescheduling response, if you know you're feeling angry and defensive. Who does things right the first time, without practice? It also gives you practice in identifying those feelings when they come up. Starting to practice self-control. And if she finds out & asks what you're doing, simply tell her you're practising how to listen rather than react because you want to be a better spouse...her response might be interesting.
Wow! You spoke from my heart. Finally aomwone talking about bad communication cycles without labeling it narcissistic disorder. Or any other mental illness. Sometimes people just get defensive or don’t know how to handle emotions, or lack in vocabulary or so eager to please that they can’t accept being wrong or making a mistake. Thank you for this. I have a wonderful husband but our misunderstandings become fights and I feel unheard, not validated what I’m feeling. Even when I say it in the nicest way. He is only thinking how he wants to make me happy but he thinks he is failing in it.
My husband doesn't respond or engage. Just sits there, he may say he's sorry, but most times just acts disinterested. He might (usually) sends a text hours or days later that he acknowledges my feelings.
Some people need time to process and I know how upsetting and frustrating it is, it makes you feel unheard, disregarded, and unloved probably... but if he is acknowledging your feeling after a few days that means he took the time to think about it... to me that says he cares, as long as he tries to fix the behavior you were hurt by, or whatever the issue was. My husband is very similar, if he doesn't get defensive he is how you described. I wish we could all just talk it out in the moment and fix it, but men and women are soooo different!
“Hort” hehe. Thanks, Jimmy. You helped my stop an argument yesterday. Ima keep watching here. I appreciate your efforts and fun approach. 🙏🏼
That’s so awesome!!!
Alright, I've been watching your videos randomly the past few months.
So my fiance and i just started counseling, and it's a process to start with your first 3 or 4 sessions . The counselor gathering info for their assessment and goals and what not before any talking begins. Which can be frustrating at first because you go once a week for an hour.
Anyways, me as a guy i care enough about our relationship that i don't want her to leave. And the problems we seem to have most is communication or communicating in the moment of conflict. Now i have learned from previous relationships to not raise my voice to not cast stones at glass houses, and i apologize to how you say to in this video when i do something wrong that upset her or hurt her feelings. Now her not so much she seems to hold grudges or one thing that stuck out was "I'm sorry you feel that way" is a phrase she'll say to me among other things in this video. She gets loud and raises her voice she'll say things to belittle me or call me names. One problem i have is she feels like i never remember anything but in conflict she'll say so much and get sidetracked when she does a majority of the talking in conflict that i cannot remember it all or miss what she will get across to me and this seems to be our cycle. Me not remembering and her upset and frustrated with me not remembering to where it even seems like she'll do a guessing game with it and leave me to figure it out. Or she'll do something that will hurt my feelings or upset me make me feel some kind of way that when i bring it to her attention it's almost as if she'll switch it around on me like she'll get upset with me because I'm upset with her and get loud with me and then carry it on being upset with me until we go to sleep then it's the next day. But sometimes, in moments like that, she'll be like well i did it because you did this. Which doesn't make me feel any better or even Address how I'm feeling IDK lately it's like i get to sit with that hurt to my own thoughts and feelings.
Don't get me wrong we do have good days but this is what seems to go on in conflict.
Indeed, it is not an uncommon pattern. Very upsetting. It seems to me it could help admitting that this way of discussing, makes your brain and heart overwhelmed, so you want to write her main points down and have them handy to really remember what is most important to her and how you could do it better, and then also say that you want her to reciprocate in a similar approach. You both have wishes and needs, right? But maybe handle one at the time, and take time (weeks) until you are through with all the important ones. It can take even more time. Promise her that you will stay and take that time - she'll need not stay in a scared frenzy. You'll be methodical and determined! Hold her hands and look into her eyes, when you make that promise, and then hold her in your arms and take in the lovely smell of her hair for many minutes. Just like that. Take her for slow walks hand in hand. Watch flowers, trees, clouds, waves, and stars - calms a troubled soul down. Wish you all the best!
Your videos help!!! I had to start with one that really pointed out how “she” has things to work on pretty heavy first but asked him to please watch it and let me know what he heard and naturally it was all the things he could see that I need to do and I agreed then broke the ice on how well you break things down for couples…. HE AGREED (probably because it was centered on my faults 🤣)!!! Then I was able to slide one his way that was more centered in his role in conflict and he couldn’t deny how obvious it was he needed to make some changes. Thank you!!! You are very much appreciated and centered on it takes two to fail and two to succeed ❤️ So ladies if you want to get your man to check these videos out maybe try that approach…. Much love and good luck!!
You can never be a straight shooter with men, ladies! Take a feminine approach, and let the wisdom slide in! 😀 It is the result that counts. Do you want to be right, or happy? Thanks Kelly, this was adorable advice! 😍
I appreciate your videos. I have been married 37 years, and I live in a house that's been torn up and renovation projects started and never finished. My😢husband is a good man and mostly means well. He does not understand how badly the clutter of having his tools and building materials all over the house bothers me. Every time I say anything it turns into an argument and I am told that I harp on him and that he can't please me no matter what he does. I try very hard to compliment and thank him for the things he does, but I am just so frustrated. I have been waiting 15 years for my craft room to get finished. The baseboards are stacked in the hallway and no trim around the doors. No doorknobs. He piles tools and projects in the room and makes it difficult for me to work in there, and when I say anything about it, he blows up at me. Then he complains about me to his coworkers. I usually just don't say anything. He broke something in my craft room yesterday and blew up at me about my stuff in his way. My stuff is displaced by his stuff that isn't supposed to be there. I struggle to feel like I have a home. I feel more like a squatter in his shed.
I understand what you are describing. If it helps at all to know you aren't the only one experiencing this in your home. I now understand that my husband and I have vastly different ideas on what a home needs to be in order for it to be a place we are happy in. I need beauty, cleanliness, organization. He needs shelter from the rain, a place for his stuff, a place to sleep, eat and bathe. The differences are enormous. Pet hair and dust don't even hit his radar. Hand prints on walls and doors are proof of a tough job he successfully completed. If they stay there for weeks it's a happy reminder of his accomplishment. Grrrr!!!
I struggle to see how he's a good man that means well through this description. It seems you're the one that's too good and forgiving to an awfully selfish man, pains me to say.
Take some initiative and learn how to do projects yourself. You don’t need to wait 15 years when you’re fully capable. UA-cam has free information on how to build anything
@@MaulJadeyou missed the point and this suggestion is unrealistic
THANK YOU SIR for all you do and say. A lot of what you said in this video pertains to me as yhe wife. I grew up as pretty much an only child listening to my mom and boyfriend or what husband she had at the time, fighting. The yelling and hitting is something I knew I didn't want when I got married. My husband grew up the 6th out of 7 children with 5 older sisters. He is very good at listening. He is very good at stopping whatever he is doing to listen to my concerns or answering my phone calls...EVEN when he is in the middle of working. He works so hard for our family of 9. I however, am the one that gets very offended for little things, giving the silent treatment (because I don't know what to say). I will say though, because we both grew up with parents yelling and hitting, we chose right away (23 years ago) to not yell. God can't really guide you if you're putting that wedge in between you amd Him. Especially in that moment when you probably need Him the most. We do apologize a lot to each other when we say or do something that hurts the other. Our disagreements-- we calmly talk it out. I love your channel and your look on things. You are helping me and my husband, because we both watch. He is deployed currently, so this is giving us time to talk about each one of the videos we watch. We have had some of those hard conversations now that I had no idea what to say or how to bring them up. God has definitely given you a gift. I thank you greatly for sharing and opening up on relationships and marriage. I also enjoy the humor you put in your videos! Life should be enjoyable. Thank you and God bless you!
Ty Ty Ty Ty, I’m sooo glad I found your content. I’ve been praying for the right help, it’s been hard to explain to my husband this kind of language. He is actually listening to you. Ty for ur humor honesty and experience. I believe with what u r doing ur going to be used to save many miserable marriages broken marriages and hurt women. Praying that we don’t loose our husband over lack of knowledge and thinking we know everything with no searching for all the truth benefits God I rented for marriage to be! Ty I pray God blesses ur content and that it reaches all the people that are crying out for help and I pray this helps marriages to not end in divorce but to strive to experience the true beauty in what marriage is
Thank you so much for this!!!
You are not talking to no on Jimmy! I am listening and I am taking notes!
Wow!!!
Hay Jimmy, you said something that hit me hard. Something I have said.
"Your feelings are not my responsibility "
Could you expand on how you may think about your wife feelings are your responsibility?
Well, you're absolutely right Josiah, her feelings aren't our responsibility. BUT, if we value her and love her, we will honor her perspective and listen to understand her feelings, and what might have lead to them, etc. That doesn't mean we taken ownership of them, that doesn't mean we take blame for them, that doesn't mean we agree with her perspective that we were in the wrong every time, we can agree to disagree on some of those points, but when we love someone and respect someone we listen because we care. When we say "your feelings aren't my problem", 99% of the time what we really mean is "you need to change your feelings because you're blaming me for them." which obviously doesn't validate or help the situation at all. But I totally understand where you're coming from.
@@JimmyonRelationships that help, thank you
Agreed! I tell to people pleasers in therapy that they “aren’t responsible for other’s feelings” however, my husband used those words on me in an argument. I was addressing the impact he had on me and then used this to escape accountability and I felt gaslit. Thoughts? Great content!
@@Manicpixiedreamer You're absolutely right. There's two issues here in my mind. People in fact, aren't responsible for my feelings. And yet, we all know, our intimate partners absolutely affect our feelings, positively or negatively. There's no doubt about that. And the problem is, when a partner either yells or dismisses us saying "well I'm not responsible for your feelings!" While they are correct, they are usually doing it as a way to refuse any accountability for their hurtful words or behaviors ya know? They aren't validating, they aren't empathizing, they aren't seeking understanding, they are dismissing the hurt, and that's never healthy or helpful either.
I absolutely love and appreciate you and what you do here!
I'm sorry for the long comment. 😅
This, along with a handful of other reasons, is why my 1st marriage completely fell apart.
In only 2 to 3 years...
It seems he just wanted convenience. He is the same way with his friends and family as well.
However,
When I see or find a video that speaks to me, calls me out on mine or my new partner's shortcomings and/or behavior, and/or even educate me/us on things that we thought we weren't doing but didn't realize it, didn't know at all, and/or thought we were going about things right but really was making it worse, it helps so much.
Your videos have truly opened my mind and heart and are helping me in my new relationship now.
I watch the videos and explain it to my partner, almost word for word, and it seems to click with him and we do our best to implement what we learn. We also individually go to counseling and are open to couples counseling, too.
We both thank you!
Because of what you do here, we have a better understanding of how to build a safe, sturdy, and loving foundation for us to begin our journey together.
Peace, love, light, and health to you and your kin!
And Happy Holidays 😊
🙌 ... I just deeply feel these videos ... thank you for making these 💯‼️
The sorry IF I hurt your feelings…..I am obviously hurt when I say that. There is no IF
You’re right, there is no IF!
Or the I’m sorry YOUR feelings were hurt.
What if I'm constantly offering my wife that safe space to open up about her feelings and she still refuses, just only dry conversations that lead to nowhere!!!
That happens with me too.
Both partners have an equal partnership it's 50 percent for each person. Both have a part in the relationship. It takes two people. It is not one-sided. Both can be heard. Both be open in a relationship. It is a lot hard at the moment when being triggered. I like this Jimmy. Being stuck in a negative feedback loop is what I do.
This video is incredible!! It’s everything I’ve tried to say because you’ve mentioned everything he has said or done and it’s astounding!!! This is my second favorite video, you’ve said and covered it perfectly! Thank you so much, it’s incredible!
Why r u so smart and loaded with good info
When I had a bad day at work, I wanted to vent. Home was the only safe place to get it out. But he in his man brain thought 'problem -> solution'. He also thought that my rewording of the issue was what I actually said in public (like all the lovely swear words I needed to use in my upset). I had to finally tell him "I didn't actually want an answer. I just wanted you to listen." It kept happening though even though I tried communicating that clearly and calmly. So I more often complain at work than I do at home.😢
All this 🙌💯‼️
Unfortunately it is completely destroyed and hopeless... just time to leave silently /safely 💝😢
Seek FIRST to understand, than to BE understood! ❤
I'd love for you to record some of these reversing the gender roles. I'm trying to see if I can recognize some of these faults in myself because I believe and am being told that I am the big problem in our marriage.
I was coming to say something very similar. I connect with so much from the "woman's" perspective BUT I also know I am a lot of the one creating the conflict and drama and cutting off and being loud and aggressive etc.
If you’re being told you’re the problem, that’s a sign of a toxic partner imo. A healthy partner understands that the root of conflict is not a good and bad person,it is unmet needs and crossed boundaries. You are not the big problem. You’re human so you have problems but so does your mate. Blame shifting only means nobody will take responsibility for any of those problems which means nothing will change. Depressing right?
Gender has a minimum effect on all of this, a lot of this is reversible and can be used for family relationships too. It's awesome advice.
I would add - try to talk about things before it blows up. I find, too often, they have to get to a certain point to bring it up, and it's usually when they're exploding. Bring it to the table when you can talk about it from a calm space, not when you are reactionary.
I’m in dire need for someone to tell my why being so emotional is helpful. In all my line of work and in my upbringing (Hispanic household and veteran dad) that being so emotion gets you nowhere in life. I’ve found that to be true. Why does being overly emotional help a man lead a household ? I
Thanks, that all makes a lot of sense to me!
Some men just refuse to be in a position of uncomfortableness. Intimacy, affection, etc are areas that place them there and because some refuse to do the work, anything that makes them feel less than (I. E. Areas of discomfort) they avoid like the plague 😑
If this helps your marriage … that’s #1 if it helps just 1 guy …. It’s worth it. You nailed it !
Golden!! Yes, yes, yes!
I wish my husband would take the opportunity to just listen to you a little bit. He would never do anything like that unfortunately. I just filled out the legal separation paperwork today. 13 years wasted! 😢
I am printing the papers off to be signed soon. It is just so hurtful. I'm not a victim or anything but man!!!! When you signed up for something and it's not reciprocated...or when you're doing your work and your hard part for the greater good and they don't reciprocate. They do nothing but the same thing then blame me bc I'm giving up. Blame me bc I'm always complaining. Blame me bc nobody else is having this conversation
@Shawn Grissom absolutely! 💯 they will watch you do 150% of all the work and effort and get mad when you ask for 2% of effort on their part. U give and give and give until you realize no matter how much you give, it will never be enough for someone who is only interested in taking.
@@aleksisgamer4477 yes!!!! I haven't asked God why in a long time but I just cried and asked Him like why is it like this? Surely You love Your daughters and there must be more to it than this, I just don't know what it is
Did you insist on counseling?
@mama-cita yeah I begged to go to counseling. His reply verbatim, "Wouldn't you rather me do it my way and learn on my own than have someone tell me what to do? If im just doing what someonetells me to then whats the point?" But yet he has used the excuse that he never learned how to be a good husband so I can't hold that against him. Just another excuse to not change or learn a new way.
Wise man... As i watched this im single yet i wish my mother could hear this... obviously not ALL PARTS apply, but the core truths apply to my child/parent relationship. But hear it applied to OUR relationship. I dont think anyone ever gave her this and therefore its the only way she knows how to be.... I watch hoping to not repeat mistakes and understand the other side as well.... And that i dont do this to my children...
You're such a blessing! Thanks!
Very beautiful and helpful
It's interesting to see that the video is about men being open and vulnerable and a lot of women already saw the video and responded. Your assignments for us men are hard but worth trying. I am struggling with my marriage nowadays ❤👍
Women do it as well. My withdrawal to avoid conflict was a huge issue.
I’ve been told my feelings are his problem for years and could never understand why since his behavior lead to my hurt feelings
Loved the snarky & bloopers ending.
I absolutely love listening to your videos!! ❤
This is so nice of you!
Thank you for your videos. They are helping me be a better person inside. 😭
When my husband comes at me with a raised voice, I’ll hold one hand up and say “I can’t hear you when you are yelling at me.” That usually helps calm the situation a little bit.
my husband doesn't believe in I'm sorry. Not saying it, not thinking it....I don't even get to be sorry. Sorry to me means I acknowledge that I've hurt you in some way and I I'll try not to do that again
Mine is the same, sorry is a taboo! Worst part is he wants to be present in church each Saturday. What a hypocrite and a sad person. I’ve mentally checked out & I’m checking for me now. Suggest you just love yourself gently, everyday. Good luck with your mental health
This is my favorite video to date.
Great insight. We'll done.
You are one in most thatbecame able to understand women's perspective of intimacy and sexuality. Congratulations!
Love this as well as your bloopers at the end 😂
You are a true gift to humanity! ❤
Great video on conflict resolution wow
This reminds me of the practice of Deep listenin, a Buddhist practice of shifting our focus from talking to mindful listening. In so doing, we can overcome egocentricity. It helps us change habitual self-referencing to engage with the world from the perspective of others. Means understanding the other person, and LISTENING WITHOUT JUDGING OR REACTING.
I am listening to him/her not only because I want to know what is inside him
/her or to give advice. I am listening to him/her just because I want to relieve his/her suffering.
It requires much practice, because even if the other person is saying what we consider wrong perceptions, the time to correct them is not that, the only goal is to relieve their suffering, because wrong perceptions comes from suffering and once that we learn no to form inner or outer judgement, but instead we learn to become an empty space for the other person to unfold, the suffering ends, they have feel really listened and the inner wisdom in the other person arises, so they are not afraid to be vulnerable and eventually let go of those wrong perceptions. It requires a great deal of humility, compassion, love and surrender of the ego, work with yourself before working with your couple, that way you’ll know your value does not depend on being right or wrong. Deep listening is a practice we all have to do, do not wait the other person does it first. Something I’m just learning to do myself, sometimes I do it right, sometimes I fail but keep trying.
Fascinating the parallels- because also, there’s less and less sex because so many men think a woman is happy with five minutes of sex. They think they are interested in her pleasure, but they literally aren’t patient or curious or willing to hold on and give her time and attention to have her REAL pleasure. Self control and maturity and vulnerability need to show up in bed as much as everywhere else, and a man who lasts five minutes on the regular in bed will definitely lose his partner. This preconception that men are the ones who want se. The most is so ridiculous. It’s just that women who are completely neglected in bed lose interest completely. Give a woman time and give her something to enjoy- she wants more, not less, but she knows she won’t get it from
You or anyone, because 99 percent of men have no interest or discipline in this area. We need to raise this awareness too. The bedroom parallels the relationship in general. More sex, hate to say it guys, but it requires MORE SEX. Not five minutes.
Thanks a lot for your advices
I really need help with my marriage.. it is falling apart and I am completely lost with what to do.. I feel like we both have separate realities of what we are both seeing and believing. I feel like we need some kind of counseling to mediate our conversations that quickly turn into interrogations and from then stem into really out of control arguments..
Yes, councelling is a great idea - start that on your own, if your partner doesn't come along. Just do it! It can help your sanity and your marriage, too!
Want to add one thing I’ve been learning:
Shame. Sometimes when people feel shame for what they have done, it is so uncomfortable, they want to hand it right back to the one they have hurt.
By blaming the hurt one for being hurt.
Example : spouse spends too much and says “what! Are you my account now?
So the frugal spouse is now shamed. And the guilty one is now the victim.
Or porn: WTH?! Are you looking at my history! What is wrong with you!
So the one cheated on is shamed and the one who did the cheating is the victim.
Or spouse says harsh things: OMG! You are actually upset about that! Guess I’ll walk on eggshells from now on!
The one hurt is just “over sensitive” while the poor mean one is victimized by having to walk on eggshells.
yes! 💯
Excellent Jimmy.. thanks for throwing me a rope
I have learned so much from watching your videos but it’s so hard when your partner is not on the same page and is always playing the victim I need to find therapy for us can you help me find someone in my area please I live in northwest Indiana Thank you and please continue to make your videos and educate us 😘❤️🙏
And he shouldn't be playing on his phone during these kind of conversations either. My husband does that to me all the time...
Chick here, its not just guys that want less fighting and more sex and don't know how to accomplish this.
Thanks!
Jimmy, would you mind making a video that us women can send to our boyfriends/husbands? We could send them clips like these but I'm sure they would feel attacked. Just an idea. Thank you for all that you do! God bless you.
Love the background! Haha.
I love this channel.