Defending SOMEONE ELSE against the narcissist
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- Опубліковано 8 тра 2024
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
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I defend all victims because I wish so much just one person in 61 years had defended me. Not one person ever has.
I would.
I feel that ❤
💯🔥💪
Same. I always get stuck with narcs that have lots of flying monkeys. Being silent puts you at a huge disadvantage just like speaking up does. It's a classic no win situation.
I defend victims sometimes, I'm sick of seeing little innocent children getting abused like 6 year old Corey.
The notion of a flawless marriage or relationship is a myth. There's no set formula for success; what works for one couple may not work for another. Yet, I've discovered that there's always a way forward, even in the most challenging times. Five years ago, my wife and I encountered significant hurdles in our marriage that nearly led to divorce. Despite the adversity, we managed to weather the storm and emerge from it with our bond renewed and revitalized
There is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things
Its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is shelly renee white
This is helpful, I will look her up online right now...Thanks.
You wont regret it
Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I got to know about my narc husband bad ways when I reach out to a private detective digitalinvestigate@gmail.com for help he did a perfect work for me I can see everything he’s doing on his device.
I get it now. Wow.
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The grand prize of keeping abusive people in your life is they do it to the people you love.
Unfortunately
Very well said.
Exactly. Nononono. The best part is outside.
Many narcissists love debates and arguing. They don't get depleted by conflict like we do.
Standing up for my kids against abusive family members was transformative for me.
I defended a complete stranger at the beach when I confronted a profane man yelling at his teenaged daughter. I told him he was verbally abusing her, and he of course denied it was abuse. I knew he wouldn't own it or quit it, but I wanted HER to see that she was worth defending, that his inappropriate behavior in public was not ok. In private it was probably much worse. I'm sure I got triggered because I saw my younger self in her and I couldn't help but intervene. I wish more people would. Narcissists only get worse because they are not held accountable in the early stages of their abuses.
Thank you for doing this. I am 19 years old and I also had my Dad verbally abusing me in public as a teenage girl. I'm glad when there are people who stand up for others like you did. ❤
It better be worth it, because arguing with a fool will prove there's two. The only thing worse than arguing with a drunk or a narcissist, is a narcissist who's drunk.
That’s very very true!
Worse than dealing with a narcissist is a narcissist going through a mid life crisis and on hard drugs.
It didnt take me very long to figure out that my ex-gf was a drunk but after all of her verbal, physical and psychological abuse then did i learn what a narcissist was. What mental hell i went through.
My mom used to say, "argue with the drunk, you'll lose every time." Now we can say "argue with (fill in the toxic person's particular problem), you'll lose every time." Thanks mom!
You will accomplish nothing!!
my family used to beat me up--all the more whenever i defended myself. so i learned not to defend myself. but i still felt compelled to defend others...and, to my shock, no one ever beat me up for it. so i got really good at defending others because it felt like justice for them and vicarious defense for me. in my life, only one person has ever defended me...a tiny, "meaningless" little episode in which someone i admire set the record straight on my behalf...except that i don't think i'll ever forget it.
I can 💯 relate to this. I speak up for those who can’t speak for themselves as it what’s right and also cause no one spoke up for me. It’s amazing how one safe person speaking up or giving validation can make the world of difference. Thank you for sharing ❤
Thank you for sharing I can relate to this. I can not recall a time when anyone defended me from a narcissist although I can only think that it has the potential to help more than just at that moment in time. This is because say the person being defended was doubting and blaming themselves maybe the fact that someone else stepped in to defended them will help them to realise that actually it is not them.
My ex gave me some garbage lie when I saw him in a motel.Thanks to henrymore213 a cyber security who help me to mentor his device to get all information I needed.
I just defended someone against a narcissist putting them down in a group. I knew it wouldn't change the narcissist, but I wasn't willing to let them think my silence meant agreement. My reaction was exactly, "Oh, hell no." I felt so true to myself and my values. I expect that they will keep putting down this person that I care about, but I will continue to defend them - especially since I don't care what they say about me.
This person stood up for me when I was being attacked and it felt good to have their back - and to stay true to myself instead of staying silent out of shock or fear.
Fantastic show of Courage and Self-Love. Good for you!
😊😊
Right on. I'm glad to be on the Narky Busters Team with you!
So proud of you for defending your friend, someone is coming after a friend of mine by spreading false accusation I don't know how to defend him we live one thousands miles away from each other. Praying for his safety.
Bravo 🙌🏻
I said it before and I'll say it again; the first indicator of a soulless entity is gossip. I will never standby while another person's reputation is under attack for malicious purposes. I don't mind being a hated outcast, I sleep in peace knowing that I did the right thing, even though it's the hardest.
“….small minds discuss people.”
If you defend someone against the narcisisist, you can often find your own voice and start defending yourself as well. It’s so true. Thank you dr Ramani ❤
If you do defend someone against a narcissist, keep in mind you are "playing" the long game. Most often the positive results may take a long time to show up, sometimes years. Supporting people in narcissistic relationships is a long haul experience. You need empathy, patience, understanding, knowledge and grit. But this is what we do for those we love.
So grateful for you Dr. Ramani.
What I found was reactive abuse is likely from the gaslighting, who done what to whom when, alternatively victim defending the narcissist and being victimized by the narcissist. Time (years actually) finally showed what was going on, it was still a rocky path until her parents died. Reactive abuse on my part because of her parents doing such confusion and gaslighting towards my wife and myself.
Three years after my wife’s passing I’m still picking up the pieces and getting my head back on right.
@@snowyowlz5992 It's the years part that got me. Raised in narcissism, married to a clinically diagnosed narcissist for 20 years. It took its toll. It has taken years to really understand the Narcissism has taken a large part of my life. I just try to help my Children and Friends now.
@@debdebandrews3669 You have my sympathy.💐
It took 16 years of being around my wife’s family before a restraining order against her mother and grandmother after an attempted kidnapping of our child, this was in 1992. Counseling for all three of us. Very little was known about narcissism then. What I can say is we survived (barely) but we did. Healing really started after her parents died, mother in 2016, THEN we found out about narcissism. We were married 43 years, my wife passed away three years ago.
@@snowyowlz5992All that you said here is true 10x over. Also, that after the death of the parents, clearer picture. But, before the death in my case, I had figured it out. Just had to wait it out but things are operating the same in this regard..😢
Lesson learned, and may sound harsh, but you are #1 And I have spent all too many years fixing things for others. Now, if they are over 8 years old and not physically or mentally handicapped, I don't do for them!!
Best to you in your journey 🕊️💜
Sometimes I ve done it just because I wanted to, but mostly it's the kinder and more growthful thing to bow out.
It was defending someone else that showed me that I had to leave. Watching him use the same tactics against others that he used against me gave me the clarity that I needed.
I will defend my child against my narc. I will call out the narc on their bad parenting skills and not have it repeated with my kid.
🎯 he called my (our) child a liar rather than say what he did was wrong. This child tells the truth! Don't get to slay the innocent on my watch.
My narc mother wouldn't stop lying about my scapegoat sister so I had to go no contact. She was warned so it's on her.
Defending animals or pets should be a given as well as people, especially dogs. Dogs will be loyal til death. Even though they could be abused or mistreated, they won’t understand why their humans are being mean to them. They can’t defend themselves against this type of person. So intervention needs to be done, if possible by the other parent. Even though it may not end well for the other person defending the animal, @ least the dog would know that you have their back, & won’t allow them to be hurt by standing by & doing nothing to help them.
Defending is exhausting. They never accept your point of view.
Well said! My experience exactly!
I just defended my sister on an accusation my mom made and it caused her to rage in text at her that she is a failed mom once again. My sister and I now know that Mother’s Day will come and go and I will be blamed for ruining it by mom because she is using the weapon of silence. I told my sister, we cannot go “fetch” her out of the silent tantrum, she must decide to come out on her own. This may cut me off from mom, but I will have no guilt in defending my sister. My sister is grateful and relieved I did; she had no courage to do so herself.
God bless you ❤ I defended my sister to my sociopath aunt, but my sister sided with aunt to knife me in the back because I chose safety from abusive ex. YOU are a great sister! Thank you
On behalf of sisters everywhere, many thanks and good for u! Also... please try not to judge ur sister so harshly for "not having the courage" to do it for herself. 'Cause u know: when u r living/stuck in the Mire, it's not ez to get out. We r trained to b in it and live in it, PERIOD. We have been trained to see no other options. We have been trained not to seek nor believe there will b any help for us. And, sadly, it takes longer to 'untrain' from that.
Maybe u didn't mean it that way. I hope not. Because that last sentence sounds like something ur mother might say. Ouch.
@@user-sf3gw4zb1q Wonderfully spoken! 🥰
The frustrating part is when potential victims choose to believe the Narcissist instead of you and go through the whole cycle of abuse the same way. It was entirely preventable, but not without the cooperation of victims.
Repeatedly…😢
@penijoni1316 Exactly.
I defended my step-sons against my soon to be ex - their dad. (His rages and cruelty and ridiculous demands) They didn't really ever completely accept me, as they were already teens, but I have always had a good relationship with them. But ultimately they will always be loyal to their dad, and they do not see the massive manipulation and covert behaviors on their dad's part. The younger one has shown the same traits as dad, including the rages and "what's in it for me" attitude. They all treat me like an object that does things for them. I am learning - and that means that I need to care for myself first. I am moving back to be closer to my son and mom and sister. I am "too old" to waste any more time with people who don't see me for who I am or accept me for who I need to be.
This is hard. Especially when it's a younger sibling that hasn't caught on yet what the parent is doing. It's very worrying.
The first 27 years of my marriage, my husband couldn't see the abuse his mother dealt to me. He thought I just misunderstood her (I am hearing impared, so that does make some sense). Last year, we both quit great jobs, moved to another state and are living in her house to help her so that SHE can be at home for her end of life care (as is her right since she cared for everyone else who's already passed on in the family), and HE FINALLY SEES IT! He defends me now. I didn't grow up learning arguing/fighting skills like a narc's child, so I'm useless in that respect. It's like my brain shuts down and I'm either frozen or flight. The first time I tried to defend my husband from her verbal attacks while he was at work was a disaster. That evening when he came "home" to find me gone he was upset...so, he had a calm conversation with her (yes, he manages to stay calm and patient even when I wouldn't be able to). The next day, when I interacted with her due the necessity of household chores, she told me she never knew that my husband had such a temper...I shook my head, bit my tongue, and left the room- she was telling on herself. She truly doesn't live in the same reality as the rest of the world and that makes me feel sad for her- it's so pathetic.
I rescued a poor abandoned baby squirrel the other day and tried to nurse him back to health as no rescues would take him. Sadly he passed away despite my best efforts. He was really cute and clung to me thinking I was his mom. When I got sad about it, my mom and dad shamed and criticized me for it. It was awful. I’m tired of staying silent, so stood up for myself, only to be met with more gaslighting shaming and invalidating. It was awful. While I do feel it was worth it in terms of standing up for myself, it’s a harsh reminder of the emotional abuse my family doles out. I have defended others against them too. It’s a no win situation. But I will speak up when needed regardless. I want nothing to do with them at this point. Super messed up 😢
Your work has been so helpful to me
The amount of times I've defended someone from the narcissist sect only for that person be recruited by the narcissists to be an enabler against me...
I've stood up to my narcissistic boss on numerous occasions for belittling coworkers. I have a personality where I don't give AF. They're cowards.
If you push against a narc boss prepare to lose your job! I have more than once but it felt like the right thing to do. Financially? Not so much.
I always felt like I was ahead of the game...literally.
Co-workers seemed to look up to me for doing what they wished they could do.
But landed me in the poor house.
It was a continuation of the fight I fought as a child growing up...sigh 😔
The hatred of the narc is difficult to handle for any victim. They should educate themselves and we can help them by giving them courage and confidence.
I agree we can't assume all hatred they carry is the same towards any one victim, get educated definitely!
Oh, most of targets have gotten quite an education. The biggest problem is, people who haven't been narky targets usually deny and disbelieve it when they're told the truth. "No mother would act like that! You're ungrateful. You're too sensitive."
I had to work under a grandiose Narc for 4 years. The first few were pure hell. But I found that when something totally unacceptable was done to me, I had to fight back without engaging directly, and I had to make sure that this person feels the sting and that certain behaviours came at a cost. It was hell, but later the Narc was more reluctant to bully me than some of his other staff. The other thing I did was to support some of his other victims in the background.
The day I could not have him stinged back for bad behaviour, was the day I left the company. I love my peace since, even though I have been unemployed since.
God can restore lost years. Well done for standing by your values, I did the same
My narc ‘boss’ has 2 handicapped kids who neither understand nor can defend themselves.
No longer my boss ( her loss-nobody to replace me but i’m still working) but the kids can’t escape.
How sad it is that there are beings who are in debilitating, emotional pain that they need to lash out and hurt others...
-Then, we wonder why we have a world filled with wars and terrorists. Very sad, very sad indeed...
Tears while listening to this video
Keep strong ❤
Me too.
❤
Hope you feel better soon.
❤❤❤
For those of us whose flight/fight/freeze response is fight, defending someone else always feels better and looks more dignified that defending ourselves. And hey, when the default response is fight, you might be kind of good at it!
I fight my battle against sick strange family hunting humans the whole shit situation is shdey as fuck
Pick and choose your battles wisely. Contemplate if this person has your best interests at heart before you go sacrificing your energy, effort and time for them. Because some narcissists will beg you incessantly for help only to put you back on the dusty shelf later on when they no longer need your assistance or anything like that. It’s cruel being treated as a disposable objects or a “source of supply”. I’m a human being, not an inanimate object to be used and abused. Anyway. I love your book, and thank you for all your help, Dr. Ramani
Nothing like punishing humans for few bed relationships.... Eww man it's really ridiculous and strange
Yes . There are no “ winners “ in relationships.
One can't hug every cat. This is one of life's sad and cruel truths. Whosoever saves a life, it is as though he had saved the entire world though.
Thank you for taking the time to put this info out here. You’ve helped me understand so much of this sick mind set. I spent half my life with a narcissist. If it wasn’t for people like you I’d still be lost wondering WTF is wrong with her. Thank you so much. 🌹
When someone has to choose between silence or more abuse, it feels natural to defend them. I can't sit and listen when someone I love is being gaslighted, minimized, invalidated, or are the subject of a slander campaign.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani ❤
After years of therapy, you have accurately explained my family dynamics. ❤️
It’s true! My survivor journey started when I first started defending my child when I saw my narcissistic ex was trying to shut down my five and half year old son. That’s when I got the strength to stand up again for myself as well and to get back my life. 🙏
Do NOT defend yourself to the Narcissists or their enablers. It will only serve the narcs purposes and leave you looking exactly the way they have portrayed you & you'll feel awful reinforcing their slander 😔!
When my wife begins her rant, I say , oh here we go again ,
Tell me Marli, does it feel like your constipated to hold back your narsistic behavior ?
It doesn't stop her of course, but it lets her know i'm on to her, so I just laugh at her and walk away, which just makes her more annoying, then everyone in the building knows it's her bad behavior that is root of the problem ! ?
Mike.
Another good topic
thank you 🙏🏼
Thank you Dr Romani. Defending another person always feels good. When a person uses nonconfrontation strategies it is a delight.
I had the experience of being able to do this for an acquaintance of mine and my toxic partner’s. It resulted in the demise of my relationship with my partner. It’s been a very long time coming! Can’t wait to finally be free.
My whole family imploded when my dad got dementia and couldn’t lead the family anymore. I thought of him as the lynch pin of the family. Dad never made an estate plan and my mom was unable to deal with the finances. They needed care that threatened the family home. Everyone was scared it would all go to care and in one fall everything seemed like it was going to evaporate. Long story shorter my mom signed off on an estate plan that bypassed her to save the farm. My dad passed away and I became my mom’s caregiver. She had a way of triangulating to keep the caregiver in line. My dad was ok with the siblings. Me, not so much. I became the scapegoat for every family member. Plus my mom was pulling every string to keep me as her supply. When she went into an assisted living my siblings pitted the facility against me and they also discarded my mom. So I defended her all the way to the bottom. She suffered because her supply after a lifetime of behavior this way was gone. I could no longer provide what she wanted. And she was not well emotionally regulated. She was institutionalized as a child and this place had that feel. I was traumatized by her treatment too. But I was held powerless.
Every time I defended my daughter against my ex, he raged against me, accused me of undermining his authority and sabotaging her upbringing.
But she knew she wasn't alone, and that makes a big difference.
This is SO helpful! I've come a long way, but still beat myself up when I do fall prey- or choose- to defend myself, even when it feels empowering rather than draining. Thank you for noting that it can be part of the healing process, too.
So Brilliant. Professional, well thought out, BALANCE. These powerful tools are not a mandate, and can be healing for both the defender and the one being defended; but we do need to be aware of how the Narcissist will react and whether we have the bandwidth to cope with the possible fallout. I always feel much more powerful when defending someone else against a Narcissist. You are so good at this, Dr. Ramani. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You for everything you do for this community!
I grew up with controlling step dad to my husband. I have always stood up for other's and not myself. Until I started to see my husband for who he really was and I no longer cared and I defended myself. I used sarcasm when he shout me down I'd say SACRCASTICLY "Yeah, OK. Whatever you say" It would shut him up. lol
When I got some therapy, I finally started defending myself. Then I realized that my anger was just as much supply as my co.pliance was. Now I do what you said... I just say I get what you're trying to say, but we have different opinions. Or mostly I just go silent and step away
There’s a component of compulsive reactivity that is rooted in negative default programming. I have watched someone descend into narcissism from a condition of somewhat narcissistic tendencies which is likely common but was very stable for long durations. There is a heavy element of self and social awareness involved. Seeing the structure take shape has been incredibly disheartening. Very real an unavoidable factors have been the sculptor so I have great empathy for the person I once knew.
I need to think about this one. What I've been doing so far to protect my son's sanity is to not engage with my narcissistic mother whenever she's been talking badly about him. My father (another narcissist) would most likely take the chance and side with my mother if I start an argument to defend my son, and the whole thing would turn into a screaming nonsensical mess, which is not good at all for him. But I don't want him to feel like his mom is not there for him
As an INFJ I always was defending others against unfairness. As a kid I didn't know that I was facing narcissistic kids. I knew I didn't want to look like my bad unfair parent (narc). But by adult age I knew most of narcissistic ways to hurt people. And when I noticed someone, who was shy and unaware of those rubbish ways, if marking notice was not enough, for them to get out of the situation; I stepped in and was taking most of the rage blast of those dark people. So when I get in a situation with a mega narc ( most of the people get free Frome those only if the narc dies)/ sociopath; I knew my chances to get out of the relationship I was in, were very slim. The main thing was to stay as calm as possible, I knew my state would deteriorate and the narc had already blocked all the ways out of the situation. But remember one thing no matter how someone is, good at something " NO BODY IS PERFECT". And it will be a moment when he will forget a possibility you (in occurrence me) can escape. I was very damaged when I got off. But I did. And I learned even a few things I wasn't supposed to.
And I will not give up on defending others, and giving hope for a construction of a better world for anyone who wishes to be the best person they could be.
I WANT to defend my teenage daughter against her narcissistic father, we are a long time separated, however I fear / know that he will take it out on her as it no longer works on me. It makes me feel sick to think of it 😢
I get that. You really have to tread lightly and be strategic.
I was at a grocery store and witnessed a mom telling her 9 yr. old son "you are replaceable, remember that, you're replaceable". It was awful. I wanted to say something. But didn't. I wanted to, but was afraid of making any situation worse for the child. Ugh!!!!
oh my god i have been waiting for this video for sooo long! it may not look like it, but i really believe that it's a complete game changer, because it directly questions the deeper narrative of 'every man for himself' which we are basically all born into these days. which also traditionally has the whole field of psychotherapy (or at least the majority of average practitioners) in a total choke hold: 'you can only change yourself, so don't even bother considering the effect of your behaviour on other people'. things really are changing right now 🔥
I didn’t know how to stand up for myself for many years, but standing up for others helped me learn how to also do so for myself.
I've had to defend a couple people from a Narcissist's rage. One of them was on 2 separate occasions. One of those times was physically. And the other person I had defended was also in a physical way.
I did it because I felt I had to. One of my biggest flaws is how little I go out of my way to defend people in general. But if it's happening right in front of me, I'm not just going to let it happen. I just happened to be at the right place and right time for both of those encounters.
And the first one I would say she probably never had anyone stand up for her in that kind of way. The second one is hard to tell whether or not it was setup for it to happen. But she had been dealing with it and him long before and even still. I just got tired of the disrespect. It wasn't much to be doing it to me (even though I didn't care for it much. The reason I kept going no contact) but as soon as he got in her face and started yelling and screaming, it was like it flipped the "do something about it" switch. And do something about it I did.
The only mark I put on him that night was on his ego. Even though I should've done a lot more. But with it being a possible setup. He would've wanted me to go over the top. He was fully willing to "take one for the team" just to get rid of me
And then see the person u r defending turn around and become the enabler of the narc...
Thank you. Needed this. I went off for the first time in like 3 or 4 years. Always stoic, bland yellow/gray and even soul distanced. but oddly defending my children like you said actually helped.
Always oddly right on time your vids 😂❤
Very timely video!!! This is the issue I keep dealing with no matter how many times I tell my mom to stop badmouthing family members and HER friends to me. I can defend myself and others, but she always dismisses my perspective. Makes me very disturbed. I've set a boundary once again and will walk away as soon as she breaks it every time from now on.
This is the best I have heard ever. I tend to care for everyone else. Now I'm going into trauma theraphy for me ❤
Thank you for explaining this. I knew it was why I found my strength But was still at loss as to why. My ex narc was picking on #2 son as a young teenager,he was talented and very smart. It actually came to blows and was my wake up call. It also didn’t end there. Super ugly set up that involved almost ruining my son’s life. God protected him.
We all got out eventually but not without damage. This hits home. Thank you again for giving me an explanation.
There is one other thing, my son had to learn about his father by himself, it was one of the hardest things. He still believed his dad had his best interest at heart for quite awhile. The gaslighting was incredible.
I spent my childhood defending my baby brother against my maniac mother. After I had been married for 6 months, I had him come and live with us for 2 years, until he graduated from High School. He was the scapegoat of the family and she was so violent. I always felt like I could handle it better, partly because I had stopped really caring what she thought of me. And I would rather she hit me than him.
The rage just got directed at me and then they told the person I was defending a whole bunch of lies so they turned on me too.
Hi,
❤ Doctor Ramani..
. You know, the DNA of the narcissist, honestly.❤ And thank you for that.
Thanks Dr. Ramani, for another useful video! I tried to protect someone I like from my narcissist, but it backfired. The person I tried to protect didnt want to deal with all the tension with the narcissist, so they just didn't support me. I feel sorry for that person, but I will never defend or protect anyone. Its not my fight, and more over its waste of time fighting with the narcissist.
I have defended against a narcissistic mother & sibling on behalf of my own adult child by going No Contact
My adult child got into the mud with sibling on my behalf, and in turn, we are both gone "no contact"
I was able to advise my own daughter about how best to cope post a confrontation from listening to your wisdom & guidance and I'm still amazed that we had the courage to take the diplomatic stance against the bullying tactics from older sibling
I'm feeling relieved that it has finally come to this
Thank you, Dr.Ramini .❤
Thank you doctor Ramani for all the videos. The ones you published lately were very relatable for me.
My wife is not a narcissist but she has narcissistic traits. After 3 years of marriage where i feel i have given everything and if i give more i will lose myself. So i think i am done. She ofcourse sees it diffrently, like she has given everything for the relationship and I have not appriciated her or given anything back. So word salads, blame shifting, confusion and other kinds of abusive communication have been present in our marriage.
As you mentioned in this video, when "defending" someone else ( my parents, and in reality just explaining the situation more than defending anyone) made me realise how wrong her point of view is on things and i cant accept that since she wont accept that she sees situations wrong and takes everything personally. And i have to listen to her scream at me, fix the situation or else its not possible to regulate her emotions...
This reminds me. I've been struggling with wanting to confront my dad but unsure how to bring it up. My mom emotionally abused and manipulated him their whole marriage. She hated me because (or so she said) back then she'd have been judged for getting a divorce with a kid in the middle, and I was a honeymoon baby. My parents had 2 more kids after me and I was convinced that I was the only one being neglected and abused. I tried to tell my dad a few times and figured out he wouldn't believe anything negative about how Mom parented us. My sister abused me as a teenager. I grew up feeling like the only one. As an adult looking back and collecting clues, I'm realizing that my dad and siblings were victims too in other ways. Mom rewarded my sister for being her second in command and destroying me too. It was how my sister earned her love. My brother was so disconnected he spent all his time in hiding to avoid the family. I wanted to run away but I was scared of leaving my brother, and I was still stuck in the delusion that I might be able to someday make Mom love me. My dad kept his head in the sand the whole time and here we are 13 years after Mom's death and Dad is a mess from what she did to him but still has not even hinted acknowledgement that he was not the only person in the family she screwed up. I want to ask him if he ever thought it was uncanny when I told him she did or said xyz to me that was the same thing she did to him (but I couldn't have known it). Like, why did he brush me off? Refuse to see? I was wordlessly screaming for him or anyone to save me. I was barely brave enough to tell him 3 or 4 times what was going on, and to have him shut me down... Now that I'm well past grown, I can only figure he was in survival mode and couldn't allow himself to acknowledge that he wasn't the only victim. I feel like I shouldn't confront him, no matter that his disbelief of my cries for help still hurts, because he's damaged enough and I don't want to hurt him. But I worried that there are no resources on all of YT that I can find which would tell someone who is finally seeking help for spousal abuse by way of narcissism that if they are being abused, the kids are too. That they should NOT stay together just "for the kids" because all that does is leave their abuser free access to them. At least they might have a chance to have half a normal life if the parents split.
Thank you yet again Dr. Ramani! Speaking up and advocating for fairness in the midst of abuse and imminent rage is dangerous and one must tread carefully. But after a decades of passive aggressive insults about everything, the final straw of disparaging my deceased father and closest brother gave me courage to find my voice. Realizing my silence seemingly implied consent, I do not want my adult sons to continue to see this as acceptable in any way. Finding the strength to verbalize has been wonderful and am learning to speak with greater confidence over time. I was once a respected professional who had great confidence, am finding my roots again after decades. Better late than never, oh so much wiser for it all! Good things still take time!Thank you Dr. Ramani!❤️
Defending yourself or someone else from a narcissist can be very difficult. It is true that you need to be ready for the person to end the relationship if confronted. But there can be times when the manipulation and silencing becomes unbearable and that is when I believe we have no choice but to defend ourselves. They can react however they like, but they will know that I am not a person to play with and I know within myself that I stood up and didn't allow them to push me (or a loved one) around or silence me further. It isn't about winning. I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror knowing that I let someone else be a bully. There are some of us that are not frightened by conflict or the idea of a toxic person leaving our life. Just like if someone attacked me physically I wouldn't try to win the fight, but I would defend myself, and end the conflict as quickly as possible. If the attacker gets hurt in the process, then so be it. In my experience narcissists like most bullies want an easy target, and if you don't bow to them they will move on. We are all worth defending.
I saw this coming to. Some or the majority thoughts or think that the target is stupid. And the other rest use this to study better the target. Is noy going to work with me, mentally is causing me a lot of damages!!!!!!!!!
Dear doctor, thank you
You've just explained what was happening to me lately when I was not once defending other people from certain character. I've got sudden influx of energy. It energised me. Thank you
And no, it's not close relationship. I don't have those for years. It's just a new neighbour of mine.
I can't recall how many times I've tried to defend others against narcissistic bullies. Sometimes even their flying monkeys when they were being sabotaged by the 'supposed to be friendly' narcissist. I did this not just for justice, also for myself. For if I hadn't step up, the narcissists with their blame-shifting, relationship-manipulating nature of cowardice would have eventually made up false accusations against me (because I dare to stand agains them). Sometimes my effort helped people seeing the picture more clearly, most of the time they didn't. And some fell even deeper into the traps of narcissistic scums.
Recently i tried to defend my younger brother who did a mistake, she was literally beating him miserably for bunking his college, my mother keep asking where he was , he was literally shivering while she keep yelling, not letting him have a lil time to gathered himself, i said helding her arms saying
I said, " mumma please take it easy , little gentle " ..and as i said those sentence my mother slapped me hard across my face harshly saying,
"So you're acting wise huh"...well that's not something new to me, and alot of time this happened...well it's still gonna happen i hope me and my brother would one day get out of this once we are financially independent
There is no defense against the games narcissists play. They're heavily invested in the alternate reality that they've worked so hard to create and as such, they have dissociated from the core self which is fear and shame based. They feel inadequate and tend to overcompensate. They have a poor sense of self and low self esteem and self confidence. Pathological lying and defensiveness are common traits, as is cheating. On some level they are aware of their behavior despite having superficial insight. They are fully cognizant of their harmful and destructive behavior but don't care. Devoid of empathy, guilt, remorse. It's all about them and what they can gain from their victims. Supply being key. They believe that there are only winners and losers. They are the former. They are always right.
There's no point in trying to reason or argue your point with them. It falls on deaf ears.
This, trying to defend yourself or anyone else is pointless. They don't respect boundaries. It's best to just disengage and walk away. Nobody wins. Take a lesson from your experience and use the opportunity to grow. Most victims are empaths with kind personalities and wonderful traits. They, unlike the narc attract people and maintain strong ties whereas the narc attracts people and then repels them. Discard is ultimately what occurs, by the narc or the victims. The narc may hoover but when rejected will move on replete with the deep and profound hate that they carry.
I defended a narcissist from his narcissistic sister, she was 100x worse than him. I ended up leaving her house and I was never welcome back there again. The brother I defended became a bit shocked and scared. He realised I'm not as easily controlled as he thought. He would bully me a lot, and backed off a bit for a while but it got worse until I had to call the police and leave. He locked all the doors and trapped me inside his house. I managed to escape thanks to the police and God for helping me
There were numerous times when.my Narc Ex would have a go at others necessarily, and I would defend that other person at the cost of my peace. The Narcissist, would rage at me for doing so. 🍒
Thank you Dr. Ramani ❤
I was a former enabler turned supply then survivor and now helping other survivor of narcissist relationships (not professionally just referring people to your channel and other therapist)
My father is one of them .... soooo painful 😢..... for my mom, my sister and myself
Dealing with the abuse and its scars left on me is hard enough. But my little brother is totally broken.
I feel worse for my little brother than for myself. Healing another person who endured the same as you is a huge task and a topic for itself.
My little brother is in a mental institution. My mother doesnt give me any details.
I dont know what state my brother is in. All I know is that he is suffering.
He was really intelligent and ambitious. And I havent seen him in more than 10 years.
I had to defend my kids against my controlling Narc husband all the time
My father married a narcissist, then divorced her & married another narcissist/BPD woman. He's finally free, he died a few months ago. My sister is very angry at him for not defending himself. But she's married to a narcissist herself & twists herself in knots to avoid seeing it. I'm going to make sure she sees it because I can't stand losing her too.
I ONLY need see the title to say that doing so will make you a target.
Defending your child is tough not to do
Thank you, Dr. Ramani 🩷🙏🏼
Oh my! In my decades long relationship I kept fighting back against what at the time K perceived was solely a drinking issue. I was raised my an alcoholic and I remember thinking over and over “ oh hell no, my kids aren’t going through this too!” I took the fight for them believing I could change things! Ha! I did not know what narcissism was nor that I was dealing with both issues. My “standing up” turned into me having anger issues and every time I did so it was proof of how awful I was. To this day my adult children think so well of him and treat me with contempt.
I must admit I did defend someone from a narcissist. I was waiting for my turn to be helped at a well-known electronic store. This man walked up and started a casual conversation with me. The first words out of his mouth were something along the lines of, “I’m a Genius...” I knew instantly that he probably was a narcissist. He was trying to be impressive. I figured he would treat the employees here condescendingly and i didn’t want that. So, I stroked him like a kitten. Yes, it took a little work on my part, but he was so willing to perform. And by the time it was his turn to be waited on he HAD to play nice with everyone to save face in public. I think it was worth the effort.
My ex is attacking the licensure of my therapist, our former couples therapist, claiming that his therapy made her worse than before she came in. I want to help defend his credibility against her crazy attacks, but am also afraid it will just turn the eye of Sauron onto myself and increase the chances that I become the focus of more attention.
I have gotten better at defending myself as much as other people, but I've also severely curtailed selfish people's access to me. That said I know why I used to step up and defend others- I wouldn't have put it this way back then but I was already a verbal, emotional and physical punching bag what's one more insult or hit? Changing this about myself was very hard but I've realized not taking that onto myself regularly helped me learn I am not just here to be abused. But yes back then I took the hits so others didn't have to and when I didn't I was accused of being selfish and uncaring. As I have struggled with ideation depression since puberty I have learned I cannot continue to invite further abuse on myself because my mental state will go down and I will not be safe for myself. I don't like the fact my brain runs these old narrative scripts when I get too stressed, overwhelmed, or take too many emotional hits. I have gotten better but it is exhausting to counter your own brain
Resonates - much love.
Thank you for caring and sharing. Persevering in Prayers Psalms 1-150🙏🙌🖐️👑
Thank you! I found this video particularly healing. In the last several years, I've defended myself to a number of narcissists I'd let run over me for years. Somehow I convinced myself if I were appropriately assertive, we could have mutually supportive relationships. They cut off relationships with me and I mostly blamed myself and felt abandoned. Last year, someone I trusted made some insulting remarks to me. When I told her the remarks hurt my feelings, she escalated and sent me Bible verses telling me I was judgmental although I had addressed only the remarks and not said anything critical of her. I quit intereacting with her. It was painful but progress I think.
My Best Friend passed away 5 years ago .. WHen I told the narcissit > ALL she did was crap on and lie about my friend .. I got caught in trying to defend my Recently(at that time) deceased friend.. the narcissist seemed to be fkn Worse than ever .. took delight in shitting on my dead friend :(
Many times, throughout the years, I would defend his kids, his ex-wife, siblings, when he'd go off on a tirade about them being "wrong" or "stupid" or "unintelligent", "insert whatever he was upset about". I spent time trying to get him to try to see things from their perspective (no, I didn't realize I was dealing with a narcissist at the time). It was futile. It got to the point he'd declare "this is the truth" and I'd simply say, "it's your truth and nothing more than that". Interestingly enough, these are the same people he spent time educating to become his flying monkeys. Go figure.
Oh jeez. I saw this title and some of my energy ran out of me. But then I got angry and it all came back!
Remember: victims can feel martyr-y in a narcissistic relationship. If you’re feeling like this, take note. It’s not a normal relationship. “It’s Not You!”.
Don’t take it onto yourself.
The question that I have is how do we address the issue of people who use a particular tactic called "weaponized incompetence"? This refers to individuals who intentionally attack their target with weaponized incompetence at certain tasks or duties, in order to gain some kind of advantage or control over others. They might use this tactic to force others to submit to their demands, or to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions.
What concerns me is that when we refuse to help these people, we also risk making the situation worse. They might use their weaponized incompetence to make others feel guilty or burdensome for setting boundaries or holding them accountable. This can create a toxic dynamic in relationships and organizations, where the person using weaponized incompetence is able to manipulate and control others.
I realize that this is a complex issue, and not something that is often discussed openly. However, I believe that it's important to shine a light on this tactic and to find ways to address it effectively. By understanding the root causes of weaponized incompetence and developing strategies to counter it, we can create healthier and more equitable relationships and systems.