Avoidant Personality Disorder - What is it and How did I get it?
Вставка
- Опубліковано 14 жов 2024
- What is Avoidant Personality Disorder? This little known personality disorder causes individuals to be crippled by anxiety. In this video I'll talk about what it's like, how I got it and some common misconceptions.
Yeah....I've never had a a relationship at 35. I'm extremely afraid of intimacy. It triggers my fight/flight response 😔😔😔
Im 30, never dated and it makes me feel like a TOTALLY loser 😭
I’m 30. Untill 23 I was living life and not really thinking about it. When I got to 23 I realized I let myself down. Putting too much effort in the people who didn’t love me and not enough in the ones that did. I isolated myself. I reject everyone and everything except from my family. I don’t go places, I don’t see people. I don’t have any relationships anymore, and I’m not missing the sex; but the love, the friendship I wasted. In my case I think not having a guide played a huge part. I’ve been living on my own since I was 18 and it’s really hard with Avpd.
@@P_M21 Turn the tide brother, this is not life this is death.
i feel you~
Has anything changed since you posted this? I´m 35 and exactly same situation
you described my entire life and you know it feels good when you see some people are like you and you are not alone and proved it's medical condition and can be cured
thank you
I went to a therapist and pretty much described all the symptoms of avoidant personality disorder, but she never bothered to mention to me that I might have AVDP. Im a little annoyed by this, because part of my sadness was caused by the feeling that I was completely alone in feeling this particular way. Also, i feel like my therapist did not understand the extend to which my thinking was influenced by AVPD: for example, whenever I would mention how I was scared to meet new people because I felt inferior, she would just politely say that I am not inferior, rather than actually try to change my development of thoughts and emotions.
@@Mo-mc3mw thanks bro for sharing your thoughts and experiences ❤
@@Mo-mc3mw Just find a decent therapist
@@1995yuda not as easy as it sounds
@@dimetrodonz Of course, I know it's not. But over-complicating the simple actions one can take in order to get better is also not a good idea. Getting a decent therapist is a good, simple starting point.
Having a narcissist as a parent is a big factor
YES! And I unfortunately have two narcs for parents
Try having a parent with AVPD.
@@ransbarger How is it ?
@@astrid340 Lonely. These people want to blame narcs for their problems. AVPD is inheritable.
That's true. They put you down and shame you, and that becomes a mental habit, to expect such a behavior from another people
It’s so difficult to be at a social environment, I get so awkward, I sweat profusely and seem to suffer from memory problems….and then I freeze up. I go do things because I’m trying to put myself out there but it doesn’t really help me.
You know you have AVPD when you check your spelling and punctuation 20 times before hitting send.
First I was going to say, "I don't have that problem." In the middle of writing that I realized it's a problem.
[ 🐸🍵- Insert Kermit the Frog Meme here]
This.
Me too.😔
A few years back I met a man who was a year younger than myself, there was a spark a connection but he would always come up with excuses to not meet me for dates.
It was frustrating to me.
Af first I drummed it up to being fearfully shy.
Now I see he may have an avoidant personally disorder.
Low self esteem, he felt inadequate to myself, I think he wanted a relationship with me but the fear of rejection was a big factor, so after a few years of trying to encourage him & gentle persuasion I gave up.
Now I think after watching videos & doing homework I think he has this type of personality disorder.
I believe it's hellish for him, my heart bleeds for him & anyone behaving in this manner. So much this person misses out
on in life. Being stuck in this kind of 'prison '.
My son in law is an example too.
I don't think either one will ever get help or therapy. It's 😔.
Fear of rejection & fear of being criticalized are real beliefs for them. Trapped in feelings of not being good enough or being accepted by others are real belief systems. For the man I was interested in he missed out on getting to know me & having fun times & developing & being a couple. His behavior drove me to insanity sometimes.
We stopped talking after I saw it wasn't going to lead to the relationship I wanted. It was a no win situation. Now seeing what I missed then I have much compassion for him & empathy.
He was funny, & clever & we had many interesting lengthy conversations but it never led to the personal relationship I longed for. I cried myself to sleep many 🌙 nights.
Sometimes life sucks.😢💔
Why give up on someone you like? someone you think is smart and funny and you can talk to and feel like there is an understanding? he seemed willing but afraid, so why not fight for it? show you care. I don’t mean to offend you; it’s just reading the story I can’t help myself but ask.
@@P_M21
The relationship with him was frustrating.
He would always back out of plans, excuses not reasons because of fear.
I'm too old for bullshit & playing games.
Wow, you worded this so well and I am rly touched by your empathy. Have you considered telling him this? If I was him this would make my day, and stay with me forever. As a person with AVPD, kind souls like you are what got me through my demons.
But your completely right about your issues, and its not fair for you to be doing most of the work.
Sorry abt how it ended, but on behalf of him, thx u for being such a compassionate soul,
and I hope it works out one day.
Peace
@@l.n.9462
Thank you. We did recently talk, nothing changed.
Thank you so much for speaking out about this. I have just been diagnosed and have found very little content online from others going through AvPD (for obvious reasons, given the nature of the disorder) It's really admirable that you have put yourself out there and shown that it is possible to grow from this. I hope you're doing well and thank you for inspiring others. I would love to see more AvPD content from you if possible!
Wow.... Not perfectly quoting but when you say "my value was determined by what I could for others" it hit very close to home. I had an intense session this week and said this exact thing.
would just like to point out that obsessive compulsive *personality* disorder is NOT the same as the more commonly known obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD)
Hey, just wanna say thanks for posting this & I'm proud that you've gotten so far & progressed this much & can even speak in front of a camera, with such a horrible condition that AVPD is. It gives me hope for my own journey from this horrible disorder, thank you.
I am terrified of a relationship, so much that I dont get romantic feelings for people.
You know I'm a lover, all of my crushes cold shouldered me and I got nothing but rejection and hatred you're not alone I know I'm probably never going to fall in love with a woman
Thanks for this video and sharing your experience. A lot of what you speak about resonates with me strongly. I was diagnosed with this disorder two years ago although I had major issues through most of my early life, teens and 20s. It's been very disruptive and hard to deal with leading to failed friendships and other relationships. I don't think anyone in my life understands what it's like to live with it and manage it.
I'm almost finished my own cognitive behavioural therapy and getting better. I'm now taking the time to figure out what it is I really want to do with my life.
You just described me.... What a shitty thing to have.
Hi Matthew, Thanks for putting more awareness and talking out about avpd. Did you seek out a specialist in avpd? and what kind of modality? I heard schema works well. I just moved to sydney from melb and looking for someone that might be able to help with these long standing issues. Thanks again, keep up the good work!
This video hit close to home ¦(
I'm home alone most of the time and I feel like loosing my mind
I can't handle it here but neither I can go out
"i have very few close friends"
well, i have no friend..
Same
I feel like for me, reading emotions is hard because I recognize them but overanalyze them. Making them still blurry. I also avoid my own emotions because of apd. Your video really helps me recognizing what is natural and what is not. Thank you.
are you really avpd? like this confidence and boldness 😮
I'm avpd I don't dare post videos or put myself where people would evaluate me or crticislze me
Believe it or not, as someone with avpd I wouldn’t mind putting myself out there where a bunch of strangers might judge. The way I rationalize this is by telling myself that whoever I’m talking to may in fact judge me but it’s only a limited amount of me that they can judge because they don’t see me everyday. I’d rather have a conversation with a random stranger at a bus stop because I know I most likely will never see them again so I’m quite comfortable socializing with them because they’ll never really be able to truly pry me open or get to know me. There’s a certain tranquility I can find in knowing this because even if they did judge me poorly I no longer have to see them again. I’m somebody who avoids most people because I’m afraid they’ll get too close to me so you can see why I find a conversation with a random stranger as something very easy and simple. But you wont catch me socializing very much with my coworkers at work because unlike the strangers on the bus my coworkers can potentially “figure me out” because they interact with me almost daily. If they pry too much I’ll have no choice but to disappear without a warning or a goodbye.
@@chris7285 this comment is super relatable 🤯
I agree.. However I imagine he must ve planned and practiced this to exhaustion, wanting to leave no opportunity for any criticism or negative judgement. Just like when I was at school and I had to give a presentation, I would practice everything, there would be no spontaneity in my speech, although I could fake a little bit of it where I would pause to give the impression that I was thinking of what word to use.
I feel the same way as I watch him. Good for him then. But I do not even understand how you can have a partner with this disorder. Also I recognize doing daring stuff. I always did those things in a way to prove to myself that I was not a mouse. But that is sort of a way to build a shield also. Not recognizing those patterns or ignoring them because ‘it is just the way I am’ is the problem. Because at the end of the day you are still allone. I always had depressions but when they got severe enough I got into contact with a psychiatrist for the first time. For me that was at 35 that I could not cope anymore. I was treated for depression and it was helpfull for a while because I had a method to deal with the negative selftalk. But I was living my life alone. I guess the anti depressants help keeping that lifestyle. Out of nesscesaty I had to accept work with a lot of interpersonal contact with the same people. And all of the awkardness is back again. And only now I recognize this disorder in myself after researching.
I would guess it takes some effort forcing yourself to do it or you just do it 'spontaneously' to get over it, damn the consequences.
You can also just not read or turn off your notifications, lol.
Oooh how I can relate. I have CPTSD and avpd (honestly avpd is just part of my CPTSD, but CPTSD is not part of any public psychiatric treatment offer yet in my country) - exposure is so crucial for healing. I actually did bungy jump too and find that doing something like that actually gives me a feeling that I can survive and overcome anything frightening. The social part is still hard though. I'm working hard on not avoiding and not letting the triggers paralyze me.
What an impressive struggle, and what an important work you do to many others by telling. Very well done explanation, so easy to follow and be better in understanding. Keep up your great job!
Ps. People with asperger/autism can also be hyper sensitive to what others feel and think. It is actually quite common. The complexity comes when intentions of others should be interpreted, as well as predicting how other will react to things aspies/atistic ppl say or do. A lot comes down to social environments. Some are loving and interested in differences in people, some are not and therefore making differences problematic - and into disorders. Ds
Informative and very intriguing avout what you said about APD. Makes me feel like what i gone through in my young yrs could be due to APD but im no dr. Keep up the good work Matty.
Wow his analysis of avpd is spot on for me. I have to be honest, I still need to find a way to grow through my avpd.
Yeah, confronting the fears is like jumping off a cliff while knowing that you won't survive it. For me it literally feels like suicide. That's why I avoid fearful situations...
@@MakeDemocracyMagnificientAgain that is such a good description. For me things feel so risky that my whole life is at stake.
Bingo, this is me all day long! I’ve challenged what I could however I’m 47 now and never been in a relationship however I have recently been treated for GAD using CBT. I’m using truth and acceptance of my thoughts and feelings and learning to be enough. Every day is a journey!
My dad was diagnosed with avPD at some point in his life. He was rarely present either physically or emotionally throughout my childhood. they later removed it due to his bipolar taking the center stage as the core and main factor of his issues. he told me that when i was born he wasnt able to cope and avoided me and everything surrounding it bc it was too hard.
im diagnosed with AvPD amongst other things, so i dont believe that its entirely learned behavior. From what i've read, something like Dependent personality disorder seems to be learned, while most of the other PDs tend to also have a genetic component involved.
i also have a physical disability. I have a loving mother thankfully, i wouldnt be here otherwise. my mother unfortunately chose wrongly (again) after divorcing my dad... and for a lot of my childhood i grew up with a narcissistic/psychopathic step parent. Add to that the incessant bullying in school that those with physical disabilities tend to experience, its no wonder ive developed a personality disorder. (there is a a slew of mental health issues on my dad side). It is probably due to dumb luck, or mums genetics that i did not develop bipolar, for which i am very thankful. but i do have dysthymia/persistent depressive disorder, which ive now decided to call "bipolar lite" x) OCD has also been a big thing in my life. So much time wasted on those rituals to try and appease the anxiety.
Avoidance has been, and is my main coping mechanism. i havent been in therapy for years due to my shrink deciding to take a leave of absence very suddenly during my treatment, and left me with no replacement after 3 years of going there, which hurt... a lot. my disordered behavior shows up in every facet of my life. and im not sure ill be able to turn things around before im old. Tbh i dont really want to grow old. Life sucks.
Wow, I am just learning about AvPD in the past few days even though I saw dozens of therapists and psychiatrists and it all sound so familiar. And I have a fear of diagnosing myself but everyone I ever knew from family and friends to partners told me I was distant in different words and I knew what they were referring to but none of it was intentional. I hope we can get through this.
Wow, just wanted to say thanks for making this. It hit close to home for me. Thanks for sharing your solutions too. Glad you were brave enough to share
I bloody knew you were going to recommend facing the things that you fear. Can't I just take a pill or something!?!? 🤪
lmfao
It feels good to know that you overcome your fears. Best thing is realisation that things once anyone avoid initially can turn really existing after a open and welcoming attempt.👍
3:50 - 4:30 Wow, that really resonated with me, thank you for helping me get closer to understanding why I am the way I am
Hi Matthew, Today I've finnished MAFS USA 9 season, I think this show is real. It's very different to MAFS Australia. In this season, we can show the experts talk about the toxic relationships. There were two toxic relationships, but one of this relationships are married for 3 years. The experts really explain why this people are toxic and they help to improve the situation. Finally, the couple continues married.
First relationship at 39. I need help, suffering very badly. Therapists have been clueless so far. Being given medications for ADHD that are not helping and increasing anxiety and obsessions.
How are your relationships today?
I do not want to fix anything at this point, I'm almost over for social life, I just want to shut down the pain. I did have some success, though, getting that inner peace, but it is very ephemeral.
You are really lucky, that you got out. It's hell on earth :(
Ill start by stating that I have not been diagnosed by a professional, however I have a strong suspicious because I have all symptoms and I identify with all descriptions mentioned in videos. The best summary of ADVP I have found was this: "I feel like everyone around me knows how to be human except me" and "I feel like I am a spectator to others living their life"
@@Mo-mc3mw Nail on the head! I always project what other people are thinking, almost as if I have to have a reason to exist.
My long marriage to a narcissist was a contributing factor to later-in-life avoidant personality order; it has been far easier to simply avoid the chance of again choosing a dysfunctional damaging partner by simply going it alone. I felt like a target of abuse almost like - in my case - a human predator could smell out my vulnerabilities and leap to hurt and control me.
I can relate...I'm just now realizing my behavior is consistent with AVPD as I was also in relationship with a narcissist...20 plus years.
Thanks for this video Matt. I really relate. I appreciate your bravery in doing videos.
A sibling with a very disordered pattern of behavior who had to be kept happy at all costs. Hard relate. Was also assaulted by this sibling when I was 3 or 4. Parents were preoccupied with their failing marriage, substance abuse and codependency. As the youngest I felt like there was no room for my pain in the family, but because I could not erase the pain I withdrew.
Incredibly helpful and comforting. Thank you
I, too, picked up lifting as a source of solace during my most intense isolation.
I wanted to be more attractive. I framed it as 'attractiveness is social armor'.
I thought, maybe if I were pretty enough, I'd get enough positive feedback and validation that I'd be less terrified of people all the time. I knew that this was a nonsense fantasy, but it still drove me. I didn't know what else I might do. Practicing social interactions directly was an exhausting, terrifying, awful experience.
I'm doing much better now. 😁
I think antisocial and or borderline personality disordered caregivers can promote avoidant personality disorder in children. That’s my theory. There’s not much discourse on the etiology.
Yes, there is, the trouble is that until 1980 (and in some clinicians' work, after 1980) it was referred to as schizoid personality disorder, or simply "borderline" (referring to a very broad category of personality disordered patients, not just those with BPD).
@@jiminy_cricket777 Okay DSM iterations/volumes is not the same as etiology. Schizoid PD and Borderline PD have different symptomology and criteria than avoidant. Avoidant has its own category in the DSM-III. There actually is comprehensive etiological information as well. Thus, I retract my previous comment. However, the etiology provided by the DSM-III seems compatibility with my theory/initial argument.
absolutely avpd are kids of narcissistic/antisocial people bpd including I'm reality case my father is antisocial and grew up with bpd aunt
@@Shante112XO I wasn't referring to the DSM construct. Look at Ralph Klein's work on the schizoid disorder of the self in the chapters he authored on this topic in the book he edited with his colleague, James Masterson, titled Disorders of the Self: New Therapeutic Horizons. Or Elinor Greenberg's more recent book Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations (you can find a pretty good set of interviews with her on UA-cam from the Disorderly Conducts UA-cam channel that introduce this stuff, she was a student of Masterson and Klein's). Loray Daws (another Masterson trained therapist) also authored a good, very brief intro to this way of thinking which you can find on google easily, title is "Is There Anybody Out There?"
Also Jeffrey Seinfeld's book, The Empty Core (can find this on libgen, it's out of print now), and the chapter on schizoid personalities in Salman Akhtar's book Broken Structures, which explains in some detail the AvPD vs. SzPD construct debate and the fact that this division wasn't based in any statistical evidence or clinical case study evidence.
@@jiminy_cricket777 ahhh got you. Supposedly schizoid types have no motivation to have friends while Avoidant types are motivated but are inhibited by fear of rejection/ridicule. On the surface severe social anxiety and avoidant PD seem more similar.
Hey Matthew this is great. I’m 26 and most of my symptoms started showing when I got into disability for half my 20s. It sucks. The intimacy and not having. A relationship is what hurts. I’m curious as to how you moved past that?
you are making so much sense. Thank you.
Hey man I appreciate your video on AVPD, as I can relate although I’ve never been diagnosed. Obvious anxiousness and fear are two symptoms associated. Have you become soo anxious (fearful to an extent) that you felt paranoid to a certain degree and unable to focus causing problems with daily tasks?
Any feedback would be greatly appreciated
Thanks
G'Day. I understand your reluctance to play amateur schrink and analyse certain participants on that program. However I suspect that a student could write a thesis on this matter. Perhaps a professor could do a lecture series in this regards.
Thanks for sharing about this Matty. Good video. I'd love to hear more about the quirks of having AVPD and what helped you improve. It seems like my husband has it (which makes marriage quite a challenge - Dr Todd Grande has a good video on that topic actually, just saying). So I shared your video for him to watch too. Thanks again. Stay brave and keep sharing your insights, please.
This literally happens to me every single day. Other humans are walking triggers to me. Even ones I have spent years around. Even the two friends I have, which I’ve had since childhood. I want to seek diagnosis but I am terrified of being rejected or told I am just looking for a diagnosis or trying to look special or that I am being dramatic or something.
Are you me?! Goddamn i have never related so hard. Thank you.
You seem to be doing well. Good luck
I have actually been hearing that AvPD is highly treatment resistant, did CBT actually help you reduce the feelings of Avoidance or just alter some of the behaviors around it?
Hi michael! I'm a person that lives with Avoidant personality disorder and I will say from my personal experience that CBT didn't help much if at all. If you'd like a more in depth of Avoidant personality disorder I'd suggest Dr. Todd Grande's "Avoidant Personality Disorder. Comprehensive Review". In this he goes on to state exactly what your skepticism is, which is that CBT doesn't quite do the trick. He says its very possible to change the behavior, but changing the behavior doesn't equal a change in mentality. He also states in that video from scientific research that AvPD has both a genetic and environmental component. AvPD is extremely difficult to live with as it really is a silent killer as you can actually have the ability to "act" normal in social situations but still feel the inner emotional turmoil. Its suffering in silence to the fullest.
@@livelikelarry0017 OK, that is good information to know. I do feel that CPT helped me *some* last year, when dealing with some childhood issues I’d been carrying with me for some time
@@michaeladams6154 absolutely, talking things out and recognizing the trauma is something I benefitted from as well. It was just hard to change the symptoms in my situation. I wish the best for you!
CBT never worked at all for me
Mindfulness however has helped Noticing your thoughts but not trying to change them is a much better approach. Recognise your thoughts are simply the working off your own conditioned mind. They are not personal, they do not belong to you, they are simply your past experiences being replayed in your mind. Getting interested in spirituality really was a lifeline to me and I would urge anybody else suffering with this terrible illness to do the same
The only part I disagree with is the treatable part, not everyone is able to correct it. This is especially true of those with unchangeable characteristics that may feed into it (disabilities, speech issues, gait abnormalities, etc).
Had it since childhood, will have it till the day I die!
well that was huge, thnk you sirr.. unfortunately AvPd will leave most of us without understanding partner ever so thats that.. happy for you for sure tho
As a counselor I have it
Thanks for this video. But I disagree with you concerning the statement that AvPD is a pattern that is learned. In my case, part of why I developed AvPD was being bullied for most of my childhood and youth. You could say that from this I'd learned things like "there's no use trying to connect with people, nobody's going to like me anyway" and "don't do anything that makes you stand out, it WILL be used against you". However if you take a closer look, you'll have to ask WHY I got bullied so much? Because I was the ideal victim BECAUSE of my avoidant personality. When threatened or attacked, my first gut reaction is, and has always been, to withdraw, give in, or isolate myself in order to avoid conflict at all cost. In other words, it's not bullying, abuse or neglect that makes you develop AvPD, it's having AvPD that makes you prone to being bullied, abused and/or neglected.
Thanks for sharing.
that was really interesting
Avoidant, dependent, & obsessive-compulsive sounds like ALL of me. Wtf
Isnt there a study stating its highly genetic? From fathers side?
Wow.... Me thinking I'm autistic to find this video and relate to 100% of it.
I'm on the same boat, buddy
Same things happening to me exactly,
i learned to be at least a little open towards new things. i do listen to myself if i don't like it.
i guess i just met my loved ones very late in my life..~
i do know that i am very comfy with my loved ones~
on the flipside, a single person being overall very negative and frustrated towards myself is... a setback in my pov.. but if i talk about it with my loved ones, i tend to overcome it and see it on a clear level~
thank you~
Hi mate I’m just wondering what you mean by check out emotionally, like zone out of a conversation in a way?
I’ve always been anxious in social situations but after lock down things have got much worse and I gradually started losing contact with people and avoided social contact at all costs it’s caused me to loose my social skills and I’m in a deep hole atm don’t know what to do
For me it comes and goes, recently Narcissistic brothers triangulated victimized me out of envy, didn't want to follow parents instructions, it will take a lifetime to financially recover if at all, monsters court system and police departments love it it makes them money gives them something to do, they are of no help! Still healing monsters character impaired criminals, sad to say demons not humans.
Thank you
I'm having high functioning avpd ..with insomnia due to fear of criticism any1 else wid these problems
I was like that for a while. High functioning. Until things eventually got too much and I crashed hard into a severe depression. I'm only now coming to grips with it. Very hard thing to live with.
Very loud and vocal sister, and bipolar mother...Was very little time for me.
God
9
I wish i didn't have a phone number so no one can't talk to me 😂😂😂😂
Like looking in a mirror.
thank you so much! happy new year 2024 !
This video is very inspiring. 👏
i started recording, documenting my journey intending to liberate from AvPD, if anyone wants to check out the vids, join, just be as a community talking abt it, i’d love to connect thru this 🙏🏼🤍