10 Signs of a Husband with Avoidant Personality Traits
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- Опубліковано 21 гру 2019
- This video answers the question: What are the signs of an avoidant husband?
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Snir, A., Bar-Kalifa, E., Berenson, K. R., Downey, G., & Rafaeli, E. (2017). Affective instability as a clinical feature of avoidant personality disorder. Personality Disorders: Theory, Research, and Treatment, 8(4), 389-395. doi-org.mylibrary.wilmu.edu/1... (Supplemental)
Sellbom, M., Carmichael, K. L. C., & Liggett, J. (2017). Examination of DSM-5 section III avoidant personality disorder in a community sample. Personality and Mental Health, 11(4), 299-313. doi-org.mylibrary.wilmu.edu/1...
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www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/arti...
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10 signs
1.over processing perfunctory & serious conversations
2.comorbidity - depression, substance abuse, Panick attacks
3.Vulnerable narcissism
4.Anxious & fearful attachment
5.Fear of being laughed at
6.victim of childhood neglect
7.affective instability
8.strong need for
9.trouble recognising fear in facial expression
10.self blame
Nine of the ten apply in my case, but trouble recognising fear in facial expressions, no, but one thing I do recognise is the discomfort my discomfort contributes to in others--I can certainly recognise those facial features and body language, even when someone is making a real effort to hide their discomfort--it's an awful feeling knowing your avoidant behaviour makes others feel uncomfortable!
Every video on this channel makes me feel like I have every disorder mentioned LMAO
Well, Peter, as our friend Kermit knows, "It's Not Easy Being Green".... 🎵🎶
@@tuck-brainwks-eutent-hidva1098 cute, love it, both of ya!💞💫😁🍀
lol 😂
Yeah...It's like half of each personality's traits are a yes, a couple are meh, and a couple are the opposite...does that qualify as normal personality disorder?🤣
🤣🤣 don't worry that happens to everyone that reads the DSM also
Sign 11: Since you've been married you can't find him anywhere in the house.
@@DM-gb9xq so very true, all the way around. However, to complicate issues further;
INTIMACY (emotional) is
challenging for most of us.
@@DM-gb9xq so a man with no hobbies to match your boring life? Got it
@@DM-gb9xq Don’t even explain yourself.
Lol 😂
There is this issue around avoidance of really leaving parents; then not having the ability to properly cleave to a spouse... Would the scientifically informed doctor agree: 'Leaving spouse - behaviour' is then set in motion; in place of leaving parents?
Initially could be leaving spouse alone physically and/or withdrawing emotionally while at home... Then progress towards establishing credentials of defiant independence in public; by for example maintaining physical distance, extending critisism and mean insults infront of others... Later be going out with others, without taking spouse along.
I can't help but feel like this disorder is a direct result from years of narcissistic abuse from an early age 🤷♂️ Maybe some people are born with it, but looking back at my childhood experiences and the harsh behavior I had to endure from others growing up, I can't help but feel like me having a lot of these behaviors are a result of that.
When people are hostile to you from a young age, it tends to form that as your world view and that you have to be on guard all the time. And when you realize how exhausting it is to be hyper vigilant 24/7, foregoing social relationships is the only way you can truly feel at ease. Idk, but that's just how I see it anyways.
It's a long and lonely road
These disorders can often be traced back to our childhood; mine certainly is!
Nice comment. I'm 56. I actually have all these traits. A lot of self understanding going own with me. I just started learning about this disorder
@@markjohnson7357 Plagued me since childhood, spent a great deal of time analysing self and attempting to hide severity of disorder!
A personality disorder is almost never diagnosed in children but there are some precursors that could point to a higher risk for someone to develop a personality disorder later in life. For example conduct disorder is a precursor for antisocial personality disorder. For avoidant personality disorder usually extreme shyness in childhood is a precursor.
I have come to realize at age 40 that I had more strife in my childhood that I might care to admit. You also have to contend with this person and cannot escape from them, but you can avoid.
It seems all three (BPD, Avoidant PD, and vulnerable narcissism) are all shame-based, and that’s why many of the behaviors are the same.
Interesting !
And why many of them will not seek therapy. Shame is a nasty thing.
Very insightful...I recognize this from personal experience...
My father has this and sometimes I just feel so angry because of it.
Wulfis why is that?
My ex! Great guy - avoided everything. I just thought he didn't emote at all which made life impossible regarding communication, but this is him! Great content!
Poppy Fields do you know if he has Aspergers?
Mine was like this and 11 years of off/on, finally got the diagnosis of Aspergers.
When someone first suggested it, I ignorantly thought “no way”... he’s a Dr, and didn’t fit whatever assumptions I had about it. The person who first suggested it, had a child with Aspergers..and once you know it, you can almost always accurately spot it.
The communication issues, incongruous body language, everything taken literally, some special interests, difficulty with empathy and compromise all made sense after a diagnosis.
Of course, there are people with avoidant issues, without Aspergers..,but there are so many similarities.
I realized I needed much more connection, true relating, and want someone with a high EQ, not just high IQ!
@@Alphacentauri819 Thanks for responding. No, he's been married twice since and I think he was beat down as a child. I think he was smart, but I wouldn't swear to him having a higher than average IQ.
So interesting -- and refreshing -- to see that you can recognize your ex was a great guy and still not have lived with this (don't know if he just happens for other reasons to have become an ex, or if this is the reason!)... I think the passivity/avoidance leads to a different version of relationship harm than the damage that comes with abusive tendencies! My former husband and I parted relatively peacefully -- largely because of this pattern, I think.
@@tuck-brainwks-eutent-hidva1098 Yes! We parted because of lack of communication, and I became fairly close friends with his second wife who passed away after 20 years with him. It was all very amicable. 🙂 I was only 20 when I married him, so...🤪 Happy Holidays! 🎄🥂
@@LaMaestra2102 Blessings in 2020!
Very interesting to hear how avoidant personality disorder overlaps with Vulnerable Narcissism and Borderline personality Disorder. Please do a video on the attachment styles in detail.
I wondered how likely this was .. It's seems there is a fair chance of overlap with vulnerable narcissm
@@autisticautumn7379 I found it unexpected...
Yes this is very interesting and it does help with some things I have been wondering about with some people I know.
Great observation
before being diagnosed with avpd, I was in a relationship with a girl who had bpd. It was the most intense experience of my life, and pushed me further into avoidance I believe. Scary
I love the informal setting without his degrees framed on the wall behind him. He's all about teaching us. Thank you, Dr. Grande. 🙏❣
Likely this is filmed in his home office and his campus office has his diplomas..that was so for me before I retired as a psych prof.
I work as an investigator for a health authorization. If you aren’t displaying proper qualifications and licensing you get in sh*t. Only so many contraventions and ur done. It’s not pompous. This is likely his home office.
How the hell does he get married in the 1st place if they fear being too close?
Yes, I take your point about the good Doctor's humility but, personally, I would like to see some of his degrees etc framed, on the wall behind him, just the most important ones. So we know he is a real psychiatric expert who truly does know what he's talking about and we can safely take notice and learn much from him about how to navigate our way through our own personality disorders and mental health issues, as well as deal with how others, with their own personality disorders etc interact with us. And nobody will be perfectly normal and sane, like some like to try to convince us they are. Everybody will have some sort of personality disorders or mental issues, though some will obviously be more serious than others and require more ski in handle g, both within your own mind and also in handling the impact of others on your own mental health. And, also, let's never forget that the way you are or with all your own mental disorders you are probably not even aware you may have, will always have some sort of potential adverse effect on those you interact with. At work. At school or university. In your own family. Among friends. In your romantic relationships. In the community eg how you react to the Covid authorities ordering you to correctly wear your properly fitted face mask, as required in half of now locked down Australia etc etc. This "awareness" that Dr Grande's videos can give people could be very useful to help them navigate modern life and society etc in all its complexity and figure out a way to safely and successfully handle potentially troublesome situations that can arise eg personality clashes at work or at home, where you cannot simply quickly just pack up and walk away.
I love Dr Grande and his analysis. He reminds me a doctor that saved me few years ago, I went to many doctors, none of them were capable of listening to me and my symptoms. The first time I went to his clinic, he gave me the right prescription medication and saved me. I am telling you, psychiatry is a call, you can not do it for the money. The man was a beast, became the top doctor in a big city where I lived before, he was the head of psychiatry there, he was a professor, I am telling you, a huge professional.
Watching your different personality videos makes me question: Do “normal” people exist without quirks or personality issues? By watching your videos I can point out many of these different issues in everyone I know. I can even point out some of these things in myself. I guess we are all a work in progress. I try to be as balanced as I can be, but there is stil a lot of things in myself that I don’t like and would like to change.
Well, everything is on a spectrum. Personality theories like MBTI, enneagram, etc expose what issues someone is more likely to struggle with. I think base personality makes someone more or less likely to develop certain disorders (especially personality disorders).
We all have quirks and issues. The question is do your quirks/issues interfere with your functioning by causing you (or others close to you) great distress and is it a long-term pattern of behavior. As the other commenter wrote, it’s a spectrum.
These issues are very severe and interfere in the daily life of someone who is suffering from a disorder.
It’s when any particular trait becomes an actual problem requiring treatment. But you’re right everyone has traits of some type.
@@sporogymno - I totally agree and wish some of these docs would address the possible match ups in videos. For example, I could see INTJ being strongly associated with avoidant personality.
#1 sign: he doesn’t exist because he was too scared to talk to you
Lol 😂
Being locked in by fear as such, is no joke though... Avoiding to really relate to others; this spirit of fear (of man) brings a snare; it steals, kills and destroys...
i am extremely shy and even though i know i typically make good impressions, i feel painfully socially inept! but, because i think a large part of my good impression is based off of being a cute girl who fawns when anxious or simply goes mute and smiles at people? a guy like me, who is so awkward and even freakish (i'm constantly fidgeting and self-soothing and rounding my shoulders). anyways, i have only been approached by creepy guys in the past, or ones who were simply not my type. i realised that my type will rarely be the kinda guy to approach a girl first (and i don't frequent anyplace frequently enough to be familiar with someone yet). so, i am going to try and approach people first, and at least befriend them!
I had reactive attachment disorder as a small child. Unfortunately I was adopted by a very abusive mother and an emotionally distant father. I seem to have almost all of these traits along with OCD and PTSD. My husband of 23 years is diagnosed Bipolar type 1 and NPD. People always wonder how we manage to stay together. It's hard to talk to anyone about myself but I'm trying hard in therapy. I want to be happy and help others.
So sorry to hear of your struggle; so glad you are deeply engaging the healing process! (I am an -- imperfect, but not abusive! 😉 -- adoptive mom; it's particularly tragic when losses and other harms for children pile up in this way 😔.) Hang in there -- may you and yours enjoy a peaceful and joy-filled holiday! 🎅🤶
May God bless you and give you joy.
Not so fast there shylocie, I too would like to know how in the world you and your husband have managed to keep it going with the kind of struggles the two of you have acquired throughout your lives? Those are not just trivial annoyances like being messy or not punctual. Is it a happy marriage? Please share!
Can you let us know how this is working for you two. Tips? :) thanks
Being separated from your mother causes trauma. Facebook group Adoption Sucks is a helpful place to read, write, learn and interact, while unadopted folks like me are allowed in there to learn etc too.
Yep.This is me.I always watch Dr.Grande's videos but this is the 1st one where it feels like he diagnosing me.Keep up the good work.
Thx for this video! I've watched your videos for awhile now and had concluded my husband displays some avoidant personality traits. Several points you made in this video were new to me and apply to him strongly. He may not "believe" in therapy, but your video is still valuable because it helps me to understand him better.
After years of abuse ...im in my bubble and im safe there and I love it.
I think I can understand completely what you want to express: You had your fair share of bad karma dumped over your head for years, maybe even decades. Now that it has ended for quite some time your freedom is your calmness. Living unharrassed is really valuable and at times rewarding.
Same here sis. At the age of 53 I have absolutely had enough of everyone's BS
I love your videos. Well presented, great impartiality, thoughtfulness. You’re definitely impacting the world through your realms of expertise. Thank you
Sir you nailed it, you really nailed it! This problem costed me a great wife, huge regret that I have to live with the rest of my life. So I count the blessings that I still have daily!!!
Hi, I’m very curious about your situation. Were you married and it ended or did you not end up getting married because of AVPD? Or another situation? I almost didn’t get married because at the time I didn’t know I had AVPD. I knew that there was something about my personality but I didn’t know it had a label. I wish I had sought counseling way before I got married. AVPD really puts some strain on a marriage and limits growth between your relationships.
@@DH-pz7bc I was married, but then separated and after the separation I was having difficulty returning to my wife because of the AVPD, so my eventually divorced me. Though we were never angry at each other and we're still friends and give each other the upmost respect, still it was damaging to lose such a great wife. But I can't complain, because of the blessings I have and things could've gotten way worse, but the AVPD, actually kept me from getting into any other damaging relationships that were being offered to me at that time.
@@davidbanner9344 Thanks for sharing. Glad to hear you recognize positives in your life now. The AVPD kept you from getting into bad relationships, sounds like this is sort of a blessing and a curse at the same time.
@@DH-pz7bc You're very Welcome and yes blessing and curse, I agree!
@@davidbanner9344 I have been able to enter into another relationship since you two divorce. I am in a similar situation with A BPD wife. We are basically roommates after being separated 7 years. It's been the a very intense relationship with many peaks and valleys. I asked her to leave yesterday because it's just getting chaotic again.
Hey everybody, Avoidant Personality Disorder here. I have never heard anything so spot on before. During my teenage years, it was not as bad. My first panic attack really brought out the Avoidant traits to the extreme, and ending up with me being diagnosed with Agoraphobia. With proper medication and therapy, I have been able to come leaps and bounds.
Thank You Dr. Grande for this important video. I really appreciate all of your videos. They are encouraging, motivating and reassuring.
Wow this really hit home! I thank you very much for talking about this topic.
Merry Christmas Dr. Grande!
Loved this explanation of the disorder.
Amazingly accurate!
Thank you for all always, Dr Grande. I wish an excellent holiday season to you and your near and dear ones🙌💕🍀😎
A lot of this fits with how I was in the past. Eventually this led to me being targeted by a Narc and I was forced to overcome my fears to handle that conflict. I still have OCD tho lol.
Narcs are garbage humans that can only subsist off of others' pain, evolutionary defects.
The same thing happened to me
That's the no 1 reason why you tell your problems only to trusted people
I went through the exact same thing last year
Probably one of the best educaional videos for me personally I have ever listened to and I will have to listen to it several times. Really beneficial and enlightening. Thank you.
This is extremely helpful, Dr. Grande. Many sincere thanks to you.
Thank you SO much for this! Since I discovered your channel, I have discovered so many valuable insights to both others and myself!
Thanks for your content! I've been trying to assess my 2nd husband's personality quirks for years. And until this video and the one on vulnerable narcissism, I was completely lost. No other diagnosis seemed to fit. ( So much confusion for an abnormal psych major) 🤷
This info will help us both in our individual therapies. Because, I have always felt like once you have a general idea of a starting place, you can tailor the therapy to be more personal & waste less time. I've got my own issues to deal with, so it helps to give him the language that will help him "help himself" & all the correct questions. BTW, spot on about the divorce stuff. It only took him 7 years & two kids between us for him to finalize his divorce from his first wife! And 2 years later, + several years of my intensive therapy & substance abuse counseling for him to finally recognize that I wasn't going anywhere. He needed to start looking inside himself instead of trying to get me to fix myself for this relationship to work. Thanks again! 👍❤️
Sounds very similar with my relationship. It took 8 years for him to get the divorce completed
Thank you Dr.Todd Grande for explaining so beautifully and in detail about Avoidant Personality in a partner and how it is related to Social Anxiety disorder etc. 🤗🙏
I would not have thought that avoidant personality overlaps with vulnerable narcissism. Very interesting! Food for thought! Thank you for the amazing videos, dr. Grande!
I think the VN is an aware avoidant trying to break out
I'm amazed that someone with this personality would get married at all
Very interesting, as always! 🙌👏👏👏 so much to discover
Avoidance personality disorder is a deep debilitating fear of rejection which in turn creates deep anxiety in social situations. As a result, eye contact is generally avoided and head is generally held down. People with this disorder isolate themselves and find comfort in video games and the internet. Usually one notice the signs in themselves as a teenager. Catching this disorder at the first signs is key. As time goes by one only becomes more socially inapt. I was 15 at my first signs and I was never treated. I am now in my 40’s and married. I still find that I am most comfortable in isolation. My wife likes socializing and holding events and so of course that’s awkward and mentally draining for me lol.
And if your wife has BPD would that relation ship works? Because one is in demand to show emotions and AvPD can't show much emotions
@@monarao8271 your comment kind of remind me of Mr. Spock from the TV series Star Trek. Although Mr. Spock showed very little if any emotion, the crew and the people who watched the show still found him to be charming regardless and females adored him. That said, I think that it’s important that we stop dwelling on our so called weaknesses and start playing to our strengths. Relationships is about understanding, compromise. People love differently. For example, one way of showing my love to my wife and this is the compromising part is by supporting and sometimes dragging myself to one of her social events. People with avoidance personality disorder like things intimate. One on one. I show my love by holding hands, wining and dinning, going to a movie, etc. No, I am not emotional in the traditional sense but that is where understanding comes in at. Nobody’s perfect. Now, if I was with someone with BPD. First, in what scenario would I have gotten with that person in the first place? I am who I am. That would have been obvious early on in the relationship. You can’t force someone to be something that their not
@@monarao8271 hi, I don’t understand your question? Me and my wife is not in a long distance relationship. On a different topic, someone who suffers from avoidance personality disorder have a very hard time associating let alone finding the courage to ask someone out on a date lol. This extreme fear of rejection or not living up to the perceived expectations of others has always been my fear and that fear also carries on to things like going on job interviews etc. As a result I have skipped a lot of opportunities and have only been in a few relationships in my life and I am close to 50yo. It was always them to make the initial pass at me and be persistent about it on a daily. I have never had the ability to walk up to someone randomly and start up a conversation. I have always envied those with the ability to do this with ease lol. I think the key for me was coming to terms with the fact that I will always be socially awkward and not care. That, I will never be the life of the party and not try. That building upon my strengths rather then dwelling on my weaknesses trying to be something that I wasn’t is key. That it takes facing my fears by participating in social events such as graduations, family reunions, etc. That said, I will probably always be the most comfortable alone in my own space. There is no cure for that.
@@3b0ny1 thankyou for this detail... I just want you to assume if you are living far away from your wife then she is the one who always calls you or text you?or you also did that...I don't know how to ask but thanks anyway your reply was helpful
@@3b0ny1 I think you will find you are a rarity to be a married avoidant.
I definitely have some of those traits.it’s quite sad. I quite often feel they’re gone, then they come back. Very costly emotionally. Love your vids dr grande.
I've been diagnosed with APD and DPD. These traits sit very accurately in my experience.
Thanks Dr - you have helped me to understand components of my 41 year marriage to a man I loved very much.
I've only just recently come to the conclusion that my husband has Avoidant PD with comorbid Dependent PD but I had noticed the overlap with vulnerable narcissism.
My husbands mother has vulnerable narcissism and thus my husbands needs weren't met. His entire family lack emotion and the only behaviours the mother would display were negative: bitterness, always the victim, scowling, silent treatment. No warmth, no depth of emotion, no real parental attachment.
Some of my husband's behaviour is like his mother's (constant negativity) but it presents differently.
My husband deals with the issues that arise from his behaviour is by denying, defending, justifying, blaming. When he finally has a break through he cries and expresses how isolated and lonely he feels (when he's the one who isolates himself) and how much shame he feels.
He's recently recognised how he's been and I've told him he needs to seek therapuetic help while he's acknowledging things because otherwise I can't stay in this relationship where our lives are controlled by his moods and his avoidance of anything that puts him out of his comfort zone.
Wow
@@dianaraston8506 Does he ever become verbally unpleasant or abusive or shames you for things you want, only because if he criticises you he doesn't need to face that he's in the wrong...? Or that the problem lies with him?
@@janefaceinthewind6260 That which is different and strange in any way, is seen as wrong... Narrow-minded... Not making friends with what one does not know... Not learning from and submitting to others... In essence about fear of not being in control of everyone and everything around.
aw, thank you for loving him 🥺
Very interesting topic .Thank you for explaing this disorder Dr Grande . 🧡
Dr. Grande, your videos are grandiose! Thank you for your work. You explain lots of things extremely clear, gives hope to overcome the suffering with unexplained behaviours.
This is fascinating because before I realized I had AvPD, i was starting to question if i was a vulnerable narcissist. Good to know I'm not way off there!
Why would you find that a good thing
Thank you Doctor Grande. This video has helped me immensely!
These videos are always class, thank you Dr Grande! Merry christmas and a great start into 2020!!!
Avoidant partners create a joyless lufe
Ok, I definitely have this. Everything fits perfectly after watching all of Dr. Todd Grandes videos about avoidant personality. The only thing I am not sure about is the 9th sign which was the "inability to recognize emotions of fear". It's the first time I am hearing this and I never really thought about that.
I am not gonna seek therapy anyway so it doesn't really matter.
Very interesting. Thank you, Dr Grande.
Wow, this video really made me realise I likely have AvPD. I have all the symptoms to a significant degree. I also have recurrent depression, ADHD, and anxiety, and my care team initially thought I might have BPD because of my shyness/lack of relationships, mood lability, and intense self hatred. I also had two specific weird symptom that I could never attribute to anything- the fear of being known, and a fear of intimacy - which sound exactly like AvPD. I don't want to self diagnose so I'll be bringing it up with my provider. Thanks for the video! More people need to see your content.
And we are all experiencing the symptoms in a similar way, troubled by a similar train of thought! I tick all the boxes, have done since childhood, resigned to, but tormented by, the fact this is how I will be to my dying day; avoided by others because our awkward avoidant behaviour, in turn, makes them feel uncomfortable!
Thank you, Dr. Grande ❤
Dear Dr. Thank you for putting words to something that has baffled me for the past 12 years. Thank you so much. I have more understanding now and will sure there’s help gotten
Thanks Doc...you are helping more people than you could ever guess...
Thank you so much for helping me to understand what was causing my husband's inability to express emotions he is one that will never get help but he does have a generous side if you are patient
Excellent video and insight. Thank you.
Way too late in my life to finally realize the mental state I have suffered with my whole life. At 75 I no longer desire to change and so have become a virtual hermit.
Kim A Hafley
Thank you Kim, my story precisely and it’s (perhaps oddly) reassuring to read where someone else has endured the same life. Like you I have reached old age with the same outcome...isolation. Well now I don’t feel so alone. Many thanks
It’s not difficult to have a good life with this diagnosis. I spent a lot of my time saving for retirement,
Hugs for you Kim
You’ve got your whole life ahead of you 😀
❤
Thanks for the interesting content! I'd be curious to know more about Paranoid Personality Disorder in a friendship or marriage.
Very interesting. Thanks DR. Grande
You have just helped me so much with this video. Fifteen years of complete confusion and heartbreak for me and my man. I thought maybe he had a form of autism. He is in treatment now as he knew he was desperate for help. We just had no idea what he was dealing with. This is him spot on, especially with the fear and dreams and issues sleeping due to them. Thank you Dr. Grande 🤩🙏🤩😇
Is there an update on your husband's recovery?
This is me too, but when your partner thinks you are just making excuses, that it isn't real, that it can easily be controlled, they take it very personally, they think you are actually trying to hurt them, make them suffer, but how does someone AVOID the symptoms of avoidant behaviour 24 hours a day? It's shaped my whole existence since childhood. Yes, I've had lots oof relationships, been married four times, but they all go the same way because avoidant personality means you cannot function normally in a relationship, you cannot sustain the effort required to keep a relationship healthy.
My current marriage is coming up to 11 years, I try to convince my wife she would be far better off without me, that it would be better for me to suffer alone, not have my crippling disorder impact on those around me, but human nature being what it is, that only makes her feel even more attached, more desperate for my attention, which then troubles my conscience even more, prevents me from going through with leaving her.
By staying, my avoidant behaviour causes hurt, she feels rejected, takes it personally, but if I leave it is all to clear her suffering will go through the roof. She is a needy person, the sort who places her parter at the centre of her world, wants to be with me all the time, to the exclusion of everyone else, so she is impacted more than most, shows all the signs of giving up on life if I'm not in it.
So it's a Catch 22 situation, remaining means she suffers with feelings of rejection, believing she isn't love (not true), not understanding the effort it takes to provide the attention she needs is unsustainable, burns me out, and then it comes across as being heartless, uncaring, but if I leave, wanting to do the right thing for her in the long run, it will destroy her.
When you have a conscience, when you feel humanity, avoidant personality is an even greater curse, the continuous guilt, stress, anxiety and chronic depression are excruciating, make you feel like you don't deserve to live, that it would be better if you didn't!
I have long believed there is no escape from the avoidant personality prison, that no one and nothing can help me; it's plagued me from childhood and will haunt me to my dying day, and what torments me the most is the impact it has on those closest to me!
What you explain about nightmares was interesting. I experienced break-up-situation nightmares for over a decade.
I have an avoidant personality. Definitely had the disorder. I have been in treatment for over two years and my condition has without a doubt improved considerably. So I am not sure if I would still be diagnosed. Probably would.
Once again very interesting video. I had a phase a few months ago where I was wondering whether I maybe had shizoid tendencies. It's just...sometimes I wonder why I feel so little. Most people seem much more...immersed in their emotions. It's not that I am emotionless but there is a...distanced component to it. Of course how that you mention it it is kind of "obvious" that, yes, I hide feelings of shame, sadness, and anger by suppressing emotional expression. But I don't just suppress the expression (I certainly do that as well), I suppress the emotion. Of course much easier for me to just shut down unwanted emotions than it is for our husband because I am not in a relationship.
Anyway, thank you for the video, Dr. Grande. Any deep dive on avoidant personality disorder or traits is always much appreciated.
Thank you for sharing your experience! Have you dealt with any childhood trauma issues in therapy? Curious about the role of trauma and ability to access emotions…
Good topic. Thanks Dr. G
Good video again! So interesting.
At 9:21 I obtained the most useful information about myself. I have a pretty positive self-regard but am avoidant. Your precision in discussing these issues is greatly appreciated Dr. Grande. It's been quite a while since I have been to see a therapist but it's clear I still have areas in which therapy would be helpful. Thank you.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is what was most effective for me in treating my avpd. If there is anyone here who hasn't heard about it or tried it, you should really give it a shot. It's really easy to understand the basics and to practice it.
I think I fit a lot of these things. I have had panic attacks and very poor sleeper. I'm not a guy but wow. My husband however was very friendly with others but avoided any serious talk with me. He was very outgoing but embarrassed me at times. I learn something every time. Thank-you.💞🙂
Thank you very much for this highly informative video.
This explains the complet invalidation I have felt from my husband about my fears. I got him to agree to couples counseling and he is only responsive when he feels shamed and compassion in that shame but doesn't get my pain or fear otherwise. It doesn't feel hopeful since thats what I need.
Thank you for all these videos
While I do have trouble sleeping, I don't worry about nightmares. Actually, I rarely remember my dreams
Really great videos!!! So informative!!!
Why is Dr. Grande so soothing??
To all you avoidant people out there..:you’re not the only ones that are suffering. Your spouse, children, and family are suffering terribly from your refusal to get help.
It's difficult for me to get too close to anyone, because the fear of getting hurt is too great. It's so much easier to maintain a distance.
I understand that it's hard to get a partner if I have this mindset. I really don't mind living single for the rest of my life but if I ever get close to someone, then I'll try my best to trust her and embrace those vulnerable situations.
When I hear you say "gelotophobia" and define it as "fear of being laughed at" I always practically anticipate you calling it the fear of ice cream (gelato)! :D Hee hee.... or gelatinous things. Like... well, *jelly,* for instance... you know, like Santa Claus' belly, which shook when he _laughed_ like a bowl full of _jelly....??...._
*Ahh, it all makes sense now... ;)*
(I couldn't help it; sorry!)
@M Z I have not seen it, as I don't watch too much actual live television, but I can look it up -- what am I looking for? :)
😂😂🍧🍨😆
Jennifer Spengler : My son has jellophobia because he regretfully saw the remake of The Blob at too young of an age. 😂🤣😂
I'm wary of ice cream. It can give one Brain Freeze Disorder.
@M Z that the sweetest commercial ever 🎅💖🤶
happy holidays dr grande!
After seeing this, it really makes me think my father had APD or avoidant traits. Thanks Dr Grande
I’m involved with someone who exhibits a lot of avoidant tendencies and he has been this way for several years, even before I became involved with him, even when I knew him as a friend. Thank you for your insights on this topic! Have a happy holiday season, Dr. Grande. ❄️
I like your picture 😻🎃
Yep, take it from me, it's a life sentence; I stopped believing I can escape the effects of avoidant personality long ago; my biggest regret, the impact it has on those around me!
@@redfo3009 thank you 😊
@@MusiciansWithVision I'm sorry to hear that; I can imagine how difficult it is for you .
@@celestecelestial90 Difficult for anyone emotionally and psychologically crippled for life by a disorder!
Thank you for this video 💕
Thank you Dr. Grande. I'm diagnosed with AVP since 2012 and C-PTSD from childhood trauma (had a vulnerable narcissistic and sadistic mother). Transference is happening in all my social interactions including therapy (since 2004). I'm constantly visiting new counselors and seek closeness with others. I was rejected often times by therapists. I'm now getting major help in a 8 week MBSR-course (Mindfulness-based-stress-reduction) that teaches me to regulate my emotions by myself and to observe my thoughts and feelings. I'm getting closer to my goal to show up authentic and being able to feel myself AND the other (and not only feel the other and lose myself in conversations) and to being able to set firm boundaries in order to protect myself from abusive behaviour by others (and not idealize the manipulator, confusing abuse with love ). Schema therapy was the best approach I was treated with in a clinic. Unfortunately I didn't found another Schema therapist. It teached me how to be compassionate with myself.
To all my fellow AVP-sufferers: We can heal and will heal. There are good counselors out there that understand. Don't give up and seek the best treatment that works for you. You are worth it!
? sounds like it could benefit many
This is so me in so many ways. No wonder I have trouble in my life.
Avoidance of dealing properly with those who are close (and really important) while showing extreme concern for the condition of relationships with others (in reality less important) from outside... Find it difficult to believe that there is not close correlation between avoidance and divorce.
Marica Mass - I’m not sure if you’re referring to Dr. Grande saying that AVPD’s are unlikely to initiate divorce, but if you are,then I agree with you that there is likely a close correclation between avoidance and divorce, but the spouse of the AVPD is the one who is initiating, and finalizing the divorce, because the AVPD is, as usual, avoiding things. Looking through even just all the comments from this video, tons of people are mentioning their former spouse who was AVPD, so seems like a good correlation.
Very interesting topic , covering overlaps between other personality disorder and excellent presentation. Merry Christmas 🎄 Doctor!!
This describes my ex-husband to a T. He would almost never open up or express his mood. He had a small group of steady friends, but, I tend to be very social. If I invited people over to the house he did not know, he would hide out or stay in a corner. He would become unglued if he perceived that someone was making fun of him. Usually, it was unfounded. He never came to my defense if I was verbally attacked by someone. But I loved him with all my heart and I accepted him as he was. I wanted to stay married, but he hit mid-life crisis and left after 29 years of marriage. I was told that he has survivor's guilt because his brother born before him died in infancy. I am wondering if this could have caused avoidant personality, if that is what he has.
He wouldn't have remembered his brother - unless his family scapegoated him?
I am BPD as well as OCD. I’ve commented some on your videos. I feel as though you make videos pertaining to my life. I believe my husband has avoidant personality disorder. We have been involved for over 14 years, and known each other for over 20. He has always been shy, and I am, in no small way, dramatic. He’s always been shy and absent. Especially when I needed him most after the birth of our 2nd daughter. Just gone. For a year. I went through an episode with severe PPD and we are almost a year from that and we are still struggling. I’ve started treatment and feel like I’ve made extreme strides. He doesn’t seem interested in our relationship or our household, including our kids. With the intense emotions I’ve deal with and learning to “ride the wave”, him just disappearing is not working anymore. I adore him, but I can’t tell when I’m actually being clingy and not.
This is a good one..I think I may fall in this category a bit..but not severly.
This is me. I’m sixty and still feel as insecure as I did as a teenager. I’ve wasted a life and that’s the burden I carry. True regret for not being able to be the dad and husband I needed to be. Regarding cause, in my case its not so much upbringing but genetic. And that’s another true heartache, that I’ve passed this genetically and behaviorally through to kids who also struggle.
I totally relate, a wasted life, the impact I've had on wives, four of them, and children, guilt about passing my personality issues on to my kids, especially my son. I'm 65 next week, and it's a horrible thought knowing this is how I've been since childhood, and this is how I'll be to my dying day!
This one topic seems very overwhelming for me
so I’m going to avoid over thinking how the signs might
apply to me.
AVPD and DPD are the natural result of a young child being without a mother to securely attach to and to be allowed to be dependent on and to feel safe and loved and accepted. AVPD is a self-protection mechanism by which the adult avoids feelings that would overwhelm him or doing anything that would cause feelings of overwhelm (fear, anxiety, anger) BECAUSE the person with avpd doesnt feel safe enough to regulate their own feelings, because he didnt have a mother to provide that base of safety. DPD comes from the same space of never being able to feel safe enough to strike out on one's own and explore the environment and have successes and failures, all the while having a supportive mother to go back to in order to feel safe and repair one's self esteem. DPD and AVPD result from the lack of having a mother. DPD overlaps AVPD where they both feel incapable and not strong enough to confront and succeed in challenges of life (for example in job skills or in challenging career opportunities). And also the overlap is with the strong feelings of anxiety, most particular, separation anxiety in childhood that with DPD, carries over into adulthood and may often lead to panic attacks at bedtime, as result of that separation anxiety that was felt as a child but was never soothed by the mother. Emotional dysregulation results from the lack of care and neglect and the intrusiveness of the mother upon the child, combined with the mother not respecting the child's basic boundaries, resulting in a child needing to react with rage yet the mother not respecting that rage; the end result is the child's amygdala becomes dysregulated and hypersensitive to rejection and intrusiveness throughout the adult's life, which lends itself well to making the person need to employ avoidant techniques in order to protect their vulnerable self. Some people with AVPD did not have an abusive or neglectful mother and that would suggest that AVPD can be inherent in the brain but further research is needed.
What about all the people who didn't have a mother because they grew up with two gay dads and they didn't get a personality disorder?
Alot of this is true anecdotally for me
@@Melissa0774 if they dont have a personality disorder then there shouldn't be any questions?
Orange Ziggy...very good summary. I'm definitely AVPD from having a mother with no love to give, however, she was an excellent homemaker and allowed me to roam the neighborhood with childhood playmates until my heart's content. I always knew I could go home anytime I wanted and always felt safe, although my interaction with her was only at mealtimes. I gained self sufficiency that has lasted through thick and thin. However, after much therapy in my 20's, I'm still avoidant.
@@kirstinstrand6292 I believe for little girls, it is even harder to have to go through the grief and loss of separation from our mothers than it would be for boys since in order to become women in this society, we need a female role model and female guidance.
Can you do a Christmas-themed psychological analysis of The Grinch or similar character?
The Grinch has a bad reputation in the story but really he seems like just a highly introverted, asocial person who's overstimulated by the social rituals around Christmas.
"...Just a highly introverted, asocial person overstimulated by the social rituals around Christmas"
Aw, that's a great interpretation. 😏
Thank you very much for this
Doesn’t share about their day but needs to know about yours- doesn’t respond to texts or calls but questions when you do the same - keeps money seperate but questions your spending
I have almost every sign mentioned, and I was diagnosed with MDD, GAD, and social phobia. Granted, I was diagnosed almost 10 years ago, at the age of 19.
I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder with panic attacks, sleep paralysis and major depression with a few times I schized, though I believe I have all the criteria of an avoidant personality disorder.
I'm extremely convinced (at the time) I see someone smiling with their head down that they are laughing at me and trying to cover it up by looking down... or a couple behind me talk then laugh I know it's at me because I look stupid or remind them of something.
Oh my goodness that's a horrible way to live. You know it's not true but you think it anyway. I hope you find some relief from that kind of stress 🙁
man...aside from the bit about parental neglect, i feel like this video could have been made about me... i'm currently in therapy, but even while i'm there, it's hard for me to talk about the things i need to talk about. honestly, it feels like i've been suppressing my emotions for so long, i don't even really know how to fully experience them or talk about them anymore.
thanks for this. it's given me a lot of "food for thought"
Thanks for the video. What kind of treatment would you suggest works best for the avpd disorder. I feel like most therapists are not equipped to handle this type of condition and assist clients in becoming more comfortable being more expressive and assertive in conversation without shame. Also how would someone find themselves in a marriage or be able to maintain relationships with such an affliction. Kind of a bold assumption of you ask me. Its a denyal of if the human spirt walking around and having no one on this world truly know your thoughts and feelings it's like a curse.
Also if there a relationship between avpd and selective mutism?
Do you believe that psychodelic treatment like ketamine infusions, mdma therapy or psilocybin therapy may provide additional relief to such afflictions?
I was with a textbook narcissist for seven years. After I cut ties with the narcissist I was worried that I may have become narcissistic myself. I eventually ended up getting in a new relationship and started exhibiting a lot of the behaviors you mentioned. My current girlfriend told me that I may have avoidant personality disorder, glad she did because I never would have came across this video.
Question: Can trauma as an adult cause avoidant personality to manifest?
avpd has to arise in early adulthood or earlier. trauma can cause avpd, but also depression, anxiety, social anxiety, ptsd, ocd...
I tried to post the following comment on your Existential Obsession (Philosophical Obsession) video but youtube seems to be filtering it for no good reason. Please see my prior comment for reference.
I have been contemplating reality, and I seem to be able to visualize it as best my human brain allows, since I was a child. I'm not sure if such thoughts are intrusive though or bother me. That said I am fairly nihilistic and I tend to view things on larger scales such as eternal time and infinite dimensions. To put it simply at least. I see no point in rushing to do much since, in time, all things will come to pass. It is an odd form of fate I suppose. This does not preclude free will however, for however much it is worth. Is there anything that can be done for nihilism? Perhaps you could cover nihilistic thinking?
Thanks for all the interesting videos!
Having both been diagnosed with avoidant and schizoid personality disorder, I'd like to give my two cents. Affective instability is largely defined by what kind of relationship we are talking about it seems to me. Eg if you're in a relationship with someone who has been a total crush for a long time, the odds for affective instablity are much higher compared to a relationship in which the partner isn't a major crush but more like someone you "tolerate". I do agree though schizoid and avoidant personality disorder are unrelated.
Back on topic the best symptom to tell is definitely the feeling of being laughed at imho. It's most easy to tell when they are around kids or adolescents (who laugh a lot).
Was sort of half listening for a while until I heard a mention about avoiding sleep for fear of nightmares. I did that for almost 3 weeks straight after my first relationship ended, delaying sleep until I knew there was exactly 1.5 hours until I had to get up, because that usually didn't allow for enough time to go into REM. I still do this reasonably often, but never expected there to be a link.
Thanks avpd in the house looking out for the example WiFe with avoidend pd have a Nice holliday 🇳🇱
Interesting analysis. My question is: If parental neglect makes someone more predisposed to developing AVPD, how does that (neglect) relate to extra sensitivity, the fear of criticism, & feelings of being laughed at?
My guess would be an unfulfilled yearning for those connections makes the proverbial hole in the chest that much bigger into one's aldult years.
Neglet will create an illusion of toughness on the outside to protect something very fragile on the inside.
Could you do an analysis on American psycho? The book and the movie sit differently with me personally, and I'm curious about what you're take is on his character
I am anxious but my husband is avoidant. I am just now discovering about all this information. We been married for 5 years. 3 years we had no issues because I worked and took care of everything and we had so much space between us. But when I lost my job, my mother and got sick. My husband would not take off for me. He is all about his jobs and being there for his co worker.
Thank you so much for your choice to cover now, right before Christmas, those people with the less spectacular but more covered and silent problems. You've used an awful lot of material for this video, we don't deserve you. So I try my best to overcome my Dr.G.'s-funeral-phobia* and wish you relaxing holidays with family, friends and Bella.
🎄🎁
*please no psychodynamic or other interpretations of this from anyone, thank you very much.
Your comments often make me chuckle, but this was a classic, from your phobia (which I am sure many of us share!) to your footnote on it! 😅
@@tuck-brainwks-eutent-hidva1098 Thank you very much. 😊
Mrs. Reluctant sounds like Avoidant ❤️😄
Choose the Right Synonym for reluctant
DISINCLINED, HESITANT, RELUCTANT, LOATH, AVERSE mean lacking the will or desire to do something indicated. DISINCLINED implies lack of taste for or inclination. disinclined to move again disinclined for reading HESITANT implies a holding back especially through fear or uncertainty. hesitant about asking for a date RELUCTANT implies a holding back through unwillingness. a reluctant witness LOATH implies hesitancy because of conflict with one's opinions, predilections, or liking. seems loath to trust anyone AVERSE implies a holding back from or avoiding because of distaste or repugnance. averse to hard work not averse to an occasional drink
Examples of reluctant in a Sentence
94% of the butterflies are females, and they jostle for the attention of the few males, who seem reluctant suitors.
- Carl Zimmer, Science, 11 May 2001
When I missed five in a row and was reluctant to take the next shot or didn't really follow through, my teammates would yell, "Brick!"
- Bill Bradley, New York Times, 18 Dec. 1994
Mrs. Reluctant 2:37 “are RELUCTANT to take part in any new activity”. Dr Grande talk to you...😀😀😀
@@billhildebrand5053 The synonyms you brought up are actually all quite good, Mr. Hildebrand.👍 (your last name is very German, indeed) Loath is not bad, but come on, I can't call myself Mrs. Loath. ..! 😄 My vanity is impaired now...😢 That's rather horrible! But thank you for your work here, this was really quite informative! I didn't really understand the last example, but that's okay. I'm very inclined and not hesitant at all to wish you "Fröhliche Weihnachten" and in case I don't read anything from you, "einen guten Start ins Jahr 2020!", Mr Hildebrand!⭐
Described me perfectly. Now what do I do? I’m alone and can’t get help, since I am too afraid to pick up a phone and make a call. Just wish I had someone to walk me hand-in-hand through the door.
DR. Grande, would you please give your opinions/analysis on serial killer Edmund Kemper, whether he would have become a killer if he had, had a different mother and if he is telling the truth about her.. He is in prison for life and his story is well known.. There are videos of him being interviewed on UA-cam, and he seems so honest, but is he telling the truth,...thank you.
Psychologists: We in the medical community wonder why those with Avoidant Personality traits are not seeking treatment
Me: It’s in the name...
Exactly!
The inverse to this is also a problem:
Person with avoidant personality traits finally takes it upon themselves to study up on their mal adaptive traits... Then seeks treatment...
Medical Community: You don't have a personality disorder as you've now shown too much insight in having recognised these avoidant personality traits. 🤷♂️?
That's my personal experience anyhow.
I went to very few of my therapy appointments. Afraid of them too.