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many people don't have the money to sign up for any program but they surely will appreciate these videos. Good work and I like how you stay in the center because while nobody needs to allow narcs to abuse them it does help in the healing process when we remind our inner children those narcs are not able to be anything else, yet. They probably take a few lifetimes but we don't have to hold our breaths waiting, just make peace knowing they can't do anything else.
As a child I got the feeling that my anger was just considered a "Toy" emotion. Although my dad was the real narcissist in the worst offender I also kind of got that feeling for my mother as well.
My family when i was growing up said “you have no friends, you cant have friends, people at your school are not friends, come home immediately, we are protecting you from life. So id have to come home. Into my 30s i cant keep friends to save my life. Its soooo difficult, and i repeatedly lose all my friends cause i cant maintain it
exactly the same with me. # brothers went to university all costs paid, but I was told I could 9nly become a nurse or a teacher, because for these 2 occupations in my country, you get loans
@@romangleyzer4567 In my case, they just didn't like the friends I had and they had a terrible anxiety from the idea that I could mingle with the wrong gang. I also saw other kids from their point of view - that is, children that misbehave are beneath my level. Also, I kinda suffered from the fact that most kids around me were living in houses and were richer than I was. That was the case even in high school. I just didn't relate to these rich kids doing what they want. That's why I never had friends.
@krembryle7903 yes! Even cousins were barely allowed to associate and after any time spent immediately bad mouthed. I spent my childhood and teen years alone in my room, quietly of course.
Thank you for sharing this, I am 35 just found this shit out and need to know where to focus, if they won’t change, then I need to double down on self-care ASAP 🙏
Agreed. My mom has only gotten worse with age. She loves to criticize my sister (who is an amazing mother) and talks about my childhood like she was some kind of wonderful parent who always did things for us when in reality we had to fend for ourselves.
You don't mean IDIOT, you mean IGNORANT. my parents were plenty smart, but they were also super stupid when it came to anything relating to the real world because they could not see beyond themselves.
Relationship with narcissistic parents is, to put it lightly, very confusing. They carry themselves like both the overbearing parents and needy children at the same time.
I feel like I grew up in a prison and “knew” I was guilty of something but never could figure out what I did wrong and have spent my 50 years on the planet trying to fix myself so that my parents would finally take care of me, love me, respect me. Listening to these insightful videos helps me realize I wasn’t guilty of the prison sentence and punishment, living on breadcrumbs in terms of physical and emotional neglect. My recovery has been like having a spoon trying to carve a tunnel out to freedom, having no idea how long it will take, risking more punishment for trying to escape, and not knowing what lies on the other side. These videos provide a light and encouragement to keep digging myself out. Thank you!!!
My sentiments Exactly. You are not alone. I think there are many of us. Not just of my childhood but of a major part of my life. I didn't have a family. I was property, a prisoner. Never had love, support, was abused. So remember you are Not alone. I wish you well and hope you find contentment in your life ..
Parent: *always focus on themselves. Never took the time to teach you how to live in the world*. Parent when child grows up: "why dont you know how to do that? You should know this at your age!
IKR. Exactly. I did wake up today with the thought of remembering when I was trying to tell my mother how I wasn’t raised in a vacuum. (How they deny they have anything to do with it). My waking thought was kind of a smart ass retort lol. “Well you certainly have a lot more to do with than the twice removed cousin I met 2 times.” Ain’t that the truth tho. And they shouldn’t be allowed to knock or judge what they broke in the first place. For me it was a lot like one song lyric I ran across. The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.
Im so happy I was super social as a child because I was able to see how other families operated and I quickly realized something wasnt right with mine.
I feel the same way. I am introverted, but I was and am involved in many activities/hobbies no less. Those spaces is where I learned how to love and respect others, learn empathy and boundaries. At home I learned to do nothing and say nothing, and even then I was targeted.
Yes Ive also realized that too. My mother was the loving parent that let me be social growing up vs my dad who was the narcissist who was also physically abusive and emotionally absent 🤦🏾♀️
Yeah I feel like my mom isolated me from other kids because she knew how she treated me was wrong and didn't want anyone to catch on (granted I am on the spectrum and don't have the best social skills to begin with). I still remember one morning at lunch in middle school someone at my table said something like, "Thank goodness my mom remembered to wake me up, I almost missed the bus." He opened his lunch and saw I think it was a couple of fun sized candies (this was after Halloween) and he was like, "Yes. My mom put a few of these in here while packing my lunch. Here have one!" I thanked him but was also like stunned. Like your mom actually like takes care of you?
My narc mother destroyed me on the inside, always putting me down, parentifying me, bullying me, constantly grounding me to keep me away from friends then she proceeds to look at me with such contempt and disappointment all through my teens because I was socially inept and and couldn't get a girlfriend. Even right now, as she lays on her death bed, she still thinks she did nothing wrong!
My mother did much the same. It’s absolutely despicable and disgusting the abuse they inflict and act like they are innocent of any wrong doing. Reclaim your life and don’t expect her to change anything even on her death bed. You deserved a million times better than that treatment. Heal yourself, find peace and reclaim your life for you with the right therapy! Recovery is possible!
I hear you. Both my parents are full blown narcisists. They taught me zero social skills. Just contempt and hatred when you fell short in life. Everything ive learned about dealing with others comes from life experience. Im 53 now only been married once. Have no kids. Now both my parents are angry because they have no grandchildren. The bullshit with them will never end. Both me and my brother are seriously damaged by our parents. In so many ways. But for me learning they are narcicistic has helped me to deal with them. I just dont. 😂 Theres just no need for self abuse. I dont accept any guilt trips from them over my life. They are like a dark cloud that just hangs over you. My mother recently moved to my area. I was much happier when she was far away. Having her near is that dark cloud feeling. I just dont play along anymore with the gaslighting etc. They will never admit they were the problem. Its always gonna be your a failure. Having narcisist parents is like 4 people that live in the same house. But theres only a superficial connection between us. It really is a sick disease.
@@karatekid6026IF YOU POSSIBLY CAN MOVE AWAY!!!! SHE MAY CONTINUALLY FOLLOW YOU...JUST DON'T LET ANYONE KNOW WHERE YOU HAVE MOVED EXCEPT FOR YOUR FRIENDS!!!!!!!
My parents did not take care of my hygiene, they did not take me to the dentist, they never said that they love me, they invalidated my feelings, i had rotten cloths, and a dirty home. I was taking care of my alcoholic mom and had to bring her home from the pub because she wasnt able to walk anymore. All that happened when I was a kid/teenager.
As a child I made a vow to never treat my own children like I was raised and broke the cycle of child abuse in one generation. Now mine are raising their children following my example. THAT is my lifetime achievement 🏆
I've been accused many times of being "childish" because as soon as I was free from my family I was finally able to do whatever I missed or what I was not allowed to do. Fine. But you don't have to worry. Because I will not be childish or mature around you. In fact I will not be around you at all. Ever.
Same here. I am a small person and been treated like a child until my 40s, and the famous sentence: Grow up! It makes me so upset 😭 I can’t. And apologising for everything.
@@chicaloca333I feel what you said, i don't want to be an adult if it means being like the example I had in life. This being said I find myself often feeling like I am a child trapped in my adult body. I recently remembered I was molested at young age. I started using drugs at a young age to ease the pain. I feel like my up bringing coupled with drugs and other trauma has left me developmentally stunted. I'm in therapy for this now and attend coda to learn healthy coping strategies. I'm 39 by the way. Thanks for sharing, wd are not alone.
@@briansennett8460 same, and i've been fighting to get it back these past 3 years i've learned about narcissistic parents. its crazy how much it can take to get them the fuck out of your system
Robbed not only of a childhood, but of an entire life - including an adulthood - due to not being able to financially get out of living with my parents. I will be stuck in this prison forever.
Same😢 I'm 48. My mom just died, 0 closure from her. I wanted so bad for things to be different with her. My dad's in the hospital, withholding what the doctors are saying to keep us all further confused (attention tactic). Total insanity my entire life. Me and my 3 siblings are all just old, wounded, lost children. And now heartbroken without a "mom".
So sorry for what y'all had to experience and are going through. Pastor Kevin la Ewing has videos on this and some other things to help us see how to be set free. It's mixed with the word of God, but listen you don't have to turn to him just yet, he shows you what's going on, in now and in the spiritual. Check it out I promise it will help. My mom is a covert narc, and I have children with one, I'm on my way out now.
Not once did my parents ever show any interest in my well being or safety. Instead, they endangered me every day through violence and ostracism. Their abuse has had a life long impact on my ability to maintain friendships, jobs, etc.
I think a lot of my "procrastination" comes from this. The constant criticism leads to perfectionism and paralysis. I dread taking care of financial responsibilities because I was forced to get my degree in business and take care of all family business for my entire life while my siblings left town and did whatever the hell they pleased, but still benefitting from the family business. I start by doing simple things for myself, like cooking and listening to music, and find it comforting and freeing, then I can face "the drudgery work" as I remind my inner child that we're only doing it for us now, no one else. The time is now! 😊
Try pastor Kevin la Ewing he has videos on how they act, and how to understand yourself. He has helped me Alot. ❤ Much love and healing to you all. Through knowledge shall the JUST be delivered 🤗🥰💖
I have very few good memories and believe they are stories I was told. The abuse started at age 3, continued to 16. Remember more of that than anything😢
Mine didn't fake emotional support. "Quit your crying or I'll give you something to cry about!" We knew they would follow through. They were 'consistant," alright.
Yes....that resonates with me too. It’s horrible just thinking about it. I couldn’t say that to my children , ever. I can’t imagine not having feelings for my kids. I tell them everyday how much I love them. My kids have boundaries, and I was strict regarding limited computer time, sleep etc, but they played out in the countryside where we live. I love them and I was there to guide them. Now they’re grown up, they don’t drink smoke or do anything illegal. They’re happy and balanced. I did something right. I didn’t want them feeling as I did as a child ....an ‘adult’ ...in my mind . I always felt older. As child who at 8 years old I was babysitting my baby sisters, ( parents were out drinking) cleaning , washing dishes and making beds etc. I was told I’m selfish if I said I didn’t want to do it. I’d get punished physically for ‘ answering back’ eg if I wanted to play out with my friends. I’d be pulled not the house by my arm or hair, to stay with my sisters aged 1 and 3 ....I still get neck, shoulder and arm pain from the beatings I endured as a child.
@@FoxyUSAx Hello dear. I hear you and had same comments from my own mother who is still a mouthy spoiled brat. Now, that I'm older...she will say to me "I do not know anything about you." I gather it never crossed her mind that after the naked beatings, kneeling on rice, and pouring hot sauce in my mouth as well as backhanded mouth slaps has finally revealed you are not worthy of my trust or respect. So, I do not entertain or engage in her mind bending tactics.
As I’ve healed, I’ve noticed I’m less serious and engage in playfulness more. It feels so good to reclaim that. But I’ve found it’s a good tool for finding healthy people. Narcissists aren’t capable of laughing at themselves, and wounded people still find play dangerous (because it would catch abusers’ attention). I won’t go on a date with a guy who takes himself too seriously; for me that’s a red flag.
I constantly sabotage myself. I start things, but never finish them. I will work on my health, start to see progress, whether through weight loss or muscles building, and then stop and go back to old habits. I procrastinate over everything. I have stopped doing the things I enjoy because the sadness and depression take over. The constant criticism from my mother was too much. Ironically, my older sister calls out my mother as a narcissist, but she is worse. And she would say the most horrible things to me. She criticized me the most. She would always say that she hated my laugh and it was stupid. I was always self conscious of it. Until one day at work, a lady from across the room, said to me that she loves my laugh. And every time she hears it, it makes her laugh too. An older gentleman once told me it sounds like music when I laugh. And yet, I still doubt it. I always wanted to be a writer. My older sister said I sucked at it. And my ex-husband said if he was grading my papers, he'd only give me C's. (I was in school when married to him and was actually getting A's and B's on my writing). So, I no longer write. I don't even read because it makes me sad that I never pursued writing. Or working in something with books. Narcissists destroy you. They mock you, then act offended when you defend yourself. They never acknowledge their behavior and only accuse you of being the difficult one. You will not and can not ever amount to anything good in their eyes. They will always find something you do that is a fault. From the job you do, the house you buy, the person you marry, the way you raise your kids, the clothes you wear, the car you drive, the vacations you take or don't take, the way they THINK you are wasting money, etc. It's draining to have to constantly second guess your decisions and/or justify them when it's pointed out as dissatisfactory to them.
I do the same things and feel the same way but we can't give up. That's the lynch pin between success and failure. You've made it most of the way, might as well finish. You'll feel a greater sense of accomplishment knowing you had extra obstacles in your path yet still persevered and succeeded. I'm into programming and Eli the Computer Guy said "People don't fail at programming, they just give up." I'm taking that mentality to other areas of life as well.
You explained it well, and everyone in the comments I understand y'all too. This is debilitating and depressing. You never do anything right, they blame you for showing them what they're doing. They put it on, twist your words and put you down for trying to stand up and show them. Pastor Kevin la Ewing has videos about this. Please try them, it helped me tremendously❤ I've been able to understand, and he is funny too, he shows you how it ties back to the evil in them, and how the devil blinds their minds. I know some Might not want to hear this side of it, but I promise you, your eyes will be opened and it frees you. ❤ He's on UA-cam as well. Through knowledge shall the JUST be delivered 🤗
It took me 50 yrs to figure out that my father who criticized my singing was tone deaf and I had perfect pitch. I have a hearing problem in my left ear like Hughie Lewis from Hughue Lewies and the News. It is caused by a hypothyroid condition.My boyfriend heard me singing to The Who and said Beth you are singing on key perfectly. I said I am? Then we discovered I have ALSO problems hearing low frequencies in my left ear. I figured out that I can listen to a song 3 times and sing it back on key. I played the flute from grade 2 to 12 and my parents especially my Dad was envious of my abilities. My mother was also a narcissist. A stage mother that pushed me to perform solos at church. I hated it. I only was in band to get out of PE. I had problems running laps. Later on I would find out I had arthritis as an adult. I complained to my parents they would not tell my Doctor. Anyway I can hit the same notes as Streisand, Celine Dion and Dion Warwick. I also can hit BeeGees notes. I just need to work on vibrato. BTW, The BeeGees all had hearing loss in one ear. I have figured out when parents don't have a talent and the kids do then parents will destroy the kids to make themselves feel better. My left ear feel stopped up all the time. If I cover my right I can hear out of my left just not super low sounds. If you whisper I have to ask you to speak up. . Or I just get you to write it down.
I never realised (till a few years ago) what was wrong with my family, I just knew it felt better when I was with another family, at a different house ❤
My narc parents invalidated my feelings to the point where they made me go to school when I wasn't feeling well, "oh, you're not really sick". It took me decades to heal from their neglect but I learned to paint, sketch, and write and that helped enormously. Thx Dr. Wise, your videos are always so helpful! Happy New Year ❤
My parents did the same thing. I broke my wrist when I was 8 yrs old and suffered with it for almost two days before I was finally taken to the ER to get a cast. My father told me there was nothing wrong with me. And my parents berated me for breaking my wrist trying to make me feel guilty about it. I went to school with strep throat among other things because they would always say there is nothing wrong with me.
I am very sorry for how your parents neclected you breaking your wrist and having to try heal yourself from disease! Children who have tonsillitis, cannot heal by themselves. I had Rheumatic fever and they did nothing, causing a damaged heart valve. When I told my narc mom about a bully at school, she said that nobody likes me, I have no friends. which was a big lie. I have 3 friends since we were 5 yo, and now as senior citizens we get together every year.
I was denied hobbies and schoolwork was sabotaged. I’m fortunate enough to have been blessed with intelligence and succeeded graduating college despite my mother’s efforts to keep me from doing so. Major lack of boundaries and no respect to this day. I’ve finally decided no contact is the only way to keep myself sane. I became a mother and I will not let her manipulate and degrade my child the way she has done me.
Jerry, you saved my mental health in 2023. I survived my father's abandoning me because of you. I am so grateful for all your teachings. Happy New Year!
I used to get a physical pit in my stomach every time I heard my narc stepfather coming down the stairs, or when I’d see his car pull into the driveway. Now I get one every time I have to go back to my moms house because I know he’s there, listening in on everything I say and trying to control me even as an adult. I wish I could never see him again but my 12 year old sister means too much to me, and it sickens me that she is going through exactly what I did.
The wisdom and compassion contained in this video and others like this sure would have helped 30 years ago. Better late than never! I didn’t know that it was necessary or even ok to love myself.
Parentified child here!✋🏻Doesn’t end until you end it. I still feel guilt for going low contact, and I am cognizant of how I want to save others. Now, I talk myself out of it. “Not my journey.”
I'm in my late 60's. Mom always had The Today Show on in the morning. I walked by and she said, "Why can't you be like Jane Pauley?" She was on that show in the 70's. I told my mother I can only be myself. I still think about how odd that felt. I went on to college and later joined the Navy. They never came to visit or interact with my accomplishments. I had to go visit them. They were emotionally and physically vacant, since childhood. Great video Jerry! It brought back that memory. I think many people are too immature to be parents, unfortunately.
I remember taking the train home from school with some friends and one of them was jumping up and down and laughing and I remember wondering what it felt like to be so lighthearted. I was always very serious and defensive. I was the family scapegoat so I didn't know how else to be. My mother used to call me a "pill"
3) Emotional neglect - we never had just happy times, there was no day, no dinner, no time that was just for being happy or a good time. Birthdays, good report cards, just because it's Tuesday and there's nothing actually big going on - none of those times were for encouragement or compliments or sharing jokes. They had been briefly when they first married, but by the time I was in middle school, every event was too busy to receive any attention or it was knives out with every grudge rumbling under the table. I knew all about loss and grief, but when was the time for happiness and being glad in each others company?
I get it. My father was a pillar of the church, a deacon. He passed away this last August at age 90. I am 70. It almost made me feel numb sitting at the funeral listening to how wonderful he was. I began my healing journey at age 65. I knew better than to let it pull me down. I just politely sat and listened. The church knew a different man than the one I had to experience growing up as the only son. They never saw the man I had to work with and deal with. It is still very confusing to me as a Christian how a "Godly" man could be so abusive. Just keep doing the inner work of healing. The healing will probably take me the rest of my life, but the journey so far has been so worth it.
I once told my mother that I always felt weird and that I was in trouble after confiding in her or my dad about my feelings. She chuckled and said "See you're just like your father!" 🥺
Thank you for posting this. It’s New Year’s Eve and I’m definitely feeling a bit more emotional as it’s the first one since going no contact with my mother. It’s a bittersweet day. No contact was best but you still mourn the relationship as you heal.
I feel you. I went no contact with anyone in my family since July. Quite frankly, it's heartbreaking. It weighs on me every day. No call for the holidays to check in on me. Sent my kids cards with money for Christmas writing how much they miss THEM. As if it's me keeping them away. My daughter called my mother, who did call back. And repeated how she missed them for Christmas. NOT me, her and her brother. I could probably cry about it everyday. To be dismissed, ignored, rejected once again. Sadly, they see no fault of theirs. Not my parents or my sisters. And never will. I could bet a million dollars while they were sitting around the table at the holidays, it was 'there she goes again'..'typical Steph behavior'. Not recognizing or acknowledging the messages I sent to them about how I was feeling. All of it was ignored. They can't say they don't know why I won't communicate with them. They just refuse to accept their role in my staying away. I wish you peace in 2024 and please know that you are not alone feeling emotional this New Year's Eve.
😢But true Jerry that's what happened to me in my childhood my life was stolen from me also had this happen in my teens and adulthood. Can relate to your video.
My mother passed away 2 months ago. She asked me if there was something she did wrong and if so if I would tell her. She knew what was up. Even in the last minute she wanted this for herself. I did not fall into this trap and told her I could not thank of anything. Now she is gone I am truely happy I did not give her any closure on being a narc. It’s horrible but I she died a long time ago for me.
When advocating for my younger brother's emotional well-being, I realize the extent of my mother's emotional neglect and abuse from BPD symptoms. I see myself as the aunts I had, the ones attempting to advocate for my own development in childhood. Many times, they would be absent from family gatherings for months at a time for disagreeing with my mother, banished and shunned in order to comply. I realized one thing I've missed is the healthy development milestones and the ability to identify emotions and feel them. Learning this as an adult feels so stunted, yet liberating as my emotional maturity exceeds my family of origin.
Jerry I was raised by a narcissist father who could never see me as an adult. I was raised in an ethnic household in Canada where women were considered second class citizens yet I was encouraged to go to school and become a doctor. Little did I know that my father expected me to not ever have a life. He thought I was a child even at 30. When I met my husband he declared World War III. I was a people pleaser and my husband was a narcissist ( unbeknownst to me ). So the cycle continued until he discarded me just 3 months shy of our 25 thank you for everything anniversary. To my parents I was a possession to be used for fulfilling all their own unfulfilled dreams and for providing them financial security in their retirement years . To my husband I was a shiny object also to be used. I thank God I became a doctor and helped so many people. My patients, my staff and my personal friends gave me the support my parents and my husband never gave me. Thank you for you channel. I have found peace as I am putting all the pieces of my life together.
I’ve been adopted under x to a enabling covert narc mother and a psychopathic alcoholic raging adoptive brother who tried killing me over 3 times in my short 30 year lifespan I’m disabled so I can’t get out, I wish there were more videos about adopted under x victims of narc parents or adopted siblings I’ve been abandoned at birth once and for the rest of my life by my narc enabling adoptee mother It’s hell on earth
I too experienced HELL on earth. I always wished my parents put me up for adoption , but it sounds like I have magical thinking in that it would have for sure been better as that has not been the case for you.
I wish there were more videos for disabled victims of Narc Abuse. So many people just tell victims to 'just leave'. What if you are like me or you where you are physically or developmentally disabled and to leave might literally result in your almost immediate death? I don't have data on this but I feel like people severely underestimate the percentage of caregivers who are abusive. They make the assumption that if someone really didn't care about you they'd dump you, but in my experience some abusers LOVE having a disabled victim: a nice captive audience for their abuse that they can use for endless supply. If they feel like getting praised they can throw their disabled victim breadcrumbs of care, if they're in a bad mood (which abusers almost always are) then they can abuse their disabled victim to their heart's content, safe in the knowledge that their victim CANNOT LEAVE. And then, if their disabled victim tries to sound the alarm, the abuser can mindfuck them by throwing all the scraps of caregiving in their face. And their scraps of caregiving make an EXCELLENT defense to convince people outside the abuse system: 'how could someone who feeds and shelters their developmentally disabled child and drives them to doctor's appointments possibly be abusive? the child must be misinterpreting things, they ARE messed up in the head after all, their screwed-up brain must be preventing them from realizing what a treasure their parent is!' the onlookers will think.
@@dianeshoemaker6591 for some adoption can be a good thing in an already very difficult situation but that all depends on where you end up being adopted to
@@TalkingWeirdStuff24 I couldn’t have said it better ! This is so true! I feel like you’re describing what’s happening with me and my toxic adoptive parent. She actually uses these exact tactics And I wish there was more help and resources for us because I’m simply not able to walk away I’m disabled and I need a caretaker Yet even professionals can be fooled by these narcs when they go into their “I’m such an amazing parent” plus mine always uses the “but how can I not love her I adopted her” even though behind doors she’s telling me if she’d knew she’d get a child like me she’d never have had said yes when the agency called But imo she only wanted children because she wanted them (Sorry English is not my first language)
Love these videos about dysfunctional families relationships I wouldn’t have never known if I hadn’t researched things like this i would be still be trying to figure out why Is my family so mean to me and pretend to be loving
@@johnchacko1425 I’m not asking for a flawless family I know family are not going to be like a tv family it’s just I’m not even asking to fix them see that’s just it I want to get away from them but bc of my mental disability I can’t leave them I don’t know how not just bc of the usual fact of keeping me prisoner mentally but really having a intellectual disability having trouble learning life skills they’re not helping me with
Same here! 😢I am the crazy childish selfish person and also good for nothing, they mocked me for not being able to keep a job doing what I studied, my sister triangulates saying my cousin is “our engineer in the family” and that I am not because I don’t have a job doing that. All this in front of everyone, in a tone of “we are proud of her” nothing like you
I dont remember majority of things that happened in my childhood. All i recollect is taking care of my brother and cleaning tirelessly as around the age of 7 or 8.I was not seen or heard. I dont remember any happy moments
I feel so numb from having to stuff my emotions down constantly. I have felt like a psychopath because at times I just can't feel anything at all. After learning about narcissism and facing the hard facts my mom is narcissistic. Now I have always found men just like her. Figured it out finally. It's a relief to understand there wasn't anything wrong with me. I was depressed because it was so stressful and not because I'm defective. She couldn't see past her pain and I don't hate her for it. My heart deeply aches for her but I know what she really is. I did have to be an adult at 7. She needed a babysitter so I offered to help. Little did I know I was setting myself up. I was responsible for my special needs sister my entire childhood. I moved out the day I graduated. They had already planned my future to watch my sister. I love her but I had to get away from them. Now she is all alone with my mom.....I know she lives in hell and I feel so guilty.
The Garfield comic gave me a childhood. I don't have good memories of my parents. The excitement of the daily comics and specials provided good memories.
Wasn't allowed to date, have friends, talk to anyone, wasn't allowed to have nice things, my hair was shaved to look like a boy because they were jealous of my beauty, envious of what I have, never knew my relatives like aunties or uncles or cousins because they can't allow you take that attention away from them, isolated and now in adulthood I isolate myself from the world and don't trust anyone and I have no friends
💯💯 thank you for sharing this wonderful video. My mom robbed me of my education at the age of 17. I wanted to finish school, but she listened to my big sister’s opinions and unenrolled me out of it. After that I was forced to grow up and take care of her plus the rest of my relatives. It’s been 8 years of having no high school education, I’m regretting it everyday. It’s difficult to find a stable job and I desire to further my education, but I have no high school educated or transcripts to prove that I ever finished. It’s a lot and I would type how I feel, but it won’t change what my mother has done to me.
I just found your channel yesterday and I’m binging your videos (audio only) while I’m at work today. I keep laughing out loud at how spot on you articulate things I dealt with but never knew. It’s a relief.
The vilification of my childhood, by my wonderfulmother, excused the daily physical violence, name calling, food restriction, confinement and humiliation.
I remember well, in the fifth grade I made a new friend and went over to his home where I found supportive parents and siblings who loved him. My thought was that this is weird.
Agreed but the biggest robbery is taking away the opportunity to live on my own. I feel that if my parents had allowed me to live by myself as a young adult, whether it’s an apartment or home, then I would have been better off in many ways. I think it’s important for everyone to live on their own at some point in their lives even if it’s just a couple years. I’ve been estranged from my parents for 7 years and am close to 50 but I feel living by ourselves forces us to introspect and re-examine the importance of our relationships. I stayed by myself for maybe a month or two at a time when my wife used to go to India to see her family, and in that short time, I came to the conclusion that being in solitude allows introspection without having to cut ties with people. It creates healthy boundaries that are often compromised in extended family settings where we are quite frankly always in each other’s faces. For those who have lived by themselves, the “living like a bachelor” only lasts a short time and then things start going wrong in the home. Stuff breaks, we don’t know what to do, sometimes the heating or air conditioning doesn’t work, etc. When our basic needs are challenged, it also promotes us to re-examine our relationships. Are we going to go crying back to a toxic relationship when we can’t fix a basic item in our home by ourselves? Many people compromise living by themselves over stuff like this. I never cooked, but I wouldn’t have survived too much ordering pizza every day. All these things are a factor in how we choose our living and our relationships, and as crazy as it sounds, we often stay in toxic relationships out of simple fear that we can’t live by ourselves. Independence is something we need to develop at a young age otherwise we’ll be old and it’ll be too late when we realize we’re stuck in toxic relationships because we simply do not have the skills needed to walk away and live by ourselves successfully.
Pushed to be a ballerina, a pianist, a gymnast, a model. A waste of my talent which was a singer. And if I had been left alone, I could have lived my dream. So many "ifs".
In the case of covert/vulnerable narcissistic family systems like mine, I felt like I had a perfect childhood but was robbed of an adulthood. As soon as adolescence began - the age where one starts having individual values outside of the family context - THAT'S when all of the emotional invalidation and shaming truly began.
Reparenting ourselves is so important. I try to make time for play and schedule play, which has really helped me connect with myself (and my inner child).
It has made me stronger. Look where they came from and be sure of your purpose. It is tough to find out that the those y😢u have placed in high regard are selfish little people. Oh well!
Great material, Jerry. Thank you so much. The "when" (I began to care for myself) came after my mother died. I finally felt a relase when she passed away, but it took at least another 10-12 years until I started writing about it all...and then I felt a huge weight lifted. ❤
What saved me in my childhood growing up is I was readings books and counselling information , it helped me with self care and I was able to find comfort in journaling in the midst of all that, of course my mother did her best to destroy my dignity. I'm happy I found this channel it gave me comfort in my final no contact decision that was long time due.
I've put a note on my mirror, saying "I love myself as I am, I am loved and loving and I forgive myself all of my mistakes". Each morning, when I look into my mirror, I read that note. 😊 I wish us all a wonderful peaceful new year full of love and happiness 🕊️✨💖✨🕊️✨💖✨🕊️✨💖✨🕊️✨💖
Love is a choice 🙌🏼♥️ Thank you so much for your work. I realized I was raised by a narcissistic mother from watching your videos. Let me tell you, I have never felt so seen in this area of my life. You described the dynamics so clearly. I have now decided to go no contact with my mother and it has been tremendously peaceful. I will choose to love myself no matter what. Thanks again and God bless you.
I PROMISE SHE WILL TRY TO INVADE YOUR LIFE AGAIN!!!!!! BEST TO FORGIVE AND GO NO CONTACT... OTHERWISE, I PROMISE YOU WILL ENDURE THE PAIN OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN!!!! HEAL AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!!!!!✝️
@@sylviacaldwell2139 You are right. She’s definitely is attempting but I’m sticking to my decision to go no contact. It’s hard and hurt at first. It’s better this way for me. Thank you for your support ♥️
Thanks Jerry. So glad I found you as you help me stay strong in my decision to go no contact. I'm in no rush to reestablish contact with them. In 5 years time I'll be as old as they were when they deserted me and my siblings as they considered us old enough to look after ourselves as very young adults.
They have possessions, physically and in an invisible way (the unseen strings), no children. They don’t know what true love is, because they pushed down their deepest pain and shame, and became a facade. Being close to those people is draining by default, they are like AI, non exist.
I could have been so much more if I had gotten the support I needed. It's no point lamenting that, though, now that I'm middle-aged. However, it still stings that one of my siblings became so accomplished. My horrible, narcissistic mother used him as her "trophy" to show that she isn't a f*cked-up parent. 😢🤬
That's probably the reason I enjoy so 11:20 much watching happy famílies leaving theme parks after a whole day of fun. They're tired but smiling, children still excited, remembering everything they did and saw together, saying they don't want that day to end and parents patiently explaining they have to go back home. I don't have any happy childhood memory, watching other famílies having these happy moments warmths my heart.
Thank You for sharing Mr. Wise! My mother is a narcissist and sadly I just figured this out in May of 2023, I'm 39 now. She has turned my own siblings against me, mainly my brother! She has also made false insurance claims for "disabilities" that are inconsistent with how she is now. Talk about an attention seeker, geez!
This is all true for me... the criticism part is interesting as it was not direcrt, she projected herself and her goals on to us, and so criticism was indicated by absence of praise or not spoken to, or she would trounce off or walk away. We had to figure it out from her passive-agression.🤨 Thank you. Every video is therapy 🎉💐
I’ve been practicing pulling back my antenna in terms of looking at strangers. Like while shopping I focus on being transactional. Otherwise I get so much feedback that o feel like crying in busy stores. Since those folks aren’t a big part of my life it saves me energy to focus on shopping instead.
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027
‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self
many people don't have the money to sign up for any program but they surely will appreciate these videos. Good work and I like how you stay in the center because while nobody needs to allow narcs to abuse them it does help in the healing process when we remind our inner children those narcs are not able to be anything else, yet. They probably take a few lifetimes but we don't have to hold our breaths waiting, just make peace knowing they can't do anything else.
As a child I got the feeling that my anger was just considered a "Toy" emotion. Although my dad was the real narcissist in the worst offender I also kind of got that feeling for my mother as well.
@@1ReikiFloW²
❤️💚
Robbed of a childhood , friendships ,relationships ,career paths the list goes on...
Yes, it's like you cannot get away from the narc parent and their narc vibes
My family when i was growing up said “you have no friends, you cant have friends, people at your school are not friends, come home immediately, we are protecting you from life. So id have to come home. Into my 30s i cant keep friends to save my life. Its soooo difficult, and i repeatedly lose all my friends cause i cant maintain it
exactly the same with me. # brothers went to university all costs paid, but I was told I could 9nly become a nurse or a teacher, because for these 2 occupations in my country, you get loans
@@romangleyzer4567 In my case, they just didn't like the friends I had and they had a terrible anxiety from the idea that I could mingle with the wrong gang. I also saw other kids from their point of view - that is, children that misbehave are beneath my level. Also, I kinda suffered from the fact that most kids around me were living in houses and were richer than I was. That was the case even in high school. I just didn't relate to these rich kids doing what they want. That's why I never had friends.
@krembryle7903 yes! Even cousins were barely allowed to associate and after any time spent immediately bad mouthed. I spent my childhood and teen years alone in my room, quietly of course.
I am 56 and my parents are 76 and 78 and I can tell you they do not change they only get worse.
Thank you for sharing this, I am 35 just found this shit out and need to know where to focus, if they won’t change, then I need to double down on self-care ASAP 🙏
I'm 22 are you sure I can't fix them 😭
No, you can't. Thinking you can fix them is also part of the trap. Sending you love as you move forward. @@badmusic793
HAHA YEH SAME EXPERIENCE
Agreed. My mom has only gotten worse with age. She loves to criticize my sister (who is an amazing mother) and talks about my childhood like she was some kind of wonderful parent who always did things for us when in reality we had to fend for ourselves.
People who had no business **EVER** having children.
“It’s never too late to have a happy childhood”. I’m 55 years old. This made me cry. 😢
I'm 47...
@@larenacornell5678 45, but 8 year old me is just laughing like - wait - I was right? they really were evil aliens!
❤
A bad combination are narc parents who are also idiots. Selfish and stupid is a bitter cocktail.
@@HarryBarker-yp1xv
My mother was BPD with a third grade education. Father malignant narcissist cop. That’s a very bad combination.
yep can relate
Me too
You don't mean IDIOT, you mean IGNORANT. my parents were plenty smart, but they were also super stupid when it came to anything relating to the real world because they could not see beyond themselves.
Add one more - selfish, stupid and f*cking rich. She used that money to control, threaten and dupe me for decades.
zero human respect and validation, we are objects and property to them 100%
Broken people raising children.
Beautifully said TY!!
I thought this very thing last week ❤
Broken children raising children, a recipe for psychological disaster!
Only that’s not an excuse to emotionally harm your child/children. Broken or not.
Relationship with narcissistic parents is, to put it lightly, very confusing. They carry themselves like both the overbearing parents and needy children at the same time.
I feel like I grew up in a prison and “knew” I was guilty of something but never could figure out what I did wrong and have spent my 50 years on the planet trying to fix myself so that my parents would finally take care of me, love me, respect me. Listening to these insightful videos helps me realize I wasn’t guilty of the prison sentence and punishment, living on breadcrumbs in terms of physical and emotional neglect. My recovery has been like having a spoon trying to carve a tunnel out to freedom, having no idea how long it will take, risking more punishment for trying to escape, and not knowing what lies on the other side. These videos provide a light and encouragement to keep digging myself out. Thank you!!!
Stay strong and fight the good fight!
Omg, 48 here and same sentiment. Best of luck with your situation 🤗
Metaphor is powerful. You hit it for me. Thanks
I am so sorry for your 50 years of pain. Please accept my condolences. That's a lot. I hope you have years of healing ahead of you...❤❤
My sentiments Exactly. You are not alone. I think there are many of us. Not just of my childhood but of a major part of my life. I didn't have a family. I was property, a prisoner. Never had love, support, was abused. So remember you are Not alone. I wish you well and hope you find contentment in your life ..
Just becoming the kid at 42 that started getting robbed at 6
Parent: *always focus on themselves. Never took the time to teach you how to live in the world*.
Parent when child grows up: "why dont you know how to do that? You should know this at your age!
IKR. Exactly. I did wake up today with the thought of remembering when I was trying to tell my mother how I wasn’t raised in a vacuum. (How they deny they have anything to do with it). My waking thought was kind of a smart ass retort lol. “Well you certainly have a lot more to do with than the twice removed cousin I met 2 times.” Ain’t that the truth tho. And they shouldn’t be allowed to knock or judge what they broke in the first place. For me it was a lot like one song lyric I ran across. The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.
Omg, 100 percent!
RIGHT?!?! Good grief.
Mine says grow up!
Yes, exactly.
Im so happy I was super social as a child because I was able to see how other families operated and I quickly realized something wasnt right with mine.
You were allowed. You were not stalked. That’s why you could get away with that.
You were on low security watch.
I feel the same way. I am introverted, but I was and am involved in many activities/hobbies no less. Those spaces is where I learned how to love and respect others, learn empathy and boundaries. At home I learned to do nothing and say nothing, and even then I was targeted.
I always wanted to be ANYWHERE but at home. So yes, we find freedom.
Yes Ive also realized that too. My mother was the loving parent that let me be social growing up vs my dad who was the narcissist who was also physically abusive and emotionally absent 🤦🏾♀️
Yeah I feel like my mom isolated me from other kids because she knew how she treated me was wrong and didn't want anyone to catch on (granted I am on the spectrum and don't have the best social skills to begin with). I still remember one morning at lunch in middle school someone at my table said something like, "Thank goodness my mom remembered to wake me up, I almost missed the bus." He opened his lunch and saw I think it was a couple of fun sized candies (this was after Halloween) and he was like, "Yes. My mom put a few of these in here while packing my lunch. Here have one!" I thanked him but was also like stunned. Like your mom actually like takes care of you?
My narc mother destroyed me on the inside, always putting me down, parentifying me, bullying me, constantly grounding me to keep me away from friends then she proceeds to look at me with such contempt and disappointment all through my teens because I was socially inept and and couldn't get a girlfriend. Even right now, as she lays on her death bed, she still thinks she did nothing wrong!
My mother did much the same. It’s absolutely despicable and disgusting the abuse they inflict and act like they are innocent of any wrong doing.
Reclaim your life and don’t expect her to change anything even on her death bed. You deserved a million times better than that treatment. Heal yourself, find peace and reclaim your life for you with the right therapy! Recovery is possible!
I hear you. Both my parents are full blown narcisists. They taught me zero social skills. Just contempt and hatred when you fell short in life. Everything ive learned about dealing with others comes from life experience. Im 53 now only been married once. Have no kids. Now both my parents are angry because they have no grandchildren. The bullshit with them will never end. Both me and my brother are seriously damaged by our parents. In so many ways. But for me learning they are narcicistic has helped me to deal with them. I just dont. 😂 Theres just no need for self abuse. I dont accept any guilt trips from them over my life. They are like a dark cloud that just hangs over you. My mother recently moved to my area. I was much happier when she was far away. Having her near is that dark cloud feeling. I just dont play along anymore with the gaslighting etc. They will never admit they were the problem. Its always gonna be your a failure. Having narcisist parents is like 4 people that live in the same house. But theres only a superficial connection between us. It really is a sick disease.
🫂
Imagine being so ill you always thought your perfect. That’s them.
@@karatekid6026IF YOU POSSIBLY CAN MOVE AWAY!!!!
SHE MAY CONTINUALLY FOLLOW YOU...JUST DON'T LET ANYONE KNOW WHERE YOU HAVE MOVED EXCEPT FOR YOUR FRIENDS!!!!!!!
More like robbed us of our potential of any kind.
❤
My parents did not take care of my hygiene, they did not take me to the dentist, they never said that they love me, they invalidated my feelings, i had rotten cloths, and a dirty home. I was taking care of my alcoholic mom and had to bring her home from the pub because she wasnt able to walk anymore. All that happened when I was a kid/teenager.
I am so sorry for you
That very moment when you feel you are an only adult in the family. I've grown up around the age of 3.
Same here sadly.
I was always known as the most mature kid in the class.
Exactly how I felt growing up was like Matilda taught myself everything iknow
@@montena369 Same
Ditto
TRUTH!!!!!!!
As a child I made a vow to never treat my own children like I was raised and broke the cycle of child abuse in one generation. Now mine are raising their children following my example. THAT is my lifetime achievement 🏆
I've been accused many times of being "childish" because as soon as I was free from my family I was finally able to do whatever I missed or what I was not allowed to do. Fine. But you don't have to worry. Because I will not be childish or mature around you. In fact I will not be around you at all. Ever.
Amén ❤
Excellent points!!!!
Damn great 👍🏽
Same here. I am a small person and been treated like a child until my 40s, and the famous sentence: Grow up! It makes me so upset 😭 I can’t. And apologising for everything.
@@chicaloca333I feel what you said, i don't want to be an adult if it means being like the example I had in life. This being said I find myself often feeling like I am a child trapped in my adult body. I recently remembered I was molested at young age. I started using drugs at a young age to ease the pain. I feel like my up bringing coupled with drugs and other trauma has left me developmentally stunted. I'm in therapy for this now and attend coda to learn healthy coping strategies. I'm 39 by the way. Thanks for sharing, wd are not alone.
💯
My childhood was a time of loss of innocence with my narc parents.
Same.
@@briansennett8460 same, and i've been fighting to get it back these past 3 years i've learned about narcissistic parents. its crazy how much it can take to get them the fuck out of your system
"It's never too late to have a happy childhood." Wow.
Robbed not only of a childhood, but of an entire life - including an adulthood - due to not being able to financially get out of living with my parents. I will be stuck in this prison forever.
Same😢 I'm 48.
My mom just died, 0 closure from her. I wanted so bad for things to be different with her.
My dad's in the hospital, withholding what the doctors are saying to keep us all further confused (attention tactic). Total insanity my entire life.
Me and my 3 siblings are all just old, wounded, lost children.
And now heartbroken without a "mom".
I feel the same.
So sorry for what y'all had to experience and are going through. Pastor Kevin la Ewing has videos on this and some other things to help us see how to be set free. It's mixed with the word of God, but listen you don't have to turn to him just yet, he shows you what's going on, in now and in the spiritual. Check it out I promise it will help. My mom is a covert narc, and I have children with one, I'm on my way out now.
If you are not handicapped or ill, you can get out of that hell.
Not once did my parents ever show any interest in my well being or safety. Instead, they endangered me every day through violence and ostracism. Their abuse has had a life long impact on my ability to maintain friendships, jobs, etc.
No contact… Stay the hell away from them and find yourself.
I think a lot of my "procrastination" comes from this. The constant criticism leads to perfectionism and paralysis. I dread taking care of financial responsibilities because I was forced to get my degree in business and take care of all family business for my entire life while my siblings left town and did whatever the hell they pleased, but still benefitting from the family business. I start by doing simple things for myself, like cooking and listening to music, and find it comforting and freeing, then I can face "the drudgery work" as I remind my inner child that we're only doing it for us now, no one else. The time is now! 😊
I blocked out most of my childhood..
Me too, I can’t remember a thing from it now at 37
@@TheREALLibertyOrDeath I am trying not to push.. If I am supposed to remember then I will..
Try pastor Kevin la Ewing he has videos on how they act, and how to understand yourself. He has helped me Alot. ❤ Much love and healing to you all. Through knowledge shall the JUST be delivered 🤗🥰💖
@@jernisharichard5032 Thank you.... I will check it out..
I have very few good memories and believe they are stories I was told. The abuse started at age 3, continued to 16. Remember more of that than anything😢
Mine didn't fake emotional support. "Quit your crying or I'll give you something to cry about!" We knew they would follow through. They were 'consistant," alright.
Yes....that resonates with me too. It’s horrible just thinking about it. I couldn’t say that to my children , ever. I can’t imagine not having feelings for my kids. I tell them everyday how much I love them. My kids have boundaries, and I was strict regarding limited computer time, sleep etc, but they played out in the countryside where we live. I love them and I was there to guide them.
Now they’re grown up, they don’t drink smoke or do anything illegal. They’re happy and balanced.
I did something right.
I didn’t want them feeling as I did as a child ....an ‘adult’ ...in my mind . I always felt older.
As child who at 8 years old I was babysitting my baby sisters, ( parents were out drinking) cleaning , washing dishes and making beds etc. I was told I’m selfish if I said I didn’t want to do it. I’d get punished physically for ‘ answering back’ eg if I wanted to play out with my friends. I’d be pulled not the house by my arm or hair, to stay with my sisters aged 1 and 3 ....I still get neck, shoulder and arm pain from the beatings I endured as a child.
@@FoxyUSAx Hello dear. I hear you and had same comments from my own mother who is still a mouthy spoiled brat. Now, that I'm older...she will say to me "I do not know anything about you." I gather it never crossed her mind that after the naked beatings, kneeling on rice, and pouring hot sauce in my mouth as well as backhanded mouth slaps has finally revealed you are not worthy of my trust or respect. So, I do not entertain or engage in her mind bending tactics.
My narcissistic mother showers gifts on me now that I'm out of her control
As I’ve healed, I’ve noticed I’m less serious and engage in playfulness more. It feels so good to reclaim that. But I’ve found it’s a good tool for finding healthy people. Narcissists aren’t capable of laughing at themselves, and wounded people still find play dangerous (because it would catch abusers’ attention). I won’t go on a date with a guy who takes himself too seriously; for me that’s a red flag.
I constantly sabotage myself. I start things, but never finish them. I will work on my health, start to see progress, whether through weight loss or muscles building, and then stop and go back to old habits. I procrastinate over everything. I have stopped doing the things I enjoy because the sadness and depression take over. The constant criticism from my mother was too much. Ironically, my older sister calls out my mother as a narcissist, but she is worse. And she would say the most horrible things to me. She criticized me the most. She would always say that she hated my laugh and it was stupid. I was always self conscious of it. Until one day at work, a lady from across the room, said to me that she loves my laugh. And every time she hears it, it makes her laugh too. An older gentleman once told me it sounds like music when I laugh. And yet, I still doubt it. I always wanted to be a writer. My older sister said I sucked at it. And my ex-husband said if he was grading my papers, he'd only give me C's. (I was in school when married to him and was actually getting A's and B's on my writing). So, I no longer write. I don't even read because it makes me sad that I never pursued writing. Or working in something with books. Narcissists destroy you. They mock you, then act offended when you defend yourself. They never acknowledge their behavior and only accuse you of being the difficult one. You will not and can not ever amount to anything good in their eyes. They will always find something you do that is a fault. From the job you do, the house you buy, the person you marry, the way you raise your kids, the clothes you wear, the car you drive, the vacations you take or don't take, the way they THINK you are wasting money, etc. It's draining to have to constantly second guess your decisions and/or justify them when it's pointed out as dissatisfactory to them.
Yeah it seems like narcissists worry way too much how other people spend their money or time. Everything is up for criticism!
@@HarryBarker-yp1xv That's my goal! :) Happy New Year!
I do the same things and feel the same way but we can't give up. That's the lynch pin between success and failure. You've made it most of the way, might as well finish. You'll feel a greater sense of accomplishment knowing you had extra obstacles in your path yet still persevered and succeeded. I'm into programming and Eli the Computer Guy said "People don't fail at programming, they just give up." I'm taking that mentality to other areas of life as well.
You explained it well, and everyone in the comments I understand y'all too.
This is debilitating and depressing.
You never do anything right, they blame you for showing them what they're doing. They put it on, twist your words and put you down for trying to stand up and show them. Pastor Kevin la Ewing has videos about this. Please try them, it helped me tremendously❤
I've been able to understand, and he is funny too, he shows you how it ties back to the evil in them, and how the devil blinds their minds. I know some
Might not want to hear this side of it, but I promise you, your eyes will be opened and it frees you. ❤
He's on UA-cam as well. Through knowledge shall the JUST be delivered 🤗
It took me 50 yrs to figure out that my father who criticized my singing was tone deaf and I had perfect pitch. I have a hearing problem in my left ear like Hughie Lewis from Hughue Lewies and the News. It is caused by a hypothyroid condition.My boyfriend heard me singing to The Who and said Beth you are singing on key perfectly. I said I am? Then we discovered I have ALSO problems hearing low frequencies in my left ear. I figured out that I can listen to a song 3 times and sing it back on key. I played the flute from grade 2 to 12 and my parents especially my Dad was envious of my abilities. My mother was also a narcissist. A stage mother that pushed me to perform solos at church. I hated it. I only was in band to get out of PE. I had problems running laps. Later on I would find out I had arthritis as an adult. I complained to my parents they would not tell my Doctor. Anyway I can hit the same notes as Streisand, Celine Dion and Dion Warwick. I also can hit BeeGees notes. I just need to work on vibrato. BTW, The BeeGees all had hearing loss in one ear. I have figured out when parents don't have a talent and the kids do then parents will destroy the kids to make themselves feel better. My left ear feel stopped up all the time. If I cover my right I can hear out of my left just not super low sounds. If you whisper I have to ask you to speak up. . Or I just get you to write it down.
I never realised (till a few years ago) what was wrong with my family, I just knew it felt better when I was with another family, at a different house ❤
My parents discouraged me from doing or becoming anything. I was stupid, lazy etc from my teens on.
My narc parents invalidated my feelings to the point where they made me go to school when I wasn't feeling well, "oh, you're not really sick". It took me decades to heal from their neglect but I learned to paint, sketch, and write and that helped enormously. Thx Dr. Wise, your videos are always so helpful! Happy New Year ❤
My parents did the same thing. I broke my wrist when I was 8 yrs old and suffered with it for almost two days before I was finally taken to the ER to get a cast. My father told me there was nothing wrong with me. And my parents berated me for breaking my wrist trying to make me feel guilty about it. I went to school with strep throat among other things because they would always say there is nothing wrong with me.
@@lynny5510 that is terrible! I am sorry 😭
Blessings to you GraveyardGhost.
@@kameshiam1674 thx darlin! Same to you :)
I am very sorry for how your parents neclected you breaking your wrist and having to try heal yourself from disease! Children who have tonsillitis, cannot heal by themselves. I had Rheumatic fever and they did nothing, causing a damaged heart valve. When I told my narc mom about a bully at school, she said that nobody likes me, I have no friends. which was a big lie. I have 3 friends since we were 5 yo, and now as senior citizens we get together every year.
My mother would fluctuate between a needy 3 year-old and a crazed screaming banshee. Not sure what that diagnosis is. Crazy?
Neurosis
I was denied hobbies and schoolwork was sabotaged. I’m fortunate enough to have been blessed with intelligence and succeeded graduating college despite my mother’s efforts to keep me from doing so. Major lack of boundaries and no respect to this day. I’ve finally decided no contact is the only way to keep myself sane. I became a mother and I will not let her manipulate and degrade my child the way she has done me.
Jerry, you saved my mental health in 2023. I survived my father's abandoning me because of you. I am so grateful for all your teachings. Happy New Year!
I used to get a physical pit in my stomach every time I heard my narc stepfather coming down the stairs, or when I’d see his car pull into the driveway. Now I get one every time I have to go back to my moms house because I know he’s there, listening in on everything I say and trying to control me even as an adult. I wish I could never see him again but my 12 year old sister means too much to me, and it sickens me that she is going through exactly what I did.
The wisdom and compassion contained in this video and others like this sure would have helped 30 years ago. Better late than never! I didn’t know that it was necessary or even ok to love myself.
Yes imagine if we had this information so readily available back then. But absolutely better late than never!!
Parentified child here!✋🏻Doesn’t end until you end it. I still feel guilt for going low contact, and I am cognizant of how I want to save others. Now, I talk myself out of it. “Not my journey.”
I'm in my late 60's. Mom always had The Today Show on in the morning. I walked by and she said, "Why can't you be like Jane Pauley?" She was on that show in the 70's.
I told my mother I can only be myself. I still think about how odd that felt.
I went on to college and later joined the Navy. They never came to visit or interact with my accomplishments. I had to go visit them.
They were emotionally and physically vacant, since childhood.
Great video Jerry! It brought back that memory. I think many people are too immature to be parents, unfortunately.
I never got visited at college either!
I remember taking the train home from school with some friends and one of them was jumping up and down and laughing and I remember wondering what it felt like to be so lighthearted. I was always very serious and defensive. I was the family scapegoat so I didn't know how else to be. My mother used to call me a "pill"
3) Emotional neglect - we never had just happy times, there was no day, no dinner, no time that was just for being happy or a good time. Birthdays, good report cards, just because it's Tuesday and there's nothing actually big going on - none of those times were for encouragement or compliments or sharing jokes. They had been briefly when they first married, but by the time I was in middle school, every event was too busy to receive any attention or it was knives out with every grudge rumbling under the table. I knew all about loss and grief, but when was the time for happiness and being glad in each others company?
Never had my feelings validated. Absolutely never.
When I hear about elder abuse by adult children I often wonder if that's payback for the way they were treated as children.
I feel the opposite. I’m 35 and even though I’m away from my narcissistic family, the church is still encouraging me to go back. It’s so hard.
I get it. My father was a pillar of the church, a deacon. He passed away this last August at age 90. I am 70. It almost made me feel numb sitting at the funeral listening to how wonderful he was. I began my healing journey at age 65. I knew better than to let it pull me down. I just politely sat and listened. The church knew a different man than the one I had to experience growing up as the only son. They never saw the man I had to work with and deal with. It is still very confusing to me as a Christian how a "Godly" man could be so abusive. Just keep doing the inner work of healing. The healing will probably take me the rest of my life, but the journey so far has been so worth it.
@@soaring4585The narcissists in the Church are constant predators preying on those who are genuine.
Religion is just a tool to control people's behaviour.
Abandon it ASAP.
Stay away from the church. Real godly people don't tell you to allow people to abuse you
Don't. Go. Back. Ever. Keep your healing maybe the church is an extension of your families narcissism
I always said I never had a childhood
I once told my mother that I always felt weird and that I was in trouble after confiding in her or my dad about my feelings. She chuckled and said "See you're just like your father!" 🥺
Thank you for posting this. It’s New Year’s Eve and I’m definitely feeling a bit more emotional as it’s the first one since going no contact with my mother. It’s a bittersweet day. No contact was best but you still mourn the relationship as you heal.
I think we mourn the moms we wish they had been 😢
Take good care of yourself and be gentle with yourself. You've made the right choice for you.❤
I feel you. I went no contact with anyone in my family since July. Quite frankly, it's heartbreaking. It weighs on me every day. No call for the holidays to check in on me. Sent my kids cards with money for Christmas writing how much they miss THEM. As if it's me keeping them away. My daughter called my mother, who did call back. And repeated how she missed them for Christmas. NOT me, her and her brother. I could probably cry about it everyday. To be dismissed, ignored, rejected once again. Sadly, they see no fault of theirs. Not my parents or my sisters. And never will. I could bet a million dollars while they were sitting around the table at the holidays, it was 'there she goes again'..'typical Steph behavior'. Not recognizing or acknowledging the messages I sent to them about how I was feeling. All of it was ignored. They can't say they don't know why I won't communicate with them. They just refuse to accept their role in my staying away. I wish you peace in 2024 and please know that you are not alone feeling emotional this New Year's Eve.
@@AzazelsWings beautifully said. Couldn’t agree more with that!
@@AzazelsWings
SO TRUE!!!!!
Omgosh. A life of perfection trying to win their approval. Thank you !!! for the affirmation.
😢But true Jerry that's what happened to me in my childhood my life was stolen from me also had this happen in my teens and adulthood. Can relate to your video.
TRUTH!!!!
They suck!
My mother passed away 2 months ago. She asked me if there was something she did wrong and if so if I would tell her. She knew what was up. Even in the last minute she wanted this for herself. I did not fall into this trap and told her I could not thank of anything. Now she is gone I am truely happy I did not give her any closure on being a narc. It’s horrible but I she died a long time ago for me.
My Narc Mother stopped me from fulfilling my dreams.
I just hope that you still find a chance to fulfill your dreams now. Narcs don't deserve to have our potential ruined for life.
When advocating for my younger brother's emotional well-being, I realize the extent of my mother's emotional neglect and abuse from BPD symptoms.
I see myself as the aunts I had, the ones attempting to advocate for my own development in childhood. Many times, they would be absent from family gatherings for months at a time for disagreeing with my mother, banished and shunned in order to comply.
I realized one thing I've missed is the healthy development milestones and the ability to identify emotions and feel them.
Learning this as an adult feels so stunted, yet liberating as my emotional maturity exceeds my family of origin.
Undoing is a process. If you dont know how to swim, you need someone to show you how.
Jerry I was raised by a narcissist father who could never see me as an adult. I was raised in an ethnic household in Canada where women were considered second class citizens yet I was encouraged to go to school and become a doctor. Little did I know that my father expected me to not ever have a life. He thought I was a child even at 30. When I met my husband he declared World War III. I was a people pleaser and my husband was a narcissist ( unbeknownst to me ). So the cycle continued until he discarded me just 3 months shy of our 25 thank you for everything anniversary.
To my parents I was a possession to be used for fulfilling all their own unfulfilled dreams and for providing them financial security in their retirement years . To my husband I was a shiny object also to be used.
I thank God I became a doctor and helped so many people. My patients, my staff and my personal friends gave me the support my parents and my husband never gave me.
Thank you for you channel. I have found peace as I am putting all the pieces of my life together.
I’ve been adopted under x to a enabling covert narc mother and a psychopathic alcoholic raging adoptive brother who tried killing me over 3 times in my short 30 year lifespan
I’m disabled so I can’t get out,
I wish there were more videos about adopted under x victims of narc parents or adopted siblings
I’ve been abandoned at birth once and for the rest of my life by my narc enabling adoptee mother
It’s hell on earth
I too experienced HELL on earth. I always wished my parents put me up for adoption , but it sounds like I have magical thinking in that it would have for sure been better as that has not been the case for you.
I wish there were more videos for disabled victims of Narc Abuse. So many people just tell victims to 'just leave'. What if you are like me or you where you are physically or developmentally disabled and to leave might literally result in your almost immediate death?
I don't have data on this but I feel like people severely underestimate the percentage of caregivers who are abusive. They make the assumption that if someone really didn't care about you they'd dump you, but in my experience some abusers LOVE having a disabled victim: a nice captive audience for their abuse that they can use for endless supply. If they feel like getting praised they can throw their disabled victim breadcrumbs of care, if they're in a bad mood (which abusers almost always are) then they can abuse their disabled victim to their heart's content, safe in the knowledge that their victim CANNOT LEAVE.
And then, if their disabled victim tries to sound the alarm, the abuser can mindfuck them by throwing all the scraps of caregiving in their face. And their scraps of caregiving make an EXCELLENT defense to convince people outside the abuse system: 'how could someone who feeds and shelters their developmentally disabled child and drives them to doctor's appointments possibly be abusive? the child must be misinterpreting things, they ARE messed up in the head after all, their screwed-up brain must be preventing them from realizing what a treasure their parent is!' the onlookers will think.
My husband has been through the same hell being adopted by a malignant covert narc mother. His father was a decent man, but my MIL is demonic.
@@dianeshoemaker6591 for some adoption can be a good thing in an already very difficult situation but that all depends on where you end up being adopted to
@@TalkingWeirdStuff24 I couldn’t have said it better ! This is so true! I feel like you’re describing what’s happening with me and my toxic adoptive parent.
She actually uses these exact tactics
And I wish there was more help and resources for us because I’m simply not able to walk away
I’m disabled and I need a caretaker
Yet even professionals can be fooled by these narcs when they go into their “I’m such an amazing parent” plus mine always uses the “but how can I not love her I adopted her” even though behind doors she’s telling me if she’d knew she’d get a child like me she’d never have had said yes when the agency called
But imo she only wanted children because she wanted them
(Sorry English is not my first language)
Love these videos about dysfunctional families relationships I wouldn’t have never known if I hadn’t researched things like this i would be still be trying to figure out why Is my family so mean to me and pretend to be loving
real family in the real world is not perfect like tv program family ties
@@johnchacko1425 I’m not asking for a flawless family I know family are not going to be like a tv family it’s just I’m not even asking to fix them see that’s just it I want to get away from them but bc of my mental disability I can’t leave them I don’t know how not just bc of the usual fact of keeping me prisoner mentally but really having a intellectual disability having trouble learning life skills they’re not helping me with
At a certain age we accept reality , I m grateful to have my own space.
Same here! 😢I am the crazy childish selfish person and also good for nothing, they mocked me for not being able to keep a job doing what I studied, my sister triangulates saying my cousin is “our engineer in the family” and that I am not because I don’t have a job doing that. All this in front of everyone, in a tone of “we are proud of her” nothing like you
I dont remember majority of things that happened in my childhood. All i recollect is taking care of my brother and cleaning tirelessly as around the age of 7 or 8.I was not seen or heard. I dont remember any happy moments
I feel so numb from having to stuff my emotions down constantly. I have felt like a psychopath because at times I just can't feel anything at all. After learning about narcissism and facing the hard facts my mom is narcissistic. Now I have always found men just like her. Figured it out finally. It's a relief to understand there wasn't anything wrong with me. I was depressed because it was so stressful and not because I'm defective. She couldn't see past her pain and I don't hate her for it. My heart deeply aches for her but I know what she really is.
I did have to be an adult at 7. She needed a babysitter so I offered to help. Little did I know I was setting myself up. I was responsible for my special needs sister my entire childhood. I moved out the day I graduated. They had already planned my future to watch my sister. I love her but I had to get away from them. Now she is all alone with my mom.....I know she lives in hell and I feel so guilty.
I’m learning to be young and wise at the same time. Thank you for the support, Jerry!!!!!
The Garfield comic gave me a childhood. I don't have good memories of my parents. The excitement of the daily comics and specials provided good memories.
Wasn't allowed to date, have friends, talk to anyone, wasn't allowed to have nice things, my hair was shaved to look like a boy because they were jealous of my beauty, envious of what I have, never knew my relatives like aunties or uncles or cousins because they can't allow you take that attention away from them, isolated and now in adulthood I isolate myself from the world and don't trust anyone and I have no friends
me too. except my hair, but I always had to wear a ponytail
💯💯 thank you for sharing this wonderful video.
My mom robbed me of my education at the age of 17. I wanted to finish school, but she listened to my big sister’s opinions and unenrolled me out of it. After that I was forced to grow up and take care of her plus the rest of my relatives. It’s been 8 years of having no high school education, I’m regretting it everyday. It’s difficult to find a stable job and I desire to further my education, but I have no high school educated or transcripts to prove that I ever finished. It’s a lot and I would type how I feel, but it won’t change what my mother has done to me.
I just found your channel yesterday and I’m binging your videos (audio only) while I’m at work today. I keep laughing out loud at how spot on you articulate things I dealt with but never knew. It’s a relief.
The vilification of my childhood, by my wonderfulmother, excused the daily physical violence, name calling, food restriction, confinement and humiliation.
I remember well, in the fifth grade I made a new friend and went over to his home where I found supportive parents and siblings who loved him. My thought was that this is weird.
Sir, you are helping so many! Thank you from my heart!
So nice of you
Agreed but the biggest robbery is taking away the opportunity to live on my own. I feel that if my parents had allowed me to live by myself as a young adult, whether it’s an apartment or home, then I would have been better off in many ways. I think it’s important for everyone to live on their own at some point in their lives even if it’s just a couple years. I’ve been estranged from my parents for 7 years and am close to 50 but I feel living by ourselves forces us to introspect and re-examine the importance of our relationships. I stayed by myself for maybe a month or two at a time when my wife used to go to India to see her family, and in that short time, I came to the conclusion that being in solitude allows introspection without having to cut ties with people. It creates healthy boundaries that are often compromised in extended family settings where we are quite frankly always in each other’s faces. For those who have lived by themselves, the “living like a bachelor” only lasts a short time and then things start going wrong in the home. Stuff breaks, we don’t know what to do, sometimes the heating or air conditioning doesn’t work, etc. When our basic needs are challenged, it also promotes us to re-examine our relationships. Are we going to go crying back to a toxic relationship when we can’t fix a basic item in our home by ourselves? Many people compromise living by themselves over stuff like this. I never cooked, but I wouldn’t have survived too much ordering pizza every day. All these things are a factor in how we choose our living and our relationships, and as crazy as it sounds, we often stay in toxic relationships out of simple fear that we can’t live by ourselves. Independence is something we need to develop at a young age otherwise we’ll be old and it’ll be too late when we realize we’re stuck in toxic relationships because we simply do not have the skills needed to walk away and live by ourselves successfully.
Robbed of Spiritual stability
It was obvious, from my and my siblings' parents' behavior - and words, that they regretted starting a family.
I have been told I'm too serious or too sensitive all my life. How do i know if it is just my personality or a result of childhood problems?
Pushed to be a ballerina, a pianist, a gymnast, a model. A waste of my talent which was a singer. And if I had been left alone, I could have lived my dream. So many "ifs".
Love your videos. So helpful. Do a video on a special kind of hell. Parents that are narcissists when you are the ONLY child.
I'd like to see that one too.
In the case of covert/vulnerable narcissistic family systems like mine, I felt like I had a perfect childhood but was robbed of an adulthood. As soon as adolescence began - the age where one starts having individual values outside of the family context - THAT'S when all of the emotional invalidation and shaming truly began.
Yep
I believe i experienced this also. At the time growing up you don't know anything different, that's how it is and you just accept it as normal.
Reparenting ourselves is so important. I try to make time for play and schedule play, which has really helped me connect with myself (and my inner child).
Dr Wise This the story of my life.
You hit the bullseye!! The most profound podcast. TY!!
Had to carry my checked out alcoholic father daily. Silent treatment is still the worst.
It has made me stronger. Look where they came from and be sure of your purpose. It is tough to find out that the those y😢u have placed in high regard are selfish little people. Oh well!
Rob us of our holidays and birthday's 🎉
Great material, Jerry. Thank you so much. The "when" (I began to care for myself) came after my mother died. I finally felt a relase when she passed away, but it took at least another 10-12 years until I started writing about it all...and then I felt a huge weight lifted. ❤
What saved me in my childhood growing up is I was readings books and counselling information , it helped me with self care and I was able to find comfort in journaling in the midst of all that, of course my mother did her best to destroy my dignity. I'm happy I found this channel it gave me comfort in my final no contact decision that was long time due.
I've put a note on my mirror, saying "I love myself as I am, I am loved and loving and I forgive myself all of my mistakes".
Each morning, when I look into my mirror, I read that note. 😊
I wish us all a wonderful peaceful new year full of love and happiness 🕊️✨💖✨🕊️✨💖✨🕊️✨💖✨🕊️✨💖
My Dad: "You've been old since you were eight".
Me: Yeah. I wonder why...
🎉Happy Healthy New Year🎉
Love is a choice 🙌🏼♥️ Thank you so much for your work. I realized I was raised by a narcissistic mother from watching your videos. Let me tell you, I have never felt so seen in this area of my life. You described the dynamics so clearly. I have now decided to go no contact with my mother and it has been tremendously peaceful. I will choose to love myself no matter what. Thanks again and God bless you.
I PROMISE SHE WILL TRY TO INVADE YOUR LIFE AGAIN!!!!!!
BEST TO FORGIVE AND GO NO CONTACT...
OTHERWISE, I PROMISE YOU WILL ENDURE THE PAIN OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN!!!!
HEAL AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!!!!!✝️
@@sylviacaldwell2139 You are right. She’s definitely is attempting but I’m sticking to my decision to go no contact. It’s hard and hurt at first. It’s better this way for me. Thank you for your support ♥️
Thanks Jerry. So glad I found you as you help me stay strong in my decision to go no contact. I'm in no rush to reestablish contact with them. In 5 years time I'll be as old as they were when they deserted me and my siblings as they considered us old enough to look after ourselves as very young adults.
I understand the “when” part, but I truly don’t know what “loving yourself” or “myself” looks like…how to really do it…🤷🏼♀️😔
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/
They don't love you, they love the idea of you and it's always a bad idea.
They have possessions, physically and in an invisible way (the unseen strings), no children. They don’t know what true love is, because they pushed down their deepest pain and shame, and became a facade. Being close to those people is draining by default, they are like AI, non exist.
I could have been so much more if I had gotten the support I needed. It's no point lamenting that, though, now that I'm middle-aged. However, it still stings that one of my siblings became so accomplished. My horrible, narcissistic mother used him as her "trophy" to show that she isn't a f*cked-up parent. 😢🤬
Congrats on your 100k!🎉
That's probably the reason I enjoy so 11:20 much watching happy famílies leaving theme parks after a whole day of fun. They're tired but smiling, children still excited, remembering everything they did and saw together, saying they don't want that day to end and parents patiently explaining they have to go back home. I don't have any happy childhood memory, watching other famílies having these happy moments warmths my heart.
Thank You for sharing Mr. Wise! My mother is a narcissist and sadly I just figured this out in May of 2023, I'm 39 now. She has turned my own siblings against me, mainly my brother! She has also made false insurance claims for "disabilities" that are inconsistent with how she is now. Talk about an attention seeker, geez!
I think of this all the time. I feel it every day.
This is all true for me... the criticism part is interesting as it was not direcrt, she projected herself and her goals on to us, and so criticism was indicated by absence of praise or not spoken to, or she would trounce off or walk away. We had to figure it out from her passive-agression.🤨
Thank you. Every video is therapy 🎉💐
I’ve been practicing pulling back my antenna in terms of looking at strangers. Like while shopping I focus on being transactional. Otherwise I get so much feedback that o feel like crying in busy stores. Since those folks aren’t a big part of my life it saves me energy to focus on shopping instead.
Thank you so much. You are truly an amazing help in my life.
✨✨✨
I'm so glad!