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you can learn and share eft techniques with your audience FOR FREE, because if people just added tapping to that shaming and blaming that would turn this around as when we tap we are literally calming our brain and self down while externalizing the problem and then a natural cognitive shift happens as we are literally experiencing the event. Many people have no money at all and are literally barely surviving and they still need help. This won't take away from your clients and them coming to you, this is just going to help those who could not afford your services right now but with a little help they could turn their life around and then they will become your client when they need that help and can pay. Every soul we help, even a little, is a soul that is allowed to grow and then help another. Much Love~
Thank you, I needed this one too because I have been thinking about whether it would be worth "honoring" my parents despite that I don't care emotionally about them anymore. My concern is mostly the triangulation issue, you see Dr. Wise, I'm from a different culture so in Africa, not honoring your parents can be quite a spectacle so thank you for this video. This is very freeing Mr. Wise. This made me wiser.
😎Thanks Jerry, your videos are like therapy for me.Every video I watch, I feel like my healing has started. Especially when you mentioned the Bible part, about honoring your mother and father.But it's hard when they act like Dark Vader, that really hit home for me respectfully.
That’s just it. I wonder how to do it. Is it that I paid to keep heat in her house? Paid her other children’s rent, time and again? But do I negate that when I tell people she was an abusive narc?
@collegerebel it definitely does but also includes lying, being passive aggresive, spreading rumors to friends and family, guilt tripping, mocking and being physically abusive as well
My narcissistic parents victim-blamed me for being raped by a male shipmate when deployed to Iraq and covered up with a bad paper discharge when I attempted to report it, after they talked me into enlistment on 9/11. They stopped talking to me a decade ago, when my wife's family saved me from suicidal ideation. I was their only heir when they abandoned me, so I abandoned my role to honor their name, and took my wife's maiden name in marriage.
@LyssieLysse I understand where you're coming from. Some days I feel the same but ultimately I don't think two wrongs make a right. They'll be held accountable for leading their children to wrath, while you will be held accountable for dishonoring them. I guess just try to keep the peace? Don't raise your voice or curse at them or about them is a good place to start. When they tempt you to sin through anger, dishonoring them, or any other sin, it's time to leave.
I honor my monster parents by staying as far away from them as I can, and not passing on the rage attacks to the next generations. At least as best I can.
YEP! What could be more honoring than letting them live their lives exactly the way they want to? They are free from the burning light of Jesus that lives inside me and angers them so much.
Trying to honor my mother kept me trapped for years. Once I understood that our relationship dynamic was idolatry, on my part, I had a much easier time letting go. ✌🏼
YEPPERS!!!!!!! And they Seemed to PURPOSELY choose to OPPOSE GOD in almost ALL POINTS! Just messing with me, to have me constantly having to choose between their wishes and THE WORD OF GOD! the enemy loves parents/people who submit to being used like this. they do seem to get some earthly respect & rewards. they'll LIE, and RECRUIT & turn everyone against you. U won't even know what's going on- you'll be too tired trying to fulfil their ever- expanding, ever-changing "wishes". it's actually a perfectly "crafted" campaign to Kill, Steal, Destroy and Waste (YOUR GOD-GIVEN LIFE) driven by someone/ something THAT ABSOLUTELY ABHORS GOD BECAUSE THEY DEMAND TO BE GOD in Your LIFE without HONORING HIM in theirs. 😢 PRAISE GOD FOR JESUS!!!
Living in the buckle of the Bible belt, I can attest this ideology is leaned on heavily. Furthermore, being a child of narcissistic parents and being raised in the Baptist church, this was extensively used in abusive ways. If I simply said something my mother didn't agree with, I wasn't honoring/respecting her. And, of course, her views and opinions were like the wind, making it impossible to keep up with. Although, I think the real deal is that she would simply make her position contrary to mine for whatever reason. I went no-contact 3-4 years ago with my mother. And, I was estranged from my father for 20 someodd years prior to his death. This was before I knew exactly what narcissism was. I simply got tired of his abusiveness and watching him swindle myself and others. People come at me often with, "You need to let go of all the hate" business. I can't say I ever felt hate. I feel anger at my mom because she fits the venerable narcissist type and I was played by her far more emotionally than with my overt father. But, mostly I feel ripped off. How can parents, especially mothers, take their child's life away from them? My mother feels she completed her obligation by feeding and clothing. Narcissist parents with religious backgrounds raise their children to serve. Perhaps not by design, but it happens nonetheless. My parents gave us life. Never taught us how to live. Never taught us how to love. I have a difficult time thinking I myself am narcissistic because for 54 years I have put others first. I think if you don't take on the highly narcissistic traits, you become the world's servant.
I relate to what you said in your comment. In the Bible Belt this verse is used so many times as a manipulation tactic. Yes, being raised by Narc parents as the children we develop narcissistic traits or caretaker traits. It sounds like you have the caretaker traits. You might really enjoy looking into Inner Bonding by Margret Paul. Changed my life.
Farming people also use kids as slaves. My family was Baptist, farmers, and the cycle of abuse goes back multiple generations. Huge mess we have in our society, thankfully real solutions are getting found and practiced and shared. Am also over 50 yrs old. Had depression. Dealt with it. Now dealing with CPTSD from all the abuse. Don't think becoming the abusive person is an answer. You may also need some CPTSD help, as simple healthy boundaries are likely the better choice for moving forward. Check youtube/crappy childhood fairy. Giving up is not an option, friend.
@@jankate88 in this case it's a pretty nefarious manipulation tactic. "You're disagreeing with God!". Nope, I am not disagreeing with God; I do not think that's what God means or wants.
"My mother feels she completed her obligation by feeding and clothing." - Yes, provided physical needs only is not being a parent. If they cannot also nurture, and guide lovingly, then they're not parents, having only sired offspring to allow the streets and the public schrool system to raise their children.
The Bible also tells parents to respect their children. Here's one verse Ephesians 6:4: “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Nowhere in the Bible does it say to abuse your children. Also the Bible says to avoid bad people and your enemies will be in your own family. This sounds like the Bible is telling us to go no contact with abusive parents.
My narcissistic parents, never bought me a Bible & they both had their own Bibles & my mother told me I could not read or study her Bible!! What Christian parents don't buy Bibles for their kids & yet not allow them to use their Bibles??
@@RonSafreedI was 10, dusting the bookcase and discovered a Bible with my father's name in it. I sat down to look through it and my mother ripped it from my hands, slapped me across my face and told me I was never to read a Bible. When I professed Jesus as Lord - and never threw it in her face, but she learned from my brothers - she went nuclear. The silent treatment lasted for 26 years. She is now dead and it is good to be in this world without her. I knew nothing about her childhood but often wondered what made her so cold and mean. Now I know.
Honoring thy parent does not mean blind obedience, does not mean exposing yourself continually to someone's abusive or toxic behavior. Honoring may also mean you pray for your (persecutors, abusers or enemies) and creating distance to protect yourself and to prevent the abuser from further adding up more to their sins that could lead them to eternal damnation. I know that may sound too religious. But that is how I understand it.
Honor your father and mother by living the upright, moral and honorable life they would have wanted for you if they were well. Others will see your life and account it to your upbringing, thus giving honor to them.
*gag* I hate how true this really is, even tho they deserve such little credit for how great my life actually is depsite how hard they try to make it for me. It's a good response, regardless of what they do or dont do.
Exactly! I finally arrived at this conclusion, too. The life I lead is, by any REASONABLE person's standard, an honorable one. Not my fault if my parents are not reasonable people. It's like the original Disney Mulan movie where the little dragon is screaming about dishonoring one's house and ancestors. You can bring honor or dishonor upon your 'house' by your actions. In other words, you make your parents look good or you make them look bad by your behavior, even if no one knows who your parents are. Example: an admiring stranger may comment about you, "Your parents must be very proud of you." Even though you know that is not true and never will be because of your parents' disfunctions; you have nevertheless honored them by being honorable. My parents define honor as unquestioning lifelong submission and obedience. But they are wrong. That is not the definition of honor. That is the definition of oppression.
@@reneeruff513Once I got this kind of compliment from a French family (I am German) they told me I was by far not as bad as an average psychologists daughter would be expected to be. LOL 😄
I won several national academic and art awards, as well as academic scholarships to a university about 200 miles from home. When I asked my parents for more financial assistance, Mom derided my accomplishments and said, "[My son] has champagne taste on a beer budget!" She never once visited my college, never bothered to investigate what I was going through. I couldn't get financial aid -- my parents made too much money. Nearly starving to death leaves a bad taste in your mouth, so I gave up and never finished college. I promulgated an air quality program for my home state that stuffed the extreme environmentalists _AND_ the energy interests, but I had to take an oath to not profit from it. The program sinuously affected the entire nation. and, naturally, Mom sarcastically asked, "Did you make any money off of it?!" My first child was born deaf, and we decided he would received a cochlear implant. He was among the first to enter primary school with such an advanced device, which required a specific therapy regimen. Everything we instructed Mom to do, she did the opposite. And when I called her on it, she stormed away while yelling, "YOU DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHAT I THINK!" One evening my family and I visited Mom and Dad. We walked into their living room, where I sat down in a large wooden chair, and both my kids immediately sat in my lap. We were laughing and chatting, tickling and hugging each other when Mom gave us very scornful look and yelled, "MY DADDY NEVER DID THAT WITH ME!!" and her right hand flew out of her lap and audibly slapped her mouth, covering it. I argued for improving the design of the local interstate, in order to reduce the number of wrecks/deaths. The state agreed and did what I wanted. Mom said I didn't know what the heck I was talking about, never mind the accident and death rates plummeted. I joined Mom's effort to break down the "brick walls" in her family genealogy that she'd encountered over the previous 30 years. After five years of research and traveling, I solved every one of the mysteries, then took Mom on a tour of her family's regions to show her how I proved she was right. A few days later I walked into her favorite bar to immediately hear her scoff, "My son's a weirdo -- he likes to hang out in cemeteries!" Mom asked me to pursue justice against the fool who killed her husband, my father, in a car wreck. I developed the argument for a murder charge, and the prosecutor used it to set a precedent that has been upheld in courts all over the USA. After sentencing, the prosecutor publicly praised me and encouraged me to run for office. Mom repeatedly yelled out "It doesn't matter what he said in there, [my son] doesn't represent the family!" Just a tiny glimpse into the 46 years I spent trying to win the love and approval of my mother, which was always met with contempt. To her very last days, she was "Miss Information, the Queen of Envy". The only way to honor her was to walk away and leave it up to her. She reciprocated by seeking supply as an abandoned parent, telling everyone "HE HATES ME!" SMH!
Another toxic twist to this “honour your father/mother”, is they use it to justify why they expect you, the child in the relationship, to be and do better than them, the adults, all while staying submissive and inopiniated.
@@jackilynpyzocha662 I had always hoped my parent's would have divorced, like yours. They have been married 76 years. I have only stuck around for my mom. My best to you! 💝
He is right. Hating them hurts us, not them. It doesn't hurt them because they never cared in the first place, remember this! I finally let the hatred go but it took afew years. I finally feel released ❤
Yep. My parents couldnt care less how i actually feel about them as long as I present as someone who loves them according to their definition of love. And even when im not presenting as loving, they will just rationalize and warp it into "oh youre just going through a personal thing that has absolutely nothing to do with us but youll eventually get over it and we can get back to normal"
My parents were faux religious . It only served their perceived social standing by attending church and then resort to the inevitable rage and scream fests that ensued after an hour in a pew by demonizing us for not making them look better when we were out in public . I always felt that my mother - a covert narc - considered herself my owner . She certainly thought she owned all my time at the very least . In my twenties I decided I no longer wanted any relationship with her . I felt that I no longer wanted to be 'dragging' her through life with me while screaming and raging at me about everything . Dropping her ended my relationship with all other family members who seemed to resent that I was dishonouring her as well as taking her target of entertainment away . We are the only ones that can help ourselves - NO ONE is coming to save us .
Amen, you honor them by having boundaries with them. I haven't talked to my mom in almost 3 years and counting, forgiving her on my end by going to God about it, and I am at peace. Praise God, He is good even when others are not.
AS A Muslim background, it hurts me alot when flying monkeys say: honor your parents, because everything you have and everything positive in your life is because of them
I honor my parent by staying away and giving them no more opportunities to rack up offenses (lying, stealing, slandering, belittling, emotionally and physically assault) that they will need to answer for later.
It seems the less contact, the better they behave. When I was calling and visiting often, the verbal attacks became more brutal each time. Eventually, I got the message. My Mom wanted me to stay away. So I'm doing that now. It's better for both of us.
Thank you for this. I believed I was honoring my mother when I went no contact. I honored in the way that I wasn't going to be mean or cruel to her, though she was that way to me. Going no contact is the only way I could escape and not be mean to her. I feel better comforted in my decision.
I went no contact with my mom, after being her caregiver for 14 yrs. with my dad, also a narcissist and of those 14 yrs. was her exclusive caregiver for 5 yrs before she went into assisted living. She passed away two yrs. ago this past Dec with pneumonia and was septic from a chronic bladder infection. Her death happened at the height of covid so we were not allowed into the hospital, she died alone. She was not a mother in the real sense of the word, because she was not motherly in the slightest. My dad was an alcoholic throughout my childhood and to keep him from beating on her she would lie to him and place the blame on my brother and myself, they we'd get a beating. I've forgiven them both, more so for my sake, sadly my brother has been a drug addict and also narcissist since he was a teen, not in his ealry 50's. There was relief felt when mom passed but now my dad and brother are making me, the truth teller the scapegoat. I've simply had enough vicious things said to me and about me, more so from my brother but my dad seems to agree because he never confronted him. I've gone no contact with my brother and have very limited contact with my dad and his covert narcissist girlfriend. I'm working on healing myself and finding my real identity, for most of my almost 59 yrs I've been the people pleaser, care giver and I'm finding there is so much more to life away from the ill people.
I feel the same exact way. Instead of choosing to call her out on her toxic insecurities that she operates on and insisting that she change for the sake of making me more comfortable, I chose to tell her that the way she lives her life is her choice and her right, but it isnt compatible with how I live my life and so its best that I take distance. In a way I feel like I'm honoring her more than the enablers in her life do, or at least in a different way from them.
I'm early 30s. Whenever I was around her (mother) I realised that my immune system was fighting itself and shutting down. She always compared me to relatives. Constant beatings from her & shouting when I was a child. All i saw was a scary being that could hit me any time. My anxiety constantly sky high. I was suicid*l for years. She was so desperate she married 3 times to all abusive men. She let pervert men be around me. Police were always at the house. Constant attitude and jealousy from her when I became an adult because I've made better choices and started giving her advice. She always compared me to other relatives. She never let me have boundaries. She turned relatives against me. Always playing victim. She always thought she was right saying 'The bible says honour mother'. I told her that's all crap & respect must be earned. I cut her & the relatives off, went no contact over a year ago and my mind and body are finally healing & my life is getting better, is more peaceful & exciting. I'm so proud of myself ✨
Yes. My Mom gave me regular beatings most days. And she got my Dad to beat me most days too. She attacked my weight and made me depressed and suicidal too as a teen. When I became an adult, I confronted her about it, but got no memory recall or apology . So now I'm very low contact by phone and it's been 6 years since I've seen her in person. She's got her other 6 perfect kids to see all the time.
My priest says that you honor them with your life, not with pretending they were great nurturing parents. In healing and becoming a more functional, reasonably happy contributor to society, I fulfil the commandment.
Are you Catholic? I recently converted to Catholicism and my parents are cradle Catholics who left the faith and raised me in a cult. I recently had to go No Contact with them. My mom is a covert narcissist. I think it is an evil spirit that influences them in this way.
@@praytherosary7086 I'm Orthodox; my parents were nondenominational Protestants. I agree with you that there is a clear demonic influence in our world in general. 🙏
Once I accepted that my parents wish I had never been born, all the harm and neglect from birth made sense. I honor them by giving them what they wanted in the first place, to not have me in their lives. By letting them go I set myself free.
Yes! After realizing Mom had never called, never visited over the 28 years since I first left home, never actively participated in my children's lives, always attacked with "IT'S MY TIME!!" when I made a suggestion how she could spend time with any of her progeny, and relentlessly publicly and privately shamed me for 46 years, I finally honored her by walking away: I simply left it up to her to demonstrate that she wanted a relationship. She answered by playing the abandonment victim, and seeking supply from her "friends" and golden children, but she refused to communicate with me or her four other scapegoat children -- probably because she was afraid of being confronted with the truth about her pathological behavior. Ironically, one of her golden children refused to stay away when he and his family had COVID. The other golden child said, "They were all over her". Both Mom and the other golden child got sick, both were gravely ill from it, and Mom eventually died as the perpetrator attempted to keep it a secret from the rest of us. What a family, what a legacy, eh?
Sick people will do sick things. YOU can overcome, and do better than your example. You are here, open to sharing and learning, there in lies the answer to getting help and recovering. Keep taking those steps forward. You will win!
I agree fully with this. I’ve stayed away but kept in touch by phone. I recently visited them due to family illness. It’s taken me 3 days to recover for one 8 hour visit.
I went no-contact with my parents long ago. My father is already dead but I attended his funeral before I knew my patents were both narcissists. I've already decided that I will not attend her funeral when she dies. Some family members say, "...but she's your mother." It doesn't matter. She has no right to me.
One of my mother's favorite things was to tell us about how parents in biblical times used to stone their children to death for disobeying. I guess she wanted us to feel grateful that we were "just" getting welts and bruises.
For a woman, my mother had some fucking balls to be preaching and singing all the time at church just to come home and be THE EXACT OPPOSITE of what they would like to be perceived as. Insanity. How does your psyche recover from that?
I was constantly raised being told spare the rod spoil the child.. When I was little she would have me go outside and find the greenest most flexible switch I could find and use it on me. She would threaten me and say if it's not green enough you will get it twice as hard. Sometimes in her fit of rage she would just physically unleash with her fist and hands. She would go into a rage. Physically and verbally. You could never disagree with my mother or question her, if you did you would pay the price. She is a narcissistic bully who always plays victim. She cherry picks through the Bible and tries to manipulate you and justify her own behavior. She would always say, it hurt me worse than it did you. She never apologized for anything. She would only justify her behavior. No one ever knew the truth. I was too afraid to speak up because I knew the repercussions. Her last physical assault on me was when I was 49. Afterwards, I finally cut ties with her. I have spent my entire life walking on eggshells. I suffer from autoimmune disease and extreme anxiety. My relationships suffer. I am mentally on guard 24/7 and struggle with trust. I suffer with horrible anxiety & have tried to downplay and cover it up my whole life. I feel broken.
Sick people will do sick things. YOU can overcome, and do better than your example. You are here, open to sharing and learning, there in lies the answer to getting help and recovering. Keep taking those steps forward. You will win!
Thank you all so much! I’m no contact but money from an inheritance was taken by narc mom. I’m not sure whether to pursue legal action or move on, because I’m sure she wants a battle. Best wishes to everyone dealing with one of these nightmare people! ❤️
My dad use to always say "You don't have to like me, but you will respect me" My response was always "What's there to respect?"...... He never had an answer.
I recently found out that the next part of that in the bible is a bit about "parents, do not drive your children to anger." Funny how they never seem to acknowledge that.
To honor someone means to “regard them with great respect”. Respect means “a feeling of deep admiration for someone as a result of their abilities, qualities or achievements”. It is not possible to honor or respect abusive behavior or cruelty, especially inflicted on children. “Accepting someone’s right to exist as a narcissist “ cannot mean accepting their right to perpetuate abuse on the vulnerable. You do not “owe” any abuser honor or respect-even a parent.
What a timely video. I recently went No Contact with my narc mother. I had become her personal slave as she's dealing with a chronic health condition and has become child-like. She kept telling me I owed her, it's payback time and I was her responsibility to look after and she's refused any external help. Her demands and mistreatment, public put-downs and insults were beginning to affect my health and I had to say No. I finally told her I owe her nothing. I have been on my own since I was 16, never taken a dime from her. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, I'm the type of person who helps everyone at the drop of a hat, why wouldn't I help my own mother? I'm laden with guilt for what I've done but it came down to either looking after her or me, and for the first time in my life, I put myself first. I'm starting to honor myself. I'm still deeply angered and hurt by decades of being the scapegoat and her final words were to put God's curse on me. She cut me out of her will, against my late father's wishes. It's been super painful. I want to break the family cycle of abuse and have started your group program. Looking forward to the coaching call this weekend. Thank you Jerry for your videos and I'm so grateful I found your channel when I needed it the most.
The key to your post was - refusing all outside help. This is what should free you most from your guilt. My dad wanted me to be the only one taking care of mom (Alzheimers). They are a clout chasing narc duo who put money and reputation with friends above my wellbeing as a child. And I would have helped him a normal amount but he's a narc and I'm his scapegoat so he wanted me to do everything. Even though he can afford it. It's the last act of the elderly narc. They want to drain you fully before they go. If they have money they'll let you be the only help at their end but leave the money to your GC sibling. You are worthy and deserving to be the focus of all of your efforts and attention sometimes. I'd never leave my parents to rot in the streets but I also don't owe them destroying my life for their entertainment.
@@amberinthemist7912 Thank you for sharing your experience. I can very much relate to what you shared. This whole thing of being cursed by my narc mom, that I'll have to endure the wrath of God is hard to shake off, but I'm trying my best. On the surface, I have abandoned her. But then I tell myself, she abandoned me my entire life not being present as a mother and never cared two hoots about my needs as her child. She's said cruel things no one says to a child. And you're right, it's cheap entertainment for them to take shots at me. They gloat when I'm physically unwell or suffering emotionally. My enabler late dad did the dirty work for my mom and now my GC sibling/crazy flying monkey has amped it up. I'm done.
@karensibal3314 Remember, your mother is a sick woman. She doesn't speak for God. If she were mentally healthy, she'd understand that. You asserted a boundary she found intolerable. She wanted to hurt you one last time by saying something cruel. Pray for her, and turn her over to God. It's time for you to focus on your needs, and your healing.
I'm SO glad I'm 3 hours away from my Mom. She has 5 of her FAVORITE children nearby and she won't miss me one bit if she needed caretaking. My oldest sister said she'd take her in if needed!!! Yes!!! There IS A GOD!!! 🙏
Dealing with a narcissist is like being handed a complex puzzle with missing pieces - the picture is never quite complete, and the frustration is in trying to make sense of the gaps.
I didnt see it as hating, blaming and shaming. I saw it as establishing boundaries, drawing lines in the sand and pushing back. But they DID see that as hating, blaming and shaming and anger issues.
My mom twisted "Honor your father and your mother that your days may be long upon the Earth" to tell me that if I disobeyed her, God would kill me young and burn me for eternity. This manipulation started when I was 4 and continued until I corrected her at about 40.(And I've just realized she was misquoting the verse all along.) 😂
Hello Jerry, such great timing on this lesson. My elderly narc. mom just hit me over the head with the "honor your father and mother " thing last week on the phone. Only 2 minutes into conversation when she did this. I am 66 years old!! yes, 66. To be continually talked to like I am 12 and living in her home as a child has been so upsetting for me, and she is still blaming and shaming my siblings, too. I agree with what you said. You're right she is a deeply flawed person, and I always have that in my head when I have to talk to her. I just wish this relationship would end, and she would leave me alone. Thank you for sharing this excellent timely video.
I chose to demonise my family only in a therapy room and in my journal. I knew that if I acted with dignity and integrity I wouldn't feel shame (I had enough of that already). I have been no-contact for 20 years.
It was suggested to me that honoring my parent can merely be not trashing them in public for their bullying behavior. My mother is Darth Vader and I honor her by walking away with no ire in my heart. But I still walk away from dark side.
Happy to honour my mother and father by being nothing like them, and using their flaws and the pain it caused me to be a more empathetic, better person.
Thank you Jerry for your analogy of Darth Vader parents. That hit the nail on the head. I agree that we can't follow normal societal expectations when dealing with toxic people who refuse to even see the need to change.
I respected them till they died, But since that time that i5 came to light about narcissism and how they scapegoated me , I cannot respect them in my heart any more.
I went to No Contact with the Birthing Vessel and the Nut Sack. I asked my adult children to block them as well. The last straw, I was told I was no longer welcome at their house. They’ve spent time getting rid of me. I refer to it as a “Live Abortion.” I got angry over Christmas when the Birthing Vessel went behind my back and gave something to my kids. I didn't take anything away, but I didn’t appreciate her going behind my back and reaching out to MY family. It’s not that I don’t honor them, I just don’t acknowledge them anymore.
You can certainly express your feelings to your family regarding your parents and the troubled relationship you had with them. I would contend that it's rather narcissistic of you to demand that they cut them out of their lives. They need to be the ones to determine who and who not to have contact with. It's unreasonable of you not to understand that. Your children are adults and should be able to make their own decisions.
@@Miniver765 I agree with this - I have friends some of my other friends won’t speak to for various reasons, I understand their position but I don’t choose which friendships to maintain based on what would make everyone else comfortable.
@@ShintogaDeathAngel That's the most mature and emotionally responsible course to take. It's up to people to choose for themselves which relationships they maintain.
I agree. I think that he is the only one that I encountered on this platform who truly understands this particular problem and knows how to present it in precise and concise manner.
I'm so thankful for this. My beast of a mother was diagnosed with a disorder back in the early 70s. Moms a self righteous covert narc ( with dementia) and dads grandiose ( Alzheimer's). My sister and I are their caregivers and I deeply regret it. I'm glad we're here, because we both now have closure. There will be no regrets and no guilt, when they go to a nursing home. They're despicable. I'm done.
When the parent commits crimes against the child, physical, mental and emotional abuse and then let others & family members physically abuse their child. I was the youngest of four, she never let me forget that I was a mistake at 17 years old I left, her mistake was gone. When I returned with my own at 20 she then preceded to abuse them also, it only took once and I never looked back, until I had a break down and realized how bad the abuse really was. She should have went to prison for the crimes she committed against me, so much trauma it took me 40 years to remember it. Its hard to let go of the anger knowing now 40 years later at the end her life, she choses to still believe she was good and I was bad. As punishment for truth telling she gave the inheritance that my father left for her to take of me, (he died when I was eight) to the so called golden child, older sister who was not abused because she was older when he died. The Pathological self absorbed psychopath needs to be forgotten. !!!
what a great video. this is a graduate video, and many recovering people will appreciate it later in their recovery. Letting them go requires that we no longer need them to define us.
Just paused to let you know how powerful it is that you spoke of broken parent, raising us. When that is revealed to us, man oh man, the healing floods in. Grace, mercy, forgiveness. Honor is a good thing. 🙏👍✌
Jerry, thank you so much for what you do. I found your channel yesterday. I have been a victim of narcissistic abuse by my mother and my enabler father. I’m so frustrated and don’t understand why he never stood up for me when my mother was berating, belittling, and bullying me. I believe he has a lot of her same traits. Possibly because she is so good at breaking people’s spirits down and manipulating them with mind games. She has brain washed him and destroyed all of his self esteem and decision making ability. She has guilted him into giving up all control. It’s not normal. She won’t even let him choose his own clothes to wear when going out. She treats him like a child. She has a way of saying things that cut a person to the bone. He made the decision to love her unconditionally . Regardless of how out of control she gets. I truly believe he made the decision to allow the abuse to continue just so he won’t have to deal with her rage. I’m embarrassed to admit it but it took me decades to fully realize what was happening. I grew up wanting unconditional love from my parents so desperately that I didn’t question the bad behavior. It was just normal to me because it started when I was a small child. It’s all I ever knew and was so used to it that I didn’t question it. I began to believe there was something wrong with me because of the gaslighting and mind games. Looking back I realize that it has deeply affected my life. I constantly chose toxic relationships without even realizing that they were. My mother never taught me a thing except to be in constant fear. Walking on eggshells. I’m afraid that I may never fully recover. It has affected all my relationships and my sense of self worth and self esteem. I’m still having a hard time accepting it because I was taught to honor and love thy mother and father. They give me absolutely no respect and tell me that because they created me they deserve absolute respect and unwavering admiration and servitude without question. If I express my own thoughts and feelings they are totally invalidated. It is so difficult to accept that they have such a low regard for me. Your videos have allowed me to see the truth. It’s scary and life changing but you have really helped me to take steps to overcome it. I am learning more about it everyday. Thank you my friend!
“He made the decision to love her unconditionally.” That thinking right there by your father only served to perpetuate your mothers abuse. Unconditional love is horribly used in a most damaging way. I hope you heal and move forward!
My brother and I like to say, "water is wet, the sky is blue, mom is narcissistic." She just doesn't know any other way to be. I also believe that she did the best she could as a wife and as a parent with the skills and support she had and lacked. But she really never should have married or had children. That was the societal expectation in those days, and it was much more difficult to opt out back then.
I just found your channel last night and have binge watched all your narcissistic family vids, and wow. I had never heard my family described so vividly. Thank you for giving me the language and ability to understand why my childhood was so upsetting, and why i feel the effects even now.
Thank you for doing this video, it’s hard to be truthful about a narc mom because so many people in the Bible belt focus on this Bible verse (especially using it for the mother’s side). It’s more culturally appropriate to have a narc dad not a narc mom. Lots of good points. Good reminder to not focus on blame. I think it’s important to acknowledge & take responsibility for our feelings (anger/disappointment) on being raised by a narc parent , but not focus and marinate on them. Let them go & move on.
Thank you very much. I agree that it is fair to 'e) Let them endure the consequences of their unwellness' as much as we can. I think this is the same as 'giving them some chance to repent, or feel sorry for themselves' if they can. God Bless.
I had always been a somewhat meek child but I remember really catching it when my mother once said, ”I demand respect”. And I responded with “respect is earned. .. Wrong answer.
I went no contact going on 4 years now. It’s been the best decision I ever made. Part of my decision to go no contact was caused by an intense spiritual awakening. This awakening centered on self love. When I began to love myself through this experience, my eyes shifted. Self love means not putting yourself in abusive situations, regardless of who the abuser is. Now I love my neighbor as myself! I simply love from a distance. I’m not saying it’s an easy road. Because through the process of self exploration many uglies(emotions) will appear. Face them stoically. With great care and gentleness towards yourselves. We need to become the Self that was not fostered by our parents. The healthy, heart centered self. May you all be blessed with optimal self ❤love🙏
Worst advice I ever got was to honor thy father and mother . They dragged me down their financial black hole ( bad financial behavior) and it set me back years of financial earnings. Sure honor they father and mother but your mom and dad HAVE to be honorable people.
It is to honor them for giving life, it does not say one need love or like them. A detached respect covers the commandment. It is about not bashing one's parents to everyone we know, not throwing in their face every shortfall, not embarrassing them in public. If a parent uses the commandment to guilt their kids, they are going against the G-d who wrote the commandment. Forcing any behavior goes against the most important concept of free will. Do not be guilted into any action.
I will preface this by acknowledging that this is just my opinion and where I'm at in my healing journey. With that said hatred is quite literally our emotional immune system, it is God given and very much meant to serve a purpose. The reality is that these "people" are bottomless pits and no matter how much of ourselves we pour into them will ever make an impact on filling the pieces missing. I'm ok with not forgiving, i can certainly understand that they had a shitty childhood and that lead to their character flaws, but I'm in no way obligated to forgive the damage they have committed on both me and other people in their lives
I remember my alcoholic mother telling me, " Don't marry a man like your daddy! Marry a rich man with a dead mother." Yep. She instilled those words in me as a young girl, and i married and dated abusers after another.
While my father is now deceased, but it would apply to him: I can honor my parents best by staying away from them. Neither had changed after almost 30 years away from them. No contact means no conflicts.
Thank you for this video! I honor her by not speaking ill of her to other family members. My brother still has contact, so be it. We each respect the other's position. My cousin didn't understand. I just told her she didn't live it. No details. It wasn't until she was the target of some attempted enabler grooming that she got it. Not that it worked, she was 20-something.
Thank you so much for this video. I really needed to hear this. I have been struggling with this issue for years. My parents are deceased and they were both narcissists, and raise a sociopathic older sibling. I have been very angry and resentful over the abuse, neglect, and abandonment but I need to start taking steps to heal. I feel like I have been held hostage by these feelings for decades. I want to be free. I will follow your advice.
I suggest breaking ties may be the best way of honoring destructive parents. Like taking a bottle away from an alcoholic. Perhaps the behavior will continue but you're one less enabler in their lives.
I struggled with that for decades and ended up tolerating contemptuous treatment. I did not honour myself, but God wants us to hold on to our self respect as well. I didn't know what was wrong and had poor personal boundaries with relatives.
Thank you for saying that acknowledging our parents for who they are, breaking free of enmeshment, and setting boundaries (including no-contacr), IS honoring my parents.
years ago my then 10 year old child asked this question to our wise Episcopal priest. He said ‘you’re right- there is sin here, but it is not your sin, it is your father’s sin!” He said ‘Sin is what separates us from the love of God, your father’s behavior is separating you from God” He also said, ‘you are honoring your father - by expecting / wanting more from him’
@@adimeter the priest was saying that her instinct that there was sin involved was correct. But it was not her sin. Rather it was her father’s. Also the priest said she was honoring her father already in the best way possible given her father’s bad behavior. ( threatening to kill me and expecting her to be grateful for my death. Also other abuse and meglect)
I remember seeing my parents as broken at the age of 7. I actually described my dad as an open wound. Trouble is I had too much compassion for them my whole life. Mercy, grace forgiveness understanding. They took advantage of my sweet nature and have hurt me indescribably over the years. It took me finally getting angry when they hurt my daughters to go no contact.
This is my folks, one is covert about it and the other one is sly about it. The best thing that I've done was accept them for who they are, break the enmeshment and move along alone. Ive realized that I have had dream slayers and perpetrators in the form of parents and sibling.
Wow, what a good layout of the options in the narcissistic situation. This is helping me in my breakthrough. My parents always told me not to be angry, not to go sulking. I guess it's okay now to feel like a human being. Bravo
One of my boundaries with my narcissistic mother was refusing to drive very far with her. 😂 Even my siblings couldn’t understand it. However, when Mom went to assisted living I was able to make sure she was cared for, take her to doctor’s appointments and meet the paramedics when she fell in the middle of the night. I couldn’t love her but I honored her in that way even though I’m not religious.
Thank you Jerry, I honestly luv you for this message. We really needed to hear this, all of us who found ourselves in this trap. Though I've always been good with words, it was hard to properly communicate my situation. I was a ball of frustration, confusion, fear, and anger, then defiance joined the choir. Whenever I tried to reach out, people would respond with things like, "Why do you hate your mother?" Which was always like a slap in the face. Never hated anyone, much less my own parents. 40 of my 50 years I just needed a listening ear or a sounding board, or some decent advice. Anything helpful! So late in coming that all 4 (2 natural and 2 step) of my parents are dead now, and I have moved on, but still dealing with the metric ton of emotional luggage the abuse(s) created. (Sick family and the poor society responses) Still, I find both value and comfort in this assessment. Amazing work you are doing, here. Anyone here dealing with CPTSD, good help can be found at youtube/crappy childhood fairy. Also, youtube/Doctor Ramani is another great channel. Thanks again Jerry for taking the time to word this monstrous reality in a constructive way for us all.
Thank you for clarifying and differentiating between judging blaming and shaming as opposed to confronting and speaking the truth when necessary. I’ve had to endure this exact scenario for all my life. It is very taxing and when the ‘guilt’ emotion is invariably invoked in fear of not fulfilling the commandment of honouring thy father correctly, the guilt can literally eat you up alive. And then there is the tormenting question of ‘am I still in God’s good books?’. Parents are not entitled to bring their child to wrath and then demand honour. That is akin to ‘placing a stumbling block before a blind person’. Honour is earned and that is called respect. Acknowledging who they are setting healthy boundaries is the only way. 🙏🙏🙏
I found this exceptionally helpful. Esp not using societal norms in relating to abusive parents, but to accept that they were broken. My adoptive parents were excellent providers and from the outside it appeared I had everything.What I didn't have were parents who would have my back. I couldn't confide in them at all. If I was worried, afraid or upset about anything I'd just better fix my attitude. I never heard " it will be alright". There were no hugs or comfort. They didn't say "I'm proud of you" or " I love you". I can accept that they were broken and had no idea how to be truly loving and supportive to me or to each other. I am grateful every day that I was able to do things differently with my own children. I married a man from a loving demonstrative family who were a big part of my healing. They treated me with such kindness respect and love. My parents showed me what I didn't want to become.
I think a good question to ask is: What does it mean to honor someone? I came to understand that to honor my mother was to do what was best for her - what was best for her soul. Allowing her to abuse me only injured her soul all the more. When I started to regulate the way we interacted and the amount of time we were together the abuse slowed and finally stopped. And there was a bonus to it - she didn't abuse my sisters as much either. It's like walking a tightrope; finding the right balance.
Honor your mother and father for giving birth and for the good things in your childhood. Leave judgment to God. Woe to those who hurt children! God bless you and bring you to wise decisions.
Thank you for this! I am 63 years old and grew up with parents like this. I was messed up emotionally for years. It caused problems in my marriage. My mother actually said that to me, "Honor your mother and father," to lay a guilt trip on me. I finally let go not too long ago. Both my parents are in their 80s now, and both sick. I still talk to them, knowing now that they are both dysfunctional. I visit my mother in the nursing home. But even in their 80s they are still demanding with a lack of humility. Being sick still hasn't humbled them. But I've moved on, and have inner peace as a result. My husband and I have been married for over 40 years now and have a good relationship. He also grew up in dysfunctional family. We learned to forgive and let go together. This is what true forgiveness is, to let go and move on with your life. It is for your own mental and spiritual health.
The Good Lord taught me to honor thier position in my life not their sins. I honor their title as Mother and Father but not their actions. Took the load off. This helped me keep that distance. So instead of trashing them to make me feel better when asked about them I say that They taught me how to treat people and they taught me how to be a loving selfless Mother. For this I am truely greatful
❤ great topic, Jerry! I recently reached out to my brother (who abruptly ceased contact with me for unknown reasons in 2019). My brother triangulated my father in (who I haven’t seen or talked to in years. He left when I was 16- a few decades ago). This occurred after I shared with my brother my renewal of Christian faith. My father expressed interest in conversation with me and when I asked him a few questions (via email) about the past, he never answered the long email I sent. His relationship with my very narcissistic mother was tumultuous. She was physically abusive towards her children and him. I concluded those memories of that time period are still unhealed and fresh in him. The ‘bridging’ I hoped might occur between him and I will not occur as he ignored my conversation. I’ve accepted he doesn’t really want a relationship with me as he only asked if he could send his religious writings to me so we could discuss them- never mind he never asked what I’ve been up to in 30 odd years. It’s best that I understand he has never healed and may never. I am healing by understanding that fact.
I don't know you, but maybe your father would like to connect more lightly at first. You could be right that deep trauma is unhealed. He may not want to go deep into that.
I honoured my father who disowned me a good 2 decades before his death, by attending his funeral and enduring the who "He was a wonderful guy" comments. I honour my mother by not talking in a negative manner about her. I always tell the truth when my children ask questions and I make sure to talk about the good parts (because there were some good parts). I'm still working through the mess of my childhood and I'm never going back. I had "I am you MOTHER" too many times, even when she turned up at the funeral of my good friend and bridesmaid and in front of everyone she demanded we talk. My sister and I told her now wasn't the time, she ignored that and tried starting a conversation with me where I employed the grey rock technique. Now simply wasn't the time! I was willing to talk to her a month after I walked away but she wasn't willing so I am just leaving it be. She can now sob on the shoulder of my extended family members and have them tell me I have to go and see her, but I won't because I don't have to and my choice is to stay very much away from her and her way of "dealing" with me. Being brought up in a religious household, we girls were taught to be submissive to the older members of the family. Yet even in adulthood we never are on an equal footing and we still have to be submissive even when they want to take over raising your children. I choose differently. I choose to step away and live my life with my own family and have that precious opportunity to raise my children the way I want to raise them, in a loving home with two loving parents.
My mother once try to use that to get me to obey her, as an adult. I turned to her and I said, Jesus says if you're not willing to hate your even your own mother and father, you are not worthy of him. I told her straight out, he is my brother. God is my father. If you're not in the family, I don't want anything to do with you. She never responded back to that comment. In fact, that's her MO. To just stop responding. Wait until the next holiday rolls around, and then send a message of holiday cheer, as if last month the same thing didn't happen, just like it did the previous months.
@@SkyeSage17 What do you mean? There is no spiritual mother. It doesn't work like that. God created us. We did not come from two spiritual beings, male and female entities. Humans are male or female. God is neither. Not both.
@@JeremiahLOsborne Exactly what I said. Don't forget the female. .that's it. We are actually both male and female. One godhead, didn't want to go there. 🥴
@@JeremiahLOsborne Don't argue and search real TRUTH. Jesus is not truth, but a Roman distortion of His-tory. Hope u find the real Christ not Jesus. Bless you 💙
She was wrong. It’s in the Bible in John. Jesus gave a new commandment and that was simply to love one another. He said as I have loved you, so must you love one another.
I tried that. International calls and whatsapp calls are too cheap nowadays, and they traveled here several times. I do mean it. I'm on the opposite side of the planet. I may need to just ghost them.
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
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you can learn and share eft techniques with your audience FOR FREE, because if people just added tapping to that shaming and blaming that would turn this around as when we tap we are literally calming our brain and self down while externalizing the problem and then a natural cognitive shift happens as we are literally experiencing the event. Many people have no money at all and are literally barely surviving and they still need help. This won't take away from your clients and them coming to you, this is just going to help those who could not afford your services right now but with a little help they could turn their life around and then they will become your client when they need that help and can pay. Every soul we help, even a little, is a soul that is allowed to grow and then help another. Much Love~
Jesus forgave anyone that asked for it an loved everyone regardless an stated for they don’t know.
I hope to join this program later this year. You are truly Wise 😌
Thank you, I needed this one too because I have been thinking about whether it would be worth "honoring" my parents despite that I don't care emotionally about them anymore. My concern is mostly the triangulation issue, you see Dr. Wise, I'm from a different culture so in Africa, not honoring your parents can be quite a spectacle so thank you for this video. This is very freeing Mr. Wise. This made me wiser.
😎Thanks Jerry, your videos are like therapy for me.Every video I watch, I feel like my healing has started.
Especially when you mentioned the Bible part, about honoring your mother and father.But it's hard when they act like Dark Vader, that really hit home for me respectfully.
Many people don't realize that 'honouring' one's parents does not mean tolerating crappy behaviour.
💯✌️👌👍😊 Perfectly put!!
That’s just it. I wonder how to do it. Is it that I paid to keep heat in her house? Paid her other children’s rent, time and again? But do I negate that when I tell people she was an abusive narc?
Does crappy behaviour include constantly complaining about seemingly every little thing? Yes, this is an honest question.
@collegerebel it definitely does but also includes lying, being passive aggresive, spreading rumors to friends and family, guilt tripping, mocking and being physically abusive as well
Or obedience!
Honor parents who honor the children. Do not honor abusive parents.
My narcissistic parents victim-blamed me for being raped by a male shipmate when deployed to Iraq and covered up with a bad paper discharge when I attempted to report it, after they talked me into enlistment on 9/11. They stopped talking to me a decade ago, when my wife's family saved me from suicidal ideation. I was their only heir when they abandoned me, so I abandoned my role to honor their name, and took my wife's maiden name in marriage.
PERIOD! Isn’t there a verse saying that parents shouldn’t lead children to wrath? I think they skip over that part 😂
@LyssieLysse I understand where you're coming from. Some days I feel the same but ultimately I don't think two wrongs make a right. They'll be held accountable for leading their children to wrath, while you will be held accountable for dishonoring them. I guess just try to keep the peace? Don't raise your voice or curse at them or about them is a good place to start. When they tempt you to sin through anger, dishonoring them, or any other sin, it's time to leave.
I am so sorry that happened to you! I am glad you have a loving wife to help you!!!! @@ChrisTopherBunnell
My parents means absolutely nothing to me anymore.
I honor my monster parents by staying as far away from them as I can, and not passing on the rage attacks to the next generations. At least as best I can.
I understand exactly this. This is why I keep my distance and engage in therapy.
I did the same brother..No regrets
Me
I posted this but I don't agree with everything he say .it's a different opinion
YEP! What could be more honoring than letting them live their lives exactly the way they want to? They are free from the burning light of Jesus that lives inside me and angers them so much.
Trying to honor my mother kept me trapped for years. Once I understood that our relationship dynamic was idolatry, on my part, I had a much easier time letting go. ✌🏼
Idolatry! What a way to look at it! Thank you ❤️
YEPPERS!!!!!!! And they Seemed to PURPOSELY choose to OPPOSE GOD in almost ALL POINTS! Just messing with me, to have me constantly having to choose between their wishes and THE WORD OF GOD! the enemy loves parents/people who submit to being used like this. they do seem to get some earthly respect & rewards. they'll LIE, and RECRUIT & turn everyone against you. U won't even know what's going on- you'll be too tired trying to fulfil their ever- expanding, ever-changing "wishes". it's actually a perfectly "crafted" campaign to Kill, Steal, Destroy and Waste (YOUR GOD-GIVEN LIFE) driven by someone/ something THAT ABSOLUTELY ABHORS GOD BECAUSE THEY DEMAND TO BE GOD in Your LIFE without HONORING HIM in theirs. 😢 PRAISE GOD FOR JESUS!!!
This!!! 💯
@kingdomoverculture.. ...
Very well said!
That's so insightful! Thank you
Living in the buckle of the Bible belt, I can attest this ideology is leaned on heavily. Furthermore, being a child of narcissistic parents and being raised in the Baptist church, this was extensively used in abusive ways. If I simply said something my mother didn't agree with, I wasn't honoring/respecting her. And, of course, her views and opinions were like the wind, making it impossible to keep up with. Although, I think the real deal is that she would simply make her position contrary to mine for whatever reason.
I went no-contact 3-4 years ago with my mother. And, I was estranged from my father for 20 someodd years prior to his death. This was before I knew exactly what narcissism was. I simply got tired of his abusiveness and watching him swindle myself and others. People come at me often with, "You need to let go of all the hate" business. I can't say I ever felt hate. I feel anger at my mom because she fits the venerable narcissist type and I was played by her far more emotionally than with my overt father. But, mostly I feel ripped off. How can parents, especially mothers, take their child's life away from them? My mother feels she completed her obligation by feeding and clothing.
Narcissist parents with religious backgrounds raise their children to serve. Perhaps not by design, but it happens nonetheless. My parents gave us life. Never taught us how to live. Never taught us how to love. I have a difficult time thinking I myself am narcissistic because for 54 years I have put others first. I think if you don't take on the highly narcissistic traits, you become the world's servant.
I relate to what you said in your comment. In the Bible Belt this verse is used so many times as a manipulation tactic. Yes, being raised by Narc parents as the children we develop narcissistic traits or caretaker traits. It sounds like you have the caretaker traits. You might really enjoy looking into Inner Bonding by Margret Paul. Changed my life.
Farming people also use kids as slaves. My family was Baptist, farmers, and the cycle of abuse goes back multiple generations. Huge mess we have in our society, thankfully real solutions are getting found and practiced and shared.
Am also over 50 yrs old. Had depression. Dealt with it. Now dealing with CPTSD from all the abuse. Don't think becoming the abusive person is an answer. You may also need some CPTSD help, as simple healthy boundaries are likely the better choice for moving forward. Check youtube/crappy childhood fairy. Giving up is not an option, friend.
@@jankate88 in this case it's a pretty nefarious manipulation tactic. "You're disagreeing with God!". Nope, I am not disagreeing with God; I do not think that's what God means or wants.
"My mother feels she completed her obligation by feeding and clothing." - Yes, provided physical needs only is not being a parent. If they cannot also nurture, and guide lovingly, then they're not parents, having only sired offspring to allow the streets and the public schrool system to raise their children.
@@JonnyBadmoonyup! Exactly how I feel!
I find it best to honor them from a distance, lots of distance.
Honor thy parents means live in an honorable way. Don't bring shame to the family. It does not mean exhault and obey them at all cost.
The Bible also tells parents to respect their children.
Here's one verse
Ephesians 6:4: “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”
Nowhere in the Bible does it say to abuse your children.
Also the Bible says to avoid bad people and your enemies will be in your own family.
This sounds like the Bible is telling us to go no contact with abusive parents.
The lord is about love and teaching and not about anger and terror.
Psalm 50:16-23 is my favourite about this type of religious narc parents. 🙏
My narcissistic parents, never bought me a Bible & they both had their own Bibles & my mother told me I could not read or study her Bible!! What Christian parents don't buy Bibles for their kids & yet not allow them to use their Bibles??
Wow thanks for this opinion 🙏
@@RonSafreedI was 10, dusting the bookcase and discovered a Bible with my father's name in it. I sat down to look through it and my mother ripped it from my hands, slapped me across my face and told me I was never to read a Bible. When I professed Jesus as Lord - and never threw it in her face, but she learned from my brothers - she went nuclear. The silent treatment lasted for 26 years. She is now dead and it is good to be in this world without her. I knew nothing about her childhood but often wondered what made her so cold and mean. Now I know.
Honoring thy parent does not mean blind obedience, does not mean exposing yourself continually to someone's abusive or toxic behavior. Honoring may also mean you pray for your (persecutors, abusers or enemies) and creating distance to protect yourself and to prevent the abuser from further adding up more to their sins that could lead them to eternal damnation. I know that may sound too religious. But that is how I understand it.
Honor your father and mother by living the upright, moral and honorable life they would have wanted for you if they were well. Others will see your life and account it to your upbringing, thus giving honor to them.
*gag* I hate how true this really is, even tho they deserve such little credit for how great my life actually is depsite how hard they try to make it for me. It's a good response, regardless of what they do or dont do.
Exactly! I finally arrived at this conclusion, too. The life I lead is, by any REASONABLE person's standard, an honorable one. Not my fault if my parents are not reasonable people. It's like the original Disney Mulan movie where the little dragon is screaming about dishonoring one's house and ancestors. You can bring honor or dishonor upon your 'house' by your actions. In other words, you make your parents look good or you make them look bad by your behavior, even if no one knows who your parents are. Example: an admiring stranger may comment about you, "Your parents must be very proud of you." Even though you know that is not true and never will be because of your parents' disfunctions; you have nevertheless honored them by being honorable. My parents define honor as unquestioning lifelong submission and obedience. But they are wrong. That is not the definition of honor. That is the definition of oppression.
@@reneeruff513Once I got this kind of compliment from a French family (I am German) they told me I was by far not as bad as an average psychologists daughter would be expected to be. LOL 😄
I won several national academic and art awards, as well as academic scholarships to a university about 200 miles from home. When I asked my parents for more financial assistance, Mom derided my accomplishments and said, "[My son] has champagne taste on a beer budget!" She never once visited my college, never bothered to investigate what I was going through. I couldn't get financial aid -- my parents made too much money. Nearly starving to death leaves a bad taste in your mouth, so I gave up and never finished college.
I promulgated an air quality program for my home state that stuffed the extreme environmentalists _AND_ the energy interests, but I had to take an oath to not profit from it. The program sinuously affected the entire nation. and, naturally, Mom sarcastically asked, "Did you make any money off of it?!"
My first child was born deaf, and we decided he would received a cochlear implant. He was among the first to enter primary school with such an advanced device, which required a specific therapy regimen. Everything we instructed Mom to do, she did the opposite. And when I called her on it, she stormed away while yelling, "YOU DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHAT I THINK!"
One evening my family and I visited Mom and Dad. We walked into their living room, where I sat down in a large wooden chair, and both my kids immediately sat in my lap. We were laughing and chatting, tickling and hugging each other when Mom gave us very scornful look and yelled, "MY DADDY NEVER DID THAT WITH ME!!" and her right hand flew out of her lap and audibly slapped her mouth, covering it.
I argued for improving the design of the local interstate, in order to reduce the number of wrecks/deaths. The state agreed and did what I wanted. Mom said I didn't know what the heck I was talking about, never mind the accident and death rates plummeted.
I joined Mom's effort to break down the "brick walls" in her family genealogy that she'd encountered over the previous 30 years. After five years of research and traveling, I solved every one of the mysteries, then took Mom on a tour of her family's regions to show her how I proved she was right. A few days later I walked into her favorite bar to immediately hear her scoff, "My son's a weirdo -- he likes to hang out in cemeteries!"
Mom asked me to pursue justice against the fool who killed her husband, my father, in a car wreck. I developed the argument for a murder charge, and the prosecutor used it to set a precedent that has been upheld in courts all over the USA. After sentencing, the prosecutor publicly praised me and encouraged me to run for office. Mom repeatedly yelled out "It doesn't matter what he said in there, [my son] doesn't represent the family!"
Just a tiny glimpse into the 46 years I spent trying to win the love and approval of my mother, which was always met with contempt. To her very last days, she was "Miss Information, the Queen of Envy". The only way to honor her was to walk away and leave it up to her. She reciprocated by seeking supply as an abandoned parent, telling everyone "HE HATES ME!"
SMH!
This is a great way to put it.
Another toxic twist to this “honour your father/mother”, is they use it to justify why they expect you, the child in the relationship, to be and do better than them, the adults, all while staying submissive and inopiniated.
Honor thy Mother and Father, only IF they are honorable.
It is so narrow-minded of people to think that all parents deserve to be honored.
Exactly!! I would never give my father a "free card" to bring on more pain!
Mom deserves it, Dad doesn't( I have no contact with him!) I am an adult, 60. their divorce happened decades ago(thankfully!)
@@jackilynpyzocha662 I had always hoped my parent's would have divorced, like yours. They have been married 76 years. I have only stuck around for my mom. My best to you! 💝
So why listen.
Abusive people are not worthy of honor
He is right. Hating them hurts us, not them. It doesn't hurt them because they never cared in the first place, remember this! I finally let the hatred go but it took afew years. I finally feel released ❤
Live and forgive, but _NEVER_ forget!
Yep. My parents couldnt care less how i actually feel about them as long as I present as someone who loves them according to their definition of love. And even when im not presenting as loving, they will just rationalize and warp it into "oh youre just going through a personal thing that has absolutely nothing to do with us but youll eventually get over it and we can get back to normal"
When they did the hurt goes away and you feel FREE!!! It was an amazing feeling for me! Released from the devil! 👿
Yes, the freedom is wonderful.@@Juke582
They don't know I hate them, unless they figured out this is my youtube channel. But I still didn't get rid of it, and I know it harms me. 😢
My parents were faux religious . It only served their perceived social standing by attending church and then resort to the inevitable rage and scream fests that ensued after an hour in a pew by demonizing us for not making them look better when we were out in public . I always felt that my mother - a covert narc - considered herself my owner . She certainly thought she owned all my time at the very least . In my twenties I decided I no longer wanted any relationship with her . I felt that I no longer wanted to be 'dragging' her through life with me while screaming and raging at me about everything . Dropping her ended my relationship with all other family members who seemed to resent that I was dishonouring her as well as taking her target of entertainment away . We are the only ones that can help ourselves - NO ONE is coming to save us .
Amen, you honor them by having boundaries with them. I haven't talked to my mom in almost 3 years and counting, forgiving her on my end by going to God about it, and I am at peace. Praise God, He is good even when others are not.
Hallelujah!!!
Amen! That is exactly what I do, and it's been about 3 years for me as well. I am 57 now. I also pray for her.
Yeeees!! 🎯 Same!!
AS A Muslim background, it hurts me alot when flying monkeys say: honor your parents, because everything you have and everything positive in your life is because of them
What do you do then?
Man I seen that first hand with my ex wifes mom. And I mean toxic toxic ways.
I honor my parent by staying away and giving them no more opportunities to rack up offenses (lying, stealing, slandering, belittling, emotionally and physically assault) that they will need to answer for later.
It seems the less contact, the better they behave. When I was calling and visiting often, the verbal attacks became more brutal each time. Eventually, I got the message. My Mom wanted me to stay away. So I'm doing that now. It's better for both of us.
There is a reason some of us leave home……….and never look back.
Thank you for this. I believed I was honoring my mother when I went no contact. I honored in the way that I wasn't going to be mean or cruel to her, though she was that way to me. Going no contact is the only way I could escape and not be mean to her. I feel better comforted in my decision.
I went no contact with my mom, after being her caregiver for 14 yrs. with my dad, also a narcissist and of those 14 yrs. was her exclusive caregiver for 5 yrs before she went into assisted living. She passed away two yrs. ago this past Dec with pneumonia and was septic from a chronic bladder infection. Her death happened at the height of covid so we were not allowed into the hospital, she died alone. She was not a mother in the real sense of the word, because she was not motherly in the slightest. My dad was an alcoholic throughout my childhood and to keep him from beating on her she would lie to him and place the blame on my brother and myself, they we'd get a beating. I've forgiven them both, more so for my sake, sadly my brother has been a drug addict and also narcissist since he was a teen, not in his ealry 50's. There was relief felt when mom passed but now my dad and brother are making me, the truth teller the scapegoat. I've simply had enough vicious things said to me and about me, more so from my brother but my dad seems to agree because he never confronted him. I've gone no contact with my brother and have very limited contact with my dad and his covert narcissist girlfriend. I'm working on healing myself and finding my real identity, for most of my almost 59 yrs I've been the people pleaser, care giver and I'm finding there is so much more to life away from the ill people.
I feel the same exact way. Instead of choosing to call her out on her toxic insecurities that she operates on and insisting that she change for the sake of making me more comfortable, I chose to tell her that the way she lives her life is her choice and her right, but it isnt compatible with how I live my life and so its best that I take distance. In a way I feel like I'm honoring her more than the enablers in her life do, or at least in a different way from them.
Good choice!
I'm early 30s. Whenever I was around her (mother) I realised that my immune system was fighting itself and shutting down. She always compared me to relatives. Constant beatings from her & shouting when I was a child. All i saw was a scary being that could hit me any time. My anxiety constantly sky high. I was suicid*l for years. She was so desperate she married 3 times to all abusive men. She let pervert men be around me. Police were always at the house. Constant attitude and jealousy from her when I became an adult because I've made better choices and started giving her advice. She always compared me to other relatives. She never let me have boundaries. She turned relatives against me. Always playing victim. She always thought she was right saying 'The bible says honour mother'. I told her that's all crap & respect must be earned. I cut her & the relatives off, went no contact over a year ago and my mind and body are finally healing & my life is getting better, is more peaceful & exciting. I'm so proud of myself ✨
I'm proud of you too. Well done!
Yes. My Mom gave me regular beatings most days. And she got my Dad to beat me most days too. She attacked my weight and made me depressed and suicidal too as a teen. When I became an adult, I confronted her about it, but got no memory recall or apology . So now I'm very low contact by phone and it's been 6 years since I've seen her in person. She's got her other 6 perfect kids to see all the time.
I'm proud of you too.
My priest says that you honor them with your life, not with pretending they were great nurturing parents. In healing and becoming a more functional, reasonably happy contributor to society, I fulfil the commandment.
Are you Catholic? I recently converted to Catholicism and my parents are cradle Catholics who left the faith and raised me in a cult. I recently had to go No Contact with them. My mom is a covert narcissist. I think it is an evil spirit that influences them in this way.
@@praytherosary7086 I'm Orthodox; my parents were nondenominational Protestants. I agree with you that there is a clear demonic influence in our world in general. 🙏
Once I accepted that my parents wish I had never been born, all the harm and neglect from birth made sense. I honor them by giving them what they wanted in the first place, to not have me in their lives. By letting them go I set myself free.
Yes! After realizing Mom had never called, never visited over the 28 years since I first left home, never actively participated in my children's lives, always attacked with "IT'S MY TIME!!" when I made a suggestion how she could spend time with any of her progeny, and relentlessly publicly and privately shamed me for 46 years, I finally honored her by walking away: I simply left it up to her to demonstrate that she wanted a relationship. She answered by playing the abandonment victim, and seeking supply from her "friends" and golden children, but she refused to communicate with me or her four other scapegoat children -- probably because she was afraid of being confronted with the truth about her pathological behavior.
Ironically, one of her golden children refused to stay away when he and his family had COVID. The other golden child said, "They were all over her". Both Mom and the other golden child got sick, both were gravely ill from it, and Mom eventually died as the perpetrator attempted to keep it a secret from the rest of us. What a family, what a legacy, eh?
Sick people will do sick things. YOU can overcome, and do better than your example. You are here, open to sharing and learning, there in lies the answer to getting help and recovering. Keep taking those steps forward. You will win!
Yes, my remaining family is very toxic and I cannot bear their company....so have to keep to a minimum
I agree fully with this. I’ve stayed away but kept in touch by phone. I recently visited them due to family illness. It’s taken me 3 days to recover for one 8 hour visit.
@@DrMoorehen Me too. My remaining (small) family is toxic and full of hatred and guile. NC for me, or I'll continue to be eaten alive.
I went no-contact with my parents long ago. My father is already dead but I attended his funeral before I knew my patents were both narcissists. I've already decided that I will not attend her funeral when she dies.
Some family members say, "...but she's your mother." It doesn't matter. She has no right to me.
One of my mother's favorite things was to tell us about how parents in biblical times used to stone their children to death for disobeying. I guess she wanted us to feel grateful that we were "just" getting welts and bruises.
Oh wow. Ludicrous.
For a woman, my mother had some fucking balls to be preaching and singing all the time at church just to come home and be THE EXACT OPPOSITE of what they would like to be perceived as. Insanity. How does your psyche recover from that?
I was constantly raised being told spare the rod spoil the child.. When I was little she would have me go outside and find the greenest most flexible switch I could find and use it on me. She would threaten me and say if it's not green enough you will get it twice as hard. Sometimes in her fit of rage she would just physically unleash with her fist and hands. She would go into a rage. Physically and verbally. You could never disagree with my mother or question her, if you did you would pay the price. She is a narcissistic bully who always plays victim. She cherry picks through the Bible and tries to manipulate you and justify her own behavior. She would always say, it hurt me worse than it did you. She never apologized for anything. She would only justify her behavior. No one ever knew the truth. I was too afraid to speak up because I knew the repercussions. Her last physical assault on me was when I was 49. Afterwards, I finally cut ties with her. I have spent my entire life walking on eggshells. I suffer from autoimmune disease and extreme anxiety. My relationships suffer. I am mentally on guard 24/7 and struggle with trust. I suffer with horrible anxiety & have tried to downplay and cover it up my whole life. I feel broken.
You have to be honorable...in order to be honored.
Exactly.
Maybe but the Bible doesn’t say “if they are honorable” it just says to honor them
Thank you for your work. My narc parent is a vindictive bully so I’m always afraid of sabotage. It’s hard to find peace.
Get out of the family unit!
You cannot heal when you are still drinking the poison
Go no contact
Sick people will do sick things. YOU can overcome, and do better than your example. You are here, open to sharing and learning, there in lies the answer to getting help and recovering. Keep taking those steps forward. You will win!
yep mine is a pure monster
Thank you all so much! I’m no contact but money from an inheritance was taken by narc mom. I’m not sure whether to pursue legal action or move on, because I’m sure she wants a battle.
Best wishes to everyone dealing with one of these nightmare people! ❤️
My dad use to always say "You don't have to like me, but you will respect me"
My response was always "What's there to respect?"...... He never had an answer.
And by "respect," he meant "obey."
I recently found out that the next part of that in the bible is a bit about "parents, do not drive your children to anger." Funny how they never seem to acknowledge that.
You have no idea how good this just made me feel. I didn’t even realize it said that ❤
It is so nice to hear a religiously trained person acknowledge the pain of parents that were against us.
Yes!! I couldn't agree more! 🙏🥲💖
Agreed!
To honor someone means to “regard them with great respect”. Respect means “a feeling of deep admiration for someone as a result of their abilities, qualities or achievements”. It is not possible to honor or respect abusive behavior or cruelty, especially inflicted on children. “Accepting someone’s right to exist as a narcissist “ cannot mean accepting their right to perpetuate abuse on the vulnerable. You do not “owe” any abuser honor or respect-even a parent.
What a timely video. I recently went No Contact with my narc mother. I had become her personal slave as she's dealing with a chronic health condition and has become child-like. She kept telling me I owed her, it's payback time and I was her responsibility to look after and she's refused any external help. Her demands and mistreatment, public put-downs and insults were beginning to affect my health and I had to say No. I finally told her I owe her nothing. I have been on my own since I was 16, never taken a dime from her. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, I'm the type of person who helps everyone at the drop of a hat, why wouldn't I help my own mother? I'm laden with guilt for what I've done but it came down to either looking after her or me, and for the first time in my life, I put myself first. I'm starting to honor myself. I'm still deeply angered and hurt by decades of being the scapegoat and her final words were to put God's curse on me. She cut me out of her will, against my late father's wishes. It's been super painful. I want to break the family cycle of abuse and have started your group program. Looking forward to the coaching call this weekend. Thank you Jerry for your videos and I'm so grateful I found your channel when I needed it the most.
The key to your post was - refusing all outside help.
This is what should free you most from your guilt.
My dad wanted me to be the only one taking care of mom (Alzheimers). They are a clout chasing narc duo who put money and reputation with friends above my wellbeing as a child. And I would have helped him a normal amount but he's a narc and I'm his scapegoat so he wanted me to do everything. Even though he can afford it. It's the last act of the elderly narc. They want to drain you fully before they go. If they have money they'll let you be the only help at their end but leave the money to your GC sibling.
You are worthy and deserving to be the focus of all of your efforts and attention sometimes. I'd never leave my parents to rot in the streets but I also don't owe them destroying my life for their entertainment.
@@amberinthemist7912 Thank you for sharing your experience. I can very much relate to what you shared. This whole thing of being cursed by my narc mom, that I'll have to endure the wrath of God is hard to shake off, but I'm trying my best. On the surface, I have abandoned her. But then I tell myself, she abandoned me my entire life not being present as a mother and never cared two hoots about my needs as her child. She's said cruel things no one says to a child. And you're right, it's cheap entertainment for them to take shots at me. They gloat when I'm physically unwell or suffering emotionally. My enabler late dad did the dirty work for my mom and now my GC sibling/crazy flying monkey has amped it up. I'm done.
@karensibal3314 Remember, your mother is a sick woman. She doesn't speak for God. If she were mentally healthy, she'd understand that. You asserted a boundary she found intolerable. She wanted to hurt you one last time by saying something cruel. Pray for her, and turn her over to God. It's time for you to focus on your needs, and your healing.
I'm SO glad I'm 3 hours away from my Mom. She has 5 of her FAVORITE children nearby and she won't miss me one bit if she needed caretaking. My oldest sister said she'd take her in if needed!!! Yes!!! There IS A GOD!!! 🙏
I think meditating might help with those needless guilt feelings. Look up Lisa A. Romano's meditation recordings.
Dealing with a narcissist is like being handed a complex puzzle with missing pieces - the picture is never quite complete, and the frustration is in trying to make sense of the gaps.
I didnt see it as hating, blaming and shaming. I saw it as establishing boundaries, drawing lines in the sand and pushing back. But they DID see that as hating, blaming and shaming and anger issues.
Respect is earned.. Not commanded..
I would honor my “mother” but she never was a mother to me.
She is not my mother.
My mom twisted "Honor your father and your mother that your days may be long upon the Earth" to tell me that if I disobeyed her, God would kill me young and burn me for eternity. This manipulation started when I was 4 and continued until I corrected her at about 40.(And I've just realized she was misquoting the verse all along.) 😂
Hello Jerry, such great timing on this lesson. My elderly narc. mom just hit me over the head with the "honor your father and mother " thing last week on the phone. Only 2 minutes into conversation when she did this. I am 66 years old!! yes, 66. To be continually talked to like I am 12 and living in her home as a child has been so upsetting for me, and she is still blaming and shaming my siblings, too. I agree with what you said. You're right she is a deeply flawed person, and I always have that in my head when I have to talk to her. I just wish this relationship would end, and she would leave me alone. Thank you for sharing this excellent timely video.
I chose to demonise my family only in a therapy room and in my journal. I knew that if I acted with dignity and integrity I wouldn't feel shame (I had enough of that already). I have been no-contact for 20 years.
It was suggested to me that honoring my parent can merely be not trashing them in public for their bullying behavior. My mother is Darth Vader and I honor her by walking away with no ire in my heart. But I still walk away from dark side.
🎯
Happy to honour my mother and father by being nothing like them, and using their flaws and the pain it caused me to be a more empathetic, better person.
Thank you Jerry for your analogy of Darth Vader parents. That hit the nail on the head.
I agree that we can't follow normal societal expectations when dealing with toxic people who refuse to even see the need to change.
I respected them till they died, But since that time that i5 came to light about narcissism and how they scapegoated me , I cannot respect them in my heart any more.
I went to No Contact with the Birthing Vessel and the Nut Sack.
I asked my adult children to block them as well.
The last straw, I was told I was no longer welcome at their house.
They’ve spent time getting rid of me. I refer to it as a “Live Abortion.”
I got angry over Christmas when the Birthing Vessel went behind my back and gave something to my kids.
I didn't take anything away, but I didn’t appreciate her going behind my back and reaching out to MY family.
It’s not that I don’t honor them, I just don’t acknowledge them anymore.
LOL😄Sure beats my "parental units" descriptor. Might use that myself. Hang in there you are on the right path.
You can certainly express your feelings to your family regarding your parents and the troubled relationship you had with them. I would contend that it's rather narcissistic of you to demand that they cut them out of their lives. They need to be the ones to determine who and who not to have contact with. It's unreasonable of you not to understand that. Your children are adults and should be able to make their own decisions.
Where do your children stand? Do they back you up?
@@Miniver765 I agree with this - I have friends some of my other friends won’t speak to for various reasons, I understand their position but I don’t choose which friendships to maintain based on what would make everyone else comfortable.
@@ShintogaDeathAngel That's the most mature and emotionally responsible course to take. It's up to people to choose for themselves which relationships they maintain.
Jerry Wise is one of the BEST on the internet..You can tell he has lived what he shares and teaches! Thank You, Jerry!
Wow, thank you!
I agree. I think that he is the only one that I encountered on this platform who truly understands this particular problem and knows how to present it in precise and concise manner.
I'm so thankful for this. My beast of a mother was diagnosed with a disorder back in the early 70s. Moms a self righteous covert narc ( with dementia) and dads grandiose ( Alzheimer's). My sister and I are their caregivers and I deeply regret it. I'm glad we're here, because we both now have closure. There will be no regrets and no guilt, when they go to a nursing home. They're despicable. I'm done.
When the parent commits crimes against the child, physical, mental and emotional abuse and then let others & family members physically abuse their child.
I was the youngest of four, she never let me forget that I was a mistake at 17 years old I left, her mistake was gone. When I returned with my own at 20 she then preceded to abuse them also, it only took once and I never looked back, until I had a break down and realized how bad the abuse really was. She should have went to prison for the crimes she committed against me, so much trauma it took me 40 years to remember it.
Its hard to let go of the anger knowing now 40 years later at the end her life, she choses to still believe she was good and I was bad. As punishment for truth telling she gave the inheritance that my father left for her to take of me, (he died when I was eight) to the so called golden child, older sister who was not abused because she was older when he died.
The Pathological self absorbed psychopath needs to be forgotten. !!!
what a great video. this is a graduate video, and many recovering people will appreciate it later in their recovery. Letting them go requires that we no longer need them to define us.
Just paused to let you know how powerful it is that you spoke of broken parent, raising us.
When that is revealed to us, man oh man, the healing floods in. Grace, mercy, forgiveness. Honor is a good thing.
🙏👍✌
Jerry, thank you so much for what you do. I found your channel yesterday. I have been a victim of narcissistic abuse by my mother and my enabler father. I’m so frustrated and don’t understand why he never stood up for me when my mother was berating, belittling, and bullying me. I believe he has a lot of her same traits. Possibly because she is so good at breaking people’s spirits down and manipulating them with mind games. She has brain washed him and destroyed all of his self esteem and decision making ability. She has guilted him into giving up all control. It’s not normal. She won’t even let him choose his own clothes to wear when going out. She treats him like a child. She has a way of saying things that cut a person to the bone. He made the decision to love her unconditionally . Regardless of how out of control she gets. I truly believe he made the decision to allow the abuse to continue just so he won’t have to deal with her rage. I’m embarrassed to admit it but it took me decades to fully realize what was happening. I grew up wanting unconditional love from my parents so desperately that I didn’t question the bad behavior. It was just normal to me because it started when I was a small child. It’s all I ever knew and was so used to it that I didn’t question it. I began to believe there was something wrong with me because of the gaslighting and mind games. Looking back I realize that it has deeply affected my life. I constantly chose toxic relationships without even realizing that they were. My mother never taught me a thing except to be in constant fear. Walking on eggshells. I’m afraid that I may never fully recover. It has affected all my relationships and my sense of self worth and self esteem. I’m still having a hard time accepting it because I was taught to honor and love thy mother and father. They give me absolutely no respect and tell me that because they created me they deserve absolute respect and unwavering admiration and servitude without question. If I express my own thoughts and feelings they are totally invalidated. It is so difficult to accept that they have such a low regard for me. Your videos have allowed me to see the truth. It’s scary and life changing but you have really helped me to take steps to overcome it. I am learning more about it everyday. Thank you my friend!
“He made the decision to love her unconditionally.” That thinking right there by your father only served to perpetuate your mothers abuse. Unconditional love is horribly used in a most damaging way. I hope you heal and move forward!
❤ You will heal, I'm sure of this. I can sense it throughout your words. ❤
Thank you all for your kind words.
I wish you all the best.
Take care!
Been there
Done that
You wrote almost word for word my family upbringing
I shared elsewhere my life story
Blessings to You on Your Healing Journey 😊😊
My brother and I like to say, "water is wet, the sky is blue, mom is narcissistic." She just doesn't know any other way to be.
I also believe that she did the best she could as a wife and as a parent with the skills and support she had and lacked. But she really never should have married or had children. That was the societal expectation in those days, and it was much more difficult to opt out back then.
I think my mother thought that's just what you did in those days. She didn't really want kids.
I just found your channel last night and have binge watched all your narcissistic family vids, and wow. I had never heard my family described so vividly. Thank you for giving me the language and ability to understand why my childhood was so upsetting, and why i feel the effects even now.
I always got “honor your father and mother …period”. They like to throw that, but the Bible also says “Fathers do not exasperate your children “🙏🏾
Honour those who are honourable.
Thank you for doing this video, it’s hard to be truthful about a narc mom because so many people in the Bible belt focus on this Bible verse (especially using it for the mother’s side). It’s more culturally appropriate to have a narc dad not a narc mom. Lots of good points. Good reminder to not focus on blame. I think it’s important to acknowledge & take responsibility for our feelings (anger/disappointment) on being raised by a narc parent , but not focus and marinate on them. Let them go & move on.
Thank you very much.
I agree that it is fair to 'e) Let them endure the consequences of their unwellness' as much as we can.
I think this is the same as 'giving them some chance to repent, or feel sorry for themselves' if they can.
God Bless.
You can honor someone by being truthful.
So true. The Scriptures warn against harming "little ones" in any way, including emotional, mental and verbal abuse. Parental abuse is evil.
I have been struggling with this for so long. Thank you for this video! I really appreciate it.
Glad it was helpful!
I recently read where someone said the worse part wasnt the abuse it is that they trained you to abuse yourself.
I had always been a somewhat meek child but I remember really catching it when my mother once said, ”I demand respect”. And I responded with “respect is earned. .. Wrong answer.
I went no contact going on 4 years now. It’s been the best decision I ever made.
Part of my decision to go no contact was caused by an intense spiritual awakening. This awakening centered on self love. When I began to love myself through this experience, my eyes shifted. Self love means not putting yourself in abusive situations, regardless of who the abuser is.
Now I love my neighbor as myself! I simply love from a distance.
I’m not saying it’s an easy road. Because through the process of self exploration many uglies(emotions) will appear. Face them stoically. With great care and gentleness towards yourselves.
We need to become the Self that was not fostered by our parents. The healthy, heart centered self.
May you all be blessed with optimal self ❤love🙏
Worst advice I ever got was to honor thy father and mother . They dragged me down their financial black hole ( bad financial behavior) and it set me back years of financial earnings. Sure honor they father and mother but your mom and dad HAVE to be honorable people.
Even though I had disowned my "Mother" for decades, I didn't feel free until she died. The horror show that she was is finally over.
It is to honor them for giving life, it does not say one need love or like them. A detached respect covers the commandment. It is about not bashing one's parents to everyone we know, not throwing in their face every shortfall, not embarrassing them in public.
If a parent uses the commandment to guilt their kids, they are going against the G-d who wrote the commandment. Forcing any behavior goes against the most important concept of free will. Do not be guilted into any action.
Why is it so hard to admit, to myself that I experienced these abuses?
What honor is there in denying the reality
I will preface this by acknowledging that this is just my opinion and where I'm at in my healing journey. With that said hatred is quite literally our emotional immune system, it is God given and very much meant to serve a purpose. The reality is that these "people" are bottomless pits and no matter how much of ourselves we pour into them will ever make an impact on filling the pieces missing. I'm ok with not forgiving, i can certainly understand that they had a shitty childhood and that lead to their character flaws, but I'm in no way obligated to forgive the damage they have committed on both me and other people in their lives
I remember my alcoholic mother telling me, " Don't marry a man like your daddy! Marry a rich man with a dead mother." Yep. She instilled those words in me as a young girl, and i married and dated abusers after another.
While my father is now deceased, but it would apply to him:
I can honor my parents best by staying away from them.
Neither had changed after almost 30 years away from them. No contact means no conflicts.
Thank you for this video! I honor her by not speaking ill of her to other family members. My brother still has contact, so be it. We each respect the other's position. My cousin didn't understand. I just told her she didn't live it. No details. It wasn't until she was the target of some attempted enabler grooming that she got it. Not that it worked, she was 20-something.
Thank you so much for this video. I really needed to hear this. I have been struggling with this issue for years. My parents are deceased and they were both narcissists, and raise a sociopathic older sibling. I have been very angry and resentful over the abuse, neglect, and abandonment but I need to start taking steps to heal. I feel like I have been held hostage by these feelings for decades. I want to be free. I will follow your advice.
I suggest breaking ties may be the best way of honoring destructive parents. Like taking a bottle away from an alcoholic. Perhaps the behavior will continue but you're one less enabler in their lives.
I struggled with that for decades and ended up tolerating contemptuous treatment. I did not honour myself, but God wants us to hold on to our self respect as well. I didn't know what was wrong and had poor personal boundaries with relatives.
Thank you for saying that acknowledging our parents for who they are, breaking free of enmeshment, and setting boundaries (including no-contacr), IS honoring my parents.
years ago my then 10 year old child asked this question to our wise Episcopal priest. He said ‘you’re right- there is sin here, but it is not your sin, it is your father’s sin!” He said ‘Sin is what separates us from the love of God, your father’s behavior is separating you from God” He also said, ‘you are honoring your father - by expecting / wanting more from him’
This is confusing to me. In plane words, what is priest saying?
@@adimeter the priest was saying that her instinct that there was sin involved was correct. But it was not her sin. Rather it was her father’s. Also the priest said she was honoring her father already in the best way possible given her father’s bad behavior. ( threatening to kill me and expecting her to be grateful for my death. Also other abuse and meglect)
@@signespencer6887 I understand. Thank you for explaining. I hope you have gone no contact and are protecting your heart.
Oh how I have struggled with this.
This information and advice is so very helpful.
Thank you
I remember seeing my parents as broken at the age of 7. I actually described my dad as an open wound.
Trouble is I had too much compassion for them my whole life. Mercy, grace forgiveness understanding. They took advantage of my sweet nature and have hurt me indescribably over the years. It took me finally getting angry when they hurt my daughters to go no contact.
This video hit home. well said with kind understanding, thank you❤
This is my folks, one is covert about it and the other one is sly about it. The best thing that I've done was accept them for who they are, break the enmeshment and move along alone.
Ive realized that I have had dream slayers and perpetrators in the form of parents and sibling.
Wow, what a good layout of the options in the narcissistic situation. This is helping me in my breakthrough. My parents always told me not to be angry, not to go sulking. I guess it's okay now to feel like a human being. Bravo
One of my boundaries with my narcissistic mother was refusing to drive very far with her. 😂 Even my siblings couldn’t understand it. However, when Mom went to assisted living I was able to make sure she was cared for, take her to doctor’s appointments and meet the paramedics when she fell in the middle of the night. I couldn’t love her but I honored her in that way even though I’m not religious.
Darth Vader is an interesting analogy. Underneath the terrifying mask there was a burnt and wounded Anakin.
Thank you Jerry, I honestly luv you for this message. We really needed to hear this, all of us who found ourselves in this trap. Though I've always been good with words, it was hard to properly communicate my situation. I was a ball of frustration, confusion, fear, and anger, then defiance joined the choir. Whenever I tried to reach out, people would respond with things like, "Why do you hate your mother?" Which was always like a slap in the face. Never hated anyone, much less my own parents. 40 of my 50 years I just needed a listening ear or a sounding board, or some decent advice. Anything helpful! So late in coming that all 4 (2 natural and 2 step) of my parents are dead now, and I have moved on, but still dealing with the metric ton of emotional luggage the abuse(s) created. (Sick family and the poor society responses)
Still, I find both value and comfort in this assessment. Amazing work you are doing, here.
Anyone here dealing with CPTSD, good help can be found at youtube/crappy childhood fairy. Also, youtube/Doctor Ramani is another great channel. Thanks again Jerry for taking the time to word this monstrous reality in a constructive way for us all.
Thank you for clarifying and differentiating between judging blaming and shaming as opposed to confronting and speaking the truth when necessary.
I’ve had to endure this exact scenario for all my life.
It is very taxing and when the ‘guilt’ emotion is invariably invoked in fear of not fulfilling the commandment of honouring thy father correctly, the guilt can literally eat you up alive.
And then there is the tormenting question of ‘am I still in God’s good books?’.
Parents are not entitled to bring their child to wrath and then demand honour. That is akin to ‘placing a stumbling block before a blind person’.
Honour is earned and that is called respect.
Acknowledging who they are setting healthy boundaries is the only way.
🙏🙏🙏
I found this exceptionally helpful. Esp not using societal norms in relating to abusive parents, but to accept that they were broken. My adoptive parents were excellent providers and from the outside it appeared I had everything.What I didn't have were parents who would have my back. I couldn't confide in them at all. If I was worried, afraid or upset about anything I'd just better fix my attitude. I never heard " it will be alright". There were no hugs or comfort. They didn't say "I'm proud of you" or " I love you". I can accept that they were broken and had no idea how to be truly loving and supportive to me or to each other. I am grateful every day that I was able to do things differently with my own children. I married a man from a loving demonstrative family who were a big part of my healing. They treated me with such kindness respect and love. My parents showed me what I didn't want to become.
I think a good question to ask is: What does it mean to honor someone? I came to understand that to honor my mother was to do what was best for her - what was best for her soul. Allowing her to abuse me only injured her soul all the more. When I started to regulate the way we interacted and the amount of time we were together the abuse slowed and finally stopped. And there was a bonus to it - she didn't abuse my sisters as much either. It's like walking a tightrope; finding the right balance.
Honor your mother and father for giving birth and for the good things in your childhood.
Leave judgment to God. Woe to those who hurt children!
God bless you and bring you to wise decisions.
Very well said
that commandment is a false sense of responsibility
I have been getting the message about "Letting Go" a lot lately and I think it applies to what you have said..
Thank you for this! I am 63 years old and grew up with parents like this. I was messed up emotionally for years. It caused problems in my marriage. My mother actually said that to me, "Honor your mother and father," to lay a guilt trip on me.
I finally let go not too long ago. Both my parents are in their 80s now, and both sick. I still talk to them, knowing now that they are both dysfunctional. I visit my mother in the nursing home. But even in their 80s they are still demanding with a lack of humility. Being sick still hasn't humbled them.
But I've moved on, and have inner peace as a result. My husband and I have been married for over 40 years now and have a good relationship. He also grew up in dysfunctional family. We learned to forgive and let go together. This is what true forgiveness is, to let go and move on with your life. It is for your own mental and spiritual health.
The Good Lord taught me to honor thier position in my life not their sins. I honor their title as Mother and Father but not their actions. Took the load off. This helped me keep that distance.
So instead of trashing them to make me feel better when asked about them I say that They taught me how to treat people and they taught me how to be a loving selfless Mother. For this I am truely greatful
❤ great topic, Jerry! I recently reached out to my brother (who abruptly ceased contact with me for unknown reasons in 2019). My brother triangulated my father in (who I haven’t seen or talked to in years. He left when I was 16- a few decades ago). This occurred after I shared with my brother my renewal of Christian faith.
My father expressed interest in conversation with me and when I asked him a few questions (via email) about the past, he never answered the long email I sent.
His relationship with my very narcissistic mother was tumultuous. She was physically abusive towards her children and him. I concluded those memories of that time period are still unhealed and fresh in him. The ‘bridging’ I hoped might occur between him and I will not occur as he ignored my conversation.
I’ve accepted he doesn’t really want a relationship with me as he only asked if he could send his religious writings to me so we could discuss them- never mind he never asked what I’ve been up to in 30 odd years.
It’s best that I understand he has never healed and may never. I am healing by understanding that fact.
I don't know you, but maybe your father would like to connect more lightly at first. You could be right that deep trauma is unhealed. He may not want to go deep into that.
@@user-ov4wr5yu4r good points!
I honoured my father who disowned me a good 2 decades before his death, by attending his funeral and enduring the who "He was a wonderful guy" comments. I honour my mother by not talking in a negative manner about her. I always tell the truth when my children ask questions and I make sure to talk about the good parts (because there were some good parts). I'm still working through the mess of my childhood and I'm never going back. I had "I am you MOTHER" too many times, even when she turned up at the funeral of my good friend and bridesmaid and in front of everyone she demanded we talk. My sister and I told her now wasn't the time, she ignored that and tried starting a conversation with me where I employed the grey rock technique. Now simply wasn't the time! I was willing to talk to her a month after I walked away but she wasn't willing so I am just leaving it be. She can now sob on the shoulder of my extended family members and have them tell me I have to go and see her, but I won't because I don't have to and my choice is to stay very much away from her and her way of "dealing" with me. Being brought up in a religious household, we girls were taught to be submissive to the older members of the family. Yet even in adulthood we never are on an equal footing and we still have to be submissive even when they want to take over raising your children. I choose differently. I choose to step away and live my life with my own family and have that precious opportunity to raise my children the way I want to raise them, in a loving home with two loving parents.
My mother once try to use that to get me to obey her, as an adult. I turned to her and I said, Jesus says if you're not willing to hate your even your own mother and father, you are not worthy of him. I told her straight out, he is my brother. God is my father. If you're not in the family, I don't want anything to do with you. She never responded back to that comment. In fact, that's her MO. To just stop responding. Wait until the next holiday rolls around, and then send a message of holiday cheer, as if last month the same thing didn't happen, just like it did the previous months.
Whose ur mother then? Just saying honor the feminine side of u as well. Love you siStar.
@@SkyeSage17 What do you mean? There is no spiritual mother. It doesn't work like that. God created us. We did not come from two spiritual beings, male and female entities. Humans are male or female. God is neither. Not both.
@@JeremiahLOsborne
Exactly what I said. Don't forget the female. .that's it. We are actually both male and female. One godhead, didn't want to go there. 🥴
@@SkyeSage17 I disagree with you, and I believe Jesus does as well, but I don't want to argue.
@@JeremiahLOsborne
Don't argue and search real TRUTH. Jesus is not truth, but a Roman distortion of His-tory.
Hope u find the real Christ not Jesus.
Bless you 💙
I honor their autonomy to dishonor themselves. Hating is dishonoring me imo.
My mother used to say "The Bible says you have to honor me, but it doesn't say anything about me having to love you ".
🥺
She was wrong. It’s in the Bible in John. Jesus gave a new commandment and that was simply to love one another. He said as I have loved you, so must you love one another.
I’m actually leaving my mother for good. I’m moving as far away as possible.
I tried that. International calls and whatsapp calls are too cheap nowadays, and they traveled here several times. I do mean it. I'm on the opposite side of the planet. I may need to just ghost them.