Were You a Victim of Emotional Incest By a Narcissistic Parent?

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  • Опубліковано 27 гру 2024

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  • @jerrywise
    @jerrywise  11 місяців тому +19

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  • @DominiqueFrancon
    @DominiqueFrancon 11 місяців тому +287

    My mother used me as her confidante when I was a child. As I got older, I hated her but didn’t understand why. My skin would crawl when she got near me. I couldn’t confide anything in her because she was a gossip and had to tell everyone my business. I have a better understanding now.

    • @monaj33
      @monaj33 11 місяців тому

      Holly cow..I was just thinking that in my head all night and this morning ...they are so sick in the head they think they are the victim and shit on their daughters and them exploit then sexually and physically and trash talk them

    • @lesleyelalami2562
      @lesleyelalami2562 11 місяців тому +20

      Same here..... you're not alone! xxx Yet she'd try and talk me out of whatever I confided in her..... because it wasn't what SHE would have done/chosen. She wanted/needed a clone of herself I suppose. Really? I learned to keep my mouth shut or stay vague about ANY plans/aspirations. Not good enough apparently because I was then called sly. My own 2 children had just got into their teens and I thought great time for some freedom...... nope.... because Mam and Dad both needed support by then. I was horrified as tho I am one of 4 it was me that copped it every time, the others don't do responsibility. It was a relief when they both passed which speaks volumes about the weight I'd been carrying, may God bless them both. xx

    • @streaming5332
      @streaming5332 11 місяців тому +17

      So much the same. The skin crawling, the interfering with my business. It transpired the mother was abusing myself and my brother in a perverted way.

    • @lesleyelalami2562
      @lesleyelalami2562 11 місяців тому

      It's such a relief to realise it was NEVER you..... and then you get angry.@@streaming5332

    • @kindasomeviews
      @kindasomeviews 10 місяців тому +8

      That's definitely overinvolvement. And intrusive. It's best to stay away from her and have adult friends look after her actions. It's common for that to be beyond the son/daughter's control alone

  • @dustinadkins6994
    @dustinadkins6994 11 місяців тому +116

    Has anyone ever been teased by the narcissist for not having a girlfriend but when you finally find someone they never have anything good to say about the other person? They really don’t like it when you have other people in your life from outside their zone of control.

    • @polinavie
      @polinavie 11 місяців тому +4

      💯

    • @arjavandijke4289
      @arjavandijke4289 10 місяців тому +4

      Yes I do.
      But...
      I remember my mother was convinced the marriage of my both elder sister would not last. They had chosen ' a wrong man'. And they would return home one day.
      She wote my youngest elder sister a letter a out this, at the time they where almost in their honeymoondays.
      My brother inl law was angry and confused about it.
      He told me when I was staying with them for a few days.
      I was about 10 years old.
      My mother said to me, when I had my first big crush boyfriend: you will think this is love, but...they ( man)only want one thing ( not specification, but I understood).
      And her words really hurted me.
      We were in love and their was connection, more I ever had had with my parents or family.
      Many years later I realized she projected and it was her only possible manner to try to warn/protect me.
      But man...in what a twisted way.
      She was not, never, be able to talk about whatever...
      My father on the other hand had the strong idea daughters should take care of their parents.
      Especially when they were not married ( yet). Like his sister did for his parents.
      Daughters had to take care. Basta. No question about it.

    • @kindasomeviews
      @kindasomeviews 10 місяців тому +2

      For me it was more like they see me happy with my gf (now ex) and they wonder how it's even possible. Yet they never ask or try to find out how she does it for me

    • @GlasPthalocyanine
      @GlasPthalocyanine 10 місяців тому +3

      My Father would always trash any potential boyfriends. I'm one of 3 sisters, with 7 marriages between us. As we got older, and left home, he refused to meet any of our partners or attend any of our weddings. He finally agreed to attend the last of my Sister's weddings, but that was because she and her husband had been living together for years and already had 3 children. So Dad had got past the idea that the marriage would never last.
      Our Father was always fixed on the notion that he knew best about the kind of man that we should be looking for. So, in that sense he behaved more like a suitor or confidante. He ridiculed me most as a teenager because I went through a phase of developing friendships and some intensely painful crushes on boys who were obviously gay.
      Our father was definitely creepy. He drove wedges between us sisters for many years. We'd all had years of living in his house, but there's quite an age difference between us. So we weren't all living with him at the same time and didn't share our experiences until we were older. He was always inappropriately interested in children who were the same age as his daughters, and that shifted to younger adults as we became young adults. We all independently had the same gut instincts that we never invited any friends over to the house. As we got older we all had the same gut instincts that we would never leave our own kids alone with him.

    • @lucygoose6237
      @lucygoose6237 10 місяців тому +3

      This is my husband's experience with his parents. They loathe me!

  • @christyviolet926
    @christyviolet926 10 місяців тому +62

    The older I get, the more people drain me & the more I’m ready to work remotely away from them. My parents emotionally used & hurt me. I’m tired of humanity.

    • @Bat_Boy
      @Bat_Boy 4 місяці тому +3

      I hear you...believe me. My narc sister was an energy vampire..I felt drained. Now...I prefer solitude, peace, and sometimes loneliness and boredom, than the drama.

    • @andrewandkellyareawesome
      @andrewandkellyareawesome 28 днів тому

      Same! I'd rather spend my time with animals

  • @bunnyvelour2820
    @bunnyvelour2820 11 місяців тому +81

    Ugh. Memories of my mother’s below-the-surface “jealousy” of me possibly getting too much attention from my father. And my father always conveying his disgust and contempt for my mother through passive aggressive facial expressions, where I was the audience. I wish people understood how gross and awful an experience this was. But it was all under the radar…

    • @lucygoose6237
      @lucygoose6237 Місяць тому

      I understand; except the narc female for me was my step Mom, whom my Dad married 7 months after my own Mom passed away. Otherwise, sounds like our experiences were pretty similar❤❤❤hugs to you

    • @orianam9835
      @orianam9835 6 днів тому

      A triangle. Sounds horrific and sick

  • @leandromarianonicolasarganaraz
    @leandromarianonicolasarganaraz 11 місяців тому +180

    It's like if they want or expect you to become the mature one, or the "parent" in that disfunctionality. I think it comes from the fact that the narcissist can't cope with their own emotions, and that's where it starts this emotional incest.

    • @larryl2398
      @larryl2398 11 місяців тому +22

      This! I believe the term is "parentified".

    • @carolnahigian9518
      @carolnahigian9518 11 місяців тому +16

      Since age 3-- had to prop up my mother!! she needed me to be the parental STRENGTH.!!

    • @MalekErdham
      @MalekErdham 11 місяців тому +3

      @@carolnahigian9518 Good job mom's mom! you're your own grandma!
      I'm sorry you had to go through that.

    • @jackilynpyzocha662
      @jackilynpyzocha662 11 місяців тому +6

      My dad did this, because he was and still is inesecure and immature!

    • @lesleyelalami2562
      @lesleyelalami2562 10 місяців тому +3

      My ex was parentified by his mother. He basically stood in for an errant absent father. So marriage meant he copied his errant absent father and totally avoided ANY responsibility while at the same time would sabotage all of my efforts to keep the 'thing' afloat. Constant emotional and financial sabotage. Nightmare. He even admitted at the end 'I'm just a little boy in a man's body'. I thought I had 2 children, didn't realise until years later I'd been virtually a single parent with 3 children.... and I often blamed myself for not being able to cope with all this nonsense. Not one migraine since I left him. Speaks volumes.

  • @wonderingheights
    @wonderingheights 11 місяців тому +43

    I realized I had two things going on: my mom wanted me to be her mother, her sister, and her partner. My father just wanted someone to dump all his unhealed 💩 on. Wow, I’m surprised I made it out of there.

  • @erikmclennan3934
    @erikmclennan3934 11 місяців тому +67

    Dang, as soon as I saw that title, the answer was "yes.

  • @beveletsarah2800
    @beveletsarah2800 11 місяців тому +106

    I was abused sexually by my father when I was 6 ! I tried to forgive and forget but recently I realided through his way of taking.. he Always talks as if I am his wife ! My mother IS aware but denies all hé has done, even thought she admited hiding in her bedroom when he molested me ! She didn't know what to do ! I would NEVER let that happen to MY children ! M'y father IS SICK !! I accept it and know if is Time to let go..

    • @fairygurl9269
      @fairygurl9269 11 місяців тому +19

      Im So Sorry

    • @TalkingWeirdStuff24
      @TalkingWeirdStuff24 11 місяців тому +15

      While I was not physically abused, my parents' continual excuse for their abuse was that they 'didn't know what to do'. I think that is abuser/Narc code for either
      1. 'I knew what to do, but I didn't want to do it, so I didn't bother'
      or
      2. 'I didn't know what to do, and I didn't care enough to try and figure it out so I just ignored you'
      I don't know about your situation, but in mine it was also a way for my parents to blame me for their abuse. They'd tell me how they 'didn't know what to do' because I was just such a difficult child, etc etc. The insinuation that built up over the years and has only gotten stronger is that their inaction was my fault for the crime of being too difficult to help, and that if I had just been easier to help they would have done so. Most of my Dad's problems with me come down to me not being docile and quiet and submissive enough. No matter how my Mother abused me his response was (almost) always 'well if you had just been quieter/more docile/more submissive/more pleasant then your mother wouldn't have been forced to abuse you, you're so difficult your very existence provokes her'.

    • @RestauranteBeiraMar
      @RestauranteBeiraMar 11 місяців тому +5

      are married now?did u confront your father? im sorry

    • @iahelcathartesaura3887
      @iahelcathartesaura3887 11 місяців тому

      ​@@TalkingWeirdStuff24 👍👍👍👏🏆

    • @iahelcathartesaura3887
      @iahelcathartesaura3887 11 місяців тому

      ​​@@TalkingWeirdStuff24 And your comment reminds me of Shanda Vander Ark 😢

  • @Miniver765
    @Miniver765 11 місяців тому +96

    My mother overshared intimate details of my parent's marriage after Dad passed away. Things that I absolutely NEVER needed to know. Yet she also wanted the freedom to switch instantly into "Mama" mode and verbally chastise me as though I were still 5 when I didn't agree with her or expressed an opinion she didn't like. She was much too obsessed with me and what was going on in my life during my adolescent years. It was beyond suffocating.
    I'm estranged from my older sister, but I suspect that in some form, my late father did essentially the same thing to her.

    • @jaklumen
      @jaklumen 11 місяців тому +9

      Is my mother a clone of yours? Kidding aside, I can deeply, deeply relate although my father is still very much alive.

    • @iahelcathartesaura3887
      @iahelcathartesaura3887 11 місяців тому +4

      DITTO

    • @lesleyelalami2562
      @lesleyelalami2562 11 місяців тому +5

      I think they confide in their children as they are not good at having close same sex friends to relate these things to, which would be more appropriate. I can remember being/feeling disgusted when my own mother, talking about sex for her convenience as she never taught us the facts of life...came out with 'Well, your Dad was just on the nest them off again'. Jeez..... I don't want or need to know that about them. Most inappropriate coming out with that in front of your children. I'm one of 4. My elder sister became a narc like my mother with a penchant for an exceptionally clean house and no emotional content or consideration of others. I became the scapegoat/ emotional support/counsellor/companion/whipping block for my mother, my next brother down she related to/discussed in a very balanced sensible adult way but the youngest brother she flirted with and he grew up to be arrogant, totally selfish and is probably a male narcissist. So my mother USED each of us to bolster her up but in different ways. It was like she polished up each facade of herself by USING her children. She came down heavily on the 2 girls yet spoiled the 2 boys..... needless to say she doted on her father and couldn't stand her own mother. What a relief when she passed, I felt a weight lift from my shoulders. I don't miss her at all but I do miss her cooking!!! LOL. She was definitely co-dependant, couldn't survive alone in life though had to be in charge. She could only be half of a whole.... there needed to be another person to make up the other 50 per cent. This made me wonder had she been a twin in utero and the other had aborted somehow? I'll never know.

    • @FreedomAboveAll4
      @FreedomAboveAll4 11 місяців тому +6

      Omg, my both parents always owershared so much, without any borders, i was always so ashamed as a child and as adult. I always wondered why i am damned and cursed to get parents like them. I blamed and hated myself.

    • @Miniver765
      @Miniver765 11 місяців тому +6

      @@FreedomAboveAll4 You had no control over any of that. Please don't carry a burden that isn't yours.

  • @carolynkepler2826
    @carolynkepler2826 11 місяців тому +30

    My mother was widowed twice when I was growing up. After the second one, both of my brothers left. I was the youngest and only girl so I became my mother’s “parent”. Her own mother was still alive but didn’t really want anything to do with her. My mother spent her whole life trying to get her mother’s attention. I spent my whole life trying to make it up to her. I didn’t know it wasn’t my job.

  • @monicaperez2843
    @monicaperez2843 11 місяців тому +94

    I waited on my parents and siblings like a servant.

    • @aneshaw6964
      @aneshaw6964 9 місяців тому +1

      The song Labour by Paris Paloma sums it up pretty succinctly

    • @mingo2024
      @mingo2024 8 місяців тому +1

      Me too. I hate my life.

    • @livelystones7773
      @livelystones7773 7 місяців тому +1

      Me too. Was like living in a level of hell.

    • @Carol-Lyne
      @Carol-Lyne Місяць тому

      Same. For 35 years.

  • @virgochick1
    @virgochick1 11 місяців тому +23

    Hit the nail on the head with this one. My ex was in an emotional incestuous relationship with his mother. He never could fully pull away from her and she called him her 'golden child'. She said to me, many years ago when I became engaged to her son, "you're a lucky girl"....it dripped with jealousy. He was a very unhappy man the past 15+ years of his life. He drank himself into the grave. He died 3 years after I divorced him.

  • @krembryle
    @krembryle 11 місяців тому +99

    I wish you mentioned my experience:
    1) parents just being all weird about sex; sex being a taboo, never talking about it in a normal way
    2) being overly worried about teen pregnancy for no reason
    3) child of the opposite sex taking the role of the spouse; like taking them shopping instead of their spouse, letting them decide on things related to the house instead of their spouse
    4) mother going in the bathroom, demanding seeing her teenage son naked because she is his mother and a nurse
    5) father telling his daughter whenever she wore a dress that the dress is too short, even if it never was
    6) father telling his daughter she is slutty when she is trying to be nice to strangers
    ...
    I could go on, but I don't want to.

    • @MelissaMayhem99
      @MelissaMayhem99 11 місяців тому +19

      My mother did this. Never gave me the sex talk, dubbed masturbation as gross, always threatened "Whatever you do DONT get pregnant before you graduate."
      She worked it into damn near every life lesson, no matter the subject.
      All that did was make me TERRIFIED to tell her when I actually did become pregnant a semester before graduating college.
      She made it out to be the absolute worst thing that could've happened and stigmatized it so much. And she was an absolute nightmare throughout my pregnancy with demanding details of everything.
      Its a huge part of why our relationship I think is beyond fixable.

    • @amarbyrd2520
      @amarbyrd2520 11 місяців тому

      There are a lot of discussions of your 1st & 2nd topics in r/raisedbynarcissists -- you can search the sub on that topic (I am sorry to say bc it's a thing in the world, but at least those of us who do that search get the validation that we are far from the only ones who went through it)

    • @user-ov4wr5yu4r
      @user-ov4wr5yu4r 11 місяців тому +10

      I think the short skirt is universal for fathers. Only that one alone. I think they are not protective enough if they don't want to keep you nonsexual a little longer and keep bad guys eyes off you. However, your case is not just that.

    • @monaj33
      @monaj33 11 місяців тому

      ​@@user-ov4wr5yu4r Bullshit..thats not a father to talk about that's a mother or a female guardian..its emotional incest and it means he's attracted to you...don't talk shit

    • @lesleyelalami2562
      @lesleyelalami2562 11 місяців тому

      Best off without imo. No mother is better than a toxic mother. xxx@@MelissaMayhem99

  • @tiffanyandtheshihtsu
    @tiffanyandtheshihtsu 11 місяців тому +87

    Emotional incest
    You just described how my mother has treated me for over 5 decades!
    I feel like I need a shower after I talk to her😢

  • @nodailyactivist
    @nodailyactivist 8 місяців тому +22

    One parent parentificated me, the other used emotional incest. And I was their scapegoat in the house and a golden child to show around. I feel sick remembering all of this while watching your video.

  • @rileyhoffman6629
    @rileyhoffman6629 10 місяців тому +15

    My father died a month after I turned five. My mother turned me into her therapist. I'm now 71 and still figuring it all out.

    • @OliverJazzz
      @OliverJazzz 10 місяців тому +3

      The same happened to me, in the same age, when my parents divorced. It did a great deal of damage. I wish you all the best on your journey, it's not too late to heal.

  • @cartwrightworm1317
    @cartwrightworm1317 4 місяці тому +5

    I considered myself to be my mother’s therapist when I was 13 and stayed that way until I was 24. When I told her that I didn’t want to hear it anymore she verbally ripped me apart.

  • @MalekErdham
    @MalekErdham 11 місяців тому +5

    This perfectly describes it. Thank you.
    When I was 8, my mom told me she doesn't love dad anymore, and she's only staying because of me and my siblings. so it's my job to keep her happy.

    • @jackilynpyzocha662
      @jackilynpyzocha662 11 місяців тому +3

      It's not your job, but hers!

    • @MalekErdham
      @MalekErdham 11 місяців тому +2

      @@jackilynpyzocha662 Thank you for saying that. A part of me felt that belief wasn't real, that It was me being delusional, until you said it.
      Thank you for pointing that out. I really appreciate it. It's kind of you.

    • @rebeccajohnson7864
      @rebeccajohnson7864 11 місяців тому +3

      I totally get this. One of the very most satisfying things I ever got to say to my smother was "It's not my job to make you happy".

    • @MalekErdham
      @MalekErdham 11 місяців тому +1

      @@rebeccajohnson7864 That feels so taboo but so right at the same time

  • @Megan-lt1ho
    @Megan-lt1ho 11 місяців тому +59

    They don’t teach this in standard psychology. You just described the relationship with my mother to a T. And I’m still trying to recover from this.

    • @SibyllaCumana
      @SibyllaCumana 10 місяців тому +5

      Therapy isn't always the answer if the professional isn't trained on these subjects

    • @jackilynpyzocha662
      @jackilynpyzocha662 9 місяців тому

      Same here, but with dad as the narc.

  • @joannageorge7305
    @joannageorge7305 10 місяців тому +18

    The word "object" is very fitting. You're not treated as a human being, not even a pet, just a thing that exists to pander to their whims.
    Also, non- sexual but creepy is exactly accurate. And she condemned anything sexual but discussed it, always unsolicited, in as much details as a pervert might. Made me realise that prudes and perverts talk much the same.

  • @Em-mr6wu
    @Em-mr6wu 11 місяців тому +73

    I'm SO glad you brought up older siblings that acted like parents. This is so often overlooked. My 11 years older sister spent a lot of time with me. She left home at 15, tired of drunken father, crying martyr mother, and I hung out with her a lot. She told me recently that it was selfishness from her. But yeah, I heard about her wanting to kill herself and how awful the world is when I was very young. I was her therapist, counsellor. I felt like it was on my shoulders to make her happy. I would go to bed at night praying for her and just wanting to know how to make her happy. It f**cking ruined me. And I'm nearly 60. She's dead now. And NO ONE SEEMS TO UNDERSTAND - they say "she's just your sister". Or, "all siblings fight, that's normal" etc. I'm so sick of trying to be understood.

    • @dilekkaplan6908
      @dilekkaplan6908 11 місяців тому +10

      It is very sad, your going to bed at night praying for her, having felt all that pressure in your heart as a child..

    • @s.s.8029
      @s.s.8029 11 місяців тому +7

      My husband was more of a husband to his mother and a father to his sisters than his dad was and it nearly destroyed our marriage. He took these roles on at an early age. I am seeing this dynamic in an elderly friend who recently lost her son. This dynamic is quite sickening and creepy. I didn't realize how bad it was until a co-worker pointed it out after working with one of my sil's (I worked for the same company in a different area). Short-lived, intense relationships with little commitment is definitely a pattern. I am sorry for your struggles with your family.

    • @user-ov4wr5yu4r
      @user-ov4wr5yu4r 11 місяців тому +8

      She didn't know where to turn, but it wasn't supposed to be you. I believe healthy family members should offer emotional support, but not be a crutch. It's the level to which she became dependent apparently without other avenues to work on herself, which created that situation. It all seems pointless now that she's gone, but I can understand thinking just one person cares.

    • @bonnielewin8520
      @bonnielewin8520 11 місяців тому +10

      Yes they say " they are your mother, sister, brother and they are family, etc." BUT if the person was a friend, boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife, they would tell you not to accept and put up with their behavior. I now judge adult people by how they treat me. It doesn't matter if you're my mother or a complete stranger. If they can't be an adult who will treat themselves and me with respect, then I am not interested in a relationship with them. Too many people stay in relationships with people because "they are family" when if the person was not "family", they would have nothing to do with them. There comes a time when you have to put your mental health and happiness first.

    • @Em-mr6wu
      @Em-mr6wu 11 місяців тому

      I'm amazed by the wisdom in your words. Its also kindness, not just for me, but also for her. Yes, she's gone now. After all these years, she killed herself. I used to be blamed by my mother, when I said I can't stand it anymore. So then my mom would blame me for not talking with her. @@user-ov4wr5yu4r

  • @erinwilson8087
    @erinwilson8087 11 місяців тому +46

    The wooing, the creepiness. Thank you. My mother wrote front and back on a birthday card this year. It feels very much like a love letter, after the month before writing a rejection and cut-off letter (she wanted to cut me off financially for setting boundaries. Guess what. They're still giving me money because it's the only thing keeping us together rn)
    "It felt so good to see your face and feel your arms around me"
    Gives me the ick. I'm her adult daughter. As a kid she would regularly put me down for being affectionate with her and my older sister. I was told I like to hug too much, for too long and I'm like a limp fish. Lol.
    My family ticks a lot of boxes in this video.

    • @00st307-m
      @00st307-m 11 місяців тому +5

      I’ve experienced this too. Have you ever tried explaining this to them? Part of me wants to tell my dad - this is icky / creepy, please stop. But I know they’d sooner blame me and hurt me more than admit their behaviors. And if they could understand how damaging it was - they wouldn’t have don’t it in the first place. It feels overwhelming sometimes that the only people who see this as abuse are myself + my therapist 😭

    • @jaklumen
      @jaklumen 11 місяців тому +4

      I have a covert narcissistic mother. She and a sister who often plays the "lost child" dysfunctional role both had a habit of fondling my hair. Thankfully, with the help of my wife of now 25 years, I got Mom and Sis to stop, when I flatly told them it made me uncomfortable.
      This is also the same mother who expressed concern when I was joking and teasing with my youngest sister-- she thought strangers would confuse us as boyfriend and girlfriend. The utter hypocrisy

    • @jwhite5396
      @jwhite5396 11 місяців тому +3

      I know that ‘ick’ feeling. And strangely during a hug my mom would physically push me away first too. And say, that’s enough. A manipulative narcissistic push pull? I don’t know. Invalidating and dismissing a child’s normal need for contact and then criticizing a child’s hugs as “wet fish” is pathological.

    • @jackilynpyzocha662
      @jackilynpyzocha662 9 місяців тому

      Dad's abuse of me still makes me want to retch! Dad hardly does anything nice for me and acts entitled to not to want the burden of me. He's wrong!! He expects me to lie for him, to tell others that he does good things for me on a weekly basis. I don't lie for him.

    • @kreese316
      @kreese316 6 місяців тому +1

      I so relate. Makes me sick. Thank you for sharing

  • @SuperHappyNotMerry
    @SuperHappyNotMerry 11 місяців тому +59

    as a woman there's an extra layer to the discomfort of the reality that my mother is the one who was emotionally incestuous. I remember very clearly one time she asked me who my best friend was and I obviously gave her the names of my two best friends because to me she was my mom. when I asked her who her best friend was, knowing full well she didn't actually have any close friends, I wasn't surprised when she said I was her best friend. nevertheless, even as I knew it was coming, I was dreading her words and when she finally said them I felt dirty somehow. just really gross and icky. it was the beginning of my realization that what she was doing to me wasn't right. it began to make sense why her touch disgusted me to the point of nausea or why I would rather sleep on the floor than share a bed with her. it's not normal to know about your parents marital and sexual problems, or their sexual trauma. If you're going through this and you felt like me that this was a duty because the other parent wouldn't give them that support so you had to step up just know that is not your role and you were taken advantage of emotionally. it's okay to feel uncomfortable with that.

    • @user-ov4wr5yu4r
      @user-ov4wr5yu4r 11 місяців тому +3

      I'm not a therapist, but I suspect it may have been a bit deeper than "friend" if you feel violated. I can imagine myself or another mom saying half seriously "you! But not the same kind of friend as Rachel and Amber of course." and nothing is dirty or creepy. What you described is like the time that guy touched me at work.

    • @reneerivera1426
      @reneerivera1426 11 місяців тому

      I honestly believe that although your mother shared some inappropriate details of her life. The way you look at her isn't right either.

    • @jwhite5396
      @jwhite5396 11 місяців тому +5

      Before going in for routine surgery my mom handed me a mushy letter, that included the fact I was her best friend. It had the desired effect. I cried and felt incredibly nervous for her routine surgery. My dad basically ignored her or was irritated by her. I was a trapped controllable audience for her.

    • @jackilynpyzocha662
      @jackilynpyzocha662 11 місяців тому +3

      Dad was this way with me, for decades. One of his brothers started it with me. Their mother told me to "have a sense of humor" after I complained about the uncle's sexual joke. I warned one of the other brother's and his wife, because they had two young girls and a boy. So Dad wouldn't hurt the girls. He is the primary perpetrator. I hope I saved the girls from abuse by telling their parents! Dad threatened me when I was 12 1/2 and physically developing. I told my uncle and aunt to prevent him from hurting these girls, who are now women. I warn other women he is friends with, who have girls. To break the cycle of abuse. Despite his threat!

  • @blacklightiteh5052
    @blacklightiteh5052 11 місяців тому +11

    Hi Jerry,
    I experienced both. Parentification and emotional incest. Both because the second husband of my mom traveled a lot and my mother was alone with me and my half-sister. I became with 14 a parent what ruined my teenage years. I also became a partner mainly for all the negative emotions as nobody was there except me. My sister became the golden child. I was a trash child, invisible. She yelled a lot at me, blocked all people who were caring and warming to me. From 44 years we had no contact 12 years. I gave her chance 2x as an adult, but I feel definitely better with no contact. She will never change her behaviour to me. Its all the time same pattern - she is like the step-mother and I am like Cinderella. I don't want to play this role anymore as I am 44 now.

    • @angiesspace2644
      @angiesspace2644 10 місяців тому

      I feel your pain. Going through similar issues. Stand your ground and look after yourself.

  •  Місяць тому +1

    This is so difficult to name and confront. Thanks for giving this experience a voice.

  • @angelicdragon7
    @angelicdragon7 11 місяців тому +18

    I noticed this seems to occur very frequently in highly enmeshed family systems.

  • @gardenswell
    @gardenswell 11 місяців тому +34

    something just hit me. i was the golden child from my dad's perspective, and his parents/my grandparents, and the scapegoat from my mom's perspective. i was very loved by my dad's side of the family. i was the oldest and only daughter with two little brothers. my dad had no respect for my boundaries and smothered me completely, extremely controlling and dominating and wanted me to comply to everything he said, and would punish me verbally and physically if i didn't. i gave myself away/never really developed my self-identity or boundaries because i was too scared of him to assert myself. he would take baths with me, be naked around me constantly, act like he was doing nothing wrong by being overly involved in my life, be extremely physically close with me like pulling me around, etc. since a child and into my teen years he would barge into my room without knocking. he would lean on me emotionally, cry around me, tell me all about his problems with my mom, spend hours talking about his own life. just really emotionally and physically enmeshed with me with absolutely no respect for me as an individual.
    my mom, on the other hand, was extremely emotionally distant from me since a child, extremely emotionally neglectful. she wasn't overbearing, instead she was cold and callous and bitter and manipulative and spiteful and imo jealous, enabling my dad's treatment of me, exacerbating it, and then punishing me for it by berating and belittling me for something that was completely beyond my control. she also punished my dad manipulatively and covertly for attention he gave me, withdrawing physically but emotionally trying to draw him to her through verbal abuse. really gross dynamic that's hard for me to explain because i'm still trying to understand and articulate it. this caused my dad to become manipulative and sneaky in his behaviour towards me, going behind my mom's back because he knew that she didn't like him giving me attention and being close to me (neither did i obviously) and he didn't want her to attack him emotionally.
    as i got older my dad became a violent alcoholic and my mom withdrew from me more and more and more, becoming incredibly cruel and malicious in her treatment towards me while my dad abused me. all the while i was stuck in-between them, trying to help, trying to mediate, trying to separate my parents while they screamed at each other and smashed up the house, trying to protect my little brothers, my dad lashing out at my mom as she "tried to ignore him", when really she was antagonising him and refusing to be direct and communicate with him properly. my childhood friends, my two/three best girl friends, who i loved and depended on because i didn't have anyone else, abandoned and bullied me the first year of secondary school because i think i was too much of a drag to be around because i was quiet, would cry all the time, was extremely shy and awkward, etc.
    i'm now stuck back living with them and entrenched in their shit once again. i need to leave. i never want to see either of them again. but i have no money, no friends irl, and two weeks after i moved back here i couldn't handle it so i broke some stuff in the kitchen and they called the police on me and had me arrested. when i was a teen my dad nearly beat me to death and will not admit it to anyone, and since then has been terrified of me telling people what he's done to me throughout my life. this has caused him to try to twist everything and everyone against me, and because my mom doesn't care about me she gaslights me and pretends nothing has happened to everyone, making out that i'm the problem not her or my dad at all, that i have no reason to "be like this". after the first incident i was let go with the only consequence being that if i did something like it again i'd go to prison, but it was so severely traumatising and painful to be betrayed like that by them, so utterly absurd to me that they were capable of doing that to me that i couldn't process it and other events occurred afterwards. so now i face potentially having to go to court and prison because i can't cope with being around them, and never could. why didn't they call the police on each other when they were smashing up the house when i was a child? after all the awful shit they've put me through, the first time i fight back i get arrested...? the police think i'm a spoiled brat who's living off my parents' goodwill, refusing to get a job, etc, but actually i'm like this because of how badly they fucked me up. i want so much to make a life for myself, to get a job and pay for my own rent, etc, but the damage they've caused me is crippling and i have literally no help irl, no professional help, again no friends, nothing, everyone is against me, everyone thinks i'm the problem, thanks to how profoundly good they are at lying.

    • @jehannehardwick6311
      @jehannehardwick6311 11 місяців тому +12

      Hi. Do you have Women's Refuges in your country? It sounds like you need help to leave and a safe place to be for a while. People who can help you get back on your feet.
      The last place you want to end up is prison. Your parents aren't worth it. That adds more trauma and abuse to your life.

    • @tammysmith9727
      @tammysmith9727 11 місяців тому +5

      @gardenswell U don't say how old u are. I have been thru similar trauma. I am now in my 60s. I denied, ran, rationalized, self-destructed, yet still sought approval & for decades tried to change the narrative of my parents. I ruined my prime years & am finally recovering but have had to deal with the justice system, all to my detriment & that will follow & haunt me forever. Idk but if u have no income then u should qualify for govt-funded medical aid which does cover mental health. Seek mental counseling, it does help, u just might not feel it right away. Try to stick with it, I know with our traumas it is hard to stick with anything, but it will be worth it. I promise. & if u are not comfortable with ur therapist don't be afraid to ask for someone else. Also -- I've done it myself a lot & still do sometime so don't think I'm judging u just trying to help as I know how painful it is -- Stop trying to change ur parents/family narrative, change ur own. U make ur own story. I know that I protected my parents/family & all the dirty secrets. Why?! It left ME feeling ashamed. I did nothing wrong. Instead of hiding things I started being truthful to EVERYONE. No more secrets. When I was shamed to strangers or other family or in public for my emotional reaction, instead of reacting in anger or hanging my head quietly, I would explain why I was having such a reaction, for anyone to hear - all to my parents horror & they stopped doing that. Stop saying, they fucked me up so bad I can't do ... u ARE capable DESPITE them. U are using them now as an excuse for ur fear of change of what u know & are used to, which is natural. Build ur strength & do what u can step by step because u do what u want. U make ur own story not them. U sound a lot like me as in reacting angrily emotionally in outbursts. Keep quiet give no reaction, keep neutral face even tho ur brain is a freight train, & ur heart is breaking. if u can't then just walk away. It will teach them to respect u & u are subconsciously also teaching ur brain to stay calm. I hope I wasn't too rough on u. U are very sensitive & vulnerable right now. Remember YOUR choices affect YOU. No one else can do that. Best wishes.

    • @Live1959-y7b
      @Live1959-y7b 11 місяців тому +2

      Shocking treatment you've endured 😢 I hope you can get away from them ASAP. I completely understand you and I send you love and respect. You poor soul 💔

    • @gardenswell
      @gardenswell 11 місяців тому +3

      thank you for your kind replies, they're really helpful and appreciated ❤️

  • @BenHackett-x7m
    @BenHackett-x7m 11 місяців тому +10

    For me, bad as the abuse & emotional incest was, the worst thing is feeling spurned, by the whole family, after I had no choice other than estrangement for my own health & sanity.
    My family would always be gatekeepers for whom I was permitted to associate with, socially or romantically.
    They sided with my ex when she left me & still won't accept me & my current wife (now together 20 years, married 17 years).
    Some of us aren't blessed to be born into a family that genuinely loves us.

  • @babelgome
    @babelgome 9 місяців тому +4

    My ex-partner is in an emotional incest with his sister. He broke up with me as he told me that he loved me very much, but if he had to choose his sister over me, he would choose his sister. He did the same to his ex-girlfriend.

  • @mariadaquila7587
    @mariadaquila7587 11 місяців тому +11

    This really hits home for me. My parents relationship was troubled for years while I was a little kid. My Mom would confide in me about the relationship. Certain things I didn’t want to hear. One day I told her, I’m not your friend. Recently she gaslit me and told me I never had problems with your Dad. Such a damn liar 😂

  • @nnnnnnnnnnn7292
    @nnnnnnnnnnn7292 11 місяців тому +15

    I often felt that I played a role of my narcissistic mother's husband or her mother.
    Not the daughter.
    Somehow I came up with a thought this was some kind of incest.
    My private life was a mess. I attracted narcissists with my low energy.
    She always hugged, touched and kissed me all over (not the private parts). And for years I didn't experience any arousal from a man touching me - my body was used to touching.
    I am very grateful to you for talking about it.
    I wish I knew this all 20 years ago.

    • @jackilynpyzocha662
      @jackilynpyzocha662 11 місяців тому +2

      I got the distinct impression, that before my mom and dad divorced, I was supposed to be his substitute wife. Sick father!

    • @kreese316
      @kreese316 6 місяців тому +1

      This is so helpful. You put words to some of my experience. Thanks for your courage.

  • @beckymcmanus3367
    @beckymcmanus3367 7 місяців тому +5

    I was her confidant from 5 years old. Dad was violent and unfaithful. She dropped me in favour of my sister when I didn't function well as an adult. Turns out I am autistic (58 years old)

  • @amberinthemist7912
    @amberinthemist7912 11 місяців тому +11

    I think this has been my reality with my dad. I've always thought of it as him viewing me as his personal assistant. But now that I think about it for him that's what a wife is. Personal assistant/slave. Someone who is just expected to do whatever they're ordered to do.
    I'm so glad I'm no longer playing his games. He's very lucky I'm still allowing monthly calls with all the grandkids but I will no longer be his emotional support.

    • @larryl2398
      @larryl2398 11 місяців тому +3

      I have both parents playing this game. They are divorced and both put me in that position. (i.e. providing emotional, technical support, yard work, etc)

    • @FreedomAboveAll4
      @FreedomAboveAll4 11 місяців тому

      ​@@larryl2398Same here, they were using me for years, during and after divorce.

  • @JFS1215
    @JFS1215 9 місяців тому +3

    It’s as if you could see into my life

  • @dorothynesbit6291
    @dorothynesbit6291 11 місяців тому +6

    I had a young man lodge with me for a few months and this video describes his relationship with his mother to a T. She had a very unhappy relationship with his father and became very enmeshed with the young man, her son. Thank you for capturing this phenomenon in your video.

  • @salguzman802
    @salguzman802 11 місяців тому +20

    Hey best buddy Jerry💚😏🌸
    I am feeling great now that my biological mom and family shunned me finally!
    First, she was 1.000.000% involved, now she's have nothing to do with me which is a great thing, due to me standing up for choosing me a 1.000.000% all the way this time around , realizing that narcissists cannot live with you living for yourself a 100% it's like pesticide to them😏🌿🌸

  • @marysue1883
    @marysue1883 11 місяців тому +5

    Thank you for covering this. I have experienced Emotional Incest by my mom, physical Incest by my elder sister. I'm 32 and the incest still goes on. Ps. I live with Multiple Sclerosis

  • @dameanvil
    @dameanvil 11 місяців тому +33

    00:20 🚩 Emotional incest involves being an over-involved object of the narcissistic parent, meeting their needs rather than the parent meeting the child's needs.
    01:54 🔄 Signs of Emotional Incest: Relationship Failures - Consistent relationship failures where you become too close too quickly may indicate a history of emotional incest.
    03:12 🚫 Signs of Emotional Incest: Sexual Polarity - Sexual addiction or rejection can be a sign of emotional incest, affecting the balance and dynamics of intimate relationships.
    05:26 🤷‍♀ Signs of Emotional Incest: Struggle to Commit - Difficulty in committing to relationships may stem from a lack of understanding healthy relationship dynamics due to emotional incest.
    06:27 🔺 Signs of Emotional Incest: Triangles - Triangles between a spouse, a parent, and oneself could be indicative of emotional incest, creating conflicts and challenges in relationships.
    08:07 😔 Signs of Emotional Incest: Loneliness and Emptiness - Experiencing persistent loneliness and emptiness may suggest a history of emotional incest.
    09:16 🏚 Troubled Marriage Connection - Emotional incest can be linked to parents' troubled marriages, redirecting unmet emotional needs onto their children.

  • @lordfreerealestate8302
    @lordfreerealestate8302 11 місяців тому +20

    There's been a lot more discussion around emotional incest because of the "toxic boy mom" trend that's been going around on UA-cam and TikTok - which is what I'd suggest you look into, Jerry. That discussion was what lead me to understand my own situation better.

  • @kreativjunkie8053
    @kreativjunkie8053 10 місяців тому +2

    Damn yes! As read the title I was thinking "exactly". Using me as a puppet on her strings, as a doll to live her life that she was not allowed lve, her emotional trash bin, her punching bag - I am 50 years now. Last year I cut off contact to my abusive 'mother'. This year january I divorse to the narciccist man I was married to 25 years.
    Healing takes time.
    I feel better now.
    Thank you.

  • @SaeZuri-g4n
    @SaeZuri-g4n 11 місяців тому +9

    My father made sure to marry someone simpleminded to control her. Then depended on me for intelligent conversation, or any emotional insight. He is too politically correct to have molested me. But at times, a questionable gesture. Or photo. Or gaze. Most of all, an EXTREME possessiveness. All accompanied by out of control, Malicious jealousy from my mother, over every petty thing. Utter quicksand to grow up in.

  • @berrylocomotive
    @berrylocomotive 11 місяців тому +12

    Thank you for this content! Emotional incest doesn't get the attention it should.

  • @taliajournee212
    @taliajournee212 11 місяців тому +12

    Amazing video Jerry, my oldest brother suffered from this at the hands of my mother. She married young and the marriage was and still is a disaster. He became the emotional support system, it's sad and unfortunate. All four of us children have scars from their horrible, abusive marriage. I didn't understand it all until I entered therapy about five years ago. When adults don't work on themselves and bring kids into the picture, unfortunately the kids become the target. It takes years to undo the damage, praying for anyone working through these issues.

  • @cmilk9082
    @cmilk9082 11 місяців тому +33

    Emotional Incest affects generations, because the dynamic is hard for the victims to acknowledge completely if at all. Emotional Incest is the gift that keeps on giving!

    • @jaklumen
      @jaklumen 11 місяців тому +4

      Repeat this louder for those in the nosebleed section and those wandering around but not listening.
      I've lived this but so many in the narc abuse recovery community seem to be very blind to it-- they complain and chatter about narc partners but rarely look at narcissistic grandparents, uncles, aunts, etc., much less narcissistic parents

    • @MelissaMayhem99
      @MelissaMayhem99 11 місяців тому +6

      This. I'm fourth generation of all enmeshed females and trying to break that cycle seems damned near impossible because it's been engrained to be normal for the last 50 years from the women in my family.

    • @jackilynpyzocha662
      @jackilynpyzocha662 11 місяців тому +1

      An unwanted gift!

  • @Michael_Arguello
    @Michael_Arguello 10 місяців тому +4

    Dude. The comments. God bless you, sir. Change is coming and I love it.

  • @Vicmot
    @Vicmot 11 місяців тому +9

    I was and still trying to figure a way to sue them

  • @Happytobeehere
    @Happytobeehere 10 місяців тому +6

    My father was and still is an emotionally incestuous type, and the trauma I’ve felt that was residual made me think that this wasn’t just stopping at emotional incest and that he actually did sexually abuse me as well. He has denied it and I believe that but the creepiness of that “bond” was and still is deeply unsettling.

  • @Loris88Angels
    @Loris88Angels 11 місяців тому +3

    Mom used my brother as if he was her husband. Now she has moved in with her own brother. I don't see how his wife puts up with it. Narcissist

  • @weaselwacker5462
    @weaselwacker5462 11 місяців тому +7

    My mom would ruin all my relationships with men so she could be "the only one who loves me". Shed encourage them to cheat on me and hit me like I deserved it. I swear shed abuse me at home on purpose so nobody would want me because I was being abused by her! Sick. And at 50 I am still stuck living with her not married no family of my own or home. Still her doormat and person she unloads her stress on to regulate herself. My family is all brainwashed by her to think the worst of me too. But thank God for therapy and my new awareness of NPD so I can at least know what the hell is happening unlike before. And I have my faith in God.

    • @lady_in_red8619
      @lady_in_red8619 3 місяці тому

      It sounds brutal but something very similar happens to me, I am 41 and my mother has interfered in my friendships and relationships all my life, she has even encouraged mistreatment of me by my father and my younger brothers, then she has made fun of me. as if it had never happened or as if I was to blame, she always victimized herself, then she came to tell me how much she loved me and everything she did for me... I find myself living with her, these people keep you away from everyone to suck the life out of you.

  • @Emile-philia
    @Emile-philia 11 місяців тому +12

    Apologies if I may have disclosed too many details in the comments section. True to form, emotional incest begets emotional promiscuity doesn't it. A difficult topic to discuss in any semblance of a public setting.
    Nonetheless thanks Jerry these videos are very helpful.

    • @jackilynpyzocha662
      @jackilynpyzocha662 11 місяців тому +1

      No apology necesary! I would date men like Dad, but then I realized, I deserve a better father and partner(I am not partnered now)

    • @Emile-philia
      @Emile-philia 11 місяців тому +2

      @@jackilynpyzocha662 I remember as a kid I used to wonder why all the girls went for the bad guy. 😅 Which it why it's been such a refief to figure it out (what you mentioned). I find it much easier to get along now that it no longer triggers insecurity which I also worked a bit on.
      My problem is actually that I find it difficult to distinguish in different types of relationships the appropriate level of intimacy. Confused a lot of people I think!! God bless.

    • @kreese316
      @kreese316 6 місяців тому

      I think that disclosure can go as far as you feel safe to share. We can all filter for ourselves if we can't handle something on social media ;). On channels like this one, reading others' stories often gives voice to what we have also suffered with. I personally find the comments here deeply comforting.

  • @dorothycrawley1392
    @dorothycrawley1392 7 місяців тому +2

    Both my parents were narcissistic..I always hated when my dad would say that when he married my mother while she was pregnant with me that he married BOTH of us..yuck.. creepy feeling..this to me was emotional incest.. amongst other uneasy things he would say..

  • @conniesieg1566
    @conniesieg1566 11 місяців тому +5

    The TV reality show sMothered is a perfect example of parental toxicity

  • @SibyllaCumana
    @SibyllaCumana 10 місяців тому +2

    This is so true. I can't help feeling sorry for my relatives because they were victims themselves, but they destroyed us children emotionally. It doesn't help I have an INFJ-T personality on top... I am older now, a bit wiser, but nobody will give me back my right to a carefree youth. Not only that, my life has been full of responsabilities, anxiety, fears. I'm glad I'm definitely stronger now, but sometimes I still have self-pity for the person I could have been had I had some sort of support. The only way forward is in the now, I allow myself those thoughts but I started soothing myself telling the mirror that indeed I am a nice, resiliant person, still good looking (because your self-esteem is destroyed to the point that even your body gets sick) and, above all, deserving love and happiness

    • @ladyb7327
      @ladyb7327 20 днів тому +1

      I'm an infj too. & The family scapegoat. We deserved better. 🫂

    • @SibyllaCumana
      @SibyllaCumana 20 днів тому

      ​@@ladyb7327Thank you for your support and understanding, although I'm genuinely sorry others share my same experience and pain (think you know what I mean). I'm the scapegoat, too. I disliked myself, felt like a burden my whole life. Now that I'm older, I've realised that I really had it all instead. I'm saddened by what could have been and wasn't, even if I know I need to look forward

    • @SibyllaCumana
      @SibyllaCumana 20 днів тому +1

      @ladyb7327 Thank you for your kind reply ♥ I've just posted a longish comment, but it's disappeared... I'm sorry other people experienced my same pain... am the scapegoat, too. I'd have loved my family to be happy and I feel guilty I didn't manage to help them be. But I'm also angry because I realised too late that I really had it all and should have loved myself more. There are some things that are now out of reach, even if I don't want to dwell on the past I can't help feeling sad

    • @ladyb7327
      @ladyb7327 20 днів тому +1

      @SibyllaCumana
      yep 💔 The Past Is Now
      The Present Foundation
      For The Rest. Let Us Hope...

    • @SibyllaCumana
      @SibyllaCumana 19 днів тому

      @@ladyb7327 🙏 ♥ 🌸 I'm brainwashing myself with positive attitude videos :) and Mr Wise's profound knowledge

  • @philosophy_schilling
    @philosophy_schilling 5 місяців тому +2

    I love that this concept is out there. It is so helpful.

    • @jerrywise
      @jerrywise  5 місяців тому +1

      Glad it was helpful!

  • @margothescientificempath7603
    @margothescientificempath7603 8 місяців тому +2

    I've just discovered your channel this week and have been binge watching for the last few days. I was sexually abused by my father and my brother as a child. My parents are long deceased.
    I've had years of therapy and have had off again, on again contact with my narcissistic brother. I had been trying to have a relationship with him again for the last almost 5 years, only to fall victim of not only more emotional abuse, but also financial abuse from him. Dr. Wise, your videos helped me gain clarity on what was happening and I found the strength to end it with him yesterday. Your calm demeanor and logical explanation helped me put more pieces of the puzzle together. It really does take years. I'll be 70 next month and I've now ended a lifetime of control and abuse from my toxic family. Maybe I can have some peace finally. Thank you, Dr. Wise. You are a godsend. God bless you!

    • @jerrywise
      @jerrywise  8 місяців тому +1

      You’re so welcome! 🥰

  • @REBEKAHJOHNSON-lh6xh
    @REBEKAHJOHNSON-lh6xh 11 місяців тому +5

    Yikes!!! I can definitely see at least some of these in me. Eewww!! Creepy.

  • @robertmcgirr401
    @robertmcgirr401 11 місяців тому +7

    The support can be more than emotional but financial as in you are the one to provide the handyman role, help me with my work, earning. How about this one" you have no right to be married, your responsibly is to take care of me and my house" stress can cause illnesses

    • @larryl2398
      @larryl2398 11 місяців тому

      I have found myself falling into this role when my mom dumped her last boyfriend. He would take care of all of that stuff and then she started depending on me more. My uncle was plowing her driveway and they had a falling out and I'm hoping she doesn't ask me to take that over as I'm already cutting her grass. We had a snowstorm over the weekend and I'm feeling a bit of guilt not volunteering for the job but I have not been asked yet.

  • @KristinFischer-xm4db
    @KristinFischer-xm4db 11 місяців тому +12

    Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, this makes me sick to my stomach. The title makes me want to throw up. Because i know this very well.

  • @Pomoscorzo
    @Pomoscorzo 3 місяці тому +1

    Overfamiliarity strikes a chord. 😢😢

  • @TheLadyaec
    @TheLadyaec 8 місяців тому +2

    That’s why it feels that way. That’s why you cut off during arousal at them being an intrusive memory. Also bc you weren’t allowed those relations privately, without fear, or to make any friends, it’s the only association. Contaminated for you.

  • @bigm383
    @bigm383 7 місяців тому +1

    Your comment on your mother being over familiar with you struck a chord with me. My father left when I was fourteen and I used to get the feeling that I had become a stand in for my father, like a reverse Oedipus complex. It gave me the heebie jeebies! Unfortunately I was so highly trained to respect my mother, look after her, etc, that I’ve never been able to break away. Now she’s in a nursing home with dementia she just sits around talking about how wonderful she is. I just roll my eyes!

  • @ladyb7327
    @ladyb7327 20 днів тому

    My children's father did this? Before & after we split up. & now my youngest daughter is doing it to her children. Possibly my older daughter is too? My family is just broken. 💔

  • @tbunnyshy1
    @tbunnyshy1 11 місяців тому +5

    I appreciate all of your videos. I am so depleted.

    • @jerrywise
      @jerrywise  11 місяців тому +1

      You might be encouraged and more hopeful looking at this program
      program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/

    • @tbunnyshy1
      @tbunnyshy1 11 місяців тому

      @@jerrywise Thank you 💕❤️🕊🤗

  • @DSPLAYER_
    @DSPLAYER_ 9 місяців тому +2

    I have this same uneasy feeling from my mother. She texts good morning everyday which is nice however it’s so consistent to the point where I’m not even 3hrs away anymore. Then she wants to abruptly text to drive up and see me. I would greatly appreciate space. Then comes the “you know I love you” and “we’re not going to be here forever” shit.

  • @darinsmith2458
    @darinsmith2458 11 місяців тому +5

    I can relate to all the signs..

  • @twinade
    @twinade 11 місяців тому +1

    I never was aware if this Emotional Incest. It makes perfect sense now thinking about my husband's relationship with his biological mother. My husband was raised by his Grandmother .

  • @weaselwacker5462
    @weaselwacker5462 11 місяців тому +2

    Hardest part is they do it and dont care what it does to you. As a form of control if you are doing well to take you back down. The lack of love made me suicidal. Especially right after things were "normal" day before.

    • @SibyllaCumana
      @SibyllaCumana 10 місяців тому

      I feel you but please don't let anyone ruin your life. What helped me immensely was reading and applying Neville Goddard's revision technique. And listening to Jerry's videos, he also has programs which help release past abuse.

  • @debbiejahnke8724
    @debbiejahnke8724 6 місяців тому +2

    I’ve had a total failure to launch I’m beyond childbearing years and I’ve made my own way as far as financial assets. But almost totally missed dating. I had a few one date wonders that felt dull and scary. I was taken advantage of by a person in the role of a dorm director for sex only. And a couple of online experiences that I just closed if and when it became a problem. Very limited

  • @ladyb7327
    @ladyb7327 20 днів тому

    I was the scapegoat. 💔 My sister & mom were always WAY too close...

  • @carmenpentek-meyyappan6138
    @carmenpentek-meyyappan6138 11 місяців тому +2

    Very interesting what you say about the creepy father-daughter relationship, almost as if they were lovers. I have heard about a religious ritual performed in the U.S. where father and daughter in a ceremony vow to keep her a virgin, attached to the father, until marriage (with a man chosen by or at least approved of by the father). I think I read about it in GEO Magazine, and was shocked by the pictures showing father and daughter in a marriage-like outfit

  • @mingo2024
    @mingo2024 8 місяців тому +3

    It pains me to say this, but I literally hate my mother. I've been her therapist and stand in spouse since I was 8 years old. She forced me to be an adult as a child. I have no idea who I am yet, and I'm 50 years old. I hate my mother.

    • @livelystones7773
      @livelystones7773 7 місяців тому +1

      This is me also. She had the audacity to gaslight me say in her feeble covert narc victim voice, that she’d “never asked me for anything” when she literally stole my whole life from me. I absolutely hate that woman.

    • @kreese316
      @kreese316 6 місяців тому

      I can relate. I find the combination of pain, being repulsed at her presence, yet earnestly working on forgiveness and freedom AND continuing to be the respectful person that I want to be is SO HARD.
      A lot of people just choose no contact and some day I might have to do that. For now, I keep limited contact with high boundaries, but it isn't fun.

  • @Freethnkr
    @Freethnkr 7 місяців тому +1

    My dad was a product of the 70s, he became promiscuous very early and had his 1st kid at 16, and has always been overly sexual & raunchy...I hated that I was exposed to so much as a kid, and even as an adult, he over shared on multiple occasions and had uncomfortable conversations, that I didn't think fathers & daughters should have, but when I bring anything to his attention, he takes it as I'm being negative or scolding him...I just want the same level of respect I give to be given back...

  • @pommebour5354
    @pommebour5354 11 місяців тому +4

    My mum whispering in my ear that she missed my smell (I was giving her a hug - I've always hated that, she is grabby and doesn't let go). That made me feel gross and dirty.

    • @kreese316
      @kreese316 6 місяців тому +1

      Thank you for your courage to share this. I can relate and it is disgusting.

    • @s.hicks7213
      @s.hicks7213 3 місяці тому

      I’m so sorry you went through this. It’s real and incredibly damaging. Hang in there my friend. God bless you. ✝️🕊️

  • @kareemmohammed5270
    @kareemmohammed5270 11 місяців тому +5

    resonates, much appreciated Jerry as always.

  • @MarkusSteiner-h1q
    @MarkusSteiner-h1q Місяць тому

    This is me, my father wanted nothing to do with me because I was my own person and my mother was over involved with my own person. Catch 22 and every issue just mentioned. 🤦‍♂️

  • @shulamitebeautifulbride
    @shulamitebeautifulbride 11 місяців тому +9

    This just put a name on behavior. It helped me identify the behavior and heal and forgive. Oh. And protect my self.

  • @AlvinKazu
    @AlvinKazu 11 місяців тому +3

    2nd Generation(at least) of Emotionalcest here.
    My father was Grandma's Golden child where Father had to cater to Grandma's feelings and always follow her around like a puppy. My father also claimed Grandma was always scared of hugs and affection, and she had some weird issues apparently. I don't recall exactly what my father said, but he would say she was always afraid of physical touching/intimacy or w/e, thinking that he was making a move on her, or that it was "inappropriate" idfk. Makes me wonder if something happened to her and her older brother, who ended up being sent to a mental instiution(My Grandmother's father passed when she was 10, and her brother was 16. He was sent away to live at "Creedmoor in NYC[bad place] and she was always scared of being sent away. She was a nutcase though).
    So, with my father's crazy upbringing, my father's trauma turned into him protecting mommy dearest and only caring about my evil demon mother's feelings. Anything she said, no matter what it was, must be the truth.
    I was NEVER allowed my own feelings, I had to always care about hers, and if I did something to upset her it was my fault even though she was the adult and she was responsible for her own issues and feelings. Many instances where he would rage out and blame me, essentially breaking me... All to protect his mommy.
    The weirdest part is that my dad would always talk about how much he hated his mother, how much damage she did to him, etc, etc, etc, yet he not only allows his wife to do what his mother did, but he actively encourages it, enables it, and will stop me from defending myself from it.

  • @jeshuamathis9013
    @jeshuamathis9013 2 місяці тому

    Damn Jerry,you’re a real MVP.

  • @skybite
    @skybite 3 місяці тому

    My former advisor from my university wanted me to be mom’s surrogate husband through emotional incest including my former therapist. Another one of my former therapist turned a session with mom into a couple’s therapy session and kept defending mom until she used him as excuse to get angry at me and throw a temper tantrum at me because he became mom’s enabler which got us hurt at some point. Unfortunately my family is in favor of me being her surrogate husband since they hate her.

  • @pamelahawn9300
    @pamelahawn9300 10 місяців тому +1

    My whole childhood was being my moms pseudo mate. I parented the children since i was 6. ( she left me to sit 4 children under 4.) I thought that was normal. I always had to help her with everything. I was a Cinderella!
    She confided me about too many personal things. I dont talk to her at all now, i still miss my siblings. She has said so many lies about how i mistreated her. All Iask was for her to respect my boundaries.
    So, i am lonely at 70 YO. and in threapy for 3.5 years. I dont miss her at all.
    I suck at finding mates. My husband of 25 years is a Narcissist also. He has changed a lot. Since ive been in trestment. My new strength has him scared i will leave.

  • @themadwomanskitchen9732
    @themadwomanskitchen9732 11 місяців тому +3

    I experienced sexual abuse in the form of my father exposing himself to me and to this day he rarely calls me but when he does he says how much he loves me and my mother (they have not been together for almost 50 years) and now I see he loves me the same way he loves my mother and only seems to call me when he feels lonely, otherwise I have been the one who had maintained the relationship. I went low contact with him quite some time ago and this video has sadly confirmed I made a good decision to put some emotional distance from him.

    • @kreese316
      @kreese316 6 місяців тому +1

      Thank you for sharing and the courage to go low contact. I'm trying to do the same and figuring out how much/when to see my mom. Jerry's vids are so helpful.

    • @themadwomanskitchen9732
      @themadwomanskitchen9732 6 місяців тому

      @@kreese316 you're welcome!

  • @jds6964
    @jds6964 10 місяців тому +1

    I am a 59 year old GWM and only in December of 2023 did I finally realize how my mom is and has always been a narcissist. She has always wanted me to be an ignorant little boy that has to worship the ground that she walks on and can do nothing on my own without her support. I told her once that i wanted to get a job with an airline or at the airport. her immediate response was "You can't do that you will never be able to get a job with an airline or at the airport." I asked years later why she said that. Her response was to tell me that when I got the job that I actually embarrassed her by getting that job. She then said. "If a mother tells you that you can not do something then you should not even try". No wonder why I have such low self esteem. I have never even really had a good relationship. The ones that I was offered I turned down since I had no idea how to communicate or love someone. I kept on thinking back about what my mom would think. She likes to say "I love you with all of my heart" while she is giving me a hug. It makes my skin crawl. She has zero empathy. I had a very close personal friend of mine that I did love and Know that he loved me, pass away unexpectedly in October 2021. My sister and her husband came to his celebration of life service to be there for me. A couple of weeks after that my sister and her husband went to visit my mom. Not once did my mother ask how I was doing or any questions about the service or any questions about my friend Jorge.

    • @kreese316
      @kreese316 6 місяців тому

      The identity robbing relationship that you describe with your mom is so relatable. For some of us, finding who we are as adults is a battle. So many commenters are in their 50, 60s or even 70's getting over the crippling effects of the key person designed to bless us, only stealing our life to suck us into theirs.
      I feel like for those of us recovering from Narc abuse, we look back at our choices and see that they were either fueled by control form our narc parent or a kind of rebellion to prove that they don't control us.
      I'm praying that I land on neither, but kind find a peaceful sense of true self. Sorry about your loss of Jorge. My best friend died the same month, a year earlier. She understood me and was an affirming comfort in my life. I've never before or since had a friend like her.
      Thanks for sharing your story.

  • @sherrycarroll2387
    @sherrycarroll2387 10 місяців тому +1

    Not emotional, the real meaning. I'm 65 and it still affects me deeply, daily.

    • @kreese316
      @kreese316 6 місяців тому

      Probably both and I'm so sorry for what you went through.

  • @vickiegroome3220
    @vickiegroome3220 11 місяців тому +3

    How about addressing the parents and younger siblings who assume the oldest is responsible for their elder care ?

    • @SB_McCollum
      @SB_McCollum 11 місяців тому +4

      I'm the youngest, but I'm the sister that lives closest,it all fell to me. People used to have a saying, and there often was that one daughter who was "kept at home too long." She was the one that ended up a spinster even tho she might well have wanted to marry. Families work out who they can leave behind and will still be responsible. Humans are selfish, it's a very ancient thing. Good luck.

    • @larryl2398
      @larryl2398 11 місяців тому +2

      I feel like I'm being groomed into such a role with both parents (who are divorced). My younger (married) brother keeps his distance.

    • @livelystones7773
      @livelystones7773 7 місяців тому

      @@SB_McCollum well that makes sense. My mother was the mean girl bully and I was so scapegoated, bullied and abused by 4 older male siblings in different ways in order to break me into fulfilling that role. Being mother and brothers emotional and physical caretakers while nothing was reciprocated. Ever. I never even got breadcrumbs. And I’ve been doing that for decades. I hate these people.

  • @aysenuri2419
    @aysenuri2419 Місяць тому

    I’ve always said I feel psychologically raped by my mother. However, people never understood what I was talking about. And that disgusting thing she did when my dad was a regular father she would act like he’s giving too much care and attention and demand he say he hates me etc. Constantly jealous.

  • @farahdeebasiddiqui9809
    @farahdeebasiddiqui9809 2 місяці тому

    Insest here is not just to be used to overpower but it is real.

  • @pattyrooney1323
    @pattyrooney1323 11 місяців тому +2

    Thank you, Jerry!

  • @andyandrew7557
    @andyandrew7557 21 день тому

    This is so real

  • @auspicious6703
    @auspicious6703 10 днів тому

    This explains a lot

  • @sarahkennedy1481
    @sarahkennedy1481 9 місяців тому +2

    From age 5 i refused anyone to hug or kiss me but as an adult i love affection?

  • @austinnevels7447
    @austinnevels7447 11 місяців тому +2

    Ouch… yeah this

  • @jesperandersson889
    @jesperandersson889 6 місяців тому

    thyis is likely the subclinical lighter form of b-cluster

  • @GilbertFleming
    @GilbertFleming 11 місяців тому +2

    i really enjoyed this

  • @forumkitty
    @forumkitty 9 місяців тому +2

    Yep. It started getting really weird when she started talking to me about her sex life and all kinds of weird stuff. Like, she had no boundaries on what she told me. I had to deal with her emotions my whole life. Im an only child and i was both the scapegoat and the golden child depending on how she felt about me.
    It got even weirder when i met my fiance and started my own relationship. Looking back i see so many ways she tried to poison my relationship because i wasnt allowed to have someone while she was alone. I never listened though. Im glad i didnt. Then she impulsively did start dating someone and i swear she would rub their sex life in our faces when she knew i was having issues because im asexual and its partly due to childhood SA. So my fiance was being made to feel jealous by my moms sex life. And its so messed up. He ended up more of the scapegoat and me the one keeping the peace and emotional incest and all this crap. I hated it so much but she had me under her thumb and blinded by rose tinted glasses. At least until it turned physical and she made no effort to protect me and she jumped in to attack my fiance alongside her boyfriend. I could no longer lie to myself. So we fled. I have no regrets. But i do wish i could have brought more belongings with me.

    • @kreese316
      @kreese316 6 місяців тому

      Oh my gosh, thank you for sharing. You are not alone in this yucky treatment and the use of sex for power over you and its effects on your life. I'm so sorry for what you have been through and pray that you will keep watching these videos and stay free from your mom.
      If you haven't yet, please read the amazing comments. I have been watching Jerry's videos for a couple of months and am getting such help, but this video AND the comments are just so helpful. I pray that you can find your new/real identity apart from your mom.

    • @forumkitty
      @forumkitty 6 місяців тому +1

      @@kreese316 thank you. I watch videos from him and a few others. I've continued to be no contact with my mom and I have no plans on changing that. She has no way to get a hold on me again, as far as I know. Possibly a life insurance policy my grandma started on me, but she wasn't paying it for over a year before I left so it's likely to die off before I do. She's likely to die before me also. I'm finding myself and I'm trying to advocate for myself and get disability. It's going to be a long battle for that though.

  • @jackilynpyzocha662
    @jackilynpyzocha662 10 місяців тому +2

    Dad has been a predator to me as if I am his substitute "wife". Eww!

  • @meloneymoore8856
    @meloneymoore8856 11 місяців тому +2

    Yes, I had 2 narcissistic parents that experienced this from. Thank you for stating this and explaining it ❤❤❤-Xclusyph Icon

    • @jerrywise
      @jerrywise  11 місяців тому +2

      You are so welcome

  • @Coffee.9
    @Coffee.9 10 місяців тому +3

    My dad would legit have fits of rage where he’s go about throwing away anything that was “out of place” or “not where it was supposed to be” - his favorite things to throw and break were plates or anything made out of glass. After he’d get the house cleaned (usually by my mom, me and my siblings) he’d then take me out to get McDonald’s French fries while telling me everything my mom was doing wrong, all his war trauma, and more… I was under the age of 10 when he’d do this…

    • @kreese316
      @kreese316 6 місяців тому

      Thank you for sharing. This video has brought out so many relatable comments and I'm deep in my own process right now. I'm sorry for the trauma that you experienced, while your dad took his trauma out on his family.

  • @storyspinner3080
    @storyspinner3080 7 місяців тому +1

    Powerful.

  • @DeJuanEvans-s6j
    @DeJuanEvans-s6j 11 місяців тому +1

    That's their core problem