Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇 Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027 ‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self
When i was homeless, mama invited me to celebrate my 50 birthday at her place After 11pm by minus 8 Celsius, knowing the shelter closed the doors at 10 PM She ask me to leave it called the cops Even sleeping in the garage or backyard was forbidden Ps i did and do no drugs and so I said i will never forget and forgive this You see me never again! Then she took the blackmail card
I was evicted for having financial troubles ( covid related, i did sound & light for small cultural events as self employed) with no mental or addiction Now, i dont know of it is a DSM thing i called treason trauma Thanks ma for all those years i weapy your but going with you to the ER a few times year If you call me i dont know you I dont help people who let me almost die ! Lucky i didnt forgot my basic army training!
Parents who bring you gifts while violating your boundaries. Like, showing up uninvited to your home with zero warning or heads up, even though youve asked them not to do that… but they brought you some groceries. So if you turn them away at the door or tell them off for not texting, YOURE the ungrateful monster and they’ve successfully demolished your boundary
@@mikeyblaze they will also use the “I’m so worried” narrative as an excuse to punish you for not texting them back. If they demand immediate text responses, they will inflict punishments for not responding such as showing up or sending someone to your house, calling your friends and other family, or simply pretending to melt down with worry and send long rants about how they’re worried about you and how upset and stressed you’re making them by not responding. If you sit then down and try to tell them that you can’t always respond immediately, they will either play dumb, like this is a concept they just can’t grasp (even though, yes, they can, it’s a simple concept but playing dumb acts as a loophole so they can do it again) or they pretend to understand and then will do it again later anyway. The thinking behind their actions is “how dare you try and control me, you won’t win at this game” They are so entitled they see controlling you as their right, and any attempts on your part to set boundaries is you trying to control and oppress THEM.
Or, bombard you with items they no longer want or have purchased and dump on you to deal with...if you try and turn it down they get offended. I am grateful for some things, it just gets out of hand so quickly. I get overwhelmed. My dear mother literally filled my living room with so many boxes when I was packing, because I needed boxes after all...these were not broken down, I had no space for them and it was awful. She laughed about it. Yeah, good times.
Yes!!!! My child and young adulthood, in a nutshell. Also, conversely, they alternate the bombing with deprivation. The bombing is on THEIR terms. When you have an ACTUAL, REAL need (medical, transportation, housing, emotional support, problem solving, etc.)? Crickets. 🦗
i didnt realize how badly my mom impacted my life until my parents divorced when I was 18. She moved out, and it was just me and my very wonderful dad. We got along great and were like best friends, our relationship was the best it had ever been. Nobody was screaming at us or criticizing us, and we could watch a movie without worrying we were being too loud, or cook dinner without worrying we loaded the dishwasher “wrong.” My anxiety went from a 10 to a 0 almost immediately.
Is amazing how much space they take and how much peace they rob from from others and how being around them for even a few minutes can drain their constant opinions that no one asked for is overwhelming your energy is drained so when they are not around it feels liberating .😮
I remember when I was around 6 my dad moved away for a year to work abroad. Of course I didn’t understand much at that age, but I do remember feeling like life was suddenly good and that all the stress had lifted from me.
Hits home. Badly. Also, when you fail - it's all your fault. I failed to finish a college degree. Will they ever acknowledge that my conditions were really bad? That I struggled to find a rent and feed myself? I worked, had unfriendly roommates; had no friends, didn't know how to ask for help or overcome failures? That I had to move from rent to a rent a lot, without a car, alone, dragging things in public transit? That I studied a major that was new and too hard, that they had to change it's subjects two years later? I had no support, especially not from parents - I was the one that had to make them sure I was doing well every time I came to visit. They will never acknowledge that maybe I had reasons to fail. All they think is that I'm lazy, possibly doing drugs. Possibly mentally ill, which they have nothing to do with.
I hope you can find a way. I wish i found help earlier because I had lots of challenges like you and didnt realise just how much how i was raised impacted me. Therapy, support group's, safe people...
I had zero chance. I graduated in 08 without a single penny of help. Been poor ever since. No chance to not be poor. That said I'm glad God gave me all this learning. I got a better chance from here on out than everyone
My family treats me this way as well, which in some cases they may be true however they ignore the bad influences that they exhibited when growing up as well as my personal struggles
I resonate a lot with those kinds of issues. They hurt us and then blame us for hurting, take away our opportunities and blame us for failing. I'm so fed up with narcissists. Best wishes.
I was born with a rare genetic disorder NF1 along with OPG. It is a pretty difficult condition and most people who have it need constant support from their family. When I was 16, I was pretty much on my own. I've spent some time on the streets and many years with roommates who no matter how nice I was to them - I would cook for them, clean up after everyone, give them money and not ask for anything, none of them ever wanted to be my friend. Even though I was bullied and many time beaten as a child by bullies, kicked in the head, had rocks thrown at me, suckered punched in the head countless times, not to mention all the name calling, my narc Dad would always be like " why do you always have these problems". I would say dad I have never been treated like I am normal all my life, why do you expect me to be treated normal now ? Anytime I complain or talk about my struggles I do not hear from him for years. To him, I am just an inconvenience . All he cares about is his normal son and his grandchild. My brothers little kid said to my a few months back that he did not want me coming to his birthday cause I would scare all his friends away and that I am ugly and he is always making fun of my eyes behind my back like the kids did when I was a child. I confronted my Dad and brother about it and they were like " oh he is just being confident". and they would not do anything about it.
Something I heard one time also hit me really hard: Narcissistic parents don't see their children as individuals but as *extensions* of *themselves* : /
My mum wont even acknowledge she kicked my brother out or threatened to kick me out. Im sorry you went through that but am so happy you are still here. You didnt need that to get stronger but it made you stronger anyways. 🙏🏻💕
It's always about them. My borderline mother relayed her trauma to my teachers. I realized years later, she was the priority in the scenario, not me, her child, the student. I can't believe I was over 50 before I realized what a nightmare I grew up in.
Covert mom could only fake empathy between boyfriends. The impact is that I would believe things got better in our relationship only to be devalued again once she smear ne to new man. Then it was all about putting me down all over again. Thank you 😊
You aren’t alone. I was also 50+ when it hit me like a ton of bricks. It broke my heart and blew my mind. No contact is the best. I wish you healing peace.
Similar to my situation. My mother crafted a narrative that was all about her, trying to get anyone and everyone to believe what a super wonderful person she was and that my dad was so terrible. She did this by constantly repeating it to everyone, even the cashier in the grocery store, for all years of her life. The thing was, those same people also met my dad and saw he was not terrible, and they thought it was a bit strange that my mother would seem to have nothing else to talk about until she got an affirmative reaction from those she told. I'm 53 and now that she is deceased, I've spoken with many people who really do seem to have understood what was going on with her but out of politeness they didn't say anything. I've also discovered who the "inside circle family enablers" are, it is though their life depends on the lies being the truth.
After I stepped up and started setting strong boundaries, and fighting against oppression, my "family" have abandoned me. Almost 30 years of abuse.... now they just abandoned me and I am a single parent, I rely on god alone for his help and support. They want me back only to abuse me.... but i'm only getting stronger day by day, God willing.
Thats amazing! Im in a similar situation. Im not a single mother. But ive been staying true to my boundaries. Im creating a better relationship with my brother because of it. My mom uses Darvo. But i see behaviour changes even after blow ups. Im glad you have strong faith. 💕🙏🏻 Stay strong and God bless you on your journey 🙏🏻💕
I am not a big commenter but I have to speak on this. I was a single mother to start with but I always had the “support” of my family. I was young and did not realize the damage they did to me until my daughter was an adult. Would you believe the greatest harms my child reports experiencing were because of them (both of my parents)?! It wasn’t the things that happened right in front of me, they snuck it in the same way they hid their absurd behaviors toward my brother and me from the world. They were supposed to be helping us. The best thing you are doing now is seeing. The realizations are incredibly painful, but I think we need to work our way into facing them. It probably seems far away, but one day you’ll be glad YOU abandoned THEM, too. ❤
Yessssss, God and God alone!!! I have turned into the narcissist karma through my resilience perseverance and will to be the generational curse breaker. They all have to watch God work through me. Never needed the narcs attention, love, or approval and that's what God has shown me through my journey. GOD IS GOOD!❤
All about it. When I cried one time because I couldn’t take the verbal abuse, physical threatening and gaslighting anymore, I yelled I can call the police if they touch me again. My dads only response: “she’s going to destroy everything we built” …no mention of how their sick behavior destroyed their daughter
@@margarittasworld that is truly dehumanizing... The older I get the more I start to see that people allowing a false societal persona to usurp their true self ends up being the cause of a huge % of the worlds problems. When someone who has buried their true self in a mask out of fear of judgement and allows others to be most important, they so deeply bury who they really are that when they see someone who has the courage to be themselves, they are reminded of their own fear to do so and, out of hating themselves for being so afraid, they project their self hatred onto the one that ISNT afraid... Society and the media is extremely dangerous, if one lets it put a collar, a leash,a label and mask on a person. It takes humility and courage enough to risk being ostracized from society to not let hatred and violence of unhealthy social constraints become a tyrant that rules. I feel like Im starting to understand so much of WHY the world ia the way it is... But... people really don't seem to change easily at all. So it can be very frustrating being part of a world with so much strife. Hopefully you will have a decent day, I can't imagine what you've gone through, but keep being your best in this crazy world. Even though it might be oppressive at times.
I used to put my arms up and hide my head in the store when she turned around and I got threatened that she was going to really hit me because in front of everybody they could see what I put up with
When I was a young girl my narc "mother" told me I was really lucky to have friends. But I had already caught on to her and knew what she really felt inside; that she didn't want me to have independence and was jealous that I, as a child, was likable enough to have my own friendships without her.
@@msbg8385 Witch. Mine flerted with my male friends or with my first and bigest love back then. Also she enjoyed to mock me or criticise me in front of friends. She played role of big sacrificed mother same as my grandma who was covert malignant narc.
Mine hated that I had friends. I never was allowed sleep overs or friends to just come over. My other siblings could. She would go into rages in front of my friends if they happen to stop by for a few minutes. One of them cried, she was so frightened for me. She asked if I wanted to leave with her. 😢
Same!! My "narc mother" kept pretending I didn't have friends,as she only wanted to choose people as my friends instead of I could pick positive people as friends in my life she was jealous of this so I was being independent in my life & not her living her life through me as she was guilty of alot sadly
My mom thinks I have no friends and that nobody likes me - which is not at all true! But she thinks it because I express opinions, and she doesn’t like opinions about anything, except behind closed doors, so she imagines everyone hates me and says I should keep my mouth shut. It’s weird nonsense.
I'm a writer and photographer. I found my talent because my father was absent and my mother, a narcissist, was disinterested, so I learned to explore the world alone and make art from that. I'm now in my 50s and my mother still tells people that I learned photography from her (I learned it from myself and the cinema of Orson Welles). I learned to write by writing what was in my heart and reading a lot in my lonely childhood. My mother tells anyone who will listen that I'm a writer because she has written a diary every day of her life. If you have a parent like this, find your boundaries as quick as you can, don't compromise on them...and in time you will be just fine. All the best to anyone who's going through this.
My parents send me money especially my mother when I don’t ask! Then tries to make me feel guilty. I can’t even complain or tell what’s really going on in my life anymore because she will send money. BUT use it against me later saying I’m never satisfied. Brother sigh 😌
Same. I never got what I wanted. I would have picked just one thing. Instead it was a bunch of cheap crap I didn’t ask for. One good present I wanted would have been better than 20 I got.
So true. My dad as for my birthday present gave me a 2000€ table soccer ‚table‘. 1 day later he moved it to his office to play with his colleages and invite me to ‚spend more time‘ with him. I was 12 lol. Sick mofo.
Yup, I'm sick of the emotional immaturity excuse! How does anyone avoid becoming emotionally mature by the it ime they're 80! My last dumb therapist triggered me all over the place, was useless and told me I had to just learn to accept because they're emotionally immature. It's not a disease, it's wilful! They can't be bothered taking responsibility for who they are and how it affects their own family.
That's like not being abused, just neglected. Which in itself is also abuse: kids need care, not giving it its malfeasance through omission. No matter why the caretaker is so inhibited, handicapped. We just can try to be/become different.
Or sometimes it's the "Just remember who was there for you when no one else was"..... When honestly it's them pushing everyone else aside so they can have their moment in the spotlight
@@FreedomAboveAll4They really do want you feeling desperation, exhaustion, & fear among other things because it makes you easier to control/manipulate.My narc dad ☠️ from cancer almost a week ago & every day my mom and I get a little more self-confident and at peace despite all the business we have to deal with right now with changing things over to my mom's name among other things.
Yes, exactly (to the original comment). My mother used that line of reasoning when I was a child in an attempt to make me feel I would have no one except her in my entire life, but it was her fear of abandonment. After I moved out into my first home, she entitled herself to use the spare key to get into my house when I wasn't there, to throw away things I chose for my own home, and replaced them with things "she" liked that I remember she had before I moved out, all while having gone out and purchased a "better" new version for herself. My response to the quote in the original comment to my own mother eventually became, "Where were you when I needed you?"
Your videos always reassure me that my parents both are narcissist, and that I am better off not being in contact with either of them. Just an adult orphan out here.
Hey I'm 38 and just figured everything out left like 4 months ago a short 3400 miles away from it all wish me success and luck it's a real long shot but I'd rather fail on my own then be under that b.s but I honestly don't think I'll fail I just know anything is possible stay strong friends people can be rotten so do your best to be the complete opposite
For real it's better than being the scapegoat I'm going through it now with my own parents and now they want to play victim I don't got time for it I got my own problems to deal with they dumb ass Im an introvert because of their bullshit real parents make you disrespect them to hell with toxicity and fake people
My Mother was affectionate with everyone except me. She would give hugs and tell others how much she loved them. The last time I tried before her passing she stood stiff as a board...arms to her side...staring directly in front of her in a disassociate state. I can't wrap my brain around this experience.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Remember it was her, not you, that was dysfunctional. You did nothing wrong and did not deserve to experience that bad behavior from your own mother.
@AnnAndNala Thank you...I know she never wanted me...I was the result of her getting her way with a taken boy in high school. She was trying to break up their relationship. After confirming his paternity just prior to Christmas this year, he wants no contact.
Damn that hurt me and I know what it looks like and feels like…do your best to forgive her and know if she knew better she would of done better. It helped me get through a lot of pain even if it ain’t true. God bless ya!
@jayjizzle8383 Thank you for your kind words....Most days I believe I have forgiven...yet still get triggered at times. I wanted to mention I am sorry that you know how this feels. I hope you have been able to find someone who loves you unconditionally
I always got the "by your age, I had this, this, and this accomplished" from my dad, which had a negative result in motivating, and would actually shrink me into counterproductivity because I don't operate well under pressure and shame.
I loved to sing when I was a kid. My mom told me to shut up so much that I decided to draw….. because she couldn’t shut my pencil up. She wanted me to be nothing.
Exactly me. I am a silent musician as well due to my parents. Horribly… my dad got to be a loud musician his whole life. He can’t stand that at 70 his hands don’t work anymore. All i have left to say to that man is “man, imagine if you never were able to do music because someone simply said you weren’t allowed since you were a teenager!?” I’m even intensely better than he ever was. He has never once even given a single compliment. 100 percent of anything he ever said to me about music was “stop that racket. I don’t want to come home to this” with such rage that yep. My actual thing im amazing at inspires rage from him. I almost want to be nothing just to prove that he failed in his hyper selfishness but unfortunately that’s exactly what he wants. He wants to outlive me. And stand upon my grave saying i was just weaker than him. 100 percent. This doesn’t even remotely scratch the surface. Im sure yours doesn’t as well. I’ve never known a more selfish man in my 34 years.
@@JimmyKlef You’re still young. You have a lot of incredible sounds to explore! I’m sorry that your dad treats you this way. My mom passed away about 9 years ago, and my dad just recently. I don’t really know if I was good at singing because I was really young when they stomped on that fire. However, I do know that people buy my artwork. One of my paintings went for 3000.00. So my fire wasn’t extinguished, it just changed. Don’t let anyone tell you your truth. Keep making your music. Loud and proud! Take care.
Ouch....I loved to sing too. My mother would say " oh will you shut up". After a mildly positive report from my music teacher she started telling people what a wonderful talent I had! 😂😂
The gifts and money!! Yeah, it's given but the love, care and nurturing is not. And the flying monkeys around them will always remind you how great that parent was for giving soooooo many material things to you but excuse the lack of true love not given.
This was me too. I see you and want you to know you’re not alone. You were emotionally neglected when you should’ve been loved and seen by your parents. You were a person worth loving and they didn’t. I’m so sorry you weren’t. I hope you find people in your life who see and love you and become your true family. You deserve it.
I’m 43, and last year I was thinking about a new car. I mentioned it to my mom and she said that “ you shouldn’t do it, you aren’t where I was at your age you don’t deserve a new car”. These parents never change. Everything returns to them. I work hard she has NEVER helped me purchase any vehicle in my life. As a matter of fact I bought my second vehicle from her at 20. And she took payment and made me sign a contract. I am always floored by her narcissism.
OMG same!! My mother brought my 1st car and charged me a fukin carnote 😳 then she tried to get me to pay twice a month. They never change they're truly wicked ppl.
My Mom bought my 2 Sisters and Herself a Horse they need hay for like 500 Bucks a Month i needed and Still need to Finance all my Hobbies Myself she lent me Money yes but i needed to pay it back until the last Penny because my Uncle did Motocross and she always whines about how her Parents never buyed her anything seems like im in my Moms Footsteps now!
We bough a new car, and the narc FIL was put out that we bought a better car than his. We were in our 40s with a combined 6 figure income. He insisted all we needed was a s/h mini run about, only he needed a grown up car.
Narcissistic parents are all about image. My husband had to attend a private Catholic school, where he was bullied K-8--with his parent's full knowledge--just to make his mother look good. Today, my husband is just as difficult and uncaring as his mother, and I call him out every time he tries to "look" good without actually "being" good.
My folks would not bring me to a doctor, because they thought having sick kids made them look bad. An ear infection turned into a ruptured sinus infection to an intracranial abscess. My mom thought she would get in trouble if I went to the pediatrician too many times in a year. She also thought antibiotics would weaken my immune system and make me grow up frail. She gave me painkillers and antipyretics to cover my symptoms, despite it being against the school's rules to carry medication. I would get in trouble at home for going to the school nurse, even when my teachers forced me to go to the nurse because I was literally dying in their classroom. Looking good was a priority over caring for me. I nearly died because of it, and I have a neurological disorder that almost certainly developed because of that near death experience. There is a scar across my scalp that keeps me from keeping my hair short. But I'm no contact, and I'm thriving. I am working in adolescent psychology and advancing my education.
Omg. I never quite processed why it feels so cringy whenever my mom says "I'm so proud of you." You just articulated it. My mom called me yesterday to tell me that she's proud of me because I made the decision to NOT try to move into a bigger more expensive house in this economy, but to instead invest in upgrading my current home. Essentially, she's proud of me for making an adult decision at 47 years old. ugh. Oh btw, she arrived at this sense of pride after watching a movie wherein the adults made a bad decision about buying a home...you can't make this ish up.
More videos on this topic would be much appreciated. My mother is very covert and her fake nice attitude often gets me really confused because I don't know where the fake her starts and the real her ends.
Agree, more vdeos on this topic. My both parents are covert malgnant narcs, actors for audience, very loud and dramatic. Don't wan't to have role in their sick show anymore, i've got sick and get real health issues bcs PTSD and all that stress. Even now i found those videos very informative and good but at the same time very triggering and make me wanna vomit.
Yes please! Coverts, especially parents… So Many are crippled by their covert narc mothers…. The ones wielding flaming swords of religion and have everyone around convinced they are kind and loving…. These are the worst. Only one or two people brave enough to hang around for decades will see the narcs for who they are.
There really is a blanket determining that people are narcissistic when they really aren’t. Guys like this are giving all of these traits, but are not giving the reality of people and how people are more complicated that saying they are a “narcissist”.
@@SeccsiThe topics here are about narcs, not about someone questioning are they or not. So, what you looking for here? You obviously misunderstood purpose of this YT chanel.
Best advice I can give you, that im in the process of. Leave. Dont come back. Dont answer the phone. Let them sit in their own missery. Make sure its a righteous act of self love, not an act of hatred. They have chosen their path. Dont let them choose yours.
Your mother treats you like a child, you react like a child. I know, it’s really hard to break out of this lifelong cycle. Please start separating: look at her as a person, not as the mother she never was to you anyway. Is she a good person? Would you value her opinion if she was a stranger you had just met in a queue at the store ? Little by little, you will detach from her judgement. It has no worth.
At least some parents are encouraging them to be something. Mine tore me down to nothing and my mother used to say “There’s something wrong with you”. “I don’t know what’s ever going to become of you”. “Why can’t you be like your sister?” Why can’t you be like everyone else?”
Mother said, "I don't know how a nice person like me had a horrible little child like you." She would bash me then leave a present for which I had to be grateful. I earned aa academic scholarship, her response, "I wonder if we can give it to Rhonda (a friend of mine)" I went no contact 40 years ago. I didn't know anything about narcissism but I knew she was unhealthy for me
I left a different reply, but I think I misunderstood your initial comment, so I deleted it. I am sorry you experienced that treatment from your mother. You didn’t deserve that. May you have healing and peace.
@@RatedArgggI actually don't mind people telling me they are proud of me - my parents explicitly told me otherwise, that they are NOT proud of anything I did or how I grew up, and having a loving environment now that doesn't hesitate to tell me they are proud of a thing I actually do - that feels great.
@@RatedArggg I totally get that! I wanted to share that if an “I’m proud of you” was coming from me, it’s genuinely in you and what you are capable of, not because I own you, you are below me, or I’m somehow responsible for your accomplishment. That’s just my two cents ☺️ I feel proud of my family and friends all of the time. Not because of what they did for me, or who they are to me, but just who they are as a person ❤️ but yeah, when my parents said they were proud of me I felt gross because I knew it wasn’t genuine 🙃
“I’m so proud of you” this is legendary. I really really don’t care if my mother is proud of me. I don’t respect her as a person, her opinion means nothing. This always bugged me so thank you for putting this into words!
You literally described my narcissistic dad. I wasn't allowed to go out or relate to people he didn't like. He made me and my brother train for years till we get a black belt in taekwondo, we hated it so much. We used to cry and make up excuses not to go, the teacher was mean and hit us. But he liked to brag about us getting out belts at such a young age.
I am SO poor from no help and abuse...I was famuly slave and then worked SO hard at low paying jobs because I was a woman...I NEVER recovered..I am so hopeless tonight..
My mom arranged parties and made food for every person she saw as important, so she just could not be a bad mom… She did that for herself, not to help.
My Mom was so counting on me to make her look good. I totally saw through her ways early in childhood. On the other hand, my brother , was in drug rehab 3 times, stole for years from her and me, and cheated on his wife. He is her golden child. I never caused a minutes trouble. Good grades, graduated college , and happy life. I’m the bad , dark child. She loves to brag about the accomplishments, but can’t stand to congratulate me. It’s insane. My mom knew early on that I saw through her, but I never stopped. I would let nothing stop me revealing who she really was. I am who I am, in spite of her, Not because of her.
Same here! I hear you … my brother is the golden child… I could do nothing right even though I graduated with honors with two degrees in 4 years and worked in Tokyo for 4 years after college… back in 1992..sent home $40K to put in a bank account for me in the US but my dad lost it all in the stock market … no apology from either of them… then I still worked and bought two houses … a 3 family and two family and from the rental income and money I made working… I made more than my engineer dad and when he found out he was pissed! My brother got an $8,000 watch when graduated and I got a blender…
Yes, the whole 'I am so proud of you' is a backpedalling move that insults, cuts and infantilizes the target as the parent knows that they should have said this when the target was a child. They can use it against you later if you ever decide to call them out for never being there when you needed it. Their next move is to involve as many people as possible and tell them that you are the problem and gain sympathy🍀Not sure about anywhere else but that's how it's done in seaside towns across the UK. Great video, looking forward to the next.
Mine made it difficult to get successful (e.g. by criticising, neglecting, intimidating, controlling). But then by some miracle if you are successful they demand a huge piece of the success pie.
This is a good topic! I would randomly explain to my mother what a good parent is if I had children. Days later, she would come back to me to brag how she explained to someone else the same exact thing I said to her. She would tell me these stories like the thoughts were her original thoughts...like shes showing me how shes a great mother... ma'am, you were the first person I knew in life. Its odd how she explains her version of what her character is to me. Especially when she doesnt have those great qualities.
I used to say that my Narc mother has middle aged amnesia as if the things that happened in my youth, were unknown to her and they weren't. She just refused to do anything about them because she couldn't be bothered with being a real parent
My parents fake affection to people they secretly envy or despise or have contempt for... and who they did not make... better than most Oscar winners. Now that they are ageing, they are supremely affectionate to me... And I have never felt more uneasy. Help!
When it comes to faking... When it comes to others...I have a difficulty trusting others are being genuine instead of just wanting something from me. When it comes to myself...people pleasing and molding myswlf to be liked by others
@donovangray4246 Thank you for your reply. Something that has helped me... learning about limerance. It focuses on romantic relationships, but take romance out of that context and apply it to friendships as well. Not only did it open my eyes to my unhealthy behaviors...I can keep an eye out for others who display these behaviors. Wish you the best
My mom would take me to counselors, doctors, and psychiatrists (because of course I was the problem), and always say, "we just love her so much and want the best for her!" But I do not remember a single time at all, ever, that my mother directly told ME that she loved me, and the messaging at home was the complete opposite.
When ever I tried to have a friend, she would say no they are trash, walking down the road with a cigarette hanging out of their mouth. Well, one of those people ended up being my sons step mother, lol!!!!!! The thing is, she turned my son against me because of always butting in my life. He has also stopped all communication with me and my grandbabies. He actually let her control the whole mess!! Many people from my home town know what I was put through. I'm done posting about my narcissist parent, I can identify with all this, so I'm done
I often wonder if my parents groomed my son to be oppositional toward me. It started when he was 6. Stubborn as a mule. Both of my parents trash talked me. He was often told you don't have to listen to her, She's just being mean to you, She doesn't get to tell you what to do, She liked to be the savior
Love the AbFab references! Jennifer Saunders is indeed hysterical and her character is a very exaggerated version of a narcissistic mother, which, of course, makes it super funny. 🤣 Thanks, Jerry! Your videos are always a great help to me. I always suspected that my parents were narcissistic but your videos were the confirmation. It's like you're making the videos about my parents.
I’m sure you’re proud of the people they’ve become and the wisdom they’ve cultivated and demonstrated in the choices they make. You’re proud of their character, which is something they’ve built, as opposed to trying to cut in on their accomplishments and take some credit for it. The first kind of “I’m proud of you” hits different than the second one. I’m sure your grown kids can tell the difference and know your words come from a genuine place.
What makes me mad is when people refuse to see what is actually happening when the narcissist does their superparent role-playing routine. I never got credit for anything I did as a child. This was viewed as normal by my extended family who bought the lie that I was just lazy and incompetent despite the fact that I participated in multiple sporting activities and played piano and guitar as well. I of course internalized all of this and started believing that I really was just a worthless piece of garbage that didn't deserve all of the talent I had worked so hard to develop. Turns out it was all just a lie to bolster my parents image and percieved social status. But good luck convincing anybody else that that is what was actually happening.. Smh
My sister and I will be 35 and 36 this year and we have both gone no contact with our parents. Our parents call us spoiled brats to this day and say we don't appreciate anything they have ever done for us. They can't see that they are holding everything they have done for us over our heads 😢 This video runs so true for how they treat us.
my mom expressing how proud she always was of me kept me confused for a long time. I concluded she must have been loving and supportive genuinely because of how often she bragged on me. I used to love hearing it of course because I thought I was getting real support. years later I started to notice the follow-up statements she would make. “Im so proud of my daughter for going to college.” followed by “all because I raised her right!” and then it hit me that I couldnt remember a single time she complimented me without making it about herself right after.
Haven't seen my parents for 20 years and I'm so glad I haven't. Narcissistic parents are so narcissistic that they would never recognize it. Live is too short, it's taken me years to heal and I'll probably never fully will but better than being still in touch getting hurt and confused, no one deserves that.
Im glad you discussed saying "I'm proud of you" to adult children. My oldest is about to become an adult, and I want to make sure I make the switch to him being an adult (and his younger sibs in a few years). I can already feel it's going to be harder than I thought. I feel like I've done ok with him as an older teen but his younger years were not always easy.
As long as they know you have tried your best and you are there for them anyhow, I think it's ok. No one is perfect and that means there's not a perfect dad or son but there is room to grow and there's an unbreakable bond. The point is growing up with a secure attachment and connecting safely with your family that will make them look for someone who won't abuse them because they didn't have an insecure or avoidant attachment but a secure attachment with at least one parent.
Wow I’m so glad he spoke on the “I’m proud of you” comment. I’m an adult and my mom says this all the time and I always feel some type of way. Then I feel guilty for feeling that way. But he hit the nail on the head with this one. It’s true. She may be proud of me but it’s because I’m doing what she wants me to do and her saying that is to ensure she keeps me under her control.
Mine encouraged and supported my brothers to go far in life, but continously set me up to fail. Things got even worse when I managed to get sober and stay that way. They did everything they could to make sure that didn't happen. Finally moved away while they continue to show love to my ex narc husband. The whole story is beyond belief. My eyes opened to the truth in 2019, and I finally began to heal
One of the ways I “think” I saw my mother faking being a good parent, was that I felt she was trying to affect a triangulation between my sister and I, while she sat back, incredulously, and acted like she didn’t know what happened and that something must be wrong with the both of us. That it wouldn’t have mattered if one got injured and went to prison and the other one killed. This did not actually occur, but I saw and voiced the potential, which was met with silence. I believe silence meant, “You’re right, but I’m not going to validate that, keep you wondering and maybe it’ll still happen.” The reality is that, it not only had a great potential for happening, but in a large sense, after her death, IT IS happening. While I may understand the dynamic and know what’s going on, I have a crazy sister on my hands.
This is the only vid ever I've seen that describes this phenomena. I can relate 100%, what a relief this is to me. My parents are both like this, neglectful, punishing when they feel like it, giving what they want to give when they feel like it. I'm made out to be then crazy thoughtless ungrateful offspring. They set me up to fail, then can 'rescue'. The fake emotions and lack of care and the 'all we did for you'. Spent my damn life feeling bad, unseen, anxious. Now, I see them and what this is. Two children playing house who were incapable of raising another person. The pretense that they're helping you out incapable to enmeshed you and keep you in the one down position and using you as their crutch for their pathology incapable ss not acceptable.
I never received love or affection my whole life but always blamed when my sisters hurt me. I am the scapegoat but my mom always helped me out with money when I needed it and would always say what do you mean we don’t care we gave you money and this always made me feel conflicted
I have grandparents that are like this and I’ve learned it is their way to NOT feel guilt or shame for failing @ being healthy parents, much less grandparents. It’s like they try to “ pay you off” with gifts so they don’t have to feel or be reminded of what they haven’t actually done in their relationships.
The money and things is for leverage, in order to manipulate you, because then you owe them, and are expected to say yes to whatever demands are in the future. As soon as possible, don't let yourself get in a position where you need anything from them, especially not things or money. Be warned however, when you start to close the doors of opertunity they use to hold power over you, they can become more aggressive towards you, as the tactics they used for so long aren't working to manipulate you anymore, and it's your fault it doesn't work.
Thank you again, Mr. Wise. I’m so grateful for your videos. It’s so worth it to recognize how the damage done by my narc parent led me to building my life on the shaky, unhappy foundation of co-dependency and people-pleasing. I’m rebuilding now, with the help of professional therapy, and happiness & freedom come with doing the hard work for myself & healing.
I was a high school student and my friend invited me and 3 others over for a sleepover (play video games and watch movies all night). But because the sun went down at 5 pm at that time of year, my mother kept me home saying “you’re not going over someone’s house this late!” (It was 6-7 o clock on a weekend). What was she protecting me from? She was only posturing as a good mother and her rules were irrational and mean. My friend’s parents were fine with having us over because they in-fact were NOT out of their friggin minds.
After watching Jerry's videos for one week so far; one thing is abundantly clear. My narcissistic, self absorbed shallow mother needed a BRACING WAKE-UP CALL. Many, many ... wake-up calls. And someone to kick her ass a few times. Some of the situations that played themselves out in her relationships were very toxic and life altering for another family. She was completely unfeeling and deluded by what she had done. Even in denial over it before she died.
My favorite is when they say, "I'll pray for you." When you need their actual help. Or shame you for needing help at all. The codependent needs people who are dysfunctional to make them look good. Wanting love and approval is normal. But when you are dealing with a narcissist, it becomes a codependency because they don't love. A better term is victim shaming. You are bad for having needs.
I have went through this recently. You will figure it out. God will get you through just pray for help. Or, you could really use a break. After watching me struggle with a health condition, not being able to work, losing everything. Thanks mom. God forbid it be you. I don't think my mother owes me anything. My entire life I have paid her back for anything I borrowed on her terms. I could never treat my child like that under any circumstances. I get angry thinking about it. The last thing I will do is feel sorry for myself
Yes, my mother always says, in a condescending way " I have been praying for you " I'm not sure what it is she says in her prayers, but I'm sure she doesn't realy pray for me. 😂
Thank you for making these videos. It helps, in addition to therapy, medication, and engagement in fun activities, to put things in perspective when those things cannot. ❤
Jerry, great video! Thank you! What about a video on that confusing and toxic thing: on one side, the narc parent is "proud" of your achievements. On the other, you "strangely" grow up with that deep sense you aren't able to be successfull, you're weak or even ill, you have no abilities to master your life...
My people's pleasing behavior is my auto pilot and it comes because I feel more safe. It's not that I want to manipulate anyone; I feel I'm in danger if I don't please people, not because I want something out of them. When I need something, I ask politely because, besides being my family's scapegoat, I have worked for the public on the tough side of the counter and I appreciate good manners. I'm getting tired of hearing people's pleasing behavior is manipulative; it is when narcissists do it but for victims is our fawn response stuck there like if there's not a way to turn it off. I'm trying to fight that behavior because we are becoming sort of robotics and nowadays as societies, being nice seems like you are weak and a fool but I have been pressured to smile at work in a coffee shop because "I didn't smile enough" when I was sick 😷 and doing the work of six people who were sick too but were at home. I told the manager that if he helped me, maybe I could have the time to smile at the customers; he didn't.
I think the difference is that narcissistic people only are nice to look good or because they want something out of it, like control or to make someone indebted to them, not because they want to bring joy or show kindness to others.
Yes, people-pleasing behavior can be misunderstood by others. I had a good friend nonchalantly tell me that I was manipulative (which I would be willing to own). It was a couple of years later that he understood that this behavior was based on my own fears of not being accepted, rather than selfishness.
I know you don’t mean to, but you are trying to manipulate the person-you’re trying to manipulate them into not being angry or unsafe. What you want from them is a certain behaviour. If you have a therapist or counsellor, I would recommend working with them on this; it’s not healthy or normal to be in fear of people’s reactions to you. A narcissist may manipulate in a different way, but any time you try to influence someone’s behaviour away from what they would choose, it is manipulation, even if it is meant to keep you safe. That may have worked to keep you safe as a child, but healthy adults don’t do this dance. It seems scary, but it’s actually more freeing to have boundaries and a voice. Your passive aggressive comment to your manager didn’t get the help you wanted. And you didn’t feel empowered to ask directly for the help you needed when you needed it. You tried to be a “good employee” and suffer through it. You won’t get what you want through people pleasing, because it trains people to realize they can take advantage of your niceness. Your manager knows now that he can pay one person to do the work of six and all he gets back from you is a passive aggressive comment. He doesn’t care if you think he’s a jerk; that’s a good deal for him. You will keep attracting people who will take advantage of you. Narcissists hate and avoid people who know themselves and will say no. Narcissists don’t like people who have healthy boundaries around being treated poorly. Narcissists are lazy, and would much rather manipulate people pleasers than work on breaking down confident people. I hope you can find your voice and confidence through healing. - Best wishes from a former people pleaser
@@simplyixia3683 yes. It is freeing when we realize that we are not responsible for other's emotions or reactions. However, there is also joy in showing kindness and love even if not reciprocated. Most really need that, not because we want Tobe liked or approved of, but because it's how we'd want to be treated and want to make the world a better place.
I'm always glad I watched your videos. You're definitely rubbing off on me and making me wise, excuse the pun. I just wanted to say I went to University (I live in UK, so you'd call it College in the states) and did it all on my own. No help from my parents as they didn't want me to go. I had to force them to attend my graduation which just so happened to occur on my Birthday. I hadn't seen them on my Birthday for over 10 years prior. I was told by my Father I could now get a better job..... Nothing was done to even celebrate my Birthday, not a meal not even a drink out. Nothing. Just what I'm used to. It was shortly after I went no contact and had to reestablish when my relationship with a narcissistic partner finally broke down. I'm now over 2 years properly no contact and your videos really help me to understand why I'm maintaining that no contact. Thanks again Jerry
I don't care how old my kids get I'll always tell them how proud i am of them. Im 36 and still to this day i love when my dad tells me how proud he is of me
I think it's important to note that Absolutely Fabulous was a satirical comedy exaggerating a relationship between a whacky mom and a responsible grown child.
New subscriber here 👋. I'm really enjoying your videos. They hit home for me. I'm grateful for your help!!! 😊 Although it hurts, I'm glad I went NC with my narcissistic family at 47 years old. That's when I learned what narcissism was. I always felt as if my mother was not genuine. I was right. She doesn't like me because I call her out on her abusive BS.
The three faces of darkness has flying monkeys that help this along. Even the siblings who were in the mix of the three dark faces dysfunction learn to find the weakest fallen and jump them.
Mine would pretend to care in front of family, friends, etc but would shut down again once we got home. They down play any success I have but rave about family members slightest accomplishments.
Oh my gosh thank you so much for breaking down the "I'm so proud of you thing". I used to feel so guilty for hating when my parents tell me that. I thought wow I'm really messed up that even being told they are proud annoys me. There was just something about it that didn't sit right with me. But you nailed it. I'm 52 now. They never told me they were proud of me as a child. I'd hear my mother brag to other people ABOUT me. But it confused me why she never told those things TO me. To my face, nothing was ever good enough. Now my husband and I have a wonderful happy life. We've done well for ourselves. But zero thanks to my parents. My husband is self employed and I work for him. I have a good life in spite of my parents. Not because of them. So NOW they'll say things like "Oh I'm so proud of you" like I'm a little kid and I should be so happy that they are happy. Like my life is to please them. I couldn't put my finger on why it bothered me so much and now I get it. Thank you!
I never received unconditional praise or apologies from my father. I was and still am a high achiever, but he always said that I could have done better. I initially saw that as his way of motivating me to avoid being stagnant. I later realized that he hated the fact that I had surpassed him in certain areas of life. He never really apologized for anything. It was always “I’m sorry, but…” or that he was falsely accused of something. He could never be wrong about anything and would often resort to violence or put-downs if someone continued to question him. Both of my parents wanted to take credit for my military service, my achievements in college and work, etc. It was selfishness cloaked in the illusion of pride. I realized that they only pretended to be supportive of things from which they could benefit. I won’t allow that to be passed down to my child. It stops with me.
A parent, by my individual definition is someone selfish enough to inflict this existence on a child, for whatever grandiose self serving reasons a person needs to commit such a crime. If you are lucky you get parents who don't beat and starve you.
This is not a healthy or accurate worldview of parenting or families. Honestly you sound like you need a lot of help for your wounds. I hope you get that help and healing.
Thank you Jerry. Very on-point in my situation, and I'm 63! My mother still wants to infantilize me: "I'm worried about my little girl," while trying to figure out and judge why I'm overweight. Ha! Her urging me to do things I'm good at (I was good at mathematics in high school) while insisting I major in accounting - which I hated - is a prime example. I'm good at other things too which would have been a better way to feed my soul as a career. She wants a piece of any accomplishment I, my sister, or our children have. At a point in time when I did lose weight, she was jealous (I guess?) and imitated the more energetic way I walked!!
10:17 One way they do this is to say “thanks” or “thanks for everything”, when you just do something that is your job or a normal adult thing to do. It is done at very specific times though where it’s unmistakably weird and on purpose.
Gerry, I believe you have done a video on forgiveness. In it you said " forgiveness is not the answer". We all need to see this again. Sometimes their treatment of us was SO bad that to forgive would be to condone. I personally will NEVER
![Lp. Сердце Вселенной #60 РОЖДЕНИЕ ЛОЛОЛОШКИ [Финал] • Майнкрафт](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/YoR0pAV9FVQ/mqdefault.jpg)
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027
‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self
they will take credit when you win but they will abandon you when you need them the most
When i was homeless, mama invited me to celebrate my 50 birthday at her place
After 11pm by minus 8 Celsius, knowing the shelter closed the doors at 10 PM
She ask me to leave it called the cops
Even sleeping in the garage or backyard was forbidden
Ps i did and do no drugs and so
I said i will never forget and forgive this
You see me never again!
Then she took the blackmail card
@@guillaumekeulen219 sorry you had to go through this :(
I was evicted for having financial troubles ( covid related, i did sound & light for small cultural events as self employed) with no mental or addiction
Now, i dont know of it is a DSM thing i called treason trauma
Thanks ma for all those years i weapy your but going with you to the ER a few times year
If you call me i dont know you
I dont help people who let me almost die !
Lucky i didnt forgot my basic army training!
They get jealous when you succeed
This takes the cake
Parents who bring you gifts while violating your boundaries.
Like, showing up uninvited to your home with zero warning or heads up, even though youve asked them not to do that…
but they brought you some groceries.
So if you turn them away at the door or tell them off for not texting, YOURE the ungrateful monster and they’ve successfully demolished your boundary
Yep
They also get mad at you for not texting them back when they want to intrude with questions and waste your time
@@mikeyblaze they will also use the “I’m so worried” narrative as an excuse to punish you for not texting them back.
If they demand immediate text responses, they will inflict punishments for not responding such as showing up or sending someone to your house, calling your friends and other family, or simply pretending to melt down with worry and send long rants about how they’re worried about you and how upset and stressed you’re making them by not responding.
If you sit then down and try to tell them that you can’t always respond immediately, they will either play dumb, like this is a concept they just can’t grasp (even though, yes, they can, it’s a simple concept but playing dumb acts as a loophole so they can do it again) or they pretend to understand and then will do it again later anyway.
The thinking behind their actions is “how dare you try and control me, you won’t win at this game”
They are so entitled they see controlling you as their right, and any attempts on your part to set boundaries is you trying to control and oppress THEM.
Or, bombard you with items they no longer want or have purchased and dump on you to deal with...if you try and turn it down they get offended. I am grateful for some things, it just gets out of hand so quickly. I get overwhelmed.
My dear mother literally filled my living room with so many boxes when I was packing, because I needed boxes after all...these were not broken down, I had no space for them and it was awful. She laughed about it.
Yeah, good times.
Yes!!!! My child and young adulthood, in a nutshell. Also, conversely, they alternate the bombing with deprivation. The bombing is on THEIR terms. When you have an ACTUAL, REAL need (medical, transportation, housing, emotional support, problem solving, etc.)? Crickets. 🦗
how do they fake it? by crying in front of other people but raging and destroying when they are alone with you....
THIS resonates… 💯🗣️
i didnt realize how badly my mom impacted my life until my parents divorced when I was 18. She moved out, and it was just me and my very wonderful dad. We got along great and were like best friends, our relationship was the best it had ever been. Nobody was screaming at us or criticizing us, and we could watch a movie without worrying we were being too loud, or cook dinner without worrying we loaded the dishwasher “wrong.” My anxiety went from a 10 to a 0 almost immediately.
Is amazing how much space they take and how much peace they rob from from others and how being around them for even a few minutes can drain their constant opinions that no one asked for is overwhelming
your energy is drained so when they are not around it feels liberating .😮
I remember when I was around 6 my dad moved away for a year to work abroad. Of course I didn’t understand much at that age, but I do remember feeling like life was suddenly good and that all the stress had lifted from me.
Hits home. Badly. Also, when you fail - it's all your fault. I failed to finish a college degree. Will they ever acknowledge that my conditions were really bad? That I struggled to find a rent and feed myself? I worked, had unfriendly roommates; had no friends, didn't know how to ask for help or overcome failures? That I had to move from rent to a rent a lot, without a car, alone, dragging things in public transit? That I studied a major that was new and too hard, that they had to change it's subjects two years later? I had no support, especially not from parents - I was the one that had to make them sure I was doing well every time I came to visit. They will never acknowledge that maybe I had reasons to fail. All they think is that I'm lazy, possibly doing drugs. Possibly mentally ill, which they have nothing to do with.
I hope you can find a way. I wish i found help earlier because I had lots of challenges like you and didnt realise just how much how i was raised impacted me. Therapy, support group's, safe people...
I had zero chance. I graduated in 08 without a single penny of help. Been poor ever since. No chance to not be poor. That said I'm glad God gave me all this learning. I got a better chance from here on out than everyone
My family treats me this way as well, which in some cases they may be true however they ignore the bad influences that they exhibited when growing up as well as my personal struggles
I resonate a lot with those kinds of issues. They hurt us and then blame us for hurting, take away our opportunities and blame us for failing. I'm so fed up with narcissists. Best wishes.
I was born with a rare genetic disorder NF1 along with OPG. It is a pretty difficult condition and most people who have it need constant support from their family. When I was 16, I was pretty much on my own. I've spent some time on the streets and many years with roommates who no matter how nice I was to them - I would cook for them, clean up after everyone, give them money and not ask for anything, none of them ever wanted to be my friend. Even though I was bullied and many time beaten as a child by bullies, kicked in the head, had rocks thrown at me, suckered punched in the head countless times, not to mention all the name calling, my narc Dad would always be like " why do you always have these problems". I would say dad I have never been treated like I am normal all my life, why do you expect me to be treated normal now ? Anytime I complain or talk about my struggles I do not hear from him for years. To him, I am just an inconvenience . All he cares about is his normal son and his grandchild. My brothers little kid said to my a few months back that he did not want me coming to his birthday cause I would scare all his friends away and that I am ugly and he is always making fun of my eyes behind my back like the kids did when I was a child. I confronted my Dad and brother about it and they were like " oh he is just being confident". and they would not do anything about it.
Something I heard one time also hit me really hard: Narcissistic parents don't see their children as individuals but as *extensions* of *themselves* : /
I was supposed to be my mother’s mini-me: hair style, clothes, career, you name it.
Or possessions that they own.
Yeah they treat you like part of their ass all right
"If I hadn't kicked you out [at 17], you wouldn't have become what you are today." - My mother
So sorry for you ❤
My mum wont even acknowledge she kicked my brother out or threatened to kick me out. Im sorry you went through that but am so happy you are still here. You didnt need that to get stronger but it made you stronger anyways. 🙏🏻💕
Yes, always taking credit
Wow
I am sorry you went through that. I was on my own at 16.
It's always about them. My borderline mother relayed her trauma to my teachers. I realized years later, she was the priority in the scenario, not me, her child, the student. I can't believe I was over 50 before I realized what a nightmare I grew up in.
Yes me too 😢 almost 56 now and still learning and struggling (but no contact!)
All is always and forever about them. Even they robbed years or decades of our life, never to late.
Covert mom could only fake empathy between boyfriends. The impact is that I would believe things got better in our relationship only to be devalued again once she smear ne to new man. Then it was all about putting me down all over again. Thank you 😊
You aren’t alone. I was also 50+ when it hit me like a ton of bricks. It broke my heart and blew my mind. No contact is the best. I wish you healing peace.
Similar to my situation. My mother crafted a narrative that was all about her, trying to get anyone and everyone to believe what a super wonderful person she was and that my dad was so terrible. She did this by constantly repeating it to everyone, even the cashier in the grocery store, for all years of her life. The thing was, those same people also met my dad and saw he was not terrible, and they thought it was a bit strange that my mother would seem to have nothing else to talk about until she got an affirmative reaction from those she told. I'm 53 and now that she is deceased, I've spoken with many people who really do seem to have understood what was going on with her but out of politeness they didn't say anything. I've also discovered who the "inside circle family enablers" are, it is though their life depends on the lies being the truth.
After I stepped up and started setting strong boundaries, and fighting against oppression, my "family" have abandoned me. Almost 30 years of abuse.... now they just abandoned me and I am a single parent, I rely on god alone for his help and support. They want me back only to abuse me.... but i'm only getting stronger day by day, God willing.
Thats amazing! Im in a similar situation. Im not a single mother. But ive been staying true to my boundaries. Im creating a better relationship with my brother because of it. My mom uses Darvo. But i see behaviour changes even after blow ups.
Im glad you have strong faith.
💕🙏🏻 Stay strong and God bless you on your journey 🙏🏻💕
Self-preservation is most important. I'm proud of you for having a voice. Thamk you
I am not a big commenter but I have to speak on this. I was a single mother to start with but I always had the “support” of my family. I was young and did not realize the damage they did to me until my daughter was an adult. Would you believe the greatest harms my child reports experiencing were because of them (both of my parents)?! It wasn’t the things that happened right in front of me, they snuck it in the same way they hid their absurd behaviors toward my brother and me from the world. They were supposed to be helping us. The best thing you are doing now is seeing. The realizations are incredibly painful, but I think we need to work our way into facing them. It probably seems far away, but one day you’ll be glad YOU abandoned THEM, too. ❤
Welcome to the abandoned club. Also, sorry you chose to not reproduce with the right guy. That's got to make it extra hard.
Yessssss, God and God alone!!! I have turned into the narcissist karma through my resilience perseverance and will to be the generational curse breaker. They all have to watch God work through me. Never needed the narcs attention, love, or approval and that's what God has shown me through my journey. GOD IS GOOD!❤
I think it boils down to virtue signaling. To look "good" in the eyes of the community. For apererance's sake.
All about it. When I cried one time because I couldn’t take the verbal abuse, physical threatening and gaslighting anymore, I yelled I can call the police if they touch me again. My dads only response: “she’s going to destroy everything we built” …no mention of how their sick behavior destroyed their daughter
@@margarittasworld that is truly dehumanizing... The older I get the more I start to see that people allowing a false societal persona to usurp their true self ends up being the cause of a huge % of the worlds problems.
When someone who has buried their true self in a mask out of fear of judgement and allows others to be most important, they so deeply bury who they really are that when they see someone who has the courage to be themselves, they are reminded of their own fear to do so and, out of hating themselves for being so afraid, they project their self hatred onto the one that ISNT afraid...
Society and the media is extremely dangerous, if one lets it put a collar, a leash,a label and mask on a person. It takes humility and courage enough to risk being ostracized from society to not let hatred and violence of unhealthy social constraints become a tyrant that rules.
I feel like Im starting to understand so much of WHY the world ia the way it is... But... people really don't seem to change easily at all. So it can be very frustrating being part of a world with so much strife.
Hopefully you will have a decent day, I can't imagine what you've gone through, but keep being your best in this crazy world. Even though it might be oppressive at times.
I used to put my arms up and hide my head in the store when she turned around and I got threatened that she was going to really hit me because in front of everybody they could see what I put up with
When I was a young girl my narc "mother" told me I was really lucky to have friends. But I had already caught on to her and knew what she really felt inside; that she didn't want me to have independence and was jealous that I, as a child, was likable enough to have my own friendships without her.
Mine always tried to turn me against my friends even at the tender age of 40 she hates anyone who loves me. These women never change .
@@msbg8385 Witch. Mine flerted with my male friends or with my first and bigest love back then. Also she enjoyed to mock me or criticise me in front of friends. She played role of big sacrificed mother same as my grandma who was covert malignant narc.
Mine hated that I had friends. I never was allowed sleep overs or friends to just come over. My other siblings could. She would go into rages in front of my friends if they happen to stop by for a few minutes. One of them cried, she was so frightened for me. She asked if I wanted to leave with her. 😢
Same!! My "narc mother" kept pretending I didn't have friends,as she only wanted to choose people as my friends instead of I could pick positive people as friends in my life she was jealous of this so I was being independent in my life & not her living her life through me as she was guilty of alot sadly
My mom thinks I have no friends and that nobody likes me - which is not at all true! But she thinks it because I express opinions, and she doesn’t like opinions about anything, except behind closed doors, so she imagines everyone hates me and says I should keep my mouth shut. It’s weird nonsense.
I'm a writer and photographer. I found my talent because my father was absent and my mother, a narcissist, was disinterested, so I learned to explore the world alone and make art from that. I'm now in my 50s and my mother still tells people that I learned photography from her (I learned it from myself and the cinema of Orson Welles). I learned to write by writing what was in my heart and reading a lot in my lonely childhood. My mother tells anyone who will listen that I'm a writer because she has written a diary every day of her life. If you have a parent like this, find your boundaries as quick as you can, don't compromise on them...and in time you will be just fine. All the best to anyone who's going through this.
Only gifts or money, never time, attention, feelings, words. Too busy guilted into doing his dirty work. (Money money money)
My parents send me money especially my mother when I don’t ask! Then tries to make me feel guilty. I can’t even complain or tell what’s really going on in my life anymore because she will send money. BUT use it against me later saying I’m never satisfied. Brother sigh 😌
me too. mine was known for giving gifts, for everyone except me (only ever gave money and a store card, never wrote a single letter).
my parent stolen my money
Yup and the money was really masked as help and gifts but underneath the phoney gestures it was a way to control and create co-dependence.
@@youglowgirl2106 my narcicist mother is much more rich than me and lie to stolen my money
She always gave me what she wanted me to have, not what I wanted when it came to b-day and Christmas presents.
Ditto
Same. I never got what I wanted. I would have picked just one thing. Instead it was a bunch of cheap crap I didn’t ask for. One good present I wanted would have been better than 20 I got.
So true
So true. My dad as for my birthday present gave me a 2000€ table soccer ‚table‘. 1 day later he moved it to his office to play with his colleages and invite me to ‚spend more time‘ with him. I was 12 lol. Sick mofo.
Underwear!
It's not even emotional immaturity it's just emotional stupidity
No, because it's willful. They are just fucking cruel.
❤ that 💯, that's so well said!!
They're cruel & stupid both🤢.
Yup, I'm sick of the emotional immaturity excuse! How does anyone avoid becoming emotionally mature by the it ime they're 80! My last dumb therapist triggered me all over the place, was useless and told me I had to just learn to accept because they're emotionally immature. It's not a disease, it's wilful! They can't be bothered taking responsibility for who they are and how it affects their own family.
Stupidity here serve as and excuse for abuse. That's simply emotional violating 🤗
I didn’t even get that fake “I’m proud of you”
That's like not being abused, just neglected. Which in itself is also abuse: kids need care, not giving it its malfeasance through omission.
No matter why the caretaker is so inhibited, handicapped.
We just can try to be/become different.
I honestly don't know what's worse. Saying it but not really feeling it, or them not saying it at all.
Or sometimes it's the "Just remember who was there for you when no one else was"..... When honestly it's them pushing everyone else aside so they can have their moment in the spotlight
They want you completely dependent upon them then shame you for it! It’s a wild ride with these narcs.
@@5thHouseProductions They want you miserable, sick, desperate and codependent. They hate if you progress or evolve.
@@FreedomAboveAll4They really do want you feeling desperation, exhaustion, & fear among other things because it makes you easier to control/manipulate.My narc dad ☠️ from cancer almost a week ago & every day my mom and I get a little more self-confident and at peace despite all the business we have to deal with right now with changing things over to my mom's name among other things.
Yes, exactly (to the original comment). My mother used that line of reasoning when I was a child in an attempt to make me feel I would have no one except her in my entire life, but it was her fear of abandonment. After I moved out into my first home, she entitled herself to use the spare key to get into my house when I wasn't there, to throw away things I chose for my own home, and replaced them with things "she" liked that I remember she had before I moved out, all while having gone out and purchased a "better" new version for herself.
My response to the quote in the original comment to my own mother eventually became, "Where were you when I needed you?"
Your videos always reassure me that my parents both are narcissist, and that I am better off not being in contact with either of them. Just an adult orphan out here.
You are not alone!
Def not alone, friend.
Hey I'm 38 and just figured everything out left like 4 months ago a short 3400 miles away from it all wish me success and luck it's a real long shot but I'd rather fail on my own then be under that b.s but I honestly don't think I'll fail I just know anything is possible stay strong friends people can be rotten so do your best to be the complete opposite
For real it's better than being the scapegoat I'm going through it now with my own parents and now they want to play victim I don't got time for it I got my own problems to deal with they dumb ass Im an introvert because of their bullshit real parents make you disrespect them to hell with toxicity and fake people
Jesus loves you 💟✝️
My Mother was affectionate with everyone except me. She would give hugs and tell others how much she loved them. The last time I tried before her passing she stood stiff as a board...arms to her side...staring directly in front of her in a disassociate state. I can't wrap my brain around this experience.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Remember it was her, not you, that was dysfunctional. You did nothing wrong and did not deserve to experience that bad behavior from your own mother.
@AnnAndNala Thank you...I know she never wanted me...I was the result of her getting her way with a taken boy in high school. She was trying to break up their relationship. After confirming his paternity just prior to Christmas this year, he wants no contact.
Damn that hurt me and I know what it looks like and feels like…do your best to forgive her and know if she knew better she would of done better. It helped me get through a lot of pain even if it ain’t true. God bless ya!
@jayjizzle8383 Thank you for your kind words....Most days I believe I have forgiven...yet still get triggered at times.
I wanted to mention I am sorry that you know how this feels. I hope you have been able to find someone who loves you unconditionally
@@MoonLyte4UYou are kind and you deserve the best thee world has to offer! We all hope you found/find unconditional love, too!❤❤❤
I always got the "by your age, I had this, this, and this accomplished" from my dad, which had a negative result in motivating, and would actually shrink me into counterproductivity because I don't operate well under pressure and shame.
I loved to sing when I was a kid. My mom told me to shut up so much that I decided to draw….. because she couldn’t shut my pencil up. She wanted me to be nothing.
Exactly me. I am a silent musician as well due to my parents. Horribly… my dad got to be a loud musician his whole life. He can’t stand that at 70 his hands don’t work anymore.
All i have left to say to that man is “man, imagine if you never were able to do music because someone simply said you weren’t allowed since you were a teenager!?”
I’m even intensely better than he ever was. He has never once even given a single compliment. 100 percent of anything he ever said to me about music was “stop that racket. I don’t want to come home to this” with such rage that yep. My actual thing im amazing at inspires rage from him.
I almost want to be nothing just to prove that he failed in his hyper selfishness but unfortunately that’s exactly what he wants. He wants to outlive me. And stand upon my grave saying i was just weaker than him. 100 percent.
This doesn’t even remotely scratch the surface. Im sure yours doesn’t as well. I’ve never known a more selfish man in my 34 years.
@@JimmyKlef
You’re still young. You have a lot of incredible sounds to explore! I’m sorry that your dad treats you this way. My mom passed away about 9 years ago, and my dad just recently. I don’t really know if I was good at singing because I was really young when they stomped on that fire. However, I do know that people buy my artwork. One of my paintings went for 3000.00. So my fire wasn’t extinguished, it just changed.
Don’t let anyone tell you your truth. Keep making your music. Loud and proud! Take care.
Ouch....I loved to sing too. My mother would say " oh will you shut up". After a mildly positive report from my music teacher she started telling people what a wonderful talent I had! 😂😂
My mom did that exact same thing to me too
@@jessicaabbott10
I’m so sorry
The gifts and money!! Yeah, it's given but the love, care and nurturing is not. And the flying monkeys around them will always remind you how great that parent was for giving soooooo many material things to you but excuse the lack of true love not given.
This was me too. I see you and want you to know you’re not alone. You were emotionally neglected when you should’ve been loved and seen by your parents. You were a person worth loving and they didn’t. I’m so sorry you weren’t. I hope you find people in your life who see and love you and become your true family. You deserve it.
BINGO. You nailed it.
I’m 43, and last year I was thinking about a new car. I mentioned it to my mom and she said that “ you shouldn’t do it, you aren’t where I was at your age you don’t deserve a new car”. These parents never change. Everything returns to them. I work hard she has NEVER helped me purchase any vehicle in my life. As a matter of fact I bought my second vehicle from her at 20. And she took payment and made me sign a contract. I am always floored by her narcissism.
OMG same!! My mother brought my 1st car and charged me a fukin carnote 😳 then she tried to get me to pay twice a month. They never change they're truly wicked ppl.
My Mom bought my 2 Sisters and Herself a Horse they need hay for like 500 Bucks a Month i needed and Still need to Finance all my Hobbies Myself she lent me Money yes but i needed to pay it back until the last Penny because my Uncle did Motocross and she always whines about how her Parents never buyed her anything seems like im in my Moms Footsteps now!
We bough a new car, and the narc FIL was put out that we bought a better car than his. We were in our 40s with a combined 6 figure income. He insisted all we needed was a s/h mini run about, only he needed a grown up car.
Narcissistic parents are all about image. My husband had to attend a private Catholic school, where he was bullied K-8--with his parent's full knowledge--just to make his mother look good. Today, my husband is just as difficult and uncaring as his mother, and I call him out every time he tries to "look" good without actually "being" good.
My folks would not bring me to a doctor, because they thought having sick kids made them look bad. An ear infection turned into a ruptured sinus infection to an intracranial abscess. My mom thought she would get in trouble if I went to the pediatrician too many times in a year. She also thought antibiotics would weaken my immune system and make me grow up frail.
She gave me painkillers and antipyretics to cover my symptoms, despite it being against the school's rules to carry medication. I would get in trouble at home for going to the school nurse, even when my teachers forced me to go to the nurse because I was literally dying in their classroom.
Looking good was a priority over caring for me. I nearly died because of it, and I have a neurological disorder that almost certainly developed because of that near death experience. There is a scar across my scalp that keeps me from keeping my hair short.
But I'm no contact, and I'm thriving. I am working in adolescent psychology and advancing my education.
I'm so sorry .It must be so hard. All the best for your education and I hope it brings so much abundance and joy and healing 🌞
Omg. I never quite processed why it feels so cringy whenever my mom says "I'm so proud of you." You just articulated it. My mom called me yesterday to tell me that she's proud of me because I made the decision to NOT try to move into a bigger more expensive house in this economy, but to instead invest in upgrading my current home. Essentially, she's proud of me for making an adult decision at 47 years old. ugh. Oh btw, she arrived at this sense of pride after watching a movie wherein the adults made a bad decision about buying a home...you can't make this ish up.
Nope...you cant😊
More videos on this topic would be much appreciated. My mother is very covert and her fake nice attitude often gets me really confused because I don't know where the fake her starts and the real her ends.
Agree, more vdeos on this topic. My both parents are covert malgnant narcs, actors for audience, very loud and dramatic. Don't wan't to have role in their sick show anymore, i've got sick and get real health issues bcs PTSD and all that stress. Even now i found those videos very informative and good but at the same time very triggering and make me wanna vomit.
Sounds like this might be a good idea. Thanks for watching.
Yes please!
Coverts, especially parents…
So
Many are crippled by their covert narc mothers…. The ones wielding flaming swords of religion and have everyone around convinced they are kind and loving….
These are the worst.
Only one or two people brave enough to hang around for decades will see the narcs for who they are.
There really is a blanket determining that people are narcissistic when they really aren’t. Guys like this are giving all of these traits, but are not giving the reality of people and how people are more complicated that saying they are a “narcissist”.
@@SeccsiThe topics here are about narcs, not about someone questioning are they or not. So, what you looking for here? You obviously misunderstood purpose of this YT chanel.
Best advice I can give you, that im in the process of. Leave. Dont come back. Dont answer the phone. Let them sit in their own missery. Make sure its a righteous act of self love, not an act of hatred. They have chosen their path. Dont let them choose yours.
“I’m so proud of you” is the best case. Really ill parents just ignore any achievement, saying “it’s nice”, only after you ask their opinion.
"SHE GOT THAT FROM MEEEEEEEEEE"
YES!!!!!!! OMG
my mom treats me like a toddler who did a cool drawing. I'm 45. I just want to disappear.
You have to learn how to ignore her. Just be yourself despite what she does or doesn’t do. Pretend like she doesn’t exist
@@la6136 thanks LA, that is good advice
Your mother treats you like a child, you react like a child. I know, it’s really hard to break out of this lifelong cycle. Please start separating: look at her as a person, not as the mother she never was to you anyway. Is she a good person? Would you value her opinion if she was a stranger you had just met in a queue at the store ? Little by little, you will detach from her judgement. It has no worth.
My wife has taught our kids to only hug her and tell her they love her but isolate me. She make sure she gos into debt with gifts for each kids
Not good 😮
At least some parents are encouraging them to be something. Mine tore me down to nothing and my mother used to say “There’s something wrong with you”. “I don’t know what’s ever going to become of you”. “Why can’t you be like your sister?” Why can’t you be like everyone else?”
Mother said, "I don't know how a nice person like me had a horrible little child like you."
She would bash me then leave a present for which I had to be grateful. I earned aa academic scholarship, her response, "I wonder if we can give it to Rhonda (a friend of mine)" I went no contact 40 years ago. I didn't know anything about narcissism but I knew she was unhealthy for me
I left a different reply, but I think I misunderstood your initial comment, so I deleted it.
I am sorry you experienced that treatment from your mother. You didn’t deserve that. May you have healing and peace.
The praising in public absolutely boggled my mind when I realized what was going on. It feels like you're being gaslit.
THIS!!! 🗣️💯
Totally agree with "I'm proud of you" My parent recently said "keep up the good work" thought it felt a bit off as I'm in my 50's, and always worked.
@@RatedArgggI actually don't mind people telling me they are proud of me - my parents explicitly told me otherwise, that they are NOT proud of anything I did or how I grew up, and having a loving environment now that doesn't hesitate to tell me they are proud of a thing I actually do - that feels great.
What a stupid back handed compliment...thats degrading...yuck..
@@RatedArggg I totally get that! I wanted to share that if an “I’m proud of you” was coming from me, it’s genuinely in you and what you are capable of, not because I own you, you are below me, or I’m somehow responsible for your accomplishment. That’s just my two cents ☺️ I feel proud of my family and friends all of the time. Not because of what they did for me, or who they are to me, but just who they are as a person ❤️ but yeah, when my parents said they were proud of me I felt gross because I knew it wasn’t genuine 🙃
@@vebdakluyou can feel when it comes from a genuine place of love and affection versus a put down/ back handed compliment❤
Compassion, "com-joy" instead of owning through pride and also playing the superior to others.
This. Is. My. Mom. What’s worse is you look to other people for help and they just kinda tilt their heads and shrug because they just don’t get it.
“I’m so proud of you” this is legendary. I really really don’t care if my mother is proud of me. I don’t respect her as a person, her opinion means nothing. This always bugged me so thank you for putting this into words!
You literally described my narcissistic dad. I wasn't allowed to go out or relate to people he didn't like. He made me and my brother train for years till we get a black belt in taekwondo, we hated it so much. We used to cry and make up excuses not to go, the teacher was mean and hit us. But he liked to brag about us getting out belts at such a young age.
I am SO poor from no help and abuse...I was famuly slave and then worked SO hard at low paying jobs because I was a woman...I NEVER recovered..I am so hopeless tonight..
I'm so sorry! It was similar for me. Let's try to get ourselves out of this situation! Good luck to both of us!
Jesus is the answer call on him.
YOU are worthy! And, you are NOT alone! Be encouraged and CONTINUE to fight for your healing ❤️🩹 and happiness! Sending you unlimited LOVE! 🙏🏽❤️
Jesus loves you, I do to, praying…
My mom arranged parties and made food for every person she saw as important, so she just could not be a bad mom… She did that for herself, not to help.
This! Always doing stuff just to make themselves look good. Deep sigh😒.
My Mom was so counting on me to make her look good. I totally saw through her ways early in childhood.
On the other hand, my brother , was in drug rehab 3 times, stole for years from her and me, and cheated on his wife. He is her golden child.
I never caused a minutes trouble. Good grades, graduated college , and happy life. I’m the bad , dark child.
She loves to brag about the accomplishments, but can’t stand to congratulate me. It’s insane.
My mom knew early on that I saw through her, but I never stopped. I would let nothing stop me revealing who she really was. I am who I am, in spite of her, Not because of her.
Same here! I hear you … my brother is the golden child… I could do nothing right even though I graduated with honors with two degrees in 4 years and worked in Tokyo for 4 years after college… back in 1992..sent home $40K to put in a bank account for me in the US but my dad lost it all in the stock market … no apology from either of them… then I still worked and bought two houses … a 3 family and two family and from the rental income and money I made working… I made more than my engineer dad and when he found out he was pissed! My brother got an $8,000 watch when graduated and I got a blender…
I love psychology videos about toxic family relationships I hope you can talk about toxic siblings as well too
I have a video on toxic siblings, you can watch it here
ua-cam.com/video/7TqnnIEhwLw/v-deo.htmlsi=pTaxJYpleRKOzwY5
When I finally found out what my mom was I watched everything on covert narcissism too.
Yes, the whole 'I am so proud of you' is a backpedalling move that insults, cuts and infantilizes the target as the parent knows that they should have said this when the target was a child. They can use it against you later if you ever decide to call them out for never being there when you needed it. Their next move is to involve as many people as possible and tell them that you are the problem and gain sympathy🍀Not sure about anywhere else but that's how it's done in seaside towns across the UK. Great video, looking forward to the next.
Mine made it difficult to get successful (e.g. by criticising, neglecting, intimidating, controlling). But then by some miracle if you are successful they demand a huge piece of the success pie.
Condescending is the word I think you were struggling for with parents daying Im so proud of you just for doung everyday responsible adult things.
This is a good topic! I would randomly explain to my mother what a good parent is if I had children. Days later, she would come back to me to brag how she explained to someone else the same exact thing I said to her.
She would tell me these stories like the thoughts were her original thoughts...like shes showing me how shes a great mother... ma'am, you were the first person I knew in life. Its odd how she explains her version of what her character is to me. Especially when she doesnt have those great qualities.
I used to say that my Narc mother has middle aged amnesia as if the things that happened in my youth, were unknown to her and they weren't. She just refused to do anything about them because she couldn't be bothered with being a real parent
My parents fake affection to people they secretly envy or despise or have contempt for... and who they did not make... better than most Oscar winners.
Now that they are ageing, they are supremely affectionate to me... And I have never felt more uneasy.
Help!
When it comes to faking...
When it comes to others...I have a difficulty trusting others are being genuine instead of just wanting something from me.
When it comes to myself...people pleasing and molding myswlf to be liked by others
i agree that it can be hard to know if someone is being genuine or faking it for another purpose. I feel this a lot when getting close to people.
@donovangray4246 Thank you for your reply. Something that has helped me... learning about limerance. It focuses on romantic relationships, but take romance out of that context and apply it to friendships as well. Not only did it open my eyes to my unhealthy behaviors...I can keep an eye out for others who display these behaviors. Wish you the best
My mom would take me to counselors, doctors, and psychiatrists (because of course I was the problem), and always say, "we just love her so much and want the best for her!"
But I do not remember a single time at all, ever, that my mother directly told ME that she loved me, and the messaging at home was the complete opposite.
When ever I tried to have a friend, she would say no they are trash, walking down the road with a cigarette hanging out of their mouth. Well, one of those people ended up being my sons step mother, lol!!!!!! The thing is, she turned my son against me because of always butting in my life. He has also stopped all communication with me and my grandbabies. He actually let her control the whole mess!! Many people from my home town know what I was put through. I'm done posting about my narcissist parent, I can identify with all this, so I'm done
I often wonder if my parents groomed my son to be oppositional toward me. It started when he was 6. Stubborn as a mule. Both of my parents trash talked me. He was often told you don't have to listen to her, She's just being mean to you, She doesn't get to tell you what to do, She liked to be the savior
Both of my adult children have turned against me and joined my parents. I wish I knew years ago what I now know.
@@Gemmarose9012 Sending you love and comfort
Love the AbFab references! Jennifer Saunders is indeed hysterical and her character is a very exaggerated version of a narcissistic mother, which, of course, makes it super funny. 🤣
Thanks, Jerry! Your videos are always a great help to me. I always suspected that my parents were narcissistic but your videos were the confirmation. It's like you're making the videos about my parents.
I do tell my adult kids that I'm proud of them, but I add which skills I admire about them, though.
I’m sure you’re proud of the people they’ve become and the wisdom they’ve cultivated and demonstrated in the choices they make. You’re proud of their character, which is something they’ve built, as opposed to trying to cut in on their accomplishments and take some credit for it. The first kind of “I’m proud of you” hits different than the second one. I’m sure your grown kids can tell the difference and know your words come from a genuine place.
What makes me mad is when people refuse to see what is actually happening when the narcissist does their superparent role-playing routine. I never got credit for anything I did as a child. This was viewed as normal by my extended family who bought the lie that I was just lazy and incompetent despite the fact that I participated in multiple sporting activities and played piano and guitar as well. I of course internalized all of this and started believing that I really was just a worthless piece of garbage that didn't deserve all of the talent I had worked so hard to develop. Turns out it was all just a lie to bolster my parents image and percieved social status. But good luck convincing anybody else that that is what was actually happening.. Smh
My sister and I will be 35 and 36 this year and we have both gone no contact with our parents. Our parents call us spoiled brats to this day and say we don't appreciate anything they have ever done for us. They can't see that they are holding everything they have done for us over our heads 😢 This video runs so true for how they treat us.
my mom expressing how proud she always was of me kept me confused for a long time. I concluded she must have been loving and supportive genuinely because of how often she bragged on me. I used to love hearing it of course because I thought I was getting real support. years later I started to notice the follow-up statements she would make. “Im so proud of my daughter for going to college.” followed by “all because I raised her right!” and then it hit me that I couldnt remember a single time she complimented me without making it about herself right after.
Mine didn't even bother to fake being good.
mine either
@@donovangray4246 💜💜💜
Haven't seen my parents for 20 years and I'm so glad I haven't. Narcissistic parents are so narcissistic that they would never recognize it. Live is too short, it's taken me years to heal and I'll probably never fully will but better than being still in touch getting hurt and confused, no one deserves that.
Im glad you discussed saying "I'm proud of you" to adult children. My oldest is about to become an adult, and I want to make sure I make the switch to him being an adult (and his younger sibs in a few years). I can already feel it's going to be harder than I thought. I feel like I've done ok with him as an older teen but his younger years were not always easy.
As long as they know you have tried your best and you are there for them anyhow, I think it's ok. No one is perfect and that means there's not a perfect dad or son but there is room to grow and there's an unbreakable bond.
The point is growing up with a secure attachment and connecting safely with your family that will make them look for someone who won't abuse them because they didn't have an insecure or avoidant attachment but a secure attachment with at least one parent.
@@Lyrielonwind very beautiful, thanks for posting
Wow I’m so glad he spoke on the “I’m proud of you” comment. I’m an adult and my mom says this all the time and I always feel some type of way. Then I feel guilty for feeling that way. But he hit the nail on the head with this one. It’s true. She may be proud of me but it’s because I’m doing what she wants me to do and her saying that is to ensure she keeps me under her control.
The gifts was my childhood pain cover up
Mine encouraged and supported my brothers to go far in life, but continously set me up to fail. Things got even worse when I managed to get sober and stay that way. They did everything they could to make sure that didn't happen. Finally moved away while they continue to show love to my ex narc husband. The whole story is beyond belief. My eyes opened to the truth in 2019, and I finally began to heal
One of the ways I “think” I saw my mother faking being a good parent, was that I felt she was trying to affect a triangulation between my sister and I, while she sat back, incredulously, and acted like she didn’t know what happened and that something must be wrong with the both of us. That it wouldn’t have mattered if one got injured and went to prison and the other one killed. This did not actually occur, but I saw and voiced the potential, which was met with silence. I believe silence meant, “You’re right, but I’m not going to validate that, keep you wondering and maybe it’ll still happen.” The reality is that, it not only had a great potential for happening, but in a large sense, after her death, IT IS happening. While I may understand the dynamic and know what’s going on, I have a crazy sister on my hands.
This is the only vid ever I've seen that describes this phenomena. I can relate 100%, what a relief this is to me. My parents are both like this, neglectful, punishing when they feel like it, giving what they want to give when they feel like it. I'm made out to be then crazy thoughtless ungrateful offspring. They set me up to fail, then can 'rescue'. The fake emotions and lack of care and the 'all we did for you'. Spent my damn life feeling bad, unseen, anxious. Now, I see them and what this is. Two children playing house who were incapable of raising another person. The pretense that they're helping you out incapable to enmeshed you and keep you in the one down position and using you as their crutch for their pathology incapable ss not acceptable.
My father had all the goodwill. Without him my mother couldn't have pretended to be something she wasn't. Ab Fab was a great program.
I never received love or affection my whole life but always blamed when my sisters hurt me. I am the scapegoat but my mom always helped me out with money when I needed it and would always say what do you mean we don’t care we gave you money and this always made me feel conflicted
I have grandparents that are like this and I’ve learned it is their way to NOT feel guilt or shame for failing @ being healthy parents, much less grandparents.
It’s like they try to “ pay you off” with gifts so they don’t have to feel or be reminded of what they haven’t actually done in their relationships.
it's a ploy, don't fall for it. Parents that really love you wouldn't throw it in your face.
The money and things is for leverage, in order to manipulate you, because then you owe them, and are expected to say yes to whatever demands are in the future.
As soon as possible, don't let yourself get in a position where you need anything from them, especially not things or money. Be warned however, when you start to close the doors of opertunity they use to hold power over you, they can become more aggressive towards you, as the tactics they used for so long aren't working to manipulate you anymore, and it's your fault it doesn't work.
Thank you again, Mr. Wise. I’m so grateful for your videos. It’s so worth it to recognize how the damage done by my narc parent led me to building my life on the shaky, unhappy foundation of co-dependency and people-pleasing. I’m rebuilding now, with the help of professional therapy, and happiness & freedom come with doing the hard work for myself & healing.
You’re so welcome!😊
I was a high school student and my friend invited me and 3 others over for a sleepover (play video games and watch movies all night). But because the sun went down at 5 pm at that time of year, my mother kept me home saying “you’re not going over someone’s house this late!” (It was 6-7 o clock on a weekend). What was she protecting me from? She was only posturing as a good mother and her rules were irrational and mean. My friend’s parents were fine with having us over because they in-fact were NOT out of their friggin minds.
After watching Jerry's videos for one week so far; one thing is abundantly clear. My narcissistic, self absorbed shallow mother needed a BRACING WAKE-UP CALL. Many, many ... wake-up calls. And someone to kick her ass a few times. Some of the situations that played themselves out in her relationships were very toxic and life altering for another family. She was completely unfeeling and deluded by what she had done. Even in denial over it before she died.
The nicest thing my dad has ever said to me is that I'm no son of his he's a toxic narc he was nicknamed the yorkshire ripper back in day, the irony
My favorite is when they say, "I'll pray for you." When you need their actual help. Or shame you for needing help at all. The codependent needs people who are dysfunctional to make them look good. Wanting love and approval is normal. But when you are dealing with a narcissist, it becomes a codependency because they don't love. A better term is victim shaming. You are bad for having needs.
I have went through this recently. You will figure it out. God will get you through just pray for help. Or, you could really use a break. After watching me struggle with a health condition, not being able to work, losing everything. Thanks mom. God forbid it be you.
I don't think my mother owes me anything. My entire life I have paid her back for anything I borrowed on her terms. I could never treat my child like that under any circumstances. I get angry thinking about it. The last thing I will do is feel sorry for myself
Yes, my mother always says, in a condescending way " I have been praying for you "
I'm not sure what it is she says in her prayers, but I'm sure she doesn't realy pray for me. 😂
They want to look good for taking no effort. They’re quick to take praise when something goes right, but do NOTHING when stuff goes wrong.
Thank you for making these videos. It helps, in addition to therapy, medication, and engagement in fun activities, to put things in perspective when those things cannot. ❤
You’re very welcome, stand strong! Thanks for watching
Jerry, great video! Thank you! What about a video on that confusing and toxic thing: on one side, the narc parent is "proud" of your achievements. On the other, you "strangely" grow up with that deep sense you aren't able to be successfull, you're weak or even ill, you have no abilities to master your life...
Jerry Wise nails it every time. Wish I met him 45 years ago.
“….the solution is in the problem….”. You betta’ preach, Mr. Wise!!! Thank you for your clinical guidance.
My people's pleasing behavior is my auto pilot and it comes because I feel more safe. It's not that I want to manipulate anyone; I feel I'm in danger if I don't please people, not because I want something out of them.
When I need something, I ask politely because, besides being my family's scapegoat, I have worked for the public on the tough side of the counter and I appreciate good manners.
I'm getting tired of hearing people's pleasing behavior is manipulative; it is when narcissists do it but for victims is our fawn response stuck there like if there's not a way to turn it off.
I'm trying to fight that behavior because we are becoming sort of robotics and nowadays as societies, being nice seems like you are weak and a fool but I have been pressured to smile at work in a coffee shop because "I didn't smile enough" when I was sick 😷 and doing the work of six people who were sick too but were at home. I told the manager that if he helped me, maybe I could have the time to smile at the customers; he didn't.
I think the difference is that narcissistic people only are nice to look good or because they want something out of it, like control or to make someone indebted to them, not because they want to bring joy or show kindness to others.
Yes, people-pleasing behavior can be misunderstood by others. I had a good friend nonchalantly tell me that I was manipulative (which I would be willing to own). It was a couple of years later that he understood that this behavior was based on my own fears of not being accepted, rather than selfishness.
I know you don’t mean to, but you are trying to manipulate the person-you’re trying to manipulate them into not being angry or unsafe. What you want from them is a certain behaviour. If you have a therapist or counsellor, I would recommend working with them on this; it’s not healthy or normal to be in fear of people’s reactions to you. A narcissist may manipulate in a different way, but any time you try to influence someone’s behaviour away from what they would choose, it is manipulation, even if it is meant to keep you safe. That may have worked to keep you safe as a child, but healthy adults don’t do this dance. It seems scary, but it’s actually more freeing to have boundaries and a voice. Your passive aggressive comment to your manager didn’t get the help you wanted. And you didn’t feel empowered to ask directly for the help you needed when you needed it. You tried to be a “good employee” and suffer through it. You won’t get what you want through people pleasing, because it trains people to realize they can take advantage of your niceness. Your manager knows now that he can pay one person to do the work of six and all he gets back from you is a passive aggressive comment. He doesn’t care if you think he’s a jerk; that’s a good deal for him.
You will keep attracting people who will take advantage of you. Narcissists hate and avoid people who know themselves and will say no. Narcissists don’t like people who have healthy boundaries around being treated poorly. Narcissists are lazy, and would much rather manipulate people pleasers than work on breaking down confident people.
I hope you can find your voice and confidence through healing.
- Best wishes from a former people pleaser
@@simplyixia3683 yes. It is freeing when we realize that we are not responsible for other's emotions or reactions. However, there is also joy in showing kindness and love even if not reciprocated. Most really need that, not because we want Tobe liked or approved of, but because it's how we'd want to be treated and want to make the world a better place.
Even when I point out that my dad is trying to make it about him, he points out how I'm now trying to make it about me too
I'm always glad I watched your videos. You're definitely rubbing off on me and making me wise, excuse the pun.
I just wanted to say I went to University (I live in UK, so you'd call it College in the states) and did it all on my own. No help from my parents as they didn't want me to go. I had to force them to attend my graduation which just so happened to occur on my Birthday. I hadn't seen them on my Birthday for over 10 years prior. I was told by my Father I could now get a better job..... Nothing was done to even celebrate my Birthday, not a meal not even a drink out. Nothing. Just what I'm used to. It was shortly after I went no contact and had to reestablish when my relationship with a narcissistic partner finally broke down. I'm now over 2 years properly no contact and your videos really help me to understand why I'm maintaining that no contact. Thanks again Jerry
I don't care how old my kids get I'll always tell them how proud i am of them. Im 36 and still to this day i love when my dad tells me how proud he is of me
I think it's important to note that Absolutely Fabulous was a satirical comedy exaggerating a relationship between a whacky mom and a responsible grown child.
Whenever I went to visit family on my side my wife would say, have fun. It always made me feel guilty...now I can understand why.
Yep, everything is about them ... my mother was always concerned with appearances.
I told someone that they was a narcissist and then I realized where his narcissism came from
It would take an entire year to read all i have endured with both of my parents.
You are describing my mother. I am 48 now and still having trouble dealing with her. It is hard!
I love that you love Absolutely Fabulous, lol!
Are you talking about my Mom like that?!? 😂😂😂❤❤❤❤
New subscriber here 👋. I'm really enjoying your videos. They hit home for me. I'm grateful for your help!!! 😊
Although it hurts, I'm glad I went NC with my narcissistic family at 47 years old. That's when I learned what narcissism was. I always felt as if my mother was not genuine. I was right. She doesn't like me because I call her out on her abusive BS.
Thank you for joining. Thank you for watching
The three faces of darkness has flying monkeys that help this along. Even the siblings who were in the mix of the three dark faces dysfunction learn to find the weakest fallen and jump them.
There is a wonderful movie about a son, who was pushed to be famous in piano plaing: "Shine". Very sad and exactly what you are talking about.
Mine would pretend to care in front of family, friends, etc but would shut down again once we got home. They down play any success I have but rave about family members slightest accomplishments.
Oh my gosh thank you so much for breaking down the "I'm so proud of you thing". I used to feel so guilty for hating when my parents tell me that. I thought wow I'm really messed up that even being told they are proud annoys me. There was just something about it that didn't sit right with me. But you nailed it. I'm 52 now. They never told me they were proud of me as a child. I'd hear my mother brag to other people ABOUT me. But it confused me why she never told those things TO me. To my face, nothing was ever good enough.
Now my husband and I have a wonderful happy life. We've done well for ourselves. But zero thanks to my parents. My husband is self employed and I work for him. I have a good life in spite of my parents. Not because of them. So NOW they'll say things like "Oh I'm so proud of you" like I'm a little kid and I should be so happy that they are happy. Like my life is to please them.
I couldn't put my finger on why it bothered me so much and now I get it. Thank you!
Thank you so much for watching!
I never received unconditional praise or apologies from my father. I was and still am a high achiever, but he always said that I could have done better. I initially saw that as his way of motivating me to avoid being stagnant. I later realized that he hated the fact that I had surpassed him in certain areas of life. He never really apologized for anything. It was always “I’m sorry, but…” or that he was falsely accused of something. He could never be wrong about anything and would often resort to violence or put-downs if someone continued to question him. Both of my parents wanted to take credit for my military service, my achievements in college and work, etc. It was selfishness cloaked in the illusion of pride. I realized that they only pretended to be supportive of things from which they could benefit. I won’t allow that to be passed down to my child. It stops with me.
A parent, by my individual definition is someone selfish enough to inflict this existence on a child, for whatever grandiose self serving reasons a person needs to commit such a crime. If you are lucky you get parents who don't beat and starve you.
This is not a healthy or accurate worldview of parenting or families. Honestly you sound like you need a lot of help for your wounds. I hope you get that help and healing.
@@Seliz463 Sad to say, but most children experience such parents.
Thank you Mr Wise, I've always been told I'm too sensitive, but your videos are saving my sanity and teaching me not to gaslight myself ❤
Thank you Jerry. Very on-point in my situation, and I'm 63! My mother still wants to infantilize me: "I'm worried about my little girl," while trying to figure out and judge why I'm overweight. Ha! Her urging me to do things I'm good at (I was good at mathematics in high school) while insisting I major in accounting - which I hated - is a prime example. I'm good at other things too which would have been a better way to feed my soul as a career. She wants a piece of any accomplishment I, my sister, or our children have. At a point in time when I did lose weight, she was jealous (I guess?) and imitated the more energetic way I walked!!
10:17 One way they do this is to say “thanks” or “thanks for everything”, when you just do something that is your job or a normal adult thing to do. It is done at very specific times though where it’s unmistakably weird and on purpose.
🙏🏻❤️ to all of us stopping the blame on us today
Gerry, I believe you have done a video on forgiveness. In it you said " forgiveness is not the answer". We all need to see this again. Sometimes their treatment of us was SO bad that to forgive would be to condone. I personally will NEVER