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after going no-contact I learned that I needed to work on the way I talk with others. my whole life I’ve been thinking it’s normal to give unsolicited advice in conversations. social anxiety makes this harder for me to undo but I’m working on it. I learned that “awareness” is the first step to recovery, thank you.
Awareness is the first step and can be our map for our healing. but self awareness alone is often not enough to create real change. This is why I speak so much about self differentiation
@@David-eu1ms I didn't know this and am probably guilty of it. On the other hand, I don't think I would object to a friend offering me advice if it was offered kindly. But I will never offer advice again after hearing this, David. Thank you. I appreciate it. Any other insights you have on how to interact with others would also be appreciated.
This is a very interesting comment about giving unsolicited advice. I've had 2 women in my senior housing unit do this to me when no one was even talking to them. I now despise them both. I don't know why they even inserted themselves into the conversation. Both times, other people were talking to me and asked me questions about myself and my life and both times these ladies felt it was their place to answer for me. I fault them and the people who let them do it. I wonder why people don't just let other people speak for themselves. I ind it very hard to be quick on the draw. Keep in mind that some of us were shut down constantly.
Narcissists truly are the worst human beings. My mother is a malignant narcissist. I went no contact over 5 years ago now and I've never been happier. She never cared for me and provided me a toxic and traumatic childhood. I cut all ties.
I did the same.....what I learned most recently was that she and my ex husband together had bashed my reputation behind my back for over 30 years...people just hid their heads in the sand instead of defending me
Same I feel guilty sometimes BECAUSE I’m happier. I’m like “what kind of monster is HAPPIER when they don’t talk to their mother?” Then I remind myself, she literally went out of her way to make me anxious and miserable for her own amusement, of course I’m happier away from that
Absolutely. My father controls the family climate with the threat of rage and/or criticism, which induces chronic anxiety and wariness in the rest of us.
Every now and then I gaslight myself and think, “maybe I’ve got it wrong, maybe they’re not narcissistic and I’ve just got it wrong”… and then I watch a video like this and it just validates my perspective and experiences.
They gaslight you so bad you question reality. They will say or do something, others in the family will see it and then they will deny it ever happened. Then if you do have VIDEO proof, its, "well, I didn't mean it that way" or 'You're being too sensitive" or "You are so mean, you can never forgive anyone." The ONLY way is No-CONTACT.
Same but I have kept journals my whole life. Now that I am 45 and a mother of 12 and 13 year olds separated from a narcissist husband. I get it. All I have to do is read the past of what I wrote when I was 12. I look at myself and I do not treat my kids the way my parents and ex treated me. I teach my kids about emotional abuse and we do therapy together. I got my kids early before they fell into the trap. I have more work to do! But I am aware of it. ❤😊
My mother is the pinnacle of Covert Narcissism. Dear God, help me. I'm so tired of being everyone's therapist. I need just one person to be on my side. Just one.
Note to all parents: your kids dont owe you anything. Stop telling them everything you have done for them. Its your job to provide and take care of your kids. Dont expect to get paid back. If you love your kids, they will love you. All these parents complaining about how their kids aren't taking care of them, dont want to admit that they are narcissistic parents
Historically young ones have taken care of helpless elderly ones. In general - actually companionate human beings who can afford it financially and emotionally take care of family members who genuinely can’t take care of themselves. My parents expect me to take care of them (and no they’re not narcissistic) and I will. If some day you’re in need of care, I sure hope your loved ones don’t think they “don’t owe you anything “
@@vtrnn I’m aware that toxic parents exist, but the claim made in the main comment is that parents that expect their kids to take care of them when they are older, are narcissistic. That’s a ridiculous exaggeration. My parents expect it and I would not categorize them as narcissists at all. My generation doesn’t know what filial piety is and how to honor their parents. Nursing homes are stuffing two or more elderly people in one room, are understaffed and and many and struggle with maintenance of their buildings, because they can’t keep up with the amount of residents they have. As long as I live my parents shall never have to set a foot in one.
They will also have children to have caregivers in their old age... fully expecting their kids to prioritize them over everything else. They are extremely entitled and will continue being abusive right up until their death. It’s their way or the highway.
My childhood upbringing has severely effected my social skills as an adult. Even at 37, I still struggle with how to have basic chit chat with adults anywhere I go. Work, on the street, random strangers, etc. Sometimes, I don't even know HOW to improve or where to start. Simple tasks such as leaving my house to walk to the store is anxiety inducing as I am hyper aware of my environment and constantly confused on how to navigate people. It's like my fight or flight response is constantly on and I don't know how to turn it off.
You first need a safe space and safe empathetic people you can call your true friends. Doesn't happen with random people. Find your true friends with activities you're most passionate about. This way you will always have something to say with them.
I understand that! I was told as a kid that it was rude to ask people about themselves. I’ve spent a long time trying to reverse that and learn how to ask questions about a person or something they know about, now finding that that is how to talk to others. Strangers or people I know.
same. that is the singlemost shameless statement a real mother would never say to justify her abuse. As if theyre exempt from being respectful to others.
I use to hear...I gave birth to you, I fed you, I clothed you. etc. etc. etc. that was in the days when beating your kids senseless was ok. she said she kept having kids because she figured if she did that my dad wouldn't leave her. after having 5 boys she decided she didn't want him anymore. followed by a bitter divorce, living on welfare. used as pawns, volitile and toxic homelife. Always complaining on how bad her life was. Used as pawns in court. Now 50 years later everyone is gone. I realize all the energy that went into destroying each other. Things could have been so different instead of so awful.
In my humble opinion, I think it’s been around since our ancestral species learned how to communicate. Psychology is maturing and finally has words to describe dysfunction, albeit about 50-60 yrs ago alone. It’s also become a trend on the internet, thanks to content creators like Jerry. So it seems like a pandemic but it’s been around eons ago.
My theory is The Great Depression… it started with “suck it up buttercup”…they didn’t have time to dwell in “drama” bc the mission was to figure out their next meal. Once that time passed, the behavior never stopped-it grew. Until now… the dark ages of mental health. Ppl are literally sick n tired of being sick n tired-that’s y narcissism is the hot word rn.
@@TaShaBeNz85I have felt this too, because I remember as a child watching my great aunts (and grandparents) act this way and feeling gross about it. I didn’t know it was narcissism back then, and I’m not saying they were all narcs by any means, but I do think a narcissist ran the family and my generation is finally breaking the curse.
you are not crazy.... you are injured (like we are) the same as you would be injured if you broke a leg you wouldnt be "sick" just "injured" and that can be healed.
The template. Bam. I had to say," Mom, I am the farthest thing from mean, and you of all people should Know that". Then i started asking her what made her think she had any understanding of me and my motivations. It was powerful.
I told my narc Christian mother, when a couple of months before she died she decided she wasn't a good mother, was scared of facing judgement, and all the sudden needing me instead of the others she compared me with. I told her to call her favorites if she needed nurturing. She face planted in the hallway a couple months later. Don't miss her a bit. They are of their father, the devil and they don't change.
A narcissist can be religious but there is no such thing as a "Christian narc".....Christian means "Christ like"....narcs are just like their father satan.
My Mom is a subtle narcissist! She parentified me from 8 years old. Every compliment was followed with a “…but…” and then she’d tell me how to do it better! She was in competition with me my whole life…manipulation and blackmail, silent treatment if I didn’t do/say what she wanted. She actually stopped talking to me because I didn’t do what she said for my breast cancer treatment, never visited during my treatment or surgeries!! My successes are always followed by “…just like her mother”, health and mental issues I’m “…just like your father”! I’m 62 years old and just coming to terms with this!!!
I knew from a little girl, that my mom was a narc, I use to ask Grandma what was wrong with her? And she said that's just your Mother.I spent my whole life trying to figure out why I never felt loved by her. She just passed away so I 'm going to let her RIP😢
Curious to know if you wished your grandma had been more explicit and perhaps told you that your mom was a self-centered person. I think it's hard to know how much to say to your grandkids at times like that.
@@64smiles42 I also had a loving paternal grandmother and had these talks with her. The most she ever said to me about my mother was "your family is dysfunctional." This was back in the 70s so nobody knew about narcissism back then.
My mom has used every single tactic you've mentioned, with shaming and infantilization being her favorites. The only adult interactions she has are with customer service representatives. Any contact with her beyond 2 minutes is agonizing.
WOW. I knew it. I knew that is why my mom just come busting in the bedroom without knocking. Never apologize for it either. She have knocked a couple of times but have chose to just walk in with no response for me. Still choosing to invade my space anyway. She hate that I choose to have a voice, try to live my own life, express my thoughts, or whatever the case may be. It produces a tremendous amount of anxiety and possible mental health issues.
same. my mom still will walk into the bathroom or room im in, after aksing her to knock she now does sometimes, but doesn't wait for me to answer before entering. I'm currently visiting my parents, and 39, and theyve have zero respect for my space personal or physical. i am considering going no contact. i do love my mother, but she lives a lie.
Thank you so much you are 100% right People who did not have narcissistic parents have absolutely no idea of what we went through, because they are nice to people outside but change into a completely different persona inside the home with physical abuse, emotional and verbal abuse. You have to have gone trough it to know how it is.
I remember my mother once telling me that I had no empathy for others. Meanwhile, I was only 12 years old at the time, and barely knew what empathy was or how to display it. I suspect that she was a narcissist, and possibly may have had Borderline Personality Disorder, because she was always elevating me and then tearing me down for no reason at all, or imagined or small failings. Needless to say, this kind of behaviour destroyed my self-esteem. And if I was injured or in pain, she would often criticize me for verbalizing my discomfort and was often unsympathetic and unsupportive.
In my own experience, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you stating the real, uncomfortable truth about our caretakers. It is one for THE hardest pills to swallow. How callous, nefarious and for the shallowest of reasons were we intentionally abused and neglected. I’m a middle aged father, since I was teenager I could begin to see it. I had many more epiphanies as I read self help books and saw therapists here and there, but when I had my son, remembering what was happening in my own life at his age continually broke my heart for the childhood I endured. I separated from my family nearly 20 years ago. One of the hardest and best things I have ever achieved. I’ve been doing all I can to clean up my side of the street with whatever I have available to me. It seems to me in this moment that narcissism is the real epidemic, if that is universal reason for their behavior to permanently mess up a defenseless child’s life and health, let alone an adult’s, it’s just gotta stop somehow.
I tried to change the pattern by expressing that some of the things they said were hurtful. That backfired badly and theyre giving me the silent treatment and im going to be outcast like my two brothers. Part of me is enjoying less drama, the other part feels guilt and worry for their wellbeing. Very complex.
I tried to tell my mother once that her behavior hurt me, in a neutral way as taught to me by psychology ... yeah, didn't work. She actually screamed at me to stop talking. Psychology doesn't work with these people. 🙄
The narcissist hates being confronted about their hurtful behavior. It doesn't matter what way you try speak to them. They will feel immediately attacked, exposed and challenged. The choice to ghost you is a manipulative tactic. They want you to feel like you're to blame for their lack of presence. They already know you well enough to understand you will be consumed with thoughts of guilt, shame, frustration and regret during their ghosting phase. They enjoy knowing your days are ruined and your sleep is being affected by thoughts of them. It's a way they feed off your energy from afar. They enjoy the process that will eventually lead to you begging them for forgiveness and the chasing you do to get them back in your life. This is all a way to cause confusion and distraction from the original issues you tried to confront them about. Eventually they will see you're feeling too afraid to confront them about their behaviors and they'll see that as the green light to re-enter back into your life and repeat the abuse all over again. Blood doesn't make anyone family. You have the power to choose better for yourself this time by permanently removing them from your life. They're not your responsibility or your burden. You shouldn't settle for abuse just because you feel guilty and somehow responsible for their well being. Block them and seek out help, whether it be online on through therapy to help you cope and fight against giving into the abusive cycle all over again. If you give in and chase then they "won" all over again. Don't play their cat and mouse game. You're more than capable of choosing to love and protect yourself this time. Self love, self respect and boundaries. That should be the thing's you're putting mental energy into this time.
@DailyDose926 thank you for your reply. It means a lot. The hardest thing I've ever done, and it hurts. I do feel a lot of guilt and want to go apoliguuse. But you're right it will always be under their conditions and ill never be heard or considered. Sounds like you've been through it too. I'm sorry about that x
"Reflect back to me who I NEED to be seen as, keep meeting all my needs and doing for me all I should be doing for myself, _but_ lay low and have zero needs or expectations of reciprocity...and by all means, get outta' the way _(...and, well, just go away now)_ as I enjoy sucking ALL the air out of the room and I _get mine_ basking in the sun. After all, it does revolve around me..."
My mother once shared with me that during one of their marriage guidance sessions, that my N-father stated that he can't help but kick people when they're down. _(Read that again.)_
And if I were the therapist I might have asked your father, “How does that help you? (When you kick people when their down) “What happens to you inside when you don’t kick people when they are down?”
@jerrywise Good question. Oddly, as I think this one over, the first thing that comes to mind is that in these situations it might be putting him in touch with his own feelings of inadequacy and vulnerabilities, so for him, falling back on this maneuver, it acts as an unconscious distraction away from his real "self". Ironically, now that he's an almost 91 y/o crusty man the shoe's on the other foot, always throwing his age around as his victimhood _purple heart shield_ to hide behind and catch a break from whenever he can...whoa is him, _always_ .
'Should have applied this same consideration as he raised his _now_ three _(very affected)_ adult children. In his heydays he was always a misogynistic, _roaring lion_ …a tyrant. _(Why am I the only one who sees through all this??)_ My two brothers _once_ used to, but N-father _(through favoritism, smear campaigns, etc.)_ played the _divide and conquer_ card, and this, _especially so_ after our mother passed. It wasn't long after her absence that the family dynamics began shifting around again and things then quickly deteriorated, even more so. I recently deducted that most of what I ever confided about in either of my brothers over the decades _(pertaining to our father)_ has been brought back to and shared with our N-father... _ya' know,_ sort of how the Flying Monkeys did all the Wicked Witch's dirty work for a quick _pat on the head_ from her _(in "The Wizard of Oz". As I've heard it said, "let no good deed go unpunished" and that "half safe people are still not safe people" regardless who they are.)_ The irony here is that over the years whenever my father has had issues with either of them or when each brother has had issues with our N-father it was me they all turned to for advice. Life in a narcissistic family truly is like living h*LL on earth...one great BIG, black-n-white enmeshed mess. _(Hollywood's stories truly have nothing over the emotional horror within the four walls of a narc home.)_ There's no authenticity amongst my father and brothers and _honestly,_ it's just pathetic observing these two grown _men_ /brothers of mine still kissing up to this bully/so-called father we mutually share. So now, though I see through the three of them, I am the one left the outcast... _however_ they still want me close enough around that I oversee our father as they continue living footloose and fancy free as far away as they possible can remain. This distance from our father on my brothers' parts, I believe to: _A)_ Keep them off the hook from having to invest their _precious_ time and effort into our father's welfare, _(but, criticize my efforts, of course),_ and _B)_ To allow them both the illusion that they've finally reached resolution in their relationships with their father, that they share something really special with him and that _(at last)_ their father respects and sees each of them how they so badly crave to be seen in his eyes. *Of course, this just works for so long, as long as they all keep their distance from each other...no visits, and little communication. I suppose, it all appears to be _working on paper_ and looks good, so long as there are thousands of miles between each of them and nobody picks up the phone. ... _All_ of _this,_ just an empty facade, _but hey,_ what do I know, as I observe it daily all front row seat, living in the midst of it. So it goes, the cycle of family dysfunction continues here in full bloom and still will now, even after our N-father passes. ...Alone I sleep, and alone I wake, as I inch my way out of this nightmare-ish toxic sludge. Thanks for the share here... _('about my only source of working through this very overwhelming, ongoing issue in my life.)_
Growing up my mother would call me lazy, stupid, selfish, and greedy. She was projecting, of course. Fast-forward to now and I'm married to a man with these traits; I married my mother and didn't even realize it because it took 3 years of marriage before I became educated in narcissism 😞
I also married a male version of my mother-to some degree. She has more borderline traits. It took me 13yrs to realize this. He has left me and is now buddy buddy with my mother, neither of whom i have gone no contact with. I have two young kids and they think my mother is “so funny” bc she has completely inappropriate humor and showers them with gifts. I’m not sure how to navigate the whole thing but taking it one day at a time right now.
I married my father again and again! I know too well of what you two speak!! Been No Contact w father a few months now. That was SO HARD, but SO worth it. Didn't even SEE alot of his crap till I got some distance. Then was kinda shocked @ what I'd put up with!! Still working through it w the Mother. She's a Narc too but a different kind than my father. Or so I thought. Now, I'm becoming more and more sure they are actually two peas in a pod!! And she needs to go too. Yes -; This really has to stop somehow, dude!!
@@sunnyadams5842i dont think narcs marry other narcs, so most likely, one of your parents is toxic while the other is a codependent. Also, sometimes codependents can seem like a narcissist because they can act narcissistic and abusive, my grandpa is like that.
@@jerrywise Jerry, you are SO right!! It's taken almost 2 years of intensive healing / reflecting, for me to see some things which should have been painfully obvious along the way. Trauma Mind , the blur of confused emotional thinking, the roar of Cognitive Dissonance, Dissociation and Delusion and ... all kept me from adding certain things up that have gone on for 36 YEARS. The boyfriend, who cracked this whole thing open, took me out to dinner ONE TIME in 17 years! I didn't even realize that till a year after I said No Mas!! Thanks, Jerry.
The guilt tripping is awful because even though I’m aware of it now and that it’s not right, I still find it so hard to hold the internal boundary of not letting the guilt tripping affect me so deeply. My alcoholic, narcissistic father is living out very sad consequences due to the way he’s lived and treated all those around him. And yet I find myself often consumed in the feeling bad for him.
You are most definitely not alone on that... just so you know. Also, you are most definitely NOT responsible at all for his well-being, especially after what he has put you through. I'm saying this by experience.
BUT I can’t find any relief from the drama she creates because I have NOBODY to talk to cause i have no family to talk to she has made anyone that I HAVE talked to only believe in what SHE says not me.Even more so, she also uses my mental disability(I have adhd and autism) as a means to back up whatever she has to say.
Lastly, She also thinks it’s ok not to take but SELL all of my electronics(some of what I had was very expensive)and use that money for herself and “buy food for me”because and in her words “I can sell it because I bought it”
The last time I was able to speak with my father and he to me, he went on a tirade and accused me of being undeserving of anything that I had. He said anything I had or accomplished was given to me by my ex who I supposedly left for no reason but “strip bars and vacations with the guys”. I finally stood up to him and said I finally see the truth Dad, you enjoy hurting me, you have always taken great pleasure in hurting me. It was the most painful thing I’ve ever had to do face, facing the fact that my father and siblings did not love me. Their lack of empathy for me was epic and I had to finally see it for what it was. Thank you Jerry for your channel, yours and others like it along with therapy has been so helpful to the healing process.
I'm a mother of two daughters now adults. I gave them figure skating lessons I gave them violin lessons wanting to direct culture in their lives. They were excellent students honor roll. Church activities. Family outings. The day I allowed their father back into their lives everything went downhill. The father never worked a day in his life. He's a self made musician. Played with kid Rock before he became famous.. Always placing himself in a superior status yet he's on welfare now. He totally destroyed my relationship with my daughter's.
#10: "Projecting their bad traits onto you"...truer words cannot be spoken. It seems like in the N-parent's mind that displacing what they dislike about them self onto a good person kills two birds with one stone. As if it relieves them of their own self-imposed stain while dragging down an other good person _(
My mom was raised by a narcissist and a un-loving mum, my dad's parents were deeply traumatized by war. They once told me they just didn't know how to do it other than with emotional "pressure".
I believe so, I've read adult children of emotionally immature parents and other books/resources like pete walkers book make certain behaviors stand out. I feel like I can finally look at my parents with a critical lens and realize that no, I am not "the problem", I am not the one who is always bad and wrong-- their behavior is actually quite immature, toxic, passive aggressive at times. Maybe the worst part is their inability to acknowledge it and be open about it. That lack of vulnerability, and the lack of ability to "repair" I think are particularly devastating. I don't feel like I even have a real relationship with them. @@kathyspaulding5326
WHEN I LIVED AT HOME I HAD ZERO FREEDOM, STRICT & OVERPROTECTIVE. WHEN I LEFT...IT WAS LIKE ID COMMITTED THE BIGGEST " WELL YOU DONT WANT TO B PART OF THE FAMILY - CRIME ) THEN THEY WENT THE OPPOSITE WAY. THEY ALL ( THE TOXIC FAM....) MOVED TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STATE & STARTED A FAMILY BUSINESS TOGETHER.
My parents gave me a stomach ulcer I had for 10 years. It went away when I moved out 22 years ago. I have low contact for my kids but they are ruining that. They did and still do all the things you talked about and try to have a redo of it with my kids. They are 70 now and meaner at times.
My narcissistic brother was mean & cruel as an older kid & teen, but after he retired at age 62 he went from a spider monkey to a 13-foot tall & 1300 lbs gorilla & yes he was meaner & crueler than what he was in his youth & it became a "living nightmare"!! I had to evict him, best thing I ever did!!
I have a rich narcissistic mom. Every time we drive past a homeless kid, she needed to point that out to us: "Look at that poor kid, you guys are so lucky you don't have to beg for food! Aren't you lucky? You should be thankful that you have clothes to wear. It's just all given to you!" Well, they have a mom. I don't.
My mother was an extreme narcissist. She totally controlled me!! I felt so bad about myself I literally slept on my bedroom floor because I didn't feel worthy of my bed. Growing up in a strict Catholic family only made matters worse. She made me break up with my boyfriend who I was engaged to because she didn't want to lose her control over me. She would build me up only to tear me down As a young child she would tell me she might die soon, consequently I didn't want to go to school and leave her side in case she might die. I could write a book on the horrible things she said and did to me. She finally died 5 yrs ago of dementia and I felt relief. I am 69 and continue to have anxiety
Great so my mom is an overt narcissist and my dad is a subtle narcissist. My dad's mom was one too.. i even think my siblings are too. Thank you for this video. It is hard dealing with the reality of this.
It was @ the end of my 6th decade of life that my Role as the Scapegoat in a dysfunctional FAMILY SYSTEM as Generational Narcissism cycles on. My devout Christian mother lusts for my repeated harm & my resistance to accept that all of my CHILDHOOD MISERIES as the DESTINY for my ELDER LIFE'S end is what makes me the ongoing problem.
i got the silent treatment since for ever..... i remember it vividly from age 10-11where we were alone in the house and wouldnt talk to me for weeks.... i disappeared to my friend's house for 2 days and she didnt even notice.... this is not an error in parenting this is a bad person being given a treasure she did not deserve.... her childhood was messed up but frankly i only regret that she was not killed so the poison would have stopped there....on her 70's and jabbed and the devil still refuses to die.🤦♀️
this made me chuckle. mine were jabbed too and apparently doing fine, i felt such guilt one day for thinking hmmm....guess they got the saline shot dang
This confirms to me that she IS a vulnerable narcissist, and so many things I blame on myself ARE NOT MY FAULT., she punishes me for mirroring her toxic traits, whilst sucking me dry of my good ones
It’s wild to hear all this. It’s like a description of the core of my upbringing. One of my parents has passed but the other is still here and my contact is limited. Interestingly, my sibling exhibits very narcissistic behavior toward me, very insulting and disrespectful towards me, my personality, my career, etc yet still expects me to be there for her because “we are family”. Cut her off, and she’s the victim. I’ve never felt better cutting these toxic people out of my life. It’s never too late.
MOMMY DEAREST WOULD CHANGE MY APPEARANCE ALL THROUGHOUT PRIMARY & HIGH SCHOOL. CUTTING MY HAIR AND PERMING IT. I HAD FINE HAIR SO IT WOULD OFTEN GET TANGLED IN THE ROLLERS. I HATED!!!! IT. AND SUFFERED FOR IT AT SCHOOL. I WAS ATTRACTIVE. BUT SHE NEVER LET ME BE LIKE THE OTHER GIRLS.
I was diagnosed with anxiety as a child. I was even punished for having a prescription for corrective glasses (my mother beat me and humiliated me because I was short-sighted and needed glasses). Back then, no one cared where it came from, and my parents weren't checked. I was in a school where similar children studied, also with anxiety neurosis. Years later, only when the topic of narcissism became so popular, I realized that all the kids I went to school with in the classroom, had parents with NPD disorders. One school friend even committed suicide at the age of 26 while staying in such a dysfunctional family so long. I remember that when she was 16, her father was very possessive (even the teachers in the class knew who her father was, but the system didn't do anything about it back then). The girl was very calm and polite.
same but or me it feels like it made me have MORE of a relationship with God. Desperate for a connection, I feel like God found me when my parents left me!
One time my mother and I were conversing about something and she randomly blurted out. I always wanted a boy/son or something of that nature. I am her only child and that was a bit painful. Another time here recently she blurted out. I never wanted any children. She said that may be about a year or so ago. Then stated I didn't mean it like that or something of that nature. Last year me and her went to buy birthday gifts for my son. As she was handing him what she bought for him. She said even though you don't deserve it. Then she stated to him that she was just joking and started laughing or something like that. It just dawned on me it was like her saying to my son that he didn't deserve to be born. I always saw it as crude but wow.
Another brilliant one. And this was put in such a clear way that summarizes the whole thing very well. My parents combined pretty much check all these boxes. I would just say also for why they have kids. Need someone to feel superior to and they need someone around to blame for every bad thing. A parasite always needs a host.
It's incredible I see my whole past and present life in what you are saying in every detail. I'm an adult, I've suffered trauma. My father is elderly and when I say no contact he comes to provoke until you're forced to react, incredible. jealousy, presumption and desire for possession these individuals destroy humanity
My narcissist mother 83 I’m 61. She never loved her husband, my dad. I said then why would you pop out four kids then? We were her trophy children. She took great pleasure in ridiculing me and putting me down. I was left with no confidence to this day. I was molested by on of her several marriages for weeks she did not believe me. I was 11. She divorced him and 5 years later remarried him and sent me away because at 16 I was becoming a woman. She to this days continues to treat me like a child and belittle me. She never respected my boundaries on FB or phone. So I’ve blocked her on both. She lives four doors down from me so it’s hard to avoid her all together. But finally I have a little control. Ugh.
I long felt that they expected to be able to define the purpose of my life to be providing them with someone to utterly dominate and control while keeping them fed with constant attention and adoration.
Having an audience is so true. We'd come excited from school and would have to sit and listen to her talk for a long time without interrupting. Every single trait you list resonates 🙏
My narcissitic father told me in elementary school that it's not good to be happy because "the bigger you are, the harder you will fall." Meaning if I anticipated being happy about anything I will be deeply hurt if it doesn't happen they way I think it will happen. The happier I am, the more it will hurt. Also, he said it was not good to be happy because something may make me happy but some kind of pain is sure to follow. So whenever I was happy he would "crush" it and say that he was just protecting me. He never physically or sexually abused any of his kids but mentally, emotionally and spiritually he was a living hell to live with. My mom was the empath. Anyway, I can relate to everything you said. Thanks for the video!
1:03 😂 I love it so much. It's about my mother. Ever since I was little, she would sat me down and talk to me about her traumatic life, marriage problems, and other scary things about life. And when I got much older, my father would start doing the same. The damage in me is so great 😭 Very validating and helpful video. Thank you very much!
When i was 18 i played in a group and we got signed to a Record label .When our first single was released i showed it to my Father and he ignored me it and said you need to focus on getting a proper job after that i never talked about anything . Still dont to this day and im 58 now.
Unsolicited advice has been seen as contributing to a conversations. People can choose to take it or leave it. The problem arises if we push the point too far.
There are definitely healthy ways to offer advice, often adults from dysfunctional families can struggle with knowing the line, or even further- they struggle to know how to connect with others in healthy ways that don't include offering advice. Meaning the struggle to connect with others without showing up in this role
What I've noticed in the last few yrs is people often times interrupt you in the middle of talking. It's not a dialogue it's a 1 sided conversation where you might get a couple words out then bam they start talking over you like they're more interested in hearing their own voice than what's actually being said.
I have had that happen to me by my mother. And now despite not being like my mother, my daughter is resuming the role and accusing me of her projected traits. So I feel hopeless from breaking the family cycle. How did this happen? She’s spent the last 3 summers living in tents tree planting in nature. She’s had really great boyfriends. Once she returns to the city she gets obsessed with hair & nails and basically hates me. I don’t know what happened? We don’t even live together. Haven’t since she turned 16. It’s a bizarre twist of events.
Dear Mr J Wise, Thank you for the video. As a (male) survivor of ghastly narcissistic abuse in childhood at both of my parents’ hands, I can't resist the urge to point out that in today's world most people (at least in a typical modern & developed society) realise that it's simply moronic & incredibly naïve to presume that ALL policemen/women must be upright and law-abiding individuals, as there are now verified reports & documented cases of police officers abusing their legally endowed power for illegal or immoral ends. Then, why don't/can't people apply the same wisdom to parenting? Just think of the shocking & horrendous Austrian case of incest that came to light in 2008 where an evil father Josef Fritzl imprisoned his own daughter Elisabeth in a cellar for years and compelled her to gratify the selfish desires of his body! I truly deserve to be called an idiot and a monster if I request Elisabeth to celebrate Father’s Day or if I rashly conclude that hers is only a rare and isolated case! Is a person who dares to assume that parental maltreatment of children never (or rarely) occurred in all human history less insane than someone who proclaims that no firefighter has ever committed arson in all human history?
While my father is now deceased, I have gone no contact with my mother. Long story short, I was gone for home for the military, afterwards college, lived in Tennessee for over 20 years, moved back home and stayed for nearly 5 years, and nothing had changed, especially my parents. I relocated back to Tennessee because life was better in every sense and gone no contact. Tired of it and want peace. My father passed about a year after my return. I found out through a friend. Didn't go to the funeral. Just had enough of it all. Now, my personal life is once again quiet, peaceful, orderly, and good. Back working for the State of Tennessee and all is great. I just want to purge myself of the residue of my life with them. You understand exactly what I mean.
My parents play me & my siblings against each other. Calling us behind our backs, then we would all talk about what was said about each of us. They play us, to hate each other or try too. We get put downs like... If I learnt to drive & told my mum that. Her reply was 'Where are you going find the money for a car? Where are you gonna find money for a mortgage? Etc etc.. made me feel unworthy. Used to it. My mother used to complain about having us during my teens. While my Dad, hit my mother & smashed our house up more or less every week. I've lived on my nerves since I was 5 years old. I'm 52 now. Even when I visit my parents now I have to hide my home & lifestyle. They'll disown me if I did better than them. They hated my other half & drove us apart. After we split my mother said 'But he left you!' They hated him & I was told he's not welcome. Same for my other siblings. They placed a bucket on the staircase to stop us from going downstairs to use our own toilet as children. In their way. So it was best to keep us upstairs. Odd. I know. I live with my mind running forward at 1000 miles an hour. Can't explain it. I'm also a very nervous person. I blame them. I still visit as I'm a kind person. They have helped me on & off but I get all the put downs inbetween. Crazy I know, then I found out my parents are half cousins. So really I'm an result of incest. More or less. Don't know why it's legal for folks to marry a family member like cousins can & do. We were kept away from relatives growing up I don't really know any of them. Only my mothers parents. We only saw my grandparents as children. Now I know why we got stared at in a strange way as children. Cos we shouldn't of been born. I was sudical at 15 years old. Walked on egg shells. At the end of the day I'm pleased I'm not like them. I have 2 children who are grown. They're my best friends in life. You have a family to share the love you carry around inside of you. Shield them while you watch them grow up. Wish them the best in life. I just helped my daughter get married in 2021. I haven't even told my parents she's married now. As it will be a full lecture of how useless her husband is & she should leave him. I spare her that from them. She knows to ignore them. Life eh? All their crazy ways ends with me. No way will I let behaviour like that continue to affect my children. I visit my parents because I do care for them after all that. I belong to God & have nothing but a kind heart, I help others before myself at times. I'm a homemaker & I thank God for that. Your videos are a bit like 'kind' therapy. Pleased I found them 💖.
I hear ya. My N mom pits all of our family against one another as well and we all communicate about the fact that she is always doing so. We are all good with one another. We tell the narcissist that we don't want to discuss other people without them being there to defend themselves and she says "stop being a mealy mouth"! 😂 She is just awful. For many years I didn't know what a mealy mouth was so I recently googled it. It's really a thing. I thought she made that expression up all this time. 😂
If it isn't _this_ then it's _that_ . Jumping through the highest hoops has never been good enough and only ends up costing you even more in some other aspect. There has got to _ALWAYS_ be something held over you; that is _after all_ part of the N parent's power play _shtick_ to keep you in their control as you try to keep jumping though their hoops trying to pleasing them. "Don't feed the bears"...it's _never_ going to satiate them.
"Work on the way I talk with others." WOW! Your comments really hit the nail on the head. It is a challenge to remain mindful on a consistent basis. Grateful to you and all who comment.
My mom is like this and one thing Iv noticed as Iv gotten older is she’s allowed to have boundaries but I’m not I don’t know if that’s something that happens when narcissists go to therapy? But I find it bizarre but when you said they have no empathy that kind of made sense
When they do something to you that they wouldn’t want or let to be done to them and you explain it to that person in an effort to make them understand that they still act like they don’t get it and continue on the same way with their mistreatment and punishing you. You realize then how they have no empathy and don’t care about you and only themselves.
Outstanding, Jerry. You give the most concise examples of this. It is helping me recover and live my life! Bless you for your excellent expertise. Eileen
My mother used to control me by her anxiety, I was afraid to be late at home, even that something could happen to me, an accident or whatever, because SHE would suffer. "If you act like this, you are going to make me ill". I thought it was due to the loss of her own mother, when I was 7, that led her to a terrible depression in a time when such illness wasn't aknowledged and there were no cures. I couldn't know it was narcissistic behavior. She used to give me conditioned love, too. If I was good, if I did what was right, she loved me. But if I didn't... I could not understand why my friends seemed to be loved whatever they did. They were punished if they did something wrong, of course, but that ended the matter. I had always to gain back my mother's love, or so I felt like. This was enforced by my brother, 6 years my senior, who often told me I had to be "educated" because I was a rebel and didn't obey him. He had been for almost 6 years the perfect child, brilliant at school... My father? He was always abroad for his job, he worked on cargo ships, he could stay away from home for months, even a year. So he came home, saw we were growing, good at school, so everything all right. The tragic point is that when they fell ill and died, one by one, I had to look after them.
Oh ... I've come to the realization that my father and mother are the narcissists in the family 🤢 awareness is first step.. I've been confused for a while. But now it makes more sense like the puzzle coming together. I feel ill right now!
I recognised, even as a young child, that my father fed off my emotional reactions. As a result I learned never to react to him, I would rather have died than show my father any weakness or vulnerability. It shaped my life, not for the better, I can’t trust anyone.
Its a shame when you are a smart good kid with potential. Good grades, try to get praise or somekind of recognition from them. Don't. So I must try harder, perfectionist. NoThing changes. Accomplishments ignored. "Oh, that's something you'll never make happen in real life. Oh thats far fetched. Be realistic," When countless other's had been successful with the right parental support. So I'm 50, parent still alive. Ive went so far down in life I needed ECT for depression, the last resort they can do for unaliving prevention. And now my parents think I'm crazy. Its all subconsciously programmed as a child. You don't know its wrong.
My ex sister-in-law was a nasty, evil narcissist. My brother was passive-agressive, but mostly passive...and the narc took full advantage. Once they had their daughter, the narc started taking the kid to auditions to get her into movies or TV, because the narc mother said her daughter needed to "earn a fucking living"...the kid was 4. Narc mother proceeded to spend herself into debt, left my brother, took the kid across state lines and took up with some guy from Rhode Island she had met online. She cleaned my brother out, took everything down to the garden hose, left him stuck with a huge mortgage payment for a house he never wanted, but she had demanded they buy. He filed for custody, cops brought the daughter back to my brother, but the narc mother played games from Rhode Island, destroyed her daughter in many ways in order to get custody back. Told her daughter not to shower, not to behave, told her to flunk out in school.. she would say "if you ever want to see me again, you better do what i tell you". Told her daughter we were all drug dealers, and not to talk to any of us. When her daughter made Leadership club at school, her mother screamed at her over the phone, chastising her for doing well, telling her "i told you to effing stop doing well in school". Narc mother eventually got the daughter back, my brother wasnt strong enough to win. The lawyers gave up. She was too evil. My brothers lawyer finally said "she will destroy your daughter from 3,000 miles away if you win, so maybe its best you just give her custody". The daughter is now in her 30's, no relationships, very immature, drinks too much, still under her mothers thumb
They don’t know what love is. They can’t give something that they don’t have to give in the first place. They give pretend love when you comply with what they want. Definitely isn’t love.
Thank you again for the information! We need to know that what we learned as young person can be unlearned! Can be healed and you can move forward! Thank you so much! Thank you for all the options that you are offering!
All of the things mentioned is exactly how I was treated by mother... She passed away 2 months ago, and I am now able to find peace. While she was alive, I was never allowed live my life without turmoil...
Hello, can you Explain the concept of unconditional love, please? I grew up in an environment where any mistake I made was faced with judgment, blame, criticism, and sometimes insults. I was called names for getting angry but what stuck to me more was the term disrespect, I was called disrespectful each time, I showed my weaknesses or got angry. These people call it discipline, I know it is abusive but I can't catch the abusive part of it, but I cringe and have panic attacks each time someone criticizes me, so I know I have some trauma around criticisms because it was weaponized to force me to comply.
I’d like to see a video in that too. On another yet related note, the quote “no one, absolutely no one, but an actual child deserves unconditional love”. This is from the book the Drama of the Gifted child, whereby the author talks about unconditionally loving an adult is unnecessary and leads to further abuse (unboundaried love for abusive people like alcoholics, cheaters, all types of abusers, users, the envious, etc).
You have good insight. Unconditional love is love felt regardless of performance. I can love my covert narcissistic mother unconditionally, but that does not mean I have to put up with her behavior. Ability to give unconditional love probably is genetic, some just don’t have those genes…like the sociopath or malignant narcissist, or abusers
I can see my narcissist stepdaughter TRYING to apply these to their father who is NOT a narcissist. He is very co dependant but when he started setting self care boundaries.... HE was the problem.... not them...though they are 32 and 40...
I never liked my neice until she was about 12 years old, she was moody, selfish, pouty, all sorts of things...as I now realize it was because of her mother who is my sister, my sister really tried to get in between my neices and my relationship...we actually have a secret relationship so my sister won't feel jealous.
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
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The rage for me often turned into abuse any time I said no talked back or did something wrong
after going no-contact I learned that I needed to work on the way I talk with others. my whole life I’ve been thinking it’s normal to give unsolicited advice in conversations. social anxiety makes this harder for me to undo but I’m working on it. I learned that “awareness” is the first step to recovery, thank you.
Awareness is the first step and can be our map for our healing. but self awareness alone is often not enough to create real change. This is why I speak so much about self differentiation
I have to remind myself that if someone asks for advice and I give it I make a friend, but if it's offered without being asked I have made an enemy.
@@David-eu1ms I didn't know this and am probably guilty of it. On the other hand, I don't think I would object to a friend offering me advice if it was offered kindly. But I will never offer advice again after hearing this, David. Thank you. I appreciate it. Any other insights you have on how to interact with others would also be appreciated.
This is a very interesting comment about giving unsolicited advice. I've had 2 women in my senior housing unit do this to me when no one was even talking to them. I now despise them both. I don't know why they even inserted themselves into the conversation. Both times, other people were talking to me and asked me questions about myself and my life and both times these ladies felt it was their place to answer for me. I fault them and the people who let them do it. I wonder why people don't just let other people speak for themselves. I ind it very hard to be quick on the draw. Keep in mind that some of us were shut down constantly.
I'm guilty of this 😱
Narcissists truly are the worst human beings. My mother is a malignant narcissist. I went no contact over 5 years ago now and I've never been happier. She never cared for me and provided me a toxic and traumatic childhood. I cut all ties.
I agree
I'm so sorry. I'm about to do the same once again
I did the same.....what I learned most recently was that she and my ex husband together had bashed my reputation behind my back for over 30 years...people just hid their heads in the sand instead of defending me
Same
I feel guilty sometimes BECAUSE I’m happier. I’m like “what kind of monster is HAPPIER when they don’t talk to their mother?”
Then I remind myself, she literally went out of her way to make me anxious and miserable for her own amusement, of course I’m happier away from that
youre not the monster, she is!@@Suchwerewolf
“The one who creates anxiety is the one who is in control “
Narcissist rule #1
Which is why it is the favourite tactic of governments.
Spot on!
Absolutely. My father controls the family climate with the threat of rage and/or criticism, which induces chronic anxiety and wariness in the rest of us.
Every now and then I gaslight myself and think, “maybe I’ve got it wrong, maybe they’re not narcissistic and I’ve just got it wrong”… and then I watch a video like this and it just validates my perspective and experiences.
The narc is the one who is wrong!
I feel the same way
They gaslight you so bad you question reality. They will say or do something, others in the family will see it and then they will deny it ever happened. Then if you do have VIDEO proof, its, "well, I didn't mean it that way" or 'You're being too sensitive" or "You are so mean, you can never forgive anyone." The ONLY way is No-CONTACT.
SAME
Same but I have kept journals my whole life. Now that I am 45 and a mother of 12 and 13 year olds separated from a narcissist husband. I get it. All I have to do is read the past of what I wrote when I was 12. I look at myself and I do not treat my kids the way my parents and ex treated me. I teach my kids about emotional abuse and we do therapy together.
I got my kids early before they fell into the trap. I have more work to do! But I am aware of it. ❤😊
My mother is the pinnacle of Covert Narcissism. Dear God, help me. I'm so tired of being everyone's therapist. I need just one person to be on my side. Just one.
Note to all parents: your kids dont owe you anything. Stop telling them everything you have done for them. Its your job to provide and take care of your kids. Dont expect to get paid back. If you love your kids, they will love you. All these parents complaining about how their kids aren't taking care of them, dont want to admit that they are narcissistic parents
For the longest time i thought my perspective on this was skewed. Just to see i am not alone.
Historically young ones have taken care of helpless elderly ones. In general - actually companionate human beings who can afford it financially and emotionally take care of family members who genuinely can’t take care of themselves. My parents expect me to take care of them (and no they’re not narcissistic) and I will. If some day you’re in need of care, I sure hope your loved ones don’t think they “don’t owe you anything “
@@vtrnn I’m aware that toxic parents exist, but the claim made in the main comment is that parents that expect their kids to take care of them when they are older, are narcissistic. That’s a ridiculous exaggeration. My parents expect it and I would not categorize them as narcissists at all. My generation doesn’t know what filial piety is and how to honor their parents. Nursing homes are stuffing two or more elderly people in one room, are understaffed and and many and struggle with maintenance of their buildings, because they can’t keep up with the amount of residents they have. As long as I live my parents shall never have to set a foot in one.
@@vtrnn most definitely, abusive parents should reap what they sow.
@@MrsHousemaam0
They will also have children to have caregivers in their old age... fully expecting their kids to prioritize them over everything else. They are extremely entitled and will continue being abusive right up until their death. It’s their way or the highway.
This is my boat right now. Doing so much for him yet all he gives back is abuse. I'm so tired.
My childhood upbringing has severely effected my social skills as an adult. Even at 37, I still struggle with how to have basic chit chat with adults anywhere I go. Work, on the street, random strangers, etc. Sometimes, I don't even know HOW to improve or where to start. Simple tasks such as leaving my house to walk to the store is anxiety inducing as I am hyper aware of my environment and constantly confused on how to navigate people. It's like my fight or flight response is constantly on and I don't know how to turn it off.
You first need a safe space and safe empathetic people you can call your true friends. Doesn't happen with random people. Find your true friends with activities you're most passionate about. This way you will always have something to say with them.
I understand…
I understand that! I was told as a kid that it was rude to ask people about themselves. I’ve spent a long time trying to reverse that and learn how to ask questions about a person or something they know about, now finding that that is how to talk to others. Strangers or people I know.
It had me wondering if I was autistic. I'm not.
Find your true independence & the famdamnly fog will lift! 18 months so far & 18 more to go. 60 yo & free
I’m 55. And the phrase, “I’m your Mother” still makes me cringe.
same. that is the singlemost shameless statement a real mother would never say to justify her abuse. As if theyre exempt from being respectful to others.
❤❤❤❤
I use to hear...I gave birth to you, I fed you, I clothed you. etc. etc. etc. that was in the days when beating your kids senseless was ok. she said she kept having kids because she figured if she did that my dad wouldn't leave her. after having 5 boys she decided she didn't want him anymore. followed by a bitter divorce, living on welfare. used as pawns, volitile and toxic homelife. Always complaining on how bad her life was. Used as pawns in court. Now 50 years later everyone is gone. I realize all the energy that went into destroying each other. Things could have been so different instead of so awful.
How did this become such an epidemic? It seems like an entire generation was trained to misbehave.
In my humble opinion, I think it’s been around since our ancestral species learned how to communicate. Psychology is maturing and finally has words to describe dysfunction, albeit about 50-60 yrs ago alone. It’s also become a trend on the internet, thanks to content creators like Jerry. So it seems like a pandemic but it’s been around eons ago.
No it is worse, in fact it is an epidemic. Bad psych bad parenting bad school administrator basically it’s the money is everything economy 😢
It's sad!
My theory is The Great Depression… it started with “suck it up buttercup”…they didn’t have time to dwell in “drama” bc the mission was to figure out their next meal. Once that time passed, the behavior never stopped-it grew. Until now… the dark ages of mental health.
Ppl are literally sick n tired of being sick n tired-that’s y narcissism is the hot word rn.
@@TaShaBeNz85I have felt this too, because I remember as a child watching my great aunts (and grandparents) act this way and feeling gross about it. I didn’t know it was narcissism back then, and I’m not saying they were all narcs by any means, but I do think a narcissist ran the family and my generation is finally breaking the curse.
Honestly just get away from these people, you cant change them and they will only screw your head up.
I come here to validate that I am not crazy & these behaviors are abusive. Your videos are a dose of sanity, thank you Gerry!
you are not crazy.... you are injured (like we are)
the same as you would be injured if you broke a leg you wouldnt be "sick" just "injured" and that can be healed.
Thank you Doctor! Mary ( our Mother) used me since age 3 as a Listening ear, Therapist& Target. So Sad.
How about a Reverse? Adult son ( after I said hello in text to his Husband) said' Mom you over whelming us; back off! Bye!
Same. And it always works.
The template. Bam. I had to say," Mom, I am the farthest thing from mean, and you of all people should Know that". Then i started asking her what made her think she had any understanding of me and my motivations. It was powerful.
I told my narc Christian mother, when a couple of months before she died she decided she wasn't a good mother, was scared of facing judgement, and all the sudden needing me instead of the others she compared me with. I told her to call her favorites if she needed nurturing. She face planted in the hallway a couple months later. Don't miss her a bit. They are of their father, the devil and they don't change.
They are of their father the devil, indeed.
And at only 85 my Sadistically Catholic mother has at least ten more years left...
A narcissist can be religious but there is no such thing as a "Christian narc".....Christian means "Christ like"....narcs are just like their father satan.
And they'll feel justified in everything they do. Even steal from their children.
So true
That is true.
My Mom is a subtle narcissist! She parentified me from 8 years old. Every compliment was followed with a “…but…” and then she’d tell me how to do it better! She was in competition with me my whole life…manipulation and blackmail, silent treatment if I didn’t do/say what she wanted. She actually stopped talking to me because I didn’t do what she said for my breast cancer treatment, never visited during my treatment or surgeries!! My successes are always followed by “…just like her mother”, health and mental issues I’m “…just like your father”!
I’m 62 years old and just coming to terms with this!!!
I was 52 years old when I entered into therapy 4 years ago… same experience… even w cancer… it’s not our fault…
I knew from a little girl, that my mom was a narc, I use to ask Grandma what was wrong with her? And she said that's just your Mother.I spent my whole life trying to figure out why I never felt loved by her. She just passed away so I 'm going to let her RIP😢
I knew something was wrong I just didn’t know WHAT IT was ..
Curious to know if you wished your grandma had been more explicit and perhaps told you that your mom was a self-centered person. I think it's hard to know how much to say to your grandkids at times like that.
@@64smiles42 I also had a loving paternal grandmother and had these talks with her. The most she ever said to me about my mother was "your family is dysfunctional." This was back in the 70s so nobody knew about narcissism back then.
My mom has used every single tactic you've mentioned, with shaming and infantilization being her favorites. The only adult interactions she has are with customer service representatives. Any contact with her beyond 2 minutes is agonizing.
Narcissistic parents need or want to have children to have as their emotional punching bags. That’s just cruel!
WOW. I knew it. I knew that is why my mom just come busting in the bedroom without knocking. Never apologize for it either. She have knocked a couple of times but have chose to just walk in with no response for me. Still choosing to invade my space anyway. She hate that I choose to have a voice, try to live my own life, express my thoughts, or whatever the case may be. It produces a tremendous amount of anxiety and possible mental health issues.
I can relate.
same. my mom still will walk into the bathroom or room im in, after aksing her to knock she now does sometimes, but doesn't wait for me to answer before entering. I'm currently visiting my parents, and 39, and theyve have zero respect for my space personal or physical. i am considering going no contact. i do love my mother, but she lives a lie.
Thank you so much you are 100% right
People who did not have narcissistic parents have absolutely no idea of what we went through, because they are nice to people outside but change into a completely different persona inside the home with physical abuse, emotional and verbal abuse.
You have to have gone trough it to know how it is.
Truthness!
"bUt ThAt'S yOuR mOtHeR!" i just tell them to be glad their's loved them.
this is my mom. a lifetime of narcissistic mother.
I remember my mother once telling me that I had no empathy for others. Meanwhile, I was only 12 years old at the time, and barely knew what empathy was or how to display it. I suspect that she was a narcissist, and possibly may have had Borderline Personality Disorder, because she was always elevating me and then tearing me down for no reason at all, or imagined or small failings. Needless to say, this kind of behaviour destroyed my self-esteem. And if I was injured or in pain, she would often criticize me for verbalizing my discomfort and was often unsympathetic and unsupportive.
In my own experience, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you stating the real, uncomfortable truth about our caretakers. It is one for THE hardest pills to swallow. How callous, nefarious and for the shallowest of reasons were we intentionally abused and neglected. I’m a middle aged father, since I was teenager I could begin to see it. I had many more epiphanies as I read self help books and saw therapists here and there, but when I had my son, remembering what was happening in my own life at his age continually broke my heart for the childhood I endured. I separated from my family nearly 20 years ago. One of the hardest and best things I have ever achieved. I’ve been doing all I can to clean up my side of the street with whatever I have available to me. It seems to me in this moment that narcissism is the real epidemic, if that is universal reason for their behavior to permanently mess up a defenseless child’s life and health, let alone an adult’s, it’s just gotta stop somehow.
Absolutely. Spot on about these worthless people.
❤
I tried to change the pattern by expressing that some of the things they said were hurtful. That backfired badly and theyre giving me the silent treatment and im going to be outcast like my two brothers. Part of me is enjoying less drama, the other part feels guilt and worry for their wellbeing. Very complex.
I tried to tell my mother once that her behavior hurt me, in a neutral way as taught to me by psychology ... yeah, didn't work. She actually screamed at me to stop talking. Psychology doesn't work with these people. 🙄
The narcissist hates being confronted about their hurtful behavior. It doesn't matter what way you try speak to them. They will feel immediately attacked, exposed and challenged. The choice to ghost you is a manipulative tactic. They want you to feel like you're to blame for their lack of presence. They already know you well enough to understand you will be consumed with thoughts of guilt, shame, frustration and regret during their ghosting phase. They enjoy knowing your days are ruined and your sleep is being affected by thoughts of them. It's a way they feed off your energy from afar. They enjoy the process that will eventually lead to you begging them for forgiveness and the chasing you do to get them back in your life. This is all a way to cause confusion and distraction from the original issues you tried to confront them about. Eventually they will see you're feeling too afraid to confront them about their behaviors and they'll see that as the green light to re-enter back into your life and repeat the abuse all over again. Blood doesn't make anyone family. You have the power to choose better for yourself this time by permanently removing them from your life. They're not your responsibility or your burden. You shouldn't settle for abuse just because you feel guilty and somehow responsible for their well being. Block them and seek out help, whether it be online on through therapy to help you cope and fight against giving into the abusive cycle all over again. If you give in and chase then they "won" all over again. Don't play their cat and mouse game. You're more than capable of choosing to love and protect yourself this time. Self love, self respect and boundaries. That should be the thing's you're putting mental energy into this time.
@DailyDose926 thank you for your reply. It means a lot.
The hardest thing I've ever done, and it hurts. I do feel a lot of guilt and want to go apoliguuse. But you're right it will always be under their conditions and ill never be heard or considered.
Sounds like you've been through it too. I'm sorry about that x
I tried that too. i explained to them that something they talk about bothers me. So they do it more now. 😠 crazy making much lol.
"Reflect back to me who I NEED to be seen as, keep meeting all my needs and doing for me all I should be doing for myself, _but_ lay low and have zero needs or expectations of reciprocity...and by all means, get outta' the way _(...and, well, just go away now)_ as I enjoy sucking ALL the air out of the room and I _get mine_ basking in the sun. After all, it does revolve around me..."
My mother once shared with me that during one of their marriage guidance sessions, that my N-father stated that he can't help but kick people when they're down. _(Read that again.)_
And if I were the therapist I might have asked your father, “How does that help you? (When you kick people when their down)
“What happens to you inside when you don’t kick people when they are down?”
@jerrywise
Good question. Oddly, as I think this one over, the first thing that comes to mind is that in these situations it might be putting him in touch with his own feelings of inadequacy and vulnerabilities, so for him, falling back on this maneuver, it acts as an unconscious distraction away from his real "self". Ironically, now that he's an almost 91 y/o crusty man the shoe's on the other foot, always throwing his age around as his victimhood _purple heart shield_ to hide behind and catch a break from whenever he can...whoa is him, _always_ .
'Should have applied this same consideration as he raised his _now_ three _(very affected)_ adult children. In his heydays he was always a misogynistic, _roaring lion_ …a tyrant. _(Why am I the only one who sees through all this??)_ My two brothers _once_ used to, but N-father _(through favoritism, smear campaigns, etc.)_ played the _divide and conquer_ card, and this, _especially so_ after our mother passed. It wasn't long after her absence that the family dynamics began shifting around again and things then quickly deteriorated, even more so.
I recently deducted that most of what I ever confided about in either of my brothers over the decades _(pertaining to our father)_ has been brought back to and shared with our N-father... _ya' know,_ sort of how the Flying Monkeys did all the Wicked Witch's dirty work for a quick _pat on the head_ from her _(in "The Wizard of Oz". As I've heard it said, "let no good deed go unpunished" and that "half safe people are still not safe people" regardless who they are.)_ The irony here is that over the years whenever my father has had issues with either of them or when each brother has had issues with our N-father it was me they all turned to for advice. Life in a narcissistic family truly is like living h*LL on earth...one great BIG, black-n-white enmeshed mess. _(Hollywood's stories truly have nothing over the emotional horror within the four walls of a narc home.)_
There's no authenticity amongst my father and brothers and _honestly,_ it's just pathetic observing these two grown _men_ /brothers of mine still kissing up to this bully/so-called father we mutually share. So now, though I see through the three of them, I am the one left the outcast... _however_ they still want me close enough around that I oversee our father as they continue living footloose and fancy free as far away as they possible can remain. This distance from our father on my brothers' parts, I believe to: _A)_ Keep them off the hook from having to invest their _precious_ time and effort into our father's welfare, _(but, criticize my efforts, of course),_ and _B)_ To allow them both the illusion that they've finally reached resolution in their relationships with their father, that they share something really special with him and that _(at last)_ their father respects and sees each of them how they so badly crave to be seen in his eyes. *Of course, this just works for so long, as long as they all keep their distance from each other...no visits, and little communication. I suppose, it all appears to be _working on paper_ and looks good, so long as there are thousands of miles between each of them and nobody picks up the phone. ... _All_ of _this,_ just an empty facade, _but hey,_ what do I know, as I observe it daily all front row seat, living in the midst of it.
So it goes, the cycle of family dysfunction continues here in full bloom and still will now, even after our N-father passes. ...Alone I sleep, and alone I wake, as I inch my way out of this nightmare-ish toxic sludge. Thanks for the share here... _('about my only source of working through this very overwhelming, ongoing issue in my life.)_
Wow. That's bad. And even he was able to find a wife. SHM
You are not the outcast, you are FREE!!!!
"Laying a template on top of us that we have no connection to" 💔
My entire life with my narcissistic mother! Glad I went no contact!
Growing up my mother would call me lazy, stupid, selfish, and greedy. She was projecting, of course. Fast-forward to now and I'm married to a man with these traits; I married my mother and didn't even realize it because it took 3 years of marriage before I became educated in narcissism 😞
I also married a male version of my mother-to some degree. She has more borderline traits. It took me 13yrs to realize this. He has left me and is now buddy buddy with my mother, neither of whom i have gone no contact with. I have two young kids and they think my mother is “so funny” bc she has completely inappropriate humor and showers them with gifts. I’m not sure how to navigate the whole thing but taking it one day at a time right now.
I married my father again and again! I know too well of what you two speak!! Been No Contact w father a few months now. That was SO HARD, but SO worth it. Didn't even SEE alot of his crap till I got some distance. Then was kinda shocked @ what I'd put up with!!
Still working through it w the Mother. She's a Narc too but a different kind than my father. Or so I thought. Now, I'm becoming more and more sure they are actually two peas in a pod!! And she needs to go too.
Yes -; This really has to stop somehow, dude!!
We often cannot recognize the toxic air until we free ourselves to breathe the fresh air
@@sunnyadams5842i dont think narcs marry other narcs, so most likely, one of your parents is toxic while the other is a codependent. Also, sometimes codependents can seem like a narcissist because they can act narcissistic and abusive, my grandpa is like that.
@@jerrywise Jerry, you are SO right!! It's taken almost 2 years of intensive healing / reflecting, for me to see some things which should have been painfully obvious along the way. Trauma Mind , the blur of confused emotional thinking, the roar of Cognitive Dissonance, Dissociation and Delusion and ... all kept me from adding certain things up that have gone on for 36 YEARS. The boyfriend, who cracked this whole thing open, took me out to dinner ONE TIME in 17 years! I didn't even realize that till a year after I said No Mas!! Thanks, Jerry.
The guilt tripping is awful because even though I’m aware of it now and that it’s not right, I still find it so hard to hold the internal boundary of not letting the guilt tripping affect me so deeply. My alcoholic, narcissistic father is living out very sad consequences due to the way he’s lived and treated all those around him. And yet I find myself often consumed in the feeling bad for him.
You are most definitely not alone on that... just so you know.
Also, you are most definitely NOT responsible at all for his well-being, especially after what he has put you through. I'm saying this by experience.
That was my mother word for word.
Same but I STILL live with her I’m 16 btw
BUT I can’t find any relief from the drama she creates because I have NOBODY to talk to cause i have no family to talk to she has made anyone that I HAVE talked to only believe in what SHE says not me.Even more so, she also uses my mental disability(I have adhd and autism) as a means to back up whatever she has to say.
Lastly, She also thinks it’s ok not to take but SELL all of my electronics(some of what I had was very expensive)and use that money for herself and “buy food for me”because and in her words “I can sell it because I bought it”
These are REAL events that happened to me
@user-sn1pr1gs5r I'm so sorry. Someday you'll be able to leave and get away from that. Best of luck to you.
The last time I was able to speak with my father and he to me, he went on a tirade and accused me of being undeserving of anything that I had. He said anything I had or accomplished was given to me by my ex who I supposedly left for no reason but “strip bars and vacations with the guys”. I finally stood up to him and said I finally see the truth Dad, you enjoy hurting me, you have always taken great pleasure in hurting me. It was the most painful thing I’ve ever had to do face, facing the fact that my father and siblings did not love me. Their lack of empathy for me was epic and I had to finally see it for what it was. Thank you Jerry for your channel, yours and others like it along with therapy has been so helpful to the healing process.
My family exactly. No contact at 60 for 1.5 years. I am finding my joy again.
I'm a mother of two daughters now adults. I gave them figure skating lessons I gave them violin lessons wanting to direct culture in their lives. They were excellent students honor roll. Church activities. Family outings. The day I allowed their father back into their lives everything went downhill. The father never worked a day in his life. He's a self made musician. Played with kid Rock before he became famous.. Always placing himself in a superior status yet he's on welfare now. He totally destroyed my relationship with my daughter's.
#10: "Projecting their bad traits onto you"...truer words cannot be spoken. It seems like in the N-parent's mind that displacing what they dislike about them self onto a good person kills two birds with one stone. As if it relieves them of their own self-imposed stain while dragging down an other good person _(
I don't believe my parents are narcissists, but when I watch some of these videos, certain aspects discussed feel so spot on with my experiences
Your parents may possibly have been emotionally immature. My mom got married at age 17.
She parentified us.
Same.
My mom was raised by a narcissist and a un-loving mum, my dad's parents were deeply traumatized by war. They once told me they just didn't know how to do it other than with emotional "pressure".
I believe so, I've read adult children of emotionally immature parents and other books/resources like pete walkers book make certain behaviors stand out. I feel like I can finally look at my parents with a critical lens and realize that no, I am not "the problem", I am not the one who is always bad and wrong-- their behavior is actually quite immature, toxic, passive aggressive at times. Maybe the worst part is their inability to acknowledge it and be open about it. That lack of vulnerability, and the lack of ability to "repair" I think are particularly devastating. I don't feel like I even have a real relationship with them. @@kathyspaulding5326
WHEN I LIVED AT HOME I HAD ZERO FREEDOM, STRICT & OVERPROTECTIVE. WHEN I LEFT...IT WAS LIKE ID COMMITTED THE BIGGEST " WELL YOU DONT WANT TO B PART OF THE FAMILY - CRIME ) THEN THEY WENT THE OPPOSITE WAY. THEY ALL ( THE TOXIC FAM....) MOVED TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STATE & STARTED A FAMILY BUSINESS TOGETHER.
My parents gave me a stomach ulcer I had for 10 years. It went away when I moved out 22 years ago. I have low contact for my kids but they are ruining that. They did and still do all the things you talked about and try to have a redo of it with my kids. They are 70 now and meaner at times.
My narcissistic brother was mean & cruel as an older kid & teen, but after he retired at age 62 he went from a spider monkey to a 13-foot tall & 1300 lbs gorilla & yes he was meaner & crueler than what he was in his youth & it became a "living nightmare"!! I had to evict him, best thing I ever did!!
I have a rich narcissistic mom. Every time we drive past a homeless kid, she needed to point that out to us:
"Look at that poor kid, you guys are so lucky you don't have to beg for food! Aren't you lucky? You should be thankful that you have clothes to wear. It's just all given to you!"
Well, they have a mom. I don't.
My mother was an extreme narcissist. She totally controlled me!! I felt so bad about myself I literally slept on my bedroom floor because I didn't feel worthy of my bed. Growing up in a strict Catholic family only made matters worse. She made me break up with my boyfriend who I was engaged to because she didn't want to lose her control over me. She would build me up only to tear me down As a young child she would tell me she might die soon, consequently I didn't want to go to school and leave her side in case she might die. I could write a book on the horrible things she said and did to me. She finally died 5 yrs ago of dementia and I felt relief. I am 69 and continue to have anxiety
Great so my mom is an overt narcissist and my dad is a subtle narcissist. My dad's mom was one too.. i even think my siblings are too. Thank you for this video. It is hard dealing with the reality of this.
It was @ the end of my 6th decade of life that my Role as the Scapegoat in a dysfunctional FAMILY SYSTEM as Generational Narcissism cycles on. My devout Christian mother lusts for my repeated harm & my resistance to accept that all of my CHILDHOOD MISERIES as the DESTINY for my ELDER LIFE'S end is what makes me the ongoing problem.
i got the silent treatment since for ever..... i remember it vividly from age 10-11where we were alone in the house and wouldnt talk to me for weeks.... i disappeared to my friend's house for 2 days and she didnt even notice....
this is not an error in parenting this is a bad person being given a treasure she did not deserve.... her childhood was messed up but frankly i only regret that she was not killed so the poison would have stopped there....on her 70's and jabbed and the devil still refuses to die.🤦♀️
this made me chuckle. mine were jabbed too and apparently doing fine, i felt such guilt one day for thinking hmmm....guess they got the saline shot dang
WOW...Cliff notes for reviewing why you walked away from ALL of them...
because 3 out of 4 siblings ALSO did these things.
I learnt so much about my own parent because of this, and unlearnt a little bit of shame.
thankyou
This confirms to me that she IS a vulnerable narcissist, and so many things I blame on myself ARE NOT MY FAULT., she punishes me for mirroring her toxic traits, whilst sucking me dry of my good ones
And yes the " you owe me" "you smoke too much" "I only did this cause of YOU" sort of blaming. I needed this video
I ASKED 'MOMMY DEAREST' DID SHE BELIEVE IN UNCONDITIONAL LOVE? SHE SAID NO. AND SHE DEMONSTRATED IT.
It’s wild to hear all this. It’s like a description of the core of my upbringing. One of my parents has passed but the other is still here and my contact is limited. Interestingly, my sibling exhibits very narcissistic behavior toward me, very insulting and disrespectful towards me, my personality, my career, etc yet still expects me to be there for her because “we are family”. Cut her off, and she’s the victim. I’ve never felt better cutting these toxic people out of my life. It’s never too late.
MOMMY DEAREST WOULD CHANGE MY APPEARANCE ALL THROUGHOUT PRIMARY & HIGH SCHOOL. CUTTING MY HAIR AND PERMING IT. I HAD FINE HAIR SO IT WOULD OFTEN GET TANGLED IN THE ROLLERS. I HATED!!!! IT. AND SUFFERED FOR IT AT SCHOOL. I WAS ATTRACTIVE. BUT SHE NEVER LET ME BE LIKE THE OTHER GIRLS.
Dito, and everything else that's been written
I was diagnosed with anxiety as a child. I was even punished for having a prescription for corrective glasses (my mother beat me and humiliated me because I was short-sighted and needed glasses). Back then, no one cared where it came from, and my parents weren't checked. I was in a school where similar children studied, also with anxiety neurosis. Years later, only when the topic of narcissism became so popular, I realized that all the kids I went to school with in the classroom, had parents with NPD disorders. One school friend even committed suicide at the age of 26 while staying in such a dysfunctional family so long. I remember that when she was 16, her father was very possessive (even the teachers in the class knew who her father was, but the system didn't do anything about it back then). The girl was very calm and polite.
Because of my parents, i have no concept of unconditional love. It has negatively affected my relationship with God and people.
same but or me it feels like it made me have MORE of a relationship with God. Desperate for a connection, I feel like God found me when my parents left me!
One time my mother and I were conversing about something and she randomly blurted out. I always wanted a boy/son or something of that nature. I am her only child and that was a bit painful. Another time here recently she blurted out. I never wanted any children. She said that may be about a year or so ago. Then stated I didn't mean it like that or something of that nature. Last year me and her went to buy birthday gifts for my son. As she was handing him what she bought for him. She said even though you don't deserve it. Then she stated to him that she was just joking and started laughing or something like that. It just dawned on me it was like her saying to my son that he didn't deserve to be born. I always saw it as crude but wow.
A big one after never admitting they're wrong + never apologizing is the False Apology and them continuing their bad behavior.
Another brilliant one. And this was put in such a clear way that summarizes the whole thing very well. My parents combined pretty much check all these boxes. I would just say also for why they have kids. Need someone to feel superior to and they need someone around
to blame for every bad thing. A parasite always needs a host.
It's incredible I see my whole past and present life in what you are saying in every detail. I'm an adult, I've suffered trauma. My father is elderly and when I say no contact he comes to provoke until you're forced to react, incredible. jealousy, presumption and desire for possession these individuals destroy humanity
This happens in churches too.
My narcissist mother 83 I’m 61. She never loved her husband, my dad. I said then why would you pop out four kids then? We were her trophy children. She took great pleasure in ridiculing me and putting me down. I was left with no confidence to this day. I was molested by on of her several marriages for weeks she did not believe me. I was 11. She divorced him and 5 years later remarried him and sent me away because at 16 I was becoming a woman. She to this days continues to treat me like a child and belittle me. She never respected my boundaries on FB or phone. So I’ve blocked her on both. She lives four doors down from me so it’s hard to avoid her all together. But finally I have a little control. Ugh.
I rebelled …… i defied my narc parent😂. I went against the grain. So glad i did. Hearing this ….. i know i won in the end
I long felt that they expected to be able to define the purpose of my life to be providing them with someone to utterly dominate and control while keeping them fed with constant attention and adoration.
Just listening to this gives me _warm fuzzies._ Don't you just wish you had a dozen of these people in your life?? ;)
I can relate to everything you said..
Having an audience is so true. We'd come excited from school and would have to sit and listen to her talk for a long time without interrupting. Every single trait you list resonates 🙏
My narcissitic father told me in elementary school that it's not good to be happy because "the bigger you are, the harder you will fall." Meaning if I anticipated being happy about anything I will be deeply hurt if it doesn't happen they way I think it will happen. The happier I am, the more it will hurt. Also, he said it was not good to be happy because something may make me happy but some kind of pain is sure to follow. So whenever I was happy he would "crush" it and say that he was just protecting me. He never physically or sexually abused any of his kids but mentally, emotionally and spiritually he was a living hell to live with. My mom was the empath. Anyway, I can relate to everything you said. Thanks for the video!
1:03 😂 I love it so much. It's about my mother. Ever since I was little, she would sat me down and talk to me about her traumatic life, marriage problems, and other scary things about life. And when I got much older, my father would start doing the same. The damage in me is so great 😭
Very validating and helpful video. Thank you very much!
When i was 18 i played in a group and we got signed to a Record label .When our first single was released i showed it to my Father and he ignored me it and said you need to focus on getting a proper job after that i never talked about anything .
Still dont to this day and im 58 now.
Well, I guess it wasn't about him. So sorry to hear this...
Unsolicited advice has been seen as contributing to a conversations. People can choose to take it or leave it. The problem arises if we push the point too far.
There are definitely healthy ways to offer advice, often adults from dysfunctional families can struggle with knowing the line, or even further- they struggle to know how to connect with others in healthy ways that don't include offering advice. Meaning the struggle to connect with others without showing up in this role
So, Jerry, is conversational unsolicited advice socially inappropriate or undesirable?
@@carolmcintosh5066depends
@@carolmcintosh5066you totally missed the key word here ..that is " unsolicited " . And yes, that would be inappropriate and intrusive.
What I've noticed in the last few yrs is people often times interrupt you in the middle of talking. It's not a dialogue it's a 1 sided conversation where you might get a couple words out then bam they start talking over you like they're more interested in hearing their own voice than what's actually being said.
Nailed it...she had us to hold on to my father
Yikes.
My dad would have left my narc evil mum but by that time he had three daughters to her. It was too late, she knew that was a way to trap him.
@@shabanakhauser1530 They trap each other, don't they.
I have had that happen to me by my mother. And now despite not being like my mother, my daughter is resuming the role and accusing me of her projected traits. So I feel hopeless from breaking the family cycle. How did this happen? She’s spent the last 3 summers living in tents tree planting in nature. She’s had really great boyfriends. Once she returns to the city she gets obsessed with hair & nails and basically hates me. I don’t know what happened? We don’t even live together. Haven’t since she turned 16. It’s a bizarre twist of events.
Her father?
Dear Mr J Wise,
Thank you for the video.
As a (male) survivor of ghastly narcissistic abuse in childhood at both of my parents’ hands, I can't resist the urge to point out that in today's world most people (at least in a typical modern & developed society) realise that it's simply moronic & incredibly naïve to presume that ALL policemen/women must be upright and law-abiding individuals, as there are now verified reports & documented cases of police officers abusing their legally endowed power for illegal or immoral ends. Then, why don't/can't people apply the same wisdom to parenting?
Just think of the shocking & horrendous Austrian case of incest that came to light in 2008 where an evil father Josef Fritzl imprisoned his own daughter Elisabeth in a cellar for years and compelled her to gratify the selfish desires of his body! I truly deserve to be called an idiot and a monster if I request Elisabeth to celebrate Father’s Day or if I rashly conclude that hers is only a rare and isolated case!
Is a person who dares to assume that parental maltreatment of children never (or rarely) occurred in all human history less insane than someone who proclaims that no firefighter has ever committed arson in all human history?
My children were not raised in a narcissistic home. I gave them direction to build self esteem. It was introduced by the fathers side of the family
While my father is now deceased, I have gone no contact with my mother. Long story short, I was gone for home for the military, afterwards college, lived in Tennessee for over 20 years, moved back home and stayed for nearly 5 years, and nothing had changed, especially my parents.
I relocated back to Tennessee because life was better in every sense and gone no contact. Tired of it and want peace. My father passed about a year after my return. I found out through a friend. Didn't go to the funeral. Just had enough of it all.
Now, my personal life is once again quiet, peaceful, orderly, and good. Back working for the State of Tennessee and all is great.
I just want to purge myself of the residue of my life with them.
You understand exactly what I mean.
yes i do understand.
My parents play me & my siblings against each other. Calling us behind our backs, then we would all talk about what was said about each of us. They play us, to hate each other or try too. We get put downs like... If I learnt to drive & told my mum that. Her reply was 'Where are you going find the money for a car? Where are you gonna find money for a mortgage? Etc etc.. made me feel unworthy. Used to it. My mother used to complain about having us during my teens. While my Dad, hit my mother & smashed our house up more or less every week. I've lived on my nerves since I was 5 years old. I'm 52 now. Even when I visit my parents now I have to hide my home & lifestyle. They'll disown me if I did better than them. They hated my other half & drove us apart. After we split my mother said 'But he left you!' They hated him & I was told he's not welcome. Same for my other siblings. They placed a bucket on the staircase to stop us from going downstairs to use our own toilet as children. In their way. So it was best to keep us upstairs. Odd. I know. I live with my mind running forward at 1000 miles an hour. Can't explain it. I'm also a very nervous person. I blame them. I still visit as I'm a kind person. They have helped me on & off but I get all the put downs inbetween. Crazy I know, then I found out my parents are half cousins. So really I'm an result of incest. More or less. Don't know why it's legal for folks to marry a family member like cousins can & do. We were kept away from relatives growing up I don't really know any of them. Only my mothers parents. We only saw my grandparents as children. Now I know why we got stared at in a strange way as children. Cos we shouldn't of been born. I was sudical at 15 years old. Walked on egg shells. At the end of the day I'm pleased I'm not like them. I have 2 children who are grown. They're my best friends in life. You have a family to share the love you carry around inside of you. Shield them while you watch them grow up. Wish them the best in life. I just helped my daughter get married in 2021. I haven't even told my parents she's married now. As it will be a full lecture of how useless her husband is & she should leave him. I spare her that from them. She knows to ignore them. Life eh? All their crazy ways ends with me. No way will I let behaviour like that continue to affect my children. I visit my parents because I do care for them after all that. I belong to God & have nothing but a kind heart, I help others before myself at times. I'm a homemaker & I thank God for that. Your videos are a bit like 'kind' therapy. Pleased I found them 💖.
I hear ya. My N mom pits all of our family against one another as well and we all communicate about the fact that she is always doing so. We are all good with one another. We tell the narcissist that we don't want to discuss other people without them being there to defend themselves and she says "stop being a mealy mouth"! 😂 She is just awful.
For many years I didn't know what a mealy mouth was so I recently googled it. It's really a thing. I thought she made that expression up all this time. 😂
If it isn't _this_ then it's _that_ . Jumping through the highest hoops has never been good enough and only ends up costing you even more in some other aspect. There has got to _ALWAYS_ be something held over you; that is _after all_ part of the N parent's power play _shtick_ to keep you in their control as you try to keep jumping though their hoops trying to pleasing them. "Don't feed the bears"...it's _never_ going to satiate them.
Feeding the bears will only get you eaten!
It’s the taking credit that drives me crazy. Can’t you just be proud.
Not only my dad, but also my auntie and my two older cousins. I had to live with them when I was a teenager. And it was horrible. 😢
"Work on the way I talk with others." WOW! Your comments really hit the nail on the head. It is a challenge to remain mindful on a consistent basis. Grateful to you and all who comment.
My mom is like this and one thing Iv noticed as Iv gotten older is she’s allowed to have boundaries but I’m not I don’t know if that’s something that happens when narcissists go to therapy? But I find it bizarre but when you said they have no empathy that kind of made sense
When they do something to you that they wouldn’t want or let to be done to them and you explain it to that person in an effort to make them understand that they still act like they don’t get it and continue on the same way with their mistreatment and punishing you. You realize then how they have no empathy and don’t care about you and only themselves.
Outstanding, Jerry. You give the most concise examples of this. It is helping me recover and live my life! Bless you for your excellent expertise. Eileen
I'm very glad the video was helpful! thank you for watching and your kind words
My mother used to control me by her anxiety, I was afraid to be late at home, even that something could happen to me, an accident or whatever, because SHE would suffer. "If you act like this, you are going to make me ill". I thought it was due to the loss of her own mother, when I was 7, that led her to a terrible depression in a time when such illness wasn't aknowledged and there were no cures. I couldn't know it was narcissistic behavior. She used to give me conditioned love, too. If I was good, if I did what was right, she loved me. But if I didn't... I could not understand why my friends seemed to be loved whatever they did. They were punished if they did something wrong, of course, but that ended the matter. I had always to gain back my mother's love, or so I felt like. This was enforced by my brother, 6 years my senior, who often told me I had to be "educated" because I was a rebel and didn't obey him. He had been for almost 6 years the perfect child, brilliant at school... My father? He was always abroad for his job, he worked on cargo ships, he could stay away from home for months, even a year. So he came home, saw we were growing, good at school, so everything all right. The tragic point is that when they fell ill and died, one by one, I had to look after them.
Oh ... I've come to the realization that my father and mother are the narcissists in the family
🤢 awareness is first step..
I've been confused for a while. But now it makes more sense like the puzzle coming together.
I feel ill right now!
"Don't you dare distance yourself from me"..."but, I can dismiss you." Basically, you're just a _tool_ .
I recognised, even as a young child, that my father fed off my emotional reactions. As a result I learned never to react to him, I would rather have died than show my father any weakness or vulnerability. It shaped my life, not for the better, I can’t trust anyone.
Its a shame when you are a smart good kid with potential. Good grades, try to get praise or somekind of recognition from them. Don't. So I must try harder, perfectionist. NoThing changes. Accomplishments ignored. "Oh, that's something you'll never make happen in real life. Oh thats far fetched. Be realistic," When countless other's had been successful with the right parental support. So I'm 50, parent still alive. Ive went so far down in life I needed ECT for depression, the last resort they can do for unaliving prevention. And now my parents think I'm crazy. Its all subconsciously programmed as a child. You don't know its wrong.
Mr. Wise, sir, you were completely correct and accurate. You "perfectly" described my parents.
Conditional Love / No Boundaries / No Respect / Guilt / Control / Never Wrong / No Apologies Ever / Projection / Gaslighting / Judgment / 😱
How I wish I knew growing up what I know now! Your analysis is100% correct!
My ex sister-in-law was a nasty, evil narcissist. My brother was passive-agressive, but mostly passive...and the narc took full advantage. Once they had their daughter, the narc started taking the kid to auditions to get her into movies or TV, because the narc mother said her daughter needed to "earn a fucking living"...the kid was 4. Narc mother proceeded to spend herself into debt, left my brother, took the kid across state lines and took up with some guy from Rhode Island she had met online. She cleaned my brother out, took everything down to the garden hose, left him stuck with a huge mortgage payment for a house he never wanted, but she had demanded they buy. He filed for custody, cops brought the daughter back to my brother, but the narc mother played games from Rhode Island, destroyed her daughter in many ways in order to get custody back. Told her daughter not to shower, not to behave, told her to flunk out in school.. she would say "if you ever want to see me again, you better do what i tell you". Told her daughter we were all drug dealers, and not to talk to any of us. When her daughter made Leadership club at school, her mother screamed at her over the phone, chastising her for doing well, telling her "i told you to effing stop doing well in school". Narc mother eventually got the daughter back, my brother wasnt strong enough to win. The lawyers gave up. She was too evil. My brothers lawyer finally said "she will destroy your daughter from 3,000 miles away if you win, so maybe its best you just give her custody". The daughter is now in her 30's, no relationships, very immature, drinks too much, still under her mothers thumb
THIS IS, HANDS DOWN, THE MOST HELPFUL VIDEO TEACHING ON NARCISSIST BEHAVIOR I HAVE EVER ENCOUNTERED! Thank you. Bless you.
Conditional love? How about no love, ever.
They don’t know what love is. They can’t give something that they don’t have to give in the first place. They give pretend love when you comply with what they want. Definitely isn’t love.
My father called me "cheap" in regard to money, when I was 10 years old. Kids don't forget.
Thankyou, I have grown up believing I am bad. You have have given me great joy by validating me. Onwards and upwards Amen😊
Thank you again for the information! We need to know that what we learned as young person can be unlearned! Can be healed and you can move forward! Thank you so much! Thank you for all the options that you are offering!
I’m here to learn if my haughtier is like this. It brakes me to know she is😔 I’m so sorry for my granddaughter (17) now with me. 🙏🏻🕊
This is the closest thing to my truth that I have ever heard. I do mean ever. Thank you, Jerry.
Oooh i love this. My mother would also put me in such a hyper anxiety state and then compare me with her mother.
All of the things mentioned is exactly how I was treated by mother... She passed away 2 months ago, and I am now able to find peace. While she was alive, I was never allowed live my life without turmoil...
Hello, can you Explain the concept of unconditional love, please? I grew up in an environment where any mistake I made was faced with judgment, blame, criticism, and sometimes insults. I was called names for getting angry but what stuck to me more was the term disrespect, I was called disrespectful each time, I showed my weaknesses or got angry. These people call it discipline, I know it is abusive but I can't catch the abusive part of it, but I cringe and have panic attacks each time someone criticizes me, so I know I have some trauma around criticisms because it was weaponized to force me to comply.
I’d like to see a video in that too. On another yet related note, the quote “no one, absolutely no one, but an actual child deserves unconditional love”. This is from the book the Drama of the Gifted child, whereby the author talks about unconditionally loving an adult is unnecessary and leads to further abuse (unboundaried love for abusive people like alcoholics, cheaters, all types of abusers, users, the envious, etc).
You have good insight.
Unconditional love is love felt regardless of performance.
I can love my covert narcissistic mother unconditionally, but that does not mean I have to put up with her behavior.
Ability to give unconditional love probably is genetic, some just don’t have those genes…like the sociopath or malignant narcissist, or abusers
I can see my narcissist stepdaughter TRYING to apply these to their father who is NOT a narcissist. He is very co dependant but when he started setting self care boundaries.... HE was the problem.... not them...though they are 32 and 40...
Disheartening, heartbreaking and disgusting
I never liked my neice until she was about 12 years old, she was moody, selfish, pouty, all sorts of things...as I now realize it was because of her mother who is my sister, my sister really tried to get in between my neices and my relationship...we actually have a secret relationship so my sister won't feel jealous.