Last night the narc in my life reached out to me begging to talk. I went no contact and blocked months ago, but he keeps using burner numbers. He was awful to me for years and when he called in his lost puppy dog voice wanting to talk I didn’t say a word and hung up, blocked and deleted the number!! I feel really proud of myself because sometimes it’s tempting to get sucked back into the chaos for some reason. But don’t do it!
One habit I got into to avoid talking to jerks is to simply not answer any number that I don't recognize. It's a bit inconvenient but I don't have to talk to narcs and telemarketers.
@@sparkygump i used to do that and I wish I could but I am my mother’s caretaker and always receiving calls from nurses and so on. Idk maybe I’ll have to change my number.
@@MadisonWestfield I’d definitely change my number if I could. That would be a much easier option even with all the amount of updating I’d have to give to others. I would suggest that if you do change it and there’s common relationships in your life with him then, where possible, either infirm not to give it out or, if they aren’t healthy and safe for you to be around, don’t update them to keep you and your new number safe. Blessings to you! 🙏🏻💞
Try to spend time around people who do get it, people who do understand narcissism. It’s very unhealthy to be around people who invalidate your experience. You need to be around people who have the same level of awareness.
I totally agree with this. However in a court setting, HR setting, or a mediation setting, that is not always possible. These are good tips for beating around the bush for times when using the word "narcissism" could backfire against you.
That’s often a dream world or an isolated one...most don’t want to get it because it is too uncontrollable, and chaotic and therefore uncomfortable and taxing. Much easier to live in their world of cognitive dissonance because it’s not their issue.
*C - conflict (high conflict)* - narcs enjoy having someone to feud with 😯 *R - rigid* - narcs are inflexible to progressing 😐 *A - antagonistic* - narcs will treat you like you're their enemy/be irreconcilable 😕 *V - vulnerable...AND vindictive* - they're vulnerable in that they can receive narcissistic injuries, and they will be vindictive as those injuries will set off narcissistic rage 🙄 *E - entitled* - no surprise that narcs think they're more fill in the ________ than they actually are 😅 *D - dysregulated* - narcs lack self-control and can Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde switch up on you unpredictably 😬 *What's crazy is all those acronyms factually describe how narcs behave* 😂 Happy Friday everyone 😁
The frustrating thing for me about narcissists is that the narcissist doesn’t see themselves as the narcissist .. they see the people around them they won’t put up with their BS as being a narcissistic ones.. and they gaslight it back onto them . Very frustrating.
@@om617yota8 I hear you on that one. Solidarity to the children who were abused and abandoned and then abused some more for not laying our lives down for our abusers later in life.
Trying to explain to family or friends what narcissism is and the pain you suffered is like describing what it’s like being set on fire 🔥. Nobody will ever understand the experience until they experience Devils touch . Not to mention the humiliation, that awful shame of having to explain to others what you went through and allowed yourself to be abused after ignoring all the red flags 🚩. As a result , we suffer in silence 🥺
Please consider going to a a 12-step recovery program such as Co-dependents Anonymous (CoDA). There are CoDA meetings all around the world, in many languages, online, phone-in, and hopefully in many countries again when the Covid19 risk is lower, in-person again soon. These are helpful, supportive places to learn, share and grow, hear the shares of other members, and find healing. CoDA is a place where people who are victims of all kinds of abuse, people just like us, can find healing and learn we are not alone. CoDA and other 12-step recovery programs are free. There is such a sense of relief to hear others and know we are not alone. Although not specific to narcissistic abuse survivors, 12-step programs like CoDA can be a life-saving. All of us survivors have a right to our own self-care, healing, and no more abuse. Sending you positive energy and healing thoughts to all here.
Yet when I tell them.why and educate them (which is often taking so much energy)..they think I'm playing victim to denounce the narcissist. Drives me nuts
You nailed it... the humiliation is rough... having to tell others around you is hard. People dont understand how hard it is to figure out a covert narcissist. By the time you do, your hearts in it deep and it's hard to walk away.
I've started to look at it differently. I know, and if others can't get it, maybe they haven't empathy either. I know, and I know how to protect myself. Trying to convince anyone else is of no benefit to me and not worth my effort, I can be doing things I like! I now know my worth. Reframing it can help
@@villasoka884 100% agree! Why waste the energy trying to explain? That just prolongs the pain. Now that the fog has lifted (thanks to Dr. R) I see clearly, I can breathe and feel joy. Cheers!
Yes, it’s absolutely like that. We need to be very careful about not joining “the big lie”. Someone is all dark, and we are all light. Not acknowledging our own human darkness opens us up to narcissists and makes balance impossible.
Everyone is a victim. Everyone is a perpetrator. This lady is telling you what you want. All of the psych people make up whatever works and their gospel is a river of unending misery.
This is excellent advice. Most people don't even know what narcissism is. People don't identify narcissism as abuse, which is what it really is. Sell the sizzle, not the steak.
In therapy, I felt like I was put on trial at times trying to explain this behavior when recalling "examples" and "facts". Looking at the forest now instead of through the trees, its a repetitive pattern of behavior. Any vindictiveness I experienced was often minimized by the therapist and it was hard to articulate at the time that this is how this person operates and it IS intentional. I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2018, but I started telling my story and have had the mental and physical symptoms for at least 20 years. The 3 therapists I saw before all dropped the ball. Thank you for educating everyone on this!
I can definitely understand...very frustrating and hurtful when you’re trying to get some help but your experience is minimized by the person supposedly there to help you.
You'd think we are meant to see them to make their lives easier. Growing up I knew they had to oblige to a rather archaic system. And for some they became swallowed whole and live it day by day.... No fu#king way! 👍
I agree as someone who has encountered this but also as someone hoping to practice in the field, I also see so many people abusing this term or just calling everyone this when it's not matching up accurately. I think the big thing is that therapists don't do enough probing and clarifying to understand the frequency, as well as see the "whole" thing. They focus on one tree indeed of the forest and assume it could be other issues like common collectivist culture issues or minor Narcissistic traits which aren't quite as difficult as being in a triangle especially if symptoms are high. I also don't think demonizing the individual with the issues helps especially if there's a power dynamic they need to consider like if they are paying for it...etc. I'm curious what is a way that someone can easily identify this issue since many therapists just go into CPT and PTSD treatment stuff which can help to work through it, but then you just keep getting retraumatized and needing treatment or end up in unhealthy relationship cycles endlessly, whereas if it was identified quicker, they can suggest stuff like this. It's also just tough when therapists can change up or if the issues are minimized, it just ruins rapport. It's also difficult when clients can't identify these issues accurately (i.e., people saying something is abuse, when it's really not can confuse the therapist more, especially if the client has their own mental health issues as well). Does anyone have any ideas on what you wish a therapist would have asked so that it could have been accurately understood sooner? I'm thinking that evaluating dynamics in multiple environments might help, as well as having enough facts and evidence from behaviors with others, that they also see, or even discrepancies in treatment between family members? That or even trying to understand if the client truly feels validated and checking in on them. Like if they're invalidated or feel like what's being described isn't matching up accurately enough to cultural situations or something else, that the therapists might try seeing if this description matches up instead?
Jess_if you have felt ‘broken’ for a long time you may want to look into Complex PTSD. I think Dr Ramani has videos. Also a book ‘From Surviving To Thriving’ by Pete Walker.
That's true, when you use the word narcissism or narcissist, mostly people think that I am just exaggerating everything and talking just by my emotions and I am using the N word like a child as if a word that I just learned lately. They really shut down and don't listen to me with the same respect...
That is positive as long as you’re part of the solution. We are all together, modeling being all together by acting in love for ourselves. Narcissists magnetize to people who have dissociated from their original attachment wounds. This isn’t about “them”. If we don’t get the lesson, we don’t get the boundary.
I think of a phrase I have heard lately--something like..." Don't complain, don't explain". There are so many narcissists around us. It is vital to maintain composure when meeting new people. If you "complain" you may be oversharing and it may be vindictively used against you. If you "explain" you instantly message your lack of healthy entitlement (that you need the person's approval). Or perhaps it is that you instinctively sense the persons potential for aggression and your "explaining" announces that you accept being the "one down" which reinforces the narcissist's control. Of course this does not apply to those who have earned trust and who are supportive, accepting friends or loved ones.
I do that sometimes, I used to say it alot as a teenager, everything was embarassing to me, I didn't realize until my adult years and through more and more therapy, that it was a way to avoid feeling shame from all the abuse I went through. I don't do it so much now. When the abuser uses it, it's to control and manipulate you. For them it's about what they do or don't want you to do. CPTSD is a very humiliating disorder because it makes the person feel crazy or like they're the one in the wrong and it's not the case....
Even easier to remember: Show, don't tell. Don't tell people someone's a narcissist or whatever adjective. Just say what they did. I think more people react to that and come to the conclusion that this person sucks if I just say matter-of-factly what they literally did or said. Then that person can decide for themselves that this person is definitely a narcissist, asshole, etc. When we describe people in labels and generalizations, I think people are naturally skeptical for good reasons honestly. Pressuring others to believe someone is a narcissist just because you think that can be perceived as pushy and manipulative itself.
@@M_SC I don't about you, but the stories I have about what my narcissists have said and done to me are pretty obviously bad. I tell the story and people get it. My most efficient story for my ex is I tell people that one time while I was crying after some verbal abuse I can't even remember, he cooly and calmly came up to me and said "Hey, some guys like me marry and have children with women like you. I didn't DO that to you. You're lucky." And then he just walked off. I have too many other stories, but usually that one alone sends shivers up peoples spines ... forget narcissist he's probably a straight-up sociopath I was indeed lucky to escape.
❤ this! As a nurse, I was taught 2 VERY important things: 1. Document EVERYTHING! If it's not documented, then it didn't happen. 2. You are not a doctor, you may know, by your assessment, the diagnosis, but you can NEVER diagnose. ONLY assess the situation, symptoms, your observations, and what the patient "says" in thier OWN words. This video reminds me of that. Thanks Dr. Ramani
My nurse training led me to document the crazy interactions with the narcissist. Dates, what was said and done, - all there to look back on and see the patterns and BS. This has saved my sanity because all the crazy making is there in black and white.
I feel i was CHECKMATED. Can you please one day do a video on being 'checkmated'. They keep you in the game ONLY to plan (with the new supply) how to checkmate you, even though they try to never fully kill you in order to keep you hanging for future repetitive games, like a cat with a mice.
I'm watching these to learn about my friends parents, im actually the one who helped her understand that she wasnt crazy, and that her parents are extreme narcissists, it took so long to teach her that she wasnt the problem, i just kept reassuring her that she wasnt the issue and i would explain to her the situation from the outside, for example: "Tell me what you said" *I just tried to tell them im happy..* "Okay and what did they do" *They acted annoying and told me they didn't want to hear it* "Okay and what do i do when you tell me that you're happy" *You're happy that im happy?* === then she realizes its not her. Please, if you have a friend being raised or living in the same house as narcissist parents you need to make sure they understand that they are not the problem, they arent doing anything wrong, they need that reassurance because they're torn down on a daily basis, give them a rock to hold onto when the waves try to wash them away, give them a safe place till they can move out on their own.
This is REALLY IMPORTANT, because as I’ve said before, you start using words like hoover and flying monkeys and someone’s going to think you’re cookoo. Using some of the commonly-used terminology, in regards to narcissism is a public invite to being gaslit, minimized and even discarded by whomever and whatever entity you’re trying to convey your situation to.
@@tenzen8334 Yep, it’s as if, the moment you say “narc” people act like the narcissist has a problem - and you’re that problem. I don’t speak at all about it anymore. You start to realize that, even when a person says, “That’s just HORRIBLE! I’m glad you left!”, they are waiting, with baited breath, for you to get back in the situation. Especially so, if you have an aging parent. People are so brainwashed by filial piety that, even if they really like you and have never met your parent, they can’t even see you, for the worry you aren’t doing right by an abusive parent. It’s sickening!
@@privateprivate8366 SPOT ON! I've stopped talking about it to anyone except my counselor. People are just so trained to defend parents, nomatter what.
@@themaggattack if they actually even saw that parent with a gun to your head, they’d chastise you for pointing it out and running for your life and would derive, from that alone, that you must deserve it. When it comes to dealing with having an abusive, narcissistic parent, you may as well be an escaped slave.
And then the listener turns into a flying monkey and betrays you. My ex used to cut my neighbour's grass. It was very anxiety producing last year. He'd cut the grass then show up at my back door. I had to keep the doors locked all summer because if I didn't answer, he'd let himself in!!! This year, my neighbout queried me about who was going to cut her grass. I asked her to "please not hire X again". When she responded with WHY?, (in a contrite way) I should have caught on..... I told her "he makes me anxious and uncomfortable, my anxiety goes away up.., and after 15 months he shouldn't still be hanging around,.......please don't hire him". She went and called him about the job!! What a miserable, petty, nasty, untrustworthy thing to do! He's just transient, but I live next door. I've helped her out a lot. But that has just ended. She fits what Dr Carter calls a Stealth Narcissist to a T.
The line in “The Misfits” when Marilyn Monroe’s character says when she is rehearsing her divorce speech “can’t I just say he wasn’t there? I’de rather live alone if I’m going to be alone”. Another great acronym (D.E.E.P.) !
@@liviamoreiralima3536 one of Dr. Ramani's other videos: Go D.E.E.P. with a narcissist: 1. don't Defend 2. don't Explain 3. don't Engage 4. don't Personalize I try to practice this like a daily prayer/reminder. It can be hard but there is much wisdom in the DEEP technique for dealing with narcs.
My ex was one of the most vindictive person I have ever known.If I ever stood my ground on anything, they would retaliate. Not right away, but later that day or sometime after a few days. It took me a while to realize that the dealayed revenge was part of her anger pattern. Life was literally a non stop roller coaster ride. I am grateful it is over.
True, when i went for therapy(later realised that that therapist was crap after spending alot of money!) The therapist didnt give into my claim that my mother is a narcissist, instead she told me i cud be the one who is the "narcissist" Possibly. Now, imagine that for the daughter of a narcissist! who already self doubts each n everything she feels or thinks🤷♀️!
@@Darkangel03975 hi i think i do get the plot of what u hav just described but can u plz edit and correct the typos as i wud like to understand ur writing better?
C - conflict R - rigid A - antagonistic V - vulnerable/victimized/vindictive E - entitled D - disregulated Thanks Dr. Ramani, this is a great topic! This gives us a solid framework for describing narcissistic people without saying the word. I've benefitted very much from the DEEP acronym and appreciate you sharing this one.
Wonderful acronym. We can add: C- conflict: competitive without care or compromise R- rigid without remorse or responsibility A - antagonistic with apathy to assault or attack by Any means V - vendictive and void of losing. venerated to show no vulnerability E - entitled w empty empathy or endearing care D - dysregulated to deceive, denounce and destroy designated person bc they decide they deserve destruction
Perfect video. I have noticed people think of narcissism as a person always taking selfies and don’t really get the depth of it. Even when people say they understand they will say or do something that makes it clear they still regard the narcissist as a regular person that can be reasoned with.
Mine is H.U.R.T. If Honesty Understanding Respect & Trust are in effect at all times, no one gets hurt. A narcissist, sadly, can't give you any of those things. Mourn the loss and give up hope. I was relentless in trying to get through to the many narcissists I've come across, been raised by, had children with. They are endlessly rigid. I have "poked the bear " so many times, as a truth teller/scapegoat. It is miraculous that my resilience has been unshakeable after so much trauma. My willingness to be codependent early, would get me trapped. I will get away. I will get to feel safe for the first time in almost 3 decades. 3 decades of trauma and bombs going off. Tons of joy in some of those times, but no safety. I am so close to freedom. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing this! May Almighty God continue to give you strength and courage in your new journey of great hope, health, and healing! Love and Blessings ✝️🌺♥️
Really, really needed this knowledge 18 years ago in family court. Still have disturbing memories of the magistrate asking, words like, whats wrong here, & me exhaling, head swimming a little, & replying "Where do I start?"
Worse yet, the "when" sometimes didn't even happen. My sister is trying to punish my mom for things that "happened" years ago that didn't even happen, she just clams it did. Now... my mom did fail her as a kid, but that's a completely different story, and mom was young, trying to raise three kids, with an unemployed narcissistic husband, her family of origin on her back, and a relatively small wage, it wasn't exactly easy for her either.
@@MultiSenhor It can go both ways, my mom couldn’t malign her brother enough for acting out resentments towards their parents, and then starts “getting even” with me as an adult for triggering her self-consciousness as an inquisitive child. Drawing the parallel for her (predictably) didn’t go well for me.
@@MultiSenhor their minds perceive and filter events and experiences largely as threats that don’t always align with reality. No capacity for empathy or genuine compassion either … thus no forgiveness for human failings
I think that is a perfect template for a kind of bucket list: Write down for every C.R.A.V.E.D point several examples w.r.t. to the narcissist in question and you have memorised the perfect outline to be presented to anybody interested - not only explaining your situation but also have them experience this through your examples in a complete picture.
Exactly its important to give examples under each letter of CRAVED...because even clinical psychologists don't like us using it as a buzz word, even if we KNOW by now clearly what is narcissism
I really could have used this 3 years ago when I went for my divorce and trying to get full custody. I was so beaten at time I didn't get anything I really wanted, because I could barely function. Thanks for your video! I hope this helps anyone out there who's going through the courts right now. Thanks!
Praying for you.🙏🏻💞 I’ve been going through it for 15 years. First sole custody was “won”, but the long game continued...creating a false narrative of blame and character assassination. Lost my children after 12 years...they never quit. So much trauma, destruction and chaos. These people are murderers from the inside out.
@Tina Marie We always get what we are seeking for. Women like self-confident male's who knows what they want and who stick to their opinion no matter what others say, right ? It gave you image of a strong man, and woke up butterflies in your stomach right ? Then you got what you wanted, a man that sticks to his opinion no matter what others say. Why do you think that most narcissists are males ? Because women like such males until they know them better, but everything has it's price.
@@Temporalplace Women are not a monolith. I, for one, don't like don't like ANYONE who is so pig-headed that they NEVER change their opinion, given new information. I don't care what gender they are. Also, sure, the studies show that most narcessists are males, but that's only *diagnosed* narcessists. There are a WHOLE LOT of *UN*diagnosed covert narcessists out there, many of whom are female. In reality, narcessism is anyone's game. "We always get what we are seeking for" is victim blaming. Besides, if that were true, there would be a lot more rich, successful, talented, etc.. People out there in the world. And certainly no one would be living in slavery or destitution. Sometimes we get borne into or pushed or tricked into a bad situation that we weren't seeking for.
@@themaggattack "is victim blaming" Why can't anyone blame a victim if its really result of his choice ? There is no point to blame a lion or tiger after you entering his cage, because it was something avoidable.
It’s amazing how unknown or buried narcissism is. I’ve had two therapists dodge the idea. Or downplay it. Obviously I know longer seek their services.. 😉
Spot on. The moment I mentioned to my counselor, "I believe I'm dealing with a narcissist." She stopped me right there and said, "no name calling." I felt so defeated.
I'm actually going to be getting questioned by a guy from my local Adult Protective Services today about my relationship with my mom. I think it'll be good for me to use this acronym. 😌
@@dreamdiction Hey there. I actually wrote out everything in a Google Keep Notes, uhh, note (lol) after everything was over. I'll copy paste what I wrote below, and try to edit out my brother's name (if I miss a spot, I am so sorry 😅). July 9, 2021, 10:05pm: Alright, I had an interview with a guy from my town's local adult protective services, named John, with my brother, and a family friend named Sandy. We all went to the backyard of my house, while my mom stayed inside the house (she couldn't join because John had allegations against her, so he wanted to interview me and my brother without her being there to possibly influence us). Sandy mostly listened, but she did speak to answer questions about her opinion on what we were talking about. John asked us about the allegations, and we all answered truthfully according to what we knew and/or remembered. He asked if mom had touched me inappropriately, even naming specific places on the body, and I answered by saying all the times I remembered her touching those areas, how I felt about it, how I responded when I felt brave enough to speak up to her about it, and what mom did in response to me doing so. John then asked if we were afraid of our mom, and we said yes, because of her anger, being prone to yelling and cursing, and the fact she's threatened to both kick us out when she knows full well we couldn't take care of ourselves 100% if she did, and use her power of attorney over us to restrict and/or take away things like our money and medications. John then asked if we felt like wanting to move out of the house, and we both said yes, because of how controlling she currently is with things of ours like clothes and looks. John asked if we knew how to handle our finances, and we said no, because mom does them all for us. He asked if we wanted to learn how to do things on our own, like handling finances and cooking, and we said yes, but we don't want to be taught by mom, mainly because of her pessimism, and low patience. He asked if we wanted to get a social worker/caregiver in to help teach us those things, and at first we said no, because of mom's distrust in people and her tendency to yell and curse whenever we've done or bought something, with previous social workers, that she didn't like, no matter how small of a thing it was, even though we should be able to have the ability to spend a certain amount of our own money we want on whatever we want, and not be punished for it. John then gave another solution to stay in a foster care home, but with the drawback of that being where our lives stop improving if we did, so we disagreed with that option. Since we didn't want that, and didn't know how to take care of ourselves if we were to move out right away, we decided to stick with trying to find a social worker to help teach us things now, and eventually go to a college-like (but not actually a college) program to learn some IT skills sometime later this year (which we were originally planning on doing before the interview). We then went back inside and John gave a small summary to mom of what we said, which only included the fact that we wanted a social worker to come in to help teach us things, and that we were wanting to learn how to be more independent. Sandy did the same as John, and only mentioned those things, and not the things we were afraid of mom knowing. Although, the reasons John gave for the things he said were that we "felt trapped in the home", and that mom needed to teach us more about the things she was doing for us. Mom then responded by saying that she WAS in fact teaching us things, but we were refusing to follow through, or even refusing to learn some things (which is "technically" true, but we usually "refused" because of the WAY mom was ACTING when she was telling us to do things and tried to teach us things, which discouraged me from wanting to do them and/or be taught by her, and NOT the FACT she was doing them. But I can't tell her the real reason why, because then she'd take it personally, and use the yelling, cursing, and threatening to get her way no matter if we liked it or not). Mom also mentioned that we told her before that we didn't want a social worker (although she forgot the part where we said we didn't want one NOW during that time, but we're fine with getting one in AUGUST, the second half of which we said again today). John then left, as he had to go to another client, and said he'll see if he can try and get a social worker to come in. After that, mom had went over the same things she told John, and Sandy went over the same things John told mom, before leaving. A little over an hour later, mom had started expressing her anger (like she usually does), and saying how much she hated the situation. She claimed that John, as well as Sandy now (at least accounting to mom), believed that she was "being too nice" to us by doing so much for us, that she needed "be harder on us from now on" (Oh dear), and that the two of them were "too American" because she believes they thought that the fact she slept in the same bedroom as me and my brother (but in separate beds) meant that she was being too controlling, when to her, it's simply a Filippino tradition, because she's from the Philippines (even though the reasons she gave me and my brother in the past for that was because at an earlier age, we wanted her to, but when we got older and mentioned we wanted her to go back to her room, she said that she herself wasn't ready yet, and that she even liked it down in our bedroom.) She also mentioned that it we keep "refusing" to learn, then she'll not only have to write it down and document it to show it to John, but that she'd also be the one to get in trouble for it because everything falls back on her, that "It will be YOUR FAULT if 'I' get in trouble!". To fix that, she finally moved back up to her room, and said that WE will be the ones to get a social worker, and that we WILL learn how to cook more. She also mentioned that she wasn't angry at us, which even if it is true, I still felt like she definitely took that anger out on us. I myself got pretty mad at the way she expressed it to us, but unlike her, I didn't let a single bit of it out, because I know if I expressed just a tiny amount of what she did (or even if I just did or said something she only THOUGHT was that, but actually wasn't, with no one else being around to judge that but her alone) she'd then use the tactic of threats that I mentioned earlier. And I'm afraid if I pushed her further, she may actually follow through on said threats.
Jane! Girl you’re the smartest!!!! Really. I could not have even processed all of that while I was living at home w a narc mother. So good to hear that you live in a county where social workers are paying attention, and trying to do a great job for you. Kudos to you for reaching out for help, listening to suggestion, and changing your mind about getting a case worker of your own to help not ONLY you, but your brother also. 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼🌺 There is NO POSSIBLE WAY I could’ve done that when I was in your situation! I just became angry , and was soooooo immature until I was approx 32!! I finally realized I needed some guidance and went to a codependency meeting like Al- Anon. It was called Gam Anon for friends and family of compulsive gamblers. GREAT JOB , JANE. GOOD FOR YOU!!! And good looking-out for your brother, also. You’re gonna be JUST FINE. Keep up the good work and take care of YOURSELF!!! Wishing you peace and love❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️🌸🌸🌸🌸
Thanks again Dr Ramani, I had already thought of NOT using the word anymore or as much. Someone in my family said, when I used the word, "Well you're not a doctor and you can't really diagnose then" and I thought, "Well the word I use is really beside the point" It made me feel invalidated, judged and powerless all over again!!! And I actually thought I would instead say this like. "Dr Ramani really helps me in dealing with and understanding THIS KIND of person" Oh maybe they're NOT a narcissist BUT listening to Dr Ramani just happens to help!!!! LOL
You have helped SO MUCH.....I always soft-pedaled my marriage.....great guy....but tough......he was way WORSE than tough.....he was a narcissist.....impossible to communicate with or resolve issues.
*Taking this approach has saved my life!* Thank you!! Never call out the narcissism, gaslighting, and manipulation by name; describe what actually happens. This makes ALL the difference. People who understand the terms will recognize your descriptions and know what you're talking about. For people who DON'T understand.. well, the terms would have been lost on them, but the descriptions are still meaningful.
Going through a divorce, this has made all the difference. She calls me a narcissist and accuses me of gaslighting without explanation, assuming people will just believe her. I describe the actual events without judgement or labeling, allowing people to draw their own conclusions.
Here are two words that I realized in this journey of getting myself back as a person. I never had accountability and understanding. I have come to understand that caused me to deflect and blame others and also be angry. It has taken me 50 years to rebuild a foundation that has some good in it and thanks to my therapist and you Dr. Ramani, I know that it will be even better and I can be at peace as a person in the next 50 years. 😊🙏❤️
It seems like people in general should start being more accepting of the term "narcissistic abuse" in the workplace and other environments because it's such a helpful term as far as understanding the very specific type of treatment one is encountering. It seems that narcissistic abuse can come from any person who might be clinically diagnosed with any of the Cluster B personality disorders or something else, so it doesn't mean you're diagnosing that person; you're simply identifying the TYPE of abuse that you're experiencing. 🙏 Your content is extremely appreciated as always! I'm one of the many people whose lives you've changed. You and my psychiatrist have helped me see the light. Thank you! 🙏
This is spot on! Perfectly describes my ex-husband. I wonder why there is such a negative attitude towards the word “narcissist.” It’s a shame, because it is a real personality disorder that has traumatic effects on victims of narcissistic abuse. It is not something that is made up! As always, thank you, Dr. Ramani, for explaining things so clearly.
Because the entire system is narcissistic and most of the people in power are CLuster Bees. They have manipulated the minds of the masses to dismiss the truth in almost every form.
Dysfunctional childhood, dysfunctional marriage…. I can’t believe that I’m learning about how a healthy relationship should look like at the age of 55. Is it too late ?
Found a new therapist because I felt like my previous one didn’t have the right background and was giving my suspected narc too much credit. So grateful to you, Dr. Ramani. You are giving us all so much strength!
I had been trying for years. I still haven’t found one. If you say you were in a abusive relationship they act as if YOU are suspect. I was actually asked by therapist conducting a required interview for medical purposes, “What did YOU do to them?” I would NEVER consult with that therapist even if I needed her while I was going through treatments.
Thank you Dr Ramani. I have found even with family and friends they dont really seem to agree that my ex is a covert narcissist. Because it's sometimes so difficult to explain. They did not see the side behind closed doors scenario. I protected my children when small and also because I believed it was me. Thank heavens that is no longer the case for me.
Thank you! I needed to be pulled back into reality today! After 4 decades of this crap, I tend to wander off track and not putting myself FIRST! Thanks for grabbing the wheel Dr. Ramani!!
This explains a few people I've had in my life. Argumentative, uncompromising, mean, two-faced, contemptious, revengeful, completely devoid of self-awareness in any way, shape, or form, and with the temper of a three year old.
This is very helpful. In addition, the communal narcs in my workplace usually manipulate others to fight instead of them. They sic their attack dogs on you because they got to remain benevolent.
Very helpful! The shift in being understood vs. appearing "judgmental". When I shifted to a calmer place and had better language, I got better support and help. Wish I had this 6 years ago! But so very very happy to have it NOW!
I think this was extremely helpful! the word "narcissist" has lost it's meaning because it's misused a lot. I usually hear the person doing the harm using it to invalidate their target. Also, people don't really know what it really means. Thank you for this!
I had both narcissistic siblings, parents and my ex husband. And I've struggled with my own issues regulating my emotions. And I'm struggling with no thinking I'm a total monster too. I feel like I did a lot of narcissistic behavior but also care and see it and have worked to fix it. But idk how to not feel shitty about myself and not let others use past actions to define me now
Bless your heart I understand! I also had Narcissistic parents, siblings and my ex husband, last relationship, and many ex Narc friends. All screwed me over. I am also struggling with my own issues. I am able to love myself and not settling for BS anymore but I'm so traumatized by the abuse I have no desire for a relationship again. Don't think I can trust anyone again especially after being abandoned with a baby and child when my Narc husband ran away with another girl. I'm stuck being a single Mom and it's hard. I choose to invest in myself instead of wasting it on toxic people. Other people who help me look them up, Richard Grannon, Aaron Doughty, Evy Pompouras, and David Goggins. Love and hugs to you, believe in yourself you're worth it and don't settle and pay attention to your gut feeling, if you get a bad feeling about someone cut them off! 💜❤️🤍
My mother is so rigid it’s unbelievable, also conflict driven and sees herself as a victim. I just had something good happen with my career and she had to bring up that 45 years ago she never got a raise. Oh yea she’s also incredibly reactive. She will jump to rage in a second out of nowhere.
This is so in time, because im finally reaching out for help and was thinking how to sum this up to explain what I'm going through. Thank you soooo much for this video! 🙏
@@DelphineTheWorstBladeEver Thank you dear! I am scared within myself. But I'm not showing it to outside. Especially when i think : what if they don't belive me, what it they think I'm exaggerating.. Etc. I'm scared, real scared he will try to make me the violent, because i have thrown things like pillows and coffee on him when i would lose my plot becsuse he'd never let go until i break. I regret so much for reacting that way, because he will most definitely use it against me. He might even try to take my baby off me.. Im terrified to death now. I'm just starting to bring this to the surface and get help. And I'm sure he will say im crazy and lazy, dangerous and what not. I'm not looking forward to it. I'm scared, but I'm still doing it.
@@sabat8068 omg, I used to do the same, I would throw things at him n then think I m evil. Until last year, after 40 yrs of marriage I decided I will not be gaslighted. I started meditation n would just leave the room. I totally distance myself from him and then he went for my friends, started becoming nasty to me in front of them n behave rudely with them. I have now had enough, I hv left home but want to be totally free from his clutches. Hopefully my dream of freedom will come soon. You hang in there and don’t waste your life, take the kid and go… good luck.❤️
This is something massively useful for me. I can't say this to my psychiatrist. C -- high conflict, always looking to fight, bait, blow up R -- rigid. Healthy = flexible. N = b&w thinking A -- antagonistic V = vulnerable & vindictive & victimised E = entitled, believes VIP is their right even when not D = disregulated, very quick to anger, changes in instant Despite being a therapist for almost a decade, my psychiatrist after my nervous breakdown has used my description of "X is narcissistic", has been used as evidence I have a personality disorder myself.... I was reacting at times to the narcissism abuse, last straw stuff, but saying that, was to my detriment. Thank you a million times!
Dr. Ramani, watching your videos over the past 6 or so months has been life-changing. I am in my mid-fifties and still deal almost on a daily basis with my main narcissist who is a very close family member. This person has caused damage to not only me, but also, directly and indirectly, to my adult children. Before, I was never really armed or able to effectively deal with this person. But now I am able to sidestep the set-ups and avoid the quicksand. The feeling of pride and accomplishment and happiness I get when I am able to do that is priceless. I share your videos with my close relatives and friends, whether I think they have a narcissist or not. Because we all can benefit from doses of WWRD (what would (Dr.) Ramani do). I only wish I had discovered you earlier. But better late than never. And thank you.
Great video with a lot of helpful advice. I think the "E" can also stand for emptiness, ego, empathy or emotion of which they have some in spades and others a severe deficit.
This so captures my experiences in both my childhood and my marriage...when listening to the description of entitlement I recalled a Christmas present I had especially made for my spouse - a tshirt that said, "I am the exception to the rule." He laughed but never wore it! No doubt he didn't want to advertise one of his trademarks!
So funny how now the word narcissist is seen in a dismissive way when many people started using it as a psychological description for the word evil. They really wave you off when you call somebody evil.
This video is showing exactly the OPPOSITE of how the knowledge is formed nowadays. People feel too comfortable jumping to the conclusion and labeling, she is a Karen, he is entitled, and he is a racist… while some labels were formed with little considerations, I think a lot of us who endure long term narcissist relationship torments took a long time to process, accept, and finally share our experience to the world just to be looked at like we don’t know how we are talking about. It’s a great video on how to form a tactic and a path of articulation and doing our job to educate our listeners. We should also be realistic about how people process and proceed information, understanding and practicing the knowledge that is embedded in us is still the most important thing at the end of the day.
Brilliant video! Well done and spot on! You have really captured the true embodiment of the narcissists with your acronym, Dr. Ramani. That is exactly what they are comprised of, along with other facets, but those are the main components. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and knowledge as well as enlightening us and making us fully aware of the true essence of the narcissists.
Finally, someone provides “other options” to use instead of anything containing the typical Narcissistic terms!!!! When I reached a point of discovering “who this man was” & sharing it with my close friends the word Narcissist, none of them took me seriously. I became painfully aware I was unable to convey to them the true abuse & trauma, then knew I was standing alone. My gratitude, Dr. Ramani for offering another descriptive verbiage🙏❤️😊 I'm continuing forward in healing from this relationship, leaving & going (No Contact) 5 months ago. Feeling relief 👌
This is helpful. I normally say toxic personality traits and explain using the descriptions: manipulative, passive aggressive, uses your insecurities against you, telling you secrets, talking negatively behind your back, don't speck to you for days or weeks, treats you like you don't exist, will not apologize but expects you to apologize even when it's not your fault, puts family first, will expect expensive gifts like jewelry and vacations but will give very inexpensive gifts that are meaningful to you like a book, your favorite snacks, clothes or shoes -- but never close in value to what you've given, wants to do what they want to do but controls what you can do especially without them, gets upset if you answer a question incorrectly, gets very upset immediately, like to see your feelings being hurt by their words. ...😢
This is perfect and very helpful. This method avoids that "look" given to you by the enablers, and something very useful to help me remained focused and calm while attempting to explain my experiences to Human Resources. Thank you Dr. Ramani!
This is really useful to delineate most interpersonal relationships in Hollywood. There is no end of narcissism here, and thus the 'N' word has become meaningless.
This is GOLD. Even just to remind myself what it is that the narcissists in my life have done. Like a mantra when I'm being love bombed. Thank you so much. The word "narcissist" is yet another thing that's been destroyed by narcissists. So now that we use it correctly we're being gaslighted by them and met with skepticism by other people who are fearful. Time to take that word back or just call the narcissists "craved" 😉
My custody battle lasted 10 years with a sociopathic narcissist. I wish I had had this knowledge, then but I know it will help others in the future. We survivors are so grateful for your work, Dr. Ramani .
Thanks Doctor Ramani! This will definitely help in explaining to others about narcissism. I have witnessed that many people get a deer in the headlights syndrome when you come out and say narcissist.
I went to therapy for the first time today. Forgot this c.r.a.v.e.d. thing, but I did use it sort of. I did not use the word narcissist or no contact. It looked like they understood what I was saying 🙏🏼 To be continued
Thanks dr. Ramani for this. It’s easier to address the definitions than speaking out the word. And people are more willing to accept your argument. I always use the definition of communism, ideology, socialism, and racism to address them to my students. Because if you say these taboo words, they trigger negative/positive responses (depending on the individual’s personal beliefs). After I address the definitions, I bring out the terminology, and it becomes much easier to teach them about these concepts.
Dr. Romani has helped thousands more than she realizes. At this late stage in my life I finally understand my constant distrust and need to push people away, especially family. Can't afford therapy but have chickens!!
Great Neumonic device for recognizing a narcissist and being able to analyze the problem of explaining to anyone who needs to know, without labeling the offender.😇
I honestly have no idea how I would have survived the rage of the narc if I didn't have your informative videos! I've been a subscriber for at least four years. Doctor Ramini -- you are a God send. I can't thank you enough!!
So true. Most people know narcissism as self centered or concerned with vanity. narcissism is so overused and most people don’t know what it fully entails.
Dr. You may be interested in knowing there is court case where a man shot five coworkers (made national news) and his defense is that he suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Now from my understanding, he will claim thst he is not responsible. Let's see where this goes. I almost spit out my coffee when I heard this.
It would have been better if he said he was a psychopath or sociopath people with NPD are not bipolar unlike people with BPD narcs can control their emotions they just don't care or feel the need to. Good luck for this person to prove his argument in court
Victimized-absolutely. I sat through YEARS of trauma bonding via all of the people in her life who sexually abused her. I felt so sorry that she had been so poorly used.
This is one of your best videos because it breaks down the technical and descriptive language that many of us need in our arsenal when dealing with these difficult people.
This is good too keep in mind on BOTH sides of the conversation! Especially if you DO work in HR or courts, etc. Narcissists themselves will use terms like narcissism and gaslighting and abuse. But they can't back up those names with useful examples. They'll say you're a narcissist without knowing what it means. Beeing able to describe what's happening makes it meaningful.
Dr Ramani! I swear it’s as if you were a fly on the wall in the house I grew up in. Both parents and sister are narcissists, classic textbook, golden child, scapegoat etc. I didn’t know what a narcissist was until I heard of it one day and I looked it up. I have experienced exactly what you say in this video. When I went to therapy. the word “narcissist” was never mentioned in my sessions which is so sad to me because once I learned about it on my own everything made sense. I no longer have contact with my family for almost 9 years. I’m so thankful for you and your videos!
This is by far one of the most applicable and helpful video!!! Thank you so much for this breakdown Dr. Ramani!! I’ve needed this for years! So grateful for you and all your determination and passion to give us tools to use to navigate through this. Blessings to you! Praying for you and your loved ones as well! 🙏🏻💞🙌🏻
Brilliant and so needed. I had a lot of trouble with my ‘mumbo jumbo psychological labels’ when I used the word narcissist. I did notice the people who warned me off the dating narc used the word abusive and controlling to refer to his history.
Use C.R.A.V.E.D. method to describe, rather than using the “narc” word” (like in court or with your boss) C - Conflict - high conflict (including covertly, argumentative, always looking for a fight, blow up if you don’t disagree with them, etc.) R - Rigidity - unyielding, not amendable to change, not adaptive to a variety of situations. Don’t bend (try to bend them, they’ll snap) A - Antagonistic , (manipulative, exploitative, arrogant) V - Vulnerable and very vindictive (if they think you were unfair, come after you or talk about you), victimized. (things have unfairly happened to them). [Covert types find passive aggressive ways to be vindictive, e.g., make your life uncomfortable but don’t let you know they are causing it on purpose]. E - Entitled (One of their most forward-facing traits). When entitlement not met (have to wait in line like everyone else), it’s usually met with a lot of rage, e.g., entitled to knowing about others’ lives, entitled to the seat they want, the space they want, etc. D - Dysregulated, very reactive and quick to anger, unable to control their emotions, Under conditions of frustration, disappointment, abandonment or stress, NPDs will lash out and it’ll happen very quickly, in a flash.
narcissist - someone who takes a dump on your floor, leaves and comes back 2 hours later and complains about the smell
And blames you 🙄
This should become a meme 🤣
😂😂😂😂😂😂 I am in stitches 😂😂😂😂😂
Great analogy...and funny! 🤭
Perfect analogy
C - Conflict
R - Rigidity
A - Antagonism
V - Vindictiveness / Victim / Vulnerability
E - Entitlement / Exploitativeness
D - Dysregulation
Great visual. Thanks!
Thank you for this
Helpful mnemonic!!
You're the MVP! thank you
⭐️
Ramani, the bestfriend/parent we all needed.
True...i add to that therapist !!!!brave woman!!!!!
The Person/Therapist that can explanation the best way of a NPD!
🙌Yaaas!🙌
Hello fellow MM! Fellow surviver!
@@giraffefree6143 So true 💪🏽
Last night the narc in my life reached out to me begging to talk. I went no contact and blocked months ago, but he keeps using burner numbers. He was awful to me for years and when he called in his lost puppy dog voice wanting to talk I didn’t say a word and hung up, blocked and deleted the number!! I feel really proud of myself because sometimes it’s tempting to get sucked back into the chaos for some reason. But don’t do it!
One habit I got into to avoid talking to jerks is to simply not answer any number that I don't recognize. It's a bit inconvenient but I don't have to talk to narcs and telemarketers.
@@sparkygump i used to do that and I wish I could but I am my mother’s caretaker and always receiving calls from nurses and so on. Idk maybe I’ll have to change my number.
@@sparkygump I do the same. I rarely ever answer my phone and find that most don’t leave messages so oh well! 🤷🏼♀️ It’s much more peaceful this way.
@@MadisonWestfield I’d definitely change my number if I could. That would be a much easier option even with all the amount of updating I’d have to give to others. I would suggest that if you do change it and there’s common relationships in your life with him then, where possible, either infirm not to give it out or, if they aren’t healthy and safe for you to be around, don’t update them to keep you and your new number safe. Blessings to you! 🙏🏻💞
Way to go!
Try to spend time around people who do get it, people who do understand narcissism. It’s very unhealthy to be around people who invalidate your experience. You need to be around people who have the same level of awareness.
I totally agree with this. However in a court setting, HR setting, or a mediation setting, that is not always possible. These are good tips for beating around the bush for times when using the word "narcissism" could backfire against you.
Thank you NS...good advice
SO true... I feel the same way.
I don't know anyone that knows about NARCASISM other than people making UA-cam videos about it and I never talk with them.
That’s often a dream world or an isolated one...most don’t want to get it because it is too uncontrollable, and chaotic and therefore uncomfortable and taxing. Much easier to live in their world of cognitive dissonance because it’s not their issue.
*C - conflict (high conflict)* - narcs enjoy having someone to feud with 😯
*R - rigid* - narcs are inflexible to progressing 😐
*A - antagonistic* - narcs will treat you like you're their enemy/be irreconcilable 😕
*V - vulnerable...AND vindictive* - they're vulnerable in that they can receive narcissistic injuries, and they will be vindictive as those injuries will set off narcissistic rage 🙄
*E - entitled* - no surprise that narcs think they're more fill in the ________ than they actually are 😅
*D - dysregulated* - narcs lack self-control and can Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde switch up on you unpredictably 😬
*What's crazy is all those acronyms factually describe how narcs behave* 😂
Happy Friday everyone 😁
Thank you!
Thanks for doing that. It’s very helpful.
The frustrating thing for me about narcissists is that the narcissist doesn’t see themselves as the narcissist .. they see the people around them they won’t put up with their BS as being a narcissistic ones.. and they gaslight it back onto them . Very frustrating.
@The Time is Now it just seems impossible to deal with someone like that.. you just can’t win
Yep, that s why no contact is the only way!
@@Crmsnvrgo150 same ! They treat you like crap, then wonder why you stop jumping though hoops for them !
That was it exactly for me. I refused to let my narc parents bleed me dry, and for some reason that made me the bad person.
@@om617yota8 I hear you on that one. Solidarity to the children who were abused and abandoned and then abused some more for not laying our lives down for our abusers later in life.
Trying to explain to family or friends what narcissism is and the pain you suffered is like describing what it’s like being set on fire 🔥. Nobody will ever understand the experience until they experience Devils touch . Not to mention the humiliation, that awful shame of having to explain to others what you went through and allowed yourself to be abused after ignoring all the red flags 🚩. As a result , we suffer in silence 🥺
Please consider going to a a 12-step recovery program such as Co-dependents Anonymous (CoDA). There are CoDA meetings all around the world, in many languages, online, phone-in, and hopefully in many countries again when the Covid19 risk is lower, in-person again soon. These are helpful, supportive places to learn, share and grow, hear the shares of other members, and find healing. CoDA is a place where people who are victims of all kinds of abuse, people just like us, can find healing and learn we are not alone. CoDA and other 12-step recovery programs are free. There is such a sense of relief to hear others and know we are not alone. Although not specific to narcissistic abuse survivors, 12-step programs like CoDA can be a life-saving. All of us survivors have a right to our own self-care, healing, and no more abuse. Sending you positive energy and healing thoughts to all here.
Yet when I tell them.why and educate them (which is often taking so much energy)..they think I'm playing victim to denounce the narcissist. Drives me nuts
You nailed it... the humiliation is rough... having to tell others around you is hard. People dont understand how hard it is to figure out a covert narcissist. By the time you do, your hearts in it deep and it's hard to walk away.
I've started to look at it differently. I know, and if others can't get it, maybe they haven't empathy either. I know, and I know how to protect myself. Trying to convince anyone else is of no benefit to me and not worth my effort, I can be doing things I like!
I now know my worth. Reframing it can help
@@villasoka884 100% agree! Why waste the energy trying to explain? That just prolongs the pain. Now that the fog has lifted (thanks to Dr. R) I see clearly, I can breathe and feel joy. Cheers!
Dr. Ramani, you’ve changed my life & held my hand through this dark, but very enlightening journey. Thank you!
Dark indeed !
Homeacre 😂
Yeah...and scary too... but very informative. Cuz they can be very dark and scary...
Yes, it’s absolutely like that. We need to be very careful about not joining “the big lie”. Someone is all dark, and we are all light. Not acknowledging our own human darkness opens us up to narcissists and makes balance impossible.
Everyone is a victim. Everyone is a perpetrator. This lady is telling you what you want. All of the psych people make up whatever works and their gospel is a river of unending misery.
Thanks Dr. Ramini! "C" could also stand for "Controlling"-the CRAV-ing for control.
And the "E" for no/low Empathy!
Coercive control too. This is really instructive advice for explaining.
to others
Yes! Goes back to rigidity
Yes! SO true. Thanks for this perspective.
This is excellent advice. Most people don't even know what narcissism is. People don't identify narcissism as abuse, which is what it really is. Sell the sizzle, not the steak.
Great discernment thanks👍
Love that distinction! So helpful.
Extremely well said. 👍👍😎
That's it exactly! !! Bullshit artists . And when it arrives on the plate in front of you, all that's there is an under cooked processed sausage.
In therapy, I felt like I was put on trial at times trying to explain this behavior when recalling "examples" and "facts". Looking at the forest now instead of through the trees, its a repetitive pattern of behavior. Any vindictiveness I experienced was often minimized by the therapist and it was hard to articulate at the time that this is how this person operates and it IS intentional. I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2018, but I started telling my story and have had the mental and physical symptoms for at least 20 years. The 3 therapists I saw before all dropped the ball. Thank you for educating everyone on this!
I completely relate 💯. Praying for you! 💞🙏🏻
I can definitely understand...very frustrating and hurtful when you’re trying to get some help but your experience is minimized by the person supposedly there to help you.
You'd think we are meant to see them to make their lives easier.
Growing up I knew they had to oblige to a rather archaic system. And for some they became swallowed whole and live it day by day....
No fu#king way! 👍
I agree as someone who has encountered this but also as someone hoping to practice in the field, I also see so many people abusing this term or just calling everyone this when it's not matching up accurately. I think the big thing is that therapists don't do enough probing and clarifying to understand the frequency, as well as see the "whole" thing. They focus on one tree indeed of the forest and assume it could be other issues like common collectivist culture issues or minor Narcissistic traits which aren't quite as difficult as being in a triangle especially if symptoms are high. I also don't think demonizing the individual with the issues helps especially if there's a power dynamic they need to consider like if they are paying for it...etc. I'm curious what is a way that someone can easily identify this issue since many therapists just go into CPT and PTSD treatment stuff which can help to work through it, but then you just keep getting retraumatized and needing treatment or end up in unhealthy relationship cycles endlessly, whereas if it was identified quicker, they can suggest stuff like this. It's also just tough when therapists can change up or if the issues are minimized, it just ruins rapport. It's also difficult when clients can't identify these issues accurately (i.e., people saying something is abuse, when it's really not can confuse the therapist more, especially if the client has their own mental health issues as well). Does anyone have any ideas on what you wish a therapist would have asked so that it could have been accurately understood sooner? I'm thinking that evaluating dynamics in multiple environments might help, as well as having enough facts and evidence from behaviors with others, that they also see, or even discrepancies in treatment between family members? That or even trying to understand if the client truly feels validated and checking in on them. Like if they're invalidated or feel like what's being described isn't matching up accurately enough to cultural situations or something else, that the therapists might try seeing if this description matches up instead?
Jess_if you have felt ‘broken’ for a long time you may want to look into Complex PTSD. I think Dr Ramani has videos. Also a book ‘From Surviving To Thriving’ by Pete Walker.
That's true, when you use the word narcissism or narcissist, mostly people think that I am just exaggerating everything and talking just by my emotions and I am using the N word like a child as if a word that I just learned lately. They really shut down and don't listen to me with the same respect...
Yeah I know the feeling.
And the dismissive eyeroll is like the icing on the cake.
Most people also have no idea what narcissism is so I use the term pattern of behavior.
So true.
You're right!!
"You try to bend them and they snap"
Nice double entendre.
I’m not explaining anything personal to anyone… they don’t matter … I’m completely over all of it…. Period
Narcissists could care less if you tried to anyway.
That is positive as long as you’re part of the solution. We are all together, modeling being all together by acting in love for ourselves. Narcissists magnetize to people who have dissociated from their original attachment wounds. This isn’t about “them”. If we don’t get the lesson, we don’t get the boundary.
I think of a phrase I have heard lately--something like..." Don't complain, don't explain". There are so many narcissists around us. It is vital to maintain composure when meeting new people. If you "complain" you may be oversharing and it may be vindictively used against you. If you "explain" you instantly message your lack of healthy entitlement (that you need the person's approval). Or perhaps it is that you instinctively sense the persons potential for aggression and your "explaining" announces that you accept being the "one down" which reinforces the narcissist's control. Of course this does not apply to those who have earned trust and who are supportive, accepting friends or loved ones.
@@occallie
Agreed… wasting your time… it is what it is no changing their ways… move on
@@WDBDWK
Agreed… fix you first…
Conflict, with the NPD person also looks like hate. They´re haters. They go around saying "I hate it when" this or that.
Yes! The constant negativity is so nauseating.
I do that sometimes, I used to say it alot as a teenager, everything was embarassing to me, I didn't realize until my adult years and through more and more therapy, that it was a way to avoid feeling shame from all the abuse I went through. I don't do it so much now. When the abuser uses it, it's to control and manipulate you. For them it's about what they do or don't want you to do. CPTSD is a very humiliating disorder because it makes the person feel crazy or like they're the one in the wrong and it's not the case....
Even easier to remember: Show, don't tell. Don't tell people someone's a narcissist or whatever adjective. Just say what they did. I think more people react to that and come to the conclusion that this person sucks if I just say matter-of-factly what they literally did or said. Then that person can decide for themselves that this person is definitely a narcissist, asshole, etc. When we describe people in labels and generalizations, I think people are naturally skeptical for good reasons honestly. Pressuring others to believe someone is a narcissist just because you think that can be perceived as pushy and manipulative itself.
Good point!
Idk why you find it so easy to say what they did. Usually the other person excuses what they did
Idk why you find it so easy to say what they did. Usually hard to describe and doesn’t sound that bad. And the other person excuses what They did
@@M_SC I don't about you, but the stories I have about what my narcissists have said and done to me are pretty obviously bad. I tell the story and people get it. My most efficient story for my ex is I tell people that one time while I was crying after some verbal abuse I can't even remember, he cooly and calmly came up to me and said "Hey, some guys like me marry and have children with women like you. I didn't DO that to you. You're lucky." And then he just walked off. I have too many other stories, but usually that one alone sends shivers up peoples spines ... forget narcissist he's probably a straight-up sociopath I was indeed lucky to escape.
Very good!!! WOW!
If u were talking about my ex the “V” could also stand for volatile/ violent. And the “D” could also stand for draining.
sometimes just hearing their voice can exhaust a person
D - Defensive. Which, plus Disregulated, is extremely Draining .. and sometimes Dangerous. . .
Draining for real.
Yesss they DRAIN the hell out of you ,after being in conversation for like 5 min you feel you need something strong to give you energy
Yep they are definitely energy vampires
❤ this! As a nurse, I was taught 2 VERY important things:
1. Document EVERYTHING! If it's not documented, then it didn't happen.
2. You are not a doctor, you may know, by your assessment, the diagnosis, but you can NEVER diagnose. ONLY assess the situation, symptoms, your observations, and what the patient "says" in thier OWN words.
This video reminds me of that.
Thanks Dr. Ramani
My nurse training led me to document the crazy interactions with the narcissist. Dates, what was said and done, - all there to look back on and see the patterns and BS. This has saved my sanity because all the crazy making is there in black and white.
Funny isn’t it.
Because I’d say a Dr makes the same diagnosis in the same way, but just because of their title it carries more weight.
I feel i was CHECKMATED. Can you please one day do a video on being 'checkmated'. They keep you in the game ONLY to plan (with the new supply) how to checkmate you, even though they try to never fully kill you in order to keep you hanging for future repetitive games, like a cat with a mice.
I said every word with you as you said it because it describes my narc to a t!
I'm watching these to learn about my friends parents, im actually the one who helped her understand that she wasnt crazy, and that her parents are extreme narcissists, it took so long to teach her that she wasnt the problem, i just kept reassuring her that she wasnt the issue and i would explain to her the situation from the outside, for example: "Tell me what you said" *I just tried to tell them im happy..* "Okay and what did they do" *They acted annoying and told me they didn't want to hear it* "Okay and what do i do when you tell me that you're happy" *You're happy that im happy?* === then she realizes its not her. Please, if you have a friend being raised or living in the same house as narcissist parents you need to make sure they understand that they are not the problem, they arent doing anything wrong, they need that reassurance because they're torn down on a daily basis, give them a rock to hold onto when the waves try to wash them away, give them a safe place till they can move out on their own.
You are so right!
you are a wonderful friend...!
This is REALLY IMPORTANT, because as I’ve said before, you start using words like hoover and flying monkeys and someone’s going to think you’re cookoo. Using some of the commonly-used terminology, in regards to narcissism is a public invite to being gaslit, minimized and even discarded by whomever and whatever entity you’re trying to convey your situation to.
Yep that's been my experience. I don't use the 'narc' word anymore except with dear friends who are on the same page as me.
@@tenzen8334 Yep, it’s as if, the moment you say “narc” people act like the narcissist has a problem - and you’re that problem.
I don’t speak at all about it anymore. You start to realize that, even when a person says, “That’s just HORRIBLE! I’m glad you left!”, they are waiting, with baited breath, for you to get back in the situation. Especially so, if you have an aging parent. People are so brainwashed by filial piety that, even if they really like you and have never met your parent, they can’t even see you, for the worry you aren’t doing right by an abusive parent. It’s sickening!
@@privateprivate8366 SPOT ON! I've stopped talking about it to anyone except my counselor. People are just so trained to defend parents, nomatter what.
@@themaggattack if they actually even saw that parent with a gun to your head, they’d chastise you for pointing it out and running for your life and would derive, from that alone, that you must deserve it. When it comes to dealing with having an abusive, narcissistic parent, you may as well be an escaped slave.
And then the listener turns into a flying monkey and betrays you. My ex used to cut my neighbour's grass. It was very anxiety producing last year. He'd cut the grass then show up at my back door. I had to keep the doors locked all summer because if I didn't answer, he'd let himself in!!! This year, my neighbout queried me about who was going to cut her grass. I asked her to "please not hire X again". When she responded with WHY?, (in a contrite way) I should have caught on..... I told her "he makes me anxious and uncomfortable, my anxiety goes away up.., and after 15 months he shouldn't still be hanging around,.......please don't hire him". She went and called him about the job!! What a miserable, petty, nasty, untrustworthy thing to do! He's just transient, but I live next door. I've helped her out a lot. But that has just ended. She fits what Dr Carter calls a Stealth Narcissist to a T.
The line in “The Misfits” when Marilyn Monroe’s character says when she is rehearsing her divorce speech “can’t I just say he wasn’t there? I’de rather live alone if I’m going to be alone”. Another great acronym (D.E.E.P.) !
Don't go DEEP for a CRAVED person.
Deep?
@@liviamoreiralima3536 Please watch this video:
Narcissism and the deep technique
ua-cam.com/video/7HcU3sdrzU0/v-deo.html
@@liviamoreiralima3536 dr Ramani’s other acronym.
@@liviamoreiralima3536 one of Dr. Ramani's other videos: Go D.E.E.P. with a narcissist:
1. don't Defend
2. don't Explain
3. don't Engage
4. don't Personalize
I try to practice this like a daily prayer/reminder. It can be hard but there is much wisdom in the DEEP technique for dealing with narcs.
My ex was one of the most vindictive person I have ever known.If I ever stood my ground on anything, they would retaliate. Not right away, but later that day or sometime after a few days. It took me a while to realize that the dealayed revenge was part of her anger pattern. Life was literally a non stop roller coaster ride. I am grateful it is over.
True, when i went for therapy(later realised that that therapist was crap after spending alot of money!) The therapist didnt give into my claim that my mother is a narcissist, instead she told me i cud be the one who is the "narcissist" Possibly. Now, imagine that for the daughter of a narcissist! who already self doubts each n everything she feels or thinks🤷♀️!
That’s horrible.
@@Darkangel03975 hi i think i do get the plot of what u hav just described but can u plz edit and correct the typos as i wud like to understand ur writing better?
Im so sorry
Me too. More harmful than helpful
C - conflict
R - rigid
A - antagonistic
V - vulnerable/victimized/vindictive
E - entitled
D - disregulated
Thanks Dr. Ramani, this is a great topic! This gives us a solid framework for describing narcissistic people without saying the word. I've benefitted very much from the DEEP acronym and appreciate you sharing this one.
Very well said peaple look at u like ur crazy when u even speak of narcissism
They really do! 🥺
Wonderful acronym.
We can add:
C- conflict: competitive without care or compromise
R- rigid without remorse or responsibility
A - antagonistic with apathy to assault or attack by Any means
V - vendictive and void of losing. venerated to show no vulnerability
E - entitled w empty empathy or endearing care
D - dysregulated to deceive, denounce and destroy designated person bc they decide they deserve destruction
Perfect video. I have noticed people think of narcissism as a person always taking selfies and don’t really get the depth of it. Even when people say they understand they will say or do something that makes it clear they still regard the narcissist as a regular person that can be reasoned with.
I was just saying this to myself today.
Mine is H.U.R.T.
If
Honesty
Understanding
Respect &
Trust
are in effect at all times, no one gets hurt. A narcissist, sadly, can't give you any of those things. Mourn the loss and give up hope. I was relentless in trying to get through to the many narcissists I've come across, been raised by, had children with. They are endlessly rigid. I have "poked the bear " so many times, as a truth teller/scapegoat. It is miraculous that my resilience has been unshakeable after so much trauma. My willingness to be codependent early, would get me trapped. I will get away. I will get to feel safe for the first time in almost 3 decades. 3 decades of trauma and bombs going off. Tons of joy in some of those times, but no safety. I am so close to freedom. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing this! May Almighty God continue to give you strength and courage in your new journey of great hope, health, and healing! Love and Blessings ✝️🌺♥️
Really, really needed this knowledge 18 years ago in family court. Still have disturbing memories of the magistrate asking, words like, whats wrong here, & me exhaling, head swimming a little, & replying "Where do I start?"
And that V is eternal…decades later they will strike, and then “remember when…. Now YOU KNOW HOW THAT FEELS!”
Worse yet, the "when" sometimes didn't even happen. My sister is trying to punish my mom for things that "happened" years ago that didn't even happen, she just clams it did. Now... my mom did fail her as a kid, but that's a completely different story, and mom was young, trying to raise three kids, with an unemployed narcissistic husband, her family of origin on her back, and a relatively small wage, it wasn't exactly easy for her either.
@@MultiSenhor It can go both ways, my mom couldn’t malign her brother enough for acting out resentments towards their parents, and then starts “getting even” with me as an adult for triggering her self-consciousness as an inquisitive child. Drawing the parallel for her (predictably) didn’t go well for me.
They NEVER let an injury perceived or real, go unpunished - a catalog is kept forever.
@@MultiSenhor their minds perceive and filter events and experiences largely as threats that don’t always align with reality. No capacity for empathy or genuine compassion either … thus no forgiveness for human failings
I didn't realize I have been in an abusive relationship for 8 years.. until I saw your videos. Thank you. ❤
I think that is a perfect template for a kind of bucket list: Write down for every C.R.A.V.E.D point several examples w.r.t. to the narcissist in question and you have memorised the perfect outline to be presented to anybody interested - not only explaining your situation but also have them experience this through your examples in a complete picture.
The example addition is important.
Exactly its important to give examples under each letter of CRAVED...because even clinical psychologists don't like us using it as a buzz word, even if we KNOW by now clearly what is narcissism
I really could have used this 3 years ago when I went for my divorce and trying to get full custody. I was so beaten at time I didn't get anything I really wanted, because I could barely function. Thanks for your video! I hope this helps anyone out there who's going through the courts right now. Thanks!
Praying for you.🙏🏻💞 I’ve been going through it for 15 years. First sole custody was “won”, but the long game continued...creating a false narrative of blame and character assassination. Lost my children after 12 years...they never quit. So much trauma, destruction and chaos. These people are murderers from the inside out.
Ditto Esther! A horrible process to divorce a narcissist when you have been beaten down for many years!!!
@Tina Marie We always get what we are seeking for. Women like self-confident male's who knows what they want and who stick to their opinion no matter what others say, right ? It gave you image of a strong man, and woke up butterflies in your stomach right ? Then you got what you wanted, a man that sticks to his opinion no matter what others say. Why do you think that most narcissists are males ? Because women like such males until they know them better, but everything has it's price.
@@Temporalplace Women are not a monolith. I, for one, don't like don't like ANYONE who is so pig-headed that they NEVER change their opinion, given new information. I don't care what gender they are.
Also, sure, the studies show that most narcessists are males, but that's only *diagnosed* narcessists. There are a WHOLE LOT of *UN*diagnosed covert narcessists out there, many of whom are female. In reality, narcessism is anyone's game.
"We always get what we are seeking for" is victim blaming. Besides, if that were true, there would be a lot more rich, successful, talented, etc.. People out there in the world. And certainly no one would be living in slavery or destitution. Sometimes we get borne into or pushed or tricked into a bad situation that we weren't seeking for.
@@themaggattack "is victim blaming"
Why can't anyone blame a victim if its really result of his choice ? There is no point to blame a lion or tiger after you entering his cage, because it was something avoidable.
It’s amazing how unknown or buried narcissism is.
I’ve had two therapists dodge the idea. Or downplay it.
Obviously I know longer seek their services.. 😉
Spot on. The moment I mentioned to my counselor, "I believe I'm dealing with a narcissist."
She stopped me right there and said, "no name calling."
I felt so defeated.
What a moron! This is a danger of going to therapy with them.
I'm actually going to be getting questioned by a guy from my local Adult Protective Services today about my relationship with my mom. I think it'll be good for me to use this acronym. 😌
Come back and tell us what happened?
Good luck.
@@dreamdiction
Hey there. I actually wrote out everything in a Google Keep Notes, uhh, note (lol) after everything was over. I'll copy paste what I wrote below, and try to edit out my brother's name (if I miss a spot, I am so sorry 😅).
July 9, 2021, 10:05pm: Alright, I had an interview with a guy from my town's local adult protective services, named John, with my brother, and a family friend named Sandy. We all went to the backyard of my house, while my mom stayed inside the house (she couldn't join because John had allegations against her, so he wanted to interview me and my brother without her being there to possibly influence us). Sandy mostly listened, but she did speak to answer questions about her opinion on what we were talking about. John asked us about the allegations, and we all answered truthfully according to what we knew and/or remembered. He asked if mom had touched me inappropriately, even naming specific places on the body, and I answered by saying all the times I remembered her touching those areas, how I felt about it, how I responded when I felt brave enough to speak up to her about it, and what mom did in response to me doing so. John then asked if we were afraid of our mom, and we said yes, because of her anger, being prone to yelling and cursing, and the fact she's threatened to both kick us out when she knows full well we couldn't take care of ourselves 100% if she did, and use her power of attorney over us to restrict and/or take away things like our money and medications. John then asked if we felt like wanting to move out of the house, and we both said yes, because of how controlling she currently is with things of ours like clothes and looks. John asked if we knew how to handle our finances, and we said no, because mom does them all for us. He asked if we wanted to learn how to do things on our own, like handling finances and cooking, and we said yes, but we don't want to be taught by mom, mainly because of her pessimism, and low patience. He asked if we wanted to get a social worker/caregiver in to help teach us those things, and at first we said no, because of mom's distrust in people and her tendency to yell and curse whenever we've done or bought something, with previous social workers, that she didn't like, no matter how small of a thing it was, even though we should be able to have the ability to spend a certain amount of our own money we want on whatever we want, and not be punished for it. John then gave another solution to stay in a foster care home, but with the drawback of that being where our lives stop improving if we did, so we disagreed with that option. Since we didn't want that, and didn't know how to take care of ourselves if we were to move out right away, we decided to stick with trying to find a social worker to help teach us things now, and eventually go to a college-like (but not actually a college) program to learn some IT skills sometime later this year (which we were originally planning on doing before the interview). We then went back inside and John gave a small summary to mom of what we said, which only included the fact that we wanted a social worker to come in to help teach us things, and that we were wanting to learn how to be more independent. Sandy did the same as John, and only mentioned those things, and not the things we were afraid of mom knowing. Although, the reasons John gave for the things he said were that we "felt trapped in the home", and that mom needed to teach us more about the things she was doing for us. Mom then responded by saying that she WAS in fact teaching us things, but we were refusing to follow through, or even refusing to learn some things (which is "technically" true, but we usually "refused" because of the WAY mom was ACTING when she was telling us to do things and tried to teach us things, which discouraged me from wanting to do them and/or be taught by her, and NOT the FACT she was doing them. But I can't tell her the real reason why, because then she'd take it personally, and use the yelling, cursing, and threatening to get her way no matter if we liked it or not). Mom also mentioned that we told her before that we didn't want a social worker (although she forgot the part where we said we didn't want one NOW during that time, but we're fine with getting one in AUGUST, the second half of which we said again today). John then left, as he had to go to another client, and said he'll see if he can try and get a social worker to come in. After that, mom had went over the same things she told John, and Sandy went over the same things John told mom, before leaving. A little over an hour later, mom had started expressing her anger (like she usually does), and saying how much she hated the situation. She claimed that John, as well as Sandy now (at least accounting to mom), believed that she was "being too nice" to us by doing so much for us, that she needed "be harder on us from now on" (Oh dear), and that the two of them were "too American" because she believes they thought that the fact she slept in the same bedroom as me and my brother (but in separate beds) meant that she was being too controlling, when to her, it's simply a Filippino tradition, because she's from the Philippines (even though the reasons she gave me and my brother in the past for that was because at an earlier age, we wanted her to, but when we got older and mentioned we wanted her to go back to her room, she said that she herself wasn't ready yet, and that she even liked it down in our bedroom.) She also mentioned that it we keep "refusing" to learn, then she'll not only have to write it down and document it to show it to John, but that she'd also be the one to get in trouble for it because everything falls back on her, that "It will be YOUR FAULT if 'I' get in trouble!". To fix that, she finally moved back up to her room, and said that WE will be the ones to get a social worker, and that we WILL learn how to cook more. She also mentioned that she wasn't angry at us, which even if it is true, I still felt like she definitely took that anger out on us. I myself got pretty mad at the way she expressed it to us, but unlike her, I didn't let a single bit of it out, because I know if I expressed just a tiny amount of what she did (or even if I just did or said something she only THOUGHT was that, but actually wasn't, with no one else being around to judge that but her alone) she'd then use the tactic of threats that I mentioned earlier. And I'm afraid if I pushed her further, she may actually follow through on said threats.
@@jonathanalpart7812 Thanks. 😌
Jane! Girl you’re the smartest!!!! Really.
I could not have even processed all of that while I was living at home w a narc mother.
So good to hear that you live in a county where social workers are paying attention, and trying to do a great job for you.
Kudos to you for reaching out for help, listening to suggestion, and changing your mind about getting a case worker of your own to help not ONLY you, but your brother also. 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼🌺
There is NO POSSIBLE WAY I could’ve done that when I was in your situation! I just became angry , and was soooooo immature until I was approx 32!!
I finally realized I needed some guidance and went to a codependency meeting like Al- Anon. It was called Gam Anon for friends and family of compulsive gamblers.
GREAT JOB , JANE. GOOD FOR YOU!!!
And good looking-out for your brother, also.
You’re gonna be JUST FINE.
Keep up the good work and take care of YOURSELF!!!
Wishing you peace and love❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️🌸🌸🌸🌸
Thanks again Dr Ramani, I had already thought of NOT using the word anymore or as much. Someone in my family said, when I used the word, "Well you're not a doctor and you can't really diagnose then" and I thought, "Well the word I use is really beside the point" It made me feel invalidated, judged and powerless all over again!!! And I actually thought I would instead say this like. "Dr Ramani really helps me in dealing with and understanding THIS KIND of person" Oh maybe they're NOT a narcissist BUT listening to Dr Ramani just happens to help!!!! LOL
You have helped SO MUCH.....I always soft-pedaled my marriage.....great guy....but tough......he was way WORSE than tough.....he was a narcissist.....impossible to communicate with or resolve issues.
*Taking this approach has saved my life!* Thank you!! Never call out the narcissism, gaslighting, and manipulation by name; describe what actually happens. This makes ALL the difference. People who understand the terms will recognize your descriptions and know what you're talking about. For people who DON'T understand.. well, the terms would have been lost on them, but the descriptions are still meaningful.
Going through a divorce, this has made all the difference. She calls me a narcissist and accuses me of gaslighting without explanation, assuming people will just believe her. I describe the actual events without judgement or labeling, allowing people to draw their own conclusions.
So true no one understood me explaining my covert mum growing up even till now, but only me and everyone here knows how it feels to have a evil mum
This explains my spouse very accurately.
It took 25 years of me trying to figure out what went wrong and when to see this video that explains it all.
Here are two words that I realized in this journey of getting myself back as a person. I never had accountability and understanding. I have come to understand that caused me to deflect and blame others and also be angry. It has taken me 50 years to rebuild a foundation that has some good in it and thanks to my therapist and you Dr. Ramani, I know that it will be even better and I can be at peace as a person in the next 50 years. 😊🙏❤️
Learn your own punishment.
Saves alot of cruelty and despair in a world.
It seems like people in general should start being more accepting of the term "narcissistic abuse" in the workplace and other environments because it's such a helpful term as far as understanding the very specific type of treatment one is encountering. It seems that narcissistic abuse can come from any person who might be clinically diagnosed with any of the Cluster B personality disorders or something else, so it doesn't mean you're diagnosing that person; you're simply identifying the TYPE of abuse that you're experiencing.
🙏 Your content is extremely appreciated as always! I'm one of the many people whose lives you've changed. You and my psychiatrist have helped me see the light. Thank you! 🙏
100% agree too
This is spot on! Perfectly describes my ex-husband. I wonder why there is such a negative attitude towards the word “narcissist.” It’s a shame, because it is a real personality disorder that has traumatic effects on victims of narcissistic abuse. It is not something that is made up! As always, thank you, Dr. Ramani, for explaining things so clearly.
Because the entire system is narcissistic and most of the people in power are CLuster Bees. They have manipulated the minds of the masses to dismiss the truth in almost every form.
You are absolutely amazing Dr. Ramani! You are truly a blessing...❤
Dysfunctional childhood, dysfunctional marriage…. I can’t believe that I’m learning about how a healthy relationship should look like at the age of 55. Is it too late ?
Never to late!!! You deserve it!
@@acemoto6232 Thank you. You are right. There is still some gas in a tank.
There is an old saying, "it's only to late if you dont start now"
I hope not!
Same here, and no, it's never too late. I'm 59 and although the healing process is painful, it's such a relief to know that I'm not the crazy one.
Found a new therapist because I felt like my previous one didn’t have the right background and was giving my suspected narc too much credit. So grateful to you, Dr. Ramani. You are giving us all so much strength!
I had been trying for years. I still haven’t found one. If you say you were in a abusive relationship they act as if YOU are suspect. I was actually asked by therapist conducting a required interview for medical purposes, “What did YOU do to them?”
I would NEVER consult with that therapist even if I needed her while I was going through treatments.
My sibling has all these traits and is soo vindictive. No contact was my only option. There's no hope for this situation. I just had to walk away.
Dr. Ramani, you have changed my life. Thank you for all of your videos and for educating us
Thank you Dr Ramani. I have found even with family and friends they dont really seem to agree that my ex is a covert narcissist. Because it's sometimes so difficult to explain. They did not see the side behind closed doors scenario. I protected my children when small and also because I believed it was me. Thank heavens that is no longer the case for me.
Thank you! I needed to be pulled back into reality today! After 4 decades of this crap, I tend to wander off track and not putting myself FIRST! Thanks for grabbing the wheel Dr. Ramani!!
needed this today - thanks Dr. Ramani
This explains a few people I've had in my life. Argumentative, uncompromising, mean, two-faced, contemptious, revengeful, completely devoid of self-awareness in any way, shape, or form, and with the temper of a three year old.
This CRAVED system is brilliant! Truly! I have thought about the "letters" separately but never as a whole like this. Thank you!
You have changed my life! 63 years old and I finally have tools to deal with NM!
This is very helpful. In addition, the communal narcs in my workplace usually manipulate others to fight instead of them. They sic their attack dogs on you because they got to remain benevolent.
Very helpful! The shift in being understood vs. appearing "judgmental".
When I shifted to a calmer place and had better language, I got better support and help. Wish I had this 6 years ago! But so very very happy to have it NOW!
I think this was extremely helpful! the word "narcissist" has lost it's meaning because it's misused a lot. I usually hear the person doing the harm using it to invalidate their target. Also, people don't really know what it really means. Thank you for this!
I had both narcissistic siblings, parents and my ex husband. And I've struggled with my own issues regulating my emotions. And I'm struggling with no thinking I'm a total monster too. I feel like I did a lot of narcissistic behavior but also care and see it and have worked to fix it. But idk how to not feel shitty about myself and not let others use past actions to define me now
Bless your heart I understand! I also had Narcissistic parents, siblings and my ex husband, last relationship, and many ex Narc friends. All screwed me over. I am also struggling with my own issues. I am able to love myself and not settling for BS anymore but I'm so traumatized by the abuse I have no desire for a relationship again. Don't think I can trust anyone again especially after being abandoned with a baby and child when my Narc husband ran away with another girl. I'm stuck being a single Mom and it's hard. I choose to invest in myself instead of wasting it on toxic people. Other people who help me look them up, Richard Grannon, Aaron Doughty, Evy Pompouras, and David Goggins. Love and hugs to you, believe in yourself you're worth it and don't settle and pay attention to your gut feeling, if you get a bad feeling about someone cut them off! 💜❤️🤍
Keep going, keep trying.... improvement happens !
When I had enough! I felt broke! A 🔥came out of me that would torch anyone that
I perceived as flying 🐒 I Quit my family!
@@vhayashi7369 thank you for sharing the youtube names.
My mother is so rigid it’s unbelievable, also conflict driven and sees herself as a victim. I just had something good happen with my career and she had to bring up that 45 years ago she never got a raise. Oh yea she’s also incredibly reactive. She will jump to rage in a second out of nowhere.
Same. I’m visiting my 90 year old mother. Seems her personality has gotten worse with age.
She just oozes intelligence every time she speaks like it’s every day speech.
This is so in time, because im finally reaching out for help and was thinking how to sum this up to explain what I'm going through. Thank you soooo much for this video! 🙏
Good luck! Be strong! You can do this :) I believe in you
@@DelphineTheWorstBladeEver Thank you dear! I am scared within myself. But I'm not showing it to outside. Especially when i think : what if they don't belive me, what it they think I'm exaggerating.. Etc. I'm scared, real scared he will try to make me the violent, because i have thrown things like pillows and coffee on him when i would lose my plot becsuse he'd never let go until i break. I regret so much for reacting that way, because he will most definitely use it against me. He might even try to take my baby off me.. Im terrified to death now. I'm just starting to bring this to the surface and get help. And I'm sure he will say im crazy and lazy, dangerous and what not. I'm not looking forward to it. I'm scared, but I'm still doing it.
@@sabat8068 omg, I used to do the same, I would throw things at him n then think I m evil. Until last year, after 40 yrs of marriage I decided I will not be gaslighted. I started meditation n would just leave the room. I totally distance myself from him and then he went for my friends, started becoming nasty to me in front of them n behave rudely with them. I have now had enough, I hv left home but want to be totally free from his clutches. Hopefully my dream of freedom will come soon. You hang in there and don’t waste your life, take the kid and go… good luck.❤️
Excellent video. I've already encountered the drawback when I try to explain that my research strongly suggests my wife is a covert narcissist.
Thank you “SISTER “. !!
That’s how I think of you.
This is something massively useful for me. I can't say this to my psychiatrist.
C -- high conflict, always looking to fight, bait, blow up
R -- rigid. Healthy = flexible. N = b&w thinking
A -- antagonistic
V = vulnerable & vindictive & victimised
E = entitled, believes VIP is their right even when not
D = disregulated, very quick to anger, changes in instant
Despite being a therapist for almost a decade, my psychiatrist after my nervous breakdown has used my description of "X is narcissistic", has been used as evidence I have a personality disorder myself.... I was reacting at times to the narcissism abuse, last straw stuff, but saying that, was to my detriment.
Thank you a million times!
Thank you...thank you....THANK YOU🙏🙌🙌 Dr. Ramini ! YOU have been a lifesaver in my healing journey🙏🙌💞💞💪💪🔥🔥
Dr. Ramani, watching your videos over the past 6 or so months has been life-changing. I am in my mid-fifties and still deal almost on a daily basis with my main narcissist who is a very close family member. This person has caused damage to not only me, but also, directly and indirectly, to my adult children. Before, I was never really armed or able to effectively deal with this person. But now I am able to sidestep the set-ups and avoid the quicksand. The feeling of pride and accomplishment and happiness I get when I am able to do that is priceless. I share your videos with my close relatives and friends, whether I think they have a narcissist or not. Because we all can benefit from doses of WWRD (what would (Dr.) Ramani do). I only wish I had discovered you earlier. But better late than never. And thank you.
Great video with a lot of helpful advice. I think the "E" can also stand for emptiness, ego, empathy or emotion of which they have some in spades and others a severe deficit.
This so captures my experiences in both my childhood and my marriage...when listening to the description of entitlement I recalled a Christmas present I had especially made for my spouse - a tshirt that said, "I am the exception to the rule." He laughed but never wore it! No doubt he didn't want to advertise one of his trademarks!
So funny how now the word narcissist is seen in a dismissive way when many people started using it as a psychological description for the word evil. They really wave you off when you call somebody evil.
The system has brainwashed people to dismiss the truth.
This video is showing exactly the OPPOSITE of how the knowledge is formed nowadays. People feel too comfortable jumping to the conclusion and labeling, she is a Karen, he is entitled, and he is a racist… while some labels were formed with little considerations, I think a lot of us who endure long term narcissist relationship torments took a long time to process, accept, and finally share our experience to the world just to be looked at like we don’t know how we are talking about.
It’s a great video on how to form a tactic and a path of articulation and doing our job to educate our listeners. We should also be realistic about how people process and proceed information, understanding and practicing the knowledge that is embedded in us is still the most important thing at the end of the day.
Brilliant video! Well done and spot on! You have really captured the true embodiment of the narcissists with your acronym, Dr. Ramani. That is exactly what they are comprised of, along with other facets, but those are the main components. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and knowledge as well as enlightening us and making us fully aware of the true essence of the narcissists.
Finally, someone provides “other options” to use instead of anything containing the typical Narcissistic terms!!!! When I reached a point of discovering “who this man was” & sharing it with my close friends the word Narcissist, none of them took me seriously. I became painfully aware I was unable to convey to them the true abuse & trauma, then knew I was standing alone. My gratitude, Dr. Ramani for offering another descriptive verbiage🙏❤️😊 I'm continuing forward in healing from this relationship, leaving & going (No Contact) 5 months ago. Feeling relief 👌
GM DR Ramani and yes you are HELPING me!!!
This is helpful. I normally say toxic personality traits and explain using the descriptions: manipulative, passive aggressive, uses your insecurities against you, telling you secrets, talking negatively behind your back, don't speck to you for days or weeks, treats you like you don't exist, will not apologize but expects you to apologize even when it's not your fault, puts family first, will expect expensive gifts like jewelry and vacations but will give very inexpensive gifts that are meaningful to you like a book, your favorite snacks, clothes or shoes -- but never close in value to what you've given, wants to do what they want to do but controls what you can do especially without them, gets upset if you answer a question incorrectly, gets very upset immediately, like to see your feelings being hurt by their words. ...😢
This is perfect and very helpful. This method avoids that "look" given to you by the enablers, and something very useful to help me remained focused and calm while attempting to explain my experiences to Human Resources. Thank you Dr. Ramani!
This is really useful to delineate most interpersonal relationships in Hollywood. There is no end of narcissism here, and thus the 'N' word has become meaningless.
This is GOLD. Even just to remind myself what it is that the narcissists in my life have done. Like a mantra when I'm being love bombed. Thank you so much.
The word "narcissist" is yet another thing that's been destroyed by narcissists. So now that we use it correctly we're being gaslighted by them and met with skepticism by other people who are fearful. Time to take that word back or just call the narcissists "craved" 😉
My custody battle lasted 10 years with a sociopathic narcissist. I wish I had had this knowledge, then but I know it will help others in the future. We survivors are so grateful for your work, Dr. Ramani .
Yes, 10 years here, too.
Thanks Doctor Ramani! This will definitely help in explaining to others about narcissism. I have witnessed that many people get a deer in the headlights syndrome when you come out and say narcissist.
I went to therapy for the first time today. Forgot this c.r.a.v.e.d. thing, but I did use it sort of.
I did not use the word narcissist or no contact.
It looked like they understood what I was saying 🙏🏼
To be continued
Thanks dr. Ramani for this. It’s easier to address the definitions than speaking out the word. And people are more willing to accept your argument.
I always use the definition of communism, ideology, socialism, and racism to address them to my students. Because if you say these taboo words, they trigger negative/positive responses (depending on the individual’s personal beliefs). After I address the definitions, I bring out the terminology, and it becomes much easier to teach them about these concepts.
Dr. Romani has helped thousands more than she realizes. At this late stage in my life I finally understand my constant distrust and need to push people away, especially family. Can't afford therapy but have chickens!!
Great Neumonic device for recognizing a narcissist and being able to analyze the problem of explaining to anyone who needs to know, without labeling the offender.😇
I honestly have no idea how I would have survived the rage of the narc if I didn't have your informative videos! I've been a subscriber for at least four years. Doctor Ramini -- you are a God send. I can't thank you enough!!
Yay!! Thank you for your brilliance.
So true. Most people know narcissism as self centered or concerned with vanity. narcissism is so overused and most people don’t know what it fully entails.
Just to be able to convey even one of these confounding dynamics to live with feels so stabilizing and empowering.
“The word narcissist- is like a well stuffed burrito” - I will never look at a burrito the same again. Thank you, Dr. Ramani!
Dr. You may be interested in knowing there is court case where a man shot five coworkers (made national news) and his defense is that he suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Now from my understanding, he will claim thst he is not responsible. Let's see where this goes. I almost spit out my coffee when I heard this.
OH MY GOD 😳
It would have been better if he said he was a psychopath or sociopath people with NPD are not bipolar unlike people with BPD narcs can control their emotions they just don't care or feel the need to. Good luck for this person to prove his argument in court
Do you have any links to stories about this event? I believe you and all, but, I just have to check this out.
Victimized-absolutely. I sat through YEARS of trauma bonding via all of the people in her life who sexually abused her. I felt so sorry that she had been so poorly used.
This is one of your best videos because it breaks down the technical and descriptive language that many of us need in our arsenal when dealing with these difficult people.
This is good too keep in mind on BOTH sides of the conversation! Especially if you DO work in HR or courts, etc. Narcissists themselves will use terms like narcissism and gaslighting and abuse. But they can't back up those names with useful examples. They'll say you're a narcissist without knowing what it means. Beeing able to describe what's happening makes it meaningful.
Dr Ramani! I swear it’s as if you were a fly on the wall in the house I grew up in. Both parents and sister are narcissists, classic textbook, golden child, scapegoat etc. I didn’t know what a narcissist was until I heard of it one day and I looked it up. I have experienced exactly what you say in this video. When I went to therapy. the word “narcissist” was never mentioned in my sessions which is so sad to me because once I learned about it on my own everything made sense. I no longer have contact with my family for almost 9 years. I’m so thankful for you and your videos!
This is by far one of the most applicable and helpful video!!! Thank you so much for this breakdown Dr. Ramani!! I’ve needed this for years! So grateful for you and all your determination and passion to give us tools to use to navigate through this. Blessings to you! Praying for you and your loved ones as well! 🙏🏻💞🙌🏻
Brilliant and so needed. I had a lot of trouble with my ‘mumbo jumbo psychological labels’ when I used the word narcissist. I did notice the people who warned me off the dating narc used the word abusive and controlling to refer to his history.
Use C.R.A.V.E.D. method to describe, rather than using the “narc” word” (like in court or with your boss)
C - Conflict - high conflict (including covertly, argumentative, always looking for a fight, blow up if you don’t disagree with them, etc.)
R - Rigidity - unyielding, not amendable to change, not adaptive to a variety of situations. Don’t bend (try to bend them, they’ll snap)
A - Antagonistic , (manipulative, exploitative, arrogant)
V - Vulnerable and very vindictive (if they think you were unfair, come after you or talk about you), victimized. (things have unfairly happened to them). [Covert types find passive aggressive ways to be vindictive, e.g., make your life uncomfortable but don’t let you know they are causing it on purpose].
E - Entitled (One of their most forward-facing traits). When entitlement not met (have to wait in line like everyone else), it’s usually met with a lot of rage, e.g., entitled to knowing about others’ lives, entitled to the seat they want, the space they want, etc.
D - Dysregulated, very reactive and quick to anger, unable to control their emotions, Under conditions of frustration, disappointment, abandonment or stress, NPDs will lash out and it’ll happen very quickly, in a flash.