I work with children with challenging behaviours and this is NOT a teaching moment. All you need to do is keep them safe. Teaching moments are for when children are calm and ready to listen and learn. The middle of a tantrum is not that moment!
@@EmmaHubbard Honest question: If we validate emotions no matter how extreme or violent, do they become that peculiar group of adults who throw toddler-like tantrums when they're upset because they feel completely justified in doing so? How do we avoid that?
@methylphosphatePOET Hi! I know you didn't ask me, but rather Emma. I'm a mental health therapist and would like to offer my thoughts (take them or leave them, it's just my thoughts/experience.) I think it comes down to whether or not that teaching moment was there. The teaching moments are important to teach proper coping skills, as well as emotion identification (both super important), but I think the teaching moments need to extend to learning social skills and being tuned into other people (and where the boundary lies for them to not feel responsible for other's feelings too.) So they would learn that their feelings aren't always facts, so they can feel frustrated, but that doesn't mean the underlying message is true. If that makes sense? I'm trying to word things without writing an entire dissertation, lol.
@@methylphosphatePOETI would also add for those super extreme reactions and feelings, it's important to teach/ investigate why those responses are at such a higher level than warranted and help the kid work through that. For example, a kid could flip a desk over dropping their pencil. Acknowledge the frustration, but ask why that caused such big feelings. Learn the kid may feel they fail at everything (I can't even hold a pencil.) Deal with that feeling, and the extreme reactions should go down. If done with kids, hopefully as an adult those reactions won't be as intense. And for the violent ones, hopefully teaching proper coping skills can replace the violent tendencies with more appropriate ones. Most kids just don't know another way to cope, so when they learn something that gives the same release AND prevents them from getting in more trouble, they're pretty willing to try.
As a behavior analyst who has worked with numerous families and children, my favorite line during a tantrum is “You seem ____(validate feeling, frustrated, angry, mad). I’m going to give you a moment and when you feel better we will ____(redirection, play, eat, dance). Parents are amazed at how fast the tantrum subsides and their child regulates their emotions. Obviously, if the child is experiencing something they had no control over (something breaking or getting hurt) always comfort them. But when the child is the one creating the tantrum, giving attention to the tantrum is just reinforcing it. They learn, I kick and scream and cry..I get ____(attention, toy, out of doing a task). When the child calms down..reward them for calming down and come back to the original issue. I’ve been able to turn 30min tantrums into 20second upsets with this method. Good luck!
Every behaviour analyst has learnt about de-escalation right? We don’t try and engage when a child is in that stage as they are not able to listen or process what we say. Just stay close, keep them safe.
@@marrooshhaha I do something similar with my son. I stop doing what he wanted and I tell him "we can talk about doing xyz when you are calm" and I'll take a seat. Then he rears up screaming but calms down really quick because he wants xyz.
That makes sense! I have a follow up question . My kiddo is 18 months old. She has started throwing tantrums mostly for phone or something she is mouthing and is taken away. Her crying triggers me so my first impulse is to hand over the thing causing meltdown. How do I stop doing this? TIA.
Our experience was more in line with what you are talking about here. Attention = validation. Particularly because 90% of the tantrums in our house were because Mom or Dad had said "no." And talking to my friends, 90% of the time, that was the cause of the tantrums in their house too. We acknowledged their feelings and then sent them to calm down in their room, or a quiet spot. Being in the room with the kid, or any further engagement after acknowledging their feelings turned into pleas and attempts to manipulate us into changing our decision. Sitting there and offering comfort - when the distress was caused by a parent's decision - gave the false hope that somehow that decision was under review. We need to back up the words of, "My decision is final" with the actions of either walking away ourselves, or sending the kid to their room.
I appreciate this video. My daughter has tantrums that escalate very quickly and I tried both validating her emotions, and the "calm down alone in your room and then you can come out" tactic. Neither worked well. Each tactic ramped her emotions up through the roof. One day I silently brought in art supplies to the room she was having a tantrum in. I sat down and started drawing by myself, and she came over interested to join. We did art together and she calmed down. We had A wonderful time together. When I was little my father would take me on long walks to calm down. I often didn't want to go. But he taught me that I needed to get out in the fresh air and move my body to calm down. Worked better than any validation. I have made the personal decision to not validate or discuss ALL the toddler emotions that happen in a day. (Trust me, we do discuss feelings-just not constantly) Distracting her through play, a car ride, and rocking is extremely helpful.
Distracting them from emotions rather than helping them experience and work through them isn't necessarily the aim either. Tbh I don't think the things you describe are distractions, more like helping them become regulated again.
@tr0llkona Somtimes, as an adult, when I'm sad, I go for a walk to calm my emotions. Then I talk about it all with my therapist. It's not always necessary to "sit with your emotions."
@@emilyann4549 I don't think I said it was always necessary to sit with your emotions? 🤔 I'm responding specifically to the word "distracting". Always distracting and never processing isn't healthy. You've described self-regulating and then processing.
OMG- SAY IT LOUD FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK!!! I am a preschool teacher and I have been doing this for decades because IT WORKS. My frustration with current parenting trends is that so many people- teachers and parents- seem unable or unwilling to ride out the tears and trust the process. The well-intentioned but wrong-headed assumption that children should be happy and emotionally and behaviorally unchallenged AT ALL TIMES is epidemic in (North) America; such child rearing practices yield adults who can not cope with even minor life challenges. It is truly a salve to my soul to hear your socio-emotionally HEALTHY advice! Thank you and please continue to share this vital message for our children’s sake!
Yes and this new trend seems to be promoting this practice of putting a screen in front of your kid at all times. Or maybe the screens came first than the inability for parents to deal with anything but a behaviorally unchallenged child? Either way. It seems like society still isnt learning it's lesson just dealing with this intolerance for toddlers big feelings in different ways. I heard horror stories of my grandfather not being able to deal with any crying (from his 7 children), and dealt with crying the way many parents did in the 60's. With his fist. My mother was a tad better but when my baby sister got older and we'd get into sibling fights and she'd cry... well it got ugly. At one point I left the house. The other time she kicked me out. Now the kid is crying its still "oh my just just stop!! I have to make it stop RIGHT NOW why am I saying this parenting hack and kid is still crying!! Oh look at screen stops all emotion" Okay so parents aren't beating their kids anymore, still isnt great parenting
@@aylabilse3697It’s the difficult balancing act of parenting your child, teaching them to deal with their emotions and the parent having the tools to manage their own mental health. Because really that’s what this is all coming back to. Hitting your kids and/or putting a screen in front of them is the parent not having the skills to manage an emotional child and their own emotions at the same time. In a way good parenting is striking a balance between both. Sometimes sending your kid to their room is not so much a punishment for them but to save them from you losing your mind on them and giving you space as a parent to put your head back on straight and give you time to think so you don’t say or do something unhelpful. lol
Anyone else who's watching this to teach themselves what they didn't get to learn as children? I know it's odd but I feel inspired by this. I've found this video very educative
Yes, I'm a neurodivergent young man who constantly got hit and yelled at whenever I had just a tantrum or a big meltdown crisis, and the results are drastic as hell, I've got terribly neglected because my parents didn't know what to do with me and how to do it correctly and they messed me up badly. I'm trying to learn the most possible to understand myself and going through my traumas and my bad behaviors
I was very sensitive and cried a lot as a child. My niece is the same way. I watched my mom yell at my niece for crying over something that seemed menial. Although my parents were overall great, I vowed I would never do that to my kids.
Yes, I was hit and shamed for expressing negative emotions. I was a super emotional child, so I got hit and shamed every day. Actually, my mother threw violent tantrums as a reaction to my tantrums. At 40 years old I'm still trying to figure out how to function normally on an emotional level.
Thank you - true for me, this advice always made things worse for my three-year old boy. Also, he generally dislikes scripts. Since he was two, whenever I used the same wording because he was upset, he'd angrily say "You said that last time! Why do you always say that?" I was low-key proud that he recognises generic remarks and asks for a different style of communication. After all, I wouldn't like it either.
It's the same when people say "you're not alone, there are other people that are going though the same things,". Yeah, thanks for reminding me that other people are suffering. Your son is very intelligent by the sounds of it
@@audreydoyle5268 Oh, I always hate this. Do people just forget that empathy is a thing? "Why yes, I DO love the fact that people are dying all over the world of preventable causes! Thinking about that DEFINITELY made me feel great and cured my depression!" Like...what.
What i did working as a nanny, and now with my own kids was "i see you're upset, do you want to tell me about it" Or "it's okay to.." and either say cry or whatever feeling they seem to be feeling. Then "do you want to talk about it". Validating their feelings doesn't mean tolerating bad behavior. once they start hitting, throwing things or anything like that i go to "you can come talk to me when you've calmed down" I've never heard or read to keep repeating what they are feeling. If someone did that to me i'd get irritated with them and feel like they were mocking me. Even with adults if someone tells me they are in a bad mood i ask if they want to talk about it. If they do want to talk i sit there and listen to them. Just having someone to listen, not try to fix it but just listen help a lot no matter what age you are.
Years ago when my friend’s then-five year old threw a tantrum, when she started screaming and yelling I watched my friend swoop in and tell her “it’s ok for us to feel angry but we don’t shout and scream, ok?” as she was offering hugs to physically help her regulate her haywire emotions. That same kid still struggles at times (as all kids do) but she is extremely emotionally intelligent thanks to that firm but compassionate parenting.
This week and last, I’ve been babysitting a special needs child who would have several moments of missing their mom during the day. Tears threatening to fall, emotions overwhelming, a potential start to a meltdown brewing. I would say “Looks like we need to have a sad moment. Would this be a good time for a hug.” Sure enough, having those emotions validated and comfort offered did the trick and they’d were ready to be distracted for another hour or two before having another sad moment.
What you do is great but totally different from calming down a toddler who is having a tantrum because you put a pillow back on the sofa without knowing it was a drum in his world that must stand specifically at that point and he does not accept you puting it back.
@@masterlee9822no she's recognizing that child is understandably missing their primary caregiver and special needs children often aren't able to verbalize their emotions which can lead to lashing out and having uncontrollable meltdowns. They struggle with transitions far more than typical children do. Pretending someone's feelings don't exist and forcing them to repress them doesn't make it 'go away' it's a precursor to developing unhealthy coping mechanisms and mental illness down the line. She's validating what is already going on and helping them work through it which encourages children to learn to self regulate. Mother of twin 4 year old special needs children. Also was a respite carer for 15 years for IHC a nanny for a family with two autistic children and grew up with two special needs siblings.
Omg THANK YOU. I went through this just last night with my 19 month old and felt so helpless. He wants to go play in the basement all the time right now, and I'm pregnant and don't want to do the stairs a dozen times. So finally I said no, we're all done with the basement. Poor thing cried for 30 mins till I put him to bed early. Acknowledging his feelings helps sometimes, but not this time. Redirecting did nothing. I mostly just had to sit in silence and rub his back. Going upstairs to brush teeth actually ended the tantrum. I've been stressed feeling like I did nothing, so it helps so much to hear that supporting him quietly is okay.
Sounds like they just wanted to sleep, I noticed it with my 3 kids too. About bed time, or dinner time, yet seems too early for us adults, yet the child is getting upset every 5 minutes - most likely they do want to eat or sleep earlier than usual. And if you keep them from it, they might even then have trouble eating or falling asleep. Kids are tricky 😂
I may be wrong but I say " why are you crying? Are you hurt? (they usually say No) Are you hungry ? (most time they say no) and last I say.. then why are you crying? .. this works even with the toddler.. sometimes they actually will tell me why they are crying even if it's "I don't know)
Gosh, yes!!! I do the same, I incentivise her to understand what’s going on around and what’s causing her frustration. Just saying “are you hurt”, “what’s making you angry”, “is it because I took your cutlery? I did that because you throw your fork on the floor and I what you to understand it’s not cool” It’s magical how the energetic movements and yelling fades little by little and turns into attention and conscience until she forgets she was so stressed to begin with. And it makes sense, I mean, if you just keep repeating “I understand bla dee bla” with no resolution it’s like talking to your husband while he says “uhum” but can’t repeat a word when you ask him what you were talking about 😂
Yep, I've found that just embracing my daughter calms her down way better than anything else. Once she's calm we can talk about what made her feel that way and how we can move on. Body contact works for her better than any combination of words in that moment.
As a mom of 4, soon to be 5, I was just thinking that I don’t actually think our kids have had tantrums. But also, I’m big on the hug… I’ll hug them and say an “angel of God” prayer… I’ll hang on until they’re ready to let go. Our young children have regulated really well I think… teenagers… lol I need a video on that.
If your child needs you, of course you should be there for them. But we also shouldn't validate bad behavior. We all have days when we get upset and have moments that aren't our best. But that doesn't mean we should coddle them when they are screaming or acting out. Of course we should let our kids know we love them. But they need structure too. When they know where the boundaries are, they're actually more secure.
I grew up in the "cry it out" household. Actually my grandparents had a "no crying allowed" house. If ever I was upset I would have to squirrel myself away in a corner and cry as quietly as possible. They were never physically or verbally abusive, they just never cared for crying. My baby, 9 months - not quite a toddler has her moments of not being able to cope and has little meltdowns and it takes every effort I have to not tell her that "its ok" "hush now". I try and say things like "oh, thats a big emotion we're feeling" which helps me remember that for her, it is a big emotion and she doesnt know how to regulate. I'll talk camly to her and tell her to have a good cry about it. It's nice to know I'm on the right page about handling it. I do often say "i hear you" but thats more when she's whinging as opposed to crying a lot. Its so hard 😂
Wow... literally a new mommy of a 9 monrh old who has little melt downs that seemed usual ro me since shes still an infant. Im glad to know it isnt just my baby and isnt me. I feel comforted.
I feel you and realized through having my own kid my terrible way of dealing with emotions. My instinct is to make my kids stop crying or for me to leave the room (to make them stop). So I have to constantly fight against that because it sends the message expressing your emotions aren't ok and crying isn't ok. It's hard work to stay calm, too have to identify emotions (as I realize I don't do that well) and validate being upset and sad and crying while it won't change the situation or get my child what they want. And then when the not ok behavior like screaming and hitting and throwing things happen then how to say that's not ok and usually I have to say we do not hit or you can go in your room and hit your bed/pillow and come out when you're done "having a fit" we call it. My kiddo also doesn't want hugs or back pats or snuggles or anything, just to sit there crying. So that's hard too. Usually by the end we have a hug. When my kiddo was little I realized they needed time away from a busy situation to recharge cuz they'd get overwhelmed (me too). So id work more to make that time where I could. The worst were after a long day away and not good naps and by the time we got home late and overtired it was a hysterical crying mess that nothing could calm down except snuggling in bed with a bottle or fruit pouch. And I thought we were past that now that we're older but we had two episodes like that within the past few months but now with more words. After trying many things I went back to snuggling with a fruit pouch and it actually worked. Then kiddo could calm down and I helped get all the changing and teeth brushing to get to bed cuz they were way past being able to do that without one or the other of us getting irritated from tiredness and yelling. So these lessons we learn with the toddler still apply to older kids just with adjustments for age.
Love this! Thank you for acknowledging that being our child's calm is one of the hardest parts of parenting. So tough to have to constantly emotionally regulate for another tiny being on top of ourselves during the stresses of day to day parenting life.
As a preschool teacher with attachment theory training this is spot on :) acknowledging their feelings is a good and important step, but being with them is maybe even more important
Makes sense, but I feel like we enable them too often to act on their feelings. Feelings can be wrong. Sometimes we need to teach them how to control those emotions and think more logically about the situation. I think it’s a fine balance!
It's all about what's appropriate for the age. Toddlers have very literal control over anything. Their brain literally cannot. All the emotions everywhere all at once add in wanting to be a big kid but body is physically limited and wanting to play but still needing naps and good sleep and then bam sickness. So, for these ages, it is working on giving a name to what they are feeling. To help them be able to express what they are feeling verbally. To help them feel others can understand then and their feelings. The feeling will not cease to exist if not validated. Then showing and taking about what is ok when angry or sad or hurt or happy is important too. They are watching us, so we need to model too (which is very hard for me personally). With my school age kid we are getting into the I don't want to do this or don't feel like it, but we need to do it anyway. Like exercise, school, cleaning etc. It's almost like a mind blowing concept to them. I was getting the "I hate school" or "it's boring" or "I can't do it". And yeah, school up to now has been all about fun things and fun experiences and now it's turning into having to work that brain, which isn't easy or always fun. So these ages we see that just cuz our emotions feel this way doesn't mean we act on it. Or don't have to do the hard work until our emotions feel like it's fun now. I'm still working on that lesson for myself and trust me, my parents didn't enable any feelings, only logical arguments. Logical thinking is more abstract and we have to guide them to move from concrete and real world connections to the more abstract, which is very tricky and I think we push for the abstract thinking in academics and emotions way too early without the connecting bridges to being the understanding. I think that's why do many ppl hate math cuz it can be so abstract.
I love your example that if we as adults are venting, the last thing we want is someone saying, "I see you're upset" without just sincerely listening or present.
I find it so much easier to be there for them during a tantrum while wearing earplugs. I wore them when he was very young too when he had colic. To someone else, it may seem like you are being cold, but you don't need to suffer hearing loss to show empathy. And you can still hear it plenty well through the earplugs.
Amazing tip! I wish I thought of this when my boy was little, I have another one on the way so I will remember to try this. I don't think it seems cold at all, it's the opposite. Trying new ways to stay calm in the chaos can only be a good thing. X
I think I need to try this. I'm willing to be patient for them to ride out their tantrums but the sensory overload of their crying and screaming just grates me in a way that completely puts me on edge and then it turns into a vicious cycle of nobody handling their emotions well... 😣
My son is 2 and when he's upset I have say let's take a few deep breaths and I take several very exaggerated breaths. It's amazing how much that works. He will breath with me and usually calms down. He's behind on speech but is so receptive. I have so much more patience than most first time Moms because I was a respite caregiver for many years before having my son. I took care of a child with special needs. She helped me be the very best Mom I could be when I finally got to be one!
That’s so cool! I did this with a youngster I nannied but it was due to his getting so excited he’d start a sentence, get stuck, start again, get stuck in the same place, and it would nearly become one of those “blips” you could imagine a robot experiencing when it shorts out. I would catch his attention with his name and then say, “it’s ok, just stop for a second and breathe with me” and we’d take a couple of deep, exaggerated breaths and then I’d say “ok, try now” and he’d get the whole sentence out no problem. In less than a month, he would catch himself, stop, take a couple of deep breaths and then say the full sentence perfectly. It was really cool when he did it on his own the first time - 5 years old and he just did it! Lol! I still get excited over it. 😆
My sons tantrums were linked to food. We did Feingold (no artifical anything) and they stopped. Petroleum based additives are neurotoxins. He still ate fave foods, just clean versions with no FCS or preservatives, artificial colors or flavors. He was too young to realize what those things did to him. When he was off them and a little older, he told me they made his brain feel funny.
It works for my child. She calms down when she feels acknowledged, it gives her vocabulary to express and understand her feelings and focus on the way she reacts. Feelings are all valid, it’s the actions that are not
@@karinababy6557absolutely. A lot of these videos act like toddlers have already mastered empathy and are going to somehow feel comforted by words they don’t even comprehend.
I always do this at my job at a daycare and it works the best! They know that when they are sad that they can come to me and after they are calmed down I can talk to them and explain stuff. Sometimes my colleagues try to talk to the child in the middel of the tantrum and most of the times the child gets more angry of frustrated from it
Every child is different, but for my son (2 and a half), STATING how he feels (with a very bland statement) is super irritating to him. But if I ask him by labelling very precisely the situation and feeling, he instantly connects with me and we can work from there. E.g : "I can see you are upset..." = yelling even louder. But "are you disappointed because you wanted to watch another video ?" or "are you scared because this chair is too high?" = (usually) crying "yes!!" and then being open to finding a solution. But he is VERY language-driven and speaks a lot for his age.
This way of speaking is what Marshal Rosenberg calls "a demonstration of understanding". It's how he defines empathy. Excellent example. Thank you for sharing!
I've tended to say more like how you explained, especially with identifying things going on. It helps cuz sometimes the kids will say no, it's not cuz of the toy, it's cuz they didn't get the blue cup, etc which sometimes has an easier solution.
Your videos are helping me so much. I just found out I'm pregnant days ago and I came across this channel. It's going to help me out so much later and I'm not seeing motherhood so scary anymore the more of the videos I watch. I didn't get any of this when I was little. My mom was very angry and neglected me and I had to bury my feelings of just go shut myself away.
Congratulations on your pregnancy. I really hope your feeling well and not too tired! It’s great you are already studying up on motherhood. You are already going to be an amazing mum!
@@EmmaHubbard thank you so much. I'm saving a lot of your videos about newborns and I'm going to study them like I'm in school! I'm excited while watching. I know there will be tough moments but I'm counting it all joy! 💙
Me too. My mother actually completely ignored me when I cried and then I became so desperate the emotions became stratospherically huge because she wasn’t there. I just remember my childhood a series of massively painful emotions. The importance of just being there is so big
A bit clickbaity the title. You are right and you know you agree with the “trend”. It was never about the words “I see you are upset” it’s about listening, being at their level during the tantrum and being supportive. You said it well.
Thank you SO much for this! My son is 2 and I have been a bit confused while trying to apply all these social media reels about validating his feelings when he has a tantrum because every time I say “I understand you’re upset because of xyz” or “it’s really hard when you can’t have that, I know” - he gets EVEN angrier! 😟 and you’re right, I don’t know what to do after that so I just keep repeating it and it has never helped 😅 I have been at a loss the last few days of increased tantrums while we are travelling and was praying for an answer as to what to do 🙏🏻 and I’m so so glad to see your video today. Now I can hopefully support him better and I’m glad I can step away when he doesn’t want me around because sometimes it’s really exhausting to be in the line of fire multiple times a day 😓
There is SO much misinformation on social media! Ask your pediatrician, they can point you in the direction of experts or credible material. Social media does more harm than good, please keep that in mind
We had an attachment-disordered child. _Parenting With Love & Logic_ (Jim Fay) was a lifesaver, as was an adoptive/foster support group. One thing I had to learn with our guy was that giving him space was crucial. I’d tell him, “I care about your feelings-even angry ones-but I can see you’re not ready to talk. Come find me when you’re ready to be calm and respectful.” Sometimes _I_ was the one who needed space: “I am really too angry and frustrated to talk about this right now! I’m gonna go calm down and then I’ll be back.” We may as well be honest about our own feelings (appropriately) because our kids pick up on them, anyway. We can teach them about handling feelings by letting them watch us handle ours.
It's not exactly misinformation, since you can state the feeling and such, but it is INCOMPLETE information, or oversimplified description and explanation. Like those people read a blurb by someone else who read a blurb, and things get lost in translation.
Hi! I just came across your comment and since you mentioned you'll try this as new method of dealing with tantrums, I was wondering if it really helped in the moment?
Bend your parenting around your toddler’s ever-changing feelings and you will raise an adult who will destroy their lives with adult tantrums brought on because they can never quite figure out why the world doesn’t change to meet their emotional needs. Be firm, be consistent, be fair, forgive quickly and fully. Don’t add fuel to tantrums by indulging them with attention. Emphasize the activities you share with your child. Their tantrums are beside the point.
My experience, "I see you want another cookie and I understand your feelings", they perk up and quietly wait... "But you ate all of them and there are no cookies left".. WAHHH!!!! I WANNA COOKIE!!!! "I know, I know, it's ok to feel that way" I WANNA COOKIE!!!! I WANNA COOKIE!!!! I WANNA COOKIE!!!!
When our first born was a toddler, she would fall to the floor and flail, kicking and slamming her arms on the floor. There was a real danger of her hurting herself, and I was concerned that she may develop a connection between pain and self soothing. She was a neuro “normal” child. So, one day, when we were playing a game and she was in a statisfied, contented, and quiet state, I asked her about what it is like to have a meltdown. She told me it was out of control and scary. I then asked her what she thought I or her dad could do to help her calm down when she got in that uncontrollable state? I gave loads of suggestions and asked her if she had any more ideas. She told me that it would be soothing if when she got that way I could get one of her favorite books, sit near her while she is having a tantrum, and quietly read. It worked. Our second child chose some songs we could quietly sing to her when she was out of control. That worked, too. I don’t know if there may be some underlying issue I could have caused by doing that, but I do know that it helped them feel empowered, at that early age, to talk to us about how we can help them best. And we ended up with less stress all around.
I think people tend to overlook that the negative attention received is also something kids end up striving for, like ‘I kick I scream I cry I get [negative] attention.’ It sounds weird but it ends up being a reinforcement. So loving the calm acknowledgement of feelings and the ‘hey, when you’re calmed down, we can get back to the matter at hand and figure out how to handle this better in the future.’
A lot of the time those kids are like that because they are neglected at home. They start to realize that if they act negatively the negative attention gets them the attention and connection with their parents even when it's not good attention. I know this from actual experience and years working in the school system myself. Kids learn that they only are only cared about if they do something negative.
@@nikkifoster9943Very good point. And it is a tricky thing to remember to encourage and reward the good behaviors and ignore the bad or give consequences when necessary. When I was a preschool teacher it was so much more effective to praise the kids doing the right thing or following my instructions and then have the others immediately imitate than criticize the bad. Having those kids who you can tell just need extra attention and validation be your special helpers or have the special job worked such wonders for them. And a positive reinforcement system. I still had time outs but used them much much less when I had coins I have out and took a coin away for not appropriate behaviors.
All people around us say that I'm such a loving and gentle mom. But sometimes, when I'm really stressed because of something, and right in that moment my 2 yo daughter begins to cry because of something stupid (in my eyes), I tell her with an angry voice "Be quiet! I don't want to hear you cry!" This happens like, don't know, twice per month? And when I calm down I feel so sad that I told her that, like she hasn't the right to have feelings. I want to become better, I hope that I haven't hurt her too much or ruined something in her soul...
I just started the Happy Place course, and already I'm very happy with the level of detail and how the videos are broken up. Congrats on rolling it out! I love diving into the science of what is going on with my toddler.
I am so glad you are enjoying it. The science part is the part I love best too! Once you know this part it helps me understand what we should do as the adults and why our little ones respond the way they do during tantrums.
One of the most effective (but hardest to successfully implement) tools I've used is a combination of emotional mirroring and modeling. It's one thing to be told "it's OK to be upset" but it feels kind of hollow especially if your parent is never upset, and just tells you that it's OK. I felt this happening with my daughter, because she would start to feel bad about feeling bad, and for me to just tell her that it's fine and I'm there for her could be infuriating because she could see me regulating myself but she felt she was kind of a failure for being unable to do it herself. The biggest success came when I could match her emotional intensity, rather than be distant and cold and say "It's OK to be upset" while never showing myself ever be upset. It's HARD, to actually mirror some of those feelings, while still keeping control, while still modeling good behavior. To not just tell her it's OK to be upset, but to be upset along with her. But then to help bring it down. But it's in those times that I've found the best connection. But it's hard to be upset with her, for her, without getting upset over my own things, or getting upset about her, or to seem like I'm mocking her. I don't know if I can recommend it. I have done it rarely, because I don't think I can confidently do it on a regular basis without hurting her. But at the same time, I think that sometimes we would do that more naturally in the past, when it was more OK to let our kids ramp up our own emotions, and maybe we would get upset but upset at them. I wonder sometimes if that was in a way comforting for them. I think that it's generally not good, but I think in other ways, that serene, distant, cold, "It's OK for you to be upset" is also hurtful, because mom or dad never get upset, they're saying it's OK, but is it really? I obviously can't be like them, and they show that they never want to be upset around me, so if it's OK to be upset, why do they never let themselves be upset like I do? I was just surprised at how well received this has been the few times I've tried it, but I've tried it out of a hope to help comfort, not out of annoyance of a desire to get her to stop a bothersome tantrum. Dunno. Just a thing.
I had to learn to do this exact thing for one of my grands. His father, who would only be hearing the interaction not seeing it, thought I was actually feeling everything I was emoting & couldn't understand WHY it worked. Until I sat him down one day & explained that I wasn't exactly FEELING what he heard, but ACTING what I was seeing his son doing. That it was what got through his son's anxiety & extreme overthinking of whatever circumstances he was reacting to. It was stressful, of course, to do this but not bcs I'd be upset, but bcs I was having to use all my creative resources in that moment, & gauge exactly what to do, & when, so that I stopped when necessary. It wasn't something my son could do, as he is also DX'd w/ ADHD, but doesn't have the anxiety component his son does. So that's where they can't quite connect. I'm more typical than any of my children or grands, so I can see where I can help, and create solutions. They can pick those up though, and carry forward. ❤
You're very right. I've learned from some very wise mom friends of mine who use their mess ups with losing their tempers as an opportunity to apologize to their kids and explain what they shouldn't have done and ask for their forgiveness. I remember one time my kid was so upset and so was I, probably at each other, and I told kiddo I was so upset I want to take this glass in my hand and throw it on the ground and smash it. Kiddo was almost shocked, like really? It helped them see how frustrated I was too. And it helped us both calm down much quicker. Nothing changed in the situation but we expressed ourselves. You could also have the conversation (with an older kid) about how you've been working on not screaming when your upset even though you might want to since you've been a kid. Cuz it's important as an adult to not have a tantrum like we do as kids. We see plenty of videos of grown adults screaming and hitting their tv and destroying it so I use that as an example of how we can't be doing that as an adult. And maybe that person didn't work on that so now have a broken tv
Great video! I also hear other parents suggest to say when their child starts to lash out physically " I know your angry right now but I need to step away so I am safe because hitting is not okay" or something along those lines.
@@YSLRD Exactly. I do not understand how parents get to this point. Are you are parent or not? Todays parents are handing their kids with gloves for NOT TO UPSET them in any way. And then they have children that are out of control and do not how to behave at all. Later in life your child will not thank you for that.
@@hannahgallego5884i saw in another comment someone say that they get used to the negative attention that they get when they have a meltdown and that I guess their brains are now wired to tell them that they “need” that negative attention. It’s so hard because sometimes my 6yo does this too and I don’t know whether to leave so she stops trying to get negative attention because I’m not there to give any, or whether to stay to monitor and intervene in case she’s kicking/hitting something hard and about to injure herself. It’s the hardest thing I’ve done yet
Mother and I have never had good communication. Several of my therapists think my tantrums were anxiety driven. I still remember feeling everything was unfair and mother screaming at me for my behaviour. It escalated to the point where in my teenage years both my siblings could snatch things out of my hands and a reaction from me, like "hey, give it back" ,had mother swooping in and come down hard on me, anticipating me behaving appalling. I was so stupid I I always proved her right.
Thanks so much for sharing. Hopefully by working together with your therapists you have worked out a more effective communication style with your mother.
You weren't stupid for reacting. You are a person. I might be projecting, but I had a parent who was always wrong while the other was always "perfect". But fights would happen regularly. And things were always blamed on the one. Some people need to see reactions from others to valid their own feelings of being fine or better. I remember feeling a lot of unfairness and frustration in my family growing up. I always tried to be the good child not causing any trouble or problem and I took pride in that and can see my own tendencies toward narcissistic traits cuz my first instinct is to think how it isn't my fault but blame anything else. How I did everything right. Expect yeah right, cuz how can anyone be perfect? Sounds like you are doing the work in therapy which is good. The wisdom I can give you from my experience is yes, our circumstances helped form how we are and how we react now, and maybe we have more struggles in some areas than others so. But we still choose how we respond now. And we can choose to do the work in ourselves to improve and give others grace, even if it was never given to us. We may never get acknowledgement or apologizes from our family. In fact, I have to be careful what I talk with my mom about because she cannot see what I saw and feels attacked. But we can still forgive and move on, taking the power away from them.
I'm glad that even you can see that the discussing a tantrum with a toddler who doesn't even understand what," I see that you're upset." means doesn't make sense. I keep seeing parents hold the Toddler in a hold online while they're giving out a million soothing lines and the kid is just raging and not calming down at all😅
My 26 month old kicks at least once or twice a day. We've let her know that hurts and gives us boo boos. That doesn't work but we step out of her room or put her out of our room for 1 minute and it really helps. She doesn't like closed doors unless she has closed them. She does cry while the door is closed. We talk to her afterwards and its also worked for her jumping on our bed. When tell her we're putting her in the hallway for jumping she gets off the bed, walks herself out, and closes the door.
Thank you for this. Hope more and more parents get to see this. I remembered meeting a 'gentle parent' friend for the first time after lockdown, trying to soothe my girl having a tantrum by saying all these 'soothing' words. I was supposed to calm my baby down but instead I was also getting triggered and was so upset. I love how just hug and moment of silence always calm both of us when she's throwing a fit.
Yes! I learned that a meltdown just means they need to be hugged. No words. Nothing. Just give your damn kid a hug and kiss them on the forehead and let them cry. Bam. They’re over it in under 60 seconds.
Yep. Most adults who act this way never got it as kids either. You don’t outgrow having unmet needs. They just follow you forever until you fulfill them.
I just ignore the tantrum part and wait till they calm enough to hear me and tell them its ok to have a bad day but throwing tantrums will not get you what you want. My two boys dont throw tantrums, just 1 or 2 each and that was it. Theyve also sat in time out in the middle of the grocery/clothing store aisle. Theres only certain behaviors you can teuly ignore. Ignoring physical behaviors like hitting is not one of them.
I read once that childrens inner monologue is a version of the way theyre spoken to by their parental figures. So i wonder if when you tell a kid "its okay! Youre okay!" Is something that makes the kid think "im okay. Its okay" when they are without the parent under some stress?
I could see this being the case. My issue with "I'm ok" it's it's a very blanket statement that isn't true. You're not ok when you fall and skin your knee and tore your trousers and it hurts and stings. And saying you're ok is basically a lie. A variation might be better, like I can get through this or this is bad but we can handle it. I am sad/hurt but I will survive. And that's more nuanced for a young kid to understand. When my kid would spill or drop things I used to say it's ok! Until kiddo yelled one day "it's NOT ok!" As an entire smoothie was all over my kitchen floor. And they were right, it wasn't ok. But we could fix it. So that's what I say now, or some version. We can fix it. Let's figure out what to do now, which is what my brain automatically starts doing.
There’s some nuance here. It sounds like we should validate their emotions and let them know that we accept their emotions. But we can’t expect that validating their emotions is going to be a magic wand for stopping the tantrum.
Exactly! I think it’s that you need to acknowledge their feelings, then give them a solution or redirection once they’re calm. And the idea that over time, they will have the language and skills to calm down faster. Parents shouldn’t expect the kid to calm down right away the first time!
When i had tantrums as a young child, my mother would pick me up and put me under her arm ( especially if this happened in the food store) and after a while she would ask "are you done yet?", and if i said no she told me to continue until i was done. Not sure if this is the best approach but it must have looked hilarious 😂 she did the job of keeping me safe.
My mother had an extremely short fuse when it came to misbehaviour, so you learned at a very early age that throwing a tantrum would not be a good idea. If either of mine seemed to be even considering it, a look from me was enough to persuade them otherwise. Being teacher trained, I always spoke to them as if they were adults, even when they were infants. They listened, and responded accordingly. Children understand a great deal more than you think; if you are patronising towards them they will learn to use it on you.
Thank you. I've been reading No-Drama Discipline, and love this kind of advice. It hard to know how to apply what they say, and I just get more stressed, when I'm trying to be as calm as possible. Thank you
Lol! I'd cry if I hurt myself, and I remember being infuriated when my dad would say, "Oh, no, you broke the pavement!" He was trying to lighten the situation, but as a kid I just remember feeling like he was the most insensitive jerk on the planet! 😆
@@sanderstar1000while the brains are not developed all this psychology things also every 15 days scientist come up with is also equally useless. Atleast fear was a common factor in kids of older generations. We all knew to shut up to ‘I will give you something to cry about’ A consequence😂 I don’t know Mann but all these tactics seems so immature to me. I spanked my kids when they’re being too much to break their extreme energies. Only on bums. And age appropriate force. But it helped to break their train of thought and knew to fix their eyes on me and follow instruction. Ofcourse at 6,7,8 I started the I know how you feel conversation. Because they can process what I am trying to say. Validating a toddlers feelings is like telling the fire it’s hot. 😂 They need direction not validation.
This is a really great video... There's a really good book called "how to talk so little kids will listen". I highly highly recommend it for anyone who has a toddler
My daughter (19 months) is slowly entering this challenging phase of finding autonomy and throwing tantrums. One thing I do for example if she falls or drops something or can't get something to work properly and it frustrates her is this: 1. acknowledge her frustration and provide her with the physical safe space she wants, i.e. get close to her and pick her up if she wants that 2. mirror in a language she understands what just happened and that this caused her frustration/pain ending in a question she just has to reply to with a yes if I explained that right (which she usually does with a sigh of relief). What I hope to achieve here, is that she learns to identify what caused her emotions. And it's also a useful way to take her mind off crying and avoiding mantras like everything's okay (cause it's obviously not) or parroting the validation. 3. Once she calms down a little I ask her if it still hurts/she wants to fix it herself/I should help her fix it and how. This usually resolves the issue and I hope it helps her let go of the emotion in an appropriate way. Now if she trips over something she usually gets up, turns around and angrily points at whatever she tripped over, only to resume whatever she was doing after another sniffle and sigh - which makes me think I'm doing something right. I'd appreciate any comment on whether this is a beneficial strategy, or whether this could lead to unhealthy behaviours in it's own way. One situation for which I haven't found a good solution yet is when she is overwhelmed and indecisive, e.g. a trantrum on the way home form daycare if we stop at a shop or pass by a playground. I get, that she is then startled/overwhelmed by not going straight home or faced with conflicting wishes. But sometimes no compassion in the world helps and the easiest fix is to just roll a crying toddler home in the stroller, talking to her along the way, to get her back to her comfort zone asap. What would be a good thing to say in such a situation, where you can't just be there or wait on the sideline, because being in the wrong place is the whole problem? Sorry for the rant, but appreciate the platform and any comments.
I think people often misunderstand the importance of setting and developmental/age level. As a kindergarten teacher I can tell you the "take time to cry and then we will talk" approach is very useful. Its more of a classroom management tool though. If I stop everything to comfort a petulant child, I am teaching them that crying is a good strategy to gain my attention and that they are more important than the group. I also have to draw a line between the role of myself and their parents, or they will view me as a source of personal comfort instead of an authority figure.
As a teacher I do agree with this message. Do you think a teacher has time to keep comforting kids and talking for hours while trying to get a program done and an eye on 25 or more others. I like to talk briefly and after that we can speak about if there is something we can do about the situation. After that we continu the day and if you want to mope in the corner of the classroom for a while, you do you 🤷🏻♀️ I guess parenting is totally different, because the child knows he/she is your priority. Making it more difficult to put a bit of space and air between you and all those heavy emotions, possibly making it worse by not stepping back and keeping the focus on it.
I’m a doctor and my biggest issue tends to be parents who repeat the “I know you’re scared” mantra when I’m trying to do something completely unharmful (like looking in their ears), without then acknowledging “but we have to do this anyway.” I get it, I myself have a needle phobia. For my first surgery at age 12 I even needed a sedative after the IV was in. But I also did just have to do it because I needed the surgery and my mother had to work to get me to the point of acknowledging that, not just accepting my feelings about it
Also, doctors need some more strategies that can make things less painful for kids. E.g. pinching or pushing down on an area before the injection, saying that it will feel like a pinch or a mosquito - comparing the needle to something the child is familiar with and not afraid of. Asking whether they want you to tell them when you poke them or not - NOT everyone actually wants to know that NOW you will feel something I agree that parents should rather focus on that this is important, and that sometimes you don't even feel much, and then you are PROTECTED 😄 How cool isn't that? A little pinch, and we can be able to have an immune system that can fight dangerous pathogens! I absolutely understand that parents can be upset too that their child is being poked and may experience pain, but sometimes we just have to control it - there's going to be a lot of unpleasant things in life, and being to tolerate some of them is important for our well-being I've never had any kind of fear towards injections or drawing blood (have been a blood donor, and have had times whete I needed incmjections every day for a months, several times), but my little sister and some of my friends wete very scared of injections, and I had to find strategies to calm them down, and deconstruct the potential unpleasant feeling into things that they would be able to worry less about
@@lollsazz Completely agree, things need to be done on all sides to help make it as comfortable a process as possible. If you just go at it hammer and tongs you’re just setting them up to be MORE scared in the future. Unfortunately sometimes comfort just isn’t possible because they don’t or can’t understand, especially with toddlers.
Yes. I had very good success with the phrase "it's not fun but we do it." My son (later diagnosed with ADHD) HATED things like washing his face, brushing teeth, etc. And one day I said that, and it clicked in his two year old mind. "Not like! We do it." And he'd sigh and settle down into acceptance. (for the most part, sometimes I had to force it) It also helped for things like needles, hospital things, etc. He really felt better when I validated his opinion that it was not a preferred activity. But he knew that didn't mean it wasn't going to happen. I think having the emotional support and the modeling of ideas like "not all of life is just fun, but that doesn't mean that there's no fun" really helped him.
@@silversleeper1193 Sometimes toddlers do understand way more than people think though, so it's always worth trying. Mine was sbout 21 months when she hurt a tooth. We went to the dentist, and I told her to just explsin everything to my toddler and WHY we do it. She did, until she had to put X-ray film in her mouth, so todfler was very hesitant. I took over and ssid that it was going to turn into a picture of her teeth, and toddler placed the film in herself! Dentist said she had to sit very still, and she did - we got an excellent picture. Many don't expect kids below the age if 2 to understand this much, as many of them barely speak yet
I can get my daughter calmed down by teaching her the “exhale when you feel the pinch” trick a nurse taught me when I was pregnant (I also had needle phobia) But doctors need to not ***then restrain my child by forcing her down and holding her hands up by her head***. That is so unbelievably traumatizing for everybody, and I know because I had to receive 6 shots in one day when I was a toddler and I still remember that nightmare. And then had to have that done again when I was an adult for getting catheters and other procedures and I have *nightmares* from it. Like, I can do everything I can to calm my child down, but then they freak her out and pat themselves on the back by going “I knew she would be difficult” and she wasn’t going to be until she was held down like a violent patient.
I figured out on my own this works best. I just go do menial tasks around him and he calms down pretty quickly. He just needs time to process, unlike adults that can internalize the processing while going on about our day.
This is so true 100% . Moment you tell your kids - oh you are tired - to acknowledge why they are crying and acting out and you know they do this when they really need to get rest despite of your best intentions to help you just put more oil in the fire. Hugs on the other hand work 100% without words.
Very true. I've found as we are on the back end of the tantrum and still upset and crying but can actually hear more I can say things like it is near your bedtime and we had a big day I think maybe being tired is making it harder to not be sad, that's how I feel when I am tired. It's easy for me to be frustrated.
During my and 4 other siblings, we were mocked for crying, scared, angry and etc. Its very damaging and in my adult life im struggling with emotions.. It also gives me serious anxiety when i visit my father, who now has two young children, and he mocks them for having tantrums.
I work with children and it depends on the situation, sometimes this works like a child just getting frustrated with something like cant put their shoes on for example lol. But other times if they dont get their own way and have been told off the best thing you can do is let them get on with it and let them huff and puff - when you ignore a proper temper tantrum the child realises their not getting any attention and usually stops. But in saying all that I'm not saying it's an easy task to keep calm yourself when there is a three year old shouting their head off 😅😅
We have to consider our goal. Is the goal to shut the child up or to help the child self-regulate in times of distress? Even the word "tantrum" has an invalidating connotation.
I’m not a parent, but dolly want to be as soon as my husband and I are a little more stable. I’m in my late twenties and grew up in an emotionally, mentally, abusive and neglectful household. At 26 i still struggle with feeling like my emotions are invalid or causing others to be upset with me. I never learned how to regulate my emotions and i suffer from complex ptsd. I watch these videos whenever they pop up on my feed and they honestly help me reparent myself 🥲 I get to heal my inner child while also learning what to do when they day comes for me to finally be a mommy. This video hit home for me & i finally subscribed 💕
New Mom here! My son is almost 3 and I notice that he absolutely will not listen when he has a tantrum. I usually put him in "time-out" (I usually refer to it as "alone time") when he has these tantrums and I tell him that he can get down when he settles down. He calms down so much faster than he used to. When I think about myself, I have moments where I get overwhelmed and frustrated too. If someone tries to help me during those moments, it typically leaves me feeling even more frustrated and isn't very helpful.
My kiddo also doesn't want comfort or hugs or anything. I will try to sit with him when he's upset, cuz as hard as it is for me to sit while my kiddo is crying, I want him to know it is ok to cry when sad and to be sad and being sad doesn't mean he has to go have those emotions by himself. If he starts screaming or hitting that's a different story. The car is the worst cuz he'll be sad and crying but tends to ramp up the cries to louder and screaming and hitting the back of the seat. My kiddo is older now so I know he can control more than he could as a year old. When he was little I didn't make him stop flailing on the floor, but it would not give him whatever he wanted at the time.
Thanks for watching! I am so excited to share our new course Happy Place with you. You can check it out by clicking on this link: brightestbeginning.com/happy-place-course/
I thought about this one myself, and just figured out that just validating their feelings wouldn't do much - they sometimes need an explanation for why a situation is OK/not OK, a strategy for what to do, and maybe some distraction. Otherwise I would just keep reminding my toddler that she is upset... and then she remembers she's upset and cries more. Also, rocking her bottom back and forth, or swinging a little helps, so I do that, so I can interrupt the crying, and help her listen to me talk instead The few times she got angry, I stepped back, far enough so that she couldn't hit me or throw anything, and said that when she's ready, I'm here, and she can come and sit with me. She cried and screamed for a little while, then decided to sit on my lap with her back to me while she ate, and then it was OK to get a hug after a little bit of time. I wanted her to understand that being mean to me is unacceptable, but she could always come to me to get some hugs when she felt ready to
jesus THANK YOU im so tired of expecting little children need to endlessly verbally process everything - let kids feel their feelings and teach them to self regulate!
All I can do is calm myself, wait offer a kind face, try to caress them and then ask "do you want a hug" my youngest says noooo and 5 seconds later raises her hands. She does accept the hug. The tantrum stops. I think in the moment of tantruming they purely want what they want and don't always understand why we have said no. Most of her tantrums are due to her and her sister fighting over a toy.
Hi from Canada! I showed the Happy Place page to my man and we were like. Yep. That's us. We signed up real fast! Our boy will be two next week and we have been following your videos and advices since his first weeks of life. Congrats on this project, can't wait to begin! 🧡
I grew up in a family where kids aren't really allowed to have big emotions or upsets. The adults' solution was to just say: Stop crying, you're being a baby, you're crying/upset for no reason without any emotional support. They also would get angry with you if you got upset for "no reason." I was an especially sensitive child and having that lack of support whenever I was upset has, as an adult, made me super avoidant of conflict and not able to set boundaries because I am afraid of upsetting people. My brain also still equates -> doing something wrong with physical punishment so any light disagreement with a friend or my spouse turns my body into fight or flight mode. Long story short, I am happy to this new era of allowing kids to experience their emotions and not make them feel bad for it. I'm a great example of what can happen in adult hood when the other route is taken. Thank you for these videos, I really look to them to help me as I am a new mom and don't want to repeat my family's mistakes! ♥♥
I had a similar experience. Not said so much outright, but my mom was "emotional" and "flew off the handle" for "no reason" and my dad was cool and calm and logical and emotionless and he was also smart and worked and handled the finances and groceries and bills etc etc. So he was the example I aspired to be like while all the problems were seemed to be caused by my mom, so I didn't want to be emotional or show would like her. I can't help it and do, but it's something I have to right with my child to not turn and run away from emotions like they are bad. I've learned so much from having my kiddo and it's the long hard work dealing with it, not the easy answer of just shut them in a room until the crying stops. I've even shown my mom the validity of naming the emotions and not telling them to suck it up and not shame them for being excited about something. And I feel like my mom can relax more with me cuz I'm not always criticizing her for who she is like my dad always did. She's getting more internal strength but it's eye opening and world changing to realize all she's been through and her mom and why she acted the way she did. Working hard to break that cycle for my kiddo
My son has these moments that come out of nowhere, usually if their nap isn't long enough or they missed their nap all together. And it was so hard. I wanted to help soothe him but he just kept crying and screaming to "go back" when I tried to say soothing words. (he's 4yo with some speech delay). I sat down away from him but in sight, looking at the floor saying, 'mummy's here when you're ready' even though all I wanted to do was hold him in my arms and rock him. Eventually I was able to sit closer and closer until I was next to him. Took a good hour and he just about let me hold him once he did start to calm down.
We had an attachment-disordered child. _Parenting With Love & Logic_ (Jim Fay) was a lifesaver, as was an adoptive/foster support group. One thing I had to learn with our guy was that giving him space was crucial. I’d tell him, “I care about your feelings-even angry ones-but I can see you’re not ready to talk. Come find me when you’re ready to be calm and respectful.” Sometimes _I_ was the one who needed space: “I am really too angry and frustrated to talk about this right now! I’m gonna go calm down and then I’ll be back.” We may as well be honest about our own feelings (appropriately) because our kids pick up on them, anyway. We can teach them about handling feelings by letting them watch us handle ours.
I have been watching you for a tips since our boy was born last October. Finally hitting subscribe as you know we never have enough time to remember. Thank you for this video and all the rest. They have helped me , especially the crawling tips. I truly appreciate the time and effort you take for us new parents. God Bless You!
This is basically what I do, except I dont necessarily narrate his feelings to him, I am just there for support and I hold my son and I just say “I understand” and it works every time.
It seems like every couple of months I find a new parenting technique that contradicts the previous one I learned months ago. This is why I don't bother reading parenting books, too many contradict themselves. Also, telling my toddler I can see she's upset and making an upset face while I'm telling her this always calms her down so I guess every child is different.
@@Ray-pt5bi I know, it’s like if everything goes great you don’t need advice, but if something goes wrong you have a million pieces of contradictory advice given in an authoritative voice, and you’re left even more unsure than before
Me too! I will probably experiment with my child. And sometimes I want to be the parent. Even my child has to understand that I will not be patient always. Not at 2. But definitely at4.
"I see you are upset" what a cold detached response, and this is supposed to be the ideal verbal response from a parent? What about a spontaneous hug with something like "there there my darling, what's the matter?" And being gently rocked to and fro to comfort and relax the child, showing that the parent genuinely cares that the child is upset, not someone who is witnessing the distress but is indifferent to the distress.
It feels a bit stilted to us as adults because we know what the words are so well that it feels obvious but tiny little kids don't know how to name their emotions and explain what they are feeling so doing this is an important step to helping them connect when you hold them and ask them what is wrong. When someone is in the middle of an emotional meltdown, questions can often feel too hard. Ever had someone ask you too many questions when you are already feeling overwhelmed? So sometimes just helping them find the right terminology for what they are feeling is the most helpful thing you can do until they have calmed down enough to tell you more.
Thank you so much for this video! When my son was 18months, we struggled a lot with his meltdown. I followed the tips to repeat his emotion and he was even more frustrated. Now I have my second child and is 12 months old. I will definitely try what Emma shared in this video 😊
My 21 month old has multiple hissy fits per day and on occasion these will evolve into a full blown meltdown. The analogy that works for me is that my boy is a tiny vessel in a stormy sea of emotion and I’m his lighthouse. Lighthouses work great in calm waters but they’re most needed when the sea is at its most tumultuous. Leaving my son during a tantrum feels tantamount to a lighthouse turning off their light during a storm. I’ll either hold him or sit close by so he knows I’m there, I love him and I’m here for him. For me, it’s not about avoiding tantrums but helping him recover quickly and get on with having fun safe in the knowledge he never lost me or my affections for even a second.
I absolutely hate when anyone says I see you’re this or I understand you feel xyz. It’s like, yeah duh, cuz I just told you. I think it’s so rude. I had a therapist that did that once and I never went back. Repeating stuff back to show you listened is so rude. We typically assume people heard it or listened without them idiotically telling you.
It took me too long to understand, that my strong willed child settles best when left alone for some time in peaceful and quiet place. Everything I used to try to tell him during a tantrum was jus additional noise overwhelming him more. For us the best tactics was to talk it through later. I used to tell him that I will not disturb him while he tries to find his calm and I will be there if he needs my help.
My daughter’s never thrown a full-blown tantrum, I don’t think. When she’s gotten upset, usually what calms her down is giving her a glass of water and explaining that it’s okay to feel upset or angry (even if it’s at me), but she’s not gonna destroy or scream or hit. If she needs to cry, let her cry, if she needs to get away from me/the situation, let her get away and play in her room for a bit (and I tell her that she can). Idk if any of it is good parenting, but I know I have a good daughter and that she’s a lot more emotionally resilient and tougher than I was at her age. (For all my parents’ attempts to “toughen me up” I was a very sensitive and emotionally distraught child.) But idk if that same method would work if I ever have another kid. I kind of have the impression that parenting books fail because every child is completely unique and responds to things differently.
Yaaay🎉🎉 THANK YOU for still giving useful, detailed advices and THEN introducing us to your program! Both are needed! Congratulations 🥳 on a new project! Since our son was born I get advice only from the professionals in their fields, certified or with years of experience, if they are professionals and mothers at the same time - even better!! People, don’t take “advise” from random sources, these are the livelihoods of your children and generations to come. Trust professionals like Emma🌟👨👩👦
0:30 well because it's not supposed to stop immediately after you have acknowledged their feelings. Expecting it to stop immediately is an unrealistic expectation in the first place. You acknowledge their feelings not in order to stop the crying, but to make them feel you accept and don't abandon them in any mood. Using verbal acknowledging (or any other thing for that matter) as a "tool" to make them stop crying, in fact (pretty obvious right?) means you don't really accept them and their emotions. And they are smart enough to feel that fakeness. Every person needs TIME to calm down, it's perfectly normal. You just sit there for them until they cry it out (or leave them alone if they themselves let you know they prefer that e.g. by pushing you or otherwise getting physical). Crying won't last forever either way because every emotion passes (pretty quickly actually unless you enable it somehow by promises or threatenings, etc).
I'm not sure if you watched the rest of the video, but I cover the approach later and don't say that it's a tool or that people should expect an immediate cessation upon acknowledging their feelings. I largely agree with you, but it sounds like you're disagreeing with the video so I wanted to clarify.
@EmmaHubbard I did, it's just that beginning that rubbed me the wrong way. Although I get that you are aiming at the audience of parents many of whom because of our culture and their own upbringing may still feel very uncomfortable seeing other people cry or otherwise emote openly, and naturally want to stop it asap by any means, so you are trying to speak from their perspective to get to them. So my comment wasn't an attack on you, but rather for any parent who finds emotions unbearable and may read it.
I never used this words to work. But to give the child words for the feeling they have. Children are no robots that "work". But the thing is, that one day, they will be able to talk about their emotions, because someone thaugth them which emotion is what. I for my part was 22, when someone reflected on me, that i showed envy. It was such a huge learning step for me. And right now with 31 i'm learning what shame feels right. Noone talked to me about my feelings back then. I want to help my child for the better. I won't want them to stop their feelings imidiatly. Feelings have to be felt.
I love watching your videos, they have helped me so much with dealing not only with my little 7 month old, but myself, and how my actions, whether subconscious or deliberate, can affect her. Shes definitely not in the tantrum stage yet, but its good to know ill have this bit of info in my arsenal for when those times inevitably occur. Thank you 👍
Thanks for this video.. this came at the perfect time because I had just learned about this concept of making your child feel heard and seen a few days ago. I’ve been practicing lots of “sportscasting”. I think it is a helpful tactic but it’s not always what the kid needs in every situation. This rounds it out. Parenting is hard! There is no easy button.
Saying nothing is often more powerfully supportive than attempting to rationalize with a small child. Small children communicate with their caregivers in many other ways besides verbally, being physically present and offering comforting touch (if it is welcome) as well as space to express rage safely will accomplish so much more. You can’t talk a baby down, I don’t know why anyone would think that’s possible. But the time kids are old enough to understand, tantrums are not generally an issue any longer.
it’s been awhile since I watched one of your videos, but I’m really glad that I happened to this morning - by chance, we had a screaming tantrum on the train yesterday, and I was wondering if my method of dealing with it was the right one! Now I am reminded just how useful your videos are and will be going back and watching a bunch more 😅
Whenever my 13 month old has her tantrums because she doesn't get her way with things, I tell her why she could not have that thing she wants. I learned from my mom not to coddle her and it was hard to break early on. I know she won't exactly get it since she's still young but it's been good for my husband and I to get on it now.
This is also a very difficult part of being a childcare provider in a daycare! I always struggle with the idea that I may be rewarding the temper tantrum when I give them all that attention
@kelleygreengrass You clearly are not in childcare and have no idea what it’s like to have a class on 15 and two teachers with one child in the room screaming, one climbing on the table, two fighting, five who want something, and a mess that needs cleaning up.
@@kelleygreengrassprojecting much?!!! Just wow! You took the comment to a whole new level! I’m sorry you were not comforted as a child, or whatever happened to you.
@@kelleygreengrassshe didn’t say comforting a child was a problem for her. Haven’t you read properly? She said she was afraid to be encouraging a wrong comportment
Love this! The aim of acknowledging a tantruming child's feelings is to teach them that there's nothing wrong with being upset. What I do sometimes is after you acknowledge a child's feelings, you embrace them, hold their hands or just sit with them, and start very obviously breathing deeply and calmly. You might suggest to the child that they should breathe calmly too but if they angrily say no, a simple "that's okay, I feel like doing it though, because I need to be calm". The child joins in eventually or calms down as they watch you. Through time you have a person who not only can talk about their feelings and be open and honest with people, but a person who can also acknowledge that it's important to stay calm and can do that using their breath or whatever tachnique you've taught them.
So reassuring. I’ve been doing this just because I wasn’t sure what else to do when our little one loses her sh*t. It definitely seems to help her(and me) when I calmly hold her or stay close while she has her moment.
@kenfontenot You aren’t living my moment to moment with my child, so please keep the “shoulds” to yourself. Letting my child know I’m here keeping her safe(physically and psychologically) regardless of her mood is not rewarding her tantrum, to the contrary actually. I’ve been having success by simply staying present with her but averting my attention.
My mom was one of those parents that was like "stop crying!" and even getting angry when that obviously didn't make me stop crying. Especially when I had an autistic meltdown.
I don’t know what I would do without this channel. You state the facts. You aren’t politically captured and you’re real! I love this parenting channel.
I heard from a crisis training that basically when you say, “I see you’re (name emotion),” they no longer need to display the emotion, because it’s already been seen. So it starts with listing the actions (“I hear you growling”), then ask if they’re feeling x, then tell them you see they’re feeling x. Then you add the support.
Dear Emma. I live in Germany. And I watch you since 2 years. My oldest son is 2 years 😂 and my second 6 months. So I deal with these tantrums from my 2yo, he is not speaking yet. And also have the stress of taking care of the baby. So having two kids, this near age (I hope you know what I mean) is pretty hard to handle. My oldest often has these big emotions but can not tell me what’s the problem or how I can help. We had situations I raised my voice and told him „enough“, but he just pointed to his waterbottle to drink. And I had the baby breastfeeding in bed and could not move. I thought he wants his car to sleep. And I said no. I said sorry few times. Gave him kisses. Gave him a big hug. And said again I am sorry, I misunderstood him. It was ok to him. He drank his water. And fell asleep again. This is another level. Two kids this age. And now getting into this new stage/phase of tantrums and big feelings about a little car that is not there or downstairs. You helped me in so many ways. From sleeping to eating. To playing. I learned a lot. And as I remember, everything’s worked out. I wish there was more videos about dealing with two children or more. Specific 2 children in this tantrum stage. I was on the website happy place. You did a perfect job and the woman i forget the name, Isobell?! I had to buy new clothes and shoes and stuff for the kids this month. But I am will sign in/buying it next month. I really need this help. I experienced that „ I know your upset that your car is not here or you want more cookies, but . …“ is sometimes helping. But only if it’s not too bad. I feel he is ok if mommy knows what’s all about and if I tell him the reason why, you can see he is thinking about and understands. Sometimes!! If my husband is saying „no more cookies!“ that’s it, it’s even worst then my „I know bla bla ..” And than I say to my husband he has to tell him why no cookies. Otherwise the child is thinking your doing this randomly or just be bad giving him no cookies. It’s not easy if he is the middle of the forest. Going out with our dog. My son is sitting suddenly and not moving a centimetre. Just Motivation works “oh here is a 🐞 bug or a beautiful rock, hurry up.” But I ask myself what will happen if he gets older and these things do not work anymore. I also need help on throwing things, his car, pillows, whatever is near to him. He is throwing things away. Sometimes to the baby. Not in bad intention I think. But yesterday my 2yo was hitting the baby, not hard, but he did. On the forehead. I was angry a bit and told not to hit. I was told by the childcare that is a problem of he is not speaking. He has no other way to show what he is feeling. So he is throwing in anger or hits or bites me. But not so often anymore. Biting is almost gone. But can come back or he could bite the baby. I know that’s boys and sometimes rough but I want to stopp this behaviour. My husband is at the military and my parents are not living nearby. So education is mostly my part. My husband also is dealing with depression. He is in therapy but I think this can also reflecting on children. So this was a long text. Please keep up your good work. It’s helping a lot of moms. ❤😊
Please don't feel bad about saying 'no' or telling your toddler to stop hitting his sister. It's okay to set age-appropriate boundaries. Don't hit him. Yelling (if it's reasonable) is totally fine! In fact, it helps your toddler to understand: "oh, what I did just now wasn't okay. Mummy got upset." So they will be less likely to do it again.
I've always just hugged my kids, told them they can calm down in their room and we can continue whatever we were doing after they've calmed down. I don't understand people who talk at length to a kid that is obviously not able to talk at the moment. Also from a very young age I've taught them ways to regain control, like counting or focussing on slow breathing. We can hug and talk about what happened and how they felt afterwards.
Love your videos Emma, and this one isn’t an exception! I feel like your advice is generally very intuitive and sensible. Like, yes, acknowledge their feelings but also just be there and put yourself in their position. Thanks for all the valuable info you put out there! I hate emails, but I love yours (great frequency, not too much not too little)
handling your child's tantrums (however you may do that) is the hardest thing IMO. Forget the sleepless nights with a newborn, those go away so fast. Dealing with tantrums is for years and years to come, and staying consistent is so hard. especially when you're exhausted and just want your kid to stop whining 😅 PS: I acknowledge that newborn days are so hard too, I've been there, BUT it truly gets better quite soon, even if you have a colicky, fussy and clingy baby, even if you have issues with feeding or ties. there are professionals you can turn to and they'll quickly help you, but with tantrums it's all on YOU, the parents/caregivers.
I have to admit this is just not my experience. I would far rather deal with tantrums than with newborns. At least I usually have a general idea of what the cause of tantrums are. When my newborns would scream for hours no matter what I did to soothe them and I had NO idea why, I just wanted to throw myself out a window. Haha
THANK YOU!! I see this advice ao often and it doesnt work for most people and in my case makes things worse. My 3 year old likes to be left alone then wants a hug afterward and i can talk to her then
I work with children with challenging behaviours and this is NOT a teaching moment. All you need to do is keep them safe. Teaching moments are for when children are calm and ready to listen and learn. The middle of a tantrum is not that moment!
Well said!
@@EmmaHubbard Honest question: If we validate emotions no matter how extreme or violent, do they become that peculiar group of adults who throw toddler-like tantrums when they're upset because they feel completely justified in doing so? How do we avoid that?
@methylphosphatePOET Hi! I know you didn't ask me, but rather Emma. I'm a mental health therapist and would like to offer my thoughts (take them or leave them, it's just my thoughts/experience.) I think it comes down to whether or not that teaching moment was there. The teaching moments are important to teach proper coping skills, as well as emotion identification (both super important), but I think the teaching moments need to extend to learning social skills and being tuned into other people (and where the boundary lies for them to not feel responsible for other's feelings too.) So they would learn that their feelings aren't always facts, so they can feel frustrated, but that doesn't mean the underlying message is true. If that makes sense? I'm trying to word things without writing an entire dissertation, lol.
@@methylphosphatePOETI would also add for those super extreme reactions and feelings, it's important to teach/ investigate why those responses are at such a higher level than warranted and help the kid work through that. For example, a kid could flip a desk over dropping their pencil. Acknowledge the frustration, but ask why that caused such big feelings. Learn the kid may feel they fail at everything (I can't even hold a pencil.) Deal with that feeling, and the extreme reactions should go down. If done with kids, hopefully as an adult those reactions won't be as intense. And for the violent ones, hopefully teaching proper coping skills can replace the violent tendencies with more appropriate ones. Most kids just don't know another way to cope, so when they learn something that gives the same release AND prevents them from getting in more trouble, they're pretty willing to try.
@@briannabelliconish2828 I appreciate your insight. Thank you❤
As a behavior analyst who has worked with numerous families and children, my favorite line during a tantrum is “You seem ____(validate feeling, frustrated, angry, mad). I’m going to give you a moment and when you feel better we will ____(redirection, play, eat, dance). Parents are amazed at how fast the tantrum subsides and their child regulates their emotions. Obviously, if the child is experiencing something they had no control over (something breaking or getting hurt) always comfort them. But when the child is the one creating the tantrum, giving attention to the tantrum is just reinforcing it. They learn, I kick and scream and cry..I get ____(attention, toy, out of doing a task). When the child calms down..reward them for calming down and come back to the original issue. I’ve been able to turn 30min tantrums into 20second upsets with this method. Good luck!
Every behaviour analyst has learnt about de-escalation right? We don’t try and engage when a child is in that stage as they are not able to listen or process what we say. Just stay close, keep them safe.
@@marrooshhaha I do something similar with my son. I stop doing what he wanted and I tell him "we can talk about doing xyz when you are calm" and I'll take a seat. Then he rears up screaming but calms down really quick because he wants xyz.
From which age does it work?
2yo doesnt really understand these sentences 🤔
That makes sense! I have a follow up question . My kiddo is 18 months old. She has started throwing tantrums mostly for phone or something she is mouthing and is taken away. Her crying triggers me so my first impulse is to hand over the thing causing meltdown. How do I stop doing this? TIA.
Our experience was more in line with what you are talking about here. Attention = validation. Particularly because 90% of the tantrums in our house were because Mom or Dad had said "no." And talking to my friends, 90% of the time, that was the cause of the tantrums in their house too. We acknowledged their feelings and then sent them to calm down in their room, or a quiet spot. Being in the room with the kid, or any further engagement after acknowledging their feelings turned into pleas and attempts to manipulate us into changing our decision. Sitting there and offering comfort - when the distress was caused by a parent's decision - gave the false hope that somehow that decision was under review. We need to back up the words of, "My decision is final" with the actions of either walking away ourselves, or sending the kid to their room.
I appreciate this video. My daughter has tantrums that escalate very quickly and I tried both validating her emotions, and the "calm down alone in your room and then you can come out" tactic. Neither worked well. Each tactic ramped her emotions up through the roof. One day I silently brought in art supplies to the room she was having a tantrum in. I sat down and started drawing by myself, and she came over interested to join. We did art together and she calmed down. We had A wonderful time together. When I was little my father would take me on long walks to calm down. I often didn't want to go. But he taught me that I needed to get out in the fresh air and move my body to calm down. Worked better than any validation. I have made the personal decision to not validate or discuss ALL the toddler emotions that happen in a day. (Trust me, we do discuss feelings-just not constantly) Distracting her through play, a car ride, and rocking is extremely helpful.
It depends very much on the child, their issues, and their specific age. It isn't supposed to magically stop the tantrum.
Distracting them from emotions rather than helping them experience and work through them isn't necessarily the aim either. Tbh I don't think the things you describe are distractions, more like helping them become regulated again.
@tr0llkona Somtimes, as an adult, when I'm sad, I go for a walk to calm my emotions. Then I talk about it all with my therapist. It's not always necessary to "sit with your emotions."
@@emilyann4549 I don't think I said it was always necessary to sit with your emotions? 🤔 I'm responding specifically to the word "distracting". Always distracting and never processing isn't healthy.
You've described self-regulating and then processing.
hey curious - how old is she? im learning from an Early Childhood Educator that with 3yo its best to teach aka the method in this video
OMG- SAY IT LOUD FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK!!! I am a preschool teacher and I have been doing this for decades because IT WORKS. My frustration with current parenting trends is that so many people- teachers and parents- seem unable or unwilling to ride out the tears and trust the process. The well-intentioned but wrong-headed assumption that children should be happy and emotionally and behaviorally unchallenged AT ALL TIMES is epidemic in (North) America; such child rearing practices yield adults who can not cope with even minor life challenges. It is truly a salve to my soul to hear your socio-emotionally HEALTHY advice! Thank you and please continue to share this vital message for our children’s sake!
Yes and this new trend seems to be promoting this practice of putting a screen in front of your kid at all times. Or maybe the screens came first than the inability for parents to deal with anything but a behaviorally unchallenged child? Either way. It seems like society still isnt learning it's lesson just dealing with this intolerance for toddlers big feelings in different ways. I heard horror stories of my grandfather not being able to deal with any crying (from his 7 children), and dealt with crying the way many parents did in the 60's. With his fist. My mother was a tad better but when my baby sister got older and we'd get into sibling fights and she'd cry... well it got ugly. At one point I left the house. The other time she kicked me out. Now the kid is crying its still "oh my just just stop!! I have to make it stop RIGHT NOW why am I saying this parenting hack and kid is still crying!! Oh look at screen stops all emotion" Okay so parents aren't beating their kids anymore, still isnt great parenting
@@aylabilse3697It’s the difficult balancing act of parenting your child, teaching them to deal with their emotions and the parent having the tools to manage their own mental health. Because really that’s what this is all coming back to. Hitting your kids and/or putting a screen in front of them is the parent not having the skills to manage an emotional child and their own emotions at the same time. In a way good parenting is striking a balance between both. Sometimes sending your kid to their room is not so much a punishment for them but to save them from you losing your mind on them and giving you space as a parent to put your head back on straight and give you time to think so you don’t say or do something unhelpful. lol
Agreed. This new generation right now... I am very worried about when they finally become adults.
Anyone else who's watching this to teach themselves what they didn't get to learn as children? I know it's odd but I feel inspired by this. I've found this video very educative
Yes, I'm a neurodivergent young man who constantly got hit and yelled at whenever I had just a tantrum or a big meltdown crisis, and the results are drastic as hell, I've got terribly neglected because my parents didn't know what to do with me and how to do it correctly and they messed me up badly. I'm trying to learn the most possible to understand myself and going through my traumas and my bad behaviors
Same here!
Hahahahahh nice
I was very sensitive and cried a lot as a child. My niece is the same way. I watched my mom yell at my niece for crying over something that seemed menial. Although my parents were overall great, I vowed I would never do that to my kids.
Yes, I was hit and shamed for expressing negative emotions. I was a super emotional child, so I got hit and shamed every day. Actually, my mother threw violent tantrums as a reaction to my tantrums. At 40 years old I'm still trying to figure out how to function normally on an emotional level.
Thank you - true for me, this advice always made things worse for my three-year old boy. Also, he generally dislikes scripts. Since he was two, whenever I used the same wording because he was upset, he'd angrily say "You said that last time! Why do you always say that?" I was low-key proud that he recognises generic remarks and asks for a different style of communication. After all, I wouldn't like it either.
What a smart boy you have! 😉
Wow, he's definitly smart!
Yup.
It's the same when people say "you're not alone, there are other people that are going though the same things,". Yeah, thanks for reminding me that other people are suffering.
Your son is very intelligent by the sounds of it
@@audreydoyle5268 Oh, I always hate this. Do people just forget that empathy is a thing? "Why yes, I DO love the fact that people are dying all over the world of preventable causes! Thinking about that DEFINITELY made me feel great and cured my depression!" Like...what.
What i did working as a nanny, and now with my own kids was "i see you're upset, do you want to tell me about it" Or "it's okay to.." and either say cry or whatever feeling they seem to be feeling. Then "do you want to talk about it".
Validating their feelings doesn't mean tolerating bad behavior. once they start hitting, throwing things or anything like that i go to "you can come talk to me when you've calmed down"
I've never heard or read to keep repeating what they are feeling. If someone did that to me i'd get irritated with them and feel like they were mocking me. Even with adults if someone tells me they are in a bad mood i ask if they want to talk about it. If they do want to talk i sit there and listen to them. Just having someone to listen, not try to fix it but just listen help a lot no matter what age you are.
Years ago when my friend’s then-five year old threw a tantrum, when she started screaming and yelling I watched my friend swoop in and tell her “it’s ok for us to feel angry but we don’t shout and scream, ok?” as she was offering hugs to physically help her regulate her haywire emotions. That same kid still struggles at times (as all kids do) but she is extremely emotionally intelligent thanks to that firm but compassionate parenting.
This week and last, I’ve been babysitting a special needs child who would have several moments of missing their mom during the day. Tears threatening to fall, emotions overwhelming, a potential start to a meltdown brewing. I would say “Looks like we need to have a sad moment. Would this be a good time for a hug.”
Sure enough, having those emotions validated and comfort offered did the trick and they’d were ready to be distracted for another hour or two before having another sad moment.
You’re being sooo awesome for that! Love to hear a child getting care they need
Meltdowns are different from tantrums.
What you do is great but totally different from calming down a toddler who is having a tantrum because you put a pillow back on the sofa without knowing it was a drum in his world that must stand specifically at that point and he does not accept you puting it back.
You are encouraging them to have a sad moment.
@@masterlee9822no she's recognizing that child is understandably missing their primary caregiver and special needs children often aren't able to verbalize their emotions which can lead to lashing out and having uncontrollable meltdowns.
They struggle with transitions far more than typical children do.
Pretending someone's feelings don't exist and forcing them to repress them doesn't make it 'go away' it's a precursor to developing unhealthy coping mechanisms and mental illness down the line.
She's validating what is already going on and helping them work through it which encourages children to learn to self regulate.
Mother of twin 4 year old special needs children.
Also was a respite carer for 15 years for IHC a nanny for a family with two autistic children and grew up with two special needs siblings.
Omg THANK YOU. I went through this just last night with my 19 month old and felt so helpless. He wants to go play in the basement all the time right now, and I'm pregnant and don't want to do the stairs a dozen times. So finally I said no, we're all done with the basement. Poor thing cried for 30 mins till I put him to bed early. Acknowledging his feelings helps sometimes, but not this time. Redirecting did nothing. I mostly just had to sit in silence and rub his back. Going upstairs to brush teeth actually ended the tantrum. I've been stressed feeling like I did nothing, so it helps so much to hear that supporting him quietly is okay.
It is really hard but it sounds like you were there for your little one when he needed you, which is fantastic!
Sounds like they just wanted to sleep, I noticed it with my 3 kids too. About bed time, or dinner time, yet seems too early for us adults, yet the child is getting upset every 5 minutes - most likely they do want to eat or sleep earlier than usual. And if you keep them from it, they might even then have trouble eating or falling asleep. Kids are tricky 😂
I may be wrong but I say " why are you crying? Are you hurt? (they usually say No) Are you hungry ? (most time they say no) and last I say.. then why are you crying? .. this works even with the toddler.. sometimes they actually will tell me why they are crying even if it's "I don't know)
Gosh, yes!!! I do the same, I incentivise her to understand what’s going on around and what’s causing her frustration. Just saying “are you hurt”, “what’s making you angry”, “is it because I took your cutlery? I did that because you throw your fork on the floor and I what you to understand it’s not cool” It’s magical how the energetic movements and yelling fades little by little and turns into attention and conscience until she forgets she was so stressed to begin with. And it makes sense, I mean, if you just keep repeating “I understand bla dee bla” with no resolution it’s like talking to your husband while he says “uhum” but can’t repeat a word when you ask him what you were talking about 😂
@@marinadepaulasilva6273 I feel called out by the last part.😂
Yep, I've found that just embracing my daughter calms her down way better than anything else. Once she's calm we can talk about what made her feel that way and how we can move on. Body contact works for her better than any combination of words in that moment.
Mine too. I would hug her or hold her and eventually she calms down. She is almost 3 and she can finally speak about why she is Mad or sad
As a mom of 4, soon to be 5, I was just thinking that I don’t actually think our kids have had tantrums. But also, I’m big on the hug… I’ll hug them and say an “angel of God” prayer… I’ll hang on until they’re ready to let go. Our young children have regulated really well I think… teenagers… lol I need a video on that.
If your child needs you, of course you should be there for them. But we also shouldn't validate bad behavior. We all have days when we get upset and have moments that aren't our best. But that doesn't mean we should coddle them when they are screaming or acting out. Of course we should let our kids know we love them. But they need structure too. When they know where the boundaries are, they're actually more secure.
I grew up in the "cry it out" household. Actually my grandparents had a "no crying allowed" house. If ever I was upset I would have to squirrel myself away in a corner and cry as quietly as possible. They were never physically or verbally abusive, they just never cared for crying.
My baby, 9 months - not quite a toddler has her moments of not being able to cope and has little meltdowns and it takes every effort I have to not tell her that "its ok" "hush now". I try and say things like "oh, thats a big emotion we're feeling" which helps me remember that for her, it is a big emotion and she doesnt know how to regulate. I'll talk camly to her and tell her to have a good cry about it.
It's nice to know I'm on the right page about handling it.
I do often say "i hear you" but thats more when she's whinging as opposed to crying a lot.
Its so hard 😂
It is so hard! But sounds like you are being an extremely supportive parent, which is only going to benefit your little one.
Wow... literally a new mommy of a 9 monrh old who has little melt downs that seemed usual ro me since shes still an infant. Im glad to know it isnt just my baby and isnt me. I feel comforted.
I feel you and realized through having my own kid my terrible way of dealing with emotions. My instinct is to make my kids stop crying or for me to leave the room (to make them stop). So I have to constantly fight against that because it sends the message expressing your emotions aren't ok and crying isn't ok. It's hard work to stay calm, too have to identify emotions (as I realize I don't do that well) and validate being upset and sad and crying while it won't change the situation or get my child what they want. And then when the not ok behavior like screaming and hitting and throwing things happen then how to say that's not ok and usually I have to say we do not hit or you can go in your room and hit your bed/pillow and come out when you're done "having a fit" we call it. My kiddo also doesn't want hugs or back pats or snuggles or anything, just to sit there crying. So that's hard too. Usually by the end we have a hug. When my kiddo was little I realized they needed time away from a busy situation to recharge cuz they'd get overwhelmed (me too). So id work more to make that time where I could. The worst were after a long day away and not good naps and by the time we got home late and overtired it was a hysterical crying mess that nothing could calm down except snuggling in bed with a bottle or fruit pouch. And I thought we were past that now that we're older but we had two episodes like that within the past few months but now with more words. After trying many things I went back to snuggling with a fruit pouch and it actually worked. Then kiddo could calm down and I helped get all the changing and teeth brushing to get to bed cuz they were way past being able to do that without one or the other of us getting irritated from tiredness and yelling. So these lessons we learn with the toddler still apply to older kids just with adjustments for age.
Love this! Thank you for acknowledging that being our child's calm is one of the hardest parts of parenting. So tough to have to constantly emotionally regulate for another tiny being on top of ourselves during the stresses of day to day parenting life.
As a preschool teacher with attachment theory training this is spot on :) acknowledging their feelings is a good and important step, but being with them is maybe even more important
Makes sense, but I feel like we enable them too often to act on their feelings. Feelings can be wrong. Sometimes we need to teach them how to control those emotions and think more logically about the situation. I think it’s a fine balance!
I think you’re right. Every single feeling may not need to be validated.
You have some common sense. Thank you.
Wish all parents had your sense.
@kenfontenot what a bunch of word salad lmao
It's all about what's appropriate for the age. Toddlers have very literal control over anything. Their brain literally cannot. All the emotions everywhere all at once add in wanting to be a big kid but body is physically limited and wanting to play but still needing naps and good sleep and then bam sickness. So, for these ages, it is working on giving a name to what they are feeling. To help them be able to express what they are feeling verbally. To help them feel others can understand then and their feelings. The feeling will not cease to exist if not validated. Then showing and taking about what is ok when angry or sad or hurt or happy is important too. They are watching us, so we need to model too (which is very hard for me personally). With my school age kid we are getting into the I don't want to do this or don't feel like it, but we need to do it anyway. Like exercise, school, cleaning etc. It's almost like a mind blowing concept to them. I was getting the "I hate school" or "it's boring" or "I can't do it". And yeah, school up to now has been all about fun things and fun experiences and now it's turning into having to work that brain, which isn't easy or always fun. So these ages we see that just cuz our emotions feel this way doesn't mean we act on it. Or don't have to do the hard work until our emotions feel like it's fun now. I'm still working on that lesson for myself and trust me, my parents didn't enable any feelings, only logical arguments. Logical thinking is more abstract and we have to guide them to move from concrete and real world connections to the more abstract, which is very tricky and I think we push for the abstract thinking in academics and emotions way too early without the connecting bridges to being the understanding. I think that's why do many ppl hate math cuz it can be so abstract.
I love your example that if we as adults are venting, the last thing we want is someone saying, "I see you're upset" without just sincerely listening or present.
I find it so much easier to be there for them during a tantrum while wearing earplugs. I wore them when he was very young too when he had colic. To someone else, it may seem like you are being cold, but you don't need to suffer hearing loss to show empathy. And you can still hear it plenty well through the earplugs.
Amazing tip! I wish I thought of this when my boy was little, I have another one on the way so I will remember to try this. I don't think it seems cold at all, it's the opposite. Trying new ways to stay calm in the chaos can only be a good thing. X
This is such good advice. I am very sensitive to noise and should probably try this. It would help keep me calm.
@@michellechouinard4958 Thank you! My sensitivity to loud sounds is exactly why I tried it the first time. I hope it helps!
I bought earplugs to for these situations! Just waiting for my baby to be born first. 🥰
I think I need to try this. I'm willing to be patient for them to ride out their tantrums but the sensory overload of their crying and screaming just grates me in a way that completely puts me on edge and then it turns into a vicious cycle of nobody handling their emotions well... 😣
My son is 2 and when he's upset I have say let's take a few deep breaths and I take several very exaggerated breaths. It's amazing how much that works. He will breath with me and usually calms down. He's behind on speech but is so receptive. I have so much more patience than most first time Moms because I was a respite caregiver for many years before having my son. I took care of a child with special needs. She helped me be the very best Mom I could be when I finally got to be one!
Sounds like the breathing works really well for your little one. I did this with my daughter too!
That’s so cool! I did this with a youngster I nannied but it was due to his getting so excited he’d start a sentence, get stuck, start again, get stuck in the same place, and it would nearly become one of those “blips” you could imagine a robot experiencing when it shorts out. I would catch his attention with his name and then say, “it’s ok, just stop for a second and breathe with me” and we’d take a couple of deep, exaggerated breaths and then I’d say “ok, try now” and he’d get the whole sentence out no problem. In less than a month, he would catch himself, stop, take a couple of deep breaths and then say the full sentence perfectly. It was really cool when he did it on his own the first time - 5 years old and he just did it! Lol! I still get excited over it. 😆
My sons tantrums were linked to food. We did Feingold (no artifical anything) and they stopped. Petroleum based additives are neurotoxins. He still ate fave foods, just clean versions with no FCS or preservatives, artificial colors or flavors. He was too young to realize what those things did to him. When he was off them and a little older, he told me they made his brain feel funny.
It works for my child. She calms down when she feels acknowledged, it gives her vocabulary to express and understand her feelings and focus on the way she reacts. Feelings are all valid, it’s the actions that are not
I think it depends on their age
@@karinababy6557what age is this supposed to happen?
@@karinababy6557absolutely. A lot of these videos act like toddlers have already mastered empathy and are going to somehow feel comforted by words they don’t even comprehend.
Agreed!
I always do this at my job at a daycare and it works the best! They know that when they are sad that they can come to me and after they are calmed down I can talk to them and explain stuff. Sometimes my colleagues try to talk to the child in the middel of the tantrum and most of the times the child gets more angry of frustrated from it
Every child is different, but for my son (2 and a half), STATING how he feels (with a very bland statement) is super irritating to him. But if I ask him by labelling very precisely the situation and feeling, he instantly connects with me and we can work from there.
E.g : "I can see you are upset..." = yelling even louder.
But "are you disappointed because you wanted to watch another video ?" or "are you scared because this chair is too high?" = (usually) crying "yes!!" and then being open to finding a solution. But he is VERY language-driven and speaks a lot for his age.
Thanks so much for sharing!
This way of speaking is what Marshal Rosenberg calls "a demonstration of understanding". It's how he defines empathy. Excellent example. Thank you for sharing!
I do this with kids too, it really helps you to respond in a helpful way if you know WHY they’re upset!
I've tended to say more like how you explained, especially with identifying things going on. It helps cuz sometimes the kids will say no, it's not cuz of the toy, it's cuz they didn't get the blue cup, etc which sometimes has an easier solution.
Your videos are helping me so much. I just found out I'm pregnant days ago and I came across this channel. It's going to help me out so much later and I'm not seeing motherhood so scary anymore the more of the videos I watch. I didn't get any of this when I was little. My mom was very angry and neglected me and I had to bury my feelings of just go shut myself away.
Congratulations on your pregnancy. I really hope your feeling well and not too tired!
It’s great you are already studying up on motherhood. You are already going to be an amazing mum!
@@EmmaHubbard thank you so much. I'm saving a lot of your videos about newborns and I'm going to study them like I'm in school! I'm excited while watching. I know there will be tough moments but I'm counting it all joy! 💙
Me too. My mother actually completely ignored me when I cried and then I became so desperate the emotions became stratospherically huge because she wasn’t there. I just remember my childhood a series of massively painful emotions. The importance of just being there is so big
A bit clickbaity the title. You are right and you know you agree with the “trend”. It was never about the words “I see you are upset” it’s about listening, being at their level during the tantrum and being supportive.
You said it well.
How is it click baity? She addressed exactly what the title said.
Thank you SO much for this! My son is 2 and I have been a bit confused while trying to apply all these social media reels about validating his feelings when he has a tantrum because every time I say “I understand you’re upset because of xyz” or “it’s really hard when you can’t have that, I know” - he gets EVEN angrier! 😟 and you’re right, I don’t know what to do after that so I just keep repeating it and it has never helped 😅 I have been at a loss the last few days of increased tantrums while we are travelling and was praying for an answer as to what to do 🙏🏻 and I’m so so glad to see your video today. Now I can hopefully support him better and I’m glad I can step away when he doesn’t want me around because sometimes it’s really exhausting to be in the line of fire multiple times a day 😓
There is SO much misinformation on social media! Ask your pediatrician, they can point you in the direction of experts or credible material. Social media does more harm than good, please keep that in mind
We had an attachment-disordered child. _Parenting With Love & Logic_ (Jim Fay) was a lifesaver, as was an adoptive/foster support group.
One thing I had to learn with our guy was that giving him space was crucial. I’d tell him, “I care about your feelings-even angry ones-but I can see you’re not ready to talk. Come find me when you’re ready to be calm and respectful.” Sometimes _I_ was the one who needed space: “I am really too angry and frustrated to talk about this right now! I’m gonna go calm down and then I’ll be back.”
We may as well be honest about our own feelings (appropriately) because our kids pick up on them, anyway. We can teach them about handling feelings by letting them watch us handle ours.
It's not exactly misinformation, since you can state the feeling and such, but it is INCOMPLETE information, or oversimplified description and explanation. Like those people read a blurb by someone else who read a blurb, and things get lost in translation.
Well when you have to pay for the complete information, that'll happen.
Hi! I just came across your comment and since you mentioned you'll try this as new method of dealing with tantrums, I was wondering if it really helped in the moment?
Bend your parenting around your toddler’s ever-changing feelings and you will raise an adult who will destroy their lives with adult tantrums brought on because they can never quite figure out why the world doesn’t change to meet their emotional needs.
Be firm, be consistent, be fair, forgive quickly and fully. Don’t add fuel to tantrums by indulging them with attention. Emphasize the activities you share with your child. Their tantrums are beside the point.
My experience,
"I see you want another cookie and I understand your feelings", they perk up and quietly wait...
"But you ate all of them and there are no cookies left".. WAHHH!!!! I WANNA COOKIE!!!!
"I know, I know, it's ok to feel that way" I WANNA COOKIE!!!! I WANNA COOKIE!!!! I WANNA COOKIE!!!!
When our first born was a toddler, she would fall to the floor and flail, kicking and slamming her arms on the floor. There was a real danger of her hurting herself, and I was concerned that she may develop a connection between pain and self soothing.
She was a neuro “normal” child.
So, one day, when we were playing a game and she was in a statisfied, contented, and quiet state, I asked her about what it is like to have a meltdown. She told me it was out of control and scary.
I then asked her what she thought I or her dad could do to help her calm down when she got in that uncontrollable state? I gave loads of suggestions and asked her if she had any more ideas.
She told me that it would be soothing if when she got that way I could get one of her favorite books, sit near her while she is having a tantrum, and quietly read.
It worked.
Our second child chose some songs we could quietly sing to her when she was out of control. That worked, too.
I don’t know if there may be some underlying issue I could have caused by doing that, but I do know that it helped them feel empowered, at that early age, to talk to us about how we can help them best.
And we ended up with less stress all around.
I think people tend to overlook that the negative attention received is also something kids end up striving for, like ‘I kick I scream I cry I get [negative] attention.’ It sounds weird but it ends up being a reinforcement. So loving the calm acknowledgement of feelings and the ‘hey, when you’re calmed down, we can get back to the matter at hand and figure out how to handle this better in the future.’
A lot of the time those kids are like that because they are neglected at home. They start to realize that if they act negatively the negative attention gets them the attention and connection with their parents even when it's not good attention.
I know this from actual experience and years working in the school system myself. Kids learn that they only are only cared about if they do something negative.
@@nikkifoster9943Very good point. And it is a tricky thing to remember to encourage and reward the good behaviors and ignore the bad or give consequences when necessary. When I was a preschool teacher it was so much more effective to praise the kids doing the right thing or following my instructions and then have the others immediately imitate than criticize the bad. Having those kids who you can tell just need extra attention and validation be your special helpers or have the special job worked such wonders for them. And a positive reinforcement system. I still had time outs but used them much much less when I had coins I have out and took a coin away for not appropriate behaviors.
All people around us say that I'm such a loving and gentle mom. But sometimes, when I'm really stressed because of something, and right in that moment my 2 yo daughter begins to cry because of something stupid (in my eyes), I tell her with an angry voice "Be quiet! I don't want to hear you cry!" This happens like, don't know, twice per month? And when I calm down I feel so sad that I told her that, like she hasn't the right to have feelings. I want to become better, I hope that I haven't hurt her too much or ruined something in her soul...
You can still chance. You care for her otherwise you wouldn´t feel bad about it.
@@TheLoveMiku I've improved and since this comment I haven't told her such a bad thing anymore
@@mschmuller4506 That´s nice to hear :)
I just started the Happy Place course, and already I'm very happy with the level of detail and how the videos are broken up. Congrats on rolling it out! I love diving into the science of what is going on with my toddler.
I am so glad you are enjoying it.
The science part is the part I love best too! Once you know this part it helps me understand what we should do as the adults and why our little ones respond the way they do during tantrums.
One of the most effective (but hardest to successfully implement) tools I've used is a combination of emotional mirroring and modeling. It's one thing to be told "it's OK to be upset" but it feels kind of hollow especially if your parent is never upset, and just tells you that it's OK. I felt this happening with my daughter, because she would start to feel bad about feeling bad, and for me to just tell her that it's fine and I'm there for her could be infuriating because she could see me regulating myself but she felt she was kind of a failure for being unable to do it herself.
The biggest success came when I could match her emotional intensity, rather than be distant and cold and say "It's OK to be upset" while never showing myself ever be upset. It's HARD, to actually mirror some of those feelings, while still keeping control, while still modeling good behavior. To not just tell her it's OK to be upset, but to be upset along with her. But then to help bring it down. But it's in those times that I've found the best connection. But it's hard to be upset with her, for her, without getting upset over my own things, or getting upset about her, or to seem like I'm mocking her.
I don't know if I can recommend it. I have done it rarely, because I don't think I can confidently do it on a regular basis without hurting her.
But at the same time, I think that sometimes we would do that more naturally in the past, when it was more OK to let our kids ramp up our own emotions, and maybe we would get upset but upset at them. I wonder sometimes if that was in a way comforting for them. I think that it's generally not good, but I think in other ways, that serene, distant, cold, "It's OK for you to be upset" is also hurtful, because mom or dad never get upset, they're saying it's OK, but is it really? I obviously can't be like them, and they show that they never want to be upset around me, so if it's OK to be upset, why do they never let themselves be upset like I do?
I was just surprised at how well received this has been the few times I've tried it, but I've tried it out of a hope to help comfort, not out of annoyance of a desire to get her to stop a bothersome tantrum. Dunno. Just a thing.
I had to learn to do this exact thing for one of my grands. His father, who would only be hearing the interaction not seeing it, thought I was actually feeling everything I was emoting & couldn't understand WHY it worked. Until I sat him down one day & explained that I wasn't exactly FEELING what he heard, but ACTING what I was seeing his son doing. That it was what got through his son's anxiety & extreme overthinking of whatever circumstances he was reacting to.
It was stressful, of course, to do this but not bcs I'd be upset, but bcs I was having to use all my creative resources in that moment, & gauge exactly what to do, & when, so that I stopped when necessary. It wasn't something my son could do, as he is also DX'd w/ ADHD, but doesn't have the anxiety component his son does. So that's where they can't quite connect. I'm more typical than any of my children or grands, so I can see where I can help, and create solutions. They can pick those up though, and carry forward. ❤
You're very right. I've learned from some very wise mom friends of mine who use their mess ups with losing their tempers as an opportunity to apologize to their kids and explain what they shouldn't have done and ask for their forgiveness. I remember one time my kid was so upset and so was I, probably at each other, and I told kiddo I was so upset I want to take this glass in my hand and throw it on the ground and smash it. Kiddo was almost shocked, like really? It helped them see how frustrated I was too. And it helped us both calm down much quicker. Nothing changed in the situation but we expressed ourselves. You could also have the conversation (with an older kid) about how you've been working on not screaming when your upset even though you might want to since you've been a kid. Cuz it's important as an adult to not have a tantrum like we do as kids. We see plenty of videos of grown adults screaming and hitting their tv and destroying it so I use that as an example of how we can't be doing that as an adult. And maybe that person didn't work on that so now have a broken tv
Great video! I also hear other parents suggest to say when their child starts to lash out physically " I know your angry right now but I need to step away so I am safe because hitting is not okay" or something along those lines.
And obviously still reassuring them that you will be their ready when they are ready
Exactly!
What about when you say this and you're child follows you around the house screaming and still hitting. I'm at a loss with my now 4 yr old
@@YSLRD Exactly. I do not understand how parents get to this point. Are you are parent or not? Todays parents are handing their kids with gloves for NOT TO UPSET them in any way. And then they have children that are out of control and do not how to behave at all. Later in life your child will not thank you for that.
@@hannahgallego5884i saw in another comment someone say that they get used to the negative attention that they get when they have a meltdown and that I guess their brains are now wired to tell them that they “need” that negative attention.
It’s so hard because sometimes my 6yo does this too and I don’t know whether to leave so she stops trying to get negative attention because I’m not there to give any, or whether to stay to monitor and intervene in case she’s kicking/hitting something hard and about to injure herself.
It’s the hardest thing I’ve done yet
Mother and I have never had good communication.
Several of my therapists think my tantrums were anxiety driven.
I still remember feeling everything was unfair and mother screaming at me for my behaviour.
It escalated to the point where in my teenage years both my siblings could snatch things out of my hands and a reaction from me, like "hey, give it back" ,had mother swooping in and come down hard on me, anticipating me behaving appalling.
I was so stupid I I always proved her right.
Thanks so much for sharing.
Hopefully by working together with your therapists you have worked out a more effective communication style with your mother.
You weren't stupid for reacting. You are a person. I might be projecting, but I had a parent who was always wrong while the other was always "perfect". But fights would happen regularly. And things were always blamed on the one. Some people need to see reactions from others to valid their own feelings of being fine or better. I remember feeling a lot of unfairness and frustration in my family growing up. I always tried to be the good child not causing any trouble or problem and I took pride in that and can see my own tendencies toward narcissistic traits cuz my first instinct is to think how it isn't my fault but blame anything else. How I did everything right. Expect yeah right, cuz how can anyone be perfect? Sounds like you are doing the work in therapy which is good. The wisdom I can give you from my experience is yes, our circumstances helped form how we are and how we react now, and maybe we have more struggles in some areas than others so. But we still choose how we respond now. And we can choose to do the work in ourselves to improve and give others grace, even if it was never given to us. We may never get acknowledgement or apologizes from our family. In fact, I have to be careful what I talk with my mom about because she cannot see what I saw and feels attacked. But we can still forgive and move on, taking the power away from them.
I'm glad that even you can see that the discussing a tantrum with a toddler who doesn't even understand what," I see that you're upset." means doesn't make sense. I keep seeing parents hold the Toddler in a hold online while they're giving out a million soothing lines and the kid is just raging and not calming down at all😅
Thanks for saying this, I been wondering about it. My daughter is only 15 months and doesn't care much for when I say "I understand you are upset" 😅
Why do young parents fall for this silly advice?
@@marcellanaumu6426 it's in style just like Dr spock was in style for boomers but what's in style is not always good advice
My 26 month old kicks at least once or twice a day. We've let her know that hurts and gives us boo boos. That doesn't work but we step out of her room or put her out of our room for 1 minute and it really helps. She doesn't like closed doors unless she has closed them. She does cry while the door is closed. We talk to her afterwards and its also worked for her jumping on our bed. When tell her we're putting her in the hallway for jumping she gets off the bed, walks herself out, and closes the door.
Thank you for this. Hope more and more parents get to see this.
I remembered meeting a 'gentle parent' friend for the first time after lockdown, trying to soothe my girl having a tantrum by saying all these 'soothing' words. I was supposed to calm my baby down but instead I was also getting triggered and was so upset. I love how just hug and moment of silence always calm both of us when she's throwing a fit.
Yes! I learned that a meltdown just means they need to be hugged. No words. Nothing. Just give your damn kid a hug and kiss them on the forehead and let them cry. Bam. They’re over it in under 60 seconds.
I dunno about you, but what you say matches my experience learning about gentle parenting...
@@austyn5004 awwww your Kids are lucky.
It’s incredible how valid this advice is for handling adult emotional breakdowns aswell
Yep. Most adults who act this way never got it as kids either. You don’t outgrow having unmet needs. They just follow you forever until you fulfill them.
I just ignore the tantrum part and wait till they calm enough to hear me and tell them its ok to have a bad day but throwing tantrums will not get you what you want. My two boys dont throw tantrums, just 1 or 2 each and that was it. Theyve also sat in time out in the middle of the grocery/clothing store aisle. Theres only certain behaviors you can teuly ignore. Ignoring physical behaviors like hitting is not one of them.
I read once that childrens inner monologue is a version of the way theyre spoken to by their parental figures. So i wonder if when you tell a kid "its okay! Youre okay!" Is something that makes the kid think "im okay. Its okay" when they are without the parent under some stress?
I could see this being the case. My issue with "I'm ok" it's it's a very blanket statement that isn't true. You're not ok when you fall and skin your knee and tore your trousers and it hurts and stings. And saying you're ok is basically a lie. A variation might be better, like I can get through this or this is bad but we can handle it. I am sad/hurt but I will survive. And that's more nuanced for a young kid to understand. When my kid would spill or drop things I used to say it's ok! Until kiddo yelled one day "it's NOT ok!" As an entire smoothie was all over my kitchen floor. And they were right, it wasn't ok. But we could fix it. So that's what I say now, or some version. We can fix it. Let's figure out what to do now, which is what my brain automatically starts doing.
This is true in adults too. When our brain is hyper aroused it has a hard time thinking logically.😊
Exactly!
100%. I have to willfully act to calm down from a panic attack or an emotional experience. Most of these processes take time!
There’s some nuance here. It sounds like we should validate their emotions and let them know that we accept their emotions. But we can’t expect that validating their emotions is going to be a magic wand for stopping the tantrum.
Exactly! I think it’s that you need to acknowledge their feelings, then give them a solution or redirection once they’re calm. And the idea that over time, they will have the language and skills to calm down faster. Parents shouldn’t expect the kid to calm down right away the first time!
When i had tantrums as a young child, my mother would pick me up and put me under her arm ( especially if this happened in the food store) and after a while she would ask "are you done yet?", and if i said no she told me to continue until i was done. Not sure if this is the best approach but it must have looked hilarious 😂 she did the job of keeping me safe.
My mother had an extremely short fuse when it came to misbehaviour, so you learned at a very early age that throwing a tantrum would not be a good idea.
If either of mine seemed to be even considering it, a look from me was enough to persuade them otherwise.
Being teacher trained, I always spoke to them as if they were adults, even when they were infants. They listened, and responded accordingly. Children understand a great deal more than you think; if you are patronising towards them they will learn to use it on you.
Thanks
It’s my pleasure!
Thank you. I've been reading No-Drama Discipline, and love this kind of advice. It hard to know how to apply what they say, and I just get more stressed, when I'm trying to be as calm as possible. Thank you
You're so welcome!
Could you go back in time to the ‘70s and tell my dad this? His answer was “I’ll give you something to cry about!”
Lol! I'd cry if I hurt myself, and I remember being infuriated when my dad would say, "Oh, no, you broke the pavement!" He was trying to lighten the situation, but as a kid I just remember feeling like he was the most insensitive jerk on the planet! 😆
It’s truly unbelievable the approach of older generations to children who’s brains are barely developed at all.
@@sanderstar1000while the brains are not developed all this psychology things also every 15 days scientist come up with is also equally useless.
Atleast fear was a common factor in kids of older generations.
We all knew to shut up to ‘I will give you something to cry about’
A consequence😂
I don’t know Mann but all these tactics seems so immature to me. I spanked my kids when they’re being too much to break their extreme energies. Only on bums. And age appropriate force. But it helped to break their train of thought and knew to fix their eyes on me and follow instruction.
Ofcourse at 6,7,8 I started the I know how you feel conversation. Because they can process what I am trying to say.
Validating a toddlers feelings is like telling the fire it’s hot. 😂
They need direction not validation.
@michellechouinard4958 lol I've never heard that! lol what an adorable reply!! but yeah I understand as a toddler the reply might feel differently!!
This is a really great video... There's a really good book called "how to talk so little kids will listen". I highly highly recommend it for anyone who has a toddler
Thanks for sharing!!
Agreed, the book is gold.
Can you share who the author is please?
@@liciniagouveia Joanna Faber and Julie King
@@heather9130 Thanks! 👍
My daughter (19 months) is slowly entering this challenging phase of finding autonomy and throwing tantrums. One thing I do for example if she falls or drops something or can't get something to work properly and it frustrates her is this:
1. acknowledge her frustration and provide her with the physical safe space she wants, i.e. get close to her and pick her up if she wants that
2. mirror in a language she understands what just happened and that this caused her frustration/pain ending in a question she just has to reply to with a yes if I explained that right (which she usually does with a sigh of relief). What I hope to achieve here, is that she learns to identify what caused her emotions. And it's also a useful way to take her mind off crying and avoiding mantras like everything's okay (cause it's obviously not) or parroting the validation.
3. Once she calms down a little I ask her if it still hurts/she wants to fix it herself/I should help her fix it and how. This usually resolves the issue and I hope it helps her let go of the emotion in an appropriate way.
Now if she trips over something she usually gets up, turns around and angrily points at whatever she tripped over, only to resume whatever she was doing after another sniffle and sigh - which makes me think I'm doing something right.
I'd appreciate any comment on whether this is a beneficial strategy, or whether this could lead to unhealthy behaviours in it's own way.
One situation for which I haven't found a good solution yet is when she is overwhelmed and indecisive, e.g. a trantrum on the way home form daycare if we stop at a shop or pass by a playground. I get, that she is then startled/overwhelmed by not going straight home or faced with conflicting wishes. But sometimes no compassion in the world helps and the easiest fix is to just roll a crying toddler home in the stroller, talking to her along the way, to get her back to her comfort zone asap. What would be a good thing to say in such a situation, where you can't just be there or wait on the sideline, because being in the wrong place is the whole problem?
Sorry for the rant, but appreciate the platform and any comments.
I think people often misunderstand the importance of setting and developmental/age level. As a kindergarten teacher I can tell you the "take time to cry and then we will talk" approach is very useful. Its more of a classroom management tool though. If I stop everything to comfort a petulant child, I am teaching them that crying is a good strategy to gain my attention and that they are more important than the group. I also have to draw a line between the role of myself and their parents, or they will view me as a source of personal comfort instead of an authority figure.
As a teacher I do agree with this message. Do you think a teacher has time to keep comforting kids and talking for hours while trying to get a program done and an eye on 25 or more others. I like to talk briefly and after that we can speak about if there is something we can do about the situation. After that we continu the day and if you want to mope in the corner of the classroom for a while, you do you 🤷🏻♀️
I guess parenting is totally different, because the child knows he/she is your priority. Making it more difficult to put a bit of space and air between you and all those heavy emotions, possibly making it worse by not stepping back and keeping the focus on it.
I’m a doctor and my biggest issue tends to be parents who repeat the “I know you’re scared” mantra when I’m trying to do something completely unharmful (like looking in their ears), without then acknowledging “but we have to do this anyway.” I get it, I myself have a needle phobia. For my first surgery at age 12 I even needed a sedative after the IV was in. But I also did just have to do it because I needed the surgery and my mother had to work to get me to the point of acknowledging that, not just accepting my feelings about it
Also, doctors need some more strategies that can make things less painful for kids. E.g. pinching or pushing down on an area before the injection, saying that it will feel like a pinch or a mosquito - comparing the needle to something the child is familiar with and not afraid of. Asking whether they want you to tell them when you poke them or not - NOT everyone actually wants to know that NOW you will feel something
I agree that parents should rather focus on that this is important, and that sometimes you don't even feel much, and then you are PROTECTED 😄 How cool isn't that? A little pinch, and we can be able to have an immune system that can fight dangerous pathogens! I absolutely understand that parents can be upset too that their child is being poked and may experience pain, but sometimes we just have to control it - there's going to be a lot of unpleasant things in life, and being to tolerate some of them is important for our well-being
I've never had any kind of fear towards injections or drawing blood (have been a blood donor, and have had times whete I needed incmjections every day for a months, several times), but my little sister and some of my friends wete very scared of injections, and I had to find strategies to calm them down, and deconstruct the potential unpleasant feeling into things that they would be able to worry less about
@@lollsazz Completely agree, things need to be done on all sides to help make it as comfortable a process as possible. If you just go at it hammer and tongs you’re just setting them up to be MORE scared in the future. Unfortunately sometimes comfort just isn’t possible because they don’t or can’t understand, especially with toddlers.
Yes. I had very good success with the phrase "it's not fun but we do it."
My son (later diagnosed with ADHD) HATED things like washing his face, brushing teeth, etc.
And one day I said that, and it clicked in his two year old mind. "Not like! We do it." And he'd sigh and settle down into acceptance. (for the most part, sometimes I had to force it)
It also helped for things like needles, hospital things, etc. He really felt better when I validated his opinion that it was not a preferred activity. But he knew that didn't mean it wasn't going to happen. I think having the emotional support and the modeling of ideas like "not all of life is just fun, but that doesn't mean that there's no fun" really helped him.
@@silversleeper1193 Sometimes toddlers do understand way more than people think though, so it's always worth trying. Mine was sbout 21 months when she hurt a tooth. We went to the dentist, and I told her to just explsin everything to my toddler and WHY we do it. She did, until she had to put X-ray film in her mouth, so todfler was very hesitant. I took over and ssid that it was going to turn into a picture of her teeth, and toddler placed the film in herself! Dentist said she had to sit very still, and she did - we got an excellent picture. Many don't expect kids below the age if 2 to understand this much, as many of them barely speak yet
I can get my daughter calmed down by teaching her the “exhale when you feel the pinch” trick a nurse taught me when I was pregnant (I also had needle phobia)
But doctors need to not ***then restrain my child by forcing her down and holding her hands up by her head***. That is so unbelievably traumatizing for everybody, and I know because I had to receive 6 shots in one day when I was a toddler and I still remember that nightmare. And then had to have that done again when I was an adult for getting catheters and other procedures and I have *nightmares* from it.
Like, I can do everything I can to calm my child down, but then they freak her out and pat themselves on the back by going “I knew she would be difficult” and she wasn’t going to be until she was held down like a violent patient.
I figured out on my own this works best. I just go do menial tasks around him and he calms down pretty quickly. He just needs time to process, unlike adults that can internalize the processing while going on about our day.
This is so true 100% . Moment you tell your kids - oh you are tired - to acknowledge why they are crying and acting out and you know they do this when they really need to get rest despite of your best intentions to help you just put more oil in the fire. Hugs on the other hand work 100% without words.
Very true. I've found as we are on the back end of the tantrum and still upset and crying but can actually hear more I can say things like it is near your bedtime and we had a big day I think maybe being tired is making it harder to not be sad, that's how I feel when I am tired. It's easy for me to be frustrated.
During my and 4 other siblings, we were mocked for crying, scared, angry and etc. Its very damaging and in my adult life im struggling with emotions..
It also gives me serious anxiety when i visit my father, who now has two young children, and he mocks them for having tantrums.
I work with children and it depends on the situation, sometimes this works like a child just getting frustrated with something like cant put their shoes on for example lol. But other times if they dont get their own way and have been told off the best thing you can do is let them get on with it and let them huff and puff - when you ignore a proper temper tantrum the child realises their not getting any attention and usually stops.
But in saying all that I'm not saying it's an easy task to keep calm yourself when there is a three year old shouting their head off 😅😅
We have to consider our goal. Is the goal to shut the child up or to help the child self-regulate in times of distress? Even the word "tantrum" has an invalidating connotation.
I’m not a parent, but dolly want to be as soon as my husband and I are a little more stable. I’m in my late twenties and grew up in an emotionally, mentally, abusive and neglectful household. At 26 i still struggle with feeling like my emotions are invalid or causing others to be upset with me. I never learned how to regulate my emotions and i suffer from complex ptsd. I watch these videos whenever they pop up on my feed and they honestly help me reparent myself 🥲 I get to heal my inner child while also learning what to do when they day comes for me to finally be a mommy. This video hit home for me & i finally subscribed 💕
*really want to be ( not dolly)
New Mom here! My son is almost 3 and I notice that he absolutely will not listen when he has a tantrum. I usually put him in "time-out" (I usually refer to it as "alone time") when he has these tantrums and I tell him that he can get down when he settles down. He calms down so much faster than he used to. When I think about myself, I have moments where I get overwhelmed and frustrated too. If someone tries to help me during those moments, it typically leaves me feeling even more frustrated and isn't very helpful.
My kiddo also doesn't want comfort or hugs or anything. I will try to sit with him when he's upset, cuz as hard as it is for me to sit while my kiddo is crying, I want him to know it is ok to cry when sad and to be sad and being sad doesn't mean he has to go have those emotions by himself. If he starts screaming or hitting that's a different story. The car is the worst cuz he'll be sad and crying but tends to ramp up the cries to louder and screaming and hitting the back of the seat. My kiddo is older now so I know he can control more than he could as a year old. When he was little I didn't make him stop flailing on the floor, but it would not give him whatever he wanted at the time.
Thanks for watching! I am so excited to share our new course Happy Place with you. You can check it out by clicking on this link: brightestbeginning.com/happy-place-course/
I thought about this one myself, and just figured out that just validating their feelings wouldn't do much - they sometimes need an explanation for why a situation is OK/not OK, a strategy for what to do, and maybe some distraction. Otherwise I would just keep reminding my toddler that she is upset... and then she remembers she's upset and cries more. Also, rocking her bottom back and forth, or swinging a little helps, so I do that, so I can interrupt the crying, and help her listen to me talk instead
The few times she got angry, I stepped back, far enough so that she couldn't hit me or throw anything, and said that when she's ready, I'm here, and she can come and sit with me. She cried and screamed for a little while, then decided to sit on my lap with her back to me while she ate, and then it was OK to get a hug after a little bit of time. I wanted her to understand that being mean to me is unacceptable, but she could always come to me to get some hugs when she felt ready to
Thanks so much for sharing!
jesus THANK YOU im so tired of expecting little children need to endlessly verbally process everything - let kids feel their feelings and teach them to self regulate!
All I can do is calm myself, wait offer a kind face, try to caress them and then ask "do you want a hug" my youngest says noooo and 5 seconds later raises her hands. She does accept the hug. The tantrum stops. I think in the moment of tantruming they purely want what they want and don't always understand why we have said no. Most of her tantrums are due to her and her sister fighting over a toy.
Thanks so much for sharing!
Hi from Canada! I showed the Happy Place page to my man and we were like. Yep. That's us. We signed up real fast! Our boy will be two next week and we have been following your videos and advices since his first weeks of life. Congrats on this project, can't wait to begin! 🧡
That is awesome! This is such a huge compliment. So glad to hear you have joined Happy Place!
I grew up in a family where kids aren't really allowed to have big emotions or upsets. The adults' solution was to just say: Stop crying, you're being a baby, you're crying/upset for no reason without any emotional support. They also would get angry with you if you got upset for "no reason." I was an especially sensitive child and having that lack of support whenever I was upset has, as an adult, made me super avoidant of conflict and not able to set boundaries because I am afraid of upsetting people. My brain also still equates -> doing something wrong with physical punishment so any light disagreement with a friend or my spouse turns my body into fight or flight mode.
Long story short, I am happy to this new era of allowing kids to experience their emotions and not make them feel bad for it. I'm a great example of what can happen in adult hood when the other route is taken.
Thank you for these videos, I really look to them to help me as I am a new mom and don't want to repeat my family's mistakes! ♥♥
Thanks so much for sharing! ❤️
Same.. I struggle with boundaries even at 40 years of age. Physical punishment still haunts my body each time there is slight conflict.
I had a similar experience. Not said so much outright, but my mom was "emotional" and "flew off the handle" for "no reason" and my dad was cool and calm and logical and emotionless and he was also smart and worked and handled the finances and groceries and bills etc etc. So he was the example I aspired to be like while all the problems were seemed to be caused by my mom, so I didn't want to be emotional or show would like her. I can't help it and do, but it's something I have to right with my child to not turn and run away from emotions like they are bad. I've learned so much from having my kiddo and it's the long hard work dealing with it, not the easy answer of just shut them in a room until the crying stops. I've even shown my mom the validity of naming the emotions and not telling them to suck it up and not shame them for being excited about something. And I feel like my mom can relax more with me cuz I'm not always criticizing her for who she is like my dad always did. She's getting more internal strength but it's eye opening and world changing to realize all she's been through and her mom and why she acted the way she did. Working hard to break that cycle for my kiddo
My son has these moments that come out of nowhere, usually if their nap isn't long enough or they missed their nap all together. And it was so hard. I wanted to help soothe him but he just kept crying and screaming to "go back" when I tried to say soothing words. (he's 4yo with some speech delay). I sat down away from him but in sight, looking at the floor saying, 'mummy's here when you're ready' even though all I wanted to do was hold him in my arms and rock him. Eventually I was able to sit closer and closer until I was next to him. Took a good hour and he just about let me hold him once he did start to calm down.
We had an attachment-disordered child. _Parenting With Love & Logic_ (Jim Fay) was a lifesaver, as was an adoptive/foster support group.
One thing I had to learn with our guy was that giving him space was crucial. I’d tell him, “I care about your feelings-even angry ones-but I can see you’re not ready to talk. Come find me when you’re ready to be calm and respectful.” Sometimes _I_ was the one who needed space: “I am really too angry and frustrated to talk about this right now! I’m gonna go calm down and then I’ll be back.”
We may as well be honest about our own feelings (appropriately) because our kids pick up on them, anyway. We can teach them about handling feelings by letting them watch us handle ours.
I have been watching you for a tips since our boy was born last October. Finally hitting subscribe as you know we never have enough time to remember. Thank you for this video and all the rest. They have helped me , especially the crawling tips. I truly appreciate the time and effort you take for us new parents. God Bless You!
This is basically what I do, except I dont necessarily narrate his feelings to him, I am just there for support and I hold my son and I just say “I understand” and it works every time.
It seems like every couple of months I find a new parenting technique that contradicts the previous one I learned months ago. This is why I don't bother reading parenting books, too many contradict themselves. Also, telling my toddler I can see she's upset and making an upset face while I'm telling her this always calms her down so I guess every child is different.
Lol I Just keep Reading like a Crazy Person🙈 our therapist once said I should Just stop, but how do I know what to do then?!
@@Ray-pt5bi I know, it’s like if everything goes great you don’t need advice, but if something goes wrong you have a million pieces of contradictory advice given in an authoritative voice, and you’re left even more unsure than before
Me too! I will probably experiment with my child.
And sometimes I want to be the parent.
Even my child has to understand that I will not be patient always. Not at 2. But definitely at4.
"I see you are upset" what a cold detached response, and this is supposed to be the ideal verbal response from a parent? What about a spontaneous hug with something like "there there my darling, what's the matter?" And being gently rocked to and fro to comfort and relax the child, showing that the parent genuinely cares that the child is upset, not someone who is witnessing the distress but is indifferent to the distress.
It feels a bit stilted to us as adults because we know what the words are so well that it feels obvious but tiny little kids don't know how to name their emotions and explain what they are feeling so doing this is an important step to helping them connect when you hold them and ask them what is wrong. When someone is in the middle of an emotional meltdown, questions can often feel too hard. Ever had someone ask you too many questions when you are already feeling overwhelmed? So sometimes just helping them find the right terminology for what they are feeling is the most helpful thing you can do until they have calmed down enough to tell you more.
Thank you so much for this video! When my son was 18months, we struggled a lot with his meltdown. I followed the tips to repeat his emotion and he was even more frustrated. Now I have my second child and is 12 months old. I will definitely try what Emma shared in this video 😊
My 21 month old has multiple hissy fits per day and on occasion these will evolve into a full blown meltdown. The analogy that works for me is that my boy is a tiny vessel in a stormy sea of emotion and I’m his lighthouse. Lighthouses work great in calm waters but they’re most needed when the sea is at its most tumultuous. Leaving my son during a tantrum feels tantamount to a lighthouse turning off their light during a storm. I’ll either hold him or sit close by so he knows I’m there, I love him and I’m here for him. For me, it’s not about avoiding tantrums but helping him recover quickly and get on with having fun safe in the knowledge he never lost me or my affections for even a second.
I absolutely hate when anyone says I see you’re this or I understand you feel xyz. It’s like, yeah duh, cuz I just told you. I think it’s so rude. I had a therapist that did that once and I never went back. Repeating stuff back to show you listened is so rude. We typically assume people heard it or listened without them idiotically telling you.
It took me too long to understand, that my strong willed child settles best when left alone for some time in peaceful and quiet place. Everything I used to try to tell him during a tantrum was jus additional noise overwhelming him more.
For us the best tactics was to talk it through later. I used to tell him that I will not disturb him while he tries to find his calm and I will be there if he needs my help.
My daughter’s never thrown a full-blown tantrum, I don’t think. When she’s gotten upset, usually what calms her down is giving her a glass of water and explaining that it’s okay to feel upset or angry (even if it’s at me), but she’s not gonna destroy or scream or hit. If she needs to cry, let her cry, if she needs to get away from me/the situation, let her get away and play in her room for a bit (and I tell her that she can). Idk if any of it is good parenting, but I know I have a good daughter and that she’s a lot more emotionally resilient and tougher than I was at her age. (For all my parents’ attempts to “toughen me up” I was a very sensitive and emotionally distraught child.)
But idk if that same method would work if I ever have another kid. I kind of have the impression that parenting books fail because every child is completely unique and responds to things differently.
Yaaay🎉🎉 THANK YOU for still giving useful, detailed advices and THEN introducing us to your program! Both are needed! Congratulations 🥳 on a new project!
Since our son was born I get advice only from the professionals in their fields, certified or with years of experience, if they are professionals and mothers at the same time - even better!!
People, don’t take “advise” from random sources, these are the livelihoods of your children and generations to come. Trust professionals like Emma🌟👨👩👦
❤️
0:30 well because it's not supposed to stop immediately after you have acknowledged their feelings. Expecting it to stop immediately is an unrealistic expectation in the first place. You acknowledge their feelings not in order to stop the crying, but to make them feel you accept and don't abandon them in any mood. Using verbal acknowledging (or any other thing for that matter) as a "tool" to make them stop crying, in fact (pretty obvious right?) means you don't really accept them and their emotions. And they are smart enough to feel that fakeness.
Every person needs TIME to calm down, it's perfectly normal. You just sit there for them until they cry it out (or leave them alone if they themselves let you know they prefer that e.g. by pushing you or otherwise getting physical). Crying won't last forever either way because every emotion passes (pretty quickly actually unless you enable it somehow by promises or threatenings, etc).
I'm not sure if you watched the rest of the video, but I cover the approach later and don't say that it's a tool or that people should expect an immediate cessation upon acknowledging their feelings. I largely agree with you, but it sounds like you're disagreeing with the video so I wanted to clarify.
@EmmaHubbard I did, it's just that beginning that rubbed me the wrong way. Although I get that you are aiming at the audience of parents many of whom because of our culture and their own upbringing may still feel very uncomfortable seeing other people cry or otherwise emote openly, and naturally want to stop it asap by any means, so you are trying to speak from their perspective to get to them.
So my comment wasn't an attack on you, but rather for any parent who finds emotions unbearable and may read it.
I never used this words to work. But to give the child words for the feeling they have. Children are no robots that "work". But the thing is, that one day, they will be able to talk about their emotions, because someone thaugth them which emotion is what. I for my part was 22, when someone reflected on me, that i showed envy. It was such a huge learning step for me. And right now with 31 i'm learning what shame feels right. Noone talked to me about my feelings back then. I want to help my child for the better. I won't want them to stop their feelings imidiatly. Feelings have to be felt.
I love watching your videos, they have helped me so much with dealing not only with my little 7 month old, but myself, and how my actions, whether subconscious or deliberate, can affect her. Shes definitely not in the tantrum stage yet, but its good to know ill have this bit of info in my arsenal for when those times inevitably occur. Thank you 👍
Thanks Keira! So glad my videos have been helpful ☺️
Thanks for this video.. this came at the perfect time because I had just learned about this concept of making your child feel heard and seen a few days ago. I’ve been practicing lots of “sportscasting”. I think it is a helpful tactic but it’s not always what the kid needs in every situation. This rounds it out. Parenting is hard! There is no easy button.
It’s so hard!
What’s sportscasting?
Saying nothing is often more powerfully supportive than attempting to rationalize with a small child. Small children communicate with their caregivers in many other ways besides verbally, being physically present and offering comforting touch (if it is welcome) as well as space to express rage safely will accomplish so much more. You can’t talk a baby down, I don’t know why anyone would think that’s possible. But the time kids are old enough to understand, tantrums are not generally an issue any longer.
it’s been awhile since I watched one of your videos, but I’m really glad that I happened to this morning - by chance, we had a screaming tantrum on the train yesterday, and I was wondering if my method of dealing with it was the right one! Now I am reminded just how useful your videos are and will be going back and watching a bunch more 😅
So nice to have you back. Hopefully they are helpful for you during the toddler stage.
Whenever my 13 month old has her tantrums because she doesn't get her way with things, I tell her why she could not have that thing she wants. I learned from my mom not to coddle her and it was hard to break early on. I know she won't exactly get it since she's still young but it's been good for my husband and I to get on it now.
This is also a very difficult part of being a childcare provider in a daycare! I always struggle with the idea that I may be rewarding the temper tantrum when I give them all that attention
You shouldn't be in childcare if comforting a child is such a problem jesus
@kelleygreengrass You clearly are not in childcare and have no idea what it’s like to have a class on 15 and two teachers with one child in the room screaming, one climbing on the table, two fighting, five who want something, and a mess that needs cleaning up.
@@kelleygreengrassprojecting much?!!! Just wow! You took the comment to a whole new level! I’m sorry you were not comforted as a child, or whatever happened to you.
@@kelleygreengrassshe didn’t say comforting a child was a problem for her. Haven’t you read properly? She said she was afraid to be encouraging a wrong comportment
Love this! The aim of acknowledging a tantruming child's feelings is to teach them that there's nothing wrong with being upset. What I do sometimes is after you acknowledge a child's feelings, you embrace them, hold their hands or just sit with them, and start very obviously breathing deeply and calmly. You might suggest to the child that they should breathe calmly too but if they angrily say no, a simple "that's okay, I feel like doing it though, because I need to be calm". The child joins in eventually or calms down as they watch you. Through time you have a person who not only can talk about their feelings and be open and honest with people, but a person who can also acknowledge that it's important to stay calm and can do that using their breath or whatever tachnique you've taught them.
So reassuring. I’ve been doing this just because I wasn’t sure what else to do when our little one loses her sh*t. It definitely seems to help her(and me) when I calmly hold her or stay close while she has her moment.
@kenfontenot You aren’t living my moment to moment with my child, so please keep the “shoulds” to yourself. Letting my child know I’m here keeping her safe(physically and psychologically) regardless of her mood is not rewarding her tantrum, to the contrary actually. I’ve been having success by simply staying present with her but averting my attention.
My mom was one of those parents that was like "stop crying!" and even getting angry when that obviously didn't make me stop crying. Especially when I had an autistic meltdown.
It's amazing how much we've learned in just one generation! Hopefully societal knowledge as a whole keeps progressing around these topics.
I don’t know what I would do without this channel. You state the facts. You aren’t politically captured and you’re real! I love this parenting channel.
I have 2 autistic children and thankfully someone explained this to me when we started our journey.
I heard from a crisis training that basically when you say, “I see you’re (name emotion),” they no longer need to display the emotion, because it’s already been seen.
So it starts with listing the actions (“I hear you growling”), then ask if they’re feeling x, then tell them you see they’re feeling x.
Then you add the support.
Dear Emma. I live in Germany. And I watch you since 2 years. My oldest son is 2 years 😂 and my second 6 months. So I deal with these tantrums from my 2yo, he is not speaking yet. And also have the stress of taking care of the baby. So having two kids, this near age (I hope you know what I mean) is pretty hard to handle. My oldest often has these big emotions but can not tell me what’s the problem or how I can help. We had situations I raised my voice and told him „enough“, but he just pointed to his waterbottle to drink. And I had the baby breastfeeding in bed and could not move. I thought he wants his car to sleep. And I said no. I said sorry few times. Gave him kisses. Gave him a big hug. And said again I am sorry, I misunderstood him.
It was ok to him. He drank his water. And fell asleep again.
This is another level. Two kids this age. And now getting into this new stage/phase of tantrums and big feelings about a little car that is not there or downstairs.
You helped me in so many ways. From sleeping to eating. To playing. I learned a lot. And as I remember, everything’s worked out.
I wish there was more videos about dealing with two children or more. Specific 2 children in this tantrum stage. I was on the website happy place. You did a perfect job and the woman i forget the name, Isobell?!
I had to buy new clothes and shoes and stuff for the kids this month. But I am will sign in/buying it next month. I really need this help. I experienced that „ I know your upset that your car is not here or you want more cookies, but . …“ is sometimes helping. But only if it’s not too bad. I feel he is ok if mommy knows what’s all about and if I tell him the reason why, you can see he is thinking about and understands. Sometimes!!
If my husband is saying „no more cookies!“ that’s it, it’s even worst then my „I know bla bla ..”
And than I say to my husband he has to tell him why no cookies. Otherwise the child is thinking your doing this randomly or just be bad giving him no cookies.
It’s not easy if he is the middle of the forest. Going out with our dog. My son is sitting suddenly and not moving a centimetre. Just Motivation works “oh here is a 🐞 bug or a beautiful rock, hurry up.” But I ask myself what will happen if he gets older and these things do not work anymore.
I also need help on throwing things, his car, pillows, whatever is near to him. He is throwing things away. Sometimes to the baby. Not in bad intention I think. But yesterday my 2yo was hitting the baby, not hard, but he did. On the forehead.
I was angry a bit and told not to hit.
I was told by the childcare that is a problem of he is not speaking. He has no other way to show what he is feeling. So he is throwing in anger or hits or bites me. But not so often anymore. Biting is almost gone.
But can come back or he could bite the baby. I know that’s boys and sometimes rough but I want to stopp this behaviour.
My husband is at the military and my parents are not living nearby. So education is mostly my part. My husband also is dealing with depression. He is in therapy but I think this can also reflecting on children.
So this was a long text. Please keep up your good work. It’s helping a lot of moms. ❤😊
Please don't feel bad about saying 'no' or telling your toddler to stop hitting his sister. It's okay to set age-appropriate boundaries. Don't hit him. Yelling (if it's reasonable) is totally fine! In fact, it helps your toddler to understand: "oh, what I did just now wasn't okay. Mummy got upset." So they will be less likely to do it again.
I've always just hugged my kids, told them they can calm down in their room and we can continue whatever we were doing after they've calmed down. I don't understand people who talk at length to a kid that is obviously not able to talk at the moment. Also from a very young age I've taught them ways to regain control, like counting or focussing on slow breathing. We can hug and talk about what happened and how they felt afterwards.
Love your videos Emma, and this one isn’t an exception! I feel like your advice is generally very intuitive and sensible. Like, yes, acknowledge their feelings but also just be there and put yourself in their position. Thanks for all the valuable info you put out there! I hate emails, but I love yours (great frequency, not too much not too little)
handling your child's tantrums (however you may do that) is the hardest thing IMO. Forget the sleepless nights with a newborn, those go away so fast. Dealing with tantrums is for years and years to come, and staying consistent is so hard. especially when you're exhausted and just want your kid to stop whining 😅
PS: I acknowledge that newborn days are so hard too, I've been there, BUT it truly gets better quite soon, even if you have a colicky, fussy and clingy baby, even if you have issues with feeding or ties. there are professionals you can turn to and they'll quickly help you, but with tantrums it's all on YOU, the parents/caregivers.
I have to admit this is just not my experience. I would far rather deal with tantrums than with newborns. At least I usually have a general idea of what the cause of tantrums are. When my newborns would scream for hours no matter what I did to soothe them and I had NO idea why, I just wanted to throw myself out a window. Haha
THANK YOU!! I see this advice ao often and it doesnt work for most people and in my case makes things worse. My 3 year old likes to be left alone then wants a hug afterward and i can talk to her then
Thank you for always supporting us parents with your advice and knowledge.
Love all of your tips from the beginning! Will definitely check out the website. Entering the terrible 2 stage soon and will like to be prepared 😅
Thanks for staying with me all this time! Hopefully you find this course as helpful as I have found it!